1 00:00:04,066 --> 00:00:09,066 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:26,146 --> 00:00:31,146 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 3 00:00:39,106 --> 00:00:41,506 Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. 4 00:00:41,506 --> 00:00:44,626 I'm Martin Lewis. In the news this week... 5 00:00:44,626 --> 00:00:46,786 James May has rebuffed claims that the latest series 6 00:00:46,786 --> 00:00:50,226 of The Grand Tour has run out of steam. 7 00:00:57,706 --> 00:01:00,466 Ahead of next week's local elections, 8 00:01:00,466 --> 00:01:04,186 the Reform Party campaign bus pulls into Blackpool. 9 00:01:13,906 --> 00:01:16,546 And on Gardeners' World, Monty Don realises it may be time 10 00:01:16,546 --> 00:01:21,546 to clean off the slimy green algae from his decking. 11 00:01:27,106 --> 00:01:29,506 On Ian's team tonight is a comedian whose latest show 12 00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:33,226 is about his love of the US rock band Nine Inch Nails, 13 00:01:33,226 --> 00:01:36,466 which has attracted a lot of their fans to his gigs. 14 00:01:36,466 --> 00:01:40,906 Sadly, though, half of them are hammered. 15 00:01:40,906 --> 00:01:43,386 Please welcome Ignacio Lopez! 16 00:01:43,386 --> 00:01:48,426 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 17 00:01:51,146 --> 00:01:53,746 On Paul's team tonight is a presenter who hosts a podcast 18 00:01:53,746 --> 00:01:55,666 with Robert Peston called The Rest Is Money. 19 00:01:55,666 --> 00:01:57,106 Other money based podcasts are available. 20 00:01:57,106 --> 00:01:58,186 LAUGHTER 21 00:01:58,186 --> 00:02:00,466 And better! 22 00:02:00,466 --> 00:02:04,026 Please welcome Steph McGovern. 23 00:02:04,026 --> 00:02:09,026 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 24 00:02:12,346 --> 00:02:14,506 but of course, if you ditch and switch later, 25 00:02:14,506 --> 00:02:15,946 you could save £6 a month! 26 00:02:15,946 --> 00:02:18,346 We begin with the bigger news stories of the week. 27 00:02:18,346 --> 00:02:19,386 Ian and Ignacio, 28 00:02:19,386 --> 00:02:22,786 have a look at this. 29 00:02:22,786 --> 00:02:26,146 IGNACIO: That's the last package holiday I went on. 30 00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:28,666 That's the bill. 31 00:02:28,666 --> 00:02:29,786 Just gone through. 32 00:02:29,786 --> 00:02:32,186 That's Fishy Rishi on a boat, there. That's great. Yeah. 33 00:02:32,186 --> 00:02:36,226 And that's him looking at the camera. 34 00:02:36,226 --> 00:02:37,666 Thinking, "Oh, no, it's the public! 35 00:02:37,666 --> 00:02:41,666 "I might have to meet them." 36 00:02:41,666 --> 00:02:44,546 Yes, this is Rishi Sunak's master plan to win the next election 37 00:02:44,546 --> 00:02:46,466 by appealing to traditional Tory voters, 38 00:02:46,466 --> 00:02:50,026 and it's falling into place perfectly. 39 00:02:50,026 --> 00:02:51,466 So let's just go through it. 40 00:02:51,466 --> 00:02:54,546 What is step one of Rishi's masterplan here? 41 00:02:54,546 --> 00:02:57,746 Lose election. 42 00:02:57,746 --> 00:03:00,146 This is the Safety of Rwanda Bill. It's passed, tick. 43 00:03:00,146 --> 00:03:02,146 Now they've finally got it through, 44 00:03:02,146 --> 00:03:04,066 so this policy that nobody seems to want 45 00:03:04,066 --> 00:03:09,066 and won't happen anyway, is officially now going to happen. 46 00:03:09,626 --> 00:03:11,026 They tried to do this before. 47 00:03:11,026 --> 00:03:13,906 I think they had 12 people on the flight heading over there, 48 00:03:13,906 --> 00:03:15,586 and I think it's a terrible policy, 49 00:03:15,586 --> 00:03:19,226 but that would have been great legroom. 50 00:03:19,226 --> 00:03:21,146 Yeah. He's been very careful with his words. 51 00:03:21,146 --> 00:03:23,066 He said the flights will definitely take off 52 00:03:23,066 --> 00:03:25,706 but he's not indicated whether there'll be anybody on them. Yeah. 53 00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,706 They originally said it'll be spring, 54 00:03:27,706 --> 00:03:31,546 and we seem to have moved spring to July now. 55 00:03:31,546 --> 00:03:33,946 The money, I thought was the best thing in this. 56 00:03:33,946 --> 00:03:36,586 It's £600 million total, 57 00:03:36,586 --> 00:03:40,906 which is £2 million per person on the flight. 58 00:03:40,906 --> 00:03:44,866 I mean, that's more than Ryanair, isn't it? 59 00:03:44,866 --> 00:03:48,466 Ryanair are trying to get in on the act on this, as well, aren't they? 60 00:03:48,466 --> 00:03:50,386 Because Michael O'Leary has come out and said 61 00:03:50,386 --> 00:03:52,546 that he'd be happy to quote for their flights. 62 00:03:52,546 --> 00:03:56,146 Surely these people have suffered enough! Oh, yeah, there is that! 63 00:03:56,146 --> 00:03:59,026 Because, you know, they'll get the bill and then it'll be like, 64 00:03:59,026 --> 00:04:02,386 "Oh, it's going to be extra if you want to breathe on the flight." 