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This programme contains some strong
language and adult humour.
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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
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Good evening.
Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
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I'm Kirsty Young.
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In the news this week,
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in South London, after a woman's
husband comes home from work early,
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Boris Johnson's grateful
for the military supplies
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that he snaffled
on his last visit to Ukraine.
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LAUGHTER
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Childhood footage emerges
of Matt Hancock
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playing with his older brother,
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which helps to explain a lot.
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LAUGHTER
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And in Buckinghamshire,
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Keir Starmer lays out exactly how
he wants his Christmas cheeseboard
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to be arranged and distributed.
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Wedge, wedge, wedge.
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Divide, divide, divide.
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LAUGHTER
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On Ian's team tonight is a comedian
who can play the ukulele -
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but don't worry, we've had it
written into his contract
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that he won't.
Please welcome Phil Wang.
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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
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On Paul's team tonight is
an acclaimed writer and producer
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who was described recently
by the Daily Telegraph
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as the hard man of political satire,
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although a lot of people
think that's Ian,
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so they'll be sorting it out
in the car park a little later.
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Please welcome Armando Iannucci.
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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
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And so we begin with
the bigger news stories of the week.
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Ian and Phil,
just take a look at this.
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That's carol singers at Number Ten.
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Practising for his next job.
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Yeah.
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And that's someone being
deported back from Rwanda.
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This is the Rwanda vote.
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The Tory Party continues
to play chicken with itself
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over a policy it knows won't happen
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and even if it did happen,
wouldn't work.
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The UK could only send
200 people a year to Rwanda.
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That's not even the number of home
secretaries we've had in a year.
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Yeah, it's the end of
a great week for Rishi Sunak
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as he emerges from the Rwanda debate
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with his MPs under complete control
and his integrity entirely intact.
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The Rwanda bill was passed
with no Conservative MPs
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actually voting against.
A lot of them abstained. Abstained.
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What happens...?
It's a classic Tory revolt.
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It's like one of those
indoor fireworks you buy.
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The packet says this is going
to be great, it's going to blow up,
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and then it goes pffff...
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And so, do we know
what happens next? Yes.
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Nothing.
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They were saying,
"Could you tighten it up?"
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and he said it can't be
tightened any further.
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But he did say it was
already 95% watertight.
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So was the Titanic.
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So, you know...
So there's trouble ahead.
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It's going to get
its third reading in January.
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It is all actually
quite complicated.
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Let's hear from the man in charge,
who is James Cleverly, of course.
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If the bill is still... If the...
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Sorry, if the treaty
that we signed with Rwanda...
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In the same way that
if there are treaties signed
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with other countries,
if the treaty on which the bill...
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So the bill supports the treaty,
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the treaty addresses
the reasons that the Supreme Court
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said that they felt Rwanda
at this point in time...
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Erm...
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LAUGHTER
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APPLAUSE
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Yes, but the Government have
now passed a law
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that says that made sense.
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What demonstrated
the Government's desperation
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to make sure that the vote
definitely went their way?
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Oh. They hauled back from
the COP conference
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someone to vote in this
and then he flew back.
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Climate Minister Graham Stuart. Yes.
So he flew back into the country
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to vote for something that stops
people getting into the country
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and then flew back out
to vote for something
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that advises everyone
to cut down their flying.
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That's right. Yeah.
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APPLAUSE
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According to the Daily Telegraph...
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So there were hopes that
he might swing it for Rishi.
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LAUGHTER
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APPLAUSE
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When you think about exposure,
the name Peter Bone is rather...
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..unfortunate, isn't it, really?
Yeah.
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David Davis also appeared.
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Here's how he was greeted
by the BBC's Chris Mason.
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Blimey, the Government must
have a bit of the collie wobbles
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if they've asked you
to come out and bat for them.
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After the Rwanda vote, David Davis
revealed that on his way home,
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he intervened to stop
an attack on a homeless man
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near the Houses of Parliament -
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presumably shouting,
"Leave him alone, Suella!"
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LAUGHTER
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APPLAUSE
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What did Keir Starmer say
that Labour's plan was?
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Not that.
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He said it was to smash the gangs
and he said it a lot.
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The first is smashing the gangs,
the criminal gangs.
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And a cross-border police force
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that can smash the smuggler glangs
at source.
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There are criminal gangs
that are driving this
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and we have to smash them.
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Unless and until we're more
serious about smashing the gangs...
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Time...
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..um...
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..to smash these gangs.
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I mean, he sounds smashed.
LAUGHTER
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So, at the beginning
of the week, then,
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Rishi Sunak was giving evidence
at the Covid Inquiry.
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Yeah, he had a great week,
didn't he? He did, didn't he?
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What was the Prime Minister's
main recollection
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of that pandemic period?
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He couldn't remember why we can't
look at his WhatsApp messages.
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He said when he got a new phone
that he lost all those messages.
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I guess he didn't back them up.
But it's like, as if!
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I mean, Rishi Sunak is a dork -
and that's coming from me.
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This guy backs up
his toothbrush, you know?
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There's no...
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ARMANDO: He's looking forward
to this lucrative career
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in Silicon Valley that will
inevitably happen very, very soon,
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and then, as he explained how
he couldn't work his WhatsApp,
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you could just behind his eyes
going, "Oh, for..."
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He didn't seem to have much
of a memory of what happened at all.
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Let's just take a little look.
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I don't have any strong
recollections of the meeting.
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It's not something
that I recall at the time.
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Again, I don't recall them doing so.
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So, I don't recall there being
a direct relationship.
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So, I don't recall it being
a particular feature
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of the advice.
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You know, I don't recall
any specific conversations.
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And I don't have any
strong recollection
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of these sets of conversations.
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I had no recollection
of him raising that.
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I don't... I don't recall receiving
any formal submission.
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But I don't recall them
ever making a formal submission.
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That's just not what occurred,
is it?
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Well, my... my recollection
is different...
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There are people with dementia
who've got more memory than that.
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How did Rishi Sunak describe
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his working relationship
with Boris Johnson?
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Did he say it was very close
with homoerotic overtones?
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He said...
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Well, yes, so there you go.
They are we are.
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So he did very well
not to catch Covid,
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or indeed get pregnant.
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True.
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But they were two metres distant.
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Well, we don't know... Anyway.
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We don't know
how ambitious they were.
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So, all the problems
that Rishi Sunak is now facing
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are part of what
the Mail on Sunday called...
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What are they hoping that December
will turn out to be for Rishi?
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Is this an advent calendar of shit?
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It is!
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And we've got more of that
coming up in Round Two.
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APPLAUSE
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Thankfully not available
in the shops.
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So, this is the Rwanda vote
in the Commons this week.
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The bill will now undergo
further scrutiny from lawyers
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and members of
the so-called Star Chamber,
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and if there's still
no clear conclusion,
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the decision will rest with
the highest court in the land -
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Gary Lineker's Twitter feed.
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According to the Daily Mail,
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Rishi Sunak's attempts to woo
potential rebels began with...
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"Sources" close to the Prime Ministe
included HP and ketchup.
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IAN GUFFAWS
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That's really good.
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The breakfast meeting paid off,
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though there was an awkward moment
when a Downing Street aide
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passed the plate to Rishi
saying, "Your toast."
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Paul and Armando,
take a look at this.
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Well attended. This is
the COP conference, isn't it?
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Yeah. "I saved crude oil."
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I don't know much about this because
I've been all week in pantomime
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where the baddies get flushed down
the loo at the end of the show
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and the goodies succeed, unlike
the real world, unfortunately.
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So, yeah, off you go.
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Well, that kind of sort of
is what happened... Is it?
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..in that they tried
to save the world.
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They've come up with an agreement
but it's been watered down. Yes.
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Rather like the planet will be
if we don't get this sorted.
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But that's fundamentally it, yeah.
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It's sort of pantomime, isn't it?
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We're going to phase out
fossil fuels. Oh, no, we're not!
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Yes, they've changed
the language on fossil fuels
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so they're going to transition
from fossil fuels.
