They say, you never forget your first kiss.
Well, uh, I never forgot mine.
I was eight, she was eleven.
Rachael Wyatt. Sweet face.
Girl weighed about 240 pounds strong.
She was standing by the monkey bars
with a weird look in her eyes.
So I ran like hell in other direction.
But, uh, for a chubby girl, baby was fast.
Before I knew it, she had pinned me to the ground.
Just slobbing and kissing all over me.
I felt like my face was in a car wash.
Messed me up. Messed me up bad.
Till this day whenever I see someone spitting
or washing their car..
...I think of you, Rachael Wyatt.
My first kiss.
[theme song]
♪ Martin ♪
♪ Martin Lawrence yeah ♪
How y'all been?
♪ Martin ♪
♪ Martin Lawrence yeah ♪
He's so crazy!
♪ Martin ♪
♪ Martin Lawrence yeah ♪
How y'all been?
♪ Martin ♪
♪ Martin Lawrence ♪♪
[instrumental music]
- Oh! - Mm..
Martin, quit messing with me. I'm eating my cereal now.
You want some sugar with that, sugar-girl?
No, no! Hey, hey, stop it.
You're gonna make milk come out my nose.
You know what I like. Baby, make it go..
[imitates a splat]
- That is disgusting. - Is it?
Cut it out, Martin, Pam is gonna be here any minute
to take me to work. Now, stop.
Let me get that for you, babe.
I'm reaching for you.
- You know what you need? - Oh, I know what I need.
You need a footstool. Thank you.
- A what? - A footstool.
My grand mommy used to have the sweetest little
hand-embroidered footstool, whenever I was real good
she would let me sit on it and tell me stories.
Aw, that's sweet, babe
but my grandmother didn't need a footstool.
- Why? What? - She had no feet.
No. She had one but she only put it on when company over.
She used to walk around the house like this.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about wanting you, girl.
That's what I'm talking about.
Martin, Martin, hey, hey. Tonight is our anniversary.
You can have me then, alright?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, babe.
Didn't we just celebrate out anniversary
about two months ago?
Martin, that was our one-year anniversary of our first date.
Tonight is our one-year anniversary
of the first time you, uh, you know.
No, I don't know. What?
The first time you ever said the "L" word.
Lick me?
Shut up!
- What? - Be late to work for me.
- No! No, no, no, no! - Come on, baby.
You just said it's our anniversary.
Come on, I let you sleep last night.
- You are so bad. Yes. - Am I? Yes.
Let me take off this dress, so we don't get it wrinkled.
Good girl!
[knock on door]
- What? - Where's Gina? We got to go.
- She not here. - She is, too here.
- She told me she'd be here. - Hey.
She asked me if I could ask you if you could wait in the car
about five or ten minutes, alright?
- Ten minutes. - You so nasty.
Well, look, Gina told me today's your anniversary
and you have to show her how important it is to you.
And the way you do that is, you get her some jewelry.
Good jewelry, please, don't get her that cheap gold-plated crap.
You know what? You amaze me, Pam. Do you have a man?
- You know I don't. - And I see why, okay.
Let me tell you something, me and Gina's thing ain't material.
Alright? It's all up in here, okay.
The heart, that's our thing. The love thing, here.
Well, you just make sure that Gina's is here and here.
Hello, hello, hello...Pam.
My beautiful Nubian goddess.
Hi, Tommy. How are you?
You know what? I'm glad everybody knows each other.
- Out! Bye! - I've got to go to work!
[indistinct]
Hey, girl, girl, I didn't know it was that late. I'm sorry.
- Hi.. - Hey, wait.
They, they're leaving.
Since all these people are already here
I'll just see you tonight, alright, baby?
- What? - Tonight. Tonight.
- Baby! - Bye!
Happy anniversary, Martin.
Yeah, alright. And I'll see you later, right, Pam?
- My delicious chocolate ho-ho? - What did you call me?
He meant ring-ding, you know, cupcake?
Don't play with me, Cole.
What the heck was that? Ho-ho?
Come on, man. Look, you know, she made me nervous.
Cole...you stupid.
Martin, what you guys are gonna do for your anniversary?
- Nothing, man. - Nothing?
What you mean? Martin, bro, take it from me, my brother
woman are very sensitive when it comes to anniversaries.
Ooh, that's right. Ha!
Cole, how would you know, man?
You live at home with your mother.
Hey, I got my own room.
Martin, look, tonight
has got to be very special, if you blow it off
you just may spend next year's anniversary alone.
You know what? You kill me, Tommy.
Look, I'll never ever be alone. You know why?
'Cause you two are always here.
Okay, Martin. Fine, You do your own thing, okay?
- Let's go play ball. - I can't play ball today now.
See, I can't go now, 'cause I'm working on my radio show, alone.
- You work on that. - Yeah, I will work on that.
It's very funny though, both of y'all
wanna tell me about my anniversary
and you ain't got nobody.
Very funny.
You ain't seen none since it seen you.
Think about that one.
No. Matter of fact, you ain't had none since it had you.
Cole, hurry up so I can take you to the hoop.
Uh, excuse me, I think we know
who's gonna get taken to the hoop, right?
No, no, no. Junior, you're going to get schooled.
- Alright? - Junior?
And just call me senior.
What's up?
- What's up, Sheneneh? - Hi, Cole. How you two doing?
Don't get her started, alright?
Oh, my goodness.
Now, Tommy, I know you ain't tripping
with your little bald-headed self.
It takes more than a bald head
to be like Michael Jordan, anyway.
Neneh, look, I-I don't want any trouble, okay?
All I want is for you to give me the ball--
- No, Tommy. - Give me the ball.
- No, Tommy! - Sheneneh, give me the ball.
- No! - Oh, Sheneneh, sweetheart..
I'm trying awfully hard to be patient
with your little tired ass, now give me the ball!
Tired? Since I'm so tired, take the ball.
Since I'm so tired, take the ball from me.
Sheneneh, what are you talking about?
I will show you what I'm talking about. Take the ball.
- Take the ball, man. - I'll take it! I'll take it!
Okay? I'll take it! Let's go! Let's go!
I'll show you, I'll show you what a girl could do to you.
[indistinct shouting]
Come on, look at me ride, Tommy.
Look at me, Tommy. Look at me, Tommy.
Look at you, Tommy. Look at you, Tommy.
- No. Oh, no, no, no! - Ah!
If I wanted to, I can take that ball.
You, yo, come on, man, let's take her with us.
We can make some money off her.
No, Cole, I'm sure Sheneneh's got something better to do.
Well, I was gonna go workout, but, I mean
if y'all want me to go with ya, I'll go.
- Oh, God. - Come on, girl. Come on.
Who says black gals can't jump?
You gotta stop letting people post you up, Tommy.
Oh, no.
Before we wrap up, I'd like to say
a little something about anniversaries.
My lady says tonight is the anniversary
of the first time I told her I love her.
Let me ask you a question, do you have to celebrate
and give gifts the first time you do everything?
I mean, 'cause I don't remember the first time
I let her eat off my plate? I mean..
And what gift do you give for that, a fork?
I don't know. Let me hear from you, Detroit.
What up, talk to me.
- 'Hello, Mason?' - No, man, this is Martin.
(male #1) 'Okay, okay. Hey, Mason.'
'Uh, I'd like to dedicate this very special song'
'to my old lady. It's our anniversary.'
'We been together seven beautiful days.'
Well, that's beautiful, man, but listen, man
this is talk radio, man, alright?
We're talking anniversaries.
(male #1) 'Well, did I win some piston tickets, then?'
- No, man. - 'Well, let me get a t-shirt?'
Yo, man, you're out of here. Next caller, what up?
(male #2) 'Yo, Mart-in, I got an anniversary for you, man.'
'I just celebrated the anniversary of the first time'
'I caught my wife cheating on me, man.'
Well, what gift did you give her for that?
(male #2) 'Oh, something real special. A four-alarm fire.'
'I burned her lover's house down, man.'
Well, I guess it's the thought that counts, huh?
Whoa. See ya when I see ya.
This is Martin Payne. I'm outty.
[chuckles] Good show, Martin.
- Thanks, man. - Yo, you hear that?
- Mason. - Mason.
What's up, boss man?
Sean, that's the third cup you have used this week.
Are you trying to bankrupt me?
- Hey, Martin. - What's up, man?
- About your anniversary.. - Yeah.
Don't give Gina nothing.
Buy yourself something.
Uh, jumper cables, leather shoes, a box of cigars.
Wrap it up, give it to her
she's gonna hate it and give it right back.
That way when she dumps you, you won't be out of nothing.
You, man. Come on, man. You know Gina ain't going for that.
- Hey, I got an idea though. - What's up?
Jars. Big jars.
Women just seem to love sticking things in jars.
Uh, uh, who you talking to, Sean?
Well, I'm talking to Martin. He just wanted my advice.
Hey, you know what? I don't want either one of your advice.
See? He wasn't talking to you, Sean.
Now, Martin, here's what you do, man.
You give her a gift she thinks is for herself
but it's really for you.
- Yeah, like jars. - Get away from me, Sean!
- You go to this place, bro. - Hey, man..
- "Trashy underwear," man? - Shut up, man!
See, that's your problem. You don't listen.
Martin, they got everything.
Hey...changed my life, man.
Yo, bro, tell that old broad that Stan sent you.
Thank you, Stan.
- Re.. Jars. - You know what?
You and Stan keep telling me what Gina wants.
Let me tell you something, it's not jars, it's not jewelry
it's not lingerie. Yo, man, it's me.
Uno nuno. Me, okay?
Just me. No presents, no gifts.
Just me, man. Alright?
Alright. That's sounds...okay.
Your gift of love is here.
Babe, what's going on in your place?
Gina?
Hey.
See anything you like?
- Do I? - Where you going?
Into the kitchen, to check on your lobster dinner.
Whoa, babe, you cooked?
Yeah. See, tonight it's just gonna be you and me.
- Alright. - Some lobster..
- Mm. - Oh, yeah, I almost forgot!
I got you a few presents. Happy anniversary, Martin.
You want to exchange gifts now or after dinner?
[chuckles nervously]
Baby, you know
I really wish you, you didn't do this for me.
Babe, I wish you hadn't done this.
You can start with that. Go ahead.
- Why, Gina? - That's nothing, baby.
The real gift's in the other room.
No. You did not buy me more gifts, babe.
- Just open it. Open it. - You know what?
Why are we gonna kill this romance?
Let's, let's do like Christmas, you know how you wanna
hurry up and go to bed, then you wanna wake up in the morning
and open your gifts. Let's open it in the morning.
Martin, tonight is our anniversary
not tomorrow morning. I'll go get the rest, okay?
[whimpering]
[screams]
My God! What is it?
A little something something.
What is this?
That's a candle that burns for your love.
Martin, this is my candle off my piano.
Is this some kind of game or something?
I don't know why I try to fool you, babe.
You went to college, and your brain just be brrr! You know?
Yes, girl, it's like a game.
It's like scavenger hunt.
The candle is a clue.
Guess what? Your gift's somewhere here in this house.
[gasps] Martin, for real? You hid my gift?
- You're so crazy! - 'Cause I'mma to do my thing.
You got to find it.
You got to find it now, okay?
'Cause your man like that. Now I got to blindfold you.
- Now, watch your hair weave. - Shut up.
I'm just.. I'm just playing with you.
Now, I'mma spin you 'cause it get a little
dangerous out there. You gotta find it. Now, go, girl.
Watch yourself, watch yourself.
Ow! Martin!
Baby, I told you it was rough out there.
- Oh, baby! Okay.. - But you're warming up.
I'm warmer, huh? Okay.
You're warming up, baby.
Martin, it's near you, isn't it?
- It's why your voice.. - Yeah, baby, I know, yeah.
You're warming up, girl. You're starting to steam.
You're staring to burn. You're hot, baby.
You hoy. You're burning!
- Martin! - Tommy, pick up the phone.
- Tommy! - What are you doing?
Can you please do not call here anymore?
I think that's very rude, okay?
I'm trying to enjoy my anniversary
with the one I love. Bye.
They always try to sell you stuff.
I'm so crazy.
I.. I don't know.
Babe, I got you spinning around here and guess what?
What?
Your gift ain't even in the house.
- Where is it? - Downstairs, in the car.
- We'll get it in the morning. - No. Go get it right now.
- No, no, babe, we can-- - Go get it, Martin, please?
- Does it mean that much? - Would you go? Go!
[instrumental music]
[screaming]
The money's in the back! Ah!
No, no, no, no, I don't want no money. I want some panties.
[screams]
No, not your panties. I want my own panties.
Oh. Oh-ho-ho.
Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?
Okay. Now, listen, I need women's underwear
and I need them in a hurry, okay?
Oh, well, you're lucky, because I just happen to have
these beautiful seatless panties.
Make you feel like the Queen of England.
No, not me. It's for my girl Gina.
It's our anniversary.
Oh, well, then these are all wrong.
Yes, they are. Okay, now, listen..
I need something..
...romantic.
Oh, now, don't be bashful.
What size is she?
- She's about a five-- - No, no, no.
I mean, my size? A little bigger?
[laughs]
Your size about 20 years ago.
- Way back in the day. - Oh.
[laughing]
Now tell me, is this your very first time in a lingerie shop?
No. No.
Look me in the eye.
- Yes, ma'am. - Ha-ha-ha. I thought so.
I can spot 'em a mile off.
A first-timer. Don't worry. I'll be gentle.
Now, how about these beautiful French lace panties?
Oh, you just don't see beautiful crotches like this anymore.
All hand-sewn. Feel it.
- Can I? - Of course.
Ooh!
This is nice.
Can you wrap this up for me?
Oh, my pleasure. Have a seat.
You know, I'm thinking about this.
Now it is your anniversary
and you need something more special.
Excuse me.
And I have something more special than panties.
It's a fantasy.
Now, this comes with matching helmet and boots.
Costs a little more, but to hell, it's your anniversary.
- Right? - Right.
Hey, babe.
You ain't gonna believe what happened to me out there.
- Where you been, Martin? - Look..
I know you're mad, alright, and I'm sorry
I left you here alone for two hours, alright?
But I got a perfectly good explanation.
Like what?
I don't know why I mess with Cole.
What do I be thinking about, babe?
Last night, Cole was supposed to come over here, right
and hide your gift for me.
So I get here tonight, and your gift ain't here.
So I'm mad, baby, I'm boiling in the inside.
'Cause I really want our relationship to work out, right?
So I figure, right, I can hurry up downstairs
jump in my car, jet over to Cole's house, right?
Get your gift after punching him in his face, right
and then, hurry up back before you know you even miss me.
Daggone Cole.
Don't make no sense.
What are you, an idiot, Martin
as well as an insensitive jackass?
Why are you talking to me like that?
I'm so mad at you I could kill you.
This is our anniversary.
And how do I spend it, Martin? All alone. And why?
Why, Martin, 'cause you can't tell me the truth
about not getting me a present.
You have to ruin the whole evening
just 'cause you can't be honest with me.
Well, fine, Gina.
Fine.
Your man was wrong
for trying to run out and get you a gift, Gina.
Stop it, Martin.
No, no. I deserve to be hurt.
People don't want to see us together anyway.
I'm jumping out the window, Gina.
Martin, stop trying to make me laugh. It's not funny.
No. I want to bust all this up..
Pow, pow, pow.
And you shall push me.
You deserve that much, Gina.
Don't tempt me!
You really want to push me, don't you?
Hey, look, baby, I'm sorry, alright?
I didn't know a gift was that important.
It's not the gift, Martin.
It's the thought. That's what's important.
Look, baby, I'm sorry.
Look, I messed up. You know me, I..
I didn't think, alright? I'm sorry.
Forgive me, alright? Forgive me, alright?
I forgive you, but I'm still mad at you.
- Come on, you're not mad. - Yes, I am!
I mean, look at this, Martin, "Trashy Underwear"?
What was the thought behind that?
I can't believe you would even buy me some sleazy..
[gasps]
A footstool!
- Oh, Martin! - Yeah, yeah!
Now you're all over me! Huh?
- Yeah. Say I'm the man. - You the man!
- I'm the man! - You the, you the man, baby!
That's right!
And I had bought this for you
about four months ago.
- I'm lying again, huh? - Hmm.
No, I bought this about two hours ago.
But I gotta tell you, when I saw this
I thought about you and our anniversary
and the first time I said I loved you.
You're my baby, you're my baby.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Mm.
And I love you more now than I ever did before.
You're my baby, you're my baby.
- I'm your baby. I shall.. - Baby, baby..
[moaning]
[theme music]
[yells]
[music continues]