This programme contains very strong language
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening.
Welcome to Have I Got News for You?
I'm Clive Myrie.
In the news this week, following an appearance
at a right-wing conference in the US, Liz Truss has awoken
bright and early after a night on the sparkling wine.
There you go!
On Runway Two at Heathrow, as immigration officers close in,
a cunning stowaway tries to make a break for it.
And in North Korea, a TV documentary offers a rare
insight into the home life of Kim Jong-un's personal trainer.
On Ian's team tonight is the BBC's first-ever disinformation specialist
and the target of over 80% of the BBC's online abuse.
Let's see how that stacks up after I'm done tonight.
Please welcome Marianna Spring.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
On Paul's team tonight is a comedian who took
Hispanic Studies at university but dropped out after a year
and a half when he realised there was only one element
he was really good at.
The siesta.
Please welcome Jon Richardson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And we begin with the bigger news
stories of the week.
Ian and Marianna, take a look at this.
Oh, that's the biggest threat to Israel.
Is that British arms or is that aid?
Looking a bit like weapons.
And that's Joe Biden not falling down the stairs.
Not yet.
This is the belated realisation that perhaps Israel's war isn't entirely
proportionate or targeted.
The tipping point of the war is now that three British aid
workers have been killed, whereas 30,000 Palestinians have
been killed in the war.
It's grim but true.
If you kill people who aren't Palestinians, then it suddenly
becomes unacceptable.
But it might be a turning point.
How has Israel's Benjamin Netanyahu explained the deadly strike?
Basically saying it was an accident, it wasn't deliberate.
These things happen in war.
Yeah, the fog of war.
It's not very good.
I mean, the head of the Israeli army actually apologised,
but Netanyahu, no.
I mean, there are huge rallies against Netanyahu
in Israel at the moment.
Mm.
I mean, he said the attack on the aid convoy was:
So what is significant about President Biden's
reaction to the attack?
Well, America has supported Israel's right to defend itself
all the way through, but that is now changing.
He's said that enough's enough and Israel have got to change
the way they pursue the war.
Yeah.
He said in a statement that he was outraged and heartbroken.
He's so furious, he's just signed a new arms shipment.
And that's cross.
Staying with the situation in Gaza, here's the 81-year-old
US President speaking at the White House in February.
Couldn't remember the name of Hamas.
In the interests of balance I should make it clear
that his rival for the presidency, 77-year-old Donald Trump,
also seems to be losing his marbles.
Trump was quick to come up with an explanation as to why he'd
said Obama instead of Biden.
He's certainly got a wide range of voices.
But when I say Barack Hussein Obama, the president of our country,
on the news at night, they go, "Donald Trump didn't know
the name of our president!
"He said it was President Obama.
It's President Biden!"
So I have to be very, very careful.
LAUGHTER
Yes, indeed.
Or people might realise you're clinically insane.
APPLAUSE
As many as 70% of Americans have said that they don't want
a Biden/Trump rematch, the oldest people to run
for the presidency in US history.
So why are we here with two old-timers once
again battling it out?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
It's a very simple answer.
Half past three.
We don't care!
OLD PERSON VOICE: What time's dinner?
OK.
Who stepped forward to offer a third option to lead...
Is it Matron?
LAUGHTER
I could keep this up all programme, you know.
A man in Texas intends to run for President and in preparation has
legally changed his name to:
LAUGHTER
That's good.
Donald Trump has had a few cash flow problems recently,
having to post a $175 million bond in his New York civil fraud case.
What fashion item is he selling to raise a few dollars?
The Bible.
Gold trainers.
Gold trainers and the Bible.
Ah!
Yeah!
Ooh, yes.
Yes!
He's turning into Frankie Howerd.
Oh!
Oh, yes!
Oh!
Yeah.
Hi-top gold sneakers costing $399.
Here they are.
Emblazoned with a gold T.
The sales blurb accompanying them online says:
Both candidates put out Easter messages.
Joe Biden's read:
And here's Donald Trump's:
LAUGHTER
I sometimes
wonder whether on Truth Social you can only write in capitals.
It's almost like it's a setting, like he only writes
exclusively in capitals.
He's just got to shout, man.
He's just got to shout.
It's just his style now, though.
He always types in capitals so now maybe you just read it
like he's not shouting.
Like he's not shouting, right.
But normal people use caps as well, don't they,
when they want to emphasise...?
At the beginning of words, Clive.
I think he would write in capitals because he can't do
joined-up letters yet, so that might be what it is.
As it's the first of a new series, guess what I've got for you?
Have we got custom-made bibles?
Have I Got Good News For You?
Well!
Yes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes.
Actually, it's a bonus Odd One Out.
Bonus Odd One Out?!
Your four are: Rishi Sunak.
Humza Yousaf.
Vaughan Gething.
And Vladimir Putin.
BELL
Putin is the only one who's won an election.
APPLAUSE
Absolutely right.
The odd one out is Vladimir Putin, and he's the only one of the four
to have faced a popular vote.
He won a landslide victory in Russia's recent general election,
a result announced just a few minutes before the election
actually took place.
I'm just wondering, anyone know why Putin defecates into a briefcase?
Oh!
I just thought I'd throw that one out there.
I don't know!
Why does Putin defecate in a briefcase?
Has this happened to you personally?
I met him and he was lovely.
Yeah, he was all right.
Well, according to an article in Paris Match magazine,
when he's abroad, his bodily waste is placed in a dedicated briefcase
for the journey home, leaving nothing behind that could be
analysed to give away anything about his health.
So there you go.
There you go.
This is Joe Biden's increasing...
That's the most incredible use of, "There you go."
Just, "There you go."
"He shits in a briefcase, no more questions, thank you very much."
Does he take a suitcase with him in case he gets diarrhoea?
Oh!
Oh, yeah, blame me.
It's him the one that's having a shit in the bloody briefcase!
Before we move on from some of the grimmer news,
let's take a look moment to admire a masterly tonal gear change by BBC
Breakfast's Jon Kay.
It looks very much like there'll be fewer showers and it
will be a bit drier.
Aww, Carol, thank you.
THEY LAUGH
I'd love to say it's my own work, Sal, but sadly...
It is!
It totally is.
Er, it's 17 minutes past 6.
Now, machetes.
LAUGHTER
Paul and Jon, have a look at this.
Good to have a trade to fall back on.
Early pilot for Deal Or No Deal.
Yes, this is about the election which will be sometime this year
and the latest polls are suggesting that the Conservatives
are going to lose quite badly and up to 11 Cabinet ministers may
lose their seats.
100% correct.
Yeah.
This is the recent disastrous polling for Rishi Sunak that
suggests the Conservatives could be reduced to fewer than 100 seats
at the next general election.
Spot on.
That many?
I'm hoping for none.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You'll have to verify this for bias.
All you've got to do is lie constantly, get
every big decision wrong, decimate people's lives,
and after about 15 years people go, "That'll do, that's enough of that."
Obviously certain sections of the leftie media will be biased
against the Conservatives, so let's give their supporters
a voice, shall we?
Here's the monthly popularity chart of Cabinet ministers conducted
by the Conservative Home website.
All right, pop pickers.
Let's go.
PICK OF THE POPS THEME
JON: Wow.
I don't know who Michael Tomlinson is!
But 39.5 people seem to dislike him.
No, I mean, this is all those lefties in the Conservative Party
who don't like their own MPs.
And the most unpopular of all, bar the one, is the Prime Minister.
Despite all he's done!
I mean, this week he was out on local radio...
Yeah.
He goes out and someone says, "Well, when's the election?"
He goes, "Ha-ha...ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha-ha...
"Ha...ha."
That's it.
He obviously doesn't care.
And if he's laughing like that in an interview,
what is he like at home?
If his wife's like, "Have you put the bins out?"
HE CACKLES LOUDLY
I quite like the way he's ruling out
the election days sort of one by one.
Yes.
"It's not this day.
But it could be any of the other 364!"
The fact is, a record 11 cabinet members have a negative
rating, and poor Michael Tomlinson!
-39.5!
Would you like to see him presenting himself
as an ordinary bloke on Sky News?
But I do enjoy watching sport and if you want to ask me
about cricket or sport, then please do.
Who's your football team?
My football...
I don't really have a football team.
So you're not a sports fan, really.
I'm a cricket fan!
I love sport, I enjoy watching sport.
But it would be wrong to tell you that I have a football team.
I've been to...
I've been to Bournemouth, I've been to various other
grounds, but I don't have a specific football team.
OK.
It's good to see.
Wimborne Town Football Club!
OK.
There we go.
Wimborne Town.
OK.
What was their last result?
I couldn't tell you that.
The last result when I was there, it was very exciting.
Lots of goals were scored and it was a one-all draw.
LAUGHTER
He's done well to get -39, really, hasn't he?
And people, they still can't seem to disguise their feelings
about Jeremy Hunt.
The Labour leader is the latest to criticise the Government
for using taxpayers' money to compensate for a minister's
mistake after the Science Secretary Michelle Donelan falsely accused
an academic of supporting Hamas.
She spoke to Mr Cunt...
Mr Hunt.
How did he respond to calls for her to resign?
LAUGHTER
Have you frozen it just at the point
when she realises what she said?
And while he's thinking to himself, "Is this going out live?"
Marianna, who's been doing the spear-fishing?
Fishing with a P-H rather than an F, I believe.
And I think it's a lot of MPs who've been getting explicit
photos sent to them, which are sort of like a phishing
trap to try and get them to reply and then maybe get pictures of them
or get them to send photos back.
So it's a sting?
It's a sting, it's like a scam, it's a way of trying to get people's
personal details or get them to share stuff with you.
And there seem to be quite a few MPs who've been targeted with it.
Well, I think some people are sending really revolting
pictures of potholes and saying, "Can you sort this out?"
It always baffles me that men choose to send...
It's the last thing I show anyone.
But you do show it?
But it's the last thing.
It makes an appearance eventually.
"These are the curtains in my back bedroom, "and now,
star of the show..."
Moving swiftly on...
Yes.
..what about the exciting new Reform party?
How many seats are they predicted to gain at the next election?
Well, they're polling on just the same amount
as the Tories, is that right?
No - none.
None?
According to the poll.
Oh, thank goodness for the electoral system.
Yes.
According to the poll...
..as the Lib Dems look on enviously.
And this is despite Reform's newest recruit, Lee Anderson.
Oh!
PAUL CHUCKLES
He's great, isn't he?
I'm sure he's a glove puppet.
There can't be a human being like that.
He just comes out with the most ridiculous load of nonsense.
He's usually referred to as Lee-Anderthal.
Did you see the interesting way Sophy Ridge introduced him?
Also tonight, one of the Conservative Party's most
prominent MPs from the 2019 intake, Lee Anderson, defects to Reform UK
as one of the last pricks in the so-called Tory red wall
has crumbled away.
WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
Clearly, broadcasters feel there's not
going to be a Conservative government for much longer.
No.
They're getting a bit demob-happy, aren't they?
And she didn't even correct herself.
Who is the leadership candidate coming up quietly on the rails?
Er, Nigel Farage.
Hmm, no.
According to the Times, Priti Patel.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Apparently...
And that was her looking in the mirror.
Yes.
And who's secretly behind Priti Patel?
Apparently, Liz Truss is backing Priti Patel,
but Priti Patel obviously doesn't want anyone to know that.
That's the end of your campaign.
Ian, you are right, Liz Truss - Liz and the PopCons.
They're actually a group called...
Yes, there's an oxymoron.
What's their master plan?
They're trying a few last-minute ideas -
criminalising the homeless, which is going to apply
to a lot of them quite soon.
What they want to do is install a...
One insider told the Telegraph...
So they'll do it!
Well, who has been giving the Conservatives some bad news?
The eccentric boffin and election egghead Professor John Curtice.
He's declared that there is...
Wow.
Who are some of the rising stars of the Labour Party?
Angela Rayner.
Ooh.
But, ooh, what about the council tax?
You're not going to believe this.
Angela Rayner may have fiddled up to...
..£1,500 on her council tax, says a book published by Lord Ashcroft,
who avoided £112 million when he was a non-dom.
I think that means she's guilty.
Allegedly.
I can feel that you're walking this tightrope, Clive -
reading the Ten O'Clock News or the Jobcentre, and you're just
walking down the middle.
Yeah, this is the unofficial countdown to the general election.
Former Defence Minister Ben Wallace attempted to rally
Tory MPs by saying...
And after that, Ben, you put on your spangly catsuit
and you go on Strictly.
Rishi Sunak sneaked out a quick honours list over Easter.
According to the Guardian, a businessman who donated £5 million
to the Conservative Party was unexpectedly given a knighthood.
Unexpectedly, because at no point had he been quoted as saying
he wants to shoot a black woman.
AUDIENCE MURMUR UNCOMFORTABLY
The thing...
For Rishi Sunak, this is specifically not allowed.
I mean, I don't understand why both Mr Mansour,
who used to be an Egyptian cabinet minister under a very autocratic
regime, he has come to Britain and given the Tories a huge amount
of money, and he immediately gets a knighthood.
That seems to me straightforwardly corrupt.
Shouldn't they both be in jail?
APPLAUSE
I ask that as a question.
I have no idea what the answer is.
And so to round two, the jazzed-up jigsaw of news.
Fingers on the buzzers, teams.
Yes.
JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS
BELL
This is this statue of Prince Philip
that was outside Cambridge University.
I think it's called The Don or something like that,
and everyone was very upset about it cos they thought it was very ugly
and they didn't like it and it's now being taken down.
What do you think of it?
It looks like one of the Dementors.
Who's taken issue with the statue?
Everybody, I would have thought.
Yeah.
In 2014, it was refused planning permission
from Cambridge City Council, who called it...
So what's going to happen to it now?
I'll have it.
You'll have it?
You'd get 50 grand for it, wouldn't you, just selling it off?
Someone'll have that tat, won't they?
The property development firm who commissioned it,
they say they would...
..ie, the tip.
Why has a sculpture of Sir Paul McCartney been
in the news recently?
It must be another bad sculpture.
It wouldn't be in the news if it was a good one.
There you go.
Artist Wilfrid Wood claims a clay sculpture he made
of the Beatle was...
See what you think.
Paul, this gives us a perfect excuse to bring up one
of Wilfrid's earlier works.
Wasn't there one of Ian as well?
Oh, haven't you bothered to get that one, Mr Neutral?
All right, can you take it off the screen now?
Well, we haven't got Ian, but we've got Chris Whitty.
I'm happy with that.
Buzzers on the teams, please.
Buzzers on the teams?
JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS
BUZZER
Ah, yes, they've found some
water in a load of shit.
It's the dreadful case about how the state of our rivers and the seas
are being heavily polluted by these water authorities.
The Boat Race last week, the Cambridge versus Oxford,
the same two teams reaching the final.
There was a...
LAUGHTER
I think it was the Cambridge team who got very ill
and they blamed it on E. Coli.
The water's so dirty, you can't even dip your cox in it any more.
Yeah.
What has recently been discovered in a harbour near Portsmouth?
It's not all the money stolen by the water companies
over the years, is it?
You say stolen?
Well, the water companies, since they were privatised,
have basically just run up debt.
They haven't built anything new, they haven't invested in anything,
they have literally borrowed money in order to give it
to their shareholders and to their investors.
And again, I...
I think this is theft.
APPLAUSE
They are blaming the fact that the rivers are becoming
polluted through too much water.
It's raining too much, which normally as a water
authority would be good news, cos then you could fill
up your reservoir.
But literally in the middle of last week, a number of them announced
hosepipe bans were going to come in later this year.
I mean, the river's not the only thing full of shit.
What was discovered near Portsmouth?
Well, the marine biologist Professor Alex Ford,
he and his team discovered that every single marine species living
in the contaminated water was full of a variety
of drugs, including...
Now, here he is, talking to Good Morning Britain
about the discovery.
Yeah, so, Alex, they're just asking about the cocaine that you found.
You're sampling these marine species and you're finding that what's
in the sewage water ends up in those species?
Exactly.
The drugs affect this wildlife in the same way that they do us.
If you give a fish the contraceptive pill, it starts to feminise.
If you give crabs antidepressants, it changes their behaviour
because those drugs were designed to change behaviour.
So if you give them illegal drugs as well, it has very much the same
effect on them that it would do on people as well.
Haddock are up all night, planning to form production companies.
Quite like the idea of a crab on antidepressants.
"I've finally realised I could have been walking forward all this time."
All this explains why the local branch of Itsu
recently received a visit from a new quality
control inspector.
Did anyone see the BBC's environment correspondent Jonah Fisher?
He covered the sewage crisis on the BBC News at Ten last
week, anyone see that?
No, I don't watch it, to be honest.
Jonah Fisher, he visited a sewage treatment works
in Surrey to get close up...
They're treating sewage?
"Let's go to the pictures."
"More cocaine?"
"Certainly."
And I'll tell you what, when he went to the sewage works,
he didn't mince his words.
We've seen, you know, solids floating past.
Turds?
Yeah, turds.
This is the news that UK rivers are full of cocaine and sewage, so,
good shit, bad shit.
It was reported that in the village of Allonby in Cumbria,
sewage was pumped out for 4,500 hours nonstop, a record
matched only by GB News.
Time now for the missing words round, which this week features
as its guest publication Brew Your Own, the how-to magazine
for home-brewed beer.
And we start with...
Oh, I know this one.
"I never talk before noon," says Lulu.
She's going on a farewell tour at the age of 75 and her voice
is in perfect condition and she never talks before noon
to protect her voice, says Lulu.
Give that man 100 points!
You've been answering every question "Lulu" for 30 years.
And now it's paid off.
Next...
Lulu!
Threesomes!
Planning, dedication, understanding spouse.
Someone's got to make the tea.
Absolutely bloody everything after the age of 40.
It is...
Ah, yeah, but in certain circles, that's a euphemism for a threesome.
"I'm going on a beer holiday to Dusseldorf.
"Just get out my lederhosen."
And finally...
"Get me down Caerphilly."
Yes.
There we are.
This is pensioner Anne Hughes from South Wales,
who went viral recently.
Here's the moment it all went wrong.
Some people are shoplifters, other people are lifted by shops.
And the final scores are, Paul and Jon, six points.
Ian and Marianna, seven points.
That's only because you're on this side.
But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
Ian and Marianna have this.
Is that Putin's briefcase?
And Paul and Jon, you've got this.
"This is the first time I've been on a beer trip to Dusseldorf."
On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
Ian Hislop and Marianna Spring, Paul Merton and Jon Richardson.
And I leave you with news that on a field trip to the Cotswolds,
a group of schoolchildren decide to keep schtoom after watching
a goat urinate all over the spring onion patch.
In Ashfield, an open-top bus driver desperately fights the urge
to slam on the brakes.
And at Crufts, it looks like there's a sure-fire winner for the title
of most ambitious crossbreed.
Goodnight.