65 00:04:02,386 --> 00:04:04,546 Before you know, it'll be even bigger than that. 66 00:04:04,546 --> 00:04:07,186 When he was Chancellor, he said this is a terrible idea, 67 00:04:07,186 --> 00:04:10,066 so he's now putting through a bill that he didn't want anyway, 68 00:04:10,066 --> 00:04:11,946 was set up by Boris Johnson, remember him? 69 00:04:11,946 --> 00:04:12,986 LAUGHTER, SOME BOOING 70 00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:15,666 So much of what he did went so well! 71 00:04:15,666 --> 00:04:18,866 LAUGHTER 72 00:04:18,866 --> 00:04:23,026 And he thinks this is going to save him from defeat in the election. 73 00:04:23,026 --> 00:04:24,706 When they picked this place, though, 74 00:04:24,706 --> 00:04:26,386 couldn't they have picked any country that, 75 00:04:26,386 --> 00:04:28,546 when you type it into Google, doesn't auto correct 76 00:04:28,546 --> 00:04:32,666 to genocide immediately after it? 77 00:04:32,666 --> 00:04:34,786 And, embarrassingly, 78 00:04:34,786 --> 00:04:37,306 we have accepted asylum seekers in Britain from Rwanda 79 00:04:37,306 --> 00:04:39,226 on the grounds that it's not safe... 80 00:04:39,226 --> 00:04:41,666 ..there for them, so presumably, 81 00:04:41,666 --> 00:04:43,786 if we fly them over on the plane, 82 00:04:43,786 --> 00:04:47,986 then they can then apply for asylum in Britain and then come back again. 83 00:04:47,986 --> 00:04:50,386 Perhaps the plane should be on, like, a bungee rope 84 00:04:50,386 --> 00:04:52,906 so it just flies over then... goes back. 85 00:04:52,906 --> 00:04:55,426 That'd be the way to do it. 86 00:04:55,426 --> 00:04:57,546 I understand these things are complicated, which is why 87 00:04:57,546 --> 00:05:00,666 the BBC invested a substantial portion of licence fee money 88 00:05:00,666 --> 00:05:03,346 in a new explanatory analysis tool, 89 00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:07,546 which was presented by Chris Mason. 90 00:05:07,546 --> 00:05:11,506 But hang on - there are some Parliamentary shenanigans first. 91 00:05:11,506 --> 00:05:13,826 When a planned new law is very nearly there, 92 00:05:13,826 --> 00:05:16,666 here at Westminster, 93 00:05:16,666 --> 00:05:18,466 but there is a disagreement 94 00:05:18,466 --> 00:05:21,706 between the House of Commons and the House of Lords, 95 00:05:21,706 --> 00:05:24,586 we enter something known here as ping-pong, 96 00:05:24,586 --> 00:05:27,226 when the idea pings and pongs between the Commons and Lords, 97 00:05:27,226 --> 00:05:31,306 potentially over and over again, until they agree. 98 00:05:31,306 --> 00:05:34,426 It's difficult to understand the logic 99 00:05:34,426 --> 00:05:37,586 of pointing at a very small scale building 100 00:05:37,586 --> 00:05:41,306 of the building that you're sitting in front of. 101 00:05:41,306 --> 00:05:43,946 So how is Rishi Sunak preparing to deal with the expected 102 00:05:43,946 --> 00:05:46,066 legal challenges to this? 103 00:05:46,066 --> 00:05:50,066 He said, "I've got judges waiting, I've got 25 courts." 104 00:05:50,066 --> 00:05:53,426 I mean, given that the rest of the judicial system has more or less 105 00:05:53,426 --> 00:05:56,506 come to a standstill, you can't get tried for anything, 106 00:05:56,506 --> 00:05:58,186 people are waiting, they've got three-year waits 107 00:05:58,186 --> 00:06:00,346 for really serious crimes, and then for this, 108 00:06:00,346 --> 00:06:04,786 suddenly we've got judges, we've got courts, we've got aeroplanes. 109 00:06:04,786 --> 00:06:09,546 Are you saying that normally you can't buy a judge for love or money? 110 00:06:09,546 --> 00:06:11,226 Sunak also said there would be 500... 111 00:06:11,226 --> 00:06:13,266 Is he "sun-ak"? 112 00:06:13,266 --> 00:06:15,586 Why is he suddenly Rishi "Sun-ak"? Has he...? 113 00:06:15,586 --> 00:06:19,986 Has he changed his name to be more sunshine and fun? 114 00:06:19,986 --> 00:06:20,986 Rishi also said... Yeah. 115 00:06:20,986 --> 00:06:24,306 ..there would be... 116 00:06:26,346 --> 00:06:30,066 ..to accompany detainees on their trip to Rwanda. 117 00:06:30,066 --> 00:06:31,746 What do you think they're trained in? 118 00:06:31,746 --> 00:06:32,866 Empathy. 119 00:06:32,866 --> 00:06:34,386 LAUGHTER 120 00:06:34,386 --> 00:06:36,946 Distributing packets of complimentary nuts? 121 00:06:36,946 --> 00:06:40,666 Are they security specialists? 122 00:06:40,666 --> 00:06:45,066 Are they members of G4S? 123 00:06:45,066 --> 00:06:49,426 Or are they security specialists? Yeah, I think... 124 00:06:49,426 --> 00:06:52,666 Back to Rishi's traditional Tory values master plan. 125 00:06:52,666 --> 00:06:54,306 What's phase two? 126 00:06:54,306 --> 00:06:58,066 LAUGHTER 127 00:06:58,066 --> 00:07:00,706 Are we releasing killer whales into the Channel? 128 00:07:00,706 --> 00:07:05,706 Back to basic Tory values. 129 00:07:06,466 --> 00:07:08,586 Oh! Sex in the office with drugs. 130 00:07:08,586 --> 00:07:13,586 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 131 00:07:16,666 --> 00:07:18,586 And phase three? 132 00:07:18,586 --> 00:07:22,066 What do you know about sex in the office with drugs, Ian? 133 00:07:22,066 --> 00:07:27,066 "More Ovaltine, my dear?" 134 00:07:27,146 --> 00:07:30,266 I'm thinking more of the, you know, well, the defence of the nation. 135 00:07:30,266 --> 00:07:32,866 We're increasing the defence budget. 136 00:07:32,866 --> 00:07:35,226 Yeah, by getting rid of some of the civil service. 137 00:07:35,226 --> 00:07:38,506 By deporting them to Rwanda. 138 00:07:38,506 --> 00:07:40,906 Yeah, he's announced on a visit to Poland 139 00:07:40,906 --> 00:07:45,826 an increase in defence spending from 2% to 2.5% of GDP. 140 00:07:45,826 --> 00:07:48,586 And this announcement was of course intended to wrong-foot Labour, 141 00:07:48,586 --> 00:07:52,226 so how has Keir Starmer been fighting back? 142 00:07:52,226 --> 00:07:55,426 By telling us all we need to be really patriotic. Yeah. 143 00:07:55,426 --> 00:07:57,826 I'm thinking more for the moment about the big announcement 144 00:07:57,826 --> 00:07:59,186 this week. Oh, the railways. 145 00:07:59,186 --> 00:08:01,986 No, he said he'd be prepared to press the nuclear button. 146 00:08:01,986 --> 00:08:06,986 If it made the railways run on time. 147 00:08:07,586 --> 00:08:08,746 With a nuclear explosion, 148 00:08:08,746 --> 00:08:12,546 you could get from Paddington to Leeds in ten minutes. 149 00:08:12,546 --> 00:08:15,746 Don't buy a return. 150 00:08:15,746 --> 00:08:18,386 Is that what you were thinking of? No, I was more 151 00:08:18,386 --> 00:08:20,306 re-nationalise the railways. That's where we were going, 152 00:08:20,306 --> 00:08:23,186 roughly, on that particular one. Oh, OK. And what I'd like to... 153 00:08:23,186 --> 00:08:25,586 How do you think that's going to affect normal travellers? 154 00:08:25,586 --> 00:08:27,266 It'll make things better, I would guess. 155 00:08:27,266 --> 00:08:29,866 I'm genuinely in credit on my, you know Delay Repay? Yeah. 156 00:08:29,866 --> 00:08:31,946 Like, cos every single train is always late. 157 00:08:31,946 --> 00:08:34,826 You can't rely on it, can you? Labour want to bring in 158 00:08:34,826 --> 00:08:37,466 automatic Delay Repay, though, don't they? Where you don't have to 159 00:08:37,466 --> 00:08:39,866 do anything and then you get it. IGNACIO: Sounds good. 160 00:08:39,866 --> 00:08:42,746 They do want to bring that in, although how that would work 161 00:08:42,746 --> 00:08:44,186 with cash-based purchases, I don't know. 162 00:08:44,186 --> 00:08:46,346 Well, when was the last time anyone used cash? 163 00:08:46,346 --> 00:08:48,026 Lots of older people still use cash... 164 00:08:48,026 --> 00:08:49,946 Yeah, they've got to bribe the Tories somehow! 165 00:08:49,946 --> 00:08:51,626 They've got to give them, you know... 166 00:08:51,626 --> 00:08:54,546 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 167 00:08:54,546 --> 00:08:56,026 You mentioned earlier that Keir Starmer 168 00:08:56,026 --> 00:08:58,786 also wanted to be patriotic. How did he do that? 169 00:08:58,786 --> 00:09:01,426 He wrote to all the Labour candidates for the upcoming election 170 00:09:01,426 --> 00:09:04,826 and said they needed to be dead enthusiastic 171 00:09:04,826 --> 00:09:09,146 and wave the flag and all of that kind of thing. 172 00:09:09,146 --> 00:09:11,986 St George's Day is not St Patrick's Day, is it? Come on. 173 00:09:11,986 --> 00:09:14,266 There's no downing Guinness, wearing a leprechaun hat, 174 00:09:14,266 --> 00:09:17,106 getting jiggy in the local Irish centre, you know, 175 00:09:17,106 --> 00:09:18,826 there's none of that, is there? 176 00:09:18,826 --> 00:09:22,666 Well, if you come to our village, you know... 177 00:09:22,666 --> 00:09:24,826 Tell me, what you do in your village, Ian? 178 00:09:24,826 --> 00:09:26,986 There's a huge amount of cider, Morris dancing... 179 00:09:26,986 --> 00:09:31,546 I recite the complete works of Shakespeare... 180 00:09:31,546 --> 00:09:35,506 And there's a re-enactment of the repeal of the Corn Laws. 181 00:09:35,506 --> 00:09:39,106 Did you see Lee Anderthal, as I always...? No. 182 00:09:39,106 --> 00:09:41,986 He did a thing about St George's Day and he said how 183 00:09:41,986 --> 00:09:44,386 he was incredibly proud, and he had St George's cufflinks, 184 00:09:44,386 --> 00:09:48,226 and he said, "This is one in the eye for all you lot of avocado eating 185 00:09:48,226 --> 00:09:50,506 "Palestinian flag wavers." And I was thinking, 186 00:09:50,506 --> 00:09:53,746 St George came from Palestine! 187 00:09:53,746 --> 00:09:56,586 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 188 00:09:56,586 --> 00:10:01,546 He kicked off about the England shirts 189 00:10:01,546 --> 00:10:04,746 and the back of the collar being purple, and saying, 190 00:10:04,746 --> 00:10:07,306 "You don't change it purple! How dare you, you know, 191 00:10:07,306 --> 00:10:09,866 "disrespect the flag by changing it and making it purple?" 192 00:10:09,866 --> 00:10:12,026 I was thinking, I grew up in Majorca, right, 193 00:10:12,026 --> 00:10:14,906 I saw plenty of St George's tattoos turn purple in my time! 194 00:10:14,906 --> 00:10:19,906 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 195 00:10:22,306 --> 00:10:23,746 But he isn't the only one. 196 00:10:23,746 --> 00:10:26,146 Keir Starmer tried to reclaim the flag of St George 197 00:10:26,146 --> 00:10:29,106 on St George's Day, claiming that Labour is... 198 00:10:31,746 --> 00:10:33,706 ..while wearing trainers. 199 00:10:34,466 --> 00:10:35,946 There you go. 200 00:10:35,946 --> 00:10:38,386 Now, I'm sure you've spotted, Ian, they're Gazelles rather than Sambas. 201 00:10:38,866 --> 00:10:42,546 Keir Starmer explained that... They're what?! 202 00:10:42,546 --> 00:10:45,546 Ian, have you ever worn trainers before? 203 00:10:45,546 --> 00:10:49,066 How dare you? 204 00:10:49,066 --> 00:10:51,946 Keir Starmer explained that he might be asked to kick a football 205 00:10:51,946 --> 00:10:55,066 for a publicity stunt, so he didn't want to wear his normal footwear, 206 00:10:55,066 --> 00:10:56,106 which is understandable. 207 00:10:58,546 --> 00:11:00,786 Can we close in on that? Can we have a look at his feet? 208 00:11:02,746 --> 00:11:05,706 They look a bit like horses' hooves, don't they? 209 00:11:05,706 --> 00:11:08,266 He's not a centaur, is he? 210 00:11:08,266 --> 00:11:11,146 They've kept that quiet! Never mind Angela Rayner, half man, half horse? 211 00:11:11,146 --> 00:11:15,546 According to the latest Gallup poll... Gallop poll! Yes! 212 00:11:15,546 --> 00:11:17,466 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Gallup poll... Gallop poll! Yes! 213 00:11:17,466 --> 00:11:19,666 Brilliant! Gallup poll... Gallop poll! Yes! 214 00:11:19,666 --> 00:11:22,906 Shall we move on with a little bit of Irish politics now? Yes! 215 00:11:22,906 --> 00:11:26,186 Are you aware of the factions within the Irish National Party? 216 00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:28,706 No. 217 00:11:28,706 --> 00:11:30,426 LAUGHTER 218 00:11:30,426 --> 00:11:31,866 Well, nationalist organisations tend to generate 219 00:11:31,866 --> 00:11:34,666 a lot of acrimonious in-fighting. 220 00:11:34,666 --> 00:11:37,306 Here is the new party leader, Justin Barrett, explaining 221 00:11:37,306 --> 00:11:42,306 why he had appointed his rival, James Reynolds, as his deputy. 222 00:11:44,386 --> 00:11:47,226 As he referred to himself, I had no respect for his intellect. 223 00:11:47,226 --> 00:11:48,866 No, I did not! 224 00:11:48,866 --> 00:11:51,546 I have never had any respect for Mr Reynolds's intellect. 225 00:11:51,546 --> 00:11:54,706 And you say to yourself, 226 00:11:54,706 --> 00:11:57,826 "Well, if you didn't have any respect for Mr Reynolds's intellect, 227 00:11:57,826 --> 00:12:00,706 "why did you make him the deputy leader of the National Party?" 228 00:12:00,706 --> 00:12:03,426 Precisely because I had no respect for his intellectual ability, 229 00:12:03,426 --> 00:12:05,706 and therefore thought he was a malleable individual, 230 00:12:05,706 --> 00:12:08,026 and therefore thought in practical terms 231 00:12:08,026 --> 00:12:10,826 that control of the National Party was entirely in my hands 232 00:12:10,826 --> 00:12:13,946 and would continue to be entirely in my hands and was entirely safe 233 00:12:13,946 --> 00:12:17,346 because James Reynolds was too stupid to do anything about it! 234 00:12:17,346 --> 00:12:22,346 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 235 00:12:25,346 --> 00:12:27,906 Refreshing burst of honesty there. STEPH: Yeah. 236 00:12:27,906 --> 00:12:30,586 He looks like he should be a commentator on horse racing 237 00:12:30,586 --> 00:12:32,506 or something, doesn't he? With that...that animation! 238 00:12:32,506 --> 00:12:35,146 This is the news that in a surprising historical reversal, 239 00:12:35,146 --> 00:12:38,746 Britain is about to start rounding people up against their will 240 00:12:38,746 --> 00:12:42,346 and shipping them to Africa. 241 00:12:42,346 --> 00:12:44,506 The Rwandan scheme is proving quite expensive. 242 00:12:44,506 --> 00:12:48,706 It's currently projected to have a base cost of 243 00:12:51,586 --> 00:12:55,266 But on top of that, there is an additional charge of... 244 00:12:59,946 --> 00:13:01,186 Although I've looked into this 245 00:13:01,186 --> 00:13:05,346 and they can get £25 off that if they use a voucher code. 246 00:13:05,346 --> 00:13:08,346 I've managed to source this one. 247 00:13:09,786 --> 00:13:14,786 LAUGHTER 248 00:13:15,226 --> 00:13:17,346 At the start of the week, Rishi Sunak insisted... 249 00:13:17,346 --> 00:13:20,226 Who is he? Who is he? 250 00:13:20,226 --> 00:13:21,346 Who is Rishi "Sun-ak"? 251 00:13:21,346 --> 00:13:25,386 I think he's a cross between a sunbed and an anorak. 252 00:13:30,066 --> 00:13:31,986 Quite a claim. May I suggest, Prime Minister, 253 00:13:31,986 --> 00:13:33,466 you ensure they are ATOL protected, 254 00:13:33,466 --> 00:13:36,786 you pay for it on a credit card so you have Section 75 protection, 255 00:13:36,786 --> 00:13:38,946 and of course, you pay it off 256 00:13:38,946 --> 00:13:40,386 IN full! 257 00:13:40,386 --> 00:13:42,386 AUDIENCE: In full! 258 00:13:42,386 --> 00:13:43,426 Bit weak. 259 00:13:43,426 --> 00:13:44,626 Why are they doing that? 260 00:13:44,626 --> 00:13:49,626 I think he's trying to turn it into a catchphrase. 261 00:13:49,906 --> 00:13:53,226 I've had that the last 15 years, it works. Just on a different channel. 262 00:13:53,226 --> 00:13:54,746 AUDIENCE: Oooh! 263 00:13:54,746 --> 00:13:55,786 Which one's that? 264 00:13:55,786 --> 00:13:59,346 He can't remember. 265 00:13:59,346 --> 00:14:01,306 Paul and Steph, take a look at this. 266 00:14:02,106 --> 00:14:03,826 Ah, yes, this is the lovely story, 267 00:14:03,826 --> 00:14:05,786 the little boy and the seagulls. 268 00:14:05,786 --> 00:14:08,426 Oh, that was me on a hen do! Was it? Yeah. 269 00:14:08,426 --> 00:14:10,586 There's the natural enemy, the OAP and the seagull. 270 00:14:10,586 --> 00:14:12,506 Yes, there's a boy who's won a competition 271 00:14:12,506 --> 00:14:15,106 for impersonating seagulls, 272 00:14:15,106 --> 00:14:18,186 and he does a very, very good impersonation of a seagull. 273 00:14:18,186 --> 00:14:19,546 Indeed, quite correct. That's right, yeah. 274 00:14:19,546 --> 00:14:21,826 What is it, just the sound? STEPH: Yeah. 275 00:14:21,826 --> 00:14:23,506 No, he doesn't fly around the room! 276 00:14:23,506 --> 00:14:26,666 What you mean, is it just the sound? You said it was impressive! 277 00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:29,746 But he dresses up as a seagull. Yeah, he flies out the window 278 00:14:29,746 --> 00:14:32,146 and nicks people's chips from a height of ten feet. 279 00:14:32,146 --> 00:14:35,266 He dresses up as the seagull as well, though. Yeah. Does he? 280 00:14:35,266 --> 00:14:38,146 Yeah, he does, yeah. It's not just any old competition. No, exactly. 281 00:14:38,146 --> 00:14:40,866 He won the European finals! European... Yeah. 282 00:14:40,866 --> 00:14:42,426 I'm impressed! Yeah! 283 00:14:42,426 --> 00:14:44,346 What have you ever won, Ian? Come on! 284 00:14:44,346 --> 00:14:46,266 Yeah, you're right. 285 00:14:46,266 --> 00:14:48,546 Hearts of the nation! Oh, yeah. 286 00:14:48,546 --> 00:14:52,266 In a raffle. 287 00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:54,466 Cooper Wallace beat 56 other competitors in the... 288 00:14:54,466 --> 00:14:55,906 Yeah. Let's listen. 289 00:14:58,546 --> 00:15:00,666 Yeah. Let's listen. 290 00:15:00,666 --> 00:15:01,826 Three, two, one. 291 00:15:01,826 --> 00:15:03,106 MAKES SEAGULL IMPRESSION 292 00:15:03,106 --> 00:15:08,106 CROWD CHEERS 293 00:15:10,306 --> 00:15:12,586 Cooper! 294 00:15:12,586 --> 00:15:17,106 Can you do other emotions? 295 00:15:17,106 --> 00:15:18,826 Um, a seagull that is hungry? Yeah. 296 00:15:18,826 --> 00:15:23,826 MAKES SEAGULL IMPRESSION 297 00:15:24,106 --> 00:15:25,906 INDISTINCT CHATTER 298 00:15:25,906 --> 00:15:27,146 Now, the jury... 299 00:15:27,146 --> 00:15:31,506 17, 19, 19, 18 and 19! 300 00:15:31,506 --> 00:15:36,506 CHEERING 301 00:15:37,666 --> 00:15:40,866 That is brilliant. Very good. APPLAUSE 302 00:15:40,866 --> 00:15:43,186 Do any of you do any impressions at all? 303 00:15:43,186 --> 00:15:45,826 I can do The Godfather, actually. The Godfather? Yeah. OK. Yeah. 304 00:15:45,826 --> 00:15:48,906 AS CORLEONE: "You come here on the day of my daughter's funeral." 305 00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:52,106 Funeral?! 306 00:15:52,106 --> 00:15:56,146 Oh, yeah, it was a wedding! I love the remix of the movie! 307 00:15:56,146 --> 00:15:57,546 APPLAUSE 308 00:15:57,546 --> 00:15:59,706 Here's one for you they told me to play. 309 00:15:59,706 --> 00:16:02,826 The name's Bond. Bank and Building Society Bond. 310 00:16:02,826 --> 00:16:06,546 And if you like your investments neither shaken nor shtirred, 311 00:16:06,546 --> 00:16:09,546 I'm licensed to bill! 312 00:16:09,546 --> 00:16:12,066 Is that you? Let's move on. 313 00:16:12,066 --> 00:16:14,346 LAUGHTER 314 00:16:14,346 --> 00:16:17,626 What was that for? Let's move on. 315 00:16:17,626 --> 00:16:21,186 It looks like a hostage video. 316 00:16:21,186 --> 00:16:22,186 Staying with children, 317 00:16:22,186 --> 00:16:23,906 what has turned 100 this week? 318 00:16:23,906 --> 00:16:25,786 Oh, the BBC's programmes for children, 319 00:16:25,786 --> 00:16:28,186 educational programmes for children. It was first started in, er, 320 00:16:28,186 --> 00:16:31,426 well, it must have been 1924. It was indeed. 321 00:16:31,426 --> 00:16:34,066 Here is one of the earliest programmes to be broadcast. Yes. 322 00:16:34,066 --> 00:16:38,466 A preposition is a word composed of "position" and "pre" - 323 00:16:38,466 --> 00:16:42,466 which means before. In other words, pre-position. 324 00:16:42,466 --> 00:16:45,906 Prepositions are in a position before the nouns. 325 00:16:45,906 --> 00:16:49,666 Now, all these prepositions are at the end of the sentences. 326 00:16:49,666 --> 00:16:51,826 There are pedantic grammarians who sometimes object to this 327 00:16:51,826 --> 00:16:54,186 but there's no harm, really, in using prepositions 328 00:16:54,186 --> 00:16:57,306 at the end of a sentence in order to make conversation. 329 00:16:57,306 --> 00:16:58,386 Is that you, Ian? 330 00:16:58,386 --> 00:17:00,786 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 331 00:17:00,786 --> 00:17:04,986 Could be. Could be. 332 00:17:04,986 --> 00:17:08,266 POSH ACCENT: Well, I think the diction's a little too casual. 333 00:17:08,266 --> 00:17:13,266 LAUGHTER 334 00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:15,906 This is the news that nine-year-old Brit Cooper Wallace 335 00:17:15,906 --> 00:17:19,786 has won the European Seagull Screeching Championships. 336 00:17:19,786 --> 00:17:22,186 Cooper Wallace's total immersion in the role of a seagull 337 00:17:22,186 --> 00:17:25,746 wowed the panel, leading him to a score of... 338 00:17:28,626 --> 00:17:31,026 ..dropping two of those marks for eating a cigarette butt 339 00:17:31,026 --> 00:17:36,066 and a further six for shitting on a judge's head. 340 00:17:36,746 --> 00:17:39,386 The BBC is, of course, looking to attract a younger audience 341 00:17:39,386 --> 00:17:43,146 and what's cooler than a money saving expert 342 00:17:43,146 --> 00:17:45,986 hosting a topical news quiz? Hey, kids, put down that vape 343 00:17:45,986 --> 00:17:48,866 and let's jam on the fact that since the 6th of April 344 00:17:48,866 --> 00:17:52,466 you can now open two cash ISAs in a tax year and not just one. 345 00:17:52,466 --> 00:17:54,906 Can you really? Yes. 346 00:17:54,906 --> 00:17:59,906 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 347 00:18:00,706 --> 00:18:02,746 Still to a maximum of £20,000, though. Ugh! 348 00:18:02,746 --> 00:18:04,666 But you can have them in separate places. 349 00:18:04,666 --> 00:18:06,666 We'll talk later. Yeah. 350 00:18:06,666 --> 00:18:09,666 And now to round two. It's time for the Randomizer Of News. 351 00:18:09,666 --> 00:18:11,586 Fingers on the buzzers, teams. 352 00:18:11,586 --> 00:18:12,466 JAUNTY JINGLE 353 00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:15,626 BELL 354 00:18:15,626 --> 00:18:17,306 That is the horrifying thing I see 355 00:18:17,306 --> 00:18:20,066 when I've taken the wrong medication before I go to sleep. 356 00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:24,586 Is it Joe Biden? It is indeed. He's managed to pass a bill through 357 00:18:24,586 --> 00:18:28,546 to give more funding aid to Ukraine. 358 00:18:28,546 --> 00:18:32,426 Yeah, this is the news that a $61 billion US aid package to Ukraine 359 00:18:32,426 --> 00:18:35,986 has finally been agreed. Why has it taken so long to be signed off? 360 00:18:35,986 --> 00:18:39,186 He lost his cheque book. 361 00:18:39,186 --> 00:18:40,866 The Republicans didn't want it, did they? 362 00:18:40,866 --> 00:18:43,026 So he had to sort of win them over. 363 00:18:43,026 --> 00:18:46,946 112 Republicans voted against the aid package. 364 00:18:46,946 --> 00:18:50,266 Let's go on to talk about Joe Biden's Uncle Ambrose. 365 00:18:50,266 --> 00:18:54,826 What claim about him made by his nephew is being disputed? 366 00:18:54,826 --> 00:18:56,266 He didn't invent the rice pudding. 367 00:18:56,266 --> 00:18:58,426 LAUGHTER 368 00:18:58,426 --> 00:19:01,266 No, this is that Joe Biden said this week his uncle's plane 369 00:19:01,266 --> 00:19:03,226 had been shot down during World War II 370 00:19:03,226 --> 00:19:05,386 and that he had then been eaten by cannibals 371 00:19:05,386 --> 00:19:07,546 on what is now Papua New Guinea. 372 00:19:07,546 --> 00:19:11,186 What?! 373 00:19:11,186 --> 00:19:13,626 How has the President of Papua New Guinea reacted? 374 00:19:13,626 --> 00:19:15,826 "We didn't have any anti-aircraft guns at the time." 375 00:19:15,826 --> 00:19:19,546 According to the Daily Star... Oh, well, there we are. 376 00:19:19,546 --> 00:19:24,546 ..the President of Papua New Guinea wants to make it clear that... 377 00:19:25,586 --> 00:19:28,226 LAUGHTER 378 00:19:28,226 --> 00:19:32,026 Which is indeed true, as his uncle's plane ditched in the ocean. 379 00:19:32,026 --> 00:19:34,906 Now, Biden's got form in this area. Do you know anything else 380 00:19:34,906 --> 00:19:38,586 that President Biden has said that's turned out not to be true? 381 00:19:38,586 --> 00:19:40,986 He couldn't remember the name of Hamas. 382 00:19:40,986 --> 00:19:43,786 I think he thought it was Hummus. 383 00:19:43,786 --> 00:19:47,506 It's just a "tahini" problem. 384 00:19:47,506 --> 00:19:50,506 GROANING AND LAUGHTER 385 00:19:50,506 --> 00:19:53,346 Meanwhile, in a New York courtroom, why is Donald Trump's treatment 386 00:19:53,346 --> 00:19:56,946 being described as cruel and unusual? 387 00:19:56,946 --> 00:19:59,866 The judge is, I don't know, doing real cruel and unusual things, 388 00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:03,546 asking him to tell the truth... LAUGHTER 389 00:20:03,546 --> 00:20:06,906 Nothing but the truth. Nothing but the truth. Let's find out. 390 00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:09,226 The guy needs exercise, he's usually golfing. 391 00:20:09,226 --> 00:20:11,866 And so you're going to put a man who's almost 80, 392 00:20:11,866 --> 00:20:14,986 sitting in a room like this, on his butt for all that time? 393 00:20:14,986 --> 00:20:18,066 It's not healthy. You know how big of a health nut I am. 394 00:20:18,066 --> 00:20:19,746 He needs sunlight. And he needs activity. 395 00:20:19,746 --> 00:20:21,906 He needs to be walking around, he needs action. 396 00:20:21,906 --> 00:20:25,186 It's really cruel and unusual punishment to make a man do that, 397 00:20:25,186 --> 00:20:29,386 and any time he moves, they threaten to throw him in prison. 398 00:20:29,386 --> 00:20:32,506 I like how he said that he needs sunlight. If that's the case, 399 00:20:32,506 --> 00:20:35,866 why has he got so much Ronseal on to protect him from the rain? 400 00:20:35,866 --> 00:20:37,186 Like, that makes no... LAUGHTER 401 00:20:37,186 --> 00:20:39,746 Steph, do you have some connection to the Trump trial? 402 00:20:39,746 --> 00:20:43,266 Oh, my God, is this you accusing me of being Stormy Daniels? 403 00:20:43,266 --> 00:20:47,306 This is the second time this has happened to me this week! 404 00:20:47,306 --> 00:20:49,266 First of all it was you, Ian... 405 00:20:49,266 --> 00:20:51,906 LAUGHTER 406 00:20:51,906 --> 00:20:53,826 You'll have to explain that encounter. 407 00:20:53,826 --> 00:20:56,226 LAUGHTER 408 00:20:56,226 --> 00:20:57,306 Ian didn't pay. 409 00:20:57,306 --> 00:21:02,306 OOHING AND LAUGHTER 410 00:21:02,386 --> 00:21:05,466 I thought it was mates' rates. Shall we have a look at this? 411 00:21:05,466 --> 00:21:08,146 Lovely clip of Private Eye there. 412 00:21:08,146 --> 00:21:11,506 But do you know what? So many people agree that I look like her 413 00:21:11,506 --> 00:21:13,906 so I should have cashed in on this, shouldn't I? 414 00:21:13,906 --> 00:21:15,466 Taken the hush money. Yeah, exactly. 415 00:21:16,426 --> 00:21:18,946 Maybe I did. 416 00:21:18,946 --> 00:21:20,146 In Donald Trump's trial, 417 00:21:20,146 --> 00:21:22,666 the first witness was the editor of the National Enquirer, 418 00:21:22,666 --> 00:21:26,266 who ran a story claiming one of Trump's Republican opponents... 419 00:21:29,266 --> 00:21:31,186 ..although later it turned out Grassy Knoll 420 00:21:31,186 --> 00:21:34,386 was just the name of another porn star. 421 00:21:34,386 --> 00:21:36,706 I know her! 422 00:21:36,706 --> 00:21:39,346 OK, fingers on buzzers, teams. 423 00:21:39,346 --> 00:21:43,186 BUZZER 424 00:21:43,186 --> 00:21:46,066 Bees can do things underwater that people didn't know they could do. 425 00:21:46,066 --> 00:21:48,666 Correct. This is the news that bees can survive underwater. 426 00:21:48,666 --> 00:21:51,306 How did scientists find this out? 427 00:21:51,306 --> 00:21:53,946 They put some bees into water, came back a week later 428 00:21:53,946 --> 00:21:55,386 and the bees were still alive. 429 00:21:55,386 --> 00:21:57,906 "Blimey, these bees can live underwater!" 430 00:21:57,906 --> 00:22:00,306 Uncannily accurate. Researchers at the University of Guelph in Canada 431 00:22:00,306 --> 00:22:03,426 were conducting an experiment on bees... Yeah. 432 00:22:03,426 --> 00:22:05,746 ..when a mishap meant they... 433 00:22:09,506 --> 00:22:12,706 But, happily, the bee survived the mistake. 434 00:22:12,706 --> 00:22:15,826 And there was, of course, concern that this was a super bee... Yeah. 435 00:22:15,826 --> 00:22:19,146 ..so how did they find out that the bee survivor wasn't just a fluke? 436 00:22:19,146 --> 00:22:20,346 They waterboarded more of them? 437 00:22:20,346 --> 00:22:22,306 "Where's the honey? Tell us!" 438 00:22:22,306 --> 00:22:23,866 LAUGHTER 439 00:22:23,866 --> 00:22:27,306 Indeed they did. They drowned some more bees just to make sure. 440 00:22:27,306 --> 00:22:30,226 They're monsters! According to The Telegraph, 441 00:22:30,226 --> 00:22:33,586 147 bees were exposed to various levels of water for up to a week. 442 00:22:33,586 --> 00:22:37,666 Here's a handy diagram. 443 00:22:37,666 --> 00:22:39,306 There you go. AUDIENCE: Aww! 444 00:22:40,626 --> 00:22:42,066 Over 80% of the bees exposed 445 00:22:42,066 --> 00:22:45,346 to the harshest conditions survived. 446 00:22:45,346 --> 00:22:48,986 But how do the bees manage to survive underwater for so long? 447 00:22:48,986 --> 00:22:51,146 Scuba gear. 448 00:22:51,146 --> 00:22:53,346 Very, very tiny snorkel. Minute. 449 00:22:53,346 --> 00:22:57,906 Well, the author of the study, a... 450 00:22:57,906 --> 00:22:59,706 LAUGHTER No way. No way. 451 00:22:59,706 --> 00:23:03,066 ..described how when underground or in low oxygen environments, 452 00:23:03,066 --> 00:23:05,706 bees can enter a sort of... 453 00:23:08,146 --> 00:23:09,786 Nice. 454 00:23:09,786 --> 00:23:11,626 LAUGHTER 455 00:23:11,626 --> 00:23:13,546 Dr Raine said that... 456 00:23:20,626 --> 00:23:22,906 That's like Liz Truss, isn't it? LAUGHTER 457 00:23:22,906 --> 00:23:25,546 We could try keeping her underwater for a week, couldn't we? 458 00:23:25,546 --> 00:23:27,706 See what happens. See what happens, yeah. 459 00:23:27,706 --> 00:23:30,546 Time now for the Missing Words Round which this week also includes 460 00:23:30,546 --> 00:23:32,826 some tips taken from my website. 461 00:23:32,826 --> 00:23:36,466 IAN LAUGHS 462 00:23:36,466 --> 00:23:39,066 That's very stupid. Normally, we take a very boring magazine and... 463 00:23:39,066 --> 00:23:40,946 Thank you very much. 464 00:23:40,946 --> 00:23:43,466 LAUGHTER 465 00:23:43,466 --> 00:23:45,426 15 million monthly users. Yeah. 466 00:23:45,426 --> 00:23:47,226 LAUGHTER 467 00:23:47,226 --> 00:23:48,546 Ahem. 468 00:23:48,546 --> 00:23:50,026 No-one likes a show-off. 469 00:23:50,026 --> 00:23:52,746 15 million people do. 470 00:23:52,746 --> 00:23:57,746 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 471 00:23:59,986 --> 00:24:01,026 And we start with... 472 00:24:01,026 --> 00:24:01,866 IGNACIO: Work for another 25 years. 473 00:24:04,266 --> 00:24:07,666 IGNACIO: Work for another 25 years. 474 00:24:07,666 --> 00:24:08,706 LAUGHTER 475 00:24:08,706 --> 00:24:10,626 IAN: I do hope so! 476 00:24:10,626 --> 00:24:14,946 PAUL: Waste your time watching the Martin Lewis website. 477 00:24:14,946 --> 00:24:19,066 Joining 15 million other losers. 478 00:24:19,066 --> 00:24:20,266 That's your credit rating fucked. 479 00:24:20,266 --> 00:24:22,626 LAUGHTER 480 00:24:22,626 --> 00:24:27,626 The gloves are off. Here we go. 481 00:24:29,146 --> 00:24:30,586 The correct answer is... 482 00:24:35,786 --> 00:24:37,906 To claim the discount, which is only on Tuesdays, 483 00:24:37,906 --> 00:24:40,986 you have to show a valid proof of old age. Such as... 484 00:24:44,586 --> 00:24:48,306 Failing that, a hardback copy of the latest Richard Osman. 485 00:24:48,306 --> 00:24:50,786 LAUGHTER 486 00:24:50,786 --> 00:24:52,786 "100 million people can't be wrong." 487 00:24:52,786 --> 00:24:55,786 LAUGHTER 488 00:24:55,786 --> 00:25:00,306 That's your literary rating gone. 489 00:25:00,306 --> 00:25:02,026 LAUGHTER 490 00:25:02,026 --> 00:25:07,026 APPLAUSE 491 00:25:08,026 --> 00:25:09,386 Next one. 492 00:25:09,386 --> 00:25:10,466 IAN: Your website. PAUL: Yeah. 493 00:25:13,026 --> 00:25:15,506 IAN: Your website. PAUL: Yeah. 494 00:25:15,506 --> 00:25:17,106 LAUGHTER 495 00:25:17,106 --> 00:25:20,746 IGNACIO: Is it - counting themselves? 496 00:25:20,746 --> 00:25:23,826 The answer is... 497 00:25:26,226 --> 00:25:28,866 Farmers in Norfolk have discovered that spraying rams with Lynx Africa 498 00:25:28,866 --> 00:25:31,266 masks the hormones that make them want to butt heads. 499 00:25:31,266 --> 00:25:36,266 If they want to agitate them, they use Lynx Gravy And Mint. 500 00:25:36,986 --> 00:25:37,266 Next... 501 00:25:41,666 --> 00:25:43,666 PAUL: Watching the Martin Lewis website. 502 00:25:43,666 --> 00:25:46,746 Whistling. Singing. IGNACIO: Drinking. 503 00:25:46,746 --> 00:25:48,946 STEPH: Eating ice cream. 504 00:25:48,946 --> 00:25:52,746 Oh, is it? Well done. 505 00:25:52,746 --> 00:25:55,386 Plans by Milan Council to curb noise after midnight could mean 506 00:25:55,386 --> 00:25:57,226 ice cream sellers have to close earlier. 507 00:25:57,226 --> 00:26:00,186 Fair enough, it's no fun when you're trying to sleep 508 00:26:00,186 --> 00:26:02,386 and you suddenly hear a drunken English tourist going... 509 00:26:02,386 --> 00:26:05,106 LOUDLY: # Just one Cornetto. # 510 00:26:05,106 --> 00:26:06,306 LAUGHTER 511 00:26:06,306 --> 00:26:09,746 Don't know what you're all laughing at. 512 00:26:09,746 --> 00:26:12,546 Where the hell did that come from? 513 00:26:12,546 --> 00:26:15,906 The diaphragm, darling. 514 00:26:15,906 --> 00:26:17,586 And finally... 515 00:26:22,426 --> 00:26:23,466 PAUL: Sausages, wellington boots 516 00:26:23,466 --> 00:26:26,346 and virginity. 517 00:26:26,346 --> 00:26:27,666 LAUGHTER 518 00:26:27,666 --> 00:26:30,546 STEPH: Is it - the lion, the witch and the wardrobe? Yes! 519 00:26:30,546 --> 00:26:32,506 Gotta be. 520 00:26:37,266 --> 00:26:39,186 For some people that's a night out. 521 00:26:39,186 --> 00:26:41,866 LAUGHTER 522 00:26:41,866 --> 00:26:44,226 This is actually the survey of Uber drivers in America. 523 00:26:44,226 --> 00:26:47,626 Some of the items included... 524 00:26:49,866 --> 00:26:51,746 LAUGHTER 525 00:26:51,746 --> 00:26:55,426 Now, you would have thought Donald Trump would have used his own car. 526 00:26:55,426 --> 00:26:58,266 What's a frontal toupee? Is that like a merkin? No! 527 00:26:58,266 --> 00:27:01,906 She ran Germany for a while, Angela Merkin. 528 00:27:01,906 --> 00:27:06,906 LAUGHTER 529 00:27:07,666 --> 00:27:09,066 So the final scores are - 530 00:27:09,066 --> 00:27:11,706 Ian and Ignacio have 3 531 00:27:11,706 --> 00:27:15,146 but Paul and Steph have 7. 532 00:27:15,146 --> 00:27:16,986 That's amazing! Well done. 533 00:27:16,986 --> 00:27:19,626 DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE 534 00:27:19,626 --> 00:27:23,346 But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition. 535 00:27:23,346 --> 00:27:26,226 OK, is the Dalek saying, "Well, I'm still bent on world domination, 536 00:27:26,226 --> 00:27:27,666 "this is just a Saturday job"? 537 00:27:27,666 --> 00:27:30,546 LAUGHTER 538 00:27:30,546 --> 00:27:34,546 Or, "Order what you like, I can only carry one plate." 539 00:27:34,546 --> 00:27:36,706 LAUGHTER 540 00:27:36,706 --> 00:27:39,106 On that note, we say thank you to our panellists, 541 00:27:39,106 --> 00:27:43,306 Ian Hislop and Ignacio Lopez, Paul Merton and Steph McGovern. 542 00:27:43,306 --> 00:27:44,986 And I leave you with news that 543 00:27:44,986 --> 00:27:47,106 there's an awkward moment for one US Army officer 544 00:27:47,106 --> 00:27:48,666 as they're greeted with the words, 545 00:27:48,666 --> 00:27:52,266 "Pleased to meet you, Colonel Gaddafi." 546 00:27:52,266 --> 00:27:54,866 LAUGHTER 547 00:27:54,866 --> 00:27:56,986 Following complaints about the standard of food in hospitals, 548 00:27:56,986 --> 00:27:58,826 the NHS hires contractors 549 00:27:58,826 --> 00:28:03,826 to break the skin on the kitchen's vat of rice pudding. 550 00:28:07,146 --> 00:28:10,026 And at a G7 press conference, in front of the world's media, 551 00:28:10,026 --> 00:28:12,186 one representative really regrets having a second helping 552 00:28:12,186 --> 00:28:16,306 of the three-bean salad. 553 00:28:22,306 --> 00:28:23,346 Goodnight, thank you! 554 00:28:23,346 --> 00:28:28,346 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE