This programme contains some strong language
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News for You.
I'm Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week,
in Cheshire, the world's richest dog
supervises the digging up of his favourite bone.
In Pyongyang, a four-hour speech by Kim Jong-un
begins to take its toll on the bladder.
And the owner of Julie's Cafe in Romford
rejects suggestions that customers would be put off
if they knew how she made her omelettes.
Oh!
On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who recently revealed
his love of the horror genre
and is a particular fan of The Walking Dead,
so you've got at least one supporter, Prime Minister.
Please welcome Phil Wang.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
On Paul's team tonight is a stand-up and presenter
who is usually surrounded by Loose Women.
But tonight we'll have to make do with some uptight men.
Please welcome Judi Love.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
Ian and Phil, here is yours.
Oh, Andy Burnham.
"Bye-bye, Manchester."
Wes Streeting at a sixth-form open day.
Keir Starmer making some coffee.
"This will keep people awake after they listen to me."
"I used to be a barrister."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
- We've got another by-election, baby. - Mm-hm.
It's too much. I'm learning a new constituency every week.
Yeah, and what is the constituency in this case?
- This case is Makerfield. - Yes.
So now I know about Makerfield. I know about Gorton and Denton.
- Yes. - I assumed that was a comedy duo from the '70s, Gorton and Denton.
Most of the council elections point to a Reform victory.
So it'd be a lot of effort to give up being mayor,
give up, you know, your job, and then go and lose a by-election.
But he may not.
He may not deliver the comedy value that that would entail.
There are other parties.
I've got to say that because this is the BBC.
Fringe parties you have to mention now.
The Conservatives are standing...
And now Andy Burnham, in his hopes to replace
a Prime Minister who keeps U-turning,
has U-turned on his Brexit position
to kind of be a friend to all sides here.
But by doing a U-turn, he's proved he's fit for office.
But I mean, the thing about U-turns is, I mean,
it's always portrayed as, "Ah, you've changed your mind."
But that's a good thing, isn't it?
Sometimes, you know, as reality changes?
Otherwise, you know, we'd still be appeasing Hitler.
That is a very good analogy.
Thank you very much.
I spent all night thinking of that.
But it is true, though, isn't it?
I mean, if somebody just rigorously stuck to the same policy
despite change in circumstances,
that would be odd as well, wouldn't it?
That would be Liz Truss.
I suppose it depends how many times they U-turn.
Yeah. U-turn twice, they're in the same direction, aren't they?
- Doesn't matter. - What's the really bad news for Wes Streeting, though?
- Um... - No-one likes him.
This is essentially it.
He's less popular than Keir Starmer, which no-one thought was possible.
This is right. According to YouGov,
in a leadership contest, Andy Burnham would beat him easily.
Keir Starmer would beat him easily.
What about Angela Rayner? What about Angela Rayner?
- Angela Rayner would beat him physically. - Beat him easily.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
There would probably be someone,
if they thought about it, who he could beat.
Ah!
Do you know when the by-election is happening?
- June. - 18th. - 18th. - 18th of June,
which is an important European anniversary.
I wonder what that is.
- Is it the Black Death? - No, more recent than that.
It's the anniversary of the Battle of Waterloo.
- Is it? - Yes. - Excellent. - I only found out
the Battle of Waterloo didn't happen in Waterloo in London...
LAUGHTER
I assumed it was there. I was like,
"Well, why would it be called the Battle of Waterloo?"
I mean, it could be that they named the railway station
- after the battle. - Yeah, I put that together.
No, I just... Just a thought.
Are you equally baffled by the Battle of Trafalgar?
Yeah.
Were they on top of the pillar, or how did they...?
Did everyone see Reform's Robert Jenrick in the Commons this week?
- No. - He was in full flow, giving it to the Government.
- Let's have a look at that. - Yeah.
People across our country,
including most in my home county of Nottinghamshire,
put their trust in this party.
Why?
Because they promised change.
They said they would do things differently.
They would be better. They would end the chaos.
They would put country before party.
And where are we?
Where are we less than two years later?
- You're in a different party. - We're here...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
We're here.
Where are we? We're here.
- You used to be there. - We're here.
- Oh, you've got to love it. - While we're discussing Reform
and how Nigel Farage paid for his new house,
was anyone surprised by how much Farage claims
he was paid for being on I'm A Celebrity?
- Yeah. - One million? - 1.5 million.
- £1.5 million! JUDI: - Yeah.
For eating what? Like...
- Goat's dick. - Yeah. Duck tongue and slug dick.
I eat that at Chinese New Year for free every year.
Does that surprise you at all, Judi?
I would like... The fact that he got some money and...
- Yeah, I'd like... - You'd like to do it?
- No, no! - Oh, no. - No.
I've had a... No, no.
I said that too harsh. I mean, what I mean is,
"No, no, not yet."
LAUGHTER
GB News's Keith Bays is still shouting in Downing Street,
- by the way. Did you see what happened this week? - Er...
No. Have you got some footage?
- I certainly have, yes. - Let's have a look.
Should we rejoin the European Union, Minister?
Who is running the country while you are fighting?
Be careful, Minister.
LAUGHTER
According to the i newspaper,
Labour ministers are already jostling for top jobs
in the next government.
And talking of Andy Burnham's plum positions...
Any strong views on his shorts?
- PHIL: - They're not that short.
You should see the pair Ian's wearing tonight. I mean...
According to The Telegraph, most people's reaction would be...
It's interesting that a few days after
that photo of Burnham was taken,
Wes Streeting appeared in slightly longer shorts.
Ah, yes. Good move.
So then Andy Burnham adjusted his shorts as well.
- JUDI: - That is definitely a phone in your pocket, bredren.
Here are other ministers out running.
Michael Gove.
- JUDI: - It looks like he's running to the hospital. I don't know.
Boris Johnson.
AUDIENCE GROANS
- JUDI: - Oh, Boris. Oh, man. Breasts and everything.
I mean...
Matt Hancock.
Maybe politicians just think running
brings them closer to the electorate.
Here is Matt Hancock receiving a friendly greeting
while he's out for a run.
Matt Hancock, you shagger!
LAUGHTER
That guy from GB News gets everywhere, doesn't he?
Yes, this is the challenge to the Labour Party leadership
and the prospect of a new prime minister.
Andy Burnham is known as the King of the North,
which in a leadership race puts him at an advantage
over London-born Wes Streeting.
Unless he changes his first name from Wes to Coronation.
According to one biography, Andy Burnham is the son of...
..which explains his appeal to the progressive LBTGP group.
- Paul and Judi. - Yes. - Here's yours.
Oh!
Oh, welcome to Leeds.
Obviously I'm just reading out what it says there.
This is a new sign.
There we are again. "Welcome to Leeds."
Can't get enough of that picture. And there we are again.
- "Welcome to Leeds." - Yeah. This camera only leads you to Leeds.
This is it. There's been controversy,
although it's hard to see, really, what people are worried about.
But they're saying that the word Leeds doesn't look right,
that the D is an upside-down P.
- People are up in arms about it. - They really are. - Really annoyed.
Who particularly cares?
- Um... - Four people that has got us chatting about this shit.
Oh, no. It's way more...
It's way more than that. It's huge.
- The upgrade to the station has cost £46 million. - What?
ITV's regional news programme Calendar
asked viewers to post their comments on the font.
Chris kicked things off.
Alison agreed.
And then all hell broke loose.
All kicked off.
And finally, and let's be honest, there's always one.
Someone took issue with the whole premise of the font discussion.
Wait till they find out the W is an upside-down M.
- JUDI: - Now looking at it, the D does look a little bit small.
No, that E is floating up. The second E's gone up.
- Oh, the Es are too... - Yeah.
- I've taken two Es too close together before. - Yeah.
LAUGHTER
What's been the other big train story of this week?
Yeah. It was even more waste of money.
Yeah. HR2, whatever it's called.
- Um... - Yes. - The high speed railway thing, which is now
sort of like going to cost billions more,
it's not going to be ready for another 15 years,
it's only going to go to Birmingham. It's going to go at half speed.
The whole thing is a disaster, but they've spent so much money
that they can't sort of back out of it now.
They've got to keep going until it's, you know, it's pointless.
- Heidi Alexander, the Transport Secretary... - 100 billion.
Yes. ..announced on Tuesday the cost of HS2 would rise to £100 billion,
which is triple the original cost signed off by the coalition in 2012.
And someone rather brilliant pointed out
the total cost to getting the Artemis crew
to go to the Moon and back is cheaper.
- Yeah. - Wow. - Than going to Birmingham. - A fifth cheaper.
- There we go. - Yeah.
So we're given a choice. Would you rather go to Birmingham or the Moon?
