CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News for You?
I'm Victoria Coren Mitchell.
In the news this week...
During lunchtime drinks at the Conservative Party
conference, Therese Coffey attempts to dispel the method
that the Government couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery.
LAUGHTER.
Emmanuel Macron saves himself at the 11th hour
after realising that Camilla had a packet of scampi fries
on the train to Paris.
LAUGHTER.
And in Stockport, the man who's been putting dog
excrement through Angela Rayner's letterbox is caught on camera.
LAUGHTER.
On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who describes himself
as Spain's best export, and with post-Brexit import fees
we were lucky to afford him.
Please welcome Ignacio Lopez.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
On Paul's team tonight is a writer and broadcaster
who has a pilot's licence and is aiming to one day fly
solo around the world.
Sounds tough, but it's easier than getting from Birmingham
to Manchester by train.
Please welcome Carol Vorderman.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
Ian and Ignacio, have a look at this.
Oh, yes.
"Hi, I'm Prime Minister.
Yeah, yeah, I am. I am."
That's the annual Handing Out Contracts To Mates festival.
That's the next Prime Minister.
God.
That's where they want to take us back to.
And no-one will sit next to her.
I think that seat was reserved for a head of lettuce.
Where do you want to start?
Well, why don't we start with the warm-up for
the Prime Minister, did you see that?
He was warmed up by his wife.
Yes.
Usually you're introduced by a colleague or a friend.
But that's obviously not going to happen.
This time, Rishi decided he'd get his wife to come on,
and she came on and said "He's a really good bloke, he's decent,
he's honourable," and you thought, "This is the Conservative Party!
This isn't going to work."
Should have come on and said, "Look, he's a pathological liar,
he's completely economically illiterate, vote for him."
They'd have been screaming, on their feet!
She did actually describe him as "my best friend".
Yeah.
She said, "We're one team," which will interest the Revenue.
LAUGHTER.
And what was the big announcement that he had to make?
That he's still Prime Minister.
One year on.
The big thing they're going to do, or perhaps not going to do.
Is it something to do with HS2, by any chance, yeah?
Yeah.
Because they're following on their policy "stop the boats",
and also the trains.
LAUGHTER.
APPLAUSE.
This is amazing, though.
They went to Manchester to announce that they're not going to take
the high-speed train to Manchester.
The implication presumably, "Well, we've been here now,
we won't need to come again."
Is there anything good to be said about that decision?
I think it's quite a good decision.
I mean, for years we've been saying this is a colossal waste of money,
it's staggering, the mismanagement.
It is a colossal failure in cost management so I'm quite
happy to scrap the lot.
What, the Conservative Party?
Yeah.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
They sort of announced, "OK, we're not going to do this,
we said we were going to but we're not going to do it, but here's
a whole bunch of schemes that we are going to do."
But then so many of the schemes that they announced on the Wednesday,
we found already exist, like extending the tram system
in Manchester to Manchester Airport, which actually opened in 2014.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
It's a bit safer, isn't it, announcing things that
have already happened.
They're not even sure that it will reach London.
No.
It might not get to Euston.
You'll have to sort of speed from Birmingham and then get off
and walk the last four miles.
It's a £36 billion saving, apparently.
Yes.
They said...
At which point someone shouted "house!"
He was desperately trying to do politics, which isn't
really Sunak's strength.
Which was to try and save the big announcement for himself,
which meant that he had to spend three days effectively lying.
Well, the Sun newspaper, for some reason, described
the high-speed rail link as
"the woke HS2".
So I thought we might play a game of
Woke, Broke Or Having A Smoke?
LAUGHTER.
Are you serious about this?
Oh, yes.
Here's the first one.
OK!
It's science, it's the concept of science.
Well, it's broke.
No, it's woke!
Oh, this was a fringe meeting about whether the Earth was flat.
"Yeah, science, woke blob, libtard left...
BLUSTERS.
..something."
You know, if somebody invented a robot that looked like Ian,
it would behave like that.
Let's try another one.
What's this?
BUZZER.
Going for a smoke.
Smoked meat.
It's not smoke.
BELL.
Is it veganism?
And what would that be, do you think?
Well, that's woke as heck, isn't it?
I mean...
This is fake meat.
Oh, right.
Have you heard about this?
Here's some actual fake meat.
And what's wrong with fake meat, do you think?
I'm sure I've seen British people floating on these
in Spain in swimming pools.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
This is the tax on meat.
Is that right?
Whose policy is that?
Well, it's like all these things, they're not saying there's
going to be a tax on meat.
That was just made up.
Shall we have a look at Claire Coutinho, this
season's Energy Secretary, talking about it on Sky News?
You said, "It's no wonder Labour seem so relaxed about taxing meat -
Sir Keir Starmer doesn't eat it and Ed Miliband is clearly
scarred by his encounter with a bacon sandwich."
Did you...
You didn't write that, did you?
I did actually write that.
I think, you know, it's good to have a light moment
in your speech as well. But...
They're not proposing a meat tax.
Are they? I missed that.
The point is actually very serious.
So some of the things that Labour are proposing are incredibly hard
for working families. But what's the meat tax?
So whether you have... What's the meat tax?
That's what you're saying here.
Well, so the point is they are proposing things
which are pushing families too hard, so you've got things
like the ULEZ tax expansion... That's not a meat tax.
..which does cost families £12.50 a day.
It's not a meat tax, though, is it? But that is very difficult.
And they've got things like proposing that you would
decarbonise the electricity grid by 2030, again which would
result in very difficult choices for families.
Also not a meat tax.
Genuinely, there isn't a meat tax.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
It does seem the Conservatives constantly
leave a massive open goal and Keir Starmer's just
kind of behind it, vaping and playing Wordle.
I mean, it's...
That's Labour's main policy.
"We're not Conservatives."
It's quite...
It's a great policy!
Would you like to see Michael Gove jogging?
No.
No, we say no.
But it's part of the quiz, cos I want to know, is he woke,
broke, or having a smoke?
Let's have a look.
Go on, then.
I think the answer is he's having a stroke.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
CAROL:Lord above.
I don't what he's got in his left-hand pocket but he ought
to see a doctor about that.
Pointing the way to Chichester.
I'm sure I read somewhere that he was caught having a fag
on the balcony in the hotel and it wasn't allowed or something.
Exactly right!
Oh, yes!
Get in there!
He was having a smoke.
That went right in there, then.
It was very exciting.
How is smoking going to get more difficult for young people?
Because they're going to start banning people
from buying cigarettes when they're 14
and they'll increase it every year.
I think that's the plan, is that the idea is not to be too
cruel to people that smoke already.
They'll raise the smoking age every year, so you're sort of chasing it,
and people that are 14 will never get...
They haven't said if they're going to do the same
with the pension age.
It was also noted that he hadn't banned vaping, and it's nothing
to do with the £300,000 donation to the Tory party from someone
who has a vaping company.
Nothing to do with that at all.
What, are you saying that the cigarette companies
haven't given them more?
Good point.
That's pretty shocking.
It is.
Would you like, and I would think carefully before you answer this
question, to see Priti Patel and Nigel Farage
enjoying themselves?
Oh, no!
Um...
..yes.
I mean, brace yourselves, this is a tough watch.
Won't be able to unsee it.
OK, all right.
Here we go.
MUSIC: Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You by Andy Williams.
# Ba ba da, ba da, ba da da da... #
It's not often you see a double Nazi salute, is it?
Don't often see one of those.
APPLAUSE.
Was that the Liz Truss event, the growth event?
No, it's the GB News disco.
AUDIENCE GROANS.
Oh!
Lord! Wow.
Although they did go to Liz Truss's event.
What was that called?
I've Learnt Nothing.
Yeah.
Let's Make Britain Grow Again, that was called.
Let's Remove This Growth.
Has This Woman No Shame?
The conference did last longer than her premiership, so...
But why is Nigel Farage there?
What's he doing at the conference?
What does it mean?
Well, he's taking over the party.
Some people say he's going to be leader, he's going to become leader.
No. No, I can't see that.
Leader of what?
The Conservative Party.
He'll come in as leader.
You're just trying to scare people late at night.
No, it's the charisma, it's the sort of froggy
charisma of the man.
No.
It's what's being said.
And I tell you what, some Conservatives are delighted
because of his electoral attributes.
How did this man, Gawain Towler, former UKIP aide, how did
he explain Farage's appeal?
Well, first of all he was very annoyed because he was
raised from the dead.
LAUGHTER.
This is the poster boy for Rishi's anti-smoking campaign, right?
It's quite the turn of phrase.
He explained Nigel Farage's appeal.
Brace yourselves.
He told the Politico website...
ALL GROAN.
CAROL:Oh, my God.
Can we get five buckets?
Oh, my God.
Let's cleanse our palates with thoughts of the Lib Dems.
Of course, they had their conference last week.
Ed Davey has been working hard, as they often do,
at his visual gags.
Yes!
Prepare yourself for some excellent visual humour.
Let's have a look.
CLOCK TICKS.
CAROL:Oh, what's going to happen?
LAUGHTER.
What was that?
I feel like somebody's run over a cuckoo.
What is that?
You see on that picture there with the curtains behind,
it's a bit like somebody going, "The doctor will see you now."
What do you think, Paul, in the great pantheon
of silent comedians, where would you put Ed Davey?
Ninth.
This is the Tory Party conference, where Rishi Sunak
announced scrapping HS2.
Leader of the House of Commons Penny Mordaunt made
an impassioned speech, saying...
..until an annoyed Rishi Sunak shouted, "I am standing up!"
LAUGHTER.
Environment Secretary Therese Coffey has promised
voters she'll do something about the mythical EU
ban on bent bananas.
Although if you believe Suella Braverman, a lot
of the bananas coming here are just pretending to be bent.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
Paul and Carol, take a look at this.
Yeah.
Oh, yes, this is the Speaker Kevin McCarthy.
And that's Matt Gaetz, the man who brought him down.
Don't know who that is.
LAUGHTER.
So yes, Kevin McCarthy was sacked as the Speaker,
the first time it's ever happened in American history.
And he only got the job in the end cos he said that he would agree
to a clause that anybody could get rid of him at a moment's notice.
Which they did.
It's a terrible mess.
They're even suggesting amongst themselves that maybe Donald Trump
could be the new Speaker.
He just needs to learn how to speak first.
But he lasted, I believe, 270 days or thereabouts,
which is about five and a half Liz Trusses.
So it's not bad.
Long time.
I'm glad we got you on for the maths, Carol, because I wouldn't
have been able to do that.
And do you know, while they wait to find out who the new Speaker is,
who's doing it on a temporary basis, do you know?
I don't know, no.
No.
Patrick T McHenry.
This is him.
Rather a fun-looking chap.
He also came third in a Richard Curtis lookalike contest.
And what was special about his first bang of the gavel?
Oh, he give it a real wallop.
Let's have a look.
The Chair declares the House in recess subject to
the call of the Chair.
What on earth...?
It's like the Strengthometer of News.
Exactly.
That guy hates tables.
Why did McCarthy's party turn on him?
Well, because he supported Joe Biden's spending plan, I think.
Here they are, these are the Republicans.
Yes.
It's like the worst-ever Panini album.
They're all Trump supporters.
Yes.
And it takes eight of them basically to derail the US.
And all those people say, why don't we have a government
system more like the US?
Well...
..this.
As you say, the Republicans want to replace McCarthy with...
They're floating the idea of Donald Trump, but I mean,
it's not going to happen.
Shall we have a look at the kind of things he's been saying lately?
Yes.
Let's have a look.
There has only been, listen to this, one such whale killed off
the coast of South Carolina in the last 50 years.
But on the other hand, their windmills are causing whales
to die in numbers never seen before.
Nobody does anything about that.
They're washing up ashore.
I saw it this weekend, three of 'em came up.
They wouldn't, you wouldn't see it once a year, now they're coming
up on a weekly basis.
The windmills are driving them crazy.
They're driving...
They're driving the whales, I think, a little batty.
As always, hands all over the clitoris of public opinion.
LAUGHTER.
Recently, recently heard this, he doesn't like it.
You're assuming he'd be able to find that public opinion.
This is typical of the right wing, though, like Trump is saying that
windmills are killing whales, and in the UK, the right wing
is saying that the 20mph speed limit in Wales
is killing Wales, so...
LAUGHTER.
And what about his latest court case?
According to The Times, he's been accused of...
In one instance, he overestimated the size of a property by 200%.
And what defence...?
Well, you're a mathematician, Carol.
How was this explained by Trump's lawyers?
Er...
He's an idiot.
No.
They explained - which I hadn't realised...
The dangerous thing about the Speaker crisis is it might
be a problem for funding Ukraine.
What key bit of kit did the UK recently send to Ukraine to be
used in the war effort?
Was it a sausage?
No, but it is bendy.
A bendy bus?
Yes!
Here's one on location.
Oh, I get the idea.
It's to fool the Russians that they're heading the wrong way.
"Look, we're in Luton. Let's go back that way!
We're nowhere near Ukraine. We've come the wrong way.
We'll be in Bedford before you know it."
The bus operator, Go-Ahead, told the Telegraph...
So they're more than ready for life in a war zone.
This is the historic voting out of US Speaker Kevin McCarthy.
Despite a Republican attempt to block aid going to Ukraine,
the US sent 1.1 million bullets to the country, which should make
American schools slightly safer for a couple of days.
So to round two, the picture spin quiz.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
Paul and Carol.
Ah, this must be the Spurs versus Liverpool game,
and the failure of VAR to correct a referee's mistake.
And everybody's got very upset about it, particularly in Liverpool,
and that's what it's about.
Yeah, and I was furious!
Were you?
Let's have a look at the picture.
You can see, Ian, what's going on here, can't you?
It appears to be football.
Yes...
See, what it is...
This match was played during a partial eclipse of the sun...
See, half of the pitch is in the dark.
The point is, you can see that he's onside,
but the goal was given offside and it went to VAR.
Yeah.
And they upheld the decision.
And then realised their mistake, but it was too late.
And why did the VAR get it wrong?
One of the theories.
Out having a fag or something like that?
People have pointed out that the Ryder Cup
was in play at the same time.
Oh, no!
They're wondering...
Well, of course, episodes of Only Connect are also available
at all times on iPlayer...
Maybe he was possibly watching something else.
This is a theory.
But we've actually got the audio of the VAR room.
Yes.
Would you like to hear it?
Yes, please.
Yes.
That is an extraordinary high level of intellectual debate going on.
I know you feel strongly about it, Ian, I mean...
Yeah.
He supports Royal Engineers.
And do they have to swear?
They are being sponsored by...
SwearFred356.
Yeah.
This is the controversial VAR offside, which happened in
the recent Tottenham/Liverpool game.
It has to be said that Liverpool's disallowed goal did see a rare
moment of unity among other Premier League managers,
who all agreed that the decision was hilarious.
In other sporting news, at the English Open snooker
championships, China's Ding Junhui was penalised after playing
in brown trousers rather than the required black.
He did change from brown to black, but there was quite a delay,
as first he had to put on blue trousers, and then pink ones.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
Ugh!
Ian and Ignacio.
Well, the Covid Inquiry started again.
Yes, yeah.
And what did we find out?
Well, the two major science officers of this country said that this man
was chaotic and an idiot.
Which shows you that science does work.
Bloody woke science, man!
Just on the science, Patrick Vallance said...
I think Boris Johnson was quite engaged by the science.
I mean, here's the BBC's Hugh Pym explaining how Boris took
the time to understand it.
A document on long Covid had been circulating and it was said
Mr Johnson had scrawled the word "bollocks" on it.
On a more general subject...
Yes.
..of inquiries and investigations, what have GB News been looking into?
Er, yes, so Laurence Fox was on Dan Wootton's show.
Mm-hm.
And he said some terrible things about a female
journalist called Ava Evans.
And then there were lots of complaints and then
Laurence Fox was sacked, but Dan Wootton, apparently
there's an internal investigation into Dan Wootton.
He's the most incompetent broadcaster, because Laurence Fox
is saying this stuff and Dan Wootton is just sitting there giggling.
He doesn't challenge it, he doesn't agree with it, he just...
He doesn't speak.
Mm. He just thinks it's funny.
More importantly, though, Carol...
Yeah.
..about Laurence Fox, would you shag him?
Sorry, is Laurence Fox not a Roald Dahl character?
Ugh!
See, I think I probably would, but that's no...
Victoria!
Call me Gen X, a difference of opinion is no bar.
Who wouldn't you shag, then?
Well...
Not that I'm forming a queue or anything.
GB News is obviously re-pitching itself as a serious news channel.
Yes.
And I think we could help them by showing one of the broadcast
highlights of the summer.
This is the news anchor Martin Daubney reporting on the capture...
Do you remember that prisoner Daniel Khalife?
And he was captured, and this is top-notch news reporting.
Mm.
But first, it's the news headlines.
No, it's not.
We're going straight to me.
This is breaking news, it's fast-happening.
Because, as we just said, um, the appre...the terror man...
LAUGHTER.
Just here...
Chip Chapman, we have him coming up soon on the arrest
of the terror suspect.
He escaped from Wandsworth Prison and he's been apprehended.
It's all coming up in GB News.
We've got our first guest...
Yes, police have escaped...have arrested prisoner Daniel Khalife.
Beg your pardon, we'll get the autocue in the right place.
This story is just happening.
Joining me now for the latest is GB News home security
editor Mark White.
Are you there, Mark?
It's Chip Chapman, we have Chip Chapman,
Army...for the Army, and the former head
of counterterrorism, Major-General Chip Chapman.
Chip, dramatic breaking news.
I...I feel like we're watching him act out the VAR conversation
for the Liverpool...
You know, I don't think the mainstream media have got that
much of a threat, do you?
This is the Covid Inquiry, which has started to look
into the inner workings of Number 10 during the pandemic.
According to The Times, during the inquiry this week,
it was revealed that Boris Johnson was nicknamed "The Shopping
Trolley" because of his...
And because he wouldn't go anywhere until someone put money in.
That's very, very good!
Time now for the missing words round, which this week features
as its guest publication the British Origami
Society Magazine.
Yeah, it's going to fold!
LAUGHTER AND BOOING.
The bi-monthly publication devoted to the art of origami.
Origami is Japanese, from the words "ori" -
time, and "gami" - waste of.
Oh...
And we start with...
IGNACIO:Running 100 metres.
After the runners fail drugs test.
I'll take it.
The answer is...
Wow.
This was during the Delhi Championships.
One competitor got a personal best of just under
ten seconds for the 100 metres.
Not bad for a swimmer.
Next...
Bishop.
Correct. No, it is.
Is it?
Yeah, Mr Bishop.
I thought it was Archie.
CAROL:Man called the Make Me A Bishop hotline,
then becomes Bishop.
The answer's already come up.
Oh!
Paul is correct.
Man called Mr Bishop becomes Bishop.
As you can see down there.
I'd call that more than a clue. I'll get the hang of this!
That's more than a clue, that.
He won't be called Bishop Bishop.
Will he not?
No, he'll be called his first name. They're called Bishop Andrew, or...
Oh, yes, yes, he will, won't he?
So, my answer of Archie is interesting because...
Oh, Archie Bishop.
..he would then be called Bishop Archie...
Yes.
Anyway, I just bring it up as a...
After being consecrated in Thetford, the new bishop was visibly moved,
presumably diagonally.
LAUGHTER AND GROANS.
Next...
Are dead!
Are made out of paper.
Are folded.
Have been put down.
You're both close.
It is to do with being dead, but...
Oh, dear. ..I can't give it.
Origami is still hugely popular in Japan, even more so now,
because if your effort turns out to be weirdly misshapen,
you can simply claim it's a creature from the beaches at Fukushima.
"Dear Victoria.
So you think that's an appropriate topic for humour, do you?"
There, I've saved you the trouble.
And finally...
IGNACIO:Any ugly people in Sweden.
Is it Norway?
No.
According to the competition organiser...
Well, it certainly is in the films I've seen.
So, the final scores are:
Ian and Ignacio have four,
Paul and Carol have six.
Oh, outrageous.
Sorry, you were actually right....
APPLAUSE.
Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
Ian and Ignacio have this.
"Oh, look, there's the cost of living."
Are they saying, "Oh, we wondered what happened to Epstein's jet"?
Paul and Carol get this.
"Arts Council cuts hit the London Symphony Orchestra."
On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
Ian Hislop and Ignacio Lopez, Paul Merton and Carol Vorderman.
And I leave you with news that in Washington, to counter the claim
that he has no successor, Joe Biden meets some of the young
Democrats coming through.
At the Tory conference, one staffer whispers to a colleague,
"Don't look round, but apparently that nutter Liz Truss
is here somewhere."
And as they tend to their first-floor window box,
an elderly couple spot their son and daughter-in-law
coming up the drive.
Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
Checking possible wrong score, 6-4 to Ian on the board.
That's fine, check complete, check complete.
Well done, boys, good process.
Wait, wait, wait.
On-field decision was 6-4 Paul.
Yeah.
Yeah, win for...win for Paul.
That's wrong, Daz.
It should have been for Ian.
BLEEP!
Delay, delay.
Stop...stop the show.
Delay.
I can't, we've played on.
BLEEP!