APPLAUSE, CHEERING
Good evening.
Welcome to Have I Got News for You.
I'm Martin Clunes.
In the news this week, as he faces up to the fact
that he can no longer rely on Mo Salah, Liverpool's
manager Arne Slot finds a replacement with the necessary
guts and determination.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
That is some dog!
On the Filipino version of Strictly, one of the professionals struggles
to hide her feelings after seeing her former partner
taking another dancer up the Trocadero the night before.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
And in Westminster, having just patched
things up with the Prime Minister, Wes Streeting's dad picks
a bad moment to turn up with his son's Christmas present.
LAUGHTER
On Ian's team tonight is a comedian and the host
of the Bafta Games Awards, so he's bringing with him a large
demographic of young people who stay in their bedroom and don't watch TV
shows like this, so sod them!
Please welcome Phil Wang.
CHEERING, APPLAUSE
On Paul's team tonight is a journalist
and broadcaster who once appeared on Celebrity MasterChef
with Gregg Wallace.
The loud, abrasive banter was hard to take, but somehow Gregg
weathered the storm.
LAUGHTER
Please welcome Janet Street-Porter.
CHEERING, APPLAUSE
And we begin with the bigger stories of the week.
Paul and Janet, here's yours.
Yeah. OK.
Well, that's the World Cup draw in 1966.
And this is the head of FIFA with...
It's Canada and America and Mexico.
There's Donald Trump.
Trump got a peace award from FIFA.
This is the World Cup draw that happened.
Trump was given a special medal, and...
- It's an inaugural peace prize. - Yes.
- It's not any old prize. - No.
It's football's answer to the Nobel Peace Prize...
That's right.
..because obviously, he was denied that...
Yeah.
..so now he's got the far superior version...
- Yeah. - ..the FIFA Peace Prize.
But it's a rather odd-looking sort of trophy that he's got.
It's sort of like these hands coming out of the Earth
and grasping the planet.
You know, it's like a zombie sort of effect.
It's... There we are.
Look at it. That's a bit bizarre, isn't it?
That trophy is perfect for him.
Like, he wishes his hands were that big.
Mm.
"Grab the world by the pussy."
Trump was so pleased with the peace prize,
he suggested that the Americans should stop calling their
football "football".
Extraordinary!
It's like changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico.
- Yeah. - He's just so needy.
- Yeah. - That's what I couldn't believe.
He needs affirmation every ten minutes, doesn't he?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
"Please, give me a prize."
Oh, and you do, and he's not faking it.
- He was so happy. - Yeah.
You can buy those trophies in B&Q.
So his favourite band, the Village People...
Yes, that's right.
..performed his favourite song.
Let's have a look at that.
Yeah.
# Young man You can make real your dreams
# But you've got to know this one thing
# No man
# Does it all by himself...
LAUGHTER
# Young man Put your pride on the shelf...
When you look at them, you wonder how they met in the first place!
Is it only big macho bands?
Pet Shop Boys...?
LAUGHTER
You've run out of bands, haven't you?
That's it.
LAUGHTER
Other than giving the 2034 World Cup to Saudi Arabia,
what else is happening to promote gay rights through football?
LAUGHTER
There's an LGBT Pride match, isn't there?
And had to draw the teams who are going to play
that match at random.
And the teams they drew to play the Pride match are Egypt and Iran.
It's unbelievable.
It's like if you had an International Women's Day match
played by...Egypt and Iran. I guess...
LAUGHTER
I'm really looking forward to the World Cup being in America,
you know, all these teams from around the world getting
tear-gassed by ICE, every match.
Like, the US wins at the end because it's the only team left.
You've gotten into some football now, so what do
you reckon our odds are?
I reckon it's, it's a sure thing.
Do you think Nat Lofthouse should be picked?
That's just a trick question.
You're trying to make me look a fool by choosing a footballer from 1943.
1953 and you'd be right, yeah.
Not everybody enjoyed the two-hour World Cup ceremony.
Here's a clip of sports commentator Jonathan Pearce.
And if I can ask you to come in front here for another
photo with the paper.
Con papelito, por favor.
Hopefully the draw will be finished in time
for the first match to kick off in June!
LAUGHTER
The man on the right...
Mark Carney.
..Mark Carney, was the governor of the Bank of England.
Yeah, he's done well, ain't he?
Yeah, he's really gone up the food chain, hasn't he?
Yeah, absolutely.
- He now has to grovel to Trump. - Yeah.
I do love that he's called Infantino because he does have a baby's head.
Which he keeps in a drawer. I wonder...
LAUGHTER
Football was invented in Britain.
Which other sport do we have that Trump might enjoy?
Cricket... Not cricket.
He doesn't like cricket.
It's the darts.
- Darts! - Oh, yes!
The World Championships taking place at the Ally Pally.
Let's have a look how the BBC covered that.
Yeah.
The excitement of darts is more intense than going to a game
of football or anything like that.
And how do the prices compare?
You know, football tickets...
Oh, it's a lot better here.
Yeah.
Darts is so much better. The entertainment is better.
You can't go to football and buy these two and go in...
LAUGHTER
Away from sport, what's Trump's latest tactic
to get peace in Ukraine?
It's...
He's going to recruit the Pet Shop Boys.
No.
Well, I mean, basically what Russia wants is what Trump put forward.
Yeah.
His latest plan is just tell Zelensky, you know, "Man up."
Yeah. "Man up."
He's going to stop supporting Ukraine, describing Europe as...
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
All part of Trump's charm offensive.
He's tried the charm. Now he's just being offensive.
Have you got the footage of him making his speech
in Pennsylvania, where he made a rather strange admission?
- Uh, yes, I believe we have. - Yeah.
For miners.
Do we love miners?
I love miners.
LAUGHTER
Also this week, Donald Trump presented medals
to stars of entertainment, including Sylvester Stallone
and the disco Queen Gloria Gaynor.
"At first I was afraid, I was petrified," said Sly
about his face-lift.
LAUGHTER
Oh!
He didn't look as bad as that in the Rocky films
when he was beaten for 15 rounds.
- Dear, oh, dear. - Dear, oh, dear.
Yeah.
This is the World Cup draw and the surprise awarding
of the FIFA Peace Prize to Donald Trump.
Meanwhile, in Oslo, the Nobel Prize for League Two Manager of the Month
went to Oldham Athletic's Micky Mellon.
At the ceremony, FIFA president Gianni Infantino declared...
Clearly a man who's never been to a Millwall game.
One of Scotland's games will kick off at 2am,
leading Scotland manager Steve Clarke to say...
Not really.
They'll all have sobered up by the time school starts.
Under a new Trump plan, tourists to the US will have to...
It looks like it's Guantanamo for Gary Lineker.
Ian and Phil, here's yours.
Trying to get a signal in Central London.
That's me preparing for tonight.
My dad meeting my girlfriend's dad.
That's a cat.
I don't know.
His GP's just cancelled his appointment.
Yeah.
I didn't know what that cat was doing.
It was doing something rhythmical, repetitive.
But what was it doing?
Leave it.
LAUGHTER
Keir Starmer has just started a TikTok account.
- Yes, he has. - So TikTok is over.
He's... It's official.
But the weird thing is, the rest of the government aren't
allowed to be on TikTok.
- Because it's Chinese-owned. - Mm.
- But that doesn't occur to him. - He's got a burner.
LAUGHTER
The Chinese are so good at spying.
I'm not even a comedian. I'm just here to keep tabs on Ian.
Shall we have a look at our leader's TikTok clip, shall we?
- Yeah. - Yes, let's.
TikTok, follow me.
# Now it's Christmas-time...
Three, two, one!
Give us that now.
CHEERING
What a huge amount of fun.
LAUGHTER
Was that it?!
Was that it?
Yeah, well, he turned the lights on and nothing went wrong.
That's a big government hit.
Even I, a pensioner, know that wasn't doing it.
Do you TikTok?
No, but if I did, I'd be a bloody sight better than that.
It's absolutely threadbare.
Who else is hoping to communicate with their legions of fans
without having to go through the mainstream media?
Is this Nigel Farage?
It's Liz Truss.
- Oh, Liz Truss! - Ah!
She's got a new channel.
She's opening up new TalkMarkets.
LAUGHTER
Yes...
Martin, that joke is a disgrace.
LAUGHTER
I'll own it.
Let's have a look at her on YouTube, shall we?
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the home
of the counter-revolution.
Welcome to The Liz Truss Show.
LAUGHTER
We're two months away from Boris Johnson
on OnlyFans, aren't we?
I mean....
LAUGHTER
It's getting ridiculous.
Oh, it was the pull on that shot. The pull back.
It's the cameraman realising who she is and running away.
At one point she described a "broken Britain" where...
And thanks to her new show, they started tearing
their ears off, as well.
There's also...
She says all kinds of weird stuff in this show.
She says at one point that everyone in Britain is marrying their cousin.
But I think that's just because she was an MP for Norfolk.
It doesn't...
- Oh, boy! - Oh, boy!
You'll be taking that back, cos I live in Norfolk!
And wait till her cousin hears about that.
LAUGHTER
The first bit of the show was her explaining how
she didn't crash the economy.
Yes.
And again, she tried to take legal action
against Keir Starmer, who said, you know, "You crashed
the economy," and she issued, through her lawyers,
a cease and desist letter...
Yeah.
..which he read out and got big laughs in the Commons.
And also, on a fashion note, she's still wearing that strange
necklace that's a gold circle, that I think is actually
like her on-off switch or...
LAUGHTER
What's happening to Nigel Farage?
He's being investigated.
- He's being probed. - Yeah.
Ooh!
- I didn't know that bit. - Yeah.
Election.
Spending more money than they're allowed.
But he's denying it.
And it's a former member of his own team.
That's right. Richard Everett.
Yeah.
He's claiming that the local expenses were declared
as national campaign expenses, such as...
How do you make a bar Reform-themed?
Is only pale ale available?
LAUGHTER
Who's been interrogating Rachel Reeves
about the Budget this week?
Bagpuss.
LAUGHTER
The Parliamentary Finance Committee.
Yeah, Bagpuss is on it.
Yes. Being asked about the, um...
What led up to the Budget, is she responsible?
She said...
What about the Budget?!
I know what you're all thinking.
What?
What does Tony Blackburn think about the Commons Treasury
Committee Leak Inquiry?
- Yeah, what does he think? - What does he think?
- Yeah. - He says...
There's not a single leek in that picture!
Who did Keir Starmer say he was missing?
His mummy?
Angela Rayner.
It was Angela Rayner, yeah, and then he was asked
in an interview, "Will she be back?"
Absolutely.
To which he replied...
Someone's got to be.
Was she giving him a wedgie when he said that?
According to the i Newspaper, who's the most popular
choice with the grannies?
Oh, Wes Streeting.
Do we know how Angela Rayner really feels about Wes Streeting?
Yes, we do. Yeah.
They were suggesting the two of them are going to work together.
Yes.
Because Wes Streeting is sort of on the right of the Labour Party
and she's on the left, so they'd be happy working together.
They've got a nickname, the duo.
Wangela.
- Wangela? - Wangela.
Is that your drag name?
Ian and I could be Wangslop.
Ah!
LAUGHTER
- Here we come! - Here we come!
Sounds like a disease that affects cattle!
Yeah, this is the news that Keir Starmer now
has a TikTok channel.
There may be security concerns over Starmer's use
of Chinese-owned TikTok, but his advisers insist it's
vital to woo young folk - which, coincidentally,
is the name of China's top spy.
Thank you.
TikTok operates on a sophisticated algorithm, so if you do
follow Keir Starmer, you soon will also be sent videos
of lemmings jumping off cliffs and paint drying.
According to one YouGov poll on Labour's leadership battle,
And so...
Wait for it.
Yeah.
..we move to round two.
Oh!
The Advent Calendar of News.
Look at that bad boy, eh?
- Ooh! - Ooh!
Beautiful.
Ian, would you like to be the first to pick a number?
Yes. I'd like to pick number 16.
Oh, cheeky.
Why is that cheeky?
LAUGHTER
BELLS JINGLE
Aww.
Oh.
This is a survey about monogamy in the animal kingdom.
And it turns out that human beings are pretty monogamous,
but we are more...more monogamous than most other species.
- That's right. - And that's very encouraging.
We're like, number seven or something.
- That's not bad. - Yeah.
If they'd left Boris Johnson out of the numbers, we'd be
number two, I think.
APPLAUSE
And meerkats, you know, meerkats aren't monogamous cos
they're always comparing things, aren't they?
They never...
If there's a better deal out there...
Do you know which animal was ranked the most faithful?
Beavers.
Leave it.
LAUGHTER
No.
It's the California deermouse.
Let's have a look at this fellow.
Look.
Aww.
You wouldn't cheat on him, would you?
No.
He's nice.
It's one of those few animals that comes with its own carrying handle.
LAUGHTER
Got big ears, hasn't he?
Leave it.
Number one...
LAUGHTER
At the other end of the scale, which animal
puts it about the most?
Chimpanzees.
No.
Dolphins, baboons, killer whales, black bears are all in the bottom
ten, but in the last position is...
There he is.
Oh, wow.
Go on, my son!
So where were you last night?
Literally being dragged through a hedge backwards!
If you do it right. Um..
LAUGHTER
- Where the... - Leave it!
Professor Robin Dunbar from Oxford University
explained humans' relatively low monogamy rating.
He told the Guardian...
His wife will be pleased with that!
Exactly.
In related news, what profession is most likely to have an affair...
Plumbers!
..according to a website from illicitencounters.com?
Milkmen.
Postmen.
- Postmen? - Postmen.
Yeah, absolutely.
"Fancy a first-class mail, love?" Yeah.
"Will this fit in your letterbox? It's all there."
I've got a package for you.
Yeah.
Exactly.
It's all there.
Oh, my God! Calm down!
"Do you want a stamp on it?"
It's all there!
This panto was brought to you by...
Exactly!
Although gardeners, window cleaners, estate agents and binmen also
appear in the top ten.
- Binmen? - Bin men?!
What's happened to Britain's acting community?
Used to be right up there.
Leave it!
Paul, would you like to pick a number?
Yes.
I'll pick number two.
Actually, no, I'll make it number 24.
No, no, sorry, I'll go 15.
OK.
Because it'll all be the same story anyway.
And the door doesn't even open.
It does, look, it's a drawer!
Oh, it's a drawer.
I see. Fantastic.
- And in there is your question. - Yeah.
- What's it say? - It says...
LAUGHTER
Well, this is trains, isn't it?
British Rail are painting their trains different colours, I think.
This is a new sort of, like, insignia, or a logo,
or whatever you want to call it.
Livery.
Livery, yeah.
Livery.
Haven't they painted red, white and blue on the back of them?
Oh, yeah, there we go.
Oh, there's the colour.
That's cheery.
Oh, my gosh.
Good to see GB News branching out.
I can't believe they're wasting money like this.
The branding was designed in-house at the Department for Transport.
How did Transport Secretary Heidi Alexander describe the project?
"It's nothing to do with me."
LAUGHTER
"I'm sorry it's late."
Here's Heidi with news of the train.
There we go, she's got one with her.
She's a very big woman, isn't she?
LAUGHTER
Is this what HS2 is now?
Heidi's just going to throw us across the country?
Well, the livery hasn't exactly been received too well.
The co-founder of the Design Museum Stephen Bayley shared his thoughts.
He went on to describe it as...
LAUGHTER
That clears that up.
In other news, what's agitating the residents
of Sheringham in Norfolk?
Do you know? Is that near you?
Have they got a station? Is it going to be closed?
No, the council want to demolish a bus stop which dates
from the 1950s and replace it with a more modern structure.
But locals aren't having it.
Here's a post from the local Facebook page.
LAUGHTER
After protesters had occupied the site,
and refused to leave for nine days, the council held an emergency vote
on the demolition and the bus stop has been saved!
Hooray!
Yes! So...
Oh, w...
It was a bus stop?
Why did it have a picture of a train in there?
That's slightly confusing.
Because of the replacement bus ratio.
So if the bus doesn't turn up, there's a replacement train?
Yeah.
And if the train doesn't turn up, there's a private jet!
And if all else fails, you can get on the bike and go
to where you want to go.
Janet, would you like to pick a number?
- It doesn't matter what you pick. - Sh!
You're ruining everyone's Christmas, Paul.
All right. Six.
Hey! Six.
Ah, yes.
Liverpudlians love gravy.
And they are the four most famous Liverpudlians.
And they all loved gravy. There we are.
How do we know that, Paul?
Well, there's a picture of them holding gravy boats, look.
Look, the gravy boat's going the wrong way in George's hand.
What we should a gravy boat go?
Well, nobody ever holds a gravy boat turning outwards, do they?
LAUGHTER
- George Harrison did. - Yeah.
See, John Lennon keeps filling up George Harrison's gravy boat.
"I don't like gravy."
"You're getting it anyway."
Did you ever drink the gravy straight from the gravy boat
when you were little?
I used to take the gravy cubes, put them in my mouth
then put some water in.
Oh, you're just showing off about how poor you were.
Couldn't afford a gravy boat.
All right, OK, we couldn't afford water!
So the Daily Express covered a survey of 2,000 roast
loving Brits, which found that in Liverpool...
Yeah.
Not the meat?
You're having Sunday lunch and you're saying the gravy is more
important than the meat, or anything else on the table?
If you live in Liverpool.
You know what they would like? Soup.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I think they're eating the wrong meal.
Do you want to hear a joke about two Scousers in a supermarket?
"Hey, have you heard there's
been a fire at Saino's?"
"'As there?"
"No, Saino's."
LAUGHTER
Thank you.
Back to gravy.
They developed a handy chart which you can use to decide how
you like your gravy.
The Gravy Grid, Not unlike the Bristol Stool Chart.
Oh, why did you have to say that?
Paul, are you thick or very thick?
Medium thick.
I'd go for sort of, like, the 3C.
I'm definitely a 4D.
Most Brits voted for 5B, which is medium brown and medium thick.
LAUGHTER
Anybody wants to take the joke up there, they're welcome.
In other news, where have a large quantity
of bananas turned up recently?
Oh, yeah, they've been washed up.
There you go.
According to the Telegraph, locals treated it as a free-for-all
but one local resident, John Screech, who's usually
on the beach stealing chips, said...
Which of course, it actually is.
This is the news that Liverpool is the gravy capital of the UK.
One newspaper printed Asda's handy Gravy Grid.
That's the same grid they use on Strictly
for the shade of fake tan.
It goes from A1, the palest, all the way down to D6,
or Claudia Winkleman.
Time now for the odd one out round.
Just one between you this week.
Your four are...
A man at a steakhouse in Devon, an arrested shopper in Auckland,
protesters at the Tower of London and the old lady
who swallowed a fly.
I think this is about people eating things, and the odd one out
is the protester cos she threw apple crumble at the Crown Jewels,
as a protest against the establishment and the state.
Do you know anything about the man who was arrested?
I guess he ate something he wasn't meant to eat, maybe?
He stole something and ate it?
So she is the odd one out.
Yeah, they've all eaten something they shouldn't,
except for the protesters at the Tower of London, who threw
something meant for eating.
Wasn't there a man who swallowed a leaf?
And then he got arrested when he coughed it out,
for littering, this week?
Oh, did that happen...? Oh, yes, I did hear that.
Yeah.
Well, it was in the news. It's not important.
A man...?
- A man swallowed a leaf... - Yeah.
- ..and coughed it up... - Yeah.
- ..and was accused of littering... - Yeah.
- ..as the leaf fell on the ground? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Leaf it!
Can you find the headline?
Just to make it...
..make it clear I'm not making this up?
I'm just asking the producers.
- Of the leaf man? - Of the leaf man.
Cos otherwise it looks as though I'm completely mad.
In the meantime, I'm going to plough on.
Yeah, go on.
You were right.
The group called Take Back Power, they threw crumble and custard
at the Crown Jewels.
According to the Telegraph, one guard approached
the protesters, saying...
He has now been made head of security for the Louvre.
And they did it to...
We're not sure if it worked, so more on that story later.
The group, they do have a bit of previous.
What other stunts have some of its supporters pulled?
Pavlova at Big Ben.
According to the Telegraph, they're...
So they presumably threw oats.
Silent protest.
The man in Cattlemans Steakhouse in Devon, what did he do
that he shouldn't have done?
He ordered too much.
I mean, that's a huge bit of steak, isn't it?
Was there, like, a challenge meal?
Yeah, a steak challenge.
Yeah, he ate too much steak.
Reece Chadfield took on their eating challenge
involving 2kg of steak, Two days later, Reece had
to be taken to hospital, where they said he'd eaten
so much that...
When asked how common an injury this was, doctors replied, medium rare.
APPLAUSE
The Cattlemans Steakhouse would like us to point out
that their food wasn't responsible for the mistake, although next
time Reece goes there, "miss steak" would be good
advice to follow.
The other fella, what did he eat, do you think,
at a jewellery shop in Auckland, which shocked everyone?
Diamond ring.
Engraved cufflinks.
Higher.
Engraved cufflinks.
It was a Faberge egg.
- Oh, yes! - Oh, yes.
And they are waiting for it to...
- Yeah. - ..pass through.
A policeman said an officer was assigned to...
..until finally, the egg was laid.
If that didn't work, they were going to rely
on the long arm of the law.
Here is the Faberge egg after it was passed
through the thief's anus.
With the price tag still on it, which, that cleaned
up nicely, didn't it?
How are they getting on with the story about the man
that swallowed a leaf?
- Have we heard? - Got anything yet?
No.
They've all eaten something that they shouldn't have,
except the protesters at the Tower of London, who threw
something meant for eating.
According to one newspaper, activists were seen smearing custard
over the Crown Jewels.
Coincidentally, one of the accusations
levelled at Gregg Wallace.
Reece Chadfield was hospitalised after competing in back-to-back
eating challenges, including a 2kg steak.
Doctors revealed Reece had a temperature of 39
degrees and his blood group was peppercorn sauce.
And it's time now for the missing words round, which this week
features as its guest publication the newsletter of the British
Leafy Salads Association.
This month's guest editor, yet again, Liz Truss.
We start with...
This is Michael Gove.
Father Christmas.
Oh, I know this one.
- Go on, then. - Baby seal.
GROANS AND LAUGHTER
Satan.
Well...
The devil incarnate. Beelzebub.
No, stop, stop.
Mephistopheles.
Gyles Brandreth.
Just stop.
LAUGHTER
It's the Pope.
I was nearly right!
Here is the Pope's appearance at the rave in Slovakia.
May the blessing of Almighty God, the Father and the Son
and the Holy Spirit, come upon you and remain
with you always.
Amen.
Amen, amen, amen....
TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS
LAUGHTER
According to Classic FM,
the rave was part of an attempt to bridge the gap between the
Catholic Church and young people.
Most of the previous efforts were just plain illegal.
APPLAUSE
Next...
Oh, my goodness.
This is...
Jeffrey Epstein.
..an...
LAUGHTER
- No. - No?
An asylum seeker.
He was part of a Nativity tableau.
A Ghanaian migrant on the run from police attempted to evade
capture by hiding in a nativity scene in Italy.
See if you can spot him.
APPLAUSE
I would like to thank the director for zooming
in because I couldn't make it out!
Next...
Meat day.
Is it "cos"play?
GROANS AND LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
- That's it. - Nice.
It's...
Finally...
French.
The true meaning of Christmas.
The offside rule.
No!
Let's have a look.
GUITAR STRUMS
OCTOPUS PLAYS LOW NOTE
OCTOPUS PLAYS HIGH NOTE
You have a big range, Tako.
It's like Rachmaninoff.
OCTOPUS PLAYS BRIEF MELODY
I'd believe in the story more
if you were telling me the octopus was teaching him to play the guitar.
Well, I completely disagree. I thought that was beautiful.
- Well, the octopus... - Lovely.
This was a Swedish musician who...
..and taught it how to play jazz piano.
No, he didn't!
The RSPCA have stepped in, arguing it was more humane to let it die.
So the final scores are...
This is interesting.
Janet and Paul have leapt ahead with six points,
leaving Ian and Phil languishing with five.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Well done.
But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
Don't look now, but there's an octopus playing jazz piano.
APPLAUSE
On which note...
Hang on.
We can't go yet. We want to hear about the leaf man.
Yeah, come on, leaf man.
- We want leaf man. - Yeah.
There you are.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It says in the corner, "Created by AI."
LAUGHTER
Artificial Ian!
On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
Ian Hislop and Phil Wang, Paul Merton and Janet Street-Porter.
And I leave you with news that in California, Elon Musk's plan
to live forever as an AI driven humanoid needs a little
bit more work.
At a party in Chelsea, two people powerfully attracted
to each other agree to ditch the gooseberry and find
somewhere more intimate.
The divisions continue in Your Party as Jeremy Corbyn
unveils his new nickname for Zarah Sultana.
In Glasgow, one nana in the crowd at the football realises too late
that she's left her special cushion at home.
And in London, there are awkward scenes at an office Christmas party
where demoralised staff are forced to join their boss
in doing the conga.
Goodnight!
APPLAUSE