1 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:31,880 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. 2 00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:32,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. 3 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:43,360 Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News for You? 4 00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:44,600 I'm Victoria Coren Mitchell. 5 00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:47,640 In the news this week... 6 00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:51,720 During lunchtime drinks at the Conservative Party 7 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,640 conference, Therese Coffey attempts to dispel the method 8 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:56,040 that the Government couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery. 9 00:00:56,080 --> 00:01:00,600 LAUGHTER. 10 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:01,280 LAUGHTER. 11 00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:06,960 Emmanuel Macron saves himself at the 11th hour 12 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,400 after realising that Camilla had a packet of scampi fries 13 00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:13,440 on the train to Paris. 14 00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:18,640 LAUGHTER. 15 00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:22,280 And in Stockport, the man who's been putting dog 16 00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:26,320 excrement through Angela Rayner's letterbox is caught on camera. 17 00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:31,400 LAUGHTER. 18 00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:31,560 LAUGHTER. 19 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:40,000 On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who describes himself 20 00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:42,160 as Spain's best export, and with post-Brexit import fees 21 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:43,640 we were lucky to afford him. 22 00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:46,000 Please welcome Ignacio Lopez. 23 00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:50,480 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. 24 00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:53,200 On Paul's team tonight is a writer and broadcaster 25 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:56,080 who has a pilot's licence and is aiming to one day fly 26 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:57,600 solo around the world. 27 00:01:57,640 --> 00:01:59,720 Sounds tough, but it's easier than getting from Birmingham 28 00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:01,720 to Manchester by train. 29 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:03,160 Please welcome Carol Vorderman. 30 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:07,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. 31 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:08,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. 32 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:11,240 We begin with the bigger news stories of the week. 33 00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:13,240 Ian and Ignacio, have a look at this. 34 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:14,280 Oh, yes. 35 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:15,320 "Hi, I'm Prime Minister. 36 00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:16,880 Yeah, yeah, I am. I am." 37 00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:21,320 That's the annual Handing Out Contracts To Mates festival. 38 00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:22,480 That's the next Prime Minister. 39 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:24,280 God. 40 00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:26,440 That's where they want to take us back to. 41 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:30,600 And no-one will sit next to her. 42 00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:35,160 I think that seat was reserved for a head of lettuce. 43 00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:35,800 I think that seat was reserved for a head of lettuce. 44 00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:39,360 Where do you want to start? 45 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:41,560 Well, why don't we start with the warm-up for 46 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:43,200 the Prime Minister, did you see that? 47 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:44,840 He was warmed up by his wife. 48 00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:45,920 Yes. 49 00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:48,080 Usually you're introduced by a colleague or a friend. 50 00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:50,880 But that's obviously not going to happen. 51 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:53,800 This time, Rishi decided he'd get his wife to come on, 52 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,960 and she came on and said "He's a really good bloke, he's decent, 53 00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:59,320 he's honourable," and you thought, "This is the Conservative Party! 54 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:02,640 This isn't going to work." 55 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:05,280 Should have come on and said, "Look, he's a pathological liar, 56 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:07,680 he's completely economically illiterate, vote for him." 57 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:11,360 They'd have been screaming, on their feet! 58 00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:14,440 She did actually describe him as "my best friend". 59 00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:15,520 Yeah. 60 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:18,800 She said, "We're one team," which will interest the Revenue. 61 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:23,640 LAUGHTER. 62 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:26,320 And what was the big announcement that he had to make? 63 00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:28,720 That he's still Prime Minister. 64 00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:31,160 One year on. 65 00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:34,280 The big thing they're going to do, or perhaps not going to do. 66 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:37,120 Is it something to do with HS2, by any chance, yeah? 67 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:38,360 Yeah. 68 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:40,520 Because they're following on their policy "stop the boats", 69 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:41,560 and also the trains. 70 00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:43,480 LAUGHTER. 71 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:47,480 APPLAUSE. 72 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:48,880 This is amazing, though. 73 00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:51,760 They went to Manchester to announce that they're not going to take 74 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:52,920 the high-speed train to Manchester. 75 00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:54,880 The implication presumably, "Well, we've been here now, 76 00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:56,360 we won't need to come again." 77 00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:58,720 Is there anything good to be said about that decision? 78 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:00,440 I think it's quite a good decision. 79 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:03,760 I mean, for years we've been saying this is a colossal waste of money, 80 00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:04,960 it's staggering, the mismanagement. 81 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:07,640 It is a colossal failure in cost management so I'm quite 82 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:09,240 happy to scrap the lot. 83 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:10,680 What, the Conservative Party? 84 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:11,720 Yeah. 85 00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:16,080 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE. 86 00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:16,200 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE. 87 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,880 They sort of announced, "OK, we're not going to do this, 88 00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:22,480 we said we were going to but we're not going to do it, but here's 89 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:25,080 a whole bunch of schemes that we are going to do." 90 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:28,200 But then so many of the schemes that they announced on the Wednesday, 91 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:30,360 we found already exist, like extending the tram system 92 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,760 in Manchester to Manchester Airport, which actually opened in 2014. 93 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:33,800 Oh, right. 94 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:34,880 Yeah. 95 00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:37,000 It's a bit safer, isn't it, announcing things that 96 00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:38,560 have already happened. 97 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:40,680 They're not even sure that it will reach London. 98 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:41,720 No. 99 00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:43,200 It might not get to Euston. 100 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:46,040 You'll have to sort of speed from Birmingham and then get off 101 00:04:46,080 --> 00:04:49,560 and walk the last four miles. 102 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:51,360 It's a £36 billion saving, apparently. 103 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:52,400 Yes. 104 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,720 They said... 105 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:05,960 At which point someone shouted "house!" 106 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,120 He was desperately trying to do politics, which isn't 107 00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:12,160 really Sunak's strength. 108 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:15,080 Which was to try and save the big announcement for himself, 109 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:18,880 which meant that he had to spend three days effectively lying. 110 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:20,840 Well, the Sun newspaper, for some reason, described 111 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:22,280 the high-speed rail link as 112 00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:27,280 "the woke HS2". 113 00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:27,440 "the woke HS2". 114 00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:30,440 So I thought we might play a game of 115 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:33,400 Woke, Broke Or Having A Smoke? 116 00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:37,880 LAUGHTER. 117 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:38,240 LAUGHTER. 118 00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:41,280 Are you serious about this? 119 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:42,840 Oh, yes. 120 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:44,160 Here's the first one. 121 00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:45,240 OK! 122 00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:47,440 It's science, it's the concept of science. 123 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:48,800 Well, it's broke. 124 00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:50,000 No, it's woke! 125 00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:54,920 Oh, this was a fringe meeting about whether the Earth was flat. 126 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:55,200 Oh, this was a fringe meeting about whether the Earth was flat. 127 00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:58,280 "Yeah, science, woke blob, libtard left... 128 00:05:58,320 --> 00:05:59,880 BLUSTERS. 129 00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:01,480 ..something." 130 00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:04,120 You know, if somebody invented a robot that looked like Ian, 131 00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:08,720 it would behave like that. 132 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:09,280 it would behave like that. 133 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:10,400 Let's try another one. 134 00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:11,760 What's this? 135 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:13,280 BUZZER. 136 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:14,280 Going for a smoke. 137 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,640 Smoked meat. 138 00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:17,720 It's not smoke. 139 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:18,760 BELL. 140 00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:19,800 Is it veganism? 141 00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:21,720 And what would that be, do you think? 142 00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:23,360 Well, that's woke as heck, isn't it? 143 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:24,480 I mean... 144 00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:25,520 This is fake meat. 145 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:26,520 Oh, right. 146 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:27,720 Have you heard about this? 147 00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:28,920 Here's some actual fake meat. 148 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:31,600 And what's wrong with fake meat, do you think? 149 00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:33,720 I'm sure I've seen British people floating on these 150 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:34,920 in Spain in swimming pools. 151 00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:38,480 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE. 152 00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:39,920 This is the tax on meat. 153 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:40,960 Is that right? 154 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,200 Whose policy is that? 155 00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:44,600 Well, it's like all these things, they're not saying there's 156 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:46,280 going to be a tax on meat. 157 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:47,480 That was just made up. 158 00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:49,640 Shall we have a look at Claire Coutinho, this 159 00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:51,800 season's Energy Secretary, talking about it on Sky News? 160 00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:55,520 You said, "It's no wonder Labour seem so relaxed about taxing meat - 161 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:58,160 Sir Keir Starmer doesn't eat it and Ed Miliband is clearly 162 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:00,880 scarred by his encounter with a bacon sandwich." 163 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,600 Did you... 164 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:04,080 You didn't write that, did you? 165 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:05,520 I did actually write that. 166 00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:08,240 I think, you know, it's good to have a light moment 167 00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:09,640 in your speech as well. But... 168 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:11,120 They're not proposing a meat tax. 169 00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:12,320 Are they? I missed that. 170 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:14,360 The point is actually very serious. 171 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:17,240 So some of the things that Labour are proposing are incredibly hard 172 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:19,120 for working families. But what's the meat tax? 173 00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:21,080 So whether you have... What's the meat tax? 174 00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:22,320 That's what you're saying here. 175 00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:25,040 Well, so the point is they are proposing things 176 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:27,440 which are pushing families too hard, so you've got things 177 00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:29,800 like the ULEZ tax expansion... That's not a meat tax. 178 00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:31,480 ..which does cost families £12.50 a day. 179 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:34,600 It's not a meat tax, though, is it? But that is very difficult. 180 00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:36,760 And they've got things like proposing that you would 181 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:38,880 decarbonise the electricity grid by 2030, again which would 182 00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:40,640 result in very difficult choices for families. 183 00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:42,120 Also not a meat tax. 184 00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:45,040 Genuinely, there isn't a meat tax. 185 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:49,640 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE. 186 00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:50,120 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE. 187 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:51,760 It does seem the Conservatives constantly 188 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:53,920 leave a massive open goal and Keir Starmer's just 189 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,800 kind of behind it, vaping and playing Wordle. 190 00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:59,120 I mean, it's... 191 00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:00,640 That's Labour's main policy. 192 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:02,960 "We're not Conservatives." 193 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,000 It's quite... 194 00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:06,800 It's a great policy! 195 00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:08,680 Would you like to see Michael Gove jogging? 196 00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:09,720 No. 197 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:11,240 No, we say no. 198 00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:14,560 But it's part of the quiz, cos I want to know, is he woke, 199 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:15,800 broke, or having a smoke? 200 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:16,800 Let's have a look. 201 00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:17,880 Go on, then. 202 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:20,040 I think the answer is he's having a stroke. 203 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:23,560 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE. 204 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:24,960 CAROL:Lord above. 205 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,840 I don't what he's got in his left-hand pocket but he ought 206 00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:30,080 to see a doctor about that. 207 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:32,600 Pointing the way to Chichester. 208 00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:36,160 I'm sure I read somewhere that he was caught having a fag 209 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:39,480 on the balcony in the hotel and it wasn't allowed or something. 210 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:40,520 Exactly right! 211 00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:41,600 Oh, yes! 212 00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:42,600 Get in there! 213 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:44,640 He was having a smoke. 214 00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:46,320 That went right in there, then. 215 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:48,000 It was very exciting. 216 00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:50,600 How is smoking going to get more difficult for young people? 217 00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:52,320 Because they're going to start banning people 218 00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:53,760 from buying cigarettes when they're 14 219 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:55,600 and they'll increase it every year. 220 00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:58,920 I think that's the plan, is that the idea is not to be too 221 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:00,400 cruel to people that smoke already. 222 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,480 They'll raise the smoking age every year, so you're sort of chasing it, 223 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:05,440 and people that are 14 will never get... 224 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:07,800 They haven't said if they're going to do the same 225 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:08,840 with the pension age. 226 00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:11,720 It was also noted that he hadn't banned vaping, and it's nothing 227 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:14,880 to do with the £300,000 donation to the Tory party from someone 228 00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:18,600 who has a vaping company. 229 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:20,320 Nothing to do with that at all. 230 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:22,240 What, are you saying that the cigarette companies 231 00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:23,800 haven't given them more? 232 00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:24,960 Good point. 233 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:25,960 That's pretty shocking. 234 00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:27,000 It is. 235 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:29,960 Would you like, and I would think carefully before you answer this 236 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,800 question, to see Priti Patel and Nigel Farage 237 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:32,880 enjoying themselves? 238 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:33,880 Oh, no! 239 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:36,640 Um... 240 00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:38,600 ..yes. 241 00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:40,920 I mean, brace yourselves, this is a tough watch. 242 00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:42,400 Won't be able to unsee it. 243 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:43,440 OK, all right. 244 00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:44,560 Here we go. 245 00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:47,160 MUSIC: Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You by Andy Williams. 246 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:51,840 # Ba ba da, ba da, ba da da da... # 247 00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:52,440 # Ba ba da, ba da, ba da da da... # 248 00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:56,680 It's not often you see a double Nazi salute, is it? 249 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:58,160 Don't often see one of those. 250 00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:02,440 APPLAUSE. 251 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:02,880 APPLAUSE. 252 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:05,040 Was that the Liz Truss event, the growth event? 253 00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:07,360 No, it's the GB News disco. 254 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:08,440 AUDIENCE GROANS. 255 00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:09,440 Oh! 256 00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:11,800 Lord! Wow. 257 00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:13,640 Although they did go to Liz Truss's event. 258 00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:14,720 What was that called? 259 00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:15,760 I've Learnt Nothing. 260 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:17,240 Yeah. 261 00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:21,200 Let's Make Britain Grow Again, that was called. 262 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:23,400 Let's Remove This Growth. 263 00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:27,960 Has This Woman No Shame? 264 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:28,680 Has This Woman No Shame? 265 00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:33,280 The conference did last longer than her premiership, so... 266 00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:35,200 But why is Nigel Farage there? 