1 00:00:02,156 --> 00:00:04,159 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 2 00:00:09,122 --> 00:00:11,792 -[DOGS BARKING] -Come on in. Come on. 3 00:00:11,876 --> 00:00:12,876 It's all over. 4 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:16,129 He won't mess with you. Are you nuts? 5 00:00:16,213 --> 00:00:17,381 That was a Doberman. 6 00:00:18,675 --> 00:00:19,968 Oh, dear, what happened? 7 00:00:20,052 --> 00:00:21,678 Oh, get the first-aid kit. 8 00:00:21,762 --> 00:00:23,471 Eddie got into a fight. 9 00:00:23,555 --> 00:00:25,975 We were on the elevator with that Doberman from upstairs. 10 00:00:26,059 --> 00:00:28,978 Eddie took a perfectly innocent sniff, and wham. 11 00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:31,522 Morning, all. 12 00:00:32,524 --> 00:00:34,943 -What's all this? -Eddie was viciously attacked. 13 00:00:35,027 --> 00:00:37,071 Oh. Is that coffee cake I smell? 14 00:00:40,533 --> 00:00:43,286 Well, now that I look at it, it's just a scratch. 15 00:00:43,370 --> 00:00:45,872 But I probably should take him to the vet's anyway. 16 00:00:46,374 --> 00:00:47,749 What are you doing up so early? 17 00:00:47,833 --> 00:00:49,918 Oh, the new station manager's taking over today. 18 00:00:50,002 --> 00:00:51,503 She wanted to meet with all of us. 19 00:00:51,587 --> 00:00:52,713 She? 20 00:00:52,797 --> 00:00:56,259 -Oh, working for a woman, huh? -Yes, why? 21 00:00:56,343 --> 00:00:59,846 Well, it's tough on guys taking orders from a woman. 22 00:00:59,930 --> 00:01:02,016 -We resent it. -Well, that's absurd. 23 00:01:02,100 --> 00:01:03,684 If I had trouble taking orders from a woman, 24 00:01:03,768 --> 00:01:05,868 Frederick would never have been conceived. 25 00:01:07,105 --> 00:01:08,523 [DOORBELL RINGS] 26 00:01:08,607 --> 00:01:11,026 My brothers couldn't stand taking orders from me. 27 00:01:11,110 --> 00:01:13,445 I was forever telling them, "Billy, clean your room," 28 00:01:13,529 --> 00:01:15,781 "Reginald, get your elbow out of the gravy," 29 00:01:15,865 --> 00:01:17,783 "Nigel, take that thing back to the hospital. 30 00:01:17,867 --> 00:01:19,661 The whole house is full of flies." 31 00:01:22,623 --> 00:01:24,291 -Morning, Niles. -Hello, Frasier. 32 00:01:24,375 --> 00:01:25,709 Dad. Daphne. 33 00:01:25,793 --> 00:01:27,628 I can't stay. I just wanted to ask a favor. 34 00:01:27,712 --> 00:01:29,131 Dad, can I borrow your gun? 35 00:01:30,966 --> 00:01:33,051 Maris taking singing lessons again? 36 00:01:34,010 --> 00:01:35,345 No. 37 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,723 Our home-security system is down for repairs. 38 00:01:37,807 --> 00:01:40,893 There's no electric gate. I'll feel safer if I'm packing heat. 39 00:01:40,977 --> 00:01:42,478 Oh, for heaven's sake, Niles. 40 00:01:42,562 --> 00:01:44,565 You don't even know how to pack a lunch. 41 00:01:46,066 --> 00:01:48,735 Dad, please, Maris is a wreck ever since she found out 42 00:01:48,819 --> 00:01:51,619 our entire Neighborhood Watch is wintering in Palm Beach. 43 00:01:51,906 --> 00:01:53,991 Forget it. You don't know the first thing about guns. 44 00:01:54,075 --> 00:01:55,159 NILES: I do so. 45 00:01:55,243 --> 00:01:57,329 I promise I'll open the spinny thing and check for bullets 46 00:01:57,413 --> 00:01:58,581 before I shoot anybody. 47 00:01:59,165 --> 00:02:02,084 Actually, Dr. Crane, your father's gun isn't a revolver. 48 00:02:02,168 --> 00:02:05,797 It's a Colt .45 ACP with a single-stack magazine. 49 00:02:07,591 --> 00:02:11,344 Oh, when I first came to America, I worked at a convenience store. 50 00:02:14,015 --> 00:02:14,848 Dad, please. 51 00:02:14,932 --> 00:02:17,267 No, I don't believe in civilians having guns. 52 00:02:17,351 --> 00:02:19,229 This isn't fair. Maris' mother gave her a gun. 53 00:02:19,313 --> 00:02:21,314 Then Maris' mother can clean up the mess 54 00:02:21,398 --> 00:02:23,650 after she accidentally blows your brains out. 55 00:02:24,443 --> 00:02:26,112 Oh, now you're talking nonsense. 56 00:02:26,196 --> 00:02:28,796 Maris' mother has never cleaned anything in her life. 57 00:02:35,039 --> 00:02:36,123 [PHONE RINGS] 58 00:02:36,207 --> 00:02:37,332 BULLDOG: This stinks! 59 00:02:37,416 --> 00:02:39,543 This is total BS. I can't work for a chick. 60 00:02:39,627 --> 00:02:40,837 They're out of control. 61 00:02:40,921 --> 00:02:43,131 They are completely ruled by their hormones. 62 00:02:43,215 --> 00:02:44,674 [BARKS] It'll never work. 63 00:02:47,553 --> 00:02:49,179 All right, listen up, everyone. 64 00:02:49,263 --> 00:02:50,472 I've been working the grapevine. 65 00:02:50,556 --> 00:02:52,725 -I got the scoop on the new boss. -Is she going to fire me? 66 00:02:52,809 --> 00:02:55,354 Hey, first things first. Is she baggable? 67 00:02:57,105 --> 00:02:58,189 Forget it, Bulldog. 68 00:02:58,273 --> 00:03:01,673 -She'd have you for breakfast. -Like I ever stick around that long. 69 00:03:03,446 --> 00:03:06,657 Anyway, the word is that she's like this psycho perfectionist. 70 00:03:06,741 --> 00:03:09,286 Everyone at her last station was scared to death of her. 71 00:03:09,370 --> 00:03:10,662 She's becoming my idol. 72 00:03:10,746 --> 00:03:12,456 Hey, what if she hates sports? 73 00:03:12,540 --> 00:03:16,086 I need this job. I just promised my mom a new pacemaker. 74 00:03:16,753 --> 00:03:19,673 Wait. Think I could get her to believe I said pasta maker? 75 00:03:22,384 --> 00:03:25,471 Look, there's no reason for us to give in to our insecurities. 76 00:03:25,555 --> 00:03:28,474 We all do good, solid shows. We hardly know this woman. 77 00:03:28,558 --> 00:03:30,602 Already we're painting her as a heartless Medusa. 78 00:03:30,686 --> 00:03:32,062 [DOOR OPENS] 79 00:03:35,524 --> 00:03:37,527 She said my ratings were down. 80 00:03:38,152 --> 00:03:39,612 She said I'm not hip. 81 00:03:41,614 --> 00:03:43,491 Father Mike, are you all right? 82 00:03:43,575 --> 00:03:45,369 The little thug fired me. 83 00:03:48,372 --> 00:03:51,417 -I'm so sorry. -Did she say anything else? 84 00:03:51,501 --> 00:03:53,503 She said, "Send in Frasier." 85 00:03:58,509 --> 00:04:03,097 Listen, tell the movers I want the couch directly in front of the bookcase. 86 00:04:03,723 --> 00:04:04,807 Uh-huh. 87 00:04:05,392 --> 00:04:06,976 Oh, have a seat. I'll be… 88 00:04:07,060 --> 00:04:08,103 Uh-huh. 89 00:04:08,604 --> 00:04:09,563 Yeah. 90 00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:11,398 Yeah. 91 00:04:12,024 --> 00:04:14,569 No, not there! In front of the bookcase. 92 00:04:15,945 --> 00:04:18,072 Yeah, yeah. 93 00:04:18,156 --> 00:04:21,118 Now, look, look, I've got somebody here. 94 00:04:22,745 --> 00:04:24,454 Could we move the furniture later? 95 00:04:24,538 --> 00:04:25,539 Could we do that? 96 00:04:28,126 --> 00:04:29,544 Dr. Frasier Crane. 97 00:04:30,879 --> 00:04:32,755 -Kate Costas. -Kate, what a pleasure. 98 00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:35,884 Likewise. I've been listening to the tapes of all your shows. 99 00:04:35,968 --> 00:04:38,595 -I love what you're doing. -Really? 100 00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:41,140 Well, uh, thank you very much. 101 00:04:41,224 --> 00:04:44,811 I like to think of my show as a haven for the tempest-tossed 102 00:04:44,895 --> 00:04:46,647 in the maelstrom of everyday life. 103 00:04:47,314 --> 00:04:49,525 Wow, you really talk that way. 104 00:04:51,736 --> 00:04:55,866 Anyway, your ratings are very good, but I still think we can do better. 105 00:04:56,492 --> 00:04:57,409 Any ideas? 106 00:04:59,036 --> 00:05:01,664 How to… improve my show? 107 00:05:03,583 --> 00:05:06,711 Uh, that is a tall order. I… [CHUCKLES] 108 00:05:07,295 --> 00:05:09,548 Uh… Oh, well, you know, I was thinking 109 00:05:09,632 --> 00:05:11,550 of playing classical music before my intros. 110 00:05:11,634 --> 00:05:15,178 Let's say, oh, perhaps, Bartók's "Concerto for Orchestra in D minor." 111 00:05:15,262 --> 00:05:16,681 It's too high-brow. 112 00:05:16,765 --> 00:05:20,310 I mean, I love classical music, but to most people, it's a big snore. 113 00:05:20,394 --> 00:05:23,815 Oh, incidentally, Bartók's Concerto is in C. 114 00:05:24,357 --> 00:05:26,609 -Are you sure? -Positive. 115 00:05:26,693 --> 00:05:29,069 I put myself through college working at a classical station. 116 00:05:29,153 --> 00:05:32,574 Let's talk about advertising, hmm? You've got a great face. 117 00:05:32,658 --> 00:05:34,284 -Oh. -I wanna see it on T-shirts. 118 00:05:34,368 --> 00:05:37,037 I wanna see it on park benches. I even wanna see it on Frisbees. 119 00:05:37,121 --> 00:05:40,667 Everybody in Seattle should be tossing it, wearing it, sitting on it. 120 00:05:45,381 --> 00:05:46,798 Wonderful. Uh… 121 00:05:46,882 --> 00:05:51,429 You know, I hate to nitpick, but I'm certain that concerto's in D. 122 00:05:51,513 --> 00:05:54,432 -I was a music minor at Harvard. -No, it's in C. 123 00:05:54,516 --> 00:05:57,393 It was commissioned by Serge Koussevitzky in 1943 124 00:05:57,477 --> 00:05:58,771 for the Boston Symphony Orchestra, 125 00:05:58,855 --> 00:06:02,775 and since then it's been recorded over 30 times, each time in C. 126 00:06:05,988 --> 00:06:08,490 Well, maybe you're right. Maybe I'm right. 127 00:06:10,159 --> 00:06:13,663 Also, I think you should start doing theme shows. 128 00:06:13,747 --> 00:06:16,707 Devote a whole show to people having extramarital affairs. 129 00:06:16,791 --> 00:06:20,712 Or devote a whole show to people with aberrant sexual practices. 130 00:06:20,796 --> 00:06:22,965 Could you just give me a hand with that box over there? 131 00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:24,216 Of course. 132 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:26,594 Uh… 133 00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:28,221 -Kate, uh… -Mm? 134 00:06:29,848 --> 00:06:33,226 You know, that advertising thing… Ooh…is a very good idea. 135 00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:36,981 But that, uh… These theme shows, uh… 136 00:06:37,648 --> 00:06:39,358 It's a less good idea. 137 00:06:39,442 --> 00:06:41,153 You might even say a worse idea. 138 00:06:41,737 --> 00:06:42,738 Why is that? 139 00:06:43,405 --> 00:06:46,074 Well, I am a doctor, 140 00:06:46,158 --> 00:06:50,496 and I'd hate to have the serious work I do be tainted by commercialism. 141 00:06:50,580 --> 00:06:52,332 But you don't mind the Frisbees? 142 00:06:54,167 --> 00:06:57,087 Well, I don't want to be entirely uncooperative, you know. 143 00:06:57,171 --> 00:06:58,797 Uh, it's just that, well, 144 00:06:58,881 --> 00:07:00,757 I've been in the radio game for some time now, 145 00:07:00,841 --> 00:07:05,138 and I think I've learned enough about broadcasting, as they say, 146 00:07:05,222 --> 00:07:06,640 to know what it is… 147 00:07:08,183 --> 00:07:10,978 That makes my show a good show… 148 00:07:11,062 --> 00:07:13,188 My God, you've won six Golden Mic Awards? 149 00:07:13,272 --> 00:07:14,690 Aren't you sweet to notice? 150 00:07:17,111 --> 00:07:21,489 Finally, I would like you to start giving priority to the juicier calls. 151 00:07:21,573 --> 00:07:23,784 But that's called pandering. 152 00:07:23,868 --> 00:07:25,912 And that is called a Peabody Award. 153 00:07:28,540 --> 00:07:31,251 Well, what exactly do you expect me to do? 154 00:07:31,335 --> 00:07:33,462 Say to a caller, "Listen, Bob, I'm sorry you lost your job, 155 00:07:33,546 --> 00:07:34,588 "but unemployment's a snore." 156 00:07:34,672 --> 00:07:36,381 "Why don't you sleep with your best friend's wife" 157 00:07:36,465 --> 00:07:38,342 "and call in on Monday, when it'll be 'infidelity Day' " 158 00:07:38,426 --> 00:07:39,776 on The Frasier Crane Show?" 159 00:07:41,513 --> 00:07:43,098 I really know what I'm doing. 160 00:07:43,682 --> 00:07:46,351 The psychiatrist at my last station went national. 161 00:07:46,435 --> 00:07:49,229 Well, I'd rather stay local if going national means 162 00:07:49,313 --> 00:07:52,024 sucking at the sump pump of sensationalism. 163 00:07:52,108 --> 00:07:55,654 Well, I'm the boss, Doc, so pucker up. 164 00:07:57,072 --> 00:07:59,199 Listen, lady, I'm not changing my show. 165 00:07:59,784 --> 00:08:01,660 Unless you're willing to explain to the owners 166 00:08:01,744 --> 00:08:03,746 why you fired one of your highest-rated hosts, 167 00:08:03,830 --> 00:08:06,630 well, then there's nothing you can do about it, is there? 168 00:08:07,668 --> 00:08:10,754 Well, we're coming up on 3 a.m. 169 00:08:15,427 --> 00:08:17,179 Roz, who's our next caller? 170 00:08:17,762 --> 00:08:18,889 Who cares? 171 00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:30,860 MAN [ON PHONE]: I gotta disagree with your last two callers. 172 00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:33,905 I'm in the same line of work, and I think what we do is very important. 173 00:08:33,989 --> 00:08:36,242 -People depend on us. -[TIMER DINGS OVER PHONE] 174 00:08:36,326 --> 00:08:38,577 I gotta go. It's time to powder the jelly doughnuts. 175 00:08:38,661 --> 00:08:40,330 [DIAL TONE HUMMING] 176 00:08:46,503 --> 00:08:49,424 Well, I hate to cut short this enthralling symposium, 177 00:08:50,675 --> 00:08:54,721 but perhaps we could hear from some non-bakers for a change. 178 00:08:56,515 --> 00:08:58,433 Wrap it up, will you? We're finally done. 179 00:08:58,517 --> 00:08:59,518 FRASIER: Oh, thank God. 180 00:08:59,602 --> 00:09:01,353 Stay tuned for the news, weather and sports. 181 00:09:01,437 --> 00:09:04,024 This is Dr. Frasier Crane, yada, yada, yada. Bye. 182 00:09:06,985 --> 00:09:09,821 We really stunk up the airwaves with that one, didn't we? 183 00:09:09,905 --> 00:09:12,909 Frasier, I want you to flash forward to tonight. 184 00:09:13,493 --> 00:09:15,202 It's sometime after midnight. 185 00:09:15,286 --> 00:09:19,332 Dennis Abbot and I have just had a glorious meal at Le Ralée. 186 00:09:19,416 --> 00:09:21,668 Dennis has just asked me back to his penthouse apartment 187 00:09:21,752 --> 00:09:24,589 to see his priceless collection of silk sheets, 188 00:09:25,257 --> 00:09:28,134 and I lean over and whisper, "I can't. 189 00:09:28,677 --> 00:09:30,887 I have to go to work in an hour." 190 00:09:31,514 --> 00:09:33,432 What is wrong with this picture? 191 00:09:34,475 --> 00:09:36,727 Well, for starters, you at Le Ralée. 192 00:09:38,062 --> 00:09:40,262 -It's a two-week wait. -So is Dennis Abbot. 193 00:09:42,609 --> 00:09:45,153 Frasier, we have got to get our old time slot back. 194 00:09:45,237 --> 00:09:48,449 Don't worry, Roz, we will. She just moved us to break our spirit. 195 00:09:48,533 --> 00:09:51,702 Well, she can saddle me up, ride me around the coffee room. 196 00:09:51,786 --> 00:09:54,456 I can't do this again. 197 00:09:54,540 --> 00:09:56,458 -Good morning. -Oh. Oh, hello. 198 00:09:57,042 --> 00:09:58,752 Enjoying your new time slot? 199 00:09:58,836 --> 00:10:01,589 Well, as a matter of fact, I found it invigorating. Yes. 200 00:10:01,673 --> 00:10:04,008 Didn't you, Roz? Remember that woman who called in, 201 00:10:04,092 --> 00:10:07,137 you know, with the delusions of grandeur? [CHUCKLES] 202 00:10:07,221 --> 00:10:10,349 Couldn't understand why nobody liked her? 203 00:10:12,935 --> 00:10:16,773 KATE: I hope you explained to her that it's not important that people like her 204 00:10:16,857 --> 00:10:18,858 as long as they respect her. 205 00:10:18,942 --> 00:10:20,735 FRASIER: Oh, yes, respect is important. 206 00:10:20,819 --> 00:10:22,154 So is self-respect. 207 00:10:22,238 --> 00:10:25,199 Oh, yes, yes, but some people, and this is so unfortunate, 208 00:10:25,283 --> 00:10:28,077 can't tell the difference between self-respect and pigheadedness. 209 00:10:28,161 --> 00:10:31,122 Yes, but those people are usually rigid little demagogues 210 00:10:31,206 --> 00:10:33,959 who don't know the difference between the kind of respect that is earned 211 00:10:34,043 --> 00:10:37,172 and the kind of respect that is… irrespective of… 212 00:10:38,048 --> 00:10:39,215 Of what others expect. 213 00:10:42,052 --> 00:10:45,306 Isn't it sad when bad things happen to good sentences? 214 00:10:47,391 --> 00:10:48,851 I think I made myself clear. 215 00:10:49,435 --> 00:10:51,688 Well, I really do have work to do. 216 00:10:51,772 --> 00:10:55,072 I've gotta find somebody for your old time slot now that it's free. 217 00:10:55,567 --> 00:10:56,694 Good luck! 218 00:10:58,613 --> 00:10:59,822 Nice going, Frasier. 219 00:10:59,906 --> 00:11:01,490 Now she's never gonna give in. 220 00:11:01,574 --> 00:11:04,286 Steady, Roz. She may have been able to intimidate people at other stations, 221 00:11:04,370 --> 00:11:07,920 but here at KACL she'll find that we are not a bunch of spineless twits. 222 00:11:09,291 --> 00:11:11,461 [WHISPERS] Hey, is she gone? 223 00:11:17,842 --> 00:11:19,845 If you don't want this bacon, I'm giving it to Eddie. 224 00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:21,847 You know bacon's not good for him. 225 00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:23,808 Eddie, hey, Eddie! Come here, boy! 226 00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:27,312 Ah. 227 00:11:30,649 --> 00:11:32,860 And can't we take that stupid thing off him? 228 00:11:32,944 --> 00:11:36,363 No, the vet said if he scratches the scabs, they'll never heal. 229 00:11:36,447 --> 00:11:39,116 And I have noticed, if you sit him next to the telly, 230 00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:41,036 channel five comes in a lot clearer. 231 00:11:44,331 --> 00:11:46,249 Look at him. He's humiliated. 232 00:11:46,333 --> 00:11:47,960 [DOG BARKING FROM UPSTAIRS] 233 00:11:48,044 --> 00:11:51,422 Yeah, well, it doesn't help that that bully upstairs keeps rubbing it in. 234 00:11:51,506 --> 00:11:53,925 -[EDDIE WOOFS] -You tell him, boy. 235 00:11:54,009 --> 00:11:54,885 [EDDIE BARKING] 236 00:11:54,969 --> 00:11:58,972 Oh, for God's sake, I am trying to get some sleep. 237 00:11:59,056 --> 00:12:00,683 I asked you to keep that dog quiet, 238 00:12:00,767 --> 00:12:03,061 and instead you outfit him with a megaphone. 239 00:12:11,154 --> 00:12:14,031 In the last 36 hours, I haven't had so much as a nap, 240 00:12:14,115 --> 00:12:16,535 and I've got to be back at the station by 2 a.m. 241 00:12:17,202 --> 00:12:19,329 Eddie, listen carefully. 242 00:12:20,914 --> 00:12:25,170 By the time this day is up, one of us is going to sleep. 243 00:12:26,963 --> 00:12:30,300 Oh, don't worry, Dr. Crane. I'll take Eddie for a walk. 244 00:12:30,384 --> 00:12:33,595 And as far as your problem at work goes, if you want my opinion… 245 00:12:33,679 --> 00:12:34,638 Don't! 246 00:12:35,890 --> 00:12:38,267 I've had my share of women's opinions for the week, 247 00:12:38,351 --> 00:12:40,269 between the station's new Reichschancellor 248 00:12:40,353 --> 00:12:41,813 and Roz's incessant whining. 249 00:12:43,191 --> 00:12:46,569 As far as I'm concerned, your entire sex can put a sock in it. 250 00:12:48,821 --> 00:12:51,574 Boy, you'd never let me get away with a comment like that. 251 00:12:51,658 --> 00:12:56,204 Oh, even the best of us can get a bit cranky when we're overtired. 252 00:12:56,288 --> 00:13:00,668 All Dr. Crane needs right now is a little peace and quiet. 253 00:13:01,169 --> 00:13:02,170 Eddie? 254 00:13:03,087 --> 00:13:05,174 -[WHISTLES] -FRASIER: Damn it! 255 00:13:09,595 --> 00:13:11,848 -Oh. Morning, Daphne. -Oh. Hello. 256 00:13:11,932 --> 00:13:14,517 -Where are you off to? -I'm taking Eddie for a walk. 257 00:13:14,601 --> 00:13:16,853 -By yourself? -Yes, of course. Why not? 258 00:13:17,562 --> 00:13:18,730 It's dangerous out there. 259 00:13:18,814 --> 00:13:20,664 You never know when you might need… 260 00:13:22,693 --> 00:13:23,653 One of these. 261 00:13:25,822 --> 00:13:27,407 A starter's pistol? 262 00:13:29,243 --> 00:13:34,249 Oh, I don't think so, Dr. Crane, but thanks for the thought. [LAUGHS] 263 00:13:37,126 --> 00:13:39,128 NILES: How did she know it wasn't a real gun? 264 00:13:39,212 --> 00:13:42,550 Fooled the servants, even the ones who spent years fleeing juntas. 265 00:13:44,677 --> 00:13:46,845 -You bought a starter's pistol? -NILES: Yes. 266 00:13:46,929 --> 00:13:49,932 As long as Maris thinks it's real, it makes her feel secure. 267 00:13:50,016 --> 00:13:52,316 -But this way no one can get hurt. -[GUNSHOT] 268 00:13:57,650 --> 00:13:59,193 What the hell was that?! 269 00:14:00,570 --> 00:14:01,863 Was that a gunshot? 270 00:14:02,489 --> 00:14:05,242 -Morning, Frasier, just getting up? -Just getting up?! 271 00:14:06,952 --> 00:14:10,080 Are you out of your mind? A gun just went off in here! 272 00:14:10,164 --> 00:14:12,249 Niles bought a starter's pistol. 273 00:14:12,333 --> 00:14:15,002 And there's no need to get snippy. Accidents happen, you know. 274 00:14:15,086 --> 00:14:16,589 Oh, I'm sorry. Was I snippy? 275 00:14:18,924 --> 00:14:20,592 I didn't realize it was too much to ask 276 00:14:20,676 --> 00:14:23,930 that there not be gun play in my living room! 277 00:14:26,933 --> 00:14:29,645 You know, Niles, you shouldn't have any kind of gun. 278 00:14:29,729 --> 00:14:32,773 Come to think of it, now that Mr. Sunshine's home during the day, 279 00:14:32,857 --> 00:14:34,191 maybe I shouldn't either. 280 00:14:36,527 --> 00:14:37,487 Just relax. 281 00:14:38,030 --> 00:14:40,406 It won't be long before my loyal fans protest 282 00:14:40,490 --> 00:14:43,576 and the afternoon slot is once again home 283 00:14:43,660 --> 00:14:46,748 to the compassionate and lovable Dr. Frasier Crane. 284 00:14:47,498 --> 00:14:49,198 Now get the hell out, both of you. 285 00:14:51,211 --> 00:14:54,297 All right. Maybe I can catch up to Daphne in the park. 286 00:14:54,381 --> 00:14:55,466 I'll cover you. 287 00:15:01,514 --> 00:15:04,392 Hello, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. 288 00:15:04,476 --> 00:15:06,353 I'll be taking your calls for the next four hours. 289 00:15:06,437 --> 00:15:07,604 Roz, who's on the line? 290 00:15:07,688 --> 00:15:09,649 How should I know? I just got here. 291 00:15:13,070 --> 00:15:15,697 Hello, line two. You're on with Dr. Frasier Crane. 292 00:15:15,781 --> 00:15:20,911 -[OVER PHONE] Hey, Dr. Crane. It's Mark. -Hello, Mark. I'm listening. 293 00:15:20,995 --> 00:15:25,040 Okay, well, I work at this all-night mini-mart, 294 00:15:25,124 --> 00:15:28,587 and I've been watching myself on the video camera, 295 00:15:28,671 --> 00:15:31,632 and the camera-me is doing things I don't approve of. 296 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:47,065 WOMAN [ON PHONE]: People think insomnia is a laughing matter, but it's hell. 297 00:15:47,149 --> 00:15:50,820 I mean, if I don't get some sleep soon, I'll go crazy. 298 00:15:50,904 --> 00:15:53,407 You've got to help me, Dr. Crane. 299 00:15:54,741 --> 00:15:55,785 Dr. Crane? 300 00:15:58,746 --> 00:16:00,289 Hey, I'm talking here! 301 00:16:02,209 --> 00:16:04,420 What?! I'm listening. 302 00:16:07,965 --> 00:16:10,593 Well, so what do you think I should do? 303 00:16:13,513 --> 00:16:18,936 Well, you know, sometimes these things seem clearer in the light of day. Um… 304 00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:21,021 My advice is to sleep on it. 305 00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:28,613 Is that some kind of a joke? You make fun of the insomniac? 306 00:16:28,697 --> 00:16:29,614 FRASIER: Oh, no! 307 00:16:29,698 --> 00:16:31,701 [DIAL TONE HUMMING] 308 00:16:32,869 --> 00:16:33,870 [KNOCKING ON WINDOW] 309 00:16:34,454 --> 00:16:37,750 Oh, oh, and now for a word from, um, uh, ahh… 310 00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:39,877 Someone, uh… 311 00:16:41,086 --> 00:16:42,921 I forget. I think they sell paint. 312 00:16:49,095 --> 00:16:51,055 Do you hear that whooshing sound? 313 00:16:51,139 --> 00:16:53,142 It's my career going down the toilet. 314 00:16:54,226 --> 00:16:56,770 Oh, God, Roz, I don't think I've helped a single person tonight. 315 00:16:56,854 --> 00:16:59,190 Helped? You'll be lucky if you don't get sued. 316 00:16:59,274 --> 00:17:01,859 You told a longshoreman to come out of the closet 317 00:17:01,943 --> 00:17:04,446 and a gay guy to spend more time on the docks. 318 00:17:06,532 --> 00:17:09,034 You're the one who's supposed to keep track of who's on what line. 319 00:17:09,118 --> 00:17:10,953 Let me make it easy for you. Freaks! 320 00:17:11,037 --> 00:17:13,707 Freaks on line one! Freaks on line two! Freaks everywhere! 321 00:17:13,791 --> 00:17:17,377 Oh, Roz, Roz, Roz, we shouldn't get mad at each other. 322 00:17:18,754 --> 00:17:21,507 -This is all Kate's fault. -You're right, you're right. 323 00:17:21,591 --> 00:17:24,218 She's ruining us, and there's nothing we can do. 324 00:17:24,302 --> 00:17:25,303 Yes, there is. 325 00:17:26,054 --> 00:17:28,140 If we're gonna go down, we're gonna take her down with us. 326 00:17:28,224 --> 00:17:29,474 We've got one hour left. 327 00:17:29,558 --> 00:17:32,227 If she wants raunch, we're gonna give her more raunch than she dreamed of. 328 00:17:32,311 --> 00:17:33,311 Are you with me, Roz? 329 00:17:33,395 --> 00:17:35,314 Just pump up the volume and call me Kitty. 330 00:17:35,398 --> 00:17:36,691 Okay. 331 00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:42,239 We're back, Seattle, and in accordance with new station policy, 332 00:17:42,323 --> 00:17:45,451 we are going to be pandering to the lowest human instinct. 333 00:17:45,535 --> 00:17:48,413 In other words, who wants to talk about sex? 334 00:17:48,497 --> 00:17:50,916 Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex! 335 00:17:51,542 --> 00:17:53,877 -[WHIP CRACKS ON RECORDING] -Yeah! 336 00:17:55,964 --> 00:17:58,632 I wanna know who's having sex, how you're having it. 337 00:17:58,716 --> 00:18:01,052 I wanna know if you're having it right now. 338 00:18:02,262 --> 00:18:06,058 Look, Dr. Crane, the lines are hot, really hot. 339 00:18:07,643 --> 00:18:08,644 Thank you, Kitty. 340 00:18:09,603 --> 00:18:11,648 Hello, caller. What are you wearing? 341 00:18:12,190 --> 00:18:13,858 WOMAN [ON PHONE]: Nothing. I'm naked. 342 00:18:13,942 --> 00:18:17,821 Hey, that's a great idea. Let's all get naked. 343 00:18:17,905 --> 00:18:19,824 Hey, I'm getting naked right now! 344 00:18:21,409 --> 00:18:24,746 While Dr. Crane strips, our new station manager would like to know 345 00:18:24,830 --> 00:18:28,166 if you prefer to be the spanker or the spankee. 346 00:18:28,250 --> 00:18:29,876 Oh, definitely the spanker. 347 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,004 Well, then hop in a cab! 348 00:18:32,088 --> 00:18:34,424 -I'm not wearing any pants! -Wow! 349 00:18:38,345 --> 00:18:40,764 FRASIER [ON RECORDING]: While Roz laces up her leather bustier, 350 00:18:40,848 --> 00:18:44,601 this is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL, 351 00:18:44,685 --> 00:18:48,481 all talk, all night, all naked! 352 00:18:51,526 --> 00:18:52,528 Explain. 353 00:18:53,029 --> 00:18:57,116 As George Bernard Shaw once said, "There are two tragedies in life. 354 00:18:57,909 --> 00:19:01,579 One is not getting what we want, the other is getting it." 355 00:19:01,663 --> 00:19:04,374 You know full well this is not what I wanted. 356 00:19:04,458 --> 00:19:06,878 You did this to vex me. 357 00:19:07,921 --> 00:19:09,547 And you succeeded. 358 00:19:10,131 --> 00:19:12,174 And it was not Shaw. It was Oscar Wilde. 359 00:19:12,258 --> 00:19:14,136 Did you ever open a book at Harvard? 360 00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:18,348 You know, one of these days, you are going to misquote someone, 361 00:19:18,432 --> 00:19:20,769 and I'm gonna land on you like a Sumo wrestler. 362 00:19:23,813 --> 00:19:28,318 All I wanted, all I wanted, was a lousy little theme show once or twice a week. 363 00:19:28,402 --> 00:19:32,197 Yeah, "Frasier Crane Takes a Leering Look at infidelity." 364 00:19:32,281 --> 00:19:33,657 No, not a leering look. 365 00:19:33,741 --> 00:19:36,327 Just a good look at the pain of infidelity, 366 00:19:36,411 --> 00:19:37,662 at what it does to families, 367 00:19:37,746 --> 00:19:40,915 at what it does to children, at what it does to the fabric of society. 368 00:19:40,999 --> 00:19:42,668 And this is just off the top of my head. 369 00:19:42,752 --> 00:19:45,838 But, no, you are such an arrogant gasbag, 370 00:19:45,922 --> 00:19:47,882 so used to being cock of the walk around here, 371 00:19:47,966 --> 00:19:50,552 that you can't stand still for one minute and listen 372 00:19:50,636 --> 00:19:53,013 to a perfectly valid suggestion from somebody else. 373 00:19:53,097 --> 00:19:56,642 And you are such a smug egomaniac that your entire self-image 374 00:19:56,726 --> 00:19:58,060 would shatter like a cheap mirror 375 00:19:58,144 --> 00:20:00,744 if you ever had to admit that you had made a mistake! 376 00:20:01,064 --> 00:20:03,483 You are a classic case of neurotic narcissism 377 00:20:03,567 --> 00:20:05,695 and a first-class smarty-pants! 378 00:20:09,365 --> 00:20:11,159 You can go ahead and fire me now. 379 00:20:11,243 --> 00:20:14,413 Yes, I could do that, yes. 380 00:20:15,455 --> 00:20:17,040 But I'm not going to. 381 00:20:19,127 --> 00:20:20,777 Did you listen to the whole tape? 382 00:20:22,505 --> 00:20:23,339 Oh, yeah. 383 00:20:23,881 --> 00:20:26,801 But unlike you, I put what's good for this station 384 00:20:26,885 --> 00:20:28,762 above my personal feelings. 385 00:20:29,513 --> 00:20:31,766 Well, that's… That's awfully big of you. 386 00:20:33,226 --> 00:20:36,026 Guess that means I'll be moving back to my old time slot. 387 00:20:36,354 --> 00:20:38,189 Guess again, Captain Midnight. 388 00:20:39,608 --> 00:20:41,360 If I give you back your old time slot 389 00:20:41,444 --> 00:20:43,403 without your making a single concession to me, 390 00:20:43,487 --> 00:20:45,698 that would completely undermine my authority. 391 00:20:46,199 --> 00:20:49,161 Being a crack shrink, surely that's within your grasp. 392 00:20:49,745 --> 00:20:53,290 Grasp this: if I don't get my old time slot, I quit. 393 00:20:53,374 --> 00:20:56,878 Grasp this: You do, and I'll sue you for breach of contract. 394 00:20:57,920 --> 00:20:59,672 Okay, then it's a stalemate. 395 00:20:59,756 --> 00:21:02,342 And if we don't want to remain entrenched in these positions forever, 396 00:21:02,426 --> 00:21:04,302 one of us had better think of something. 397 00:21:04,386 --> 00:21:06,180 Yes, one of us better. 398 00:21:19,695 --> 00:21:21,197 -I've got it! -Damn. 399 00:21:25,952 --> 00:21:27,954 -So we're together, right? -Absolutely. 400 00:21:28,664 --> 00:21:30,332 We won't let her push us around any longer. 401 00:21:30,416 --> 00:21:31,917 Nope. You do the talking. 402 00:21:32,001 --> 00:21:34,586 I'll stand behind you and burn holes through her 403 00:21:34,670 --> 00:21:37,966 with my "You call this a hollandaise sauce?" glare. 404 00:21:38,550 --> 00:21:39,551 I don't care what you say! 405 00:21:39,635 --> 00:21:42,262 I like theme shows, and I'm going to do them starting Friday 406 00:21:42,346 --> 00:21:45,182 with "Frasier Crane Takes a Look at the Consequences of Infidelity"! 407 00:21:45,266 --> 00:21:48,102 You do, and I'll make you start that show with classical music. 408 00:21:48,186 --> 00:21:51,023 Bartók's "Concerto in C." I don't care how much you hate it. 409 00:21:51,107 --> 00:21:52,191 Damn you! 410 00:21:53,609 --> 00:21:55,945 It's my way or no way. 411 00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:59,116 You win. Bartók it is. 412 00:22:01,118 --> 00:22:03,829 -What do you two want? -Nothing. 413 00:22:03,913 --> 00:22:05,331 Keep up the good work. 414 00:22:13,423 --> 00:22:14,424 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 415 00:22:14,508 --> 00:22:17,163 ♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪ 416 00:22:17,247 --> 00:22:19,556 ♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪ 417 00:22:20,181 --> 00:22:21,390 Oh, my. 418 00:22:21,474 --> 00:22:23,977 ♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪ 419 00:22:24,061 --> 00:22:26,563 ♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪ 420 00:22:26,647 --> 00:22:28,648 Ha, ha, ha, ha! 421 00:22:28,732 --> 00:22:30,317 ♪ But I don't know what to do ♪ 422 00:22:30,401 --> 00:22:34,030 ♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪ 423 00:22:34,698 --> 00:22:37,366 ♪ They're callin' again ♪ 424 00:22:37,450 --> 00:22:38,451 Good night!