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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
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Good evening, and welcome to
Have I Got News for You?
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I'm Victoria Coren Mitchell.
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In the news this week...
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During lunchtime drinks
at the Conservative Party
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conference, Therese Coffey attempts
to dispel the method
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that the Government couldn't
organise a piss-up in a brewery.
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LAUGHTER.
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LAUGHTER.
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Emmanuel Macron saves
himself at the 11th hour
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after realising that Camilla had
a packet of scampi fries
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on the train to Paris.
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LAUGHTER.
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And in Stockport, the man
who's been putting dog
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excrement through Angela Rayner's
letterbox is caught on camera.
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LAUGHTER.
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LAUGHTER.
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On Ian's team tonight is a comedian
who describes himself
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as Spain's best export,
and with post-Brexit import fees
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we were lucky to afford him.
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Please welcome Ignacio Lopez.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
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On Paul's team tonight
is a writer and broadcaster
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who has a pilot's licence
and is aiming to one day fly
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solo around the world.
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Sounds tough, but it's easier
than getting from Birmingham
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to Manchester by train.
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Please welcome Carol Vorderman.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
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We begin with the bigger news
stories of the week.
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Ian and Ignacio,
have a look at this.
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Oh, yes.
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"Hi, I'm Prime Minister.
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Yeah, yeah, I am.
I am."
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That's the annual Handing Out
Contracts To Mates festival.
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That's the next Prime Minister.
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God.
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That's where they want
to take us back to.
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And no-one will sit next to her.
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I think that seat was reserved
for a head of lettuce.
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I think that seat was reserved
for a head of lettuce.
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Where do you want to start?
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Well, why don't we start
with the warm-up for
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the Prime Minister, did
you see that?
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He was warmed up by his wife.
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Yes.
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Usually you're introduced
by a colleague or a friend.
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But that's obviously
not going to happen.
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This time, Rishi decided he'd
get his wife to come on,
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and she came on and said "He's
a really good bloke, he's decent,
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he's honourable," and you thought,
"This is the Conservative Party!
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This isn't going to work."
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Should have come on and said, "Look,
he's a pathological liar,
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he's completely economically
illiterate, vote for him."
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They'd have been
screaming, on their feet!
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She did actually describe him
as "my best friend".
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Yeah.
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She said, "We're one team,"
which will interest the Revenue.
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LAUGHTER.
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And what was the big announcement
that he had to make?
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That he's still Prime Minister.
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One year on.
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The big thing they're going to do,
or perhaps not going to do.
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Is it something to do with HS2,
by any chance, yeah?
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Yeah.
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Because they're following
on their policy "stop the boats",
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and also the trains.
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LAUGHTER.
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APPLAUSE.
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This is amazing, though.
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They went to Manchester to announce
that they're not going to take
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the high-speed train to Manchester.
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The implication presumably, "Well,
we've been here now,
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we won't need to come again."
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Is there anything good to be said
about that decision?
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I think it's quite a good decision.
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I mean, for years we've been saying
this is a colossal waste of money,
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it's staggering, the mismanagement.
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It is a colossal failure in cost
management so I'm quite
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happy to scrap the lot.
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What, the Conservative Party?
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Yeah.
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
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They sort of announced, "OK,
we're not going to do this,
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we said we were going to but we're
not going to do it, but here's
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a whole bunch of schemes
that we are going to do."
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But then so many of the schemes that
they announced on the Wednesday,
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we found already exist,
like extending the tram system
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in Manchester to Manchester Airport,
which actually opened in 2014.
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Oh, right.
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Yeah.
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It's a bit safer, isn't it,
announcing things that
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have already happened.
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They're not even sure
that it will reach London.
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No.
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It might not get to Euston.
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You'll have to sort of speed
from Birmingham and then get off
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and walk the last four miles.
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It's a £36 billion
saving, apparently.
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Yes.
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They said...
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At which point someone
shouted "house!"
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He was desperately trying to do
politics, which isn't
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really Sunak's strength.
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Which was to try and save the big
announcement for himself,
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which meant that he had to spend
three days effectively lying.
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Well, the Sun newspaper,
for some reason, described
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the high-speed rail link as
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"the woke HS2".
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"the woke HS2".
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So I thought we might
play a game of
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Woke, Broke Or Having A Smoke?
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LAUGHTER.
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LAUGHTER.
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Are you serious about this?
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Oh, yes.
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Here's the first one.
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OK!
