This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Kirsty Young.
In the news this week,
in South London, after a woman's husband comes home from work early,
Boris Johnson's grateful for the military supplies
that he snaffled on his last visit to Ukraine.
LAUGHTER
Childhood footage emerges of Matt Hancock
playing with his older brother,
which helps to explain a lot.
LAUGHTER
And in Buckinghamshire,
Keir Starmer lays out exactly how he wants his Christmas cheeseboard
to be arranged and distributed.
Wedge, wedge, wedge.
Divide, divide, divide.
LAUGHTER
On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who can play the ukulele -
but don't worry, we've had it written into his contract
that he won't. Please welcome Phil Wang.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
On Paul's team tonight is an acclaimed writer and producer
who was described recently by the Daily Telegraph
as the hard man of political satire,
although a lot of people think that's Ian,
so they'll be sorting it out in the car park a little later.
Please welcome Armando Iannucci.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And so we begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
Ian and Phil, just take a look at this.
That's carol singers at Number Ten.
Practising for his next job.
Yeah.
And that's someone being deported back from Rwanda.
This is the Rwanda vote.
The Tory Party continues to play chicken with itself
over a policy it knows won't happen
and even if it did happen, wouldn't work.
The UK could only send 200 people a year to Rwanda.
That's not even the number of home secretaries we've had in a year.
Yeah, it's the end of a great week for Rishi Sunak
as he emerges from the Rwanda debate
with his MPs under complete control and his integrity entirely intact.
The Rwanda bill was passed with no Conservative MPs
actually voting against. A lot of them abstained. Abstained.
What happens...? It's a classic Tory revolt.
It's like one of those indoor fireworks you buy.
The packet says this is going to be great, it's going to blow up,
and then it goes pffff...
And so, do we know what happens next? Yes.
Nothing.
They were saying, "Could you tighten it up?"
and he said it can't be tightened any further.
But he did say it was already 95% watertight.
So was the Titanic.
So, you know... So there's trouble ahead.
It's going to get its third reading in January.
It is all actually quite complicated.
Let's hear from the man in charge, who is James Cleverly, of course.
If the bill is still... If the...
Sorry, if the treaty that we signed with Rwanda...
In the same way that if there are treaties signed
with other countries, if the treaty on which the bill...
So the bill supports the treaty,
the treaty addresses the reasons that the Supreme Court
said that they felt Rwanda at this point in time...
Erm...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Yes, but the Government have now passed a law
that says that made sense.
What demonstrated the Government's desperation
to make sure that the vote definitely went their way?
Oh. They hauled back from the COP conference
someone to vote in this and then he flew back.
Climate Minister Graham Stuart. Yes. So he flew back into the country
to vote for something that stops people getting into the country
and then flew back out to vote for something
that advises everyone to cut down their flying.
That's right. Yeah.
APPLAUSE
According to the Daily Telegraph...
So there were hopes that he might swing it for Rishi.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
When you think about exposure, the name Peter Bone is rather...
..unfortunate, isn't it, really? Yeah.
David Davis also appeared.
Here's how he was greeted by the BBC's Chris Mason.
Blimey, the Government must have a bit of the collie wobbles
if they've asked you to come out and bat for them.
After the Rwanda vote, David Davis revealed that on his way home,
he intervened to stop an attack on a homeless man
near the Houses of Parliament -
presumably shouting, "Leave him alone, Suella!"
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
What did Keir Starmer say that Labour's plan was?
Not that.
He said it was to smash the gangs and he said it a lot.
The first is smashing the gangs, the criminal gangs.
And a cross-border police force
that can smash the smuggler glangs at source.
There are criminal gangs that are driving this
and we have to smash them.
Unless and until we're more serious about smashing the gangs...
Time...
..um...
..to smash these gangs.
I mean, he sounds smashed. LAUGHTER
So, at the beginning of the week, then,
Rishi Sunak was giving evidence at the Covid Inquiry.
Yeah, he had a great week, didn't he? He did, didn't he?
What was the Prime Minister's main recollection
of that pandemic period?
He couldn't remember why we can't look at his WhatsApp messages.
He said when he got a new phone that he lost all those messages.
I guess he didn't back them up. But it's like, as if!
I mean, Rishi Sunak is a dork - and that's coming from me.
This guy backs up his toothbrush, you know?
There's no...
ARMANDO: He's looking forward to this lucrative career
in Silicon Valley that will inevitably happen very, very soon,
and then, as he explained how he couldn't work his WhatsApp,
you could just behind his eyes going, "Oh, for..."
He didn't seem to have much of a memory of what happened at all.
Let's just take a little look.
I don't have any strong recollections of the meeting.
It's not something that I recall at the time.
Again, I don't recall them doing so.
So, I don't recall there being a direct relationship.
So, I don't recall it being a particular feature
of the advice.
You know, I don't recall any specific conversations.
And I don't have any strong recollection
of these sets of conversations.
I had no recollection of him raising that.
I don't... I don't recall receiving any formal submission.
But I don't recall them ever making a formal submission.
That's just not what occurred, is it?
Well, my... my recollection is different...
There are people with dementia who've got more memory than that.
How did Rishi Sunak describe
his working relationship with Boris Johnson?
Did he say it was very close with homoerotic overtones?
He said...
Well, yes, so there you go. They are we are.
So he did very well not to catch Covid,
or indeed get pregnant.
True.
But they were two metres distant.
Well, we don't know... Anyway.
We don't know how ambitious they were.
So, all the problems that Rishi Sunak is now facing
are part of what the Mail on Sunday called...
What are they hoping that December will turn out to be for Rishi?
Is this an advent calendar of shit?
It is!
And we've got more of that coming up in Round Two.
APPLAUSE
Thankfully not available in the shops.
So, this is the Rwanda vote in the Commons this week.
The bill will now undergo further scrutiny from lawyers
and members of the so-called Star Chamber,
and if there's still no clear conclusion,
the decision will rest with the highest court in the land -
Gary Lineker's Twitter feed.
According to the Daily Mail,
Rishi Sunak's attempts to woo potential rebels began with...
"Sources" close to the Prime Ministe included HP and ketchup.
IAN GUFFAWS
That's really good.
The breakfast meeting paid off,
though there was an awkward moment when a Downing Street aide
passed the plate to Rishi saying, "Your toast."
Paul and Armando, take a look at this.
Well attended. This is the COP conference, isn't it?
Yeah. "I saved crude oil."
I don't know much about this because I've been all week in pantomime
where the baddies get flushed down the loo at the end of the show
and the goodies succeed, unlike the real world, unfortunately.
So, yeah, off you go.
Well, that kind of sort of is what happened... Is it?
..in that they tried to save the world.
They've come up with an agreement but it's been watered down. Yes.
Rather like the planet will be if we don't get this sorted.
But that's fundamentally it, yeah.
It's sort of pantomime, isn't it?
We're going to phase out fossil fuels. Oh, no, we're not!
Yes, they've changed the language on fossil fuels
so they're going to transition from fossil fuels.
PHIL: It's almost as if it was held in Dubai.
I mean, that's like having an AA meeting in Wetherspoon's.
- Know what I mean? - Yeah.
APPLAUSE
They said they were going to phase them out
and then they changed the language cos no-one could agree
and then they were going to phase down.
That was Glasgow, was phase down.
Phase down. And Dubai is transition.
PHIL: Transition away.
I think that's what RuPaul says at the end of...
ARMANDO: It means coal can now self-identify as wind power.
And that's absolutely fine.
Of course, in America,
fossil fuel is what they call Joe Biden's breakfast.
Why are the Saudis not happy?
Why aren't the Saudis happy?
Did no-one die?
Just saying.
Not much fun of an event, is it?
The Saudis are not happy
because they, along with other OPEC countries, lobbied
to have the words "fossil fuels" removed from the agreement
but according to the Telegraph, it was...
