1 00:00:01,840 --> 00:00:04,399 I wanted to start by saying, it's such an honour to be on a panel, 2 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:06,439 because, like, to my left is a man who was, like, my absolute hero 3 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,519 when I was growing up. Like, he was sort of my generation. 4 00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:10,319 Had posters of him all over my wall. 5 00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:12,760 - Erm... - You mean Michael? - Yeah. 6 00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:16,239 MY Secretary of State for Education. 7 00:00:16,240 --> 00:00:17,960 That's my GOAT. 8 00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:22,839 I'm delighted that I played such a joyous part in contributing 9 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:24,760 to Chloe's future success. 10 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:27,799 I can't read. 11 00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:30,200 AUDIENCE LAUGHS 12 00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:35,760 This programme contains some strong language 13 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:10,199 Good evening. Welcome to have I Got News for You. 14 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:11,879 I'm David Tennant. 15 00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:15,079 In the news this week, at Buckingham Palace, the King prepares 16 00:01:15,080 --> 00:01:17,320 for his weekly meeting with Keir Starmer. 17 00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:26,039 In Washington, in the middle of a speech on valuable alliances, 18 00:01:26,040 --> 00:01:29,200 Donald Trump spots Emmanuel Macron turning up late. 19 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:39,159 And Derek Hargreaves, from Yeovil, regrets not taking it easy 20 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:41,400 following his haemorrhoid surgery. 21 00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:45,840 - - Oh...! 22 00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:51,759 On Ian's team tonight, a comedian who can currently be seen 23 00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:53,919 on a show called The Way Out, 24 00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:55,719 which is all about being stuck in a room and trying to find 25 00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:57,359 the quickest way to escape. 26 00:01:57,360 --> 00:01:59,239 Much like being a member of Keir Starmer's cabinet. 27 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:01,200 Please welcome Chloe Petts. 28 00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:10,119 On Paul's team tonight, a leading Conservative politician 29 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:12,319 who was twice the Minister for Levelling Up. 30 00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:14,159 Not sure how effective he was. 31 00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:16,559 But, to be fair, he has overseen the rise of one youngster 32 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:19,279 from a humble Scottish fishing community all the way to the peerage 33 00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:20,679 in the House of Lords. 34 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:23,600 Please welcome Baron Michael Gove of Torry. 35 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:31,359 We begin with the bigger news stories of the week. 36 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:33,319 - Paul and Michael, here's yours. - Yes. 37 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:35,679 OK, well, that's the World Cup trophy that's been presented 38 00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:37,319 to Donald Trump there. 39 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:38,799 - - That's Scotland. 40 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:40,399 They're the winners of the World Cup, 41 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:43,040 and they're on their way to the ceremonial camper van. 42 00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:46,240 That's Trump's cabinet. 43 00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:49,639 And that is a... 44 00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:52,999 Well, it's a shower, but not golden. 45 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:54,280 SHOCKED LAUGHTER 46 00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:58,000 Yes. 47 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:02,639 - Which, of course, the World Cup was. - Yes. 48 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:05,360 We seem to have found a special subject early, Michael. 49 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,719 Yes, indeed. It's the news that Scotland's campaign 50 00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:12,439 for World Cup glory kicks off next week. 51 00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:14,439 Who are Scotland up against? 52 00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:16,599 - Haiti. - Yes. 53 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,039 - Brazil. - Yes. 54 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:19,159 Morocco. 55 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:20,839 Well done, Michael! Yes. 56 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:22,519 AUDIENCE APPLAUDS 57 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:25,999 That applause must be a welcome sound, Michael. 58 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:28,519 What is it? I've never heard it before. 59 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:31,559 Scotland's game against Brazil is in Miami. 60 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:34,599 Local stores are preparing for the Tartan Army by stocking up 61 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:36,319 on beer, snacks, 62 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:39,399 and factor 1,000 sun cream. 63 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:42,399 Both England AND Scotland have qualified. 64 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:46,359 It's now been 60 years of hurt, Chloe. 65 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,919 Is this finally the year football comes home? 66 00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:51,599 Well, it came home for the women, lest we forget. 67 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:52,879 Yes. 68 00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:55,160 AUDIENCE CHEERS 69 00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:58,599 I think it could be coming home. 70 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:01,959 But Trump will probably stop it at the borders, if we're honest. 71 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:04,599 But I'm just... I'm kind of excited to see you guys. 72 00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:08,239 Like, I just am enthralled with Scott McTominay, 73 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:12,159 because his name sounds like JK Rowling trying to name 74 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:14,280 that one Scottish kid at Hogwarts. 75 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:21,359 He sounds like salt-of-the-earth Scottish, 76 00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:23,279 and he just, he doesn't look like a Scot. 77 00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:25,599 Like, he looks like too well put together, and I think... 78 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:28,680 AUDIENCE EXCLAIM 79 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:32,759 LAUGHTER 80 00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:36,759 You, erm, touring Scotland at all? 81 00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:38,359 Not any more, no, I would say. 82 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:41,039 I just can't wait for the whole thing. 83 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:43,319 Give us your analysis, Ian. 84 00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:45,759 It's going to start, and then it WILL finish. 85 00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:47,239 Yes. 86 00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:51,399 What treat did England captain Harry Kane get just before...? 87 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,239 - Waxwork. - Yes! 88 00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:54,519 Yeah, he was very surprised. 89 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:56,399 - It's in Madame Tussauds. Let's look at it. - Yeah. 90 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:58,559 - It's good, isn't it? - Yeah. 91 00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:00,720 - Yes, look at that. - Which one is it? 92 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,039 I don't think he went to Madame Tussauds wearing 93 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:05,879 the England shirt, so... 94 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:08,319 It does look a lot like Harry Kane, which is more than can be said 95 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:11,400 for these waxworks of David and Victoria Beckham. 96 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:15,399 Oh. 97 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,599 Any guesses who these three are? 98 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,399 Uh, is that Paul Gascoigne in the middle? 99 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:21,599 Yes. 100 00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:23,399 Is that Glenn Hoddle on the left? 101 00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,079 It's not Glenn Hoddle, no. 102 00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:26,479 - Bryan Robson. - No. 103 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:28,879 - Anwar Sadat. - I mean... 104 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:30,559 - - Gary Lineker! - Yes! 105 00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:32,519 - Oh! - Gary Lineker! Well done. 106 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:35,279 What item has been unveiled that hopes to bring England 107 00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:37,799 and Scotland fans together at the World Cup? 108 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:39,159 - Oh, yes. - Oh... 109 00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:41,079 Yes, it's a half Scotland, half England shirt. 110 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:42,879 That's exactly it. 111 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:44,239 Which neither country will buy. 112 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:45,799 Fans won't want to have a Scotland emblem, 113 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:47,719 and Scotland certainly won't want an England emblem, 114 00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:49,159 so nobody's going to buy it. 115 00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:51,319 You can get them in Iceland. Let's have a look. 116 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:54,199 There you go. AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS 117 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:57,199 Oh, it's not getting a good response in the studio, is it? 118 00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:59,680 I didn't realise Iceland were playing. 119 00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:04,120 Formerly the Republic of Bejam. 120 00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:07,559 These three people are clearly thinking, 121 00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:09,920 "If I shut my eyes, I'm not being photographed." 122 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:14,920 I think on the left is Gary Lineker... 123 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:19,919 Who is Scotland's biggest supporter? 124 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:21,319 - - Rod Stewart. 125 00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:23,319 Yes... Well, it's another singer. 126 00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:24,839 - - Susan Boyle? 127 00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:26,479 That's it! Do you know why? 128 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:29,519 Yes, because she's done this Irn-Bru advert, 129 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:33,639 where she break-dances in front of a bridge. 130 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:35,079 We've got to have a look at this. 131 00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:36,999 Take it to the bridge, Su-Bo! 132 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,359 ♪ We may not be the pundits' favourites to win 133 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:42,879 ♪ But what we lack in flair is made up with McGinn 134 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:44,759 ♪ We're going to deep-fry your hot dogs 135 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:47,039 ♪ We're the Tartan Army 136 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:48,599 ♪ Let's all go commando 137 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:51,040 ♪ No Scotland, no party 138 00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:57,119 ♪ We're made in Scotland from girders 139 00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:59,839 ♪ Everybody sing 140 00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:02,239 ♪ Cos we're made from girders 141 00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:05,640 ♪ And we'll make it through anything. ♪ 142 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:11,720 AUDIENCE APPLAUDS 143 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,439 I think it's sensational. 144 00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:17,439 - I think it's sensational. - Unironically, I love it. 145 00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:18,719 Yeah. 146 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:21,600 I think it's Scotland's answer to Vindaloo, certainly. 147 00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:25,919 And Vindaloo is personally my favourite ever football song. 148 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:28,799 I think it should be England's national anthem. 149 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:32,119 It's catchy, and it's sung by a man called Fat Les, 150 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:34,720 which is actually how I personally identify. 151 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:42,919 While we're on the subject, does anyone remember...? 152 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:44,760 Subject of what?! 153 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:47,839 Oh, football! 154 00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:50,279 - Scottish World Cup song. - Sorry. Yes. 155 00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:53,119 While we're on the subject, anyone remember the Scottish anthem 156 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:56,199 from the 1978 World Cup in Argentina? 157 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,159 We're on the march with Ally's army. 158 00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:00,319 - Yeah. - We're going to the Argentine. 159 00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:01,879 - Yep, yep... - We'll really shake them up. 160 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:03,599 - Do you remember... - We'll win the World Cup cos Scotland 161 00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:05,999 - are the greatest football team. - Oh, God. Well done! 162 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:08,839 AUDIENCE APPLAUDS 163 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:11,960 Do you know, I preferred you talking about levelling up. 164 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:21,199 Solid knowledge, though. Solid knowledge. 165 00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:24,759 Can I just say, at this point, that I've always liked experts? 166 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:27,200 AUDIENCE LAUGHS 167 00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:34,879 Well, England, they don't seem to have a World Cup anthem 168 00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:36,479 this year, apparently. 169 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:38,279 Would anyone like to suggest one? 170 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:40,839 I had thought that it was going to be a reworked version 171 00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:42,559 of The Beatles, Come Together. 172 00:08:42,560 --> 00:08:43,880 Or Help! 173 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,119 Don't they still... 174 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:48,999 ...sing the one about the shirt? 175 00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:51,280 - Three Lions on the shirt? - That's the one. 176 00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:55,279 I think I've been brought on to this show today to translate football 177 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,039 to you... 178 00:08:57,040 --> 00:09:00,080 ...and act as your bouncer, in case you go for Michael Gove. 179 00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:07,039 Meanwhile, how did one football fan get in trouble with police 180 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:09,679 after the Champions League final last Saturday? 181 00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:11,839 - Uh... - French fan. 182 00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:13,399 England fans put flares up their butts. 183 00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:15,599 Did he put a baguette up there? 184 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:18,599 I mean, you're in the right ballpark. 185 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,559 - Quite. - Unfortunately. 186 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:22,279 An eclair? 187 00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:23,919 It was a large garlic sausage. 188 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:25,639 Ah. 189 00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:28,799 Following riots in Paris after PSG's victory, a French fan has been 190 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:31,320 sentenced to four months' house arrest for... 191 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,319 The fan pleaded... 192 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:37,199 "I didn't intend to throw it at him. 193 00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:39,120 "I just wanted to get rid of it." 194 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:44,159 Is he here? Is he here? 195 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:47,559 It is amazing what RADA can do for things, isn't it? 196 00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:49,399 The judge was having none of it. 197 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:51,440 "You may be trembling now! 198 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:55,119 "But your hand didn't tremble when you threw that sausage 199 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:56,919 "at the policeman! 200 00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:58,759 "Huh?!" 201 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:02,240 AUDIENCE APPLAUDS 202 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,479 I think we know who's starring in the remake 203 00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:11,359 - of the Pink Panther now. - Thank you very much. 204 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:14,879 As the last show of the series, I've got a game for you. 205 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,679 - Hey! - Ooh! 206 00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:18,439 It's called the Funny Name Quiz. 207 00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:21,159 - OK. - Fingers on buzzers. Here's your first one. 208 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:23,519 What is the name of a former Tory councillor for 209 00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:25,960 the Solihull Metropolitan Borough Council? 210 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:29,920 Is it Derek Pothole? 211 00:10:31,520 --> 00:10:32,719 BELL RINGS 212 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,119 - Yes? - I don't have anything. 213 00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:35,839 I just wanted us to respect the buzzer system. 214 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:37,320 Thank you! 215 00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:43,120 It's because I had a very punitive education. 216 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:50,720 His glorious name is Bob Sleigh. 217 00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:55,119 The trouble about this quiz is there's no chance 218 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:57,880 of us getting any of it right. 219 00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:01,159 Yes, this is the World Cup. 220 00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:03,439 And England manager Thomas Tuchel has named his team 221 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:04,919 to win the tournament. 222 00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,400 Spain. 223 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:11,639 Ticket prices for the World Cup matches have been quoted 224 00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:14,719 as high as £12,000. 225 00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:17,639 If you want to see Scotland's opening game, however, Peter Murrell 226 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:20,560 has got four executive tickets - he can't use them any more. 227 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:27,279 Ian and Chloe, here's yours. 228 00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:30,559 That's Peter Mandelson, with a red box, 229 00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:32,199 perhaps a suitcase, 230 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:34,959 heading towards incarceration. I don't know. 231 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:38,159 The candidate for the by-election. 232 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:39,799 Text, screens. 233 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:41,599 Andy Burnham. 234 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,479 A turbulent week in politics, I think we can agree. 235 00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:45,279 A turbulent week. 236 00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:48,079 I think what we've seen is a large number of members of the Cabinet 237 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:52,159 stabbing each other in the back, in the hope of becoming leader. 238 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:53,760 Michael? 239 00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:01,679 This is an unprecedented departure from the high standards 240 00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,919 that have been set by previous governments. 241 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:05,639 Yes... 242 00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:07,559 I mean, how does it feel? 243 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,119 I mean, you're in cabinet, you're being polite, 244 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:12,039 you're pretending to support them, 245 00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:14,039 then you go out, you stab them in the back. 246 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:15,559 How do you feel? 247 00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,079 Erm, well... 248 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:19,959 It obviously depends on whose back you're stabbing. 249 00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:22,479 - In some cases, it's a solemn duty. - Yeah. 250 00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:24,479 In other cases, it's a positive pleasure. 251 00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:25,760 Right. 252 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:29,719 SCATTERED APPLAUSE 253 00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:31,919 - - This is amazing. 254 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:33,959 You tried to be leader a couple of times, didn't you? 255 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:35,119 - Twice. - Twice. 256 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:36,679 How did that go? 257 00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:38,999 Uh, I came third both times, 258 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,839 which is, erm... 259 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:44,039 ...an unmemorable double humiliation. 260 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:46,239 You did stop Boris being leader once. 261 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:47,919 I did, yes. 262 00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:50,799 But as we all, I think, subsequently know, that was only 263 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:52,639 a temporary alleviation. 264 00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:53,999 Yeah. 265 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:56,279 But it was your one good deed in this life. 266 00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:59,280 AUDIENCE LAUGHS 267 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:04,119 But Mandelson, I mean, people say, you know, 268 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:06,399 it's extraordinary how he survived. 269 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:08,359 But, I mean, you were sacked, and then dismissed, 270 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:10,319 and then you always came back. 271 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:15,359 I mean, there are cockroaches I know who were in awe of your... 272 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:17,519 ...ability. 273 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:19,119 I preferred Cameron's definition - 274 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:21,039 he said you had one overriding quality... 275 00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:22,439 Have I got this right? 276 00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:24,039 ...which was disloyalty. 277 00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:25,839 AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS 278 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:28,719 - I think I have many other good qualities, as well. - Yeah. 279 00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:31,279 I can't think of any. But that's a good one. 280 00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:32,559 Anyway... 281 00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:35,399 - Perfidy, treachery. - Yeah. 282 00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:37,519 Why is Mandelson in such trouble? 