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It's science, it's
the concept of science.
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Well, it's broke.
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No, it's woke!
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Oh, this was a fringe meeting
about whether the Earth was flat.
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Oh, this was a fringe meeting
about whether the Earth was flat.
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"Yeah, science, woke
blob, libtard left...
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BLUSTERS.
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..something."
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You know, if somebody invented
a robot that looked like Ian,
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it would behave like that.
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it would behave like that.
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Let's try another one.
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What's this?
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BUZZER.
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Going for a smoke.
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Smoked meat.
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It's not smoke.
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BELL.
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Is it veganism?
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And what would that
be, do you think?
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Well, that's woke as heck, isn't it?
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I mean...
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This is fake meat.
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Oh, right.
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Have you heard about this?
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Here's some actual fake meat.
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And what's wrong with fake
meat, do you think?
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I'm sure I've seen British
people floating on these
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in Spain in swimming pools.
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
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This is the tax on meat.
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Is that right?
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Whose policy is that?
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Well, it's like all these things,
they're not saying there's
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going to be a tax on meat.
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That was just made up.
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Shall we have a look
at Claire Coutinho, this
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season's Energy Secretary,
talking about it on Sky News?
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You said, "It's no wonder Labour
seem so relaxed about taxing meat -
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Sir Keir Starmer doesn't eat it
and Ed Miliband is clearly
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scarred by his encounter
with a bacon sandwich."
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Did you...
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You didn't write that, did you?
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I did actually write that.
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I think, you know, it's good
to have a light moment
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in your speech as well.
But...
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They're not proposing a meat tax.
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Are they?
I missed that.
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The point is actually very serious.
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So some of the things that Labour
are proposing are incredibly hard
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for working families.
But what's the meat tax?
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So whether you have...
What's the meat tax?
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That's what you're saying here.
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Well, so the point is
they are proposing things
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which are pushing families too hard,
so you've got things
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like the ULEZ tax expansion...
That's not a meat tax.
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..which does cost
families £12.50 a day.
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It's not a meat tax, though, is it?
But that is very difficult.
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And they've got things
like proposing that you would
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decarbonise the electricity grid
by 2030, again which would
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result in very difficult
choices for families.
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Also not a meat tax.
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Genuinely, there isn't a meat tax.
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
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It does seem the
Conservatives constantly
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leave a massive open goal
and Keir Starmer's just
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kind of behind it, vaping
and playing Wordle.
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I mean, it's...
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That's Labour's main policy.
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"We're not Conservatives."
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It's quite...
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It's a great policy!
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Would you like to see
Michael Gove jogging?
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No.
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No, we say no.
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But it's part of the quiz,
cos I want to know, is he woke,
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broke, or having a smoke?
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Let's have a look.
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Go on, then.
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I think the answer is
he's having a stroke.
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
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CAROL:Lord above.
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I don't what he's got
in his left-hand pocket but he ought
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to see a doctor about that.
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Pointing the way to Chichester.
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I'm sure I read somewhere
that he was caught having a fag
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on the balcony in the hotel and it
wasn't allowed or something.
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Exactly right!
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Oh, yes!
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Get in there!
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He was having a smoke.
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That went right in there, then.
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It was very exciting.
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How is smoking going to get more
difficult for young people?
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Because they're going
to start banning people
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from buying cigarettes
when they're 14
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and they'll increase it every year.
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I think that's the plan,
is that the idea is not to be too
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cruel to people that smoke already.
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They'll raise the smoking age every
year, so you're sort of chasing it,
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00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:05,440
and people that are 14
will never get...
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They haven't said if they're
going to do the same
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00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:08,840
with the pension age.
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00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:11,720
It was also noted that he hadn't
banned vaping, and it's nothing
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00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:14,880
to do with the £300,000 donation
to the Tory party from someone
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who has a vaping company.
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Nothing to do with that at all.
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What, are you saying
that the cigarette companies
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haven't given them more?
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Good point.
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That's pretty shocking.
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It is.
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Would you like, and I would think
carefully before you answer this
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question, to see Priti Patel
and Nigel Farage
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enjoying themselves?
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Oh, no!
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Um...
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..yes.
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I mean, brace yourselves,
this is a tough watch.
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Won't be able to unsee it.
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OK, all right.
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Here we go.
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MUSIC: Can't Take My
Eyes Off Of You by Andy Williams.
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# Ba ba da, ba da, ba da da da... #
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# Ba ba da, ba da, ba da da da... #
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It's not often you see
a double Nazi salute, is it?
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Don't often see one of those.
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APPLAUSE.
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00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:02,880
APPLAUSE.
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00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:05,040
Was that the Liz Truss
event, the growth event?
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00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:07,360
No, it's the GB News disco.
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00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:08,440
AUDIENCE GROANS.
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00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:09,440
Oh!
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00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:11,800
Lord!
Wow.
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Although they did go
to Liz Truss's event.
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What was that called?
259
00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:15,760
I've Learnt Nothing.
260
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:17,240
Yeah.
261
00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:21,200
Let's Make Britain Grow
Again, that was called.
262
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:23,400
Let's Remove This Growth.
263
00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:27,960
Has This Woman No Shame?
264
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:28,680
Has This Woman No Shame?
265
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:33,280
The conference did last longer
than her premiership, so...
266
00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:35,200
But why is Nigel Farage there?
267
00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:36,600
What's he doing at the conference?
268
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,000
What does it mean?
269
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:39,480
Well, he's taking over the party.
270
00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:42,560
Some people say he's going to be
leader, he's going to become leader.
271
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,000
No.
No, I can't see that.
272
00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:45,040
Leader of what?
273
00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:46,080
The Conservative Party.
274
00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:47,280
He'll come in as leader.
275
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:49,440
You're just trying to scare
people late at night.
276
00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:51,600
No, it's the charisma,
it's the sort of froggy
277
00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:52,800
charisma of the man.
278
00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:54,120
No.
279
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:56,040
It's what's being said.
280
00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:58,160
And I tell you what,
some Conservatives are delighted
281
00:10:58,200 --> 00:10:59,400
because of his electoral attributes.
282
00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:02,040
How did this man, Gawain Towler,
former UKIP aide, how did
283
00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:06,080
he explain Farage's appeal?
284
00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:08,720
Well, first of all he was very
annoyed because he was
285
00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:09,800
raised from the dead.
286
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:14,720
LAUGHTER.
287
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:15,000
LAUGHTER.
288
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:20,000
This is the poster boy for Rishi's
anti-smoking campaign, right?
289
00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:20,360
This is the poster boy for Rishi's
anti-smoking campaign, right?
290
00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:21,880
It's quite the turn of phrase.
291
00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:24,600
He explained Nigel Farage's appeal.
292
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:25,960
Brace yourselves.
293
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:27,640
He told the Politico website...
294
00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:31,720
ALL GROAN.
295
00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:36,920
CAROL:Oh, my God.
296
00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:42,320
Can we get five buckets?
297
00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:46,040
Oh, my God.
298
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:48,440
Let's cleanse our palates
with thoughts of the Lib Dems.
299
00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:50,360
Of course, they had their
conference last week.
300
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,760
Ed Davey has been working
hard, as they often do,
301
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:53,760
at his visual gags.
302
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:54,840
Yes!
303
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:56,560
Prepare yourself for some
excellent visual humour.
304
00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:57,600
Let's have a look.
305
00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:00,800
CLOCK TICKS.
306
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:02,640
CAROL:Oh, what's going to happen?
307
00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:06,600
LAUGHTER.
308
00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:10,640
What was that?
309
00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:12,560
I feel like somebody's
run over a cuckoo.
310
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:13,880
What is that?
311
00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:16,280
You see on that picture
there with the curtains behind,
312
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:20,440
it's a bit like somebody going,
"The doctor will see you now."
313
00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:22,560
What do you think, Paul,
in the great pantheon
314
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:26,440
of silent comedians,
where would you put Ed Davey?
315
00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:29,320
Ninth.
316
00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:31,480
This is the Tory Party
conference, where Rishi Sunak
317
00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:33,400
announced scrapping HS2.
318
00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:35,600
Leader of the House
of Commons Penny Mordaunt made
319
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:37,240
an impassioned speech, saying...
320
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:42,920
..until an annoyed Rishi Sunak
shouted, "I am standing up!"
321
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:48,200
LAUGHTER.
322
00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,160
Environment Secretary
Therese Coffey has promised
323
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:52,040
voters she'll do something
about the mythical EU
324
00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:55,080
ban on bent bananas.
325
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:57,040
Although if you believe
Suella Braverman, a lot
326
00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:59,640
of the bananas coming here are just
pretending to be bent.
327
00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:02,720
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
328
00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:05,440
Paul and Carol, take a look at this.
329
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:06,440
Yeah.
330
00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:08,880
Oh, yes, this is the
Speaker Kevin McCarthy.
331
00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:11,280
And that's Matt Gaetz,
the man who brought him down.
332
00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:13,360
Don't know who that is.
333
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:14,640
LAUGHTER.
334
00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:16,880
So yes, Kevin McCarthy
was sacked as the Speaker,
335
00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:18,960
the first time it's ever happened
in American history.
336
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:22,840
And he only got the job in the end
cos he said that he would agree
337
00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:26,240
to a clause that anybody could get
rid of him at a moment's notice.
338
00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:27,880
Which they did.
339
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:29,160
It's a terrible mess.
340
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,320
They're even suggesting amongst
themselves that maybe Donald Trump
341
00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:32,800
could be the new Speaker.
342
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:37,080
He just needs to learn
how to speak first.
343
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:37,520
He just needs to learn
how to speak first.
344
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:40,800
But he lasted, I believe,
270 days or thereabouts,
345
00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:44,080
which is about five and a half
Liz Trusses.
346
00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:47,440
So it's not bad.
347
00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:48,480
Long time.
348
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:51,600
I'm glad we got you on for
the maths, Carol, because I wouldn't
349
00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:53,040
have been able to do that.
350
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:56,640
And do you know, while they wait
to find out who the new Speaker is,
351
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:59,040
who's doing it on a temporary basis,
do you know?
352
00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:00,080
I don't know, no.
353
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:01,120
No.
354
00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:02,160
Patrick T McHenry.
355
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:03,240
This is him.
356
00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:04,240
Rather a fun-looking chap.
357
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:06,640
He also came third in
a Richard Curtis lookalike contest.
358
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:09,480
And what was special
about his first bang of the gavel?
359
00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:11,320
Oh, he give it a real wallop.
360
00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:13,000
Let's have a look.
361
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:15,160
The Chair declares the House
in recess subject to
362
00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:15,920
the call of the Chair.
363
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:20,680
What on earth...?
364
00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:22,160
It's like the
Strengthometer of News.
365
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:23,160
Exactly.
366
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:26,560
That guy hates tables.
367
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:28,240
Why did McCarthy's
party turn on him?
368
00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:32,240
Well, because he supported
Joe Biden's spending plan, I think.
369
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:33,880
Here they are, these
are the Republicans.
370
00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:34,920
Yes.
371
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:37,960
It's like the worst-ever
Panini album.
372
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:39,400
They're all Trump supporters.
373
00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:40,440
Yes.
374
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,680
And it takes eight of them
basically to derail the US.
375
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:46,320
And all those people say,
why don't we have a government
376
00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:47,520
system more like the US?
377
00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:48,560
Well...
378
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:52,040
..this.
379
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:55,120
As you say, the Republicans
want to replace McCarthy with...
380
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:57,520
They're floating the idea
of Donald Trump, but I mean,
381
00:14:57,560 --> 00:14:58,720
it's not going to happen.
382
00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:02,040
Shall we have a look at the kind
of things he's been saying lately?
383
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:03,080
Yes.
384
00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:04,160
Let's have a look.
385
00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:07,040
There has only been, listen to this,
one such whale killed off
386
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,600
the coast of South Carolina
in the last 50 years.
387
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:13,600
But on the other hand,
their windmills are causing whales
388
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:15,600
to die in numbers never seen before.
389
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:18,240
Nobody does anything about that.
390
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:18,360
Nobody does anything about that.
391
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:19,440
Nobody does anything about that.
392
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:21,040
They're washing up ashore.
393
00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:24,760
They're washing up ashore.
394
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:25,480
I saw it this weekend,
three of 'em came up.
395
00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:26,880
I saw it this weekend,
three of 'em came up.
396
00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:27,120
I saw it this weekend,
three of 'em came up.
397
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:29,120
They wouldn't, you wouldn't see it
once a year, now they're coming
398
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:30,000
They wouldn't, you wouldn't see it
once a year, now they're coming
399
00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:30,720
up on a weekly basis.
400
00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:31,240
up on a weekly basis.
401
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:32,640
The windmills are
driving them crazy.
402
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:33,160
They're driving...
403
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:33,680
They're driving...
404
00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:35,880
They're driving the whales,
I think, a little batty.
405
00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:38,240
As always, hands all over
the clitoris of public opinion.
406
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:39,400
LAUGHTER.
407
00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:41,280
Recently, recently heard this,
he doesn't like it.
408
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:45,640
You're assuming he'd be able to find
that public opinion.
409
00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:45,880
You're assuming he'd be able to find
that public opinion.
410
00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:49,000
This is typical of the right wing,
though, like Trump is saying that
411
00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:51,680
windmills are killing whales,
and in the UK, the right wing
412
00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:53,800
is saying that the
20mph speed limit in Wales
413
00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:54,880
is killing Wales, so...
414
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:58,400
LAUGHTER.
415
00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:00,080
And what about his
latest court case?
416
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:02,080
According to The Times,
he's been accused of...
417
00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:12,080
In one instance, he overestimated
the size of a property by 200%.
418
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:13,200
And what defence...?
419
00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:14,400
Well, you're a mathematician, Carol.
420
00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:16,800
How was this explained
by Trump's lawyers?
421
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:17,840
Er...
422
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:20,160
He's an idiot.
423
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:21,400
No.
424
00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:23,400
They explained -
which I hadn't realised...
425
00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:30,680
The dangerous thing
about the Speaker crisis is it might
426
00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:32,640
be a problem for funding Ukraine.
427
00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:36,000
What key bit of kit did the UK
recently send to Ukraine to be
428
00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:38,120
used in the war effort?
429
00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:39,160
Was it a sausage?
430
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:43,080
No, but it is bendy.
431
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:44,120
A bendy bus?
432
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:48,200
Yes!
433
00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:55,720
Here's one on location.
434
00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:56,960
Oh, I get the idea.
435
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,560
It's to fool the Russians that
they're heading the wrong way.
436
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:01,760
"Look, we're in Luton.
Let's go back that way!
437
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:04,080
We're nowhere near Ukraine.
We've come the wrong way.
438
00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:07,520
We'll be in Bedford
before you know it."
439
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:10,440
The bus operator, Go-Ahead,
told the Telegraph...
440
00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:19,160
So they're more than ready
for life in a war zone.
441
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:19,480
So they're more than ready
for life in a war zone.
442
00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:24,560
This is the historic voting out
of US Speaker Kevin McCarthy.
443
00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:26,960
Despite a Republican attempt
to block aid going to Ukraine,
444
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:30,360
the US sent 1.1 million bullets
to the country, which should make
445
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:35,080
American schools slightly safer
for a couple of days.
446
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:35,240
American schools slightly safer
for a couple of days.
447
00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:37,240
So to round two,
the picture spin quiz.
448
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:38,840
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
449
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:41,280
Paul and Carol.
450
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:45,120
Paul and Carol.
451
00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:49,960
Ah, this must be the Spurs
versus Liverpool game,
452
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:50,040
Ah, this must be the Spurs
versus Liverpool game,
453
00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:52,400
and the failure of VAR to correct
a referee's mistake.
454
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:55,000
And everybody's got very upset
about it, particularly in Liverpool,
455
00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:56,240
and that's what it's about.
456
00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:57,480
Yeah, and I was furious!
457
00:17:57,520 --> 00:17:59,880
Were you?
458
00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:02,080
Let's have a look at the picture.
459
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:04,520
You can see, Ian, what's
going on here, can't you?
460
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:05,680
It appears to be football.
461
00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:07,560
Yes...
462
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:09,880
See, what it is...
463
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:12,760
This match was played during
a partial eclipse of the sun...
464
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:15,520
See, half of the pitch
is in the dark.
465
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:19,160
The point is, you can
see that he's onside,
466
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:21,760
but the goal was given offside
and it went to VAR.
467
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:22,800
Yeah.
468
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:24,040
And they upheld the decision.
469
00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:25,320
And then realised their mistake,
but it was too late.
470
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:27,520
And why did the VAR get it wrong?
471
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:29,240
One of the theories.
472
00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:31,200
Out having a fag or
something like that?
473
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:33,080
People have pointed
out that the Ryder Cup
474
00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:34,760
was in play at the same time.
475
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:35,840
Oh, no!
476
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:36,880
They're wondering...
477
00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:39,320
Well, of course, episodes
of Only Connect are also available
478
00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:40,600
at all times on iPlayer...
479
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,160
Maybe he was possibly
watching something else.
480
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:43,480
This is a theory.
481
00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:46,400
But we've actually got
the audio of the VAR room.
482
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:48,040
Yes.
483
00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:49,520
Would you like to hear it?
484
00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:50,520
Yes, please.
485
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:51,840
Yes.
486
00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:23,600
That is an extraordinary high level
of intellectual debate going on.
487
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,000
I know you feel strongly
about it, Ian, I mean...
488
00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:27,800
Yeah.
489
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:31,720
He supports Royal Engineers.
490
00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:33,440
And do they have to swear?
491
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:35,800
They are being sponsored by...
492
00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:40,440
SwearFred356.
493
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:40,520
SwearFred356.
494
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:42,520
Yeah.
495
00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:44,720
This is the controversial VAR
offside, which happened in
496
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:47,400
the recent Tottenham/Liverpool game.
497
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:50,520
It has to be said that Liverpool's
disallowed goal did see a rare
498
00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:52,480
moment of unity among other
Premier League managers,
499
00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:56,480
who all agreed that the
decision was hilarious.
500
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:58,680
In other sporting news,
at the English Open snooker
501
00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:01,640
championships, China's Ding Junhui
was penalised after playing
502
00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:05,040
in brown trousers rather
than the required black.
503
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:08,160
He did change from brown to black,
but there was quite a delay,
504
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:13,000
as first he had to put on blue
trousers, and then pink ones.
505
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:18,760
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
506
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,240
Ugh!
507
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:26,920
Ugh!
508
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:30,320
Ian and Ignacio.
509
00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:31,720
Well, the Covid Inquiry
started again.
510
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:33,280
Yes, yeah.
511
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,160
And what did we find out?
512
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:38,240
Well, the two major science officers
of this country said that this man
513
00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:39,520
was chaotic and an idiot.
514
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:44,200
Which shows you that
science does work.
515
00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:44,760
Which shows you that
science does work.
516
00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:49,120
Bloody woke science, man!
517
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:50,720
Just on the science,
Patrick Vallance said...
518
00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:59,680
I think Boris Johnson was quite
engaged by the science.
519
00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:02,280
I mean, here's the BBC's Hugh Pym
explaining how Boris took
520
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:05,160
the time to understand it.
521
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:08,040
A document on long Covid had been
circulating and it was said
522
00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:12,920
Mr Johnson had scrawled the word
"bollocks" on it.
523
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:13,320
Mr Johnson had scrawled the word
"bollocks" on it.
524
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:16,400
On a more general subject...
525
00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:17,640
Yes.
526
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:20,920
..of inquiries and investigations,
what have GB News been looking into?
527
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:24,080
Er, yes, so Laurence Fox
was on Dan Wootton's show.
528
00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:25,200
Mm-hm.
529
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,360
And he said some terrible
things about a female
530
00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:29,760
journalist called Ava Evans.
531
00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:32,160
And then there were lots
of complaints and then
532
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:34,120
Laurence Fox was sacked,
but Dan Wootton, apparently
533
00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:38,400
there's an internal
investigation into Dan Wootton.
534
00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:39,320
there's an internal
investigation into Dan Wootton.
535
00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:42,760
He's the most incompetent
broadcaster, because Laurence Fox
536
00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:45,680
is saying this stuff and Dan Wootton
is just sitting there giggling.
537
00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:48,320
He doesn't challenge it,
he doesn't agree with it, he just...
538
00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:49,320
He doesn't speak.
539
00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:51,360
Mm.
He just thinks it's funny.
540
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:52,400
More importantly, though, Carol...
541
00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:53,480
Yeah.
542
00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:58,360
..about Laurence Fox,
would you shag him?
543
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:02,840
Sorry, is Laurence Fox not
a Roald Dahl character?
544
00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:03,400
Sorry, is Laurence Fox not
a Roald Dahl character?
545
00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:06,400
Ugh!
546
00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:08,600
See, I think I probably
would, but that's no...
547
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:09,960
Victoria!
548
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:13,600
Call me Gen X, a difference
of opinion is no bar.
549
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:14,800
Who wouldn't you shag, then?
550
00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:16,400
Well...
551
00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:20,200
Not that I'm forming
a queue or anything.
552
00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:22,840
GB News is obviously re-pitching
itself as a serious news channel.
553
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,040
Yes.
554
00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:27,200
And I think we could help them
by showing one of the broadcast
555
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:28,240
highlights of the summer.
556
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,840
This is the news anchor Martin
Daubney reporting on the capture...
557
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:32,520
Do you remember that
prisoner Daniel Khalife?
558
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:36,080
And he was captured, and this
is top-notch news reporting.
559
00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:37,080
Mm.
560
00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:40,720
But first, it's the news headlines.
561
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:41,760
No, it's not.
562
00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:43,000
We're going straight to me.
563
00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:46,600
This is breaking news,
it's fast-happening.
564
00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:49,600
Because, as we just said, um,
the appre...the terror man...
565
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:53,120
LAUGHTER.
566
00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:54,360
Just here...
567
00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:57,000
Chip Chapman, we have him coming
up soon on the arrest
568
00:22:57,040 --> 00:22:59,320
of the terror suspect.
569
00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:02,760
He escaped from Wandsworth Prison
and he's been apprehended.
570
00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:05,320
It's all coming up in GB News.
571
00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:08,200
We've got our first guest...
572
00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:11,560
Yes, police have escaped...have
arrested prisoner Daniel Khalife.
573
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:14,240
Beg your pardon, we'll get
the autocue in the right place.
574
00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:15,400
This story is just happening.
575
00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:18,040
Joining me now for the latest
is GB News home security
576
00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:19,120
editor Mark White.
577
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:20,680
Are you there, Mark?
578
00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:23,240
It's Chip Chapman,
we have Chip Chapman,
579
00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:25,480
Army...for the Army,
and the former head
580
00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:28,360
of counterterrorism,
Major-General Chip Chapman.
581
00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:32,280
Chip, dramatic breaking news.
582
00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:35,320
I...I feel like we're watching him
act out the VAR conversation
583
00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:37,880
for the Liverpool...
584
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:40,520
You know, I don't think
the mainstream media have got that
585
00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:43,000
much of a threat, do you?
586
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:45,400
This is the Covid Inquiry,
which has started to look
587
00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:48,200
into the inner workings of Number 10
during the pandemic.
588
00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:50,600
According to The Times,
during the inquiry this week,
589
00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:52,960
it was revealed that Boris Johnson
was nicknamed "The Shopping
590
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:53,960
Trolley" because of his...
591
00:23:57,080 --> 00:24:01,640
And because he wouldn't go anywhere
until someone put money in.
592
00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:06,080
That's very, very good!
593
00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:06,760
That's very, very good!
594
00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:09,440
Time now for the missing words
round, which this week features
595
00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:11,120
as its guest publication
the British Origami
596
00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:12,880
Society Magazine.
597
00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:14,240
Yeah, it's going to fold!
598
00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:18,120
LAUGHTER AND BOOING.
599
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:20,720
The bi-monthly publication devoted
to the art of origami.
600
00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:22,960
Origami is Japanese,
from the words "ori" -
601
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:24,960
time, and "gami" - waste of.
602
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:29,480
Oh...
603
00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:29,600
Oh...
604
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:31,040
And we start with...
605
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:37,120
IGNACIO:Running 100 metres.
606
00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:39,040
After the runners fail drugs test.
607
00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:40,080
I'll take it.
608
00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:41,120
The answer is...
609
00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:45,400
Wow.
610
00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:46,080
Wow.
611
00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:49,120
Wow.
612
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:52,720
This was during the
Delhi Championships.
613
00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:54,920
One competitor got a personal
best of just under
614
00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:56,320
ten seconds for the 100 metres.
615
00:24:56,360 --> 00:24:57,520
Not bad for a swimmer.
616
00:24:57,560 --> 00:24:59,320
Next...
617
00:24:59,360 --> 00:25:00,600
Bishop.
618
00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:01,640
Correct.
No, it is.
619
00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:02,640
Is it?
620
00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:03,680
Yeah, Mr Bishop.
621
00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:04,880
I thought it was Archie.
622
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,040
CAROL:Man called the
Make Me A Bishop hotline,
623
00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:09,080
then becomes Bishop.
624
00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:12,400
The answer's already come up.
625
00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:13,680
Oh!
626
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:14,720
Paul is correct.
627
00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:16,120
Man called Mr Bishop becomes Bishop.
628
00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:18,960
As you can see down there.
629
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:22,000
I'd call that more than a clue.
I'll get the hang of this!
630
00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:23,440
That's more than a clue, that.
631
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:24,880
He won't be called Bishop Bishop.
632
00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:25,960
Will he not?
633
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:28,800
No, he'll be called his first name.
They're called Bishop Andrew, or...
634
00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:30,480
Oh, yes, yes, he will, won't he?
635
00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:32,400
So, my answer of Archie
is interesting because...
636
00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:34,240
Oh, Archie Bishop.
637
00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:36,120
..he would then be
called Bishop Archie...
638
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:37,800
Yes.
639
00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:41,400
Anyway, I just bring it up as a...
640
00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:44,360
After being consecrated in Thetford,
the new bishop was visibly moved,
641
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:47,680
presumably diagonally.
642
00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:51,360
LAUGHTER AND GROANS.
643
00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:53,200
Next...
644
00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:59,440
Are dead!
645
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:01,360
Are made out of paper.
646
00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,240
Are folded.
647
00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:05,760
Have been put down.
648
00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:08,880
You're both close.
649
00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:11,320
It is to do with being dead, but...
650
00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:13,640
Oh, dear.
..I can't give it.
651
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:17,160
Origami is still hugely popular
in Japan, even more so now,
652
00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:21,760
Origami is still hugely popular
in Japan, even more so now,
653
00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:24,160
because if your effort turns out
to be weirdly misshapen,
654
00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:28,480
you can simply claim it's a creature
from the beaches at Fukushima.
655
00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:29,440
you can simply claim it's a creature
from the beaches at Fukushima.
656
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:31,200
"Dear Victoria.
657
00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:35,200
So you think that's an appropriate
topic for humour, do you?"
658
00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:40,120
There, I've saved you the trouble.
659
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:40,400
There, I've saved you the trouble.
660
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:46,440
And finally...
661
00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:50,600
IGNACIO:Any ugly people in Sweden.
662
00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:52,520
Is it Norway?
663
00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:55,360
No.
664
00:26:58,080 --> 00:27:00,560
According to the
competition organiser...
665
00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:07,760
Well, it certainly is in
the films I've seen.
666
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:07,920
Well, it certainly is in
the films I've seen.
667
00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:10,960
So, the final scores are:
668
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:13,080
Ian and Ignacio have four,
669
00:27:13,120 --> 00:27:15,080
Paul and Carol have six.
670
00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:17,040
Oh, outrageous.
671
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:18,880
Sorry, you were actually right....
672
00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:20,600
APPLAUSE.
673
00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:23,000
Before we go, there's just time
for the caption competition.
674
00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:24,760
Ian and Ignacio have this.
675
00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:29,760
"Oh, look, there's
the cost of living."
676
00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:34,320
Are they saying, "Oh, we wondered
what happened to Epstein's jet"?
677
00:27:34,360 --> 00:27:34,880
Are they saying, "Oh, we wondered
what happened to Epstein's jet"?
678
00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:37,520
Paul and Carol get this.
679
00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:42,800
"Arts Council cuts hit
the London Symphony Orchestra."
680
00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:46,120
On which note, we say thank
you to our panellists,
681
00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:48,520
Ian Hislop and Ignacio Lopez,
Paul Merton and Carol Vorderman.
682
00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:51,640
And I leave you with news that
in Washington, to counter the claim
683
00:27:51,680 --> 00:27:54,520
that he has no successor,
Joe Biden meets some of the young
684
00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:59,720
Democrats coming through.
685
00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:02,760
At the Tory conference,
one staffer whispers to a colleague,
686
00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:04,960
"Don't look round, but apparently
that nutter Liz Truss
687
00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:09,400
is here somewhere."
688
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:09,560
is here somewhere."
689
00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:11,800
And as they tend to their
first-floor window box,
690
00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:13,760
an elderly couple spot their son
and daughter-in-law
691
00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:18,960
coming up the drive.
692
00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:20,720
Goodnight.
693
00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:25,360
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
694
00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:25,920
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
695
00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:36,760
Checking possible wrong score,
6-4 to Ian on the board.
696
00:28:36,800 --> 00:28:39,160
That's fine, check
complete, check complete.
697
00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:40,840
Well done, boys, good process.
698
00:28:40,880 --> 00:28:42,320
Wait, wait, wait.
699
00:28:42,360 --> 00:28:43,560
On-field decision was 6-4 Paul.
700
00:28:43,600 --> 00:28:44,600
Yeah.
701
00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:46,520
Yeah, win for...win for Paul.
702
00:28:46,560 --> 00:28:47,560
That's wrong, Daz.
703
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:49,040
It should have been for Ian.
704
00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:50,040
BLEEP!
705
00:28:50,080 --> 00:28:51,080
Delay, delay.
706
00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:52,160
Stop...stop the show.
707
00:28:52,200 --> 00:28:53,160
Delay.
708
00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:54,400
I can't, we've played on.
709
00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:56,920
{\an8}BLEEP!