This programme contains some strong language
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening... ..and... ..welcome to...
..Have I Got... ..2025... ..for you. I'm Jason Manford.
I'm Angela Rippon. I'm Roy Wood Jr.
I'm Martin Clunes. In the news this year...
In Leatherhead, hidden camera footage reveals to MI5
how the network of Bulgarian spies were exchanging secret information.
At a school talent show near Hinkley Point, one pupil shows off
the benefits of living so close to a nuclear power station.
At Britain's largest container crane in Tilbury, the operator
has just been told to expect a visit from Rachel Reeves.
In Arbroath, at the opening of an exhibition on the history
of trowels, one woman wonders how long it'll be
before she can sneak out for a fag.
And in Pyongyang, Kim Jong-un finds a way round his dietitian's strict
orders that no more alcohol should pass his lips.
APPLAUSE
That's the previous Prime Minister.
That's the fiscal drag queen.
That's next week's Prime Minister.
This is the Labour Party.
They've imitated most of the previous government's antics,
so they thought, why not have a civil war?
Do you know what? It's like nuts.
You've got people who are completely allergic to nuts
and people who really, really love nuts,
and Keir Starmer's gone, "I've got three nuts."
That's exactly what it is.
What was missing from his conference speech?
A trapeze act?
That was the Lib Dem conference. Oh, yes.
There was a line of policy, but he was advised to take it out,
which was something on the economy that promised...
It'd take your mind off the economy, though, wouldn't it?
Oh, bless. Dear, oh, dear.
He's hopeless. He's got to get it together.
But of course, everyone can make mistakes, though,
can't they, Sophie?
There has been a number.
There's one really, really embarrassing one that I have
a horrible feeling it is. I think it might be that one.
Yeah. Let's have a look.
Joining us in our studio now is the leader of Scottish Labia -
Labour, sorry - Kezia Dugdale.
Thanks very much for being with us today.
APPLAUSE
She later apologised and explained she didn't mean it clitorally.
Rachel Reeves, what's... What do you think's going to happen to her?
Well, she made a mistake. She's been exonerated,
and the Prime Minister was absolutely right
to accept her apology. And what, people who make mistakes
should be exonerated or...? Well, the Prime Minister was equally
magnanimous with me, which is why I'm really delighted
I'm still serving as Transport Secretary.
According to one poll on the Chancellor of the Exchequer...
..to which a concerned Reeves remarked,
"Blimey, that is nearly 50%."
It's also been reported that...
Apparently, she was very tempted by the idea
she could claim the camp as her primary residence.
What's rumbling on for Starmer?
The Chinese spy case. This is absolutely right.
No-one seeming to be able to buy the government's claims
that the case collapsing wasn't their fault.
I think the cover that China may not be our best friends
may have been blown a while back.
And also, they're listening to you through your toaster,
which I don't like.
What sort of toaster have you got?
Um...
I suppose I should... It's the Huawei Spy Toaster.
Look, I'm not an expert, but...
LAUGHTER
..they're so desperate for all this information
that it seems to call into question
how effective fortune cookies are.
You know what I mean?
Think about it.
APPLAUSE
Ah, yes, this is the further adventures
of the biggest tosspot that ever lived.
APPLAUSE
Yeah, there he is, Trump. He's knocking down the East Wing
of the White House, which is not even a metaphor
for what he's doing to America.
It's too obvious and blatant and on the nose for that.
There's no rhyme or reason to it at all.
He's placed 10% tariff on these islands near Antarctica
where the only inhabitants are penguins.
Penguins are there like, "What did we do?"
AS TRUMP:"I didn't like Happy Feet. I thought it was a terrible movie."
What else has Trump been changing at the White House?
His underwear?
What underwear do you think he has?
Padded and absorbent.
APPLAUSE
As part of his annual check-up, Donald Trump had a colonoscopy.
Hmm!
Where they found Keir Starmer.
He has to be a winner. He can't possibly come second.
He has to be... He has to be the biggest, best...
The best cognitive test. Absolutely.
Nobody has ever done this.
We've tested millions of people, and you, an absolute moron,
have done better than anybody else. We really are amazed.
APPLAUSE We just don't know how you do it.
Something has dampened his mood, though. What might that have been?
Was it the cover of...? The cover of Time Magazine, that's right.
He was all jowly and his hair looked thin. Didn't like it.
There it is.
Trump wrote on Truth Social...
Come on, Donald, it's not as bad as this one.
Jeffrey Epstein's emails seem to implicate Trump,
with one saying...
In fairness to Trump, a lot of what Epstein wrote wasn't true,
like his suicide note. So...
APPLAUSE
In other news, why is Donald Trump not happy with the BBC?
Panorama edited together a bit of Trump's speech
that he made on January 6th.
It's stupid and it's clumsy to have done that.
I feel like if he was clearly inciting violence,
then there's no need to edit a clip
that makes him more clearly look to be.
I think that's a very sensible view.
APPLAUSE
That bit will be edited,
so it'll be me saying, "Fight, fight, fight, fight!"
He doesn't want the case to happen here, because
damages in British courts rarely exceed £100,000,
which could be why...
They do sometimes.
Hold on, hold on. We've got some... Guys, hold on.
Breaking news, by the look of it.
Andrew is no longer a prince.
CHEERING
Crikey!
Just happened.
The bad news is, he's become king. Yeah.
King Charles seems to have had enough, finally.
Yeah, this policy of letting Andrew announce...
A what?The policy...
Oh, ANNOUNCE. Sorry.
APPLAUSE
I kept putting a U in it.
..announce what's going to happen to himself hasn't gone so well.
It's like salami slicing. People wanted...
That's what they should do to him. Yeah.
APPLAUSE
According to the statement from Buckingham Palace,
Prince Andrew has been forced to give up all his...
However, he does get to keep his Pizza Express loyalty card.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
St Peter's Square.
The Pope's dead.
On Easter Monday, wasn't it? It was.
Yes, indeed. Shortly after he met JD Vance.
Yes.You can see the look in the Pope's eyes, can't you?
"Right, that's it. I'm off."
This is indeed the news that the Pope has died.
Thousands of mourners got the chance to file past the Pope's coffin,
just as soon as Holly and Phil had paid their respects.
PHONE CHIMES
Sorry, I've just got to get that. Hang on.
Hello? Yeah.
Well, I could start on Monday.
Yeah, I was brought up as a Catholic, yeah.
APPLAUSE
I've got to finish this and I'll be with you. Yeah.
Hey-hey!
I don't care about the score now.
That's fantastic. Habemus Papam.
How dare you!
Your mind is too filthy to be Pope. That's the problem with you.
Well, it's true, though, isn't it?
I think you should look into the history of the Popes.
One Italian candidate for Pope is...
..who once...
A deal that also included
free garlic bread and a bottle of Fanta.
How has a Wensleydale vicar upset his flock?
He confused the term brass rubbing with bras rubbing.
Got into trouble with a front row pew.
Residents in Askrigg, Wensleydale, are furious
after a 15th-century church tower was given a limewash render.
They were promised it would be a soft honey colour.
Yes. Here's what it looked like before.
Lovely. Here's what it looks like now.
That's not good.
How very unlike the church to whitewash something.
APPLAUSE
Local elections, bin collection.
There's Farage, it's Nigegeddon.
I mean, presumably over the course of this series,
people will say - probably they're already saying -
the show is now mentioning Nigel Farage.
And the press is, and that is the dilemma.
Do you address what he's saying -
because it seems to be either wrong or in need of correction,
or dangerous or incitement or hypocritical or whatever?
I mean, people mispronouncing his name -
it's Far-right.
It's a minor thing that... APPLAUSE
What has Nigel Farage got more of than any other UK politician?
Is it beers named after him?
It's not. Farage has got...
Oh, dear. You can get ointment for that.
How did Nigel Farage make his entrance?
Was he shot out of a cannon?
Was it in a rubber boat? That'd be funny.
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
APPLAUSE
Would you like to see a highlight of that conference?
Is it the singing? Yes.
Oh, good. Yeah, let's have that.
# I'm an insomniac
# And all I can hear is the sound of that clock
# The sound of that clock
# I'm an insomniac. #
What the hell is this?!
That's Andrea Jenkyns, former Tory MP.
When she was a Tory, she was sitting where you were on this programme.
Oh, no, really?
I was on that thing. You said, "I don't think we'll see her again."
Now look what you've done, Ian!
And it's her song. She's written the song?
She wrote it!
In the middle of the night, presumably, thinking...
APPLAUSE
That's a cheering scene, isn't it?
Oh!
She's back.
This is the Tory conference and I believe you were there.
So was it as empty as it looked?
Uh...yes.
What's Kemi Badenoch celebrating?
One year. One year. Oh, yeah.
She's celebrating that from now on,
rebel backbenchers can put in letters of no confidence.
Yeah, she's done a year.
But as Sky News pointed out, a grace period stopping MPs
from submitting letters of no competence...Competence!
That's brilliant. A Freudian slip, Katherine.
It's Robert Jenrick. It is.
The story is he's been going down the tube, um...
Literally.
He's not the Tory leader, but he'd quite like to be,
so he's leading a campaign against crime.
On the London Underground, pointing out fare dodgers.
I'm confused. Is that a barber shop specifically serving weird Turks?
According to The Sun...
He then left his house...
This is the Tory Party Conference over the weekend.
The conference was so sparsely attended
that several Tory MPs had to go back to the hotel
and have an affair with themselves.
APPLAUSE
We don't know who that is.
Elon Musk was a keynote speaker at the US-Saudi Investment Forum,
which sounds...fascinating.
What cheery prediction did he make?
Is it AI? No. Musk said...
Let's have a look at one of them.
APPLAUSE
They're very lifelike, apparently, these humanoid robots.
They have detachable hands for the Saudis.
Talking about exciting big world events, Helen,
where have you just been?
Yes, I went to the first-ever Riyadh stand-up Comedy Festival.
I wasn't even offered it! I wasn't even offered the gig.
I would have had some of that sweet blood money!
But luckily, I'm in the running for the Boko Haram Gigglefest.
I'm up for that. That's the one.
Who or what do 44% of people trust more than anyone,
including their family?
God?
Close. AI.
Oh... Oh, that's just tragic.
And the head of Google said this week, "Don't trust AI."
And you think, YOU put it out there!
It's amazing what it can do.
Would anyone like to see Ian and Paul as Muppets?
Ian.
That's good! He's orange. Aww!
I like that. That's good.
And Paul, here's one of you.
They look so benign, don't they?
Maybe we could do this to world leaders
to make them seem less threatening.
Here's Xi Jinping.
Here's Putin.
And here's Trump.
APPLAUSE
Ian, do you want to guess?
It's Gary Lineker.
You're right!Is it?! Yes.
APPLAUSE
Of course it is.
Well, it didn't take him long to get a new job, did it?
Is he presenting Crotch Of The Day?
Is there any explanation for that photo? Or just...?
No, no, it's just... It was just in my wallet.
Kelly, you managed to upset a couple of fellow northwesterners.
What did I do? Well, perhaps we should look at what you did.
After three wins in four, particularly after the win
against Brighton, we're expecting
he's going to be in a good mood.
How significant was that last win?
It was a huge win. I mean, do you think they now stay
five points clear of relegation?
LAUGHTER
Was it done as an April Fool's joke or something?
No, they just aren't very good at walking and talking.
They were supposed to answer... Yes. ..and then go. Right.
But they made it look natural.
Paris Saint-Germain have won the Champions League.
PSG defeated four Premier League teams on their way to the final.
Some football experts attributed this to the English clubs'
heavier schedule. Other pundits put it down to
an inability to modernise their tactics,
while Gary Lineker blamed Benjamin Netanyahu.
It's good that someone does.
Just saying.
APPLAUSE
Is it the cheese rolling?
Oh, God, that was fantastic.
Absolutely. The annual cheese-rolling contest
at Cooper's Hill took place this weekend,
and a wonderful, wonderful, quaint English tradition.
Take a look.
You can only do stuff like that when you have...
When you're in a country with good health care.Yeah.
APPLAUSE
What did one of the winners have to say after the race?
"Argh!"
According to the BBC, after the race...
BUZZER
Oh.
When I pressed the button,
he wasn't wearing a beret or holding a palette.
Right, so there's these rats that have been doing these paintings,
which have gone extremely well. What they do is they dip the rats
in the blue paint and they walk across the canvas
and somebody in New York Art Gallery has paid £12 million
for this huge canvas that's rat-based.
Yeah.Yeah. What do you mean, yeah? It can't be right.
This is the news that a group of rats in Somerset
have launched their painting career. No, they haven't.
They haven't. They haven't launched it. Somebody else has done it.
How are these artworks created by the rats?
By dipping them in paint and then shoving them across something.
Yes.It's either that or giving them lessons in perspective.
That's exactly right.
Shall we have a look at the rats' masterpiece?Yeah, go on, then.
Yes. Here we go.
Wow. Oh, no. He's proud of it. He's proud.
Oh. Their owner, Steph Toogood,
told the BBC she wants to shift people's opinions of rats.
She has 16 rats, but only 12 of them paint.
Oh, really? What do the others do? Sculpt?
How are the Labour Council of Birmingham
doing with the bin strike?
Not well. Yeah, not too well.
And the rats are now 17ft.
According to The Sun, the streets were being invaded by...
They just need to send in cats the size of dogs.
The Mail Online gave this graphic illustration
of how bad the rat problem is.
It's not the best way to sell a glove on eBay, is it?
"People who liked this item also liked..."
Yes, this is Penguin.
They're not allowed to call themselves chocolate any more
because there's not enough chocolate in it. That's right.
So they can no longer say, "This is a chocolate bar."
It's a bit like Prince Andrew, isn't it? It is.
Penguins can no longer be legally described as chocolate
due to a reduction of cocoa in their recipes.
Their status has now been downgraded to...
Now, do you remember this Club biscuits classic slogan?
# If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit
# Join our club. #
See, its clever advertising because it's not saying there is
a lot of chocolate on a Club biscuit.
If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit then join our club.
But you may not find a lot of chocolate on this Club,
even though that's your preferred biscuit of choice.
I think I'm going mad.
What have they now changed the slogan to?
"If you don't want any chocolate on your biscuit...
.."eat one of these."
Time now for the odd one out round.
Anne Boleyn's fingers,
murders in Midsomer,
Elon Musk's progeny
and penises on the Bayeux Tapestry.
BELL
Well, Anne Boleyn was reputed to have six fingers.
Yes.
The connection is extra numbers.
Extra bits.Extra bits.
And Elon Musk has over eight million children.
He has a disputed number of children, I think. Yes.
So I would think that three of them are in dispute,
whereas in Midsomer Murders there is a hell of a lot of murders,
but there's a clear figure. So it could be Midsomer Murders.
Is exactly the right answer.
APPLAUSE
Midsomer witnessed exactly 388 murders.
One death involved a tumble dryer.
Was the whole body in there?
He could have shrunk in the wash first.
Now, the number of penises embroidered on the Bayeux Tapestry.
Dr Christopher Monk - he's...
That's what he tells the wife.
He recently spotted a...
..which has taken the total to a whacking great 94.
This is a common thing that men do, is that they think, you know,
we'd like to see their penises a lot.
They send us all these pictures of them.
Are you suggesting the Tapestry is one giant dick pic?
Elon Musk's said to have been offering his sperm to friends.
Just a sherry for me.
Time now for the missing words round
and we start with...
Lawnmower.
Labour Party.
Eileen Jacobs.
That's the closest answer yet. Is it?
Not that one.
This Adolf Hitler is a local councillor in Namibia.
There'll be someone called Eileen Jacobs at home
and Paul would have said her name.
Firstly, she'd be like, "Oh, my God, Eileen Jacobs."
And then you'd go, "Yeah, that's the closest yet.
"It was Adolf Hitler."
Well, Eileen needs to stop her programme of national socialism.
Now the BBC's going to get sued by Eileen Jacobs, as well.
Yeah, right.
Come on, Eileen!
APPLAUSE
Next up...
Marries whelk.
Victim of catfishing.
Hey!
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
And here is Lorraine Forbes with her bottle.
AUDIENCE:Aww!
Well, Lorraine has sent many messages looking for love
in plastic bottles, one of which literally took
its recipient's breath away
when it got wedged in a dolphin's blowhole.
Next...
It's not the rock in your roll, it's the glide in your slide.
Whoa!
Beginners to the world of roller skating should remember the saying,
"Don't go near the jungle, because to a tiger, you're meals on wheels."
Should remember the saying, "You look like a tosser."
These are all very good.
Sadly, the answer is...
Drill it till you kill it
also being Donald Trump's environmental policy.
Next...
Corruption.
Oh, really?
The festival will feature special beers
to celebrate Thatcher, including...
..and for later in her life, Old Peculier.
There'll be a variety of events at the Thatcher Festival,
but apparently no dancing because her grave is elsewhere.
APPLAUSE
Finally...
Discover his house has been condemned.
Worse than that.
His tomatoes have been condemned. No.
Priest Henrik Lenkeit said, "If one could resurrect people...
That's priests for you, isn't it?
APPLAUSE
But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
Do you think I should stop the Ozempic now?
In a moment of compassion, Prince Andrew is given a much-needed drink.
And I leave you with news that there's a deflating moment
for the King, as it's explained that he has nothing to unveil
and is simply visiting a curtain factory.
In Whitby, excitement gave way to disappointment
after a sighting of the UK's biggest cockle
turned out to be a false alarm.
And speculation about the identity of the new James Bond
reaches fever pitch.
Happy Christmas!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE