1 00:00:02,284 --> 00:00:04,286 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 2 00:00:10,125 --> 00:00:11,709 -Niles. -Hello. 3 00:00:11,793 --> 00:00:15,213 Is it just me or are the sidewalk Santas getting pushy? 4 00:00:16,005 --> 00:00:17,715 Well, tomorrow is Christmas. 5 00:00:17,799 --> 00:00:21,149 I suppose they might be anticipating a certain down-turn after that. 6 00:00:22,094 --> 00:00:23,387 Cappuccino, please. 7 00:00:24,471 --> 00:00:26,807 So, when does Frederick arrive? 8 00:00:27,516 --> 00:00:30,852 In six hours and 21 minutes, not that I'm the least bit excited. 9 00:00:30,936 --> 00:00:34,063 Yes, I'm sure he's excited too. First Christmas at Daddy's. 10 00:00:34,147 --> 00:00:36,899 I imagine he has visions of sugarplums dancing through his head. 11 00:00:36,983 --> 00:00:40,862 No, Lilith doesn't allow sweets. He's probably got visions of bran. 12 00:00:42,363 --> 00:00:45,698 Well, I've got my own reason to celebrate. 13 00:00:45,782 --> 00:00:48,618 Maris and I may be together again by the new year. 14 00:00:48,702 --> 00:00:50,745 -Oh, really, Niles? -Yes, yes, I called this morning 15 00:00:50,829 --> 00:00:53,373 to arrange the delivery of her Christmas gifts. 16 00:00:53,457 --> 00:00:57,501 And she said the only gift she'd accept from me was an abject apology. 17 00:00:57,585 --> 00:00:59,044 Going to cave in to her, aren't you? 18 00:00:59,128 --> 00:01:00,462 Au contraire. 19 00:01:00,546 --> 00:01:02,964 I told her I was not about to apologize. 20 00:01:03,048 --> 00:01:07,636 And from that point on, the respect in her voice came through loud and clear. 21 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:10,012 No small feat considering she was speaking at the time 22 00:01:10,096 --> 00:01:11,996 through the hole in her massage table. 23 00:01:14,392 --> 00:01:17,812 -Hello. -Hey, double espresso, please. 24 00:01:17,896 --> 00:01:20,606 This last-minute Christmas shopping is killing me. 25 00:01:20,690 --> 00:01:22,899 I never know what to give the men in my life. 26 00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:23,942 Since when? 27 00:01:27,613 --> 00:01:29,364 -Funny man. -Excuse me. 28 00:01:29,448 --> 00:01:31,848 -I'll take care of this. -Oh, thank you, Niles. 29 00:01:32,451 --> 00:01:34,285 So, what's new, Niles? 30 00:01:35,244 --> 00:01:37,344 I have been keeping it under wraps, but… 31 00:01:38,122 --> 00:01:39,499 Maris and I have separated. 32 00:01:40,249 --> 00:01:43,043 Oh, my God! I had no idea! 33 00:01:43,127 --> 00:01:44,920 I can't believe no one told me! 34 00:01:45,004 --> 00:01:47,756 -This is such a surprise. -That's enough, Tallulah. 35 00:01:49,549 --> 00:01:50,884 You're not fooling anyone. 36 00:01:52,385 --> 00:01:54,679 I'm sorry, sir. Your card didn't clear. 37 00:01:54,763 --> 00:01:56,889 -I have to do this. -But, wait! 38 00:01:56,973 --> 00:01:58,266 What, what are you doing? 39 00:01:59,100 --> 00:02:03,229 The computer said, "Credit canceled by order of co-signatory." 40 00:02:04,188 --> 00:02:06,398 Maris has canceled your credit card. 41 00:02:06,482 --> 00:02:08,400 Whoa, Merry Christmas! 42 00:02:09,735 --> 00:02:11,361 Would you care to use a different one? 43 00:02:11,445 --> 00:02:13,571 There's no point. They're all in her name. 44 00:02:14,155 --> 00:02:17,241 I'm calling her right now and demanding the restoration of my credit cards 45 00:02:17,325 --> 00:02:18,535 and my bank accounts… 46 00:02:19,410 --> 00:02:20,745 And my phone service. 47 00:02:27,292 --> 00:02:29,002 MAN [ON PHONE]: Doc, I'm at the airport, 48 00:02:29,086 --> 00:02:31,087 and I'm having a lot of trouble getting on the plane. 49 00:02:31,171 --> 00:02:34,799 Well, Bob, Bob, statistics prove that we're safer in the air than on the ground. 50 00:02:34,883 --> 00:02:36,301 No, that… that's not it. 51 00:02:36,385 --> 00:02:38,802 I'm supposed to be flying home to Newark for Christmas, 52 00:02:38,886 --> 00:02:41,764 but the next gate over has a flight to Maui. 53 00:02:41,848 --> 00:02:43,808 I'm telling you, it's calling me, Doc. 54 00:02:45,184 --> 00:02:48,479 Well, why are you hesitant to go home? 55 00:02:48,563 --> 00:02:50,730 Because it's the same thing every year. 56 00:02:50,814 --> 00:02:54,358 I travel 3000 miles to sit down at the dinner table with my family, 57 00:02:54,442 --> 00:02:56,277 and what do we talk about? 58 00:02:56,361 --> 00:03:00,198 What's going on in our lives? No. Our hopes and dreams? No. 59 00:03:00,282 --> 00:03:02,240 We talk about the turkey. 60 00:03:02,324 --> 00:03:05,535 "Boy, that's quite a bird." "Twenty-four pounder." 61 00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:08,455 "What time did you have to get up to put that in the oven, Ang?" 62 00:03:08,539 --> 00:03:10,248 "Oh, boy, that's moist! 63 00:03:10,332 --> 00:03:12,501 She must've been bastin' that bird all day!" 64 00:03:13,544 --> 00:03:15,836 "Are those walnuts in the stuffing?" 65 00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:18,464 "Oh, God! I forgot to put the rolls in the oven!" 66 00:03:19,966 --> 00:03:24,512 I guess what I'm trying to say, Bob, is that we're all in the same gravy boat. 67 00:03:25,889 --> 00:03:30,475 But you see, the important thing is that we spend time with our loved ones. 68 00:03:30,559 --> 00:03:34,813 Just think how you'd feel if you woke up tomorrow morning 6000 miles away 69 00:03:34,897 --> 00:03:35,814 from your home. 70 00:03:35,898 --> 00:03:39,483 Well, you know, that really puts it in perspective, Doc. 71 00:03:39,567 --> 00:03:42,528 -I got a plane to catch. -Malekaleke maka, Bob. 72 00:03:42,612 --> 00:03:44,614 [DIAL TONE SOUNDS] 73 00:03:46,157 --> 00:03:48,242 We'll be right back after these messages. 74 00:03:49,869 --> 00:03:51,786 Oh, Roz, what'd they say? What'd they say? 75 00:03:51,870 --> 00:03:53,830 Relax. Frederick's flight is still on time. 76 00:03:53,914 --> 00:03:55,414 He'll be here in less than three hours. 77 00:03:55,498 --> 00:03:58,334 And the florist called and you can pick up your wreath on the way home. 78 00:03:58,418 --> 00:04:01,587 Oh, fabulous. You know, every year Dad puts that kitschy creature 79 00:04:01,671 --> 00:04:03,757 with the red light bulb nose on the door. 80 00:04:04,798 --> 00:04:08,009 Hey, great party! Best one ever, thanks to me. 81 00:04:08,093 --> 00:04:09,386 I hired a stripper. 82 00:04:09,470 --> 00:04:13,807 Doc, you will never guess what her name is. 83 00:04:13,891 --> 00:04:15,142 Candy Cane. 84 00:04:17,268 --> 00:04:18,311 What are the odds? 85 00:04:21,230 --> 00:04:26,277 For those of you who've not yet sampled the punch, here is my capsule review: 86 00:04:26,361 --> 00:04:33,283 vile bouquet, unwholesome color, ghastly taste and a kick that is simply heaven. 87 00:04:35,243 --> 00:04:38,079 -Okay, 30 seconds, Frasier. -All right, out, out, out, please. 88 00:04:38,163 --> 00:04:41,040 -Come on! -Hey, Roz, you know what's over my head? 89 00:04:41,124 --> 00:04:43,042 Almost any clever remark? 90 00:04:44,877 --> 00:04:46,671 -What did she mean by that? -Out! 91 00:04:49,382 --> 00:04:51,842 Oh, listen, Roz, I know you got a plane to catch, 92 00:04:51,926 --> 00:04:54,177 and the traffic to the airport is probably very bad, 93 00:04:54,261 --> 00:04:58,264 so in the spirit of the Christmas season, why don't you just take off early, hmm? 94 00:04:58,348 --> 00:05:01,434 You're going to read one of your inspirational Christmas fables again, 95 00:05:01,518 --> 00:05:02,685 -aren't you? -Yes, I am. 96 00:05:02,769 --> 00:05:03,603 Yeah. 97 00:05:03,687 --> 00:05:06,314 It'll be a lot easier without you sticking your finger in your throat. 98 00:05:06,398 --> 00:05:07,898 Right. Merry Christmas. 99 00:05:07,982 --> 00:05:09,399 Merry Christmas, Roz. 100 00:05:09,483 --> 00:05:11,610 -Say hi to Frederick. -Yes, and say hi to your mom for me. 101 00:05:11,694 --> 00:05:12,945 -Will do. -Okay. 102 00:05:13,904 --> 00:05:14,821 Hi, we're back. 103 00:05:14,905 --> 00:05:19,658 As most of my faithful listeners know, every year I compose a parable 104 00:05:19,742 --> 00:05:23,705 that I hope will illuminate the spirit of the Christmas season. 105 00:05:25,248 --> 00:05:27,250 [INDISTINCT CHATTERING] 106 00:05:30,211 --> 00:05:35,382 So, without any further ado, I give you the story of Olaf, 107 00:05:36,425 --> 00:05:37,968 the Lonely Little Goatherd. 108 00:05:40,262 --> 00:05:42,097 [GOATS BLEATING] 109 00:05:44,307 --> 00:05:48,561 Once upon a time, long ago, there lived a lonely little goatherd. 110 00:05:49,395 --> 00:05:54,691 He had no family and no playthings, so to amuse himself one day, 111 00:05:54,775 --> 00:05:57,193 he carved a little wooden flute, 112 00:05:58,903 --> 00:06:03,366 a flute which he used to play during the long, lonely evenings. 113 00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:05,451 And the tune it made was very lovely, 114 00:06:05,535 --> 00:06:09,372 and all the people in the village below could hear the pure glorious sounds. 115 00:06:09,955 --> 00:06:13,555 This is all very amusing, but nothing you can do is going to distract me. 116 00:06:18,756 --> 00:06:23,092 One day the son of a wealthy merchant heard the music. 117 00:06:23,176 --> 00:06:25,594 And while that boy had all the toys in the world, 118 00:06:25,678 --> 00:06:28,472 he was jealous of this little goatherd's flute. 119 00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:33,561 So one dark night… [BLOWING] one dark, windy night, 120 00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:38,606 the merchant's son stole his precious instrument. 121 00:06:38,690 --> 00:06:42,026 But when he took that flute home, he couldn't make it play. 122 00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:44,612 So he smashed the flute to bits. 123 00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:47,906 And the little goatherd came down the mountain the next morning 124 00:06:47,990 --> 00:06:49,533 and saw his flute was broken. 125 00:06:50,701 --> 00:06:51,577 Yikes! 126 00:06:54,246 --> 00:06:58,292 He might have said that, but instead he forgave the merchant's son. 127 00:06:59,293 --> 00:07:02,795 And the wealthy merchant adopted the little goatherd and… 128 00:07:02,879 --> 00:07:04,089 Oh, Mama! 129 00:07:06,716 --> 00:07:09,635 …he said upon meeting the merchant's wife. 130 00:07:09,719 --> 00:07:15,015 And somewhere along the way he learned the true meaning of Christmas. 131 00:07:15,099 --> 00:07:20,104 This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you a truly blessed and forgiving holiday. 132 00:07:21,814 --> 00:07:23,732 There, now you see, nice try. 133 00:07:24,690 --> 00:07:27,026 Miss Cane's delightful performance aside, 134 00:07:27,110 --> 00:07:30,655 this just proves that the power of my message cannot be stayed. 135 00:07:31,572 --> 00:07:33,991 For God's sake, what am I, a robot? 136 00:07:39,329 --> 00:07:41,998 And to all, a good night. 137 00:07:53,175 --> 00:07:54,176 Oh. 138 00:07:55,469 --> 00:07:56,720 Hi, Dad, uh… 139 00:07:57,805 --> 00:08:01,224 Listen, I… I'm gonna put this wreath up here. 140 00:08:01,308 --> 00:08:02,767 What's the matter with Rudolph? 141 00:08:02,851 --> 00:08:05,144 Well, Dad, I just think that Christmas decorations 142 00:08:05,228 --> 00:08:07,438 should be understated and tasteful. 143 00:08:07,522 --> 00:08:09,858 Boy, I can't even have one thing that I want. 144 00:08:11,401 --> 00:08:15,101 Dad, I'm sorry, but if I gave you one thing, God knows where it might lead. 145 00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:20,284 [TRAIN HORN WHISTLING] 146 00:08:28,249 --> 00:08:29,333 Oh, God! 147 00:08:29,959 --> 00:08:32,420 My childhood Christmases all over again. 148 00:08:33,796 --> 00:08:37,049 Only Mom isn't here to say, "Shut up, you'll hurt his feelings." 149 00:08:38,009 --> 00:08:39,801 Aw, don't be such a Grinch. 150 00:08:41,219 --> 00:08:42,971 SANTA: Ho, ho, ho… 151 00:08:44,723 --> 00:08:46,432 It works when you step on the mat. 152 00:08:46,516 --> 00:08:47,850 Ho, ho, ho… 153 00:08:47,934 --> 00:08:50,812 It can say, "Ho-ho-ho," "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays." 154 00:08:50,896 --> 00:08:54,746 Well, I hope it can say "Geronimo" 'cause I'm gonna throw him off the balcony. 155 00:08:55,691 --> 00:08:58,902 Well, I don't care what you think. It's not for you. It's for Frederick. 156 00:08:58,986 --> 00:09:03,324 Well, I suppose you're right, Dad. I used to love that stuff when I was 6. 157 00:09:04,033 --> 00:09:07,118 By the time I was 7, I started to have questions. 158 00:09:07,202 --> 00:09:10,622 When I was eight, I started spending a lot more time with the Bernsteins. 159 00:09:15,001 --> 00:09:18,920 -Well, I'm off to Joe's parents' house. -See you've been busy in the kitchen. 160 00:09:19,004 --> 00:09:22,382 Yeah, I'm bringing Grammy Moon's famous plum duff. 161 00:09:22,466 --> 00:09:25,886 Oh, it's a still flour pudding boiled in a cloth bag. 162 00:09:26,637 --> 00:09:28,096 Who gets to lick the bag? 163 00:09:29,514 --> 00:09:32,474 Oh, you see, Grammy Moon had a secret ingredient. 164 00:09:32,558 --> 00:09:36,771 She'd soak it for hours in rum, then ignite it in a blinding flash. 165 00:09:37,730 --> 00:09:40,065 As soon as she came out of the kitchen with no eyebrows, 166 00:09:40,149 --> 00:09:41,525 we knew dessert was ready. 167 00:09:42,817 --> 00:09:46,863 To this day, the smell of burning hair puts me in the holiday spirit. 168 00:09:48,907 --> 00:09:51,707 -Bye. Merry Christmas. -FRASIER: Bye. Merry Christmas. 169 00:09:52,202 --> 00:09:54,620 Someone's gonna have to go back down to the storeroom. 170 00:09:54,704 --> 00:09:57,164 -There's still something missing. -You must be kidding, Dad. 171 00:09:57,248 --> 00:09:59,798 My God, this place couldn't look any more ludicrous. 172 00:10:08,049 --> 00:10:09,633 [DOORBELL RINGS] 173 00:10:09,717 --> 00:10:12,469 Once I saw how those white hairs on his chin looked like a beard, 174 00:10:12,553 --> 00:10:14,931 the rest of the idea just fell into place. 175 00:10:19,394 --> 00:10:21,228 -Niles! -Hello, Frasier. 176 00:10:25,148 --> 00:10:27,567 I know, I know, shut up, we'll hurt his feelings. 177 00:10:29,903 --> 00:10:32,529 So, Niles, did you have a discussion with Maris? 178 00:10:32,613 --> 00:10:34,699 No, but I had an epiphany. 179 00:10:35,574 --> 00:10:39,745 I realized cutting off my funds is Maris' way of saying I love you. 180 00:10:41,205 --> 00:10:43,207 She always uses money to get what she wants. 181 00:10:43,291 --> 00:10:47,501 Ergo, this is proof she wants me back. What do you think? 182 00:10:47,585 --> 00:10:49,796 SANTA: Ho, ho, ho… 183 00:10:52,632 --> 00:10:54,301 I think Santa said it all for us. 184 00:11:04,310 --> 00:11:05,894 Dad, you have to get out more. 185 00:11:09,815 --> 00:11:11,858 You've started doing old lady things. 186 00:11:13,318 --> 00:11:14,735 It's for Frederick. 187 00:11:14,819 --> 00:11:16,237 Oh, of course it is. 188 00:11:17,488 --> 00:11:19,365 Oh, that reminds me, I don't want to impose, 189 00:11:19,449 --> 00:11:21,992 but may I ride with you to the airport to pick up Frederick? 190 00:11:22,076 --> 00:11:25,036 Of course you may, Niles. I just have to wrap up his presents first. 191 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:26,955 -Wonderful. -So what'd you get Freddie? 192 00:11:27,039 --> 00:11:29,958 Well, actually, Dad, I ordered from the toy catalog 193 00:11:30,042 --> 00:11:33,211 from the special section called "Gifts for the Gifted." 194 00:11:33,295 --> 00:11:37,172 I got him the Junior Astronomer set and the Geology Lab. 195 00:11:37,256 --> 00:11:40,092 Oh, and I got a fabulous thing, the Living Brain. 196 00:11:40,176 --> 00:11:42,010 You get to paint each lobe a different color 197 00:11:42,094 --> 00:11:44,638 and then you stuff it inside the Living Skull. 198 00:11:44,722 --> 00:11:46,556 MARTIN: Hey, you know what kids really like? 199 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:49,725 They've been advertising it like crazy on TV. It's great! 200 00:11:49,809 --> 00:11:51,644 The Outlaw Laser Robo-Geek. 201 00:11:53,938 --> 00:11:56,941 Its head lights up and it shoots death rays out of its eyes. 202 00:11:58,693 --> 00:11:59,944 Yeah, a little like that. 203 00:12:03,447 --> 00:12:05,573 Listen, Dad, I think I know what Frederick likes. 204 00:12:05,657 --> 00:12:07,450 He's precocious. He needs to be challenged. 205 00:12:07,534 --> 00:12:09,786 Oh, challenge him the other 364 days. 206 00:12:09,870 --> 00:12:12,663 One day out of the year indulge him. Let him be a kid. 207 00:12:12,747 --> 00:12:15,040 Look, Dad, I'm sorry. If Frederick's anything like me, 208 00:12:15,124 --> 00:12:17,460 the kind of toys he'll like to play with are… 209 00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:21,630 A kitchen set, a doll house and three kinds of Barbies. 210 00:12:21,714 --> 00:12:22,840 Oh, my God! 211 00:12:23,549 --> 00:12:26,175 This is for a Franklin Crane from Kennebunkport. 212 00:12:26,259 --> 00:12:28,886 Oh, God, do you realize what this means? 213 00:12:28,970 --> 00:12:31,932 Yes. The Cranes of Maine have got your Living Brain. 214 00:12:39,271 --> 00:12:40,106 No. 215 00:12:41,941 --> 00:12:43,859 It means I don't have anything for Freddie. 216 00:12:43,943 --> 00:12:47,696 God, I wanted everything to be so perfect. Now he's gonna have a horrible Christmas. 217 00:12:47,780 --> 00:12:50,448 Hey, listen, it's okay. There's a big toy store in the mall. 218 00:12:50,532 --> 00:12:52,742 They're open late tonight. Just don't worry about it. 219 00:12:52,826 --> 00:12:55,411 Well, that's easy for you to say, Dad. My God, it's Christmas Eve. 220 00:12:55,495 --> 00:12:58,122 The gifts I ordered are 3000 miles away, my son is due in an hour, 221 00:12:58,206 --> 00:13:01,208 and on top of it all, I have to go to a mall. 222 00:13:01,292 --> 00:13:03,043 SANTA: Ho, ho, ho… 223 00:13:03,127 --> 00:13:04,795 Oh, don't look at me. He said it. 224 00:13:10,300 --> 00:13:13,178 [INDISTINCT CHATTER] 225 00:13:14,430 --> 00:13:17,848 Niles, the customers are marauding through here like a pack of feral dogs. 226 00:13:17,932 --> 00:13:19,099 Did you see that woman? 227 00:13:19,183 --> 00:13:21,310 She practically knocked me over on the way to the escalator! 228 00:13:21,394 --> 00:13:24,994 Oh, how about that woman near the cosmetics counter who tried to mace me? 229 00:13:25,231 --> 00:13:27,881 That was a cologne sample, Niles. That's what they do. 230 00:13:29,568 --> 00:13:31,361 Come on, Niles, we've got five minutes. 231 00:13:31,445 --> 00:13:33,696 -We've gotta find a sales clerk. -Oh, well, good luck. 232 00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:36,115 Well then, we'll have to find something ourselves, I guess. 233 00:13:36,199 --> 00:13:38,242 Well, hey, hey, this looks amusing. 234 00:13:38,326 --> 00:13:42,163 No, Niles, please, may I remind you we're looking for something educational? 235 00:13:42,746 --> 00:13:44,540 Oh, oh, oh, it has buttons. 236 00:13:45,499 --> 00:13:46,417 What's it doing? 237 00:13:48,043 --> 00:13:49,294 It's flashing. 238 00:13:49,378 --> 00:13:52,130 Niles, please, remember that Freddie tested in the highest percentile 239 00:13:52,214 --> 00:13:54,048 for cognitive skills and deductive reasoning. 240 00:13:54,132 --> 00:13:56,384 -What's it doing now? -[BEEPING] 241 00:13:56,468 --> 00:13:58,219 It's beeping, for God's sake. 242 00:13:58,303 --> 00:14:00,388 And as much as I would like to inflict this on Lilith, 243 00:14:00,472 --> 00:14:02,891 I'm looking for fast and educational, all right? 244 00:14:08,562 --> 00:14:11,862 -I wonder what else it does. -Let's see if it protects your head. 245 00:14:18,571 --> 00:14:20,114 Here's something. Wait, wait! 246 00:14:21,157 --> 00:14:23,033 -Look at this! Look at this! -Oh, God! 247 00:14:23,117 --> 00:14:25,619 It's called "Ecto-Goo." 248 00:14:25,703 --> 00:14:27,621 Oh, well, that sounds vaguely scientific. 249 00:14:27,705 --> 00:14:29,957 But what could he possibly learn from that? 250 00:14:30,041 --> 00:14:33,418 For starters, he can learn never to wear Armani to a toy store. 251 00:14:33,502 --> 00:14:37,004 Let's see if I can remember what I ordered from the catalog and look for that. 252 00:14:37,088 --> 00:14:38,756 First, the Living Brain. 253 00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:39,841 Living Brain? 254 00:14:39,925 --> 00:14:42,344 -FRASIER: Yes. -What kind of dork wants that? 255 00:14:43,469 --> 00:14:47,219 With any luck the kind of dork who'll be operating on your prostate someday. 256 00:14:53,437 --> 00:14:55,980 Frasier, Frasier, Frasier, look, look, there it is! 257 00:14:56,064 --> 00:14:57,648 It's on the shelf! It's up on that shelf! 258 00:14:57,732 --> 00:14:59,775 Oh, Lord, it's covered with dust. 259 00:14:59,859 --> 00:15:03,571 The brain is dusty. Could there be a clearer metaphor? 260 00:15:03,655 --> 00:15:06,031 Oh, no, there's nothing in it. 261 00:15:06,115 --> 00:15:08,199 -Can I have it? -Well, it's an empty box, ma'am. 262 00:15:08,283 --> 00:15:10,785 I know, but I can put my son's Robo-Geek in it. 263 00:15:10,869 --> 00:15:14,581 You know how scared he'll be when he thinks he's getting something this nerdy? 264 00:15:14,665 --> 00:15:15,748 [CHUCKLES] 265 00:15:15,832 --> 00:15:18,585 Oh, God, this is hopeless. We'll never find anything for Frederick. 266 00:15:18,669 --> 00:15:20,919 Oh, Frasier, just give him a check. 267 00:15:21,003 --> 00:15:22,880 Niles, you can't give a check to a child. 268 00:15:22,964 --> 00:15:24,674 That's what I'm giving him. 269 00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:26,926 It has a stagecoach on it. 270 00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,179 Niles, Maris canceled your account. 271 00:15:31,138 --> 00:15:31,973 Damn! 272 00:15:33,139 --> 00:15:35,099 Oh, look at that man's bag. 273 00:15:35,183 --> 00:15:39,645 "Young Minds." Sir, excuse me, is this store in the mall? 274 00:15:39,729 --> 00:15:42,398 -Yeah. -And it's educational toys? 275 00:15:42,482 --> 00:15:44,650 Mm-hm. Nothing but. It's just a couple of doors down. 276 00:15:44,734 --> 00:15:46,818 Yes! Virginia, there is a Santa Claus! 277 00:15:46,902 --> 00:15:49,237 No, they closed a half hour ago. 278 00:15:49,321 --> 00:15:51,114 Damn! Damn it! 279 00:15:51,198 --> 00:15:55,578 Look, this is perfect. It's a chemistry lab and a picture puzzle and… 280 00:15:56,620 --> 00:15:59,663 My son comes in in a half an hour, and I have absolutely nothing for him. 281 00:15:59,747 --> 00:16:02,374 He'll be in in 22 minutes if he picks up a good tail wind. 282 00:16:02,458 --> 00:16:05,211 You, uh… you really need this stuff bad, don't you? 283 00:16:05,295 --> 00:16:07,755 Oh, you have no idea. It would save my life. 284 00:16:08,423 --> 00:16:11,508 I'll tell you what, seeing as how it's Christmas… 285 00:16:11,592 --> 00:16:13,051 Oh, God bless you, sir. 286 00:16:13,135 --> 00:16:14,261 A thousand bucks. 287 00:16:16,930 --> 00:16:20,391 -What? A thousand bucks? -Hey, take it or leave it. 288 00:16:20,475 --> 00:16:24,061 Well, I mean, it's just no more than a hundred dollars' worth of things here. 289 00:16:24,145 --> 00:16:27,845 Ladies and gentlemen, we're beginning our descent into the Seattle Airport. 290 00:16:28,024 --> 00:16:30,692 -I'm just trying to do you a favor here. -Well, it's some favor. 291 00:16:30,776 --> 00:16:32,611 Please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are 292 00:16:32,695 --> 00:16:34,613 -in their fully upright positions. -Shut up, Niles! 293 00:16:34,697 --> 00:16:37,197 All right, all right, let's see what I've got here. 294 00:16:38,575 --> 00:16:41,911 All right, look, I've got, uh… Here's three hundred dollars. 295 00:16:41,995 --> 00:16:44,705 Would you accept a personal check for the rest? 296 00:16:44,789 --> 00:16:47,375 -Hey, it's Christmas. -Oh, bless you. 297 00:16:47,459 --> 00:16:49,292 Bless you so much. Very well, thank you. 298 00:16:49,376 --> 00:16:50,836 Niles, give the man a check. 299 00:16:56,759 --> 00:16:58,760 -Where's Freddie? -Putting on his pajamas. 300 00:16:58,844 --> 00:17:01,095 He'll come in and say good night after he brushes his teeth. 301 00:17:01,179 --> 00:17:02,346 So, how'd you do? 302 00:17:02,430 --> 00:17:05,516 Well, I didn't get exactly what I ordered, but I think I did all right. 303 00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:10,312 We got him a microscope and a chemistry set 304 00:17:10,396 --> 00:17:14,441 and a five-thousand-piece puzzle of the Great Wall of China. 305 00:17:15,275 --> 00:17:17,402 Well, maybe he'll have fun with the boxes. 306 00:17:19,237 --> 00:17:20,321 Dad, here you go. 307 00:17:20,405 --> 00:17:23,283 This is the last box from the storeroom. 308 00:17:23,367 --> 00:17:25,076 -MARTIN: Great. -[NILES GROANS] 309 00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:27,619 Now is this what you were looking for? 310 00:17:27,703 --> 00:17:31,748 Oh, yeah! Santa's legs for the chimney. 311 00:17:31,832 --> 00:17:33,834 -You remember these babies? -FRASIER: Oh, yes, 312 00:17:33,918 --> 00:17:36,712 they inspired some spectacular Christmas nightmares 313 00:17:36,796 --> 00:17:38,646 the year I found them under your bed. 314 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:45,886 Frasier, isn't this the smoking jacket you gave Dad a few years back? 315 00:17:45,970 --> 00:17:47,930 What? Hey, what… 316 00:17:48,014 --> 00:17:49,557 Well, how'd that get in there? 317 00:17:51,433 --> 00:17:55,186 Dad, these are all the gifts I've given you for the last six years. 318 00:17:55,270 --> 00:17:57,188 Hey, come on now. Shut that… Put that… 319 00:17:57,272 --> 00:17:59,858 -Close the box up, will you? -Dad, look at this. 320 00:17:59,942 --> 00:18:02,277 They're still in the original box. They've never been worn. 321 00:18:02,361 --> 00:18:03,402 Sure, they have. 322 00:18:03,486 --> 00:18:05,636 Oh, yeah, this one still has the tags on it. 323 00:18:06,030 --> 00:18:09,366 Look, this isn't the kind of conversation we should be having on Christmas Eve. 324 00:18:09,450 --> 00:18:11,994 No, Dad? Well, what is it you want to say? 325 00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:17,332 Well, you know, Frasier, you're always giving people things that you think 326 00:18:17,416 --> 00:18:20,877 they should like instead of things that they really like. 327 00:18:20,961 --> 00:18:25,841 I mean, come on, in your entire life have you ever seen me wear anything like that? 328 00:18:26,717 --> 00:18:29,509 Well, no. I thought you might like a change. 329 00:18:29,593 --> 00:18:30,552 No. 330 00:18:30,636 --> 00:18:32,596 Well, it's like when you were a kid, remember? 331 00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:34,973 I wanted you to love baseball. 332 00:18:35,057 --> 00:18:38,143 I wanted to get you a bat and glove, everything, for Christmas. 333 00:18:38,227 --> 00:18:42,021 But you had your mind set on a microscope. So that's what I got you. 334 00:18:42,105 --> 00:18:44,315 And then when Dad took us to a game, you spent the whole time 335 00:18:44,399 --> 00:18:46,484 looking for rodent hairs in your hot dog. 336 00:18:53,949 --> 00:18:57,535 I'm just saying Christmas isn't a time that you go trying to mold somebody, 337 00:18:57,619 --> 00:18:59,704 which is what you're trying to do with Frederick. 338 00:18:59,788 --> 00:19:01,331 I think I know what's good for my own son. 339 00:19:01,415 --> 00:19:02,832 I brushed my teeth, Daddy. 340 00:19:02,916 --> 00:19:05,169 Oh, that's my boy. Come on. 341 00:19:06,127 --> 00:19:08,212 -Bonsoir, Uncle Niles. -[IN FRENCH] And to you too. 342 00:19:09,213 --> 00:19:11,173 Hey, you better get to sleep or Santa won't come. 343 00:19:11,257 --> 00:19:14,343 Okay. I know just what Santa's bringing me this year, Dad. 344 00:19:14,427 --> 00:19:15,803 I'll bet you don't. 345 00:19:17,430 --> 00:19:18,680 Yes, I do too. 346 00:19:18,764 --> 00:19:21,183 It's an Outlaw Laser Robo-Geek. 347 00:19:26,062 --> 00:19:27,772 What makes you think that? 348 00:19:27,856 --> 00:19:30,149 Because I asked Santa for it in my letter. 349 00:19:30,233 --> 00:19:32,693 They are so cool! 350 00:19:33,736 --> 00:19:36,238 Well, uh, listen Frederick. 351 00:19:36,322 --> 00:19:39,366 Yes, Frederick, where are you going? 352 00:19:39,450 --> 00:19:43,161 I'm gonna make myself go to sleep right away so the next thing I know, 353 00:19:43,245 --> 00:19:44,620 it'll be morning. 354 00:19:44,704 --> 00:19:46,872 -Good night, Daddy. -I'll come tuck you in in a minute. 355 00:19:46,956 --> 00:19:48,916 Good night, Grandpa. Good night, Uncle Niles. 356 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:50,543 -Good night. -Good night, Frederick. 357 00:19:50,627 --> 00:19:53,171 I'm going to go home and go to bed, too. 358 00:19:54,255 --> 00:19:56,256 I hope Aunt Maris comes out of her coma. 359 00:20:08,392 --> 00:20:11,592 He asked where she was. I thought the truth would just upset him. 360 00:20:13,981 --> 00:20:15,649 I'll see you in the morning. Merry Christmas. 361 00:20:15,733 --> 00:20:17,151 MARTIN: See you tomorrow. 362 00:20:19,195 --> 00:20:21,404 Well, this is turning out to be quite a Christmas. 363 00:20:21,488 --> 00:20:23,073 Oh, it's gonna be fine. 364 00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:25,951 I've done it again. 365 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:28,810 Gotten everybody the wrong gifts. 366 00:20:30,038 --> 00:20:31,164 What is it about me? 367 00:20:33,208 --> 00:20:35,459 Well, here, you may as well open your gift now. 368 00:20:35,543 --> 00:20:37,502 No reason for everybody to be disappointed tomorrow. 369 00:20:37,586 --> 00:20:39,672 Hey, I'm sure I'm gonna love it. 370 00:20:40,381 --> 00:20:42,842 I doubt it. This is not exactly my night. 371 00:20:46,386 --> 00:20:48,554 Hey, a robe. 372 00:20:48,638 --> 00:20:50,264 Great. I love it. 373 00:20:50,348 --> 00:20:51,640 Oh, no, you don't. 374 00:20:51,724 --> 00:20:54,519 It's not a robe. It's a dressing gown. 375 00:20:56,604 --> 00:20:58,521 Noel Coward would love it, but it's not you. 376 00:20:58,605 --> 00:21:00,774 Hey, I love Noel Coward. 377 00:21:01,483 --> 00:21:02,984 Dad, you're overcompensating. 378 00:21:03,068 --> 00:21:05,779 Oh, well, you know, some people are hard to buy for. 379 00:21:05,863 --> 00:21:07,030 I'm sorry. 380 00:21:07,114 --> 00:21:09,964 But, you know, you are, too. I never know what to get you. 381 00:21:10,409 --> 00:21:11,576 -Yeah. -Here. 382 00:21:13,035 --> 00:21:14,787 You might as well open this now. 383 00:21:18,291 --> 00:21:20,960 I guess it was easier when I was small. 384 00:21:22,003 --> 00:21:24,128 The kids always know what they want, don't they? 385 00:21:24,212 --> 00:21:26,256 Yeah, yeah, it's rough for adults. 386 00:21:32,512 --> 00:21:33,555 Oh, Dad. 387 00:21:34,222 --> 00:21:35,724 Merry Christmas, son. 388 00:21:38,350 --> 00:21:40,268 How did you know? It's just what I wanted… 389 00:21:40,352 --> 00:21:42,730 My very own Outlaw Laser Robo-Geek. 390 00:21:47,568 --> 00:21:48,651 Oh, Dad. 391 00:21:49,819 --> 00:21:52,196 Oh, oh, listen, are the batteries included? 392 00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:53,740 -In the box. -Oh, Dad! 393 00:21:59,662 --> 00:22:01,663 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 394 00:22:02,497 --> 00:22:05,129 ♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪ 395 00:22:05,213 --> 00:22:07,502 ♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪ 396 00:22:07,586 --> 00:22:08,879 Quite stylish. 397 00:22:09,338 --> 00:22:12,090 ♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪ 398 00:22:12,174 --> 00:22:14,383 ♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪ 399 00:22:14,467 --> 00:22:16,635 Ha, ha, ha, ha! 400 00:22:16,719 --> 00:22:18,178 ♪ But I don't know what to do ♪ 401 00:22:18,262 --> 00:22:21,724 ♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪ 402 00:22:23,309 --> 00:22:24,977 ♪ They're callin' again ♪ 403 00:22:26,311 --> 00:22:28,943 Scrambled eggs all over my face. 404 00:22:29,027 --> 00:22:30,857 What is a boy to do? 405 00:22:33,109 --> 00:22:35,362 Happy holidays, everybody!