1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,040 This programme contains strong language and adult humour 2 00:00:04,040 --> 00:00:06,000 Good evening. I was going to wear that, but luckily I didn't. 3 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:07,200 Imagine the embarrassment. 4 00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:09,720 INDISTINCT CHATTER 5 00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:11,400 Yeah, I was going to wear that. 6 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:13,920 LAUGHTER 7 00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:45,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 8 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:53,240 Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. 9 00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:55,440 I'm Charlie Brooker. In the news this week - 10 00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:58,360 after weeks of negative press about dubious gifts, 11 00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:02,480 Angela Rayner reluctantly agrees to return some of her free shoes. 12 00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:06,600 LAUGHTER 13 00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:10,800 Ahead of a busy day at a global summit, 14 00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:14,600 Emmanuel Macron undertakes his daily naked yoga routine, 15 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:18,440 unaware his hotel room curtains are see-through. 16 00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:23,560 LAUGHTER 17 00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:25,720 And as tensions rise in the region, 18 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:28,160 North Korea unveils state-of-the-art new measures 19 00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:30,320 to stop people crossing the border. 20 00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:39,360 LAUGHTER 21 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:43,600 On Ian's team tonight is an artist 22 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:46,400 who's famous for his teddy bear sidekick Alan Measles, 23 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:48,000 although he's thinking of replacing him 24 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:50,960 with the more up-to-date companion Malcolm Monkeypox. 25 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,360 Please welcome Grayson Perry. 26 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:55,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 27 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:02,280 And on Paul's team tonight is a comedian whose dad owned a sex shop. 28 00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:05,120 It never affected her life until that traumatic ninth birthday 29 00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:09,000 when she asked for a rabbit. Please welcome Angela Barnes. 30 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:11,760 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 31 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:18,240 We begin with the bigger news stories of the week. 32 00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:20,840 Paul and Angela, take a look at this. Mm. 33 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:24,200 Oh, yes, he's been doing that action ever since he was a teenager. 34 00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,600 Ah, yeah, Donald Trump, Kamala Harris, 35 00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:29,080 this is the American election coming up. 36 00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:31,000 And that's the Labour leader, Keir Starmer. 37 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:33,760 Are the Labour volunteers helping with the American election? 38 00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:35,520 Yes, this was... One case with a journalist 39 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:36,920 who was getting a bit overexcited, 40 00:02:36,920 --> 00:02:38,600 they were saying, the Labour volunteers 41 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,960 have gone over to work on Kamala Harris' campaign 42 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:42,760 and this might affect our relationship 43 00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:44,160 with a Trump presidency. 44 00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:46,960 As if that was going to be any normal kind of relationship 45 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:50,720 if, God forbid, he wins. I love this, this idea that... 46 00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:53,080 Aren't they basically just door-knockers and canvassers? 47 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:54,800 The idea they can make any diff... 48 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:56,680 Like, if door-knocking worked, 49 00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:58,600 then, for a start, we'd all be Jehovah's Witnesses 50 00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:00,240 with excellent broadband. 51 00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:03,360 Are you not? 52 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:06,600 It's a manoeuvre to influence the election in favour of the Democrats. 53 00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:10,240 It's been dubbed Operation Zero Difference. 54 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:12,680 And also Trump made this an issue. 55 00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:15,320 The week that 100 sort of Labour volunteers coming over, 56 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:19,080 this is the same week that Elon Musk is offering £1 million 57 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:23,160 to any voter. It's essentially an enormous bribe to the electorate. 58 00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:26,520 So Trump is saying, "What about these volunteers from Britain? 59 00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:29,200 "They're going to make all the difference." You enter a lottery 60 00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:32,040 by signing a petition supporting Trump. There's a bit of a loophole. 61 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:35,480 Yes. And you have to be registered to vote in a swing state, 62 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:38,840 and then you get entry to a prize draw to win $1 million. 63 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:40,880 He's doing this every day... Yeah. ..until the election. 64 00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:42,800 Do you know who I feel for with this story? 65 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:46,000 I think of poor old Stormy Daniels sitting at home watching this. 66 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:49,360 Going, "They just have to sign a petition and they get $1 million? 67 00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:52,840 "I only got 130,000. You don't want to know what I had to do." 68 00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:55,760 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 69 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:01,840 The Republicans have made an official complaint... Yeah. 70 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:04,040 ..about what they're saying is Labour interference. 71 00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:05,520 They called it... 72 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:11,160 Starmer the far left? He must be so flattered! 73 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:15,360 All those Corbynites turning in their graves. 74 00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:17,520 I mean, compared to American politicians, 75 00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:19,160 he is far-left, though, isn't he? 76 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:21,200 I mean, their left is, kind of, what? 77 00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:23,240 Middle of the Tory party. 78 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:25,040 Yeah, sort of Rishi Sunak. 79 00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:26,680 LAUGHTER 80 00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:29,320 To be fair to them, there is a bit of an unfortunate tradition 81 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:31,800 of the British left trying to influence the US election. 82 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:35,200 Oh, The Guardian newspaper. I can't remember which election it was now. 83 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:37,440 A few years back. It was. In 2004. 84 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:39,960 The Guardian ran a letter-writing campaign 85 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:43,200 encouraging Guardian readers to write letters to individuals 86 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:46,480 in US swing states. Yes. They said things like this... 87 00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:52,760 And... 88 00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:57,240 And... 89 00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:00,400 LAUGHTER 90 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:02,720 Might as well have opened with, "Dear Stupid Yank..." 91 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:06,160 And in America, they're making the same mistake again, you know, 92 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:11,040 it's the left patronising the centre states, and they're... 93 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:12,760 That's why Trump's going to win. 94 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:15,120 How do you think the Americans responded? 95 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:17,120 They voted the other way. 96 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:19,480 Yeah, but they actually responded personally to the letters. 97 00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:20,520 Oh, right. 98 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:24,160 They were very angry. They were not delighted. They said things like... 99 00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:28,600 To be fair, they've got a point. 100 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:31,360 It's a bit like a cowboy turning up at your house 101 00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:34,240 to tell you to vote Lib Dem. LAUGHTER 102 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:35,800 They also wrote back to say... 103 00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:48,520 LAUGHTER 104 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:50,440 In the end, of course, the joke was on America, 105 00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:53,120 and John Kelly won and he was a tremendous success, 106 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,400 and he served two successive terms 107 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,480 as President of Cloud Fucking Cuckoo Land. 108 00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:58,760 LAUGHTER 109 00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:02,520 Do you know who else has been complaining? Is it our Nige? 110 00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:05,960 Our... He might be YOUR Nige. Yeah. 111 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:08,200 Farage himself has lobbied for Trump, 112 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:09,520 and there's some question 113 00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:12,280 over whether Farage's plane tickets over there 114 00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:14,600 contravened the law about foreign intervention. 115 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:17,360 So there is some suggestion that Farage himself 116 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:20,480 might be hypocritical, which is difficult to believe. 117 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,280 LAUGHTER 118 00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:24,280 The Conversative Party, I mean, 119 00:06:24,280 --> 00:06:26,800 have frequently sent over volunteers. 120 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:29,480 John Major sent over people to help George Bush get in. 121 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:31,200 I mean, there is a tradition of doing this. 122 00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:34,480 It's just when the Labour Party do it, Trump turns it into an issue 123 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:37,680 cos he's worried about his actual interference with the election 124 00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:40,480 on the side. Do they ever send people over here? 125 00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:42,320 Yeah, they're Mormons. 126 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:43,840 LAUGHTER 127 00:06:43,840 --> 00:06:46,520 Trump's longest-serving Chief of Staff, John F Kelledy... 128 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,440 John F Kennedy? LAUGHTER 129 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:52,280 Breaking news. Blimey. What a comeback. Yeah. 130 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:56,240 I knew someone had got shot at a rally. 131 00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:59,920 John Kelly was his ex-Chief of Staff during the last time he was... 132 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,560 Or during the FIRST time he was President, 133 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:03,280 or during the ONLY time he was President, 134 00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:06,080 depending on when this goes out on Dave channel. 135 00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:08,120 LAUGHTER 136 00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:11,640 He said, essentially, that Donald Trump is a fascist 137 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:14,120 and that he was always sort of saying Hitler was good, 138 00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:16,040 and he did lots of good things. I don't think that's fair. 139 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:18,240 I think there's obvious differences... 140 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:20,840 I mean, I don't think Trump can paint. 141 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:22,200 LAUGHTER 142 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,880 John Kelly called him a fascist. Yes. 143 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:28,840 Technically, he's a fascist. Yeah. Good to have that cleared up. Yeah. 144 00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:30,520 Cos no-one had spotted that. 145 00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:33,440 I think it was the bit about rounding up your opponents, 146 00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:35,920 using the military and you thought, 147 00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:38,920 "Yeah, that's very left-wing. Oh, no, it isn't!" Well, it can be. 148 00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:40,720 But they join up round the back, don't they, 149 00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:42,440 the extreme left and the extreme right? 150 00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:44,800 They join up round the back? They join up round the back. 151 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:46,320 You know, if you've got the extremes, 152 00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:48,480 they're as bad as each other, at the ends. 153 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:51,000 Centrist dads like me... 154 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,440 You're an average centrist dad? I am. 155 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:57,400 Nowadays, yeah. I mean, this is an average fashionable look. 156 00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,200 I see you've just come back from a funeral. 157 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:01,400 LAUGHTER 158 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:03,440 Shall we move on to Kamala Harris? Yes. Yes. 159 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:05,280 Despite raising millions of dollars 160 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:07,240 and making a slew of media appearances, 161 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:08,560 what's she failing to do? 162 00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:11,280 Shift the opinion polls. There was a very cheering poll, though, 163 00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:13,400 that said that only about a quarter of America 164 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:16,640 think there'll be civil war. Yes. 165 00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:18,480 Trump has been improving in the polls, 166 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:19,760 but getting his voters out 167 00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:22,840 is perceived to be one of his main weaknesses. 168 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:26,760 How has he been trying to get people to turn out for him? 169 00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:30,160 It's not working at McDonald's, is it? We're coming to that. Oh, OK. 170 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:32,600 I'll save that bit then. LAUGHTER 171 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:36,280 He's been appearing on lots of, sort of, incel websites. Yes, 172 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:38,400 and working at McDonald's as well. 173 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:40,480 Too early. We're coming to that. Oh, we're coming to that. 174 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:42,680 I'll give you a nod. Give me a nod. I'll give you a nod. OK, yeah, 175 00:08:42,680 --> 00:08:44,920 I'll watch out for that. Yeah, one of the things that's interesting 176 00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:47,120 about the US election and across Europe as well 177 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:49,520 is the, kind of, gender divide now. 178 00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:51,120 You're close to what he's been trying to do. 179 00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:52,240 It's something to do with gender. 180 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:55,680 He's been appealing to his female base. He said in one speech... 181 00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:04,000 LAUGHTER 182 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:09,080 So, Paul. Yes. What do you think Trump might have done this week 183 00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:11,160 to appear like a man of the people? 184 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:13,440 He's been working at Burger King. 185 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:16,440 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 186 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:23,320 I think he's hired the whole store for a weekend. 187 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:25,720 Those people aren't real, they're full of actors, 188 00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:28,480 and then Trump goes and does cosplay. 189 00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:30,480 It's such a convoluted thing, isn't it? 190 00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:33,360 He's kind of hiring people so he can appear authentic. 191 00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:35,960 LAUGHTER It's like a weird, kind of... 192 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:38,280 It's like an art installation. It is, yeah. 193 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:41,520 Would you like to see him at work? Yes, please. 194 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:43,160 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 195 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:44,880 Look at all the thank yous. 196 00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:46,760 Hello, everybody. 197 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,400 You can't fake this, right? 198 00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:50,400 And you know this is compliments of Trump, OK? 199 00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:53,720 Yes, thank you. Mr President? Yes? Please don't let the United States 200 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:57,240 become Brazil, my native Brazil. We'll keep it good. Please. 201 00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:59,480 Please, please. We're going to make it better than ever, OK? 202 00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:02,600 Thank you. Thank you very much. It was a pleasure, Mr President. 203 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:04,480 Compliments of Trump. Yes. 204 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:07,680 Thank you, Mr President. Nice to see you. 205 00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:10,640 You made it possible for ordinary people like us to meet you. 206 00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:13,000 Oh, you're not ordinary. I mean, thank you so much. 207 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,800 LAUGHTER IN STUDIO 208 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:16,160 I pray for you. 209 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:20,760 Yeah, I don't know if you could tell, but that was staged. 210 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:22,840 LAUGHTER 211 00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:25,920 He's doing it out of fury. Oh, cos she worked at McDonald's. 212 00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:28,520 Yeah, Kamala Harris said she worked in a McDonald's, and he said, 213 00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:31,960 "I don't believe you." Yeah. And then the Republicans said, 214 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,960 "OK, if you worked there when you were 20, 215 00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:36,880 "where's the invoices? Where's the receipts?" 216 00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:39,120 From 30 years ago, a part-time job. 217 00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:41,040 And she said, "I don't have them." 218 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:43,200 And they said, "Aha, you're lying." 219 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:46,520 I think it's nice to see that McDonald's does give opportunities 220 00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,560 to convicted felons. 221 00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:52,680 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 222 00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:56,440 Trump, during his shift, he praised the kitchens as very clean. 223 00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:58,040 Do you know what happened the next day? 224 00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:00,960 Er, they were closed down by the health inspector? 225 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:07,640 Funnily enough, McDonald's US suffered a serious E. coli outbreak 226 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:10,320 and had to withdraw some burgers from sale. 227 00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:14,160 Shall we have a quick quiz to see who here is a man of the people? 228 00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:15,960 Yeah, sure. OK. 229 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,840 Which of you is most in touch with everyday Britons? 230 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:22,120 OK, if I went to McDonald's... Yes. ..and I ordered 231 00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:24,720 a double cheeseburger with medium fries, 232 00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:27,800 a large Coke Zero and an Oreo McFlurry, 233 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:30,160 what would it cost me? BUZZER 234 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:33,960 I have never been in a McDonald's in my entire life. So I'm... 235 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:37,000 APPLAUSE Thank you very much. 236 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,040 So... 237 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,800 I'd like to opt out of this quiz. 238 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:44,120 £6.80. 239 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:45,800 Is the right answer. 240 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:47,120 No, it's not? 241 00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:48,920 Can't be. 242 00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:50,600 £4.19. 243 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:53,000 No, it's probably £10.46. 244 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:54,720 About seven quid. 245 00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:57,600 No, actually, the answer... I've got no idea. 246 00:11:57,600 --> 00:11:59,200 LAUGHTER 247 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:02,040 I'm in TV, so I only eat at posh dinner parties. 248 00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:05,360 But if there are any plebs watching, please write in. 249 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:09,440 And do tell us, if you can afford a stamp, however much they cost. 250 00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:15,080 While Kamala has been denouncing Trump as a fascist at her events, 251 00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:17,640 what important issue has been on Trump's mind? 252 00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:21,840 Oh, is this the size of Arnold Palmer's...manhood? 253 00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:25,440 Funnily enough, yes. 254 00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:28,920 Arnold Palmer, deceased golfing legend. Mm. 255 00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:31,280 He's of great interest to Donald Trump. 256 00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:34,160 Do you want to see what he said at a rally the other day? Yeah. 257 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:38,040 This is a guy that was all man. 258 00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:41,360 This man was strong and tough. 259 00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:45,680 And I refuse to say it, but when...he took showers 260 00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:49,520 with the other pros, they came outta there, they said, "Oh, my God." 261 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:51,520 CROWD LAUGHS 262 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:55,920 "That's unbelievable." I had to say it. 263 00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:57,720 Are we sure he had a big penis 264 00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:01,040 or did it just look big in Donald Trump's tiny hand? 265 00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:04,040 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 266 00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:09,200 The story doesn't even make any sense anyway, 267 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:11,440 like all the golfers showering together, I mean, 268 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:14,280 golfers don't all finish a round of golf at the same time. 269 00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:16,920 LAUGHTER You know? 270 00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:20,000 APPLAUSE 271 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,480 While this has been going on with Trump, 272 00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:24,560 what has Vladimir Putin been up to? 273 00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:27,240 He's been organising a conference. Yeah. 274 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:30,520 He's been organising a slightly scary conference. 275 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:33,040 Yeah, it was an axis of evil event. 276 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:35,240 Was that...? That wasn't the official title, was it? 277 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:37,280 No, it was... Is it the Brics conference? Yeah. 278 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:40,120 Cos everybody's shitting one. Um... 279 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,040 Brics, which stands for Brazil, Russia, India, 280 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:43,720 China and South Africa. Yes. 281 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,440 It's a shame Brazil joined and not Portugal. 282 00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:48,800 LAUGHTER 283 00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,560 APPLAUSE 284 00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:56,040 This is the Trump campaign's accusation that Labour is 285 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:58,360 interfering in the US presidential election. 286 00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:01,280 100 Labour Party activists are heading to America 287 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:03,480 intent on swinging the election for the Democrats, 288 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:04,920 although they'll spend the first week 289 00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:06,760 desperately trying to find somewhere in Alabama 290 00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:09,240 that serves quinoa salad. 291 00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:12,040 Reacting to the news, a spokesperson for Trump said... 292 00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:17,840 Starting with the defeat at the Battle of Yorktown 293 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:20,400 all the way up to James Corden's chat show. 294 00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:22,000 LAUGHTER 295 00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:25,600 Ian and Grayson, take a look at this. 296 00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:29,520 OK, that's Keir in the call centre. "Your call's important to us." 297 00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:31,880 They've given her control of Keir. 298 00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:34,080 LAUGHTER 299 00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:36,640 There's the Wes-ter. 300 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:38,800 Basically, because everything is falling apart, 301 00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:40,760 there's no money to fix it, 302 00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:43,480 so would you like to play a fun little game instead? 303 00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:45,360 Yeah, sure. Of course we would. What's the game? 304 00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:47,280 Is it called Have I Got News For You? 305 00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:48,960 LAUGHTER 306 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,040 In honour of Labour's attempts to fix, change 307 00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:53,000 or otherwise patch up the country, 308 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:56,000 we're playing a little game called Back, Sacked Or Cracked? 309 00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:57,400 LAUGHTER 310 00:14:57,400 --> 00:15:00,840 JAUNTY JINGLE 311 00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:05,600 Basically, I show you a picture and I want you to tell me what it is 312 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:10,560 and whether it's come back, getting sacked or is totally cracked. 313 00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:13,560 Fingers on buzzers. Yes. Yes. Here's your first one. What's this? 314 00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:15,080 BELL 315 00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:16,680 Is this the NHS? 316 00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:19,120 I think it's backed, though, the NHS. 317 00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:21,240 It's, actually, it's cracked. 318 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:23,680 It's cracked, it's well and truly cracked. 319 00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:26,440 Health Secretary Wes Streeting has got a big idea to fix the NHS, 320 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:27,640 and do you know what it is? 321 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:30,400 He said he's found a way to stop the cracks showing in the NHS. 322 00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:33,520 Is that to sew up the backs of those gowns? 323 00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:36,120 LAUGHTER That's a brilliant suggestion. 324 00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:39,000 Um... It's the consultation. Yes. 325 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,120 And, of course, the public have responded 326 00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:42,920 in their usual glorious British way 327 00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:47,320 by suggesting things like every hospital should have a Wetherspoons. 328 00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:48,920 LAUGHTER 329 00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:51,120 Do you know some of the other things that the public suggested? 330 00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:52,720 This is on a website, basically. 331 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:56,000 They suggested that ambulances didn't have an alarm 332 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:58,760 but they had Danny Dyer shouting. 333 00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:02,400 "Out the way! Eat less chips, ya fat bastard!" 334 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:04,080 LAUGHTER 335 00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:05,320 They include... 336 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:15,440 LAUGHTER 337 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:17,400 Which I thought had already happened. 338 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:27,200 LAUGHTER 339 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:29,720 Can you think of any other ways to improve the nation's health? 340 00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:33,120 Pay junior doctors a decent whack? I read somewhere that junior doctors 341 00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:36,240 get paid less than an IT graduate. 342 00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:40,800 And you can't just turn a life support machine on and off again. 343 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:43,800 I used to be a nurse, and I know I wasn't a good nurse, 344 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:46,000 cos when that pandemic happened in 2020, 345 00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:48,880 not one of my nurse friends suggested I go back to it. 346 00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:50,560 LAUGHTER 347 00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:53,920 While we're on health... Yes? 348 00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:56,760 ..have a look at this picture. Tell me what this is. 349 00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:58,640 Is that Britain's gold reserves? 350 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:01,600 LAUGHTER 351 00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:04,600 Scurvy. Ah. It's back. It's back. 352 00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:08,480 Yeah. There were 171 cases reported in the NHS last year. 353 00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:12,160 I'm more excited about scurvy coming back than Oasis. 354 00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:14,560 LAUGHTER 355 00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:16,840 Next, what is this? 356 00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:19,640 Is this back, sacked or cracked? 357 00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:21,960 This is the water companies, is it? 358 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,680 Yeah, I'm assuming it's cracked. 359 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:28,120 Definitely. It's the country's water pipe infrastructure. 360 00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:31,480 Yeah. Yes. And there's also a very specific problem with it. 361 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:34,040 It's something that affects IQ levels. 362 00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:36,280 Lead? It is lead. 363 00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:38,400 One of the big problems with our water supply 364 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:40,560 is the amount of lead piping still in use. Hmm. 365 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:43,800 There are over five million lead pipes still in use. 366 00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:46,200 Back in 1969, water companies pledged 367 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:49,840 to get rid of all lead piping by the year 2050. 368 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:51,360 Based on their current rate, 369 00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:53,840 when do you think they will finish that job? 370 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:55,760 3006. 371 00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:57,880 Is it never? 372 00:17:57,880 --> 00:17:59,560 Paul was eerily close. 373 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:03,800 It's actually the year 3273 AD. 374 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:05,640 LAUGHTER AND GROANS 375 00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:07,120 They haven't even got round 376 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:10,000 to replacing the lead pipe in Cluedo yet, and that's tiny. 377 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:11,480 LAUGHTER 378 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:17,240 Next bit of Back, Sacked Or Cracked? Yes, go on. OK. Take a look at this. 379 00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:18,720 BUZZER 380 00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:20,280 This is Porridge, the sitcom. 381 00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:22,760 Ronnie Barker, Fulton Mackay, Richard Beckinsale. 382 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:24,240 They're letting prisoners out early 383 00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:26,560 to make more room for prisoners to go into prison. 384 00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:30,280 You are right, this is the over 1,000 convicted criminals 385 00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:32,320 who are back on the streets this week 386 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:35,400 after having their sentences cut short to free up space. 387 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:38,840 The papers and the photographers are now outside prisons 388 00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:41,120 just waiting for early release day. 389 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,600 Wasn't there a guy who sort of posed with a Bentley? Yeah. 390 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:46,080 And there was a guy who was picked up in a Lamborghini. 391 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:47,720 It's a kind of prom... 392 00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:48,920 LAUGHTER 393 00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:51,800 It IS a happy day. 394 00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:54,320 Yeah. One of them said thank you to Keir Starmer 395 00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:55,680 for letting him out early. 396 00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:57,800 He did. Would you want to see a picture of him? Yeah, certainly do. 397 00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:59,720 You want to see a picture of him? Here he is. Look, erm... 398 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,080 There he is. 399 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:02,360 Daniel Dowling-Brooks. 400 00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:04,120 He told journalists... 401 00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:15,200 And he added... 402 00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:16,600 Yeah. 403 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:19,040 Would have said more than that, but his sentence got cut short. 404 00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:20,680 GROANING 405 00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:24,280 SCATTERED APPLAUSE 406 00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:25,520 Very good. 407 00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:28,240 There's a moth flying around. Yeah. 408 00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:30,120 I think it's jumped out of the script. 409 00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:33,480 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Oh! 410 00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:40,520 Your final Back, Sacked or Cracked? 411 00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:42,160 BUZZER 412 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:44,440 Sacked, hopefully. 413 00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:46,000 It's a trick question, this. 414 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,240 Did he have a back, sack and crack? LAUGHTER 415 00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:52,240 It's a trick question, cos he is all three. 416 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:54,040 Most people think he's cracked. 417 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:56,360 He was also sacked by his constituents. 418 00:19:56,360 --> 00:19:57,960 But now he's back. 419 00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:59,360 Do you know why he's back? 420 00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:01,360 Is it because it's Halloween next week? 421 00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:05,280 He's back on his own reality show. Ha-ha! 422 00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:07,800 Here's a glimpse of it. Have a look. 423 00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:09,400 There you go. 424 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:13,000 Sort of like a 1920s Gogglebox. LAUGHTER 425 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:14,520 Nice to see he sits on his own sofa 426 00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:17,520 in the same way he sits on the benches in the House of Commons - 427 00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:20,280 like his ventriloquist has gone for a piss. 428 00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:22,080 LAUGHTER 429 00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:26,600 Do you know what it's called? 430 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,880 At Home with the Rees-Moggs. 431 00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:30,480 Nearly. It's Meet the Rees-Moggs. 432 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,000 Oh, MEET the Rees-Moggs. 433 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:33,800 Should have called it Countryfile. 434 00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:35,440 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 435 00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:42,920 This is the news that the Government has unveiled a key plank 436 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:44,520 of its NHS strategy. 437 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:47,280 He's called Wes Streeting. LAUGHTER 438 00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:50,160 One major part of the Government's health policy is for the NHS 439 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:51,960 to introduce a digital approach - 440 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,680 something the Royal College of Proctologists 441 00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:56,520 has been practising for years. 442 00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:59,200 More than 1,000 prisoners have been released early 443 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:00,320 because of overcrowding. 444 00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:03,000 One was asked if he'd be celebrating with a wild night 445 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,640 of drink, drugs and casual sex. 446 00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:08,040 He replied, "I've had enough of that inside for the last four years." 447 00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:09,360 LAUGHTER 448 00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:11,360 So to Round 2, the Picture-Spin Quiz. 449 00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:13,880 Fingers on buzzers again, everyone. 450 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:18,440 BUZZER 451 00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:21,080 Ah, yes, King Charles, Queen Camilla have been in Australia, 452 00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:23,360 as is indicated by them coming down the steps. 453 00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:25,400 There's been some demonstrations 454 00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:28,240 by Aboriginal spokespeople who, quite rightly, 455 00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:30,160 have got a lot to complain about. 456 00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:32,160 Yeah. So there's a big talk about whether Australia 457 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,240 should become a republic. You're absolutely right. 458 00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:36,880 This is Indigenous Australian Senator Lidia Thorpe. 459 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:38,240 Yes. She heckled the King 460 00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:41,160 during a reception at Parliament House in Canberra. 461 00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:42,560 She shouted... 462 00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,880 I think they've already done that. LAUGHTER 463 00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:52,160 He said, "Oh, have you come far?" 464 00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:54,120 LAUGHTER 465 00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:56,600 Someone else didn't give the King the warmest welcome. 466 00:21:56,600 --> 00:22:00,560 Yeah, the senators, the regional heads didn't turn up. 467 00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:02,880 That may well be true. Yes. 468 00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:06,080 I'm only aware of a reality that exists printed on these cards. 469 00:22:06,080 --> 00:22:08,400 Fine. Outside of that, my knowledge is hazy. 470 00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:11,280 Yeah, well, forget it. LAUGHTER 471 00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:13,720 That might be true. Someone else didn't give... 472 00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:16,680 Someone not human. Kangaroo. 473 00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:18,240 Wallaby. 474 00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:20,400 You're really stereotyping Australia here. 475 00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:22,920 No, that's where kangaroos and wallabies are from. 476 00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:24,640 Wallabies are wannabe kangaroos. 477 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:26,840 It was an alpaca. An alpaca? 478 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:29,840 An alpaca wearing a crown. Yes. Which sneezed on him. 479 00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:32,320 Do you want to see it? Yeah, go on, then. Have a look. 480 00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:34,240 INDISTINCT CHATTER 481 00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:35,840 ALPACA SNEEZES 482 00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:38,000 LAUGHTER IN STUDIO 483 00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:40,680 Is that a real alpaca or is it Bernie Clifton? 484 00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:42,120 LAUGHTER 485 00:22:42,120 --> 00:22:45,760 What did one woman outside a church in Sydney do to welcome him? 486 00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:46,880 Did they dance together? 487 00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:48,400 She played the flute. Ah. 488 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:49,600 She played the flute at him. 489 00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:52,000 What was particularly impressive about the performance? 490 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:53,680 She didn't put it in her mouth. 491 00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:55,360 LAUGHTER 492 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:04,320 What was impressive was that she'd only learned how to play 493 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:05,840 God Save The King that very morning. 494 00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:08,200 Ah. Do you want to have a look? Yeah, go on, then. 495 00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:11,760 PLAYS GOD SAVE THE KING 496 00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:13,400 We could hear it inside the church. 497 00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:15,040 OK. Straight over... 498 00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:16,280 She's wonderful! 499 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:21,240 Didn't bother to learn the second half. No. 500 00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:22,600 What other festivities 501 00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:24,960 did the Australians lay on for the royal couple? 502 00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:27,320 There's always a big dinner, but it can't be that... Oh, barbecue. 503 00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:28,520 Barbecue? 504 00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:32,480 And then the King did stuff with sausages. 505 00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:34,800 That's his hands, Ian. LAUGHTER 506 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:40,120 Charles and Camilla experienced a sausage sizzle. 507 00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:42,560 Would you want to see their... Yes. ..sausage sizzle? Yes. 508 00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:44,640 We can't imagine what it would look like. 509 00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:47,040 LAUGHTER There you go. 510 00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:50,000 Did you ever meet Arnold Palmer? 511 00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:51,040 LAUGHTER 512 00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:54,120 APPLAUSE 513 00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:58,880 This is the royal visit to Australia, where Charles 514 00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:01,520 was heckled and sworn at by an Australian senator, 515 00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:04,320 Prime Minister Anthony Albanese said her behaviour was 516 00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:06,640 "not of the standard Australians expect". 517 00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:08,960 Because she was sober and didn't punch him. 518 00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:10,080 LAUGHTER 519 00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:13,240 In a speech to Parliament, Charles reminisced about an earlier visit 520 00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:16,320 to Australia when he had to contend with brown snakes, spiders 521 00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:18,480 and eating unmentionable parts of a bull, 522 00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:22,000 after which Ant and Dec gave him three stars for camp. 523 00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:23,840 OK, fingers on buzzers. 524 00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:29,400 BUZZER 525 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:31,080 Yes, this is clearly the... 526 00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:33,640 Well, the photo tells us all, really, the Photoshop. 527 00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:36,640 A sheep has clearly been producing some art. 528 00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:38,520 Are you telling me that's photoshopped?! 529 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:41,240 Well, I don't think that beret looks real. 530 00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:42,480 LAUGHTER 531 00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:44,040 Some artwork has been created by a sheep. 532 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:45,960 I very much doubt that it's used those two brushes 533 00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:48,240 that it's got on the floor there. 534 00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:50,320 Have you seen this story? No. 535 00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:57,040 There's always an animal doing art whenever I come on. 536 00:24:57,040 --> 00:24:59,760 This is the news that a sheep in South Africa has learned to paint. 537 00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:02,760 Would you like to see it? It hasn't learned to paint! 538 00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:03,960 It's a lie. 539 00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:06,280 It just hasn't, though, has it? 540 00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:08,840 Do you want to see it? Go on, let's have a look. Yeah. 541 00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:11,320 There he is. 542 00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:14,520 Are we looking for sheep-based painters puns here? 543 00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:17,640 Ram-brandt, is that one of them that you've got written down? 544 00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:20,040 You... Nearly. Nearly? 545 00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:22,280 He's called Baanksy. 546 00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:23,560 LOUD GROANS 547 00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:27,520 Although the Daily Star preferred to call him... 548 00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:32,360 That's dreadful. Ram-brandt was better. 549 00:25:32,360 --> 00:25:33,480 Would you like to see...? 550 00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:35,640 No, I don't think we do, actually. 551 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:36,840 Here you go. What's this? 552 00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:38,240 What's he painted here? 553 00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:39,520 Feeding Time. 554 00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:42,600 Is it a self-portrait? 555 00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:43,920 It IS an animal. 556 00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:45,120 It isn't. 557 00:25:45,120 --> 00:25:46,880 It's a rhino. 558 00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:48,440 It's a warthog. 559 00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:51,160 Close, obviously. How do you know it's a warthog? 560 00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:52,560 Did they ask the sheep? 561 00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:55,960 Can you identify this animal that Baanksy has painted? 562 00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:59,000 Yeah, it's an aardvark. LAUGHTER 563 00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:01,840 That's a rooster. It's a pelican. It's not. 564 00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:03,240 Of course. 565 00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:05,280 Those two were really difficult, to be fair. 566 00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:08,840 Do you want an easy one? Yeah, give us one that we can easily guess. 567 00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:11,560 An easy one to finish off. Go on, then. 568 00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:13,840 OK. What's this? 569 00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:15,400 LAUGHTER 570 00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:18,080 That's a jellyfish, obviously. 571 00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:19,600 African dung beetle. 572 00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:21,320 LAUGHTER 573 00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:23,040 Well, it's shit. 574 00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:27,120 I can't tell you on how many levels this is depressing. 575 00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:28,560 LAUGHTER 576 00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:31,080 What does Baanksy's owner, Joanne Lefson, 577 00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:33,760 have to say about his talents? They're nonexistent. 578 00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:35,120 LAUGHTER 579 00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:36,720 She says... 580 00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:42,200 Just the rest of us are. 581 00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:44,040 Do you know how Baanksy learnt his craft? 582 00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:45,800 Did he do the foundation course 583 00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:48,480 and then a couple of years at the Courtauld? 584 00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:50,040 He learnt from the best, 585 00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:53,480 because he grew up with a pig painting prodigy, Pigcasso. 586 00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:59,960 Isn't it amazing that the same owner has managed to rear two animals 587 00:26:59,960 --> 00:27:01,640 that can paint? 588 00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:04,280 It makes you understand the history of art, really, doesn't it? 589 00:27:04,280 --> 00:27:05,720 Yeah. Renaissance Florence... 590 00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:08,360 Yeah. You know, Paris in the turn of the century. 591 00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:12,040 This...farmyard. Yeah. LAUGHTER 592 00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:14,280 Surely the pig should be called Francis Bacon! 593 00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:16,000 APPLAUSE 594 00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:21,720 Do you want to know...? No! 595 00:27:21,720 --> 00:27:23,480 We've exhausted this story. 596 00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:24,800 Nearly. Nearly. 597 00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:27,840 I've got some final dregs to squeeze out. Go on, then. 598 00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:29,600 One day, according to owner Joanne, 599 00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:32,000 the sheep picked up a paintbrush in his stall 600 00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:33,920 and started painting. 601 00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:36,920 What was a paintbrush doing in its stall? 602 00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:40,360 Yeah, with paint on it. Yeah. And a canvas. 603 00:27:40,360 --> 00:27:43,240 And the owner holding it, rubbing it against its face. 604 00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:44,720 LAUGHTER 605 00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:47,840 APPLAUSE 606 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:51,920 Do you know where Pigcasso is these days? 607 00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:53,680 Yeah...In a sandwich. 608 00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:55,800 LAUGHTER 609 00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:56,840 Here he is. 610 00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:01,880 This is a sheep in South Africa, 611 00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:05,000 who, it says here, can paint. 612 00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:07,320 Here's the sheep with one of its paintings. 613 00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:10,120 I'd like to think one day we'll see that hanging somewhere, 614 00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:12,560 for about six days until it's nice and gamey. 615 00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:15,520 LAUGHTER Fingers on buzzers again. 616 00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:19,400 BUZZER 617 00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:23,160 These are the guys who have met in a pub every Thursday 618 00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:25,800 for 56 years, I think it was. So, a bunch of blokes 619 00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:28,240 that meet up every Thursday for 56 years. Yeah. 620 00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:30,600 Have you got any idea what that might be like? 621 00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:32,440 Erm... LAUGHTER 622 00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:38,440 APPLAUSE 623 00:28:40,880 --> 00:28:43,000 I don't know, because today's Friday. 624 00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:45,240 LAUGHTER 625 00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:48,000 Sorry, I was breaking the illusion there, wasn't I? 626 00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:50,920 Yeah, you were breaking the illusion. This is live. 627 00:28:50,920 --> 00:28:52,840 LAUGHTER 628 00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:54,440 That's them now. That's them today. 629 00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:56,040 Do you want to see them back in the day? 630 00:28:56,040 --> 00:28:58,640 I think so. There they are, many years ago. 631 00:28:58,640 --> 00:29:00,440 I see one of them used to be a woman. 632 00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:02,160 LAUGHTER 633 00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:05,000 According to the BBC, in the intervening years, 634 00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:07,080 they've had... 635 00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:12,040 Still putting them narrowly behind Boris Johnson. 636 00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:13,440 LAUGHTER 637 00:29:13,440 --> 00:29:18,200 I think it's a testament to the life-giving elixir that is beer. 638 00:29:18,200 --> 00:29:20,320 LAUGHTER 639 00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:22,120 Is it life-giving, though? 640 00:29:23,760 --> 00:29:26,040 LAUGHTER 641 00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:27,240 Five of them are vampires, 642 00:29:27,240 --> 00:29:28,840 because only one of them is showing a reflection 643 00:29:28,840 --> 00:29:30,320 in the mirror behind them. 644 00:29:30,320 --> 00:29:32,560 LAUGHTER 645 00:29:32,560 --> 00:29:33,840 That's a worry. 646 00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:35,240 They're the undead! 647 00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:38,400 What do you think they talk about when they meet up? 648 00:29:38,400 --> 00:29:42,120 They probably do the organ recital, like all old people do. 649 00:29:42,120 --> 00:29:43,600 The what?! The organ recital. 650 00:29:43,600 --> 00:29:46,640 You know, like, "How are you?" "Well, me stomach's a bit..." 651 00:29:46,640 --> 00:29:48,280 LAUGHTER 652 00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:52,640 They were interviewed about what their secret is. Yeah. 653 00:29:52,640 --> 00:29:54,760 Is it that five of them sleep in coffins 654 00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:57,120 filled with the earth from Transylvania? 655 00:29:57,120 --> 00:29:59,880 Not to my knowledge, no. They were asked on BBC Radio Sheffield 656 00:29:59,880 --> 00:30:01,600 about the importance of men opening up 657 00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:04,560 for the sake of their mental health. This is what they said. 658 00:30:15,040 --> 00:30:16,760 LAUGHTER 659 00:30:18,600 --> 00:30:20,920 It's the most Yorkshire thing I've ever seen. 660 00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:22,200 LAUGHTER 661 00:30:22,200 --> 00:30:24,760 This is the story about a group of men 662 00:30:24,760 --> 00:30:26,440 who've been meeting every Thursday night 663 00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:27,800 for the past 56 years. 664 00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:30,760 The elderly gents meet in a pub in picturesque rural Yorkshire, 665 00:30:30,760 --> 00:30:32,360 though obviosuly they need to leave promptly 666 00:30:32,360 --> 00:30:34,760 if they want to catch the last tin bath down the hill. 667 00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:36,240 LAUGHTER 668 00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:42,080 You're going to have to say that all again in my ear. 669 00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:43,160 "You're sacked." 670 00:30:43,160 --> 00:30:45,800 Gotcha. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. 671 00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:48,040 OK, OK. Time now... 672 00:30:48,040 --> 00:30:49,960 Time now... Time now! 673 00:30:49,960 --> 00:30:51,240 LAUGHTER 674 00:30:51,240 --> 00:30:52,640 Time nooow! 675 00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:55,920 Why have you started talking like that? 676 00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:58,920 Talking like what?! That's how I talk! "Time nooow!" 677 00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:04,160 We've been coming here for 56 years. "Time nooow." 678 00:31:04,160 --> 00:31:05,960 You know you've made me super self-conscious. 679 00:31:05,960 --> 00:31:08,720 Yeah. Well, don't be super self-conscious, 680 00:31:08,720 --> 00:31:10,920 just don't go "time nooow". 681 00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:12,240 CLEARS THROAT 682 00:31:13,760 --> 00:31:15,320 LAUGHTER CONTINUES 683 00:31:15,320 --> 00:31:16,360 OK. 684 00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:22,320 LAUGHTER 685 00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:25,360 Time now for the Odd One Out Round. 686 00:31:25,360 --> 00:31:27,360 Just one between you this week. 687 00:31:27,360 --> 00:31:29,080 HIGH-Here you go. 688 00:31:29,080 --> 00:31:32,480 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 689 00:31:32,480 --> 00:31:33,960 Was that all right? 690 00:31:35,680 --> 00:31:38,720 They are Donald Trump, David James, 691 00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:40,240 King Conker, again, 692 00:31:40,240 --> 00:31:42,520 and the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. 693 00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:44,400 BUZZER 694 00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:48,120 Now, David James was in the news cos he was at the Liverpool game, 695 00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:50,360 he used to be a Liverpool goalkeeper, I think. 696 00:31:50,360 --> 00:31:52,200 During half-time, they had some entertainment 697 00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:56,560 where a small boy, child, was taking penalties against him. 698 00:31:56,560 --> 00:31:58,960 But he didn't... He saved them. 699 00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:03,160 The conker man, I think his opponent was much younger than him - 700 00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:06,760 the person that he beat in the world championships of the conker. 701 00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:09,880 A perfectly legitimate conker that was no way, in any way, 702 00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:11,600 was considered controversial 703 00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:13,720 once it was proved that it was a genuine conker, 704 00:32:13,720 --> 00:32:15,640 and not made by British Leyland. 705 00:32:15,640 --> 00:32:17,400 LAUGHTER 706 00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:19,400 He did have steel conker, he just didn't use it. 707 00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:21,400 It's about making kids cry. 708 00:32:21,400 --> 00:32:25,240 Cos he made the children who took the penalties - 709 00:32:25,240 --> 00:32:27,360 they didn't get them and they cried. 710 00:32:27,360 --> 00:32:30,240 And Donald Trump shouted at someone in one of his rallies 711 00:32:30,240 --> 00:32:31,880 cos a baby cried. Right. 712 00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:33,200 And the Child Catcher, 713 00:32:33,200 --> 00:32:35,080 who looks like Peter Mandelson but isn't... 714 00:32:35,080 --> 00:32:36,480 LAUGHTER 715 00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:39,320 ..and will make that really clear next week, he doesn't... 716 00:32:39,320 --> 00:32:41,560 LAUGHTER ..in any way look like him. 717 00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:42,600 Um... 718 00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:44,480 Do children cry? Yeah. 719 00:32:44,480 --> 00:32:46,600 And so the conker man is the odd one out 720 00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:49,640 because he defeated his opponent fairly and squarely, 721 00:32:49,640 --> 00:32:52,160 and the child, younger person, did not cry. 722 00:32:52,160 --> 00:32:53,640 You're absolutely right. 723 00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:55,280 Yay! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 724 00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:00,680 They have all... 725 00:33:00,680 --> 00:33:02,600 They have all upset children... Yep. 726 00:33:02,600 --> 00:33:05,880 ..except King Conker, who really was entertaining kids 727 00:33:05,880 --> 00:33:07,600 with his metal conker. Yeah. Yes. 728 00:33:07,600 --> 00:33:10,080 This was the controvery that rocked the world of sport. 729 00:33:10,080 --> 00:33:11,440 It was rocked. 730 00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:14,360 Do you know what an investigation into King Conker has now concluded? 731 00:33:14,360 --> 00:33:16,480 Cleared him competely. Yeah. Completely innocent. 732 00:33:16,480 --> 00:33:19,000 At the highest level. They got the UN in... Yeah. 733 00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:20,160 LAUGHTER 734 00:33:20,160 --> 00:33:23,120 ..and they made it absolutely clear that he's innocent. 735 00:33:23,120 --> 00:33:25,600 He's been cleared of cheating at the World Conker Championships 736 00:33:25,600 --> 00:33:27,840 by using a steel nut he had in his pocket. 737 00:33:27,840 --> 00:33:32,360 A spokesperson for the Championships told The Guardian... 738 00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:38,680 LAUGHTER 739 00:33:38,680 --> 00:33:40,720 So it was a thorough investigation. Excellent. 740 00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:42,760 Now, you alluded to it earlier. 741 00:33:42,760 --> 00:33:46,040 What did former Liverpool and England goalkeeper David James do 742 00:33:46,040 --> 00:33:48,120 to upset a child? Save penalties. 743 00:33:48,120 --> 00:33:51,920 Well, yes. During half-time at the Liverpool v Chelsea game on Sunday, 744 00:33:51,920 --> 00:33:55,240 a young Liverpool fan was given a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity 745 00:33:55,240 --> 00:33:59,120 to score a penalty in front of the whole Kop against James, 746 00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:01,040 however, James... 747 00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:04,200 Here it is. 748 00:34:06,240 --> 00:34:08,120 GROANS 749 00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:11,680 Very, very sad. Very, very sad moment. 750 00:34:11,680 --> 00:34:15,480 To be fair to Davd James, he got booed by the crowd, 751 00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:19,720 so he gave the kid a second chance. Here's how that turned out. Yeah. 752 00:34:19,720 --> 00:34:21,440 LAUGHTER 753 00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:26,040 LAUGHTER 754 00:34:31,240 --> 00:34:32,840 It actually looked like... 755 00:34:32,840 --> 00:34:34,960 He looked like he was trying to miss it 756 00:34:34,960 --> 00:34:37,080 and his foot just caught it at the end. 757 00:34:37,080 --> 00:34:39,960 He was showing off. He thought, "I can get this one with my foot." 758 00:34:39,960 --> 00:34:41,160 LAUGHTER 759 00:34:41,160 --> 00:34:43,160 When I got married in 2009, 760 00:34:43,160 --> 00:34:45,360 one of the special treats we had with the guests was you could 761 00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:47,200 take penalties against Peter Shilton. 762 00:34:47,200 --> 00:34:49,040 It was brilliant. I had a go. 763 00:34:49,040 --> 00:34:50,920 Yeah. Guess what. He saved it? 764 00:34:50,920 --> 00:34:53,000 I missed. LAUGHTER 765 00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:56,480 My wife, Suki, scored. So did Bruce Forsyth. 766 00:34:56,480 --> 00:34:58,120 LAUGHTER 767 00:34:58,120 --> 00:35:00,240 On your wedding night? Yeah... No, not on the wedding night. 768 00:35:00,240 --> 00:35:02,240 LAUGHTER 769 00:35:02,240 --> 00:35:03,880 APPLAUSE 770 00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:10,840 In Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, the Child Catcher is 771 00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:13,680 employed to catch children and imprison them 772 00:35:13,680 --> 00:35:16,320 in the fictional land of Vulgaria. 773 00:35:16,320 --> 00:35:19,040 Or, as it's known in the real world, Luton. 774 00:35:19,040 --> 00:35:20,320 LAUGHTER 775 00:35:20,320 --> 00:35:23,200 You nearly got there. Donald Trump, do you know how he upset a child? 776 00:35:23,200 --> 00:35:25,560 It wasn't the incident you were referring to. Oh, right. 777 00:35:25,560 --> 00:35:27,680 Given that he is a huge baby... 778 00:35:27,680 --> 00:35:29,560 It might be something to do with mowing the lawn. 779 00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:32,320 No, that's something else. That sounds like a dream. 780 00:35:32,320 --> 00:35:35,320 Sorry. Trump mowing the lawn? 781 00:35:35,320 --> 00:35:39,480 No! What was he wearing in this dream?! 782 00:35:39,480 --> 00:35:41,920 Oh, I'm in a studio! 783 00:35:41,920 --> 00:35:44,280 LAUGHTER 784 00:35:44,280 --> 00:35:47,480 Yeah, with some other artists. There's a pig, and... 785 00:35:47,480 --> 00:35:50,000 LAUGHTER ..a number of sheep. 786 00:35:50,000 --> 00:35:52,280 It was actually Christmas-time. 787 00:35:52,280 --> 00:35:55,600 As part of a sort of PR opportunity when he was still President... Yes. 788 00:35:55,600 --> 00:35:58,320 ..he took a call from a seven-year-old 789 00:35:58,320 --> 00:36:00,320 who wanted to ask about Santa, 790 00:36:00,320 --> 00:36:01,920 and this is the response... Oh, no. 791 00:36:01,920 --> 00:36:03,640 ..Trump gave. No! 792 00:36:10,160 --> 00:36:11,920 GROANS IN STUDIO 793 00:36:14,960 --> 00:36:16,920 GROANS AND LAUGHTER IN STUDIO 794 00:36:20,200 --> 00:36:22,800 I think that's the first time I've ever seen him smiling. 795 00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:24,360 LAUGHTER 796 00:36:24,360 --> 00:36:27,040 Yes, you were right, they've all upset children, 797 00:36:27,040 --> 00:36:28,480 except King Conker, 798 00:36:28,480 --> 00:36:31,240 who really was entertaining kids with his metal conker. 799 00:36:31,240 --> 00:36:33,000 Yeah, that old chestnut. 800 00:36:33,000 --> 00:36:34,720 GROANS AND LAUGHTER 801 00:36:34,720 --> 00:36:36,120 Here is King Conker himself. 802 00:36:36,120 --> 00:36:38,640 Don't worry, his social life doesn't just revolve around conkers - 803 00:36:38,640 --> 00:36:40,440 in his spare time, he goes to his local pub, 804 00:36:40,440 --> 00:36:42,720 kneels on all fours and gets used as a snooker table. 805 00:36:42,720 --> 00:36:44,680 LAUGHTER 806 00:36:44,680 --> 00:36:47,240 Time now for the Missing Words Round, which this week features 807 00:36:47,240 --> 00:36:50,400 as its guest publication Goat Rancher. 808 00:36:50,400 --> 00:36:51,840 Woohoo! 809 00:36:51,840 --> 00:36:53,200 We start with this. 810 00:36:56,280 --> 00:36:57,640 Firemen left red-faced 811 00:36:57,640 --> 00:36:59,640 after mistaking a black bin liner 812 00:36:59,640 --> 00:37:01,320 for puma in tree. 813 00:37:01,320 --> 00:37:02,840 LAUGHTER 814 00:37:06,560 --> 00:37:07,920 LAUGHTER 815 00:37:07,920 --> 00:37:10,240 This is a brand-new fire station in Germany, 816 00:37:10,240 --> 00:37:11,680 which burnt down when a fire broke out 817 00:37:11,680 --> 00:37:15,760 because it hadn't been fitted with fire alarms to detect the blaze. 818 00:37:15,760 --> 00:37:18,360 "Nein, nein, nein," cried the firemen 819 00:37:18,360 --> 00:37:20,280 as they watched the flames spread. 820 00:37:20,280 --> 00:37:21,920 LAUGHTER 821 00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:23,480 Next... 822 00:37:26,880 --> 00:37:29,360 Counting half-hours. 823 00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:31,640 LAUGHTER With one hour off for lunch. 824 00:37:31,640 --> 00:37:33,680 Yeah. 825 00:37:33,680 --> 00:37:35,680 Eating pork scratchings. 826 00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:37,000 You know what? I should... 827 00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:39,120 I mean, the answer is "eating a bag of crisps". 828 00:37:39,120 --> 00:37:40,560 Is it, really? 829 00:37:40,560 --> 00:37:43,080 Here he is. This is darts player Kevin Mills, 830 00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:45,440 who lives entirely off bread and crisps. 831 00:37:45,440 --> 00:37:47,720 And he once ate... 832 00:37:48,960 --> 00:37:51,560 Which, ironically, comes out at one hundred and eighty... 833 00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:54,200 ..thousand calories. LAUGHTER 834 00:37:54,200 --> 00:37:58,160 Next, what could be the most impractical fashion trend ever? 835 00:37:58,160 --> 00:37:59,600 Knee-length hats. 836 00:37:59,600 --> 00:38:01,680 LAUGHTER 837 00:38:01,680 --> 00:38:03,240 See-through scarves. 838 00:38:03,240 --> 00:38:04,960 What's wrong with a see-through scarf? 839 00:38:04,960 --> 00:38:07,360 Do you like the one I'm wearing? LAUGHTER 840 00:38:09,600 --> 00:38:11,120 APPLAUSE 841 00:38:13,080 --> 00:38:15,920 The answer is actually... 842 00:38:17,120 --> 00:38:20,160 That's a skirt! LAUGHTER 843 00:38:20,160 --> 00:38:22,480 OK, next. If you what...? 844 00:38:25,840 --> 00:38:28,080 If you impersonate a Spanish goat. 845 00:38:28,080 --> 00:38:29,920 "Are you a goat?" "Si, senor." 846 00:38:29,920 --> 00:38:31,360 LAUGHTER 847 00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:33,000 That's eerily accurate. 848 00:38:33,000 --> 00:38:35,840 Eerily accurate? That's a Spanish goat - "Si, senor." 849 00:38:35,840 --> 00:38:39,640 Is that a Mexican goat? No, it's a Spanish goat. "Si, senor." 850 00:38:39,640 --> 00:38:41,680 It's actually... 851 00:38:45,680 --> 00:38:49,040 I hate to say this, but nobody expects a visit... 852 00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:51,280 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 853 00:38:51,280 --> 00:38:55,240 ..from the Spanish Goat Police. APPLAUSE 854 00:38:55,240 --> 00:38:56,920 Next... 855 00:38:58,280 --> 00:39:01,320 ..after what? Tea brewed by Devil. 856 00:39:01,320 --> 00:39:03,440 LAUGHTER It's... 857 00:39:08,160 --> 00:39:10,360 LAUGHTER 858 00:39:10,360 --> 00:39:11,720 As you do. 859 00:39:11,720 --> 00:39:13,800 Why not Harvest Festival? 860 00:39:13,800 --> 00:39:15,640 LAUGHTER 861 00:39:15,640 --> 00:39:17,320 Bomb disposal experts had to be called 862 00:39:17,320 --> 00:39:20,240 to a church in Manchester this week when a parishioner turned up 863 00:39:20,240 --> 00:39:22,120 with a live shell to show friends. 864 00:39:22,120 --> 00:39:25,600 The live World War I shell was the most explosive thing they've had 865 00:39:25,600 --> 00:39:27,080 in St Paul's Church Withington, 866 00:39:27,080 --> 00:39:30,200 apart from last year's open-house discussion abut gay marriage. 867 00:39:30,200 --> 00:39:31,800 LAUGHTER 868 00:39:31,800 --> 00:39:33,040 Next... 869 00:39:34,600 --> 00:39:37,560 ..what? I saw this. It was three minutes. 870 00:39:37,560 --> 00:39:39,400 In the airport. AUDIENCE MEMBER SPEAKS INAUDIBLY 871 00:39:39,400 --> 00:39:41,840 Thank you. You're absolutely right. LAUGHTER 872 00:39:41,840 --> 00:39:43,520 There's an old woman who reads the paper. 873 00:39:43,520 --> 00:39:45,720 New Zealand... 874 00:39:47,320 --> 00:39:49,720 Blimey. Yeah, and it's going to make, you know, 875 00:39:49,720 --> 00:39:51,600 Richard Curtis films very short. 876 00:39:51,600 --> 00:39:53,360 LAUGHTER 877 00:39:53,360 --> 00:39:56,080 Don't they call it the French leave, when you just go? 878 00:39:56,080 --> 00:39:57,960 Yeah. That's a French exit. 879 00:39:57,960 --> 00:40:00,200 French exit, yeah. When you disappear out of a party. 880 00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:02,360 Yeah. Or a war. 881 00:40:02,360 --> 00:40:04,440 LAUGHTER 882 00:40:04,440 --> 00:40:06,960 This is the news that officials... 883 00:40:06,960 --> 00:40:08,600 ..officials at an airport in New Zealand 884 00:40:08,600 --> 00:40:10,960 have limited goodbye hugs to just three minutes 885 00:40:10,960 --> 00:40:13,400 to reduce congestion in the drop-off zone. 886 00:40:13,400 --> 00:40:15,880 Do you want to see the sign they put up? Yes, please. 887 00:40:15,880 --> 00:40:17,240 Here it is. 888 00:40:18,440 --> 00:40:20,200 As you can see there, it says... 889 00:40:20,200 --> 00:40:24,560 LAUGHTER 890 00:40:24,560 --> 00:40:27,320 So they're encouraging dogging, basically. 891 00:40:27,320 --> 00:40:29,560 Yeah, exactly. Exactly. 892 00:40:32,320 --> 00:40:33,760 Next... 893 00:40:36,400 --> 00:40:39,120 ..what?Is it that has 12 pictures of Arnold Palmer 894 00:40:39,120 --> 00:40:40,800 in tight trousers? LAUGHTER 895 00:40:40,800 --> 00:40:43,120 By creating a calendar that has a goat 896 00:40:43,120 --> 00:40:45,080 illustrating every month of the year. 897 00:40:45,080 --> 00:40:47,120 More exciting than that. 898 00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:50,600 Two goats illustrating every month of the year. 899 00:40:50,600 --> 00:40:52,200 It's actually... 900 00:40:56,760 --> 00:40:58,640 GROANS 901 00:40:58,640 --> 00:41:01,200 Here is Stuart Atkinson with his motorway calendar. 902 00:41:01,200 --> 00:41:03,040 LAUGHTER 903 00:41:03,040 --> 00:41:05,080 It's clearly brought him joy, hasn't it? 904 00:41:05,080 --> 00:41:06,640 LAUGHTER 905 00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:09,400 He was inspired, apparently, to create his M60 calendar 906 00:41:09,400 --> 00:41:12,240 after noticing the British tradition of silly calendars, 907 00:41:12,240 --> 00:41:13,280 including... 908 00:41:14,480 --> 00:41:16,120 Yes. I think he's provided one item 909 00:41:16,120 --> 00:41:17,760 that is going to feature heavily in that. 910 00:41:17,760 --> 00:41:19,920 LAUGHTER Finally... 911 00:41:21,560 --> 00:41:22,880 By what? 912 00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:25,480 By making it an Admiral of the Fleet. 913 00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:27,640 Was it "by text"? 914 00:41:27,640 --> 00:41:29,680 LAUGHTER 915 00:41:29,680 --> 00:41:31,720 Ian, you were surprisingly close. 916 00:41:31,720 --> 00:41:35,240 King Charles complimented a goat in Guernsey by... 917 00:41:35,240 --> 00:41:38,240 And what was that? Is it Baroness Mone? 918 00:41:38,240 --> 00:41:39,760 GROANS 919 00:41:40,760 --> 00:41:42,720 LAUGHTER 920 00:41:42,720 --> 00:41:45,080 Entirely innocent. 921 00:41:45,080 --> 00:41:47,080 LAUGHTER 922 00:41:47,080 --> 00:41:48,920 Here is the King honouring the rare goat 923 00:41:48,920 --> 00:41:51,120 on a recent trip to the Channel Islands. 924 00:41:51,120 --> 00:41:54,440 Do you think that cheapens your knighthood, Sir Grayson? Well, no. 925 00:41:54,440 --> 00:41:57,040 I mean, if they can be artists, then they can be knights as well. 926 00:41:57,040 --> 00:41:58,280 Fine. 927 00:41:58,280 --> 00:42:00,960 Who'd you get a knighthood off? Which government? 928 00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:02,200 The Tory government. 929 00:42:03,280 --> 00:42:04,880 LAUGHTER 930 00:42:04,880 --> 00:42:07,320 I'm a crossbench sir. 931 00:42:07,320 --> 00:42:09,000 LAUGHTER 932 00:42:13,160 --> 00:42:15,720 APPLAUSE 933 00:42:15,720 --> 00:42:18,520 It's time up, and the final scores are - 934 00:42:18,520 --> 00:42:20,520 Ian and Grayson have 5, 935 00:42:20,520 --> 00:42:22,880 but Paul and Angela have 7. 936 00:42:22,880 --> 00:42:24,680 Well done. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 937 00:42:27,760 --> 00:42:30,520 However, before we go, there's just time for the caption competition. 938 00:42:30,520 --> 00:42:32,560 Ian and Grayson have this. 939 00:42:32,560 --> 00:42:37,040 Goat-themed Extinction Rebellion tea. 940 00:42:37,040 --> 00:42:38,800 That's what I call a stag do! 941 00:42:38,800 --> 00:42:40,520 LAUGHTER 942 00:42:40,520 --> 00:42:43,440 Tory members convene for last vote. 943 00:42:43,440 --> 00:42:44,720 LAUGHTER 944 00:42:44,720 --> 00:42:46,320 Paul and Angela get this. 945 00:42:47,320 --> 00:42:49,560 We must never say what happened to Gerald. 946 00:42:49,560 --> 00:42:51,360 LAUGHTER 947 00:42:53,360 --> 00:42:55,520 On that note, we say thank you to our panellists, 948 00:42:55,520 --> 00:42:58,160 Ian Hislop and Sir Grayson Perry, Paul Merton and Angela Barnes. 949 00:42:58,160 --> 00:43:01,880 And I leave you with news that, at a literary festival in Essex, 950 00:43:01,880 --> 00:43:04,840 there's a world first as a book loses all of its value 951 00:43:04,840 --> 00:43:08,000 the instant its author signs it. 952 00:43:08,000 --> 00:43:09,880 LAUGHTER 953 00:43:09,880 --> 00:43:11,840 APPLAUSE 954 00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:14,040 After two years on an NHS waiting list, 955 00:43:14,040 --> 00:43:17,960 one man looks for an alternative way to cure his constipation. 956 00:43:17,960 --> 00:43:20,160 LAUGHTER AND GROANS 957 00:43:23,040 --> 00:43:25,640 And in Florida, Donald Trump gets Melania to help him 958 00:43:25,640 --> 00:43:27,840 with his Halloween costume. 959 00:43:27,840 --> 00:43:29,800 LAUGHTER 960 00:43:31,640 --> 00:43:33,400 Goodnight. 961 00:43:33,400 --> 00:43:35,320 APPLAUSE