This program me contains very strong language
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE.
Good evening, and welcome.
To Have I Got News For You.
I'm Jo Brand.
In the news this week, on his extended leave
from government, hapless Cabinet Secretary Simon Case
does some volunteering at his local hospital.
On a visit to a Scout camp in Yorkshire, there's an awkward
moment as one visitor asks if this is how all Northern
people cook their food.
SCATTERED APPLAUSE.
And in Old Windsor, a power-mad local official
authorises the demolition of Prince Andrew's rented cottage.
APPLAUSE.
On tan's team tonight is a comedian whose first job
was working in a jam factory, a place where all the employees
loved their work, unlike the Marmite factory next door, where it was more
sort of 50/50.
Will you please welcome Zoe Lyons!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
And on Paul's team tonight is a former punk rocker
with The Undertones and now campaigner against pollution
in Britain's rivers, who spends a lot of his spare time fly-fishing.
In fact, last week, he caught a massive 16-pounder.
Unfortunately, it wasn't a fish.
Will you please welcome Feargal Sharkey!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
Thank you.
So, we begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
Paul and Feargal, have a look at this.
PAUL: Ah, yes, this is the man that used to be Prime Minister,
and this the man who wanted to be Prime Minister.
This is the Covid inquiry.
When the C-word was dropped, he was on screen, appropriately.
Dominic Cummings was giving evidence, talking
about what an absolute, er, mess the whole government
approach to Covid was, worse than people even realised
at the time, an absolute disaster.
This is the shocking revelation that the Government was rubbish.
Who knew?
We certainly had no idea.
There was actually more sewage in Number Ten
than there is currently in our rivers!
Boom-boom!
APPLAUSE.
So true!
Here's the top-dog lawyer at the inquiry who asks
all the questions. Yes.
He's called Keith. Yeah.
Now, Keith the barrister was getting some easy laughs from reading out
swear words in a posh voice. Yes.
We'd never stoop to such a thing, would we?
No. No.
This was going out at 11:30 in the morning on the BBC News Channel.
I've never seen so many expletives on daytime telly.
You're about to hear some more.
Who can tell me - what is...?
Jaws mode wank is when you've wanked so much you're
going to need a bigger boat.
APPLAUSE.
A film reference!
This is what Cummings said that Boris Johnson,
if he's not, you know, efficiently policed,
he just spouts rubbish, and the Jaws reference is Boris
thought that the hero of Jaws was the mayor
who keeps the beach open. Yes.
But he was quite relaxed about old people.
He just sort of said they've come to the end of their lives,
they might as well just die. Yeah!
And then the others had to point out, "They vote for you."
But watching Cummings give evidence, it's terrible, because Cummings has
learnt absolutely nothing. He's equally arrogant.
And then he starts calling other people liars, and you think,
"You're the man who gave us the story "about having your
"eyesight tested in a car when you were breaking the rules.”
He still doesn't admit he was breaking the rules.
I just thought, "I don't care if I agree with
"everything else you say - you're a liar!"
I mean, I must admit...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
You're right.
If this government goes on much longer, I wouldn't actually
mind dying that much.
When he was giving evidence, I don't know what a body-language expert
would say, but he kept his hand in front of his mouth
most of the time.
I think probably even later he'll try and deny it was him talking.
When he first was in the middle of the Covid thing,
Paul asked at one point, "Why on Earth is this man,
"who's entirely unelected, dictating policy on vaccines or,
"indeed, on lockdown or anything else?”
It beggars belief that he could sit there writing a WhatsApp message
saying, "Let's get rid of Matt Hancock.
"Let's sack the head of the NHS. Let's sack everybody."
Says who?!
But in your current guise of a 1950s East End gangster...
...do you think you should "pay him a visit"?
Yeah, I'd like to go round and give him an eyesight test!
APPLAUSE.
Now, brace yourselves. Yeah.
What about...?
Terrible firm of solicitors.
APPLAUSE.
Whichever one you get, you wish you'd spoken to the other.
When I saw that, I thought Fuckpig did greetings cards.
Yes, those lovely words were Cummings's assessment
of the various talents in the Cabinet.
It gave newsreaders at Sky who were covering the proceedings
live a bit of a challenge.
You called ministers "useless fuckpigs...
!.morons...
"..cunts..."
...in emails and WhatsApps to your professional colleagues.
And apologies from us for those who may be offended by the language.
I'm afraid we have no control over it.
So, does anyone know what Helen MacNamara said
about the decision to allow football to continue at the beginning
of the pandemic?
Her complaint was there were no women, so all
the discussions were about,
"Shall we allow football? Shall we have hunting?
"Shall we allow shooting? What shall we do?"
And then someone in the back saying,
"Schools. Schools...?
"No? Care homes?"
"Facemasks that actually fit women properly."
She also said that there wasn't one day in Downing Street
when the rules were observed... Yeah.
Absolutely.
...which means that everything Boris Johnson said in his various
witness statements isn't true. Can you believe that...?
I looked at it and I thought, "This is a bombshell revelation here."
What indication of his indecisiveness did Cummings provide
in his written statement to the inquiry?
Calling him a trolley.
It wasn't.
It was the fact that Boris Johnson had circulated a video on a WhatsApp
group of a possible method of killing the coronavirus before
it got to the lungs.
It's a video of a Florida County Council meeting where one
of the commissioners suggests this.
Keep an eye on the man on the left.
He said, "It sounds really goofy, "and it did to me,
"too, but it works."
Once the temperature reaches 136 degrees Fahrenheit,
the virus falls apart and just disintegrates, OK?
And I said, "well, how would you get the temperature up to 132 degrees?”
The answer was you use a blow dryer, because it's capable of doing that.
So you hold a blow dryer in front of your face and you inhale.
STUDIO LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH.
To be fair, if Boris Johnson was shoving a blow
dryer up his nose, it explains why he had that superb bouffant
for all of those years.
There have been suggestions that the Government was hampered
from helping vulnerable people by the lack of diversity
in Downing Street.
Oh, I don't know, let's have a look at some typical
Downing Street workers, shall we?
ZOE: That's unnerving!
That's a very diverse range of bulbous foreheads, isn't it?
Yeah!
They're all here to take over our planet.
Matt Hancock we saw on the end there.
Yes.
He came in for quite a bit of stick, not just at the inquiry
but on Channel 4's SAS thing.
Would you like to see a bit of it? Yes, please.
Oh, yes! Yes, please!
Take these off.
OK.
NARRATOR: The final recruit in for processing
is number one, Matt.
Oh, dear.
Can you see me? No.
Why can't you see me? Cos I've still got a bag on my head.
So, I told you to take these things off.
Sorry, I thought you meant just those.
APPLAUSE.
Now, Zoe, you were on the same series, weren't you?
Did you get off with him?
Oh, you know I did.
Was he a weasel-faced country club?
APPLAUSE.
I'll be honest, I went into that show with an open mind,
because I thought, "I'll take people as I see them.
"I will go in with an open mind."
And within 30 seconds, my mind had shut, snap,
again like a startled scallop.
He volunteered, didn't he, to be the person that said
whether people should live or die?
If the hospital was too crowded,"Let me.
"I'll do that. I can do that.”
Yeah.
They said, "Should it be the Chief Medical Officer,
"or should it be decided by the public...?"
"No, no, no," he said, "I'll do that.”
Yeah. "Me, Matt.”
Now, what's happened to Matt Hancock's intimate cubbyhole?
Oh, wow.
I did see that once in the shed in Vietnam.
This program me was in Vietnam?
I'll be honest, I thought I'd applied for A Place In The Sun.
It was a misunderstanding.
The nookie cupboard, where he was filmed grappling
with a woman who wasn't his wife, has been demolished,
like Fred West's house, apparently.
GROANS IN AUDIENCE.
Where might Nigel Farage be spending the winter?
Australia.
"I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!"
Sorry, it's the name of the program me, not my
current way of thinking.
ITV bosses offered him...
I'm guessing cash, in case he loses his bank account again.
Farage has admitted the discussions, saying...
The difference is him talking bollocks and eating
bollocks, though, isn't it?
I think with Farage in the Jungle and Boris not starting till January,
we'll just have to savour moments like this one while we can.
It's time for Bell & Spurting!
CHEERING.
# Can we walk...the soft sea air?
# It's cancel culture, it's just not fair
BOTH, THE TUNE OF DELILAH:
# Why, why, why...
# ..deny us?
# GB News is not biased... #
Jedward have let themselves go, haven't they?
APPLAUSE.
So, there we go.
This is the Covid inquiry, whose principal aim is that...
The main lesson being make sure you delete your WhatsApp messages.
According to the Independent, the inquiry has produced...
Boris Johnson was considered unfit to govern, the Cabinet
was bitterly divided and Dominic Cummings hated everyone.
And there was also a series of startling new revelations.
Ian and Zoe, take a look at this.
Oh, that's the march in London.
Oh, yeah, this is the war...
...in the Labour Party.
And this is us trying to... Work out how we're going to...
Answer this question! Yes!
This is Keir Starmer toing and froing with his point
of view on the current Gaza/israei situation.
Indeed.
And the problem is he doesn't want to say there's a ceasefire,
because, according to Israel, that means the end of the war.
And the US President says, "Can we have a pause?”
And the UN says, "Can we have a ceasefire?"
So it's the difference between having a pause
where you stop firing and a ceasefire, where
you cease.. firing.
Joe Biden said, "We need a pause," as well.
Yes.
So that might have been because he was halfway up the stairs.
The views on this, they're very difficult to articulate
without annoying everybody, which...I'm sure I've just done.
What is Kier Starmer's argument against a ceasefire?
Well, he says if there's a ceasefire, we'll stay
in a static situation, therefore allowing Hamas...
To sort of regroup and...
Yeah.
But the others are saying that doesn't necessarily mean that -
the pause is to negotiate further with the hostages and to try
and get some aid into Gaza.
And I think the argument, for him, is he doesn't
want to be Jeremy Corbyn. Mm.
You know, which is perfectly reasonable.
And he wants to keep a party together that doesn't lose.
Well, his speech was supposed to calm tensions in his own party.
He got heckled on the way out, and here are some of the protesters
who were waiting for him.
"Starmer's ham."
Not sure that'll go down well.
Who else has been criticised in relation to the Hamas attacks?
Well, Hamas, which is probably a good thing.
Iran, for backing them.
It's actually South Yorkshire's AXB paramotoring group,
who upset a local woman, and this led to the headline...
Wow!
Who has the BBC upset with their news coverage?
Oh, sorry, we simply don't have time to get through a list that long.
Now, the good news is that the BBC Director-General Tim Davie has
taken direct control of editorial complaints.
So if you don't like anything you've seen in today's program me,
then drop Tim a line.
I know he'll be delighted to hear from you.
And his email is...
What's the good news for Rishi Sunak?
It's not a trick question.
There actually is a glimmer.
Has he finally got a pair of trousers that fit him properly?
Winter's coming and his ankles will be cold.
According to the Guardian, a split over Gaza could see Labour
haemorrhage crucial left-wing votes to obscure, fringe political parties
like George Galloway's Workers Party of Britain, or even more shockingly,
the Lib Dems.
Feargal, you grew up in Derry.
Is partition a good idea, in your opinion?
Well, this is the 25th anniversary of the Good Friday Agreement.
For 25 years, the people of Northern Ireland have been able
to prosper and grow and blossom and have discovered that this thing,
peace, is a very delicate, beautiful little flower that needs
nurturing, caressing and supporting.
I do wish that the people of Gaza and Palestine and Israel get
to discover what 25 years of peace, prosperity and diplomacy
and democracy looks like, and that those people can blossom
into a much more confident, much brighter future
for everyone involved.
It's worked for Northern Ireland.
APPLAUSE.
Well done, well spoken. Thank you.
So, this is the conflict in Gaza and the, let's be honest,
slightly less important conflict in the Labour Party.
London Mayor Sadiq Khan has called for a ceasefire to prevent tanks
rolling into the Gaza Strip.
And if that doesn't stop them, he's going to declare Gaza a Ulez zone.
And so to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.
Fingers on buzzers, teams, if you know the answer.
BUZZER.
This is a story that I saw the other day that said, apparently,
somebody has determined that cats have over 100 different expressions.
I would like to see each one of those 100 different expressions.
I mean, that one's obviously enjoying a visit to the vets.
Yeah, they have 270. No, they don't!
Yes, they do! No!
Every cat looks like this.
Yeah.
How do they count? I don't know, Paul.
You don't know? No.
How did researchers find this out?
Well, this is what we're asking you.
No, no...
Number one, nostalgic.
Second, patriotic.
Three, slightly disappointed there's no fish for breakfast.
Four, watching GB News.
Five, presenting GB News.
"No viewers?!"
"Not even one?
"Phwoar! Brruhh!"
Yes, it was a study involving 53 cats in a Los Angeles cafe.
Oh, well, that's an exhaustive study!
Absolutely.
So, let's just try and see if we can guess any of these cats' emotions.
Yes, let's do it. Yeah, OK, absolutely, yeah.
OK.
Number one.
Yeah.
ZOE: That's not where it should be!
Yeah.
"I miss the Bee Gees."
Well, that's friendly, because it's got its ears turned
slightly down, apparently.
Oh, right. OK.
All right.
The next one.
"What do you do?" Yeah.
Is Therese Coffey saying, "Tonight, Larry the Cat, this is your life"?
This is the news that cats have many more facial expressions
than previously realised.
No, they don't!
We've proved that!
Cats have 276 facial expressions, 276 of which are "Fuck off."
Anyway...
Have we got Dominic Cummings in?!
I always wondered what the last episode of this
show would look like.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
BUZZER
Oh!
God, that robot's at a really odd height.
Um... Is this the Al conference?
Yes, it is. Yes.
I mean, I've been worried about this for quite some time,
because about seven years ago, I bought a toaster,
and when I got it out of the box, I realised it had seven settings,
and I thought, "Crikey, that's probably more "emotionally
“intelligent than I'll ever be." So...
This is the news that Rishi Sunak is hosting a summit
about artificial intelligence.
Who opened the summit? Was it Elon Musk?
He was there, but it was opened by someone on video.
Was it Christopher Biggins?
King Charles. That's right.
Appeared in a video message, saying that the world's leaders must
address the risk of Al in the same way they sought to
tackle climate change.
With that level of urgency?
Yeah, so ignore it, then, basically.
And you've already said, the answer to this, lan -
who was the big name attending the summit?
Christopher Biggins.
Elon Musk.
Yes.
He's turned up.
I mean, again, why?
I mean, he owns Twitter...
X. lan, keep up!
x.
Oh, yes.
Ian's very big on MySpace.
Is he? Yeah.
I hope I don't know what that means.
Rishi Sunak is keen to show that he has the ear of all
the biggest names in Al, but whose expertise should
he really be tapping into?
It is Christopher Biggins, I know!
You're not that far off.
It's Cliff Richard.
Because during an interview with the BBC...
No-one mention helicopters.
...he showed that he really has a firm grasp of modern technology.
Here we go.
# Sitting down there with my...strumming
# I could see the people for miles around coming
# To hear me sing my music and play, yay, yay.#
Delightful.
Thank you, cliff. OK, thank you.
Really nice chatting. Thank you.
And I didn't use artificial insemination.
LAUGHTER.
This is the Bletchley Park summit on the implications
of artificial intelligence and its possible threat
to the human race.
Said an iPhone.
Time now for the Odd One Out round.
Just one between you this week.
Your four are Vladimir Putin, Jeremy Corbyn, King George IV,
and Taylor Swift.
Is it George IV eyes keep dropping out and landing on his cloak?
None of them are involved with Taylor Swift?
Have I missed the news?
During lockdown, I was in Battersea Park, and I went
and had a cup of tea.
What were you doing in Battersea Park?
Oh, you and your stories! Yeah.
There was a paparazzi, and he was taking pictures.
And I said, "What are you doing here?
This is a bit desperate.”
And he said, "I was sent out to find Taylor Swift."
Putin's the odd one out.
He's the only one trying to look down her top.
I'll give you a clue.
It's something that a lot of people do on a night out,
after they've come out of the pub.
Buy a kebab?
Well, George IV never bought a kebab, did he?
Oh, unless he invented them.
Something you do, late night, after you come out of the pub?
You go home and finish the crossword.
No.
It is all about kebabs, yes.
All the others love a kebab, apart from Jeremy Corbyn,
who's vegetarian but loves his local kebab shop.
This is what he told the crowd at the British Kebab Awards.
Now, no surprise Jeremy Corbyn likes Middle Eastern food.
He's always been a big defender of hummus.
So, how do we know that Taylor Swift is a kebab fan?
She was spotted in Hampstead. Eating a kebab.
At a kebab shop. Yeah.
She was, in Kentish Town.
You mean that she gets her kebabs from Kentish Delight?
She's been once, at the very least, yeah.
I should think most people have been once.
According to the Telegraph, politicians from Chile, Hungary,
Thailand and Canada have...
Yeah, someone's done research into this.
I think I read this.
And your economy grows by an enormous percentage.
Buying T-shirt and tickets...?
Tickets and merch and... Merch?
Where have you come by this phrase, "merch?"
It comes from the biblical narrative.
There's gold, frankincense and merch.
How does Vladimir Putin use kebabs to relax?
Well, I'll tell you.
According to a local leader in Siberia, he unwinds
by making a Russian type of kebab called shashlik.
Russian president Vladimir Putin's favourite sandwich comprises...
Otherwise known as the KGB.
A major academic study into the menus served to Georgian
kings has revealed they often feasted on foreign cuisine,
including Turkish kebabs.
Ah, brilliant.
The Times reported that, at this time, the royals
could also eat on...
So, egg and chips. Yeah.
Very good.
we know that George Ill and George IV used to enjoy kebabs due
to the tradition of...
And still Andrew can't find that receipt for Pizza Express.
OK, it's time now for the Missing Words Round,
which this week features at its guest publication
Allotment And Leisure Gardener.
And we start with...
"Thieving cat blamed for looking guilty and creating facial
"expression number 251."
According to the Mirror, a postman had complained
about the cat shredding letters with its claws.
Here's the cat.
Blimey, look what it's done to his hair!
ZOE: "Copies of Matt Hancock's memoirs."
"Brick." Brick?
No, you're in the right ballpark now with...
"Bricks!" No.
No, it's a "£2.5 million marble sculpture”.
Oh, right, yes. Oh, wow!
Yes.
And here's the statue they found in a shed in the Highlands.
And there was even better news when they went into the living room
and found its legs being used as a draft extruder.
Finally...
"South West representative of the National Allotment Society
"says he couldn't live in the South East.
"Full of bastards."
No, I'm going to tell you.
What is a slurry fork?
It's a bit like a Jaws wank. Yeah.
I hope people just tune in, just at that moment,
to hear you say that.
"What the hell is he talking about?"
So the final scores are, lan and Zoe have four,
and Paul and Feargal have six.
Well done, sir.
Well done. Well done.
Thank you.
On which note, we say thank you to our panel lists,
lan Hislop and Zoe Lyons, Paul Merton and Feargal Sharkey.
And I leave you with news that, arriving at The Dog and Duck,
three drinkers seem unimpressed as the barman says, "This reminds me
"of the start of a joke."
There's further embarrassment for the British Museum as some
ancient artefacts are left leaning up against a wall outside.
And on a government visit to a factory in Birmingham,
staff are told that anyone who gets stuck with the boring bloke should
make the appropriate signal.
Goodnight!
APPLAUSE.