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This programme contains
very strong language
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CHEERING
AND APPLAUSE
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Good evening.
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Welcome to Have I Got News for You?
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I'm Clive Myrie.
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In the news this week,
following an appearance
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at a right-wing conference
in the US, Liz Truss has awoken
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bright and early after a night
on the sparkling wine.
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There you go!
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On Runway Two at Heathrow,
as immigration officers close in,
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a cunning stowaway tries to make
a break for it.
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And in North Korea, a TV
documentary offers a rare
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insight into the home life
of Kim Jong-un's personal trainer.
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On Ian's team tonight is the BBC's
first-ever disinformation specialist
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and the target of over 80%
of the BBC's online abuse.
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Let's see how that stacks up
after I'm done tonight.
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Please welcome Marianna Spring.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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On Paul's team
tonight is a comedian who took
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Hispanic Studies at university
but dropped out after a year
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and a half when he realised
there was only one element
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he was really good at.
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The siesta.
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Please welcome Jon Richardson.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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And we begin
with the bigger news
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stories of the week.
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Ian and Marianna,
take a look at this.
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Oh, that's the biggest
threat to Israel.
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Is that British arms or is that aid?
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Looking a bit like weapons.
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And that's Joe Biden not
falling down the stairs.
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Not yet.
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Not yet.
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This is the belated realisation that
perhaps Israel's war isn't entirely
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proportionate or targeted.
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The tipping point of the war
is now that three British aid
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workers have been killed,
whereas 30,000 Palestinians have
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been killed in the war.
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It's grim but true.
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If you kill people who aren't
Palestinians, then it suddenly
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becomes unacceptable.
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But it might be a turning point.
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How has Israel's Benjamin Netanyahu
explained the deadly strike?
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Basically saying it was an accident,
it wasn't deliberate.
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These things happen in war.
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Yeah, the fog of war.
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It's not very good.
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I mean, the head of the Israeli army
actually apologised,
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but Netanyahu, no.
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I mean, there are huge
rallies against Netanyahu
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in Israel at the moment.
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Mm.
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I mean, he said the attack
on the aid convoy was:
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So what is significant
about President Biden's
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reaction to the attack?
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Well, America has supported Israel's
right to defend itself
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all the way through,
but that is now changing.
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He's said that enough's enough
and Israel have got to change
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the way they pursue the war.
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Yeah.
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He said in a statement that he was
outraged and heartbroken.
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He's so furious, he's just signed
a new arms shipment.
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And that's cross.
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Staying with the situation in Gaza,
here's the 81-year-old
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US President speaking
at the White House in February.
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Couldn't remember the name of Hamas.
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In the interests of balance
I should make it clear
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that his rival for the presidency,
77-year-old Donald Trump,
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also seems to be losing his marbles.
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Trump was quick to come up
with an explanation as to why he'd
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said Obama instead of Biden.
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He's certainly got
a wide range of voices.
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But when I say Barack Hussein Obama,
the president of our country,
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on the news at night,
they go, "Donald Trump didn't know
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the name of our president!
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"He said it was President Obama.
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It's President Biden!"
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So I have to be very, very careful.
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LAUGHTER
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Yes, indeed.
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Or people might realise
you're clinically insane.
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APPLAUSE
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As many as 70% of Americans
have said that they don't want
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a Biden/Trump rematch,
the oldest people to run
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for the presidency in US history.
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So why are we here with
two old-timers once
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again battling it out?
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LAUGHTER
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APPLAUSE
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It's
a very simple answer.
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Half past three.
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We don't care!
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OLD PERSON VOICE:
What time's dinner?
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OK.
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Who stepped forward to offer
a third option to lead...
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Is it Matron?
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LAUGHTER
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I could keep this up
all programme, you know.
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A man in Texas intends to run
for President and in preparation has
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legally changed his name to:
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LAUGHTER
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That's good.
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Donald Trump has had a few cash
flow problems recently,
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having to post a $175 million bond
in his New York civil fraud case.
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What fashion item is he selling
to raise a few dollars?
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The Bible.
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Gold trainers.
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Gold trainers and the Bible.
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Ah!
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Yeah!
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Ooh, yes.
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Yes!
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He's turning into Frankie Howerd.
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Oh!
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Oh!
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Oh, yes!
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Oh!
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Yeah.
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Hi-top gold sneakers costing $399.
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Here they are.
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Emblazoned with a gold T.
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The sales blurb accompanying them
online says:
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Both candidates put
out Easter messages.
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Joe Biden's read:
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And here's
Donald Trump's:
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LAUGHTER
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LAUGHTER
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I sometimes
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wonder whether on Truth Social
you can only write in capitals.
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It's almost like it's a setting,
like he only writes
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exclusively in capitals.
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He's just got to shout, man.
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He's just got to shout.
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It's just his style now, though.
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He always types in capitals so now
maybe you just read it
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like he's not shouting.
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Like he's not shouting, right.
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But normal people use caps
as well, don't they,
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when they want to emphasise...?
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At the beginning of words, Clive.
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I think he would write
in capitals because he can't do
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joined-up letters yet,
so that might be what it is.
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As it's the first of a new series,
guess what I've got for you?
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Have we got custom-made bibles?
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Have I Got Good News For You?
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Well!
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Yes.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Yes.
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Actually, it's a bonus Odd One Out.
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Bonus Odd One Out?!
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Your four are: Rishi Sunak.
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Humza Yousaf.
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Vaughan Gething.
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And Vladimir Putin.
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BELL
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Putin is the only one
who's won an election.
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APPLAUSE
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Absolutely right.
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The odd one out is Vladimir Putin,
and he's the only one of the four
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to have faced a popular vote.
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He won a landslide victory
in Russia's recent general election,
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a result announced just a few
minutes before the election
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actually took place.
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I'm just wondering, anyone know why
Putin defecates into a briefcase?
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Oh!
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I just thought I'd throw
that one out there.
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I don't know!
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Why does Putin defecate
in a briefcase?
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Has this happened to you personally?
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I met him and he was lovely.
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Yeah, he was all right.
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Well, according to an article
in Paris Match magazine,
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when he's abroad, his bodily waste
is placed in a dedicated briefcase
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for the journey home,
leaving nothing behind that could be
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analysed to give away
anything about his health.
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So there you go.
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There you go.
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This is Joe Biden's increasing...
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That's the most incredible
use of, "There you go."
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Just, "There you go."
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"He shits in a briefcase, no more
questions, thank you very much."
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Does he take a suitcase with him
in case he gets diarrhoea?
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Oh!
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Oh, yeah, blame me.
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It's him the one that's having
a shit in the bloody briefcase!
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Before we move on from some
of the grimmer news,
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let's take a look moment to admire
a masterly tonal gear change by BBC
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Breakfast's Jon Kay.
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It looks very much like there'll be
fewer showers and it
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will be a bit drier.
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Aww, Carol, thank you.
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THEY LAUGH
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I'd love to say
it's my own work, Sal, but sadly...
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It is!
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It totally is.
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Er, it's 17 minutes past 6.
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Now, machetes.
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LAUGHTER
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Paul and Jon,
have a look at this.
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Good to have a trade
to fall back on.
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Early pilot for Deal Or No Deal.
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Yes, this is about the election
which will be sometime this year
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and the latest polls are suggesting
that the Conservatives
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are going to lose quite badly and up
to 11 Cabinet ministers may
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lose their seats.
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100% correct.
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Yeah.
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This is the recent disastrous
polling for Rishi Sunak that
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suggests the Conservatives could be
reduced to fewer than 100 seats
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at the next general election.
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Spot on.
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That many?
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I'm hoping for none.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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You'll have
to verify this for bias.
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All you've got to do
is lie constantly, get
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00:10:56,820 --> 00:10:58,780
every big decision wrong,
decimate people's lives,
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and after about 15 years people go,
"That'll do, that's enough of that."
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00:11:04,140 --> 00:11:08,220
Obviously certain sections
of the leftie media will be biased
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00:11:08,220 --> 00:11:10,140
against the Conservatives,
so let's give their supporters
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00:11:10,140 --> 00:11:13,540
a voice, shall we?
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00:11:13,540 --> 00:11:15,700
Here's the monthly popularity chart
of Cabinet ministers conducted
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00:11:15,700 --> 00:11:18,260
by the Conservative Home website.
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00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:19,300
All right, pop pickers.
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Let's go.
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PICK OF THE POPS THEME
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JON: Wow.
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I don't know who
Michael Tomlinson is!
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00:11:36,500 --> 00:11:39,300
But 39.5 people seem to dislike him.
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00:11:39,300 --> 00:11:42,180
No, I mean, this is all those
lefties in the Conservative Party
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00:11:42,180 --> 00:11:44,060
who don't like their own MPs.
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And the most unpopular of all,
bar the one, is the Prime Minister.
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Despite all he's done!
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I mean, this week he was
out on local radio...
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Yeah.
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He goes out and someone says, "Well,
when's the election?"
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00:11:56,140 --> 00:11:57,340
He goes, "Ha-ha...ha-ha,
ha-ha, ha-ha-ha...
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"Ha...ha."
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That's it.
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He obviously doesn't care.
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And if he's laughing
like that in an interview,
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what is he like at home?
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If his wife's like, "Have
you put the bins out?"
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HE CACKLES LOUDLY
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I quite
like the way he's ruling out
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the election days sort
of one by one.
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Yes.
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"It's not this day.
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But it could be any
of the other 364!"
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The fact is, a record 11 cabinet
members have a negative
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00:12:21,900 --> 00:12:25,060
rating, and poor Michael
Tomlinson!
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-39.5!
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00:12:27,820 --> 00:12:29,740
Would you like to see
him presenting himself
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00:12:29,740 --> 00:12:32,900
as an ordinary bloke on Sky News?
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But I do enjoy watching sport
and if you want to ask me
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about cricket or sport,
then please do.
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Who's your football team?
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00:12:38,740 --> 00:12:39,740
My football...
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I don't really have a football team.
262
00:12:41,420 --> 00:12:43,100
So you're not a sports fan, really.
263
00:12:43,100 --> 00:12:44,180
I'm a cricket fan!
264
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:45,820
I love sport, I enjoy
watching sport.
265
00:12:45,820 --> 00:12:49,180
But it would be wrong to tell
you that I have a football team.
266
00:12:49,180 --> 00:12:50,260
I've been to...
267
00:12:50,260 --> 00:12:52,380
I've been to Bournemouth,
I've been to various other
268
00:12:52,380 --> 00:12:54,540
grounds, but I don't
have a specific football team.
269
00:12:54,540 --> 00:12:55,580
OK.
270
00:12:55,580 --> 00:12:56,620
It's good to see.
271
00:12:56,620 --> 00:12:57,660
Wimborne Town Football Club!
272
00:12:57,660 --> 00:12:58,700
OK.
273
00:12:58,700 --> 00:12:59,820
There we go.
274
00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:00,780
Wimborne Town.
275
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:01,860
OK.
276
00:13:01,860 --> 00:13:03,020
What was their last result?
277
00:13:03,020 --> 00:13:04,260
I couldn't tell you that.
278
00:13:04,260 --> 00:13:06,900
The last result when I was there,
it was very exciting.
279
00:13:06,900 --> 00:13:09,500
Lots of goals were scored
and it was a one-all draw.
280
00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:10,540
LAUGHTER
281
00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:13,620
He's done well to get
-39, really, hasn't he?
282
00:13:13,620 --> 00:13:16,020
And people, they still can't seem
to disguise their feelings
283
00:13:16,020 --> 00:13:18,500
about Jeremy Hunt.
284
00:13:18,500 --> 00:13:20,860
The Labour leader is the latest
to criticise the Government
285
00:13:20,860 --> 00:13:24,700
for using taxpayers' money
to compensate for a minister's
286
00:13:24,700 --> 00:13:27,780
mistake after the Science Secretary
Michelle Donelan falsely accused
287
00:13:27,780 --> 00:13:30,740
an academic of supporting Hamas.
288
00:13:30,740 --> 00:13:32,900
She spoke to Mr Cunt...
289
00:13:32,900 --> 00:13:33,980
Mr Hunt.
290
00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:37,180
How did he respond to
calls for her to resign?
291
00:13:37,180 --> 00:13:42,020
LAUGHTER
292
00:13:42,020 --> 00:13:43,900
Have you frozen
it just at the point
293
00:13:43,900 --> 00:13:47,260
when she realises what she said?
294
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:52,260
And while he's thinking to himself,
"Is this going out live?"
295
00:13:52,300 --> 00:13:55,300
Marianna, who's been
doing the spear-fishing?
296
00:13:55,300 --> 00:13:58,860
Fishing with a P-H rather
than an F, I believe.
297
00:13:58,860 --> 00:14:01,780
And I think it's a lot of MPs who've
been getting explicit
298
00:14:01,780 --> 00:14:04,380
photos sent to them,
which are sort of like a phishing
299
00:14:04,380 --> 00:14:08,020
trap to try and get them to reply
and then maybe get pictures of them
300
00:14:08,020 --> 00:14:09,660
or get them to send photos back.
301
00:14:09,660 --> 00:14:11,220
So it's a sting?
302
00:14:11,220 --> 00:14:14,860
It's a sting, it's like a scam,
it's a way of trying to get people's
303
00:14:14,860 --> 00:14:17,220
personal details or get them
to share stuff with you.
304
00:14:17,220 --> 00:14:20,580
And there seem to be quite a few MPs
who've been targeted with it.
305
00:14:20,580 --> 00:14:22,740
Well, I think some people
are sending really revolting
306
00:14:22,740 --> 00:14:26,580
pictures of potholes and saying,
"Can you sort this out?"
307
00:14:26,580 --> 00:14:29,180
It always baffles me that
men choose to send...
308
00:14:29,180 --> 00:14:32,740
It's the last thing I show anyone.
309
00:14:32,740 --> 00:14:34,940
But you do show it?
310
00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:36,220
But it's the last thing.
311
00:14:36,220 --> 00:14:38,820
It makes an appearance eventually.
312
00:14:38,820 --> 00:14:41,220
"These are the curtains
in my back bedroom, "and now,
313
00:14:41,220 --> 00:14:44,300
star of the show..."
314
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:45,460
Moving swiftly on...
315
00:14:45,460 --> 00:14:47,060
Yes.
316
00:14:47,060 --> 00:14:50,500
..what about the exciting
new Reform party?
317
00:14:50,500 --> 00:14:53,380
How many seats are they predicted
to gain at the next election?
318
00:14:53,380 --> 00:14:55,300
Well, they're polling
on just the same amount
319
00:14:55,300 --> 00:14:57,340
as the Tories, is that right?
320
00:14:57,340 --> 00:14:58,380
No - none.
321
00:14:58,380 --> 00:14:59,580
None?
322
00:14:59,580 --> 00:15:00,820
According to the poll.
323
00:15:00,820 --> 00:15:02,500
Oh, thank goodness for
the electoral system.
324
00:15:02,500 --> 00:15:03,700
Yes.
325
00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:05,980
According to the poll...
326
00:15:07,860 --> 00:15:12,420
..as the Lib Dems look on enviously.
327
00:15:12,420 --> 00:15:15,900
And this is despite Reform's newest
recruit, Lee Anderson.
328
00:15:15,900 --> 00:15:18,460
Oh!
329
00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:19,500
PAUL CHUCKLES
330
00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:21,260
He's great, isn't he?
331
00:15:21,260 --> 00:15:22,700
I'm sure he's a glove puppet.
332
00:15:22,700 --> 00:15:24,660
There can't be a human
being like that.
333
00:15:24,660 --> 00:15:27,260
He just comes out with the most
ridiculous load of nonsense.
334
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:30,380
He's usually referred
to as Lee-Anderthal.
335
00:15:30,380 --> 00:15:35,420
Did you see the interesting way
Sophy Ridge introduced him?
336
00:15:36,660 --> 00:15:38,580
Also tonight, one of
the Conservative Party's most
337
00:15:38,580 --> 00:15:41,660
prominent MPs from the 2019 intake,
Lee Anderson, defects to Reform UK
338
00:15:41,660 --> 00:15:44,500
as one of the last pricks
in the so-called Tory red wall
339
00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:47,380
has crumbled away.
340
00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:52,380
WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
341
00:15:53,940 --> 00:15:55,140
Clearly,
broadcasters feel there's not
342
00:15:55,140 --> 00:15:57,700
going to be a Conservative
government for much longer.
343
00:15:57,700 --> 00:15:58,740
No.
344
00:15:58,740 --> 00:16:01,700
They're getting a bit
demob-happy, aren't they?
345
00:16:01,700 --> 00:16:03,660
And she didn't even correct herself.
346
00:16:03,660 --> 00:16:06,300
Who is the leadership candidate
coming up quietly on the rails?
347
00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:08,380
Er, Nigel Farage.
348
00:16:08,380 --> 00:16:10,740
Hmm, no.
349
00:16:10,740 --> 00:16:13,420
According to the Times, Priti Patel.
350
00:16:13,420 --> 00:16:17,260
AUDIENCE GROANS
351
00:16:17,740 --> 00:16:20,340
Apparently...
352
00:16:23,860 --> 00:16:27,020
And that was her
looking in the mirror.
353
00:16:27,020 --> 00:16:29,060
Yes.
354
00:16:29,060 --> 00:16:30,740
And who's secretly
behind Priti Patel?
355
00:16:30,740 --> 00:16:34,140
Apparently, Liz Truss
is backing Priti Patel,
356
00:16:34,140 --> 00:16:36,540
but Priti Patel obviously doesn't
want anyone to know that.
357
00:16:36,540 --> 00:16:40,300
That's the end of your campaign.
358
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:44,220
Ian, you are right, Liz Truss -
Liz and the PopCons.
359
00:16:44,220 --> 00:16:47,300
They're actually a group called...
360
00:16:48,020 --> 00:16:50,980
Yes, there's an oxymoron.
361
00:16:50,980 --> 00:16:52,980
What's their master plan?
362
00:16:52,980 --> 00:16:55,700
They're trying a few
last-minute ideas -
363
00:16:55,700 --> 00:16:57,620
criminalising the homeless,
which is going to apply
364
00:16:57,620 --> 00:17:00,980
to a lot of them quite soon.
365
00:17:00,980 --> 00:17:04,060
What they want to do is install a...
366
00:17:10,420 --> 00:17:13,020
One insider told the Telegraph...
367
00:17:15,380 --> 00:17:19,580
So they'll do it!
368
00:17:19,580 --> 00:17:22,420
Well, who has been giving
the Conservatives some bad news?
369
00:17:22,420 --> 00:17:26,500
The eccentric boffin and election
egghead Professor John Curtice.
370
00:17:26,500 --> 00:17:29,940
He's declared that there is...
371
00:17:33,980 --> 00:17:35,620
Wow.
372
00:17:35,620 --> 00:17:38,260
Who are some of the rising stars
of the Labour Party?
373
00:17:38,260 --> 00:17:39,460
Angela Rayner.
374
00:17:39,460 --> 00:17:40,860
Ooh.
375
00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:42,540
But, ooh, what about
the council tax?
376
00:17:42,540 --> 00:17:43,980
You're not going to believe this.
377
00:17:43,980 --> 00:17:47,060
Angela Rayner may
have fiddled up to...
378
00:17:47,060 --> 00:17:51,220
..£1,500 on her council tax, says
a book published by Lord Ashcroft,
379
00:17:51,220 --> 00:17:56,220
who avoided £112 million
when he was a non-dom.
380
00:17:57,940 --> 00:18:02,900
I think that means she's guilty.
381
00:18:02,900 --> 00:18:05,780
Allegedly.
382
00:18:05,780 --> 00:18:08,180
I can feel that you're walking
this tightrope, Clive -
383
00:18:08,180 --> 00:18:10,820
reading the Ten O'Clock News
or the Jobcentre, and you're just
384
00:18:10,820 --> 00:18:12,820
walking down the middle.
385
00:18:12,820 --> 00:18:16,180
Yeah, this is the unofficial
countdown to the general election.
386
00:18:16,180 --> 00:18:18,100
Former Defence Minister Ben Wallace
attempted to rally
387
00:18:18,100 --> 00:18:20,300
Tory MPs by saying...
388
00:18:27,460 --> 00:18:29,860
And after that, Ben,
you put on your spangly catsuit
389
00:18:29,860 --> 00:18:33,100
and you go on Strictly.
390
00:18:33,100 --> 00:18:36,780
Rishi Sunak sneaked out a quick
honours list over Easter.
391
00:18:36,780 --> 00:18:39,180
According to the Guardian,
a businessman who donated £5 million
392
00:18:39,180 --> 00:18:43,300
to the Conservative Party
was unexpectedly given a knighthood.
393
00:18:43,300 --> 00:18:45,940
Unexpectedly, because at no point
had he been quoted as saying
394
00:18:45,940 --> 00:18:50,580
he wants to shoot a black woman.
395
00:18:50,580 --> 00:18:52,100
AUDIENCE MURMUR
UNCOMFORTABLY
396
00:18:52,100 --> 00:18:53,140
The thing...
397
00:18:53,140 --> 00:18:55,500
For Rishi Sunak, this
is specifically not allowed.
398
00:18:55,500 --> 00:18:59,020
I mean, I don't understand
why both Mr Mansour,
399
00:18:59,020 --> 00:19:01,860
who used to be an Egyptian cabinet
minister under a very autocratic
400
00:19:01,860 --> 00:19:05,020
regime, he has come to Britain
and given the Tories a huge amount
401
00:19:05,020 --> 00:19:08,580
of money, and he immediately
gets a knighthood.
402
00:19:08,580 --> 00:19:10,460
That seems to me
straightforwardly corrupt.
403
00:19:10,460 --> 00:19:13,940
Shouldn't they both be in jail?
404
00:19:13,940 --> 00:19:16,980
APPLAUSE
405
00:19:16,980 --> 00:19:18,420
I ask that as a question.
406
00:19:18,420 --> 00:19:21,860
I have no idea what the answer is.
407
00:19:21,860 --> 00:19:25,660
And so to round two,
the jazzed-up jigsaw of news.
408
00:19:25,660 --> 00:19:26,860
Fingers on the buzzers, teams.
409
00:19:26,860 --> 00:19:28,460
Yes.
410
00:19:28,460 --> 00:19:32,260
JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS
411
00:19:32,260 --> 00:19:34,260
BELL
412
00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:35,940
This is this
statue of Prince Philip
413
00:19:35,940 --> 00:19:38,620
that was outside Cambridge
University.
414
00:19:38,620 --> 00:19:41,380
I think it's called The Don
or something like that,
415
00:19:41,380 --> 00:19:44,780
and everyone was very upset about it
cos they thought it was very ugly
416
00:19:44,780 --> 00:19:47,380
and they didn't like it and it's
now being taken down.
417
00:19:47,380 --> 00:19:48,860
What do you think of it?
418
00:19:48,860 --> 00:19:51,460
It looks like one of the Dementors.
419
00:19:51,460 --> 00:19:52,900
Who's taken issue with the statue?
420
00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:54,100
Everybody, I would have thought.
421
00:19:54,100 --> 00:19:55,140
Yeah.
422
00:19:55,140 --> 00:19:56,820
In 2014, it was refused
planning permission
423
00:19:56,820 --> 00:19:59,100
from Cambridge City Council,
who called it...
424
00:20:02,940 --> 00:20:05,420
So what's going to happen to it now?
425
00:20:05,420 --> 00:20:06,980
I'll have it.
426
00:20:06,980 --> 00:20:08,900
You'll have it?
427
00:20:08,900 --> 00:20:11,820
You'd get 50 grand for it,
wouldn't you, just selling it off?
428
00:20:11,820 --> 00:20:14,460
Someone'll have that
tat, won't they?
429
00:20:14,460 --> 00:20:16,140
The property development firm
who commissioned it,
430
00:20:16,140 --> 00:20:18,300
they say they would...
431
00:20:21,180 --> 00:20:24,220
..ie, the tip.
432
00:20:24,220 --> 00:20:26,340
Why has a sculpture
of Sir Paul McCartney been
433
00:20:26,340 --> 00:20:28,100
in the news recently?
434
00:20:28,100 --> 00:20:29,620
It must be another bad sculpture.
435
00:20:29,620 --> 00:20:32,500
It wouldn't be in the news
if it was a good one.
436
00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:33,540
There you go.
437
00:20:33,540 --> 00:20:35,700
Artist Wilfrid Wood claims
a clay sculpture he made
438
00:20:35,700 --> 00:20:37,620
of the Beatle was...
439
00:20:39,260 --> 00:20:41,700
See what you think.
440
00:20:49,740 --> 00:20:52,380
Paul, this gives us a perfect
excuse to bring up one
441
00:20:52,380 --> 00:20:54,580
of Wilfrid's earlier works.
442
00:21:02,940 --> 00:21:04,740
Wasn't there one of Ian as well?
443
00:21:04,740 --> 00:21:08,900
Oh, haven't you bothered to get
that one, Mr Neutral?
444
00:21:11,100 --> 00:21:15,300
All right, can you take
it off the screen now?
445
00:21:15,300 --> 00:21:17,700
Well, we haven't got Ian,
but we've got Chris Whitty.
446
00:21:17,700 --> 00:21:22,700
I'm happy with that.
447
00:21:26,300 --> 00:21:28,340
Buzzers on the teams, please.
448
00:21:28,340 --> 00:21:32,540
Buzzers on the teams?
449
00:21:34,260 --> 00:21:38,740
JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS
450
00:21:38,740 --> 00:21:40,020
BUZZER
451
00:21:40,020 --> 00:21:41,220
Ah,
yes, they've found some
452
00:21:41,220 --> 00:21:45,820
water in a load of shit.
453
00:21:47,340 --> 00:21:50,700
It's the dreadful case about how
the state of our rivers and the seas
454
00:21:50,700 --> 00:21:52,940
are being heavily polluted
by these water authorities.
455
00:21:52,940 --> 00:21:56,020
The Boat Race last week,
the Cambridge versus Oxford,
456
00:21:56,020 --> 00:21:57,660
the same two teams reaching
the final.
457
00:21:57,660 --> 00:22:00,380
There was a...
458
00:22:00,380 --> 00:22:01,420
LAUGHTER
459
00:22:01,420 --> 00:22:04,060
I think it was
the Cambridge team who got very ill
460
00:22:04,060 --> 00:22:05,900
and they blamed it on E.
Coli.
461
00:22:05,900 --> 00:22:09,220
The water's so dirty, you can't even
dip your cox in it any more.
462
00:22:09,220 --> 00:22:12,660
Yeah.
463
00:22:13,740 --> 00:22:16,980
What has recently been discovered
in a harbour near Portsmouth?
464
00:22:16,980 --> 00:22:19,380
It's not all the money stolen
by the water companies
465
00:22:19,380 --> 00:22:20,580
over the years, is it?
466
00:22:20,580 --> 00:22:21,660
You say stolen?
467
00:22:21,660 --> 00:22:23,580
Well, the water companies,
since they were privatised,
468
00:22:23,580 --> 00:22:26,260
have basically just run up debt.
469
00:22:26,260 --> 00:22:29,460
They haven't built anything new,
they haven't invested in anything,
470
00:22:29,460 --> 00:22:31,860
they have literally borrowed money
in order to give it
471
00:22:31,860 --> 00:22:33,540
to their shareholders
and to their investors.
472
00:22:33,540 --> 00:22:34,940
And again, I...
473
00:22:34,940 --> 00:22:37,820
I think this is theft.
474
00:22:37,820 --> 00:22:41,740
APPLAUSE
475
00:22:41,740 --> 00:22:44,140
They are blaming the fact
that the rivers are becoming
476
00:22:44,140 --> 00:22:45,340
polluted through too much water.
477
00:22:45,340 --> 00:22:47,500
It's raining too much,
which normally as a water
478
00:22:47,500 --> 00:22:49,900
authority would be good news,
cos then you could fill
479
00:22:49,900 --> 00:22:51,060
up your reservoir.
480
00:22:51,060 --> 00:22:54,180
But literally in the middle of last
week, a number of them announced
481
00:22:54,180 --> 00:22:56,580
hosepipe bans were going to come
in later this year.
482
00:22:56,580 --> 00:23:01,580
I mean, the river's not
the only thing full of shit.
483
00:23:01,780 --> 00:23:03,260
What was discovered near Portsmouth?
484
00:23:03,260 --> 00:23:04,940
Well, the marine biologist
Professor Alex Ford,
485
00:23:04,940 --> 00:23:07,580
he and his team discovered that
every single marine species living
486
00:23:07,580 --> 00:23:09,740
in the contaminated water
was full of a variety
487
00:23:09,740 --> 00:23:13,060
of drugs, including...
488
00:23:15,100 --> 00:23:17,260
Now, here he is, talking
to Good Morning Britain
489
00:23:17,260 --> 00:23:19,740
about the discovery.
490
00:23:19,740 --> 00:23:22,620
Yeah, so, Alex, they're just asking
about the cocaine that you found.
491
00:23:22,620 --> 00:23:25,020
You're sampling these marine species
and you're finding that what's
492
00:23:25,020 --> 00:23:27,180
in the sewage water ends up
in those species?
493
00:23:27,180 --> 00:23:29,620
Exactly.
494
00:23:29,620 --> 00:23:33,460
The drugs affect this wildlife
in the same way that they do us.
495
00:23:33,460 --> 00:23:36,340
If you give a fish the contraceptive
pill, it starts to feminise.
496
00:23:36,340 --> 00:23:38,900
If you give crabs antidepressants,
it changes their behaviour
497
00:23:38,900 --> 00:23:41,180
because those drugs were designed
to change behaviour.
498
00:23:41,180 --> 00:23:44,780
So if you give them illegal drugs
as well, it has very much the same
499
00:23:44,780 --> 00:23:47,420
effect on them that it would do
on people as well.
500
00:23:47,420 --> 00:23:50,340
Haddock are up all night, planning
to form production companies.
501
00:23:50,340 --> 00:23:55,340
Quite like the idea of a crab
on antidepressants.
502
00:23:55,700 --> 00:24:00,700
"I've finally realised I could have
been walking forward all this time."
503
00:24:02,820 --> 00:24:04,980
All this explains why
the local branch of Itsu
504
00:24:04,980 --> 00:24:06,900
recently received a visit
from a new quality
505
00:24:06,900 --> 00:24:11,660
control inspector.
506
00:24:11,660 --> 00:24:15,540
Did anyone see the BBC's environment
correspondent Jonah Fisher?
507
00:24:15,540 --> 00:24:18,460
He covered the sewage crisis
on the BBC News at Ten last
508
00:24:18,460 --> 00:24:19,460
week, anyone see that?
509
00:24:19,460 --> 00:24:24,460
No, I don't watch it, to be honest.
510
00:24:24,980 --> 00:24:26,900
Jonah Fisher, he visited
a sewage treatment works
511
00:24:26,900 --> 00:24:29,100
in Surrey to get close up...
512
00:24:29,100 --> 00:24:30,500
They're treating sewage?
513
00:24:30,500 --> 00:24:33,380
"Let's go to the pictures."
514
00:24:33,380 --> 00:24:34,420
"More cocaine?"
515
00:24:34,420 --> 00:24:39,420
"Certainly."
516
00:24:39,580 --> 00:24:42,460
And I'll tell you what,
when he went to the sewage works,
517
00:24:42,460 --> 00:24:43,660
he didn't mince his words.
518
00:24:43,660 --> 00:24:45,700
We've seen, you know,
solids floating past.
519
00:24:45,700 --> 00:24:47,220
Turds?
520
00:24:47,220 --> 00:24:50,540
Yeah, turds.
521
00:24:50,540 --> 00:24:53,900
This is the news that UK rivers
are full of cocaine and sewage, so,
522
00:24:53,900 --> 00:24:57,660
good shit, bad shit.
523
00:24:57,660 --> 00:25:01,580
It was reported that in the village
of Allonby in Cumbria,
524
00:25:01,580 --> 00:25:05,740
sewage was pumped out for 4,500
hours nonstop, a record
525
00:25:05,740 --> 00:25:10,740
matched only by GB News.
526
00:25:13,940 --> 00:25:17,180
Time now for the missing words
round, which this week features
527
00:25:17,180 --> 00:25:20,420
as its guest publication
Brew Your Own, the how-to magazine
528
00:25:20,420 --> 00:25:22,340
for home-brewed beer.
529
00:25:22,340 --> 00:25:24,460
And we start with...
530
00:25:26,420 --> 00:25:27,620
Oh, I know this one.
531
00:25:27,620 --> 00:25:29,300
"I never talk before
noon," says Lulu.
532
00:25:29,300 --> 00:25:32,660
She's going on a farewell tour
at the age of 75 and her voice
533
00:25:32,660 --> 00:25:35,060
is in perfect condition
and she never talks before noon
534
00:25:35,060 --> 00:25:36,500
to protect her voice, says Lulu.
535
00:25:36,500 --> 00:25:39,100
Give that man 100 points!
536
00:25:40,300 --> 00:25:43,100
You've been answering every question
"Lulu" for 30 years.
537
00:25:43,100 --> 00:25:46,300
And now it's paid off.
538
00:25:46,300 --> 00:25:48,380
Next...
539
00:25:50,300 --> 00:25:53,020
Lulu!
540
00:25:53,020 --> 00:25:56,780
Threesomes!
541
00:25:56,780 --> 00:25:58,460
Planning, dedication,
understanding spouse.
542
00:25:58,460 --> 00:26:02,100
Someone's got to make the tea.
543
00:26:02,100 --> 00:26:06,380
Absolutely bloody everything
after the age of 40.
544
00:26:06,380 --> 00:26:09,300
It is...
545
00:26:15,660 --> 00:26:19,860
Ah, yeah, but in certain circles,
that's a euphemism for a threesome.
546
00:26:19,860 --> 00:26:23,180
"I'm going on a beer
holiday to Dusseldorf.
547
00:26:23,180 --> 00:26:26,140
"Just get out my lederhosen."
548
00:26:26,140 --> 00:26:28,300
And finally...
549
00:26:31,460 --> 00:26:36,060
"Get me down Caerphilly."
550
00:26:36,060 --> 00:26:37,660
Yes.
551
00:26:37,660 --> 00:26:42,660
There we are.
552
00:26:48,900 --> 00:26:50,820
This is pensioner Anne
Hughes from South Wales,
553
00:26:50,820 --> 00:26:51,860
who went viral recently.
554
00:26:51,860 --> 00:26:55,260
Here's the moment it all went wrong.
555
00:27:15,540 --> 00:27:20,500
Some people are shoplifters,
other people are lifted by shops.
556
00:27:23,460 --> 00:27:26,300
And the final scores are,
Paul and Jon, six points.
557
00:27:26,300 --> 00:27:30,420
Ian and Marianna, seven points.
558
00:27:30,420 --> 00:27:34,260
That's only because
you're on this side.
559
00:27:34,260 --> 00:27:36,820
But before we go, there's just time
for the caption competition.
560
00:27:36,820 --> 00:27:39,980
Ian and Marianna have this.
561
00:27:39,980 --> 00:27:44,980
Is that Putin's briefcase?
562
00:27:45,020 --> 00:27:48,420
And Paul and Jon, you've got this.
563
00:27:48,420 --> 00:27:53,420
"This is the first time I've been
on a beer trip to Dusseldorf."
564
00:27:56,500 --> 00:27:58,900
On which note, we say thank
you to our panellists,
565
00:27:58,900 --> 00:28:01,780
Ian Hislop and Marianna Spring,
Paul Merton and Jon Richardson.
566
00:28:01,780 --> 00:28:05,900
And I leave you with news that
on a field trip to the Cotswolds,
567
00:28:05,900 --> 00:28:08,300
a group of schoolchildren decide
to keep schtoom after watching
568
00:28:08,300 --> 00:28:11,060
a goat urinate all over
the spring onion patch.
569
00:28:16,820 --> 00:28:19,220
In Ashfield, an open-top bus driver
desperately fights the urge
570
00:28:19,220 --> 00:28:21,460
to slam on the brakes.
571
00:28:24,500 --> 00:28:27,580
And at Crufts, it looks like there's
a sure-fire winner for the title
572
00:28:27,580 --> 00:28:30,180
of most ambitious crossbreed.
573
00:28:35,660 --> 00:28:39,660
Goodnight.