This programme contains some strong language
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening.
Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Steph McGovern.
In the news this week...
In Hartlepool, Keir Starmer's advisors suggest he should move
on after chatting for 45 minutes to a patient who'd only come
in with an ingrown toenail.
In Andalusia there's evidence that a recent spillage of omega-3 oil
is having an effect on the brains of local wildlife.
Buenas tardes, perdona - para Bolonia?
And just outside Lisbon, it's the first day of term
for the apprentices at the Cristiano Ronaldo
Football School.
THEY ALL SCREAM
APPLAUSE
On Ian's team tonight is a presenter whose first job
was in a factory processing peas, until someone finally
asked for a vowel.
Please welcome Carol Vorderman.
APPLAUSE.
On Paul's team tonight is a comedian who has a degree in applied theatre,
where they teach you about theatre, and also how to apply for temp work.
Please welcome Nabil Abdulrashid.
APPLAUSE
Right, we begin with the bigger new stories of the week.
Ian and Carol, have a look at this.
Blimey!
He'll be glue soon.
There's someone speeding.
That's Rishi and his wife. Yep.
Oh, that's Johnson burying the evidence.
Absolutely.
And look, he's being arrested.
So, good news week all round.
What a shower, eh? What an absolute shower.
I can't believe they're our government.
Boris Johnson is like a dose of diarrhoea that keeps on giving.
Just every single time, every time you switch
on the news, he's still there.
How does this happen?
I think it's something to do with the system.
As Carol says, it's not been a good week for the government.
And poor old Rishi Sunak...
Well, not "poor", that's just...!
LAUGHTER
But whenever he thinks things are getting slightly better,
it all blows up again.
And Suella Braverman was done for speeding.
NABIL LAUGHS
Yes.
This is the news that Suella Braverman is off the hook
for speeding but Boris Johnson might be back on it again
for Covid breaches.
Although I don't think I want to see Boris's Covid breeches.
I am very interested in the story.
Because everyone says it doesn't matter and so what,
it was a speeding thing.
But she was Attorney General.
Which is the person in charge of the law.
And she asked her civil servants if she could have a one-to-one
speed awareness course.
And this was on the grounds that she is extremely well known
and it would have been embarrassing.
And I have to say, I did the speed awareness course,
and it was UNBELIEVABLY embarrassing!
So you don't do it again. So you don't do it again.
I mean, the Archbishop of Canterbury went and sat at the back
of his speed awareness course.
He wasn't on the same one as you, was he?
Yeah, of course!
How fast were you going, then, Ian?
I was doing 24 miles an hour outside Ikea.
I think we should appreciate Suella Braverman while she's here.
Yeah, she broke the law as a lawmaker, but I think lawmakers
should be allowed to break the law.
Every job has its perks.
You work at JD Sports, you get a discount.
You work at Pizza Hut, you get a pizza.
You live in Croydon, you learn how to fight.
I think she's perfect.
I think when that children's animation movie about the Tories
comes out, she'll make the perfect villain.
I think we'll call it "101 Allegations".
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That's fair enough, but I think "allegations"
suggests she's not guilty.
So it's "101 Damnations".
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Very good.
So, what's Boris Johnson done now, allegedly?
The suggestion is that he broke Covid regulations not only
in his London flat but also at Chequers, his country house.
Which is a big shock to me because I thought he would break
the rules in one place and keep them in the other.
Yes, so he held gatherings at Chequers which were against
the Covid restrictions in place at the time,
which was between June...
He's denied this, though...which means it's true!
Sources told The Times that "the alleged breaches involved
Johnson's family as well as friends, although a source close
to Johnson denied this."
Then Rachel Johnson stepped in to help.
She told LBC, "All the rules were followed whenever
I went to Chequers."
No further questions, m'luds.
I think Sunak's a little bit pissed off
because he wasn't invited.
So how did this all come about, then?
Essentially he got shopped by his own people.
The public...you are paying for Boris's defence, and as part
of the defence he handed over his diaries, and the people looked...
"Blimey, look what he was doing then!"
And they reported him to the police.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Everybody is worried that as soon as you get near Boris,
you get fired and you lose your job, your life falls apart
and you end up in a gutter.
Apart from the chairman of the BBC, obviously.
It is time, though, to pull up the deckchair and get out
the popcorn, isn't it?
I mean, once his WhatsApps start to be revealed,
just like the Matt Hancock stuff...
Oh, amazing! I'll be enjoying that.
Supporters of Boris have complained about "stitch-up and smear".
Sounds like a firm of solicitors, doesn't it?
Gynaecologists.
Oh!
See, I thought that but I didn't want to say it.
I was there with you but I thought, no...
I wouldn't want to see that on television.
Absolutely not.
This is the BBC.
Sorry.
I've actually got me muff out on telly and done a live smear test.
I beg your pardon?!
It got me a Bafta nomination, actually.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
This isn't Channel 4 lunchtime now, you know.
There are people watching!
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Right low - I'm gonna keep right low!
Here we go...
Are you going to take that? This is it.
The shit is hitting the fan now, love!
Right, what has Boris Johnson called the Deputy Prime
Minister Oliver Dowden, who is, of course, in charge
of the Cabinet Office?
What has he called him?
"A puss, yo."
LAUGHTER
It'll be one of his nicknames. Oh, god.
Is he an Old Etonian as well, Dowden?
I don't think he is. Is he not?
No, I think he went to another public school.
Oh, did he? It's the same lot, isn't it, really?
No, they're not all... We-we're not...th-they're not all...
..the same by any means, Carol. Honestly!
He called him "a compliant tool of The Blob".
Who is The Blob?
The Blob is anyone who opposes Boris.
Oh, are we?
What else are Boris's enemies supposed to be holding up?
Is it banners?
No, shall I tell you? Tell us.
His Resignation Honours List.
So, Nadine Dorries and a few other MPs have been told they can't wait
until the next election and will have to give up their seats
as MPs to take up their Ladyships.
Which means there could be at least three by-elections.
I'm sorry, I grew up in Nigeria. I'm Nigerian.
I grew up in Nigeria so for me, "by-election" just
means votes are on sale.
What exactly...?
LAUGHTER
It's when an MP leaves their position
for whatever reason.
They then have to vote in another MP for that constituency,
and it's called a by-election.
We're a couple of years behind Nigeria in terms of corruption.
Yeah, the boys back home are actually quite
proud of your progress.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
This is the most welcome I've ever felt in this country!
More bad news for the government as well.
The legal migration figures came out this week.
Net migration to the UK last year was 606,000 people.
It's gone up quite a lot.
What do you think on this, Nabil? Are you surprised?
Whoo! Get in there, lads!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I love it.
Do you know how many nice takeaway are going to open
now from other countries?
It's legal immigration, did you say? It wasn't illegal?
No, legal. Legal?
What's the problem? They're doing it legally.
Well, it's gone up quite a lot.
It was about 200,000 a couple of years ago.
Well, I don't like...
300 years ago a few people came over to certain countries also.
But not quite legally.
Eventually we persuaded them to leave, but they
took some stuff, so...
As far as I see it, you owe us.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
There are a lot of Nigerians, aren't there, in those figures?
My friend, why do you like bringing all this...?
I'm very interested. We're all Nigerians somehow.
I lived in Nigeria for four years. Did you?
No wonder we have so many problems!
LAUGHTER
I was between nought and four, so...
But still, I can still create trouble.
Wow, so you're actually Nigerian? Yeah, technically.
Ah, my guy!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Were you born there, then?
No, I left Wales to go to Nigeria... You're Welsh?!
How many different people that everybody hates do you want to be?
LAUGHTER
This is the news that Boris Johnson may have broken the rules
during lockdown by hosting a series of parties at Chequers.
Which he insists can't be true as he was too busy hosting
parties at Downing Street.
After being caught speeding, Suella Braverman has been fined
and was given three points.
When he became Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak insisted his government
would be based on "integrity, professionalism and accountability".
Three points Suella hasn't got.
Before they were handed over to the inquiry,
some of Boris Johnson's more controversial WhatsApp
messages were redacted, leading the Metropolitan Police
to respond...
"What? You can redact them?!"
Paul and Nabil, have a look at this.
Yes, OK, that's the National Television Awards.
This Morning is probably winning an award there.
And... "My brother's done what?"
LAUGHTER
Yes, so this is This Morning, where Phillip Schofield has had
to leave after 20-odd years of presenting the daytime live show.
He had such a decorated career. He was a legend, and then he left.
But there wasn't, like, a big hoo-ha about him leaving.
He just left like a disgruntled intern.
I hope he stole something before he left, because that's...
This is the news that Phillip Schofield has left ITV
daytime show This Morning, showing just how quickly a career
on daytime television can come to a crashing halt overnight.
WHISPERS: Fucking hell!
LAUGHTER
I found this story quite difficult to follow since I didn't
know who they were.
Or, indeed, there was such a thing as daytime TV.
I always imagine it as people talking when someone's hoovering,
so it doesn't really matter what they say...
HMMMMM!
Anyway, you're on it, aren't you?
Well, I do every other Friday, yeah, with Alison and lovely Dermot.
So are you going to take over? Is it going to be Holly 'n' Carol?
No!
Probably Holly 'n' Alison, I would have thought.
Is that where your money is? That's where I'd put my money, yeah.
Would you, Steph? Yeah.
I mean, I suppose it's always going to be really
difficult, isn't it, when there's a bitter rift
between a much-loved, long-running TV duo.
LAUGHTER
Yes, but we don't sit next to each other.
What's the secret to your success as a pair?
We don't talk to each other outside of a recording.
Emergency presenters have been drafted in.
Here's how Alison Hammond and Dermot O'Leary paid tribute
to Phillip Schofield the day after his departure was announced.
And just to be clear - he hadn't died...
Now, we can't start today's show without paying tribute to the man
who spent the last two decades sitting on the This Morning sofa -
Phillip Schofield.
So, as a show, everyone on and off-screen at ITV
and This Morning want to say a huge thank you to Phil
for what he's done to make the show such a success over
the last 21 years.
Is not the thing with people on daytime telly
that they give an impression of being incredibly nice...
..and apparently, Carol, behind the scenes people
aren't very nice.
You're smiley, lovely, you're the people next door.
You sit on on the sofa and say, "Would you want to eat this thing?"
Ian, are you forgetting you've actually been on my show?
And it was daytime? It was favours.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, but you were featured in a section called
"Where Are They Now?"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
When I was on it, it was called Where Were They Then?
I love daytime telly, don't you?
Yeah.
I mean, I love daytime telly too, but I spent time in jail, so.
Shall we have a look at what Eamonn Holmes had
to say about it all?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
All of this, of course, follows the big announcement
on Saturday from Phillip Schofield that he was stepping down.
Oh, please, let's just stop this.
He was sacked, right?
All this nonsense about giving him.
"I have decided to step down."
I'm sure you did.
Sure you did.
Here, here's your P45, now step down.
Why do we...
Why do we propagate this language?
"I've decided to step down."
And she says, "Oh, the couch will not feel the same
"without him being there."
Well, she wanted him not there.
So what's she moaning about the couch not
feeling the same for?
I mean, they deserve each other, I suppose.
The Daily Mail carried out a poll after the news
of Phillip Schofield's departure.
What was the question that they asked their readers?
Who is Phillip Schofield?
The Daily Mail asked readers...
And 75% of the 5,569 readers who took part replied...
Finally, This Morning wasn't the only show
on television having problems.
Here's the start of a news bulletin on S4C News,
which is Channel 4 in Wales.
