1 00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:13,255 This program me contains very strong language 2 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:33,295 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. 3 00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:39,735 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE. 4 00:00:39,760 --> 00:00:45,575 Good evening, and welcome. 5 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:47,575 To Have I Got News For You. 6 00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:48,615 I'm Jo Brand. 7 00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:50,775 In the news this week, on his extended leave 8 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:52,455 from government, hapless Cabinet Secretary Simon Case 9 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:57,215 does some volunteering at his local hospital. 10 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:18,495 On a visit to a Scout camp in Yorkshire, there's an awkward 11 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:21,135 moment as one visitor asks if this is how all Northern 12 00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:24,015 people cook their food. 13 00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:29,735 SCATTERED APPLAUSE. 14 00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:35,255 And in Old Windsor, a power-mad local official 15 00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:42,175 authorises the demolition of Prince Andrew's rented cottage. 16 00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:52,375 APPLAUSE. 17 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:55,415 On tan's team tonight is a comedian whose first job 18 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:58,295 was working in a jam factory, a place where all the employees 19 00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:01,535 loved their work, unlike the Marmite factory next door, where it was more 20 00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:03,975 sort of 50/50. 21 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,735 Will you please welcome Zoe Lyons! 22 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:12,015 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. 23 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:15,055 And on Paul's team tonight is a former punk rocker 24 00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:17,535 with The Undertones and now campaigner against pollution 25 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:20,895 in Britain's rivers, who spends a lot of his spare time fly-fishing. 26 00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:23,935 In fact, last week, he caught a massive 16-pounder. 27 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:28,655 Unfortunately, it wasn't a fish. 28 00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:30,455 Will you please welcome Feargal Sharkey! 29 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:33,615 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. 30 00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:37,215 Thank you. 31 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,855 So, we begin with the bigger news stories of the week. 32 00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:43,615 Paul and Feargal, have a look at this. 33 00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:46,735 PAUL: Ah, yes, this is the man that used to be Prime Minister, 34 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:49,135 and this the man who wanted to be Prime Minister. 35 00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:50,455 This is the Covid inquiry. 36 00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:53,295 When the C-word was dropped, he was on screen, appropriately. 37 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:55,895 Dominic Cummings was giving evidence, talking 38 00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:58,615 about what an absolute, er, mess the whole government 39 00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:02,015 approach to Covid was, worse than people even realised 40 00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:04,335 at the time, an absolute disaster. 41 00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:07,815 This is the shocking revelation that the Government was rubbish. 42 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:10,335 Who knew? 43 00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:14,055 We certainly had no idea. 44 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:15,975 There was actually more sewage in Number Ten 45 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:17,655 than there is currently in our rivers! 46 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:18,695 Boom-boom! 47 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:20,495 APPLAUSE. 48 00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:22,135 So true! 49 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,375 Here's the top-dog lawyer at the inquiry who asks 50 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:25,695 all the questions. Yes. 51 00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:27,295 He's called Keith. Yeah. 52 00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:31,055 Now, Keith the barrister was getting some easy laughs from reading out 53 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:35,455 swear words in a posh voice. Yes. 54 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:37,615 We'd never stoop to such a thing, would we? 55 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:38,895 No. No. 56 00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:42,255 This was going out at 11:30 in the morning on the BBC News Channel. 57 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:44,815 I've never seen so many expletives on daytime telly. 58 00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:48,055 You're about to hear some more. 59 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:51,015 Who can tell me - what is...? 60 00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:56,455 Jaws mode wank is when you've wanked so much you're 61 00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:59,015 going to need a bigger boat. 62 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:02,175 APPLAUSE. 63 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:05,615 A film reference! 64 00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:07,535 This is what Cummings said that Boris Johnson, 65 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:10,415 if he's not, you know, efficiently policed, 66 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:15,215 he just spouts rubbish, and the Jaws reference is Boris 67 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:18,975 thought that the hero of Jaws was the mayor 68 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:22,975 who keeps the beach open. Yes. 69 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:24,895 But he was quite relaxed about old people. 70 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:28,015 He just sort of said they've come to the end of their lives, 71 00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:29,695 they might as well just die. Yeah! 72 00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:32,895 And then the others had to point out, "They vote for you." 73 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:35,295 But watching Cummings give evidence, it's terrible, because Cummings has 74 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,655 learnt absolutely nothing. He's equally arrogant. 75 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:40,495 And then he starts calling other people liars, and you think, 76 00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:46,015 "You're the man who gave us the story "about having your 77 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,655 "eyesight tested in a car when you were breaking the rules.” 78 00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:53,815 He still doesn't admit he was breaking the rules. 79 00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:56,615 I just thought, "I don't care if I agree with 80 00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:58,535 "everything else you say - you're a liar!" 81 00:04:58,560 --> 00:04:59,735 I mean, I must admit... 82 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:00,775 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. 83 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:01,815 You're right. 84 00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:04,215 If this government goes on much longer, I wouldn't actually 85 00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:10,095 mind dying that much. 86 00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:13,135 When he was giving evidence, I don't know what a body-language expert 87 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:16,015 would say, but he kept his hand in front of his mouth 88 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:17,055 most of the time. 89 00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:20,175 I think probably even later he'll try and deny it was him talking. 90 00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:22,815 When he first was in the middle of the Covid thing, 91 00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:26,015 Paul asked at one point, "Why on Earth is this man, 92 00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:29,095 "who's entirely unelected, dictating policy on vaccines or, 93 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:30,935 "indeed, on lockdown or anything else?” 94 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,815 It beggars belief that he could sit there writing a WhatsApp message 95 00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:38,095 saying, "Let's get rid of Matt Hancock. 96 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,495 "Let's sack the head of the NHS. Let's sack everybody." 97 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:41,815 Says who?! 98 00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:46,135 But in your current guise of a 1950s East End gangster... 99 00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:49,935 ...do you think you should "pay him a visit"? 100 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:53,535 Yeah, I'd like to go round and give him an eyesight test! 101 00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:58,535 APPLAUSE. 102 00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:02,575 Now, brace yourselves. Yeah. 103 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,095 What about...? 104 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:06,495 Terrible firm of solicitors. 105 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:08,575 APPLAUSE. 106 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:13,095 Whichever one you get, you wish you'd spoken to the other. 107 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:15,495 When I saw that, I thought Fuckpig did greetings cards. 108 00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:20,535 Yes, those lovely words were Cummings's assessment 109 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:22,255 of the various talents in the Cabinet. 110 00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:25,295 It gave newsreaders at Sky who were covering the proceedings 111 00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:27,535 live a bit of a challenge. 112 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:30,815 You called ministers "useless fuckpigs... 113 00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:32,855 !.morons... 114 00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:34,895 "..cunts..." 115 00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:39,215 ...in emails and WhatsApps to your professional colleagues. 116 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:44,575 And apologies from us for those who may be offended by the language. 117 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:48,455 I'm afraid we have no control over it. 118 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,375 So, does anyone know what Helen MacNamara said 119 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:53,015 about the decision to allow football to continue at the beginning 120 00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:55,015 of the pandemic? 121 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:57,215 Her complaint was there were no women, so all 122 00:06:57,240 --> 00:06:58,215 the discussions were about, 123 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:00,135 "Shall we allow football? Shall we have hunting? 124 00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:02,055 "Shall we allow shooting? What shall we do?" 125 00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:03,735 And then someone in the back saying, 126 00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:06,775 "Schools. Schools...? 127 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:08,695 "No? Care homes?" 128 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:11,695 "Facemasks that actually fit women properly." 129 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:14,375 She also said that there wasn't one day in Downing Street 130 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:16,975 when the rules were observed... Yeah. 131 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,375 Absolutely. 132 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:21,775 ...which means that everything Boris Johnson said in his various 133 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:24,455 witness statements isn't true. Can you believe that...? 134 00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:29,815 I looked at it and I thought, "This is a bombshell revelation here." 135 00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:33,935 What indication of his indecisiveness did Cummings provide 136 00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:36,575 in his written statement to the inquiry? 137 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:38,655 Calling him a trolley. 138 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:39,695 It wasn't. 139 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:43,055 It was the fact that Boris Johnson had circulated a video on a WhatsApp 140 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:45,975 group of a possible method of killing the coronavirus before 141 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,455 it got to the lungs. 142 00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:52,455 It's a video of a Florida County Council meeting where one 143 00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:53,855 of the commissioners suggests this. 144 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:57,135 Keep an eye on the man on the left. 145 00:07:57,160 --> 00:08:02,775 He said, "It sounds really goofy, "and it did to me, 146 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:04,815 "too, but it works." 147 00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:07,055 Once the temperature reaches 136 degrees Fahrenheit, 148 00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:09,975 the virus falls apart and just disintegrates, OK? 149 00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:14,135 And I said, "well, how would you get the temperature up to 132 degrees?” 150 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:17,695 The answer was you use a blow dryer, because it's capable of doing that. 151 00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:21,055 So you hold a blow dryer in front of your face and you inhale. 152 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:26,615 STUDIO LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH. 153 00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:29,655 To be fair, if Boris Johnson was shoving a blow 154 00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:32,535 dryer up his nose, it explains why he had that superb bouffant 155 00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:33,775 for all of those years. 156 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:36,975 There have been suggestions that the Government was hampered 157 00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:39,135 from helping vulnerable people by the lack of diversity 158 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:40,175 in Downing Street. 159 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:43,535 Oh, I don't know, let's have a look at some typical 160 00:08:43,560 --> 00:08:46,775 Downing Street workers, shall we? 161 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:49,695 ZOE: That's unnerving! 162 00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:52,535 That's a very diverse range of bulbous foreheads, isn't it? 163 00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:55,095 Yeah! 164 00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:57,375 They're all here to take over our planet. 165 00:08:57,400 --> 00:09:00,855 Matt Hancock we saw on the end there. 166 00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:01,895 Yes. 167 00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:05,255 He came in for quite a bit of stick, not just at the inquiry 168 00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:06,695 but on Channel 4's SAS thing. 169 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:09,335 Would you like to see a bit of it? Yes, please. 170 00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:10,375 Oh, yes! Yes, please! 171 00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:11,895 Take these off. 172 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:15,175 OK. 173 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:17,135 NARRATOR: The final recruit in for processing 174 00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:19,935 is number one, Matt. 175 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:24,775 Oh, dear. 176 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:27,975 Can you see me? No. 177 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:31,655 Why can't you see me? Cos I've still got a bag on my head. 178 00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:33,815 So, I told you to take these things off. 179 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,495 Sorry, I thought you meant just those. 180 00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:39,335 APPLAUSE. 181 00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:41,735 Now, Zoe, you were on the same series, weren't you? 182 00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:43,175 Did you get off with him? 183 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:45,455 Oh, you know I did. 184 00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:47,295 Was he a weasel-faced country club? 185 00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:53,455 APPLAUSE. 186 00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:56,495 I'll be honest, I went into that show with an open mind, 187 00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:58,895 because I thought, "I'll take people as I see them. 188 00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:00,815 "I will go in with an open mind." 189 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:02,975 And within 30 seconds, my mind had shut, snap, 190 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,935 again like a startled scallop. 191 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:07,415 He volunteered, didn't he, to be the person that said 192 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,015 whether people should live or die? 193 00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:10,735 If the hospital was too crowded,"Let me. 194 00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:12,415 "I'll do that. I can do that.” 195 00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:13,455 Yeah. 196 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:15,615 They said, "Should it be the Chief Medical Officer, 197 00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:17,535 "or should it be decided by the public...?" 198 00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:19,455 "No, no, no," he said, "I'll do that.” 199 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:20,495 Yeah. "Me, Matt.” 200 00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,375 Now, what's happened to Matt Hancock's intimate cubbyhole? 201 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,375 Oh, wow. 202 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:27,935 I did see that once in the shed in Vietnam. 