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This programme contains some
strong language

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening...
<font color="#ffff00">..and...</font> <font color="#00ffff">..welcome to...</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">..Have I Got...</font> <font color="#00ff00">..2025...</font> ..for you.
I'm Jason Manford.

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<font color="#ffff00">I'm Angela Rippon.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">I'm Roy Wood Jr.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">I'm Martin Clunes.</font>
<font color="#00ff00">In the news this year...</font>

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In Leatherhead, hidden camera
footage reveals to MI5

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how the network of Bulgarian spies
were exchanging secret information.

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At a school talent show near
Hinkley Point, one pupil shows off

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the benefits of living so close
to a nuclear power station.

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At Britain's largest container
crane in Tilbury, the operator

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has just been told to expect
a visit from Rachel Reeves.

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In Arbroath, at the opening of
an exhibition on the history

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of trowels, one woman
wonders how long it'll be

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before she can sneak out for a fag.

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And in Pyongyang, Kim Jong-un finds
a way round his dietitian's strict

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orders that no more alcohol
should pass his lips.

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APPLAUSE

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<font color="#00ffff">That's the previous Prime Minister.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">That's the fiscal drag queen.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">That's next week's Prime Minister.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">This is the Labour Party.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">They've imitated most of</font>
<font color="#00ffff">the previous government's antics,</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">so they thought,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">why not have a civil war?</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Do you know what? It's like nuts.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">You've got people who are completely</font>
<font color="#ffff00">allergic to nuts</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">and people who really,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">really love nuts,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">and Keir Starmer's gone,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">"I've got three nuts."</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">That's exactly what it is.</font>

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What was missing
from his conference speech?

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<font color="#00ff00">A trapeze act?</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">That was the Lib Dem conference.</font>
<font color="#00ff00">Oh, yes.</font>

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There was a line of policy,
but he was advised to take it out,

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which was something on the economy
that promised...

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<font color="#00ff00">It'd take your mind off</font>
<font color="#00ff00">the economy, though, wouldn't it?</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Oh, bless. Dear, oh, dear.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">He's hopeless.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">He's got to get it together.</font>

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But of course, everyone can
make mistakes, though,

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can't they, Sophie?

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<font color="#ffff00">There has been a number.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">There's one really, really</font>
<font color="#ffff00">embarrassing one that I have</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">a horrible feeling it is.</font>
I think it might be that one.

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<font color="#ffff00">Yeah.</font> Let's have a look.

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<font color="#ffff00">Joining us in our studio now</font>
<font color="#ffff00">is the leader of Scottish Labia -</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Labour, sorry - Kezia Dugdale.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Thanks very much</font>
<font color="#ffff00">for being with us today.</font>

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APPLAUSE

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She later apologised and explained
she didn't mean it clitorally.

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Rachel Reeves, what's... What do you
think's going to happen to her?

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<font color="#ffff00">Well, she made a mistake.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">She's been exonerated,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">and the Prime Minister was</font>
<font color="#ffff00">absolutely right</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">to accept her apology.</font> <font color="#00ffff">And what,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">people who make mistakes</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">should be exonerated or...?</font> <font color="#ffff00">Well,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">the Prime Minister was equally</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">magnanimous with me, which</font>
<font color="#ffff00">is why I'm really delighted</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I'm still serving</font>
<font color="#ffff00">as Transport Secretary.</font>

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According to one poll on
the Chancellor of the Exchequer...

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..to which a concerned
Reeves remarked,

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"Blimey, that is nearly 50%."

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It's also been reported that...

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Apparently, she was
very tempted by the idea

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she could claim the camp
as her primary residence.

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What's rumbling on for Starmer?

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<font color="#ffff00">The Chinese spy case.</font>
This is absolutely right.

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No-one seeming to be able to buy
the government's claims

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that the case collapsing
wasn't their fault.

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<font color="#00ffff">I think the cover that China</font>
<font color="#00ffff">may not be our best friends</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">may have been blown a while back.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">And also, they're listening</font>
<font color="#00ffff">to you through your toaster,</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">which I don't like.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">What sort of toaster have you got?</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">Um...</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">I suppose I should...</font>
<font color="#00ffff">It's the Huawei Spy Toaster.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Look, I'm not an expert, but...</font>

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LAUGHTER

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<font color="#ffff00">..they're so desperate</font>
<font color="#ffff00">for all this information</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">that it seems to call into question</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">how effective fortune cookies are.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">You know what I mean?</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Think about it.</font>

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APPLAUSE

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<font color="#00ff00">Ah, yes, this is</font>
<font color="#00ff00">the further adventures</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">of the biggest tosspot</font>
<font color="#00ff00">that ever lived.</font>

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APPLAUSE

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<font color="#00ff00">Yeah, there he is, Trump.</font>
<font color="#00ff00">He's knocking down the East Wing</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">of the White House,</font>
<font color="#00ff00">which is not even a metaphor</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">for what he's doing to America.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">It's too obvious and blatant</font>
<font color="#00ff00">and on the nose for that.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">There's no rhyme or reason</font>
<font color="#ffff00">to it at all.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">He's placed 10% tariff on these</font>
<font color="#ffff00">islands near Antarctica</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">where the only inhabitants</font>
<font color="#ffff00">are penguins.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Penguins are there like,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">"What did we do?"</font>

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AS TRUMP:<font color="#ffff00">"I didn't like Happy Feet.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">I thought it was a terrible movie."</font>

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What else has Trump been changing
at the White House?

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<font color="#ffff00">His underwear?</font>

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What underwear do you think he has?

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<font color="#ffff00">Padded and absorbent.</font>

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APPLAUSE

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As part of his annual check-up,
Donald Trump had a colonoscopy.

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<font color="#00ff00">Hmm!</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Where they found Keir Starmer.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">He has to be a winner.</font>
<font color="#00ff00">He can't possibly come second.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">He has to be...</font>
<font color="#00ff00">He has to be the biggest, best...</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">The best cognitive test.</font> <font color="#00ff00">Absolutely.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Nobody has ever done this.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">We've tested millions of people,</font>
<font color="#00ff00">and you, an absolute moron,</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">have done better than anybody else.</font>
<font color="#00ff00">We really are amazed.</font>

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APPLAUSE
<font color="#00ff00">We just don't know how you do it.</font>

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Something has dampened his mood,
though. What might that have been?

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<font color="#ffff00">Was it the cover of...?</font> The cover
of Time Magazine, that's right.

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<font color="#ffff00">He was all jowly and his hair</font>
<font color="#ffff00">looked thin. Didn't like it.</font>

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There it is.

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Trump wrote on
Truth Social...

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Come on, Donald,
it's not as bad as this one.

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Jeffrey Epstein's emails
seem to implicate Trump,

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with one saying...

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In fairness to Trump, a lot of what
Epstein wrote wasn't true,

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like his suicide note. So...

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APPLAUSE

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In other news, why is Donald Trump
not happy with the BBC?

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<font color="#ffff00">Panorama edited together</font>
<font color="#ffff00">a bit of Trump's speech</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">that he made on January 6th.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">It's stupid and it's clumsy</font>
<font color="#00ffff">to have done that.</font>

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I feel like if he was
clearly inciting violence,

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then there's no need to edit a clip

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that makes him more
clearly look to be.

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<font color="#00ffff">I think that's a very sensible view.</font>

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APPLAUSE

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<font color="#00ffff">That bit will be edited,</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">so it'll be me saying,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">"Fight, fight, fight, fight!"</font>

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He doesn't want the case
to happen here, because

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damages in British courts rarely
exceed £100,000,

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which could be why...

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<font color="#00ffff">They do sometimes.</font>

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Hold on, hold on. We've got some...
Guys, hold on.

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<font color="#00ff00">Breaking news, by the look of it.</font>

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Andrew is no longer a prince.

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CHEERING

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Crikey!

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Just happened.

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<font color="#00ff00">The bad news is,</font>
<font color="#00ff00">he's become king.</font> Yeah.

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King Charles seems to have
had enough, finally.

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<font color="#00ffff">Yeah, this policy</font>
<font color="#00ffff">of letting Andrew announce...</font>

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A what?<font color="#00ffff">The policy...</font>

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Oh, ANNOUNCE. Sorry.

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APPLAUSE

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<font color="#00ffff">I kept putting a U in it.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">..announce what's going to happen</font>
<font color="#00ffff">to himself hasn't gone so well.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">It's like salami slicing.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">People wanted...</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">That's what they should do to him.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Yeah.</font>

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APPLAUSE

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According to the statement
from Buckingham Palace,

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Prince Andrew has been
forced to give up all his...

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However, he does get to keep
his Pizza Express loyalty card.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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<font color="#00ffff">St Peter's Square.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">The Pope's dead.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">On Easter Monday, wasn't it?</font> <font color="#00ffff">It was.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Yes, indeed.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Shortly after he met JD Vance.</font>

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Yes.<font color="#00ff00">You can see the look in</font>
<font color="#00ff00">the Pope's eyes, can't you?</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">"Right, that's it. I'm off."</font>

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This is indeed the news
that the Pope has died.

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Thousands of mourners got the chance
to file past the Pope's coffin,

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just as soon as Holly and Phil
had paid their respects.

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PHONE CHIMES

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<font color="#00ff00">Sorry, I've just got to get that.</font>
<font color="#00ff00">Hang on.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Hello? Yeah.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Well, I could start on Monday.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Yeah, I was brought up</font>
<font color="#00ff00">as a Catholic, yeah.</font>

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APPLAUSE

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<font color="#00ff00">I've got to finish this</font>
<font color="#00ff00">and I'll be with you. Yeah.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Hey-hey!</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">I don't care about the score now.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">That's fantastic. Habemus Papam.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">How dare you!</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Your mind is too filthy to be Pope.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">That's the problem with you.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Well, it's true, though, isn't it?</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">I think you should look into</font>
<font color="#00ff00">the history of the Popes.</font>

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One Italian candidate for Pope is...

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..who once...

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A deal that also included

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free garlic bread
and a bottle of Fanta.

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How has a Wensleydale vicar
upset his flock?

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<font color="#00ff00">He confused the term brass rubbing</font>
<font color="#00ff00">with bras rubbing.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Got into trouble</font>
<font color="#00ff00">with a front row pew.</font>

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Residents in Askrigg, Wensleydale,
are furious

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after a 15th-century church tower
was given a limewash render.

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They were promised it would be
a soft honey colour.

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<font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font>
Here's what it looked like before.

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<font color="#00ff00">Lovely.</font> Here's what it looks
like now.

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<font color="#00ff00">That's not good.</font>

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How very unlike the church
to whitewash something.

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APPLAUSE

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<font color="#00ffff">Local elections, bin collection.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">There's Farage, it's Nigegeddon.</font>

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I mean, presumably over
the course of this series,

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people will say - probably
they're already saying -

197
00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:28,360
the show is now mentioning
Nigel Farage.

198
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:30,640
<font color="#00ffff">And the press is,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">and that is the dilemma.</font>

199
00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:32,640
<font color="#00ffff">Do you address what he's saying -</font>

200
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:36,360
<font color="#00ffff">because it seems to be either</font>
<font color="#00ffff">wrong or in need of correction,</font>

201
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:39,360
<font color="#00ffff">or dangerous or incitement</font>
<font color="#00ffff">or hypocritical or whatever?</font>

202
00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:41,640
<font color="#00ffff">I mean, people mispronouncing</font>
<font color="#00ffff">his name -</font>

203
00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:43,120
<font color="#00ffff">it's Far-right.</font>

204
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:47,360
<font color="#00ffff">It's a minor thing that...</font>
APPLAUSE

205
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:51,360
What has Nigel Farage got more of
than any other UK politician?

206
00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:53,560
<font color="#ffff00">Is it beers named after him?</font>

207
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:56,000
It's not. Farage has got...

208
00:11:58,040 --> 00:11:59,480
<font color="#00ff00">Oh, dear. You can get</font>
<font color="#00ff00">ointment for that.</font>

209
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:03,760
How did Nigel Farage
make his entrance?

210
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:05,560
<font color="#00ff00">Was he shot out of a cannon?</font>

211
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,640
<font color="#ffff00">Was it in a rubber boat?</font>
<font color="#ffff00">That'd be funny.</font>

212
00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:10,480
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

213
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,920
APPLAUSE

214
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:17,360
Would you like to see a highlight
of that conference?

215
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:19,280
<font color="#00ffff">Is it the singing?</font> Yes.

216
00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:21,040
<font color="#00ffff">Oh, good. Yeah, let's have that.</font>

217
00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:23,680
# I'm an insomniac

218
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:26,320
# I'm an insomniac

219
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:31,360
# And all I can hear
is the sound of that clock

220
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:34,360
# The sound of that clock

221
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:36,560
# I'm an insomniac. #

222
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:39,280
<font color="#00ff00">What the hell is this?!</font>

223
00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:43,040
That's Andrea Jenkyns,
former Tory MP.

224
00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:45,800
<font color="#00ffff">When she was a Tory, she was sitting</font>
<font color="#00ffff">where you were on this programme.</font>

225
00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:47,400
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, no, really?</font>

226
00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:49,720
<font color="#00ff00">I was on that thing. You said, "I</font>
<font color="#00ff00">don't think we'll see her again."</font>

227
00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:53,280
<font color="#00ff00">Now look what you've done, Ian!</font>

228
00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:55,800
<font color="#00ffff">And it's her song.</font>
<font color="#00ff00">She's written the song?</font>

229
00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:57,440
<font color="#ffff00">She wrote it!</font>

230
00:12:57,480 --> 00:12:59,760
<font color="#00ff00">In the middle of the night,</font>
<font color="#00ff00">presumably, thinking...</font>

231
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:03,520
APPLAUSE

232
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:08,200
<font color="#00ffff">That's a cheering scene, isn't it?</font>

233
00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:09,840
<font color="#ffff00">Oh!</font>

234
00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:11,360
<font color="#ffff00">She's back.</font>

235
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:13,360
<font color="#00ffff">This is the Tory conference</font>
<font color="#00ffff">and I believe you were there.</font>

236
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,600
<font color="#00ffff">So was it as empty as it looked?</font>

237
00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:18,200
<font color="#ffff00">Uh...yes.</font>

238
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:21,200
What's Kemi Badenoch celebrating?

239
00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:22,680
<font color="#00ffff">One year. One year.</font> <font color="#ffff00">Oh, yeah.</font>

240
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:24,480
<font color="#00ffff">She's celebrating that from now on,</font>

241
00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:27,360
<font color="#00ffff">rebel backbenchers can put in</font>
<font color="#00ffff">letters of no confidence.</font>

242
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:29,360
Yeah, she's done a year.

243
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:31,360
But as Sky News pointed out,
a grace period stopping MPs

244
00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:35,120
from submitting letters
of no competence...<font color="#00ffff">Competence!</font>

245
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,680
That's brilliant.
<font color="#ffff00">A Freudian slip, Katherine.</font>

246
00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:45,360
<font color="#00ffff">It's Robert Jenrick.</font> It is.

247
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,880
<font color="#00ffff">The story is he's been going</font>
<font color="#00ffff">down the tube, um...</font>

248
00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:50,480
<font color="#00ff00">Literally.</font>

249
00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:54,040
<font color="#00ffff">He's not the Tory leader,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">but he'd quite like to be,</font>

250
00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:56,360
<font color="#00ffff">so he's leading a campaign</font>
<font color="#00ffff">against crime.</font>

251
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:59,840
On the London Underground,
pointing out fare dodgers.

252
00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:23,640
<font color="#00ff00">I'm confused. Is that a barber shop</font>
<font color="#00ff00">specifically serving weird Turks?</font>

253
00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:27,400
According to The Sun...

254
00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:33,400
He then left his house...

255
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:39,360
This is the Tory Party
Conference over the weekend.

256
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,360
The conference was
so sparsely attended

257
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:44,560
that several Tory MPs
had to go back to the hotel

258
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:46,960
and have an affair with themselves.

259
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:52,800
APPLAUSE

260
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:57,120
<font color="#00ff00">We don't know who that is.</font>

261
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:02,520
Elon Musk was a keynote speaker
at the US-Saudi Investment Forum,

262
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:04,600
which sounds...fascinating.

263
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:06,360
What cheery prediction did he make?

264
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:09,240
<font color="#00ffff">Is it AI?</font> No. Musk said...

265
00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:16,480
Let's have a look at one of them.

266
00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:22,360
APPLAUSE

267
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:25,320
They're very lifelike, apparently,
these humanoid robots.

268
00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:27,720
They have detachable hands
for the Saudis.

269
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:33,000
Talking about exciting
big world events, Helen,

270
00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:34,240
where have you just been?

271
00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:37,360
<font color="#ffff00">Yes, I went to the first-ever</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Riyadh stand-up Comedy Festival.</font>

272
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:40,360
<font color="#00ffff">I wasn't even offered it!</font>
<font color="#00ffff">I wasn't even offered the gig.</font>

273
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:42,920
<font color="#00ffff">I would have had some of</font>
<font color="#00ffff">that sweet blood money!</font>

274
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:49,160
<font color="#00ffff">But luckily, I'm in the running</font>
<font color="#00ffff">for the Boko Haram Gigglefest.</font>

275
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:53,920
<font color="#00ffff">I'm up for that.</font> <font color="#00ff00">That's the one.</font>

276
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:58,480
Who or what do 44% of people
trust more than anyone,

277
00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:00,040
including their family?

278
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:01,480
<font color="#ffff00">God?</font>

279
00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:03,280
Close. AI.

280
00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:06,360
<font color="#ffff00">Oh...</font> <font color="#00ffff">Oh, that's just tragic.</font>

281
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:09,760
<font color="#00ffff">And the head of Google said</font>
<font color="#00ffff">this week, "Don't trust AI."</font>

282
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:12,360
<font color="#00ffff">And you think, YOU put it out there!</font>

283
00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:14,400
It's amazing what it can do.

284
00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:17,720
Would anyone like to see
Ian and Paul as Muppets?

285
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:18,920
Ian.

286
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:25,360
<font color="#00ff00">That's good!</font> <font color="#ffff00">He's orange.</font> Aww!

287
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,200
<font color="#00ff00">I like that. That's good.</font>

288
00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:28,360
And Paul, here's one of you.

289
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:33,880
<font color="#00ff00">They look so benign, don't they?</font>

290
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:35,640
<font color="#00ff00">Maybe we could do this</font>
<font color="#00ff00">to world leaders</font>

291
00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:37,360
<font color="#00ff00">to make them seem less threatening.</font>

292
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:38,840
<font color="#00ff00">Here's Xi Jinping.</font>

293
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:43,000
<font color="#00ff00">Here's Putin.</font>

294
00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:44,800
<font color="#00ff00">And here's Trump.</font>

295
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:49,680
APPLAUSE

296
00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,040
Ian, do you want to guess?

297
00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:57,720
<font color="#00ffff">It's Gary Lineker.</font>

298
00:16:57,760 --> 00:16:59,360
You're right!<font color="#ffff00">Is it?!</font> Yes.

299
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:03,960
APPLAUSE

300
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:07,720
Of course it is.

301
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,960
<font color="#00ff00">Well, it didn't take him long</font>
<font color="#00ff00">to get a new job, did it?</font>

302
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:14,800
<font color="#00ffff">Is he presenting Crotch Of The Day?</font>

303
00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:18,800
<font color="#00ffff">Is there any explanation</font>
<font color="#00ffff">for that photo? Or just...?</font>

304
00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:21,200
No, no, it's just...
It was just in my wallet.

305
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:28,360
Kelly, you managed to upset a couple
of fellow northwesterners.

306
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:32,360
<font color="#ffff00">What did I do?</font> Well, perhaps we
should look at what you did.

307
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,160
<font color="#ffff00">After three wins in four,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">particularly after the win</font>

308
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:35,640
<font color="#ffff00">against Brighton,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">we're expecting</font>

309
00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:36,920
<font color="#ffff00">he's going to be</font>
<font color="#ffff00">in a good mood.</font>

310
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:38,520
<font color="#ffff00">How significant</font>
<font color="#ffff00">was that last win?</font>

311
00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:41,080
<font color="#00ffff">It was a huge win. I mean,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">do you think they now stay</font>

312
00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:42,880
<font color="#00ffff">five points clear of relegation?</font>

313
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:46,080
LAUGHTER

314
00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:49,360
<font color="#00ff00">Was it done as an</font>
<font color="#00ff00">April Fool's joke or something?</font>

315
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:53,240
<font color="#ffff00">No, they just aren't very good</font>
<font color="#ffff00">at walking and talking.</font>

316
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:56,360
<font color="#ffff00">They were supposed to answer...</font>
<font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font> <font color="#ffff00">..and then go.</font> <font color="#00ff00">Right.</font>

317
00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,360
But they made it look natural.

318
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:04,640
Paris Saint-Germain have won
the Champions League.

319
00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:07,360
PSG defeated four Premier League
teams on their way to the final.

320
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:10,360
Some football experts attributed
this to the English clubs'

321
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:12,960
heavier schedule.
Other pundits put it down to

322
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,560
an inability
to modernise their tactics,

323
00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:18,120
while Gary Lineker blamed
Benjamin Netanyahu.

324
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:22,360
<font color="#00ffff">It's good that someone does.</font>

325
00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:24,680
<font color="#00ffff">Just saying.</font>

326
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:29,200
APPLAUSE

327
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:34,920
<font color="#00ff00">Is it the cheese rolling?</font>

328
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:37,160
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, God, that was fantastic.</font>

329
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,920
Absolutely. The annual
cheese-rolling contest

330
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,520
at Cooper's Hill
took place this weekend,

331
00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:46,360
and a wonderful, wonderful,
quaint English tradition.

332
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:47,920
Take a look.

333
00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:03,360
You can only do stuff like that
when you have...

334
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:06,520
When you're in a country
with good health care.<font color="#00ff00">Yeah.</font>

335
00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,800
APPLAUSE

336
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:15,040
What did one of the winners have
to say after the race?

337
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:16,200
<font color="#00ff00">"Argh!"</font>

338
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:21,840
According to the BBC,
after the race...

339
00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:32,760
BUZZER

340
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:34,400
<font color="#00ff00">Oh.</font>

341
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:35,880
<font color="#00ff00">When I pressed the button,</font>

342
00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:38,560
<font color="#00ff00">he wasn't wearing a beret</font>
<font color="#00ff00">or holding a palette.</font>

343
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:41,360
<font color="#00ff00">Right, so there's these rats that</font>
<font color="#00ff00">have been doing these paintings,</font>

344
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:43,600
<font color="#00ff00">which have gone extremely well.</font>
<font color="#00ff00">What they do is they dip the rats</font>

345
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:45,360
<font color="#00ff00">in the blue paint</font>
<font color="#00ff00">and they walk across the canvas</font>

346
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:48,360
<font color="#00ff00">and somebody in New York Art Gallery</font>
<font color="#00ff00">has paid £12 million</font>

347
00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:50,400
<font color="#00ff00">for this huge canvas</font>
<font color="#00ff00">that's rat-based.</font>

348
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:53,360
Yeah.<font color="#00ff00">Yeah. What do you mean, yeah?</font>
<font color="#00ff00">It can't be right.</font>

349
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:54,960
This is the news that a group of
rats in Somerset

350
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,640
have launched their painting career.
<font color="#00ffff">No, they haven't.</font>

351
00:19:57,680 --> 00:20:01,160
<font color="#00ff00">They haven't. They haven't launched</font>
<font color="#00ff00">it. Somebody else has done it.</font>

352
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,080
How are these artworks
created by the rats?

353
00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:06,360
<font color="#00ff00">By dipping them in paint and then</font>
<font color="#00ff00">shoving them across something.</font>

354
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:09,360
Yes.<font color="#00ff00">It's either that or giving them</font>
<font color="#00ff00">lessons in perspective.</font>

355
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:11,240
That's exactly right.

356
00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:13,640
Shall we have a look at the rats'
masterpiece?<font color="#00ff00">Yeah, go on, then.</font>

357
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:14,960
<font color="#00ffff">Yes.</font> Here we go.

358
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:18,320
<font color="#ffff00">Wow.</font> <font color="#00ff00">Oh, no. He's proud of it.</font>
<font color="#00ff00">He's proud.</font>

359
00:20:20,360 --> 00:20:21,800
Oh. Their owner, Steph Toogood,

360
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:24,400
told the BBC she wants to
shift people's opinions of rats.

361
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:27,360
She has 16 rats,
but only 12 of them paint.

362
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,560
<font color="#00ff00">Oh, really?</font>
<font color="#00ff00">What do the others do? Sculpt?</font>

363
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,760
How are the Labour Council
of Birmingham

364
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:38,360
doing with the bin strike?

365
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:41,040
<font color="#00ffff">Not well.</font> <font color="#ffff00">Yeah, not too well.</font>

366
00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:43,800
<font color="#00ffff">And the rats are now 17ft.</font>

367
00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:48,720
According to The Sun,
the streets were being invaded by...

368
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:52,760
<font color="#ffff00">They just need to send</font>
<font color="#ffff00">in cats the size of dogs.</font>

369
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:00,840
The Mail Online gave this
graphic illustration

370
00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:03,480
of how bad the rat problem is.

371
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:07,920
It's not the best way
to sell a glove on eBay, is it?

372
00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:12,920
<font color="#00ffff">"People who liked this item</font>
<font color="#00ffff">also liked..."</font>

373
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:21,920
<font color="#00ffff">Yes, this is Penguin.</font>

374
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,720
<font color="#00ffff">They're not allowed to call</font>
<font color="#00ffff">themselves chocolate any more</font>

375
00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:27,120
<font color="#00ffff">because there's not enough chocolate</font>
<font color="#00ffff">in it.</font> <font color="#00ff00">That's right.</font>

376
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,360
<font color="#00ffff">So they can no longer say,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">"This is a chocolate bar."</font>

377
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:32,360
<font color="#ffff00">It's a bit like Prince Andrew,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">isn't it?</font> <font color="#00ffff">It is.</font>

378
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:35,360
Penguins can no longer be
legally described as chocolate

379
00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:38,360
due to a reduction of cocoa
in their recipes.

380
00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:40,680
Their status has now been
downgraded to...

381
00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:46,880
Now, do you remember this
Club biscuits classic slogan?

382
00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,960
# If you like a lot of
chocolate on your biscuit

383
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:52,120
# Join our club. #

384
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:54,360
<font color="#00ff00">See, its clever advertising</font>
<font color="#00ff00">because it's not saying there is</font>

385
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:56,040
<font color="#00ff00">a lot of chocolate</font>
<font color="#00ff00">on a Club biscuit.</font>

386
00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:59,520
<font color="#00ff00">If you like a lot of chocolate on</font>
<font color="#00ff00">your biscuit then join our club.</font>

387
00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:01,360
<font color="#00ff00">But you may not find a lot of</font>
<font color="#00ff00">chocolate on this Club,</font>

388
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:05,320
<font color="#00ff00">even though that's your</font>
<font color="#00ff00">preferred biscuit of choice.</font>

389
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:07,360
<font color="#00ff00">I think I'm going mad.</font>

390
00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:11,720
What have they now changed
the slogan to?

391
00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:13,520
<font color="#00ff00">"If you don't want any chocolate on</font>
<font color="#00ff00">your biscuit...</font>

392
00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:17,320
<font color="#00ff00">.."eat one of these."</font>

393
00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:19,080
Time now for the odd one out round.

394
00:22:19,120 --> 00:22:21,120
Anne Boleyn's fingers,

395
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:23,360
murders in Midsomer,

396
00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:25,640
Elon Musk's progeny

397
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:27,800
and penises on the Bayeux Tapestry.

398
00:22:27,840 --> 00:22:29,280
BELL

399
00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:32,360
<font color="#00ffff">Well, Anne Boleyn was reputed</font>
<font color="#00ffff">to have six fingers.</font>

400
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:33,640
Yes.

401
00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:36,360
<font color="#00ffff">The connection is extra numbers.</font>

402
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:38,600
Extra bits.<font color="#00ffff">Extra bits.</font>

403
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:41,840
<font color="#00ffff">And Elon Musk has over</font>
<font color="#00ffff">eight million children.</font>

404
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:47,360
<font color="#ffff00">He has a disputed number</font>
<font color="#ffff00">of children, I think.</font> Yes.

405
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:50,360
<font color="#ffff00">So I would think that</font>
<font color="#ffff00">three of them are in dispute,</font>

406
00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:53,160
<font color="#ffff00">whereas in Midsomer Murders there</font>
<font color="#ffff00">is a hell of a lot of murders,</font>

407
00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:55,760
<font color="#ffff00">but there's a clear figure.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">So it could be Midsomer Murders.</font>

408
00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:58,400
Is exactly the right answer.

409
00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:00,360
APPLAUSE

410
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:04,040
Midsomer witnessed
exactly 388 murders.

411
00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:06,200
One death involved a tumble dryer.

412
00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:21,360
<font color="#00ffff">Was the whole body in there?</font>

413
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:23,240
<font color="#ffff00">He could have shrunk</font>
<font color="#ffff00">in the wash first.</font>

414
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:30,080
Now, the number of penises
embroidered on the Bayeux Tapestry.

415
00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:33,080
Dr Christopher Monk - he's...

416
00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:38,120
<font color="#00ff00">That's what he tells the wife.</font>

417
00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:42,080
He recently spotted a...

418
00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:47,360
..which has taken the total
to a whacking great 94.

419
00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:50,360
<font color="#ffff00">This is a common thing that men do,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">is that they think, you know,</font>

420
00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:52,360
<font color="#ffff00">we'd like to see</font>
<font color="#ffff00">their penises a lot.</font>

421
00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:54,360
<font color="#ffff00">They send us all these</font>
<font color="#ffff00">pictures of them.</font>

422
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:57,800
<font color="#00ffff">Are you suggesting the Tapestry</font>
<font color="#00ffff">is one giant dick pic?</font>

423
00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:03,760
Elon Musk's said to have been
offering his sperm to friends.

424
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:07,000
<font color="#00ff00">Just a sherry for me.</font>

425
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:11,880
Time now for the missing words round

426
00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:13,640
and we start with...

427
00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:17,840
<font color="#00ff00">Lawnmower.</font>

428
00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:19,040
<font color="#00ffff">Labour Party.</font>

429
00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:22,400
<font color="#00ff00">Eileen Jacobs.</font>

430
00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:24,960
That's the closest answer yet.
<font color="#00ff00">Is it?</font>

431
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:30,360
Not that one.

432
00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:33,680
This Adolf Hitler is a local
councillor in Namibia.

433
00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:35,240
<font color="#ffff00">There'll be someone called</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Eileen Jacobs at home</font>

434
00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:36,360
<font color="#ffff00">and Paul would have said her name.</font>

435
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:38,360
<font color="#ffff00">Firstly, she'd be like,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">"Oh, my God, Eileen Jacobs."</font>

436
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:40,360
<font color="#ffff00">And then you'd go,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">"Yeah, that's the closest yet.</font>

437
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:41,760
<font color="#ffff00">"It was Adolf Hitler."</font>

438
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:47,160
Well, Eileen needs to stop her
programme of national socialism.

439
00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:50,360
<font color="#ffff00">Now the BBC's going to get sued</font>
<font color="#ffff00">by Eileen Jacobs, as well.</font>

440
00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:51,480
<font color="#00ff00">Yeah, right.</font>

441
00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:52,920
<font color="#ffff00">Come on, Eileen!</font>

442
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:56,120
APPLAUSE

443
00:24:57,480 --> 00:24:58,560
Next up...

444
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:04,280
<font color="#00ff00">Marries whelk.</font>

445
00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:11,120
<font color="#00ffff">Victim of catfishing.</font>

446
00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:12,400
Hey!

447
00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:14,040
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

448
00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:28,800
And here is Lorraine Forbes
with her bottle.

449
00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:30,240
AUDIENCE:<font color="#00ff00">Aww!</font>

450
00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:32,000
Well, Lorraine has sent
many messages looking for love

451
00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:34,360
in plastic bottles,
one of which literally took

452
00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:36,360
its recipient's breath away

453
00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:39,360
when it got wedged
in a dolphin's blowhole.

454
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:40,880
Next...

455
00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:48,640
<font color="#ffff00">It's not the rock in your roll,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">it's the glide in your slide.</font>

456
00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:50,360
<font color="#00ffff">Whoa!</font>

457
00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:53,480
<font color="#00ff00">Beginners to the world of roller</font>
<font color="#00ff00">skating should remember the saying,</font>

458
00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:56,440
<font color="#00ff00">"Don't go near the jungle, because</font>
<font color="#00ff00">to a tiger, you're meals on wheels."</font>

459
00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:01,440
<font color="#ffff00">Should remember the saying,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">"You look like a tosser."</font>

460
00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:07,400
These are all very good.

461
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:09,480
Sadly, the answer is...

462
00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:16,640
Drill it till you kill it

463
00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:18,680
also being Donald Trump's
environmental policy.

464
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:21,360
Next...

465
00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:26,280
<font color="#00ffff">Corruption.</font>

466
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:34,400
<font color="#00ffff">Oh, really?</font>

467
00:26:35,640 --> 00:26:37,760
The festival will
feature special beers

468
00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:39,520
to celebrate Thatcher, including...

469
00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:44,000
..and for later in her life,
Old Peculier.

470
00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:47,800
There'll be a variety of events
at the Thatcher Festival,

471
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:50,840
but apparently no dancing
because her grave is elsewhere.

472
00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:54,640
APPLAUSE

473
00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:55,920
Finally...

474
00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:02,720
<font color="#00ff00">Discover his house</font>
<font color="#00ff00">has been condemned.</font>

475
00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:03,880
Worse than that.

476
00:27:03,920 --> 00:27:06,680
<font color="#00ff00">His tomatoes have been condemned.</font>
No.

477
00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:18,160
Priest Henrik Lenkeit said,
"If one could resurrect people...

478
00:27:22,400 --> 00:27:24,360
<font color="#ffff00">That's priests for you, isn't it?</font>

479
00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:28,360
APPLAUSE

480
00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:30,800
But before we go, there's just time
for the caption competition.

481
00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:34,240
<font color="#00ffff">Do you think I should stop</font>
<font color="#00ffff">the Ozempic now?</font>

482
00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:39,680
<font color="#00ff00">In a moment of compassion, Prince</font>
<font color="#00ff00">Andrew is given a much-needed drink.</font>

483
00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:46,760
And I leave you with news that
there's a deflating moment

484
00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:49,360
for the King, as it's explained
that he has nothing to unveil

485
00:27:49,400 --> 00:27:51,800
and is simply visiting
a curtain factory.

486
00:27:56,680 --> 00:27:59,360
In Whitby, excitement gave way
to disappointment

487
00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:01,720
after a sighting of the UK's
biggest cockle

488
00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:03,360
turned out to be a false alarm.

489
00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:11,240
And speculation about the identity
of the new James Bond

490
00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:12,680
reaches fever pitch.

491
00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:19,680
Happy Christmas!

492
00:28:19,720 --> 00:28:23,200
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE