[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
WOMAN [ON PHONE]: It's not that I don't like him, Dr. Crane.
It's just that he's gotten so attached. I mean, roses every day after two dates?
Maggie, first thing you have to do is sit Gavin down
for a nice long conversation.
In a frank and honest discussion,
tell him that though he wants to go at one speed,
you need to go at another.
Tell him you're not rejecting him, that you are fond of him,
but if he doesn't give you some breathing room…
I wonder what Roz, my non-PhD-holding producer, thinks you should do.
Any guy who's that clingy after two dates has a major insecurity problem.
I say dump him. Now.
And don't look back.
It's so good to hear that, Roz.
That's what I wanted to do, but I felt so guilty.
Thanks so much. Bye.
[DIAL TONE HUMS]
And that takes us to commercial.
This, for those who have forgotten, is The Dr. Frasier Crane Show.
-Here's your new parking pass. -Mm-hm.
I confirmed your dinner reservations for 3.
At your father's request, you'll be dining at Chez Shrimp.
Here are two letters that you gotta sign: a card for Clarence, the guard,
that we're all signing
and a notice about sign-ups for the KACL bowling team that I'll file in the trash.
Oh, wonderful.
Another card.
I, as resident wit here, will have to think of something clever to say.
At least I've got another gala KACL birthday bash to look forward to.
I can just taste that frozen Sara Lee cake now
and hear the wild applause
as a full-grown adult snuffs out a handful of tiny candles.
What are you grousing about?
Oh, nothing, nothing.
[UPBEAT TUNE PLAYING ON CARD]
Yes, the pageantry never stops.
MARTIN: Mr. Fancy-Pants.
He's gotta buy a German car.
It's not my fault we broke down.
If you'd bought American, they wouldn't have to tow your car
halfway across the state to get it fixed.
That's why I always buy American.
You break down, you just drive to the nearest garage.
I could break down all alone in the middle of Alaska.
A thought to raise all our spirits.
This traffic is murder.
I'd suggest we walk home,
but I'm afraid what the humidity will do to these loafers.
Does calfskin pucker?
Yes, Niles, that's why on humid farms,
the calf is the most made-fun-of of all the animals.
There's no point in being snide.
We'll be here for a while.
Might as well try and make pleasant conversation.
We are a family. It shouldn't be that hard.
So you been driving long?
Not really.
Bet you got good stories, though.
Ever hear of a woman having a baby in a cab?
-Oh. It's a classic. -We've all heard that one.
-That happen in this cab? -No. I think it's about to.
-You're pregnant? -Yes. Ow!
Don't panic, miss. It may be false labor.
My water just broke. [GASPS] I'm in a puddle of water.
Calfskin! Calfskin!
-The closest hospital is First Methodist. -We'll never make it.
Miss, you'd better pull over.
-Try to park facing downhill. -Niles!
I can't have my baby here.
There's no need to be concerned.
You are in the presence of two trained medical professionals.
Niles, help the woman.
-DRIVER: Hurry! -I know. I know.
-[SCREAMS] -[BOTH SHOUTING]
FRASIER: Other door! The other door!
Oh, for goodness' sake.
Hello, is anybody there? Come in.
Now, the most important thing you can do is breathe deeply. Do as I do.
-Hee, hoo, hee, hoo… -Hoo, hee, hoo…
Do you feel faint or short of breath?
Yes, both of those.
[NILES, DRIVER BREATHING DEEPLY]
DISPATCHER [OVER RADIO]: Hello? Go ahead.
Yeah, I'm calling from Cab Number 804.
This is an emergency.
Your driver, Arleen, just went into labor.
We're at the corner of 14th and Sycamore.
-We need an ambulance now. Do you hear me? -Yes, I'll get right on it.
-Aah! It hurts. -It's natural.
-No, you're squeezing my hand! -Oh.
-Get a hold of yourself, Niles! -I only did this once, in medical school.
All I remember is a bright light and lots of blood,
then a linoleum floor hurtling toward my forehead.
You fainted?
Oh, switch places with me and see how you do.
FRASIER: Good God, Niles. That's it.
I'll do this.
-Get… -NILES: Moving.
The baby's really coming now. I feel it.
When he does come, I'll catch him.
Just continue with your breathing.
Don't feel guilty for having your baby in a cab.
There's nothing to be ashamed of.
Many great Americans have been born this way.
Cab Calloway comes to mind.
My particular area of medicine is psychiatry.
I specialize in the head, not the lower body.
It's less messy that way.
Not that your lower portion is messy.
It's quite beautiful.
-Not that I'm looking! -[SCREAMS]
-Is the pain that bad? -No, you're driving me crazy!
Don't drive her crazy.
-MARTIN: Move it out, come on. -FRASIER: All right.
-You a doctor too? -No, a retired cop.
Well, what took you so long?
It's really hurting.
Everything's gonna be just fine.
I've delivered more than a few babies, and some are older than you are now.
Frasier will hold your hand and help with your breathing,
and Niles will look out for an ambulance,
and I'll get ready to bring your beautiful baby into this world.
-Okay? -Okay.
Are there any questions?
Should our meter still be running?
[SCREAMS]
DAPHNE: Hello?
Are you back yet?
[DOOR OPENS]
Well, go on, turn your heads.
Okay.
So I guess you've had some excitement tonight.
No, I haven't.
Your father made it sound exciting on the phone,
delivering a baby in a taxi.
Oh, that. I don't think of that as excitement
as much as my duty to use those skills I honed in medical school.
Yes, Niles ran to a falafel stand for a pot of hot water.
I can't get over that feeling of being there when a person's life begins.
One minute, it's this blob in some lady's stomach,
next minute, it's a person.
Blob… [SNAPS FINGERS] …person.
The miracle of birth summed up in one poetic phrase.
I bet you have fond memories of when your son was born.
Oh, yes, of course.
I remember the first time I held him in my arms as a newborn,
it was as if everything else in the universe simply melted away.
There was just a father, a son,
and the distant sound of Lilith saying,
"If you come near me again, Frasier, I'll drop you with a deer rifle."
At least nowadays fathers get to see their sons be born.
In my day, they stuck us in the waiting room,
smoking cigarettes and reading LIFE magazine.
I can still remember the article I was reading when Niles was born.
-It was about Mickey Mantle. -Oh.
Talk about life setting you up for a fall.
-It's been a long night. I'm turning in. -Night, Dad.
I can't wait to see what dreams I have after all this talk about childbearing.
Probably that one where me mother says,
"Daphne, you're 50 and you've never given me grandchildren."
So I say, "That was my choice. I was thinking of my career."
"Oh, sure. But did you ever think of me?"
"Mother, I don't want to start this again. Just drop it."
"Oh, but will she drop it?" "Oh, shut up, Mother!"
"Don't you take that tone of voice with me. You're blaming…"
I wonder how many more people she's got in there.
-Sherry, Niles? -Uh, no, thank you.
You seem awfully reflective. Something on your mind?
NILES: Actually, yes.
For months, I've noticed my thoughts drifting to the same subject:
Will I ever be a father?
-Ah. -There are pros and cons.
But watching that child's birth, I realized it's something I really want.
I think.
It's natural to have parental stirrings at your age.
No, no. This is more than stirrings. I wake up nights thinking about it.
-Have you talked this over with Maris? -Not yet.
I like to know what I want before Maris tells me.
I'm just not sure I'm really ready for fatherhood.
Niles, no one is ever sure.
In schools these days, teenagers who are thinking about becoming parents
are given a sack of flour
to keep for a week as though it were a baby.
You're kidding.
No. They hold it, they care for it, never let it out of their sight.
It gives them a good idea of the responsibility of being a parent.
Hmm. Very clever. What could be better than hands-on experience?
Might be worth a try.
-I wasn't suggesting… -Why not?
This is the perfect week. Maris is away. I'm desperate to resolve the issue.
Where do you keep the flour?
-In the kitchen. -In the kitchen.
The cabinet next to the sink.
Yes, here it is.
"Extra-refined."
It's taking after its old man already.
No, Niles, that's the sugar.
If we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it right.
Now, here is the flour.
Hmm. "Bleached, 100% fat-free, best when kept in an airtight container."
Seems this one's taking after its mother.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
-Hello, Niles. -Hello. May I join you?
Or should I say, "May we?"
Mais oui.
I see you're still continuing with our little baby experiment.
Yes. And it's been quite a learning experience.
[GRUNTS] Not easy, though.
I take him everywhere,
get up for 2 a.m. feedings, the whole exhausting nine yards.
What a beautiful baby.
-How old is he? -Eight weeks.
-Oh. Great age, isn't it? -Mm-hm.
-FRASIER: Niles? -Mm-hm?
I can't help noticing that your child has a little boo-boo.
Oh. It's nothing. I was playing him some Brahms.
Never too early to ingrain them.
I must have begun conducting with one of the gilded chopsticks
Maris wears in her bun, and I accidentally ran him through.
What young parent doesn't tell that story?
The scuffs were the fault of my new houseman, Ngee.
What did Gee do?
No, it's "Ngee."
-Guy. -No, with the back of the throat. "Ngee."
Nge… Oh, who cares? What did he do?
He'd just given my car a shine,
when I set the baby on the roof and down it went onto the driveway.
Would you watch him while I order?
ROZ: Hey, Fras.
This seat taken?
Well, actually…
No.
You'll be happy to know that Clarence is doing better.
I just dropped his card off.
-Clarence? -Yeah, the guard.
Oh, down at the station. Oh, yes. Good.
I didn't know he was sick.
You signed his "get well" card.
That wasn't a birthday card?
No, he's in the hospital having a kidney transplant.
Oh, my God.
I thought it was his birthday.
I wrote, "You're not getting older, just closer to death."
How could you think it was his birthday?
I didn't recognize the traditional card
for a man in an advanced stage of kidney failure,
a giant pink bunny rabbit.
Do you think he's read it yet?
No, he was sleeping when I left.
I'll look like a callous fool. We've got to get that card back.
NILES: How can you be leaving? [GASPS]
-I asked you to babysit! -Oh, Niles.
I don't have time to stand here and listen to your insanity.
I have to go steal a "get well" card from a kidney patient.
DAPHNE: What does that say? "Geb"?
No, it's "get."
"Get well soon. Love, Andrea."
Just copy it down, move on to the next name.
We have to transfer all the names onto the new card quickly.
I want to get it back there tonight.
So you snuck into a man's hospital room and stole his card?
I did not sneak in.
Luckily, he was in extreme pain and heavily sedated.
This never would've happened if you'd found out who this Clarence was.
You never pay attention to the little people.
Yes, why don't we invite all the commoners over
to drag me to the town square and give me a good stoning?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
That must be Niles. He's gonna take me to the hospital.
-Hello, Niles. -Hello, Frasier.
What are you doing with that?
Forging a parent-child bond that will last forever.
That's a relief. I was afraid it might be something stupid.
I don't wear this in public.
I just wanted the complete picture of parenthood.
-And? -It's driving me batty.
Ooh.
[GROANS] The feedings every two hours,
constant monitoring where he is.
I can see how parents can be obsessed with worry.
Last night, I had a dream my flour sack was abducted
and the kidnappers started sending me muffins in the mail.
Well, on the plus side, I've learned a lot.
If I ever go through the real thing, I'll make a wonderful parent.
Niles, what has happened to your child?
I was practicing my tai chi exercises, and I accidentally kicked him
into the reflecting pool.
That's when I brought him inside and left him by the hearth to dry.
He caught on fire?
It was not as careless as you make it seem.
A real child would have cried before it burst into flames.
[ALARM BEEPING]
Oh, oh, oh. Time for his nap.
-Turn him over if he starts fussing. -No.
I'm role-playing, Dad.
Try playing the role of a sane person.
So, Niles, any closer to making a decision about fatherhood?
To tell you the truth, no.
One minute, I think there's no chance I'll ever be able to stand the stress,
the next, I'm daydreaming about taking my son on his first trip to the museum
or listening to him pick out his first feeble "Für Elise" on the piano,
and I swear there are tears in my eyes.
[EDDIE SNARLING]
-Oh, dear. -What?
Eddie.
[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT] That dingo's got your baby.
Oh, God!
Eddie! Dad, get… Oh! Bad dog!
DAPHNE: Oh, don't worry. I'll clean up that mess, Dr. Crane.
Oh, my… For God's sake, Niles, calm down.
I think it's time you realized something.
That is not a person.
It's a bag of flour.
There's an easy trick to tell the difference.
People don't come with recipes on their backs.
This whole thing's stupid.
We're talking about having a baby here.
You don't make that decision intellectually.
You make it in here, in your gut.
You must have a gut feeling. What is it?
-I'm not sure. -You'd better be.
No amount of thinking can prepare you for having a kid.
It's hard.
Full of surprises.
Maybe your kid won't wanna take piano lessons or go to the museum.
-He might wanna go to a baseball game. -Don't even say that.
Just trust yourself.
You'll know if it's right or not.
I'm finished, if you're ready to take me to the hospital.
I'm beginning to wonder if this experiment wasn't just a way of convincing myself
I'm ready for something when I know I'm not.
What do you mean?
I want to have a baby.
But I just don't want it enough.
[SIGHS]
That's the hardest thing I've ever had to admit.
Why do you say that?
Oh… Because it's so selfish.
I'm the right age, I have the money, the energy.
It's only selfish when people have babies for the wrong reasons.
More people should find out if they're ready.
Anyway, just because you feel this way now, doesn't mean
that things can't change a few years down the line.
Perhaps you're right.
Maris and I will be over 40 then.
Maybe it wouldn't hurt to look into getting her eggs frozen.
Oh, I suspect they're only a few degrees away from that now.
You're going to a lot of trouble for this Clarence. Who is he?
Beats me. Some guy at the station.
Shh.
[UPBEAT TUNE PLAYING ON CARD]
Oh!
Dr. Crane!
-It's Clarence. -Oh.
You weren't in there looking for me, were you?
-As a matter of fact, I was. -They changed my room.
Oh. This is so sweet of you.
Clarence is such a fixture at the station, it just hasn't felt the same without him.
You find the time to come here,
while the rest of those bums at the station
don't even send me a card.
Actually, Clarence, there's… There's an explanation for that.
-[UPBEAT TUNE PLAYING ON CARD] -MAN: Make the music stop!
You see, the others at the station don't know you the way I do.
Yes. Uh, well, listen, you get yourself well and get back there.
I miss seeing you every time I walk by the…
Place you tend to be.
Niles?
Niles. What are you doing?
Looking at these babies,
I can't help wondering if I made the right decision.
-Niles. -Look at them.
They're healthy, beautiful, lovable…
Flammable.
How can I deny myself this experience?
Maybe I'm more ready for parenthood than I thought.
-Hey, what are you guys doing here? -FRASIER: Arleen!
Funny running into you. And this must be…
-Yes, little Nathan. -FRASIER: Oh.
-Hello. -Oh, look.
I'm so glad I ran into you.
We both want to thank you guys again.
So… would one of you like to hold him?
Ooh.
Yes, I would.
-[NATHAN FUSSES] -Oh, shh.
-Oh, he's beautiful. -[NATHAN CRYING]
Yes, why shouldn't you cry?
Everything's so new to you.
So much life to live.
-No, you've got his leg bent back. -Oh.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Here, you take him. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Well, see you guys.
-Say hi to your dad for me. -Yeah.
Perhaps I made the right decision.
I'd say so, yes.
-Ready to go? -Uh-huh.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Mercy.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Good night!