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This programme contains
very strong language
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CHEERING
AND APPLAUSE
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Good evening.
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Welcome to Have I Got News for You?
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I'm Clive Myrie.
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In the news this week,
following an appearance
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at a right-wing conference
in the US, Liz Truss has awoken
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bright and early after a night
on the sparkling wine.
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There you go!
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On Runway Two at Heathrow,
as immigration officers close in,
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a cunning stowaway tries to make
a break for it.
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And in North Korea, a TV
documentary offers a rare
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insight into the home life
of Kim Jong-un's personal trainer.
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On Ian's team tonight is the BBC's
first-ever disinformation specialist
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and the target of over 80%
of the BBC's online abuse.
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Let's see how that stacks up
after I'm done tonight.
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Please welcome Marianna Spring.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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On Paul's team
tonight is a comedian who took
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Hispanic Studies at university
but dropped out after a year
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and a half when he realised
there was only one element
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he was really good at.
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The siesta.
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Please welcome Jon Richardson.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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And we begin
with the bigger news
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stories of the week.
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Ian and Marianna,
take a look at this.
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Oh, that's the biggest
threat to Israel.
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Is that British arms or is that aid?
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Looking a bit like weapons.
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And that's Joe Biden not
falling down the stairs.
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Not yet.
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Not yet.
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This is the belated realisation that
perhaps Israel's war isn't entirely
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proportionate or targeted.
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The tipping point of the war
is now that three British aid
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workers have been killed,
whereas 30,000 Palestinians have
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been killed in the war.
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It's grim but true.
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If you kill people who aren't
Palestinians, then it suddenly
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becomes unacceptable.
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But it might be a turning point.
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How has Israel's Benjamin Netanyahu
explained the deadly strike?
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Basically saying it was an accident,
it wasn't deliberate.
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These things happen in war.
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Yeah, the fog of war.
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It's not very good.
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I mean, the head of the Israeli army
actually apologised,
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but Netanyahu, no.
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I mean, there are huge
rallies against Netanyahu
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in Israel at the moment.
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Mm.
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I mean, he said the attack
on the aid convoy was:
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So what is significant
about President Biden's
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reaction to the attack?
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Well, America has supported Israel's
right to defend itself
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all the way through,
but that is now changing.
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He's said that enough's enough
and Israel have got to change
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the way they pursue the war.
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Yeah.
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He said in a statement that he was
outraged and heartbroken.
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He's so furious, he's just signed
a new arms shipment.
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And that's cross.
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Staying with the situation in Gaza,
here's the 81-year-old
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US President speaking
at the White House in February.
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Couldn't remember the name of Hamas.
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In the interests of balance
I should make it clear
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that his rival for the presidency,
77-year-old Donald Trump,
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also seems to be losing his marbles.
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Trump was quick to come up
with an explanation as to why he'd
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said Obama instead of Biden.
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He's certainly got
a wide range of voices.
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But when I say Barack Hussein Obama,
the president of our country,
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on the news at night,
they go, "Donald Trump didn't know
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the name of our president!
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"He said it was President Obama.
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It's President Biden!"
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So I have to be very, very careful.
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LAUGHTER
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Yes, indeed.
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Or people might realise
you're clinically insane.
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APPLAUSE
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As many as 70% of Americans
have said that they don't want
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a Biden/Trump rematch,
the oldest people to run
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for the presidency in US history.
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So why are we here with
two old-timers once
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again battling it out?
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LAUGHTER
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APPLAUSE
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It's
a very simple answer.
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Half past three.
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We don't care!
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OLD PERSON VOICE:
What time's dinner?
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OK.
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Who stepped forward to offer
a third option to lead...
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Is it Matron?
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LAUGHTER
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I could keep this up
all programme, you know.
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A man in Texas intends to run
for President and in preparation has
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legally changed his name to:
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LAUGHTER
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That's good.
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Donald Trump has had a few cash
flow problems recently,
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having to post a $175 million bond
in his New York civil fraud case.
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What fashion item is he selling
to raise a few dollars?
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The Bible.
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Gold trainers.
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Gold trainers and the Bible.
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Ah!
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Yeah!
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Ooh, yes.
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Yes!
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He's turning into Frankie Howerd.
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Oh!
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Oh!
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Oh!
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Oh, yes!
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Oh!
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Yeah.
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Hi-top gold sneakers costing $399.
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Here they are.
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Emblazoned with a gold T.
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The sales blurb accompanying them
online says:
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Both candidates put
out Easter messages.
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Joe Biden's read:
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And here's
Donald Trump's:
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LAUGHTER
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LAUGHTER
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I sometimes
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wonder whether on Truth Social
you can only write in capitals.
