1 00:00:05,900 --> 00:00:10,900 This programme contains very strong language 2 00:00:27,340 --> 00:00:32,380 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 3 00:00:40,860 --> 00:00:41,980 Good evening. 4 00:00:41,980 --> 00:00:43,900 Welcome to Have I Got News for You? 5 00:00:43,900 --> 00:00:45,380 I'm Clive Myrie. 6 00:00:45,380 --> 00:00:48,180 In the news this week, following an appearance 7 00:00:48,180 --> 00:00:50,820 at a right-wing conference in the US, Liz Truss has awoken 8 00:00:50,820 --> 00:00:53,340 bright and early after a night on the sparkling wine. 9 00:00:55,620 --> 00:00:58,660 There you go! 10 00:01:00,940 --> 00:01:03,420 On Runway Two at Heathrow, as immigration officers close in, 11 00:01:03,420 --> 00:01:06,740 a cunning stowaway tries to make a break for it. 12 00:01:16,460 --> 00:01:18,860 And in North Korea, a TV documentary offers a rare 13 00:01:18,860 --> 00:01:21,980 insight into the home life of Kim Jong-un's personal trainer. 14 00:01:31,540 --> 00:01:35,020 On Ian's team tonight is the BBC's first-ever disinformation specialist 15 00:01:35,020 --> 00:01:40,020 and the target of over 80% of the BBC's online abuse. 16 00:01:40,140 --> 00:01:42,500 Let's see how that stacks up after I'm done tonight. 17 00:01:42,500 --> 00:01:45,260 Please welcome Marianna Spring. 18 00:01:45,260 --> 00:01:48,860 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 19 00:01:50,340 --> 00:01:52,500 On Paul's team tonight is a comedian who took 20 00:01:52,500 --> 00:01:54,900 Hispanic Studies at university but dropped out after a year 21 00:01:54,900 --> 00:01:57,540 and a half when he realised there was only one element 22 00:01:57,540 --> 00:01:58,860 he was really good at. 23 00:01:58,860 --> 00:02:01,420 The siesta. 24 00:02:01,420 --> 00:02:04,020 Please welcome Jon Richardson. 25 00:02:04,020 --> 00:02:07,620 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 26 00:02:08,580 --> 00:02:10,260 And we begin with the bigger news 27 00:02:10,260 --> 00:02:11,300 stories of the week. 28 00:02:11,300 --> 00:02:14,500 Ian and Marianna, take a look at this. 29 00:02:14,500 --> 00:02:17,180 Oh, that's the biggest threat to Israel. 30 00:02:17,180 --> 00:02:19,700 Is that British arms or is that aid? 31 00:02:19,700 --> 00:02:21,380 Looking a bit like weapons. 32 00:02:21,380 --> 00:02:23,980 And that's Joe Biden not falling down the stairs. 33 00:02:23,980 --> 00:02:25,020 Not yet. 34 00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:26,780 Not yet. 35 00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:29,420 This is the belated realisation that perhaps Israel's war isn't entirely 36 00:02:29,420 --> 00:02:33,860 proportionate or targeted. 37 00:02:33,860 --> 00:02:37,500 The tipping point of the war is now that three British aid 38 00:02:37,500 --> 00:02:41,380 workers have been killed, whereas 30,000 Palestinians have 39 00:02:41,380 --> 00:02:43,740 been killed in the war. 40 00:02:43,740 --> 00:02:46,100 It's grim but true. 41 00:02:46,100 --> 00:02:48,500 If you kill people who aren't Palestinians, then it suddenly 42 00:02:48,500 --> 00:02:52,100 becomes unacceptable. 43 00:02:52,100 --> 00:02:54,100 But it might be a turning point. 44 00:02:54,100 --> 00:02:57,900 How has Israel's Benjamin Netanyahu explained the deadly strike? 45 00:02:57,900 --> 00:03:00,060 Basically saying it was an accident, it wasn't deliberate. 46 00:03:00,060 --> 00:03:01,300 These things happen in war. 47 00:03:01,300 --> 00:03:02,500 Yeah, the fog of war. 48 00:03:02,500 --> 00:03:03,540 It's not very good. 49 00:03:03,540 --> 00:03:05,940 I mean, the head of the Israeli army actually apologised, 50 00:03:05,940 --> 00:03:07,620 but Netanyahu, no. 51 00:03:07,620 --> 00:03:09,540 I mean, there are huge rallies against Netanyahu 52 00:03:09,540 --> 00:03:11,620 in Israel at the moment. 53 00:03:11,620 --> 00:03:13,380 Mm. 54 00:03:13,380 --> 00:03:15,780 I mean, he said the attack on the aid convoy was: 55 00:03:18,820 --> 00:03:20,500 So what is significant about President Biden's 56 00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:22,660 reaction to the attack? 57 00:03:22,660 --> 00:03:25,460 Well, America has supported Israel's right to defend itself 58 00:03:25,460 --> 00:03:29,380 all the way through, but that is now changing. 59 00:03:29,380 --> 00:03:32,020 He's said that enough's enough and Israel have got to change 60 00:03:32,020 --> 00:03:34,500 the way they pursue the war. 61 00:03:34,500 --> 00:03:35,940 Yeah. 62 00:03:35,940 --> 00:03:40,340 He said in a statement that he was outraged and heartbroken. 63 00:03:40,340 --> 00:03:43,980 He's so furious, he's just signed a new arms shipment. 64 00:03:43,980 --> 00:03:45,980 And that's cross. 65 00:03:45,980 --> 00:03:48,140 Staying with the situation in Gaza, here's the 81-year-old 66 00:03:48,140 --> 00:03:51,980 US President speaking at the White House in February. 67 00:04:13,620 --> 00:04:15,660 Couldn't remember the name of Hamas. 68 00:04:15,660 --> 00:04:18,060 In the interests of balance I should make it clear 69 00:04:18,060 --> 00:04:20,220 that his rival for the presidency, 77-year-old Donald Trump, 70 00:04:20,220 --> 00:04:23,100 also seems to be losing his marbles. 71 00:04:23,100 --> 00:04:26,220 Trump was quick to come up with an explanation as to why he'd 72 00:04:26,220 --> 00:04:29,460 said Obama instead of Biden. 73 00:04:29,460 --> 00:04:31,620 He's certainly got a wide range of voices. 74 00:04:31,620 --> 00:04:35,940 But when I say Barack Hussein Obama, the president of our country, 75 00:04:35,940 --> 00:04:39,020 on the news at night, they go, "Donald Trump didn't know 76 00:04:39,020 --> 00:04:42,180 the name of our president! 77 00:04:42,180 --> 00:04:44,100 "He said it was President Obama. 78 00:04:44,100 --> 00:04:46,500 It's President Biden!" 79 00:04:46,500 --> 00:04:49,140 So I have to be very, very careful. 80 00:04:49,140 --> 00:04:51,140 LAUGHTER 81 00:04:51,140 --> 00:04:52,180 Yes, indeed. 82 00:04:52,180 --> 00:04:54,780 Or people might realise you're clinically insane. 83 00:04:54,780 --> 00:04:58,940 APPLAUSE 84 00:05:00,260 --> 00:05:03,140 As many as 70% of Americans have said that they don't want 85 00:05:03,140 --> 00:05:05,660 a Biden/Trump rematch, the oldest people to run 86 00:05:05,660 --> 00:05:09,900 for the presidency in US history. 87 00:05:09,900 --> 00:05:12,020 So why are we here with two old-timers once 88 00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:15,260 again battling it out? 89 00:05:15,260 --> 00:05:19,460 LAUGHTER 90 00:05:20,500 --> 00:05:24,620 APPLAUSE 91 00:05:24,620 --> 00:05:26,140 It's a very simple answer. 92 00:05:26,140 --> 00:05:28,580 Half past three. 93 00:05:28,580 --> 00:05:31,340 We don't care! 94 00:05:31,340 --> 00:05:36,340 OLD PERSON VOICE: What time's dinner? 95 00:05:36,580 --> 00:05:37,620 OK. 96 00:05:37,620 --> 00:05:40,020 Who stepped forward to offer a third option to lead... 97 00:05:40,020 --> 00:05:42,260 Is it Matron? 98 00:05:42,260 --> 00:05:43,860 LAUGHTER 99 00:05:43,860 --> 00:05:46,540 I could keep this up all programme, you know. 100 00:05:46,540 --> 00:05:49,620 A man in Texas intends to run for President and in preparation has 101 00:05:49,620 --> 00:05:52,500 legally changed his name to: 102 00:05:55,620 --> 00:05:58,500 LAUGHTER 103 00:05:58,500 --> 00:06:00,780 That's good. 104 00:06:00,780 --> 00:06:03,700 Donald Trump has had a few cash flow problems recently, 105 00:06:03,700 --> 00:06:08,660 having to post a $175 million bond in his New York civil fraud case. 106 00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:11,660 What fashion item is he selling to raise a few dollars? 107 00:06:11,660 --> 00:06:13,620 The Bible. 108 00:06:13,620 --> 00:06:14,980 Gold trainers. 109 00:06:14,980 --> 00:06:16,660 Gold trainers and the Bible. 110 00:06:16,660 --> 00:06:17,660 Ah! 111 00:06:17,660 --> 00:06:18,700 Yeah! 112 00:06:18,700 --> 00:06:19,740 Ooh, yes. 113 00:06:19,740 --> 00:06:20,780 Yes! 114 00:06:20,780 --> 00:06:22,340 He's turning into Frankie Howerd. 115 00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:24,180 Oh! 116 00:06:24,180 --> 00:06:26,260 Oh! 117 00:06:26,260 --> 00:06:27,300 Oh, yes! 118 00:06:27,300 --> 00:06:28,340 Oh! 119 00:06:28,340 --> 00:06:29,380 Yeah. 120 00:06:29,380 --> 00:06:30,580 Hi-top gold sneakers costing $399. 121 00:06:30,580 --> 00:06:33,260 Here they are. 122 00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:36,940 Emblazoned with a gold T. 123 00:06:36,940 --> 00:06:41,940 The sales blurb accompanying them online says: 124 00:06:47,500 --> 00:06:49,860 Both candidates put out Easter messages. 125 00:06:49,860 --> 00:06:52,940 Joe Biden's read: 126 00:06:56,540 --> 00:06:58,980 And here's Donald Trump's: 127 00:07:01,700 --> 00:07:05,580 LAUGHTER 128 00:07:20,900 --> 00:07:24,020 LAUGHTER 129 00:07:24,020 --> 00:07:25,060 I sometimes 130 00:07:25,060 --> 00:07:28,540 wonder whether on Truth Social you can only write in capitals. 131 00:07:28,540 --> 00:07:30,940 It's almost like it's a setting, like he only writes 132 00:07:30,940 --> 00:07:31,980 exclusively in capitals. 133 00:07:31,980 --> 00:07:33,420 He's just got to shout, man. 134 00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:36,740 He's just got to shout. 135 00:07:36,740 --> 00:07:38,180 It's just his style now, though. 136 00:07:38,180 --> 00:07:41,060 He always types in capitals so now maybe you just read it 137 00:07:41,060 --> 00:07:42,100 like he's not shouting. 138 00:07:42,100 --> 00:07:43,300 Like he's not shouting, right. 139 00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:45,460 But normal people use caps as well, don't they, 140 00:07:45,460 --> 00:07:46,660 when they want to emphasise...? 141 00:07:46,660 --> 00:07:48,100 At the beginning of words, Clive. 142 00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:50,740 I think he would write in capitals because he can't do 143 00:07:50,740 --> 00:07:53,300 joined-up letters yet, so that might be what it is. 144 00:07:53,300 --> 00:07:56,660 As it's the first of a new series, guess what I've got for you? 145 00:07:56,660 --> 00:07:58,300 Have we got custom-made bibles? 146 00:07:58,300 --> 00:08:00,060 Have I Got Good News For You? 147 00:08:00,060 --> 00:08:01,580 Well! 148 00:08:01,580 --> 00:08:03,420 Yes. 149 00:08:03,420 --> 00:08:04,660 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 150 00:08:04,660 --> 00:08:05,700 Yes. 151 00:08:05,700 --> 00:08:07,820 Actually, it's a bonus Odd One Out. 152 00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:09,020 Bonus Odd One Out?! 153 00:08:09,020 --> 00:08:11,220 Your four are: Rishi Sunak. 154 00:08:11,220 --> 00:08:12,980 Humza Yousaf. 155 00:08:12,980 --> 00:08:14,500 Vaughan Gething. 156 00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:17,100 And Vladimir Putin. 157 00:08:17,100 --> 00:08:18,180 BELL 158 00:08:18,180 --> 00:08:22,460 Putin is the only one who's won an election. 159 00:08:24,140 --> 00:08:27,020 APPLAUSE 160 00:08:27,020 --> 00:08:29,940 Absolutely right. 161 00:08:29,940 --> 00:08:33,540 The odd one out is Vladimir Putin, and he's the only one of the four 162 00:08:33,540 --> 00:08:35,500 to have faced a popular vote. 163 00:08:35,500 --> 00:08:38,740 He won a landslide victory in Russia's recent general election, 164 00:08:38,740 --> 00:08:41,140 a result announced just a few minutes before the election 165 00:08:41,140 --> 00:08:45,780 actually took place. 166 00:08:45,780 --> 00:08:49,860 I'm just wondering, anyone know why Putin defecates into a briefcase? 167 00:08:49,860 --> 00:08:52,740 Oh! 168 00:08:52,740 --> 00:08:54,900 I just thought I'd throw that one out there. 169 00:08:54,900 --> 00:08:55,940 I don't know! 170 00:08:55,940 --> 00:08:57,620 Why does Putin defecate in a briefcase? 171 00:08:57,620 --> 00:08:59,740 Has this happened to you personally? 172 00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:01,860 I met him and he was lovely. 173 00:09:01,860 --> 00:09:03,420 Yeah, he was all right. 174 00:09:03,420 --> 00:09:06,380 Well, according to an article in Paris Match magazine, 175 00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:09,260 when he's abroad, his bodily waste is placed in a dedicated briefcase 176 00:09:09,260 --> 00:09:11,660 for the journey home, leaving nothing behind that could be 177 00:09:11,660 --> 00:09:15,500 analysed to give away anything about his health. 178 00:09:15,500 --> 00:09:18,140 So there you go. 179 00:09:18,140 --> 00:09:19,180 There you go. 180 00:09:19,180 --> 00:09:21,540 This is Joe Biden's increasing... 181 00:09:21,540 --> 00:09:24,140 That's the most incredible use of, "There you go." 182 00:09:24,140 --> 00:09:26,780 Just, "There you go." 183 00:09:26,780 --> 00:09:30,100 "He shits in a briefcase, no more questions, thank you very much." 184 00:09:30,100 --> 00:09:32,980 Does he take a suitcase with him in case he gets diarrhoea? 185 00:09:32,980 --> 00:09:34,380 Oh! 186 00:09:34,380 --> 00:09:35,420 Oh, yeah, blame me. 187 00:09:35,420 --> 00:09:40,420 It's him the one that's having a shit in the bloody briefcase! 188 00:09:40,660 --> 00:09:43,060 Before we move on from some of the grimmer news, 189 00:09:43,060 --> 00:09:46,420 let's take a look moment to admire a masterly tonal gear change by BBC 190 00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:48,540 Breakfast's Jon Kay. 191 00:09:48,540 --> 00:09:51,180 It looks very much like there'll be fewer showers and it 192 00:09:51,180 --> 00:09:52,340 will be a bit drier. 193 00:09:52,340 --> 00:09:54,380 Aww, Carol, thank you. 194 00:09:54,380 --> 00:09:55,700 THEY LAUGH 195 00:09:55,700 --> 00:09:58,340 I'd love to say it's my own work, Sal, but sadly... 196 00:09:58,340 --> 00:09:59,380 It is! 197 00:09:59,380 --> 00:10:00,740 It totally is. 198 00:10:00,740 --> 00:10:02,500 Er, it's 17 minutes past 6. 199 00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:04,700 Now, machetes. 200 00:10:04,700 --> 00:10:09,660 LAUGHTER 201 00:10:11,980 --> 00:10:14,860 Paul and Jon, have a look at this. 202 00:10:14,860 --> 00:10:18,220 Good to have a trade to fall back on. 203 00:10:18,220 --> 00:10:21,220 Early pilot for Deal Or No Deal. 204 00:10:21,220 --> 00:10:24,620 Yes, this is about the election which will be sometime this year 205 00:10:24,620 --> 00:10:26,780 and the latest polls are suggesting that the Conservatives 206 00:10:26,780 --> 00:10:29,900 are going to lose quite badly and up to 11 Cabinet ministers may 207 00:10:29,900 --> 00:10:30,980 lose their seats. 208 00:10:30,980 --> 00:10:32,780 100% correct. 209 00:10:32,780 --> 00:10:33,820 Yeah. 210 00:10:33,820 --> 00:10:36,220 This is the recent disastrous polling for Rishi Sunak that 211 00:10:36,220 --> 00:10:38,860 suggests the Conservatives could be reduced to fewer than 100 seats 212 00:10:38,860 --> 00:10:41,540 at the next general election. 213 00:10:41,540 --> 00:10:42,580 Spot on. 214 00:10:42,580 --> 00:10:44,620 That many? 215 00:10:44,620 --> 00:10:47,660 I'm hoping for none. 216 00:10:47,660 --> 00:10:50,900 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 217 00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:54,620 You'll have to verify this for bias. 218 00:10:54,620 --> 00:10:56,820 All you've got to do is lie constantly, get 219 00:10:56,820 --> 00:10:58,780 every big decision wrong, decimate people's lives, 220 00:10:58,780 --> 00:11:03,780 and after about 15 years people go, "That'll do, that's enough of that." 221 00:11:04,140 --> 00:11:08,220 Obviously certain sections of the leftie media will be biased 222 00:11:08,220 --> 00:11:10,140 against the Conservatives, so let's give their supporters 223 00:11:10,140 --> 00:11:13,540 a voice, shall we? 224 00:11:13,540 --> 00:11:15,700 Here's the monthly popularity chart of Cabinet ministers conducted 225 00:11:15,700 --> 00:11:18,260 by the Conservative Home website. 226 00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:19,300 All right, pop pickers. 227 00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:21,900 Let's go. 228 00:11:21,900 --> 00:11:25,620 PICK OF THE POPS THEME 229 00:11:33,340 --> 00:11:34,420 JON: Wow. 230 00:11:34,420 --> 00:11:36,500 I don't know who Michael Tomlinson is! 231 00:11:36,500 --> 00:11:39,300 But 39.5 people seem to dislike him. 232 00:11:39,300 --> 00:11:42,180 No, I mean, this is all those lefties in the Conservative Party 233 00:11:42,180 --> 00:11:44,060 who don't like their own MPs. 234 00:11:44,060 --> 00:11:48,380 And the most unpopular of all, bar the one, is the Prime Minister. 235 00:11:48,380 --> 00:11:50,300 Despite all he's done! 236 00:11:50,300 --> 00:11:52,700 I mean, this week he was out on local radio... 237 00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:53,740 Yeah. 238 00:11:53,740 --> 00:11:56,140 He goes out and someone says, "Well, when's the election?" 239 00:11:56,140 --> 00:11:57,340 He goes, "Ha-ha...ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha-ha... 240 00:11:57,340 --> 00:12:00,300 "Ha...ha." 241 00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:02,220 That's it. 242 00:12:02,220 --> 00:12:03,820 He obviously doesn't care. 243 00:12:03,820 --> 00:12:05,980 And if he's laughing like that in an interview, 244 00:12:05,980 --> 00:12:07,420 what is he like at home? 245 00:12:07,420 --> 00:12:09,820 If his wife's like, "Have you put the bins out?" 246 00:12:09,820 --> 00:12:11,060 HE CACKLES LOUDLY 247 00:12:11,060 --> 00:12:12,980 I quite like the way he's ruling out 248 00:12:12,980 --> 00:12:14,900 the election days sort of one by one. 249 00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:16,060 Yes. 250 00:12:16,060 --> 00:12:17,100 "It's not this day. 251 00:12:17,100 --> 00:12:19,260 But it could be any of the other 364!" 252 00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:21,900 The fact is, a record 11 cabinet members have a negative 253 00:12:21,900 --> 00:12:25,060 rating, and poor Michael Tomlinson! 254 00:12:25,060 --> 00:12:27,820 -39.5! 255 00:12:27,820 --> 00:12:29,740 Would you like to see him presenting himself 256 00:12:29,740 --> 00:12:32,900 as an ordinary bloke on Sky News? 257 00:12:32,900 --> 00:12:35,980 But I do enjoy watching sport and if you want to ask me 258 00:12:35,980 --> 00:12:37,660 about cricket or sport, then please do. 259 00:12:37,660 --> 00:12:38,740 Who's your football team? 260 00:12:38,740 --> 00:12:39,740 My football... 261 00:12:39,740 --> 00:12:41,420 I don't really have a football team. 262 00:12:41,420 --> 00:12:43,100 So you're not a sports fan, really. 263 00:12:43,100 --> 00:12:44,180 I'm a cricket fan! 264 00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:45,820 I love sport, I enjoy watching sport. 265 00:12:45,820 --> 00:12:49,180 But it would be wrong to tell you that I have a football team. 266 00:12:49,180 --> 00:12:50,260 I've been to... 267 00:12:50,260 --> 00:12:52,380 I've been to Bournemouth, I've been to various other 268 00:12:52,380 --> 00:12:54,540 grounds, but I don't have a specific football team. 269 00:12:54,540 --> 00:12:55,580 OK. 270 00:12:55,580 --> 00:12:56,620 It's good to see. 271 00:12:56,620 --> 00:12:57,660 Wimborne Town Football Club! 272 00:12:57,660 --> 00:12:58,700 OK. 273 00:12:58,700 --> 00:12:59,820 There we go. 274 00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:00,780 Wimborne Town. 275 00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:01,860 OK. 276 00:13:01,860 --> 00:13:03,020 What was their last result? 277 00:13:03,020 --> 00:13:04,260 I couldn't tell you that. 278 00:13:04,260 --> 00:13:06,900 The last result when I was there, it was very exciting. 279 00:13:06,900 --> 00:13:09,500 Lots of goals were scored and it was a one-all draw. 280 00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:10,540 LAUGHTER 281 00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:13,620 He's done well to get -39, really, hasn't he? 282 00:13:13,620 --> 00:13:16,020 And people, they still can't seem to disguise their feelings 283 00:13:16,020 --> 00:13:18,500 about Jeremy Hunt. 284 00:13:18,500 --> 00:13:20,860 The Labour leader is the latest to criticise the Government 285 00:13:20,860 --> 00:13:24,700 for using taxpayers' money to compensate for a minister's 286 00:13:24,700 --> 00:13:27,780 mistake after the Science Secretary Michelle Donelan falsely accused 287 00:13:27,780 --> 00:13:30,740 an academic of supporting Hamas. 288 00:13:30,740 --> 00:13:32,900 She spoke to Mr Cunt... 289 00:13:32,900 --> 00:13:33,980 Mr Hunt. 290 00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:37,180 How did he respond to calls for her to resign? 291 00:13:37,180 --> 00:13:42,020 LAUGHTER 292 00:13:42,020 --> 00:13:43,900 Have you frozen it just at the point 293 00:13:43,900 --> 00:13:47,260 when she realises what she said? 294 00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:52,260 And while he's thinking to himself, "Is this going out live?" 295 00:13:52,300 --> 00:13:55,300 Marianna, who's been doing the spear-fishing? 296 00:13:55,300 --> 00:13:58,860 Fishing with a P-H rather than an F, I believe. 297 00:13:58,860 --> 00:14:01,780 And I think it's a lot of MPs who've been getting explicit 298 00:14:01,780 --> 00:14:04,380 photos sent to them, which are sort of like a phishing 299 00:14:04,380 --> 00:14:08,020 trap to try and get them to reply and then maybe get pictures of them 300 00:14:08,020 --> 00:14:09,660 or get them to send photos back. 301 00:14:09,660 --> 00:14:11,220 So it's a sting? 302 00:14:11,220 --> 00:14:14,860 It's a sting, it's like a scam, it's a way of trying to get people's 303 00:14:14,860 --> 00:14:17,220 personal details or get them to share stuff with you. 304 00:14:17,220 --> 00:14:20,580 And there seem to be quite a few MPs who've been targeted with it. 305 00:14:20,580 --> 00:14:22,740 Well, I think some people are sending really revolting 306 00:14:22,740 --> 00:14:26,580 pictures of potholes and saying, "Can you sort this out?" 307 00:14:26,580 --> 00:14:29,180 It always baffles me that men choose to send... 308 00:14:29,180 --> 00:14:32,740 It's the last thing I show anyone. 309 00:14:32,740 --> 00:14:34,940 But you do show it? 310 00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:36,220 But it's the last thing. 311 00:14:36,220 --> 00:14:38,820 It makes an appearance eventually. 312 00:14:38,820 --> 00:14:41,220 "These are the curtains in my back bedroom, "and now, 313 00:14:41,220 --> 00:14:44,300 star of the show..." 314 00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:45,460 Moving swiftly on... 315 00:14:45,460 --> 00:14:47,060 Yes. 316 00:14:47,060 --> 00:14:50,500 ..what about the exciting new Reform party? 317 00:14:50,500 --> 00:14:53,380 How many seats are they predicted to gain at the next election? 318 00:14:53,380 --> 00:14:55,300 Well, they're polling on just the same amount 319 00:14:55,300 --> 00:14:57,340 as the Tories, is that right? 320 00:14:57,340 --> 00:14:58,380 No - none. 321 00:14:58,380 --> 00:14:59,580 None? 322 00:14:59,580 --> 00:15:00,820 According to the poll. 323 00:15:00,820 --> 00:15:02,500 Oh, thank goodness for the electoral system. 324 00:15:02,500 --> 00:15:03,700 Yes. 325 00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:05,980 According to the poll... 326 00:15:07,860 --> 00:15:12,420 ..as the Lib Dems look on enviously. 327 00:15:12,420 --> 00:15:15,900 And this is despite Reform's newest recruit, Lee Anderson. 328 00:15:15,900 --> 00:15:18,460 Oh! 329 00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:19,500 PAUL CHUCKLES 330 00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:21,260 He's great, isn't he? 331 00:15:21,260 --> 00:15:22,700 I'm sure he's a glove puppet. 332 00:15:22,700 --> 00:15:24,660 There can't be a human being like that. 333 00:15:24,660 --> 00:15:27,260 He just comes out with the most ridiculous load of nonsense. 334 00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:30,380 He's usually referred to as Lee-Anderthal. 335 00:15:30,380 --> 00:15:35,420 Did you see the interesting way Sophy Ridge introduced him? 336 00:15:36,660 --> 00:15:38,580 Also tonight, one of the Conservative Party's most 337 00:15:38,580 --> 00:15:41,660 prominent MPs from the 2019 intake, Lee Anderson, defects to Reform UK 338 00:15:41,660 --> 00:15:44,500 as one of the last pricks in the so-called Tory red wall 339 00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:47,380 has crumbled away. 340 00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:52,380 WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE 341 00:15:53,940 --> 00:15:55,140 Clearly, broadcasters feel there's not 342 00:15:55,140 --> 00:15:57,700 going to be a Conservative government for much longer. 343 00:15:57,700 --> 00:15:58,740 No. 344 00:15:58,740 --> 00:16:01,700 They're getting a bit demob-happy, aren't they? 345 00:16:01,700 --> 00:16:03,660 And she didn't even correct herself. 346 00:16:03,660 --> 00:16:06,300 Who is the leadership candidate coming up quietly on the rails? 347 00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:08,380 Er, Nigel Farage. 348 00:16:08,380 --> 00:16:10,740 Hmm, no. 349 00:16:10,740 --> 00:16:13,420 According to the Times, Priti Patel. 350 00:16:13,420 --> 00:16:17,260 AUDIENCE GROANS 351 00:16:17,740 --> 00:16:20,340 Apparently... 352 00:16:23,860 --> 00:16:27,020 And that was her looking in the mirror. 353 00:16:27,020 --> 00:16:29,060 Yes. 354 00:16:29,060 --> 00:16:30,740 And who's secretly behind Priti Patel? 355 00:16:30,740 --> 00:16:34,140 Apparently, Liz Truss is backing Priti Patel, 356 00:16:34,140 --> 00:16:36,540 but Priti Patel obviously doesn't want anyone to know that. 357 00:16:36,540 --> 00:16:40,300 That's the end of your campaign. 358 00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:44,220 Ian, you are right, Liz Truss - Liz and the PopCons. 359 00:16:44,220 --> 00:16:47,300 They're actually a group called... 360 00:16:48,020 --> 00:16:50,980 Yes, there's an oxymoron. 361 00:16:50,980 --> 00:16:52,980 What's their master plan? 362 00:16:52,980 --> 00:16:55,700 They're trying a few last-minute ideas - 363 00:16:55,700 --> 00:16:57,620 criminalising the homeless, which is going to apply 364 00:16:57,620 --> 00:17:00,980 to a lot of them quite soon. 365 00:17:00,980 --> 00:17:04,060 What they want to do is install a... 366 00:17:10,420 --> 00:17:13,020 One insider told the Telegraph... 367 00:17:15,380 --> 00:17:19,580 So they'll do it! 368 00:17:19,580 --> 00:17:22,420 Well, who has been giving the Conservatives some bad news? 369 00:17:22,420 --> 00:17:26,500 The eccentric boffin and election egghead Professor John Curtice. 370 00:17:26,500 --> 00:17:29,940 He's declared that there is... 371 00:17:33,980 --> 00:17:35,620 Wow. 372 00:17:35,620 --> 00:17:38,260 Who are some of the rising stars of the Labour Party? 373 00:17:38,260 --> 00:17:39,460 Angela Rayner. 374 00:17:39,460 --> 00:17:40,860 Ooh. 375 00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:42,540 But, ooh, what about the council tax? 376 00:17:42,540 --> 00:17:43,980 You're not going to believe this. 377 00:17:43,980 --> 00:17:47,060 Angela Rayner may have fiddled up to... 378 00:17:47,060 --> 00:17:51,220 ..£1,500 on her council tax, says a book published by Lord Ashcroft, 379 00:17:51,220 --> 00:17:56,220 who avoided £112 million when he was a non-dom. 380 00:17:57,940 --> 00:18:02,900 I think that means she's guilty. 381 00:18:02,900 --> 00:18:05,780 Allegedly. 382 00:18:05,780 --> 00:18:08,180 I can feel that you're walking this tightrope, Clive - 383 00:18:08,180 --> 00:18:10,820 reading the Ten O'Clock News or the Jobcentre, and you're just 384 00:18:10,820 --> 00:18:12,820 walking down the middle. 385 00:18:12,820 --> 00:18:16,180 Yeah, this is the unofficial countdown to the general election. 386 00:18:16,180 --> 00:18:18,100 Former Defence Minister Ben Wallace attempted to rally 387 00:18:18,100 --> 00:18:20,300 Tory MPs by saying... 388 00:18:27,460 --> 00:18:29,860 And after that, Ben, you put on your spangly catsuit 389 00:18:29,860 --> 00:18:33,100 and you go on Strictly. 390 00:18:33,100 --> 00:18:36,780 Rishi Sunak sneaked out a quick honours list over Easter. 391 00:18:36,780 --> 00:18:39,180 According to the Guardian, a businessman who donated £5 million 392 00:18:39,180 --> 00:18:43,300 to the Conservative Party was unexpectedly given a knighthood. 393 00:18:43,300 --> 00:18:45,940 Unexpectedly, because at no point had he been quoted as saying 394 00:18:45,940 --> 00:18:50,580 he wants to shoot a black woman. 395 00:18:50,580 --> 00:18:52,100 AUDIENCE MURMUR UNCOMFORTABLY 396 00:18:52,100 --> 00:18:53,140 The thing... 397 00:18:53,140 --> 00:18:55,500 For Rishi Sunak, this is specifically not allowed. 398 00:18:55,500 --> 00:18:59,020 I mean, I don't understand why both Mr Mansour, 399 00:18:59,020 --> 00:19:01,860 who used to be an Egyptian cabinet minister under a very autocratic 400 00:19:01,860 --> 00:19:05,020 regime, he has come to Britain and given the Tories a huge amount 401 00:19:05,020 --> 00:19:08,580 of money, and he immediately gets a knighthood. 402 00:19:08,580 --> 00:19:10,460 That seems to me straightforwardly corrupt. 403 00:19:10,460 --> 00:19:13,940 Shouldn't they both be in jail? 404 00:19:13,940 --> 00:19:16,980 APPLAUSE 405 00:19:16,980 --> 00:19:18,420 I ask that as a question. 406 00:19:18,420 --> 00:19:21,860 I have no idea what the answer is. 407 00:19:21,860 --> 00:19:25,660 And so to round two, the jazzed-up jigsaw of news. 408 00:19:25,660 --> 00:19:26,860 Fingers on the buzzers, teams. 409 00:19:26,860 --> 00:19:28,460 Yes. 410 00:19:28,460 --> 00:19:32,260 JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS 411 00:19:32,260 --> 00:19:34,260 BELL 412 00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:35,940 This is this statue of Prince Philip 413 00:19:35,940 --> 00:19:38,620 that was outside Cambridge University. 414 00:19:38,620 --> 00:19:41,380 I think it's called The Don or something like that, 415 00:19:41,380 --> 00:19:44,780 and everyone was very upset about it cos they thought it was very ugly 416 00:19:44,780 --> 00:19:47,380 and they didn't like it and it's now being taken down. 417 00:19:47,380 --> 00:19:48,860 What do you think of it? 418 00:19:48,860 --> 00:19:51,460 It looks like one of the Dementors. 419 00:19:51,460 --> 00:19:52,900 Who's taken issue with the statue? 420 00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:54,100 Everybody, I would have thought. 421 00:19:54,100 --> 00:19:55,140 Yeah. 422 00:19:55,140 --> 00:19:56,820 In 2014, it was refused planning permission 423 00:19:56,820 --> 00:19:59,100 from Cambridge City Council, who called it... 424 00:20:02,940 --> 00:20:05,420 So what's going to happen to it now? 425 00:20:05,420 --> 00:20:06,980 I'll have it. 426 00:20:06,980 --> 00:20:08,900 You'll have it? 427 00:20:08,900 --> 00:20:11,820 You'd get 50 grand for it, wouldn't you, just selling it off? 428 00:20:11,820 --> 00:20:14,460 Someone'll have that tat, won't they? 429 00:20:14,460 --> 00:20:16,140 The property development firm who commissioned it, 430 00:20:16,140 --> 00:20:18,300 they say they would... 431 00:20:21,180 --> 00:20:24,220 ..ie, the tip. 432 00:20:24,220 --> 00:20:26,340 Why has a sculpture of Sir Paul McCartney been 433 00:20:26,340 --> 00:20:28,100 in the news recently? 434 00:20:28,100 --> 00:20:29,620 It must be another bad sculpture. 435 00:20:29,620 --> 00:20:32,500 It wouldn't be in the news if it was a good one. 436 00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:33,540 There you go. 437 00:20:33,540 --> 00:20:35,700 Artist Wilfrid Wood claims a clay sculpture he made 438 00:20:35,700 --> 00:20:37,620 of the Beatle was... 439 00:20:39,260 --> 00:20:41,700 See what you think. 440 00:20:49,740 --> 00:20:52,380 Paul, this gives us a perfect excuse to bring up one 441 00:20:52,380 --> 00:20:54,580 of Wilfrid's earlier works. 442 00:21:02,940 --> 00:21:04,740 Wasn't there one of Ian as well? 443 00:21:04,740 --> 00:21:08,900 Oh, haven't you bothered to get that one, Mr Neutral? 444 00:21:11,100 --> 00:21:15,300 All right, can you take it off the screen now? 445 00:21:15,300 --> 00:21:17,700 Well, we haven't got Ian, but we've got Chris Whitty. 446 00:21:17,700 --> 00:21:22,700 I'm happy with that. 447 00:21:26,300 --> 00:21:28,340 Buzzers on the teams, please. 448 00:21:28,340 --> 00:21:32,540 Buzzers on the teams? 449 00:21:34,260 --> 00:21:38,740 JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS 450 00:21:38,740 --> 00:21:40,020 BUZZER 451 00:21:40,020 --> 00:21:41,220 Ah, yes, they've found some 452 00:21:41,220 --> 00:21:45,820 water in a load of shit. 453 00:21:47,340 --> 00:21:50,700 It's the dreadful case about how the state of our rivers and the seas 454 00:21:50,700 --> 00:21:52,940 are being heavily polluted by these water authorities. 455 00:21:52,940 --> 00:21:56,020 The Boat Race last week, the Cambridge versus Oxford, 456 00:21:56,020 --> 00:21:57,660 the same two teams reaching the final. 457 00:21:57,660 --> 00:22:00,380 There was a... 458 00:22:00,380 --> 00:22:01,420 LAUGHTER 459 00:22:01,420 --> 00:22:04,060 I think it was the Cambridge team who got very ill 460 00:22:04,060 --> 00:22:05,900 and they blamed it on E. Coli. 461 00:22:05,900 --> 00:22:09,220 The water's so dirty, you can't even dip your cox in it any more. 462 00:22:09,220 --> 00:22:12,660 Yeah. 463 00:22:13,740 --> 00:22:16,980 What has recently been discovered in a harbour near Portsmouth? 464 00:22:16,980 --> 00:22:19,380 It's not all the money stolen by the water companies 465 00:22:19,380 --> 00:22:20,580 over the years, is it? 466 00:22:20,580 --> 00:22:21,660 You say stolen? 467 00:22:21,660 --> 00:22:23,580 Well, the water companies, since they were privatised, 468 00:22:23,580 --> 00:22:26,260 have basically just run up debt. 469 00:22:26,260 --> 00:22:29,460 They haven't built anything new, they haven't invested in anything, 470 00:22:29,460 --> 00:22:31,860 they have literally borrowed money in order to give it 471 00:22:31,860 --> 00:22:33,540 to their shareholders and to their investors. 472 00:22:33,540 --> 00:22:34,940 And again, I... 473 00:22:34,940 --> 00:22:37,820 I think this is theft. 474 00:22:37,820 --> 00:22:41,740 APPLAUSE 475 00:22:41,740 --> 00:22:44,140 They are blaming the fact that the rivers are becoming 476 00:22:44,140 --> 00:22:45,340 polluted through too much water. 477 00:22:45,340 --> 00:22:47,500 It's raining too much, which normally as a water 478 00:22:47,500 --> 00:22:49,900 authority would be good news, cos then you could fill 479 00:22:49,900 --> 00:22:51,060 up your reservoir. 480 00:22:51,060 --> 00:22:54,180 But literally in the middle of last week, a number of them announced 481 00:22:54,180 --> 00:22:56,580 hosepipe bans were going to come in later this year. 482 00:22:56,580 --> 00:23:01,580 I mean, the river's not the only thing full of shit. 483 00:23:01,780 --> 00:23:03,260 What was discovered near Portsmouth? 484 00:23:03,260 --> 00:23:04,940 Well, the marine biologist Professor Alex Ford, 485 00:23:04,940 --> 00:23:07,580 he and his team discovered that every single marine species living 486 00:23:07,580 --> 00:23:09,740 in the contaminated water was full of a variety 487 00:23:09,740 --> 00:23:13,060 of drugs, including... 488 00:23:15,100 --> 00:23:17,260 Now, here he is, talking to Good Morning Britain 489 00:23:17,260 --> 00:23:19,740 about the discovery. 490 00:23:19,740 --> 00:23:22,620 Yeah, so, Alex, they're just asking about the cocaine that you found. 491 00:23:22,620 --> 00:23:25,020 You're sampling these marine species and you're finding that what's 492 00:23:25,020 --> 00:23:27,180 in the sewage water ends up in those species? 493 00:23:27,180 --> 00:23:29,620 Exactly. 494 00:23:29,620 --> 00:23:33,460 The drugs affect this wildlife in the same way that they do us. 495 00:23:33,460 --> 00:23:36,340 If you give a fish the contraceptive pill, it starts to feminise. 496 00:23:36,340 --> 00:23:38,900 If you give crabs antidepressants, it changes their behaviour 497 00:23:38,900 --> 00:23:41,180 because those drugs were designed to change behaviour. 498 00:23:41,180 --> 00:23:44,780 So if you give them illegal drugs as well, it has very much the same 499 00:23:44,780 --> 00:23:47,420 effect on them that it would do on people as well. 500 00:23:47,420 --> 00:23:50,340 Haddock are up all night, planning to form production companies. 501 00:23:50,340 --> 00:23:55,340 Quite like the idea of a crab on antidepressants. 502 00:23:55,700 --> 00:24:00,700 "I've finally realised I could have been walking forward all this time." 503 00:24:02,820 --> 00:24:04,980 All this explains why the local branch of Itsu 504 00:24:04,980 --> 00:24:06,900 recently received a visit from a new quality 505 00:24:06,900 --> 00:24:11,660 control inspector. 506 00:24:11,660 --> 00:24:15,540 Did anyone see the BBC's environment correspondent Jonah Fisher? 507 00:24:15,540 --> 00:24:18,460 He covered the sewage crisis on the BBC News at Ten last 508 00:24:18,460 --> 00:24:19,460 week, anyone see that? 509 00:24:19,460 --> 00:24:24,460 No, I don't watch it, to be honest. 510 00:24:24,980 --> 00:24:26,900 Jonah Fisher, he visited a sewage treatment works 511 00:24:26,900 --> 00:24:29,100 in Surrey to get close up... 512 00:24:29,100 --> 00:24:30,500 They're treating sewage? 513 00:24:30,500 --> 00:24:33,380 "Let's go to the pictures." 514 00:24:33,380 --> 00:24:34,420 "More cocaine?" 515 00:24:34,420 --> 00:24:39,420 "Certainly." 516 00:24:39,580 --> 00:24:42,460 And I'll tell you what, when he went to the sewage works, 517 00:24:42,460 --> 00:24:43,660 he didn't mince his words. 518 00:24:43,660 --> 00:24:45,700 We've seen, you know, solids floating past. 519 00:24:45,700 --> 00:24:47,220 Turds? 520 00:24:47,220 --> 00:24:50,540 Yeah, turds. 521 00:24:50,540 --> 00:24:53,900 This is the news that UK rivers are full of cocaine and sewage, so, 522 00:24:53,900 --> 00:24:57,660 good shit, bad shit. 523 00:24:57,660 --> 00:25:01,580 It was reported that in the village of Allonby in Cumbria, 524 00:25:01,580 --> 00:25:05,740 sewage was pumped out for 4,500 hours nonstop, a record 525 00:25:05,740 --> 00:25:10,740 matched only by GB News. 526 00:25:13,940 --> 00:25:17,180 Time now for the missing words round, which this week features 527 00:25:17,180 --> 00:25:20,420 as its guest publication Brew Your Own, the how-to magazine 528 00:25:20,420 --> 00:25:22,340 for home-brewed beer. 529 00:25:22,340 --> 00:25:24,460 And we start with... 530 00:25:26,420 --> 00:25:27,620 Oh, I know this one. 531 00:25:27,620 --> 00:25:29,300 "I never talk before noon," says Lulu. 532 00:25:29,300 --> 00:25:32,660 She's going on a farewell tour at the age of 75 and her voice 533 00:25:32,660 --> 00:25:35,060 is in perfect condition and she never talks before noon 534 00:25:35,060 --> 00:25:36,500 to protect her voice, says Lulu. 535 00:25:36,500 --> 00:25:39,100 Give that man 100 points! 536 00:25:40,300 --> 00:25:43,100 You've been answering every question "Lulu" for 30 years. 537 00:25:43,100 --> 00:25:46,300 And now it's paid off. 538 00:25:46,300 --> 00:25:48,380 Next... 539 00:25:50,300 --> 00:25:53,020 Lulu! 540 00:25:53,020 --> 00:25:56,780 Threesomes! 541 00:25:56,780 --> 00:25:58,460 Planning, dedication, understanding spouse. 542 00:25:58,460 --> 00:26:02,100 Someone's got to make the tea. 543 00:26:02,100 --> 00:26:06,380 Absolutely bloody everything after the age of 40. 544 00:26:06,380 --> 00:26:09,300 It is... 545 00:26:15,660 --> 00:26:19,860 Ah, yeah, but in certain circles, that's a euphemism for a threesome. 546 00:26:19,860 --> 00:26:23,180 "I'm going on a beer holiday to Dusseldorf. 547 00:26:23,180 --> 00:26:26,140 "Just get out my lederhosen." 548 00:26:26,140 --> 00:26:28,300 And finally... 549 00:26:31,460 --> 00:26:36,060 "Get me down Caerphilly." 550 00:26:36,060 --> 00:26:37,660 Yes. 551 00:26:37,660 --> 00:26:42,660 There we are. 552 00:26:48,900 --> 00:26:50,820 This is pensioner Anne Hughes from South Wales, 553 00:26:50,820 --> 00:26:51,860 who went viral recently. 554 00:26:51,860 --> 00:26:55,260 Here's the moment it all went wrong. 555 00:27:15,540 --> 00:27:20,500 Some people are shoplifters, other people are lifted by shops. 556 00:27:23,460 --> 00:27:26,300 And the final scores are, Paul and Jon, six points. 557 00:27:26,300 --> 00:27:30,420 Ian and Marianna, seven points. 558 00:27:30,420 --> 00:27:34,260 That's only because you're on this side. 559 00:27:34,260 --> 00:27:36,820 But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition. 560 00:27:36,820 --> 00:27:39,980 Ian and Marianna have this. 561 00:27:39,980 --> 00:27:44,980 Is that Putin's briefcase? 562 00:27:45,020 --> 00:27:48,420 And Paul and Jon, you've got this. 563 00:27:48,420 --> 00:27:53,420 "This is the first time I've been on a beer trip to Dusseldorf." 564 00:27:56,500 --> 00:27:58,900 On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, 565 00:27:58,900 --> 00:28:01,780 Ian Hislop and Marianna Spring, Paul Merton and Jon Richardson. 566 00:28:01,780 --> 00:28:05,900 And I leave you with news that on a field trip to the Cotswolds, 567 00:28:05,900 --> 00:28:08,300 a group of schoolchildren decide to keep schtoom after watching 568 00:28:08,300 --> 00:28:11,060 a goat urinate all over the spring onion patch. 569 00:28:16,820 --> 00:28:19,220 In Ashfield, an open-top bus driver desperately fights the urge 570 00:28:19,220 --> 00:28:21,460 to slam on the brakes. 571 00:28:24,500 --> 00:28:27,580 And at Crufts, it looks like there's a sure-fire winner for the title 572 00:28:27,580 --> 00:28:30,180 of most ambitious crossbreed. 573 00:28:35,660 --> 00:28:39,660 Goodnight.