203 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,575 This program me was in Vietnam? 204 00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:32,695 I'll be honest, I thought I'd applied for A Place In The Sun. 205 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,495 It was a misunderstanding. 206 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:36,415 The nookie cupboard, where he was filmed grappling 207 00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:38,815 with a woman who wasn't his wife, has been demolished, 208 00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:41,655 like Fred West's house, apparently. 209 00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:45,495 GROANS IN AUDIENCE. 210 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:48,375 Where might Nigel Farage be spending the winter? 211 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:49,975 Australia. 212 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:52,535 "I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!" 213 00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:54,775 Sorry, it's the name of the program me, not my 214 00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:55,815 current way of thinking. 215 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:58,855 ITV bosses offered him... 216 00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:04,535 I'm guessing cash, in case he loses his bank account again. 217 00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:10,895 Farage has admitted the discussions, saying... 218 00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:15,855 The difference is him talking bollocks and eating 219 00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:17,935 bollocks, though, isn't it? 220 00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:21,535 I think with Farage in the Jungle and Boris not starting till January, 221 00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:27,015 we'll just have to savour moments like this one while we can. 222 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:30,055 It's time for Bell & Spurting! 223 00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:35,815 CHEERING. 224 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,895 # Can we walk...the soft sea air? 225 00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:41,815 # It's cancel culture, it's just not fair 226 00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:43,015 BOTH, THE TUNE OF DELILAH: 227 00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:46,255 # Why, why, why... 228 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:50,055 # ..deny us? 229 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:55,295 # GB News is not biased... # 230 00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:58,335 Jedward have let themselves go, haven't they? 231 00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:04,575 APPLAUSE. 232 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:05,855 So, there we go. 233 00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:08,615 This is the Covid inquiry, whose principal aim is that... 234 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:12,015 The main lesson being make sure you delete your WhatsApp messages. 235 00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:16,655 The main lesson being make sure you delete your WhatsApp messages. 236 00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:20,495 According to the Independent, the inquiry has produced... 237 00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:23,535 Boris Johnson was considered unfit to govern, the Cabinet 238 00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:26,535 was bitterly divided and Dominic Cummings hated everyone. 239 00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:31,735 And there was also a series of startling new revelations. 240 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:34,495 Ian and Zoe, take a look at this. 241 00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:37,695 Oh, that's the march in London. 242 00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:39,535 Oh, yeah, this is the war... 243 00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:41,455 ...in the Labour Party. 244 00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:44,335 And this is us trying to... Work out how we're going to... 245 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:47,535 Answer this question! Yes! 246 00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:49,935 This is Keir Starmer toing and froing with his point 247 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:52,095 of view on the current Gaza/israei situation. 248 00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:54,495 Indeed. 249 00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:57,375 And the problem is he doesn't want to say there's a ceasefire, 250 00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,015 because, according to Israel, that means the end of the war. 251 00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:04,175 And the US President says, "Can we have a pause?” 252 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:07,535 And the UN says, "Can we have a ceasefire?" 253 00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:10,095 So it's the difference between having a pause 254 00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:12,295 where you stop firing and a ceasefire, where 255 00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:16,095 you cease.. firing. 256 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:18,895 Joe Biden said, "We need a pause," as well. 257 00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:19,935 Yes. 258 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:22,815 So that might have been because he was halfway up the stairs. 259 00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:27,055 The views on this, they're very difficult to articulate 260 00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:31,495 without annoying everybody, which...I'm sure I've just done. 261 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:35,335 What is Kier Starmer's argument against a ceasefire? 262 00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:38,095 Well, he says if there's a ceasefire, we'll stay 263 00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:41,775 in a static situation, therefore allowing Hamas... 264 00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:45,575 To sort of regroup and... 265 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:46,615 Yeah. 266 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:49,255 But the others are saying that doesn't necessarily mean that - 267 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:52,135 the pause is to negotiate further with the hostages and to try 268 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:53,575 and get some aid into Gaza. 269 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,975 And I think the argument, for him, is he doesn't 270 00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:57,415 want to be Jeremy Corbyn. Mm. 271 00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,495 You know, which is perfectly reasonable. 272 00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:03,175 And he wants to keep a party together that doesn't lose. 273 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:07,215 Well, his speech was supposed to calm tensions in his own party. 274 00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:10,575 He got heckled on the way out, and here are some of the protesters 275 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:12,255 who were waiting for him. 276 00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:14,615 "Starmer's ham." 277 00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,695 Not sure that'll go down well. 278 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:20,455 Who else has been criticised in relation to the Hamas attacks? 279 00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:25,495 Well, Hamas, which is probably a good thing. 280 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,935 Iran, for backing them. 281 00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:31,095 It's actually South Yorkshire's AXB paramotoring group, 282 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:37,535 who upset a local woman, and this led to the headline... 283 00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:43,735 Wow! 284 00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:48,255 Who has the BBC upset with their news coverage? 285 00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:51,895 Oh, sorry, we simply don't have time to get through a list that long. 286 00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:56,855 Now, the good news is that the BBC Director-General Tim Davie has 287 00:14:56,880 --> 00:15:01,415 taken direct control of editorial complaints. 288 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:04,735 So if you don't like anything you've seen in today's program me, 289 00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:06,135 then drop Tim a line. 290 00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:08,935 I know he'll be delighted to hear from you. 291 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:13,615 And his email is... 292 00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:18,335 What's the good news for Rishi Sunak? 293 00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:19,535 It's not a trick question. 294 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:21,095 There actually is a glimmer. 295 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,975 Has he finally got a pair of trousers that fit him properly? 296 00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:27,495 Winter's coming and his ankles will be cold. 297 00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:31,015 According to the Guardian, a split over Gaza could see Labour 298 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:35,935 haemorrhage crucial left-wing votes to obscure, fringe political parties 299 00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:41,335 like George Galloway's Workers Party of Britain, or even more shockingly, 300 00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:44,375 the Lib Dems. 301 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:47,855 Feargal, you grew up in Derry. 302 00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:51,055 Is partition a good idea, in your opinion? 303 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,935 Well, this is the 25th anniversary of the Good Friday Agreement. 304 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:57,455 For 25 years, the people of Northern Ireland have been able 305 00:15:57,480 --> 00:16:01,415 to prosper and grow and blossom and have discovered that this thing, 306 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:05,295 peace, is a very delicate, beautiful little flower that needs 307 00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:08,895 nurturing, caressing and supporting. 308 00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:13,735 I do wish that the people of Gaza and Palestine and Israel get 309 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:19,655 to discover what 25 years of peace, prosperity and diplomacy 310 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:23,015 and democracy looks like, and that those people can blossom 311 00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:25,935 into a much more confident, much brighter future 312 00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:27,535 for everyone involved. 313 00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:28,735 It's worked for Northern Ireland. 314 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:32,015 APPLAUSE. 315 00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:36,495 Well done, well spoken. Thank you. 316 00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:39,375 So, this is the conflict in Gaza and the, let's be honest, 317 00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,535 slightly less important conflict in the Labour Party. 318 00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:46,135 London Mayor Sadiq Khan has called for a ceasefire to prevent tanks 319 00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:47,655 rolling into the Gaza Strip. 320 00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:51,615 And if that doesn't stop them, he's going to declare Gaza a Ulez zone. 321 00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:57,735 And so to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz. 322 00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:02,495 Fingers on buzzers, teams, if you know the answer. 323 00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:09,935 BUZZER. 324 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:13,055 This is a story that I saw the other day that said, apparently, 325 00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:15,455 somebody has determined that cats have over 100 different expressions. 326 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:20,175 I would like to see each one of those 100 different expressions. 327 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:24,815 I mean, that one's obviously enjoying a visit to the vets. 328 00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:30,335 Yeah, they have 270. No, they don't! 329 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:31,695 Yes, they do! No! 330 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:34,335 Every cat looks like this. 331 00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:35,695 Yeah. 332 00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:39,815 How do they count? I don't know, Paul. 333 00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:41,335 You don't know? No. 334 00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:44,615 How did researchers find this out? 335 00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:46,495 Well, this is what we're asking you. 336 00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:47,615 No, no... 337 00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:49,895 Number one, nostalgic. 338 00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:50,935 Second, patriotic. 339 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:53,815 Three, slightly disappointed there's no fish for breakfast. 340 00:17:53,840 --> 00:18:00,215 Four, watching GB News. 341 00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:03,255 Five, presenting GB News. 342 00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:06,695 "No viewers?!" 343 00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:09,975 "Not even one? 344 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:13,335 "Phwoar! Brruhh!" 345 00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:16,895 Yes, it was a study involving 53 cats in a Los Angeles cafe. 346 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:19,455 Oh, well, that's an exhaustive study! 347 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:20,495 Absolutely. 348 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:24,255 So, let's just try and see if we can guess any of these cats' emotions. 349 00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:27,375 Yes, let's do it. Yeah, OK, absolutely, yeah. 350 00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:28,415 OK. 351 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:29,455 Number one. 352 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,735 Yeah. 353 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:33,415 ZOE: That's not where it should be! 354 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:34,455 Yeah. 355 00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:35,975 "I miss the Bee Gees." 356 00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:41,015 Well, that's friendly, because it's got its ears turned 357 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:43,375 slightly down, apparently. 358 00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:44,415 Oh, right. OK. 359 00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:45,415 All right. 360 00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:46,775 The next one. 361 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:48,895 "What do you do?" Yeah. 362 00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:55,575 Is Therese Coffey saying, "Tonight, Larry the Cat, this is your life"? 363 00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:58,615 This is the news that cats have many more facial expressions 364 00:18:58,640 --> 00:18:59,775 than previously realised. 365 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,815 No, they don't! 366 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:05,495 We've proved that! 367 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:10,175 Cats have 276 facial expressions, 276 of which are "Fuck off." 368 00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:16,455 Anyway... 369 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:19,575 Have we got Dominic Cummings in?! 370 00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:21,735 I always wondered what the last episode of this 371 00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:23,575 show would look like. 372 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:30,095 Fingers on buzzers, teams. 373 00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:34,215 BUZZER 374 00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:35,215 Oh! 375 00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:37,095 God, that robot's at a really odd height. 376 00:19:37,120 --> 00:19:43,735 Um... Is this the Al conference? 377 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:46,775 Yes, it is. Yes. 378 00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:49,415 I mean, I've been worried about this for quite some time, 379 00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:51,575 because about seven years ago, I bought a toaster, 380 00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:55,695 and when I got it out of the box, I realised it had seven settings, 381 00:19:55,720 --> 00:20:01,575 and I thought, "Crikey, that's probably more "emotionally 382 00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:04,575 “intelligent than I'll ever be." So... 383 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:07,255 This is the news that Rishi Sunak is hosting a summit 384 00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:08,295 about artificial intelligence. 385 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:10,175 Who opened the summit? Was it Elon Musk? 386 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:12,815 He was there, but it was opened by someone on video. 387 00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:14,295 Was it Christopher Biggins? 388 00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:18,015 King Charles. That's right. 389 00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:21,095 Appeared in a video message, saying that the world's leaders must 390 00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:23,975 address the risk of Al in the same way they sought to 391 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,575 tackle climate change. 392 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,455 With that level of urgency? 393 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:31,735 Yeah, so ignore it, then, basically. 394 00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:34,135 And you've already said, the answer to this, lan - 395 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:36,055 who was the big name attending the summit? 396 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:39,415 Christopher Biggins. 397 00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:41,335 Elon Musk. 398 00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:42,375 Yes. 399 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:43,455 He's turned up. 400 00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:45,495 I mean, again, why? 401 00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:47,255 I mean, he owns Twitter... 402 00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:49,095 X. lan, keep up! 403 00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:50,335 x. 404 00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:51,375 Oh, yes. 405 00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:52,615 Ian's very big on MySpace. 406 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:55,495 Is he? Yeah. 407 00:20:55,520 --> 00:21:01,775 I hope I don't know what that means. 408 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,935 Rishi Sunak is keen to show that he has the ear of all 409 00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:07,095 the biggest names in Al, but whose expertise should 410 00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:08,335 he really be tapping into? 411 00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:12,175 It is Christopher Biggins, I know! 412 00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:13,535 You're not that far off. 413 00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:16,095 It's Cliff Richard. 414 00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:18,255 Because during an interview with the BBC... 415 00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:20,215 No-one mention helicopters. 416 00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:24,695 ...he showed that he really has a firm grasp of modern technology. 417 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:26,775 Here we go. 418 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:29,615 # Sitting down there with my...strumming 419 00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:32,015 # I could see the people for miles around coming 420 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:37,415 # To hear me sing my music and play, yay, yay.# 421 00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:38,455 Delightful. 422 00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:39,895 Thank you, cliff. OK, thank you. 423 00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:41,215 Really nice chatting. Thank you. 424 00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:42,815 And I didn't use artificial insemination. 425 00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:49,775 LAUGHTER. 426 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:55,615 This is the Bletchley Park summit on the implications 427 00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,295 of artificial intelligence and its possible threat 428 00:21:57,320 --> 00:21:59,655 to the human race. 429 00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:06,655 Said an iPhone. 430 00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:12,495 Time now for the Odd One Out round. 431 00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:13,935 Just one between you this week. 432 00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:17,135 Your four are Vladimir Putin, Jeremy Corbyn, King George IV, 433 00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:20,175 and Taylor Swift. 434 00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:24,495 Is it George IV eyes keep dropping out and landing on his cloak? 435 00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:27,175 None of them are involved with Taylor Swift? 436 00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:29,735 Have I missed the news? 437 00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:32,135 During lockdown, I was in Battersea Park, and I went 438 00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:33,575 and had a cup of tea. 439 00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:35,255 What were you doing in Battersea Park? 440 00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:37,375 Oh, you and your stories! Yeah. 441 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,295 There was a paparazzi, and he was taking pictures. 442 00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:42,735 And I said, "What are you doing here? 443 00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:44,775 This is a bit desperate.” 444 00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:51,495 And he said, "I was sent out to find Taylor Swift." 445 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:52,695 Putin's the odd one out. 446 00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:57,775 He's the only one trying to look down her top. 447 00:22:57,840 --> 00:22:59,015 I'll give you a clue. 448 00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:01,895 It's something that a lot of people do on a night out, 449 00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:03,575 after they've come out of the pub. 450 00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:05,375 Buy a kebab? 451 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:07,655 Well, George IV never bought a kebab, did he? 452 00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:09,335 Oh, unless he invented them. 453 00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:12,215 Something you do, late night, after you come out of the pub? 454 00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:13,895 You go home and finish the crossword. 455 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:15,335 No. 456 00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:17,295 It is all about kebabs, yes. 457 00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:20,135 All the others love a kebab, apart from Jeremy Corbyn, 458 00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:23,775 who's vegetarian but loves his local kebab shop. 459 00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:29,055 This is what he told the crowd at the British Kebab Awards. 460 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:33,415 Now, no surprise Jeremy Corbyn likes Middle Eastern food. 461 00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:39,535 He's always been a big defender of hummus. 462 00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:42,575 So, how do we know that Taylor Swift is a kebab fan? 463 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:44,575 She was spotted in Hampstead. Eating a kebab. 464 00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:45,935 At a kebab shop. Yeah. 465 00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:47,135 She was, in Kentish Town. 466 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:49,735 You mean that she gets her kebabs from Kentish Delight? 467 00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:52,775 She's been once, at the very least, yeah. 468 00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:54,695 I should think most people have been once. 469 00:23:54,720 --> 00:24:00,495 According to the Telegraph, politicians from Chile, Hungary, 470 00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:05,495 Thailand and Canada have... 471 00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:13,655 Yeah, someone's done research into this. 472 00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:14,855 I think I read this. 473 00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:17,295 And your economy grows by an enormous percentage. 474 00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:19,735 Buying T-shirt and tickets...? 475 00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:21,615 Tickets and merch and... Merch? 476 00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:26,815 Where have you come by this phrase, "merch?" 477 00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:28,455 It comes from the biblical narrative. 478 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:33,895 There's gold, frankincense and merch. 479 00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:39,295 How does Vladimir Putin use kebabs to relax? 480 00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:42,615 Well, I'll tell you. 481 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:44,775 According to a local leader in Siberia, he unwinds 482 00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:46,935 by making a Russian type of kebab called shashlik. 483 00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:51,855 Russian president Vladimir Putin's favourite sandwich comprises... 484 00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:59,055 Otherwise known as the KGB. 485 00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:01,455 A major academic study into the menus served to Georgian 486 00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:04,815 kings has revealed they often feasted on foreign cuisine, 487 00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:05,855 including Turkish kebabs. 488 00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:07,935 Ah, brilliant. 489 00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:10,055 The Times reported that, at this time, the royals 490 00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:12,455 could also eat on... 491 00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:15,495 So, egg and chips. Yeah. 492 00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:20,855 Very good. 493 00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:27,015 we know that George Ill and George IV used to enjoy kebabs due 494 00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:30,455 to the tradition of... 495 00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:40,775 And still Andrew can't find that receipt for Pizza Express. 496 00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:46,255 OK, it's time now for the Missing Words Round, 497 00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:49,295 which this week features at its guest publication 498 00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:53,935 Allotment And Leisure Gardener. 499 00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:59,615 And we start with... 500 00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:02,655 "Thieving cat blamed for looking guilty and creating facial 501 00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:09,135 "expression number 251." 502 00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:14,055 According to the Mirror, a postman had complained 503 00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:16,015 about the cat shredding letters with its claws. 504 00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:17,735 Here's the cat. 505 00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:23,135 Blimey, look what it's done to his hair! 506 00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:28,895 ZOE: "Copies of Matt Hancock's memoirs." 507 00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:30,695 "Brick." Brick? 508 00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:32,615 No, you're in the right ballpark now with... 509 00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:35,295 "Bricks!" No. 510 00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:39,535 No, it's a "£2.5 million marble sculpture”. 511 00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:40,735 Oh, right, yes. Oh, wow! 512 00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:42,695 Yes. 513 00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:45,575 And here's the statue they found in a shed in the Highlands. 514 00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:48,695 And there was even better news when they went into the living room 515 00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:51,695 and found its legs being used as a draft extruder. 516 00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:55,295 Finally... 517 00:26:58,360 --> 00:27:01,855 "South West representative of the National Allotment Society 518 00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:03,775 "says he couldn't live in the South East. 519 00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:06,015 "Full of bastards." 520 00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:10,295 No, I'm going to tell you. 521 00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:16,655 What is a slurry fork? 522 00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:20,455 It's a bit like a Jaws wank. Yeah. 523 00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:23,135 I hope people just tune in, just at that moment, 524 00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:24,375 to hear you say that. 525 00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:29,255 "What the hell is he talking about?" 526 00:27:29,280 --> 00:27:30,215 "What the hell is he talking about?" 527 00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:32,575 So the final scores are, lan and Zoe have four, 528 00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:34,015 and Paul and Feargal have six. 529 00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:35,055 Well done, sir. 530 00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:36,175 Well done, sir. 531 00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:37,135 Well done. Well done. 532 00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:39,215 Well done. Thank you. 533 00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:41,615 On which note, we say thank you to our panel lists, 534 00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:44,215 lan Hislop and Zoe Lyons, Paul Merton and Feargal Sharkey. 535 00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:47,335 And I leave you with news that, arriving at The Dog and Duck, 536 00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:49,975 three drinkers seem unimpressed as the barman says, "This reminds me 537 00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:55,855 "of the start of a joke." 538 00:27:56,760 --> 00:27:58,895 There's further embarrassment for the British Museum as some 539 00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:01,575 ancient artefacts are left leaning up against a wall outside. 540 00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:08,015 And on a government visit to a factory in Birmingham, 541 00:28:08,080 --> 00:28:11,175 staff are told that anyone who gets stuck with the boring bloke should 542 00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:15,415 make the appropriate signal. 543 00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:18,455 Goodnight! 544 00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:25,055 APPLAUSE.