267 00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:36,600 What's he doing at the conference? 268 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,000 What does it mean? 269 00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:39,480 Well, he's taking over the party. 270 00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:42,560 Some people say he's going to be leader, he's going to become leader. 271 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,000 No. No, I can't see that. 272 00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:45,040 Leader of what? 273 00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:46,080 The Conservative Party. 274 00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:47,280 He'll come in as leader. 275 00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:49,440 You're just trying to scare people late at night. 276 00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:51,600 No, it's the charisma, it's the sort of froggy 277 00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:52,800 charisma of the man. 278 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:54,120 No. 279 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:56,040 It's what's being said. 280 00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:58,160 And I tell you what, some Conservatives are delighted 281 00:10:58,200 --> 00:10:59,400 because of his electoral attributes. 282 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:02,040 How did this man, Gawain Towler, former UKIP aide, how did 283 00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:06,080 he explain Farage's appeal? 284 00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:08,720 Well, first of all he was very annoyed because he was 285 00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:09,800 raised from the dead. 286 00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:14,720 LAUGHTER. 287 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:15,000 LAUGHTER. 288 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:20,000 This is the poster boy for Rishi's anti-smoking campaign, right? 289 00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:20,360 This is the poster boy for Rishi's anti-smoking campaign, right? 290 00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:21,880 It's quite the turn of phrase. 291 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:24,600 He explained Nigel Farage's appeal. 292 00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:25,960 Brace yourselves. 293 00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:27,640 He told the Politico website... 294 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:31,720 ALL GROAN. 295 00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:36,920 CAROL:Oh, my God. 296 00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:42,320 Can we get five buckets? 297 00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:46,040 Oh, my God. 298 00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:48,440 Let's cleanse our palates with thoughts of the Lib Dems. 299 00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:50,360 Of course, they had their conference last week. 300 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,760 Ed Davey has been working hard, as they often do, 301 00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:53,760 at his visual gags. 302 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:54,840 Yes! 303 00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:56,560 Prepare yourself for some excellent visual humour. 304 00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:57,600 Let's have a look. 305 00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:00,800 CLOCK TICKS. 306 00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:02,640 CAROL:Oh, what's going to happen? 307 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:06,600 LAUGHTER. 308 00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:10,640 What was that? 309 00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:12,560 I feel like somebody's run over a cuckoo. 310 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:13,880 What is that? 311 00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:16,280 You see on that picture there with the curtains behind, 312 00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:20,440 it's a bit like somebody going, "The doctor will see you now." 313 00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:22,560 What do you think, Paul, in the great pantheon 314 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:26,440 of silent comedians, where would you put Ed Davey? 315 00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:29,320 Ninth. 316 00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:31,480 This is the Tory Party conference, where Rishi Sunak 317 00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:33,400 announced scrapping HS2. 318 00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:35,600 Leader of the House of Commons Penny Mordaunt made 319 00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:37,240 an impassioned speech, saying... 320 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:42,920 ..until an annoyed Rishi Sunak shouted, "I am standing up!" 321 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:48,200 LAUGHTER. 322 00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,160 Environment Secretary Therese Coffey has promised 323 00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:52,040 voters she'll do something about the mythical EU 324 00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:55,080 ban on bent bananas. 325 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:57,040 Although if you believe Suella Braverman, a lot 326 00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:59,640 of the bananas coming here are just pretending to be bent. 327 00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:02,720 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE. 328 00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:05,440 Paul and Carol, take a look at this. 329 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:06,440 Yeah. 330 00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:08,880 Oh, yes, this is the Speaker Kevin McCarthy. 331 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:11,280 And that's Matt Gaetz, the man who brought him down. 332 00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:13,360 Don't know who that is. 333 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:14,640 LAUGHTER. 334 00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:16,880 So yes, Kevin McCarthy was sacked as the Speaker, 335 00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:18,960 the first time it's ever happened in American history. 336 00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:22,840 And he only got the job in the end cos he said that he would agree 337 00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:26,240 to a clause that anybody could get rid of him at a moment's notice. 338 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:27,880 Which they did. 339 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:29,160 It's a terrible mess. 340 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,320 They're even suggesting amongst themselves that maybe Donald Trump 341 00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:32,800 could be the new Speaker. 342 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:37,080 He just needs to learn how to speak first. 343 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:37,520 He just needs to learn how to speak first. 344 00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:40,800 But he lasted, I believe, 270 days or thereabouts, 345 00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:44,080 which is about five and a half Liz Trusses. 346 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:47,440 So it's not bad. 347 00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:48,480 Long time. 348 00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:51,600 I'm glad we got you on for the maths, Carol, because I wouldn't 349 00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:53,040 have been able to do that. 350 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:56,640 And do you know, while they wait to find out who the new Speaker is, 351 00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:59,040 who's doing it on a temporary basis, do you know? 352 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:00,080 I don't know, no. 353 00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:01,120 No. 354 00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:02,160 Patrick T McHenry. 