283 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:40,079 What dropped on Monday? What did we have on Monday? 284 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:42,159 - More files. - More files. - WhatsApp groups. 285 00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:43,479 Exactly. 286 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:46,239 The Mandelson files were heralded as a big bombshell of shit 287 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:48,479 that was going to fall on the Government. 288 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:49,919 It was a bit of a damp squib, wasn't it? 289 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:52,959 It was a bit of a damp squib. There was nothing terribly shocking - 290 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:55,639 the fact that all these members of the cabinet had been bitchy 291 00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:59,319 - about each other behind their backs and had been plotting and... - Yeah. 292 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:02,359 But there was one big shock, which was Pat McFadden. 293 00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:05,079 - Mm! - Cos he said something sensible. 294 00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:06,439 - Yes. - Um... 295 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:09,359 LAUGHTER 296 00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:12,079 About weighing up benefits and taxes. 297 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,879 Work and Pensions Secretary Pat McFadden said 298 00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:17,640 Labour MPs are only interested in one question... 299 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,359 I mean, it's a good question. Who can we tax to pay benefits others? 300 00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:26,279 - Yeah. - I think magazine editors, probably. 301 00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:27,839 - - Oh! - Well! 302 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:29,080 - - I'll get him! 303 00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:32,239 Both of us! 304 00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:34,679 - I mean, Amazon? - Well, that would be good. 305 00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:37,679 In amongst the Mandelson WhatsApps and emails, what did we learn about 306 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:40,799 the Government's attitude to mobile phone technology? 307 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:45,319 Well, Keir Starmer uses an app which makes you disappear. 308 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:46,599 That's right. 309 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:48,239 CHLOE GASPS YOU disappear? 310 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:50,839 Your previous correspondence disappears. 311 00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:54,199 But it means he hasn't got anything incriminating, 312 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:56,319 which is really useful because it means 313 00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:59,160 he doesn't then have to get his phone stolen by anyone. 314 00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:02,759 He's got a disappearing WhatsApp message function 315 00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:04,719 - on his mobile phone. - Yes, that's what it's called. 316 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:07,199 It is permitted by ministerial guidelines 317 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:09,080 as long as it doesn't affect... 318 00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,959 In the old days, you used to get into trouble with emails, though, 319 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,239 didn't you, Michael? 320 00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:18,239 Um... Never! 321 00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:20,079 When you were in the Department for Education, 322 00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:23,199 there was a bit of a problem about you handing them over, wasn't there? 323 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:25,239 Oh, no, I was always very happy to hand them over. 324 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:26,879 You just couldn't find them. 325 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:28,680 Some of them went missing, yes. 326 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:32,600 Just to say, nothing changes. 327 00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:37,079 We saw Reform candidate Robert Kenyon there. 328 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:39,639 - Yes. - Did you see his interview with the BBC? 329 00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:42,119 - Yes. - Yeah? - He had to say, 330 00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:45,040 "I've not made sexual remarks about Carol Vorderman." 331 00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:50,519 Which I think is like if you put Bill Clinton's 332 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:53,999 "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" through AI 333 00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:55,680 and said, "Make it British." 334 00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:03,159 He was asked if he'd said that Brexit was an economically damaged 335 00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:05,880 project promoted by politicians who... 336 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,280 He replied... 337 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,719 He really is in the wrong party! 338 00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:21,519 Nick Clegg claimed that the late Queen had expressed support 339 00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:24,239 of Brexit at a private lunch. 340 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:27,279 Who told him that... Michael? 341 00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:29,119 LAUGHTER 342 00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:30,759 I wouldn't know. 343 00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:34,079 - It was claimed it was you, though. - Yes, it was. 344 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:35,399 Oh, I wouldn't know. 345 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:37,279 - You wouldn't. - You wouldn't know that it was you, 346 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:39,599 or you wouldn't know that it wasn't you? 347 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:41,079 I wouldn't know. 348 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:44,440 - - This is amazing! You know so much until you don't know anything. 349 00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:47,639 Well... 350 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,040 Wow! 351 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,560 Kenyon told the BBC... 352 00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:02,240 Does Nigel Farage know about that? 353 00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:05,279 Has he been behaving in a certain way? 354 00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:08,399 No. He's been trying to exploit a tragedy 355 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:13,359 for his own personal political gain, which is rather nauseating. 356 00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:16,279 He's been rightly criticised by nearly everybody. 357 00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:18,679 He did exactly what the family asked everyone not to do, 358 00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:21,279 was to turn this into a divisive issue. 359 00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:24,119 Yes. His comments following the trial over the murder of Henry Nowak 360 00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:27,559 about "pure cold rage" and anticipating more trouble in 361 00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:30,439 the streets were condemned by all sides of the House. 362 00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:33,519 His defenders said that he should not be held responsible for what 363 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:38,479 happened because he'd specifically called for cold rage, not hot rage. 364 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:41,239 - Yeah. - Obviously, if it had been gently warm rage... 365 00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:43,599 - Or even far-rage! - ...that might have been... 366 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:45,600 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 367 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,839 Elon Musk's nice, isn't he? 368 00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:54,920 LAUGHTER 369 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:01,359 Isn't that an aftershave? 370 00:18:01,360 --> 00:18:03,759 LAUGHTER 371 00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:06,279 {\an8}Yes. The by-election is still going on in Makerfield. 372 00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:09,239 {\an8}Andy Burnham is apparently going to produce his own beer mats. 373 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:11,039 {\an8}Anyone know what it says on them? 374 00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:13,640 {\an8}- "Change Labour"? - Yes. - Something like that? 375 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,119 But it's a design clearly nicked from 376 00:18:17,120 --> 00:18:19,240 this old Northern soul badge from the '70s. 377 00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:23,599 Who wants to see some Northern soul dancing from the '70s? 378 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:25,039 - - Yeah! 379 00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:26,679 - From you, David? - Not yet! 380 00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:29,920 Footsee by The Chosen Few 381 00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:35,759 - It's not as good as this, though. - I know what's coming! 382 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:37,760 DANCE MUSIC PLAYS 383 00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:43,200 LAUGHTER 384 00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:58,759 APPLAUSE 385 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:01,719 - Nice moves, Michael! - That's real Northern soul. 386 00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:04,079 - That was Aberdeen, not Wigan Casino. - Proper north, yeah. 387 00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:05,359 - Proper north. - Yeah. 388 00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:07,079 Does Strictly beckon? 389 00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:08,839 I suspect that, actually, 390 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:11,560 probably sectioning beckons, rather than Strictly. 391 00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:16,399 If only you'd said that years ago! 392 00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:18,719 SCATTERED APPLAUSE 393 00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:21,799 Yes. This is the latest release of Mandelson Papers, 394 00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:23,999 also known as the Paedo Files. 395 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:25,960 LAUGHTER Oh! 396 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:32,720 Th-That was his mate. 397 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:37,559 But before we go any further, I should say we need to be careful 398 00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:39,439 how many times we say Mandelson, 399 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:42,680 cos if you say his name three times in a row, it does summon him. 400 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:46,119 The latest release of communications with Mandelson 401 00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:49,999 has cost £1 million of taxpayers' money. 402 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,080 - Oh! - Half of that on Tipp-Ex. 403 00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:57,039 On to Round Two, The Swirl Of News. 404 00:19:57,040 --> 00:20:00,000 Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's your first one. 405 00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:06,919 BUZZER 406 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,519 Donald Trump's going to have to remove his name 407 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:10,679 from the John F Kennedy Memorial Center. 408 00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:13,519 - A judge has ordered that. - Why was it ruled illegal? 409 00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:16,400 Well, it's meant to be a memorial centre for John F Kennedy. 410 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,359 - It's meant to go through Congress. - It was meant to go through Congress. 411 00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:23,919 - Exactly. - But so is everything else. - Yes. - Including the war. 412 00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:25,799 But he doesn't need parliament. 413 00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:28,999 Well, it was just voted through by the centre's board of trustees - 414 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,679 chairman of that board being... 415 00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:33,319 - Donald Trump. - There you go. Yes. 416 00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,959 But he's not giving up on his legacy that easily. 417 00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:38,839 No, cos he's got plans for the 250th... 418 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:41,120 He's going to change his name to John F Kennedy! 419 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:44,999 APPLAUSE 420 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,599 And he wants his face on the $250 banknote. 421 00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:51,279 Yeah, which the Constitution, I think, specifically says you are 422 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:54,239 not allowed to have a living person on the banknote. 423 00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:56,919 Well, he keeps boasting that he's had now four cognitive tests 424 00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:59,800 without ever sort of questioning why they keep giving him the test. 425 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,679 - You've interviewed him, haven't you, Michael? - Wow! 426 00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:06,839 - I have, yes. In 2017. - Yeah. 427 00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:09,679 It was quite a sympathetic interview, wasn't it? 428 00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:12,279 - I prefer to think of it as balanced. - Yeah. 429 00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:16,119 "Sycophantic drivel" was the phrase I was looking for. 430 00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:18,840 APPLAUSE 431 00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:22,959 How are the peace talks with Iran going? 432 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:24,759 It's difficult to tell. You can't really hear them 433 00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:26,720 through the constant bombing. 434 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:32,879 He had a conversation, which got leaked, with Benjamin Netanyahu. 435 00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:35,759 - Yes, he did. Yes. - And it was a strange case of, 436 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:38,519 again, someone finding out very, very late 437 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:40,079 what they're dealing with. 438 00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:41,519 "You're Jewish?!" 439 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:44,160 LAUGHTER 440 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:52,319 He said, "You're crazy." He said, "You're effing crazy." 441 00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:53,919 - Who said that? Trump? - Yeah. 442 00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:56,359 And he said, "I'm saving your ass." 443 00:21:56,360 --> 00:22:00,319 And he was trying to get Netanyahu to stop bombing people in Lebanon. 444 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:03,519 Yes. Apparently, according to US news website Axios, 445 00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:05,440 the call descended into abuse. 446 00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:15,759 And that's Trump looking in the mirror. 447 00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:17,800 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 448 00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:22,759 Meanwhile, over at RFK Jr's health department, 449 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:26,079 the US response to the hantavirus crisis is being handled 450 00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:28,719 by Dr Brian Christine. There he is. 451 00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:30,959 Anyone know what his specialism is? 452 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:33,599 Raising the undead. 453 00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:36,239 Well, funny you should say that. He's a... 454 00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:37,919 LAUGHTER 455 00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:39,559 I thought I recognised him! 456 00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:42,999 I was going to say, can you give me his number? 457 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:45,520 He hosted a YouTube show called... 458 00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:51,200 Has the series been extended? 459 00:22:57,360 --> 00:22:59,279 Having a penile implant specialist 460 00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:01,919 leading the hantavirus response is ridiculous. 461 00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:04,119 Bit like allowing an office interior design firm 462 00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:06,439 to supply PPE during the pandemic. 463 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:09,079 LAUGHTER AND BOOING 464 00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:11,359 Michael? 465 00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:12,839 Any comment on that? 466 00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:14,519 Er... I think... 467 00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:17,399 I think that, as one looks back, 468 00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:20,519 the blessed sponge of amnesia wipes the slate of memory clean. 469 00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:22,199 - - Boo! HISSING 470 00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:23,559 Yeah. 471 00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:27,199 I don't think anyone's really forgotten, though, Michael. 472 00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:29,119 You're in the House of Lords now, 473 00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:32,279 sitting alongside other luminaries like Baroness Mone. 474 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:34,239 MOANING BOOS 475 00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:36,799 That's the reaction I was looking for! 476 00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:38,840 No, they're just pronouncing her name. 477 00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:44,879 Yes, this is another week in the life of Donald Trump. 478 00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:47,839 Several acts have now dropped out of the White House concert 479 00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:50,719 to celebrate 250 years of US independence. 480 00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:52,560 According to one source... 481 00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:56,760 No change there, then. 482 00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:01,839 As more acts dropped out of the concert, Donald Trump suggested 483 00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:04,680 he might headline the event himself, saying... 484 00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:11,119 There is one key difference, of course, between them. 485 00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:14,159 In his prime, Elvis did sign up for the US Army. 486 00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:17,000 APPLAUSE 487 00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:23,360 Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's your next news swirl. 488 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:29,359 BUZZER 489 00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:31,159 They're going to put a selection of wild animals, 490 00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:33,639 birds and other creatures onto banknotes. 491 00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:36,159 That's exactly right. Yeah. 18 British animals have been 492 00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:38,999 - shortlisted to appear on new banknotes. - Mm. 493 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:42,119 - And the public gets to vote. - The public gets to vote! 494 00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:45,279 A variety of animals, such as a dragonfly, a hedgehog, 495 00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:48,519 or even this, a basking shark. 496 00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:52,159 Voting is now open, as you say, until the 3rd of July. 497 00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:54,840 I bet you they give it to Sharky McSharkface! 498 00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:58,479 So what didn't make the shortlist? 499 00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:00,239 - - Er... - Beaver. - Fox. 500 00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:02,719 - Badger. It's a badger. - Badger. - Badger. 501 00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:04,520 Which will be a huge relief for one man. 502 00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:16,119 LAUGHTER 503 00:25:16,120 --> 00:25:17,719 This is the shortlist of animals 504 00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:20,679 to replace British heroes on our banknotes. 505 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:24,239 Many people have been left asking what animals will be on a banknote, 506 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:27,560 except for Gen Z, who've been left asking, "What's a banknote?" 507 00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:32,800 One suggestion for the £50 note is... 508 00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:36,599 Although for the City boys, a £50 note is less about puffin', 509 00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:39,639 more about snorting, you know what I'm talking about? 510 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:41,079 Yes, I do. 511 00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:43,359 LAUGHTER 512 00:25:43,360 --> 00:25:45,399 Time now for the Missing Words Round. 513 00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:46,760 We start with... 514 00:25:50,360 --> 00:25:53,120 Spending too much time in a Boris Johnson Government. 515 00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:00,680 I can identify with that. 516 00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:08,320 According to Personnel Today... 517 00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:12,999 Tell that to the cast of Rivals! 518 00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:16,519 LAUGHTER AND CHEERING 519 00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:17,800 Next... 520 00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:23,519 That they are residents of Basingstoke. 521 00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:25,519 LAUGHTER 522 00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:27,559 "You're next," says Godzilla. 523 00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:29,560 LAUGHTER 524 00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:38,760 And finally... 525 00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:44,759 That he is on Have I Got News For You 526 00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:48,599 in a desperate effort to try to make ends meet. 527 00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:50,879 It is actually... 528 00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:52,159 - Oh. - Yes. 529 00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:55,159 This is Gavin Williamson's pet tarantula. In a moving funeral, 530 00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:57,719 the body was covered with a pint glass, 531 00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:00,320 slipped onto a bit of card and thrown out of the nearest window. 532 00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:06,039 The same thing happened to Liz Truss, didn't it? 533 00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:08,320 LAUGHTER 534 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:12,559 So the final scores are... 535 00:27:12,560 --> 00:27:13,959 ...Ian and Chloe have three, 536 00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:16,119 Paul and Michael have five! 537 00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:17,880 - Unbelievable! - Well done! 538 00:27:20,920 --> 00:27:23,759 On which note, we say thank you to our panellists - 539 00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:26,599 Ian Hislop and Chloe Petts, Paul Merton and Michael Gove - 540 00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:28,959 and I leave you with news that in Washington, 541 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:31,159 there's an awkward moment for Marco Rubio 542 00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:33,599 as his tie gets caught in a desk drawer. 543 00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:37,919 LAUGHTER 544 00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:40,679 At Buckingham Palace, King Charles can barely hide his excitement 545 00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:42,920 at meeting the President of Nigeria. 546 00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:47,920 LAUGHTER 547 00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:53,839 And in Kensington, there's evidence 548 00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:56,719 that Michael Gove has bought and trained a new pet. 549 00:27:56,720 --> 00:27:58,359 DANCE MUSIC PLAYS 550 00:27:58,360 --> 00:28:00,399 LAUGHTER 551 00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:02,400 APPLAUSE 552 00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:09,719 Goodnight! 553 00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:13,840 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING