My ex-girlfriend once asked me if I loved her.
[chuckles]
Do I love her?
But let's say in the course of a four year relationship
I brought her hat
a scarf, a t-shirt and a sweater.
We broke up.
[gulps]
I let her keep the sweater.
Now, I know you cannot put a price tag on love.
But this sweater really set a brother back, alright.
How far should a man go for love?
We'll be right back.
♪ Martin ♪
♪ Lawrence yeah ♪
How y'all feelin'?
♪ Martin ♪
♪ Lawrence yeah ♪
He's so crazy.
♪ Martin ♪
♪ Lawrence yeah ♪
How y'all feelin'?
♪ Martin ♪
♪ Lawrence ♪♪
♪ You give me your sweetness ♪
♪ Now there is no weakness ♪
♪ Lying safe within your arms ♪
♪ I'm born again ♪♪
♪ I was half ♪
♪ Not whole ♪
♪ Until you came into my life ♪♪
Ooh, baby. That voice.
- I got one for you. - Oh, you do?
That's right. You gonna love it.
- Okay. I'm listening. - Alright.
♪ Everybod-ay-ay-ay ♪
♪ Everybody was kung fu fightin' ♪
♪ Da da-da da da-da da ♪
♪ Those cats were fast as-- ♪♪
Stop. Stop. You're going to wrinkle my clothes!
Take 'em off!
Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!
Pow!
Pow-w-w!
Martin, some of us have real jobs, okay, baby?
Babe, wha-wha-what's that supposed to mean?
What, my radio show ain't a real job?
I work hard. I do a lot of research.
- Like, um, yesterday's show. - Mm-hmm.
Talking about how Redd Foxx is still alive?
Babe, think about it.
The man faked it.
If you owed $16 billion in taxes
what would you do?
You don't believe that, Martin.
It all matter what I believe.
Look. On the radio, we get a little crazy
but, hey, we get good ratings.
Why are you doggin' my show?
Martin, it's just my opinion.
God, you're so sensitive about everything.
No, I'm not.
- 'You are too.' - No, I'm not.
You are too. You are too.
But it's sweet, like the other night
when we were watching "Beauty and the Beast"
and you cried and it's a cartoon, baby.
Babe, you had to feel for that little white girl.
This brother was ugly.
Get away from me.
Only white people can hang in there.
- I'm sorry. - Just stop.
But-but-but-but... I was not crying.
Martin, it's okay to cry.
Yeah, for some people, not me.
Alright, you don't have to cry about it.
Look, I got to go. Bye.
You missed me, girl. Come here and give me my sugar.
Although if you wish to go further, I wouldn't mind.
Okay, okay, one kiss, but first you got to promise me something.
What do I have to promise you, girl?
Um, Kevin from work got promotion
and we're havin' a little party for him and I want you to come.
- No! No! - Come on!
Get off! Get off!
No.
I'll never ever spend another evening
with them dry zombies you work for.
I always get trapped in a corner with somebody named Bob.
[imitating Bob] Listen, Martin
I just saw "Boyz n the Hood," alright?
I didn't know, Martin. I didn't know.
Sorry.
I'm sorry. I won't. No.
And you think your friends are any better?
Most definitely.
Like Cole? He's primitive, honey.
He doesn't even have thumbs.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Cole don't need thumbs, alright?
He can't count past eight, baby.
You're making me late. Goodbye.
Come here, girl..
...and give me my sugar.
Grab my ears?
Mmm..
[knock on door]
Who is it?
(Edna) 'Mama.'
Martin, I don't want her to know I slept here.
- Just calm down. - I should have left.
- Messing with you. - Babe, just calm down.
If you panic, she'll know you was here.
Just be cool. Get the door.
Oh, hi.
What a surprise.
Hi, Mrs. Paine.
Uh-huh.
Ooh..
Let mama sit down.
Oh..
Lord, it's so hot outside
mama's sweating like a coke bottle at a barbecue.
Ma, you want me to get you something to drink?
No, mama fine. Mama fine.
I just need time to catch my breath that's all.
I stopped by on my way to work.
I know. Mama know.
You're a good girl, good clean girl.
Thank you.
Have a good show, Martin. I'll be listening, okay.
Call me later.
It does mama good to see her son
with someone sweet, warm, and beautiful like you.
Yes, it does. Stop by more often.
You watch that girl. I don't trust her.
Oh, don't start.
I'm marrying Gina as soon as I get some money.
Well, I just worry so much about you.
Out of all my kids, you're my favorite.
You look so much like your father.
Ma, can I ask you a question?
Uh-huh. Sure.
When I was younger, did I used to cry a lot?
Oh, yeah. You were like a little lamb..
[imitating child crying]
Ooh.
Ma!
I stopped by to give you this record.
It's called "We Are The World."
It's by little Michael Jackson and a butt load of his friends.
Play that on your show today.
Mama got to go.
Ma, it's talk radio. We don't play records.
You don't talk back to mama!
This record is powerful.
It might make this world a better place
for you and me.
I'm sorry, ma.
Well, mama's alright.
Now, listen, if that girl Gina's
going to be spending the night over here
you make her pay rent. You hear me?
Your mama cares. Alright.
You got on clean drawers?
- Yeah. - Alright.
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Sometimes I just feel it.
Hey, Martin. Are you busy?
Yeah, what's up, man? I'm getting ready for the show.
What's up?
You know how radio signals go into space
and travel for years?
Yeah.
So right now space aliens
are getting 35-year-old radio signals.
- So? - So.
If they decide to come and attack us
when they said, "Take me to your leader"
they'd still be looking for Eisenhower.
That'd really mess them up.
You know, for an engineer, you're real deep.
You're real deep.
- Yeah. - Alright.
Hey, what did I tell you
about talking to Martin when he's going on the air?
Stan, the man's cool. We're rapping about Eisenhower--
Am I talking to you?
No, you were talking to me.
Shut up, Shawn.
It's cool.
- We know he was. - Yeah, yeah.
Look at this.
Boss, what's wrong with you, man?
Martin, this is a small radio station.
I'm a small businessman.
Look at this phone bill, man. Right here.
What are you trying to do, Martin, bankrupt me?
Stan, man, this was a phone interview to New York.
- Yeah? - Bill Cosby.
- What? - Yeah.
That man is as rich as King Tut.
I mean, he couldn't call you?
New policy, man.
Collect call interviews only from now on.
- You got that? - Yeah.
Bill Cosby. Jesus.
You don't make Bill Cosby call you, man.
Collect call from Eisenhower.
Hello. Is that marketing report finished yet?
(female #1) 'I'm xeroxing it right now.'
Thank you.
She's not xeroxing.
She's talking to her man for the fifth time today.
Pam, what is wrong with that?
I think it's nice he calls her so much.
Gina, don't fool yourself.
He's just checking up on her.
And why would he do that?
Because he's a man.
They're all the same.
They're jealous, they're possessive
and they are control freaks.
And I date them sometimes.
Well, Martin isn't like that.
Martin is sweet. He's sensitive.
He respects me, and he makes me happy.
Is he beatin' on you?
You workin' my last nerve, alright?
- Here's that report you wanted. - Oh, thank you.
Martin's show's starting. Is it okay if we listen in here?
Oh, yeah. Come on in, guys.
(Martin on radio) 'Yo! This is Martin Paine.'
'Today's subject male sensitivity.'
'I think it's a female plot'
'to turn men into house-trained suckers.'
'People, we are talking male sensitivity.'
What up?
(male #1) 'Chill, man.'
'I share everything with my wife.'
'I even cry in front of her, okay?'
[imitating caller] Chill, man. I share everything with my wife.
That's beautiful. Can I ask you a question?
'What?'
Do you shave your face or your bikini line?
'Excuse me?'
Stand up and pull out your pants
look at the front of your drawers.
You're missing a flap, girlfriend.
'I don't have to take this from you, you dirty son of [bleep].'
Hey, hey, people.
Why I got to be all that?
Control yourself.
We're trying to have a mature discussion on male sensitivity.
Next caller.
(Martin) 'What up?'
(female #2) 'Give me a break. You're all talk.'
'If you've even got a girlfriend'
I bet she has got you wrapped around her little finger.
Okay, so let me get this right, darling?
You're a female weight lifter, right?
A body builder, a gladiator, right?
'What?'
You call here going off on me.
Right?
Let me tell you something about my girl Gina.
Gina worships the ground I walk on.
If I tell Gina to jump she just says, "How high?"
I tell her to watch her head 'cause you're going to the moon.
See, Gina don't give me all that back talk
'cause she knows she got a man that can..
...deliver.
Lord, would you be so kind
and send me a man as sweet, sensitive,
and respectful as Martin?
Because, Lord, he is all that.
- I'm going to kill him! - Girl, let me hold him.
What is the use of having a key to Martin's apartment
if there's never any decent food to eat in the house?
Tommy, check this out, look at this girl.
I've seen that magazine, Cole.
No, no, no. You ain't seen this one, man. She's perfect.
She got. She.. Aah!
What the hell's up with her feet? God!
Tommy, she's got onions, bunions, and corns.
You could make a salad with this thing.
It's disgusting, man.
Ew.
Give me the magazine, Cole.
I paid 2.95 for this magazine.
They could at least put her a pair of socks on.
You know you been looking at them girls too long
when you start noticing their feet.
- Give it here. - Yo! Give it back.
Boys, I'm home.
♪ Ho Martin Paine-a-maker ♪
♪ Jump jump ♪♪
Aah! Aah!
Yo, my man, your show hit home today.
- Give me love. - Come on.
Thank you. Thank you for being there for me.
Tommy, what's up? What'd you think?
I think Gina's going to hurt you bad.
You know what, don't worry.
I got Gina in check, okay?
Look, I was trying to end all this male sensitivity bull.
Hey, hey. Men are dogs. Okay. We all are. Women know this.
They should accept it and deal with it.
That's what I'm sayin'.
Now, let me ask my brothers a question.
You brothers don't cry, do you?
Get out of here with that. You're crazy.
My bad. My bad.
I've cried.
- You did? - Say what?
I was seven. My hand got caught in the trash compactor.
Oh, alright, seven. If you'd said you was eight
you'd have been a punk.
Yeah. Yeah.
Girl, you better tell him.
(Sheneneh) 'How you doing?'
Oh, no, no, no.
How y'all do?
Look at the little businesswomen. Uh-huh.
So tonight's the night I get your man.
Sheneneh, what are you talking about?
I heard him on the radio.
He was real good.
So, I know you're goin' in to dump him.
Why don't you send him over to 41, alright?
'Cause I know how to tame that man, alright?
I'm not dumping him, Sheneneh.
I'm just setting some things straight.
Hola, hola, hola, hola.
Daddy doesn't have to set straight.
Your man tell you to jump.
You say, ha ha. I mean.
Duh! We have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out.
Girl, mind your ugly business
and get back into your apartment.
Oh, my goodness.
Check out girlfriend with the Elvis dress on.
Let me tell you something, alright.
You do not know me, okay?
You don't know me. I'll bust your ass, alright?
Pam, Pam. No, wait.
Well, let the busting begin.
She don't know she's dealing with me.
Let her go! Let her go!
You let her go! Let her go!
Sheneneh! Sheneneh!
- What? - Get back into your apartment!
Put your shoe on. She's not worth this!
Not.. Not worth it?
Oh, well, girl, that ain't what your man think.
Let me tell you something, Miss Elvis.
You ain't heard the last of me, alright?
Girl, I should bust you in your ear right now.
That did it. That did it!
That did it, Gina!
Pam!
Goodness, girl!
Hey, shh! Martin, Martin.
(Cole) 'Martin, shh!'
She's going to hurt you bad.
Martin, could I see you alone in the bedroom, please?
- Oh, hold up. Gina, hold up. - What?
Who this?
Trust me. You don't want to know my name right now.
Okay, fine.
Why's she frontin' that?
'Cause she knows she want me, right?
Y'all know that she want me bad. She want me.
Excuse me. I what?
Why, you pathetic little stump of a man.
Whoa, Pam.
Pam! Respect my house. The man's just playing with you.
Respect my house.
You are going to talk about respect?
We heard the show today, Martin.
So how'd you like it, Sister Souljah?
You know, I thought it was one of my best shows.
Look, I'd rather not talk about this in front of your friends.
No, no, no. It's cool baby, you come storming in here
you got something to say, say it in front of me and my partners.
Whazzup?
Okay.
I want to know why you say you never cry
when I saw you cry three nights ago at "Beauty and the Beast?"
Can I see you in the room for a minute?
Could I see you in the room for a minute?
Trying to embarrass me all up in front of my..
Yo, babe. I know you're not mad.
How dare you embarrass me like that on the radio today?
Gina, it's my job, to talk that way.
You know, I don't mean any of it, babe.
Oh, you better not
because if you believe all that macho front crap
you spat out on the radio today
you don't respect me or the relationship.
Gina, how can u say that? You know I respect you.
Then you go out there and tell your friends what's real.
Wait a minute, damn it.
What's real between me and you ain't none of their business.
Shh.
[chuckles]
So you're saying that you respect me in private
but not in public?
- Gina. - Fine, it's over, Martin.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're making me laugh.
You're gonna break up with me
because of what I do on the radio?
No, because of what you do to me on the radio.
Damn it, Gina!
Now, I'm mad.
You don't get it do you? This is childish, Gina.
That's alright. You gonna leave, alright.
I'm a man, Gina. I'm gonna be alright.
'This is childish.'
I want you out. I don't know why you're still here. Step!
Step!
[squealing]
You won.
You won, baby.
- I what? - You won. Damn!
You're not ever, ever gonna disrespect me
like that on the radio again ever?
- Never, babe. Alright? - Alright.
- Alright? - Alright.
- I'm sorry. - Okay.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Grab my ears?
Mmm..
Mmm, mmm..
Girl.
Oh, my goodness.
I thought you was going to leave me.
I can't have that. You got some good stuff.
Stop it. Come on.
People are waiting for us outside.
My ba-by.
Baby, I know it's not the right time, but I'm begging you.
What?
When we go out can you make it look like I won?
What were we just talking about?
It's a man thing. It's a man thing, Gina.
Come on.
- Okay, okay - Yeah.
- Okay. Under one condition. - What?
You come with me to this office party tonight.
- Gina-- - Hey, hey, hey.
If I'm going to play your game, you gotta play mine.
- Gina, I don't.. Alright. - Fine, I'm going outside--
I'm going to the party, alright?
I'm going to the party.
Alright?
Alright. Just let me get rid of Pam first.
If she sees I gave in, she'll get violent.
Alright.
I love you.
I know.
And don't let it happen again!
[screaming]
Yo, Pam! I asked you to respect my house!
Ooh, Gina. You better get your girl.
I'm about to go over your girl.
Pam, could you wait for me downstairs? Everything's okay.
Please? Thank you.
Sure.
My work here is done.
Hey, Cole.
I think she loves you.
[laughing]
So did you guys get yourselves straightened out?
Hell, yeah.
Am I right?
Right, Martin.
Alright.
I'm a man. You're a woman.
That's all that needs to be said. Am I right?
Girl, I asked you.
Can't argue with that. Look. I have to go.
Hey, woah, woah, woah.
You call me in an hour.
You know the number. There's seven of them.
Call me.
I'm going to call you.
Wait, wait. You don't walk out with my sugar.
Thank you very much. Thanks. I love you.
Pick me up in an hour
and don't forget your tie. You got that?
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Damn!
[Cole laughing]
My brother, I did not know you had it like that.
I'm a man.
Yeah, but in there, she hurt you bad, didn't she?
[sniggers]
Only because I told her to.
[theme music]