355 00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:03,240 This is him. 356 00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:04,240 Rather a fun-looking chap. 357 00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:06,640 He also came third in a Richard Curtis lookalike contest. 358 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:09,480 And what was special about his first bang of the gavel? 359 00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:11,320 Oh, he give it a real wallop. 360 00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:13,000 Let's have a look. 361 00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:15,160 The Chair declares the House in recess subject to 362 00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:15,920 the call of the Chair. 363 00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:20,680 What on earth...? 364 00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:22,160 It's like the Strengthometer of News. 365 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:23,160 Exactly. 366 00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:26,560 That guy hates tables. 367 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:28,240 Why did McCarthy's party turn on him? 368 00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:32,240 Well, because he supported Joe Biden's spending plan, I think. 369 00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:33,880 Here they are, these are the Republicans. 370 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:34,920 Yes. 371 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:37,960 It's like the worst-ever Panini album. 372 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:39,400 They're all Trump supporters. 373 00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:40,440 Yes. 374 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,680 And it takes eight of them basically to derail the US. 375 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:46,320 And all those people say, why don't we have a government 376 00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:47,520 system more like the US? 377 00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:48,560 Well... 378 00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:52,040 ..this. 379 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:55,120 As you say, the Republicans want to replace McCarthy with... 380 00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:57,520 They're floating the idea of Donald Trump, but I mean, 381 00:14:57,560 --> 00:14:58,720 it's not going to happen. 382 00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:02,040 Shall we have a look at the kind of things he's been saying lately? 383 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:03,080 Yes. 384 00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:04,160 Let's have a look. 385 00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:07,040 There has only been, listen to this, one such whale killed off 386 00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,600 the coast of South Carolina in the last 50 years. 387 00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:13,600 But on the other hand, their windmills are causing whales 388 00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:15,600 to die in numbers never seen before. 389 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:18,240 Nobody does anything about that. 390 00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:18,360 Nobody does anything about that. 391 00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:19,440 Nobody does anything about that. 392 00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:21,040 They're washing up ashore. 393 00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:24,760 They're washing up ashore. 394 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:25,480 I saw it this weekend, three of 'em came up. 395 00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:26,880 I saw it this weekend, three of 'em came up. 396 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:27,120 I saw it this weekend, three of 'em came up. 397 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:29,120 They wouldn't, you wouldn't see it once a year, now they're coming 398 00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:30,000 They wouldn't, you wouldn't see it once a year, now they're coming 399 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:30,720 up on a weekly basis. 400 00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:31,240 up on a weekly basis. 401 00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:32,640 The windmills are driving them crazy. 402 00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:33,160 They're driving... 403 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:33,680 They're driving... 404 00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:35,880 They're driving the whales, I think, a little batty. 405 00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:38,240 As always, hands all over the clitoris of public opinion. 406 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:39,400 LAUGHTER. 407 00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:41,280 Recently, recently heard this, he doesn't like it. 408 00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:45,640 You're assuming he'd be able to find that public opinion. 409 00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:45,880 You're assuming he'd be able to find that public opinion. 410 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:49,000 This is typical of the right wing, though, like Trump is saying that 411 00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:51,680 windmills are killing whales, and in the UK, the right wing 412 00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:53,800 is saying that the 20mph speed limit in Wales 413 00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:54,880 is killing Wales, so... 414 00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:58,400 LAUGHTER. 415 00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:00,080 And what about his latest court case? 416 00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:02,080 According to The Times, he's been accused of... 417 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:12,080 In one instance, he overestimated the size of a property by 200%. 418 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:13,200 And what defence...? 419 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:14,400 Well, you're a mathematician, Carol. 420 00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:16,800 How was this explained by Trump's lawyers? 421 00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:17,840 Er... 422 00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:20,160 He's an idiot. 423 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:21,400 No. 424 00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:23,400 They explained - which I hadn't realised... 425 00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:30,680 The dangerous thing about the Speaker crisis is it might 426 00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:32,640 be a problem for funding Ukraine. 427 00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:36,000 What key bit of kit did the UK recently send to Ukraine to be 428 00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:38,120 used in the war effort? 429 00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:39,160 Was it a sausage? 430 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:43,080 No, but it is bendy. 431 00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:44,120 A bendy bus? 432 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:48,200 Yes! 433 00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:55,720 Here's one on location. 434 00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:56,960 Oh, I get the idea. 435 00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,560 It's to fool the Russians that they're heading the wrong way. 436 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:01,760 "Look, we're in Luton. Let's go back that way! 437 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:04,080 We're nowhere near Ukraine. We've come the wrong way. 438 00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:07,520 We'll be in Bedford before you know it." 439 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:10,440 The bus operator, Go-Ahead, told the Telegraph... 440 00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:19,160 So they're more than ready for life in a war zone. 441 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:19,480 So they're more than ready for life in a war zone. 442 00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:24,560 This is the historic voting out of US Speaker Kevin McCarthy. 443 00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:26,960 Despite a Republican attempt to block aid going to Ukraine, 444 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:30,360 the US sent 1.1 million bullets to the country, which should make 445 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:35,080 American schools slightly safer for a couple of days. 446 00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:35,240 American schools slightly safer for a couple of days. 447 00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:37,240 So to round two, the picture spin quiz. 448 00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:38,840 Fingers on buzzers, teams. 449 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:41,280 Paul and Carol. 450 00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:45,120 Paul and Carol. 451 00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:49,960 Ah, this must be the Spurs versus Liverpool game, 452 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:50,040 Ah, this must be the Spurs versus Liverpool game, 453 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:52,400 and the failure of VAR to correct a referee's mistake. 454 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:55,000 And everybody's got very upset about it, particularly in Liverpool, 455 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:56,240 and that's what it's about. 456 00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:57,480 Yeah, and I was furious! 457 00:17:57,520 --> 00:17:59,880 Were you? 458 00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:02,080 Let's have a look at the picture. 459 00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:04,520 You can see, Ian, what's going on here, can't you? 460 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:05,680 It appears to be football. 461 00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:07,560 Yes... 462 00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:09,880 See, what it is... 463 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:12,760 This match was played during a partial eclipse of the sun... 464 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:15,520 See, half of the pitch is in the dark. 465 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:19,160 The point is, you can see that he's onside, 466 00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:21,760 but the goal was given offside and it went to VAR. 467 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:22,800 Yeah. 468 00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:24,040 And they upheld the decision. 469 00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:25,320 And then realised their mistake, but it was too late. 470 00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:27,520 And why did the VAR get it wrong? 471 00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:29,240 One of the theories. 472 00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:31,200 Out having a fag or something like that? 473 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:33,080 People have pointed out that the Ryder Cup 474 00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:34,760 was in play at the same time. 475 00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:35,840 Oh, no! 476 00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:36,880 They're wondering... 477 00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:39,320 Well, of course, episodes of Only Connect are also available 478 00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:40,600 at all times on iPlayer... 479 00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,160 Maybe he was possibly watching something else. 480 00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:43,480 This is a theory. 481 00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:46,400 But we've actually got the audio of the VAR room. 482 00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:48,040 Yes. 483 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:49,520 Would you like to hear it? 484 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:50,520 Yes, please. 485 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:51,840 Yes. 486 00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:23,600 That is an extraordinary high level of intellectual debate going on. 487 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,000 I know you feel strongly about it, Ian, I mean... 488 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:27,800 Yeah. 489 00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:31,720 He supports Royal Engineers. 490 00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:33,440 And do they have to swear? 491 00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:35,800 They are being sponsored by... 492 00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:40,440 SwearFred356. 493 00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:40,520 SwearFred356. 494 00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:42,520 Yeah. 495 00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:44,720 This is the controversial VAR offside, which happened in 496 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:47,400 the recent Tottenham/Liverpool game. 497 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:50,520 It has to be said that Liverpool's disallowed goal did see a rare 498 00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:52,480 moment of unity among other Premier League managers, 499 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:56,480 who all agreed that the decision was hilarious. 500 00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:58,680 In other sporting news, at the English Open snooker 501 00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:01,640 championships, China's Ding Junhui was penalised after playing 502 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:05,040 in brown trousers rather than the required black. 503 00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:08,160 He did change from brown to black, but there was quite a delay, 504 00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:13,000 as first he had to put on blue trousers, and then pink ones. 505 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:18,760 Fingers on buzzers, teams. 506 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,240 Ugh! 507 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:26,920 Ugh! 508 00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:30,320 Ian and Ignacio. 509 00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:31,720 Well, the Covid Inquiry started again. 510 00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:33,280 Yes, yeah. 511 00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,160 And what did we find out? 512 00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:38,240 Well, the two major science officers of this country said that this man 513 00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:39,520 was chaotic and an idiot. 514 00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:44,200 Which shows you that science does work. 515 00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:44,760 Which shows you that science does work. 516 00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:49,120 Bloody woke science, man! 517 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:50,720 Just on the science, Patrick Vallance said... 518 00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:59,680 I think Boris Johnson was quite engaged by the science. 519 00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:02,280 I mean, here's the BBC's Hugh Pym explaining how Boris took 520 00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:05,160 the time to understand it. 521 00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:08,040 A document on long Covid had been circulating and it was said 522 00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:12,920 Mr Johnson had scrawled the word "bollocks" on it. 523 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:13,320 Mr Johnson had scrawled the word "bollocks" on it. 524 00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:16,400 On a more general subject... 525 00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:17,640 Yes. 526 00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:20,920 ..of inquiries and investigations, what have GB News been looking into? 527 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:24,080 Er, yes, so Laurence Fox was on Dan Wootton's show. 528 00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:25,200 Mm-hm. 529 00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,360 And he said some terrible things about a female 530 00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:29,760 journalist called Ava Evans. 531 00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:32,160 And then there were lots of complaints and then 532 00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:34,120 Laurence Fox was sacked, but Dan Wootton, apparently 533 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:38,400 there's an internal investigation into Dan Wootton. 534 00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:39,320 there's an internal investigation into Dan Wootton. 535 00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:42,760 He's the most incompetent broadcaster, because Laurence Fox 536 00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:45,680 is saying this stuff and Dan Wootton is just sitting there giggling. 537 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:48,320 He doesn't challenge it, he doesn't agree with it, he just... 538 00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:49,320 He doesn't speak. 539 00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:51,360 Mm. He just thinks it's funny. 540 00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:52,400 More importantly, though, Carol... 541 00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:53,480 Yeah. 542 00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:58,360 ..about Laurence Fox, would you shag him? 543 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:02,840 Sorry, is Laurence Fox not a Roald Dahl character? 544 00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:03,400 Sorry, is Laurence Fox not a Roald Dahl character? 545 00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:06,400 Ugh! 546 00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:08,600 See, I think I probably would, but that's no... 547 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:09,960 Victoria! 548 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:13,600 Call me Gen X, a difference of opinion is no bar. 549 00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:14,800 Who wouldn't you shag, then? 550 00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:16,400 Well... 551 00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:20,200 Not that I'm forming a queue or anything. 552 00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:22,840 GB News is obviously re-pitching itself as a serious news channel. 553 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,040 Yes. 554 00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:27,200 And I think we could help them by showing one of the broadcast 555 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:28,240 highlights of the summer. 556 00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,840 This is the news anchor Martin Daubney reporting on the capture... 557 00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:32,520 Do you remember that prisoner Daniel Khalife? 558 00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:36,080 And he was captured, and this is top-notch news reporting. 559 00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:37,080 Mm. 560 00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:40,720 But first, it's the news headlines. 561 00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:41,760 No, it's not. 562 00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:43,000 We're going straight to me. 563 00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:46,600 This is breaking news, it's fast-happening. 564 00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:49,600 Because, as we just said, um, the appre...the terror man... 565 00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:53,120 LAUGHTER. 566 00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:54,360 Just here... 567 00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:57,000 Chip Chapman, we have him coming up soon on the arrest 568 00:22:57,040 --> 00:22:59,320 of the terror suspect. 569 00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:02,760 He escaped from Wandsworth Prison and he's been apprehended. 570 00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:05,320 It's all coming up in GB News. 571 00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:08,200 We've got our first guest... 572 00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:11,560 Yes, police have escaped...have arrested prisoner Daniel Khalife. 573 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:14,240 Beg your pardon, we'll get the autocue in the right place. 574 00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:15,400 This story is just happening. 575 00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:18,040 Joining me now for the latest is GB News home security 576 00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:19,120 editor Mark White. 577 00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:20,680 Are you there, Mark? 578 00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:23,240 It's Chip Chapman, we have Chip Chapman, 579 00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:25,480 Army...for the Army, and the former head 580 00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:28,360 of counterterrorism, Major-General Chip Chapman. 581 00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:32,280 Chip, dramatic breaking news. 582 00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:35,320 I...I feel like we're watching him act out the VAR conversation 583 00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:37,880 for the Liverpool... 584 00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:40,520 You know, I don't think the mainstream media have got that 585 00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:43,000 much of a threat, do you? 586 00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:45,400 This is the Covid Inquiry, which has started to look 587 00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:48,200 into the inner workings of Number 10 during the pandemic. 588 00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:50,600 According to The Times, during the inquiry this week, 589 00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:52,960 it was revealed that Boris Johnson was nicknamed "The Shopping 590 00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:53,960 Trolley" because of his... 591 00:23:57,080 --> 00:24:01,640 And because he wouldn't go anywhere until someone put money in. 592 00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:06,080 That's very, very good! 593 00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:06,760 That's very, very good! 594 00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:09,440 Time now for the missing words round, which this week features 595 00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:11,120 as its guest publication the British Origami 596 00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:12,880 Society Magazine. 597 00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:14,240 Yeah, it's going to fold! 598 00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:18,120 LAUGHTER AND BOOING. 599 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:20,720 The bi-monthly publication devoted to the art of origami. 600 00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:22,960 Origami is Japanese, from the words "ori" - 601 00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:24,960 time, and "gami" - waste of. 602 00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:29,480 Oh... 603 00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:29,600 Oh... 604 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:31,040 And we start with... 605 00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:37,120 IGNACIO:Running 100 metres. 606 00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:39,040 After the runners fail drugs test. 607 00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:40,080 I'll take it. 608 00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:41,120 The answer is... 609 00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:45,400 Wow. 610 00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:46,080 Wow. 611 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:49,120 Wow. 612 00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:52,720 This was during the Delhi Championships. 613 00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:54,920 One competitor got a personal best of just under 614 00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:56,320 ten seconds for the 100 metres. 615 00:24:56,360 --> 00:24:57,520 Not bad for a swimmer. 616 00:24:57,560 --> 00:24:59,320 Next... 617 00:24:59,360 --> 00:25:00,600 Bishop. 618 00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:01,640 Correct. No, it is. 619 00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:02,640 Is it? 620 00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:03,680 Yeah, Mr Bishop. 621 00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:04,880 I thought it was Archie. 622 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,040 CAROL:Man called the Make Me A Bishop hotline, 623 00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:09,080 then becomes Bishop. 624 00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:12,400 The answer's already come up. 625 00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:13,680 Oh! 626 00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:14,720 Paul is correct. 627 00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:16,120 Man called Mr Bishop becomes Bishop. 628 00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:18,960 As you can see down there. 629 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:22,000 I'd call that more than a clue. I'll get the hang of this! 630 00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:23,440 That's more than a clue, that. 631 00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:24,880 He won't be called Bishop Bishop. 632 00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:25,960 Will he not? 633 00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:28,800 No, he'll be called his first name. They're called Bishop Andrew, or... 634 00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:30,480 Oh, yes, yes, he will, won't he? 635 00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:32,400 So, my answer of Archie is interesting because... 636 00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:34,240 Oh, Archie Bishop. 637 00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:36,120 ..he would then be called Bishop Archie... 638 00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:37,800 Yes. 639 00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:41,400 Anyway, I just bring it up as a... 640 00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:44,360 After being consecrated in Thetford, the new bishop was visibly moved, 641 00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:47,680 presumably diagonally. 642 00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:51,360 LAUGHTER AND GROANS. 643 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:53,200 Next... 644 00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:59,440 Are dead! 645 00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:01,360 Are made out of paper. 646 00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,240 Are folded. 647 00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:05,760 Have been put down. 648 00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:08,880 You're both close. 649 00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:11,320 It is to do with being dead, but... 650 00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:13,640 Oh, dear. ..I can't give it. 651 00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:17,160 Origami is still hugely popular in Japan, even more so now, 652 00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:21,760 Origami is still hugely popular in Japan, even more so now, 653 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:24,160 because if your effort turns out to be weirdly misshapen, 654 00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:28,480 you can simply claim it's a creature from the beaches at Fukushima. 655 00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:29,440 you can simply claim it's a creature from the beaches at Fukushima. 656 00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:31,200 "Dear Victoria. 657 00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:35,200 So you think that's an appropriate topic for humour, do you?" 658 00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:40,120 There, I've saved you the trouble. 659 00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:40,400 There, I've saved you the trouble. 660 00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:46,440 And finally... 661 00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:50,600 IGNACIO:Any ugly people in Sweden. 662 00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:52,520 Is it Norway? 663 00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:55,360 No. 664 00:26:58,080 --> 00:27:00,560 According to the competition organiser... 665 00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:07,760 Well, it certainly is in the films I've seen. 666 00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:07,920 Well, it certainly is in the films I've seen. 667 00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:10,960 So, the final scores are: 668 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:13,080 Ian and Ignacio have four, 669 00:27:13,120 --> 00:27:15,080 Paul and Carol have six. 670 00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:17,040 Oh, outrageous. 671 00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:18,880 Sorry, you were actually right.... 672 00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:20,600 APPLAUSE. 673 00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:23,000 Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition. 674 00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:24,760 Ian and Ignacio have this. 675 00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:29,760 "Oh, look, there's the cost of living." 676 00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:34,320 Are they saying, "Oh, we wondered what happened to Epstein's jet"? 677 00:27:34,360 --> 00:27:34,880 Are they saying, "Oh, we wondered what happened to Epstein's jet"? 678 00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:37,520 Paul and Carol get this. 679 00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:42,800 "Arts Council cuts hit the London Symphony Orchestra." 680 00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:46,120 On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, 681 00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:48,520 Ian Hislop and Ignacio Lopez, Paul Merton and Carol Vorderman. 682 00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:51,640 And I leave you with news that in Washington, to counter the claim 683 00:27:51,680 --> 00:27:54,520 that he has no successor, Joe Biden meets some of the young 684 00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:59,720 Democrats coming through. 685 00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:02,760 At the Tory conference, one staffer whispers to a colleague, 686 00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:04,960 "Don't look round, but apparently that nutter Liz Truss 687 00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:09,400 is here somewhere." 688 00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:09,560 is here somewhere." 689 00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:11,800 And as they tend to their first-floor window box, 690 00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:13,760 an elderly couple spot their son and daughter-in-law 691 00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:18,960 coming up the drive. 692 00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:20,720 Goodnight. 693 00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:25,360 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. 694 00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:25,920 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. 695 00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:36,760 Checking possible wrong score, 6-4 to Ian on the board. 696 00:28:36,800 --> 00:28:39,160 That's fine, check complete, check complete. 697 00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:40,840 Well done, boys, good process. 698 00:28:40,880 --> 00:28:42,320 Wait, wait, wait. 699 00:28:42,360 --> 00:28:43,560 On-field decision was 6-4 Paul. 700 00:28:43,600 --> 00:28:44,600 Yeah. 701 00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:46,520 Yeah, win for...win for Paul. 702 00:28:46,560 --> 00:28:47,560 That's wrong, Daz. 703 00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:49,040 It should have been for Ian. 704 00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:50,040 BLEEP! 705 00:28:50,080 --> 00:28:51,080 Delay, delay. 706 00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:52,160 Stop...stop the show. 707 00:28:52,200 --> 00:28:53,160 Delay. 708 00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:54,400 I can't, we've played on. 709 00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:56,920 {\an8}BLEEP!