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This programme contains
some strong language.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Good evening.
Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
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I'm Martin Lewis.
In the news this week...
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James May has rebuffed claims
that the latest series
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00:00:46,786 --> 00:00:50,226
of The Grand Tour
has run out of steam.
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00:00:57,706 --> 00:01:00,466
Ahead of next week's
local elections,
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the Reform Party campaign bus
pulls into Blackpool.
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And on Gardeners' World,
Monty Don realises it may be time
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to clean off the slimy green
algae from his decking.
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On Ian's team tonight is
a comedian whose latest show
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is about his love of the
US rock band Nine Inch Nails,
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which has attracted a lot
of their fans to his gigs.
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Sadly, though,
half of them are hammered.
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Please welcome Ignacio Lopez!
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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On Paul's team tonight is
a presenter who hosts a podcast
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with Robert Peston called
The Rest Is Money.
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Other money based podcasts
are available.
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LAUGHTER
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And better!
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Please welcome Steph McGovern.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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but of course, if you
ditch and switch later,
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you could save £6 a month!
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We begin with the bigger
news stories of the week.
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Ian and Ignacio,
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have a look at this.
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IGNACIO: That's the last
package holiday I went on.
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That's the bill.
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Just gone through.
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That's Fishy Rishi on a boat, there.
That's great. Yeah.
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And that's him looking at the
camera.
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Thinking, "Oh, no, it's the public!
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"I might have to meet them."
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Yes, this is Rishi Sunak's
master plan to win the next election
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by appealing to traditional
Tory voters,
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and it's falling into place
perfectly.
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So let's just go through it.
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What is step one of Rishi's
masterplan here?
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Lose election.
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This is the Safety of Rwanda Bill.
It's passed, tick.
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Now they've finally got it through,
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so this policy that
nobody seems to want
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and won't happen anyway,
is officially now going to happen.
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They tried to do this before.
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I think they had 12 people
on the flight heading over there,
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and I think it's a terrible policy,
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but that would have been
great legroom.
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Yeah. He's been very careful
with his words.
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He said the flights will
definitely take off
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but he's not indicated whether
there'll be anybody on them. Yeah.
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They originally said
it'll be spring,
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and we seem to have moved
spring to July now.
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The money, I thought was
the best thing in this.
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It's £600 million total,
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which is £2 million
per person on the flight.
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I mean, that's more than Ryanair,
isn't it?
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Ryanair are trying to get in on the
act on this, as well, aren't they?
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Because Michael O'Leary
has come out and said
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that he'd be happy to
quote for their flights.
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Surely these people have suffered
enough! Oh, yeah, there is that!
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Because, you know, they'll get
the bill and then it'll be like,
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"Oh, it's going to be extra if
you want to breathe on the flight."
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Before you know,
it'll be even bigger than that.
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When he was Chancellor,
he said this is a terrible idea,
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so he's now putting through a bill
that he didn't want anyway,
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was set up by Boris Johnson,
remember him?
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LAUGHTER, SOME BOOING
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So much of what he did went so well!
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LAUGHTER
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And he thinks this is going to save
him from defeat in the election.
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When they picked this place, though,
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couldn't they have picked
any country that,
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when you type it into Google,
doesn't auto correct
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to genocide immediately after it?
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And, embarrassingly,
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we have accepted asylum seekers
in Britain from Rwanda
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on the grounds that it's not safe...
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..there for them, so presumably,
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if we fly them over on the plane,
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then they can then apply for asylum
in Britain and then come back again.
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Perhaps the plane should be
on, like, a bungee rope
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so it just flies over then...
goes back.
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That'd be the way to do it.
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I understand these things
are complicated, which is why
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the BBC invested a substantial
portion of licence fee money
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in a new explanatory analysis tool,
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which was presented by Chris Mason.
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But hang on - there are some
Parliamentary shenanigans first.
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When a planned new law
is very nearly there,
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here at Westminster,
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but there is a disagreement
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between the House of Commons
and the House of Lords,
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we enter something known here
as ping-pong,
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when the idea pings and pongs
between the Commons and Lords,
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potentially over and over again,
until they agree.
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It's difficult to understand
the logic
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of pointing at a
very small scale building
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of the building that
you're sitting in front of.
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So how is Rishi Sunak preparing
to deal with the expected
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legal challenges to this?
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He said, "I've got judges waiting,
I've got 25 courts."
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I mean, given that the rest of the
judicial system has more or less
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come to a standstill, you can't
get tried for anything,
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people are waiting, they've got
three-year waits
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for really serious crimes,
and then for this,
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suddenly we've got judges, we've
got courts, we've got aeroplanes.
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Are you saying that normally you
can't buy a judge for love or money?
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Sunak also said
there would be 500...
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Is he "sun-ak"?
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Why is he suddenly Rishi "Sun-ak"?
Has he...?
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Has he changed his name
to be more sunshine and fun?
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Rishi also said... Yeah.
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..there would be...
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..to accompany detainees
on their trip to Rwanda.
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What do you think
they're trained in?
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Empathy.
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LAUGHTER
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Distributing packets
of complimentary nuts?
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Are they security specialists?
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Are they members of G4S?
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Or are they security specialists?
Yeah, I think...
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Back to Rishi's traditional
Tory values master plan.
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What's phase two?
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LAUGHTER
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Are we releasing killer whales
into the Channel?
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Back to basic Tory values.
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Oh! Sex in the office with drugs.
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
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And phase three?
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What do you know about sex
in the office with drugs, Ian?
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"More Ovaltine, my dear?"
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I'm thinking more of the, you know,
well, the defence of the nation.
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We're increasing the defence budget.
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Yeah, by getting rid
of some of the civil service.
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By deporting them to Rwanda.
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Yeah, he's announced on
a visit to Poland
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an increase in defence spending
from 2% to 2.5% of GDP.
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And this announcement was of course
intended to wrong-foot Labour,
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so how has Keir Starmer
been fighting back?
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By telling us all we need to be
really patriotic. Yeah.
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I'm thinking more for the moment
about the big announcement
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this week. Oh, the railways.
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No, he said he'd be prepared
to press the nuclear button.
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If it made the railways run on time.
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With a nuclear explosion,
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you could get from Paddington
to Leeds in ten minutes.
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Don't buy a return.
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Is that what you were thinking of?
No, I was more
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re-nationalise the railways.
That's where we were going,
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roughly, on that particular one.
Oh, OK. And what I'd like to...
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How do you think that's going to
affect normal travellers?
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It'll make things better,
I would guess.
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I'm genuinely in credit on my,
you know Delay Repay? Yeah.
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Like, cos every single train
is always late.
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You can't rely on it, can you?
Labour want to bring in
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automatic Delay Repay, though,
don't they? Where you don't have to
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do anything and then you get it.
IGNACIO: Sounds good.
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They do want to bring that in,
although how that would work
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with cash-based purchases,
I don't know.
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Well, when was the last time
anyone used cash?
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Lots of older people
still use cash...
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Yeah, they've got to bribe
the Tories somehow!
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They've got to give them,
you know...
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
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You mentioned earlier
that Keir Starmer
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also wanted to be patriotic.
How did he do that?
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He wrote to all the Labour
candidates for the upcoming election
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and said they needed to be
dead enthusiastic
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and wave the flag
and all of that kind of thing.
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St George's Day is not
St Patrick's Day, is it? Come on.
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There's no downing Guinness,
wearing a leprechaun hat,
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getting jiggy in the local
Irish centre, you know,
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there's none of that, is there?
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Well, if you come to our village,
you know...
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Tell me,
what you do in your village, Ian?
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There's a huge amount of cider,
Morris dancing...
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I recite the complete works
of Shakespeare...
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And there's a re-enactment
of the repeal of the Corn Laws.
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Did you see Lee Anderthal,
as I always...? No.
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He did a thing about St George's Day
and he said how
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he was incredibly proud, and
he had St George's cufflinks,
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and he said, "This is one in the eye
for all you lot of avocado eating
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"Palestinian flag wavers."
And I was thinking,
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St George came from Palestine!
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
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He kicked off about
the England shirts
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and the back of the collar
being purple, and saying,
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"You don't change it purple!
How dare you, you know,
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"disrespect the flag by changing it
and making it purple?"
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I was thinking,
I grew up in Majorca, right,
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I saw plenty of St George's tattoos
turn purple in my time!
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
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But he isn't the only one.
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Keir Starmer tried to reclaim
the flag of St George
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on St George's Day,
claiming that Labour is...
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..while wearing trainers.
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There you go.
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Now, I'm sure you've spotted, Ian,
they're Gazelles rather than Sambas.
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Keir Starmer explained that...
They're what?!
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Ian, have you ever worn
trainers before?
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How dare you?
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Keir Starmer explained that he
might be asked to kick a football
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for a publicity stunt, so he didn't
want to wear his normal footwear,
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which is understandable.
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Can we close in on that?
Can we have a look at his feet?
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00:11:02,746 --> 00:11:05,706
They look a bit like horses' hooves,
don't they?
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00:11:05,706 --> 00:11:08,266
He's not a centaur, is he?
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00:11:08,266 --> 00:11:11,146
They've kept that quiet! Never mind
Angela Rayner, half man, half horse?
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According to the latest
Gallup poll... Gallop poll! Yes!
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00:11:15,546 --> 00:11:17,466
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Gallup poll... Gallop poll! Yes!
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00:11:17,466 --> 00:11:19,666
Brilliant!
Gallup poll... Gallop poll! Yes!
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Shall we move on with a little bit
of Irish politics now? Yes!
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Are you aware of the factions
within the Irish National Party?
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No.
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LAUGHTER
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Well, nationalist organisations
tend to generate
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00:11:31,866 --> 00:11:34,666
a lot of acrimonious in-fighting.
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Here is the new party leader,
Justin Barrett, explaining
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why he had appointed his rival,
James Reynolds, as his deputy.
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As he referred to himself,
I had no respect for his intellect.
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No, I did not!
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00:11:48,866 --> 00:11:51,546
I have never had any respect
for Mr Reynolds's intellect.
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And you say to yourself,
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00:11:54,706 --> 00:11:57,826
"Well, if you didn't have any
respect for Mr Reynolds's intellect,
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00:11:57,826 --> 00:12:00,706
"why did you make him the deputy
leader of the National Party?"
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00:12:00,706 --> 00:12:03,426
Precisely because I had no respect
for his intellectual ability,
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00:12:03,426 --> 00:12:05,706
and therefore thought
he was a malleable individual,
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and therefore thought
in practical terms
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00:12:08,026 --> 00:12:10,826
that control of the National Party
was entirely in my hands
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00:12:10,826 --> 00:12:13,946
and would continue to be entirely
in my hands and was entirely safe
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00:12:13,946 --> 00:12:17,346
because James Reynolds was too
stupid to do anything about it!
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
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Refreshing burst of honesty there.
STEPH: Yeah.
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He looks like he should be
a commentator on horse racing
237
00:12:30,586 --> 00:12:32,506
or something, doesn't he?
With that...that animation!
238
00:12:32,506 --> 00:12:35,146
This is the news that in a
surprising historical reversal,
239
00:12:35,146 --> 00:12:38,746
Britain is about to start rounding
people up against their will
240
00:12:38,746 --> 00:12:42,346
and shipping them to Africa.
241
00:12:42,346 --> 00:12:44,506
The Rwandan scheme
is proving quite expensive.
242
00:12:44,506 --> 00:12:48,706
It's currently projected
to have a base cost of
243
00:12:51,586 --> 00:12:55,266
But on top of that, there is an
additional charge of...
244
00:12:59,946 --> 00:13:01,186
Although I've looked into this
245
00:13:01,186 --> 00:13:05,346
and they can get £25 off that
if they use a voucher code.
246
00:13:05,346 --> 00:13:08,346
I've managed to source this one.
247
00:13:09,786 --> 00:13:14,786
LAUGHTER
248
00:13:15,226 --> 00:13:17,346
At the start of the week,
Rishi Sunak insisted...
249
00:13:17,346 --> 00:13:20,226
Who is he? Who is he?
250
00:13:20,226 --> 00:13:21,346
Who is Rishi "Sun-ak"?
251
00:13:21,346 --> 00:13:25,386
I think he's a cross between
a sunbed and an anorak.
252
00:13:30,066 --> 00:13:31,986
Quite a claim. May I suggest,
Prime Minister,
253
00:13:31,986 --> 00:13:33,466
you ensure they are ATOL protected,
254
00:13:33,466 --> 00:13:36,786
you pay for it on a credit card
so you have Section 75 protection,
255
00:13:36,786 --> 00:13:38,946
and of course, you pay it off
256
00:13:38,946 --> 00:13:40,386
IN full!
257
00:13:40,386 --> 00:13:42,386
AUDIENCE: In full!
258
00:13:42,386 --> 00:13:43,426
Bit weak.
259
00:13:43,426 --> 00:13:44,626
Why are they doing that?
260
00:13:44,626 --> 00:13:49,626
I think he's trying to turn it
into a catchphrase.
261
00:13:49,906 --> 00:13:53,226
I've had that the last 15 years, it
works. Just on a different channel.
262
00:13:53,226 --> 00:13:54,746
AUDIENCE: Oooh!
263
00:13:54,746 --> 00:13:55,786
Which one's that?
264
00:13:55,786 --> 00:13:59,346
He can't remember.
265
00:13:59,346 --> 00:14:01,306
Paul and Steph, take a look at this.
266
00:14:02,106 --> 00:14:03,826
Ah, yes, this is the lovely story,
267
00:14:03,826 --> 00:14:05,786
the little boy and the seagulls.
268
00:14:05,786 --> 00:14:08,426
Oh, that was me on a hen do!
Was it? Yeah.
269
00:14:08,426 --> 00:14:10,586
There's the natural enemy,
the OAP and the seagull.
270
00:14:10,586 --> 00:14:12,506
Yes, there's a boy
who's won a competition
271
00:14:12,506 --> 00:14:15,106
for impersonating seagulls,
272
00:14:15,106 --> 00:14:18,186
and he does a very, very good
impersonation of a seagull.
273
00:14:18,186 --> 00:14:19,546
Indeed, quite correct.
That's right, yeah.
274
00:14:19,546 --> 00:14:21,826
What is it, just the sound?
STEPH: Yeah.
275
00:14:21,826 --> 00:14:23,506
No, he doesn't fly around the room!
276
00:14:23,506 --> 00:14:26,666
What you mean, is it just the sound?
You said it was impressive!
277
00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:29,746
But he dresses up as a seagull.
Yeah, he flies out the window
278
00:14:29,746 --> 00:14:32,146
and nicks people's chips
from a height of ten feet.
