1 00:00:06,100 --> 00:00:11,060 This programme contains very strong language 2 00:00:27,540 --> 00:00:32,540 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 3 00:00:41,060 --> 00:00:42,140 Good evening. 4 00:00:42,180 --> 00:00:44,060 Welcome to Have I Got News for You? 5 00:00:44,100 --> 00:00:45,540 I'm Clive Myrie. 6 00:00:45,580 --> 00:00:48,340 In the news this week, following an appearance 7 00:00:48,380 --> 00:00:50,980 at a right-wing conference in the US, Liz Truss has awoken 8 00:00:51,020 --> 00:00:53,500 bright and early after a night on the sparkling wine. 9 00:00:55,820 --> 00:00:58,820 There you go! 10 00:01:01,140 --> 00:01:03,580 On Runway Two at Heathrow, as immigration officers close in, 11 00:01:03,620 --> 00:01:06,900 a cunning stowaway tries to make a break for it. 12 00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:19,020 And in North Korea, a TV documentary offers a rare 13 00:01:19,060 --> 00:01:22,140 insight into the home life of Kim Jong-un's personal trainer. 14 00:01:31,740 --> 00:01:35,180 On Ian's team tonight is the BBC's first-ever disinformation specialist 15 00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:40,180 and the target of over 80% of the BBC's online abuse. 16 00:01:40,340 --> 00:01:42,660 Let's see how that stacks up after I'm done tonight. 17 00:01:42,700 --> 00:01:45,420 Please welcome Marianna Spring. 18 00:01:45,460 --> 00:01:49,020 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 19 00:01:50,540 --> 00:01:52,660 On Paul's team tonight is a comedian who took 20 00:01:52,700 --> 00:01:55,060 Hispanic Studies at university but dropped out after a year 21 00:01:55,100 --> 00:01:57,700 and a half when he realised there was only one element 22 00:01:57,740 --> 00:01:59,020 he was really good at. 23 00:01:59,060 --> 00:02:01,580 The siesta. 24 00:02:01,620 --> 00:02:04,180 Please welcome Jon Richardson. 25 00:02:04,220 --> 00:02:07,780 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 26 00:02:08,780 --> 00:02:10,420 And we begin with the bigger news 27 00:02:10,460 --> 00:02:11,460 stories of the week. 28 00:02:11,500 --> 00:02:14,660 Ian and Marianna, take a look at this. 29 00:02:14,700 --> 00:02:17,340 Oh, that's the biggest threat to Israel. 30 00:02:17,380 --> 00:02:19,860 Is that British arms or is that aid? 31 00:02:19,900 --> 00:02:21,540 Looking a bit like weapons. 32 00:02:21,580 --> 00:02:24,140 And that's Joe Biden not falling down the stairs. 33 00:02:24,180 --> 00:02:25,180 Not yet. 34 00:02:25,220 --> 00:02:26,940 Not yet. 35 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:29,580 This is the belated realisation that perhaps Israel's war isn't entirely 36 00:02:29,620 --> 00:02:34,020 proportionate or targeted. 37 00:02:34,060 --> 00:02:37,660 The tipping point of the war is now that three British aid 38 00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:41,540 workers have been killed, whereas 30,000 Palestinians have 39 00:02:41,580 --> 00:02:43,900 been killed in the war. 40 00:02:43,940 --> 00:02:46,260 It's grim but true. 41 00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:48,660 If you kill people who aren't Palestinians, then it suddenly 42 00:02:48,700 --> 00:02:52,260 becomes unacceptable. 43 00:02:52,300 --> 00:02:54,260 But it might be a turning point. 44 00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:58,060 How has Israel's Benjamin Netanyahu explained the deadly strike? 45 00:02:58,100 --> 00:03:00,220 Basically saying it was an accident, it wasn't deliberate. 46 00:03:00,260 --> 00:03:01,460 These things happen in war. 47 00:03:01,500 --> 00:03:02,660 Yeah, the fog of war. 48 00:03:02,700 --> 00:03:03,700 It's not very good. 49 00:03:03,740 --> 00:03:06,100 I mean, the head of the Israeli army actually apologised, 50 00:03:06,140 --> 00:03:07,780 but Netanyahu, no. 51 00:03:07,820 --> 00:03:09,700 I mean, there are huge rallies against Netanyahu 52 00:03:09,740 --> 00:03:11,780 in Israel at the moment. 53 00:03:11,820 --> 00:03:13,540 Mm. 54 00:03:13,580 --> 00:03:15,940 I mean, he said the attack on the aid convoy was: 55 00:03:19,020 --> 00:03:20,660 So what is significant about President Biden's 56 00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:22,820 reaction to the attack? 57 00:03:22,860 --> 00:03:25,620 Well, America has supported Israel's right to defend itself 58 00:03:25,660 --> 00:03:29,540 all the way through, but that is now changing. 59 00:03:29,580 --> 00:03:32,180 He's said that enough's enough and Israel have got to change 60 00:03:32,220 --> 00:03:34,660 the way they pursue the war. 61 00:03:34,700 --> 00:03:36,100 Yeah. 62 00:03:36,140 --> 00:03:40,500 He said in a statement that he was outraged and heartbroken. 63 00:03:40,540 --> 00:03:44,140 He's so furious, he's just signed a new arms shipment. 64 00:03:44,180 --> 00:03:46,140 And that's cross. 65 00:03:46,180 --> 00:03:48,300 Staying with the situation in Gaza, here's the 81-year-old 66 00:03:48,340 --> 00:03:52,140 US President speaking at the White House in February. 67 00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:15,820 Couldn't remember the name of Hamas. 68 00:04:15,860 --> 00:04:18,220 In the interests of balance I should make it clear 69 00:04:18,260 --> 00:04:20,380 that his rival for the presidency, 77-year-old Donald Trump, 70 00:04:20,420 --> 00:04:23,260 also seems to be losing his marbles. 71 00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:26,380 Trump was quick to come up with an explanation as to why he'd 72 00:04:26,420 --> 00:04:29,620 said Obama instead of Biden. 73 00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:31,780 He's certainly got a wide range of voices. 74 00:04:31,820 --> 00:04:36,100 But when I say Barack Hussein Obama, the president of our country, 75 00:04:36,140 --> 00:04:39,180 on the news at night, they go, "Donald Trump didn't know 76 00:04:39,220 --> 00:04:42,340 the name of our president! 77 00:04:42,380 --> 00:04:44,260 "He said it was President Obama. 78 00:04:44,300 --> 00:04:46,660 It's President Biden!" 79 00:04:46,700 --> 00:04:49,300 So I have to be very, very careful. 80 00:04:49,340 --> 00:04:51,300 LAUGHTER 81 00:04:51,340 --> 00:04:52,340 Yes, indeed. 82 00:04:52,380 --> 00:04:54,940 Or people might realise you're clinically insane. 83 00:04:54,980 --> 00:04:59,100 APPLAUSE 84 00:05:00,460 --> 00:05:03,300 As many as 70% of Americans have said that they don't want 85 00:05:03,340 --> 00:05:05,820 a Biden/Trump rematch, the oldest people to run 86 00:05:05,860 --> 00:05:10,060 for the presidency in US history. 87 00:05:10,100 --> 00:05:12,180 So why are we here with two old-timers once 88 00:05:12,220 --> 00:05:15,420 again battling it out? 89 00:05:15,460 --> 00:05:19,620 LAUGHTER 90 00:05:20,700 --> 00:05:24,780 APPLAUSE 91 00:05:24,820 --> 00:05:26,300 It's a very simple answer. 92 00:05:26,340 --> 00:05:28,740 Half past three. 93 00:05:28,780 --> 00:05:31,500 We don't care! 94 00:05:31,540 --> 00:05:36,500 OLD PERSON VOICE: What time's dinner? 95 00:05:36,780 --> 00:05:37,780 OK. 96 00:05:37,820 --> 00:05:40,180 Who stepped forward to offer a third option to lead... 97 00:05:40,220 --> 00:05:42,420 Is it Matron? 98 00:05:42,460 --> 00:05:44,020 LAUGHTER 99 00:05:44,060 --> 00:05:46,700 I could keep this up all programme, you know. 100 00:05:46,740 --> 00:05:49,780 A man in Texas intends to run for President and in preparation has 101 00:05:49,820 --> 00:05:52,660 legally changed his name to: 102 00:05:55,820 --> 00:05:58,660 LAUGHTER 103 00:05:58,700 --> 00:06:00,940 That's good. 104 00:06:00,980 --> 00:06:03,860 Donald Trump has had a few cash flow problems recently, 105 00:06:03,900 --> 00:06:08,820 having to post a $175 million bond in his New York civil fraud case. 106 00:06:08,860 --> 00:06:11,820 What fashion item is he selling to raise a few dollars? 107 00:06:11,860 --> 00:06:13,780 The Bible. 108 00:06:13,820 --> 00:06:15,140 Gold trainers. 109 00:06:15,180 --> 00:06:16,820 Gold trainers and the Bible. 110 00:06:16,860 --> 00:06:17,820 Ah! 111 00:06:17,860 --> 00:06:18,860 Yeah! 112 00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:19,900 Ooh, yes. 113 00:06:19,940 --> 00:06:20,940 Yes! 114 00:06:20,980 --> 00:06:22,500 He's turning into Frankie Howerd. 115 00:06:22,540 --> 00:06:24,340 Oh! 116 00:06:24,380 --> 00:06:25,380 Oh! 117 00:06:25,420 --> 00:06:26,420 Oh! 118 00:06:26,460 --> 00:06:27,460 Oh, yes! 119 00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:28,500 Oh! 120 00:06:28,540 --> 00:06:29,540 Yeah. 121 00:06:29,580 --> 00:06:30,740 Hi-top gold sneakers costing $399. 122 00:06:30,780 --> 00:06:33,420 Here they are. 123 00:06:33,460 --> 00:06:37,100 Emblazoned with a gold T. 124 00:06:37,140 --> 00:06:42,100 The sales blurb accompanying them online says: 125 00:06:47,700 --> 00:06:50,020 Both candidates put out Easter messages. 126 00:06:50,060 --> 00:06:53,100 Joe Biden's read: 127 00:06:56,740 --> 00:06:59,140 And here's Donald Trump's: 128 00:07:01,900 --> 00:07:05,740 LAUGHTER 129 00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:24,180 LAUGHTER 130 00:07:24,220 --> 00:07:25,220 I sometimes 131 00:07:25,260 --> 00:07:28,700 wonder whether on Truth Social you can only write in capitals. 132 00:07:28,740 --> 00:07:31,100 It's almost like it's a setting, like he only writes 133 00:07:31,140 --> 00:07:32,140 exclusively in capitals. 134 00:07:32,180 --> 00:07:33,580 He's just got to shout, man. 135 00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:36,900 He's just got to shout. 136 00:07:36,940 --> 00:07:38,340 It's just his style now, though. 137 00:07:38,380 --> 00:07:41,220 He always types in capitals so now maybe you just read it 138 00:07:41,260 --> 00:07:42,260 like he's not shouting. 139 00:07:42,300 --> 00:07:43,460 Like he's not shouting, right. 140 00:07:43,500 --> 00:07:45,620 But normal people use caps as well, don't they, 141 00:07:45,660 --> 00:07:46,820 when they want to emphasise...? 142 00:07:46,860 --> 00:07:48,260 At the beginning of words, Clive. 143 00:07:48,300 --> 00:07:50,900 I think he would write in capitals because he can't do 144 00:07:50,940 --> 00:07:53,460 joined-up letters yet, so that might be what it is. 145 00:07:53,500 --> 00:07:56,820 As it's the first of a new series, guess what I've got for you? 146 00:07:56,860 --> 00:07:58,460 Have we got custom-made bibles? 147 00:07:58,500 --> 00:08:00,220 Have I Got Good News For You? 148 00:08:00,260 --> 00:08:01,740 Well! 149 00:08:01,780 --> 00:08:03,580 Yes. 150 00:08:03,620 --> 00:08:04,820 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 151 00:08:04,860 --> 00:08:05,860 Yes. 152 00:08:05,900 --> 00:08:07,980 Actually, it's a bonus Odd One Out. 153 00:08:08,020 --> 00:08:09,180 Bonus Odd One Out?! 154 00:08:09,220 --> 00:08:11,380 Your four are: Rishi Sunak. 155 00:08:11,420 --> 00:08:13,140 Humza Yousaf. 156 00:08:13,180 --> 00:08:14,660 Vaughan Gething. 157 00:08:14,700 --> 00:08:17,260 And Vladimir Putin. 158 00:08:17,300 --> 00:08:18,340 BELL 159 00:08:18,380 --> 00:08:22,620 Putin is the only one who's won an election. 160 00:08:24,340 --> 00:08:27,180 APPLAUSE 161 00:08:27,220 --> 00:08:30,100 Absolutely right. 162 00:08:30,140 --> 00:08:33,700 The odd one out is Vladimir Putin, and he's the only one of the four 163 00:08:33,740 --> 00:08:35,660 to have faced a popular vote. 164 00:08:35,700 --> 00:08:38,900 He won a landslide victory in Russia's recent general election, 165 00:08:38,940 --> 00:08:41,300 a result announced just a few minutesbefore the election 166 00:08:41,340 --> 00:08:45,940 actually took place. 167 00:08:45,980 --> 00:08:50,020 I'm just wondering, anyone know why Putin defecates into a briefcase? 168 00:08:50,060 --> 00:08:52,900 Oh! 169 00:08:52,940 --> 00:08:55,060 I just thought I'd throw that one out there. 170 00:08:55,100 --> 00:08:56,100 I don't know! 171 00:08:56,140 --> 00:08:57,780 Why does Putin defecate in a briefcase? 172 00:08:57,820 --> 00:08:59,900 Has this happened to you personally? 173 00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:02,020 I met him and he was lovely. 174 00:09:02,060 --> 00:09:03,580 Yeah, he was all right. 175 00:09:03,620 --> 00:09:06,540 Well, according to an article in Paris Match magazine, 176 00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:09,420 when he's abroad, his bodily waste is placed in a dedicated briefcase 177 00:09:09,460 --> 00:09:11,820 for the journey home, leaving nothing behind that could be 178 00:09:11,860 --> 00:09:15,660 analysed to give away anything about his health. 179 00:09:15,700 --> 00:09:18,300 So there you go. 180 00:09:18,340 --> 00:09:19,340 There you go. 181 00:09:19,380 --> 00:09:21,700 This is Joe Biden's increasing... 182 00:09:21,740 --> 00:09:24,300 That's the most incredible use of, "There you go." 183 00:09:24,340 --> 00:09:26,940 Just, "There you go." 184 00:09:26,980 --> 00:09:30,260 "He shits in a briefcase, no more questions, thank you very much." 185 00:09:30,300 --> 00:09:33,140 Does he take a suitcase with him in case he gets diarrhoea? 186 00:09:33,180 --> 00:09:34,540 Oh! 187 00:09:34,580 --> 00:09:35,580 Oh, yeah, blame me. 188 00:09:35,620 --> 00:09:40,580 It's him the one that's having a shit in the bloody briefcase! 189 00:09:40,860 --> 00:09:43,220 Before we move on from some of the grimmer news, 190 00:09:43,260 --> 00:09:46,580 let's take a look moment to admire a masterly tonal gear change by BBC 191 00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:48,700 Breakfast's Jon Kay. 192 00:09:48,740 --> 00:09:51,340 It looks very much like there'll be fewer showers and it 193 00:09:51,380 --> 00:09:52,500 will be a bit drier. 194 00:09:52,540 --> 00:09:54,540 Aww, Carol, thank you. 195 00:09:54,580 --> 00:09:55,860 THEY LAUGH 196 00:09:55,900 --> 00:09:58,500 I'd love to say it's my own work, Sal, but sadly... 197 00:09:58,540 --> 00:09:59,540 It is! 198 00:09:59,580 --> 00:10:00,900 It totally is. 199 00:10:00,940 --> 00:10:02,660 Er, it's 17 minutes past 6. 200 00:10:02,700 --> 00:10:04,860 Now, machetes. 201 00:10:04,900 --> 00:10:09,820 LAUGHTER 202 00:10:12,180 --> 00:10:15,020 Paul and Jon, have a look at this. 203 00:10:15,060 --> 00:10:18,380 Good to have a trade to fall back on. 204 00:10:18,420 --> 00:10:21,380 Early pilot for Deal Or No Deal. 205 00:10:21,420 --> 00:10:24,780 Yes, this is about the election which will be sometime this year 206 00:10:24,820 --> 00:10:26,940 and the latest polls are suggesting that the Conservatives 207 00:10:26,980 --> 00:10:30,060 are going to lose quite badly and up to 11 Cabinet ministers may 208 00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:31,140 lose their seats. 209 00:10:31,180 --> 00:10:32,940 100% correct. 210 00:10:32,980 --> 00:10:33,980 Yeah. 211 00:10:34,020 --> 00:10:36,380 This is the recent disastrous polling for Rishi Sunak that 212 00:10:36,420 --> 00:10:39,020 suggests the Conservatives could be reduced to fewer than 100 seats 213 00:10:39,060 --> 00:10:41,700 at the next general election. 214 00:10:41,740 --> 00:10:42,740 Spot on. 215 00:10:42,780 --> 00:10:44,780 That many? 216 00:10:44,820 --> 00:10:47,820 I'm hoping for none. 217 00:10:47,860 --> 00:10:51,060 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 218 00:10:51,100 --> 00:10:54,780 You'll have to verify this for bias. 219 00:10:54,820 --> 00:10:56,980 All you've got to do is lie constantly, get 220 00:10:57,020 --> 00:10:58,940 {\an8}every big decision wrong, decimate people's lives, 221 00:10:58,980 --> 00:11:03,940 {\an8}and after about 15 years people go, "That'll do, that's enough of that." 222 00:11:04,340 --> 00:11:08,380 Obviously certain sections of the leftie media will be biased 223 00:11:08,420 --> 00:11:10,300 against the Conservatives, so let's give their supporters 224 00:11:10,340 --> 00:11:13,700 a voice, shall we? 225 00:11:13,740 --> 00:11:15,860 Here's the monthly popularity chart of Cabinet ministers conducted 226 00:11:15,900 --> 00:11:18,420 by the Conservative Home website. 227 00:11:18,460 --> 00:11:19,460 All right, pop pickers. 228 00:11:19,500 --> 00:11:22,060 Let's go. 229 00:11:22,100 --> 00:11:25,780 PICK OF THE POPS THEME 230 00:11:33,540 --> 00:11:34,580 JON:Wow. 231 00:11:34,620 --> 00:11:36,660 I don't know who Michael Tomlinson is! 232 00:11:36,700 --> 00:11:39,460 But 39.5 people seem to dislike him. 233 00:11:39,500 --> 00:11:42,340 No, I mean, this is all those lefties in the Conservative Party 234 00:11:42,380 --> 00:11:44,220 who don't like their own MPs. 235 00:11:44,260 --> 00:11:48,540 And the most unpopular of all, bar the one, is the Prime Minister. 236 00:11:48,580 --> 00:11:50,460 Despite all he's done! 237 00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:52,860 I mean, this week he was out on local radio... 238 00:11:52,900 --> 00:11:53,900 Yeah. 239 00:11:53,940 --> 00:11:56,300 He goes out and someone says, "Well, when's the election?" 240 00:11:56,340 --> 00:11:57,500 He goes, "Ha-ha...ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha-ha... 241 00:11:57,540 --> 00:12:00,460 "Ha...ha." 242 00:12:00,500 --> 00:12:02,380 That's it. 243 00:12:02,420 --> 00:12:03,980 He obviously doesn't care. 244 00:12:04,020 --> 00:12:06,140 And if he's laughing like that in an interview, 245 00:12:06,180 --> 00:12:07,580 what is he like at home? 246 00:12:07,620 --> 00:12:09,980 If his wife's like, "Have you put the bins out?" 247 00:12:10,020 --> 00:12:11,220 HE CACKLES LOUDLY 248 00:12:11,260 --> 00:12:13,140 I quite like the way he's ruling out 249 00:12:13,180 --> 00:12:15,060 the election days sort of one by one. 250 00:12:15,100 --> 00:12:16,220 Yes. 251 00:12:16,260 --> 00:12:17,260 "It's not this day. 252 00:12:17,300 --> 00:12:19,420 But it could be any of the other 364!" 253 00:12:19,460 --> 00:12:22,060 The fact is, a record 11 cabinet members have a negative 254 00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:25,220 rating, and poor Michael Tomlinson! 255 00:12:25,260 --> 00:12:27,980 -39.5! 256 00:12:28,020 --> 00:12:29,900 Would you like to see him presenting himself 257 00:12:29,940 --> 00:12:33,060 as an ordinary bloke on Sky News? 258 00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:36,140 But I do enjoy watching sport and if you want to ask me 259 00:12:36,180 --> 00:12:37,820 about cricket or sport, then please do. 260 00:12:37,860 --> 00:12:38,900 Who's your football team? 261 00:12:38,940 --> 00:12:39,900 My football... 262 00:12:39,940 --> 00:12:41,580 I don't really have a football team. 263 00:12:41,620 --> 00:12:43,260 So you're not a sports fan, really. 264 00:12:43,300 --> 00:12:44,340 I'm a cricket fan! 265 00:12:44,380 --> 00:12:45,980 I love sport, I enjoy watching sport. 266 00:12:46,020 --> 00:12:49,340 But it would be wrong to tell you that I have a football team. 267 00:12:49,380 --> 00:12:50,420 I've been to... 268 00:12:50,460 --> 00:12:52,540 I've been to Bournemouth, I've been to various other 269 00:12:52,580 --> 00:12:54,700 grounds, but I don't have a specific football team. 270 00:12:54,740 --> 00:12:55,740 OK. 271 00:12:55,780 --> 00:12:56,780 It's good to see. 272 00:12:56,820 --> 00:12:57,820 Wimborne Town Football Club! 273 00:12:57,860 --> 00:12:58,860 OK. 274 00:12:58,900 --> 00:12:59,980 There we go. 275 00:13:00,020 --> 00:13:00,940 Wimborne Town. 276 00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:02,020 OK. 277 00:13:02,060 --> 00:13:03,180 What was their last result? 278 00:13:03,220 --> 00:13:04,420 I couldn't tell you that. 279 00:13:04,460 --> 00:13:07,060 The last result when I was there, it was very exciting. 280 00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:09,660 Lots of goals were scored and it was a one-all draw. 281 00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:10,700 LAUGHTER 282 00:13:10,740 --> 00:13:13,780 He's done well to get -39, really, hasn't he? 283 00:13:13,820 --> 00:13:16,180 And people, they still can't seem to disguise their feelings 284 00:13:16,220 --> 00:13:18,660 about Jeremy Hunt. 285 00:13:18,700 --> 00:13:21,020 The Labour leader is the latest to criticise the Government 286 00:13:21,060 --> 00:13:24,860 for using taxpayers' money to compensate for a minister's 287 00:13:24,900 --> 00:13:27,940 mistake after the Science Secretary Michelle Donelan falsely accused 288 00:13:27,980 --> 00:13:30,900 an academic of supporting Hamas. 289 00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:33,060 She spoke to Mr Cunt... 290 00:13:33,100 --> 00:13:34,140 Mr Hunt. 291 00:13:34,180 --> 00:13:37,340 How did he respond to calls for her to resign? 292 00:13:37,380 --> 00:13:42,180 LAUGHTER 293 00:13:42,220 --> 00:13:44,060 Have you frozen it just at the point 294 00:13:44,100 --> 00:13:47,420 when she realises what she said? 295 00:13:47,460 --> 00:13:52,420 And while he's thinking to himself, "Is this going out live?" 296 00:13:52,500 --> 00:13:55,460 Marianna, who's been doing the spear-fishing? 297 00:13:55,500 --> 00:13:59,020 Fishing with a P-H rather than an F, I believe. 298 00:13:59,060 --> 00:14:01,940 And I think it's a lot of MPs who've been getting explicit 299 00:14:01,980 --> 00:14:04,540 photos sent to them, which are sort of like a phishing 300 00:14:04,580 --> 00:14:08,180 trap to try and get them to reply and then maybe get pictures of them 301 00:14:08,220 --> 00:14:09,820 or get them to send photos back. 302 00:14:09,860 --> 00:14:11,380 So it's a sting? 303 00:14:11,420 --> 00:14:15,020 It's a sting, it's like a scam, it's a way of trying to get people's 304 00:14:15,060 --> 00:14:17,380 personal details or get them to share stuff with you. 305 00:14:17,420 --> 00:14:20,740 And there seem to be quite a few MPs who've been targeted with it. 306 00:14:20,780 --> 00:14:22,900 Well, I think some people are sending really revolting 307 00:14:22,940 --> 00:14:26,740 pictures of potholes and saying, "Can you sort this out?" 308 00:14:26,780 --> 00:14:29,340 It always baffles me that men choose to send... 309 00:14:29,380 --> 00:14:32,900 It's the last thing I show anyone. 310 00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:35,100 But you do show it? 311 00:14:35,140 --> 00:14:36,380 But it's the last thing. 312 00:14:36,420 --> 00:14:38,980 It makes an appearance eventually. 313 00:14:39,020 --> 00:14:41,380 "These are the curtains in my back bedroom, "and now, 314 00:14:41,420 --> 00:14:44,460 star of the show..." 315 00:14:44,500 --> 00:14:45,620 Moving swiftly on... 316 00:14:45,660 --> 00:14:47,220 Yes. 317 00:14:47,260 --> 00:14:50,660 ..what about the exciting new Reform party? 318 00:14:50,700 --> 00:14:53,540 How many seats are they predicted to gain at the next election? 319 00:14:53,580 --> 00:14:55,460 Well, they're polling on just the same amount 320 00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:57,500 as the Tories, is that right? 321 00:14:57,540 --> 00:14:58,540 No - none. 322 00:14:58,580 --> 00:14:59,740 None? 323 00:14:59,780 --> 00:15:00,980 According to the poll. 324 00:15:01,020 --> 00:15:02,660 Oh, thank goodness for the electoral system. 325 00:15:02,700 --> 00:15:03,860 Yes. 326 00:15:03,900 --> 00:15:06,140 According to the poll... 327 00:15:08,060 --> 00:15:12,580 ..as the Lib Dems look on enviously. 328 00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:16,060 And this is despite Reform's newest recruit, Lee Anderson. 329 00:15:16,100 --> 00:15:18,620 Oh! 330 00:15:18,660 --> 00:15:19,660 PAUL CHUCKLES 331 00:15:19,700 --> 00:15:21,420 He's great, isn't he? 332 00:15:21,460 --> 00:15:22,860 I'm sure he's a glove puppet. 333 00:15:22,900 --> 00:15:24,820 There can't be a human being like that. 334 00:15:24,860 --> 00:15:27,420 He just comes out with the most ridiculous load of nonsense. 335 00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:30,540 He's usually referred to as Lee-Anderthal. 336 00:15:30,580 --> 00:15:35,580 Did you see the interesting way Sophy Ridge introduced him? 337 00:15:36,860 --> 00:15:38,740 Also tonight, one of the Conservative Party's most 338 00:15:38,780 --> 00:15:41,820 prominent MPs from the 2019 intake, Lee Anderson, defects to Reform UK 339 00:15:41,860 --> 00:15:44,660 as one of the last pricks in the so-called Tory red wall 340 00:15:44,700 --> 00:15:47,540 has crumbled away. 341 00:15:47,580 --> 00:15:52,540 WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE 342 00:15:54,140 --> 00:15:55,300 Clearly, broadcasters feel there's not 343 00:15:55,340 --> 00:15:57,860 going to be a Conservative government for much longer. 344 00:15:57,900 --> 00:15:58,900 No. 345 00:15:58,940 --> 00:16:01,860 They're getting a bit demob-happy, aren't they? 346 00:16:01,900 --> 00:16:03,820 And she didn't even correct herself. 347 00:16:03,860 --> 00:16:06,460 Who is the leadership candidate coming up quietly on the rails? 348 00:16:06,500 --> 00:16:08,540 Er, Nigel Farage. 349 00:16:08,580 --> 00:16:10,900 Hmm, no. 350 00:16:10,940 --> 00:16:13,580 According to the Times, Priti Patel. 351 00:16:13,620 --> 00:16:17,420 AUDIENCE GROANS 352 00:16:17,940 --> 00:16:20,500 Apparently... 353 00:16:24,060 --> 00:16:27,180 And that was her looking in the mirror. 354 00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:29,220 Yes. 355 00:16:29,260 --> 00:16:30,900 And who's secretly behind Priti Patel? 356 00:16:30,940 --> 00:16:34,300 Apparently, Liz Truss is backing Priti Patel, 357 00:16:34,340 --> 00:16:36,700 but Priti Patel obviously doesn't want anyone to know that. 358 00:16:36,740 --> 00:16:40,460 That's the end of your campaign. 359 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:44,380 Ian, you are right, Liz Truss - Liz and the PopCons. 360 00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:47,460 They're actually a group called... 361 00:16:48,220 --> 00:16:51,140 Yes, there's an oxymoron. 362 00:16:51,180 --> 00:16:53,140 What's their master plan? 363 00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:55,860 They're trying a few last-minute ideas - 364 00:16:55,900 --> 00:16:57,780 criminalising the homeless, which is going to apply 365 00:16:57,820 --> 00:17:01,140 to a lot of them quite soon. 366 00:17:01,180 --> 00:17:04,220 What they want to do is install a... 367 00:17:10,620 --> 00:17:13,180 One insider told the Telegraph... 368 00:17:15,580 --> 00:17:19,740 So they'll do it! 369 00:17:19,780 --> 00:17:22,580 Well, who has been giving the Conservatives some bad news? 370 00:17:22,620 --> 00:17:26,660 The eccentric boffin and election egghead Professor John Curtice. 371 00:17:26,700 --> 00:17:30,100 He's declared that there is... 372 00:17:34,180 --> 00:17:35,780 Wow. 373 00:17:35,820 --> 00:17:38,420 Who are some of the rising stars of the Labour Party? 374 00:17:38,460 --> 00:17:39,620 Angela Rayner. 375 00:17:39,660 --> 00:17:41,020 Ooh. 376 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,700 But, ooh, what about the council tax? 377 00:17:42,740 --> 00:17:44,140 You're not going to believe this. 378 00:17:44,180 --> 00:17:47,220 Angela Rayner may have fiddled up to... 379 00:17:47,260 --> 00:17:51,380 ..£1,500 on her council tax, says a book published by Lord Ashcroft, 380 00:17:51,420 --> 00:17:56,380 who avoided £112 million when he was a non-dom. 381 00:17:58,140 --> 00:18:03,060 I think that means she's guilty. 382 00:18:03,100 --> 00:18:05,940 Allegedly. 383 00:18:05,980 --> 00:18:08,340 I can feel that you're walking this tightrope, Clive - 384 00:18:08,380 --> 00:18:10,980 reading the Ten O'Clock News or the Jobcentre, and you're just 385 00:18:11,020 --> 00:18:12,980 walking down the middle. 386 00:18:13,020 --> 00:18:16,340 Yeah, this is the unofficial countdown to the general election. 387 00:18:16,380 --> 00:18:18,260 Former Defence Minister Ben Wallace attempted to rally 388 00:18:18,300 --> 00:18:20,460 Tory MPs by saying... 389 00:18:27,660 --> 00:18:30,020 And after that, Ben, you put on your spangly catsuit 390 00:18:30,060 --> 00:18:33,260 and you go on Strictly. 391 00:18:33,300 --> 00:18:36,940 Rishi Sunak sneaked out a quick honours list over Easter. 392 00:18:36,980 --> 00:18:39,340 According to the Guardian, a businessman who donated £5 million 393 00:18:39,380 --> 00:18:43,460 to the Conservative Party was unexpectedly given a knighthood. 394 00:18:43,500 --> 00:18:46,100 Unexpectedly, because at no point had he been quoted as saying 395 00:18:46,140 --> 00:18:50,740 he wants to shoot a black woman. 396 00:18:50,780 --> 00:18:52,260 AUDIENCE MURMUR UNCOMFORTABLY 397 00:18:52,300 --> 00:18:53,300 The thing... 398 00:18:53,340 --> 00:18:55,660 For Rishi Sunak, this is specifically not allowed. 399 00:18:55,700 --> 00:18:59,180 I mean, I don't understand why both Mr Mansour, 400 00:18:59,220 --> 00:19:02,020 who used to be an Egyptian cabinet minister under a very autocratic 401 00:19:02,060 --> 00:19:05,180 regime, he has come to Britain and given the Tories a huge amount 402 00:19:05,220 --> 00:19:08,740 of money, and he immediately gets a knighthood. 403 00:19:08,780 --> 00:19:10,620 That seems to me straightforwardly corrupt. 404 00:19:10,660 --> 00:19:14,100 Shouldn't they both be in jail? 405 00:19:14,140 --> 00:19:17,140 APPLAUSE 406 00:19:17,180 --> 00:19:18,580 I ask that as a question. 407 00:19:18,620 --> 00:19:22,020 I have no idea what the answer is. 408 00:19:22,060 --> 00:19:25,820 And so to round two, the jazzed-up jigsaw of news. 409 00:19:25,860 --> 00:19:27,020 Fingers on the buzzers, teams. 410 00:19:27,060 --> 00:19:28,620 Yes. 411 00:19:28,660 --> 00:19:32,420 JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS 412 00:19:32,460 --> 00:19:34,420 BELL 413 00:19:34,460 --> 00:19:36,100 This is this statue of Prince Philip 414 00:19:36,140 --> 00:19:38,780 that was outside Cambridge University. 415 00:19:38,820 --> 00:19:41,540 I think it's called The Don or something like that, 416 00:19:41,580 --> 00:19:44,940 and everyone was very upset about it cos they thought it was very ugly 417 00:19:44,980 --> 00:19:47,540 and they didn't like it and it's now being taken down. 418 00:19:47,580 --> 00:19:49,020 What do you think of it? 419 00:19:49,060 --> 00:19:51,620 It looks like one of the Dementors. 420 00:19:51,660 --> 00:19:53,060 Who's taken issue with the statue? 421 00:19:53,100 --> 00:19:54,260 Everybody, I would have thought. 422 00:19:54,300 --> 00:19:55,300 Yeah. 423 00:19:55,340 --> 00:19:56,980 In 2014, it was refused planning permission 424 00:19:57,020 --> 00:19:59,260 from Cambridge City Council, who called it... 425 00:20:03,140 --> 00:20:05,580 So what's going to happen to it now? 426 00:20:05,620 --> 00:20:07,140 I'll have it. 427 00:20:07,180 --> 00:20:09,060 You'll have it? 428 00:20:09,100 --> 00:20:11,980 You'd get 50 grand for it, wouldn't you, just selling it off? 429 00:20:12,020 --> 00:20:14,620 Someone'll have that tat, won't they? 430 00:20:14,660 --> 00:20:16,300 The property development firm who commissioned it, 431 00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:18,460 they say they would... 432 00:20:21,380 --> 00:20:24,380 ..ie, the tip. 433 00:20:24,420 --> 00:20:26,500 Why has a sculpture of Sir Paul McCartney been 434 00:20:26,540 --> 00:20:28,260 in the news recently? 435 00:20:28,300 --> 00:20:29,780 It must be another bad sculpture. 436 00:20:29,820 --> 00:20:32,660 It wouldn't be in the news if it was a good one. 437 00:20:32,700 --> 00:20:33,700 There you go. 438 00:20:33,740 --> 00:20:35,860 Artist Wilfrid Wood claims a clay sculpture he made 439 00:20:35,900 --> 00:20:37,780 of the Beatle was... 440 00:20:39,460 --> 00:20:41,860 See what you think. 441 00:20:49,940 --> 00:20:52,540 Paul, this gives us a perfect excuse to bring up one 442 00:20:52,580 --> 00:20:54,740 of Wilfrid's earlier works. 443 00:21:03,140 --> 00:21:04,900 Wasn't there one of Ian as well? 444 00:21:04,940 --> 00:21:09,060 Oh, haven't you bothered to get that one, Mr Neutral? 445 00:21:11,300 --> 00:21:15,460 All right, can you take it off the screen now? 446 00:21:15,500 --> 00:21:17,860 Well, we haven't got Ian, but we've got Chris Whitty. 447 00:21:17,900 --> 00:21:22,860 I'm happy with that. 448 00:21:26,500 --> 00:21:28,500 Buzzers on the teams, please. 449 00:21:28,540 --> 00:21:32,700 Buzzers on the teams? 450 00:21:34,460 --> 00:21:38,900 JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS 451 00:21:38,940 --> 00:21:40,180 BUZZER 452 00:21:40,220 --> 00:21:41,380 Ah, yes, they've found some 453 00:21:41,420 --> 00:21:45,980 water in a load of shit. 454 00:21:47,540 --> 00:21:50,860 It's the dreadful case about how the state of our rivers and the seas 455 00:21:50,900 --> 00:21:53,100 are being heavily polluted by these water authorities. 456 00:21:53,140 --> 00:21:56,180 The Boat Race last week, the Cambridge versus Oxford, 457 00:21:56,220 --> 00:21:57,820 the same two teams reaching the final. 458 00:21:57,860 --> 00:22:00,540 There was a... 459 00:22:00,580 --> 00:22:01,580 LAUGHTER 460 00:22:01,620 --> 00:22:04,220 I think it was the Cambridge team who got very ill 461 00:22:04,260 --> 00:22:06,060 and they blamed it on E. Coli. 462 00:22:06,100 --> 00:22:09,380 The water's so dirty, you can't even dip your cox in it any more. 463 00:22:09,420 --> 00:22:12,820 Yeah. 464 00:22:13,940 --> 00:22:17,140 What has recently been discovered in a harbour near Portsmouth? 465 00:22:17,180 --> 00:22:19,540 It's not all the money stolen by the water companies 466 00:22:19,580 --> 00:22:20,740 over the years, is it? 467 00:22:20,780 --> 00:22:21,820 You say stolen? 468 00:22:21,860 --> 00:22:23,740 Well, the water companies, since they were privatised, 469 00:22:23,780 --> 00:22:26,420 have basically just run up debt. 470 00:22:26,460 --> 00:22:29,620 They haven't built anything new, they haven't invested in anything, 471 00:22:29,660 --> 00:22:32,020 they have literally borrowed money in order to give it 472 00:22:32,060 --> 00:22:33,700 to their shareholders and to their investors. 473 00:22:33,740 --> 00:22:35,100 And again, I... 474 00:22:35,140 --> 00:22:37,980 I think this is theft. 475 00:22:38,020 --> 00:22:41,900 APPLAUSE 476 00:22:41,940 --> 00:22:44,300 They are blaming the fact that the rivers are becoming 477 00:22:44,340 --> 00:22:45,500 polluted through too much water. 478 00:22:45,540 --> 00:22:47,660 It's raining too much, which normally as a water 479 00:22:47,700 --> 00:22:50,060 authority would be good news, cos then you could fill 480 00:22:50,100 --> 00:22:51,220 up your reservoir. 481 00:22:51,260 --> 00:22:54,340 But literally in the middle of last week, a number of them announced 482 00:22:54,380 --> 00:22:56,740 hosepipe bans were going to come in later this year. 483 00:22:56,780 --> 00:23:01,740 I mean, the river's not the only thing full of shit. 484 00:23:01,980 --> 00:23:03,420 What was discovered near Portsmouth? 485 00:23:03,460 --> 00:23:05,100 Well, the marine biologist Professor Alex Ford, 486 00:23:05,140 --> 00:23:07,740 he and his team discovered that every single marine species living 487 00:23:07,780 --> 00:23:09,900 in the contaminated water was full of a variety 488 00:23:09,940 --> 00:23:13,220 of drugs, including... 489 00:23:15,300 --> 00:23:17,420 Now, here he is, talking to Good Morning Britain 490 00:23:17,460 --> 00:23:19,900 about the discovery. 491 00:23:19,940 --> 00:23:22,780 Yeah, so, Alex, they're just asking about the cocaine that you found. 492 00:23:22,820 --> 00:23:25,180 You're sampling these marine species and you're finding that what's 493 00:23:25,220 --> 00:23:27,340 in the sewage water ends up in those species? 494 00:23:27,380 --> 00:23:29,780 Exactly. 495 00:23:29,820 --> 00:23:33,620 The drugs affect this wildlife in the same way that they do us. 496 00:23:33,660 --> 00:23:36,500 If you give a fish the contraceptive pill, it starts to feminise. 497 00:23:36,540 --> 00:23:39,060 If you give crabs antidepressants, it changes their behaviour 498 00:23:39,100 --> 00:23:41,340 because those drugs were designed to change behaviour. 499 00:23:41,380 --> 00:23:44,940 So if you give them illegal drugs as well, it has very much the same 500 00:23:44,980 --> 00:23:47,580 effect on them that it would do on people as well. 501 00:23:47,620 --> 00:23:50,500 Haddock are up all night, planning to form production companies. 502 00:23:50,540 --> 00:23:55,500 Quite like the idea of a crab on antidepressants. 503 00:23:55,900 --> 00:24:00,860 "I've finally realised I could have been walking forward all this time." 504 00:24:03,020 --> 00:24:05,140 All this explains why the local branch of Itsu 505 00:24:05,180 --> 00:24:07,060 recently received a visit from a new quality 506 00:24:07,100 --> 00:24:11,820 control inspector. 507 00:24:11,860 --> 00:24:15,700 Did anyone see the BBC's environment correspondent Jonah Fisher? 508 00:24:15,740 --> 00:24:18,620 He covered the sewage crisis on the BBC News at Ten last 509 00:24:18,660 --> 00:24:19,620 week, anyone see that? 510 00:24:19,660 --> 00:24:24,620 No, I don't watch it, to be honest. 511 00:24:25,180 --> 00:24:27,060 Jonah Fisher, he visited a sewage treatment works 512 00:24:27,100 --> 00:24:29,260 in Surrey to get close up... 513 00:24:29,300 --> 00:24:30,660 They're treating sewage? 514 00:24:30,700 --> 00:24:33,540 "Let's go to the pictures." 515 00:24:33,580 --> 00:24:34,580 "More cocaine?" 516 00:24:34,620 --> 00:24:39,580 "Certainly." 517 00:24:39,780 --> 00:24:42,620 And I'll tell you what, when he went to the sewage works, 518 00:24:42,660 --> 00:24:43,820 he didn't mince his words. 519 00:24:43,860 --> 00:24:45,860 We've seen, you know, solids floating past. 520 00:24:45,900 --> 00:24:47,380 Turds? 521 00:24:47,420 --> 00:24:50,700 Yeah, turds. 522 00:24:50,740 --> 00:24:54,060 This is the news that UK rivers are full of cocaine and sewage, so, 523 00:24:54,100 --> 00:24:57,820 good shit, bad shit. 524 00:24:57,860 --> 00:25:01,740 It was reported that in the village of Allonby in Cumbria, 525 00:25:01,780 --> 00:25:05,900 sewage was pumped out for 4,500 hours nonstop, a record 526 00:25:05,940 --> 00:25:10,900 matched only by GB News. 527 00:25:14,140 --> 00:25:17,340 Time now for the missing words round, which this week features 528 00:25:17,380 --> 00:25:20,580 as its guest publication Brew Your Own, the how-to magazine 529 00:25:20,620 --> 00:25:22,500 for home-brewed beer. 530 00:25:22,540 --> 00:25:24,620 And we start with... 531 00:25:26,620 --> 00:25:27,780 Oh, I know this one. 532 00:25:27,820 --> 00:25:29,460 "I never talk before noon," says Lulu. 533 00:25:29,500 --> 00:25:32,820 She's going on a farewell tour at the age of 75 and her voice 534 00:25:32,860 --> 00:25:35,220 is in perfect condition and she never talks before noon 535 00:25:35,260 --> 00:25:36,660 to protect her voice, says Lulu. 536 00:25:36,700 --> 00:25:39,260 Give that man 100 points! 537 00:25:40,500 --> 00:25:43,260 You've been answering every question "Lulu" for 30 years. 538 00:25:43,300 --> 00:25:46,460 And now it's paid off. 539 00:25:46,500 --> 00:25:48,540 Next... 540 00:25:50,500 --> 00:25:53,180 Lulu! 541 00:25:53,220 --> 00:25:56,940 Threesomes! 542 00:25:56,980 --> 00:25:58,620 Planning, dedication, understanding spouse. 543 00:25:58,660 --> 00:26:02,260 Someone's got to make the tea. 544 00:26:02,300 --> 00:26:06,540 Absolutely bloody everything after the age of 40. 545 00:26:06,580 --> 00:26:09,460 It is... 546 00:26:15,860 --> 00:26:20,020 Ah, yeah, but in certain circles, that's a euphemism for a threesome. 547 00:26:20,060 --> 00:26:23,340 "I'm going on a beer holiday to Dusseldorf. 548 00:26:23,380 --> 00:26:26,300 "Just get out my lederhosen." 549 00:26:26,340 --> 00:26:28,460 And finally... 550 00:26:31,660 --> 00:26:36,220 "Get me down Caerphilly." 551 00:26:36,260 --> 00:26:37,820 Yes. 552 00:26:37,860 --> 00:26:42,820 There we are. 553 00:26:49,100 --> 00:26:50,980 This is pensioner Anne Hughes from South Wales, 554 00:26:51,020 --> 00:26:52,020 who went viral recently. 555 00:26:52,060 --> 00:26:55,420 Here's the moment it all went wrong. 556 00:27:15,740 --> 00:27:20,660 Some people are shoplifters, other people are lifted by shops. 557 00:27:23,660 --> 00:27:26,460 And the final scores are, Paul and Jon, six points. 558 00:27:26,500 --> 00:27:30,580 Ian and Marianna, seven points. 559 00:27:30,620 --> 00:27:34,420 That's only because you're on this side. 560 00:27:34,460 --> 00:27:36,980 But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition. 561 00:27:37,020 --> 00:27:40,140 Ian and Marianna have this. 562 00:27:40,180 --> 00:27:45,140 Is that Putin's briefcase? 563 00:27:45,220 --> 00:27:48,580 And Paul and Jon, you've got this. 564 00:27:48,620 --> 00:27:53,580 "This is the first time I've been on a beer trip to Dusseldorf." 565 00:27:56,700 --> 00:27:59,060 On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, 566 00:27:59,100 --> 00:28:01,940 Ian Hislop and Marianna Spring, Paul Merton and Jon Richardson. 567 00:28:01,980 --> 00:28:06,060 And I leave you with news that on a field trip to the Cotswolds, 568 00:28:06,100 --> 00:28:08,460 a group of schoolchildren decide to keep schtoom after watching 569 00:28:08,500 --> 00:28:11,220 a goat urinate all over the spring onion patch. 570 00:28:17,020 --> 00:28:19,380 In Ashfield, an open-top bus driver desperately fights the urge 571 00:28:19,420 --> 00:28:21,620 to slam on the brakes. 572 00:28:24,700 --> 00:28:27,740 And at Crufts, it looks like there's a sure-fire winner for the title 573 00:28:27,780 --> 00:28:30,340 of most ambitious crossbreed. 574 00:28:35,860 --> 00:28:39,820 Goodnight.