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* THOMAS LANG: I Fell In Love With The Moon
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* Soon
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* You'll see
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* She'll send me
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* That heavenly frown
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* And while
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* The world is sleeping
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* She'll come creeping
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* From out of her cloud
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* Something tells me
stars may fall from the sky tonight
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* Cos I fell in love with the moon
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(Trumpet instrumental)
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* Moon!
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* With the moon!
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LEON: I need to speak to Gordon. Leon Geller.
16
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Gordon, Gordon, thank God.
There's another problem.
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Hang on. Hang on.
There's a terrible pinging noise on the line.
18
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LEON: That's better. It's gone now.
- Not again. What is it this time?
19
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I got the measurements on the lawn wrong.
20
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Yes, yes. It's still 80 feet long. It's the width.
21
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- 37 ½.
- It's not worth worrying about. Forget it.
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Gordon, that's almost one foot shorter
than I thought.
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I said, forget it.
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Sorry.
25
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That's a foot, Gordon. A foot.
You'll just have to tell your client.
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Shit!
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I know. I know. It's very annoying.
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- It's perfect for you. Just on the market.
- Just on the market.
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Original features. Very you.
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I'm not exactly happy myself.
When will you get back to me?
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OK. OK. Well, stay calm.
Everything will be all right.
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- Have you just done what I think you've done?
- What? I made a mistake, that's all.
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If you lose this one after all this time,
people will talk.
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- You know, you can be too honest.
- Too honest?
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When was the last time you sold a house,
or a flat, even?
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What's a white lie here or there?
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(Leon sighs)
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LEON: For God's sake!
- What is it?
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He's got me prawn salad.
I could have eaten that.
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Jesus, I'll have it.
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Leon, for you.
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Bad line.
Sounds like someone playing ping-pong.
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You're disgusting.
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Gordon, can we talk later?
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Why did they ban shellfish?
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What were the chances of Jews
finding a shoal of lobster in the desert?
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Hang on. What do you mean,
"you've already exchanged"?
48
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You what? It's sold? To who?
49
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I mean, when?
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Sold? I've...
I've been working on this for seven months.
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Yeah.
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Yeah, sure. Listen, I'll speak to you soon.
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Gordon stabbed you in the back?
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After seven months.
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It's a cut-throat business.
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(Man clears throat) Gentlemen,
I'd like you all to pay careful attention
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to what our good friend Mr Vitelli here
has to say.
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So, gentlemen,
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what I propose is this.
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Here you see the house of Charles Dickens.
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A great man.
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One of the best writers ever.
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VITELLI: The house is currently a listed building.
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It is in a prime position.
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Prime, particularly, because it lies between
Vitelli's Pasta House here
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and Vitelli's Ice-Cream Parlour here.
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So, propose, gentlemen, to buy, with your help,
the house once owned by Mr Dickens.
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Leisure is the industry of the future.
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- So...
LEON: Bastard.
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This is what I like to call
Vitelli's Leisure Complex.
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00:05:27,917 --> 00:05:33,082
Taking up the entire area,
including the house where Mr Dickens lived,
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you have a four-acre site
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dedicated to leisure activities.
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Sauna, swimming pool, Jacuzzi,
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backgammon area, aromatherapy suite...
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(Clears throat) Er, er... Excuse me, Mr Vitelli,
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but the Dickens house is,
as you point out, a listed building.
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So?
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Well, there's no way we'd be able to buy it.
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Now, where was I?
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Hm. Yeah. Aromatherapy suite.
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VITELLI: Go-karting area, dolphinarium.
We have an indoor water-ski...
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(Glasses clink)
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ALL: Surprise!
Happy birthday!
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Happy birthday!
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Happy birthday, darling.
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- Any news on that exchange? We're all waiting.
- I love that house.
88
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My wife and I were going to buy it once.
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- Weren't we, Hilda?
- No, Charles, it was the one next door.
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Was it? I forget so much these days.
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I love that house.
My wife and I were going to buy it once.
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- Weren't we, Hilda?
WOMAN: Not married yet?
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- Not yet.
- Why not? Useless.
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Harvey? Harvey!
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- Where's Valerie?
- Talking to Diana about breast-feeding.
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- How long till the baby's born?
- 26 weeks, all being well.
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We're so excited
about having another grandchild.
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- Aren't we, Sidney?
- We certainly are.
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- We're both very proud of you.
- Thanks, Dad.
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I hear both your brothers are doing very well.
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- One in the city...
- Harvey.
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And the other one is Nat, the net-curtain king.
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- He's also married.
WOMAN: Never mind married.
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He's got children.
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Where is she?
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Where's my sleeping beauty?
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Say hello to Grandpa.
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Hello, Grandpa.
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Let him have his fun.
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When I was your age I had lots and lots of fun.
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- Not with me, you didn't.
- Charles! You don't remember anything.
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Fun I would remember.
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Leon, say something for the camera.
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Come on. Say something.
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- Look, Dad, can we talk?
- Sure.
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That's what I'm asking for - talk.
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In private.
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What's with the secrecy?
Talk as much as you like.
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Feel free. Anything.
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- But Nat and Harvey...
- You what?!
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What's up? Calm down, Sidney.
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Go on. You tell her.
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LEON: I er...
- Speak up.
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Well, you know about the erm... St John's
Wood...
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MAN: Can't hear you!
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Look...
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- Basically, the St John's Wood house...
- We can't see you.
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The St John's Wood house, which I was,
supposedly, exclusively representing,
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was sold today...
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(Cheering)
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...by... by another estate agent.
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(Groaning)
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I was asked to negotiate a deal that would have
ruined one of this country's oldest buildings.
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I could not believe that the firm of Gutterman
and Plontikoff were acting in good faith.
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I realised that the very...
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the very concept
of being an estate agent is dishonest
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and I felt I had no alternative except to resign.
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So I did.
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Erm...
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I'm sorry if I ruined your evening.
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Sorry. Sorry, Mum.
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Big deal. So you'll work for your father.
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I've got a job. You'll work for me.
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Anyone who is hard- working,
I can find space for.
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Have you ever considered butchery?
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He'll work for me.
I could do with another pair of hands.
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(Footsteps)
148
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- Hi.
- Boy, have I had a day.
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What is it?
150
00:10:12,875 --> 00:10:17,665
Well, for starters, I'm going to work for
my mother's catering business.
151
00:10:17,667 --> 00:10:19,373
What?
152
00:10:19,375 --> 00:10:23,744
It was a choice between that
or working with Nat, the net-curtain king.
153
00:10:23,750 --> 00:10:26,082
Gutterman and Plontikoff.
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00:10:26,083 --> 00:10:29,746
Bastards. Bloody estate agents. Lying sods.
155
00:10:29,750 --> 00:10:32,036
Elliot can keep it.
156
00:10:33,167 --> 00:10:37,536
Did I tell you? Last week, he wrote out details
for a three- bedroom flat
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and the third bedroom is tiny,
158
00:10:39,667 --> 00:10:44,707
but it's got a radiator, so he puts down
"luxury two-bedroom flat with sauna".
159
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What are people? Stupid?
Does he think they won't see?
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00:10:49,792 --> 00:10:52,249
So, then, tonight, I mean, of all times,
161
00:10:52,250 --> 00:10:56,448
I had to go and resign on the night
of my mother's surprise birthday party.
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00:10:56,458 --> 00:11:00,030
Tonight, they're all asking me questions,
offering me advice.
163
00:11:01,167 --> 00:11:03,328
Listen, why don't we go to a late film?
164
00:11:04,708 --> 00:11:06,915
Leon, I've told you.
165
00:11:06,917 --> 00:11:10,614
I like my men to be adventurous,
to have done things,
166
00:11:10,625 --> 00:11:13,992
climbed mountains, flown in hot-air balloons.
167
00:11:15,542 --> 00:11:17,658
I want to go out with...
168
00:11:17,667 --> 00:11:19,578
boxers
169
00:11:19,583 --> 00:11:22,905
and murder detectives
170
00:11:22,917 --> 00:11:25,329
and... tree surgeons!
171
00:11:25,333 --> 00:11:29,155
- Not estate agents...
- Ex. Ex-estate agent.
172
00:11:29,167 --> 00:11:31,704
...net-curtain salesmen...
- I am not...
173
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...and caterers.
174
00:11:37,500 --> 00:11:40,788
LEON: I don't understand it.
- She's Jewish. You're Jewish.
175
00:11:40,792 --> 00:11:43,204
It's a problem. Opposites attract.
176
00:11:43,208 --> 00:11:45,324
Opposites attract?
177
00:11:45,333 --> 00:11:48,780
Opposites attract? What is this?
Are we people or magnets?
178
00:11:51,917 --> 00:11:53,999
You've got two bowls, yeah?
179
00:11:57,000 --> 00:12:00,447
GIRL ON TANNO Y: Engineer to lane 6.
Engineer to lane 6.
180
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So, how's the catering business?
181
00:12:12,042 --> 00:12:16,411
It's honest. No white lies.
No yellow lies. No transparent lies.
182
00:12:16,417 --> 00:12:18,533
(Whispers) Opposites.
183
00:12:18,542 --> 00:12:21,454
- Er, excuse me. Are you using this?
- Not at all.
184
00:12:22,500 --> 00:12:25,742
GIRL ON TANNO Y:
Mr Sharman to the cashier's desk, please.
185
00:12:32,583 --> 00:12:34,665
Very good. Excellent.
186
00:12:39,125 --> 00:12:41,207
You can hear it coming up the chute.
187
00:12:43,417 --> 00:12:45,499
(Mouths)
188
00:12:47,750 --> 00:12:49,832
- Hi.
- Hello.
189
00:12:53,167 --> 00:12:55,283
(Ball thunders)
190
00:12:55,292 --> 00:12:56,953
(Dull thud)
191
00:13:39,292 --> 00:13:41,408
First floor.
192
00:13:41,417 --> 00:13:43,533
Marriage counselling
193
00:13:43,542 --> 00:13:45,658
and sex therapy.
194
00:13:45,667 --> 00:13:47,749
Excuse me. Excuse me.
195
00:14:03,500 --> 00:14:06,116
LIFT OPERATOR: Second floor.
196
00:14:06,125 --> 00:14:08,411
Premature ejaculation.
197
00:14:26,917 --> 00:14:28,999
Lunch for Dr Stern.
198
00:14:38,333 --> 00:14:40,415
Third floor. Infertility.
199
00:14:47,958 --> 00:14:50,074
- Excuse me.
- Name?
200
00:14:50,083 --> 00:14:52,290
- Geller, but I'm only...
- Address?
201
00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:54,374
- What?
- Your address?
202
00:14:55,917 --> 00:14:59,080
Look, I have a delivery here for Dr Stern.
That's all.
203
00:14:59,083 --> 00:15:02,246
I'm not a patient. I don't have a... problem.
204
00:15:02,250 --> 00:15:05,993
- Erm... Can I leave this here?
- 228, The Drive, Edgware.
205
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,707
- How can I help you?
- Just give this....
206
00:15:09,958 --> 00:15:12,199
How did you get hold of that address?
207
00:15:12,208 --> 00:15:15,041
- It's on file, of course.
- Isn't that illegal?
208
00:15:15,042 --> 00:15:20,332
- Not at all. We only keep relevant information.
- What do you mean, "relevant" information?
209
00:15:20,333 --> 00:15:22,915
Geller. Born 25/8/32.
210
00:15:22,917 --> 00:15:25,203
Joined Al programme June 1960.
211
00:15:26,750 --> 00:15:28,866
Hang on. That can't be you.
212
00:15:28,875 --> 00:15:31,787
- Sidney Geller?
- No, that's my father.
213
00:15:31,792 --> 00:15:34,955
What gives you the right
to have a file on my father?
214
00:15:34,958 --> 00:15:37,165
He was on the Al programme.
215
00:15:37,167 --> 00:15:40,910
You must be.... Leon, Nat or Harvey.
216
00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:44,374
What's the Al programme?
217
00:15:44,375 --> 00:15:46,457
Artificial insemination.
218
00:15:49,917 --> 00:15:53,330
- Haven't you got anything to say?
- What do you want us to say?
219
00:15:53,333 --> 00:15:55,574
What are you getting so worked up about?
220
00:15:55,583 --> 00:15:58,780
We're all products of artificial insemination.
So what?
221
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:00,908
Do we have to talk about this?
222
00:16:00,917 --> 00:16:02,999
- Hear, hear.
- Are you joking?
223
00:16:04,083 --> 00:16:07,246
- We nearly told you when you were Bar
Mitzvah. - And?
224
00:16:07,250 --> 00:16:10,993
And... then we decided to tell you
when you were all married.
225
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:14,697
Sounds fair enough.
It's not their fault you haven't got married.
226
00:16:14,708 --> 00:16:18,781
I think it must have taken a lot of courage
for Dad to go through with it.
227
00:16:20,125 --> 00:16:22,207
What did you want us to do?
228
00:16:24,125 --> 00:16:26,241
Your father has a low sperm count.
229
00:16:26,250 --> 00:16:29,117
- Do we have to talk about this?
NAT: Hear, hear.
230
00:16:29,125 --> 00:16:33,073
MRS GELLER: You should be proud.
You were one of the first in the country.
231
00:16:33,083 --> 00:16:36,200
LEON: Even better!
You told everyone else except us.
232
00:16:37,333 --> 00:16:41,201
"Rabbi Noga commented
that Mr and Mrs Geller were fulfilling
233
00:16:41,208 --> 00:16:44,746
one of the most positive commandments
in the Jewish religion.
234
00:16:44,750 --> 00:16:48,288
- To procreate. How they do it is their business."
HARVEY: Exactly.
235
00:16:49,333 --> 00:16:53,622
Sidney Geller's doctor
commented that his patient's... sperm count
236
00:16:53,625 --> 00:16:56,537
was one of the lowest
he had ever encountered.
237
00:16:56,542 --> 00:16:58,658
Do we have to talk about this?
238
00:16:58,667 --> 00:17:04,116
We contacted the proud father, owner of Geller's
Net Curtains Ltd, and asked him how he felt.
239
00:17:04,125 --> 00:17:06,992
He replied, "Do we have to talk about this?"
240
00:17:12,500 --> 00:17:14,661
I don't know what you want to achieve.
241
00:17:15,792 --> 00:17:17,874
Now you all know the truth. OK.
242
00:17:19,125 --> 00:17:22,492
You are all products
of artificial insemination. OK.
243
00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:26,197
Your father is your father. I am your mother.
Subject is closed.
244
00:17:26,208 --> 00:17:29,951
- But why did you have to be so secretive?
- It was only a white lie.
245
00:17:33,167 --> 00:17:35,249
Problems? Enjoy the sandwich.
246
00:17:38,375 --> 00:17:42,914
I just wanted to tell you. I think
they should have told you at your Bar Mitzvah.
247
00:17:42,917 --> 00:17:47,206
Nonsense! He was too young. What would he
have understood at the age of 13?
248
00:17:47,208 --> 00:17:52,657
Listen, if it wasn't for an unfortunate coincidence
he would never have found out at all.
249
00:17:52,667 --> 00:17:54,999
- And now?
- Now he knows. Big deal.
250
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:57,116
CHEF: The way I see it is like this.
251
00:17:57,125 --> 00:18:01,414
He comes here three or four times a week.
Every time, he orders salt beef.
252
00:18:01,417 --> 00:18:03,624
Every time, it tastes the same, right?
253
00:18:03,625 --> 00:18:05,741
Now, is it the same cow that he eats?
254
00:18:05,750 --> 00:18:08,992
One cow comes from here,
another cow comes from there.
255
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:12,242
Do I know how they breed each cow,
what method they use?
256
00:18:12,250 --> 00:18:15,208
So long as I boil the beef
for five and a half hours,
257
00:18:15,208 --> 00:18:18,871
with so much pepper and so much seasoning,
the result's the same.
258
00:18:18,875 --> 00:18:21,161
- Meaning?
- Listen, I'm only the chef.
259
00:18:22,292 --> 00:18:24,408
- I'm a doctor.
- Mazel Tov.
260
00:18:24,417 --> 00:18:27,409
The important issue here
is one of medical science.
261
00:18:27,417 --> 00:18:30,375
And that gives you the right
to use him as a hamster?
262
00:18:30,375 --> 00:18:32,991
His father had a problem. Science solved it.
263
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:37,414
Now he has three healthy boys,
whose children will have children, and so on.
264
00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:40,864
This would never have happened
without medical science.
265
00:18:40,875 --> 00:18:43,457
- True.
- I suppose you're right.
266
00:18:45,208 --> 00:18:47,324
But I don't have any children.
267
00:18:47,333 --> 00:18:49,449
Oh.
268
00:18:49,458 --> 00:18:51,574
- Oh, what?
- Nothing.
269
00:18:51,583 --> 00:18:54,746
- Have you been trying?
- I should be so lucky.
270
00:18:54,750 --> 00:18:59,039
That Lisa girl has been leading him
a merry dance, gallivanting around.
271
00:18:59,042 --> 00:19:01,454
Don't worry. She'll come round.
272
00:19:01,458 --> 00:19:03,790
No way. She isn't interested.
273
00:19:03,792 --> 00:19:06,204
He's too dominated by his family.
274
00:19:06,208 --> 00:19:08,540
- You should break loose.
- True.
275
00:19:08,542 --> 00:19:10,658
This is North London.
276
00:19:10,667 --> 00:19:14,159
What do you want me to do?
Kill my father and marry my mother?
277
00:19:14,167 --> 00:19:16,283
But you've had the test?
278
00:19:16,292 --> 00:19:18,408
- What test?
- What test?
279
00:19:18,417 --> 00:19:20,749
Your brothers have children?
280
00:19:20,750 --> 00:19:23,662
One has. The other one is expecting one.
281
00:19:26,958 --> 00:19:29,040
What are you saying?
282
00:19:30,792 --> 00:19:32,908
No! Is it hereditary?
283
00:19:32,917 --> 00:19:35,454
- The chances are you're fine.
- But?
284
00:19:35,458 --> 00:19:39,997
Well, in these cases,
there's always a slim possibility, very slim,
285
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,707
that the problem is, as it were, er...
286
00:19:42,708 --> 00:19:44,824
passed on.
287
00:19:44,833 --> 00:19:46,949
You mean to say,
288
00:19:46,958 --> 00:19:49,074
he could be...
289
00:19:49,083 --> 00:19:50,744
infertile?
290
00:20:21,750 --> 00:20:23,866
FEMALE DOCTOR: Mr Geller?
291
00:20:23,875 --> 00:20:25,957
Come and sit down.
292
00:20:32,833 --> 00:20:35,791
I don't believe we owe you an apology,
Mr Geller,
293
00:20:35,792 --> 00:20:40,786
but I am sympathetic to the manner in which
you found out about your father's visits to us.
294
00:20:44,417 --> 00:20:49,116
Society's taboos are something we have
to deal with rather a lot in this profession.
295
00:20:49,125 --> 00:20:50,706
- Yes.
- What?
296
00:20:50,708 --> 00:20:52,289
Nothing.
297
00:20:52,292 --> 00:20:54,829
Shall we get to the matter in hand?
298
00:20:55,958 --> 00:20:59,530
It doesn't hurt to laugh.
Just a small joke I use to break the ice.
299
00:20:59,542 --> 00:21:03,615
If you'd be so good as to take this test tube
behind the screen
300
00:21:03,625 --> 00:21:06,458
and let me know when you've finished.
301
00:21:06,458 --> 00:21:08,323
Mr Geller?
302
00:21:23,333 --> 00:21:26,780
Your father, as it happens,
was a real challenge in his day.
303
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:31,958
Nowadays, we can achieve
even greater miracles.
304
00:21:31,958 --> 00:21:34,370
By in vitro fertilisation, if necessary.
305
00:21:34,375 --> 00:21:36,491
Test- tube babies.
306
00:21:36,500 --> 00:21:39,742
- Have you finished yet?
- (Unzips trousers) Er...no.
307
00:21:39,750 --> 00:21:42,787
In those days, we just froze
as much as we could get,
308
00:21:42,792 --> 00:21:44,908
thawed it out when necessary
309
00:21:44,917 --> 00:21:46,999
and used the old pipette.
310
00:21:48,125 --> 00:21:50,241
I'm sure your mother remembers it.
311
00:21:50,250 --> 00:21:52,366
- Are you having trouble?
- No.
312
00:21:52,375 --> 00:21:54,582
- I have pictures, if you want?
- No.
313
00:21:54,583 --> 00:21:56,995
- An interesting selection.
- I'm fine.
314
00:21:59,042 --> 00:22:01,283
Results generally take a fortnight.
315
00:22:01,292 --> 00:22:03,408
- We can send them to you.
- No.
316
00:22:03,417 --> 00:22:05,999
- You'll come and pick them up, then?
- Yes.
317
00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:15,616
Coming.
318
00:22:15,625 --> 00:22:17,707
LEON: Er, nearly.
319
00:22:21,458 --> 00:22:24,245
I don't believe it. I just don't believe it!
320
00:22:29,958 --> 00:22:32,040
(Revs engine)
321
00:22:34,125 --> 00:22:36,537
That'll teach you.
322
00:22:44,083 --> 00:22:46,199
I am so sorry. Are you OK?
323
00:22:46,208 --> 00:22:47,869
No.
324
00:22:50,167 --> 00:22:51,828
(Horn)
325
00:22:58,333 --> 00:23:00,745
You're going to have to give me a lift home.
326
00:23:06,667 --> 00:23:08,783
Do you think it will leave a scar?
327
00:23:08,792 --> 00:23:10,328
What?
328
00:23:11,875 --> 00:23:13,957
The scar just above the left knee.
329
00:23:15,708 --> 00:23:17,915
Don't you find that sort of erotic?
330
00:23:17,917 --> 00:23:19,999
Next on the left.
331
00:23:29,458 --> 00:23:31,574
You will stay for tea, won't you? Oh!
332
00:23:31,583 --> 00:23:36,498
I think... we should both have
essence of ginger root. It's brilliant for shock.
333
00:23:38,042 --> 00:23:39,532
Oh!
334
00:23:39,542 --> 00:23:43,535
I'm just starting my period.
I'll have a dash of evening primrose, too.
335
00:23:48,208 --> 00:23:50,824
My first self-portrait.
336
00:23:53,083 --> 00:23:57,577
I make stained-glass windows.
I have a contract with the Church of England.
337
00:23:58,708 --> 00:24:00,824
I've always loved windows.
338
00:24:00,833 --> 00:24:05,406
As a kid, I used to spend hours
tracing the path of raindrops down the glass.
339
00:24:05,417 --> 00:24:10,457
People always thought I liked the rain,
but it was the windows that fascinated me.
340
00:24:10,458 --> 00:24:12,574
Opaque glass.
341
00:24:12,583 --> 00:24:14,995
Rippled glass. Stained glass.
342
00:24:16,542 --> 00:24:20,205
Windows allow you to see and to be seen.
It's a two-way deal.
343
00:24:20,208 --> 00:24:23,951
And yet millions of people
don't keep their side of it.
344
00:24:28,125 --> 00:24:30,707
How er... How do you mean?
345
00:24:33,917 --> 00:24:36,033
Net curtains!
346
00:24:36,042 --> 00:24:40,832
Ugly, flimsy nylon that stops people
from enjoying the window from both sides,
347
00:24:40,833 --> 00:24:43,370
because people need their privacy.
348
00:24:43,375 --> 00:24:45,957
The whole beauty of the window is ruined.
349
00:24:47,083 --> 00:24:49,574
They may as well brick up the space!
350
00:24:52,167 --> 00:24:54,283
If I had one wish in life,
351
00:24:54,292 --> 00:24:57,955
it would be to rid the whole world
of every single net curtain.
352
00:25:00,542 --> 00:25:03,454
You're lucky that's not
an outside wall back there.
353
00:25:04,583 --> 00:25:07,416
You could do with
an NHBC damp-proofing course.
354
00:25:09,167 --> 00:25:12,330
For one awful minute
you sounded like an estate agent!
355
00:25:14,917 --> 00:25:19,456
If there's one thing I can't stand
more than net curtains, it's estate agents.
356
00:25:19,458 --> 00:25:21,449
Trained liars. Dishonesty incarnate.
357
00:25:21,458 --> 00:25:23,449
I can't stand dishonesty.
358
00:25:23,458 --> 00:25:25,414
So, what do you do?
359
00:25:25,417 --> 00:25:26,998
I sculpt.
360
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:30,367
Really? I've always wanted to sculpt.
361
00:25:30,375 --> 00:25:34,288
Ever since I saw Rodin's The Kiss.
Don't you love his work?
362
00:25:34,292 --> 00:25:36,908
I find the subtitles a bit off-putting.
363
00:25:36,917 --> 00:25:38,999
(Woman giggles)
364
00:25:42,208 --> 00:25:44,324
So, what materials do you use?
365
00:25:44,333 --> 00:25:46,449
Oh, er....
366
00:25:46,458 --> 00:25:48,574
Anything I can. Food.
367
00:25:48,583 --> 00:25:50,414
Food?
368
00:25:50,417 --> 00:25:52,248
You mean...
369
00:25:53,792 --> 00:25:55,874
Your sculptures are edible?
370
00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:59,412
And if it doesn't get eaten, it goes off.
371
00:26:08,875 --> 00:26:11,287
Who does she remind you of?
372
00:26:11,292 --> 00:26:13,704
I'm not sure. Maybe my mother.
373
00:26:15,875 --> 00:26:17,957
There's her lover.
374
00:26:19,083 --> 00:26:23,998
The female lays her eggs at the bottom
under a stone and the male fertilises them after.
375
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:26,082
My mother. Definitely.
376
00:26:27,208 --> 00:26:29,324
This is me,
377
00:26:29,333 --> 00:26:31,415
the voyeur.
378
00:26:45,917 --> 00:26:47,157
Quick, Leon.
379
00:26:47,167 --> 00:26:48,703
Up here.
380
00:26:54,833 --> 00:26:56,619
Look at that.
381
00:27:01,417 --> 00:27:03,908
LEON: Oh, vile, I know. Horrible.
382
00:27:03,917 --> 00:27:06,033
No, down a bit.
383
00:27:06,042 --> 00:27:08,499
They know they can be seen.
384
00:27:08,500 --> 00:27:10,912
Windows can fulfil a real need.
385
00:27:22,583 --> 00:27:24,699
LEON: Gutterman!
386
00:27:24,708 --> 00:27:26,790
Mrs Gutterman.
387
00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:36,197
- Vitelli!
WOMAN: What do you think?
388
00:27:40,167 --> 00:27:42,954
I've always had trouble picturing Christ.
389
00:27:42,958 --> 00:27:45,916
Why does he always have a beard?
390
00:27:45,917 --> 00:27:47,703
It's beautiful.
391
00:27:48,833 --> 00:27:50,915
Yeah, it's not bad.
392
00:27:53,083 --> 00:27:56,450
I've often wondered
about just giving him a moustache.
393
00:27:56,458 --> 00:27:58,494
Are you hungry?
394
00:27:59,625 --> 00:28:01,240
Starving.
395
00:28:07,958 --> 00:28:10,244
Good to see you again, mademoiselle.
396
00:28:11,375 --> 00:28:15,573
* Mon Dieu
397
00:28:16,917 --> 00:28:20,034
* Mon Dieu...
398
00:28:25,250 --> 00:28:27,332
Is he staring at me?
399
00:28:29,417 --> 00:28:31,499
I'd say he's ogling.
400
00:28:34,625 --> 00:28:37,492
He's been trying to get into my knickers for ages.
401
00:28:37,500 --> 00:28:39,991
He doesn't know I'm not wearing any!
402
00:28:41,125 --> 00:28:42,956
Are you shocked?
403
00:28:42,958 --> 00:28:44,619
Not at all.
404
00:28:46,375 --> 00:28:50,948
- What's the most attractive thing about me?
- Jesus, what a question! Erm...
405
00:28:54,083 --> 00:28:56,199
It's... it's... it's how you talk.
406
00:28:56,208 --> 00:28:58,324
- My accent?
- No.
407
00:28:58,333 --> 00:29:02,326
No, it's er.... It's what you say,
the things you talk about.
408
00:29:02,333 --> 00:29:04,449
Are you ready to order?
409
00:29:04,458 --> 00:29:06,574
Like orgasms?
410
00:29:06,583 --> 00:29:10,121
We'll have the special
and a bottle of house white.
411
00:29:14,583 --> 00:29:17,575
- Have we spoken about?
- Not yet.
412
00:29:20,292 --> 00:29:22,374
I must go to the loo.
413
00:29:31,375 --> 00:29:32,740
Bastard!
414
00:29:48,250 --> 00:29:50,957
So, what is today's special?
415
00:29:50,958 --> 00:29:53,825
- Lobster thermidor.
- That will teach you.
416
00:29:53,833 --> 00:29:55,664
Lobster? Ooh!
417
00:29:55,667 --> 00:29:57,783
She's right. You're in a pickle.
418
00:29:57,792 --> 00:30:00,204
Do yourself a favour. Leave now.
419
00:30:00,208 --> 00:30:04,907
- Am I to take it that sir is Jewish?
- That's right. Strictly kosher.
420
00:30:04,917 --> 00:30:07,659
Hasn't told her, though. Can't say I blame him.
421
00:30:07,667 --> 00:30:09,373
Edgar!
422
00:30:09,375 --> 00:30:11,286
What a shame.
423
00:30:11,292 --> 00:30:14,739
(Lobster squeals)
- Ah, there goes the lobster now.
424
00:30:14,750 --> 00:30:16,661
(More squealing)
425
00:30:16,667 --> 00:30:18,749
He's a fighter, this one.
426
00:30:21,208 --> 00:30:23,915
There's still time. Tell her.
427
00:30:23,917 --> 00:30:26,033
WOMAN: Tell her now!
428
00:30:26,042 --> 00:30:28,124
Is something wrong?
429
00:30:32,083 --> 00:30:33,619
Good.
430
00:30:34,750 --> 00:30:40,370
* Mon Dieu, mon Dieu, mon Dieu...
431
00:30:51,375 --> 00:30:53,616
Could we have some more water, please?
432
00:30:53,625 --> 00:30:55,707
Of course. Enjoy your meal.
433
00:31:11,333 --> 00:31:13,415
(Sighs heavily)
434
00:31:20,708 --> 00:31:22,790
(Groans)
435
00:31:24,875 --> 00:31:26,957
WOMAN: He'll never do lt.
436
00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:51,572
WAITER: Compliments of ze house.
MADELEINE: Thank you.
437
00:31:51,583 --> 00:31:54,040
- What is it?
- Pork.
438
00:31:54,042 --> 00:31:57,205
OK. OK. You win. I'll tell her.
439
00:31:57,208 --> 00:31:59,324
Madeleine,
440
00:31:59,333 --> 00:32:01,039
I'm Jewish.
441
00:32:02,375 --> 00:32:04,491
Can you take this away now?
442
00:32:04,500 --> 00:32:06,286
You're...
443
00:32:06,292 --> 00:32:08,123
Jewish?
444
00:32:08,125 --> 00:32:09,911
Look, I'm sorry.
445
00:32:11,500 --> 00:32:13,491
Daddy hates Jews.
446
00:32:13,500 --> 00:32:15,661
Look, I've said I'm sorry!
447
00:34:58,875 --> 00:35:00,957
- I rang you last night.
- I was out.
448
00:35:04,792 --> 00:35:06,874
At four o'clock in the morning?
449
00:35:14,583 --> 00:35:17,825
Don't forget the cheese bits. Only for family.
450
00:35:24,500 --> 00:35:26,832
* Traditional Jewish music
451
00:35:26,833 --> 00:35:28,994
- I like chicken, as well.
- Lovely.
452
00:35:30,375 --> 00:35:32,457
- Friends?
- That's right.
453
00:35:41,292 --> 00:35:43,374
- Friends?
- Yes.
454
00:35:48,583 --> 00:35:50,790
- Friends or family?
- Groom's uncle.
455
00:35:53,917 --> 00:35:56,033
(Laughter)
456
00:35:56,042 --> 00:35:58,124
Excuse me.
457
00:35:59,875 --> 00:36:02,708
- Friends or family?
- Hm... Friends.
458
00:36:13,042 --> 00:36:15,124
Have you seen The Jewish Chronicle?
459
00:36:16,792 --> 00:36:19,249
12 engagements this week.
460
00:36:19,250 --> 00:36:21,366
Decent girls.
461
00:36:21,375 --> 00:36:23,912
Not like that kitten you're humping.
462
00:36:27,750 --> 00:36:31,117
Hi, Rabbi Fink. Hampstead Progressive.
463
00:36:31,125 --> 00:36:34,492
I understand you're going out with
a non-Jewish girl.
464
00:36:34,500 --> 00:36:36,286
Mazel Tov!
465
00:36:41,875 --> 00:36:43,957
PHOTOGRAPHER: Smile!
466
00:37:01,458 --> 00:37:03,540
Eh-eh-eh!
467
00:37:16,083 --> 00:37:18,165
MAN: One, two, three!
468
00:37:19,208 --> 00:37:21,290
- Up!
- (Cheering)
469
00:37:33,917 --> 00:37:36,249
Jewish weddings. What a nightmare!
470
00:37:36,250 --> 00:37:38,616
My mother volunteered me as bridesmaid.
471
00:37:40,167 --> 00:37:43,330
Hey, how come they haven't played
"Feelings" yet?
472
00:37:43,333 --> 00:37:45,415
* Feelings
473
00:37:48,208 --> 00:37:51,325
- * Nothing more...
- Listen, did you want to dance?
474
00:37:53,083 --> 00:37:56,246
Leon, I've danced with three accountants,
475
00:37:56,250 --> 00:37:59,413
two merchant bankers,
a management consultant
476
00:37:59,417 --> 00:38:01,499
and a dentist.
477
00:38:02,625 --> 00:38:04,286
Why not?
478
00:38:06,667 --> 00:38:08,999
* Oh, those teardrops...
479
00:38:09,000 --> 00:38:11,412
But is dancing with the caterer allowed?
480
00:38:11,417 --> 00:38:13,783
You tell me. Is it adventurous enough?
481
00:38:14,917 --> 00:38:17,033
I'm willing to make an exception.
482
00:38:17,042 --> 00:38:19,158
Ah-ha! The happy couple.
483
00:38:19,167 --> 00:38:20,998
- No.
- No.
484
00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:24,788
- Put your arm round there.
- They just left, I think, for Marbella.
485
00:38:24,792 --> 00:38:26,202
Bastards.
486
00:38:26,208 --> 00:38:28,790
Well, you'll have to do, then. Smile.
487
00:38:30,875 --> 00:38:35,164
* Oh, feelings
488
00:38:35,167 --> 00:38:39,410
* For all my life I'll feel it
489
00:38:41,708 --> 00:38:46,873
* I wish I'd never met you, girl...
490
00:39:12,833 --> 00:39:14,915
(Rings)
491
00:39:19,167 --> 00:39:20,703
Hello.
492
00:39:21,833 --> 00:39:23,414
Hi.
493
00:39:23,417 --> 00:39:24,953
Really?
494
00:39:28,708 --> 00:39:30,790
Can I call you back?
495
00:39:37,625 --> 00:39:39,707
- Who was that?
- A friend.
496
00:39:43,042 --> 00:39:46,910
We're going parachuting this afternoon.
Have you ever jumped?
497
00:39:46,917 --> 00:39:48,703
No.
498
00:39:51,708 --> 00:39:53,869
I hear you've got a girlfriend now.
499
00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:58,697
- I think it's good for you to spread your wings.
- Look, Lisa...
500
00:39:58,708 --> 00:40:01,040
Don't worry about it, Leon.
501
00:40:01,042 --> 00:40:03,158
These things happen.
502
00:40:03,167 --> 00:40:05,328
You'd better be going.
503
00:40:09,083 --> 00:40:10,744
Leon.
504
00:40:13,333 --> 00:40:15,665
I won't feel guilty if you don't.
505
00:40:15,667 --> 00:40:17,749
Done.
506
00:40:24,708 --> 00:40:26,790
(Sighs)
507
00:40:39,417 --> 00:40:41,328
Excuse me.
508
00:40:41,333 --> 00:40:43,244
How do you feel?
509
00:40:43,250 --> 00:40:45,536
- Guilty as hell.
- So you should.
510
00:40:48,458 --> 00:40:50,574
You two-timing bastard!
511
00:40:50,583 --> 00:40:52,699
By David Street.
512
00:40:52,708 --> 00:40:54,790
I can't see it myself.
513
00:40:58,625 --> 00:41:00,741
It's all junk.
514
00:41:00,750 --> 00:41:02,866
It lacks passion.
515
00:41:02,875 --> 00:41:05,582
There's no pain. No pain, no guilt. Nothing!
516
00:41:06,708 --> 00:41:08,824
There's something so intense...
517
00:41:08,833 --> 00:41:10,915
about Jews.
518
00:41:13,000 --> 00:41:15,082
Other men just seem like dead meat.
519
00:41:21,417 --> 00:41:23,874
Excuse me, sir. No touching the exhibits.
520
00:41:23,875 --> 00:41:25,991
Sorry.
521
00:41:26,000 --> 00:41:28,537
Two women in less than 24 hours.
522
00:41:28,542 --> 00:41:31,454
- That is a good title.
- No, I'm referring to you.
523
00:41:31,458 --> 00:41:33,790
You think I don't feel guilty?
524
00:41:33,792 --> 00:41:35,908
Oh, don't get me wrong, I envy you.
525
00:41:35,917 --> 00:41:38,033
The man of principle.
526
00:41:38,042 --> 00:41:40,454
He lies to his family. He lies to his girl.
527
00:41:40,458 --> 00:41:42,369
Lies? What lies?
528
00:41:42,375 --> 00:41:43,956
White lies.
529
00:41:43,958 --> 00:41:46,074
You go for it, mate.
530
00:41:46,083 --> 00:41:48,199
Good on you.
531
00:41:48,208 --> 00:41:51,041
Look, what people don't know can't harm them.
532
00:41:51,042 --> 00:41:53,158
You want to see this Jewish girl?
533
00:41:53,167 --> 00:41:56,239
- Why do you see the blonde, then?
- Have you seen her?
534
00:41:56,250 --> 00:41:59,287
Look, I'm just a little confused. Is that all right?
535
00:41:59,292 --> 00:42:01,624
Believe me, the Jewish girl...
536
00:42:01,625 --> 00:42:03,741
- Lisa.
- Lisa.
537
00:42:03,750 --> 00:42:06,082
You see, she likes the danger
538
00:42:06,083 --> 00:42:08,199
and you, you are safety.
539
00:42:08,208 --> 00:42:10,324
For her, you are... dull.
540
00:42:10,333 --> 00:42:14,121
Point taken. So, do you think
Madeleine is more serious, then?
541
00:42:14,125 --> 00:42:15,865
Yes.
542
00:42:15,875 --> 00:42:17,786
Well, maybe.
543
00:42:17,792 --> 00:42:19,498
Er, no.
544
00:42:24,250 --> 00:42:26,366
- Leon!
- Elliot.
545
00:42:26,375 --> 00:42:28,491
- How are things?
- Fine. Fine.
546
00:42:28,500 --> 00:42:31,572
- What are you doing here?
- I'm afraid I can't say.
547
00:42:31,583 --> 00:42:33,665
- Business.
- Business?
548
00:42:35,333 --> 00:42:37,449
Not with Vitelli?
549
00:42:37,458 --> 00:42:41,656
The Dickens deal fell through.
He's very keen on that leisure centre.
550
00:42:41,667 --> 00:42:43,783
It's either this place or the Tate.
551
00:42:43,792 --> 00:42:45,908
Madeleine, can we go?
552
00:42:45,917 --> 00:42:48,203
- Well, well.
- Who's your friend?
553
00:42:51,333 --> 00:42:53,449
Elliot. Madeleine Burrs.
554
00:42:53,458 --> 00:42:55,369
- Elliot?
- Cohen.
555
00:42:55,375 --> 00:42:57,457
Oh, are you Jewish, too?
556
00:42:59,542 --> 00:43:01,624
Every inch.
557
00:43:04,750 --> 00:43:06,866
Yeah, look, I've got to go.
558
00:43:06,875 --> 00:43:08,957
Er, it's erm... nice to meet you.
559
00:43:13,125 --> 00:43:14,786
See you.
560
00:43:24,458 --> 00:43:26,540
Interesting texture.
561
00:43:28,542 --> 00:43:30,954
Yeah. What is it?
562
00:43:30,958 --> 00:43:33,040
Sperm.
563
00:43:34,750 --> 00:43:36,866
How are you?
564
00:43:36,875 --> 00:43:40,538
- Nervous.
- Of course. Of course. Only to be expected.
565
00:43:40,542 --> 00:43:42,658
- Can I get you a coffee?
- No.
566
00:43:42,667 --> 00:43:43,907
Tea?
567
00:43:43,917 --> 00:43:45,202
No.
568
00:43:45,208 --> 00:43:46,948
Have you got the results?
569
00:43:46,958 --> 00:43:48,869
Well?
570
00:43:48,875 --> 00:43:52,367
Don't you think a sense of humour
is very important in life?
571
00:43:52,375 --> 00:43:54,491
- What?
- I do.
572
00:43:54,500 --> 00:43:56,616
Oh... Oh, my God.
573
00:43:56,625 --> 00:43:58,741
Oh, my God. I've failed!
574
00:43:58,750 --> 00:44:04,120
Seeing the funny side of things is the only trait
mankind has the animal kingdom doesn't.
575
00:44:04,125 --> 00:44:07,413
- I can't have children?
- Your sperm count is fine.
576
00:44:07,417 --> 00:44:10,864
- Really?
- Well, a little below normal.
577
00:44:10,875 --> 00:44:13,366
- But nothing to worry about.
- Really?
578
00:44:13,375 --> 00:44:15,457
(Laughs hysterically)
579
00:44:16,583 --> 00:44:19,620
How much do you know
about artificial insemination?
580
00:44:19,625 --> 00:44:22,788
It's all right. I've got all that out of my system.
581
00:44:22,792 --> 00:44:26,034
I mean, my father is my father
and my mother is my mother.
582
00:44:26,042 --> 00:44:28,124
Please sit down.
583
00:44:29,667 --> 00:44:31,328
I'm sorry.
584
00:44:33,500 --> 00:44:35,616
You're going to laugh at this.
585
00:44:35,625 --> 00:44:39,447
- You're going to find this funny. I know you will.
- What?
586
00:44:43,333 --> 00:44:45,449
What do you see?
587
00:44:45,458 --> 00:44:48,780
- Two test tubes.
- Any differences?
588
00:44:48,792 --> 00:44:50,908
Not... not really.
589
00:44:50,917 --> 00:44:52,248
Exactly.
590
00:44:53,375 --> 00:44:55,491
What do you mean, "exactly"?
591
00:44:55,500 --> 00:44:58,822
You're determined to make this difficult for me.
592
00:45:00,083 --> 00:45:07,831
All right. The only way to tell these identical test
tubes apart is to look at the number on the label.
593
00:45:07,833 --> 00:45:11,325
This is number 20518. This is number 20516.
594
00:45:11,333 --> 00:45:13,665
And?
595
00:45:13,667 --> 00:45:18,240
Number 20518 contains the frozen sperm
of Mr Sidney Geller of Edgware.
596
00:45:18,250 --> 00:45:21,242
Number 20516 contains the frozen sperm of...
597
00:45:21,250 --> 00:45:26,495
Mr Brian Chadwick, Lower Dinthorpe,
Yorkshire.
598
00:45:30,958 --> 00:45:35,406
It's the sort of crazy mistake
that should never happen but does.
599
00:45:35,417 --> 00:45:37,499
One in a million.
600
00:45:39,167 --> 00:45:41,249
You mixed them up?
601
00:45:44,958 --> 00:45:47,745
- You mixed them up?!
- One day you'll laugh.
602
00:45:49,083 --> 00:45:51,199
How could you do that?
603
00:45:51,208 --> 00:45:55,281
Oh, you're fine on your genetic tampering,
mixing a buttercup with a daisy,
604
00:45:55,292 --> 00:46:00,082
- but you can't pick up the right bloody test tube!
- Science is not to blame. It was human error.
605
00:46:00,083 --> 00:46:02,870
- We only discovered the mistake today.
- Mistake?
606
00:46:02,875 --> 00:46:07,619
Thankfully, we got it right with your two brothers.
Well, strictly speaking,
607
00:46:07,625 --> 00:46:09,661
half-brothers.
608
00:46:09,667 --> 00:46:11,703
Chadwick.
609
00:46:11,708 --> 00:46:14,666
- I don't know what to say.
- Dad, one in a million. One day...
610
00:46:14,667 --> 00:46:18,956
Don't give me that one in a million. They
got the test tubes mixed up. I can't believe it.
611
00:46:18,958 --> 00:46:21,074
- Bert Chadwick.
- Brian. Brian.
612
00:46:21,083 --> 00:46:24,200
Darling, how could they have got
the test tubes mixed up?
613
00:46:24,208 --> 00:46:27,951
- Haven't you been listening?
- I mean, don't they have safeguards?
614
00:46:27,958 --> 00:46:30,165
All of a sudden you're a biology expert?
615
00:46:30,167 --> 00:46:33,239
- Damn it, I'm trying to get to the bottom of this.
(Phone rings)
616
00:46:33,250 --> 00:46:36,287
- If you haven't anything constructive to...
- Yes?
617
00:46:37,333 --> 00:46:40,075
Do we want to play canasta with the Sheinfelds?
618
00:46:40,083 --> 00:46:42,199
Do we look as if we want to play canasta?!
619
00:46:42,208 --> 00:46:44,745
- I mean, I'm no scientist...
- (Whispers)
620
00:46:44,750 --> 00:46:47,822
...but how could they do such a thing?
- I'll call you back.
621
00:46:47,833 --> 00:46:49,243
They froze it.
622
00:46:49,250 --> 00:46:52,617
I presume they kept it in the fridge.
Was it put in the wrong section?
623
00:46:52,625 --> 00:46:54,707
Look, Dad, I told you what happened.
624
00:46:54,708 --> 00:46:58,906
And they didn't make the same mistake
with Nat and Harvey. Well, that's something.
625
00:46:58,917 --> 00:47:01,033
That's right. Just me.
626
00:47:01,042 --> 00:47:03,033
I just don't know what to say.
627
00:47:03,042 --> 00:47:08,162
What did they think they were doing,
these bargain-basement gynaecologists?
628
00:47:08,167 --> 00:47:11,614
Bert Chadwick. Lower Dinthorpe. What Is that?
629
00:47:11,625 --> 00:47:13,741
That's a village in Yorkshire.
630
00:47:13,750 --> 00:47:17,698
Oh, how beautiful.
Doesn't that sound lovely, Sidney?
631
00:47:17,708 --> 00:47:21,576
Can I sue them? I can sue them.
I'm going to sue!
632
00:47:21,583 --> 00:47:24,541
Listen, it is me they gave the stuff to.
633
00:47:24,542 --> 00:47:26,658
What's with "the stuff"?
634
00:47:26,667 --> 00:47:28,783
Can't you say it? Sperm. Sperm!
635
00:47:28,792 --> 00:47:32,705
You got another man's sperm.
My God, it's rape. They raped my wife.
636
00:47:32,708 --> 00:47:35,996
Dad, I think that's a bit much.
At worst, it's adultery.
637
00:47:36,000 --> 00:47:39,288
A man works all his life, raises his son,
638
00:47:39,292 --> 00:47:43,160
sees him through his Bar Mitzvah,
gets him his first golf clubs,
639
00:47:43,167 --> 00:47:45,704
and then finds out he isn't even his own son.
640
00:47:45,708 --> 00:47:47,790
Of course he's our son.
641
00:47:49,167 --> 00:47:51,249
I don't know what to think.
642
00:47:52,458 --> 00:47:54,574
Is he Jewish?
643
00:47:54,583 --> 00:47:59,907
Well, thanks a lot, Dad. Maybe you'd like
to charge me for 20-odd years of back rent.
644
00:48:02,917 --> 00:48:05,283
Did you have to say that?
645
00:48:05,292 --> 00:48:07,999
I've got to tell you something.
I need to talk to you.
646
00:48:08,000 --> 00:48:10,742
- What is it?
- I went to the sperm bank.
647
00:48:10,750 --> 00:48:12,832
You're not going to believe this.
648
00:48:13,875 --> 00:48:16,833
They mixed up the test tubes.... years ago.
649
00:48:16,833 --> 00:48:18,949
Can you believe it? They...
650
00:48:18,958 --> 00:48:21,370
Well, anyway, my father, my dad....
651
00:48:21,375 --> 00:48:23,491
Jesus, it's such a mess.
652
00:48:23,500 --> 00:48:26,333
But I've decided, you see.... My real father...
653
00:48:27,500 --> 00:48:29,582
My real father is...
654
00:48:34,625 --> 00:48:35,910
Elliot?
655
00:48:35,917 --> 00:48:38,033
Leon.
656
00:48:38,042 --> 00:48:40,158
Hi.
657
00:48:40,167 --> 00:48:41,953
Elliot?
658
00:48:41,958 --> 00:48:45,621
Madeleine, are you sure this is safe?
It feels a little wobbly.
659
00:48:46,667 --> 00:48:51,081
- What on earth is going on?
- He's a perfect Messiah. A beardless Christ.
660
00:48:51,083 --> 00:48:54,575
- He's an estate agent.
- Rubbish, he's a fashion designer.
661
00:48:54,583 --> 00:48:57,655
OK, all right, so I'm an estate agent. So what?
662
00:48:57,667 --> 00:49:01,239
Not so long ago, you were. What's the big deal?
663
00:49:01,250 --> 00:49:02,740
An estate agent?
664
00:49:02,750 --> 00:49:05,537
- You're not a sculptor?
ELLIOT: Sculptor?
665
00:49:05,542 --> 00:49:08,284
Leon? He's a caterer.
666
00:49:08,292 --> 00:49:12,035
- Listen, can you get me down off this?
- Have you.... Have you two...
667
00:49:12,042 --> 00:49:14,078
- Not yet.
- Not ever.
668
00:49:14,083 --> 00:49:16,916
- But I've spent hours on this bloody thing.
- Too bad.
669
00:49:16,917 --> 00:49:21,616
- Caterer?
- I'm working with my mother. It's only temporary
670
00:49:21,625 --> 00:49:25,493
You could've worked for your father...
selling net curtains.
671
00:49:27,083 --> 00:49:29,165
OK, OK, I used to be an estate agent.
672
00:49:30,333 --> 00:49:32,745
And my family run a net curtains business.
673
00:49:33,792 --> 00:49:38,661
And I'm not a sculptor and I have been working
for my mother's catering business.
674
00:49:38,667 --> 00:49:41,204
But these are all small things, Madeleine.
675
00:49:41,208 --> 00:49:44,700
Are you even... Jewish?
676
00:49:45,792 --> 00:49:49,455
Well... that... that's what I have to find out.
677
00:49:49,458 --> 00:49:52,074
My mother is, which is the important thing.
678
00:49:52,083 --> 00:49:55,746
But, you see, my father, my real father....
679
00:49:55,750 --> 00:49:58,662
- Get out.
- No, look...
680
00:49:58,667 --> 00:50:00,658
Get out!
681
00:50:16,458 --> 00:50:18,949
(Crucifix clatters to floor)
682
00:50:33,167 --> 00:50:35,909
- Have you got a minute?
- It's a bit difficult.
683
00:50:35,917 --> 00:50:39,455
I'm having a Buddhist evening. Jeremy's
coming.
684
00:50:39,458 --> 00:50:43,280
- Jeremy?
- Jeremy Stein. And David Goldberg.
685
00:50:43,292 --> 00:50:45,704
- You're more than welcome.
- Not my scene.
686
00:50:47,333 --> 00:50:50,370
I didn't think so. What's up?
687
00:50:50,375 --> 00:50:52,491
It's a long story.
688
00:50:52,500 --> 00:50:54,616
(Buddhist chanting)
689
00:50:54,625 --> 00:50:56,286
I told you about the clinic,
690
00:50:56,292 --> 00:50:58,499
about the artificial insemination.
691
00:50:58,500 --> 00:51:01,788
- Well, it turns out...
- It'll have to be another time. Sorry.
692
00:51:01,792 --> 00:51:04,249
- Let's talk tomorrow.
- Lisa.
693
00:51:04,250 --> 00:51:06,241
Yes?
694
00:51:06,250 --> 00:51:08,957
- (Buddhist chanting)
- Nothing.
695
00:51:08,958 --> 00:51:11,040
- Good night.
- Good night.
696
00:51:33,083 --> 00:51:35,415
* THOMAS LANG: Nothing Ever Goes To Plan
697
00:51:35,417 --> 00:51:37,999
* Nothing ever goes to plan
698
00:51:39,458 --> 00:51:42,120
* Nothing works in the way that it can
699
00:51:43,000 --> 00:51:45,912
* No-one has the fortune they deserve
700
00:51:47,208 --> 00:51:50,700
* This is it, for better or worse
701
00:51:50,708 --> 00:51:54,872
* There's no escape if things stay on course
702
00:51:54,875 --> 00:51:57,491
* Just be certain that things will get worse
703
00:51:58,542 --> 00:52:03,161
* And if the world suddenly turned out fair
704
00:52:03,167 --> 00:52:04,828
* Stop it there
705
00:52:05,792 --> 00:52:07,874
* Nothing ever goes to plan
706
00:52:09,708 --> 00:52:13,280
* Your ambition should be left in a can
707
00:52:13,292 --> 00:52:16,364
* Never let a good idea grow
708
00:52:17,583 --> 00:52:21,155
* The use of knowledge is for those in the know
709
00:52:21,167 --> 00:52:25,331
* There's no escape if things stay on course
710
00:52:25,333 --> 00:52:27,949
* Just be certain that things will get worse
711
00:52:29,042 --> 00:52:33,661
* And if the world suddenly turned out fair
712
00:52:33,667 --> 00:52:35,749
* Stop it there...
713
00:53:01,792 --> 00:53:04,204
* You know there's no escape
714
00:53:04,208 --> 00:53:07,200
* If things stay on course
715
00:53:07,208 --> 00:53:10,655
* Just be certain that things will get worse
716
00:53:10,667 --> 00:53:15,536
* And if the world suddenly turned out fair
717
00:53:15,542 --> 00:53:18,079
* Stop it there
718
00:53:18,083 --> 00:53:20,165
* Nothing ever goes to plan
719
00:53:22,750 --> 00:53:25,787
* Nothing works in the way that it can
720
00:53:25,792 --> 00:53:30,161
* You're still expecting the sun to break
721
00:53:30,167 --> 00:53:32,874
* Get into the rain...
722
00:53:32,875 --> 00:53:34,957
(Bleating)
723
00:53:37,250 --> 00:53:40,697
Excuse me, is this the way to Lower Dinthorpe?
724
00:53:45,708 --> 00:53:47,915
It's a lovely flock you've got there.
725
00:53:47,917 --> 00:53:50,624
You a city type?
726
00:53:50,625 --> 00:53:53,913
- I suppose so.
- I thought so.
727
00:53:53,917 --> 00:53:56,408
At least you didn't hoot your blasted horn.
728
00:53:59,250 --> 00:54:01,741
Take the second turning on the left.
729
00:54:05,667 --> 00:54:08,864
* Nothing works in the way that it can
730
00:54:08,875 --> 00:54:13,323
* You're still expecting the sun to break
731
00:54:13,333 --> 00:54:15,619
* Get into the rain
732
00:54:17,875 --> 00:54:19,957
* I said nothing
733
00:54:21,917 --> 00:54:25,660
* No, no, no, I said nothing
734
00:54:27,833 --> 00:54:30,791
* Ever goes to plan
735
00:54:33,292 --> 00:54:35,408
* Nothing
736
00:54:35,417 --> 00:54:39,035
* No, no, no, I said nothing
737
00:54:43,167 --> 00:54:45,249
(Distant clattering)
738
00:54:51,333 --> 00:54:53,494
(Distant clattering and snuffling)
739
00:55:10,500 --> 00:55:12,582
(Knocks on door)
740
00:55:16,167 --> 00:55:18,283
MAN: Bloody hell.
741
00:55:18,292 --> 00:55:20,374
Who the bloody hell's that?
742
00:55:22,542 --> 00:55:24,624
(Rhythmic creaking)
743
00:55:38,125 --> 00:55:41,197
MAN: Well, I can't say
this hasn't come as a shock.
744
00:55:41,208 --> 00:55:43,290
Or a welcome surprise at any rate.
745
00:55:44,375 --> 00:55:49,324
I remember the day like it were yesterday.
August 4th 1961.
746
00:55:49,333 --> 00:55:53,451
Five quid I got.
In those days that were a lot of money.
747
00:55:53,458 --> 00:55:56,325
And you were born June 8th 1963.
748
00:55:56,333 --> 00:55:59,450
(Chuckles) Easiest fiver I ever earned.
749
00:56:00,500 --> 00:56:02,582
So they freeze it, do they?
750
00:56:04,292 --> 00:56:08,365
I went a few times.
Do you think there'll be many more of you, eh?
751
00:56:08,375 --> 00:56:10,491
(Laughs raucously)
752
00:56:10,500 --> 00:56:12,616
WOMAN: Brian, darling.
753
00:56:12,625 --> 00:56:14,707
It's good to have you home.
754
00:56:15,375 --> 00:56:18,117
- You haven't introduced Leon.
- Have I not?
755
00:56:18,125 --> 00:56:20,207
Well, now, you know Yvonne, my wife.
756
00:56:21,458 --> 00:56:25,747
And next to her is Keith.
Now my youngest son, eh, Keith?
757
00:56:26,708 --> 00:56:28,790
Keith likes to... cook.
758
00:56:29,833 --> 00:56:36,238
Wants to go off on some cordon bleu
continental cuisine cookery course in France.
759
00:56:36,250 --> 00:56:38,582
Now Leon's here you may get the chance.
760
00:56:38,583 --> 00:56:42,326
Then we'll all soon be eating
Roque-bloody- fort bloody soufflé.
761
00:56:43,792 --> 00:56:46,454
There's so much we don't know about you,
Leon.
762
00:56:46,458 --> 00:56:48,574
Your parents...
763
00:56:48,583 --> 00:56:50,699
- Judith.
- And Sidney.
764
00:56:50,708 --> 00:56:54,451
I've always admired the way
Jews believe in the family.
765
00:56:54,458 --> 00:56:56,540
BRIAN: That reminds me. Where was I?
766
00:56:57,583 --> 00:56:59,790
Then there's Keith's mother Beryl.
767
00:56:59,792 --> 00:57:01,908
Beryl was my first wife.
768
00:57:01,917 --> 00:57:04,033
And her husband Tony.
769
00:57:04,042 --> 00:57:08,115
And that's my brother Morgan
sitting next to Yvonne's sister Jane.
770
00:57:08,125 --> 00:57:12,789
Jane's ex-husband and fiancé John.
771
00:57:12,792 --> 00:57:14,908
Peter, our vet.
772
00:57:14,917 --> 00:57:20,412
My second ex-wife Cynthia
with her new boyfriend Trevor.
773
00:57:20,417 --> 00:57:23,204
Keith's girlfriend Cathy.
774
00:57:23,208 --> 00:57:27,281
And Kathy's teenage son... Luke.
775
00:57:28,333 --> 00:57:30,745
And that's just about it.
776
00:57:35,833 --> 00:57:38,119
Did you say vet?
777
00:57:38,125 --> 00:57:40,411
Aye, that's right. Peter.
778
00:57:41,500 --> 00:57:43,616
We're very close.
779
00:57:43,625 --> 00:57:46,697
You see, I don't believe
in forcing my pigs to breed.
780
00:57:46,708 --> 00:57:50,906
After all, they might not like each other,
they might not fancy each other.
781
00:57:50,917 --> 00:57:54,660
Or if they do fancy each other,
they might get emotionally involved.
782
00:57:54,667 --> 00:57:57,830
You see, there are two ways
of getting a sow pregnant.
783
00:57:57,833 --> 00:57:59,949
Artificial insemination.
784
00:57:59,958 --> 00:58:02,040
You're quick. Spot-on.
785
00:58:03,417 --> 00:58:06,864
Do you mind if I go to bed? It's been a long day.
786
00:58:06,875 --> 00:58:08,957
Righto.
787
00:58:17,583 --> 00:58:19,665
See you in the morning.
788
00:58:22,417 --> 00:58:24,032
Good night, Leon.
789
00:58:25,083 --> 00:58:26,789
KEITH: Sleep tight.
790
00:58:32,792 --> 00:58:34,532
(Knock at door)
791
00:58:36,375 --> 00:58:39,367
Wakey- wakey! Time to get up!
792
00:58:53,083 --> 00:58:55,415
(Sighs)
793
00:59:17,875 --> 00:59:20,491
(Brian and Yvonne chat in hushed tones)
794
01:00:00,250 --> 01:00:02,787
Oh, morning, Leon. Sleep well?
795
01:00:04,500 --> 01:00:06,582
Fine.
796
01:00:09,000 --> 01:00:12,117
Not in bad shape for a man my age, eh?
What do you think?
797
01:00:14,083 --> 01:00:18,873
Yvonne's in better shape, though.
Her muscle tone is quite outstanding.
798
01:00:18,875 --> 01:00:20,957
Incredible thighs.
799
01:00:22,292 --> 01:00:24,408
What's going on in here?
800
01:00:24,417 --> 01:00:28,160
No point in getting all spruced up.
Pigs can smell cleanliness.
801
01:00:29,500 --> 01:00:31,616
See what I mean?
802
01:00:31,625 --> 01:00:33,991
Imagine them wrapped around your waist.
803
01:00:40,125 --> 01:00:42,958
He wasn't talking about my thighs again,
was he?
804
01:00:44,083 --> 01:00:46,165
Er... I can't remember.
805
01:00:47,542 --> 01:00:50,249
Hurry up, you two.
806
01:00:50,250 --> 01:00:53,697
I've left some suitable clothes
on your bed for you, Leon.
807
01:00:53,708 --> 01:00:55,790
They should fit.
808
01:00:56,833 --> 01:00:58,949
That's enough, darling.
809
01:00:58,958 --> 01:01:01,040
Well, time for breakfast.
810
01:01:03,042 --> 01:01:05,124
(Whispers) Incredible.
811
01:01:10,833 --> 01:01:12,915
Oh, my God.
812
01:01:23,875 --> 01:01:26,617
I told you - just eggs for Leon.
813
01:01:27,667 --> 01:01:31,535
- Sorry.
KEITH: No. No, it's my fault.
814
01:01:31,542 --> 01:01:33,624
How would you like them, Leon?
815
01:01:34,708 --> 01:01:38,951
Scrambled...
with some thinly sliced smoked salmon,
816
01:01:38,958 --> 01:01:42,121
or lightly poached
with a sprinkling of fresh parsley?
817
01:01:44,875 --> 01:01:46,866
Boiled?
818
01:01:46,875 --> 01:01:48,957
Right.
819
01:01:50,333 --> 01:01:52,164
No problem.
820
01:01:52,167 --> 01:01:54,249
Thanks.
821
01:01:56,208 --> 01:01:58,324
So...
822
01:01:58,333 --> 01:02:00,415
what's to be done at this hour?
823
01:02:02,333 --> 01:02:04,449
Feeding? Mucking out?
824
01:02:04,458 --> 01:02:08,246
No. There's not a lot
you can do with pigs till nine.
825
01:02:08,250 --> 01:02:10,366
They're lazy buggers.
826
01:02:10,375 --> 01:02:12,491
But it's good to get up early.
827
01:02:12,500 --> 01:02:14,741
My father were always up at four.
828
01:02:14,750 --> 01:02:16,866
And his father before him.
829
01:02:16,875 --> 01:02:19,617
We Chadwicks have always been early risers.
830
01:02:33,083 --> 01:02:37,201
Well, I suppose we'd best go and wake 'em up.
831
01:02:44,458 --> 01:02:46,540
- Thanks.
- À point.
832
01:02:47,583 --> 01:02:50,996
So... when do you leave for Paris?
833
01:02:52,333 --> 01:02:54,415
A lot sooner than I thought.
834
01:03:06,458 --> 01:03:08,540
BRIAN: We're both so glad you came.
835
01:03:10,125 --> 01:03:12,867
BRIAN: I was doing a lot of thinking last night.
836
01:03:12,875 --> 01:03:14,991
LEON: Really?
- Aye.
837
01:03:15,000 --> 01:03:17,787
A lot of thinking. About the future.
838
01:03:19,250 --> 01:03:22,538
So, how many pigs are actually kept here?
839
01:03:23,583 --> 01:03:28,282
We're just a bog standard farm.
We're not rich, we're not poor. We're just right.
840
01:03:31,000 --> 01:03:33,491
There. Smell that.
841
01:03:33,500 --> 01:03:35,115
Ah.
842
01:03:36,167 --> 01:03:38,249
You can tell a happy pig by the smell.
843
01:03:39,292 --> 01:03:43,205
You see pigs pushed together,
cooped up in tiny cages.
844
01:03:43,208 --> 01:03:45,665
They look unhappy and they smell unhappy.
845
01:03:45,667 --> 01:03:48,534
And that makes for an unhappy piece of bacon.
846
01:03:53,792 --> 01:03:55,908
- Listen. Can you hear?
(Silence)
847
01:03:55,917 --> 01:03:57,999
They're still asleep.
848
01:04:04,417 --> 01:04:07,614
(Lively snorting and grunting)
849
01:04:07,625 --> 01:04:09,707
BRIAN: Crafty buggers.
850
01:04:10,792 --> 01:04:12,908
(Chuckles)
851
01:04:12,917 --> 01:04:14,999
(Squealing and grunting)
852
01:04:23,000 --> 01:04:24,615
(Heavy thud)
853
01:04:25,667 --> 01:04:27,783
- Leon.
- (Mumbles) Unclean.
854
01:04:27,792 --> 01:04:29,908
- No, Leon.
- Unclean.
855
01:04:29,917 --> 01:04:32,875
Come on. Let's get you up. That's it.
856
01:04:35,333 --> 01:04:36,994
Uhhh.
857
01:04:38,042 --> 01:04:41,660
- Take it away, Brian.
BRIAN: But look, he's so sweet.
858
01:04:41,667 --> 01:04:43,749
- Away.
- (Brian tuts)
859
01:04:47,000 --> 01:04:49,582
(Phone rings)
- Brian, can you get that?
860
01:04:57,792 --> 01:04:59,874
YVONNE: Chadwicks Pig Farm.
861
01:05:01,583 --> 01:05:04,199
YVONNE: Hello?
862
01:05:04,208 --> 01:05:07,280
Oh. Oh, yes. Just a moment.
863
01:05:07,292 --> 01:05:10,204
Leon, it's for you. Your mother.
864
01:05:22,625 --> 01:05:23,865
Yes?
865
01:05:23,875 --> 01:05:26,116
Leon...
866
01:05:26,125 --> 01:05:28,241
Did she say farm?
867
01:05:28,250 --> 01:05:30,491
That's right. How did you get hold of me?
868
01:05:30,500 --> 01:05:32,616
I am your mother, Leon.
869
01:05:32,625 --> 01:05:34,741
Did she say pig farm?
870
01:05:34,750 --> 01:05:36,866
LEON: Yes.
871
01:05:36,875 --> 01:05:40,493
Pigs. Are they nice? The Chadwicks, I mean.
872
01:05:41,583 --> 01:05:44,541
Yes, very nice. Why are you whispering?
873
01:05:44,542 --> 01:05:47,864
In case your father hears. You did say pigs?
874
01:05:47,875 --> 01:05:50,947
(Whispers) Yes.
Four legs, a snout and a curly tail.
875
01:05:50,958 --> 01:05:54,075
(Whispers) Pigs. What am I going to tell him?
876
01:05:54,083 --> 01:05:56,540
For God's sake, don't tell him anything.
877
01:05:56,542 --> 01:05:58,658
When are you coming back?
878
01:05:58,667 --> 01:06:01,204
I don't know. I haven't been here a day yet.
879
01:06:01,208 --> 01:06:02,869
Soon?
880
01:06:02,875 --> 01:06:04,991
I'm not sure. It depends.
881
01:06:05,000 --> 01:06:07,116
- Mum?
- Yes?
882
01:06:07,125 --> 01:06:09,241
Not a word to Dad.
883
01:06:09,250 --> 01:06:12,117
I wouldn't know how to start.
884
01:06:14,750 --> 01:06:16,706
BRIAN: Peter!
885
01:06:16,708 --> 01:06:19,950
Peter! You remember my son Leon, don't you?
886
01:06:21,083 --> 01:06:23,199
Nice to meet you.
887
01:06:23,208 --> 01:06:26,530
I felt at least three in Trudy. Not bad for her age.
888
01:06:26,542 --> 01:06:30,239
Fantastic. What a girl, eh, Leon?
Clarissa had five last week.
889
01:06:30,250 --> 01:06:33,993
- I think we've nearly perfected the technique.
- Could be, could be.
890
01:06:34,000 --> 01:06:38,619
I want Leon to help you today. He's a bit
squeamish about some things. Most things.
891
01:06:38,625 --> 01:06:41,788
- I could use a hand with Janet.
- Is Janet pregnant?
892
01:06:41,792 --> 01:06:44,829
She will be when you've had done with her.
(Cackles)
893
01:06:48,208 --> 01:06:50,324
(Pig grunts)
894
01:06:50,333 --> 01:06:52,415
Clamp.
895
01:06:54,125 --> 01:06:57,322
I haven't got all day.
I've got to be at Lewis's at four.
896
01:06:58,542 --> 01:07:00,658
- The sheep farmer?
- That's right.
897
01:07:00,667 --> 01:07:03,409
- Pigs, sheep, goats.
- (Agitated grunting)
898
01:07:03,417 --> 01:07:05,533
All the good Lord's creatures.
899
01:07:05,542 --> 01:07:09,330
OK, we're nearly ready here.
Can you find me the syringe?
900
01:07:14,417 --> 01:07:17,955
- Got it.
- Take three drops from the test tube on the left.
901
01:07:21,625 --> 01:07:23,707
Got yourself a girl back in London?
902
01:07:24,792 --> 01:07:27,329
- Not really.
- Got to find yourself a mate.
903
01:07:27,333 --> 01:07:29,745
It ain't natural not to have a mate.
904
01:07:29,750 --> 01:07:33,413
As the Lord said,
you shouldn't spill your seed on the ground.
905
01:07:33,417 --> 01:07:35,533
Three drops. No more, no less.
906
01:07:35,542 --> 01:07:38,375
(Agitated grunting)
907
01:07:38,375 --> 01:07:41,162
(Pats sow) Ssh. Ssh.
908
01:07:41,167 --> 01:07:43,499
(Groans) I think I've done it.
909
01:07:43,500 --> 01:07:45,582
Come on, pass it over.
910
01:07:50,333 --> 01:07:52,745
(Grunting and squelching)
911
01:07:56,750 --> 01:07:58,832
There. Done.
912
01:08:00,625 --> 01:08:03,458
BRIAN: It's the pigs, isn't it? You don't like them.
913
01:08:03,458 --> 01:08:06,245
- No, no, I do. I do.
- Who's your favourite?
914
01:08:06,250 --> 01:08:08,366
Well, I like er...
915
01:08:08,375 --> 01:08:10,616
- Trudy?
- Yes. Trudy.
916
01:08:10,625 --> 01:08:13,037
- I like Trudy. And er...
- And Belinda.
917
01:08:13,042 --> 01:08:16,364
- I know she likes you.
- Look, the point is it's not the pigs.
918
01:08:16,375 --> 01:08:18,991
- Then what is it, Leon?
- I don't know.
919
01:08:19,000 --> 01:08:21,366
- I suppose I'm just homesick.
- Well...
920
01:08:23,042 --> 01:08:25,704
...what if we made this more like your old home?
921
01:08:25,708 --> 01:08:28,745
- Would that help?
- If we were more like Sidney and Judith?
922
01:08:28,750 --> 01:08:30,991
- No, that's ridiculous.
- It's a good idea.
923
01:08:31,000 --> 01:08:34,072
- I saw Ben Hur. He was Jewish.
- You're not being serious.
924
01:08:34,083 --> 01:08:35,994
And I know a bit about the Koran.
925
01:08:36,000 --> 01:08:38,742
Darling, that's for Muslims.
926
01:08:38,750 --> 01:08:43,369
We're talking about 5,000 years of tradition...
of persecution.
927
01:08:44,417 --> 01:08:46,499
- Of guilt.
- So?
928
01:08:47,667 --> 01:08:50,374
We can try, can't we?
929
01:08:51,542 --> 01:08:53,658
(Leon slurps)
930
01:08:53,667 --> 01:08:55,749
- More salt.
YVONNE: Salt?
931
01:08:59,375 --> 01:09:01,491
(Slurps)
932
01:09:01,500 --> 01:09:03,616
Still a bit tasteless.
933
01:09:03,625 --> 01:09:07,243
Keith, are you sure you got a boiling fowl?
KEITH: Er, Leon...
934
01:09:09,875 --> 01:09:12,457
I actually bought four poussins instead.
935
01:09:12,458 --> 01:09:14,790
They have a delightfully subtle aroma.
936
01:09:14,792 --> 01:09:18,410
Keith, chicken soup is not
some nouvelle cuisine delicacy.
937
01:09:18,417 --> 01:09:21,909
- It's not?
- Have you got some... fat?
938
01:09:21,917 --> 01:09:24,033
Fat.
939
01:09:24,042 --> 01:09:26,158
YVONNE: Not another inch!
940
01:09:26,167 --> 01:09:28,283
Out of my kitchen!
941
01:09:28,292 --> 01:09:30,374
What for?
942
01:09:34,625 --> 01:09:36,707
Not bad.
943
01:09:39,083 --> 01:09:41,074
Not bad at all.
944
01:09:44,042 --> 01:09:46,124
YVONNE: Mm. Good, huh?
945
01:10:03,208 --> 01:10:04,948
(Brian mutters)
946
01:10:04,958 --> 01:10:07,040
* Traditional Jewish music
947
01:10:55,000 --> 01:10:57,082
(Pigs grunt)
948
01:12:01,958 --> 01:12:04,074
LEON: HI.
949
01:12:04,083 --> 01:12:06,165
I see Debbie Caplan's engaged.
950
01:12:07,500 --> 01:12:11,789
Leon, I'm saying nothing. But you'll
never meet the right girl if you don't look.
951
01:12:11,792 --> 01:12:13,783
- This is the most stupid game.
- Brian.
952
01:12:13,792 --> 01:12:16,499
- What?
- Tell him to find someone and settle down.
953
01:12:16,500 --> 01:12:18,741
- Do people really play this?
- Brian.
954
01:12:18,750 --> 01:12:22,948
(Yiddish accent) You know vot you always
need? Your health. Good health, you need.
955
01:12:22,958 --> 01:12:26,906
- And a wife.
- Look, I have a girlfriend back in London.
956
01:12:26,917 --> 01:12:30,705
Leon! Well, why didn't you say?
957
01:12:30,708 --> 01:12:33,745
She's not Jewish. I knew it, I knew it.
958
01:12:33,750 --> 01:12:35,866
She Is Jewish. She is.
959
01:12:35,875 --> 01:12:40,414
Sh... she's just not really a girlfriend.
More of a friend.
960
01:12:40,417 --> 01:12:43,580
(Yiddish accent) Who needs friends?
You want a family, a home.
961
01:12:43,583 --> 01:12:45,699
Do we have to talk about this?
962
01:12:45,708 --> 01:12:47,790
Noo?
963
01:12:49,125 --> 01:12:51,207
Dinner's ready.
964
01:12:53,458 --> 01:12:55,574
I need a holiday.
965
01:12:55,583 --> 01:12:57,699
Oy. Don't start with the holidays.
966
01:12:57,708 --> 01:12:59,915
(Knock at door)
967
01:12:59,917 --> 01:13:02,033
Got a minute?
968
01:13:02,042 --> 01:13:04,158
- Me?
- Need me?
969
01:13:04,167 --> 01:13:06,249
We'll manage.
970
01:13:07,833 --> 01:13:10,745
The South of France
is very nice this time of year.
971
01:13:13,042 --> 01:13:14,703
Or Eilat.
972
01:13:20,208 --> 01:13:22,324
Jesus.
973
01:13:22,333 --> 01:13:24,369
What is it?
974
01:13:24,375 --> 01:13:26,661
Well, offhand I'd say it was part pig...
975
01:13:28,042 --> 01:13:30,374
...part sheep.
976
01:13:30,375 --> 01:13:34,243
Are you sure it's not just... an odd pig?
977
01:13:34,250 --> 01:13:36,582
- (Bleating)
- Pretty sure.
978
01:13:37,625 --> 01:13:39,741
You must've got the wrong test tube.
979
01:13:39,750 --> 01:13:41,832
Christ.
980
01:13:45,917 --> 01:13:48,033
- How's Janet?
- She's fine.
981
01:13:48,042 --> 01:13:50,158
Brian's going to take this bad.
982
01:13:50,167 --> 01:13:52,658
He don't like no-one messing with his pigs.
983
01:13:53,875 --> 01:13:55,957
What are you going to do?
984
01:13:59,000 --> 01:14:01,082
No... no idea.
985
01:14:06,958 --> 01:14:09,074
- (Sighs)
- (Bleating and grunting)
986
01:14:09,083 --> 01:14:12,621
You expect me to wash and clean after you,
987
01:14:12,625 --> 01:14:15,947
but a holiday is too much to expect.
988
01:14:15,958 --> 01:14:18,825
BRIAN: Everything OK?
- Yeah.
989
01:14:19,875 --> 01:14:23,413
It's all right for you.
You haven't been slaving over a hot stove.
990
01:14:23,417 --> 01:14:27,410
Neither have you.
Our schmock of a son's been doing that.
991
01:14:27,417 --> 01:14:30,489
- Leon, will you eat something?
- I'm not a schmock.
992
01:14:30,500 --> 01:14:33,617
YVONNE: Leon, listen to your father. Eat.
993
01:14:33,625 --> 01:14:37,072
- Anyway, the word is schmuck.
- Are you sure?
994
01:14:37,083 --> 01:14:39,540
I was certain it was schmock.
995
01:14:39,542 --> 01:14:42,284
Schmuck, definitely.
996
01:14:52,083 --> 01:14:54,950
Either schmuck or schmock.
997
01:14:54,958 --> 01:14:59,452
But you could be safe and go for nudnik.
What would you say, Leon?
998
01:14:59,458 --> 01:15:01,244
Too Jewish.
999
01:15:02,292 --> 01:15:04,908
Look, you're just fulfilling stereotypes.
1000
01:15:04,917 --> 01:15:08,865
You don't understand
the fundamental concept of guilt.
1001
01:15:08,875 --> 01:15:11,207
Without guilt, it's meaningless.
1002
01:15:11,208 --> 01:15:13,324
Guilt isn't a word, it's...
1003
01:15:13,333 --> 01:15:15,415
it's a way of life.
1004
01:15:16,667 --> 01:15:18,373
I think I do.
1005
01:15:18,375 --> 01:15:20,457
Do what?
1006
01:15:21,500 --> 01:15:24,037
Understand the concept of guilt.
1007
01:15:24,042 --> 01:15:26,909
I've just realised....
1008
01:15:26,917 --> 01:15:30,034
...I used pig's liver.
(Cutlery clatters)
1009
01:15:31,125 --> 01:15:33,241
BRIAN: Quick, get him some water.
1010
01:15:33,250 --> 01:15:35,332
He's going to be sick.
1011
01:15:37,750 --> 01:15:39,832
YVONNE: Get a bowl.
1012
01:15:46,875 --> 01:15:48,957
Good.
1013
01:16:15,417 --> 01:16:17,999
Rabbi Hertzman. Rabbi Jolson.
1014
01:16:18,000 --> 01:16:21,572
- Good of you to come so quickly.
- No problem, it's on expenses.
1015
01:16:21,583 --> 01:16:24,700
I don't have long,
I'm double-parked at King's Cross.
1016
01:16:24,708 --> 01:16:26,699
Now, who is the owner of this farm?
1017
01:16:26,708 --> 01:16:28,824
- My father.
- Your father?
1018
01:16:28,833 --> 01:16:30,949
A pig farm?
1019
01:16:30,958 --> 01:16:32,994
It's a long story.
1020
01:16:33,000 --> 01:16:35,036
Sounds fascinating.
1021
01:16:38,875 --> 01:16:41,708
LEON: He knows nothing about it. It's a secret.
1022
01:16:41,708 --> 01:16:44,120
- I don't want to upset him.
- Why?
1023
01:16:44,125 --> 01:16:47,993
He's a bit of a... traditionalist.
1024
01:16:55,458 --> 01:16:57,790
JOLSON: Phwoar.
HERTZMAN: Eeugh.
1025
01:17:07,708 --> 01:17:09,824
Well, Rabbi Hertzman?
1026
01:17:09,833 --> 01:17:11,949
What do you think?
1027
01:17:11,958 --> 01:17:14,040
Well...
1028
01:17:17,417 --> 01:17:19,533
- Rabbi Jolson?
- Well, what?
1029
01:17:19,542 --> 01:17:23,535
- The only question is, will it taste like bacon?
- (Bleating and grunting)
1030
01:17:23,542 --> 01:17:28,241
On the one hand, it must be said...
this is a very difficult question.
1031
01:17:29,333 --> 01:17:34,703
And on the other hand....
this is a very difficult question.
1032
01:17:34,708 --> 01:17:38,326
Will it smell like bacon? Will it grill like bacon?
1033
01:17:39,375 --> 01:17:42,742
- I can't wait to tell my congregation.
- Very difficult.
1034
01:17:42,750 --> 01:17:45,162
- Kosher hams.
- (Bleating and grunting)
1035
01:17:53,583 --> 01:17:56,325
- Well?
- I'll have to consult the Chief Rabbi.
1036
01:17:56,333 --> 01:18:00,622
Consult! All you people do is consult.
It's fine by me. It's 100% kosher.
1037
01:18:00,625 --> 01:18:03,458
- There's a principle involved here.
- Principle!
1038
01:18:03,458 --> 01:18:06,655
- What principle?
- Believe me, there's always a principle.
1039
01:18:06,667 --> 01:18:09,329
- I'm reminded of the story of Noah.
- Who?
1040
01:18:09,333 --> 01:18:11,949
- You know... Noah, the Flood.
- Oh, the Flood.
1041
01:18:11,958 --> 01:18:14,495
- We had a flood in our synagogue.
- What?
1042
01:18:14,500 --> 01:18:17,663
- The whole building flooded.
- Did you save the scrolls?
1043
01:18:17,667 --> 01:18:20,079
Scrolls? We keep our service on floppy disk.
1044
01:18:20,083 --> 01:18:22,995
With all due respect,
you're talking out of your arse.
1045
01:18:23,000 --> 01:18:26,618
- I'm talking outta my ass?!
- What exactly do I tell my father?
1046
01:18:26,625 --> 01:18:29,788
- (Both shout at once)
- What do I tell my father?
1047
01:18:30,833 --> 01:18:34,951
- You tell your father the truth.
- Agreed. Honesty is the best policy.
1048
01:18:34,958 --> 01:18:38,530
One lie begets another
as surely as Noah begat Shem.
1049
01:18:38,542 --> 01:18:40,373
- Ham.
- And Japheth.
1050
01:18:40,375 --> 01:18:42,457
(Door buzzer)
1051
01:18:59,833 --> 01:19:01,915
You did what?
1052
01:19:02,958 --> 01:19:05,040
It was a mistake. A one in a million.
1053
01:19:06,083 --> 01:19:09,120
- Half a sheep, a mistake?
- But it wasn't his fault.
1054
01:19:09,125 --> 01:19:13,323
- His fault it wasn't.
- One of my pigs, half a sheep.
1055
01:19:14,625 --> 01:19:16,786
What's it look like?
1056
01:19:18,667 --> 01:19:21,079
It sort of looks....happy.
1057
01:19:21,083 --> 01:19:24,041
It's getting on very well with the other pigs.
1058
01:19:24,042 --> 01:19:27,330
I mean, what is its physical appearance?
1059
01:19:28,583 --> 01:19:33,577
Some of it... a lot of it... most of it... looks like a pig.
1060
01:19:33,583 --> 01:19:37,155
But then there are these small things.
1061
01:19:37,167 --> 01:19:41,866
Hardly noticeable really,
just... minor... minor changes.
1062
01:19:41,875 --> 01:19:44,992
- Minor?!
- Peter should have been more careful.
1063
01:19:45,000 --> 01:19:47,742
More careful, that's what he should have been.
1064
01:19:47,750 --> 01:19:50,787
All right. All right, we isolate it from the others.
1065
01:19:50,792 --> 01:19:54,080
It'll be the only one of its kind.
When it dies we go back to normal.
1066
01:19:54,083 --> 01:19:56,199
I will not have crossbreeding.
1067
01:19:56,208 --> 01:19:59,746
Wooh! You should have thought about that
30 years ago.
1068
01:19:59,750 --> 01:20:01,866
What do you mean by that exactly?
1069
01:20:01,875 --> 01:20:04,082
It was all right then, in London, for £5.
1070
01:20:04,083 --> 01:20:06,165
Something good came of that.
1071
01:20:06,167 --> 01:20:09,159
Something good can come from this.
1072
01:20:09,167 --> 01:20:14,036
You will not breed.... weird pigs on my land.
1073
01:20:17,208 --> 01:20:19,950
How about if I get Peter to take care of him?
1074
01:20:24,958 --> 01:20:27,074
You never think, do you?
1075
01:20:27,083 --> 01:20:29,199
Pigs, pigs, pigs!
1076
01:20:29,208 --> 01:20:31,870
But do you ever take me out for a meal?
1077
01:20:38,625 --> 01:20:39,910
* THOMAS LANG: Mess Around
1078
01:20:39,917 --> 01:20:41,828
* Got to juggle with a problem in my mind
1079
01:20:41,833 --> 01:20:44,290
* Every second in my life
1080
01:20:46,083 --> 01:20:48,495
* No-one takes responsibility
1081
01:20:48,500 --> 01:20:51,663
* As seriously as I
1082
01:20:51,667 --> 01:20:53,783
* All I wanna do
1083
01:20:53,792 --> 01:20:56,408
* Is mess around with you
1084
01:20:59,958 --> 01:21:03,155
* Just wanna mess around with you
1085
01:21:04,792 --> 01:21:07,625
* I've got to take the opportunity...
1086
01:21:07,625 --> 01:21:09,991
Vakey-vakey.
1087
01:21:10,000 --> 01:21:11,786
(Cheery whistling)
1088
01:21:11,792 --> 01:21:14,374
* I've got to celebrate the mood I'm in...
1089
01:21:15,417 --> 01:21:17,499
BRIAN: Bloody hell, he's gone.
1090
01:21:18,542 --> 01:21:20,624
He's gone!
1091
01:21:22,333 --> 01:21:24,073
Fffff...
1092
01:21:26,208 --> 01:21:30,952
* Don't wanna mess around with no other girl...
1093
01:21:32,042 --> 01:21:34,158
So what are you going to do with it?
1094
01:21:34,167 --> 01:21:36,624
- What?
- Thinking of breeding it?
1095
01:21:36,625 --> 01:21:38,490
Well... er...
1096
01:21:39,542 --> 01:21:41,658
I'm not sure.
1097
01:21:41,667 --> 01:21:44,204
Breeding has a nicely symbolic touch to it.
1098
01:21:44,208 --> 01:21:46,950
Not forgetting the financial possibilities.
1099
01:21:46,958 --> 01:21:49,040
Absolutely. Not forgetting them.
1100
01:21:50,125 --> 01:21:52,411
* All I wanna do
1101
01:21:52,417 --> 01:21:55,534
* Is mess around with you...
1102
01:21:55,542 --> 01:21:58,909
- Thank you.
- I wouldn't listen to a word anybody says.
1103
01:21:58,917 --> 01:22:01,283
You have to make up your own mind.
1104
01:22:01,292 --> 01:22:04,204
*... no other girl
1105
01:22:05,583 --> 01:22:07,619
* And all I wanna do
1106
01:22:07,625 --> 01:22:09,240
* Is mess around with you...
1107
01:22:09,250 --> 01:22:13,698
What about your parents? They brought you up.
Don't they have a right to know?
1108
01:22:24,833 --> 01:22:28,451
LEON: I was in a place called Lower Dinthorpe.
LISA: Really?
1109
01:22:28,458 --> 01:22:30,540
It's a bit of a long story.
1110
01:22:32,833 --> 01:22:34,915
LISA: Really?
1111
01:22:39,708 --> 01:22:43,030
- (Muffled grunt)
- I think you'd better tell me about it.
1112
01:22:55,083 --> 01:22:57,165
What are you going to do now?
1113
01:22:59,250 --> 01:23:02,287
I don't know.
I suppose I'll have to tell my parents.
1114
01:23:04,792 --> 01:23:06,874
(Doorbell rings)
1115
01:23:09,042 --> 01:23:11,124
(Muffled grunting and bleating)
1116
01:23:12,167 --> 01:23:13,452
Yes?
1117
01:23:13,458 --> 01:23:16,450
Hamalayan cosee ratchang Lisa?
1118
01:23:18,583 --> 01:23:20,665
Oo ye hatin?
1119
01:23:23,000 --> 01:23:26,242
It's er....it's for you. I think it's Jeremy.
1120
01:23:26,250 --> 01:23:28,332
Jeremy?
1121
01:23:29,875 --> 01:23:34,323
Oh, Christ.
The post-Himalayan meditation intensive.
1122
01:23:34,333 --> 01:23:36,449
LEON: Right, of course.
1123
01:23:36,458 --> 01:23:38,323
Look...
1124
01:23:38,333 --> 01:23:42,451
we're having a 24-hour chant,
so if you hear strange noises...
1125
01:23:44,875 --> 01:23:46,991
I'd better be going.
1126
01:23:47,000 --> 01:23:49,082
Thanks for... the soup.
1127
01:23:58,625 --> 01:24:00,707
(Rings doorbell)
1128
01:24:08,250 --> 01:24:10,366
Hi, Mum. I'm back.
1129
01:24:10,375 --> 01:24:12,491
It's so good to see you.
1130
01:24:12,500 --> 01:24:14,912
I see you brought your laundry, as usual.
1131
01:24:14,917 --> 01:24:17,374
- Yeah. Is Dad around?
- Upstairs.
1132
01:24:17,375 --> 01:24:19,457
Good. Can we talk?
1133
01:24:25,750 --> 01:24:27,832
(Groans with effort)
1134
01:24:29,042 --> 01:24:31,124
Ohhh.
1135
01:24:32,625 --> 01:24:35,287
- Ahhh.
- Leon's back.
1136
01:24:36,333 --> 01:24:38,665
- Uh?
- Leon's back.
1137
01:24:39,708 --> 01:24:41,824
Really?!
1138
01:24:41,833 --> 01:24:43,949
- He has some news for you.
- Good.
1139
01:24:43,958 --> 01:24:47,030
Sidney, I want you to hear him out.
1140
01:24:51,167 --> 01:24:53,249
Hang on. I won't be a minute.
1141
01:24:55,875 --> 01:24:58,036
He says he'll be down in a minute.
1142
01:24:59,875 --> 01:25:01,957
I told him he's got to listen.
1143
01:25:03,000 --> 01:25:04,615
SIDNEY: Leon.
1144
01:25:06,417 --> 01:25:09,159
Leon, how are you?
1145
01:25:09,167 --> 01:25:11,249
Put that thing down now.
1146
01:25:12,667 --> 01:25:14,749
Sit down.
1147
01:25:17,667 --> 01:25:19,749
Leon has something to tell you.
1148
01:25:26,875 --> 01:25:28,957
Brian...
1149
01:25:30,000 --> 01:25:32,116
Brian Chadwick...
1150
01:25:32,125 --> 01:25:36,164
is a.... pig farmer.
1151
01:25:37,500 --> 01:25:38,865
I um...
1152
01:25:38,875 --> 01:25:41,491
I went to his place in Yorkshire.
1153
01:25:42,542 --> 01:25:44,624
I worked there. Helping.
1154
01:25:46,875 --> 01:25:49,082
Breeding... breeding pigs.
1155
01:25:49,083 --> 01:25:50,948
And um...
1156
01:25:52,042 --> 01:25:54,829
I er... I made a mistake.
1157
01:25:54,833 --> 01:25:58,576
There's a pig....that is half a sheep.
1158
01:25:59,667 --> 01:26:01,749
It might be kosher.
1159
01:26:02,792 --> 01:26:05,625
Brian was angry, so um... er...
1160
01:26:05,625 --> 01:26:08,992
I've come back and I stole the pig.
1161
01:26:10,750 --> 01:26:12,081
Fine.
1162
01:26:12,083 --> 01:26:14,324
Welcome back.
1163
01:26:15,417 --> 01:26:18,534
You're taking this very calmly, Sidney.
1164
01:26:18,542 --> 01:26:21,033
Of course I'm taking it very calmly.
1165
01:26:22,292 --> 01:26:25,455
My son's a pig farmer!
1166
01:26:25,458 --> 01:26:28,746
Pigs! Farms! A pig farmer!
1167
01:26:28,750 --> 01:26:30,490
It's not his fault.
1168
01:26:30,500 --> 01:26:32,616
(Phone rings)
1169
01:26:32,625 --> 01:26:34,957
Do we want to play bridge with the Hubermans?
1170
01:26:36,875 --> 01:26:40,072
No, I don't think so. (Whispers) I'll call you back.
1171
01:26:40,083 --> 01:26:42,449
Not his fault?
1172
01:26:42,458 --> 01:26:47,248
- Is he a scientist, to invent a kosher pig?
- I only said it might be.
1173
01:26:47,250 --> 01:26:49,866
And this animal, where is it now?
1174
01:26:49,875 --> 01:26:52,947
Yes, where is it? In your flat?
1175
01:26:58,750 --> 01:27:01,822
Oh, Leon, you haven't.
1176
01:27:02,875 --> 01:27:05,036
- What?
- You didn't.
1177
01:27:05,042 --> 01:27:07,124
What?
1178
01:27:08,708 --> 01:27:11,074
(Bleating and grunting)
1179
01:27:12,583 --> 01:27:14,665
(Gasps softly)
1180
01:27:16,917 --> 01:27:18,999
(Rustling)
1181
01:27:29,875 --> 01:27:32,116
SIDNEY: ... in my house!
- Is this it?
1182
01:27:32,125 --> 01:27:34,912
- I guess so.
- I think this is yours.
1183
01:27:34,917 --> 01:27:38,580
(Sidney mutters angrily)
1184
01:27:40,375 --> 01:27:43,208
- (Bleating and grunting)
- He'll be all right.
1185
01:27:43,208 --> 01:27:45,164
YVONNE: Ah, you must be Judith.
1186
01:27:45,167 --> 01:27:47,658
- Yvonne.
- And this is my husband Brian.
1187
01:27:47,667 --> 01:27:50,625
- Brian.
- Oy.
1188
01:27:50,625 --> 01:27:53,037
(Yiddish accent)
Did we have trouble getting here.
1189
01:28:01,458 --> 01:28:04,905
- I'll disinherit him.
- Quick. Do we have any Earl Grey?
1190
01:28:04,917 --> 01:28:07,374
- It's what they drink.
- Who?
1191
01:28:07,375 --> 01:28:10,993
- I think they drink beer.
- Beer. Ale. Brilliant. Brilliant.
1192
01:28:12,042 --> 01:28:15,534
- When did we last have the house painted?
- What? Oh, two years ago.
1193
01:28:15,542 --> 01:28:17,453
Lager.
1194
01:28:18,500 --> 01:28:20,912
- What else?
- Venison?
1195
01:28:22,333 --> 01:28:25,405
- We'll skip the food.
- I'll have a whisky. I need it.
1196
01:28:25,417 --> 01:28:28,580
No. And don't wave your arms about so much.
1197
01:28:45,250 --> 01:28:47,366
(Yorkshire accent) Ey up!
1198
01:28:47,375 --> 01:28:52,244
(Posh accent) Well, you know what they always
say. An Englishman's home is his castle.
1199
01:28:52,250 --> 01:28:55,413
(Posh accent) Sidney and I
thought of moving to the country.
1200
01:28:55,417 --> 01:28:58,329
All that flora and fauna. Being at one with
nature.
1201
01:28:59,792 --> 01:29:01,908
Nature schmature.
1202
01:29:01,917 --> 01:29:06,365
(Yiddish accent) It's a good 17 miles
to the nearest golf course.
1203
01:29:06,375 --> 01:29:10,163
Sidney and I went grouse shooting last autumn.
1204
01:29:10,167 --> 01:29:12,533
Don't you think Leon's looking thinner?
1205
01:29:13,875 --> 01:29:16,992
Sidney and I don't believe
in criticising our children.
1206
01:29:17,000 --> 01:29:19,412
Do you know what you always need, Sidney?
1207
01:29:19,417 --> 01:29:21,578
No, what does one always need?
1208
01:29:21,583 --> 01:29:24,495
Your health. You always need your health.
1209
01:29:26,667 --> 01:29:29,500
You know we've expanded the business, Leon.
1210
01:29:29,500 --> 01:29:32,947
We're moving into blinds. Exciting years ahead.
1211
01:29:32,958 --> 01:29:36,200
The reason we came here
was to talk to you about the pig.
1212
01:29:36,208 --> 01:29:38,324
Believe me, it's a lot for me and Nat.
1213
01:29:38,333 --> 01:29:42,497
Much as it's against my better judgment,
I think you should be allowed to breed it.
1214
01:29:42,500 --> 01:29:44,491
So I want you to join the business.
1215
01:29:44,500 --> 01:29:48,789
On condition that you do it in Yorkshire,
on our land.... er... your land.
1216
01:29:48,792 --> 01:29:52,580
Take it in any direction you like.
After all, you are the oldest.
1217
01:29:52,583 --> 01:29:55,655
Hang on. Are you saying
you want to take him away from me?
1218
01:29:55,667 --> 01:30:00,457
- Me take him away from you?
- He's going to inherit the farm. You've no right.
1219
01:30:00,458 --> 01:30:03,780
Don't talk to me about rights. He's our son.
1220
01:30:03,792 --> 01:30:06,955
I'm his father, though. It was my sperm.
1221
01:30:06,958 --> 01:30:09,040
Can we not talk about sperm?
1222
01:30:09,042 --> 01:30:11,499
There's nowt wrong with the word sperm.
1223
01:30:11,500 --> 01:30:14,663
It's that sort of repression
he needs to escape from.
1224
01:30:14,667 --> 01:30:18,239
Right. Obviously, he's a born pig farmer.
1225
01:30:18,250 --> 01:30:22,949
He'd be far happier with us
than down here selling bloody blinds.
1226
01:30:22,958 --> 01:30:25,870
He's a Chadwick. It's as plain as your nose.
1227
01:30:25,875 --> 01:30:29,823
He is, has been, and always will be a Geller.
1228
01:30:29,833 --> 01:30:33,325
Why don't you ask him what he wants?
He can make his own decisions.
1229
01:30:33,333 --> 01:30:34,823
- Fine.
- Right, then.
1230
01:30:36,208 --> 01:30:38,324
(Door slams)
1231
01:30:38,333 --> 01:30:40,870
- Do you know where he's going?
- No idea.
1232
01:30:40,875 --> 01:30:43,662
- Sidney, the car keys.
- I'm coming with you.
1233
01:30:56,792 --> 01:30:59,249
YVONNE: Where's he going?
JUDITH: No idea.
1234
01:30:59,250 --> 01:31:00,956
SIDNEY: Can you slow down?
1235
01:31:00,958 --> 01:31:03,495
- Does he know?
BRIAN: Has he got the pig?
1236
01:31:03,500 --> 01:31:07,448
- Shut up about your bloody pig.
SIDNEY: Hear, hear. Can you slow down a bit?
1237
01:31:07,458 --> 01:31:10,325
Shut up
or I'll sever your testicles with a blunt knife.
1238
01:31:10,333 --> 01:31:11,914
- Hear, hear.
- What?
1239
01:31:15,292 --> 01:31:18,284
JUDITH: I think he's heading for the countryside.
1240
01:31:27,500 --> 01:31:29,661
JUDITH: Damn.
1241
01:31:31,167 --> 01:31:33,249
Damn.
1242
01:31:34,542 --> 01:31:36,407
(Tyres screech)
1243
01:31:38,917 --> 01:31:41,704
JUDITH: It's your fault.
YVONNE: The two of you.
1244
01:31:41,708 --> 01:31:43,539
JUDITH: Arguing like that.
1245
01:31:43,542 --> 01:31:45,783
SIDNEY: He must choose.
BRIAN: Yes.
1246
01:31:45,792 --> 01:31:47,328
JUDITH: Nonsense.
1247
01:32:04,042 --> 01:32:06,158
BRIAN: Well, what now?
1248
01:32:06,167 --> 01:32:08,249
JUDITH: We wait. We wait.
1249
01:32:28,833 --> 01:32:30,915
(Bleating and grunting)
1250
01:32:34,750 --> 01:32:36,832
(Grunting)
1251
01:32:40,875 --> 01:32:42,957
(Rustling)
1252
01:33:09,292 --> 01:33:11,374
I guess they're right.
1253
01:33:13,250 --> 01:33:15,332
I guess they are.
1254
01:33:16,375 --> 01:33:18,457
He's a fine man.
1255
01:33:20,500 --> 01:33:22,582
Pig schmig.
1256
01:33:23,833 --> 01:33:25,915
Heir schmeir.
1257
01:33:29,042 --> 01:33:31,124
You two! He's coming.
1258
01:33:40,542 --> 01:33:42,783
Right. I'm starving.
1259
01:33:43,833 --> 01:33:45,744
SIDNEY: Mm.
1260
01:33:46,792 --> 01:33:49,750
- This... is a pickled....
- Cucumber!
1261
01:33:50,792 --> 01:33:52,874
And this is egg and onion.
1262
01:33:54,375 --> 01:33:56,491
Oh, it's delicious. Mm.
1263
01:33:56,500 --> 01:33:59,412
- Not a patch on mine.
- That's gefilte fish.
1264
01:33:59,417 --> 01:34:01,624
- I think it's chopped....
- Herring.
1265
01:34:01,625 --> 01:34:04,412
Is it? Course it is. Silly me. (Chuckles)
1266
01:34:04,417 --> 01:34:06,533
Actually, it's not bad.
1267
01:34:06,542 --> 01:34:09,989
- Not a patch on mine.
- Eh, not a patch on your black pudding.
1268
01:34:11,417 --> 01:34:15,285
- How long have you been here?
- Your mother drove.
1269
01:34:15,292 --> 01:34:18,989
- Have you sorted out your main courses yet?
- Salt beef all round.
1270
01:34:19,000 --> 01:34:20,661
(Party whistle screeches)
1271
01:34:20,667 --> 01:34:23,909
- First, that could be very dangerous.
- (Brian chuckles)
1272
01:34:23,917 --> 01:34:26,329
SIDNEY: Second, it's not funny.
1273
01:34:26,333 --> 01:34:30,622
BRIAN: It were never dangerous.
Birthday parties are meant to be fun.
1274
01:34:30,625 --> 01:34:32,741
YVONNE: Any excuse.
1275
01:34:32,750 --> 01:34:36,117
BRIAN: Who is Jimmy, anyway?
YVONNE: lt'll be the owner.
1276
01:34:36,125 --> 01:34:39,288
- Hi, Mr Geller.
BRIAN: We could call the farm Chadwick's.
1277
01:34:39,292 --> 01:34:43,035
- Mrs Geller.
- Brian Chadwick and this is my wife Yvonne.
1278
01:34:43,042 --> 01:34:46,159
But you can call her Thunder Thighs. ( Cackles)
1279
01:34:47,375 --> 01:34:50,367
Hi, Leon. Long time no see.
1280
01:34:52,375 --> 01:34:54,582
Ah, look, I'm sorry about what happened.
1281
01:34:54,667 --> 01:34:56,908
Not that anything did happen.
1282
01:34:56,917 --> 01:34:59,124
Four hours on a cross and not a glimpse.
1283
01:35:00,417 --> 01:35:06,037
What are you doing here? Is Jimmy's
soon to become Vitelli's Flotation Tank Centre?
1284
01:35:06,042 --> 01:35:10,331
You must be joking. Vitelli loves this place.
Isn't that right, Morris?
1285
01:35:10,333 --> 01:35:13,746
Mr Vitelli is particularly partial to our pot roast.
1286
01:35:20,542 --> 01:35:24,706
* Hava Negila
1287
01:35:45,667 --> 01:35:47,749
(Lively tempo)
1288
01:37:34,708 --> 01:37:38,496
Get your priorities right.
There's money to be made with a kosher pig.
1289
01:37:38,500 --> 01:37:41,697
And it's your success.
No-one can take that away from you.
1290
01:37:41,708 --> 01:37:44,040
Why don't you work for the family business?
1291
01:37:44,042 --> 01:37:47,614
You've compromised your principles.
Now you'd be a great estate agent.
1292
01:37:47,625 --> 01:37:50,287
- Go back to Yorkshire.
- Go for net curtains.
1293
01:37:50,292 --> 01:37:54,786
- Or become an accountant. They're dishonest.
- My dad's an accountant.
1294
01:37:54,792 --> 01:37:56,953
OLD WOMAN: Why aren't you listening?
1295
01:38:11,375 --> 01:38:14,162
So what made you decide
to run away with the pig?
1296
01:38:15,583 --> 01:38:17,665
What happened to the 24-hour chant?
1297
01:38:19,792 --> 01:38:21,874
What a bunch of jerks.
1298
01:38:23,042 --> 01:38:25,124
All just trying to be different.
1299
01:38:27,333 --> 01:38:29,415
LEON: Without knowing why.
1300
01:38:31,083 --> 01:38:33,165
Exactly.
1301
01:38:34,208 --> 01:38:36,324
Idiots.
1302
01:38:36,333 --> 01:38:38,415
It happens.
1303
01:38:44,083 --> 01:38:46,870
So what made you decide
to run away with the pig?
1304
01:38:48,875 --> 01:38:51,366
Why don't we go somewhere and I'll tell you?
1305
01:38:52,583 --> 01:38:54,665
What, back there?
1306
01:38:55,708 --> 01:38:57,790
I don't think I could cope.
1307
01:38:58,833 --> 01:39:00,915
I don't mind.
1308
01:39:05,208 --> 01:39:07,699
You've never ridden bareback in the wilds.
1309
01:39:09,500 --> 01:39:11,912
You've never shared a meal with a gorilla.
1310
01:39:13,417 --> 01:39:15,578
You don't even know how to parachute.
1311
01:39:18,667 --> 01:39:20,828
And I'll never ever climb a mountain.
1312
01:39:22,833 --> 01:39:24,915
Not even a small Himalaya?
1313
01:39:27,708 --> 01:39:29,790
No.
1314
01:39:32,125 --> 01:39:34,207
An Alp?
1315
01:39:37,792 --> 01:39:39,874
How small?
1316
01:39:43,708 --> 01:39:45,790
Some of them are tiny.
1317
01:39:48,958 --> 01:39:51,040
Hardly mountains at all.
1318
01:40:02,583 --> 01:40:04,699
So...
1319
01:40:04,708 --> 01:40:06,790
what about the pig?
1320
01:40:07,958 --> 01:40:10,370
Can you imagine it?
1321
01:40:10,375 --> 01:40:13,412
Leon.... the pig farmer.
1322
01:40:13,417 --> 01:40:16,033
* Nothing ever goes to plan
1323
01:40:17,750 --> 01:40:21,163
* Nothing works in the way that it can
1324
01:40:21,167 --> 01:40:24,284
* No-one has the fortune they deserve
1325
01:40:25,333 --> 01:40:29,121
* This is it, for better or worse
1326
01:40:29,125 --> 01:40:33,038
* There's no escape if things stay on course
1327
01:40:33,042 --> 01:40:35,954
* Just be certain that things will get worse
1328
01:40:36,875 --> 01:40:41,448
* And if the world suddenly turned out fair
1329
01:40:41,458 --> 01:40:43,369
* Stop it there
1330
01:40:44,083 --> 01:40:46,369
* Nothing ever goes to plan
1331
01:40:48,375 --> 01:40:51,082
* Your ambition should be left in a can
1332
01:40:51,708 --> 01:40:54,700
* Never let a good idea grow
1333
01:40:55,750 --> 01:40:58,617
* The use of knowledge is for those in the know
1334
01:40:59,667 --> 01:41:03,580
* There's no escape if things stay on course
1335
01:41:03,583 --> 01:41:06,541
* Just be certain that things will get worse
1336
01:41:07,208 --> 01:41:11,827
* And if the world suddenly turned out fair
1337
01:41:11,833 --> 01:41:13,915
* Stop it there...
1338
01:41:18,042 --> 01:41:20,749
* Got to juggle with a problem in my mind
1339
01:41:20,750 --> 01:41:23,287
* Every second in my life
1340
01:41:24,625 --> 01:41:27,662
* No-one takes responsibility
1341
01:41:27,667 --> 01:41:30,534
* As seriously as I
1342
01:41:30,542 --> 01:41:32,658
* All I wanna do
1343
01:41:32,667 --> 01:41:35,374
* Is mess around with you
1344
01:41:38,708 --> 01:41:42,030
* Just wanna mess around with you
1345
01:41:43,625 --> 01:41:46,867
* I've got to take the opportunity
1346
01:41:46,875 --> 01:41:49,491
* To lighten up my life
1347
01:41:50,542 --> 01:41:53,534
* I've got to celebrate the mood I'm in
1348
01:41:53,542 --> 01:41:56,329
* And set this world to rights
1349
01:41:56,333 --> 01:41:58,449
* But all I wanna do
1350
01:41:58,458 --> 01:42:01,370
* Is mess around with you
1351
01:42:05,000 --> 01:42:09,790
* Don't wanna mess around with no other girl
1352
01:42:11,875 --> 01:42:13,866
* And all I wanna do
1353
01:42:13,875 --> 01:42:16,082
* Is mess around with you
1354
01:42:29,292 --> 01:42:31,123
* All I wanna do
1355
01:42:31,125 --> 01:42:34,197
* Is mess around with you
1356
01:42:37,792 --> 01:42:43,037
* Don't wanna mess around with no other girl
1357
01:42:44,708 --> 01:42:46,824
* And all I wanna do
1358
01:42:46,833 --> 01:42:48,949
* Is mess around with you
1359
01:42:48,958 --> 01:42:52,496
(Harmonica instrumental)
1360
01:43:38,250 --> 01:43:40,332
(Bleating grunt)