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It's almost like it's a setting,
like he only writes
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exclusively in capitals.
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He's just got to shout, man.
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He's just got to shout.
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It's just his style now, though.
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He always types in capitals so now
maybe you just read it
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like he's not shouting.
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Like he's not shouting, right.
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But normal people use caps
as well, don't they,
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when they want to emphasise...?
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At the beginning of words, Clive.
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I think he would write
in capitals because he can't do
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joined-up letters yet,
so that might be what it is.
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As it's the first of a new series,
guess what I've got for you?
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Have we got custom-made bibles?
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Have I Got Good News For You?
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Well!
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Yes.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Yes.
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Actually, it's a bonus Odd One Out.
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Bonus Odd One Out?!
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Your four are: Rishi Sunak.
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Humza Yousaf.
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Vaughan Gething.
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And Vladimir Putin.
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BELL
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Putin is the only one
who's won an election.
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APPLAUSE
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Absolutely right.
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The odd one out is Vladimir Putin,
and he's the only one of the four
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to have faced a popular vote.
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He won a landslide victory
in Russia's recent general election,
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a result announced just a few
minutesbefore the election
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actually took place.
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I'm just wondering, anyone know why
Putin defecates into a briefcase?
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Oh!
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I just thought I'd throw
that one out there.
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I don't know!
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Why does Putin defecate
in a briefcase?
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Has this happened to you personally?
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I met him and he was lovely.
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Yeah, he was all right.
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Well, according to an article
in Paris Match magazine,
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when he's abroad, his bodily waste
is placed in a dedicated briefcase
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for the journey home,
leaving nothing behind that could be
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analysed to give away
anything about his health.
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So there you go.
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There you go.
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This is Joe Biden's increasing...
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That's the most incredible
use of, "There you go."
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Just, "There you go."
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"He shits in a briefcase, no more
questions, thank you very much."
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Does he take a suitcase with him
in case he gets diarrhoea?
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Oh!
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Oh, yeah, blame me.
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It's him the one that's having
a shit in the bloody briefcase!
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Before we move on from some
of the grimmer news,
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let's take a look moment to admire
a masterly tonal gear change by BBC
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Breakfast's Jon Kay.
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It looks very much like there'll be
fewer showers and it
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will be a bit drier.
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Aww, Carol, thank you.
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THEY LAUGH
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I'd love to say
it's my own work, Sal, but sadly...
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It is!
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It totally is.
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Er, it's 17 minutes past 6.
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Now, machetes.
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LAUGHTER
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Paul and Jon,
have a look at this.
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Good to have a trade
to fall back on.
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Early pilot for Deal Or No Deal.
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Yes, this is about the election
which will be sometime this year
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and the latest polls are suggesting
that the Conservatives
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are going to lose quite badly and up
to 11 Cabinet ministers may
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lose their seats.
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100% correct.
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Yeah.
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This is the recent disastrous
polling for Rishi Sunak that
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suggests the Conservatives could be
reduced to fewer than 100 seats
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at the next general election.
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Spot on.
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That many?
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I'm hoping for none.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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You'll have
to verify this for bias.
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All you've got to do
is lie constantly, get
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{\an8}every big decision wrong,
decimate people's lives,
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{\an8}and after about 15 years people go,
"That'll do, that's enough of that."
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00:11:04,340 --> 00:11:08,380
Obviously certain sections
of the leftie media will be biased
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00:11:08,420 --> 00:11:10,300
against the Conservatives,
so let's give their supporters
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00:11:10,340 --> 00:11:13,700
a voice, shall we?
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00:11:13,740 --> 00:11:15,860
Here's the monthly popularity chart
of Cabinet ministers conducted
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00:11:15,900 --> 00:11:18,420
by the Conservative Home website.
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00:11:18,460 --> 00:11:19,460
All right, pop pickers.
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Let's go.
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PICK OF THE POPS THEME
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JON:Wow.
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I don't know who
Michael Tomlinson is!
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But 39.5 people seem to dislike him.
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00:11:39,500 --> 00:11:42,340
No, I mean, this is all those
lefties in the Conservative Party
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who don't like their own MPs.
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And the most unpopular of all,
bar the one, is the Prime Minister.
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Despite all he's done!
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I mean, this week he was
out on local radio...
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Yeah.
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He goes out and someone says, "Well,
when's the election?"
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He goes, "Ha-ha...ha-ha,
ha-ha, ha-ha-ha...
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"Ha...ha."
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That's it.
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He obviously doesn't care.
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And if he's laughing
like that in an interview,
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what is he like at home?
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If his wife's like, "Have
you put the bins out?"
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HE CACKLES LOUDLY
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I quite
like the way he's ruling out
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the election days sort
of one by one.
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Yes.
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"It's not this day.
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But it could be any
of the other 364!"
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The fact is, a record 11 cabinet
members have a negative
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rating, and poor Michael
Tomlinson!
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00:12:25,260 --> 00:12:27,980
-39.5!
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00:12:28,020 --> 00:12:29,900
Would you like to see
him presenting himself
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00:12:29,940 --> 00:12:33,060
as an ordinary bloke on Sky News?
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But I do enjoy watching sport
and if you want to ask me
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about cricket or sport,
then please do.
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Who's your football team?
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My football...
262
00:12:39,940 --> 00:12:41,580
I don't really have a football team.
263
00:12:41,620 --> 00:12:43,260
So you're not a sports fan, really.
264
00:12:43,300 --> 00:12:44,340
I'm a cricket fan!
265
00:12:44,380 --> 00:12:45,980
I love sport, I enjoy
watching sport.
266
00:12:46,020 --> 00:12:49,340
But it would be wrong to tell
you that I have a football team.
267
00:12:49,380 --> 00:12:50,420
I've been to...
268
00:12:50,460 --> 00:12:52,540
I've been to Bournemouth,
I've been to various other
269
00:12:52,580 --> 00:12:54,700
grounds, but I don't
have a specific football team.
270
00:12:54,740 --> 00:12:55,740
OK.
271
00:12:55,780 --> 00:12:56,780
It's good to see.
272
00:12:56,820 --> 00:12:57,820
Wimborne Town Football Club!
273
00:12:57,860 --> 00:12:58,860
OK.
274
00:12:58,900 --> 00:12:59,980
There we go.
275
00:13:00,020 --> 00:13:00,940
Wimborne Town.
276
00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:02,020
OK.
277
00:13:02,060 --> 00:13:03,180
What was their last result?
278
00:13:03,220 --> 00:13:04,420
I couldn't tell you that.
279
00:13:04,460 --> 00:13:07,060
The last result when I was there,
it was very exciting.
280
00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:09,660
Lots of goals were scored
and it was a one-all draw.
281
00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:10,700
LAUGHTER
282
00:13:10,740 --> 00:13:13,780
He's done well to get
-39, really, hasn't he?
283
00:13:13,820 --> 00:13:16,180
And people, they still can't seem
to disguise their feelings
284
00:13:16,220 --> 00:13:18,660
about Jeremy Hunt.
285
00:13:18,700 --> 00:13:21,020
The Labour leader is the latest
to criticise the Government
286
00:13:21,060 --> 00:13:24,860
for using taxpayers' money
to compensate for a minister's
287
00:13:24,900 --> 00:13:27,940
mistake after the Science Secretary
Michelle Donelan falsely accused
288
00:13:27,980 --> 00:13:30,900
an academic of supporting Hamas.
289
00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:33,060
She spoke to Mr Cunt...
290
00:13:33,100 --> 00:13:34,140
Mr Hunt.
291
00:13:34,180 --> 00:13:37,340
How did he respond to
calls for her to resign?
292
00:13:37,380 --> 00:13:42,180
LAUGHTER
293
00:13:42,220 --> 00:13:44,060
Have you frozen
it just at the point
294
00:13:44,100 --> 00:13:47,420
when she realises what she said?
295
00:13:47,460 --> 00:13:52,420
And while he's thinking to himself,
"Is this going out live?"
296
00:13:52,500 --> 00:13:55,460
Marianna, who's been
doing the spear-fishing?
297
00:13:55,500 --> 00:13:59,020
Fishing with a P-H rather
than an F, I believe.
298
00:13:59,060 --> 00:14:01,940
And I think it's a lot of MPs who've
been getting explicit
299
00:14:01,980 --> 00:14:04,540
photos sent to them,
which are sort of like a phishing
300
00:14:04,580 --> 00:14:08,180
trap to try and get them to reply
and then maybe get pictures of them
301
00:14:08,220 --> 00:14:09,820
or get them to send photos back.
302
00:14:09,860 --> 00:14:11,380
So it's a sting?
303
00:14:11,420 --> 00:14:15,020
It's a sting, it's like a scam,
it's a way of trying to get people's
304
00:14:15,060 --> 00:14:17,380
personal details or get them
to share stuff with you.
305
00:14:17,420 --> 00:14:20,740
And there seem to be quite a few MPs
who've been targeted with it.
306
00:14:20,780 --> 00:14:22,900
Well, I think some people
are sending really revolting
307
00:14:22,940 --> 00:14:26,740
pictures of potholes and saying,
"Can you sort this out?"
308
00:14:26,780 --> 00:14:29,340
It always baffles me that
men choose to send...
309
00:14:29,380 --> 00:14:32,900
It's the last thing I show anyone.
310
00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:35,100
But you do show it?
311
00:14:35,140 --> 00:14:36,380
But it's the last thing.
312
00:14:36,420 --> 00:14:38,980
It makes an appearance eventually.
313
00:14:39,020 --> 00:14:41,380
"These are the curtains
in my back bedroom, "and now,
314
00:14:41,420 --> 00:14:44,460
star of the show..."
315
00:14:44,500 --> 00:14:45,620
Moving swiftly on...
316
00:14:45,660 --> 00:14:47,220
Yes.
317
00:14:47,260 --> 00:14:50,660
..what about the exciting
new Reform party?
318
00:14:50,700 --> 00:14:53,540
How many seats are they predicted
to gain at the next election?
319
00:14:53,580 --> 00:14:55,460
Well, they're polling
on just the same amount
320
00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:57,500
as the Tories, is that right?
321
00:14:57,540 --> 00:14:58,540
No - none.
322
00:14:58,580 --> 00:14:59,740
None?
323
00:14:59,780 --> 00:15:00,980
According to the poll.
324
00:15:01,020 --> 00:15:02,660
Oh, thank goodness for
the electoral system.
325
00:15:02,700 --> 00:15:03,860
Yes.
326
00:15:03,900 --> 00:15:06,140
According to the poll...
327
00:15:08,060 --> 00:15:12,580
..as the Lib Dems look on enviously.
328
00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:16,060
And this is despite Reform's newest
recruit, Lee Anderson.
329
00:15:16,100 --> 00:15:18,620
Oh!
330
00:15:18,660 --> 00:15:19,660
PAUL CHUCKLES
331
00:15:19,700 --> 00:15:21,420
He's great, isn't he?
332
00:15:21,460 --> 00:15:22,860
I'm sure he's a glove puppet.
333
00:15:22,900 --> 00:15:24,820
There can't be a human
being like that.
334
00:15:24,860 --> 00:15:27,420
He just comes out with the most
ridiculous load of nonsense.
335
00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:30,540
He's usually referred
to as Lee-Anderthal.
336
00:15:30,580 --> 00:15:35,580
Did you see the interesting way
Sophy Ridge introduced him?
337
00:15:36,860 --> 00:15:38,740
Also tonight, one of
the Conservative Party's most
338
00:15:38,780 --> 00:15:41,820
prominent MPs from the 2019 intake,
Lee Anderson, defects to Reform UK
339
00:15:41,860 --> 00:15:44,660
as one of the last pricks
in the so-called Tory red wall
340
00:15:44,700 --> 00:15:47,540
has crumbled away.
341
00:15:47,580 --> 00:15:52,540
WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
342
00:15:54,140 --> 00:15:55,300
Clearly,
broadcasters feel there's not
343
00:15:55,340 --> 00:15:57,860
going to be a Conservative
government for much longer.
344
00:15:57,900 --> 00:15:58,900
No.
345
00:15:58,940 --> 00:16:01,860
They're getting a bit
demob-happy, aren't they?
346
00:16:01,900 --> 00:16:03,820
And she didn't even correct herself.
347
00:16:03,860 --> 00:16:06,460
Who is the leadership candidate
coming up quietly on the rails?
348
00:16:06,500 --> 00:16:08,540
Er, Nigel Farage.
349
00:16:08,580 --> 00:16:10,900
Hmm, no.
350
00:16:10,940 --> 00:16:13,580
According to the Times, Priti Patel.
351
00:16:13,620 --> 00:16:17,420
AUDIENCE GROANS
352
00:16:17,940 --> 00:16:20,500
Apparently...
353
00:16:24,060 --> 00:16:27,180
And that was her
looking in the mirror.
354
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:29,220
Yes.
355
00:16:29,260 --> 00:16:30,900
And who's secretly
behind Priti Patel?
356
00:16:30,940 --> 00:16:34,300
Apparently, Liz Truss
is backing Priti Patel,
357
00:16:34,340 --> 00:16:36,700
but Priti Patel obviously doesn't
want anyone to know that.
358
00:16:36,740 --> 00:16:40,460
That's the end of your campaign.
359
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:44,380
Ian, you are right, Liz Truss -
Liz and the PopCons.
360
00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:47,460
They're actually a group called...
361
00:16:48,220 --> 00:16:51,140
Yes, there's an oxymoron.
362
00:16:51,180 --> 00:16:53,140
What's their master plan?
363
00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:55,860
They're trying a few
last-minute ideas -
364
00:16:55,900 --> 00:16:57,780
criminalising the homeless,
which is going to apply
365
00:16:57,820 --> 00:17:01,140
to a lot of them quite soon.
366
00:17:01,180 --> 00:17:04,220
What they want to do is install a...
367
00:17:10,620 --> 00:17:13,180
One insider told the Telegraph...
368
00:17:15,580 --> 00:17:19,740
So they'll do it!
369
00:17:19,780 --> 00:17:22,580
Well, who has been giving
the Conservatives some bad news?
370
00:17:22,620 --> 00:17:26,660
The eccentric boffin and election
egghead Professor John Curtice.
371
00:17:26,700 --> 00:17:30,100
He's declared that there is...
372
00:17:34,180 --> 00:17:35,780
Wow.
373
00:17:35,820 --> 00:17:38,420
Who are some of the rising stars
of the Labour Party?
374
00:17:38,460 --> 00:17:39,620
Angela Rayner.
375
00:17:39,660 --> 00:17:41,020
Ooh.
376
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,700
But, ooh, what about
the council tax?
377
00:17:42,740 --> 00:17:44,140
You're not going to believe this.
378
00:17:44,180 --> 00:17:47,220
Angela Rayner may
have fiddled up to...
379
00:17:47,260 --> 00:17:51,380
..£1,500 on her council tax, says
a book published by Lord Ashcroft,
380
00:17:51,420 --> 00:17:56,380
who avoided £112 million
when he was a non-dom.
381
00:17:58,140 --> 00:18:03,060
I think that means she's guilty.
382
00:18:03,100 --> 00:18:05,940
Allegedly.
383
00:18:05,980 --> 00:18:08,340
I can feel that you're walking
this tightrope, Clive -
384
00:18:08,380 --> 00:18:10,980
reading the Ten O'Clock News
or the Jobcentre, and you're just
385
00:18:11,020 --> 00:18:12,980
walking down the middle.
386
00:18:13,020 --> 00:18:16,340
Yeah, this is the unofficial
countdown to the general election.
387
00:18:16,380 --> 00:18:18,260
Former Defence Minister Ben Wallace
attempted to rally
388
00:18:18,300 --> 00:18:20,460
Tory MPs by saying...
389
00:18:27,660 --> 00:18:30,020
And after that, Ben,
you put on your spangly catsuit
390
00:18:30,060 --> 00:18:33,260
and you go on Strictly.
391
00:18:33,300 --> 00:18:36,940
Rishi Sunak sneaked out a quick
honours list over Easter.
392
00:18:36,980 --> 00:18:39,340
According to the Guardian,
a businessman who donated £5 million
393
00:18:39,380 --> 00:18:43,460
to the Conservative Party
was unexpectedly given a knighthood.
394
00:18:43,500 --> 00:18:46,100
Unexpectedly, because at no point
had he been quoted as saying
395
00:18:46,140 --> 00:18:50,740
he wants to shoot a black woman.
396
00:18:50,780 --> 00:18:52,260
AUDIENCE MURMUR
UNCOMFORTABLY
397
00:18:52,300 --> 00:18:53,300
The thing...
398
00:18:53,340 --> 00:18:55,660
For Rishi Sunak, this
is specifically not allowed.
399
00:18:55,700 --> 00:18:59,180
I mean, I don't understand
why both Mr Mansour,
400
00:18:59,220 --> 00:19:02,020
who used to be an Egyptian cabinet
minister under a very autocratic
401
00:19:02,060 --> 00:19:05,180
regime, he has come to Britain
and given the Tories a huge amount
402
00:19:05,220 --> 00:19:08,740
of money, and he immediately
gets a knighthood.
403
00:19:08,780 --> 00:19:10,620
That seems to me
straightforwardly corrupt.
404
00:19:10,660 --> 00:19:14,100
Shouldn't they both be in jail?
405
00:19:14,140 --> 00:19:17,140
APPLAUSE
406
00:19:17,180 --> 00:19:18,580
I ask that as a question.
407
00:19:18,620 --> 00:19:22,020
I have no idea what the answer is.
408
00:19:22,060 --> 00:19:25,820
And so to round two,
the jazzed-up jigsaw of news.
409
00:19:25,860 --> 00:19:27,020
Fingers on the buzzers, teams.
410
00:19:27,060 --> 00:19:28,620
Yes.
411
00:19:28,660 --> 00:19:32,420
JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS
412
00:19:32,460 --> 00:19:34,420
BELL
413
00:19:34,460 --> 00:19:36,100
This is this
statue of Prince Philip
414
00:19:36,140 --> 00:19:38,780
that was outside Cambridge
University.
415
00:19:38,820 --> 00:19:41,540
I think it's called The Don
or something like that,
416
00:19:41,580 --> 00:19:44,940
and everyone was very upset about it
cos they thought it was very ugly
417
00:19:44,980 --> 00:19:47,540
and they didn't like it and it's
now being taken down.
418
00:19:47,580 --> 00:19:49,020
What do you think of it?
419
00:19:49,060 --> 00:19:51,620
It looks like one of the Dementors.
420
00:19:51,660 --> 00:19:53,060
Who's taken issue with the statue?
421
00:19:53,100 --> 00:19:54,260
Everybody, I would have thought.
422
00:19:54,300 --> 00:19:55,300
Yeah.
423
00:19:55,340 --> 00:19:56,980
In 2014, it was refused
planning permission
424
00:19:57,020 --> 00:19:59,260
from Cambridge City Council,
who called it...
425
00:20:03,140 --> 00:20:05,580
So what's going to happen to it now?
426
00:20:05,620 --> 00:20:07,140
I'll have it.
427
00:20:07,180 --> 00:20:09,060
You'll have it?
428
00:20:09,100 --> 00:20:11,980
You'd get 50 grand for it,
wouldn't you, just selling it off?
429
00:20:12,020 --> 00:20:14,620
Someone'll have that
tat, won't they?
430
00:20:14,660 --> 00:20:16,300
The property development firm
who commissioned it,
431
00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:18,460
they say they would...
432
00:20:21,380 --> 00:20:24,380
..ie, the tip.
433
00:20:24,420 --> 00:20:26,500
Why has a sculpture
of Sir Paul McCartney been
434
00:20:26,540 --> 00:20:28,260
in the news recently?
435
00:20:28,300 --> 00:20:29,780
It must be another bad sculpture.
436
00:20:29,820 --> 00:20:32,660
It wouldn't be in the news
if it was a good one.
437
00:20:32,700 --> 00:20:33,700
There you go.
438
00:20:33,740 --> 00:20:35,860
Artist Wilfrid Wood claims
a clay sculpture he made
439
00:20:35,900 --> 00:20:37,780
of the Beatle was...
440
00:20:39,460 --> 00:20:41,860
See what you think.
441
00:20:49,940 --> 00:20:52,540
Paul, this gives us a perfect
excuse to bring up one
442
00:20:52,580 --> 00:20:54,740
of Wilfrid's earlier works.
443
00:21:03,140 --> 00:21:04,900
Wasn't there one of Ian as well?
444
00:21:04,940 --> 00:21:09,060
Oh, haven't you bothered to get
that one, Mr Neutral?
445
00:21:11,300 --> 00:21:15,460
All right, can you take
it off the screen now?
446
00:21:15,500 --> 00:21:17,860
Well, we haven't got Ian,
but we've got Chris Whitty.
447
00:21:17,900 --> 00:21:22,860
I'm happy with that.
448
00:21:26,500 --> 00:21:28,500
Buzzers on the teams, please.
449
00:21:28,540 --> 00:21:32,700
Buzzers on the teams?
450
00:21:34,460 --> 00:21:38,900
JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS
451
00:21:38,940 --> 00:21:40,180
BUZZER
452
00:21:40,220 --> 00:21:41,380
Ah,
yes, they've found some
453
00:21:41,420 --> 00:21:45,980
water in a load of shit.
454
00:21:47,540 --> 00:21:50,860
It's the dreadful case about how
the state of our rivers and the seas
455
00:21:50,900 --> 00:21:53,100
are being heavily polluted
by these water authorities.
456
00:21:53,140 --> 00:21:56,180
The Boat Race last week,
the Cambridge versus Oxford,
457
00:21:56,220 --> 00:21:57,820
the same two teams reaching
the final.
458
00:21:57,860 --> 00:22:00,540
There was a...
459
00:22:00,580 --> 00:22:01,580
LAUGHTER
460
00:22:01,620 --> 00:22:04,220
I think it was
the Cambridge team who got very ill
461
00:22:04,260 --> 00:22:06,060
and they blamed it on E.
Coli.
462
00:22:06,100 --> 00:22:09,380
The water's so dirty, you can't even
dip your cox in it any more.
463
00:22:09,420 --> 00:22:12,820
Yeah.
464
00:22:13,940 --> 00:22:17,140
What has recently been discovered
in a harbour near Portsmouth?
465
00:22:17,180 --> 00:22:19,540
It's not all the money stolen
by the water companies
466
00:22:19,580 --> 00:22:20,740
over the years, is it?
467
00:22:20,780 --> 00:22:21,820
You say stolen?
468
00:22:21,860 --> 00:22:23,740
Well, the water companies,
since they were privatised,
469
00:22:23,780 --> 00:22:26,420
have basically just run up debt.
470
00:22:26,460 --> 00:22:29,620
They haven't built anything new,
they haven't invested in anything,
471
00:22:29,660 --> 00:22:32,020
they have literally borrowed money
in order to give it
472
00:22:32,060 --> 00:22:33,700
to their shareholders
and to their investors.
473
00:22:33,740 --> 00:22:35,100
And again, I...
474
00:22:35,140 --> 00:22:37,980
I think this is theft.
475
00:22:38,020 --> 00:22:41,900
APPLAUSE
476
00:22:41,940 --> 00:22:44,300
They are blaming the fact
that the rivers are becoming
477
00:22:44,340 --> 00:22:45,500
polluted through too much water.
478
00:22:45,540 --> 00:22:47,660
It's raining too much,
which normally as a water
479
00:22:47,700 --> 00:22:50,060
authority would be good news,
cos then you could fill
480
00:22:50,100 --> 00:22:51,220
up your reservoir.
481
00:22:51,260 --> 00:22:54,340
But literally in the middle of last
week, a number of them announced
482
00:22:54,380 --> 00:22:56,740
hosepipe bans were going to come
in later this year.
483
00:22:56,780 --> 00:23:01,740
I mean, the river's not
the only thing full of shit.
484
00:23:01,980 --> 00:23:03,420
What was discovered near Portsmouth?
485
00:23:03,460 --> 00:23:05,100
Well, the marine biologist
Professor Alex Ford,
486
00:23:05,140 --> 00:23:07,740
he and his team discovered that
every single marine species living
487
00:23:07,780 --> 00:23:09,900
in the contaminated water
was full of a variety
488
00:23:09,940 --> 00:23:13,220
of drugs, including...
489
00:23:15,300 --> 00:23:17,420
Now, here he is, talking
to Good Morning Britain
490
00:23:17,460 --> 00:23:19,900
about the discovery.
491
00:23:19,940 --> 00:23:22,780
Yeah, so, Alex, they're just asking
about the cocaine that you found.
492
00:23:22,820 --> 00:23:25,180
You're sampling these marine species
and you're finding that what's
493
00:23:25,220 --> 00:23:27,340
in the sewage water ends up
in those species?
494
00:23:27,380 --> 00:23:29,780
Exactly.
495
00:23:29,820 --> 00:23:33,620
The drugs affect this wildlife
in the same way that they do us.
496
00:23:33,660 --> 00:23:36,500
If you give a fish the contraceptive
pill, it starts to feminise.
497
00:23:36,540 --> 00:23:39,060
If you give crabs antidepressants,
it changes their behaviour
498
00:23:39,100 --> 00:23:41,340
because those drugs were designed
to change behaviour.
499
00:23:41,380 --> 00:23:44,940
So if you give them illegal drugs
as well, it has very much the same
500
00:23:44,980 --> 00:23:47,580
effect on them that it would do
on people as well.
501
00:23:47,620 --> 00:23:50,500
Haddock are up all night, planning
to form production companies.
502
00:23:50,540 --> 00:23:55,500
Quite like the idea of a crab
on antidepressants.
503
00:23:55,900 --> 00:24:00,860
"I've finally realised I could have
been walking forward all this time."
504
00:24:03,020 --> 00:24:05,140
All this explains why
the local branch of Itsu
505
00:24:05,180 --> 00:24:07,060
recently received a visit
from a new quality
506
00:24:07,100 --> 00:24:11,820
control inspector.
507
00:24:11,860 --> 00:24:15,700
Did anyone see the BBC's environment
correspondent Jonah Fisher?
508
00:24:15,740 --> 00:24:18,620
He covered the sewage crisis
on the BBC News at Ten last
509
00:24:18,660 --> 00:24:19,620
week, anyone see that?
510
00:24:19,660 --> 00:24:24,620
No, I don't watch it, to be honest.
511
00:24:25,180 --> 00:24:27,060
Jonah Fisher, he visited
a sewage treatment works
512
00:24:27,100 --> 00:24:29,260
in Surrey to get close up...
513
00:24:29,300 --> 00:24:30,660
They're treating sewage?
514
00:24:30,700 --> 00:24:33,540
"Let's go to the pictures."
515
00:24:33,580 --> 00:24:34,580
"More cocaine?"
516
00:24:34,620 --> 00:24:39,580
"Certainly."
517
00:24:39,780 --> 00:24:42,620
And I'll tell you what,
when he went to the sewage works,
518
00:24:42,660 --> 00:24:43,820
he didn't mince his words.
519
00:24:43,860 --> 00:24:45,860
We've seen, you know,
solids floating past.
520
00:24:45,900 --> 00:24:47,380
Turds?
521
00:24:47,420 --> 00:24:50,700
Yeah, turds.
522
00:24:50,740 --> 00:24:54,060
This is the news that UK rivers
are full of cocaine and sewage, so,
523
00:24:54,100 --> 00:24:57,820
good shit, bad shit.
524
00:24:57,860 --> 00:25:01,740
It was reported that in the village
of Allonby in Cumbria,
525
00:25:01,780 --> 00:25:05,900
sewage was pumped out for 4,500
hours nonstop, a record
526
00:25:05,940 --> 00:25:10,900
matched only by GB News.
527
00:25:14,140 --> 00:25:17,340
Time now for the missing words
round, which this week features
528
00:25:17,380 --> 00:25:20,580
as its guest publication
Brew Your Own, the how-to magazine
529
00:25:20,620 --> 00:25:22,500
for home-brewed beer.
530
00:25:22,540 --> 00:25:24,620
And we start with...
531
00:25:26,620 --> 00:25:27,780
Oh, I know this one.
532
00:25:27,820 --> 00:25:29,460
"I never talk before
noon," says Lulu.
533
00:25:29,500 --> 00:25:32,820
She's going on a farewell tour
at the age of 75 and her voice
534
00:25:32,860 --> 00:25:35,220
is in perfect condition
and she never talks before noon
535
00:25:35,260 --> 00:25:36,660
to protect her voice, says Lulu.
536
00:25:36,700 --> 00:25:39,260
Give that man 100 points!
537
00:25:40,500 --> 00:25:43,260
You've been answering every question
"Lulu" for 30 years.
538
00:25:43,300 --> 00:25:46,460
And now it's paid off.
539
00:25:46,500 --> 00:25:48,540
Next...
540
00:25:50,500 --> 00:25:53,180
Lulu!
541
00:25:53,220 --> 00:25:56,940
Threesomes!
542
00:25:56,980 --> 00:25:58,620
Planning, dedication,
understanding spouse.
543
00:25:58,660 --> 00:26:02,260
Someone's got to make the tea.
544
00:26:02,300 --> 00:26:06,540
Absolutely bloody everything
after the age of 40.
545
00:26:06,580 --> 00:26:09,460
It is...
546
00:26:15,860 --> 00:26:20,020
Ah, yeah, but in certain circles,
that's a euphemism for a threesome.
547
00:26:20,060 --> 00:26:23,340
"I'm going on a beer
holiday to Dusseldorf.
548
00:26:23,380 --> 00:26:26,300
"Just get out my lederhosen."
549
00:26:26,340 --> 00:26:28,460
And finally...
550
00:26:31,660 --> 00:26:36,220
"Get me down Caerphilly."
551
00:26:36,260 --> 00:26:37,820
Yes.
552
00:26:37,860 --> 00:26:42,820
There we are.
553
00:26:49,100 --> 00:26:50,980
This is pensioner Anne
Hughes from South Wales,
554
00:26:51,020 --> 00:26:52,020
who went viral recently.
555
00:26:52,060 --> 00:26:55,420
Here's the moment it all went wrong.
556
00:27:15,740 --> 00:27:20,660
Some people are shoplifters,
other people are lifted by shops.
557
00:27:23,660 --> 00:27:26,460
And the final scores are,
Paul and Jon, six points.
558
00:27:26,500 --> 00:27:30,580
Ian and Marianna, seven points.
559
00:27:30,620 --> 00:27:34,420
That's only because
you're on this side.
560
00:27:34,460 --> 00:27:36,980
But before we go, there's just time
for the caption competition.
561
00:27:37,020 --> 00:27:40,140
Ian and Marianna have this.
562
00:27:40,180 --> 00:27:45,140
Is that Putin's briefcase?
563
00:27:45,220 --> 00:27:48,580
And Paul and Jon, you've got this.
564
00:27:48,620 --> 00:27:53,580
"This is the first time I've been
on a beer trip to Dusseldorf."
565
00:27:56,700 --> 00:27:59,060
On which note, we say thank
you to our panellists,
566
00:27:59,100 --> 00:28:01,940
Ian Hislop and Marianna Spring,
Paul Merton and Jon Richardson.
567
00:28:01,980 --> 00:28:06,060
And I leave you with news that
on a field trip to the Cotswolds,
568
00:28:06,100 --> 00:28:08,460
a group of schoolchildren decide
to keep schtoom after watching
569
00:28:08,500 --> 00:28:11,220
a goat urinate all over
the spring onion patch.
570
00:28:17,020 --> 00:28:19,380
In Ashfield, an open-top bus driver
desperately fights the urge
571
00:28:19,420 --> 00:28:21,620
to slam on the brakes.
572
00:28:24,700 --> 00:28:27,740
And at Crufts, it looks like there's
a sure-fire winner for the title
573
00:28:27,780 --> 00:28:30,340
of most ambitious crossbreed.
574
00:28:35,860 --> 00:28:39,820
Goodnight.