279
00:14:32,146 --> 00:14:35,266
He dresses up as the seagull
as well, though. Yeah. Does he?
280
00:14:35,266 --> 00:14:38,146
Yeah, he does, yeah. It's not just
any old competition. No, exactly.
281
00:14:38,146 --> 00:14:40,866
He won the European finals!
European... Yeah.
282
00:14:40,866 --> 00:14:42,426
I'm impressed! Yeah!
283
00:14:42,426 --> 00:14:44,346
What have you ever won, Ian?
Come on!
284
00:14:44,346 --> 00:14:46,266
Yeah, you're right.
285
00:14:46,266 --> 00:14:48,546
Hearts of the nation! Oh, yeah.
286
00:14:48,546 --> 00:14:52,266
In a raffle.
287
00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:54,466
Cooper Wallace beat 56 other
competitors in the...
288
00:14:54,466 --> 00:14:55,906
Yeah. Let's listen.
289
00:14:58,546 --> 00:15:00,666
Yeah. Let's listen.
290
00:15:00,666 --> 00:15:01,826
Three, two, one.
291
00:15:01,826 --> 00:15:03,106
MAKES SEAGULL IMPRESSION
292
00:15:03,106 --> 00:15:08,106
CROWD CHEERS
293
00:15:10,306 --> 00:15:12,586
Cooper!
294
00:15:12,586 --> 00:15:17,106
Can you do other emotions?
295
00:15:17,106 --> 00:15:18,826
Um, a seagull that is hungry? Yeah.
296
00:15:18,826 --> 00:15:23,826
MAKES SEAGULL IMPRESSION
297
00:15:24,106 --> 00:15:25,906
INDISTINCT CHATTER
298
00:15:25,906 --> 00:15:27,146
Now, the jury...
299
00:15:27,146 --> 00:15:31,506
17, 19, 19, 18 and 19!
300
00:15:31,506 --> 00:15:36,506
CHEERING
301
00:15:37,666 --> 00:15:40,866
That is brilliant. Very good.
APPLAUSE
302
00:15:40,866 --> 00:15:43,186
Do any of you
do any impressions at all?
303
00:15:43,186 --> 00:15:45,826
I can do The Godfather, actually.
The Godfather? Yeah. OK. Yeah.
304
00:15:45,826 --> 00:15:48,906
AS CORLEONE: "You come here on the
day of my daughter's funeral."
305
00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:52,106
Funeral?!
306
00:15:52,106 --> 00:15:56,146
Oh, yeah, it was a wedding!
I love the remix of the movie!
307
00:15:56,146 --> 00:15:57,546
APPLAUSE
308
00:15:57,546 --> 00:15:59,706
Here's one for you
they told me to play.
309
00:15:59,706 --> 00:16:02,826
The name's Bond.
Bank and Building Society Bond.
310
00:16:02,826 --> 00:16:06,546
And if you like your investments
neither shaken nor shtirred,
311
00:16:06,546 --> 00:16:09,546
I'm licensed to bill!
312
00:16:09,546 --> 00:16:12,066
Is that you? Let's move on.
313
00:16:12,066 --> 00:16:14,346
LAUGHTER
314
00:16:14,346 --> 00:16:17,626
What was that for?
Let's move on.
315
00:16:17,626 --> 00:16:21,186
It looks like a hostage video.
316
00:16:21,186 --> 00:16:22,186
Staying with children,
317
00:16:22,186 --> 00:16:23,906
what has turned 100 this week?
318
00:16:23,906 --> 00:16:25,786
Oh, the BBC's
programmes for children,
319
00:16:25,786 --> 00:16:28,186
educational programmes for children.
It was first started in, er,
320
00:16:28,186 --> 00:16:31,426
well, it must have been 1924.
It was indeed.
321
00:16:31,426 --> 00:16:34,066
Here is one of the earliest
programmes to be broadcast. Yes.
322
00:16:34,066 --> 00:16:38,466
A preposition is a word
composed of "position" and "pre" -
323
00:16:38,466 --> 00:16:42,466
which means before.
In other words, pre-position.
324
00:16:42,466 --> 00:16:45,906
Prepositions are in a position
before the nouns.
325
00:16:45,906 --> 00:16:49,666
Now, all these prepositions
are at the end of the sentences.
326
00:16:49,666 --> 00:16:51,826
There are pedantic grammarians
who sometimes object to this
327
00:16:51,826 --> 00:16:54,186
but there's no harm, really,
in using prepositions
328
00:16:54,186 --> 00:16:57,306
at the end of a sentence
in order to make conversation.
329
00:16:57,306 --> 00:16:58,386
Is that you, Ian?
330
00:16:58,386 --> 00:17:00,786
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
331
00:17:00,786 --> 00:17:04,986
Could be. Could be.
332
00:17:04,986 --> 00:17:08,266
POSH ACCENT: Well, I think
the diction's a little too casual.
333
00:17:08,266 --> 00:17:13,266
LAUGHTER
334
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:15,906
This is the news that nine-year-old
Brit Cooper Wallace
335
00:17:15,906 --> 00:17:19,786
has won the European Seagull
Screeching Championships.
336
00:17:19,786 --> 00:17:22,186
Cooper Wallace's total immersion
in the role of a seagull
337
00:17:22,186 --> 00:17:25,746
wowed the panel,
leading him to a score of...
338
00:17:28,626 --> 00:17:31,026
..dropping two of those marks
for eating a cigarette butt
339
00:17:31,026 --> 00:17:36,066
and a further six
for shitting on a judge's head.
340
00:17:36,746 --> 00:17:39,386
The BBC is, of course, looking
to attract a younger audience
341
00:17:39,386 --> 00:17:43,146
and what's cooler
than a money saving expert
342
00:17:43,146 --> 00:17:45,986
hosting a topical news quiz?
Hey, kids, put down that vape
343
00:17:45,986 --> 00:17:48,866
and let's jam on the fact
that since the 6th of April
344
00:17:48,866 --> 00:17:52,466
you can now open two cash ISAs
in a tax year and not just one.
345
00:17:52,466 --> 00:17:54,906
Can you really? Yes.
346
00:17:54,906 --> 00:17:59,906
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
347
00:18:00,706 --> 00:18:02,746
Still to a maximum of £20,000,
though. Ugh!
348
00:18:02,746 --> 00:18:04,666
But you can have them
in separate places.
349
00:18:04,666 --> 00:18:06,666
We'll talk later. Yeah.
350
00:18:06,666 --> 00:18:09,666
And now to round two. It's time
for the Randomizer Of News.
351
00:18:09,666 --> 00:18:11,586
Fingers on the buzzers, teams.
352
00:18:11,586 --> 00:18:12,466
JAUNTY JINGLE
353
00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:15,626
BELL
354
00:18:15,626 --> 00:18:17,306
That is the horrifying thing I see
355
00:18:17,306 --> 00:18:20,066
when I've taken the wrong medication
before I go to sleep.
356
00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:24,586
Is it Joe Biden? It is indeed.
He's managed to pass a bill through
357
00:18:24,586 --> 00:18:28,546
to give more funding aid to Ukraine.
358
00:18:28,546 --> 00:18:32,426
Yeah, this is the news that a $61
billion US aid package to Ukraine
359
00:18:32,426 --> 00:18:35,986
has finally been agreed. Why has it
taken so long to be signed off?
360
00:18:35,986 --> 00:18:39,186
He lost his cheque book.
361
00:18:39,186 --> 00:18:40,866
The Republicans
didn't want it, did they?
362
00:18:40,866 --> 00:18:43,026
So he had to sort of win them over.
363
00:18:43,026 --> 00:18:46,946
112 Republicans
voted against the aid package.
364
00:18:46,946 --> 00:18:50,266
Let's go on to talk about
Joe Biden's Uncle Ambrose.
365
00:18:50,266 --> 00:18:54,826
What claim about him made
by his nephew is being disputed?
366
00:18:54,826 --> 00:18:56,266
He didn't invent the rice pudding.
367
00:18:56,266 --> 00:18:58,426
LAUGHTER
368
00:18:58,426 --> 00:19:01,266
No, this is that Joe Biden
said this week his uncle's plane
369
00:19:01,266 --> 00:19:03,226
had been shot down
during World War II
370
00:19:03,226 --> 00:19:05,386
and that he had then been eaten
by cannibals
371
00:19:05,386 --> 00:19:07,546
on what is now Papua New Guinea.
372
00:19:07,546 --> 00:19:11,186
What?!
373
00:19:11,186 --> 00:19:13,626
How has the President
of Papua New Guinea reacted?
374
00:19:13,626 --> 00:19:15,826
"We didn't have any anti-aircraft
guns at the time."
375
00:19:15,826 --> 00:19:19,546
According to the Daily Star...
Oh, well, there we are.
376
00:19:19,546 --> 00:19:24,546
..the President of Papua New Guinea
wants to make it clear that...
377
00:19:25,586 --> 00:19:28,226
LAUGHTER
378
00:19:28,226 --> 00:19:32,026
Which is indeed true, as his
uncle's plane ditched in the ocean.
379
00:19:32,026 --> 00:19:34,906
Now, Biden's got form in this area.
Do you know anything else
380
00:19:34,906 --> 00:19:38,586
that President Biden has said
that's turned out not to be true?
381
00:19:38,586 --> 00:19:40,986
He couldn't remember
the name of Hamas.
382
00:19:40,986 --> 00:19:43,786
I think he thought it was Hummus.
383
00:19:43,786 --> 00:19:47,506
It's just a "tahini" problem.
384
00:19:47,506 --> 00:19:50,506
GROANING AND LAUGHTER
385
00:19:50,506 --> 00:19:53,346
Meanwhile, in a New York courtroom,
why is Donald Trump's treatment
386
00:19:53,346 --> 00:19:56,946
being described as
cruel and unusual?
387
00:19:56,946 --> 00:19:59,866
The judge is, I don't know,
doing real cruel and unusual things,
388
00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:03,546
asking him to tell the truth...
LAUGHTER
389
00:20:03,546 --> 00:20:06,906
Nothing but the truth. Nothing
but the truth. Let's find out.
390
00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:09,226
The guy needs exercise,
he's usually golfing.
391
00:20:09,226 --> 00:20:11,866
And so you're going to put a man
who's almost 80,
392
00:20:11,866 --> 00:20:14,986
sitting in a room like this,
on his butt for all that time?
393
00:20:14,986 --> 00:20:18,066
It's not healthy. You know
how big of a health nut I am.
394
00:20:18,066 --> 00:20:19,746
He needs sunlight.
And he needs activity.
395
00:20:19,746 --> 00:20:21,906
He needs to be walking around,
he needs action.
396
00:20:21,906 --> 00:20:25,186
It's really cruel and unusual
punishment to make a man do that,
397
00:20:25,186 --> 00:20:29,386
and any time he moves, they threaten
to throw him in prison.
398
00:20:29,386 --> 00:20:32,506
I like how he said that he needs
sunlight. If that's the case,
399
00:20:32,506 --> 00:20:35,866
why has he got so much Ronseal on
to protect him from the rain?
400
00:20:35,866 --> 00:20:37,186
Like, that makes no...
LAUGHTER
401
00:20:37,186 --> 00:20:39,746
Steph, do you have some connection
to the Trump trial?
402
00:20:39,746 --> 00:20:43,266
Oh, my God, is this you accusing me
of being Stormy Daniels?
403
00:20:43,266 --> 00:20:47,306
This is the second time
this has happened to me this week!
404
00:20:47,306 --> 00:20:49,266
First of all it was you, Ian...
405
00:20:49,266 --> 00:20:51,906
LAUGHTER
406
00:20:51,906 --> 00:20:53,826
You'll have to explain that
encounter.
407
00:20:53,826 --> 00:20:56,226
LAUGHTER
408
00:20:56,226 --> 00:20:57,306
Ian didn't pay.
409
00:20:57,306 --> 00:21:02,306
OOHING AND LAUGHTER
410
00:21:02,386 --> 00:21:05,466
I thought it was mates' rates.
Shall we have a look at this?
411
00:21:05,466 --> 00:21:08,146
Lovely clip of Private Eye there.
412
00:21:08,146 --> 00:21:11,506
But do you know what? So many people
agree that I look like her
413
00:21:11,506 --> 00:21:13,906
so I should have cashed in on this,
shouldn't I?
414
00:21:13,906 --> 00:21:15,466
Taken the hush money. Yeah, exactly.
415
00:21:16,426 --> 00:21:18,946
Maybe I did.
416
00:21:18,946 --> 00:21:20,146
In Donald Trump's trial,
417
00:21:20,146 --> 00:21:22,666
the first witness was the editor
of the National Enquirer,
418
00:21:22,666 --> 00:21:26,266
who ran a story claiming one
of Trump's Republican opponents...
419
00:21:29,266 --> 00:21:31,186
..although later it turned out
Grassy Knoll
420
00:21:31,186 --> 00:21:34,386
was just the name of
another porn star.
421
00:21:34,386 --> 00:21:36,706
I know her!
422
00:21:36,706 --> 00:21:39,346
OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
423
00:21:39,346 --> 00:21:43,186
BUZZER
424
00:21:43,186 --> 00:21:46,066
Bees can do things underwater that
people didn't know they could do.
425
00:21:46,066 --> 00:21:48,666
Correct. This is the news
that bees can survive underwater.
426
00:21:48,666 --> 00:21:51,306
How did scientists find this out?
427
00:21:51,306 --> 00:21:53,946
They put some bees into water,
came back a week later
428
00:21:53,946 --> 00:21:55,386
and the bees were still alive.
429
00:21:55,386 --> 00:21:57,906
"Blimey,
these bees can live underwater!"
430
00:21:57,906 --> 00:22:00,306
Uncannily accurate. Researchers at
the University of Guelph in Canada
431
00:22:00,306 --> 00:22:03,426
were conducting
an experiment on bees... Yeah.
432
00:22:03,426 --> 00:22:05,746
..when a mishap meant they...
433
00:22:09,506 --> 00:22:12,706
But, happily,
the bee survived the mistake.
434
00:22:12,706 --> 00:22:15,826
And there was, of course, concern
that this was a super bee... Yeah.
435
00:22:15,826 --> 00:22:19,146
..so how did they find out that the
bee survivor wasn't just a fluke?
436
00:22:19,146 --> 00:22:20,346
They waterboarded more of them?
437
00:22:20,346 --> 00:22:22,306
"Where's the honey? Tell us!"
438
00:22:22,306 --> 00:22:23,866
LAUGHTER
439
00:22:23,866 --> 00:22:27,306
Indeed they did. They drowned
some more bees just to make sure.
440
00:22:27,306 --> 00:22:30,226
They're monsters!
According to The Telegraph,
441
00:22:30,226 --> 00:22:33,586
147 bees were exposed to various
levels of water for up to a week.
442
00:22:33,586 --> 00:22:37,666
Here's a handy diagram.
443
00:22:37,666 --> 00:22:39,306
There you go.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
444
00:22:40,626 --> 00:22:42,066
Over 80% of the bees exposed
445
00:22:42,066 --> 00:22:45,346
to the harshest conditions survived.
446
00:22:45,346 --> 00:22:48,986
But how do the bees manage to
survive underwater for so long?
447
00:22:48,986 --> 00:22:51,146
Scuba gear.
448
00:22:51,146 --> 00:22:53,346
Very, very tiny snorkel. Minute.
449
00:22:53,346 --> 00:22:57,906
Well, the author of the study, a...
450
00:22:57,906 --> 00:22:59,706
LAUGHTER
No way. No way.
451
00:22:59,706 --> 00:23:03,066
..described how when underground
or in low oxygen environments,
452
00:23:03,066 --> 00:23:05,706
bees can enter a sort of...
453
00:23:08,146 --> 00:23:09,786
Nice.
454
00:23:09,786 --> 00:23:11,626
LAUGHTER
455
00:23:11,626 --> 00:23:13,546
Dr Raine said that...
456
00:23:20,626 --> 00:23:22,906
That's like Liz Truss, isn't it?
LAUGHTER
457
00:23:22,906 --> 00:23:25,546
We could try keeping her underwater
for a week, couldn't we?
458
00:23:25,546 --> 00:23:27,706
See what happens.
See what happens, yeah.
459
00:23:27,706 --> 00:23:30,546
Time now for the Missing Words Round
which this week also includes
460
00:23:30,546 --> 00:23:32,826
some tips taken from my website.
461
00:23:32,826 --> 00:23:36,466
IAN LAUGHS
462
00:23:36,466 --> 00:23:39,066
That's very stupid. Normally, we
take a very boring magazine and...
463
00:23:39,066 --> 00:23:40,946
Thank you very much.
464
00:23:40,946 --> 00:23:43,466
LAUGHTER
465
00:23:43,466 --> 00:23:45,426
15 million monthly users. Yeah.
466
00:23:45,426 --> 00:23:47,226
LAUGHTER
467
00:23:47,226 --> 00:23:48,546
Ahem.
468
00:23:48,546 --> 00:23:50,026
No-one likes a show-off.
469
00:23:50,026 --> 00:23:52,746
15 million people do.
470
00:23:52,746 --> 00:23:57,746
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
471
00:23:59,986 --> 00:24:01,026
And we start with...
472
00:24:01,026 --> 00:24:01,866
IGNACIO: Work for another 25 years.
473
00:24:04,266 --> 00:24:07,666
IGNACIO: Work for another 25 years.
474
00:24:07,666 --> 00:24:08,706
LAUGHTER
475
00:24:08,706 --> 00:24:10,626
IAN: I do hope so!
476
00:24:10,626 --> 00:24:14,946
PAUL: Waste your time watching
the Martin Lewis website.
477
00:24:14,946 --> 00:24:19,066
Joining 15 million other losers.
478
00:24:19,066 --> 00:24:20,266
That's your credit rating fucked.
479
00:24:20,266 --> 00:24:22,626
LAUGHTER
480
00:24:22,626 --> 00:24:27,626
The gloves are off. Here we go.
481
00:24:29,146 --> 00:24:30,586
The correct answer is...
482
00:24:35,786 --> 00:24:37,906
To claim the discount,
which is only on Tuesdays,
483
00:24:37,906 --> 00:24:40,986
you have to show a valid
proof of old age. Such as...
484
00:24:44,586 --> 00:24:48,306
Failing that, a hardback copy
of the latest Richard Osman.
485
00:24:48,306 --> 00:24:50,786
LAUGHTER
486
00:24:50,786 --> 00:24:52,786
"100 million people can't be wrong."
487
00:24:52,786 --> 00:24:55,786
LAUGHTER
488
00:24:55,786 --> 00:25:00,306
That's your literary rating gone.
489
00:25:00,306 --> 00:25:02,026
LAUGHTER
490
00:25:02,026 --> 00:25:07,026
APPLAUSE
491
00:25:08,026 --> 00:25:09,386
Next one.
492
00:25:09,386 --> 00:25:10,466
IAN: Your website. PAUL: Yeah.
493
00:25:13,026 --> 00:25:15,506
IAN: Your website. PAUL: Yeah.
494
00:25:15,506 --> 00:25:17,106
LAUGHTER
495
00:25:17,106 --> 00:25:20,746
IGNACIO: Is it -
counting themselves?
496
00:25:20,746 --> 00:25:23,826
The answer is...
497
00:25:26,226 --> 00:25:28,866
Farmers in Norfolk have discovered
that spraying rams with Lynx Africa
498
00:25:28,866 --> 00:25:31,266
masks the hormones
that make them want to butt heads.
499
00:25:31,266 --> 00:25:36,266
If they want to agitate them,
they use Lynx Gravy And Mint.
500
00:25:36,986 --> 00:25:37,266
Next...
501
00:25:41,666 --> 00:25:43,666
PAUL: Watching
the Martin Lewis website.
502
00:25:43,666 --> 00:25:46,746
Whistling. Singing.
IGNACIO: Drinking.
503
00:25:46,746 --> 00:25:48,946
STEPH: Eating ice cream.
504
00:25:48,946 --> 00:25:52,746
Oh, is it? Well done.
505
00:25:52,746 --> 00:25:55,386
Plans by Milan Council to curb noise
after midnight could mean
506
00:25:55,386 --> 00:25:57,226
ice cream sellers
have to close earlier.
507
00:25:57,226 --> 00:26:00,186
Fair enough, it's no fun
when you're trying to sleep
508
00:26:00,186 --> 00:26:02,386
and you suddenly hear
a drunken English tourist going...
509
00:26:02,386 --> 00:26:05,106
LOUDLY: # Just one Cornetto. #
510
00:26:05,106 --> 00:26:06,306
LAUGHTER
511
00:26:06,306 --> 00:26:09,746
Don't know
what you're all laughing at.
512
00:26:09,746 --> 00:26:12,546
Where the hell did that come from?
513
00:26:12,546 --> 00:26:15,906
The diaphragm, darling.
514
00:26:15,906 --> 00:26:17,586
And finally...
515
00:26:22,426 --> 00:26:23,466
PAUL: Sausages, wellington boots
516
00:26:23,466 --> 00:26:26,346
and virginity.
517
00:26:26,346 --> 00:26:27,666
LAUGHTER
518
00:26:27,666 --> 00:26:30,546
STEPH: Is it - the lion,
the witch and the wardrobe? Yes!
519
00:26:30,546 --> 00:26:32,506
Gotta be.
520
00:26:37,266 --> 00:26:39,186
For some people that's a night out.
521
00:26:39,186 --> 00:26:41,866
LAUGHTER
522
00:26:41,866 --> 00:26:44,226
This is actually the survey
of Uber drivers in America.
523
00:26:44,226 --> 00:26:47,626
Some of the items included...
524
00:26:49,866 --> 00:26:51,746
LAUGHTER
525
00:26:51,746 --> 00:26:55,426
Now, you would have thought Donald
Trump would have used his own car.
526
00:26:55,426 --> 00:26:58,266
What's a frontal toupee?
Is that like a merkin? No!
527
00:26:58,266 --> 00:27:01,906
She ran Germany for a while,
Angela Merkin.
528
00:27:01,906 --> 00:27:06,906
LAUGHTER
529
00:27:07,666 --> 00:27:09,066
So the final scores are -
530
00:27:09,066 --> 00:27:11,706
Ian and Ignacio have 3
531
00:27:11,706 --> 00:27:15,146
but Paul and Steph have 7.
532
00:27:15,146 --> 00:27:16,986
That's amazing! Well done.
533
00:27:16,986 --> 00:27:19,626
DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE
534
00:27:19,626 --> 00:27:23,346
But before we go, there's just time
for the caption competition.
535
00:27:23,346 --> 00:27:26,226
OK, is the Dalek saying, "Well,
I'm still bent on world domination,
536
00:27:26,226 --> 00:27:27,666
"this is just a Saturday job"?
537
00:27:27,666 --> 00:27:30,546
LAUGHTER
538
00:27:30,546 --> 00:27:34,546
Or, "Order what you like,
I can only carry one plate."
539
00:27:34,546 --> 00:27:36,706
LAUGHTER
540
00:27:36,706 --> 00:27:39,106
On that note, we say thank you
to our panellists,
541
00:27:39,106 --> 00:27:43,306
Ian Hislop and Ignacio Lopez,
Paul Merton and Steph McGovern.
542
00:27:43,306 --> 00:27:44,986
And I leave you with news that
543
00:27:44,986 --> 00:27:47,106
there's an awkward moment
for one US Army officer
544
00:27:47,106 --> 00:27:48,666
as they're greeted with the words,
545
00:27:48,666 --> 00:27:52,266
"Pleased to meet you,
Colonel Gaddafi."
546
00:27:52,266 --> 00:27:54,866
LAUGHTER
547
00:27:54,866 --> 00:27:56,986
Following complaints about
the standard of food in hospitals,
548
00:27:56,986 --> 00:27:58,826
the NHS hires contractors
549
00:27:58,826 --> 00:28:03,826
to break the skin on the kitchen's
vat of rice pudding.
550
00:28:07,146 --> 00:28:10,026
And at a G7 press conference,
in front of the world's media,
551
00:28:10,026 --> 00:28:12,186
one representative really regrets
having a second helping
552
00:28:12,186 --> 00:28:16,306
of the three-bean salad.
553
00:28:22,306 --> 00:28:23,346
Goodnight, thank you!
554
00:28:23,346 --> 00:28:28,346
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE