This program me contains some strong language.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Alex Horne.
In the news this week, after eating up all his mushroom soup,
someone tellsjoe Biden it's sponge pudding and custard for afters.
LAUGHTER
After shrugging off the post-Brexit lack
of European funding, Britain's National Space Agency
proudly unveils its own Hadron Collider.
LAUGHTER
And at the Festival Hall, one of the nominees admits he didn't
even know there was a Cock of the Year award.
LAUGHTER
On Ian's team tonight is a controversial broadcaster who's
written a book about how to bring down the current government,
and says she's on a mission to get rid of as many Tory MPs as possible.
Relax, I think Rishi's got that covered.
Please welcome Carol Vorderman!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
On Paul's team tonight is a comedian who's the host of...
Sorry, I'll say it again, jack, I'm so sorry.
Not so easy when you've got the task, is it?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Quite right.
Fair enough.
On Paul's team tonight is a comedian who is the host
of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, and that's a radio show,
by the way, not that seven-way debate you've just seen.
Please welcome jack Dee!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
Ian and Carol, here's yours.
Urghg
That's the new series of The Apprentice.
Oh, yes, it is.
Yeah, someone's bricking it!
why, why, why?
What is that?
That's come out of the Thames.
Have they finished?
Oh, thank goodness.
Well, there's a friendly handshake after what was not
very friendly at all.
It was very tetchy.
Very tetchy.
Very shouty!
Very, yes.
Yes.
Very shouty.
But their argument was about when he was banging
on about the £2,000 - supposed £2,000.
Yeah, this is the big issue.
Sunak kept saying, "Under Labour you'll pay 2,000 more.
"These are figures that I've come up with."
Yeah, no, I think he actually said, "Independently verified."
Which they weren't.
No, they weren't, no.
No, Conservative special advisers had given them to civil servants.
Yes.
And, amazingly, they'd come up with this figure of £2,000.
Which turned out very shortly not to be true.
Isn't that amazing?
It was The Spectator, and this is a right wing paper,
saying, "Well, under the same system, under the Conservative plans
"you'd be paying £3,000."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'd like to go into the business of independently verifying things.
Yes.
They can call me up, "Can you independently verify
this £2,000 figure?"
I say, "I'll get back to you."
Then, "Yes, yes, I can verify that."
Ancl then send the invoice in.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Again, they do make it very easy because the big thing,
"Under Labour you'll pay £2,000 more next year," and then a number
of journalists pointed out, since this government started,
the tax increase for everyone has been 13,000.
So, hey, we're 11,000 up!
It's always difficult for a government that's been
in power for ten years or more with a big majority, saying,
"This is what we're going to do."
Well, why haven't you done it?
APPLAUSE
It's not going to get any better for them, though, is it?
I think - this is my prediction - that they will come
third to the Lib Dems.
That's what I think.
Ooh!
That was a good noise, wasn't it?
It's like the sort of noise you used to get on 1970's quiz shows
when the curtains parted and there'd be a caravan.
"Ooh!" be a caravan.
It's a hell of a prize, though. be a caravan.
Yeah. be a caravan.
Especially if you didn't own a car. be a caravan.
LAUGHTER be a caravan.
Carol, I've got a question for you. be a caravan.
How can waiting lists be going down when they're higher
than they were two years ago?
It's quite a mathematical conundrum.
So, Rishi Sunak said waiting lists are going down
and Keir Starmer said, "No, they've gone up since you said
they were going to go down."
Ancl Rishi Sunak said, "They've gone down from when they were even
higher than that!"
What?!
Incredibly, incredibly.
That's exactly what he said.
We are now making progress, the waiting lists are coming down.
But what Keir Starmer didn't mention to you...
Hang on, hang on...
The waiting lists were 7.2 million, they're now 7.5 million.
He says they're coming down and the guy says he's good at maths.
Yeah, they are now coming down.
They are now coming down.
7.2 when you said you get them down, 7.2 million,
they're now 7.5 million.
I'd like you to explain how they're coming down.
Because they were coming down from where they were
when they were higher.
They are down.
LAUGHTER
I think the same's true of the polls.
Did anyone learn what Keir Starmer's dad did for a living?
I think he's never mentioned it.
It's kept a very tight secret.
He's never said anything about that.
So no-one knows, actually.
We did track down some secret footage...
Really?
...of Keir Starmer finally admitting what his dad does.
Here we go.
My clad was a toolmaker, so he went down the skills route.
My clad worked in a factory.
He was a toolmaker.
My clad was a toolmaker.
My clad, by contrast, was a toolmaker.
My clad was a toolmaker.
My dad...was a toolmaker.
Has no-one ever heckled him?
Said, "Well, he made you, didn't he?"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Who might lose their seat?
Do you know?
Someone gave a whole list, and I know they fingered...
No, careful.
Careful.
...mentioned Grant Shapps.
Yeah.
Yes.
That was the one...
I've got Jeremy Hunt on my list.
I've got...
Yeah, Jacob Rees-Mogg.
Not on my list, but...
What?!
No.
I can write it.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, he's there.
Rees-Mogg's there.
APPLAUSE
What about Diane Abbott?
Did she or didn't she?
She is, she's going to stand.
Yeah.
She has thwarted the Labour leadership
and decided she will stand.
Yes.
One leading left-winger told The Telegraph...
LAUGHTER
I've been told she's been accepted back into the party
after Angela Rayner bullied Keir Starmer into it.
I'm going to show you a clip of Angela Rayner boasting to a Sky
reporter about her election plans.
So you've got your own battle bus?
I've got a battle bus.
An Angie Rayner battle bus is about to be unleashed?
I have got an Angie Rayner battle bus.
Yes.
Wow.
You're going to love it.
I'm coming on it.
It's got a fridge.
LAUGHTER
It's a very different interviewing style, isn't it?
Mm.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
JACK: They do look like they're on their second
bottle of wine there...
"Yeah, I've got my own bus.
"|t's got a fridge."
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
"I'll tell you another thing..."
LAUGHTER
"Anyone got a cigarette?"
What has Ed Davey been up to?
He announced a policy about social care this week,
which is rather good.
I haven't got anything about his policy.
Has he stopped doing silly stunts?
Has he stopped doing those?
Not at all.
No, he hasn't?
Not at all.
One specific thing, he's had a huge amount of fun
with an outdoorjenga set.
Yes!
Here he comes.
Are you looking forward to today's event?
Ah, you have a prop for us.
What have you got for us today?
Well, it's going to be blue and it's going to come down.
We'll come and see in a minute or two.
REPORTER: I mean, it's always fun, isn't it,
it's always fun with Ed Davey.
LAUGHTER
It is always fun...
Not the most convincing of slogans.
"|t's always fun with Ed Davey."
Yeah.
Well, I've got a list of videos that the Have I Got News For You
archivist has logged this week.
This is a genuine list.
OK.
He's been walking about in trunks.
He's been on a water slide with a woman,
with a man, on a boogie board.
He's been smiling.
He's got his head through an inflatable.
He's baked in a chef's hat.
He's tried cake icing, a chef's kiss, whisking,
cuddling Labradors, serving ice cream, walking the gangplank,
putting on life jackets and showing off his cookies.
CAROL: Aw!
JACK: It's ever since he took on that new PR consultant Mr Tumble.
It's not been working well.
I think we need to change tack.
APPLAUSE
This is week two of the general election.
According to some polls, Labour could achieve the biggest
majority since 1924, when Stanley Baldwin
became Prime Minister, helped on the campaign trail
by the uplifting anthem by Elgar, Things Will Surely Improve Somewhat.
LAUGHTER
Talking about how his parents struggled to pay the bills,
Keir Starmer reflected on how his...
How sad - it wasn't cut off, Keir.
It's just no-one phoned you.
One poll suggests Labour could end up with a...
Don't worry, Rishi, it probably wasn't a very big sample.
Oh, no, hang on.
According to The Sunday Times, it was...
AMPLIFIED: ..a mega poll!
LAUGHTER
Paul and jack...
Yeah.
...here's yours.
He's still not got that salute right, has he?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
There he is having a pint of beer and having a good old laugh.
Somebody throwing a banana milkshake over him.
Yes, he's one of those politicians doing things
to sort of look like, "|'m working class,
you know, I drink beer."
But, interestingly, when people ask him,
"How do you pronounce your name?"
He says, "Well, it's just like, where do you park your car?
"It's pronounced the same way, as in ga-rage."
He said this a few times and somebody said,
"Multistorey car park?"
But anyway, yeah, he's got the publicity that he sought
because he said he wasn't going to, then a week later he did and he's
become the new leader of the party and he stayed in Clacton,
and the seventh attempt, is it, or eighth attempt to become an MP?
Eighth.
Eighth, is it?
Yeah.
He's standing in Clacton.
This is the place, he said, you know, a few weeks ago
when he didn't want to become an MP, he said if he had to
become an MP it would be, you know, far too much work.
And he said, "I don't want to spend every Friday for the next
five years in Clacton."
Yes.
That's flattering, isn't it, to your electorate?
Do you want to see something else that he said that he might not
want to be reminded of?
Yeah, by all means.
This is him doing a Cameo that somebody paid
for him to do for a fan.
Oh.
Happy birthday, Hugh janu5_
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Now, that's unfair to him,
cos you can't see he's looking in a mirror.
LAUGHTER
The specific moment that Nigel decided he'd be
revolting was on Monday at...
He gets really cross.
I mean, you think the others were tetchy -
Farage did a couple of interviews this week, and in all of them
he was just very close to losing it when confronted by reality.
Yeah.
This is him being interviewed on the BBC straight
after the announcement.
Call it a pressure group, call it a party, you are a candidate
to be an MP on a ballot paper...
Yeah, OK, mate.
How many times have you stood?
I haven't, I'm just asking.
How many times have you stood?
What do you know about it?
How many times have you stood?
I'm asking you...
There you go.
...Mr Farage.
I mean, the challenge here is people will say, "Look,
you've tried it before..."
I'll tell you what, ask something intelligent...
...what makes this time any different?
Ask something intelligent and we'll carry on with
the conversation, shall we?
I'm interested in why people should trust you when seven times
previously you didn't manage to do that.
Pass.
No, no, no, n0, n0.
You also...
I think you're very, very boring and I think your viewers...
STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGH
...will find you very boring, and you ought to do rather better
as the state broadcaster, in my view.
ALEX: Yeah.
Wow.
This is a man who doesn't really understand democracy.
Thing is, YOU'RE wanting to stand, YOU have to answer the questions.
You're not allowed to say "pass" or "you're very boring."
He's just pure Trump, isn't he?
He just thinks, "I'll just call everyone boring, make stuff up."
Farage's one policy - "We're having net zero immigration."
The first time he's asked about it in a proper
interview and they say, "Well, shall we have the following
skilled workers in?"
He says, "Yeah, we'll have them.
We'll have them.
II
600,000.
So that's not zero, is it, Nigel?
Well, Carol will be able to tell you that.
LAUGHTER
It's lower than if it were higher in the first place.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE
So I think you mentioned it, but where is Nigel going?
Clacton!
Yes, Clacton.
And BBC rules in this election period mean we have to list
all the candidates standing in that constituency.
So you'll see them on the bottom of the screen right now.
So on his first day on the campaign trail in Clacton, Nigel Farage went
into a Wetherspoons.
According to The Times, he was greeted with shouts of...
Because we've mentioned Wetherspoons, here's a complete list
of all the other public houses available in the Clacton
constituency.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Nigel Farage also asked people
in the Moon 8; Starfish Wetherspoons...
To which one man at the back shouted...
And that was his campaign manager.
What happened when he left the pub?
He got attacked by a woman throwing a milkshake at him.
Had it been low alcohol beer, he would have
actually disintegrated.
LAUGHTER
So he must be one of the very few people
who's ever been attacked leaving a Wetherspoons.
Takes some doing, doesn't it?
Wetherspoon, that's where he goes, went to drink in Wetherspoon
and where he's fondly known as that old loony leftie.
LAUGHTER
Do you know where he found refuge straight after?
Was it in the arms of a prostitute?
Sorry, sex worker.
They hadn't quite caught on in Clacton.
I don't know who was there with him - it was inside his campaign bus.
Yes, there we are.
He failed to appear on the top deck of his open-top bus as,
according to the Times, he was busy...
Yep.
That's a new name for it in Clacton.
"Will you be wanting a face flannel or is it an all-over body scrub?"
APPLAUSE
Before announcing that he was standing,
where was Nigel Farage spotted accompanied by Labour-defecting,
Conservative-defecting Reform hopeful Lee Anderson?
Was it the new surrealist exhibition at the Tate?
It might be, let's have a look.
It was in this department store.
Yes!
It IS a new surrealist exhibition at the Tate!
Yeah.
Big pants and a massive arse.
APPLAUSE
So this is Nigel Farage's eighth attempt to become an MP.
As Farage left a Clacton Wetherspoons, he was drenched
in banana milkshake in an incident described by local police
as "utterly precedented".
The 25-year-old woman who threw milkshake all over Nigel Farage
is described in the Times as...
And that's a very niche part of the Venn diagram containing
just her and Diane Abbott, weirdly.
I don't know what that means.
Nigel Farage pledged to his supporters that he would stick
to traditional British values.
He, she, they, it said.
Now it's time for two clues to the news, in which I'll be
putting something on my head to musical accompaniment
and you have to guess the story.
Right.
Simple as that.
Paul and jack, you're going to go first.
I might do some acting.
OK, good.
Watch our for that.
Here I come.
HE PLAYS THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER
HE PLAYS jAlLHOUSE ROCK
Thank you, Mark.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Where's he gone?
We don't know.
Ah.
This will be Donald Trump.
I thought it was Louis XIV.
So, yes, Donald Trump has been found guilty on 34 counts.
And the first American president to become a convicted felon but it's
suspected that the independents and the people who haven't
made their mind up are probably going to baulk at the idea of voting
for somebody who could probably be imprisoned by the time
he becomes president.
Yeah, it's the news that Donald Trump is now a convicted felon.
Yeah, I just said that.
Mm.
You didn't say it how the Daily Star said it.
They've got a way with words.
APPLAUSE
Did anybody see that thing when he said,
"I have 34 charges,
"34 - no president has had that many."
To be clear, it's not a good thing, is it, being charged?
Do you think he's going to jail, jack?
He possibly could.
I know that, if he does, he will be permitted a security brief.
He'll have what's known as a ring of steel,
which he'll need in prison, I imagine.
You know in all the films when the new person comes
into the prison, you get all the other prisoners
at their bars going, "Uh, new meat, fresh meat."
Ancl they all come to...
"Ugh."
Isn't there a thing they do every year with the president
on Thanksgiving Day, he has to sort of like
pardon the turkey?
Wouldn't that be funny if he had to do that from his prison cell?
You're free!
34 counts of fraud.
He could get four years in prison for each count.
How long could he get, Carol?
..1 36.
Correct, very good - she's still got it.
As for the Democrats, they're not above the law.
It's quite complicated but do you know whatjoe Biden's son Hunter
is on trial for at the moment?
Yes, it's something to do with a gun, isn't it?
Buying a gun illegally?
I didn't know it was possible to buy a gun illegally in America.
Don't know how he managed to do that.
It was illegal because he lied about a crack cocaine addition while...
Addition?
He was adding up while on crack?
I didn't know that was an offence.
2+2 Wahey!
He bought a gun at a time he was doing crack
every 15 minutes, apparently.
Wow.
You could set your watch by him, apparently.
Yeah.
But in fairness, when he went into the gun shop, he had
two utility bills so, fair enough, he got what he wanted.
And he was only in the gun shop for 11 minutes.
Yeah.
Ancl also, his name is Hunter so, you know.
One more on Trump.
Where was Trump sighted this week?
Was it Clacton?
It's got to be one of those things where somebody's
seen his face in a yoghurt or something, isn't it?
You've done this show before, Paul.
I have, yeah.
It was a steak.
Go on, then.
Here it is.
Yes!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Ian and Carol, here's one for you.
Ready, Mark?
One, two, three.
MARK PLAYS SK8ER BOI
Do you have any idea?
Big story in the news.
You obviously recognise the song, guys.
Yeah, the song was, erm...
That one.
It was Avril Lavigne and...Sk8er Boi, wasn't it?
It was Sk8er Boi and that is because....
Of course, how stupid.
It's the other big news that skateboarding is now a GCSE subject
in Northern Ireland.
Is it?!
No!
Gnarly, isn't it?
What does that mean?
I don't know.
What sort of questions do they ask?
Well, it'll be things that this.
How would you...?
You're on a board, Ian.
Yes.
What are you going to do?
It's in my head, but I'm not going to say it.
You're going to spin the board 180 degrees without the board
leaving the ground.
Why can't it just be a sport?
Why is it on the curriculum?
Concentrate on the exam, Ian.
Who can tell me...
Who can tell me, what is a...?
Is that when you get crucified for leading a new religion?
It sort of is - it's an aerial trick where you pick up the board
and put your arms out to look like Jesus on the cross in midair.
It's what he would have wanted - it looks like this.
JACK: That looks more advanced than GCSE -
that's degree level.
Fingers on buzzers, team, we're going to do one more of these.
OK.
I was hoping there'd be another one.
Yeah!
LAUGHTER
What is this story?
MARK HOLDS NOTE
BUZZER
Yeah, well, it's Alpine horns.
It is Alpine horns.
And they are...?
And they are...
...gathering...?
Gathering, erm...
Gathering dust in a museum.
I'll give you that.
Thank you.
It's the exciting news...
LAUGHTER
...that the UK's largest-ever gathering
of Alex Horne enthusiasts...
...ALPINE horn enthusiasts, has been held in Berkshire.
So, well done for getting that.
Wow.
The largest-ever gathering.
How many people do think attended the Alpine horn, or alphorn...?
42.
It's the largest ever.
Yeah, I think it was about 300, I heard.
No, it was 11.
11?
Double figures.
Yeah.
It doesn't sound like a lot.
Here they all are in one photo.
CAROL: Aw.
Event organiser Frances Jones said...
According to the BBC, that figure is thought to be...
They're 4m long, the Alpine horns.
Are they really?
They are.
Gosh, I'm so glad I knew that.
LAUGHTER
I think we should have a listen to some alphorns being played.
Here we go.
Yeah, go on, then.
GENTLE SONG
Yeah, and...
...said organiser Frances.
Where Hitler had his lair.
Finally, what unusual item did a performer in Glasgow bring
onstage with her this week?
I think she was eating a bag of Wotsits or something.
If you've not been to a pub in Glasgow recently,
have a look at this.
MUSIC: The Whole of the Moon
# I wondered, I guessed, and I tried
# You just knew
# I sighed...#
Well, I think we should have a round of applause - Mr Mark Brown.
APPLAUSE
Well done, Mark.
Time now for the missing words round.
And we start with...
She's married one.
She's had facial reconstruction.
She's married a pigeon!
No...
Yeah.
That's fair enough.
Animal lover Lucy Morris, who keeps pigeons called Rosie
and Fiori in her home - here is the happy
family with their pets.
Have a good look at the daughter there.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Next...
Thief who stole thesaurus tells police: I'm innocent, pure,
unblemished, trustworthy,
honest, not guilty, without sin, blameless.
APPLAUSE
I'll give you the first half.
Yeah.
Once you...
"Once you take one, you can't stop."
Don't say, "Well, 'Once you..."' - I've got it right.
Yeah!
Don't...
I can't give you the points there, jack.
Aw.
This is a proper...
Quiz.
Proper what?!
Quiz, yeah.
Finally...
JACK: Is it BT's please hold the line music?
LAUGHTER
Manchester United fan Ochirvaani Batbold cycled
all the way to Old Trafford from Mongolia in the hope
of meeting his hero Wayne Rooney.
Through 17 countries including...
The worst part of his journey involved barely formed
roads full of potholes, but once you were
through the outskirts of Manchester, it was fine.
We could all join in on that one.
Still good, though.
Yeah, it still works.
So, the final scores, guys.
Oh, no!
I'm afraid, Ian and Carol, you've only got three points
while Paul and jack have twice that with six points!
APPLAUSE
Well done, well done, well done.
And we were told just before the program me,
this has been the 600th recording of the show.
600 shows, we've done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
When was it, 1990 you started?
Yeah, yes, October 1990.
Well, back then the country was in a real state, wasn't it?
Oh, yes.
Well clone, you guys, for sorting that out.
On which note we say thank you to our panel lists,
Ian Hislop and CarolVorderman, Paul Merton and jack Dee.
And I leave you with news that pictures from Rupert Murdoch's fifth
wedding this week reveal a sneak peek of the groom
getting ready for his big day.
LAUGHTER
As cinema attendances continue to fall, Disney take a drastically
different approach to their films with a horror remake
of Mary Poppins.
LAUGHTER
And at a D-Day anniversary event in France,
Lib Dem leader Ed Davey presents a dignified tribute
to the Allied landing forces.
LAUGHTER
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE