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This program me contains
some strong language.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening,
welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Alex Horne.

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In the news this week, after eating
up all his mushroom soup,

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someone tellsjoe Biden it's sponge
pudding and custard for afters.

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LAUGHTER

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After shrugging off
the post-Brexit lack

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of European funding,
Britain's National Space Agency

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proudly unveils its
own Hadron Collider.

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LAUGHTER

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And at the Festival Hall,
one of the nominees admits he didn't

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even know there was
a Cock of the Year award.

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LAUGHTER

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On Ian's team tonight
is a controversial broadcaster who's

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written a book about how to bring
down the current government,

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and says she's on a mission to get
rid of as many Tory MPs as possible.

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Relax, I think Rishi's
got that covered.

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Please welcome Carol Vorderman!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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On Paul's team tonight is a comedian
who's the host of...

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Sorry, I'll say it again,
jack, I'm so sorry.

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Not so easy when you've
got the task, is it?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Quite right.

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Fair enough.

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On Paul's team tonight
is a comedian who is the host

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of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue,
and that's a radio show,

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by the way, not that seven-way
debate you've just seen.

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Please welcome jack Dee!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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We begin with the bigger news
stories of the week.

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Ian and Carol, here's yours.

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Urghg

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That's the new series
of The Apprentice.

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Oh, yes, it is.

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Yeah, someone's bricking it!

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why, why, why?

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What is that?

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That's come out of the Thames.

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Have they finished?

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Oh, thank goodness.

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Well, there's a friendly
handshake after what was not

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very friendly at all.

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It was very tetchy.

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Very tetchy.

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Very shouty!

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Very, yes.

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Yes.

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Very shouty.

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But their argument was
about when he was banging

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on about the £2,000 -
supposed £2,000.

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Yeah, this is the big issue.

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Sunak kept saying, "Under Labour
you'll pay 2,000 more.

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"These are figures that
I've come up with."

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Yeah, no, I think he actually said,
"Independently verified."

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Which they weren't.

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No, they weren't, no.

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No, Conservative special advisers
had given them to civil servants.

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Yes.

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And, amazingly, they'd come up
with this figure of £2,000.

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Which turned out very
shortly not to be true.

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Isn't that amazing?

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It was The Spectator,
and this is a right wing paper,

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saying, "Well, under the same
system, under the Conservative plans

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"you'd be paying £3,000."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I'd like to go into the business
of independently verifying things.

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Yes.

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They can call me up,
"Can you independently verify

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this £2,000 figure?"

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I say, "I'll get back to you."

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Then, "Yes, yes, I can verify that."

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Ancl then send the invoice in.

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Yeah.

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LAUGHTER

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Again, they do make it very
easy because the big thing,

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"Under Labour you'll pay £2,000 more
next year," and then a number

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of journalists pointed out,
since this government started,

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the tax increase for
everyone has been 13,000.

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So, hey, we're 11,000 up!

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It's always difficult
for a government that's been

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in power for ten years or more
with a big majority, saying,

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"This is what we're going to do."

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Well, why haven't you done it?

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APPLAUSE

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It's not going to get any
better for them, though, is it?

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I think - this is my prediction -
that they will come

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third to the Lib Dems.

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That's what I think.

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Ooh!

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That was a good noise, wasn't it?

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It's like the sort of noise you used
to get on 1970's quiz shows

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when the curtains parted and there'd
be a caravan.

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"Ooh!"
be a caravan.

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It's a hell of a prize, though.
be a caravan.

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Yeah.
be a caravan.

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Especially if you didn't own a car.
be a caravan.

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LAUGHTER
be a caravan.

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Carol, I've got a question for you.
be a caravan.

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How can waiting lists be
going down when they're higher

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than they were two years ago?

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It's quite a mathematical conundrum.

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So, Rishi Sunak said waiting
lists are going down

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and Keir Starmer said,
"No, they've gone up since you said

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they were going to go down."

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Ancl Rishi Sunak said, "They've gone
down from when they were even

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higher than that!"

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What?!

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Incredibly, incredibly.

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That's exactly what he said.

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We are now making progress,
the waiting lists are coming down.

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But what Keir Starmer
didn't mention to you...

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Hang on, hang on...

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The waiting lists were 7.2 million,
they're now 7.5 million.

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He says they're coming down
and the guy says he's good at maths.

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Yeah, they are now coming down.

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They are now coming down.

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7.2 when you said you get
them down, 7.2 million,

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they're now 7.5 million.

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I'd like you to explain how
they're coming down.

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Because they were coming down
from where they were

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when they were higher.

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They are down.

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LAUGHTER

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I think the same's
true of the polls.

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Did anyone learn what Keir Starmer's
dad did for a living?

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I think he's never mentioned it.

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It's kept a very tight secret.

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He's never said anything about that.

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So no-one knows, actually.

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We did track down some
secret footage...

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Really?

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...of Keir Starmer finally
admitting what his dad does.

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Here we go.

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My clad was a toolmaker,
so he went down the skills route.

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My clad worked in a factory.

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He was a toolmaker.

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My clad was a toolmaker.

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My clad, by contrast,
was a toolmaker.

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My clad was a toolmaker.

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My dad...was a toolmaker.

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Has no-one ever heckled him?

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Said, "Well, he made
you, didn't he?"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Who might lose their seat?

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Do you know?

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Someone gave a whole list,
and I know they fingered...

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No, careful.

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No, careful.

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Careful.

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...mentioned Grant Shapps.

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Yeah.

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Yes.

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That was the one...

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I've got Jeremy Hunt on my list.

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I've got...

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Yeah, Jacob Rees-Mogg.

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Not on my list, but...

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What?!

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No.

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I can write it.

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LAUGHTER

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Yeah, he's there.

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Rees-Mogg's there.

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APPLAUSE

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What about Diane Abbott?

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Did she or didn't she?

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She is, she's going to stand.

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Yeah.

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She has thwarted
the Labour leadership

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and decided she will stand.

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Yes.

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One leading left-winger
told The Telegraph...

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LAUGHTER

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I've been told she's been
accepted back into the party

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after Angela Rayner bullied
Keir Starmer into it.

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I'm going to show you a clip
of Angela Rayner boasting to a Sky

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reporter about her election plans.

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So you've got your own battle bus?

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I've got a battle bus.

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An Angie Rayner battle bus
is about to be unleashed?

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I have got an Angie
Rayner battle bus.

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Yes.

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Wow.

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You're going to love it.

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I'm coming on it.

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It's got a fridge.

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LAUGHTER

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It's a very different
interviewing style, isn't it?

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Mm.

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Yeah.

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LAUGHTER

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JACK: They do look
like they're on their second

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bottle of wine there...

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"Yeah, I've got my own bus.

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"|t's got a fridge."

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Yeah.

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LAUGHTER

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"I'll tell
you another thing..."

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LAUGHTER

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"Anyone got a cigarette?"

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What has Ed Davey been up to?

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He announced a policy
about social care this week,

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which is rather good.

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I haven't got anything
about his policy.

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Has he stopped doing silly stunts?

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Has he stopped doing those?

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Not at all.

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No, he hasn't?

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Not at all.

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00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:39,415
One specific thing, he's had
a huge amount of fun

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00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:40,615
with an outdoorjenga set.

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Yes!

215
00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:42,735
Here he comes.

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Are you looking forward
to today's event?

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00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:46,095
Ah, you have a prop for us.

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00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:47,775
What have you got for us today?

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00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:50,655
Well, it's going to be blue
and it's going to come down.

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00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:52,815
We'll come and see
in a minute or two.

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REPORTER: I mean, it's
always fun, isn't it,

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00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:56,135
it's always fun with Ed Davey.

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LAUGHTER

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It is always fun...

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00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:01,695
Not the most convincing of slogans.

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00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:03,135
"|t's always fun with Ed Davey."

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00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:04,215
Yeah.

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00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:07,775
Well, I've got a list of videos
that the Have I Got News For You

229
00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:08,975
archivist has logged this week.

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This is a genuine list.

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00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:11,215
OK.

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00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:12,695
He's been walking about in trunks.

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00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:14,855
He's been on a water
slide with a woman,

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00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:16,535
with a man, on a boogie board.

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He's been smiling.

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He's got his head
through an inflatable.

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He's baked in a chef's hat.

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00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:22,615
He's tried cake icing,
a chef's kiss, whisking,

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00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:24,535
cuddling Labradors, serving ice
cream, walking the gangplank,

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00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:26,695
putting on life jackets
and showing off his cookies.

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CAROL: Aw!

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00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:30,815
JACK: It's ever since he took
on that new PR consultant Mr Tumble.

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It's not been working well.

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00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:33,695
I think we need to change tack.

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APPLAUSE

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This is week two
of the general election.

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00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:40,375
According to some polls,
Labour could achieve the biggest

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00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,215
majority since 1924,
when Stanley Baldwin

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00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:44,775
became Prime Minister,
helped on the campaign trail

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00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:49,655
by the uplifting anthem by Elgar,
Things Will Surely Improve Somewhat.

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00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:53,815
LAUGHTER

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00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:56,175
Talking about how his
parents struggled to pay the bills,

253
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,375
Keir Starmer reflected on how his...

254
00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:01,415
How sad - it wasn't cut off, Keir.

255
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:04,735
It's just no-one phoned you.

256
00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:10,175
One poll suggests Labour
could end up with a...

257
00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:12,615
Don't worry, Rishi, it probably
wasn't a very big sample.

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00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:14,215
Oh, no, hang on.

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00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:16,335
According to The Sunday
Times, it was...

260
00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:19,455
AMPLIFIED: ..a mega poll!

261
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:24,535
LAUGHTER

262
00:10:25,560 --> 00:10:26,535
Paul and jack...

263
00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:27,575
Yeah.

264
00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:28,655
...here's yours.

265
00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:30,775
He's still not got that
salute right, has he?

266
00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:36,375
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

267
00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:39,895
There he is having a pint of beer
and having a good old laugh.

268
00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:41,575
Somebody throwing a banana
milkshake over him.

269
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:43,495
Yes, he's one of those
politicians doing things

270
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,415
to sort of look like,
"|'m working class,

271
00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:46,615
you know, I drink beer."

272
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:48,055
But, interestingly,
when people ask him,

273
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:49,495
"How do you pronounce your name?"

274
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:52,375
He says, "Well, it's just like,
where do you park your car?

275
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,295
"It's pronounced the same
way, as in ga-rage."

276
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,455
He said this a few times
and somebody said,

277
00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:57,655
"Multistorey car park?"

278
00:10:57,680 --> 00:11:00,055
But anyway, yeah, he's got
the publicity that he sought

279
00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:03,735
because he said he wasn't going to,
then a week later he did and he's

280
00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:06,655
become the new leader of the party
and he stayed in Clacton,

281
00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:09,735
and the seventh attempt, is it,
or eighth attempt to become an MP?

282
00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:10,775
Eighth.

283
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:11,815
Eighth, is it?

284
00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:12,855
Yeah.

285
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:20,255
He's standing in Clacton.

286
00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:23,295
This is the place, he said,
you know, a few weeks ago

287
00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:26,655
when he didn't want to become an MP,
he said if he had to

288
00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:29,535
become an MP it would be,
you know, far too much work.

289
00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:32,615
And he said, "I don't want to spend
every Friday for the next

290
00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:33,655
five years in Clacton."

291
00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:34,695
Yes.

292
00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:36,415
That's flattering, isn't it,
to your electorate?

293
00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:39,735
Do you want to see something else
that he said that he might not

294
00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:40,935
want to be reminded of?

295
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,015
Yeah, by all means.

296
00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:44,135
This is him doing a Cameo
that somebody paid

297
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:45,815
for him to do for a fan.

298
00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:46,855
Oh.

299
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:47,895
Happy birthday, Hugh janu5_

300
00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:49,135
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

301
00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:50,375
Now, that's unfair to him,

302
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,495
cos you can't
see he's looking in a mirror.

303
00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:53,575
LAUGHTER

304
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:55,455
The specific moment that
Nigel decided he'd be

305
00:11:55,480 --> 00:12:00,615
revolting was on Monday at...

306
00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:04,695
He gets really cross.

307
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:06,855
I mean, you think the
others were tetchy -

308
00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:09,975
Farage did a couple of interviews
this week, and in all of them

309
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:15,775
he was just very close to losing it
when confronted by reality.

310
00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:16,895
Yeah.

311
00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:19,015
This is him being interviewed
on the BBC straight

312
00:12:19,040 --> 00:12:21,535
after the announcement.

313
00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:24,615
Call it a pressure group,
call it a party, you are a candidate

314
00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:26,535
to be an MP on a ballot paper...

315
00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:27,575
Yeah, OK, mate.

316
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:29,015
How many times have you stood?

317
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,215
I haven't, I'm just asking.

318
00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:31,655
How many times have you stood?

319
00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:33,095
What do you know about it?

320
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,535
How many times have you stood?

321
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:35,575
I'm asking you...

322
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:36,615
There you go.

323
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:37,695
...Mr Farage.

324
00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:40,055
I mean, the challenge
here is people will say, "Look,

325
00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:41,135
you've tried it before..."

326
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:42,775
I'll tell you what, ask
something intelligent...

327
00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:44,295
...what makes this
time any different?

328
00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:46,135
Ask something intelligent
and we'll carry on with

329
00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:47,215
the conversation, shall we?

330
00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:49,815
I'm interested in why people should
trust you when seven times

331
00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:51,495
previously you didn't manage
to do that.

332
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:52,535
Pass.

333
00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:53,735
No, no, no, n0, n0.

334
00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:54,815
You also...

335
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:57,415
I think you're very, very boring
and I think your viewers...

336
00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:58,495
STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGH

337
00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:01,335
...will find you very boring,
and you ought to do rather better

338
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:03,015
as the state broadcaster,
in my view.

339
00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:04,055
ALEX: Yeah.

340
00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:05,135
Wow.

341
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:07,295
This is a man who doesn't really
understand democracy.

342
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:10,175
Thing is, YOU'RE wanting to stand,
YOU have to answer the questions.

343
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:12,535
You're not allowed to say "pass"
or "you're very boring."

344
00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:14,015
He's just pure Trump, isn't he?

345
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:16,655
He just thinks, "I'll just call
everyone boring, make stuff up."

346
00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:18,815
Farage's one policy -
"We're having net zero immigration."

347
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:21,215
The first time he's asked
about it in a proper

348
00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:23,575
interview and they say,
"Well, shall we have the following

349
00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:24,615
skilled workers in?"

350
00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:26,055
He says, "Yeah, we'll have them.

351
00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:27,095
We'll have them.

352
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:28,135
II

353
00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:29,175
600,000.

354
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:32,535
So that's not zero, is it, Nigel?

355
00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:34,655
Well, Carol will be
able to tell you that.

356
00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:36,175
LAUGHTER

357
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,775
It's lower than if it
were higher in the first place.

358
00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:44,495
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

359
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:50,135
So I think you mentioned it,
but where is Nigel going?

360
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:51,175
Clacton!

361
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:52,255
Yes, Clacton.

362
00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:55,135
And BBC rules in this election
period mean we have to list

363
00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:56,815
all the candidates standing
in that constituency.

364
00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:59,695
So you'll see them on the bottom
of the screen right now.

365
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:03,015
So on his first day on the campaign
trail in Clacton, Nigel Farage went

366
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:04,095
into a Wetherspoons.

367
00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:09,655
According to The Times,
he was greeted with shouts of...

368
00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:16,175
Because we've mentioned
Wetherspoons, here's a complete list

369
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:18,535
of all the other public houses
available in the Clacton

370
00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:19,575
constituency.

371
00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:24,775
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

372
00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:27,815
Nigel Farage also asked people

373
00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:32,255
in the Moon 8;
Starfish Wetherspoons...

374
00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:36,455
To which one man at
the back shouted...

375
00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:37,895
And that was his campaign manager.

376
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:39,775
What happened when he left the pub?

377
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:44,055
He got attacked by a woman
throwing a milkshake at him.

378
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:46,175
Had it been low alcohol
beer, he would have

379
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:50,655
actually disintegrated.

380
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:51,735
LAUGHTER

381
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,135
So he must be one
of the very few people

382
00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:55,775
who's ever been attacked
leaving a Wetherspoons.

383
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:58,335
Takes some doing, doesn't it?

384
00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:00,735
Wetherspoon, that's where he goes,
went to drink in Wetherspoon

385
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:06,295
and where he's fondly known as that
old loony leftie.

386
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:08,655
LAUGHTER

387
00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:14,175
Do you know where he found
refuge straight after?

388
00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:17,215
Was it in the arms of a prostitute?

389
00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:18,255
Sorry, sex worker.

390
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:25,495
They hadn't quite
caught on in Clacton.

391
00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:29,095
I don't know who was there with him
- it was inside his campaign bus.

392
00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:31,655
Yes, there we are.

393
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:34,775
He failed to appear on the top deck
of his open-top bus as,

394
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:36,535
according to the Times,
he was busy...

395
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:37,495
Yep.

396
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,455
That's a new name for it in Clacton.

397
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:42,735
"Will you be wanting a face flannel
or is it an all-over body scrub?"

398
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:49,695
APPLAUSE

399
00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:54,495
Before announcing
that he was standing,

400
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:56,415
where was Nigel Farage spotted
accompanied by Labour-defecting,

401
00:15:56,440 --> 00:16:01,415
Conservative-defecting Reform
hopeful Lee Anderson?

402
00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:04,455
Was it the new surrealist
exhibition at the Tate?

403
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,895
It might be, let's have a look.

404
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:09,335
It was in this department store.

405
00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:10,415
Yes!

406
00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:13,215
It IS a new surrealist
exhibition at the Tate!

407
00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:14,295
Yeah.

408
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:17,535
Big pants and a massive arse.

409
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:23,935
APPLAUSE

410
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:27,695
So this is Nigel Farage's
eighth attempt to become an MP.

411
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:30,335
As Farage left a Clacton
Wetherspoons, he was drenched

412
00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:32,735
in banana milkshake in an incident
described by local police

413
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:38,975
as "utterly precedented".

414
00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:44,375
The 25-year-old woman who threw
milkshake all over Nigel Farage

415
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:45,855
is described in the Times as...

416
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:48,455
And that's a very niche part
of the Venn diagram containing

417
00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:55,055
just her and Diane Abbott, weirdly.

418
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:58,095
I don't know what that means.

419
00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:00,455
Nigel Farage pledged to his
supporters that he would stick

420
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:05,695
to traditional British values.

421
00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:11,375
He, she, they, it said.

422
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:14,535
Now it's time for two clues
to the news, in which I'll be

423
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:16,455
putting something on my head
to musical accompaniment

424
00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:20,255
and you have to guess the story.

425
00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:21,335
Right.

426
00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:22,375
Simple as that.

427
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:24,295
Paul and jack, you're
going to go first.

428
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:25,495
I might do some acting.

429
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:26,575
OK, good.

430
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:27,575
Watch our for that.

431
00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:29,535
Here I come.

432
00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:34,895
HE PLAYS THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER

433
00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:40,175
HE PLAYS jAlLHOUSE ROCK

434
00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:44,255
Thank you, Mark.

435
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:45,295
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

436
00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:46,375
Where's he gone?

437
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:47,375
We don't know.

438
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:48,415
Ah.

439
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:53,015
This will be Donald Trump.

440
00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:57,495
I thought it was Louis XIV.

441
00:17:57,520 --> 00:18:00,135
So, yes, Donald Trump has been found
guilty on 34 counts.

442
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:03,015
And the first American president
to become a convicted felon but it's

443
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:06,375
suspected that the independents
and the people who haven't

444
00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:09,695
made their mind up are probably
going to baulk at the idea of voting

445
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:12,095
for somebody who could probably be
imprisoned by the time

446
00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:13,655
he becomes president.

447
00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:16,495
Yeah, it's the news that Donald
Trump is now a convicted felon.

448
00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:17,695
Yeah, I just said that.

449
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:18,735
Mm.

450
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:21,135
You didn't say it how
the Daily Star said it.

451
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:23,575
They've got a way with words.

452
00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:28,575
APPLAUSE

453
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,415
Did anybody see
that thing when he said,

454
00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:31,495
"I have 34 charges,

455
00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:35,575
"34 - no president
has had that many."

456
00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:38,495
To be clear, it's not a good thing,
is it, being charged?

457
00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:40,375
Do you think he's
going to jail, jack?

458
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:41,415
He possibly could.

459
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:46,015
I know that, if he does, he will be
permitted a security brief.

460
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,135
He'll have what's known
as a ring of steel,

461
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:52,175
which he'll need in prison,
I imagine.

462
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:54,815
You know in all the films
when the new person comes

463
00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:56,975
into the prison, you get
all the other prisoners

464
00:18:57,000 --> 00:19:00,415
at their bars going,
"Uh, new meat, fresh meat."

465
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:01,575
Ancl they all come to...

466
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:05,295
"Ugh."

467
00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:07,935
Isn't there a thing they do every
year with the president

468
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:10,055
on Thanksgiving Day,
he has to sort of like

469
00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:11,135
pardon the turkey?

470
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:14,455
Wouldn't that be funny if he had
to do that from his prison cell?

471
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:15,975
You're free!

472
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:17,935
34 counts of fraud.

473
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:20,295
He could get four years
in prison for each count.

474
00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:21,735
How long could he get, Carol?

475
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:24,055
..1 36.

476
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:26,415
Correct, very good -
she's still got it.

477
00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:28,615
As for the Democrats,
they're not above the law.

478
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:31,495
It's quite complicated but do
you know whatjoe Biden's son Hunter

479
00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:33,535
is on trial for at the moment?

480
00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:35,895
Yes, it's something to do
with a gun, isn't it?

481
00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:38,055
Buying a gun illegally?

482
00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:41,175
I didn't know it was possible to buy
a gun illegally in America.

483
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:43,095
Don't know how he
managed to do that.

484
00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:45,935
It was illegal because he lied about
a crack cocaine addition while...

485
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:47,015
Addition?

486
00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:50,415
He was adding up while on crack?

487
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,055
I didn't know that was an offence.

488
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:56,495
2+2
Wahey!

489
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:59,135
He bought a gun at a time
he was doing crack

490
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:00,975
every 15 minutes, apparently.

491
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,095
Wow.

492
00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:03,935
You could set your watch
by him, apparently.

493
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,015
Yeah.

494
00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:07,855
But in fairness, when he went
into the gun shop, he had

495
00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:10,495
two utility bills so,
fair enough, he got what he wanted.

496
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:13,135
And he was only in the gun
shop for 11 minutes.

497
00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:14,175
Yeah.

498
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:16,335
Ancl also, his name is
Hunter so, you know.

499
00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:17,375
One more on Trump.

500
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:18,815
Where was Trump sighted this week?

501
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:22,255
Was it Clacton?

502
00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:24,655
It's got to be one of those
things where somebody's

503
00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:27,015
seen his face in a yoghurt
or something, isn't it?

504
00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:28,455
You've done this show before, Paul.

505
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:29,495
I have, yeah.

506
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:30,535
It was a steak.

507
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:31,655
Go on, then.

508
00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:32,655
Here it is.

509
00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:37,175
Yes!

510
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:38,215
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

511
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:41,415
Ian and Carol, here's one for you.

512
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:42,495
Ready, Mark?

513
00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:44,575
One, two, three.

514
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:51,535
MARK PLAYS SK8ER BOI

515
00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:05,815
Do you have any idea?

516
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:07,455
Big story in the news.

517
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:08,935
You obviously recognise
the song, guys.

518
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,375
Yeah, the song was, erm...

519
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:11,855
That one.

520
00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:13,775
It was Avril Lavigne
and...Sk8er Boi, wasn't it?

521
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:19,495
It was Sk8er Boi and
that is because....

522
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:22,535
Of course, how stupid.

523
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:25,375
It's the other big news that
skateboarding is now a GCSE subject

524
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:26,415
in Northern Ireland.

525
00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:27,455
Is it?!

526
00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:28,495
No!

527
00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:29,535
Gnarly, isn't it?

528
00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:30,575
What does that mean?

529
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:31,655
I don't know.

530
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:33,375
What sort of questions do they ask?

531
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:37,335
Well, it'll be things that this.

532
00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:42,775
How would you...?

533
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:44,015
You're on a board, Ian.

534
00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:45,055
Yes.

535
00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:46,655
What are you going to do?

536
00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:50,175
It's in my head, but I'm
not going to say it.

537
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,775
You're going to spin the board 180
degrees without the board

538
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:53,855
leaving the ground.

539
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:55,535
Why can't it just be a sport?

540
00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:59,935
Why is it on the curriculum?

541
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:01,535
Concentrate on the exam, Ian.

542
00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:03,135
Who can tell me...

543
00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:05,055
Who can tell me, what is a...?

544
00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:07,695
Is that when you get crucified
for leading a new religion?

545
00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:14,615
It sort of is - it's an aerial trick
where you pick up the board

546
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:21,295
and put your arms out to look
like Jesus on the cross in midair.

547
00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:24,015
It's what he would have wanted -
it looks like this.

548
00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:25,855
JACK: That looks more
advanced than GCSE -

549
00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:26,895
that's degree level.

550
00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:29,735
Fingers on buzzers, team,
we're going to do one more of these.

551
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:30,815
OK.

552
00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:32,455
I was hoping there'd be another one.

553
00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:33,495
Yeah!

554
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:34,575
LAUGHTER

555
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:35,575
What is this story?

556
00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:36,615
MARK HOLDS NOTE

557
00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:40,735
BUZZER

558
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:41,975
Yeah, well, it's Alpine horns.

559
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:43,055
It is Alpine horns.

560
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:44,015
And they are...?

561
00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:45,215
<i>And they are...</i>

562
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:46,455
...gathering...?

563
00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:48,175
Gathering, erm...

564
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:49,415
Gathering dust in a museum.

565
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:51,775
I'll give you that.

566
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:52,815
Thank you.

567
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:53,895
It's the exciting news...

568
00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:54,895
LAUGHTER

569
00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:56,375
...that the UK's
largest-ever gathering

570
00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:58,135
of Alex Horne enthusiasts...

571
00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:00,975
...ALPINE horn enthusiasts,
has been held in Berkshire.

572
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:03,015
So, well done for getting that.

573
00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:04,095
Wow.

574
00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:05,375
The largest-ever gathering.

575
00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:07,975
How many people do think attended
the Alpine horn, or alphorn...?

576
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:09,015
42.

577
00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:10,055
42.

578
00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:11,655
It's the largest ever.

579
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:13,775
Yeah, I think it was
about 300, I heard.

580
00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:14,815
No, it was 11.

581
00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:15,855
11?

582
00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:17,535
Double figures.

583
00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:18,575
Yeah.

584
00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:23,415
It doesn't sound like a lot.

585
00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:26,895
Here they all are in one photo.

586
00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:28,015
CAROL: Aw.

587
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:29,255
Event organiser
Frances Jones said...

588
00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:36,455
According to the BBC,
that figure is thought to be...

589
00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:42,215
They're 4m long, the Alpine horns.

590
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:43,295
Are they really?

591
00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:44,335
They are.

592
00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:45,975
Gosh, I'm so glad I knew that.

593
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:47,055
LAUGHTER

594
00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:49,895
I think we should have a listen
to some alphorns being played.

595
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:50,975
Here we go.

596
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:51,975
Yeah, go on, then.

597
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:59,815
GENTLE SONG

598
00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:05,295
Yeah, and...

599
00:24:05,360 --> 00:24:06,815
...said organiser Frances.

600
00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:12,255
Where Hitler had his lair.

601
00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:15,295
Finally, what unusual item did
a performer in Glasgow bring

602
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:17,935
onstage with her this week?

603
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:21,975
I think she was eating a bag
of Wotsits or something.

604
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:24,335
If you've not been to a pub
in Glasgow recently,

605
00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:25,655
have a look at this.

606
00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:27,135
MUSIC: The Whole of the Moon

607
00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:32,055
# I wondered, I guessed,
and I tried

608
00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:35,055
# You just knew

609
00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:42,175
# I sighed...#

610
00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:56,575
Well, I think we should have a round
of applause - Mr Mark Brown.

611
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:57,615
APPLAUSE

612
00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:01,095
Well done, Mark.

613
00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:02,775
Time now for the
missing words round.

614
00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:08,055
And we start with...

615
00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:10,055
She's married one.

616
00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:11,095
She's had facial reconstruction.

617
00:25:11,120 --> 00:25:12,295
She's married a pigeon!

618
00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:13,775
No...

619
00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:16,175
Yeah.

620
00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:18,175
That's fair enough.

621
00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:20,575
Animal lover Lucy Morris,
who keeps pigeons called Rosie

622
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:22,935
and Fiori in her home -
here is the happy

623
00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:25,255
family with their pets.

624
00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:27,135
Have a good look at
the daughter there.

625
00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:31,415
Yeah.

626
00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:32,455
LAUGHTER

627
00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:33,535
Next...

628
00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:36,375
Thief who stole thesaurus tells
police: I'm innocent, pure,

629
00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:37,455
unblemished, trustworthy,

630
00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:42,895
honest, not guilty,
without sin, blameless.

631
00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:45,935
APPLAUSE

632
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,815
I'll give you the first half.

633
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:49,855
Yeah.

634
00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:55,135
Once you...

635
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:56,815
"Once you take one, you can't stop."

636
00:25:56,840 --> 00:26:00,255
Don't say, "Well, 'Once you..."' -
I've got it right.

637
00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:01,295
Yeah!

638
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:02,375
Don't...

639
00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:04,255
I can't give you the
points there, jack.

640
00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:05,295
Aw.

641
00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:06,335
This is a proper...

642
00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:07,375
Quiz.

643
00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:08,415
Proper what?!

644
00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:09,455
Quiz, yeah.

645
00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:10,495
Finally...

646
00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:17,535
JACK: Is it BT's please
hold the line music?

647
00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:23,695
LAUGHTER

648
00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:25,455
Manchester United fan
Ochirvaani Batbold cycled

649
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:28,055
all the way to Old Trafford
from Mongolia in the hope

650
00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:32,375
of meeting his hero Wayne Rooney.

651
00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:36,575
Through 17 countries including...

652
00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:38,735
The worst part of his journey
involved barely formed

653
00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:40,695
roads full of potholes,
but once you were

654
00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:44,095
through the outskirts
of Manchester, it was fine.

655
00:26:44,120 --> 00:26:46,575
We could all join in on that one.

656
00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:47,615
Still good, though.

657
00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:49,455
Yeah, it still works.

658
00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:51,255
So, the final scores, guys.

659
00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:52,375
Oh, no!

660
00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:54,695
I'm afraid, Ian and Carol,
you've only got three points

661
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:57,055
while Paul and jack have twice
that with six points!

662
00:26:57,080 --> 00:26:58,135
APPLAUSE

663
00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:02,255
Well done,
well done, well done.

664
00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:04,175
And we were told just
before the program me,

665
00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:06,295
this has been the 600th recording
of the show.

666
00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:07,335
600 shows, we've done.

667
00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:12,455
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

668
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:15,495
When was it, 1990 you started?

669
00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:17,975
Yeah, yes, October 1990.

670
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:20,815
Well, back then the country
was in a real state, wasn't it?

671
00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:21,895
Oh, yes.

672
00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:25,575
Well clone, you guys,
for sorting that out.

673
00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:27,855
On which note we say thank
you to our panel lists,

674
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:30,535
Ian Hislop and CarolVorderman,
Paul Merton and jack Dee.

675
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:33,775
And I leave you with news that
pictures from Rupert Murdoch's fifth

676
00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:36,415
wedding this week reveal a sneak
peek of the groom

677
00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:39,335
getting ready for his big day.

678
00:27:39,360 --> 00:27:44,495
LAUGHTER

679
00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:47,535
As cinema attendances continue
to fall, Disney take a drastically

680
00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:50,135
different approach to their films
with a horror remake

681
00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:53,095
of Mary Poppins.

682
00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:57,895
LAUGHTER

683
00:27:57,920 --> 00:28:00,575
And at a D-Day
anniversary event in France,

684
00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:03,855
Lib Dem leader Ed Davey presents
a dignified tribute

685
00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:06,495
to the Allied landing forces.

686
00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:10,175
LAUGHTER

687
00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:11,215
Goodnight.

688
00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:18,095
APPLAUSE