[ Whinnying ] WHOA, WILBUR, HERE I GO! [ Laughs ]
I'M RUNNING PRETTY GOOD NOW, AND I'M GONNA TAKE A
JUMP, AND... OH, I GOT WINGS, AND I'M FLYING! OH!
TRI-STAR PICTURES, WHERE ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.
* COME WITH ME MY LOVE TO THE SEA
* [ Woman Singing Along ] TO... TO THE SEA THE SEA OF LOVE
* OH I WANT TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU
* [ Woman, Harmonizing ] LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU, I DO
* BOM, BOM, BOM DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE MET
* THAT'S THE DAY I KNEW YOU WERE MY PET I WANT TO TELL YOU
* HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU [ Woman ] I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU
* BOM-BOM-BOM-BOM COME WITH ME
* OOOH, WITH ME. TO THE SEA [ Woman Giggles ]
* OF LOVE [ Woman Sighs ] MMM. *
IS YOUR DIAPHRAGM IN? MM-HMM. MMM.
OKAY. NOW, LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS STRAIGHT. UH, SANTA CLAUS IS REAL,
BUT GHOSTS AREN'T REAL. COWBOYS ARE REAL, BUT, UM,
WITCHES AREN'T REAL. DINOSAURS AREN'T REAL, AND MONSTERS USED TO BE
REAL. OR WAS IT THE OTHER WAY AROUND?
I GOTTA LISTEN A LITTLE BIT MORE. I MEAN, JUST BECAUSE
IT'S DARK DOESN'T MEAN MONSTERS ARE COMIN' OUT. THESE ARE JUST MY TOYS...
THE SAME TOYS THAT... I'M SURE THAT'S...I DON'T
REMEMBER IT HAVING BATTERIES, BUT I'M SURE THAT'S FINE.
I'M SURE THAT THERE'S A... OH... OH MY GOD!
MONSTERS! [ Roaring, Laughing ] THERE'S MONSTERS IN MY
ROOM! MAYBE I SHOULD GET UNDER THE COVERS NOW.
YEAH. I'LL JUST... [ Roars, Laughs ] -[Growls]
-[Screams] I HAVE TO GET THAT. NO, HE WON'T STOP.
HE'LL STOP. ALL RIGHT. -HELP! MONSTERS! -I'LL DO IT, OKAY?
OKAY. NO, NO. NO, DON'T READ YOUR ACCOUNTING
-MAGAZINES. -WHY NOT? -'CAUSE IT GETS YOU
-OUT OF THE MOOD. -MONSTERS! MONSTERS! -OKAY? ALL RIGHT.
OKAY. YOU BEHAVE.
OKAY, MIKE. I'M COMIN'.
-MONSTERS! -MONSTERS? WHERE?
THERE'S NO MONSTERS. LOOK, SEE? DO YOU SEE ANY MONSTERS?
WELL, YEAH.
I THINK IT WAS POPEYE. YEAH, HE WAS THE ONE WHO DID IT.
[Imitating Popeye] WHY, OF ALL THE THINGS... I'LL TAKE THAT GUMBY,
AND I'LL KNOCK HIM FROM HERE TO KINGDOM COME,
-I TELL YA. [ Chuckling ] -I THINK MY DADDY LIKES
-THESE TOYS MORE THAN I DO. -WHO ELSE? PEE-WEE?
NO. [ Imitates Pee-Wee ] HA. HA-HA-HA. HA.
I WONDER IF HE'S GONNA DO THE FLYIN' TURD GAG NOW.
WATCH OUT, MIKEY, IT'S A FLYIN' TURD. OW!
-GOOD NIGHT, HONEY. YOU'RE SO CRAZY. -I'LL JUST TUCK MYSELF IN.
-IS THAT GOOD? -WHY DID I CALL YOU IN HERE?
[ Snoring ] AW, COME ON, MOLLIE.
I TOLD YOU NOT TO READ THIS. NOW, GET UP.
-COME ON. GET UP, HONEY. -OH, I CAN'T. -WHY? OH, COME ON.
I JUST GOT HIM TO GO TO SLEEP.
WE NEVER GET TO DO IT ANYMORE. PLEASE.
PLEASE GET UP, HONEY. [ Groans ] I'M SLEEPING.
I KNOW. YOU WOULDN'T HAVE ANY FUN DOING IT
-WITH ME WHEN I'M SLEEPING. -WELL, IT'S NEVER
-STOPPED US BEFORE. [ Laughs ] -OH. MMM.
OH, COME ON. OUTTA MY WAY, MAN! THIS AIN'T NO WET DREAM.
[Shouting, Clamoring Continue]
HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON? AM I HEARING THINGS? YOO-HOO, IS SOMEBODY
THERE?
[Clamoring, Whooping Continue]
GET OUTTA MY WAY! I KNOW WHERE I'M GOIN', MAN.
BRIGHT IDEA. NOW WE'RE LOST.
WHY? I BEEN HERE BEFORE, THAT'S WHY.
WHO IS IT? WHO IS IT? WHAT DO YOU WANT? GO AWAY! OOH.
TAIL, DON'T FAIL ME NOW. WE ARE THE GUYS. WE ARE THE WINNERS.
I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN.
THERE WE ARE. COME ON, GUYS. LET'S GO. [ Panting ]
WE'RE IN. WE'RE IN. WE'RE DOIN' IT. WE ARE. LET'S GO. KEEP GOIN'.
KEEP MOVIN'. COME ON. COME ON. KEEP MOVIN' GUYS, PLEASE.
I DON'T THINK I CAN. I DON'T THINK I CAN. HELP ME OUT, BUDDY.
AS LONG AS ONE OF US MAKES IT. COME ON, BUDDY,
OH, NO. OH, NO, OH, NO. IT'S THE TADPOLE SQUAD!
EW. EW! [ Shouting, Clamoring ] [ Despairing Cries ]
YOU CAN'T BULLY ME! YOU CAN'T
GET THROUGH THIS DIAPHRAGM!
* NEENER-NEENER-NEENER HEY, GUYS, I FOUND A WAY THROUGH! *
OVER HERE BY THE RIM! YES!
HEY, BUSTER, HOW'D YOU GET IN HERE? THIS IS MY WOMB. GET OUTTA HERE! SHOO!
SHOO! HERE WE GO. YOU KNOW WHY I'M HERE.
NO! DON'T! STOP THAT! COME ON, GIVE IT UP.
GIVE IT UP! STOP DOING THAT! OW! EEE!
LET ME IN, BABY. LET ME IN. [ Continues Protesting ]
COME ON, MAMA. COME ON, HOT MAMA. YOU'RE A HOT MAMA.
-[ Both Squealing ] [ Sperm ] OW! HOT MAMA!
YES! YES! OOOH! [ Sperm Hooting ]
[ Egg Wailing ] WELL, HERE I AM...
ALL CONCEIVED AND NOWHERE TO GO.
AH YOU MISSED! GO WIDE!
LOOK OUT! OOH! [ Laughs ] HI, HONEY.
HI. HI, HONEY. HI, HONEY.
WHAT'D YOU GET FOR ME? THIS ISN'T FOR YOU. THIS IS FOR YOU.
-IT IS A--LA-DA! -DON'T YOU THINK HE'S A LITTLE YOUNG FOR THAT?
A LITTLE YOUNG? THAT HAT'S NEVER GONNA FIT ME!
-ALL RIGHT. YOU TELL 'IM. -I'M NOT TELLING HIM
ABOUT IT. YOU'RE THE GUY. FORGET IT!
-NO, WHEN WE HAVE A GIRL, I WILL EXPLAIN IT TO HER. -OH, BROTHER.
ALL RIGHT. HERE GOES. MIKE, THIS IS A POTTY, OKAY?
-NOW, WHEN YOU WANNA TAKE A PISS, YOU DO IT... -DON'T SAY "PISS."
ALL RIGHT. WHEN YOU WANNA TAKE A WHIZ...
-NO. -WHAT? "SEE A MAN ABOUT A HORSE"
"DRAIN THE SNAKE"? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO
-SAY? -"PEE-PEE." -PEE-PEE'S SUCH A WIMP
-WORD. I DON'T... -NO, PEE-PEE IS EASY TO SAY.
ALL RIGHT, WHEN YOU WANNA TAKE A PEE-PEE, OKAY,
YOU DO IT IN HERE. YOU JUST DO THIS. JUST TAKE IT OUT, OKAY?
-OH, COME ON. -WHAT? -DAD, WHO'S KIDDIN' WHO, HUH?
AND, THE SAME TOKEN, WHEN YOU WANNA TAKE A
-DUMP. -POO-POO. -THIS IS A JOKE, RIGHT?
-I KNOW IT SOUNDS DISGUSTING, MIKE,
BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA TRUST ME ON THIS, OKAY?
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT: YOU WANT ME TO TAKE A
-DUMP OUTSIDE MY DIAPER? -HE DOESN'T LIKE IT.
-HE DOES TOO. -HE DOESN'T LIKE IT. -WE JUST HAVE TO MAKE IT
FUN FOR HIM.
* COME ALONG AND BE MY POTTY BOY
-IS THIS REALLY AN
* -APPROPRIATE SUBJECT FOR A MUSICAL? [ Continues ]
* AND YOU CAN POTTY TOO YES, YOU MY GIRL LIKES TO
* POTTY ALL THE TIME POTTY ALL THE TIME YOU GOT TO FIGHT
* FOR YOUR RIGHT MMM TO POTTY
* YOU GOT TO FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TO POTTY *
-HE DOESN'T LIKE IT. -HE LIKES IT. -HEY, I DON'T CARE
WHAT THEY SAY. I AIN'T POOPIN' IN THAT THING.
I GOT MY STANDARDS.
IT'S YOUR KEYS!
TOSS 'EM! YO, THANKS, BABE. WHEW.
YOU WERE REALLY LUCKY WITH THOSE KEYS, I'LL TELL YA.
I WAS STARTING TO THINK I COULD REALLY LOVE BRAD,
THEN I NOTICED THIS FACE HE MADE, KIND OF LIKE--
LIKE, IF I SAID, "WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?"
THERE'D BE THIS FACE. YOU KNOW? OR, "HOW'D YOU LIKE
"THAT MOVIE?" IT'S JUST THIS FACE THAT SAYS, "I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?" AND THEN I HAD THIS FLASH FORWARD OF HAVING KIDS
AND THE KIDS MAKING THAT FACE.
-AND THEN I KNEW IT WAS OVER. -YOU ARE DERANGED.
YOU KNOW THAT, DON'T YOU? OH! OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF YOU WANT A BOY, YOU EAT MORE SODIUM-RICH FOOD.
IF YOU WANT A GIRL, YOU EAT MORE DAIRY. REALLY? WHO SAYS?
I READ IT. WHERE? HARVARD MEDICAL JOURNAL
OR THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER? I THINK THE STAR.
IF YOU HAVE A PREFERENCE YOU'D BETTER ACT NOW. THOSE SEX ORGANS ARE
FORMING SOON.
LET'S SEE. TWO ARMS, TWO LEGS...
AND TWO MOUTHS? [ Mollie ] "D," AND WHAT COMES UP?
DOG. -YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. I KNOW ALL ABOUT
COMPUTERS. -HOW 'BOUT THAT ONE? SCOOT OVER, GIRLS. I GOT A LOT
OF WORK TO DO HERE. LET'S SEE. I'LL JUST TRY...
THIS ONE. [ Keys Clicking ]
AND LET'S SEE, WHAT DO WE GET? A JAR! BEAUTIFUL.
I'M PRETTY GOOD AT THIS. MAYBE I OUGHT TO GET A JOB HERE.
[ Man ] WHAT ARE YOU GIRLS UP TO?
[ All ] NOTHING. -WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE? I DON'T KNOW WHY--
-WHOA. SO THIS IS HOW GROWNUPS
-GET SO TALL. -WE WERE JUST, UH, FINISHING UP
-THE, UH, MARGOLIS ACCOUNT HERE. -THE MARGOLIS ACCOUNT, HUH?
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO-- SEND MARGOLIS A
-SPREADSHEET WITH PICTURES? -[ Laughing ] NO. -TICKLE, TICKLE, TICKLE.
I THINK SOMETHING FUNNY IS GOING ON HERE, AND I--
-WHAT'S THAT? -WHAT'S UP, MY MAN?
IT LOOKS LIKE A KID. "IT LOOKS LIKE A KID." I CAN SEE IT'S A KID!
WHAT IS A KID DOING IN HERE? THIS IS NOT A NURSERY SCHOOL.
MR. RUSSELL, LET ME EXPLAIN. IT WAS AN
-EMERGENCY SITUATION. -OH, IT WAS AN EMERGENCY. I SEE. I SEE WHAT YOU'RE
UP TO. YOU THINK THAT BECAUSE YOU HAVE A SON
AND YOU'RE PREGNANT, YOU DESERVE SPECIAL CONSIDERATION.
OH, NO, I WOULD NEVER ASK FOR SPECIAL
-CONSIDERATION. -LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
ACCOUNTANCY IS FILLED WITH HARDSHIP.
IT'S NOTHING BUT SACRIFICE.
IF YOU WANTED SOMETHING EASY, WHY DON'T YOU BECOME A DENTAL HYGIENIST OR
A CAR-RENTAL PERSON? YOU KNOW, WHEN I HAD A BLEEDING ULCER, AND
I CAME OUT OF THE ANESTHETIC--
[Russell Continues Indistinct] SOMEBODY'S LOUD AND OPINIONATED.
-OY! -"WHERE'S MY ADDING
MACHINE? "WHERE'S MY CALCULATOR?" THAT'S WHAT I SAID!
AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE, YOUNG LADY, HUH?
* -HEY, I HAVE A KID. LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA HERE, SHOES. HAVE A DRINK.
* LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA [ Continues, Indistinct ] *
YOU MESS WITH MY MOTHER, YOU MESS WITH ME.
[MOLLIE] MIKEY, DRINKS ARE FOR DRINKING, TOYS ARE FOR PLAYING.
SO, HOW DID YOU ARRIVE AT THIS FIGURE FOR YOUR TIPS?
-I GUESSED. -YOU KEPT TRACK FOR A PERIOD OF TIME
-AND DID A PROJECTED ESTIMATE. -UH-UH.
-I MADE IT UP. -YOU MADE IT UP? -MM-HMM.
NOW, AS A FLIGHT INSTRUCTOR, YOU EARED $9,212?
REALLY? HEY, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
-YOU REALIZE... THAT THAT'S ONLY-- -177.
-$177 DOLLARS A WEEK. -IT'S NOT MY MAIN JOB. -YOU SEEM TO SPEND
-MOST OF YOUR TIME DOING IT. -MA, KNOCK IT OFF. -YOU HEARD HIM SAY IT'S NOT
HIS MAIN JOB. CUT HIM SOME SLACK.
WELL, SINCE I'VE BEEN MARRIED, I HAVEN'T HAD AN
OPPORTUNITY TO FLY. AT THE RATE I'M GOING, I'LL NEVER WORK FOR AN AIRLINE.
AT THIS RATE, THERE'S ALOT OF THINGS YOU WON'T BE DOING.
UNLIKE YOUR SON, STUART...
WHO'S GOT A PLETHORA OF OPPORTUNITIES, A REGULAR GENIUS.
[ All Arguing At Once ] WE'RE TALKING ABOUT YOU AND
-MOLLIE AND YOUR INCOME TAX. -EVERY TWO WEEKS HE CALLS MOLLIE FOR MONEY.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT STUART. HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT
AS SOON AS HE SETTLES DOWN.
HE HAS A DEGREE IN ACCOUNTING... WHICH IS LIKE MONEY IN
THE BANK, SOMETHING YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT.
MIKE, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO OUT AND GET SOME CARVEL?
I'VE GOT THE TIME, IF YOU GOT THE DIAPERS.
COME ON, BUDDY. COME ON.
[ Whispering ] I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT.
WHAT? WHAT DID I SAY? MA, YOU ARE FOREVER
-ON HIS CASE. -HE'S A SLOB. HE'S BELLIGERENT.
HE HAS THE EARNING CAPACITY OF AN ILLITERATE
IMMIGRANT. BUT I'M NOT GONNA SAY ANYTHING
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT. THAT'S WHAT I WANT.
THAT'S YOUR BABY SISTER, JULIE, IN THERE.
SHE'S KICKING! NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. MY SISTER IS IN MY JUICE CUP?
YOU WANNA FEEL IT? HERE. GIMME YOUR HAND.
-OH, IN THERE. WHOA! -DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN YOU GET YOUR HEAD
-CAUGHT IN YOUR PLACENTA? -I KNOW, LET'S PLAY HER
A LITTLE SONG, MOM. THIS WAS ALWAYS GOOD FOR ME.
* [ Plays Lullaby ] *
AW. OH, NOW I'LL NEVER GET
THAT TUNE OUTTA MY HEAD.
[ Snoring ]
WHEN I HAVE
THIS NEW BABY GIRL, I'M GONNA NEED YOUR HELP. OKAY?
AND YOU KNOW WHY? OKAY. TELL ME. BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA BE
JULIE'S BIG BROTHER. ALL RIGHT! LAY ONE ON ME!
NIGHT-NIGHT, HONEY. NIGHT-NIGHT. REMEMBER, YOU'RE GONNA BE
HER BIG BROTHER. I'M GONNA BE A BIG BROTHER.
OKAY, THAT FEELS PRETTY GOOD.
HERE WE GO, IN THE--
OOP! NOT IN THE NOSE. OKAY, BOTTOMS UP.
DO YOU BELIEVE WHAT THEY'RE
ASKIN' FOR TEDDY BEARS? I'M TELLIN' YA, IT'S A
CRIME. WELL, I THINK WE GOT EVERYTHING:
TEDDY BEAR, TEETHING RINGS,
P.J. SPARKLES. YES, I'LL KISS YOU.
HERE YA GO, ACE. KEEP THE CHANGE.
ALL RIGHT, BABY, HERE WE GO. GUM THIS DOWN.
NO, THERE'S NO SALT ON IT.
HEY! HEY, PUNK! GET YOUR OWN TOY!
ALL RIGHT. THAT'S IT. GIVE--YOU GIVE-- I'LL RIP YOUR LUNGS OUT!
GIVE IT TO ME! HEY, WHAT ARE YOU SMILIN' AT?
I GUESS YOU NEVER MESSED WITH ANYBODY'S BIG BROTHER BEFORE, HUH?
GIMME IT! OH. THERE YA GO. TAKE THAT.
HERE YA GO, BABY. YEAH, YOU CAN PUT IT BACK IN YOUR MOUTH.
MMM, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I'LL NEVER LET ANYBODY HURT YOU.
OH, WOW.
LOOKS LIKE I GOT MY WORK CUT OUT FOR ME.
WHAT DID I TELL YOU? LOOK AT THIS MESS YOU'VE GOTTEN US INTO.
YOU SEE, I TOLD YOU TO TAKE 48th. YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN 48th!
-48th IS JUST AS BAD. -HEY, LOOK, TAKE A QUICK LEFT.
-WE'LL SHOOT OVER TO 46th. -POOR DADDY--HANGIN' OUT
-WITH BUTTHOLES ALL DAY LONG. -46th! AH, YOU DIDN'T TAKE THE LEFT!
DAD, YOU WANNA THINK ABOUT GETTIN' SOME TOYS IN
HERE? I MEAN, IT'S LONELY IN THE FRONT SEAT.
MAYBE I'LL JUST PUSH THIS THING.
THAT DOESN'T WORK. WHOA! THERE WE GO. THERE'S
SOMETHIN'. I THINK I BROKE IT, MAYBE. OH!
-THERE IT GOES. RIGHT BACK ON. HE DIDN'T EVEN SEE ME. -LOOK, JUST PULL OVER.
-I CAN WALK FASTER THAN THIS.
-ALL RIGHT, FINE. WALK. -THAT'S TWO DOLLARS. HERE YA GO.
NO, WAIT A MINUTE. THA--MY KID MUST'VE
-PUSHED THE BUTTON! WAIT! -TOO BAD! DON'T BRING HIM TO WORK!
-AW, MAN. DID YOU PUSH THE BUTTON?
-YEAH. I THINK I DID. -AW, OH, MAN. -WANT SOME COOKIE?
IT'S A LITTLE MOIST, BUT TAKE A BITE.
DID YOU BRING THE SHOE BOX?
[ Mollie ] IF YOU DON'T STOP
FIGHTING-- -WHAT SHOE BOX? YOU SAW ME CLEAN THE
CLOSET. -DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME. BARRY. BAMBI.
[ Continue Arguing ] [ All Chattering ] ALL RIGHT, OKAY, ALL
RIGHT. COME ON. HEY, HEY, HEY! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!
NOW, LET'S DISCUSS THIS BAD BUSINESS LOAN.
[ Sighs ] BASICALLY, ALL THAT HAPPENED WAS
THAT THEIR UNCLE, ERNIE, CONVINCED THEM THAT IT WOULD BE
A REALLY GREAT IDEA... TO CALL THEIR RESTAURANT "EAT ME RAW."
IT WAS A GREAT IDEA. IT WAS GONNA HAVE SUSHI, STEAK TARTARE...
-AND RAW VEGETABLES. -YOU KNOW, "CRUDDITIES." -IT HAD A CERTAIN
QUIXOTIC QUALITY. -EXCUSE ME. PEOPLE THOUGHT IT WAS
AN X-RATED MOVIE HOUSE. YES, THEY THOUGHT THAT, BUT THEY STILL WANTED
TO EAT THERE. -NO, THEY DIDN'T. -IT WAS A DELIGHTFUL
-PLACE. -EVERYBODY WAS OFFENDED. -ARE YOU OKAY?
-I THINK I'M GOING INTO LABOR. -OH, MY GOSH.
THAT'S IT. IT'S TIME TO BLOW THIS POP STAND.
[ Couple Continues Arguing ] GEEZ, I'M ALL CRAMPED, AND THIS THING--
-DO YOU WANT TO RESCHEDULE? NO, NO.
YOU KNOW, THESE THINGS TAKE HOURS, BELIEVE ME.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S DISCUSS THIS $1,200 LOSS.
-I BELIEVE THAT WAS THE SALMON. -SALMON?
WELL, THE WHOLE IDEA OF SUSHI IS THAT IT'S FRESH.
[ Breathing ] I ATE AT A FIVE-STAR RESTAURANT LAST WEEK,
-LET ME GET JUST A SENTENCE OUT. -AND THEY GAVE ME FROZEN
-SUSHI-- IT WAS STILL COLD. -I DON'T THINK SO.
-I BELIEVE SO. -YOU'RE SO NAIVE WHEN IT COMES TO FROZEN
-SUSHI. -I'M NOT NAIVE! [ Gagging ]
-THIS'LL TEACH ME TO ACCESSORIZE. -COULD WE JUST ESTABLISH
SOMETHING HERE: DID UNCLE ERNIE HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE
-IN THE RESTAURANT BUSINESS? -NO. -NO.
ERNIE WAS MORE OF A-- AN IDEA MAN.
-THAT'S GIVING HIM A LOT OF CREDIT. -DO YOU HAVE THE BOOKS
FOR THE RESTAURANT? -BOOKS? -WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
PIECES OF PAPER WITH NUMBERS! DEBITS AND CREDITS HERE!
-NO, WE DON'T HAVE ANY OF THAT STUFF! -WOULD YOU NOT YELL AT HIM?
UNCLE ERNIE WAS AN IDIOT!
IT WAS A STUPID IDEA, AND THEY LOST THEIR SHIRTS,
[ In Demon-like Voice ] SO JUST ALLOW THE FUCKING DEDUCTION!
[ Panting ]
I HEARD LIFE IS SHORT, BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
[ Beeping ] DON'T BE ALARMED. NOW, YOUR BABY IS IN DISTRESS.
-WHAT? WHAT'S WRONG? -WE'RE GOING TO DO A CESAREAN.
RONA, WHERE IS SHE? OH, HI.
SHE'S RIGHT THROUGH THERE. HI! HEY, MIKEY!
-YOU'RE GONNA BE A BIG BROTHER, DOLL! -AND YOU KNOW WHAT, RONA?
I'M JUST THE RIGHT KID FOR THE JOB.
-DID MY HUSBAND GET HERE YET? -WE CALLED HIM. HE'S COMING.
-OKAY. [ Doctor ] -CLAMP.
-HONEY. -OH, JAMES, THE BABY'S IN
-TROUBLE. -NO, SHE'S OKAY SHE'S COMIN' RIGHT OUT.
-WELL, AT LEAST I'VE ACHIEVED MOST OF MY GOALS. -SPONGE.
-GET THAT. CLAMP. -HONEY, EVERYTHING'S GOOD. YEAH.
[ Doctor ] RIGHT THERE. SCISSORS. OKAY.
[ James ] OH, WOW. LOOK AT THAT.
[ Chuckles Nervously ] -INTERESTING. -ALMOST THERE.
-JUST A BIT LONGER. BLADDER RETRACTOR. -EDUCATIONAL--KIND OF.
-HOLD THIS BLADDER. RIGHT THERE. LET'S GET THIS BLADDER.
-I MEAN, IT'S-- -OKAY.
HMM.
[ Weakly ] I GUESS THIS IS... THE END.
-HERE SHE COMES. -NO, MY NECK! MY NECK!
HEY, YOU WITH THE SCISSORS! CUT ME SOME SLACK HERE!
-THERE YA GO. [ Wailing ]
AW, GEEZ, FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD!
[ Sniffling ] IS SHE REALLY OKAY?
SHE'S FINE.
HOW 'BOUT HIM? [ Laughing ]
-HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT. -THERE YOU GO.
OH, MY PO', SWEET BABY. YEAH. I'M GONNA TAKE
-EXTRA-SPECIAL CARE OF YOU. -HEY, YOU LOOK A LOT
-BETTER FROM THE OUTSIDE. -I'LL TAKE HER NOW.
-HEY, WHERE AM I GOING? -WHERE ARE THEY TAKING HER?
-TO PUT HER IN OBSERVATION. -WHAT HAPPENED TO
-MY QUALITY TIME? BYE, HONEY. -BYE, HONEY. BYE-BYE.
I DON'T WANT TO GO ANY PLACE. [Baby crying]
BYE-BYE, HONEY. BYE-BYE, HONEY. BYE-BYE. BYE-BYE, HONEY.
FIRST A LOUSY BIRTH, AND NOW THIS.
GEEZ, LIFE SUCKS.
OH, YES, YES. YOU'RE NEXT. OH, I HOPE SO.
BYE-BYE. BYE, DADDY. BYE, DOLL.
CONGRATULATIONS! HEY, RONA. THANKS.
-HEY, POP! ALL RIGHT! -HI, HONEY. HOW'S YOUR HEAD?
MMM. MIKEY, THIS IS YOUR SISTER, JULIE.
HIYA, JULIE. WELCOME TO THE OUTSIDE. I'M YOUR BIG BROTHER, MIKEY.
I'M GONNA BE IN CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE FOR THE NEXT
TWO OR THREE YEARS-- SMACKIN' YOU AROUND, GETTING YOU IN SHAPE,
TEACHIN' YOU THINGS. -ANYTHING YOU NEED, DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK.
-WHO'S THIS ASSHOLE? -NO, NO, SAY NO MORE. OF COURSE YOU'RE TIRED
AFTER ALL THAT TRAVELING, ESPECIALLY THAT LONG TRIP DOWN THE BIRTH CANAL.
[ Laughs ] -STOP, YOU'RE KILLIN' ME. -I GOT YOU A LITTLE
SOMETHIN' FOR COMIN' INTO THE WORLD,
AND HERE IT IS. HAVE A COW. -[ Wailing ] GET AWAY!
-ALL RIGHT, FINE. DON'T HAVE A COW.
EDDIE, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO GET A APPLE JUICE?
NO, I'M INTO MY TRAININ'.
-WHAT KIND OF TRAINING? -YOU KNOW--WEARIN'
-THE TRAINING PANTS, MAN. -AW, MAN, DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE GOIN' ALONG WITH
-THIS POTTY BUSINESS TOO. -YO, WE HAVE TO, MIKE, 'CAUSE
-THE TOILET MAN SAYS SO. -WHO? -MR. TOILET MAN. HE LIKES
TO EAT YOUR DOO-DOO AND YOUR PEE-PEE,
SO I SAY, GIVE IT TO HIM. -EAT YOUR DOO-DOO AND YOUR PEE-PEE?
WHO TOLD YOU THAT? MY MOTHER. WHY? YOU CALLIN' HER A LIAR?
-NO, I'M NOT CALLING HER-- -SHE TOLD ME THAT DIAPERS ARE FOR
BABIES. BUT EAT YOUR DOO-DOO AND YOUR PEE-PEE?
EDDIE, THE THOUGHT IS TOO HIDEOUS TO COMPREHEND.
-OH, YEAH? -I'LL TELL YA WHAT. LET'S TAKE
-MY LITTLE SISTER FOR A WALK. -ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, QUICK, WHILE THE MOMS AREN'T LOOKING.
COME ON, LET'S TAKE HER TO THE ZOO AND LEAVE HER THERE.
-GOOD IDEA. -HE WOULD HAVE A FRIEND. -I DON'T THINK SHE'S
GONNA LIKE THE LIONS, EDDIE. -AND THEY'RE BOTH
SCHMUCKS. [ Wailing ] MOMMY! MOMMY!
-WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! -UH-OH, BUSTED. -OH, HONEY, YOU OKAY?
-YEAH, SHE'S FINE. -DON'T EVER TAKE YOUR
SISTER AWAY LIKE THAT. YOU MADE MOMMY'S
-HEART JUMP INTO HER THROAT. -MOM, DO YOU HAVE TO BE
SO GRAPHIC? I WAS JUST TAKIN' HER FOR A WALK. I THOUGHT
SHE'D HAVE A GOOD TIME. I'M SORRY.
-ARE YOU OKAY, SWEETHEART? -HERE, LET ME GIVE YOU A PRESENT.
-HERE. WHAT'S THIS? -OH, MY GOD.
-YUCK! WHAT IS IT? -WELL, IT'S HOSPITAL GARBAGE.
-THEY MAKE CRACK PIPES OUT OF THESE. -OOOH.
-OH. LET ME SEE YOUR HANDS. -OH, MY HANDS ARE OKAY, MA.
OH, NO, DON'T-- OH, PLEASE, DON'T-- NO, DON'T--NO, PLEASE.
-THEY'RE OKAY. THEY'RE CLEAN. -GIVE MOMMY YOUR HANDS.
[ Grumbling ] THAT IS IT. I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS PARK.
SORRY, HONEY. SHE DIDN'T MEAN TO THROW THAT ON YOU.
-MIKEY, TIME TO GO TO BED. -WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
I TOLD HIM HE COULD WATCH A VIDEO. [ TV Clicks On ]
-HE NEEDS TO GO TO BED. -BUT I MADE A PROMISE HE COULD
FINISH WATCHING THE VIDEO. -HE CAN FINISH IT
-TOMORROW. HE'S TIRED. -DON'T UNDERMINE ME.
-YOU DON'T UNDERMINE ME. -LET'S TAKE IT OUTSIDE. OKAY.
* AH-DEE-AH-DEE-AH-DEE AH-DEE-AH-DEE-AH-DEE AYE
* EE-DEE-EE-DEE-EE-DEE EE-DEE-EE-DEE-EE-DEE EEE
* EE-DEE-EE-DEE-EE-DEE JUST BECAUSE SHE'S A BABY I HAVE TO GO TO BED EARLY. *
-WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT? -IF I SAY MIKEY CAN DO
SOMETHING AND YOU COME ALONG AND SAY HE CAN'T,
THEN YOU'RE CUTTING MY NUTS OFF RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM--
-HOW CAN I BE A GOOD DAD? -SO BECAUSE YOU'RE THE MAN,
AND YOU HAVE THE NUTS, YOU GET TO MAKE ALL THE DECISIONS?
I DON'T GET TO MAKE ALL THE DECISIONS
BECAUSE I'M THE MAN. LOOK, IF I PROMISE HIM SOMETHING, OKAY, DON'T
MAKE ME LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE.
OH, YOU'RE DOIN' A GOOD JOB OF THAT YOURSELF.
-KEEP IT DOWN OUT THERE. -PLEASE? -I AM HIS MOTHER.
I SEE MY TIRED BABY SITTING THERE, AND I KNOW THAT HE'S GOT
TO GET UP EARLY THE NEXT MORNING.
-[ Laughing ] FOR WHAT? -BECAUSE I'M TAKING HIM TO BABY GYM.
-OH, NO. NOT BABY GYM. -HE NEEDS TO LEARN TO SOCIALIZE WITH OTHER KIDS.
WELL, TAKE HIM TO THE PARK.
I'M NOT TAKING HIM TO THE PARK ANYMORE. TODAY HE PICKED UP A
-CRACK PIPE. -WELL, THROW IT OUT! -DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
-HOW MANY DISEASES HE COULD GET? -GOD, YOU'RE SO SCARED!
YOU'RE GONNA BRING HIM UP TO BE A REAL CRYBABY. I CAN SEE IT.
I AM GOING TO BABY GYM, AND I DON'T SEE
-WHY YOU CARE ANYWAY. -WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
-WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WHAT DOES IT MEAN?" -I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.
IT MEANS THAT IT'S YOUR MONEY, SO I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO
-CARE. -I DID NOT SAY THAT. -THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE
THINKIN', THAT YOU EARN MORE MONEY, SO YOU CAN MAKE THE
-DECISIONS, AND I'M OUTTA HERE. -I DO NOT MAKE THE
DECISIONS, AND I HAVE NEVER, EVER, BROUGHT UP MONEY WITH YOU!
WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE YOUR WAY?
IT DOESN'T! OH, YOU! SHUT UP, YOU!
[ Neighbor ] SHUT UP!
LET'S TAKE STOCK HERE. [ Arguing Continues ]
MY BROTHER IS 27 POUNDS OF STUPID.
[ Mollie ] NOW, LOOK AT THAT! -MY PARENTS ARE OKAY SEPARATELY,
-BUT AS A COUPLE THEY STINK. -WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
PUT ME IN A FUCKIN' DRESS? -[Arguing Continues]
[ Sighs ] I GUESS YOU'RE MY ONLY FRIEND, HERBIE.
INTELLECTUALLY, I KNOW IT TAKES AT LEAST THREE DATES
TO KNOW SOMEBODY, BUT, EMOTIONALLY, I'LL JUST LOOK
AT THE WAY HE'LL EAT SOMETHING DISGUSTING, LIKE CHILI DOGS.
AND THEN THIS VOICE INSIDE ME
SAYS, "YOU CAN'T SPEND THE NEXT 60 OR 70 YEARS WITH THIS
-GUY." -BOY, YOU'RE PLANNING ON LIVING A LONG TIME.
MOLLIE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. LIKE, YOU AND JAMES HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOREVER.
-YEAH, A YEAR AND A HALF. -FOR A NON-OBSESSIVE
-RELATIONSHIP, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD. -YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?
WHAT? I HATE THE WAY JAMES IS ALWAYS TELLING
ME HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MIKEY.
YOU KNOW, LIKE I CARRIED THE KID FOR NINE MONTHS. OH.
I'M THE ONE WHO WENT THROUGH LABOR AND ALL THAT PAIN.
I THINK I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. I SHOULD BE LORD AND
-EMPEROR OF THAT CHILD. -YEAH.
I THINK MAYBE HE JUST GETS FRUSTRATED, YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE A JOB THAT HE LOVES, LIKE WE
DO. WE'RE REALLY LUCKY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
-I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU TO DO. -YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO
DO? YOU HAVE TO TAKE CONTROL OF THE SITUATION.
YOU CAN'T SIT AROUND WAITING FOR THIS SCHMENDRICK YOU
MARRIED TO GET HIS ACT TOGETHER. HE IS NOT A SCHMENDRICK.
HE IS A GOOD FATHER, AND, FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
HE WORKS REAL HARD. WELL, THAT'S THE TROUBLE. HE WORKS HIS ASS OFF
FOR NOTHING. NOW, DADDY HAS AN ACCOUNT WITH CORPORATE PILOTS.
THEY EARN BETWEEN $30,000 AND $50,000 A YEAR.
I WISH JAMES COULD GET A JOB LIKE THAT. [ Chuckles ]
I'M WAY AHEAD OF YOU. WE ALREADY ASKED. ALL JAMES HAS TO DO
IS CALL FREDDIE, TELL HIM HOW MANY HOURS, WHAT KINDS OF PLANES,
THINGS LIKE THAT. NO. OH, MA! YOU KNOW IF JAMES HAD A
JOB THAT HE REALLY LOVED AND HE COULD MAKE MONEY--
OH, THAT WOULD BE GREAT FOR US. AND YOU HAVE DADDY TO
THANK.
-SIX. SIX. -SIX DOLLAR. -YEAH.
GRANDPA, A CARD'S A CARD. DO YOU HAVE TO NAME 'EM ALL?
WHAT KIND OF EQUIPMENT DO THEY FLY?
-I DON'T KNOW. YOU'LL FIND OUT. -WELL, AT LEAST WITH MY JOB,
-I CAN FLY DIFFERENT TYPES OF AIRPLANES. -JIMMY, WHAT DOES IT
-MATTER? A JET'S A JET. -WELL, YOU DON'T LOVE
FLYING, SO IT WOULDN'T MATTER TO YOU.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK THIS IS ABOUT WHAT KIND OF
AIRPLANES THEY HAVE TO FLY. WHAT IS IT?
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS.
-IT'S YOUR MOTHER, OKAY? -MY MOTHER? -YOU DON'T MIND THEM
CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE, BUT I MIND THEM CONTROLLING--
-THEY DO NOT CONTROL MY LIFE. -OH, WHY ARE YOU AND
-YOUR BROTHER ACCOUNTANTS? -BECAUSE WE DEARLY LOVE IT.
[ Laughing ] OH, COME ON. "DEARLY."
-YOU-YOU DEARLY LOVE BEING ACCOUNTANTS? -I DO, BECAUSE IT DEALS
WITH MY TWO FAVORITE THINGS: NUMBERS AND PEOPLE.
AND YOU KNOW ANOTHER THING? THEY CHECK OUR TAX RETURN
EVERY YEAR TO MAKE ME LOOK STUPID.
-OH, THAT ISN'T TRUE. AND YOU SAID IT WAS OKAY. -WELL, MAYBE IT'S NOT.
LOOK, JUST DON'T TAKE THE JOB. I DON'T CARE ONE WAY OR
-ANOTHER. -ALL RIGHT. FINE. I WON'T.
[ Sniffles ]
OH, HONEY. [ Crying ]
I'M SORRY. OH, SWEETHEART.
-I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP. -I KNOW YOU WERE HELPING ME.
[ Sniffles ] I THOUGHT THAT IF YOU DID
SOMETHING THAT YOU REALLY LOVED THAT YOU WOULD BE HAPPY.
I KNOW, I'M STUPID. I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID ANYTHING.
MY MOM AND DAD WERE JUST TRYING TO HELP, SO THEY TALKED
TO THEIR FRIENDS, AND NOW YOU HATE THEM.
-I DON'T HATE THEM. -AND I'VE ALWAYS BEEN REALLY NICE TO YOUR MOTHER.
OH, HONEY, LOOK. I'LL CALL FREDDIE
TOMORROW, OKAY? DON'T CALL HIM
JUST BECAUSE I'M BAWLING. I'LL FIND OUT WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT, AND I WON'T
PROMISE YOU ANYTHING. OKAY? IT WON'T BE BECAUSE YOU'RE CRYING.
-OKAY. OKAY. -OKAY. ALL RIGHT. GIMME A KISS.
[ Knocking ] [ Sighs ] WHO THE HELL IS THAT?
[ Knocking Continues ] WHO IS IT? DAMN IT. SOUNDS LIKE SOME KIND OF
NUT. HERE, LET ME-- [ Mollie Gasps ]
[ Sighs ] -DO YOU KNOW WHO I HATE? -STUART! HOW YOU DOIN'?
YOU'RE BACK IN TOWN! THIS IS MY BROTHER. THIS IS
JAMES. I HATE THESE DAMN ORIENTALS.
THEY'RE BUYIN' UP THIS WHOLE DAMN COUNTRY. NOW, DO YOU KNOW WHY?
-HE'S THE ACCOUNTANT FOR MITSUBISHI. -NOT ANYMORE. THE WAY I
LOOK AT IT IS AMERICANS HAVE TURNED
INTO FAT, LAZY SLOBS... WHO'D RATHER SELL OFF THEIR TOES
THAN GET OFF THEIR BUTTS AND WALK HALF A BLOCK. YOU THINK I COULD
STAY HERE FOR A LITTLE WHILE UNTIL I GET A NEW JOB?
YOU CAN STAY HERE AS LONG AS YOU WANT.
[ Playful Grunting Sounds ] I'LL MAKE UP THE COUCH! YES!
MOLLIE? MOLLIE!
OH, WHAT A DILEMMA. DO I STAY, OR DO I PEE?
WHAT IF EDDIE SAID WAS TRUE? MR. TOILET MAN EATING
YOUR PEE-PEE? OH, WELL. I GUESS I REALLY DON'T BELIEVE
THAT. BUT THEN, ON THE OTHER HAND,
WHAT IF THERE IS A MR. TOILET MAN? WELL, I THINK I BETTER
JUST TURN THE LIGHT ON, JUST TO MAKE SURE. AH, JUST AS I THOUGHT.
JUST A REGULAR OLD TOILET, HUH?
WAIT TILL I TELL EDDIE ABOUT THIS. EDDIE AND HIS BONEHEAD
-IDEAS. -HEY, YOU, YOU LITTLE PISHER!
-I'M TALKIN' TO YOU! -OH, NO! WHAT IS THAT? -HEY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED
-TO GIVE ME SOME PEE-PEE! WHERE'S THAT PEE-PEE? -WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT
PEE-PEE. I NEED THAT PEE-PEE! -OH, NO! MR. TOILET MAN!
LISTEN, I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU.
YOU BETTER GIVE ME THAT PEE-PEE. GIVE IT TO ME,
OR THE NEXT TIME YOU SIT ON ME, I'M GONNA BITE OFF YOUR
TUSHY! -YES! YES! [ Laughs Maniacally ]
-[ Screaming ] OH, IT'S OKAY, HONEY.
MOMMY'S HERE.
MOMMY. YEAH. MOMMY, DADDY. POTTY.
MOMMY'S HERE. OHH, SWEETHEART. IT'S JUST A DREAM.
-IT'S JUST A DREAM. -TOILET MAN. IT WAS... SCARY.
OKAY?
[ Stuart ] THE PROBLEM WITH THIS
-COUNTRY? -GET A LOAD OF THOSE EYEBROWS.
-IT'S A COUNTRY OF SOFTS. [ Julie Continuing ] -WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH
EYEBROWS? [ Stuart Continues ] EYES, I UNDERSTAND.
-MOUTHS, I UNDERSTAND. BUT EYEBROWS? -WHY WASTE MONEY ON NEW
-BOMBS-- -I WONDER IF I'LL HAVE A SET LIKE HIS.
-AM I RIGHT? -DADDY DOESN'T HAVE A SET LIKE HIS.
GOOD LUCK ON YOUR JOB INTERVIEW, STUDEBAKER.
IT'S A CONFUSING QUESTION. BUT I GUESS I'LL LEARN
-SOMEDAY. [ Door Slams Shut ] -MOLLIE,
-I WANT HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE. -OH, WE'RE GOING OUT!
WE'RE GETTING READY TO GO OUT! I'M SO EXCITED!
-I GOT YOUR NOSE! -OH, DADDY, DON'T TAKE MY NOSE.
-I GOT YOUR NOSE! [ Yammers Baby Talk ] OH, HI, MOMMY.
MOMMY, LET'S TAKE THE PLAY-DOH WITH US. THERE'S
SOMETHING I SAW I'D LIKE TO BUILD WITH YOU,
AND IF YOU'D JUST GET IT-- MOM? MOMMY?
DADDY?
-[ Door Slams Shut ] WHERE'D EVERYBODY GO? WHAT HAVE I DONE
-TO DESERVE THIS? -HEY, JULIE, DON'T WORRY. I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.
YOU'RE TOO LITTLE!
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN MY BROTHER WHEN HE WAS A KID. OH! HE WAS SO CUTE.
AND SWEET? I MEAN-- BUT NO MATTER WHAT HE DID,
HE WOULD GET IN TROUBLE. EVERYONE WAS ALWAYS SCREAMING AT HIM.
-YEAH. DADDY WAS LIKE-- -HE LOOKS JUST LIKE LEON.
-EVERYBODY LOOKS LIKE LEON. -DO YOU THINK SO?
YOU KNOW, I THINK IF MY BROTHER WAS IN A LOVING
ENVIRONMENT LIKE MY HOUSE... THAT HE WOULD REALLY
STRAIGHTEN OUT.
ALL RIGHT, AND SHUTTING DOWN.
OKAY. THANKS A LOT, BILL. OKAY, HERE WE ARE. [ Chattering ]
-EXCUSE ME. HERE WE GO. -WHERE'S THE BRIEFCASE?
-DID YOU LEAVE IT ON THE PLANE? -NO, I DIDN'T.
ONE MINUTE, ONE MINUTE.
-AH, THANKS. -I'LL LOCK UP, JAMES. -YOU BET.
-ALL RIGHT, HERE WE ARE. -THANK YOU. -GOOD NIGHT.
DICKFACE. GEEZ.
-HI, ELVIS. HOW'D IT GO? -HEY, PRISCILLA.
WHICH PART? WHERE THEY BLAMED ME FOR THE TURBULENCE
SPILLING RED WINE ON THEIR CLOTHES,
OR THE PART WHERE THEY BAWLED ME OUT FOR WEAK COFFEE?
OH, HONEY, YOU PROBABLY JUST GOT A COUPLE OF CREEPS.
YEAH, RIGHT. BUT DIDN'T IT FEEL GREAT UP THERE IN THAT JET, NOT
HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT DRIVING THE CAB?
-I MEAN, DIDN'T THAT MAKE IT ALL WORTHWHILE? -YEAH, I LOVE FLYIN' A
LEAR JET. IT'S JUST THIS BEEPER LIFESTYLE.
I MEAN, YOU'RE ON CALL ANYTIME, HONEY. THAT MEANS WE CAN'T
PLAN VACATIONS. WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS? I MEAN, COME ON.
-AM I A WAITER OR A PILOT? -OTHER THAN THAT,
HOW'D YOU LIKE IT? [ Growls ] [ Laughs ]
-DID YOU LIKE IT? I KNEW YOU'D LIKE IT. -YEAH, IT WAS ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT. I THINK I'M GONNA TRY IT. YEAH, YEAH. IT'S SOLID.
OH, I GOTTA BE HONEST WITH MYSELF HERE. I'M A FAILURE AS A BIG
-BROTHER. I MEAN, LOOK AT HER. -AND I'M GOIN'. I'M GOIN'.
-I'M... KIDDIN' MYSELF. -I TEACH HER HOW TO CRAWL, AND SHE'D BOUNCIN' AROUND
-LIKE A COCKER SPANIEL. -HERE I GO. OH! UH-OH.
-YEAH. I'M GOIN'. I'M GOING. -WAIT A MINUTE NOW.
SHE'S UP. SHE'S MOBILE. SHE'S MOVIN'.
SHE'S HEADIN' RIGHT FOR MY TOYS. HMM. WELL, MAYBE I BETTER
SHOW HER ABOUT TOYS RIGHT AWAY... BEFORE SHE DOES
SOMETHING DRASTIC TO ONE OF MY TOYS. ALL RIGHT, LET ME SHOW
YOU SOMETHING. COME HERE. THESE ARE ALL TOYS, RIGHT?
-YEAH. -SOME OF THEM ARE MINE,
SOME OF THEM ARE YOURS. THE WAY YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE
-IS I HAVE ALL THE GREAT TOYS, -LET ME SEE IT.
CAN'T I SEE THAT? AND YOU HAVE ALL THESE STUPID LITTLE...
-DON'T-HURT-YOURSELF BABY TOYS. -GEEZ. BUT I LIKE IT.
WELL, OF COURSE YOU LIKE IT. IT'S A BIG-BOY TOY.
-WELL, CAN'T I JUST SEE IT FOR A LITTLE WHILE?
-YOU CAN'T HAVE IT. YOU THINK YOU CAN JUMP RIGHT INTO A TOY LIKE
THIS? [ Chuckles ] GROW UP, KID.
-GEEZ, HE'S ALWAYS SO MEAN TO ME. -LOOK, HERE'S A TOY YOU
-CAN PLAY WITH--A NERF BALL. -I DON'T LIKE BALLS!
OH, DON'T CRY AGAIN. [ Sighs ] [ Stuart Shouting ]
-FREEZE! -WHAT THE-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
-I'M SORRY, MAN. -YOU HAVE A GUN IN MY HOUSE?
-THERE ARE KIDS HERE! -IT'S ONLY NINE MILLIMETER.
-IT'S NOT LOADED. -OH, MAN. THAT'S WHAT IS EXACTLY
THE STUPID THING PEOPLE SAY... WHEN THEY ACCIDENTALLY
KILL SOMEONE--"OH, I DIDN'T THINK
-IT WAS LOADED." -YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS MAKE ME LAUGH.
YOU'RE REALLY FUNNY. YOU KNOW, YOU STOCK UP YOUR CABINETS WITH
BOTTLED WATER AND FLASHLIGHTS, BUT WHAT DO YOU THINK IS
GONNA HAPPEN WHEN THE SHIT REALLY HITS THE FAN, HUH?
LIKE EARTHQUAKES OR FLASH FLOODS OR MUD
SLIDES, OR JUST, LIKE, A LOT OF CHAOS AND
HORROR, PEOPLE DYING IN THE STREETS,
AND YOU'RE SITTING NICE AND PRETTY WITH YOUR BOTTLED WATER?
NOW, THE GUY NEXT DOOR HAS GOT ONE OF THESE. WHO'S GONNA GO THIRSTY--
HIM OR YOU? [ Exhales ] I MEAN,
-THINK ABOUT IT. -YOU'RE NUTS. [ Groans]
MOLLIE, I DON'T WANT THAT MANIAC AROUND THE
-KIDS. -HE'S THEIR UNCLE. -OH, HE'S A MANIAC!
-HE SLEEPS WITH A GUN. -OH, HE DOES NOT. -HE DOES TOO. HE TRIED
-TO SHOOT ME WHEN I CAME IN. -STEWBALL?
-MOLL? -DO YOU HAVE A GUN IN THERE?
-IT'S NOT LOADED. [ Scoffs ] -IT'S NOT LOADED.
-I NEED SOME COVERS. -YOU KNOW, WHY IS IT IF I DRINK
OUT OF A STYROFOAM CUP... YOU GIVE ME A TWO-HOUR LECTURE,
B-BUT TRAVIS BICKEL MOVES IN WITH US...
WITH A SEMIAUTOMATIC WEAPON, AND IT'S OKAY?
CHILL OUT. THIS IS NEW YORK. WOMEN CARRY GUNS
IN THEIR PURSES. MOST PEOPLE HAVE THEM IN THEIR
NIGHTSTANDS. JIMMY, IF A LITTLE UNLOADED GUN
-MAKES HIM FEEL BETTER-- [ Scoffs ] -MAKES HIM FEEL BETTER?
MAYBE CLIMBING A TOWER... AND SHOOTING STUDENT NURSES
WOULD MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER. [ Sighs ]
GEEZ!
OKAY, NOW, THIS MIGHT SOUND
LIKE A STUPID QUESTION, DO YOU HAVE A FLIGHT TODAY?
BUT WHERE IS JULIE'S PENIS? [Parents Continue Indistinct]
I MEAN, IS IT IN THE TUB, MAYBE?
DID SHE BREAK IT OFF? [ Child's Voice ] NO PENIS.
OH, IT'S OKAY. [ Chuckling ] HE WANTS TO KNOW
-WHY JULIE DOESN'T HAVE A PENIS. -WHAT?
-YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM ABOUT GIRLS AND BOYS. -NOT AT THIS AGE, HONEY.
-NO, I MEAN, JUST TELL HIM WHY WE'RE DIFFERENT. -NO, YOU DO IT. I TOLD HIM
-ABOUT THE POTTY BIT. -ALL RIGHT. TAKE JULIE. GO SEE DADDY. GO SEE DADDY.
MIKEY, JULIE IS A GIRL, AND YOU ARE A BOY, OKAY?
LITTLE BOYS HAVE PENISES, BUT GIRLS DON'T HAVE THEM BECAUSE THEY DON'T NEED
THEM. IT'S LIKE MOMMY-- MOMMY IS A GIRL,
-SO I DON'T HAVE A PENIS. -BUT SHE'S GOT SOME SET OF BALLS.
-BUT DADDY IS A BIG-- -PENIS! -THAT'S RIGHT!
-HERE WE GO. WHAT'S THAT? -HMM. A PENIS.
-THIS ONE? -NO PENIS. -THAT'S GOOD!
-HE UNDERSTANDS. WHAT'S THIS? HMM. TOUGH CALL.
OH, BOY, WAS THAT STUPID, OR WHAT? IT WAS VERY STUPID.
I THINK I'M GONNA HAVE A HEART ATTACK. IT'S VERY--YOU SEE, AT
THIS AGE, PEOPLE HAVE A TENDENCY
TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK. YOU CAN DO THAT. YOU JUST GO UP AND DOWN.
BUT EVENTUALLY, YOU HAVE A HEART ATTACK, AND YOU--
JUMP UP AND DOWN LIKE THAT, AND DON'T FORGET TO
BREATHE. DON'T FORGET TO BREATHE! A LOT OF TIMES, PEOPLE
JUST DROP DEAD HERE, AND YOU SAY,
"WHAT HAPPENED?" "I FORGOT TO BREATHE. I WASN'T BREATHING."
JUMP! JUMP UP AND DOWN. YOU TWO, LIKE THAT. FINE.
YOU LIKE THIS HOUSE, DON'T YOU ? YES, IT'S A VERY GOOD HOUSE.
IS IT JUST ME, OR IS THIS GUY REALLY WEIRD ?
YOU JUST RIPPED MY FACE OFF.
SHE RIPS MY FACE OFF, AND YOU PUNCH ME.
OH, I'VE NEVER HAD SO MUCH FUN IN MY LIFE !
YO, EDDIE, CHECK OUT THE BLONDE ON THE MONKEY BARS ! YOU CAN SEE RIGHT UP HER DRESS
[ Laughing ] YEAH, MAN, THAT'S SHEILA. WE PLAYED DOCTOR TOGETHER
-PLAYED DOC... WHERE ? -RIGHT OVER THERE, MAN,
-BEHIND THAT BEANBAG THING. -YOU DOG !
GOTTA MAKE ANOTHER HOUSE CALL.
HMM. EDDIE GETS ALL THE GIRLS. HE'S NOT WEARIN' A DIAPER.
MAYBE I OUGHT TO GIVE THIS POTTY THING A TRY.
* WHEN YOU HAVE TO PEE YOU JUMP UP AND DOWN
* BUT SOMETIMES NOTHING HAS TO COME OUT
* SO YOU TRY TO JUMP UP AND DOWN A LITTLE MORE *
AND I DON'T HAVE TO PEE.
I DON'T HAVE TO PEE.
I DO HAVE TO PEE AND I BETTER GO SOMEWHERE.
HERE I GO. OKAY. NOW'S THE TIME. I JUST...
THAT STUFF REALLY SNEAKS UP ON YA.
[ Chuckles ]
HEY, I WANT A BALL OF KRAFT CARAMEL PIECES.
(TV) INTRODUCING WWF WRESTLING BUDDIES,
THE ROUGH AND READY WRESTLERS FROM TONKA !
WWF WRESTLING BUDDIES BY TONKA ? I WANT ONE OF THOSE !
HERE COMES THE NEW COBRA HAMMERHEAD !
THE COBRA HAMMERHEAD WILL SINK THOSE JOES !
WOW ! I NEED A COBRA HAMMERHEAD!
HEY, I WANT A COBRA "CAMERAHEAD."
IT'S FOR BOYS. GEEZ.
-HEY, PRISCILLA. -HI, ELVIS.
-MIKEY, GUESS WHAT I GOT YOU, BOY? -A COBRA HAMMERHEAD ?
-AN AIRPLANE ! -OH, MAN.
THAT'S A LEAR 24, JUST LIKE YOUR DAD FLIES.
YOU KNOW, ONE DAY I'LL TAKE YOU OUT TO THE AIRPORT
YOU CAN SIT RIGHT UP HERE WITH ME.
-YOU WANNA DO THAT ? -NO.
MAN, I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE INSULTED.
I GET UP FOR THIS JOB INTERVIEW THIS MORNING, RIGHT?
EVERYTHING IS GOIN' GREAT.
-IT'S FOR THIS LIBERAL-TYPE ORGANIZATION, RIGHT ? -WHICH ONE?
I DON'T KNOW. THE AMERICAN FOUNDATION OF CRYBABIES OR SOME SHIT.
HE TELLS ME THE SALARY, AND I WANTED TO KICK HIS ASS.
WHO DOES HE THINK HE'S TALKIN' TO, THIS GUY ?
STU, HONEY, ARE YOU HUNGRY?
NO, I'M GONNA CHECK OUT THE FASTER PUSSYCATS IN THE VILLAGE.
OH, THAT'LL BE FUN FOR YOU.
-YOU THINK I COULD BORROW $20 ? -SURE.
-HEY, STUART, NICE JACKET. -HEY, DO YOU MIND ?
-I GOT A DATE. -I GUESS NOT.
OKAY. HERE YOU ARE. AND I WANT YOU TO TAKE THIS. THIS IS SOME MAD MONEY.
JUST TAKE IT. I DON'T WANT TO TAKE THE SUBWAY, SO HERE.
THERE'S A LOT OF WEIRDOS, THERE. YOU TAKE A CAB.
-THERE'S A LOT OF WEIRDOS? -YEAH. TAKE A CAB. BYE, HONEY.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T MIND THAT EVERY JOB INTERVIEW HE GOES ON HE GETS UPSET.
IT DOESN'T REALLY BOTHER ME THAT HE TAKES MY CLOTHES WITHOUT ASKING.
I CAN EVEN PUT UP WITH HIS FASCIST POINT OF VIEW.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT BOTHERS ME ?
YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY TICKS ME OFF ?
IS THIS AND THIS. HE DRINKS EVERYTHING BUT A DROP
AND PUTS IT BACK. HE TAKES BITES OUT OF EVERYTHING
AND THEN HE PUTS IT BACK. HE READS OUR NEWSPAPERS, OUR MAGAZINES, HIDES THEM
BEFORE WE GET A CHANCE TO READ THEM !
-I'LL HAVE A TALK WITH HIM. -NO, NO TALK.
-I WANT HIM OUT OF HERE. -HE DOESN'T HAVE ANYPLACE TO GO.
-SEND HIM TO YOUR MOTHER'S HOUSE. -NO, THEY'D KILL EACH OTHER.
MOLLIE, WHY DO YOU PUT HIM AHEAD OF ME ?
-I DON'T ! -YOU DO ! JUST DECIDE, HIM OR ME.
THAT'S NOT FAIR! YOU CAN'T ASK ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN YOU AND MY FAMILY.
HE'S STILL YOUR FAMILY AT YOUR MOTHER'S HOUSE.
I'M NOT GONNA KICK HIM OUT, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
-I REALLY HATE YOU FOR ASKING ME TO DO THIS. -YOU HATE ME ?
YES, I THINK THAT YOU ARE BEING MEAN AND SELFISH.
-I THINK YOU'RE INCONSIDERATE AND STUBBORN.
-OH, YEAH ? -YEAH.
-I THINK YOU ARE A BIG, STUPID SLOB. -YOU'RE JUST BIG AND STUPID.
OKAY, I MAY BE BIG, BUT I AM NOT STUPID !
-SO, YOU JUST GET OUT OF HERE! -I PAY HALF THE RENT HERE, BABY!
WELL, I PAY ALL THE UTILITIES !
FINE ! ELVIS IS LEAVING THE BUILDING !
[ Door Slams Shut ]
HEY, I DON'T WANT HIM TO GO.
-WHAT HAPPENED ? -OH, YEAH ? CHASE MY DADDY AWAY,
I'LL SHOW YOU A THING OR TWO. HERE. HERE. GO AHEAD.
HEY, THAT'S MINE ! [ Mikey Continues Grumbling ]
ALL THE YELLIN' AND SCREAMIN' ALL THE TIME ?
HERE'S WHAT I THINK OF YOUR FRIEND HERE.
OH, NO !
HOW'S THAT ? BYE-BYE, BIRDIE.
THINK YOU'RE A BIRD, HUH? LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN FLY NOW !
[ Growls ] OH, MY FRIEND !
YOU HURT MY FRIEND ! [ Sobbing ] YOU CREEP !
* [ Elvis Presley ] ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT
* DO YOU MISS ME TONIGHT
* ARE YOU SORRY
* WE DRIFTED APART
* DOES YOUR MEMORY STRAY
* TO A BRIGHTER SUMMER DAY
* WHEN I KISSED YOU
* AND CALLED YOU SWEETHEART
* DO THE CHAIRS IN YOUR PARLOR
* SEEM EMPTY AND BARE
* DO YOU GAZE AT YOUR DOORSTEP
* AND PICTURE ME THERE
* IS YOUR HEART FILLED WITH PAIN
* SHALL I COME BACK AGAIN
* TELL ME, DEAR ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT *
[ Knocking ]
-MOLLIE ? -WHO IS IT ? -IT'S ME, RONA.
-HI, HON. -DO YOU MIND IF I STAY HERE FOR THE NIGHT ?
I'M TOO SCARED TO GO BACK TO MY APARTMENT. I WAS ROBBED.
WELL, OF COURSE YOU CAN STAY. WHAT HAPPENED ?
I WENT TO PUT THE KEY IN THE DOOR,
AND I SAW IT WAS A LITTLE OPEN. SO I PEEKED MY HEAD IN,
AND THE WHOLE PLACE IS WRECKED.
-OH, GOD, WHAT'D THEY GET? -EVERYTHING. THEY GOT MY TELEPHONE,
MY STEREO, MY CAMERA. THEY GOT MY GRANDFATHER'S GOLD WATCH. THAT POCKET WATCH.
-OH, HON. -THEY GOT ALL MY COSTUME JEWELRY,
AND SOME OF THAT STUFF WAS REALLY EXPENSIVE.
BUT THE WORST THING IS THE MESS: EVERYTHING THROWN AROUND,
JUST WHEN I WAS GETTING ORGANIZED.
-HELP ! FREEZE ! [ Screams ] -STUART, PUT THE GUN DOWN.
-RONA, THIS IS MY BROTHER, STUART. -HI. WHAT A SURPRISE.
MOLLIE NEVER SAID SHE HAD A BROTHER.
-HEY, I'M SORRY FOR AIMING THIS THING AT YOU.
THAT'S OKAY. NO ONE WAS KILLED.
COME ON, YOU CAN STAY IN MY ROOM TONIGHT.
OKAY. UM-- IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.
-MOLLIE SAID SOME WONDERFUL THINGS ABOUT YOU. -OH, YEAH ?
LOOK, I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU AGAIN.
-YOU MOVE ! -NO, YOU SHOVE OVER. THIS IS MY SIDE.
GET OVER ON YOUR SIDE. OOHH. [ Mikey ] WHAT, ARE YOU
OOHH.
[ Mikey ] WHAT, ARE YOU AFRAID YOU'RE GONNA GET RECOGNIZED ?
-BITCHIN' WHEELS. -YEAH, EXCEPT I GOTTA RIDE BESIDE HER.
-HERE, BUZZ OFF. -GET YOUR FINGER OUTTA MY EYE !
-YOU GOT A SISTER ? -HUH-UH. -SO MUCH THE BETTER FOR YOU.
YOUR MOM TELLS 'EM TO BE GOOD, THEY DON'T.
THEY JUST POKE YOU IN THE EYE.
WORSE, THEY... TRY AND STAY WITH ME WHEN I'M TALKIN' TO YOU.
-UH-HUH. -WHAT I'M SAYIN' IS, YOUR PARENTS COMPLETELY
-FORGET ABOUT YOU. -NO, DUDE. DON'T SAY THAT.
YEAH, WELL, THE WAY IT'S GOIN'. SEE YA LATER.
I GOTTA BAIL, DUDE.
[ Quacking ] MOMMY IS SO FUNNY.
SHE'S ALWAYS DOING SOMETHING SO INVENTIVE.
SHE'S THE GREATEST. SHE'S SO CLEVER.
IMAGINE, USING YOUR HAND AND TURNING IT INTO A DUCK.
[ Laughing ] [ Mikey Laughing Mockingly ]
SURE, SURE. LAUGH NOW.
WAIT TILL THEY TAKE OUT THAT BIG SHARP THING
AND START STICKING YOU WITH IT. HUH ?
I HOPE THEY DON'T STICK ME WITH ANYTHING TODAY.
SHE'LL PROBABLY BE A LITTLE KNOCKED OUT FROM THE SHOT,
SO NO DRIVING OR OPERATING HEAVY MACHINERY, HUH ?
I'M ONLY ONE AND I KNOW THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
WHAT'S THAT ?
OH, GOD. I CAN'T WATCH THIS PART.
OH... MY... GOD ! [ Crying ]
SO IT HURTS, DOES IT ? HMM ? HURTS JUST A LITTLE ?
[ Crying Continues ] WILL THIS PAIN EVER GO AWAY ?
MAYBE IT WILL, MAYBE IT WON'T.
HEY, LOOK AT THIS.
LOOK WHAT I'M DOIN'. I'M WALKIN'. I'M--
[ Grunts ] OH, MY TUSH HURTS.
HEY, MY FRIEND'S BACK.
[ Toy Squeaks ] OH. NOW I REMEMBER.
HE KILLED MY FRIEND.
AS GOD IS MY WITNESS,
I'M GOING TO LEARN TO WALK AND GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
HEY, MIKE, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE SEE A MOVIE ?
WHAT DO YOU SAY YOU CARRY ME AROUND TOWN FOR ONCE, INSTEAD OF HER, DAD ?
[ Laughing ] YEAH, BITE MY TEETHING RING.
ALL RIGHT. WE GOT SCHWARZENEGGER, AND WE GOT BETTY BOOP.
OH, TOUGH CALL. THEY'RE BOTH REALLY BUILT. THEY BOTH TALK FUNNY.
WELL, WHAT WOULD ARNOLD SAY IF HE WERE HERE ?
[ Imitating Arnold ] HE'D SAY, "DO IT. WHY DON'T YOU DO IT ?
YOU ARE HERE. SEE MY MOVIE." I DON'T KNOW, ARNOLD.
I THINK THEY'RE A LITTLE YOUNG FOR YOUR MOVIE, DON'T YOU?
YEAH, HE SAYS WE'RE TOO YOUNG.
-ALL RIGHT. -OH, MAN. DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE GONNA PULL THE...
"SIR, MY KID LEFT HER SHOE INSIDE, CAN I GO GET IT ?" GAG.
-OKAY. COME ON. -HE'S NOT GONNA GO FOR IT.
-SIR, MY KID LEFT HER SHOE INSIDE. CAN WE GET IT ? -YEAH.
-THANKS. -OKAY, I GUESS HE WENT FOR IT.
MIKE, HERE. REMEMBER YOUR OBNOXIOUS ROUTINE, OKAY ?
REMEMBER IT ? I LIVE FOR IT.
-SAY, "POPCORN, POPCORN." -POPCORN, POPCORN, POPCORN !
-CAN I HELP YOU ? -YEAH, THE KIDS KNOCKED OVER THE POPCORN
-IN THE THEATER. -POPCORN, POPCORN, POPCORN!
POPCORN, POPCORN ! ALL RIGHT. CALM DOWN. JUST A MINUTE.
[ Chuckles ] HEY, I CAN BE OBNOXIOUS TOO.
POPCORN, POPCORN ! [ Whining ]
[ Crying ] -POPCORN, POPCORN ! -OKAY. JUST GO.
[Whining, Crying Continue] OH, NO. REALLY ?
-YOU'RE GREAT. THANKS. -OH, YEAH.
-THANKS A LOT. -IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S OKAY.
ALWAYS WORKS.
[ James ] LOOK, YOU GUYS.
YOU KNOW I'LL BE HOME SOON. BUT IT'S JUST YOUR MOTHER.
IF SHE DOESN'T STOP BOSSING ME AROUND,
I'LL NEVER BE A GOOD DAD, RIGHT ?
I KNOW THAT ICE CREAM DOESN'T MAKE UP FOR ME NOT BEING HOME.
YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW. BUT IT'S A GOOD START.
[ Voice Cracking ] I MISS YOU KIDS SO MUCH.
PLEASE DON'T BE MAD AT ME, WHATEVER SHE SAYS, OKAY ?
AND, REMEMBER, THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU GUYS, ALL RIGHT ?
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, AND IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
I THINK IT IS HIS FAULT.
-YEAH, WELL, I THINK IT'S YOUR FAULT. -ME? YOU'RE THE BAD ONE.
-I MISS YOU SO MUCH. -OH, POP !
-DO YOU MISS ME ? -YEAH.
ICK. MALE BONDING MAKES ME SICK.
-SHE NEEDS TO BE CHANGED. -HI ! -OH. THERE YOU GO, MIKE.
JIMMY, HAVE YOU GIVEN ANY MORE THOUGHT TO WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT ?
* -WHAT ? ABOUT ME BEING A BIG, STUPID SLOB ? - I GOT A SPOON, UH
* I GOT A PLATE, UH, WE'RE GONNA BOOM-A-BOOM-A-BOOM-BOOM *
-NO, NOT ABOUT THAT. -THE PART ABOUT MY BEING MEAN AND SELFISH AND
YOU WANTING ME OUT OF THE HOUSE?
I'M SORRY ! I JUST GOT UPSET BECAUSE I DIDN'T THINK YOU APPRECIATED
ME GETTING YOU THAT J... MIKEY, STOP IT !
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT ! I'LL DO IT SOFT.
* I GOT A SPOON YOU KNOW, I'M NOT ONE OF THE KIDS. *
-I CAN DO THINGS FOR MYSELF. -OH, YEAH, LIKE BECOMING
AN AIRLINE PILOT WHEN YOU ONLY FLY TWO HOURS A WEEK ?
-IT'LL TAKE YOU TILL YOU'RE 50. -FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
* I GOT MYSELF A JOB. I GOT A PLATE, UH WE GOTTA BOOM-BIDDY-- *
-KNOCK IT OFF ! -KNOCK IT OFF ! -WHOA !
WHY'D THEY DO THAT ? HE WAS JUST WORKING HIS PLATE.
* I WAS DREAMIN' OF THE PAST
* AND MY HEART WAS BEATING FAST
* I BEGAN TO LOSE CONTROL
* I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOU
* I'M SORRY THAT I MADE YOU CRY
* OH, NOW I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT YOU
* I'M JUST A JEALOUS GUY
* I WAS FEELIN' INSECURE
* YOU MIGHT NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE
* I WAS SHIVERING INSIDE
* OH, I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOU
* I'M SORRY THAT I MADE YOU CRY OH, NOW
* I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT YOU
* I'M JUST A JEALOUS GUY
* WATCH OUT I'M JUST A JEALOUS GUY LOOK OUT *
I'M SORRY, JULIE. [ Kisses ]
'NIGHT, BABY. [ Kisses ]
[ Rona Giggling ] [ Sighs ] [ Whispered Chattering]
[ Stuart ] I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU CAN...
[ Both Laughing ] I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.
LISTEN. [ Laughing Continues ]
SO I SAID TO THIS GUY, "WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF IDIOT ?"
[ Rona ] OH, COME ON.
I DID. -I SAID, "FILE SCHEDULE C." -FILE SCHEDULE C.
THAT'S RIGHT. [ Laughing Continues ]
YOU WOULD, HUH ? I WOULD WHAT ?
FILE SCHEDULE C. YEAH, I WOULD. [ Chuckles ]
OKAY, I CAN DO IT HOLDIN' ON.
BUT I WONDER IF I CAN MAKE IT ALL THE WAY TO THE COUCH.
ALL RIGHT. HERE GOES NOTHIN'.
YEAH, I'M DOIN' IT. I'M DOIN' IT.
-I'M GETTIN' THERE. YES ! [ Gasps ] -YOU WALKED !
I DID IT ! I MADE IT ! I WALKED !
HONEY, YOU WALKED ! YOU WALKED ! STUART ! YOU WALKED !
JAMES ! JULIE...
[ Rona ] JIMMY CALLED. HE'S GONNA PICK UP THE KIDS TOMORROW.
[ Mollie ] DID HE ASK TO TALK TO ME AT ALL ?
WELL, IT'S ONLY BEEN A COUPLE OF DAYS.
-FINE, FINE. LET'S WORK. -I GOT A SPOUSE WHO WANTS TO MAKE A CONTRIBUTION
INTO AN IRA ACCOUNT, AND HER HUSBAND'S COVERED BY A PENSION PLAN.
YOU'D LOSE A $2,000 DEDUCTION.
I ACTUALLY THINK YOU'RE JUST BEING LAZY.
YOU NEED TO DO A SEPARATE AND A JOINT RETURN AND SEE WHICH ONE TURNS OUT BEST.
-I KNOW. -I KNOW YOU KNOW. -I KNOW YOU KNOW I KNOW.
GET A LOAD OF THIS ASSHOLE HERE. HE'S A TEACHER, RIGHT ?
SO HE FIGURES THAT HIS CHAIR AND HIS DESK ARE ONE-FOURTH.
OF HIS SIX-ROOM APARTMENT.
SO HE DEDUCTS ONE-TWENTY FOURTH OF HIS RESIDENCE AS WORK SPACE.
STUART, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
-HE CAN DO IT. -IT'S ONLY ONE-TWENTY FOURTH, WHO'S GONNA CARE?
FIRST OF ALL, HE HAS A CLASSROOM,
AND HIS SCHOOL HAS A TEACHER'S LOUNGE. THAT'S EMPLOYER-PROVIDED WORKSPACE.
-YOU CAN'T DEDUCT THAT. -YOU'RE TOO STRICT.
-YOU COULD GET AWAY WITH IT. -YOU WANNA BE A CRIMINAL ? GOOD.
[ Laughing ] WHAT IS WRONG, DOLL ?
LOOK AT US. IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT AT 10:00,
AND WE'RE HERE WITH OUR 1040s.
-[ Together ] IT'S TAX SEASON. -I DON'T CARE. WE SHOULD BE OUT, HAVING FUN.
HEY, THIS IS FUN. [ Scoffs ]
-I KNOW WHAT'S WRONG. -NO, YOU DON'T. -I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
OKAY, WHAT AM I THINKING ?
YOU'RE THINKING ''WHAT'S JIMMY DOING? HE'S OUT THERE HAVING A BALL.''
[ Scoffs ] YEAH, "BALL" BEING THE OPERATIVE WORD.
MOLLIE, COME ON. HE'S PROBABLY ON HIS SISTER'S COUCH WATCHING TV.
-HE'S PROBABLY GETTING LAID. -OH, STUART ! -THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THAT'S JUST WHAT I NEED TO HEAR.
MR. WONDERFUL, MY BROTHER.
-IT WAS JUST A PHYSICAL THING. -JUST WORK.
-HEY, RONA. LET'S GO AND GET SOMETHING TO EAT. -OKAY, LET'S GO.
* [ Rock ] LAST NIGHT A LITTLE DANCER
* CAME DANCING TO MY DOOR
* LAST NIGHT A LITTLE ANGEL CAME PUMPIN' ON THE FLOOR *
[ Laughing ] [ Giggling ]
WHOA, THIS IS GREAT. MY WIFE WOULD NEVER LET ME DRIVE WITH THE TOP DOWN.
SHE'D TELL ME "IT WOULD CAUSE SKIN CANCER."
AND SHE'D SAY THESE WOULD CAUSE EMPHYSEMA.
AND THIS WOULD CAUSE LIVER DISEASE.
* BECAUSE IN THE MIDNIGHT HOUR
* OH, MAN ! SHE CRIED MORE, MORE, MORE
* [ Woman Screaming ] WITH A REBEL YELL
* [ Yelling ] SHE CRIED MORE, MORE, MORE *
[ Horn Honking ] WHOA ! WHAT A RUSH ! [ Giggling ]
OH, MAN ! MY WIFE WOULD HAVE HATED THAT.
HOW DULL ! I MEAN, YOU HAVE TO HAVE SOME FUN IN LIFE!
YOU KNOW WHAT HER IDEA OF LIVING DANGEROUSLY WOULD BE?
FORGETTING ONE OF HER VITAMINS. [ Giggles ]
WHAT A SNAIL ! HEY, LET'S GO GET SOME PORK.
* WITH A REBEL YELL MORE, MORE, MORE *
[Children Chatter, Shout] -YOU OKAY? -YEAH. I'M FINE.
I JUST WISH JAMES WOULD GET HERE SO I CAN GO TO WORK ALREADY.
OKAY, YOU LITTLE BRAT, LET GO OF HER HEAD !
LET GO. JUST, JUST-- HEY !
EVERYBODY IN THE CIRCLE. EVERYBODY IN THE CIRCLE. JUST... GET IN THE CIRCLE.
[ Screams ] GET IN THE CIRCLE.
JUST, EVERYBODY TOGETHER. JUST, WHO AM I TALKING TO HERE ?
NOW, EDDIE, RUN THIS POTTY THING BY ME ONE MORE TIME.
IT'S SIMPLE. YOU GOTTA TAKE CONTROL OF THE SITUATION.
-HOW YOU DO THAT ? -YOU GOTTA SAY, "HEY, YO, PEE-PEE.
I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE, BUT YOU'RE NOT COMIN' OUT TILL I SAY SO."
-THE PEE-PEES JUST LISTEN TO YOU ? -SOMETIMES THEY DO,
SOMETIMES THEY DON'T, BUT THAT'S WHAT THE GROWNUPS ARE THERE FOR.
HEY, BUSTER. WHAT ARE YOU DOING ? [ Mutters ]
-HEY, JOEY, NEED SOME HELP? -GET IN A CIRCLE. INDIANS DANCE IN A CIRCLE.
HEY!
HELP ME. JEWS AND ITALIANS ALL DANCE IN CIRCLES.
COME, KIDS. HELP ME. HELP ME HERE. DO THAT STEP WE DO.
DO THIS, KIDS!
GOOD! ALL RIGHT.
-ELVIS! ELVIS! -OOH, ELVIS, MY MAN!
COME ON! DANCE, DANCE, DANCE. COME ON!
DAMNIT, I'LL SLAP YOU. DANCE!
DANCE! HEY! TWIST, TWIST!
COME ON, TWIST!
-FOLLOW ME! -FOLLOW HIM! FOLLOW HIM! HERE, I'LL GIVE YA A DOLLAR. FOLLOW!
COME ON, SHOW OFF, GET OUT OF HERE!
OH, ARE YOU KIDDING? I'M HAVING A STROKE. OH, BOY!
HEY COME HERE, ELVIS, I'M YOUR KID, NOT THEM!
YOU HIT ME! YOU HIT ME. HEY, MOLLY. SEE YOU LATER.
WHAT'S WITH HIM? HE ACTS LIKE I DON'T EVEN EXIST.
I DON'T GET IT.
AM I LOSING IT?
OH MAN, JULIE. IF WE'RE GOING TO GET YOUR DADDY BACK...
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO SOME SERIOUS PACKAGING.
ARE YOU WITH ME, KID?
YEAH! LET'S DRESS UP FOR DADDY!
* WHEN I HAVE A BRAND NEW HAIRDO
(LAUGHING) * WITH MY EYELASHES ALL IN CURL
* I FLOAT AS THE CLOUDS ON AIR DO
* I ENJOY BEING A GIRL
* I FLIP WHEN A FELLOW SENDS ME FLOWERS
* I DROOL OVER DRESSES MADE OF LACE
* I TALK ON THE TELEPHONE FOR HOURS
* WITH A POUND AND A HALF OF CREAM UPON MY FACE
* I'M STRICTLY A FEMALE FEMALE
* AND MY FUTURE I HOPE WILL BE
* IN THE HOME OF A BRAVE AND FREE MALE
* WHO ENJOYS BEING A GUY
* HAVING A GIRL LIKE ME *
-GEE, HI! -HEY, RONA! YOU LOOK GOOD. -THANKS, DOLL.
ALL RIGHT, BIG BOY. I'LL SEE YOU.
-NO NO, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? DON'T GO. -I GOTTA GO!
NO, MOLLY WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.
-FOR WHAT? -COME ON, OH, JIMMY, JUST TALK TO HER, COME ON. BE NICE.
OH, HI!
HAVE YOU SEEN MY SUNGLASSES ANYWHERE?
JIMMY, DON'T YOU THINK WE SHOULD TRY AND WORK OUT SOME OF YOUR PROBLEMS?
WHAT PROBLEMS? THE BIGGEST PROBLEM I GOT IS SQUINTING MY EYES ALL DAY.
DON'T YOU EVEN MISS THIS?
OOH, CALLING OUT THE HEAVY ARTILLERY, HUH?
-GOD, DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SUCH A PUTZ? -OH, PIPE DOWN.
HMM, MAYBE THIS IS A GOOD OPPORTUNITY FOR ME TO TRY WHAT EDDIE SAID.
I THINK I'LL JUST HAVE A TALK WITH MY PEE-PEE.
I'M GETTING READY TO GO TO THE POTTY, SO DON'T COME OUT.
HMM! I CAN STILL FEEL THEM IN THERE.
BUT MAYBE IT'S WORKING. MAYBE EDDIE WAS RIGHT!
OKAY. LET'S SEE IF I CAN MAKE IT.
I CAN STILL FEEL 'EM. MAYBE THEY'RE LISTENING TO ME.
OKAY, DON'T COME OUT, DON'T COME OUT!
OOH, IT'S GETTING A LITTLE TOUGHER NOW.
DON'T COME OUT, I'M ALMOST THERE.
OOH! I MIGHT MAKE IT.
DON'T COME OUT! OOH, HAD TO PINCH THAT ONE BACK. YEAH.
OKAY DON'T COME OUT, DON'T COME OUT.
MIGHT MAKE IT! IF I COULD JUST GET THESE DARN PANTS DOWN.
OH, WAIT A MINUTE, HOLD IT...
(GROANS WITH RELIEF) (HALLELUJAH CHORUS PLAYING)
MOMMY, DADDY! MOMMY, DADDY!
-HUH? WHAT? -WHAT IS THAT? WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?
-OH! HONEY! -OH! MIKE, YOU DID IT! YOU DID IT, BOY. I'M SO...
WAIT A MINUTE WAIT A MINUTE I'M NOT DONE!
MIKEY WENT PEE-PEE IN THE POTTY!
(SINGING) PEE-PEE IN THE POTTY! PEE-PEE IN THE POTTY!
ISN'T IT GREAT, SWEETIE? YOUR BROTHER WENT PEE-PEE!
BIG DEAL. I MADE A DOODEY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, WHAT A BIG BOY! GOOD BOY!
I HAVEN'T FELT THIS GOOD SINCE THE DAY HE WAS BORN.
I KNOW, IT'S SO WEIRD, IT'S BETTER THAN MONEY, IT'S BETTER THAN AIRPLANES, ITS...
IT'S BETTER THAN SEX!
WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, BUT...
YOU HUNGRY?
-NO, I GOTTA GO. -I COULD FIX YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT.
I GOT A NINE O'CLOCK FLIGHT.
BUT IT'S POURING OUT!
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY. IT'S BETTER TO BE UP IN THE AIR POURING
THAN IT IS ON THE GROUND ON THE HIGHWAY IN A CAR!
WELL, WHOEVER SAID THAT THE HIGHWAY WAS SAFE?
I MEAN, EVERY YEAR THERE'S 200,000 FATALITIES RELATED TO THE RAIN, AND...
WANT SOME CHICKEN?
I DON'T KNOW, IT DEPENDS ON HOW IT TURNS OUT.
OKAY SO WHAT DO YOU NEED? PAPRIKA, VEGETABLES, WHAT...
GET ME WHATEVER YOU WANT. HEY, MOLLY. DO YOU WANT SOME CHICKEN?
UM, NO THANKS, HONEY, I DON'T EAT MEAT.
...HAVOC IN FIVE STATES. THE FORECAST CALLS FOR INCREASED WINDS....
THAT'S IT. I HAVE TO TALK TO JIMMY, THIS IS CRAZY.
HI, THIS IS MOLLIE RIALCO. COULD I SPEAK TO MY HUSBAND JAMES?
-HE'S ON THE FIELD. -OH HE IS? -YEAH.
-OH HAS HE TAXIED OUT YET? -NOT YET.
OH GOOD. COULD YOU HAVE SOMEBODY GO OUT THERE AND GET HIM FOR ME PLEASE?
-IT'S AN EMERGENCY. -NO.
-DO YOU THINK YOU COULD REACH HIM ON HIS PHONE? -NO.
-ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. SO WHAT TERMINAL IS HE IN? -AIRBORNE EXPRESS TERMINAL.
-OKAY, GOT IT. WHAT RAMP? -WHAT DO I KNOW? YOU'LL HAVE TO COME IN AND ASK.
OKAY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
STEWART, I'VE GOT TO GO GET JAMES.
YOU FEED THE KIDS THEIR DINNER, ALL RIGHT?
AND DO NOT GIVE THEM ANY DIET COKE LIKE YOU DID LAST TIME.
WAIT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT, WAIT A MINUTE, HOLD IT!
...NEW YORK CENTER, ONE THREE FIVE POINT NINE.
MOLLIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I TOLD THEM THAT THERE WAS A FAMILY EMERGENCY.
-MOLLIE, YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE. -NO, JIMMY, YOU'RE THE ONE
-WHO SHOULDN'T BE HERE. IT'S TOO DANGEROUS TO FLY TONIGHT. -OH, MOLLIE, I'VE TOLD YOU A
MILLION TIMES. WE FLY AROUND THE WEATHER.
THAT'S JUST IT! YOU CAN'T FLY AROUND IT THIS TIME. IT'S LIKE WALL-TO-WALL STORMS OUT THERE.
DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO THE NEWS?
-HONEY, THE NEWS ALWAYS UPSETS YOU. -ALL RIGHT, FORGET THE NEWS.
LET'S JUST SAY THAT I HAVE THIS GUT FEELING THAT YOU SHOULDN'T BE UP THERE!
WELL WE DON'T NEED YOUR GUT FEELING, WE'VE GO SOPHISTICATED INSTRUMENTS
THAT TELL ME EXACTLY WHERE I CAN GO AND WHERE I CAN'T GO.
NOW I GOT MY CLEARANCE, AND I'M LEAVING. SO WOULD YOU PLEASE GO?
-I'M NOT LEAVING THIS PLANE WITHOUT YOU. -MOLLIE, GET OUT.
-I'M NOT LEAVING. -GET OUT! -NO!
FOUR SEVEN PAPA, DUE TO ADVERSE WEATHER CONDITIONS, WE'RE CANCELING ALL FLIGHTS
UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE. DO YOU READ ME, FOUR SEVEN PAPA?
OKAY THAT'S FOUR SEVEN PAPA. YOU CAN CANCEL OUR FLIGHT PLAN.
ROGER, FOUR SEVEN PAPA.
SO. I GUESS THIS TIME YOUR FEELING IS RIGHT, HUH?
DOES IT MAKE YOU HAPPY?
JIMMY...
I LOVE YOU. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE IF I'M RIGHT OR WRONG.
(LAUGHS) YOU DO TOO, YOU LIAR.
WELL, I SORT OF LIKE BEING RIGHT. BUT I DO LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU TOO.
AUUUGH BOOSH!
I GOT YOU!
BOMBS AWAY!
A LITTLE NAPALM OUGHTTA SLOW YOU DOWN, COLONEL!
THANK GOD THEY LEFT ME WITH A RESPONSIBLE ADULT.
-CHAAAARGE! I GOT YOU! -OH NO!
YOU ARE MY PRISONER!
OKAY! I GIVE UP! I SURRENDER!
YEAH? HOW ABOUT A LITTLE SQUIRT IN THE NOSTRIL?
THIS AIN'T OVER. THIS AIN'T OVER.
I'LL GET MY TROOPS TOGETHER, AND WE'LL BE BACK.
MIKEY, WATCH JULIE, OKAY?
WHY, IS SHE GONNA DO SOMETHING BESIDES SLOBBER?
AUUUGH! FREEZE! OKAY.
OKAY. PUT THE BAG DOWN.
SLOW, AND NOBODY'S GOING TO GET HURT.
PUT THE BAG DOWN.
HEY! STOP!
-MM, THE KIDS ARE GOING TO BE SO EXCITED. -WHO'S TAKING CARE OF THEM?
-STEWART. -STEWART?
-AW, NO. WHAT ARE YA, NUTS? -DON'T WORRY, EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT!
HOLY COW!
OKAY, STAY CALM, JUST GO GET UNCLE STEWART.
UNCLE STEWART! UNCLE STEWART!
OH, GREAT!
HEY! SOMEBODY STOP THAT GUY!
-HEY! WHERE'S MOMMY? -COME ON, JULIE!
I DON'T KNOW WHERE UNCLE STEWART IS, BUT WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH HOT STUFF!
MIKEY, THIS STUFF IS SCARY!
-IT'S OKAY, JULIE. -I'M AFRAID! -I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT BONEHEAD UNCLE STEWART IS.
-NOW JUST KEEP YOUR HANDS IN, JULIE. DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING! -MIKEY, IT'S HOT!
HEY, WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
-WELL WHAT DID YOU WANT ME TO DO, LET HIM KILL YOU? -OH WHAT ARE TALKING ABOUT?
STEWART, WHERE ARE THE KIDS?
THEY'RE UPSTAIRS.
(GASPS) OH MY GOD!
I'LL TAKE THE STAIRS.
OKAY HERE WE GO, I THINK WE'RE SAFE.
-WHOA, THAT WAS CLOSE. -HOW DID YOU GET DOWN HERE?
WE JUST WALKED.
TECHNICALLY, I WAS PUSHED
-HONEY, GET HIM OUT AND CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT. -OKAY, COME ON, BABY.
TURN, THEN PRESS... WHOA!
YES! YES!
SO I CHASE HIM ALL THE WAY DOWN UNTIL HE LANDED ON SOME FIRE ESCAPE
CHASE HIM DOWN THROUGH THIS THING, I JUMP ON THE GUY, AND THEN I SUCKER PUNCHED HIM.
HE'S AMAZING! ISN'T HE?
-OH, STEWART, LET'S GET MARRIED! -YEAH!
ALL YOU GUYS ARE PRETTY LUCKY THE FIRE DIDN'T SPREAD BEYOND THE KITCHEN!
YEAH WELL THANK GOD I GOT THAT FIRE EXTINGUISHER!
I WAS THE ONE WHO GOT THE FIR EXTINGUISHER.
-I GOT THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER! -NO, I GOT THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER.
WHO LEFT THE KIDS WITH STEWART? THAT WAS A PRETTY BONEHEAD IDEA, HUH?
OH... YEAH.
GOOD ANSWER.
I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU BARBECUING ALL THE TIME.
-OH, WILL YOU RELAX? -IT'S REALLY NOT GOOD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT, MOM.
WE JUST GOT ONE OF THESE BRAND-NEW OUTDOOR ELECTRIC STOVES, AND THEY'RE...
NO, THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING BAD!
YOU'VE GOTTEN TO BE SUCH A NUDGE, I DON'T KNOW HOW...
(INDISTINGUISHABLE BICKERING)
MIKEY, OKAY. YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE HOT STUFF. I DON'T GET IT.
WELL NOW, LISTEN. YOU KNOW, HOT STUFF CAN BE VERY BAD FOR YOU.
IT'S ESPECIALLY NOT GOOD FOR KIDS AT ALL.
BUT I THOUGHT YOU HATED ME?
I MEAN, YOU'RE ALWAYS MEAN TO ME AND STUFF.
YEAH, WELL, I DO HATE YOU A LOT OF THE TIME.
YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY. YOU BUG ME. YOU POKE ME IN THE EYE.
BUT YOU'RE MY SISTER. AND ITS MY JOB TO LOVE YOU.
WE GOTTA STICK TOGETHER.
THE WAY I SEE IT, THERE'S US, AND THERE'S THEM.
YEAH, BIG ONES DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE.
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT BIG ONES ARE GONNA DO.
-THAT'S FOR SURE. THAT'S WHY WE HAVE TO STICK TOGETHER. -YEAH!
YOU AND ME.
YOU AND ME?
THAT'S RIGHT. YOU AND ME.
-WE'RE THE KIDS! -YEAH!
("I GOT YOU, BABE" PLAYING)
OW! OH, MY TUSH HURTS.