According to ITV News, the debate amongst COP delegates
was so intense...
Burning the midnight oil, which of course...
Yep, again.
COP28 has seen a lot of in-fighting between countries,
but this is what happens when you ask AI to show you
some world leaders just getting together and having a bit of fun.
It's Friday.
Start drinking!
UPBEAT EURODANCE MUSIC
# Be my lover, wanna
# Go ahead and take your time, boy
# You gotta feel secure
# Be my lover, wanna be my lover
# Wanna be my lover... #
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
You're applauding that?
I think some of that was fake.
LAUGHTER
Too well choreographed to be faked.
What was the point of that? Just to have a laugh.
Oh, right, right.
In other news, Vladimir Putin is running for president again.
He's running for re-election. That's right.
In a tightly run race.
And his slogan is, "I probably won't kill you."
PHIL: I wonder what election night coverage is like in Russia.
Pretty quick.
There's an exit poll in which the opposition leave through a window.
LAUGHTER
Thank you very much. I'm in Richmond all week.
On jury duty.
I'm not allowed to do jury duty.
Is it because you're often confused with the defendant?
Why has he chosen this week to announce
that he's running for another term?
This is when he does his end of year press conference, I think, isn't it?
And he hasn't done one for a few years.
He did four hours of answering questions.
You can ask anything you like...
..if you don't want to live. Yeah.
According to Newsweek, some of the things he got thrown were...
And...
To which Putin replied, "What war?"
He also got asked...
Putin told the fellow to pop on his location services
and someone would be along to help him out almost immediately.
This is the COP28 climate summit.
Scientists have warned that solar storms
could have a serious effect on our transport systems...
This will cause havoc for trains and cars,
although cyclists will just carry on regardless.
According to scientists, in the near future...
So, it's red sky at night, shepherd's delight,
and red sky in the morning, replacement bus warning.
It's time now for Round Two and the Advent Calendar of News.
AUDIENCE: Oooh!
LAUGHTER
You hit the most perfect note of sarcasm.
I want you to pick a door to open
and then tell me what story is behind the door.
Ian, would you like to pick a door to open?
Are they doors? They're meant to be windows.
They're actually little drawers.
OK, grumpy Scrooge over.
Hey, advent!
I'd like number ten, please, Kirsty!
Here we go, number ten.
LAUGHTER
Oh, no!
Why didn't we just have that, then? Why...?
It's health and safety, isn't it?
There's a world meat pie eating championship
and they think it's a bit risky for people to be eating that many pies.
Cos people might choke. They might choke on the fillings.
They might choke on the pastry. They might take their eye out
with a piece of sharpened mushroom.
So, I mean, anything could happen, anything could go wrong.
Spot-on. Yeah. The World Pie Eating Championships are held in a pub
in Wigan every year.
LAUGHTER
Yeah!
According to Pie Eating organiser Tony Callaghan,
his own health and safety officer tried to ban speed eating
on the pub premises.
Callaghan reacted by saying that his colleague...
..adding...
Which is why, presumably, she's also favourite to win the competition.
What are the new rules, then?
You can only eat it but with a straw. Yeah.
Competitors in the speed eating competition
have been told that they need to...
How has Tony tried to get around the 30-chew regulation?
KIRSTY GIGGLES
In the usual way.
I can't even be bothered to answer!
I really don't... If this is what's happened in the advent calendar,
this is the first question,
God knows what lies behind the other 23!
If we've started off with this!
You can tell the BBC isn't getting the licence fee it was expecting.
He's introducing a new rule where competitors...
..after which...
It's obvious once you say it.
What have been some of the past controversies
in the World Pie Eating Championships?
That it occurs!
In 2007, the tournament was nearly called off after...
Clearly, the pigeon and the dog were working in cahoots.
What have Tesco accidentally...
Oh, my God! ..put in their Christmas...? Moths!
Moths! They've put it in their Christmas stuffing. Yeah.
They've got moths in their Christmas stuffing.
Exactly! You stuff it up the turkey,
then it flies out the window!
They've got moths. They've got moths in their stuffing. That's right.
They've recalled a batch of their Apple and Cranberry Finest Stuffing
on safety grounds as it...
Yeah.
A spokesperson apologised, saying that, "This is the last thing
"our customers want during the holy season."
APPLAUSE
Yeah.
Armando, would you like to pick a door to open? Yeah.
I'll go for 15. Oh, yeah. Good choice.
BELLS JINGLE
This is about swearing on television. There's too much...
Well, there's been an increase in swearing,
according to some twat...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Exactly right. Most of it was on the Covid Inquiry.
Yeah, that was great fun, wasn't it?
A survey of 60,000 TV shows and films from the last 40 years
shown on British television has showed that the annual number
of swear words has...
But have you noticed how the audience's interest has gone down
now we've gone away from the World Pie Eating Championships? Yeah.
Ofcom has a list of swear words ranked by order of offence.
Did anyone hear how BBC Radio 4 chose how to discus that
on air recently? Let's have a little listen.
Let's see how far we can get through.
Bloody.
Bu... CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES
Cow.
Crap.
Damn.
Di... CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES
We'll take a look at a graph so you can see how potty-mouthed
television has become. Yeah.
What happened in 2005?
LAUGHTER
I expect it was Armando's series
of The Thick Of It. It was. It was.
Yeah.
I'm so sorry.
There was a lot of to-and-fro-ing with the editorial people
at the BBC, who actually negotiated a "fuck"...
CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES ..per ratio by...
LAUGHTER
If I brought... If I brought the ratio down,
the average down from, like, 40 "fucks" every five minutes
to 20, I could have two more... CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES
I mean, that negotiation is exactly the same
on the reshuffle of the Cabinet.
HE MOUTHS
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
And finally, would you like to see University Challenge's announcer,
Roger Tilling, do his best impression of a chicken?
Yes. We'll say yes. Yes! Say yes. Sorry, yes, we would. Here we go.
Birkbeck, McMillan! Birkbeck, McMillan! Birkbeck,
McMillan! Birkbeck, McMillan!
CLUCKING
This is the news that there's an epidemic of swearing
on television. There has been such a backlash
to the level of inappropriate language on TV
that the BBC have now decided to cancel Countryfile.
It's time now for the Odd One Out round.
Just one between you this week.
King Charles I. Yes.
Tory MP Ben Everitt, Ian Wright and Boris Johnson.
Well, this is the one and only time that my A-level history
is coming into play. Charles I, I know, upon his execution,
wore some thick undergarments so that, if he shivered
or looked cold, he didn't want the crowd to think
that he was scared or worried. Is that in the right area? Very much.
Yes. OK. And Ian Wright was recently appearing on a TV show
wearing one of those new coats, it's like an eiderdown. Mm-hm.
Very cold. Any further ideas? I think he was just sleeping rough.
Yes. That MP, he posed topless. ARMANDO: Topless, yes.
So he must have been quite cold.
So the MP must be the odd one out cos the other three
have taken precautions to stop themselves getting cold. Exactly.
Boris has never taken any precautions!
You've absolutely got it spot-on.
They've all put on extra clothing to keep warm apart from
Tory MP Ben Everitt, who has been taking his clothes off.
And here is a picture of Ben Everitt.
PHIL: Is it AI generated?
Why did he do that? Some people say it's because
he's doing what's described as a "thirst trap".
What's that? Obviously, Ian, you know what that is.
Do you want to explain to the rest of us?
I know what a thirst trap is.
Phil.
It's just a sexy pic, basically. Oh, sexy pic.
You know of sexy pics. Yeah, sexy pics. Yeah.
I send 'em all a tie!
That's why you're not allowed on juries.
Damn! You commented, Paul, that Ian Wright needed that extra layer.
You were right. He was commentating on a recent FA Cup final game.
He made sure that he didn't get cold by wearing this coat.
LAUGHTER
It contains warm air. Or maybe he's just been
taking part in the World Meat Pie Eating Championships.
And when did King Charles I need to layer up?
Upon his execution. Exactly. Which was 16...40... Oh, let me see.
1649? You can say anything you like because I don't have the date here.
Have we got any topless pictures of Charles? Sadly not.
His head came off, so...
And he got a letter right towards the end. He said,
"Just put it in the basket, I'll read it later."
What has Boris Johnson worn recently that caused a stir?
Oh, the hat. Going into the Covid Inquiry. Let's see.
What do these initials stand for, do we think?
It's Grimsby Town Football Club. It is. That's right.
He got given it as a gift by a Grimsby MP
and had previously told the Grimsby Telegraph
that when it comes to headwear...
And to rub salt into the wound,
it was the husband's favourite hat.
They've objected. Yeah. I bet they have. Because they don't want to be
associated with someone so utterly disgraceful.
Some people thought it was a good advert for the town,
but local John Dale started a petition calling for Johnson
to stop wearing the hat in public,
adding that the former MP was...
Exactly.
It is time now for the Missing Words round.
And we start with... the Missing Words round.
PHIL: Over 100ml of urine. the Missing Words round.
I did read this. It was ants. the Missing Words round.
Not budgies?
Could be budgie-smuggling budgies!
They all started flying at the same time
and he took off over Terminal 4.
The answer is...
Oh!
Ohh.
And he was caught?!
You cannot smuggle two otters and a prairie dog in your pants!
And, believe me, I've tried!
You can get through at Luton cos they're not so hot on security.
PHIL: Ten of them a-leaping.
Is it Peter Mandelson?
ARMANDO: Venison. Venison.
Swan.
Human flesh.
It says "crackless".
Crackless crackers. PHIL: Yes, crackerless crackers
would just be no crackers. Yeah.
Although, to be fair, a House of Lords Christmas party
has a lot of crackers in it.
Crackers in the House of Lords
now won't make any noise following complaints
from several members that, last year, the bangs were so loud
they almost woke up.
PHIL: Sunshine.
Cockroaches.
ARMANDO: Oh.
Yes, this is the news that a warning alert for a great white shark
was sent to a small town near Inverness
instead of its namesake in New Zealand.
News of the shark sent the entire town of Fortrose in Scotland
into a panic as the locals desperately tried to gather together
enough flour, eggs and milk to batter it.
I'm glad it's you doing that. I know.
And finally...
The Hull accent. Yes.
This is the news that the actor and heartthrob Timothee Chalamet
has claimed the sexiest accent in Britain originates in Hull.
He's got a point. I mean, remember the '90s -
whenever John Prescott opened his mouth...
LAUGHTER
You said that with feeling. You meant that, didn't you?
Everyone's got their hidden corners. Yeah.
So the final scores are -
Ian and Phil...
Oh, yes! Oh, no!
Oh, no.
..Paul and Armando have 10.
Yes!
APPLAUSE
But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.
Ian and Phil have this.
Labour celebrate inaugural Bring Your Mum To Work Day.
Well, there's two captions for this, isn't there?
Keir Starmer lookalike competition attracts unusual entrant.
Or Elton John lookalike contest...
One or the other.
Paul and Armando get that.
Oh, I know this one. The nun on the left is saying,
"Until I sat down, I thought Bishop's Finger was a drink."
That's one for the kids at the panto.
It's obvious. You can see the look on her face. Look.
That's been the highlight of my career, that bit.
On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
Ian Hislop and Phil Wang,
Paul Merton and Armando Iannucci.
And I leave you with news that, despite protests
from animal rights groups,
the Great Marvo and his performing zebra
insist there is no cruelty in his act.
In Stoke, MP Jonathan Gullis regrets giving the Government
a hard time over the Rwanda bill
as Rishi Sunak sends the Gullis family some Christmas presents.
SHOUTING ECHOES
And in Windsor, royal insiders realise that Queen Camilla
may be losing focus a little
as she asks the most pointless "and what do you do?"
ever.
Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE