This program me contains some strong language and adult humour
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.
Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You?
I am Professor Hannah Fry.
In the news this week...
As the Lib Dems step up campaigning, there's embarrassment as the props
for one of their publicity stunts gets mixed up with a delivery
of laptops for needy children.
Three, two, one...
In Windsor, one man is delighted with the new ashtray
he's buying his wife for Christmas.
Very grateful.
LAUGHTER.
And in Leicestershire, one family successfully
trains their pet to tell them when a yoghurt is past
its sell-by date.
CAT RETCHES.
LAUGHTER.
On tan's team tonight,
we have a journalist and broadcaster who recently interviewed heavy metal
fans while they were getting tattoos at a music festival.
So, presumably, this isn't the first time she's met lan.
Please welcome Zing Tsjeng.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And on Paul's team tonight we have an actor
and broadcaster who next year will be hosting a game show
called Password.
Of course, there will be regular guests, but each episode
will also feature at least one special character.
Plus one number and a capital letter.
Please welcome Stephen Mangan.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
OK, we begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
Ian and Zing, you have a little look at this.
Oh, Rishi's running, from the... From Suella.
He's heard the call from Celebrity SAS and he's there.
That's no-one in this budget.
And that's the life-support system.
"Yep, it's off."
This is the Autumn Statement, and the Chancellor, he makes
an Autumn Statement, and this autumn he'd said,
"Please vote for us." Yeah.
This government said it would not consider tax cuts,
we can't afford it - until they saw the opinion polls,
and they thought, yeah, all right.
The maths is very complicated here.
Yes, it absolutely is.
Because they say we've had tax cuts, and the Office
for Budget Responsibility says, no, the tax is almost
the highest ever.
There was a lot of talk beforehand between Rishi Sunak and Jeremy Hunt
about how now is the right time for tax cuts - how do we know that
that must be correct?
Because they want to get elected?
Because only a few weeks ago, according to the Times...
LAUGHTER
Also in the Mail on Sunday at the end of October,
a Whitehall source said...
LAUGHTER
How come there is suddenly a lot more money
for fiscal stimulus, though?
It's all the money they've saved from not deporting people to Rwanda
now that they can't do it.
What's interesting about this budget is, it's got a lot
of detailed plans in it which, given that they're going to lose
the election, just don't...matter.
They might as well just promise anything - just...
...everyone gets a free puppy.
OK, who wasn't impressed by all of this?
Was it Labour's Rachel Reeves? It absolutely was Rachel Reeves.
How was she...?
She was so unimpressed, she said,
"We're not going to change any of this!"
That's radical Labour for you!
The very good thing about this budget is that the country
hasn't tanked...immediately.
You're being very harsh on the Conservatives, very harsh
on the government, they're trying.
They're going to sort it. What, they've only had...
13 years?
13 years, yeah.
You know... Give them a break!
Are we doing the Covid inquiry this week?
Is that coming up later?
Maybe. OK, I'll keep my comment for then.
Jeremy Hunt referring to turbo-charging growth was Liz Pru...
Liz Tru... Oh, my goodness.
It's all right, because no-one remembers her.
Liz who?
Liz Pruss!
LAUGHTER
She was a good Prime Minister, I tell you.
A lot better than that other one. Yeah.
Liz Dross? Liz Dross!
Ironically, she was lacking support.
It's a reference to trusses, m'lud.
Thank you so much, thank you.
APPLAUSE
Liz Truss, difficult to get rid of, still kind of hanging around.
Someone did try and get rid of Liz Truss, though.
Do you know who?
Noel Edmonds?
It was Theresa May.
So, she tweeted a photograph of the surviving prime ministers
in the Cenotaph on Remembrance Sunday.
Here is the original picture - you can see Liz Truss there.
And here is the tweet from Theresa May.
LAUGHTER
There is someone on Twitter called Andre who decided
to represent all of those prime ministers in that photograph
proportionately, according to their time in office.
Tony Blair, first off, been on the protein shakes.
And as we go across there, you might not be able to pick
out Liz Truss, erm...
...she is a very thin sliver of light...
LAUGHTER
...between Sunak and Johnson.
Someone on Twitter actually pointed out that if Liz Truss lives
until she's 95 years old, then she will have spent more
days at the Cenotaph than she did as Prime Minister.
LAUGHTER
So, David Cameron, then. He's back.
Nobody did, including David Cameron, he had no idea.
He looked stunned when he came out of the car.
Yeah, he was still wearing his tracksuit.
He's back, he's Foreign Secretary.
Mm.
Apparently this was all agreed with Rishi Sunak
weeks ago in, and I quote...
...which I think is a public-school thing, not sure.
But this certainly surprised Chris Mason from the BBC.
CHRIS MASON: Cor blimey, look at this!
I think he should have said, "A new bombshell
has entered the villa."
That would have been good.
Now, goodness knows... Yeah.
...Cameron could do with a little bit of luxury in his life.
He gets a mansion in Carlton Gardens, SW1,
and a country house called Chevening in Kent, or, as the Sunday Times
imagined Cameron contemplating it...
lan and Paul, don't you live in Kent?
Yes, but not together.
LAUGHTER
I have a shed at the end of his garden.
Which I've given him at a very reasonable rate.
He pops in, with a cup of tea, occasionally.
Yeah. All right, guv'nor.
It's lovely.
And I say, "lan, you don't have to call me guv'nor, that's fine.”
How do you two feel about being looked down on
by the likes of the Chipping Norton set?
I don't think they look down on lan, they see him as a regular guy.
Well, the Chipping Norton set is Jeremy Clarkson...
Oh, yes. ..Rebekah Brooks...
Brooks, yes. Yes.
...the distinguished executive of the Sun newspaper and the Murdoch
group who nearly went to jail but didn't, because she's innocent.
And don't...
Don't let me hear anything to the contrary from you lot.
You left-wing subversives!
I'm quite prepared to say she's guilty.
Not.
Not! He said not.
You know what, though, I am quite sad about how this has
all turned out because a while ago, I wished that there were more
Asians in politics.
And it turned out I made a wish on a monkey's paw.
That didn't go so well!
Is that the saying, if you make a wish on a monkey's paw,
it goes badly?
Yeah, no, the saying goes, "If you make a wish on
"a monkey's paw, you get Rishi Sunak and Suella Braverman.”
Oh, right, yeah.
LAUGHTER
As part of the reshuffle, though, there was someone
who was appointed to the Cabinet as a sop to the right
of the party, who was that?
Esther McVey, who's on GB News.
But you won't know that because nobody watches...
So, to balance up the centrist politician, you have to get
a right-wing head-banger in.
Yes.
Actually, it's not for calling them head-bangers.
You have to get a right-wing spunk monkey in.
LAUGHTER
I've just got this vision of the monkey's paw.
Yeah.
AUDIENCE GROANS
That's in your heads!
You've disgusted yourself there.
Esther McVey, Minister Without Portfolio.
Oh, right.
But lots of people are calling her...
Yes.
And she is going to be, apparently...
...which, I'm pretty sure they did that last week on Gardeners' World.
RURAL ACCENT: Oh, yes, you've got a nasty bit
of wokery here, you have.
Who was that? Who spoke then?
OK, James Cleverly was accused by Labour's Yvette Cooper of calling
the Rwanda deportation plan...
And so, as a punishment, he's now been put in charge of it.
Right, right.
What else did James Cleverly get caught saying?
Someone asked a question in the Commons,
why has my constituency got these levels of poverty?
And a voice came back, "Because it's a shithole.”
LAUGHTER
It appears to be him, but he's denied it and said
it wasn't him and he wouldn't do that sort of thing.
Oh, but he has admitted saying the word "shit”, he said...
Yes.
"What I said was, shit MP."
Which - "hole" and "MP", very close.
Same thing, pretty much.
Very close. Shall we have a little look?
Yeah. Let's have a look.
Why are 34% of children in my constituency living in poverty?
MURMURING
UNCLEAR
Mr Speaker, it's this government...
LAUGHTER
Jeremy Hunt looks like he heard it.
Actually, James Cleverly is at the top of the charts
on the Conservative Home website.
Oh, I see.
Do you want to have a look at the poll?
Yeah, go on, then. Let's have a look at the poll.
As you've got it.
OLD CHART RUNDOWN MUSIC PLAYS
LAUGHTER
That is harsh on the Gove-meister, isn't it?
Yeah.
Rough on James Cleverly.
He's actually been putting a brave face on things.
Yes.
Because he recently arranged for himself and David Cameron
to show an eager young schoolboy around the sights
of London for the day.
LAUGHTER
He's so diddy, isn't he?
Look at him. Oh, bless his little heart.
Paul and Stephen... Yeah.
...you take a look at this.
Ah, yes, this is the gentleman who's just been elected
president of Argentina, whose nickname is El Loco.
He sort of turned up at political rallies wielding chainsaws.
There's a...
There's a fan of his.
There's a sort of election booth you couldn't possibly break into.
So, yeah, so he's come into power in Argentina
and he's a bit of 3, let's say, loose cannon.
He's going to, er...
Legalise the sale of human organs.
Yeah, we could learn a lot from him. Yeah.
He's a Tantric sex expert as well.
Is he?
I've never had sex with a Tantric, but I'm sure...
He ejaculates once every three months, he says.
Three months, yeah.
But that does last six weeks.
LAUGHTER
I think my favourite thing about him is that he went
to a medium to talk to his dead dog. Yes.
And the dog told him to run for president.
Really? Yeah.
His biographer, Juan Luis Gonzales, told the Times, "He's convinced
"that he can communicate with his dogs, that they can
"advise him in different areas.
"The dogs are a sort of Cabinet for him.
"He bounces ideas off them."
I've seen worse Cabinets.
A couple of dead dogs would really liven this one up.
You were right, Stephen.
He said he's going to get rid of restrictions on the sale
of guns and human organs.
Can't really see that being a problem.
He's out there.
I mean, he's no Liz Truss, but he's out there.
Well, I mean, you know, cos it's been illegal up to this point.
You know, you'd have to go down dark alleyways
and someone would come up, "Here, do you want to buy
a couple of lungs?”
So, now you can do it out in the open.
"They're my last two." Yeah, yeah, exactly, yeah.
He looks like a Wolverine, is one of the things they say.
Javier Milei, he makes a great washing machines?
I mean, he's certainly got a lot of energy and enthusiasm.
Here he is before he was elected, promoting a book at
a literary festival.
MUSIC PLAYS
HE SHOUTS
I've been to a few literary festivals in my time.
And they're all like that.
They're all like that.
The leader of the second-largest economy in South America.
So reassuring.
Soon to be the fourth-largest economy.
Which surprising political figure has Milei expressed
his admiration for?
Mrs Thatcher.
Absolutely right. Which goes down well in Argentina.
Mm-hm.
Also in international news, what did Joe Biden celebrate this week?
Er, the first weekly hasn't fallen over for a year.
-- Week he hasn't fallen over.
He confused Britney and Taylor Swift.
Oh, how embarrassing!
HE MOCK LAUGHS
We should just point out, lan, that Britney is not
a holiday destination.
Just point that out.
It's his birthday. His birthday.
Now, of course, lots of Democrats are trying to avoid focusing
on the fact that he's now 81.
But not his social media team, because here he is with a cake.
He's going to burn down the White House.
STEPHEN: He's set fire to Donald Trump's hair.
This is the new president of Argentina, Javier Milei.
According to the Times, he owns four dogs named
after free-market economists.
Sadly, one of them was recently put down.
Poor little Kwasi.
Javier Milei has a Masters in Economics, and is also a Tantric
sex guru who says he ejaculates every three months.
Yeah.
So, like most government economic forecasts, he comes quarterly.
GROANS AND LAUGHTER
Nice.
APPLAUSE
And so to Round 2.
It's a new round, it's the Equation Of News.
Can I just point out at this point, I've got CSE Grade 5 Maths?
What I'm going to do... Yeah.
I'm going to show you... Yeah.
...some topical equations.
You're wasting your time with me.
It's your own time you're wasting, all right?
Sorry.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
We get paid by the hour.
Find X and tell me what story it relates to.
Paul and Stephen, you are going first.
Here is your equation of news.
I want you to tell me what X is.
Oh, film, Napoleon, and Ridley Scott.
Is this about the French saying that the film
is a load of old rubbish...
Yes.
...and it's not historically accurate?
Ridley said, "Go boil your faces." Yes.
This is the news that Ridley Scott's new film, Napoleon,
has been received by the French with a "Bof".
They have said that the film epic about Napoleon Bonaparte
is full of historical inaccuracies and inconsistencies.
Anyone know what some of those claimed inaccuracies are?
That he lived in Milton Keynes.
Isn't there a scene where he fires a cannonball at the pyramids?
There is.
There absolutely is.
Thing is, as a fan of history... Yeah.
...I would like to say to Ridley that it is wrong
to get the facts wrong.
Mm.
But, as an actor looking for work, I'd like to say to Ridley...
LAUGHTER
...I know he's casting Gladiator 2 at the moment.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Ridley, I look really good in a leather skirt and sandals, so...
LAUGHTER
PERSON CHEERS
Are you prepared to wear it at the audition?
I'm wearing it now.
What is one hint that Ridley Scott might not share the view of some
French historians when it comes to Napoleon?
Didn't he say to them, "You weren't there"?
Yeah. Yes, that's right, he did say that.
Which, again, is a good defence, but then,
I suppose he wasn't, either. No.
I mean, he's been around a long time, but...
I guess it also invalidates the whole of history,
when you think about it.
Didn't he say, "The French don't like the film, the French don't
even like themselves"?
He absolutely did.
He also addressed the French historians in an interview
with the Times, saying, "Excuse me, mate, were you there?"
Adding...
Say what you like about Ridley Scott, but he knows
how to give a quote.
This is Ridley Scott's Napoleon film, which has been criticised
for its historical discrepancies.
Some scholars have even argued that such is Ridley Scott's disregard
for historical fact that when it comes to Waterloo, the ABBA
version is more accurate.
All right, here is your equation of news, lan and Zing.
I want you to find X and tell me what story it relates to.
This is the Covid enquiry about parties, and it's
all Boris Johnson's fault.
Absolutely right.
Evidence from the Covid enquiry that suggests that Boris Johnson
isn't quite as smart as we all thought he was.
Shocker.
What did Boris struggle with during the pandemic?
Everything. Mm-hm.
Fidelity. Graphs.
Graphs, absolutely right.
They're big, tall animals that chew on trees.
Boris Johnson struggled with the shape of an exponential
curve but recreated it 18 months later with some of his government's
ministerial resignations. Have a look at this.
Yeah.
Just important for me to say, that's still not an exponential curve.
It's not, is it?
But, hey, why let mathematical facts get in the way of a good joke?
Right. Well, you weren't there.
Boris kept referring to graphs that look like Sombreros.
He really liked that.
Should have gone for Napoleon's hat.
It's a bell curve, isn't it?
MUTTERS: Or a bell end.
How did Patrick Valiance...
LAUGHTER
Sorry?
You whisper these remarks, but they're all picked
up on the microphone.
Yeah.
What did Valiance say that Boris Johnson could only
hold on to for a bit and then it goes?
BOTH: Relationships?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
It's information.
Information, apparently.
So, are we coming onto Rishi Sunak and his Eat Out To Help Out?
Or, as it was known at the time, Show Up And Throw Up.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
There is one example of Johnson's struggles with science, though,
because he found the difference between absolute and relative risk
almost impossible to understand.
So, Paul, do you know the difference between absolute and relative risk?
Yes, I do.
LAUGHTER
The absolute risk is that you sort of wonder who's coming
round to your Christmas party, and then the relative
risk is, they turn up.
How did Patrick Valiance throw fellow scientist and lectern
enthusiast Chris Whitty under the bus?
Very politely. It's pretty spicy.
Is it?
For the science world, I think this is pretty spicy, yeah.
It says the former chief scientific adviser said that Chris Whitty
was too slow on the first lockdown, and described him as a "delayer"”.
Oh, no.
How can you put that on our screens?
You know what?
I'm the same.
OK, well, given that the Valiance had cost out Whitty...
-- cussed out.
What did Whitty say in return?
He's a for-kit?
He just said, "Yeah, fair enough."
So, this is the Covid inquiry which heard the shocking
revelation that science wasn't Boris Johnson's forte.
Sir Chris Whitty told the inquiry that in the early days of Covid,
"Mistakes were made at the Cheltenham Festival."
Specifically that he'd put 20 quid on Lucky Boy in the 2:30.
OK, one last Equation of News.
This one is up for grabs for all of you.
Find x. Tell me what story it relates to.
It's a bag of tools that was dropped from the Space Station
and is circling the Earth.
Apparently you could see it this week if the sun was catching it
in the right direction.
You could see the tool bag going across the sky.
LAUGHTER
I wouldn't make up something like that.
The Telegraph reports that the next chance for Brits to go and see it
should be on Friday evening. So what are you guys waiting for?
Builders everywhere going, "I can't finish it, my tool bag's
in space orbiting the Earth."
LAUGHTER
Do you want to see the moment when it
fell from their grasp? I think I do.
I saw it before but let's see it again.
There it is. There it goes.
"Oh, shit," he's gone, "Look." One tool slip for a man.
One tool slip.
Is that so they can put a "there are no tools stored in the space
station overnight" sign?
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.
It's time now for the Odd One Out Round.
Only one between you this week.
So your four are - Davina McCall, lain Duncan Smith,
Alex James and Noel Edmonds.
BELL
They're all back.
That makes them the odd one out, does it?
LAUGHTER
They're all back.
They're all back except lain Duncan Smith.
Er, no. Alex James makes cheese.
Davina McCall likes cheese. Likes cheese.
Noel Edmonds is made of cheese. Yeah.
He's pure Edam. He's pure Edam.
OK, you are not on the right track.
Oh. Shall I give you a clue?
OK. Yeah, go on, then.
You might as well. Is it falling out with neighbours?
Ooh. Yeah, falling out with neighbours.
Cos Noel Edmonds has moved to New Zealand and has been slightly
tetchy with his neighbours.
Davina McCall lives in Guernsey and has murdered
everybody on the island.
LAUGHTER
You'd better tell us.
OK, all right.
All of them have upset people from other countries apart
from Davina McCall who is upset with herself for inflicting
Donald Trump on the US.
She claims that her stint as the host of Big Brother led
to the explosion of reality TV shows that thrust people like Donald Trump
into the limelight.
Davina, if you're listening, it's not your fault.
On the other hand, I think it is.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
That's the BBC, it's balanced, you see,
you get both sides. Balanced.
Both sides.
How else does Davina centralise herself
in the narrative of world history?
She started the First World War by murdering Archduke Ferdinand.
He was the first one voted out of the Big Brother house.
Yeah.
No, she does at least accept responsibility for this.
Now, would you like me to be the cat?
Delicious.
Why have you shown us that?
LAUGHTER
I had to watch that four times today in the rehearsals.
Did you? Oh, man.
Brutal.
Where you get your kicks has got nothing to do with me.
LAUGHTER
How did Blur bassist and cheese magnate Alex James
upset another country?
He said their cheese was bad. Ooh.
He ticked off the French by claiming that brie was actually invented
in Ireland and that champagne was actually developed in Somerset.
Oh. Yeah.
He's done too many drugs.
LAUGHTER
Or not enough.
Balanced BBC. Balance.
LAUGHTER
who's lain Duncan Smith upset, though?
I mean, lately?
It's a country, remember.
Oh, a country, yeah. Oh, China.
China, perfect.
China. China.
He has upset China.
He has called for their exclusion at international summits,
including Rishi Sunak's recent Al gathering.
According to lain Duncan Smith, China are dominant
in the world of Al.
They are world leaders in deep fake video manipulation which can alter
footage in real time and the Chinese Communist Party
is brilliant, it really is, and they're great guys as well.
LAUGHTER
Right, what country has Noel Edmonds caused trouble in?
New Zealand. Absolutely right.
He spent over £14 million buying up properties
in order to create his own village. Do you know what he's calling it?
Crinkley Bottom. If only!
It's called River Haven.
It should be Crinkley Bottom, though, I entirely agree.
Who has Noel fallen out with, then? The council.
With the council, the local council.
They wanted to put a bike track through a corner
of his land to avoid a motorway to which Noel Edmonds
reasonably responded, "You need your heads cutting off
and your brains replaced.”
Would you like to see an image here of Crinkley Bottom?
Yes. Yes, please.
Yes, please, yes.
Why are you showing us this stuff?
LAUGHTER
OK, time now for the Missing Words Round.
So we're going to start with, "Woman says she can't drive to work
because what is stopping her?"
Oh, I know this one.
It's a 600-kilo seal.
It is a 600-kilo seal.
Well done.
APPLAUSE
Here is a picture of Neil the seal after breaking
in to the property in Tasmania.
And to add insult to injury, when she tried and failed
to manoeuvre past him he just started clapping.
LAUGHTER
Next up...
Clearly he's not in the way because between the car
and the brick wall lies the seal.
Yeah. It's bullshit.
It's absolute bullshit.
Or is it all true?
Bullshit or true?
APPLAUSE
Next, "Bucket list for Brits over 50 includes what and what?"
Getting better at bridge and tennis.
Getting a GP appointment.
It's actually, "Bucket list for Brits over 50 "includes cuddling
a tiger and taking part in an orgy."
You can mix the two up, you know?
Whipsnade Friday night.
Ask for the man in the striped pyjamas.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Oh, now I see why they call you a man-eater.
LAUGHTER
And finally, scientific research claims
what are the best lovers?
Scientists. Scientists.
We've done it again!
LAUGHTER
We did it again! And it's right!
It absolutely is.
Oh, it is right.
LAUGHTER
Even better.
This research was extensively peer-reviewed towards the end
of last year's NASA Christmas party.
And so the final scores are - lan and Zing have four,
Paul and Stephen have seven.
Oh, well done. And you got them all right!
But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.
Ian and Zing, you have this.
“I'm afraid I left the tool bag in space."
"OK, it's a deal, 30 quid for the chair.”
And Paul and Stephen get that.
Well, the doctor on the right is saying, "Well, the good news
is there's nothing wrong with your teeth.”
LAUGHTER
Is the man saying, "Did you eat the rest of my beard?"
LAUGHTER
On which note, we say thank you to our panel lists,
lan Hislop and Zing Tsjeng, Paul Merton and Stephen Mangan
and I leave you with the news that in Georgia Donald Trump's campaign
team deny claims they have dumbed down his slogan
for his most avid supporters.
LAUGHTER
In the early hours of a Soho dawn, there is a slight awkwardness
following an adult game as it appears the keys to the handcuffs
have gone missing.
LAUGHTER
And in Westminster, one local resident hurriedly looks to relocate
after hearing the worrying news that David Cameron is back in town.
LAUGHTER
Goodnight.
I'll complain about the pig Cameron joke.
It just isn't true. No.
I mean, there's a lot to go for Cameron over.
He didn't lock pigs, he screwed the whole country.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
And that's the bit they'll use after the credits.