Until tomorrow then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you…
Oh, yes.
Be sure to tune in later for the final broadcast
of KACL's lovable curmudgeon, Chester Ludgate.
Most of us here at the station were surprised to hear that he was retiring.
I, for one, thought he'd never leave.
-So should we order a pizza? -Hmm? Sorry?
Those PSAs you promised you'd help me with are due tomorrow.
Oh, gosh, Roz, I really am sorry.
It seems that Mrs. Delafield's daughter is coming to join us as an intern.
I promised Kenny I'd show her around and take her to dinner.
So while I'm eating my vending-machine dinner,
you'll be out having a gourmet meal with some rich girl?
Oh, you can make anything sound unfair.
-Hey, Doc. -FRASIER: Kenny.
Whom have we here?
Dr. Frasier Crane, I'd like you to meet Miss Poppy Delafield.
Well, gotta run.
Poppy, what a pleasure to meet the daughter of our beloved station owner.
Well, so, what brings you to KACL?
Well, I was in Paris last month… Or was it Madrid?
No, Paris… and I said to myself,
[DEEP VOICE] "That's enough gallivanting for you, young lady.
It's time you get a job."
[NORMAL VOICE] So I flew home and asked my mother, Mommy,
if I could nose around
and see if some job spoke to me at one of our TV stations
or radio stations or newspapers. But not her brewery, thank you very much.
So here I am. Sleeves rolled up, ready to learn.
-Good. Yes. -Is this where you do your show?
Of course it is. There's your mike right in front of me. Earth to Poppy.
Oh, there's Gil. I met him earlier. Hi, Gil.
Um…
Nice man. I think it's marvelous what you do.
To really help people.
Unlike the psychiatrists I've been to. Both of them had some sort of…
I don't know, narcolepsy.
I sympathize, but if you can't stay awake, don't be a psychiatrist.
But to do what you do,
to face that microphone day after day
and know that for the next three hours you'll have to talk and talk and talk.
I could not do it.
I would freeze. Literally freeze.
[PHONE RINGS]
-I think… -Excuse me. Hello?
Yes?
Yes, Dad, all right, calm down, calm down. Was there much blood?
Oh, my gosh.
All right, I'll be there as soon as I can. Hang on.
I'm terribly sorry. There's a small emergency at home.
I'll pass on dinner. Rain check?
-We were having such a nice chat. -Yes, well.
Oh, this is Roz Doyle, my producer. You know, Roz,
I'll gladly do those promos if you would be so kind as to take Poppy to dinner
-and answer her questions. -Sure,
if you don't get bored listening to me drone on.
Oh, I don't think there's much chance of that.
Eddie, come on, get in here.
What the hell's happening?
Remember when Eddie killed his first rat, how proud I was?
-I told you that story? -FRASIER: Yes.
If you'd had a guitar, you'd have written a ballad.
We were down in the basement and I saw another rat.
I said, "Go get him, boy." So as he picked him up, in his teeth,
shaking the life out of him, I hear this little bell tinkling.
And I thought, well, that's funny. Rats don't wear bells.
Oh, God. Little Robbie Greenberg's missing hamster.
Yes, I read that flyer. He was offering a 10-dollar reward.
Well, the most we can claim at this point is about 6.50.
Oh, my. You know what, Dad, this is actually your fault.
If you hadn't encouraged him, he wouldn't be murdering hamsters.
What're you talking about? We don't know it was Eddie.
He might have had a heart attack or some kind of seizure
when he bounced off the boiler.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
-Niles. -Prepare to whoop
like a sweepstakes winner. Cancel dinner.
I've scored two seats, front row, for the event of the season.
-You mean? But… Niles. -Yes. I know.
I love it when they do it this way. I can pretend it's a Seahawks game.
My God, Niles, it's for the Chinceria Bartori concert.
It's been sold out for months. How did you score these?
I simply phoned the box office and said,
"This is Niles Crane, the new arts critic for The Monocle."
The Monocle? isn't that that magazine they hand out to rich people
-in the snootiest apartment buildings? -And the snootiest hotels.
How did this happen, Niles?
I was at a party thrown by the publisher, Olga Swarbreck.
The pretentious fop who had the job before me was there too,
spouting sheer drivel about Leonard Bernstein.
Being polite, I kept my tongue sheathed
until he referred to Bernstein's conducting as "overrated."
-I assume you pounced. -Like a ninja.
By the time I'd finished,
Olga could see I was a far better critic than that arrogant poseur.
She fired him there?
He was leaving anyway for his junior year abroad.
Well, I suppose that congratulations are in order.
Who would have thought, my little brother
a professional music critic.
Not just music. I can review anything I want. Theater, dance, art exhibits.
-You don't say? -Yes, from now on,
wherever we go, I'll be armed with my trusty pad and penlight.
Wherever we go? What fun.
Yes. I have to take a damp cloth to these opera glasses,
although I don't know what we'll use them for sitting in the front row.
Unless it's to scan the faces of the jealous people behind us.
So are you sure you're okay with Niles getting this critic job?
-Why wouldn't I be? -Come on, I know what it's like.
One gets something the other one doesn't, it's like when you were kids.
Niles had a telescope, you had to have a telescope.
You got that funny-looking guitar,
-Niles… -it was called a lute.
Yeah, oh, yeah, okay.
Dad, believe me, I do not envy Niles his critic's job.
As kids, we would aggravate the situation by flaunting our toys
in each other's faces. We're much more mature than that now. All right?
Niles, you know what? It's about time we got going.
-We don't wanna be late. -Don't be silly. I'm press now.
They'll hold it.
POPPY: So that's how it ends. B-minus average,
ten extra pounds and still no boyfriend.
I see Poppy's having a little party.
That is not a party. That's a hostage situation.
Thank God today is her last day.
This morning she cornered me by the coffee machine
and told me her whole life story.
I wanted to grab her by the throat and say,
"What am I, your biographer? Shut up."
Dear God, I thought I'd never break free.
I feel like a mongoose at the mercy of a chatty cobra.
Oh, hello, all. I see you already have the Times.
I'm quoted there today.
-In the Times? -NILES: Yes.
It's in this ad for Shaw's Saint Joan.
" 'Incandescent.' Niles Crane, The Monocle."
Wow, excuse me while I go tell all my friends I know you.
[NILES CHUCKLING]
[YAWNS]
Forgive me. Olga and I were up till all hours at a party
for the Royal Shakespeare Company.
I'm rubbing some pretty impressive shoulders these days.
To think it's because I have a small column.
That would certainly be the Freudian interpretation.
If I were to review that attitude,
I'd say it was a chilling portrait of malice and envy.
I'm not envious that you get to spout off in that glorified cat-box liner.
You just can't stand it that my opinion means more than yours.
That the arts community looks to me for my insight, my approval,
-my thumbs up. -We both know
what your thumb's up these days.
That's a good one, Frasier. Perhaps you should use it in your column.
Oh, that's right, you don't have one.
That smug jackass.
You have a radio show. If you wanted to say what you thought of a play,
-who's stopping you? -It's not the same thing, Roz.
You don't get free tickets.
You don't get quoted.
Forget hobnobbing.
My God, this competition between you and your brother is sick.
Your obsessive one-up man ship.
You're both gonna end up bitter old cranks like Chester Ludgate.
-Good point, Roz. -Thank you.
Chester's time slot is free. I could do my own arts show.
Kenny, Kenny, listen, Roz just had the most wonderful idea.
-Yeah, Doc? -What do you say about yours truly
hosting a bouncy little show about the arts in Seattle?
Culture.
Wow.
It's a great idea. Let me chew on that and I'll get back to you.
Great. You see, Roz, he loved your idea.
-That was not my idea. -It was too.
-It was not. -KENNY: Look, Doc,
I feel kind of bad about what I just did.
I let you think that there was a chance that I might let you do this show and…
There's none.
No chance at all?
-No. -FRASIER: Oh.
I mean, come on, Doc, you, culture, opera.
Who's listening?
Not me.
Damn. I think my show's a good idea.
Kenny's the station manager. He doesn't.
Yes, but frankly, I didn't like his attitude.
He acts like he owns the station. But he doesn't. Someone else does.
-Poppy. -The next best thing. Her mother.
-No, Poppy. -Oh, right.
-POPPY: Hi, Frasier. -Hello, Poppy.
-Gosh, would you care to join me? -POPPY: I can't.
Mommy's taking me shopping. She spoils me something horrible.
I guess it's an only-child thing. Anything I want, I just have to ask.
Anything you want. Oh, well, isn't that interesting?
You know, Poppy, perhaps, uh, we could, uh,
join each other for lunch after your shopping spree.
-I'd love it. -Would you really?
It just seems a shame, you leaving the station
and us never getting to know one another.
It hasn't been easy.
I mean, with you having those dental appointments every day.
Yes. Well, you know, let me walk you out.
I should get the name of your dentist. I can't find one I like.
They're always giving me Novocain and it's hours before I can talk again.
FRASIER: Oh, yes, well, I could give you his number,
although I'm not sure he'd be any different.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Divine Beethoven. It's extraordinary, isn't it?
Oh, yes.
And you know what makes it even more amazing?
What?
He was deaf.
Daphne, uh, more pâté, please.
Poppy, I can't tell you how wonderful it is to meet someone who…
Who shares my passion for the arts.
It's a rare thing to find in Seattle, believe me.
-Is it? -Oh, yes, sadly.
If only more people were better informed
about our city's rich cultural treasures.
But what can we
as mere radio folk do?
POPPY: Well…
What about a radio show all about the arts in Seattle?
Oh, my God. Poppy, that's a wonderful idea.
How do you do it? You just pull these things out of the air.
Oh, heavens. Of course, we'll have to find ourselves a proper host.
But who?
Well, someone very smart.
-Oh, indeed. -And cultured.
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
And with a lovely speaking voice.
Oh, I don't think we need to look too far.
Here you go. It's very rich, so don't spread it on too thick.
Frasier, I'm so glad you're on board with this.
You know, my only concern is will Kenny go for it?
You see, he's a bit of a Philistine.
It might be better if the suggestion came not actually from us but from…
Someone else.
Who?
Well, someone with more authority, power, influence…
Someone older.
A woman, perhaps.
Your mother. He means your mother.
POPPY: Oh…
Great idea. I'll call her.
Here, here, use mine.
Oh, thank you.
Hello, Mommy? I'm with Frasier Crane,
and we think there should be an arts show on KACL.
[FRASIER CHUCKLING]
But I really like this idea.
So you'll call Kenny and tell him you want this, okay?
Love you too.
Okay, bye. And the first show should be?
Why don't we start tomorrow? But we'll need something to review.
That revival of A Streetcar Named Desire opens tonight.
Splendid. Let's go together. All right, I'll see you at the theater.
[POPPY, FRASIER LAUGHING]
-Oh, Poppy. -Hello, little Eddie.
Did you have a good walk?
Actually, we've just been to the vet's.
Ohh. I had the cutest little dog when I was young, named Mr. Oops.
Every time we took him to the vet, he would…
-You took Eddie to the vet. Is he sick? -MARTIN: No,
it turns out the building security camera
caught Eddie taking out Robbie Greenberg's hamster.
So this Greenberg kid's trying to make Eddie out to be some kind of pit bull.
He's organizing a petition to get him banned from the building.
Oh, Dad, that's terrible.
Yeah, it is, so I don't know,
I just wanted everybody to see what a nice, calm, friendly dog Eddie was.
Why take him to the vet?
-Tranquilizers. -FRASIER: Oh.
MARTIN: They don't even work anyway.
I gave Eddie one of those pills on the ride home. It didn't do a thing.
I don't know. I think maybe he needs something else.
Uh, Mr. Crane…
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Looks like all he needs is a lava lamp and some sitar music.
Niles.
Well, I'm glad to see you're in a better mood.
I was hoping you'd lend me your Tennessee Williams biography.
I have to review that revival of Streetcar.
I wanted some background stuff.
Well, I'm sorry, Niles.
Normally I would, except that I'll be needing it for my own review.
Oh. Well, in that case, I'll… Wh…
What?
Right, you wouldn't have heard.
Starting tomorrow, I'll be doing my own little arts show on KACL.
Twice weekly.
-You envious reptile. -pâté?
I achieve one tiny distinction you don't have and what do you do?
-You run to Kenny for extra airtime. -I did no such thing.
No, he went to Poppy instead.
-Poppy? -Is this a panel discussion?
-You loathe Poppy. -I do not. She's delightful.
-Isn't she? -She's an idiot.
You conniving copycat. You have to have whatever I have.
I do not have what you have. My audience is twice as large as yours.
Well, at least my audience can read.
How dare you review my audience.
I've never seen him like this, eyes bulging, tongue lolling out.
He always gets that way when he fights with Niles.
-Good morning, Roz. -Hi.
Ha-ha-ha. You ready for our debut?
Listen, I'm thinking of calling the show Frasier Crane's Aisle Say,
but with the "I'll" spelled like a theater aisle.
That should work real well on radio.
Watch out for Kenny. I hear he's mad at you for going over his head.
He can't be mad at me. The whole thing was Poppy's idea.
Oh, here she is now. Come to wish me luck. Ha-ha!
-Poppy. -I was afraid I wouldn't get here in time.
Oh, here. Here. We got a few minutes before the show starts.
Take a seat. Catch your breath.
Oh, gosh, I'm really glad you made it.
It wouldn't be a proper debut without you.
Wow, all these buttons. How do you do it?
It's not that complicated really. I turn on the mike here.
These are my call buttons.
And, oh, I push this button here if I wanna cough.
How does it make you cough?
I hate to rush you but we've got a couple of minutes before the show…
Whoo! I better get a move on.
-Poppy, what are you doing? -Getting ready for my show.
One minute.
Your show?
Well, okay, our show. After all, it was your idea for me to do it.
Everyone. Everyone, come in here, please.
Before I begin my new show, I just want to say a few words.
Yesterday I was ready to leave KACL,
to run away as I have from so many other challenges.
It was the support of one man, Frasier Crane,
that helped me overcome the shyness you may have observed in me.
And to follow my dreams.
Oh, God, I wanna cry.
We all do.
-Ten seconds. -Go, go.
How could you do this to us?
-I had no idea she intended to stay. -That's not what her mother told me.
And I thought I'd seen some cruel pranks in the Army.
I assure you, she is way out of her depth here.
She'll realize she's in over her head and beg me to come in and take over.
A Streetcar Named Desire is a very powerful Broadway play.
It was made into a movie starring Marlon Brando.
This gave the play a very personal relevance for me,
as I once sat next to Mr. Brando on the Concorde
and we had a very lovely chat,
until a sudden cramp forced him to change seats.
Streetcar tells the tragic tale of Blanche Dubois,
[SOUTHERN ACCENT] who's a very genteel,
very proper Southern lady.
[DEEP VOICE] Or is she?
Go ahead, Niles, I know you were listening.
Well, I wish you'd lent her your Tennessee Williams biography.
She wouldn't have kept forgetting his name and calling him Indiana Jones.
If it's any consolation, I got fired from The Monocle.
Oh, Niles, I'm sorry.
I panned a wretched musical,
not realizing the lead was the person who does Olga's hair.
She fired you just to placate her hairdresser?
Electrolycist.
And if you'd ever seen her in a sundress, you'd forgive her as I have.
Oh, I am sorry, Niles. Gosh, it's such a shame, really, you know,
I know how much you loved that job, and to lose it in such a fashion…
Well, you know, I was thinking of quitting that job anyway.
-Oh? -NILES: Mm-hmm.
I felt I was spreading myself too thin.
Getting distracted from my real work.
I had the same thought. Even as I was preparing my show,
I thought, "Am I being fair to my regular listeners?"
-They do depend on you. Thank you. -As do your patients.
Gosh, you know, is it any wonder we find ourselves ex-critics?
We were meant to lose those jobs.
It's as if the gods of psychiatry have quietly stepped in and put things right.
Well put.
Oh, thank you.
If you're feeling hungry, we could catch an early dinner…
Ooh! And then catch the new Stoppard play.
FRASIER: Splendid.
It's just a shame my listeners never got to hear my review of Streetcar.
-Ooh. Insightful? -Groundbreaking.
-As was mine. -Yes.
Well, it takes a psychiatrist to interpret that play.
Mm-hm. Indeed.
All right, you go first. Go.
A descent into madness is well worth the trip in this incandescent revival
-of A Streetcar Named Desire. -FRASIER: Niles.
"Incandescent"? The same tired word you used…
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]