This programme contains strong language and adult humour
Good evening. I was going to wear that, but luckily I didn't.
Imagine the embarrassment.
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Yeah, I was going to wear that.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Charlie Brooker. In the news this week -
after weeks of negative press about dubious gifts,
Angela Rayner reluctantly agrees to return some of her free shoes.
LAUGHTER
Ahead of a busy day at a global summit,
Emmanuel Macron undertakes his daily naked yoga routine,
unaware his hotel room curtains are see-through.
LAUGHTER
And as tensions rise in the region,
North Korea unveils state-of-the-art new measures
to stop people crossing the border.
LAUGHTER
On Ian's team tonight is an artist
who's famous for his teddy bear sidekick Alan Measles,
although he's thinking of replacing him
with the more up-to-date companion Malcolm Monkeypox.
Please welcome Grayson Perry.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on Paul's team tonight is a comedian whose dad owned a sex shop.
It never affected her life until that traumatic ninth birthday
when she asked for a rabbit. Please welcome Angela Barnes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
Paul and Angela, take a look at this. Mm.
Oh, yes, he's been doing that action ever since he was a teenager.
Ah, yeah, Donald Trump, Kamala Harris,
this is the American election coming up.
And that's the Labour leader, Keir Starmer.
Are the Labour volunteers helping with the American election?
Yes, this was... One case with a journalist
who was getting a bit overexcited,
they were saying, the Labour volunteers
have gone over to work on Kamala Harris' campaign
and this might affect our relationship
with a Trump presidency.
As if that was going to be any normal kind of relationship
if, God forbid, he wins. I love this, this idea that...
Aren't they basically just door-knockers and canvassers?
The idea they can make any diff...
Like, if door-knocking worked,
then, for a start, we'd all be Jehovah's Witnesses
with excellent broadband.
Are you not?
It's a manoeuvre to influence the election in favour of the Democrats.
It's been dubbed Operation Zero Difference.
And also Trump made this an issue.
The week that 100 sort of Labour volunteers coming over,
this is the same week that Elon Musk is offering £1 million
to any voter. It's essentially an enormous bribe to the electorate.
So Trump is saying, "What about these volunteers from Britain?
"They're going to make all the difference." You enter a lottery
by signing a petition supporting Trump. There's a bit of a loophole.
Yes. And you have to be registered to vote in a swing state,
and then you get entry to a prize draw to win $1 million.
He's doing this every day... Yeah. ..until the election.
Do you know who I feel for with this story?
I think of poor old Stormy Daniels sitting at home watching this.
Going, "They just have to sign a petition and they get $1 million?
"I only got 130,000. You don't want to know what I had to do."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
The Republicans have made an official complaint... Yeah.
..about what they're saying is Labour interference.
They called it...
Starmer the far left? He must be so flattered!
All those Corbynites turning in their graves.
I mean, compared to American politicians,
he is far-left, though, isn't he?
I mean, their left is, kind of, what?
Middle of the Tory party.
Yeah, sort of Rishi Sunak.
LAUGHTER
To be fair to them, there is a bit of an unfortunate tradition
of the British left trying to influence the US election.
Oh, The Guardian newspaper. I can't remember which election it was now.
A few years back. It was. In 2004.
The Guardian ran a letter-writing campaign
encouraging Guardian readers to write letters to individuals
in US swing states. Yes. They said things like this...
And...
LAUGHTER
Might as well have opened with, "Dear Stupid Yank..."
And in America, they're making the same mistake again, you know,
it's the left patronising the centre states, and they're...
That's why Trump's going to win.
How do you think the Americans responded?
They voted the other way.
Yeah, but they actually responded personally to the letters.
Oh, right.
They were very angry. They were not delighted. They said things like...
To be fair, they've got a point.
It's a bit like a cowboy turning up at your house
to tell you to vote Lib Dem. LAUGHTER
They also wrote back to say...
LAUGHTER
In the end, of course, the joke was on America,
and John Kelly won and he was a tremendous success,
and he served two successive terms
as President of Cloud Fucking Cuckoo Land.
LAUGHTER
Do you know who else has been complaining? Is it our Nige?
Our... He might be YOUR Nige. Yeah.
Farage himself has lobbied for Trump,
and there's some question
over whether Farage's plane tickets over there
contravened the law about foreign intervention.
So there is some suggestion that Farage himself
might be hypocritical, which is difficult to believe.
LAUGHTER
The Conversative Party, I mean,
have frequently sent over volunteers.
John Major sent over people to help George Bush get in.
I mean, there is a tradition of doing this.
It's just when the Labour Party do it, Trump turns it into an issue
cos he's worried about his actual interference with the election
on the side. Do they ever send people over here?
Yeah, they're Mormons.
LAUGHTER
Trump's longest-serving Chief of Staff, John F Kelledy...
John F Kennedy? LAUGHTER
Breaking news. Blimey. What a comeback. Yeah.
I knew someone had got shot at a rally.
John Kelly was his ex-Chief of Staff during the last time he was...
Or during the FIRST time he was President,
or during the ONLY time he was President,
depending on when this goes out on Dave channel.
LAUGHTER
He said, essentially, that Donald Trump is a fascist
and that he was always sort of saying Hitler was good,
and he did lots of good things. I don't think that's fair.
I think there's obvious differences...
I mean, I don't think Trump can paint.
LAUGHTER
John Kelly called him a fascist. Yes.
Technically, he's a fascist. Yeah. Good to have that cleared up. Yeah.
Cos no-one had spotted that.
I think it was the bit about rounding up your opponents,
using the military and you thought,
"Yeah, that's very left-wing. Oh, no, it isn't!" Well, it can be.
But they join up round the back, don't they,
the extreme left and the extreme right?
They join up round the back? They join up round the back.
You know, if you've got the extremes,
they're as bad as each other, at the ends.
Centrist dads like me...
You're an average centrist dad? I am.
Nowadays, yeah. I mean, this is an average fashionable look.
I see you've just come back from a funeral.
LAUGHTER
Shall we move on to Kamala Harris? Yes. Yes.
Despite raising millions of dollars
and making a slew of media appearances,
what's she failing to do?
Shift the opinion polls. There was a very cheering poll, though,
that said that only about a quarter of America
think there'll be civil war. Yes.
Trump has been improving in the polls,
but getting his voters out
is perceived to be one of his main weaknesses.
How has he been trying to get people to turn out for him?
It's not working at McDonald's, is it? We're coming to that. Oh, OK.
I'll save that bit then. LAUGHTER
He's been appearing on lots of, sort of, incel websites. Yes,
and working at McDonald's as well.
Too early. We're coming to that. Oh, we're coming to that.
I'll give you a nod. Give me a nod. I'll give you a nod. OK, yeah,
I'll watch out for that. Yeah, one of the things that's interesting
about the US election and across Europe as well
is the, kind of, gender divide now.
You're close to what he's been trying to do.
It's something to do with gender.
He's been appealing to his female base. He said in one speech...
LAUGHTER
So, Paul. Yes. What do you think Trump might have done this week
to appear like a man of the people?
He's been working at Burger King.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I think he's hired the whole store for a weekend.
Those people aren't real, they're full of actors,
and then Trump goes and does cosplay.
It's such a convoluted thing, isn't it?
He's kind of hiring people so he can appear authentic.
LAUGHTER It's like a weird, kind of...
It's like an art installation. It is, yeah.
Would you like to see him at work? Yes, please.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Look at all the thank yous.
Hello, everybody.
You can't fake this, right?
And you know this is compliments of Trump, OK?
Yes, thank you. Mr President? Yes? Please don't let the United States
become Brazil, my native Brazil. We'll keep it good. Please.
Please, please. We're going to make it better than ever, OK?
Thank you. Thank you very much. It was a pleasure, Mr President.
Compliments of Trump. Yes.
Thank you, Mr President. Nice to see you.
You made it possible for ordinary people like us to meet you.
Oh, you're not ordinary. I mean, thank you so much.
LAUGHTER IN STUDIO
I pray for you.
Yeah, I don't know if you could tell, but that was staged.
LAUGHTER
He's doing it out of fury. Oh, cos she worked at McDonald's.
Yeah, Kamala Harris said she worked in a McDonald's, and he said,
"I don't believe you." Yeah. And then the Republicans said,
"OK, if you worked there when you were 20,
"where's the invoices? Where's the receipts?"
From 30 years ago, a part-time job.
And she said, "I don't have them."
And they said, "Aha, you're lying."
I think it's nice to see that McDonald's does give opportunities
to convicted felons.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Trump, during his shift, he praised the kitchens as very clean.
Do you know what happened the next day?
Er, they were closed down by the health inspector?
Funnily enough, McDonald's US suffered a serious E. coli outbreak
and had to withdraw some burgers from sale.
Shall we have a quick quiz to see who here is a man of the people?
Yeah, sure. OK.
Which of you is most in touch with everyday Britons?
OK, if I went to McDonald's... Yes. ..and I ordered
a double cheeseburger with medium fries,
a large Coke Zero and an Oreo McFlurry,
what would it cost me? BUZZER
I have never been in a McDonald's in my entire life. So I'm...
APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
So...
I'd like to opt out of this quiz.
£6.80.
Is the right answer.
No, it's not?
Can't be.
£4.19.
No, it's probably £10.46.
About seven quid.
No, actually, the answer... I've got no idea.
LAUGHTER
I'm in TV, so I only eat at posh dinner parties.
But if there are any plebs watching, please write in.
And do tell us, if you can afford a stamp, however much they cost.
While Kamala has been denouncing Trump as a fascist at her events,
what important issue has been on Trump's mind?
Oh, is this the size of Arnold Palmer's...manhood?
Funnily enough, yes.
Arnold Palmer, deceased golfing legend. Mm.
He's of great interest to Donald Trump.
Do you want to see what he said at a rally the other day? Yeah.
This is a guy that was all man.
This man was strong and tough.
And I refuse to say it, but when...he took showers
with the other pros, they came outta there, they said, "Oh, my God."
CROWD LAUGHS
"That's unbelievable." I had to say it.
Are we sure he had a big penis
or did it just look big in Donald Trump's tiny hand?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
The story doesn't even make any sense anyway,
like all the golfers showering together, I mean,
golfers don't all finish a round of golf at the same time.
LAUGHTER You know?
APPLAUSE
While this has been going on with Trump,
what has Vladimir Putin been up to?
He's been organising a conference. Yeah.
He's been organising a slightly scary conference.
Yeah, it was an axis of evil event.
Was that...? That wasn't the official title, was it?
No, it was... Is it the Brics conference? Yeah.
Cos everybody's shitting one. Um...
Brics, which stands for Brazil, Russia, India,
China and South Africa. Yes.
It's a shame Brazil joined and not Portugal.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
This is the Trump campaign's accusation that Labour is
interfering in the US presidential election.
100 Labour Party activists are heading to America
intent on swinging the election for the Democrats,
although they'll spend the first week
desperately trying to find somewhere in Alabama
that serves quinoa salad.
Reacting to the news, a spokesperson for Trump said...
Starting with the defeat at the Battle of Yorktown
all the way up to James Corden's chat show.
LAUGHTER
Ian and Grayson, take a look at this.
OK, that's Keir in the call centre. "Your call's important to us."
They've given her control of Keir.
LAUGHTER
There's the Wes-ter.
Basically, because everything is falling apart,
there's no money to fix it,
so would you like to play a fun little game instead?
Yeah, sure. Of course we would. What's the game?
Is it called Have I Got News For You?
LAUGHTER
In honour of Labour's attempts to fix, change
or otherwise patch up the country,
we're playing a little game called Back, Sacked Or Cracked?
LAUGHTER
JAUNTY JINGLE
Basically, I show you a picture and I want you to tell me what it is
and whether it's come back, getting sacked or is totally cracked.
Fingers on buzzers. Yes. Yes. Here's your first one. What's this?
BELL
Is this the NHS?
I think it's backed, though, the NHS.
It's, actually, it's cracked.
It's cracked, it's well and truly cracked.
Health Secretary Wes Streeting has got a big idea to fix the NHS,
and do you know what it is?
He said he's found a way to stop the cracks showing in the NHS.
Is that to sew up the backs of those gowns?
LAUGHTER That's a brilliant suggestion.
Um... It's the consultation. Yes.
And, of course, the public have responded
in their usual glorious British way
by suggesting things like every hospital should have a Wetherspoons.
LAUGHTER
Do you know some of the other things that the public suggested?
This is on a website, basically.
They suggested that ambulances didn't have an alarm
but they had Danny Dyer shouting.
"Out the way! Eat less chips, ya fat bastard!"
LAUGHTER
They include...
LAUGHTER
Which I thought had already happened.
LAUGHTER
Can you think of any other ways to improve the nation's health?
Pay junior doctors a decent whack? I read somewhere that junior doctors
get paid less than an IT graduate.
And you can't just turn a life support machine on and off again.
I used to be a nurse, and I know I wasn't a good nurse,
cos when that pandemic happened in 2020,
not one of my nurse friends suggested I go back to it.
LAUGHTER
While we're on health... Yes?
..have a look at this picture. Tell me what this is.
Is that Britain's gold reserves?
LAUGHTER
Scurvy. Ah. It's back. It's back.
Yeah. There were 171 cases reported in the NHS last year.
I'm more excited about scurvy coming back than Oasis.
LAUGHTER
Next, what is this?
Is this back, sacked or cracked?
This is the water companies, is it?
Yeah, I'm assuming it's cracked.
Definitely. It's the country's water pipe infrastructure.
Yeah. Yes. And there's also a very specific problem with it.
It's something that affects IQ levels.
Lead? It is lead.
One of the big problems with our water supply
is the amount of lead piping still in use. Hmm.
There are over five million lead pipes still in use.
Back in 1969, water companies pledged
to get rid of all lead piping by the year 2050.
Based on their current rate,
when do you think they will finish that job?
3006.
Is it never?
Paul was eerily close.
It's actually the year 3273 AD.
LAUGHTER AND GROANS
They haven't even got round
to replacing the lead pipe in Cluedo yet, and that's tiny.
LAUGHTER
Next bit of Back, Sacked Or Cracked? Yes, go on. OK. Take a look at this.
BUZZER
This is Porridge, the sitcom.
Ronnie Barker, Fulton Mackay, Richard Beckinsale.
They're letting prisoners out early
to make more room for prisoners to go into prison.
You are right, this is the over 1,000 convicted criminals
who are back on the streets this week
after having their sentences cut short to free up space.
The papers and the photographers are now outside prisons
just waiting for early release day.
Wasn't there a guy who sort of posed with a Bentley? Yeah.
And there was a guy who was picked up in a Lamborghini.
It's a kind of prom...
LAUGHTER
It IS a happy day.
Yeah. One of them said thank you to Keir Starmer
for letting him out early.
He did. Would you want to see a picture of him? Yeah, certainly do.
You want to see a picture of him? Here he is. Look, erm...
There he is.
Daniel Dowling-Brooks.
He told journalists...
And he added...
Yeah.
Would have said more than that, but his sentence got cut short.
GROANING
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
Very good.
There's a moth flying around. Yeah.
I think it's jumped out of the script.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Oh!
Your final Back, Sacked or Cracked?
BUZZER
Sacked, hopefully.
It's a trick question, this.
Did he have a back, sack and crack? LAUGHTER
It's a trick question, cos he is all three.
Most people think he's cracked.
He was also sacked by his constituents.
But now he's back.
Do you know why he's back?
Is it because it's Halloween next week?
He's back on his own reality show. Ha-ha!
Here's a glimpse of it. Have a look.
There you go.
Sort of like a 1920s Gogglebox. LAUGHTER
Nice to see he sits on his own sofa
in the same way he sits on the benches in the House of Commons -
like his ventriloquist has gone for a piss.
LAUGHTER
Do you know what it's called?
At Home with the Rees-Moggs.
Nearly. It's Meet the Rees-Moggs.
Oh, MEET the Rees-Moggs.
Should have called it Countryfile.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
This is the news that the Government has unveiled a key plank
of its NHS strategy.
He's called Wes Streeting. LAUGHTER
One major part of the Government's health policy is for the NHS
to introduce a digital approach -
something the Royal College of Proctologists
has been practising for years.
More than 1,000 prisoners have been released early
because of overcrowding.
One was asked if he'd be celebrating with a wild night
of drink, drugs and casual sex.
He replied, "I've had enough of that inside for the last four years."
LAUGHTER
So to Round 2, the Picture-Spin Quiz.
Fingers on buzzers again, everyone.
BUZZER
Ah, yes, King Charles, Queen Camilla have been in Australia,
as is indicated by them coming down the steps.
There's been some demonstrations
by Aboriginal spokespeople who, quite rightly,
have got a lot to complain about.
Yeah. So there's a big talk about whether Australia
should become a republic. You're absolutely right.
This is Indigenous Australian Senator Lidia Thorpe.
Yes. She heckled the King
during a reception at Parliament House in Canberra.
She shouted...
I think they've already done that. LAUGHTER
He said, "Oh, have you come far?"
LAUGHTER
Someone else didn't give the King the warmest welcome.
Yeah, the senators, the regional heads didn't turn up.
That may well be true. Yes.
I'm only aware of a reality that exists printed on these cards.
Fine. Outside of that, my knowledge is hazy.
Yeah, well, forget it. LAUGHTER
That might be true. Someone else didn't give...
Someone not human. Kangaroo.
Wallaby.
You're really stereotyping Australia here.
No, that's where kangaroos and wallabies are from.
Wallabies are wannabe kangaroos.
It was an alpaca. An alpaca?
An alpaca wearing a crown. Yes. Which sneezed on him.
Do you want to see it? Yeah, go on, then. Have a look.
INDISTINCT CHATTER
ALPACA SNEEZES
LAUGHTER IN STUDIO
Is that a real alpaca or is it Bernie Clifton?
LAUGHTER
What did one woman outside a church in Sydney do to welcome him?
Did they dance together?
She played the flute. Ah.
She played the flute at him.
What was particularly impressive about the performance?
She didn't put it in her mouth.
LAUGHTER
What was impressive was that she'd only learned how to play
God Save The King that very morning.
Ah. Do you want to have a look? Yeah, go on, then.
PLAYS GOD SAVE THE KING
We could hear it inside the church.
OK. Straight over...
She's wonderful!
Didn't bother to learn the second half. No.
What other festivities
did the Australians lay on for the royal couple?
There's always a big dinner, but it can't be that... Oh, barbecue.
Barbecue?
And then the King did stuff with sausages.
That's his hands, Ian. LAUGHTER
Charles and Camilla experienced a sausage sizzle.
Would you want to see their... Yes. ..sausage sizzle? Yes.
We can't imagine what it would look like.
LAUGHTER There you go.
Did you ever meet Arnold Palmer?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
This is the royal visit to Australia, where Charles
was heckled and sworn at by an Australian senator,
Prime Minister Anthony Albanese said her behaviour was
"not of the standard Australians expect".
Because she was sober and didn't punch him.
LAUGHTER
In a speech to Parliament, Charles reminisced about an earlier visit
to Australia when he had to contend with brown snakes, spiders
and eating unmentionable parts of a bull,
after which Ant and Dec gave him three stars for camp.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER
Yes, this is clearly the...
Well, the photo tells us all, really, the Photoshop.
A sheep has clearly been producing some art.
Are you telling me that's photoshopped?!
Well, I don't think that beret looks real.
LAUGHTER
Some artwork has been created by a sheep.
I very much doubt that it's used those two brushes
that it's got on the floor there.
Have you seen this story? No.
There's always an animal doing art whenever I come on.
This is the news that a sheep in South Africa has learned to paint.
Would you like to see it? It hasn't learned to paint!
It's a lie.
It just hasn't, though, has it?
Do you want to see it? Go on, let's have a look. Yeah.
There he is.
Are we looking for sheep-based painters puns here?
Ram-brandt, is that one of them that you've got written down?
You... Nearly. Nearly?
He's called Baanksy.
LOUD GROANS
Although the Daily Star preferred to call him...
That's dreadful. Ram-brandt was better.
Would you like to see...?
No, I don't think we do, actually.
Here you go. What's this?
What's he painted here?
Feeding Time.
Is it a self-portrait?
It IS an animal.
It isn't.
It's a rhino.
It's a warthog.
Close, obviously. How do you know it's a warthog?
Did they ask the sheep?
Can you identify this animal that Baanksy has painted?
Yeah, it's an aardvark. LAUGHTER
That's a rooster. It's a pelican. It's not.
Of course.
Those two were really difficult, to be fair.
Do you want an easy one? Yeah, give us one that we can easily guess.
An easy one to finish off. Go on, then.
OK. What's this?
LAUGHTER
That's a jellyfish, obviously.
African dung beetle.
LAUGHTER
Well, it's shit.
I can't tell you on how many levels this is depressing.
LAUGHTER
What does Baanksy's owner, Joanne Lefson,
have to say about his talents? They're nonexistent.
LAUGHTER
She says...
Just the rest of us are.
Do you know how Baanksy learnt his craft?
Did he do the foundation course
and then a couple of years at the Courtauld?
He learnt from the best,
because he grew up with a pig painting prodigy, Pigcasso.
Isn't it amazing that the same owner has managed to rear two animals
that can paint?
It makes you understand the history of art, really, doesn't it?
Yeah. Renaissance Florence...
Yeah. You know, Paris in the turn of the century.
This...farmyard. Yeah. LAUGHTER
Surely the pig should be called Francis Bacon!
APPLAUSE
Do you want to know...? No!
We've exhausted this story.
Nearly. Nearly.
I've got some final dregs to squeeze out. Go on, then.
One day, according to owner Joanne,
the sheep picked up a paintbrush in his stall
and started painting.
What was a paintbrush doing in its stall?
Yeah, with paint on it. Yeah. And a canvas.
And the owner holding it, rubbing it against its face.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Do you know where Pigcasso is these days?
Yeah...In a sandwich.
LAUGHTER
Here he is.
This is a sheep in South Africa,
who, it says here, can paint.
Here's the sheep with one of its paintings.
I'd like to think one day we'll see that hanging somewhere,
for about six days until it's nice and gamey.
LAUGHTER Fingers on buzzers again.
BUZZER
These are the guys who have met in a pub every Thursday
for 56 years, I think it was. So, a bunch of blokes
that meet up every Thursday for 56 years. Yeah.
Have you got any idea what that might be like?
Erm... LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I don't know, because today's Friday.
LAUGHTER
Sorry, I was breaking the illusion there, wasn't I?
Yeah, you were breaking the illusion. This is live.
LAUGHTER
That's them now. That's them today.
Do you want to see them back in the day?
I think so. There they are, many years ago.
I see one of them used to be a woman.
LAUGHTER
According to the BBC, in the intervening years,
they've had...
Still putting them narrowly behind Boris Johnson.
LAUGHTER
I think it's a testament to the life-giving elixir that is beer.
LAUGHTER
Is it life-giving, though?
LAUGHTER
Five of them are vampires,
because only one of them is showing a reflection
in the mirror behind them.
LAUGHTER
That's a worry.
They're the undead!
What do you think they talk about when they meet up?
They probably do the organ recital, like all old people do.
The what?! The organ recital.
You know, like, "How are you?" "Well, me stomach's a bit..."
LAUGHTER
They were interviewed about what their secret is. Yeah.
Is it that five of them sleep in coffins
filled with the earth from Transylvania?
Not to my knowledge, no. They were asked on BBC Radio Sheffield
about the importance of men opening up
for the sake of their mental health. This is what they said.
LAUGHTER
It's the most Yorkshire thing I've ever seen.
LAUGHTER
This is the story about a group of men
who've been meeting every Thursday night
for the past 56 years.
The elderly gents meet in a pub in picturesque rural Yorkshire,
though obviosuly they need to leave promptly
if they want to catch the last tin bath down the hill.
LAUGHTER
You're going to have to say that all again in my ear.
"You're sacked."
Gotcha. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.
OK, OK. Time now...
Time now... Time now!
LAUGHTER
Time nooow!
Why have you started talking like that?
Talking like what?! That's how I talk! "Time nooow!"
We've been coming here for 56 years. "Time nooow."
You know you've made me super self-conscious.
Yeah. Well, don't be super self-conscious,
just don't go "time nooow".
CLEARS THROAT
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
OK.
LAUGHTER
Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
Just one between you this week.
HIGH-Here you go.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Was that all right?
They are Donald Trump, David James,
King Conker, again,
and the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
BUZZER
Now, David James was in the news cos he was at the Liverpool game,
he used to be a Liverpool goalkeeper, I think.
During half-time, they had some entertainment
where a small boy, child, was taking penalties against him.
But he didn't... He saved them.
The conker man, I think his opponent was much younger than him -
the person that he beat in the world championships of the conker.
A perfectly legitimate conker that was no way, in any way,
was considered controversial
once it was proved that it was a genuine conker,
and not made by British Leyland.
LAUGHTER
He did have steel conker, he just didn't use it.
It's about making kids cry.
Cos he made the children who took the penalties -
they didn't get them and they cried.
And Donald Trump shouted at someone in one of his rallies
cos a baby cried. Right.
And the Child Catcher,
who looks like Peter Mandelson but isn't...
LAUGHTER
..and will make that really clear next week, he doesn't...
LAUGHTER ..in any way look like him.
Um...
Do children cry? Yeah.
And so the conker man is the odd one out
because he defeated his opponent fairly and squarely,
and the child, younger person, did not cry.
You're absolutely right.
Yay! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
They have all...
They have all upset children... Yep.
..except King Conker, who really was entertaining kids
with his metal conker. Yeah. Yes.
This was the controvery that rocked the world of sport.
It was rocked.
Do you know what an investigation into King Conker has now concluded?
Cleared him competely. Yeah. Completely innocent.
At the highest level. They got the UN in... Yeah.
LAUGHTER
..and they made it absolutely clear that he's innocent.
He's been cleared of cheating at the World Conker Championships
by using a steel nut he had in his pocket.
A spokesperson for the Championships told The Guardian...
LAUGHTER
So it was a thorough investigation. Excellent.
Now, you alluded to it earlier.
What did former Liverpool and England goalkeeper David James do
to upset a child? Save penalties.
Well, yes. During half-time at the Liverpool v Chelsea game on Sunday,
a young Liverpool fan was given a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
to score a penalty in front of the whole Kop against James,
however, James...
Here it is.
GROANS
Very, very sad. Very, very sad moment.
To be fair to Davd James, he got booed by the crowd,
so he gave the kid a second chance. Here's how that turned out. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
It actually looked like...
He looked like he was trying to miss it
and his foot just caught it at the end.
He was showing off. He thought, "I can get this one with my foot."
LAUGHTER
When I got married in 2009,
one of the special treats we had with the guests was you could
take penalties against Peter Shilton.
It was brilliant. I had a go.
Yeah. Guess what. He saved it?
I missed. LAUGHTER
My wife, Suki, scored. So did Bruce Forsyth.
LAUGHTER
On your wedding night? Yeah... No, not on the wedding night.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
In Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, the Child Catcher is
employed to catch children and imprison them
in the fictional land of Vulgaria.
Or, as it's known in the real world, Luton.
LAUGHTER
You nearly got there. Donald Trump, do you know how he upset a child?
It wasn't the incident you were referring to. Oh, right.
Given that he is a huge baby...
It might be something to do with mowing the lawn.
No, that's something else. That sounds like a dream.
Sorry. Trump mowing the lawn?
No! What was he wearing in this dream?!
Oh, I'm in a studio!
LAUGHTER
Yeah, with some other artists. There's a pig, and...
LAUGHTER ..a number of sheep.
It was actually Christmas-time.
As part of a sort of PR opportunity when he was still President... Yes.
..he took a call from a seven-year-old
who wanted to ask about Santa,
and this is the response... Oh, no.
..Trump gave. No!
GROANS IN STUDIO
GROANS AND LAUGHTER IN STUDIO
I think that's the first time I've ever seen him smiling.
LAUGHTER
Yes, you were right, they've all upset children,
except King Conker,
who really was entertaining kids with his metal conker.
Yeah, that old chestnut.
GROANS AND LAUGHTER
Here is King Conker himself.
Don't worry, his social life doesn't just revolve around conkers -
in his spare time, he goes to his local pub,
kneels on all fours and gets used as a snooker table.
LAUGHTER
Time now for the Missing Words Round, which this week features
as its guest publication Goat Rancher.
Woohoo!
We start with this.
Firemen left red-faced
after mistaking a black bin liner
for puma in tree.
LAUGHTER
This is a brand-new fire station in Germany,
which burnt down when a fire broke out
because it hadn't been fitted with fire alarms to detect the blaze.
"Nein, nein, nein," cried the firemen
as they watched the flames spread.
LAUGHTER
Next...
Counting half-hours.
LAUGHTER With one hour off for lunch.
Yeah.
Eating pork scratchings.
You know what? I should...
I mean, the answer is "eating a bag of crisps".
Is it, really?
Here he is. This is darts player Kevin Mills,
who lives entirely off bread and crisps.
And he once ate...
Which, ironically, comes out at one hundred and eighty...
..thousand calories. LAUGHTER
Next, what could be the most impractical fashion trend ever?
Knee-length hats.
LAUGHTER
See-through scarves.
What's wrong with a see-through scarf?
Do you like the one I'm wearing? LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
The answer is actually...
That's a skirt! LAUGHTER
OK, next. If you what...?
If you impersonate a Spanish goat.
"Are you a goat?" "Si, senor."
LAUGHTER
That's eerily accurate.
Eerily accurate? That's a Spanish goat - "Si, senor."
Is that a Mexican goat? No, it's a Spanish goat. "Si, senor."
It's actually...
I hate to say this, but nobody expects a visit...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
..from the Spanish Goat Police. APPLAUSE
Next...
..after what? Tea brewed by Devil.
LAUGHTER It's...
LAUGHTER
As you do.
Why not Harvest Festival?
LAUGHTER
Bomb disposal experts had to be called
to a church in Manchester this week when a parishioner turned up
with a live shell to show friends.
The live World War I shell was the most explosive thing they've had
in St Paul's Church Withington,
apart from last year's open-house discussion abut gay marriage.
LAUGHTER
Next...
..what? I saw this. It was three minutes.
In the airport. AUDIENCE MEMBER SPEAKS INAUDIBLY
Thank you. You're absolutely right. LAUGHTER
There's an old woman who reads the paper.
New Zealand...
Blimey. Yeah, and it's going to make, you know,
Richard Curtis films very short.
LAUGHTER
Don't they call it the French leave, when you just go?
Yeah. That's a French exit.
French exit, yeah. When you disappear out of a party.
Yeah. Or a war.
LAUGHTER
This is the news that officials...
..officials at an airport in New Zealand
have limited goodbye hugs to just three minutes
to reduce congestion in the drop-off zone.
Do you want to see the sign they put up? Yes, please.
Here it is.
As you can see there, it says...
LAUGHTER
So they're encouraging dogging, basically.
Yeah, exactly. Exactly.
Next...
..what?Is it that has 12 pictures of Arnold Palmer
in tight trousers? LAUGHTER
By creating a calendar that has a goat
illustrating every month of the year.
More exciting than that.
Two goats illustrating every month of the year.
It's actually...
GROANS
Here is Stuart Atkinson with his motorway calendar.
LAUGHTER
It's clearly brought him joy, hasn't it?
LAUGHTER
He was inspired, apparently, to create his M60 calendar
after noticing the British tradition of silly calendars,
including...
Yes. I think he's provided one item
that is going to feature heavily in that.
LAUGHTER Finally...
By what?
By making it an Admiral of the Fleet.
Was it "by text"?
LAUGHTER
Ian, you were surprisingly close.
King Charles complimented a goat in Guernsey by...
And what was that? Is it Baroness Mone?
GROANS
LAUGHTER
Entirely innocent.
LAUGHTER
Here is the King honouring the rare goat
on a recent trip to the Channel Islands.
Do you think that cheapens your knighthood, Sir Grayson? Well, no.
I mean, if they can be artists, then they can be knights as well.
Fine.
Who'd you get a knighthood off? Which government?
The Tory government.
LAUGHTER
I'm a crossbench sir.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
It's time up, and the final scores are -
Ian and Grayson have 5,
but Paul and Angela have 7.
Well done. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
However, before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
Ian and Grayson have this.
Goat-themed Extinction Rebellion tea.
That's what I call a stag do!
LAUGHTER
Tory members convene for last vote.
LAUGHTER
Paul and Angela get this.
We must never say what happened to Gerald.
LAUGHTER
On that note, we say thank you to our panellists,
Ian Hislop and Sir Grayson Perry, Paul Merton and Angela Barnes.
And I leave you with news that, at a literary festival in Essex,
there's a world first as a book loses all of its value
the instant its author signs it.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
After two years on an NHS waiting list,
one man looks for an alternative way to cure his constipation.
LAUGHTER AND GROANS
And in Florida, Donald Trump gets Melania to help him
with his Halloween costume.
LAUGHTER
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE