[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
-Niles. -Hello.
Is it just me or are the sidewalk Santas getting pushy?
Well, tomorrow is Christmas.
I suppose they might be anticipating a certain down-turn after that.
Cappuccino, please.
So, when does Frederick arrive?
In six hours and 21 minutes, not that I'm the least bit excited.
Yes, I'm sure he's excited too. First Christmas at Daddy's.
I imagine he has visions of sugarplums dancing through his head.
No, Lilith doesn't allow sweets. He's probably got visions of bran.
Well, I've got my own reason to celebrate.
Maris and I may be together again by the new year.
-Oh, really, Niles? -Yes, yes, I called this morning
to arrange the delivery of her Christmas gifts.
And she said the only gift she'd accept from me was an abject apology.
Going to cave in to her, aren't you?
Au contraire.
I told her I was not about to apologize.
And from that point on, the respect in her voice came through loud and clear.
No small feat considering she was speaking at the time
through the hole in her massage table.
-Hello. -Hey, double espresso, please.
This last-minute Christmas shopping is killing me.
I never know what to give the men in my life.
Since when?
-Funny man. -Excuse me.
-I'll take care of this. -Oh, thank you, Niles.
So, what's new, Niles?
I have been keeping it under wraps, but…
Maris and I have separated.
Oh, my God! I had no idea!
I can't believe no one told me!
-This is such a surprise. -That's enough, Tallulah.
You're not fooling anyone.
I'm sorry, sir. Your card didn't clear.
-I have to do this. -But, wait!
What, what are you doing?
The computer said, "Credit canceled by order of co-signatory."
Maris has canceled your credit card.
Whoa, Merry Christmas!
Would you care to use a different one?
There's no point. They're all in her name.
I'm calling her right now and demanding the restoration of my credit cards
and my bank accounts…
And my phone service.
MAN [ON PHONE]: Doc, I'm at the airport,
and I'm having a lot of trouble getting on the plane.
Well, Bob, Bob, statistics prove that we're safer in the air than on the ground.
No, that… that's not it.
I'm supposed to be flying home to Newark for Christmas,
but the next gate over has a flight to Maui.
I'm telling you, it's calling me, Doc.
Well, why are you hesitant to go home?
Because it's the same thing every year.
I travel 3000 miles to sit down at the dinner table with my family,
and what do we talk about?
What's going on in our lives? No. Our hopes and dreams? No.
We talk about the turkey.
"Boy, that's quite a bird." "Twenty-four pounder."
"What time did you have to get up to put that in the oven, Ang?"
"Oh, boy, that's moist!
She must've been bastin' that bird all day!"
"Are those walnuts in the stuffing?"
"Oh, God! I forgot to put the rolls in the oven!"
I guess what I'm trying to say, Bob, is that we're all in the same gravy boat.
But you see, the important thing is that we spend time with our loved ones.
Just think how you'd feel if you woke up tomorrow morning 6000 miles away
from your home.
Well, you know, that really puts it in perspective, Doc.
-I got a plane to catch. -Malekaleke maka, Bob.
[DIAL TONE SOUNDS]
We'll be right back after these messages.
Oh, Roz, what'd they say? What'd they say?
Relax. Frederick's flight is still on time.
He'll be here in less than three hours.
And the florist called and you can pick up your wreath on the way home.
Oh, fabulous. You know, every year Dad puts that kitschy creature
with the red light bulb nose on the door.
Hey, great party! Best one ever, thanks to me.
I hired a stripper.
Doc, you will never guess what her name is.
Candy Cane.
What are the odds?
For those of you who've not yet sampled the punch, here is my capsule review:
vile bouquet, unwholesome color, ghastly taste and a kick that is simply heaven.
-Okay, 30 seconds, Frasier. -All right, out, out, out, please.
-Come on! -Hey, Roz, you know what's over my head?
Almost any clever remark?
-What did she mean by that? -Out!
Oh, listen, Roz, I know you got a plane to catch,
and the traffic to the airport is probably very bad,
so in the spirit of the Christmas season, why don't you just take off early, hmm?
You're going to read one of your inspirational Christmas fables again,
-aren't you? -Yes, I am.
Yeah.
It'll be a lot easier without you sticking your finger in your throat.
Right. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Roz.
-Say hi to Frederick. -Yes, and say hi to your mom for me.
-Will do. -Okay.
Hi, we're back.
As most of my faithful listeners know, every year I compose a parable
that I hope will illuminate the spirit of the Christmas season.
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
So, without any further ado, I give you the story of Olaf,
the Lonely Little Goatherd.
[GOATS BLEATING]
Once upon a time, long ago, there lived a lonely little goatherd.
He had no family and no playthings, so to amuse himself one day,
he carved a little wooden flute,
a flute which he used to play during the long, lonely evenings.
And the tune it made was very lovely,
and all the people in the village below could hear the pure glorious sounds.
This is all very amusing, but nothing you can do is going to distract me.
One day the son of a wealthy merchant heard the music.
And while that boy had all the toys in the world,
he was jealous of this little goatherd's flute.
So one dark night… [BLOWING] one dark, windy night,
the merchant's son stole his precious instrument.
But when he took that flute home, he couldn't make it play.
So he smashed the flute to bits.
And the little goatherd came down the mountain the next morning
and saw his flute was broken.
Yikes!
He might have said that, but instead he forgave the merchant's son.
And the wealthy merchant adopted the little goatherd and…
Oh, Mama!
…he said upon meeting the merchant's wife.
And somewhere along the way he learned the true meaning of Christmas.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you a truly blessed and forgiving holiday.
There, now you see, nice try.
Miss Cane's delightful performance aside,
this just proves that the power of my message cannot be stayed.
For God's sake, what am I, a robot?
And to all, a good night.
Oh.
Hi, Dad, uh…
Listen, I… I'm gonna put this wreath up here.
What's the matter with Rudolph?
Well, Dad, I just think that Christmas decorations
should be understated and tasteful.
Boy, I can't even have one thing that I want.
Dad, I'm sorry, but if I gave you one thing, God knows where it might lead.
[TRAIN HORN WHISTLING]
Oh, God!
My childhood Christmases all over again.
Only Mom isn't here to say, "Shut up, you'll hurt his feelings."
Aw, don't be such a Grinch.
SANTA: Ho, ho, ho…
It works when you step on the mat.
Ho, ho, ho…
It can say, "Ho-ho-ho," "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays."
Well, I hope it can say "Geronimo" 'cause I'm gonna throw him off the balcony.
Well, I don't care what you think. It's not for you. It's for Frederick.
Well, I suppose you're right, Dad. I used to love that stuff when I was 6.
By the time I was 7, I started to have questions.
When I was eight, I started spending a lot more time with the Bernsteins.
-Well, I'm off to Joe's parents' house. -See you've been busy in the kitchen.
Yeah, I'm bringing Grammy Moon's famous plum duff.
Oh, it's a still flour pudding boiled in a cloth bag.
Who gets to lick the bag?
Oh, you see, Grammy Moon had a secret ingredient.
She'd soak it for hours in rum, then ignite it in a blinding flash.
As soon as she came out of the kitchen with no eyebrows,
we knew dessert was ready.
To this day, the smell of burning hair puts me in the holiday spirit.
-Bye. Merry Christmas. -FRASIER: Bye. Merry Christmas.
Someone's gonna have to go back down to the storeroom.
-There's still something missing. -You must be kidding, Dad.
My God, this place couldn't look any more ludicrous.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Once I saw how those white hairs on his chin looked like a beard,
the rest of the idea just fell into place.
-Niles! -Hello, Frasier.
I know, I know, shut up, we'll hurt his feelings.
So, Niles, did you have a discussion with Maris?
No, but I had an epiphany.
I realized cutting off my funds is Maris' way of saying I love you.
She always uses money to get what she wants.
Ergo, this is proof she wants me back. What do you think?
SANTA: Ho, ho, ho…
I think Santa said it all for us.
Dad, you have to get out more.
You've started doing old lady things.
It's for Frederick.
Oh, of course it is.
Oh, that reminds me, I don't want to impose,
but may I ride with you to the airport to pick up Frederick?
Of course you may, Niles. I just have to wrap up his presents first.
-Wonderful. -So what'd you get Freddie?
Well, actually, Dad, I ordered from the toy catalog
from the special section called "Gifts for the Gifted."
I got him the Junior Astronomer set and the Geology Lab.
Oh, and I got a fabulous thing, the Living Brain.
You get to paint each lobe a different color
and then you stuff it inside the Living Skull.
MARTIN: Hey, you know what kids really like?
They've been advertising it like crazy on TV. It's great!
The Outlaw Laser Robo-Geek.
Its head lights up and it shoots death rays out of its eyes.
Yeah, a little like that.
Listen, Dad, I think I know what Frederick likes.
He's precocious. He needs to be challenged.
Oh, challenge him the other 364 days.
One day out of the year indulge him. Let him be a kid.
Look, Dad, I'm sorry. If Frederick's anything like me,
the kind of toys he'll like to play with are…
A kitchen set, a doll house and three kinds of Barbies.
Oh, my God!
This is for a Franklin Crane from Kennebunkport.
Oh, God, do you realize what this means?
Yes. The Cranes of Maine have got your Living Brain.
No.
It means I don't have anything for Freddie.
God, I wanted everything to be so perfect. Now he's gonna have a horrible Christmas.
Hey, listen, it's okay. There's a big toy store in the mall.
They're open late tonight. Just don't worry about it.
Well, that's easy for you to say, Dad. My God, it's Christmas Eve.
The gifts I ordered are 3000 miles away, my son is due in an hour,
and on top of it all, I have to go to a mall.
SANTA: Ho, ho, ho…
Oh, don't look at me. He said it.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Niles, the customers are marauding through here like a pack of feral dogs.
Did you see that woman?
She practically knocked me over on the way to the escalator!
Oh, how about that woman near the cosmetics counter who tried to mace me?
That was a cologne sample, Niles. That's what they do.
Come on, Niles, we've got five minutes.
-We've gotta find a sales clerk. -Oh, well, good luck.
Well then, we'll have to find something ourselves, I guess.
Well, hey, hey, this looks amusing.
No, Niles, please, may I remind you we're looking for something educational?
Oh, oh, oh, it has buttons.
What's it doing?
It's flashing.
Niles, please, remember that Freddie tested in the highest percentile
for cognitive skills and deductive reasoning.
-What's it doing now? -[BEEPING]
It's beeping, for God's sake.
And as much as I would like to inflict this on Lilith,
I'm looking for fast and educational, all right?
-I wonder what else it does. -Let's see if it protects your head.
Here's something. Wait, wait!
-Look at this! Look at this! -Oh, God!
It's called "Ecto-Goo."
Oh, well, that sounds vaguely scientific.
But what could he possibly learn from that?
For starters, he can learn never to wear Armani to a toy store.
Let's see if I can remember what I ordered from the catalog and look for that.
First, the Living Brain.
Living Brain?
-FRASIER: Yes. -What kind of dork wants that?
With any luck the kind of dork who'll be operating on your prostate someday.
Frasier, Frasier, Frasier, look, look, there it is!
It's on the shelf! It's up on that shelf!
Oh, Lord, it's covered with dust.
The brain is dusty. Could there be a clearer metaphor?
Oh, no, there's nothing in it.
-Can I have it? -Well, it's an empty box, ma'am.
I know, but I can put my son's Robo-Geek in it.
You know how scared he'll be when he thinks he's getting something this nerdy?
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, God, this is hopeless. We'll never find anything for Frederick.
Oh, Frasier, just give him a check.
Niles, you can't give a check to a child.
That's what I'm giving him.
It has a stagecoach on it.
Niles, Maris canceled your account.
Damn!
Oh, look at that man's bag.
"Young Minds." Sir, excuse me, is this store in the mall?
-Yeah. -And it's educational toys?
Mm-hm. Nothing but. It's just a couple of doors down.
Yes! Virginia, there is a Santa Claus!
No, they closed a half hour ago.
Damn! Damn it!
Look, this is perfect. It's a chemistry lab and a picture puzzle and…
My son comes in in a half an hour, and I have absolutely nothing for him.
He'll be in in 22 minutes if he picks up a good tail wind.
You, uh… you really need this stuff bad, don't you?
Oh, you have no idea. It would save my life.
I'll tell you what, seeing as how it's Christmas…
Oh, God bless you, sir.
A thousand bucks.
-What? A thousand bucks? -Hey, take it or leave it.
Well, I mean, it's just no more than a hundred dollars' worth of things here.
Ladies and gentlemen, we're beginning our descent into the Seattle Airport.
-I'm just trying to do you a favor here. -Well, it's some favor.
Please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are
-in their fully upright positions. -Shut up, Niles!
All right, all right, let's see what I've got here.
All right, look, I've got, uh… Here's three hundred dollars.
Would you accept a personal check for the rest?
-Hey, it's Christmas. -Oh, bless you.
Bless you so much. Very well, thank you.
Niles, give the man a check.
-Where's Freddie? -Putting on his pajamas.
He'll come in and say good night after he brushes his teeth.
So, how'd you do?
Well, I didn't get exactly what I ordered, but I think I did all right.
We got him a microscope and a chemistry set
and a five-thousand-piece puzzle of the Great Wall of China.
Well, maybe he'll have fun with the boxes.
Dad, here you go.
This is the last box from the storeroom.
-MARTIN: Great. -[NILES GROANS]
Now is this what you were looking for?
Oh, yeah! Santa's legs for the chimney.
-You remember these babies? -FRASIER: Oh, yes,
they inspired some spectacular Christmas nightmares
the year I found them under your bed.
Frasier, isn't this the smoking jacket you gave Dad a few years back?
What? Hey, what…
Well, how'd that get in there?
Dad, these are all the gifts I've given you for the last six years.
Hey, come on now. Shut that… Put that…
-Close the box up, will you? -Dad, look at this.
They're still in the original box. They've never been worn.
Sure, they have.
Oh, yeah, this one still has the tags on it.
Look, this isn't the kind of conversation we should be having on Christmas Eve.
No, Dad? Well, what is it you want to say?
Well, you know, Frasier, you're always giving people things that you think
they should like instead of things that they really like.
I mean, come on, in your entire life have you ever seen me wear anything like that?
Well, no. I thought you might like a change.
No.
Well, it's like when you were a kid, remember?
I wanted you to love baseball.
I wanted to get you a bat and glove, everything, for Christmas.
But you had your mind set on a microscope. So that's what I got you.
And then when Dad took us to a game, you spent the whole time
looking for rodent hairs in your hot dog.
I'm just saying Christmas isn't a time that you go trying to mold somebody,
which is what you're trying to do with Frederick.
I think I know what's good for my own son.
I brushed my teeth, Daddy.
Oh, that's my boy. Come on.
-Bonsoir, Uncle Niles. -[IN FRENCH] And to you too.
Hey, you better get to sleep or Santa won't come.
Okay. I know just what Santa's bringing me this year, Dad.
I'll bet you don't.
Yes, I do too.
It's an Outlaw Laser Robo-Geek.
What makes you think that?
Because I asked Santa for it in my letter.
They are so cool!
Well, uh, listen Frederick.
Yes, Frederick, where are you going?
I'm gonna make myself go to sleep right away so the next thing I know,
it'll be morning.
-Good night, Daddy. -I'll come tuck you in in a minute.
Good night, Grandpa. Good night, Uncle Niles.
-Good night. -Good night, Frederick.
I'm going to go home and go to bed, too.
I hope Aunt Maris comes out of her coma.
He asked where she was. I thought the truth would just upset him.
I'll see you in the morning. Merry Christmas.
MARTIN: See you tomorrow.
Well, this is turning out to be quite a Christmas.
Oh, it's gonna be fine.
I've done it again.
Gotten everybody the wrong gifts.
What is it about me?
Well, here, you may as well open your gift now.
No reason for everybody to be disappointed tomorrow.
Hey, I'm sure I'm gonna love it.
I doubt it. This is not exactly my night.
Hey, a robe.
Great. I love it.
Oh, no, you don't.
It's not a robe. It's a dressing gown.
Noel Coward would love it, but it's not you.
Hey, I love Noel Coward.
Dad, you're overcompensating.
Oh, well, you know, some people are hard to buy for.
I'm sorry.
But, you know, you are, too. I never know what to get you.
-Yeah. -Here.
You might as well open this now.
I guess it was easier when I was small.
The kids always know what they want, don't they?
Yeah, yeah, it's rough for adults.
Oh, Dad.
Merry Christmas, son.
How did you know? It's just what I wanted…
My very own Outlaw Laser Robo-Geek.
Oh, Dad.
Oh, oh, listen, are the batteries included?
-In the box. -Oh, Dad!
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Quite stylish.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Happy holidays, everybody!