Yeah.
Yeah?
See if you can spot the technical glitch.
Yeah.
P'nawn da.
Mae mwy na 30,000 o gleifion wedi bod yn aros dros dwy flynedd am
driniaeth ar y Gwasanaeth Iechyd yn ol ffigyrau sydd newydd...
LAUGHTER
I love it!
Not gonna lie, he's a legend for turning like that.
This is the news that Phillip Schofield has stepped down
from his co-presenting role on This Morning.
Holly and Phil have also received a nomination in this year's
National Television Awards, presumably for best drama.
Despite leaving This Morning, Phillip has stated that he will...
They'll save on the budget because the rink is going to be frozen just
by the atmosphere between them.
So, to round 2 the strength-o-meter of news.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
Yeah, Ian?
It's the Chelsea Flower Show.
I thought this was about the shortage of fruit pickers.
Is it...Just Stop Oil.
So this is the news that Just Stop Oil protesters have
targeted one of the gardens at the Chelsea Flower Show.
The garden they targeted was the one designed for wealth
manager RBC Brewin Dolphin.
What form did the protest take?
Like, I know it was orange.
Was it like at the snooker?
Orange powder?
Yeah, that kind of thing, I think.
Yeah, let's have a look.
Oh, for God's sake.
No, no, no!
You morons.
Stop it!
You bloody morons.
Stop!
That is the poshest...
..whitest thing.
One of them is throwing it over herself.
Yes.
What happened next?
Batman turned up.
They got arrested and taken away by the police, I should imagine.
By the flower squad.
No.
Let's find out what happened next?
No?
CHEERING
It's time to face up to the truth.
Takes your heads out of your peat-free compost...
People's livlihoods are under attack!
There are other ways of doing it, ladies.
This is...this is...this isn't Chicago, is it?
It's not the sort of thing that would happen in America.
It'd be at least 15 people dead by now.
So the...the person spraying the water on them, were they part
of the demonstration?
No, no.
She's part of the Chelsea Flower Show police, and that's
a very small water cannon.
What in the vegan barbecue is going on?
The woman was a visitor.
She was a visitor?
Yeah.
She says...
She was enjoying looking at the garden and they were getting
in the way, so she hosed them down.
She didn't hose them down, she watered them.
Now they're going to grow even bigger.
What did the cleanup operation involve?
More water?
When I was watching that, I thought if she hadn't done the water,
they could have just brushed it up and got a Dyson round like you do
when you're watching This Morning.
Dyson is the name of Ian's butler.
Spelled Digby-Featherstone-Huffstone.
Meanwhile, what has Monty Don said he would do if he were king?
Free ganja for everyone.
Send everybody a packet of seeds?
No, no.
Tell us.
Monty Don wants to ban artificial grass.
Anyone here got artificial grass?
Have you, yeah?
It's great.
Oh, you got a boo there for that.
Really?
I think he's got an orange powder in his...
I do.
Time now for the odd one out round.
Your four are Olaf Scholz, Rishi Sunak, footballer
Erling Haaland and Winston Churchill.
Think about what Winston Churchill's wearing.
Oh, he's...was that known as a boiler suit?
A siren suit.
Yeah.
That's not helpful at all.
Give us a clue that's more like the answer.
Yes.
OK.
They've all set fashion trends apart from...
ALL: Rishi Sunak?
Everybody's wearing those white hats these days.
You know what?
I used to spend so much time in safety gear when I worked at BBC
Breakfast someone set up a fetish website of Steph in safety gear.
Did they?
Was it you, Paul?
Paid for a holiday.
I love a safety helmet.
Do you?
Oh, I do, yeah.
I used to work underground as an engineer, and I had, like,
khaki green boiler suit with a khaki green safety helmet.
Me and 2000 men underground.
Yeah.
Did they get out alive?
No.
I'm going to tell you the answer.
Yeah, good.