- Well, yes. - It depends if there's a replacement Moon service.
Yeah. According to the i paper,
what did HS2 Limited spend £100 million on?
- Bat tunnel. - Yes, that's exactly right.
They spent £100 million on a...
Why can't Batman pay for his own tunnel?
Yeah, he's got loads of money.
It would work out at £340,000 per bat.
- That's a nice stat. - And they did a survey of the bats,
and none of them want to go to Manchester!
In other UK news, what did a BBC Panorama allege this week?
- Married At First Sight? - Yes, that's exactly right.
Yes, Channel 4 have removed the UK version of their hit reality show
Married At First Sight from its streaming platform,
after Panorama revealed allegations
of rape and sexual assault by three participants.
The show involves people agreeing to live as a married couple
with someone they've never met before, and living together
in a flat, sometimes unsupervised by the production team.
At first sight, that's a terrible idea.
- Yes. - And thus it proved.
- It's a deeply unpleasant idea, isn't it? - Yes.
Arranged Marriage Live would have a different ring to it, wouldn't it?
- It would. - According to the CEO of Channel 4, Priya Dogra,
when Channel 4 first heard about contributor concerns...
By continuing to air the relevant episodes
right up until Panorama went out on Monday.
Why do channels broadcast these shows?
Because they like rubbish.
- It's popular. - Extremely popular.
Here are just some of the shows in the past five years at Channel 4.
Oh, yeah, I'd watch that.
And then of course 24 Hours In Police Custody.
The truth of the matter is people will do anything
- to be on television. I mean... - Yeah.
Every name that you mentioned, the audience was going,
"Oh, oh!" That means these nasty buggers have watched them!
- Some of them have been in it. - Yeah. And that was the same noise
they were making when they was watching it. "Oh! Oh!"
I missed that one. Nasty Buggers - was that...?
It was on later, was it?
OK, this is a Channel 4 show.
Let's see if we can guess what this involves.
- Oh! - Is that one show? - It is one show.
Well, I can tell you two teams try to win a cash prize by racing across
the countryside, naked.
- Shall we have a look? I can give you a little insight. - Go on, then.
Are we watching this from the front or the back?
We can watch the whole...
KLAXON
Come on!
Racing across unforgiving terrain...
I'm stuck!
LAUGHTER
..will they be able to find food...
Oh!
No chance in hell!
I think that looks fine.
..survive the cold of the British night...
- It's pitch-black and I'm absolutely - BLEEP - freezing.
..or manage not to get arrested?
SIREN WAILS
Get in, get in!
Oh, my gosh! I felt like I could smell so much through the screen.
- Andy Burnham's got an inspiration for his next run. - Yeah!
It says they have to race to get home.
- Yeah. - So, suppose there's nobody home, how are they going to get in?
I mean, they haven't got any house keys with them.
- There's many places you can hide keys. - That's true.
Where have they put the microphones?
- Again... - There's many places you can hide...
This is the new welcome sign at Leeds Station.
No, it isn't!
There is another issue with the sign in the Yorkshire city.
The words "Piss off, you southern bastards"
has been spelt "welcome to".
If you look closely at that sign, you can see the L, D and S
have been screwed on,
but I think they've attached the E by gum.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Oh, my God!
Concerned about the chaos surrounding HS2,
Transport Secretary Heidi Alexander told the Commons
in June she was keen to draw a line in the sand,
which should be completed by 2057.
And so to Round Two, the animalometer of news.
Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here is your first one.
BUZZER
Oh! Ian and Phil.
- It's a swan. - It's a goose!
- Do we get the point? It's a goose?! - Yeah. - Silly goose. - Goose.
What's the difference between a goose and a swan?
- Well, you can't get arrested for swanning. - Yeah. Um...
It is the news that thieves in Kent are on the loose with a goose.
- So a goose has been kidnapped? - It has, yes. - Wow!
Does anyone want to have a guess at the goose's name?
- George. - Well, you got the right letter...
Oh!
Much-loved by locals.
Until last Tuesday, he lived happily with his boyfriend...
Aw!
Here they are together.
- That's nice. - That's nice.
A local resident reported that Gandalf had been bundled into
the boot of a dark-coloured estate car.
The dreadful incident occurred in the village of...
- Unless, of course, it's pronounced Base-ted. - Yes.
Which is even worse news for the goose!
The local villager also had a memorable name.
- Anyone know what that is? - The local villager?
I don't know... Well, you don't even know the Gandalf story,
so how you're going to know Nigel Sheepwash's name...
- Wow! - ..I have no idea.
Following reports of a man
seen bundling Gandalf into his car and driving off,
landlord Benjamin McConnachie announced he's offering
a reward for information.
He's also offering a locally sourced foie gras terrine starter
on the menu at his pub.
To the animalometer.
- Animalometer, yes, OK. - Fingers on buzzers. - Yeah. - Here we go.
- Here's another one. - OK.
BUZZER
- Yes, Ian and Phil. - It's a swan. - See if you can redeem yourself!
- What colour is that cat? - White cat.
We've seen that cat before, haven't we?
- It's like a James Bond villain cat. - Yes, it is.
- Ah! - Yes. This is the news
that auditions for the next James Bond are under way.
- Yes. - Wow! - Do you want to know who's in the running?
- I took my hat out of the... - You've taken it out of the ring?
Yeah, I'm not...I'm not auditioning.
I didn't want to be in hock to the Bond market.
Oh, that's brilliant.
APPLAUSE
- Sorry. Sorry! - There we go.
I can tell you two of the front runners.
- They are Callum Turner... - Oh, really?! - Yes.
..and Aaron Taylor-Johnson.
Oh, I'd take the second one.
Which surprising name threw their hat into the ring
for this role?
Gyles Brandreth.
It was Donald Trump.
The official White House X account
- tweeted this picture over the weekend. - Oh!
"The Man With The Golden Face."
"Grab an Octopussy."
On a related note, who got into trouble for spying this week?
Oh, it was a representative of Southampton Football Club...
- Exactly right. - ..who was rather idiotically caught
filming Middlesbrough training behind a tree.
Wel, not behind the tree - standing beside a tree,
holding a phone up, like that.
Yeah, there it is.
- That's him there, yeah. - That's it. Yeah.
- CLATTERING - Oh, that's him there, as well!
Well, it's tricky getting caught spying in Middlesbrough
because you don't have an excuse, right? You can't say,
"I'm a tourist."
And Southampton have now been booted out of
- the Championship play-off final. - Yes. - The offence was only discovered
when Middlesbrough noticed someone was paying attention.
This is the search for the new James Bond.
Bond fans have voiced concerns over how much influence
Amazon will have over the film,
after a leaked script showed Bond leaving
a nuclear warhead with the villain's neighbour.
The new James Bond needs to be suave,
smooth-talking and at the peak of physical fitness.
LAUGHTER
Time now for the Odd One Out round.
Your four are...
UK Eurovision entry Look Mum No Computer,
a banshee,
a Waymo driverless taxi,
and the town of Plympton.
Oh, well, the UK entry didn't do well at Eurovision.
Ukraine, I think, gave us one point, right at the last minute,
- in return for all that support. - Yeah!
£86 billion well spent, isn't it?
His song was amusingly called Eins, Zwei, Drei,
and we got Ein!
- Is it screaming? Because banshees scream... - Mm.
..and then something bad happens.
- He sang... - Yes.
..and then something quite bad happened.
- Yes. - Waymo screamed.
The sirens make a noise, and people complained.
- Which one's the odd one out? - Plympton. - Plympton...
- Plympton is the odd one out. Yeah. - Because they like noise.
Well, no. They all make a terrible noise, apart from
the town of Plympton in Devon,
- which makes a terrible smell. - Smell! - What has been causing it?
- Mrs Watkins at number 48. - They've narrowed it down.
They've narrowed it down to the...
I wonder what took them so long.
- Yeah. - "All we've got here is the big shit factory and the bakery. Hm!
- "Maybe it's the bakery!" - According to the Plymouth Herald,
local water company South West Water is trying to help by...
- Wow! - Oh, my gosh. - As opposed to spraying shit into the river.
It still smells of shit, but there's a nice...
HE SNIFFS
..Davidoff Cool water. Mm!
In related news, why has head of Welsh Water
been criticised recently?
- Because the rivers are filthy. - Well, Steve Wilson is Welsh Water's...
..but he's come under fire for not taking his job seriously enough.
Here he is being interviewed on ITV News.
I had a look at your social media posts,
and your Twitter handle, or X handle, I should say these days,
is turdherder69.
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
And to be fair, turdherder 1 to 68 had all gone, so...
Turdherder69. Now, that is messy!
At least he's actually herding.
That's true.