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PHIL: It's almost as if
it was held in Dubai.
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I mean, that's like having
an AA meeting in Wetherspoon's.
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- Know what I mean?
- Yeah.
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APPLAUSE
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They said they were going
to phase them out
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and then they changed the language
cos no-one could agree
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and then they were going
to phase down.
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That was Glasgow, was phase down.
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Phase down. And Dubai is transition.
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PHIL: Transition away.
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I think that's what
RuPaul says at the end of...
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ARMANDO: It means coal can now
self-identify as wind power.
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And that's absolutely fine.
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Of course, in America,
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fossil fuel is what
they call Joe Biden's breakfast.
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Why are the Saudis not happy?
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Why aren't the Saudis happy?
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Did no-one die?
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Just saying.
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Not much fun of an event, is it?
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The Saudis are not happy
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00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:09,640
because they, along with
other OPEC countries, lobbied
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to have the words "fossil fuels"
removed from the agreement
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00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:15,080
but according
to the Telegraph, it was...
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According to ITV News,
the debate amongst COP delegates
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was so intense...
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Burning the midnight oil,
which of course...
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Yep, again.
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COP28 has seen a lot of
in-fighting between countries,
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but this is what happens
when you ask AI to show you
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some world leaders just getting
together and having a bit of fun.
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It's Friday.
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Start drinking!
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UPBEAT EURODANCE MUSIC
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# Be my lover, wanna
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# Go ahead and take your time, boy
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# You gotta feel secure
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# Be my lover, wanna be my lover
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# Wanna be my lover... #
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LAUGHTER
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APPLAUSE
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You're applauding that?
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I think some of that was fake.
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LAUGHTER
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Too well choreographed to be faked.
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00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,840
What was the point of that?
Just to have a laugh.
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00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:15,800
Oh, right, right.
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00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:18,840
In other news, Vladimir Putin
is running for president again.
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He's running for re-election.
That's right.
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In a tightly run race.
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And his slogan is,
"I probably won't kill you."
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PHIL: I wonder what election night
coverage is like in Russia.
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Pretty quick.
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There's an exit poll in which the
opposition leave through a window.
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LAUGHTER
249
00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:41,840
Thank you very much.
I'm in Richmond all week.
250
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:44,800
On jury duty.
251
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:47,360
I'm not allowed to do jury duty.
252
00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:50,320
Is it because you're often
confused with the defendant?
253
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:53,920
Why has he chosen
this week to announce
254
00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:55,760
that he's running for another term?
255
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:59,640
This is when he does his end of year
press conference, I think, isn't it?
256
00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:01,800
And he hasn't done one
for a few years.
257
00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:03,600
He did four hours
of answering questions.
258
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:05,640
You can ask anything you like...
259
00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:08,120
..if you don't want to live.
Yeah.
260
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:11,080
According to Newsweek, some
of the things he got thrown were...
261
00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:16,160
And...
262
00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:19,680
To which Putin replied, "What war?"
263
00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:22,640
He also got asked...
264
00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:31,600
Putin told the fellow
to pop on his location services
265
00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:37,040
and someone would be along
to help him out almost immediately.
266
00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:39,000
This is the COP28 climate summit.
267
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,440
Scientists have warned
that solar storms
268
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:47,680
could have a serious effect
on our transport systems...
269
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:51,040
This will cause havoc
for trains and cars,
270
00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:55,840
although cyclists
will just carry on regardless.
271
00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:58,800
According to scientists,
in the near future...
272
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,800
So, it's red sky at night,
shepherd's delight,
273
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:07,240
and red sky in the morning,
replacement bus warning.
274
00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:11,480
It's time now for Round Two
and the Advent Calendar of News.
275
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:14,440
AUDIENCE: Oooh!
276
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:22,440
LAUGHTER
277
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:28,760
You hit the most perfect note
of sarcasm.
278
00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:30,920
I want you to pick a door to open
279
00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:33,320
and then tell me
what story is behind the door.
280
00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:35,720
Ian, would you like
to pick a door to open?
281
00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:37,640
Are they doors?
They're meant to be windows.
282
00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:39,200
They're actually little drawers.
283
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:40,760
OK, grumpy Scrooge over.
284
00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:42,840
Hey, advent!
285
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,960
I'd like number ten, please, Kirsty!
286
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:47,920
Here we go, number ten.
287
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:50,440
LAUGHTER
288
00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:51,560
Oh, no!
289
00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:54,520
Why didn't we just have that, then?
Why...?
290
00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:58,080
It's health and safety, isn't it?
291
00:14:58,080 --> 00:14:59,760
There's a world meat pie
eating championship
292
00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:03,360
and they think it's a bit risky for
people to be eating that many pies.
293
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,760
Cos people might choke.
They might choke on the fillings.
294
00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:08,640
They might choke on the pastry.
They might take their eye out
295
00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:10,080
with a piece of sharpened mushroom.
296
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:12,480
So, I mean, anything could happen,
anything could go wrong.
297
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:15,360
Spot-on. Yeah. The World Pie Eating
Championships are held in a pub
298
00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:16,960
in Wigan every year.
299
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:18,160
LAUGHTER
300
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:19,200
Yeah!
301
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:21,240
According to Pie Eating organiser
Tony Callaghan,
302
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:24,920
his own health and safety officer
tried to ban speed eating
303
00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:26,560
on the pub premises.
304
00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:29,520
Callaghan reacted by saying
that his colleague...
305
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:33,480
..adding...
306
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:39,840
Which is why, presumably, she's also
favourite to win the competition.
307
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:42,200
What are the new rules, then?
308
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:44,920
You can only eat it
but with a straw. Yeah.
309
00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:46,880
Competitors in the speed eating
competition
310
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:49,840
have been told that they need to...
311
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:58,040
How has Tony tried to get around
the 30-chew regulation?
312
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:01,000
KIRSTY GIGGLES
313
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:03,280
In the usual way.
314
00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:07,400
I can't even be bothered to answer!
315
00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:12,920
I really don't... If this is what's
happened in the advent calendar,
316
00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:14,120
this is the first question,
317
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:16,040
God knows what lies
behind the other 23!
318
00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:19,000
If we've started off with this!
319
00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:26,720
You can tell the BBC isn't getting
the licence fee it was expecting.
320
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:29,680
He's introducing a new rule
where competitors...
321
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:35,000
..after which...
322
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:40,160
It's obvious once you say it.
323
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:42,080
What have been some of
the past controversies
324
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:44,080
in the World Pie Eating
Championships?
325
00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:46,480
That it occurs!
326
00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:52,640
In 2007, the tournament was
nearly called off after...
327
00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:02,000
Clearly, the pigeon and the dog
were working in cahoots.
328
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:05,079
What have Tesco accidentally...
329
00:17:05,079 --> 00:17:07,680
Oh, my God! ..put in their
Christmas...? Moths!
330
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:10,000
Moths! They've put it in their
Christmas stuffing. Yeah.
331
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:11,760
They've got moths in
their Christmas stuffing.
332
00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:14,160
Exactly! You stuff it up
the turkey,
333
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:17,000
then it flies out the window!
334
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:19,640
They've got moths. They've got moths
in their stuffing. That's right.
335
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:22,280
They've recalled a batch of their
Apple and Cranberry Finest Stuffing
336
00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:25,240
on safety grounds as it...
337
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:26,920
Yeah.
338
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,320
A spokesperson apologised, saying
that, "This is the last thing
339
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:31,760
"our customers want during
the holy season."
340
00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:34,640
APPLAUSE
341
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,600
Yeah.
342
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,960
Armando, would you like to
pick a door to open? Yeah.
343
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,480
I'll go for 15. Oh, yeah.
Good choice.
344
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:47,440
BELLS JINGLE
345
00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:49,760
This is about swearing on
television. There's too much...
346
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:52,280
Well, there's been an increase
in swearing,
347
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,120
according to some twat...
348
00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:56,120
LAUGHTER
349
00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:58,520
APPLAUSE
350
00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:00,920
Exactly right. Most of it
was on the Covid Inquiry.
351
00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:02,800
Yeah, that was great fun, wasn't it?
352
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:06,080
A survey of 60,000 TV shows
and films from the last 40 years
353
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:09,240
shown on British television has
showed that the annual number
354
00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:12,200
of swear words has...
355
00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:17,000
But have you noticed how the
audience's interest has gone down
356
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:19,880
now we've gone away from the World
Pie Eating Championships? Yeah.
357
00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:23,360
Ofcom has a list of swear words
ranked by order of offence.
358
00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:26,240
Did anyone hear how BBC Radio 4
chose how to discus that
359
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:29,880
on air recently?
Let's have a little listen.
360
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:31,800
Let's see how far
we can get through.
361
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:34,200
Bloody.
362
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:35,880
Bu...
CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES
363
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:37,440
Cow.
364
00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:38,800
Crap.
365
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:40,280
Damn.
366
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:43,000
Di...
CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES
367
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,760
CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES
368
00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:46,520
CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES
369
00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:48,440
CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES
370
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:51,560
We'll take a look at a graph
so you can see how potty-mouthed
371
00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:53,760
television has become. Yeah.
372
00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:55,760
What happened in 2005?
373
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,800
LAUGHTER
374
00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:00,040
I expect it was Armando's series
375
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:02,800
of The Thick Of It. It was. It was.
376
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:04,360
Yeah.
377
00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:06,560
I'm so sorry.
378
00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:09,480
There was a lot of to-and-fro-ing
with the editorial people
379
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:12,720
at the BBC, who actually
negotiated a "fuck"...
380
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:14,680
CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES
..per ratio by...
381
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:16,560
LAUGHTER
382
00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:20,520
If I brought... If I brought
the ratio down,
383
00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:24,600
the average down from, like,
40 "fucks" every five minutes
384
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:31,560
to 20, I could have two more...
CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES
385
00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:33,480
I mean, that negotiation
is exactly the same
386
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:35,480
on the reshuffle of the Cabinet.
387
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:38,440
HE MOUTHS
388
00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:42,280
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
389
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:44,680
And finally, would you like to see
University Challenge's announcer,
390
00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:48,080
Roger Tilling, do his best
impression of a chicken?
391
00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:51,400
Yes. We'll say yes. Yes! Say yes.
Sorry, yes, we would. Here we go.
392
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:57,360
Birkbeck, McMillan!
Birkbeck, McMillan! Birkbeck,
393
00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:02,240
McMillan! Birkbeck, McMillan!
394
00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:04,120
CLUCKING
395
00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:08,800
This is the news that
there's an epidemic of swearing
396
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:13,160
on television.
There has been such a backlash
397
00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:17,040
to the level of inappropriate
language on TV
398
00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:23,320
that the BBC have now decided
to cancel Countryfile.
399
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:25,880
It's time now for
the Odd One Out round.
400
00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:27,720
Just one between you this week.
401
00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:29,560
King Charles I. Yes.
402
00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:34,320
Tory MP Ben Everitt, Ian Wright
and Boris Johnson.
403
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:37,200
Well, this is the one and only time
that my A-level history
404
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:39,800
is coming into play. Charles I,
I know, upon his execution,
405
00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:42,880
wore some thick undergarments
so that, if he shivered
406
00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:45,240
or looked cold, he didn't
want the crowd to think
407
00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:48,880
that he was scared or worried. Is
that in the right area? Very much.
408
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:52,280
Yes. OK. And Ian Wright was recently
appearing on a TV show
409
00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:55,440
wearing one of those new coats,
it's like an eiderdown. Mm-hm.
410
00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:59,280
Very cold. Any further ideas? I
think he was just sleeping rough.
411
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:02,800
Yes. That MP, he posed topless.
ARMANDO: Topless, yes.
412
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:04,840
So he must have been quite cold.
413
00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:07,960
So the MP must be the odd one out
cos the other three
414
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:10,280
have taken precautions to stop
themselves getting cold. Exactly.
415
00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:13,240
Boris has never taken
any precautions!
416
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:17,480
You've absolutely got it spot-on.
417
00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:20,120
They've all put on extra clothing
to keep warm apart from
418
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,760
Tory MP Ben Everitt, who has been
taking his clothes off.
419
00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:27,560
And here is a picture
of Ben Everitt.
420
00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:30,200
PHIL: Is it AI generated?
421
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:33,080
Why did he do that? Some
people say it's because
422
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:36,800
he's doing what's described
as a "thirst trap".
423
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:39,200
What's that? Obviously, Ian,
you know what that is.
424
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:41,840
Do you want to explain
to the rest of us?
425
00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:43,960
I know what a thirst trap is.
426
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,920
Phil.
427
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:49,120
It's just a sexy pic, basically.
Oh, sexy pic.
428
00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:52,080
You know of sexy pics.
Yeah, sexy pics. Yeah.
429
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:58,320
I send 'em all a tie!
430
00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:01,200
That's why you're not
allowed on juries.
431
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:04,920
Damn! You commented, Paul, that Ian
Wright needed that extra layer.
432
00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:08,040
You were right. He was commentating
on a recent FA Cup final game.
433
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:10,920
He made sure that he didn't
get cold by wearing this coat.
434
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:14,840
LAUGHTER
435
00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:17,000
It contains warm air.
Or maybe he's just been
436
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,960
taking part in the World Meat Pie
Eating Championships.
437
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:22,680
And when did King Charles I
need to layer up?
438
00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:27,760
Upon his execution. Exactly. Which
was 16...40... Oh, let me see.
439
00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:31,720
1649? You can say anything you like
because I don't have the date here.
440
00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:35,560
Have we got any topless pictures
of Charles? Sadly not.
441
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:38,400
His head came off, so...
442
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:41,040
And he got a letter right
towards the end. He said,
443
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:43,440
"Just put it in the basket,
I'll read it later."
444
00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:46,920
What has Boris Johnson worn recently
that caused a stir?
445
00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:49,480
Oh, the hat. Going into the
Covid Inquiry. Let's see.
446
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,560
What do these initials stand for,
do we think?
447
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:54,960
It's Grimsby Town Football Club.
It is. That's right.
448
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:57,800
He got given it as a gift
by a Grimsby MP
449
00:22:57,800 --> 00:22:59,480
and had previously told
the Grimsby Telegraph
450
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:02,440
that when it comes to headwear...
451
00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:05,520
And to rub salt into the wound,
452
00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:10,360
it was the husband's favourite hat.
453
00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:13,480
They've objected. Yeah. I bet they
have. Because they don't want to be
454
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:17,800
associated with someone
so utterly disgraceful.
455
00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:21,520
Some people thought it was
a good advert for the town,
456
00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:23,200
but local John Dale started
a petition calling for Johnson
457
00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:25,520
to stop wearing the hat in public,
458
00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:28,480
adding that the former MP was...
459
00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:35,000
Exactly.
460
00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:40,680
It is time now for
the Missing Words round.
461
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:44,000
And we start with...
the Missing Words round.
462
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,200
PHIL: Over 100ml of urine.
the Missing Words round.
463
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,920
I did read this. It was ants.
the Missing Words round.
464
00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:51,440
Not budgies?
465
00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:54,200
Could be budgie-smuggling budgies!
466
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:56,160
They all started flying
at the same time
467
00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:59,120
and he took off over Terminal 4.
468
00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:01,400
The answer is...
469
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:03,560
Oh!
470
00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:05,120
Ohh.
471
00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:07,600
And he was caught?!
472
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:12,280
You cannot smuggle two otters
and a prairie dog in your pants!
473
00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:16,640
And, believe me, I've tried!
474
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:19,600
You can get through at Luton cos
they're not so hot on security.
475
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:27,200
PHIL: Ten of them a-leaping.
476
00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:29,440
Is it Peter Mandelson?
477
00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:30,960
ARMANDO: Venison. Venison.
478
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:33,560
Swan.
479
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:36,520
Human flesh.
480
00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:41,840
It says "crackless".
481
00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:43,720
Crackless crackers.
PHIL: Yes, crackerless crackers
482
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:45,840
would just be no crackers. Yeah.
483
00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:50,560
Although, to be fair, a House
of Lords Christmas party
484
00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:53,880
has a lot of crackers in it.
485
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:55,360
Crackers in the House of Lords
486
00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:57,120
now won't make any noise
following complaints
487
00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:59,760
from several members that,
last year, the bangs were so loud
488
00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:02,720
they almost woke up.
489
00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:10,360
PHIL: Sunshine.
490
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:16,680
Cockroaches.
491
00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:21,360
ARMANDO: Oh.
492
00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:24,720
Yes, this is the news that a warning
alert for a great white shark
493
00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:26,920
was sent to a small town
near Inverness
494
00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:34,760
instead of its namesake
in New Zealand.
495
00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:37,640
News of the shark sent the entire
town of Fortrose in Scotland
496
00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:40,920
into a panic as the locals
desperately tried to gather together
497
00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:47,000
enough flour, eggs and milk
to batter it.
498
00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:51,000
I'm glad it's you doing that.
I know.
499
00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:53,000
And finally...
500
00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:58,040
The Hull accent. Yes.
501
00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:00,680
This is the news that the actor
and heartthrob Timothee Chalamet
502
00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:05,760
has claimed the sexiest accent
in Britain originates in Hull.
503
00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:08,120
He's got a point.
I mean, remember the '90s -
504
00:26:08,120 --> 00:26:10,200
whenever John Prescott
opened his mouth...
505
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:13,160
LAUGHTER
506
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:20,040
You said that with feeling.
You meant that, didn't you?
507
00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:25,880
Everyone's got
their hidden corners. Yeah.
508
00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:27,320
So the final scores are -
509
00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:29,240
Ian and Phil...
510
00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:31,240
Oh, yes! Oh, no!
511
00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:32,560
Oh, no.
512
00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:35,160
..Paul and Armando have 10.
513
00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:36,440
Yes!
514
00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:39,000
APPLAUSE
515
00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:41,640
But before we go, there's just time
for the Caption Competition.
516
00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:44,600
Ian and Phil have this.
517
00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:47,600
Labour celebrate inaugural
Bring Your Mum To Work Day.
518
00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:51,320
Well, there's two captions for this,
isn't there?
519
00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:54,520
Keir Starmer lookalike competition
attracts unusual entrant.
520
00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:58,040
Or Elton John lookalike contest...
521
00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:00,120
One or the other.
522
00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:01,600
One or the other.
523
00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:04,240
Paul and Armando get that.
524
00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:07,120
Oh, I know this one.
The nun on the left is saying,
525
00:27:07,120 --> 00:27:10,080
"Until I sat down, I thought
Bishop's Finger was a drink."
526
00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:15,160
That's one for the kids
at the panto.
527
00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:20,680
It's obvious. You can see
the look on her face. Look.
528
00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:23,640
That's been the highlight
of my career, that bit.
529
00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:27,560
On which note, we say thank you
to our panellists,
530
00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:29,000
Ian Hislop and Phil Wang,
531
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:31,720
Paul Merton and Armando Iannucci.
532
00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:34,160
And I leave you with news that,
despite protests
533
00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:35,640
from animal rights groups,
534
00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:38,360
the Great Marvo
and his performing zebra
535
00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:44,760
insist there is no cruelty
in his act.
536
00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:53,200
In Stoke, MP Jonathan Gullis
regrets giving the Government
537
00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:55,800
a hard time over the Rwanda bill
538
00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:59,920
as Rishi Sunak sends the Gullis
family some Christmas presents.
539
00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:07,400
SHOUTING ECHOES
540
00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:12,280
And in Windsor, royal insiders
realise that Queen Camilla
541
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:16,200
may be losing focus a little
542
00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:18,840
as she asks the most pointless
"and what do you do?"
543
00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:19,880
ever.
544
00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:22,840
Goodnight.
545
00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:30,760
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE