1 00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:13,800 This programme contains some strong language and adult humour. 2 00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:36,160 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 3 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:43,320 Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. 4 00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:44,880 I'm Kirsty Young. 5 00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:46,280 In the news this week, 6 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:49,360 in South London, after a woman's husband comes home from work early, 7 00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:52,480 Boris Johnson's grateful for the military supplies 8 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:57,720 that he snaffled on his last visit to Ukraine. 9 00:00:57,720 --> 00:01:00,680 LAUGHTER 10 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:06,000 Childhood footage emerges of Matt Hancock 11 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:07,520 playing with his older brother, 12 00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:11,000 which helps to explain a lot. 13 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:17,400 LAUGHTER 14 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:18,760 And in Buckinghamshire, 15 00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:21,400 Keir Starmer lays out exactly how he wants his Christmas cheeseboard 16 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:24,880 to be arranged and distributed. 17 00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:27,039 Wedge, wedge, wedge. 18 00:01:27,039 --> 00:01:29,320 Divide, divide, divide. 19 00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:33,800 LAUGHTER 20 00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:36,920 On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who can play the ukulele - 21 00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:39,320 but don't worry, we've had it written into his contract 22 00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:41,800 that he won't. Please welcome Phil Wang. 23 00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:44,759 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 24 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:50,240 On Paul's team tonight is an acclaimed writer and producer 25 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:52,680 who was described recently by the Daily Telegraph 26 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:55,440 as the hard man of political satire, 27 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:57,520 although a lot of people think that's Ian, 28 00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:00,640 so they'll be sorting it out in the car park a little later. 29 00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:02,320 Please welcome Armando Iannucci. 30 00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:08,479 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 31 00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:11,560 And so we begin with the bigger news stories of the week. 32 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:14,520 Ian and Phil, just take a look at this. 33 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:16,640 That's carol singers at Number Ten. 34 00:02:16,640 --> 00:02:18,480 Practising for his next job. 35 00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:20,600 Yeah. 36 00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:23,760 And that's someone being deported back from Rwanda. 37 00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:25,440 This is the Rwanda vote. 38 00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:29,079 The Tory Party continues to play chicken with itself 39 00:02:29,079 --> 00:02:30,880 over a policy it knows won't happen 40 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:34,240 and even if it did happen, wouldn't work. 41 00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:37,920 The UK could only send 200 people a year to Rwanda. 42 00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:43,480 That's not even the number of home secretaries we've had in a year. 43 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:46,120 Yeah, it's the end of a great week for Rishi Sunak 44 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:47,800 as he emerges from the Rwanda debate 45 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:53,240 with his MPs under complete control and his integrity entirely intact. 46 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,400 The Rwanda bill was passed with no Conservative MPs 47 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:58,800 actually voting against. A lot of them abstained. Abstained. 48 00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:00,760 What happens...? It's a classic Tory revolt. 49 00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:03,160 It's like one of those indoor fireworks you buy. 50 00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:06,520 The packet says this is going to be great, it's going to blow up, 51 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:09,480 and then it goes pffff... 52 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:12,000 And so, do we know what happens next? Yes. 53 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,960 Nothing. 54 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:17,079 They were saying, "Could you tighten it up?" 55 00:03:17,079 --> 00:03:19,240 and he said it can't be tightened any further. 56 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:23,320 But he did say it was already 95% watertight. 57 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:25,440 So was the Titanic. 58 00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:27,880 So, you know... So there's trouble ahead. 59 00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:30,040 It's going to get its third reading in January. 60 00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:31,480 It is all actually quite complicated. 61 00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:34,640 Let's hear from the man in charge, who is James Cleverly, of course. 62 00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:37,120 If the bill is still... If the... 63 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:40,000 Sorry, if the treaty that we signed with Rwanda... 64 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:42,520 In the same way that if there are treaties signed 65 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:47,000 with other countries, if the treaty on which the bill... 66 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:49,680 So the bill supports the treaty, 67 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:53,960 the treaty addresses the reasons that the Supreme Court 68 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:59,520 said that they felt Rwanda at this point in time... 69 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:01,200 Erm... 70 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:02,920 LAUGHTER 71 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:06,640 APPLAUSE 72 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:08,800 Yes, but the Government have now passed a law 73 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,480 that says that made sense. 74 00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:13,880 What demonstrated the Government's desperation 75 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:17,040 to make sure that the vote definitely went their way? 76 00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:20,200 Oh. They hauled back from the COP conference 77 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:23,960 someone to vote in this and then he flew back. 78 00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:27,160 Climate Minister Graham Stuart. Yes. So he flew back into the country 79 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:29,800 to vote for something that stops people getting into the country 80 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:32,080 and then flew back out to vote for something 81 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:35,080 that advises everyone to cut down their flying. 82 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:37,000 That's right. Yeah. 83 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:40,480 APPLAUSE 84 00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:43,440 According to the Daily Telegraph... 85 00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:54,600 So there were hopes that he might swing it for Rishi. 86 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,880 LAUGHTER 87 00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:59,080 APPLAUSE 88 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:02,000 When you think about exposure, the name Peter Bone is rather... 89 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:04,400 ..unfortunate, isn't it, really? Yeah. 90 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:06,440 David Davis also appeared. 91 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:09,520 Here's how he was greeted by the BBC's Chris Mason. 92 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:12,160 Blimey, the Government must have a bit of the collie wobbles 93 00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:15,120 if they've asked you to come out and bat for them. 94 00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:20,760 After the Rwanda vote, David Davis revealed that on his way home, 95 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:23,560 he intervened to stop an attack on a homeless man 96 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:25,240 near the Houses of Parliament - 97 00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:28,120 presumably shouting, "Leave him alone, Suella!" 98 00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,520 LAUGHTER 99 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:33,400 APPLAUSE 100 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:37,159 What did Keir Starmer say that Labour's plan was? 101 00:05:37,159 --> 00:05:38,960 Not that. 102 00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:42,920 He said it was to smash the gangs and he said it a lot. 103 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:46,040 The first is smashing the gangs, the criminal gangs. 104 00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:47,800 And a cross-border police force 105 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:51,480 that can smash the smuggler glangs at source. 106 00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:53,400 There are criminal gangs that are driving this 107 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:54,880 and we have to smash them. 108 00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:58,240 Unless and until we're more serious about smashing the gangs... 109 00:05:58,240 --> 00:05:59,640 Time... 110 00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:00,840 ..um... 111 00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:05,120 ..to smash these gangs. 112 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:07,680 I mean, he sounds smashed. LAUGHTER 113 00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:09,560 So, at the beginning of the week, then, 114 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:11,720 Rishi Sunak was giving evidence at the Covid Inquiry. 115 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:14,600 Yeah, he had a great week, didn't he? He did, didn't he? 116 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:16,280 What was the Prime Minister's main recollection 117 00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:18,360 of that pandemic period? 118 00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:22,160 He couldn't remember why we can't look at his WhatsApp messages. 119 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:26,240 He said when he got a new phone that he lost all those messages. 120 00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:29,200 I guess he didn't back them up. But it's like, as if! 121 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:32,520 I mean, Rishi Sunak is a dork - and that's coming from me. 122 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:36,159 This guy backs up his toothbrush, you know? 123 00:06:36,159 --> 00:06:37,560 There's no... 124 00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:39,480 ARMANDO: He's looking forward to this lucrative career 125 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:44,159 in Silicon Valley that will inevitably happen very, very soon, 126 00:06:44,159 --> 00:06:47,400 and then, as he explained how he couldn't work his WhatsApp, 127 00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:50,360 you could just behind his eyes going, "Oh, for..." 128 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:55,159 He didn't seem to have much of a memory of what happened at all. 129 00:06:55,159 --> 00:06:57,440 Let's just take a little look. 130 00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:59,720 I don't have any strong recollections of the meeting. 131 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:02,440 It's not something that I recall at the time. 132 00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:04,440 Again, I don't recall them doing so. 133 00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:07,600 So, I don't recall there being a direct relationship. 134 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:10,240 So, I don't recall it being a particular feature 135 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:11,880 of the advice. 136 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:15,000 You know, I don't recall any specific conversations. 137 00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:16,680 And I don't have any strong recollection 138 00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:19,000 of these sets of conversations. 139 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:21,280 I had no recollection of him raising that. 140 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:23,840 I don't... I don't recall receiving any formal submission. 141 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:27,080 But I don't recall them ever making a formal submission. 142 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:30,040 That's just not what occurred, is it? 143 00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:35,080 Well, my... my recollection is different... 144 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:39,040 There are people with dementia who've got more memory than that. 145 00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:40,240 How did Rishi Sunak describe 146 00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:42,480 his working relationship with Boris Johnson? 147 00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:46,840 Did he say it was very close with homoerotic overtones? 148 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:49,800 He said... 149 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:54,400 Well, yes, so there you go. They are we are. 150 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:56,560 So he did very well not to catch Covid, 151 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:57,600 or indeed get pregnant. 152 00:07:57,600 --> 00:07:59,200 True. 153 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:02,440 But they were two metres distant. 154 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:05,520 Well, we don't know... Anyway. 155 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:08,640 We don't know how ambitious they were. 156 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:11,040 So, all the problems that Rishi Sunak is now facing 157 00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:14,000 are part of what the Mail on Sunday called... 158 00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:21,120 What are they hoping that December will turn out to be for Rishi? 159 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:23,360 Is this an advent calendar of shit? 160 00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:25,480 It is! 161 00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:28,120 And we've got more of that coming up in Round Two. 162 00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:30,280 APPLAUSE 163 00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:33,360 Thankfully not available in the shops. 164 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:36,760 So, this is the Rwanda vote in the Commons this week. 165 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:39,679 The bill will now undergo further scrutiny from lawyers 166 00:08:39,679 --> 00:08:42,400 and members of the so-called Star Chamber, 167 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:44,560 and if there's still no clear conclusion, 168 00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:47,640 the decision will rest with the highest court in the land - 169 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:51,200 Gary Lineker's Twitter feed. 170 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:52,600 According to the Daily Mail, 171 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:58,600 Rishi Sunak's attempts to woo potential rebels began with... 172 00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:02,080 "Sources" close to the Prime Ministe included HP and ketchup. 173 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:06,680 IAN GUFFAWS 174 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:09,440 That's really good. 175 00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:11,160 The breakfast meeting paid off, 176 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:14,800 though there was an awkward moment when a Downing Street aide 177 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:19,960 passed the plate to Rishi saying, "Your toast." 178 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:24,200 Paul and Armando, take a look at this. 179 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:26,960 Well attended. This is the COP conference, isn't it? 180 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:29,920 Yeah. "I saved crude oil." 181 00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:33,040 I don't know much about this because I've been all week in pantomime 182 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:36,360 where the baddies get flushed down the loo at the end of the show 183 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:38,520 and the goodies succeed, unlike the real world, unfortunately. 184 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:40,120 So, yeah, off you go. 185 00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:43,600 Well, that kind of sort of is what happened... Is it? 186 00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:45,520 ..in that they tried to save the world. 187 00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:48,400 They've come up with an agreement but it's been watered down. Yes. 188 00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:51,280 Rather like the planet will be if we don't get this sorted. 189 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:52,920 But that's fundamentally it, yeah. 190 00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:54,360 It's sort of pantomime, isn't it? 191 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:58,400 We're going to phase out fossil fuels. Oh, no, we're not! 192 00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:00,320 Yes, they've changed the language on fossil fuels 193 00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:02,880 so they're going to transition from fossil fuels. 194 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:06,040 PHIL: It's almost as if it was held in Dubai. 195 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:09,160 I mean, that's like having an AA meeting in Wetherspoon's. 196 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:10,840 - Know what I mean? - Yeah. 197 00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:14,280 APPLAUSE 198 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,480 They said they were going to phase them out 199 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:18,880 and then they changed the language cos no-one could agree 200 00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:20,760 and then they were going to phase down. 201 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:22,200 That was Glasgow, was phase down. 202 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:23,720 Phase down. And Dubai is transition. 203 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:25,600 PHIL: Transition away. 204 00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:28,000 I think that's what RuPaul says at the end of... 205 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:32,680 ARMANDO: It means coal can now self-identify as wind power. 206 00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:35,840 And that's absolutely fine. 207 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:36,960 Of course, in America, 208 00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:43,480 fossil fuel is what they call Joe Biden's breakfast. 209 00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:48,960 Why are the Saudis not happy? 210 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,680 Why aren't the Saudis happy? 211 00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:53,640 Did no-one die? 212 00:10:57,840 --> 00:11:01,280 Just saying. 213 00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:06,520 Not much fun of an event, is it? 214 00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:07,720 The Saudis are not happy 215 00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:09,640 because they, along with other OPEC countries, lobbied 216 00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:12,120 to have the words "fossil fuels" removed from the agreement 217 00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:15,080 but according to the Telegraph, it was... 218 00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:21,080 According to ITV News, the debate amongst COP delegates 219 00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:24,040 was so intense... 220 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:28,440 Burning the midnight oil, which of course... 221 00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:31,080 Yep, again. 222 00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:33,720 COP28 has seen a lot of in-fighting between countries, 223 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:36,600 but this is what happens when you ask AI to show you 224 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:40,840 some world leaders just getting together and having a bit of fun. 225 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:42,680 It's Friday. 226 00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:44,720 Start drinking! 227 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:46,000 UPBEAT EURODANCE MUSIC 228 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:47,240 # Be my lover, wanna 229 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:49,600 # Go ahead and take your time, boy 230 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:51,440 # You gotta feel secure 231 00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:54,680 # Be my lover, wanna be my lover 232 00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:56,840 # Wanna be my lover... # 233 00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:58,320 LAUGHTER 234 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:01,720 APPLAUSE 235 00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:04,200 You're applauding that? 236 00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,360 I think some of that was fake. 237 00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:08,520 LAUGHTER 238 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,200 Too well choreographed to be faked. 239 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,840 What was the point of that? Just to have a laugh. 240 00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:15,800 Oh, right, right. 241 00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:18,840 In other news, Vladimir Putin is running for president again. 242 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:21,000 He's running for re-election. That's right. 243 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,600 In a tightly run race. 244 00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:28,640 And his slogan is, "I probably won't kill you." 245 00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:31,240 PHIL: I wonder what election night coverage is like in Russia. 246 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:33,240 Pretty quick. 247 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:36,560 There's an exit poll in which the opposition leave through a window. 248 00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:38,040 LAUGHTER 249 00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:41,840 Thank you very much. I'm in Richmond all week. 250 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:44,800 On jury duty. 251 00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:47,360 I'm not allowed to do jury duty. 252 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:50,320 Is it because you're often confused with the defendant? 253 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:53,920 Why has he chosen this week to announce 254 00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:55,760 that he's running for another term? 255 00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:59,640 This is when he does his end of year press conference, I think, isn't it? 256 00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:01,800 And he hasn't done one for a few years. 257 00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:03,600 He did four hours of answering questions. 258 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:05,640 You can ask anything you like... 259 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:08,120 ..if you don't want to live. Yeah. 260 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:11,080 According to Newsweek, some of the things he got thrown were... 261 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:16,160 And... 262 00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:19,680 To which Putin replied, "What war?" 263 00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:22,640 He also got asked... 264 00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:31,600 Putin told the fellow to pop on his location services 265 00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:37,040 and someone would be along to help him out almost immediately. 266 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:39,000 This is the COP28 climate summit. 267 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,440 Scientists have warned that solar storms 268 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:47,680 could have a serious effect on our transport systems... 269 00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:51,040 This will cause havoc for trains and cars, 270 00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:55,840 although cyclists will just carry on regardless. 271 00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:58,800 According to scientists, in the near future... 272 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,800 So, it's red sky at night, shepherd's delight, 273 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:07,240 and red sky in the morning, replacement bus warning. 274 00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:11,480 It's time now for Round Two and the Advent Calendar of News. 275 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:14,440 AUDIENCE: Oooh! 276 00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:22,440 LAUGHTER 277 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:28,760 You hit the most perfect note of sarcasm. 278 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:30,920 I want you to pick a door to open 279 00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:33,320 and then tell me what story is behind the door. 280 00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:35,720 Ian, would you like to pick a door to open? 281 00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:37,640 Are they doors? They're meant to be windows. 282 00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:39,200 They're actually little drawers. 283 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:40,760 OK, grumpy Scrooge over. 284 00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:42,840 Hey, advent! 285 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,960 I'd like number ten, please, Kirsty! 286 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:47,920 Here we go, number ten. 287 00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:50,440 LAUGHTER 288 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:51,560 Oh, no! 289 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:54,520 Why didn't we just have that, then? Why...? 290 00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:58,080 It's health and safety, isn't it? 291 00:14:58,080 --> 00:14:59,760 There's a world meat pie eating championship 292 00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:03,360 and they think it's a bit risky for people to be eating that many pies. 293 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,760 Cos people might choke. They might choke on the fillings. 294 00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:08,640 They might choke on the pastry. They might take their eye out 295 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:10,080 with a piece of sharpened mushroom. 296 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:12,480 So, I mean, anything could happen, anything could go wrong. 297 00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:15,360 Spot-on. Yeah. The World Pie Eating Championships are held in a pub 298 00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:16,960 in Wigan every year. 299 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:18,160 LAUGHTER 300 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:19,200 Yeah! 301 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:21,240 According to Pie Eating organiser Tony Callaghan, 302 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:24,920 his own health and safety officer tried to ban speed eating 303 00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:26,560 on the pub premises. 304 00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:29,520 Callaghan reacted by saying that his colleague... 305 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:33,480 ..adding... 306 00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:39,840 Which is why, presumably, she's also favourite to win the competition. 307 00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:42,200 What are the new rules, then? 308 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:44,920 You can only eat it but with a straw. Yeah. 309 00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:46,880 Competitors in the speed eating competition 310 00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:49,840 have been told that they need to... 311 00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:58,040 How has Tony tried to get around the 30-chew regulation? 312 00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:01,000 KIRSTY GIGGLES 313 00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:03,280 In the usual way. 314 00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:07,400 I can't even be bothered to answer! 315 00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:12,920 I really don't... If this is what's happened in the advent calendar, 316 00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:14,120 this is the first question, 317 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:16,040 God knows what lies behind the other 23! 318 00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:19,000 If we've started off with this! 319 00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:26,720 You can tell the BBC isn't getting the licence fee it was expecting. 320 00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:29,680 He's introducing a new rule where competitors... 321 00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:35,000 ..after which... 322 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:40,160 It's obvious once you say it. 323 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:42,080 What have been some of the past controversies 324 00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:44,080 in the World Pie Eating Championships? 325 00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:46,480 That it occurs! 326 00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:52,640 In 2007, the tournament was nearly called off after... 327 00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:02,000 Clearly, the pigeon and the dog were working in cahoots. 328 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:05,079 What have Tesco accidentally... 329 00:17:05,079 --> 00:17:07,680 Oh, my God! ..put in their Christmas...? Moths! 330 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:10,000 Moths! They've put it in their Christmas stuffing. Yeah. 331 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:11,760 They've got moths in their Christmas stuffing. 332 00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:14,160 Exactly! You stuff it up the turkey, 333 00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:17,000 then it flies out the window! 334 00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:19,640 They've got moths. They've got moths in their stuffing. That's right. 335 00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:22,280 They've recalled a batch of their Apple and Cranberry Finest Stuffing 336 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:25,240 on safety grounds as it... 337 00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:26,920 Yeah. 338 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,320 A spokesperson apologised, saying that, "This is the last thing 339 00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:31,760 "our customers want during the holy season." 340 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:34,640 APPLAUSE 341 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,600 Yeah. 342 00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,960 Armando, would you like to pick a door to open? Yeah. 343 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,480 I'll go for 15. Oh, yeah. Good choice. 344 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:47,440 BELLS JINGLE 345 00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:49,760 This is about swearing on television. There's too much... 346 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:52,280 Well, there's been an increase in swearing, 347 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,120 according to some twat... 348 00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:56,120 LAUGHTER 349 00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:58,520 APPLAUSE 350 00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:00,920 Exactly right. Most of it was on the Covid Inquiry. 351 00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:02,800 Yeah, that was great fun, wasn't it? 352 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:06,080 A survey of 60,000 TV shows and films from the last 40 years 353 00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:09,240 shown on British television has showed that the annual number 354 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:12,200 of swear words has... 355 00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:17,000 But have you noticed how the audience's interest has gone down 356 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:19,880 now we've gone away from the World Pie Eating Championships? Yeah. 357 00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:23,360 Ofcom has a list of swear words ranked by order of offence. 358 00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:26,240 Did anyone hear how BBC Radio 4 chose how to discus that 359 00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:29,880 on air recently? Let's have a little listen. 360 00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:31,800 Let's see how far we can get through. 361 00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:34,200 Bloody. 362 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:35,880 Bu... CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES 363 00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:37,440 Cow. 364 00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:38,800 Crap. 365 00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:40,280 Damn. 366 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:43,000 Di... CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES 367 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,760 CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES 368 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:46,520 CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES 369 00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:48,440 CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES 370 00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:51,560 We'll take a look at a graph so you can see how potty-mouthed 371 00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:53,760 television has become. Yeah. 372 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:55,760 What happened in 2005? 373 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,800 LAUGHTER 374 00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:00,040 I expect it was Armando's series 375 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:02,800 of The Thick Of It. It was. It was. 376 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:04,360 Yeah. 377 00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:06,560 I'm so sorry. 378 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:09,480 There was a lot of to-and-fro-ing with the editorial people 379 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:12,720 at the BBC, who actually negotiated a "fuck"... 380 00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:14,680 CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES ..per ratio by... 381 00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:16,560 LAUGHTER 382 00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:20,520 If I brought... If I brought the ratio down, 383 00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:24,600 the average down from, like, 40 "fucks" every five minutes 384 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:31,560 to 20, I could have two more... CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES 385 00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:33,480 I mean, that negotiation is exactly the same 386 00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:35,480 on the reshuffle of the Cabinet. 387 00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:38,440 HE MOUTHS 388 00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:42,280 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 389 00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:44,680 And finally, would you like to see University Challenge's announcer, 390 00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:48,080 Roger Tilling, do his best impression of a chicken? 391 00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:51,400 Yes. We'll say yes. Yes! Say yes. Sorry, yes, we would. Here we go. 392 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:57,360 Birkbeck, McMillan! Birkbeck, McMillan! Birkbeck, 393 00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:02,240 McMillan! Birkbeck, McMillan! 394 00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:04,120 CLUCKING 395 00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:08,800 This is the news that there's an epidemic of swearing 396 00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:13,160 on television. There has been such a backlash 397 00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:17,040 to the level of inappropriate language on TV 398 00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:23,320 that the BBC have now decided to cancel Countryfile. 399 00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:25,880 It's time now for the Odd One Out round. 400 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:27,720 Just one between you this week. 401 00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:29,560 King Charles I. Yes. 402 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:34,320 Tory MP Ben Everitt, Ian Wright and Boris Johnson. 403 00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:37,200 Well, this is the one and only time that my A-level history 404 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:39,800 is coming into play. Charles I, I know, upon his execution, 405 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:42,880 wore some thick undergarments so that, if he shivered 406 00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:45,240 or looked cold, he didn't want the crowd to think 407 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:48,880 that he was scared or worried. Is that in the right area? Very much. 408 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:52,280 Yes. OK. And Ian Wright was recently appearing on a TV show 409 00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:55,440 wearing one of those new coats, it's like an eiderdown. Mm-hm. 410 00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:59,280 Very cold. Any further ideas? I think he was just sleeping rough. 411 00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:02,800 Yes. That MP, he posed topless. ARMANDO: Topless, yes. 412 00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:04,840 So he must have been quite cold. 413 00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:07,960 So the MP must be the odd one out cos the other three 414 00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:10,280 have taken precautions to stop themselves getting cold. Exactly. 415 00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:13,240 Boris has never taken any precautions! 416 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:17,480 You've absolutely got it spot-on. 417 00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:20,120 They've all put on extra clothing to keep warm apart from 418 00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,760 Tory MP Ben Everitt, who has been taking his clothes off. 419 00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:27,560 And here is a picture of Ben Everitt. 420 00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:30,200 PHIL: Is it AI generated? 421 00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:33,080 Why did he do that? Some people say it's because 422 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:36,800 he's doing what's described as a "thirst trap". 423 00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:39,200 What's that? Obviously, Ian, you know what that is. 424 00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:41,840 Do you want to explain to the rest of us? 425 00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:43,960 I know what a thirst trap is. 426 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,920 Phil. 427 00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:49,120 It's just a sexy pic, basically. Oh, sexy pic. 428 00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:52,080 You know of sexy pics. Yeah, sexy pics. Yeah. 429 00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:58,320 I send 'em all a tie! 430 00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:01,200 That's why you're not allowed on juries. 431 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:04,920 Damn! You commented, Paul, that Ian Wright needed that extra layer. 432 00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:08,040 You were right. He was commentating on a recent FA Cup final game. 433 00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:10,920 He made sure that he didn't get cold by wearing this coat. 434 00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:14,840 LAUGHTER 435 00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:17,000 It contains warm air. Or maybe he's just been 436 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,960 taking part in the World Meat Pie Eating Championships. 437 00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:22,680 And when did King Charles I need to layer up? 438 00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:27,760 Upon his execution. Exactly. Which was 16...40... Oh, let me see. 439 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:31,720 1649? You can say anything you like because I don't have the date here. 440 00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:35,560 Have we got any topless pictures of Charles? Sadly not. 441 00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:38,400 His head came off, so... 442 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:41,040 And he got a letter right towards the end. He said, 443 00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:43,440 "Just put it in the basket, I'll read it later." 444 00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:46,920 What has Boris Johnson worn recently that caused a stir? 445 00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:49,480 Oh, the hat. Going into the Covid Inquiry. Let's see. 446 00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,560 What do these initials stand for, do we think? 447 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:54,960 It's Grimsby Town Football Club. It is. That's right. 448 00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:57,800 He got given it as a gift by a Grimsby MP 449 00:22:57,800 --> 00:22:59,480 and had previously told the Grimsby Telegraph 450 00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:02,440 that when it comes to headwear... 451 00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:05,520 And to rub salt into the wound, 452 00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:10,360 it was the husband's favourite hat. 453 00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:13,480 They've objected. Yeah. I bet they have. Because they don't want to be 454 00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:17,800 associated with someone so utterly disgraceful. 455 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:21,520 Some people thought it was a good advert for the town, 456 00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:23,200 but local John Dale started a petition calling for Johnson 457 00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:25,520 to stop wearing the hat in public, 458 00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:28,480 adding that the former MP was... 459 00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:35,000 Exactly. 460 00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:40,680 It is time now for the Missing Words round. 461 00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:44,000 And we start with... the Missing Words round. 462 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,200 PHIL: Over 100ml of urine. the Missing Words round. 463 00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,920 I did read this. It was ants. the Missing Words round. 464 00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:51,440 Not budgies? 465 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:54,200 Could be budgie-smuggling budgies! 466 00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:56,160 They all started flying at the same time 467 00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:59,120 and he took off over Terminal 4. 468 00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:01,400 The answer is... 469 00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:03,560 Oh! 470 00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:05,120 Ohh. 471 00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:07,600 And he was caught?! 472 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:12,280 You cannot smuggle two otters and a prairie dog in your pants! 473 00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:16,640 And, believe me, I've tried! 474 00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:19,600 You can get through at Luton cos they're not so hot on security. 475 00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:27,200 PHIL: Ten of them a-leaping. 476 00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:29,440 Is it Peter Mandelson? 477 00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:30,960 ARMANDO: Venison. Venison. 478 00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:33,560 Swan. 479 00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:36,520 Human flesh. 480 00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:41,840 It says "crackless". 481 00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:43,720 Crackless crackers. PHIL: Yes, crackerless crackers 482 00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:45,840 would just be no crackers. Yeah. 483 00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:50,560 Although, to be fair, a House of Lords Christmas party 484 00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:53,880 has a lot of crackers in it. 485 00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:55,360 Crackers in the House of Lords 486 00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:57,120 now won't make any noise following complaints 487 00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:59,760 from several members that, last year, the bangs were so loud 488 00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:02,720 they almost woke up. 489 00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:10,360 PHIL: Sunshine. 490 00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:16,680 Cockroaches. 491 00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:21,360 ARMANDO: Oh. 492 00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:24,720 Yes, this is the news that a warning alert for a great white shark 493 00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:26,920 was sent to a small town near Inverness 494 00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:34,760 instead of its namesake in New Zealand. 495 00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:37,640 News of the shark sent the entire town of Fortrose in Scotland 496 00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:40,920 into a panic as the locals desperately tried to gather together 497 00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:47,000 enough flour, eggs and milk to batter it. 498 00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:51,000 I'm glad it's you doing that. I know. 499 00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:53,000 And finally... 500 00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:58,040 The Hull accent. Yes. 501 00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:00,680 This is the news that the actor and heartthrob Timothee Chalamet 502 00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:05,760 has claimed the sexiest accent in Britain originates in Hull. 503 00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:08,120 He's got a point. I mean, remember the '90s - 504 00:26:08,120 --> 00:26:10,200 whenever John Prescott opened his mouth... 505 00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:13,160 LAUGHTER 506 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:20,040 You said that with feeling. You meant that, didn't you? 507 00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:25,880 Everyone's got their hidden corners. Yeah. 508 00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:27,320 So the final scores are - 509 00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:29,240 Ian and Phil... 510 00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:31,240 Oh, yes! Oh, no! 511 00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:32,560 Oh, no. 512 00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:35,160 ..Paul and Armando have 10. 513 00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:36,440 Yes! 514 00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:39,000 APPLAUSE 515 00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:41,640 But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition. 516 00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:44,600 Ian and Phil have this. 517 00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:47,600 Labour celebrate inaugural Bring Your Mum To Work Day. 518 00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:51,320 Well, there's two captions for this, isn't there? 519 00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:54,520 Keir Starmer lookalike competition attracts unusual entrant. 520 00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:58,040 Or Elton John lookalike contest... 521 00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:00,120 One or the other. 522 00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:01,600 One or the other. 523 00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:04,240 Paul and Armando get that. 524 00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:07,120 Oh, I know this one. The nun on the left is saying, 525 00:27:07,120 --> 00:27:10,080 "Until I sat down, I thought Bishop's Finger was a drink." 526 00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:15,160 That's one for the kids at the panto. 527 00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:20,680 It's obvious. You can see the look on her face. Look. 528 00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:23,640 That's been the highlight of my career, that bit. 529 00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:27,560 On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, 530 00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:29,000 Ian Hislop and Phil Wang, 531 00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:31,720 Paul Merton and Armando Iannucci. 532 00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:34,160 And I leave you with news that, despite protests 533 00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:35,640 from animal rights groups, 534 00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:38,360 the Great Marvo and his performing zebra 535 00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:44,760 insist there is no cruelty in his act. 536 00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:53,200 In Stoke, MP Jonathan Gullis regrets giving the Government 537 00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:55,800 a hard time over the Rwanda bill 538 00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:59,920 as Rishi Sunak sends the Gullis family some Christmas presents. 539 00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:07,400 SHOUTING ECHOES 540 00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:12,280 And in Windsor, royal insiders realise that Queen Camilla 541 00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:16,200 may be losing focus a little 542 00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:18,840 as she asks the most pointless "and what do you do?" 543 00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:19,880 ever. 544 00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:22,840 Goodnight. 545 00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:30,760 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE