WOMAN [ON PHONE]: Um, you see, Dr. Crane, there's a man I'd like to go out with.
But he's 40 years old and he's never been married.
Do you think that means something?
Well, it could mean he has a fear of commitment,
or it could mean he's just been lucky. [CHUCKLES]
Marie, that was a joke.
Did I mention I'm calling from a payphone?
Oh, well, all right, Marie. Um…
I would say give him a shot, but I'd keep that caution bulb lit.
Thank you for your call, Marie.
Who's next, Roz?
If you ask me, it's divorced people you have to watch out for.
If someone's never been married, it might just mean they're a careful shopper,
whereas your divorcee will bite into any old piece of fruit
without even giving it a squeeze first.
The preceding was an unbiased opinion from my never-been-married producer Roz,
who, incidentally, has squeezed more fruit than Tropicana.
May we take another call, please?
We could, but it's time for a station break.
Oh, oh, well, then, we'll be right back after this.
-Roz, didn't we just take a break? -The lot was full this morning.
I had to park at a meter. I'll be right back.
All right. Fine. Just hurry.
Do I have headphone hair?
Well, I may have to flirt my way out of a parking ticket.
-Just go! -Okay! Okay!
Wow!
[ROZ SHOUTING]
-Ow, ow, ow. -FRASIER: Are you all right?
I got the wind knocked out of me, but I guess I'm okay.
Ow, my ankle!
-FRASIER: Here, Roz, does this hurt? -[YELLS]
All right. There's no nerve damage, at least.
Still, she ought to have an X-ray.
-Easy, now, Roz. -Frasier, Frasier, the show.
I'll get someone to fill in for you.
-I mean right now. You've got dead air. -Oh, God…
[SHOUTING]
Take the shoe off.
[GROANING]
-Oh, dear. -What is it?
I see it's been a while since our last pedicure.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
-Who is it? -It's Frasier.
It's open.
Hi, Roz. How were things at the emergency room?
Frustrating.
You know how it is.
You're sitting there in complete agony
and every crybaby with a gunshot wound waltzes right in ahead of you.
How was it after I left?
It was okay. Weird Bruce from Engineering took over for you.
That's quite a boot collection.
Wouldn't it be easier just to put notches in your bedpost?
Those are mine.
You hate the way I've decorated, don't you?
No, no, matter of fact, I admire your courage.
-Is that for me? -Oh, yes.
Freud said that there are only two things we need to make us happy,
work and love.
Oh, thanks, Frasier.
So you brought me work.
Well, I thought answering some of the fan mail
that had been piling up would give you something to do.
And remember this time, death threats don't get photos.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Who is it?
-It's Bulldog! -Shh. Pretend we're not here.
Roz, you just said, "Who is it?"
-Hey, Doc. -Hey, Dog!
Hey, Roz. Wow!
The whole place is a bedroom. [BARKS]
What are you doing here?
Well, I kind of feel responsible for you being on the disabled list,
so I brought you some deli.
Nothing says "I'm sorry" like fatty meat.
We got your pastrami, coleslaw…
Okay, where's the French fries?
I ordered French fries. This stinks!
This is total BS!
Dave Vermoyan's gonna…
Oh, here they are.
And to think he does it all without steroids.
-You want me to stick these in the oven? -Actually, I'm not really very hungry.
Ah. Then I guess you're not thirsty either.
Glasses are on the top shelf.
None for me, Bulldog. I'm off to the opera.
You can't leave!
Hey, no ice cubes.
Just chip whatever you can off the edge of the freezer.
If you leave me, he'll hit on me.
-Roz, with a sprained ankle? -You know what it's like in the jungle.
They always go after the sick and the lame.
[POUNDING IN KITCHEN]
Roz, I'd like to stay, but I'm meeting people at the opera.
I've got the tickets.
BULLDOG: Here we go.
I'll get you more ice in a minute when the feeling in my forehead comes back.
Well, curtain's going up.
Listen, Roz, if you need anything, feel free to call me absolutely any time.
Well, except for the next three hours, of course.
I'm at the opera.
Oh, no, no, no, four hours. It's Wagner. Um…
Oh, then I've got a late supper and then right to bed.
I've got an early squash game.
Tell you what, let's just say call me
absolutely any time after 4 tomorrow afternoon.
Hey, this is nice.
You and me having a drink together.
Yeah, it's been fun.
Bye.
How come you only painted two toenails?
[SIGHS] Because it hurts too much when I reach.
You want me to finish them for you?
Oh, no, please. It's okay.
Hey, it's a nice color.
-It goes with the bruise. -No, Bulldog, I mean it.
-Stop it! -Hey, you got nice feet.
-Really? You don't think they're too big? -You kidding?
I could get this whole thing in my mouth easy.
You know, it's really nice of you to do all this for me.
It's kind of surreal, but nice.
Well, I figure if I'm nice to you,
maybe you'll be nice to me.
I knew it! I knew it!
You come over here acting all sympathetic, but you're still the same old horny,
low-class slimeball you've always been!
Before you say something that ends up offending me
look, all I wanted to ask you is if…
You'd be interested in producing my show.
What?
Yeah, I'm not real crazy about the guy I got now and let's face it,
you're the best producer there is.
-Do you really think I'm the best? -Hey, that goes without saying.
Well, Frasier goes without saying it every day.
Well, you don't have to answer right now. Just take your time and think about it.
But I gotta warn you,
when I set my mind on something, I get it.
I once wanted to interview George Foreman.
He said no, but I got him.
I had to paint his toenails four times, but I got him.
You've been wrapping your bandage too tight.
You've got to keep the blood flowing to the injured ligaments.
Daphne, that feels great.
Whatever Frasier's paying you, it's not enough.
Actually, I'd need a raise to get me to "not enough."
-Hey, Roz. -Hey, Martin, what's going on?
Oh, Niles bought me some new shoes.
Oh, yes, look.
They have tassels.
Aren't they exquisite?
Those shoes were individually handmade
by an artisan toiling in a hilltop village above Florence.
The man is a hero there.
It's an event when he completes a pair of shoes.
They ring the cathedral bell and the whole town celebrates.
There's a town that needs a bowling alley.
Good evening, all.
-NILES: Hello. -Hey, Frasier.
Oh, Roz, Roz, did you hear the show today?
I was at the top of my form!
I did a brilliant job of cutting a narcissist down to size.
Well, thank you, Niles.
So… Oh, Dad, new shoes?
Do I hear cathedral bells?
Ring-a-ding-ding!
Oh, Roz, I also wanted to apologize for leaving you last night.
Hope you didn't spend the whole evening fending off Bulldog's advances.
Oh, no, Bulldog's not so bad.
Actually, we had a good time.
Oh?
What "Oh?"
Well, I couldn't help noticing he came into work this morning
wearing the same clothes he had on yesterday.
Oh?
What's going on?
Roz slept with Bulldog last night.
I did not!
How could you think that?
Well, I mean, dropping by, bringing you a little gift.
It was obvious he was after something.
DAPHNE: Well, that's not fair.
Dr. Crane is always dropping by and bringing me little gifts,
and he's not after anything.
I did not sleep with Bulldog.
He didn't even hit on me.
He did want something, though.
He wanted me to leave you and come be his new producer.
Oh, well, I wonder why he said that.
[CHUCKLING]
Because he really wants me.
Yes, well, I think that goes without saying.
For his show.
Oh, Roz, Bulldog knows the blunt approach won't work with you,
so he's being more subtle. But his ultimate goal remains to…
-Well, to… -To what?
To play Aneas to your Dido.
I'm sorry you had to hear that, Daphne.
Oh, that's all right.
As usual, I haven't the foggiest idea what you're talking about.
ROZ: You know, this is so insulting.
You think Bulldog wants me to come work for him
because he wants to get me into his bed.
It doesn't even occur to you that he thinks I'm a good producer.
Roz, don't you think you're being just a tad naive?
I'll tell you what naive is.
Naive is someone who thinks he can stand there
and talk to me like that without getting a crutch up his butt!
Roz, I can see how he's manipulating you.
-I'm an expert in human behavior. -Oh, really?
Excuse me. I've heard your expert advice.
The only mental disorder you've ever cured is insomnia.
Well, I'm surprised you had time to listen.
What with being so busy with your ultra-demanding producer tasks,
answering phones and pushing buttons.
My God, a cockatoo with a strong beak could do what you do!
Then hire one, because I'm taking the job with Bulldog.
That's it. I am out of here!
[GRUNTING]
Take a picture, 'cause I'm out of your life.
You have seen the last of me!
Sayonara!
Oh, damn, my purse.
Well, Bruce, I see we're loaded with callers here.
What line is next?
What's your favorite number?
Three.
[DIAL TONE]
Damn.
What's your other favorite number?
Why don't you just let me handle this?
Hello, you're on the line with Frasier Crane.
I'm listening.
WOMAN: Hi, Dr. Crane.
My name is Francesca and I'm calling about my boyfriend.
Well, he says he loves me, but I just can't get over this fear
that I'm going to come home one day and he's not gonna be there.
I don't know.
It probably stems from my childhood when my father left us.
Oh, Francesca,
you are suffering from a fear of abandonment,
but trust me, I am here for you.
Thank you, Dr. Crane.
I'm always so afraid that people I count on will just disappear
and I'll be left with…
[DIAL TONE]
Sorry.
Francesca, please, we had a little technical glitch there.
We were almost out of time anyway. Please, if you'll call in tomorrow,
I'll make sure you're the first order of business.
Please call.
Well, we're just about wrapped up here, folks.
I'll see you tomorrow, Seattle.
Good show, Dr. Crane.
You think so, Bruce?
Yeah.
Well, call me old-fashioned, but when my show starts out with a screeching noise
that could shatter crystal, then moves on to an open mike
while I'm eating a bag of potato chips, then disconnects two manic depressives
and a woman with a fear of abandonment,
I don't think it's a show we should be mailing off to the Smithsonian!
Don't worry, man.
You'll do better tomorrow.
Okay, it's gonna be a great show, Roz. I can feel it.
Yeah, I'm psyched. You got about a minute till showtime.
-Hello, Roz. -Hello, Frasier.
Hey, Doc, long week, no see.
Hope you haven't been avoiding me because I stole your chick.
Oh, no. Bruce and I are getting along splendidly.
Yeah, I heard Bruce.
What happened? The cockatoo want too much money?
Bye, Roz.
So long, Frasier.
Oh, a moment, Frasier, please.
I'm sure word has reached your ear already about the "frutti di mare" party
I'm throwing to celebrate our fair city's great bounty from the sea.
-Yes, yes, I'd love to come. -Well, aye, there's the rub.
You see, I've already invited Roz.
With this rift between you two,
well, the tension in the air will be thicker than my cioppino.
Now, Gil, I'm sure that rift will soon be over.
Before long, Bulldog will prove
that all he's wanted all along was just to get his hands on Roz.
In fact, that moment may have arrived. Look, she's bending over.
Turn around, Bulldog.
GIL: Oh, yes, isn't that what golfers refer to as "teeing it up"?
FRASIER: All right, he moves in!
And he… helps pick up the papers!
Oh, I'm so sorry, Frasier.
I, too, entertain hopes for low comedy.
Attention, sports fans!
You're back in the Doghouse with Bulldog Briscoe! [BARKS]
[MEOWS]
Let's talk football.
Sunday's lock, Broncos over the Raiders, easy money, huh, Roz?
Yeah, right, and men just wanna cuddle.
LA humiliated Denver last month.
Hey, do I tell you how to cook and clean?
Denver's due. It's a complete no-brainer.
Well, then it's right up your alley!
[HONKS]
You know, I'm no sports fan, but they really are quite delicious together.
Yes, well, enjoy it while you can.
Bulldog can't keep his libido in check forever.
Well, of course you're right. And then Roz will come crawling back to you.
Yes.
In the meantime I have to find someone halfway competent to produce my show.
How hard could that be?
♪ They call me Mr. Pitiful ♪
♪ Baby, that's my name ♪
♪ They call me Mr. Pitiful ♪
♪ That's how I got my fame ♪
♪ But nobody seems to understand, now ♪
♪ What makes a man feel so blue ♪
♪ Oh, they call me Mr. Pitiful ♪
♪ 'Cause I lost someone just like you ♪
♪ They call me Mr. Pitiful ♪
♪ Yes, everybody knows now ♪
♪ They call me Mr. Pitiful ♪
♪ Most everyplace I go now ♪
♪ But nobody seems to understand, now ♪
NILES: You think you had a bad week?
This morning Maris and I woke to the sound of our gardener Yoshi
hacking his way through our prize topiary.
Niles, I've never understood why you wanted your hedges to be sculpted
into the shapes of animals.
Well, we're both animal lovers, but Maris is unable to have pets.
She distrusts anything that loves her unconditionally.
Anyway, there was Yoshi,
drunk as a lord,
swinging his hedge trimmer recklessly over his head.
Before we could calm him,
he had transformed Maris' prize stallion into some sort of obscene go at boy.
The poor woman is inconsolable.
Well, thank you, Niles.
You've been a great deal of help.
There are worse things than seeing one's career go down the toilet.
I could have my hedges cut into unattractive shapes.
It's always about you, isn't it?
Well, I'm sorry, but I'm just the slightest bit panicky
that I'm never gonna get Roz back.
I've been waiting for weeks for Bulldog to make his move,
and against all natural laws, he hasn't.
DAPHNE: Come along.
Oh, hello.
I thought we might run into you two here.
Yeah, Daphne and I've been out buying shoes.
Oh, not that I don't appreciate the ones that you bought me,
but I thought I'd save those for special occasions when only tassels'll do.
Hey, get a load of these.
They light up when I walk away.
Doesn't everyone?
Well, I see Mr. Congeniality here is still spreading sunshine wherever he goes.
Apparently things didn't go very well on his show today.
Oh, really?
Well, you know, these things go in cycles.
I mean, take Bulldog's show.
He's just had one great show after another lately.
FRASIER: Hmm.
What could be your point, Dad? I'm having trouble reading between the lines.
If you weren't so damn stubborn, you'd apologize to Roz,
get her back on the show and everybody'd be happy.
As usual, you're overlooking a key psychological component
in this whole issue.
-You'd have to admit you were wrong. -Exactly!
I don't see what's so hard about telling Roz you were wrong.
You don't understand. You see, it's not the same as Dad being wrong
or your being wrong.
I have a degree from Harvard. Whenever I'm wrong,
the world makes a little less sense.
Frankly, I don't understand why you want her back at all.
She's pushy and opinionated.
Niles, don't you think you're being just the slightest bit sexist?
What's labelled "pushy" in a woman is called assertiveness in a man.
Gone are the days when women were shunted aside
to bat their eyelashes prettily and say nothing.
-I quite agree. -Oh, Daphne, please. I can handle this.
Well, you've certainly handled it well enough so far.
If you ask me, it's time you get off your high horse,
buy Roz some flowers and beg her forgiveness.
And don't be afraid to get your knees a little dusty.
Well, I'm sorry. I'm just not quite ready to swallow my pride.
Next time, wake me when the show's over.
BULLDOG: All right, Wednesday we got the NFL picks.
Then at the end of the show, we do the Boner of the Week.
No, can't do that.
This is why I hate you.
You are always trying to change my tried and true format. Okay, why can't we do it?
Because I got you an interview with Wayne Gretzky.
-See… Wayne Gretzky? -Mm-hm.
Wayne Gretzky!
This is awesome!
This is total brilliance!
This is… A pinched nerve. [GROANS]
[GROANING]
It's an old football injury.
I got my head rammed into a locker when I tried to interview Mike Ditka.
Here, let me help you with that.
[GRUNTS]
This is great. I can't believe it.
Wayne Gretzky, the Great One.
[GRUNTS] Roz, you are the great one.
You are some kind of producer.
Thanks.
I'm having a great time.
I owe you, Bulldog.
I owe you big.
You know, I never would've thought this a couple of weeks ago,
but you and I have great chemistry together, don't we?
Uh-huh. I like chemistry.
I flunked it, but I like it.
You got any of that, uh, Wild Turkey left?
Yeah, sure.
You know, I gotta be honest with you, Bulldog.
When we first started working together,
I never thought it would turn out like this.
Did you?
All along.
Hey, uh, Roz…
You, uh, better make mine a double. I'm a double kind of guy.
Uh-uh. You're only gonna get a little.
There's a lot I wanna do tonight, and I want you to keep up with me.
Yeah, well, uh…
All I ask is you give me a couple of 20-minute breaks.
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
What's that?
I, uh…
I thought a little music might be, uh… Might be nice.
Can you concentrate with that on?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Actually, uh, I find the distraction healthy.
No, second date. Don't be pushy.
This is great, Roz.
Us working like this.
Hey, uh, did you and the doc ever end up working…
What?
Did you and the doc ever, uh, end up working like this?
Oh, yeah, we tried it once, but he complained I talked too much.
Oh, yeah?
I would've figured you for a screamer.
[SCREAMS]
What the hell are you doing in my bed?
Get out! Get out!
I asked you over here to work, you disgusting pervert!
Hey, hey, hey!
You're gonna have to slow down!
I'm getting some mixed signals here.
BULLDOG: What are you doing?
Is this clear enough for you?
Hey, are you crazy?
My wallet's in there!
Get out. Now!
Get out of my way, Doc!
[GROANS]
I'm listening.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Quite stylish.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused
♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Thank you!