Er, good evening, good evening. I hope you like my new suit.
I bought it with the proceeds from Captain Tom's latest book.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
This programme contains some strong language
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Alexander Armstrong.
In the news this week, in Liverpool,
during Keir Starmer's riveting speech,
one man who tries to leave early is quietly escorted back to his seat.
After the IOC confirmed a host of new sports for the 2028 Olympics,
organisers deny that some of the events are getting a little obscure.
And as he visits the Royal Millinery,
King Charles has concerns that the hat they're proposing he
wears for his state visit to Ireland might be a little unsuitable.
On Ian's team tonight is a journalist
and broadcaster for GB News whose first political memory
is of her family gathering round the television back in 2003,
popcorn at the ready, to watch the result
of the confidence vote in Iain Duncan Smith.
Well, that's how bad TV was until Pointless came along.
Please welcome Olivia Utley.
APPLAUSE
On Paul's team tonight is a comedian and actor who appeared
in the film Journey's End, or, as it's now known, Old Oak Common.
Please welcome Miles Jupp.
APPLAUSE
We begin with the bigger news stories of the week,
apart from THAT one because it's just too awful.
Ian and Olivia, have a look at this.
Ooh, it's Sir Blair Starmer.
Rachel Reeves in an unlikely blue.
Oh, and... Oh...
Keir Starmer getting a great makeover.
LAUGHTER
So that was the Labour Party conference in Liverpool,
where the most exciting moment was Keir Starmer getting glitted.
The protester, no-one quite knows what he was actually protesting
cos it was very long and complicated. Yes, yes.
And he was still explaining it as he was being dragged past us.
I thought it was someone from Just Stop Strictly.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'm actually dressed up as Keir Starmer
in the glitter and the red. Oh, God!
Starmer wouldn't be wearing red! HE SCOFFS
What was the point of the glitter, though?
Was it to add a level of interest?
I mean, it made Starmer look great. Everyone around me was saying,
"Doesn't he look great?" "Beautiful, yes."
But he had to take his jacket off, which...
It looked slightly rehearsed.
So, suddenly, it was Keir gets down to work, shirtsleeves, no jacket,
not formal, not posh.
And I think it was rehearsed because he'd ironed his shirtsleeves
and whoever does that unless they're planning to take the jacket off?
Oh, you think this was choreographed? Yeah.
I think it was chor... Well, no, I don't really, but...
Well, GB News, they like a conspiracy theory.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Oh, no, we start!
Yes, the guy who did it, The Sun referred to him as...
LAUGHTER
A sequin, surely?
Not really clear why he did it, but here is the moment it happened.
Looks like he's in the cosmos.
Yes, it does, actually, doesn't it?
How did he penetrate the ring of steel around Keir Starmer?
Oh, the security at Labour conference was unbelievable.
Tory Party conference, there was airport security. Yeah.
None of that at Labour. I am not surprised he got in.
Well, then, how did Liz Truss get in?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
According to Tom Peck in the Independent,
before the glitter, Keir was described as...
..and then afterwards...
They're just very good with families, Pizza Express, really.
They just look after you.
Do they? They bring the crayons straight out.
There's always something to do. Yes.
You can vape in the toilets, all that.
Yes.
And they're very good at providing alibis.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
With very thin bases.
What was Keir's big idea at the conference?
His big idea was to become Prime Minister.
Yes, how is he backing that up?
Housing.
Yes, building loads of houses.
And where's he going to build these houses?
Beautiful places.
Yes. Next to people who object to it.
It's not on the green belt.
The brown belt?
No, no, no. More...
Oh, one of the belts. Erm...
Is there a black belt? Black belt, yeah! No!
The grey belt. Well, it seems very Keir, doesn't it?
Yes, Keir Starmer wants to recreate the heady atmosphere
of the new towns, the sunlit uplands of Stevenage...
Milton Keynes. ..Crawley, Milton Keynes.
Can we remember any of the other new towns? Basildon, Bracknell.
When I worked at the civil service,
I was in charge of the new town scheme. So you know all of this.
So for the first time in the history of this programme,
I know what I'm talking about. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So let's have four more.
Four more? Four more. Well...
Thank you for that round of applause,
that makes me feel a lot better.
But it was new and expanded town schemes
so Hastings was one of them as well.
Skelmersdale. Was it? I don't remember that.
Welwyn Garden City. Welwyn Garden City, yes. Yes, lovely.
And just one pointless answer and that was Newtown,
so well done if you got that at home.
And horrors, Ian, how did Labour snub the private schools?
They said they're going to increase VAT on the fees,
but they're not going to take away their charitable status.
Yeah, but, I mean, look at the people that public schools turn out.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Did anyone here go to private school?
Yes. Yes. Yes.
OLIVIA: No.
My school was so bad we kept it private.
Olivia, how do you think Wes Streeting will shape up
as Health Secretary?
I mean, you've got a pretty good record of spotting a good 'un.
You look puzzled.
Here is what you once wrote about Matt Hancock. Oh, God!
GROANING AND LAUGHTER
I was 21!
I was going to say I think Wes Streeting's rather good
so that's not good news for Wes Streeting, I would say!
But Rachel Reeves, I mean, my goodness,
she's been presenting herself as a very tough cookie.
Look at her severe bob.
They all have the same severe bob. Bridget Phillipson's got it too.
Severe Bob sounds like a prisoner in C wing.
Yeah. Much experience of C wing, do we? Yeah.
You go to a school like mine, you know a lot of people there.
She was definitely spoiling for a fight with the Conservatives,
but watch out for Ed "Am I Tough Enuss?" Miliband
on the edge of this row.
If the party that has herded our children into Portakabins
while our school roofs crumble wants a fight about who has
the most aspiration for our children, then I say bring it on.
APPLAUSE
STUDIO LAUGHTER
Oh...
Mind you, he geed himself up for a bit of a scrap later.
Have a look at this.
I've got an idea, friends.
Let's send these Tories where they belong.
Let's recycle them from government to opposition
and let's chuck them into the seven dustbins of history!
APPLAUSE
Oh, that's the seven dustbins of history?!
I've read that!
What is that?
OLIVIA: Oh, I just got that joke.
It was the seven bins thing, wasn't it? Yeah.
I forgot that was a thing.
He picked up something that Rishi said
and then turned it round into something that wasn't a joke.
It probably looked quite clever on paper.
Some serious issues were discussed at the Labour conference, though.
What does Angela Rayner, for example,
insist is the best way to liven up a party?
Ecstasy? Venom.
Venom? Venom consists of...
Pah, an aperitif!
Maybe Shadow Science Minister Peter Kyle had a couple of jugs too many
of venom the night before this speech.
Our potential has been squandered by 13 years of Labour Government.
SHOCKED LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
He COULD be a visitor from the future!
Actually, I was terrified by how well informed
the people inside the Labour conference were.
They all knew what a non-dom was.
Yes, now that was one bit of the speech that
went down incredibly badly with the newspapers,
who are largely owned by non-doms -
proprietors who don't live here
and don't pay as much taxes as perhaps they should do.
Anyway, they hated that idea.
Do you think that's a bad idea?
LAUGHTER
One of them will be buying your station.
Yeah. I don't think it will raise quite as much as they hoped.
Who have the Labour Party appointed to help co-ordinate
their plans to protect women from harassment in the workplace?
Severe Bob.
Yeah.
Not Severe Bob. Boris Johnson's ex-wife. Oh, yeah, Marina Wheeler.
Yes. In a demonstration that the Labour Party
do have a sense of humour,
they have appointed her in charge of antiharassment
and protection of women.
That's right.
An area where she has some experience.
That was a carefully worded statement. It was, yes.
All I wanted to say was...
..hah, hah, hah, hah, hah, hah, hah, hah, hah!
Yes, this is the Labour conference where Keir Starmer's speech
was interrupted by a protester who threw a handful of sparkling
glitter over the Labour leader.
It is the only time a Starmer speech
and the word "sparkling" have been used in the same sentence.
Labour's Shadow Health Minister Wes Streeting told the conference...
If they're really lucky, they could attend the grand opening of HS2.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
In other news, according to Wales Online,
Welsh First Minister Mark Drakeford...
But only at 20mph.
Paul and Miles, take a look at this.
Oh, this is the Tory party conference.
Bedbugs. Cartoon character dragged out of bed by a bedbug.
Oh, God.
I think I used to go out with her.
This is the bedbugs story.
There is an infestation, they are coming over here. They are.
These bedbugs. And they're hurting British bottoms. Yes.
From France. From France.
And they're not being stopped.
No... They've come by Eurotunnel because it's cheaper
because you just pay for the one car, not...
Not the number of inhabitants.
Apparently, all of the panic is sort of unwarranted
because the experts keep telling us there isn't a swarm of bedbugs,
they've always actually been there.
Is this GB News agreeing with the experts?
Bugageddon... Bugageddon. ..is what we are now...
That's a nightclub in Soho, isn't it?
I've been there.
According to the Telegraph, once in the UK...
Finally, some good news for anyone living north of Birmingham.
The Guardian has revealed there were...
And here is a confirmed sighting, in fact,
of a creepy-crawly in Liverpool this week.
In case you don't know what to look out for,
the Guardian provided this useful picture of a bedbug.
And in case you see one moving,
here is an action shot from the Guardian also.
They look very happy, the bugs. Well, of course they are.
They've got a suitcase full of booze and they're on their way to work.
The Mirror had this headline.
Do bedbugs have nationalities, then?
Oh, these definitely do. They do?
Yes. It's a worrying thing tonight, "Don't let the bedbugs bite."
You said it as if it was a thing that didn't really happen.
And then you think, maybe there's other things
we say all the time that we have to start meaning. Yes.
Like, "I hope you are well."
"How very nice to hear from you."
"I'll reply to your email shortly."
We've got to go back and comb through all of our platitudes
and check what else, you know, could be out there.
Mm. Back to the headlines.
That's an interesting statement, we are going to be invaded
by bedbugs and you said, "We've got to comb through our platitudes."
Leave no stone unturned. Yeah.
And back to the headlines.
Yes. Sorry.
The Daily Star went with...
And the Daily Mail opted for...
What is wrong with that headline?
Bedfordshire isn't the hot spot of infestation.
No. It's Hertfordshire,
that's where they've had the highest. Yeah, that's...
You do know stuff, don't you, Miles?
I... Every now and then I wake up and take a real interest.
You'll spot when it happens.
Happily, bedbugs haven't stopped this Scottish rugby fan
from having a whale of a time in France.
What do you want to say to World Rugby?
I want to say to World Rugby, I've been on the lash for five weeks,
like, you know?
It started with a wee golf tournament down in Vilamoura.
And that was magic, right?
And then I jumped over to Marseille,
and I couldn't believe it when I got there
because they were filling us full of the old bevvy, you know I mean?
And I've been on the lash for four weeks.
I've been through the Chablis, doing the wine cellars,
had a brilliant time,
a brilliant time!
So what you're saying is you're not too bothered if Scotland fans...
Oh, win, lose or draw, I'm getting pished!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Win, lose or draw,
I'm getting blootered.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
But isn't he one of the players?
Social media isn't helping people stay calm.
Tianne from London tweeted this week...
One bedbug. One bedbug.
What happened to the Dunkirk spirit this country used to be proud of?
Yes, this is the infestation of bedbugs.
I'm not saying the tabloids are getting hysterical about this
but apparently from next Thursday we have to go outside at eight in the evening
and bang a pan for Rentokil.
If you think you do have bedbugs, then experts say that
the only foolproof way to get rid of them is to...
A precaution which for some reason Prince Andrew has been
taking for several years now.
According to public health scientists, the bedbugs are...
So good news for Suella Braverman.
And so to Round Two where we deal with
the abundance of fascinating science stories in the news this week.
Would you like to look through the microscope of news?
I bet there is a really terrible graphic that goes with this.
OK. Here is your first one. Yeah. Go on, let's have a look.
Yeah, here we go.
BELL RINGS
Ian and Olivia. Yes.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It's a good gag.
You look like a really bad Adam Ant.
Is that that goalkeepers have quicker brains than anyone else?
Yes, absolutely right. Oh, really?
This is news that goalkeepers' brains are wired
differently to ours,
which explains why David Seaman had this haircut.
LAUGHTER
Scientists tested 20 goalkeepers, 20 outfield footballers
and 20 normal people... Normal people?
Normal people.
The sort of people that Rishi Sunak meets all the time.
They discovered... Yeah?
..that goalkeepers were able to process sights
and sounds at a much faster rate...
Is this a survey of 60?
Yes, but 20 of them were normal.
Yeah, control, yeah. Who...?
It means nothing, Alexander.
I was going to say, it's pointless,
but then I don't want to give another ad to his show.
Who would you say thinks most like a goalkeeper here, Ian?
No, that's too slow.
That's not goalkeeper-quick,
Ian, I needed a response much quicker than that.
We have to, um...
LAUGHTER
That was a survey of one.
And a normal person. I do hope not.
We have got our hands on the test
that was created by researchers at Dublin City University
to find out which of you is most goalie...?
Is there a croquet version?
LAUGHTER
I don't know what a croquet version of a goalkeeper would be, Ian.
Is that a potato covered in bread crumbs?
I am going to flash up...
This is genuinely the test.
You're going to flash up, are you?
I'm going to flash up either one... What about the quiz?
First, I'm going to flash up...
That's three times he's going to flash up.
..either one or two white dots
along with either one or two or no beeps.
And then you have to tell me how many dots were flashed up.
Have you got it? It's very easy. OK. Everyone ready? One or two.
BEEP
There was one. Two. I didn't see any.
LAUGHTER
And so we've got a goalkeeper.
Look at that. Very well done indeed, Paul. Absolutely right. It was one.
But we heard two little noises, you see? You saw one dot.
Can someone describe to me
as someone who didn't see the flash what the flash looked like?
It was a white flash. It's a dot. It's a white dot. It's a simple dot.
This is just like being in Specsavers.
LAUGHTER
Do you think one day this sort of thing will replace television?
LAUGHTER
Could you see two? One?
I saw one but I was too slow to answer,
so I don't think I'm a goalkeeper at heart.
I kind of feel as though I'm speaking for everybody here
when I say, is there much more of this?
LAUGHTER
No, you're right, you're right. You're right. You're right.
On the subject of being wired differently,
football fans often have a slightly different approach to life
when watching a game. Just as an example,
who do we think these two Stoke City fans are getting angry with?
Is it about proportional representation?
Let's have a look.
This is a study that shows that goalkeepers have faster brains than the rest of us.
The tests also found that normal people's reactions were nowhere near
as fast as professional footballers,
who only take an average of 150 milliseconds before replying,
"Yes, for that money I WILL go and play in Saudi Arabia."
Fingers on buzzers. Next slide.
Oh, hang on. There's something on that one.
Fly! fly, my pretty!
That doesn't look like the Guardian picture at all!
OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
Here is your next slide on the microscope.
We should come up with the comments before we see the picture.
I had one of them but the wheels fell off.
That's what I'm going to say.
Whatever the picture is, I'm going to say that.
Come on, then, picture. Bring it up. Ready to go.
LAUGHTER
I had one of them but the wheels fell off.
This has been the highlight of the show.
This is a chicken that successfully conducted Beethoven's 9th Symphony.
Does anyone know what this might be? No idea.
It wasn't Beethoven, I think it was a coronation anthem!
Oh, that's good!
AUDIENCE MEMBER: It might have been Firebird.
Yes, but it wasn't, was it?
You don't get into show business that easy, I tell you!
Anyone know what this might be? Yeah, it could have been Firebird.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
This is the news that an orchestra in New Zealand has performed
a concert for a flock of chickens.
Shall we have a look at the performance? Yes, please.
Were they performing it for the chickens or near them?
For any chickens, by the way, that couldn't make the live show,
that will be broadcast later this weekend on Classic F HEN.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Will it be on your show? Yeah, almost certainly.
You're on every morning, aren't you? Every morning, yeah. Nine till 12.
I don't know how you do it.
Or why.
LAUGHTER
And now Fanfare Of The Common Man.
The Lark Ascending.
Fingal's Cave. We've had that a couple of times.
Have you? Yeah. Dirty devil.
Yeah, you've had this one doing its Fingal licking good.
These are just... This is gold dust.
I'm just going to keep going until the question ends.
OK.
That was the New Zealand Symphony Orchestra there with...
According to the orchestra's chief executive Peter Biggs...
Although one audience member was seen laying an egg
and then hurling it at the bassoonist.
This was a performance by members of the
New Zealand Symphony Orchestra to an audience of chickens.
It was a lovely occasion.
The chickens enjoyed the orchestra
and afterwards at lunch the orchestra enjoyed the chickens.
Time now for the odd one out round. Your four are...
Alan Titchmarsh,
Elon Musk,
Meghan Markle
and Joe Biden's dog, Commander.
Commander has been sent away from the White House for biting people.
I wouldn't put it past Meghan Markle or Elon Musk to bite people.
Alan Titchmarsh not so much.
No, he's got rabies.
To do with neighbours.
Ah, yes. Biden told the dog,
"I'm going to have to put you to sleep."
And the dog said, "That's good coming from you."
The dog is the only one that doesn't want to bring back Pebble Mill at One.
No. They have all had trouble with their neighbours,
apart from Joe Biden's dog,
who has been troubling the people he lives with.
Ah. So here is Joe Biden's dog, Commander.
How has he been causing trouble?
Bit 11 people. Yeah, that's right.
According to the BBC,
he's developed a habit of biting Secret Service agents.
What did the Secret Service agents call Commander?
That bastard dog.
How has Commander been dealt with?
Well, he's had to go live somewhere else, hasn't he? That's right.
That's what they'll have told him.
"He's gone to live on a farm, Joe." "Oh, OK."
HE MOUTHS SILENTLY
He's been removed from the White House...
"He's gone to live on a farm."
According to the Times, he's been removed from the White House and...
Why's Alan Titchmarsh been getting frustrated with his neighbours, do you know?
They keep biting him.
He called for people to stop using power tools on Sundays, complaining that...
Alan Titchmarsh says he is bothered by...
On the plus side, he no longer has to put up with that noise
the phone used to make when his agent called.
In other nature news,
what did Peter Glazebrook recently show off in Malvern?
I saw this picture in the paper. It's an enormous thing.
It's either a marrow or a cucumber. Don't be coy, Ian. What is it?
It is...
It's his massive prize-winning cucumber.
Cucumber? Cucumber.
LAUGHTER
Now we are...
Now we are getting to winter, he'll want to harden that off.
I thought to myself when I saw it in the paper I thought,
"I know where that's going to turn up."
I'm surprised he hasn't fainted.
Elon Musk, how's he been annoying his neighbours?
Oh, he bought Twitter. Well, yes.
He also uses his leaf blower on a Sunday.
Bastard.
When Musk changed the name of Twitter to X,
he put an enormous flashing X-shaped sign on the roof of
their headquarters in San Francisco.
Let's have a quick look and see what it's like for people living across the street.
I couldn't see anything but then I'm not a goalkeeper.
No, you're not a goalkeeper.
Why wouldn't you want Meghan Markle next door?
Does she use a leaf blower on Sundays?
One of them's got to.
According to the Mirror,
she and Harry are looking for somewhere else to live after...
According to the Mirror, in the Sussexes' current home...
Which, for all the work they have on their plates, is one desk too many.
Time now for the missing words round and we start with...
Keith Richards.
Classic FM.
It's lovely, classic FM.
I think it's a handy reminder that all radios have an off button.
LAUGHTER
The answer is ginger hair.
Scientists have found the ginger pigment in an extinct
species of frog.
Ginger frogs? Good luck finding the princess to kiss one of those.
Next...
Tiny yellow reflection of themselves.
No, it's oooooh!
Ghost! Yes. Oh!
A ghost.
God, this is like Christmas. Charades with Uncle Alexander.
A couple from East Sussex claim... Ooooh!
..to have spotted a ghost in a fried egg. Here it is.
Oh, no!
Fair enough, I'd say. No!
And finally...
Secret financial arrangement with vet.
"I'm taking that Labrador to the vet every week."
This is the story of Jack Russell mix, Jaqweenie,
who keeps pretending to be ill.
LAUGHTER
Got a good dress sense, though.
So the final scores are Ian and Olivia on 6,
Paul and Miles on 7.
APPLAUSE
But just before we go, there's time for the caption competition.
Man with the glasses is saying, "Prince Harry sends his regards."
LAUGHTER
MILES: Naive man falls for smell my cheese trick.
LAUGHTER
On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
Ian Hislop and Olivia Utley.
Paul Merton and Miles Jupp.
And I leave you with news that in Manchester, Radio 4 listeners
are impressed by a new statue that portrays Nick Robinson
getting up in the morning to present the Today programme.
That's dedication for you.
In Liverpool, as Keir Starmer takes to the stage,
Emily Thornberry regrets that edible she's just popped.
LAUGHTER
And there's a touching moment in a garden in Washington,
as a nurse finds her missing patient at three in the morning.
LAUGHTER
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE