Ah-hyuck!
♪ H-h-h-hit it ♪
♪ Like father, like son ♪
♪ You're always number one ♪
[both] Yes!
♪ There's buddies There's pals ♪
Yeah!
♪ You always seem to work things out ♪
♪ Can't you see you're two of a kind ♪
♪ Lookin' for a real good time ♪
Whoa!
♪ A real good time ♪
Aah!
♪ Report to the Goof Troop ♪
♪ And we'll always stick together ♪
♪ Always stick together ♪
♪ We're the Goof Troop ♪
♪ The best of friends forever ♪
♪ Side by side wherever we go ♪
♪ We're always ready to roll ♪
♪ Now gimme a beat ♪
♪ We're the Goof Troop ♪
♪ And we always stick together ♪
Gawrsh!
♪ We're the Goof Troop ♪
♪ The best of friends forever ♪
♪ Now we're calling everyone ♪
♪ Come along and join the fun ♪
♪ Report to the Goof Troop ♪
♪ Baa ba doo da bop baa ba doo bop ♪
Yeah!
[violin music playing]
[cat screeches]
Hey, Waffles, what's the matter, fella?
[screeching]
[yells]
Ooh! Ah! Oh!
Whoa!
Waffles, you're OK.
I thought you'd gotten your tongue caught in the blender again.
[whining]
Come on, boy, tell daddy what's botherin' ya.
The same thing that's bothering me--
these dweebie violin lessons.
[violin plays off-key]
[screeching]
[crash]
See what I mean?
You wanted to be in the school band.
I'm kinda glad you ended up with the violin, Max.
You are?
Let me show you.
Sometimes a picture book is worth a thousand words.
[gasping] The family photo album!
Dad, Dad, I'll practice! Honest!
Now, just sit back and listen while I tell you
about your great-great- great-great-great-great great-granddad
Goofin' Hood.
Boy, I didn't realize how great he was. Ah-hyuck!
This is about sir Goofy of knock-knees,
the greatest bowman in England.
It all began when the Tucker forest was haunted
by a certain band of outlaws.
They were called the Melancholy Men.
[donkey snorts]
The reason they were so melancholy
was 'cause they were so rotten at being rotten.
Welcome to Tucker forest.
-Ooh! Stop that, ya squid. -Oopsie! Sorry.
Sorry about that, it's my fault.
Sorry.
Oh, dear, it's the melancholy men.
Whatever shall we do?
Ha ha ha ha!
Welcome to the Tucker--
You already did that part.
Will you shut your gob?
Oh, sorry. My fault.
Hand over that ill-begotten tax money
in the name of the downtrodden, you slimy sheriff.
I just eat this up with a spoon.
Or what?
Or else.
Hmm, I choose "else."
You asked for it, buster.
Ha ha ha ha!
Have at them, men!
[yelling]
Ohh!
Ha ha ha!
You guys are more fun than amateur night
in the torture chamber.
Thanks, fellas. You've demonstrated once again
what an incredible sheriff I am.
I think I'll up the taxes again in appreciation of myself.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
[Goofy] Sir Pete returned
to beautiful Downtown Halfbakedham Castle.
And Sir Pete received his customary welcome from Prince Freddy,
the only man in the kingdom
that made Pete a little nervous.
Oh, I--I love you!
I love you! I love you!
[smacking]
[Sir Pete] And everyone loves you, too, sire,
all except the Melancholy Men, of course.
I'm not too fond of the spud, either.
Who cares about you, you silly old Richard the chicken-hearted?
Oh! I have your crown, I have your throne.
An-- And as soon as I catch that nasty Princess of yours,
I'll have you right where I want you,
so there!
You also have an unfortunate personality,
you malignant little tick.
[Freddy] Ooh! That's it.
Dungeon time for you,
you-- you-- you busterino!
[Pistol] You leave my daddy alone, short stuff.
It's Princess Pistol!
Don't worry, Daddy. I'll save you somehow.
Ooh, get that icky child.
Whee!
[grunts]
This is fun!
Pistol, my little Petunia,
procure assistance from the outlaws.
It is our only hope.
OK, Daddy. Bye-bye.
Get her! Get her! Get her!
[Pistol] Gangway!
[Freddy] Ooh, I'm so mad!
She's gonna join those oogy outlaws.
Don't worry, your princefulness,
I can handle those slugs easy.
You better, or you know what you'll get.
[gulping]
Now getting back to Sir Goofy of knock-knees.
-Max? -[snoring]
At this moment, Sir Goofy of knock-knees arrived in Halfbakedham
to touch nature with music...
[violin plays off-key]
The way nature touched back.
But old knock-knees kept right on practicing,
knowing it would pay off.
I'm Sir Goofy of Knock-Knees,
the greatest bowman in England.
It's against the law to hunt in the King's Forest.
I wasn't huntin'. I was making music.
Huntin' for a good note.
[laughing]
I take requests, you know.
Well, can you play so low I can't hear you?
[laughing]
Here's some money.
Go get your ears fixed.
Wow! A gratuity.
I always wanted to be a professional musician.
[violin plays off-key]
Stop! In the name of--
Don't worry, fellas.
Plenty more where that came from.
I'll play anything for money. Encore?
Here, take it.
If it's money you want, it's money you'll get.
I just love the music business.
[Goofy] The news spread like wildfire.
At last there was a champion
to stand up to the sniveling Prince Freddy.
At last there is a champion
to stand up to the sniveling Prince Freddy.
I just said that.
Sorry.
[violin plays off-key]
[men screaming]
Help!
Gawrsh! There's more money in music than I thought.
I'm Princess Pistol, and I'm so glad you're here,
'cause now you can help the poor and save my Daddy,
and thrash that oogy Prince Freddy and Sir Pete.
Well, Princess, that seems like a mighty tall order
for a fiddle player.
And when you're all done, you can be our royal musician.
It's a deal.
Not so fast, buster.
We got a bone to pick with you.
Business has gotten pretty slim around here because of you.
There's only room for one band of outlaws
in the Tucker Forest.
So we wondered if you'd like to be the leader of our band?
The leader of my own band?
Gawrsh! [sniffles] It's a dream come true.
All for one and one for all.
Wrong story, stupid.
[yawns] Great story, Pop.
You sure know how to keep an audience
glued to their seats.
Hold on, Max, I'm not through.
In no time, Goofin' Hood and the Melancholy Men
were number one
on Prince Freddy and Sheriff Pete's hit parade.
[stuttering] It's not the stealing that bothers me,
but giving it to the poor?
That's a horrible thing.
If this keeps up, we'll be so broke,
he'll be giving us donations.
Yeah, that gives me an idea.
♪ We've got money for food ♪
♪ And money for shoes ♪
♪ And money to drive Prince Freddy mad ♪
♪ Poor lad ♪
[laughs] Wow. You look like you need lots of help.
Ooh, hoo hoo!
I have everything I need right here.
Hey, hands off, buster.
I'm a personal friend of Goofin' Hood, you know.
Oh, I'm aware of that, Princess,
very aware indeed.
[Prince Freddy] [stammering] A tournament?
Goofin' Hood is robbing us blind,
and you want to throw him a ce-- ce-- celebration?
Relax, your Freddyship.
You know that bonehead
is going to try and rescue the Princess.
Of course he is. He's a hero.
Well, we don't want him to show up
when we don't expect him...
So we fix it, so he shows up when we want him to.
Ha ha!
You're clever. You're very clever.
Oh, I love it.
[Goofy] Goofin' Hood,
bein' a hero whose heart was true,
who never let using his head
get in the way of a good deed,
walked happily into Sir Pete's trap.
Oh, I sure hope these here disguises work, Goofin' Hood.
You all remember what it is we're here to do, right?
[all] Sure do. Yeah.
Good.
What is it again exactly?
We're fixin' to rescue the Princess...
While you keep Sir Pete busy in the tournament.
Right. Keep Sir Pete busy.
How do I do that?
Just do what the book says and you'll be fine.
Oh, yeah. The book.
[trumpet fanfare]
I-- I don't see anybody 10 feet tall in a black Hood.
He's here.
And he'll give himself away sooner or later.
Let's get started.
Citizens, citizens, be seated
and let's get on with the tournament.
[trumpets blare]
Not so loud!
Now let the games begin!
[trumpets blare]
What's the matter, cowards,
nobody willing to take me on?
Couldn't be because I won every tournament
in the last five years? [laughing]
I'll take you on, Sheriff.
[gasping]
Who're you?
Oh, just a humble subject,
not a famous bandleader in disguise
or anything like that.
Well, watch this and weep, peasant.
Actually, I prefer the term "itinerant serf".
[Pete] Bull's-eye.
Gawrsh!
Beat that.
[narrator] How to be a knight in your spare time,
chapter one.
Ah, the trusty bow and arrow--
the perfect marriage of tensile strength and delicacy,
of tension and release.
[boing]
Nice tone.
This arrow is truly the feathered friend
of every fighting man worth his salt.
Place the arrow's feathered end
into the bowstring.
I said the feathered end!
I never played one of these things before.
Good.
Now smoothly and firmly draw the bowstring backward
until it's taut.
Tauter...
A little more taut.
I'm being taught to make it taut. Ah-hyuck!
Now release.
Aah! Hoo hoo hoo!
Lucky shot.
The next event will be jousting.
[trumpets blare]
I hate that!
Oh, goody, this is my best event.
I just rode in from Tucker Forest,
and boy, is my saddle sore. Ah-hyuck!
But seriously, folks, how about them crusades?
A hundred years of war--
there hasn't been a conflict this long
since the Prince's first marriage.
Wow! I'm hot tonight.
It ain't jestin', ya Goof.
It's joustin', see?
Uh-oh.
Uh! Ow! Oh! Ow!
Ugh! Ow! Ooh!
[narrator] In the joust,
it is imperative that the prospective knight
keep the point of his Lance or spear up!
Aah! Ooh hoo hoo!
Ya-hoo!
[donkey braying]
Piece of cake. Ah-hyuck!
Whoa, fella. Whoa! Easy.
-Whoa! -[crash]
The final event will be the most difficult of all.
-Hmm. -The swimsuit competition.
[trumpets blare]
[narrator] The peasant is wearing a fabulous design
by sir Calvin of Klein
featuring a scoop neck with a flattering waistband.
Sheriff Pete could bring about a renaissance
on any medieval beach
wearing this armored brief
beautifully accessorized by contrasting rivets.
You don't stand a chance.
You look like 6:00, Mr. Veiny-legs.
Look who's talking, Mr. Knobby-knees.
Well, I'd rather have knobby knees than knock-knees.
Knock-knees? It's Sir Goofy of knock-knees.
It's Goofin' Hood!
Arrest him! Uh, give him a fair trial,
then have him beheaded.
You gotta love the criminal justice system in this town.
[Goofin' Hood] The good news is that I won the tournament.
The bad news is that I'm gonna be beheaded in the morning.
Boy, imagine if I'd lost.
[trumpets sounding]
Hark! Trumpets!
Do you realize what that means?
The birth of the blues?
No, it means that pipsqueak Freddy
is convicting Pistol of treason.
Don't you worry about a thing, Your Majesty.
My band of Melancholy Men
has everything under control.
On second thought, worrying might be a good idea.
[men] Heave!
Heave!
[pants] It's no use.
We're never gettin' out of here without the right key.
[Goofin' Hood] Right key? Why didn't you say so?
I'm a musician.
Keys are my business.
All I need is some horsehair to make a bow.
Now, where are we gonna get horsehair in a dungeon?
Eh, what are y'all staring at me like that for?
Oh, no.
No, not that.
Stop!
No! No! Stop! Ooh! Ow!
[Goofin' Hood] Now findin' the right key should be a cinch.
I am the greatest bowman in England, you know.
Ah-hyuck!
[music plays]
Nope,
I think the right key is b-flat.
[music crescendos]
Yup. The door be flat, all right.
Ah-hyuck!
Come on, men,
let's rescue Princess Pistol.
Hang on, Pistol!
We're coming!
[stuttering] And how do you explain your aiding and abetting outlaws
against our royalness, you little Princess?
[Pistol] Outlaws? Outlaws? What do you mean, outlaws?
The only outlaws I know are the ones that stole my Daddy's throne!
[muffled shouting]
I-- I understood that.
O-- OK, so by the power vested in me by me, myself, and I,
I-- I-- I now pronounce you guilty as charged.
Aah! Ho ho ho!
Whoo!
Egad! Ow!
All right, no more Goofing around.
Whoa! Ho ho ho!
Don't worry, Pistol, I've got a plan.
Boy, oh, boy, some plan.
Just to show you two there's no hard feelings,
Prince Freddy and me are treating you to a last meal.
Our special today is swordfish
basted in a delicate cream sauce.
The soup du jour is clam chowder.
I'm not a big fish-eater.
How's the prime rib? Tender?
[Pete] Oh, yes, Monsieur, like butter in the mouth.
[crash]
Cease! Desist! Stop already!
Call out the reserves!
What is it?
It's my Melancholy Men.
They're playing my song.
[band music playing]
[men screaming]
[Pistol] Aah!
I have come for my throne, Cousin.
Aah! Take it already.
Just stop that horrible music!
Time to get rid of Goofin' Hood once and for all.
[grunting]
[Goofy] Well, Max, the battle went on for hours--
through the night
and into the morning.
Until finally,
Goofin' Hood and King Richard emerged victorious.
So, Sir Goofy of Knock-knees
became the royal musician.
And it was discovered that he played the Baton
a lot better than he ever played the fiddle.
And why he played the fiddle so lousy in the first place.
[band music playing]
Even Sir Pete and Freddy found a place
in the new administration.
Oh, I have such a headache.
Ah, shut up,
or I'll really give it something to ache about.
[Goofy] And the rest is history.
Sir Goofy went on to drive the rats out of Hamelin--
as well as most of the other population.
He wrote the 1812 overture
before anybody knew what an 1812 was.
And he never stepped on a beetle.
Thanks, Pop.
I think I really learned something from this story.
[Goofy] Really?
That persistence in something you want does pay off?
[Max] Yeah, that, too.
[violin music playing]
Ah, bummer. What am I gonna do now?
Oh, don't worry, Max. We'll get you some new strings
as soon as we find some cat gut.
Cat gut?
[screeching]
Gangway!
[laughter]
♪ Gimme a beat ♪
[theme music playing]
Yeah!