They've all set fashion trends apart from German Chancellor Olaf Scholz,
whose fashion is so old it's wanted by a museum.
The Times reported that the German chancellor has
been carrying around...
And now a bid has been put in for it by...
Someone's looked up museum in a thesaurus there, haven't they?
If you want to look a bit more like the German Chancellor,
the great news is...
Who doesn't?
The great news is that if you travel to his hometown of Hamburg, this man
will give you the Olaf Scholz special for under E5.
So that means clearly modeling the old trick glasses,
false nose and moustache.
What fashion trends has Rishi Sunak set, then?
I don't know.
Well, while in Japan at the G7, the Prime Minister...
Shoes!
..wore these red socks.
Oh, socks.
Oh, yes, you see them everywhere.
They've got the logo of Hiroshima Toy Carp,
which is the Japanese prime minister's favourite baseball team.
Here he is with Rishi.
-- They've got the logo of Hiroshima Toya Carp,
which is the Japanese prime minister's favourite baseball team.
Here he is with Rishi.
And realising that Sunak's just stood on his pet snail.
What has Manchester City footballer Erling Haaland
increased the sales of?
He wears a headband, doesn't he?
But that's not it.
It's not that.
No.
Move down the body.
He wears a headband?
I can't stop now!
Is he the one that has his own brand of underwear?
It's to do with underwear.
So the football striker was recently pictured in the Manchester City
changing room alongside Noel Gallagher, wearing
a pair of white Y fronts.
Here he is.
The Daily Star reported that men trying to emulate the Norwegian
footballer caused...
Yes, but how many were they selling before that?
That could be like, they've sold four.
According to the Science Museum archives, Churchill wore one
of his suits to the White House, where the first lady, Mrs Roosevelt,
declared that she was...
Finally, how has one man made sure he never leaves the house
without his favourite fashion item?
Has he had it tattooed onto him.
He has!
Blazej Ambrozak from Rochdale has had his favourite pair of Nike
trainers tattooed onto his feet.
Here they are.
All the effort and he's still got a pair that are two
sizes too small for him.
Time now for the missing words round and we start with...
Water buffalo eats immersion heater.
You know, that is nearly the answer?
Oh, no!
Yeah.
Oh, no, it is water buffalo or some bison or something
local sort of oxen.
In Essex?
Yeah.
They were on holiday and they came over and they saw
this and they jumped into the swimming pool.
Yeah.
Let's have a look.
Next...
Nobody cares?
Facing the wrong way?
This was in the Norwich Evening News where they included images
of their reporters at the scene looking at the timetable.
A Norfolk County Council spokesman said...
Yeah!
Unfortunately, it does mean all the bus shelters
are now upside down.
And finally...
Is not permanent.
Celebrates an anniversary.
Yes!
You are bloody good at this!
Yeah.
That's amazing.
Is that right?
Yeah.
He's like the Rain Man of nonsense.
Yeah, let's have a look at the moving ceremony
to mark the occasion.
Is that a hearse in the background?
I reckon they're waiting for the bloke on the right.
What do you think?
Shall we have a sweepstake?
So the final scores are Ian and Carol have seven.
Yes!
Paul and Nabil also have seven!
Oh.
For me, that's a huge result.
Thank you.
But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
Ian and Carol have this.
SNP pick new auditor.
Government ethics adviser given unredacted access
to Boris's WhatsApp.
Paul and Nabil get this.
When they told me I was going to be the branch manager,
naturally I was very...
On which note, we say thank you to our panelists Ian Hislop
and Carol Vorderman, Paul Merton and Nabil Abdulrashid.
And I leave you with news that in an amazing coincidence in Buxton,
the Bradford and Bingley and Homepride Flour Company outings
take place on the same day.
In ITV's revamped Bullseye, there's concern that they've spent
too much on Bully's Star Prize.
And their suspicion of another smear campaign against Suella Braverman
as a file of speed camera photos mysteriously emerges.
Goodnight!