- He's attempting to do the job. - A shit shepherd. - A shit shepherd!
Look Mum No Computer, he represented the UK.
- Should we just have a quick listen to his entry? - Yes! - Here it is.
# Oh
# Eins, zwei, drei Darlin', I need something salty
# Eins, zwei, drei With a slice of pepperoni
# I'll pay, you can owe me
# That'll be a pony
# Eins, zwei, drei
# I'm comin' back to life. #
Mm!
There was no discernible difference in the song when he stopped
playing his...keyboard.
Let's just watch the dying moments of Look Mum No Computer's evening.
- GRAHAM NORTON: - Oh, good luck!
CHEERING
After the audience vote,
you have received zero points.
Oh!
Ah, well.
- Oh...! - And, yes, Waymo driverless taxis -
do you know what noise they make?
It's sort of when they arrive to pick you up,
because there's no-one there, they bleep and reverse.
I thought they'd go...
# Whoa, bitch, get out the way, get out the way! #
- OK! - Is that what taxis normally do?
- Yeah. - They're annoying local residents because they keep
getting stuck down one particular cul-de-sac in East London.
They have to reverse out while making this noise.
HIGH-PITCHED DRONING
I was waiting for like, a little hip-hop beat to come in there.
- Yeah, thought that was a Eurovision entry. - Yes!
Would've got more points.
What other high-tech invention has needed tweaking this week?
- Robots, is it? - It was a robot in Shenzhen,
- in China. - Yes, it was dancing. - Yes. - Performing to Billie Jean.
- Michael Jackson. - Shall we have a look at that? - Go on, then.
MUSIC: Billie Jean by Michael Jackson
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
- Why did they put the stairs there? It would have been fine. - I know!
- Yeah! - "After building the set for the Big Wobbly Robot Expo,
- "why don't we add some obstacles in here?" - I don't know why
we needed a robot to show us that. You could go to any wedding
and that will be the bride's dad at the end of it,
being dragged off.
Well, they have all made a terrible noise,
apart from the town of Plympton,
which makes a terrible smell.
And if you were thinking of visiting Plympton this bank holiday weekend,
I'd give it five minutes.
Look Mum No Computer came last, making it the third time
in recent years.
For many English viewers, the UK entry was a lesson in German
as they learned the words...
..and also "Schiesse".
One review said the problem was that the performance was "overthought" -
although sadly, it wasn't over quickly.
Time now for the Missing Words round,
and we start with...
Oh, I heard this. It was your show. Bruckner turned out to be Brahms!
Argh! No.
It was "Wes Streeting turns out to be three kids stood on
"each other's shoulders in a trenchcoat."
The mistake happened on Argentinian radio
when the man they'd booked as an expert on UFOs
revealed he was, in fact, a urologist.
Oh, well, he was just taking the piss!
CHEERING, APPLAUSE
There is actually a link between urology and ufology,
as this particular alien is an expert at giving prostate exams.
Next...
"For West Bromwich Albion".
- JUDI: - "Waitrose, half price".
"As new host of Strictly".
- Oh, God! - You were almost right when you said Waitrose!
Not the first time someone has gone into M&S and thought,
"Well, that's a little DEER."
Next...
"Soldier".
No, it's a bit long...
Oh, you're kidding!
The albino buffalo lives on a farm in Bangladesh. Here it is.
- PHIL: - Aha!
Finally...
"Fox with independent income sought by police
"for no-strings relationship."
Here is the culprit.
- Aawww! - Aawww!
It's either stolen sausages, or it's bitten King Charles's hand off.
And so the final scores are: Paul and Judi on 4; Ian and Phil, 7!
But before we go, there is just time for the Caption Competition.
Ian and Phil, you have this.
Oh, there's the new HS2 train!
LAUGHTER
Paul and Judi, you get this.
Woman behind's saying, "Brace yourself, Doris!"
LAUGHTER
She could be saying, "Look, this is the last one I'm removing!"
LAUGHTER
On which note we say thank you to our panellists -
Ian Hislop and Phil Wang, Paul Merton and Judi Love -
and I leave you with news that as the Labour leadership contest
intensifies, the whole nation is agog with excitement.
In Beijing, President Xi explains to his guests that the trap door
to his shark tank is just a couple of feet to the left.
And at a charity event in Cheltenham,
an unexpected gust of wind
lifts Joanna Lumley's skirt above the knee.
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE, CHEERING