APPLAUSE.
Good evening.
Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
My name is David Tennant.
And in the news this week, there is evidence that today's news
outlets are far too obsessed with click bait.
As someone hears that there is a squirrel on a skateboard
in St James' Park.
At the Department of Work and Pensions, some young civil
servants react to being told they have to come into
the office on Fridays.
MAN SCREAMS.
LAUGHTER.
And, backstage on Russia's top satirical panel show,
the guest host begins to lose confidence in the gags for this
evening's performance.
LAUGHTER.
On Ian's team tonight is an actress and comedian who said people
laughed when she told them she was marrying another comedian.
Well, we're not laughing now.
Which is a shame because they star in comedy together.
Please welcome Lucy Beaumont.
APPLAUSE.
And on Paul's team tonight, a writer and a broadcaster whose bestseller,
The Thursday Murder Club features a group of eccentric old-timers
who get together once a week to air their crackpot theories...
An idea he got one Thursday when he came and hosted this show.
Please welcome Richard Osman.
APPLAUSE.
We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
Ian and Lucy, have a look at this.
This is childcare.
There's some kids looking after Rishi.
Very nice of them.
Don't drink that, it's got his wee in.
And there's Rishi handing out papers.
He's just working out how much his wife's going to make.
Quite a complex equation!
Shall we start with Rishi Sunak and childcare?
Why don't we do that, yes.
It transpired that the budget in the spring is going to include
a measure that means they want to get childcare
going so people going back to childcare get paid £600,
unless they work for an agency, then they get £1200.
They get double if they go through the agency and his wife just
happens, by coincidence, to have shares in one
of those agencies.
And he didn't declare this at the time.
He probably forgot.
He's got other things to do.
I've no idea what.
He failed... He failed to declare the interest.
Exactly.
Labour's Angela Rayner said he'd created a transparency black hole.
Ooh. What does that look like?
That was in one of your episodes?
LAUGHTER.
But they've got shares in a lot of things.
Do you think there is no company in Britain that
Mrs Sunak doesn't own?
Gregg's. Gregg's, I bet.
LAUGHTER.
Well, we'll see in the next budget, won't we?
Sausage rolls go up 50 p.
What else has Rishi been pushing to the nation recently?
What's he very keen for us all to do?
Maths. Maths!
Yes, he wants to reimagine our approach to numeracy.
I read that, like, his school has...
The school he used to go to has a private art
collection, I thought, like, my school had a private art
collection, but it was like a cock and balls behind the bike shed.
Was it a Picasso?
That's a PRIVATES art collection, isn't it?
LAUGHTER.
I used to teach maths. Did you?
Yeah. I know!
He's announced this twice, now.
It's his thing.
But this time he actually elaborated and said, "look,
if we were better at maths as a nation, you know,
we would be less likely to lose tens of billions of pounds."
You thought, "does the name Liz Truss ring a bell?"
Again, he tried to get people interested.
There is a very funny clip of him talking to some students
asking for questions.
Yes, this is Rishi trying to sell the idea at a press conference
and asking if anyone has any question.
Who is next? Anyone else?
All good?
Anyone else have a question before we go to the media?
OK, gosh, very quiet!
Any questions on things that are not related to mass?
Any questions on things that are not related to maths?
I'm also fine for those.
All fine?
OK, let's turn to the media for some questions.
He does look like a supply teacher!
He wants everyone to study maths until they're at least 18.
Let's see how hard the maths will be.
This is a GCSE maths question.
Who's got it? Yeah, that's...
Yep, I do know that. But you go ahead.
Well, got five GCE maths, which is the equivalent
of 25-yard breaststroke.
They've written it weird, but you can see it's two
times 104, so that's 208.
Yeah, 204... LAUGHTER.
Five times 103. Do we get a point for that?
No.
It's 0.0004. Oh, you!
Oh, look at that! Here we go!
Ian Hislop gets a point for that.
APPLAUSE.
How many people actually know that he got that right?
Two people, look!
One day, maths will be revealed as a gigantic hoax.
It takes 15 men five days to run a bath, how many apples
in a bunch of grapes?
I mean, you know, who cares?
Who's got a maths A-level here? No.
Nothing? No?
GCSE? No.
You taught maths??
This is the state of education in this country.
I wasn't happy about it, either.
I didn't want to be there.
I once said, half of you aren't going to get your GCSE,
that's nearly 50%.
LAUGHTER.
What does Rishi blame for our poor maths skills?
Pranksters.
Once you get past 12, there are no other numbers.
I surprised myself with that!
Rishi blames the anti-maths mindset.
Yeah, we just heard it!
He continued:
He has a point. He has a real point.
A decimal point.
The report on claims of bullying by Dominic Raab has been handed
to Number Ten but they're not going to make
a decision on it today.
But we are recording this the day before you see it,
so by the time you see it, who knows?
Does anyone want to make up what we think going to happen
over the next 24 hours?
Yeah.
Well, I was going to declare the result of the bullying
but then he said he'd thump me, so...
I mean, you only have to look at him to realise he's completely innocent.
You only have to look at him to realise he's completely guilty.
LAUGHTER.
We have to cover every possible eventuality here?
Yeah, of course we do.
And to go up and make that statement with Paul Chuckle
from the Chuckle Brothers...
Anyway, may he rest in peace!
LAUGHTER.
Elsewhere in Westminster, Jeremy Corbyn and Keir Starmer have
been telling each other they're not friends any more.
Oh, they've fallen out.
Starmer said in a recent interview he wasn't friends
with Jeremy Corbyn.
But he did. He did.
In 2019.
He said:
And Jeremy Corbyn said, this is playground stuff.
He did.
And then he said, actually, we weren't friends.
That's exactly it.
Jeremy Corbyn said:
Ooh!
Then added:
LAUGHTER.
I didn't spend time hanging out with him.
Which Scottish politician might be arrested this week?
I presume you're assuming that Nicola Sturgeon might be arrested?
I'm assuming nothing. It's just a speculation.
Yeah, I would think now it's rude not to arrest her.
Nicola Sturgeon might be the next Scottish politician to be arrested
after it emerged that she blocked scrutiny of the SNP's finances
only a few weeks before the arrest of her husband.
SNP First Minister Humza Yousaf has said he knows nothing
and everyone believes him!
It's all quite sexy, now, hasn't it? The SNP.
With, like, lies, police uniforms. I'm interested, now.
Yes. Because Happy Valley has finished.
LAUGHTER. Something to get my teeth into.
So, this is on Rishi Sunak's insistence that everyone should
learn the maths up to the age of 18.
According to the latest figures:
Not great.
Good enough to be the SNP treasurer, however...
According to the Sunday Times Rich list, Rishi Sunak and his wife
have a combined wealth of £730 million.
But in much the same way that me and Usain Bolt have a combined total
of eight Olympic gold medals.
This week the report into Dominic Raab was handed
over to Number Ten.
Raab has had to pay a large sum for his own legal defence
into allegations of bullying but he will give some
of it back when he takes Rishi Sunak's dinner
money off him.
LAUGHTER.
Meanwhile, Tory party chairman Greg Hands was spotted
on the Laura Kuenssberg show having written notes on his hands.
Look at that.
So Greg Hands reads notes off his hands.
Now we know why Ed Balls keeps glancing down below the desk.
Richard and Paul, take a look at this.
Hmm.
Right, OK, this is obviously a start to a very big run in 1946.
This is the runner, the female runner.
Part of a, I don't know if it was a marathon.
Was it a marathon? An ultramarathon.
Towards the end, she got injured and she took a left in a car.
And then got out and carried on and came third.
You're absolutely right.
What first alerted officials to the possibility that Scottish GP
Joasia Zakrzewski hadn't run the entire distance?
They saw her getting out of a car. LAUGHTER.
Near the finishing line.
She asked the organisers to tip the driver.
I think it's that she was wearing one of those watches and she'd done
one of the miles she'd done in one minute, seven seconds or something!
It was GPS tracking data that found she'd reached a superhuman
top speed of 35 mph.
And that for part of the event she had followed the Main Road
rather than the race route.
Somebody did that entirely on the train.
It took them five days and three hours.
What explanation did Doctor Zakrzewski give for accepting
a lift in her friend's car?
She said, it's a really, really long way.
Yeah.
She told the BBC:
She also said:
Adding:
Staying with sport, why was the World
Snooker Championship interrupted?
Oh, yes, yeah.
There was a guy that got up on the table and, you know,
threw some orange paint around and they had to postpone
that particular game.
I don't quite know what that was for.
These are terrible, terrible scenes here at the Crucible.
I mean, you know, if the players will sit there drinking
oil during the match...
Then this, snooker, they did it because it's live but the relevance
of snooker to oil consumption is, well, it's hard to see.
It's suggested on the front page of the Sun that he's
a toff, is what I saw.
So, maybe he saw this, he didn't really care because it's
a working class sport.
I saw it on the news but with the sound down
and I thought they'd gone a bit, you know, like the Super
Bowl at half-time?
Thought they were trying to jazz it up a bit.
The adjoining match was also interrupted
by another protester, Margaret Reid, 52.
Not a bad break.
LAUGHTER.
How did Master of Ceremonies, Rob Walker, react to the disruption?
With anger, I suppose.
Let's have a look.
COMMENATOR:Having spent the money, your train ticket,
potentially hotel, as well.
Make no mistake, yeah, they're doing a...
Is that Rob Walker there?
Go on, Rob.
How many jobs has he got?
Commentator, MC.
I saw him driving a bus earlier on today!
He has got the marigolds on, as well.
Fair play to him.
PAUL:See the colour of that paint?
That's the colour of our new bedroom curtains.
I forgot we'd bought new bedroom curtains.
Yeah. You volunteered to hang them for me.
One of the voices you heard there was Jimmy White,
who knows a thing or two about hoovering powder off a table.
APPLAUSE
One "Just Stop Oil" activist made a very good point
about the advantages of stopping the use of fossil fuels.
Here he is on Jacob Rees-Mogg's show on GB News.
Let's take a look.
If we just stopped oil now, the lights would go out.
Well, we wouldn't have to see you then, would we?
But we're not asking for that.
APPLAUSE
Remarkably quick thinking, there.
This started with the story of the ultra-runner who was later
discovered to be an ultra-cheat, after it emerged she had been driven
in a car for part of the race.
Her disqualification was confirmed by Race Director...
..Wayne Drinkwater.
Along with his running colleagues, Brian Stretchfirst,
Chris Paceyourself and Danny Havefun.
Meanwhile, a "Just Stop Oil" protestor interrupted a first-round
game during the World Snooker Championship.
The resulting mayhem was so chaotic that several members
of the audience woke up.
To the One-Armed Bandit of News.
CHEERING
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
BUZZ
Who is that, Paul?
Yes, this is Fox News who have just had to pay out...
There was going to be a huge court case in America.
Fox News was full of stories after Trump lost the election,
saying, "It's the machines, they're fixed,
every time somebody voted for trump, it came out a vote for Biden."
They were willing to tell lies they knew to be wrong
so they would not lose any viewers, and Rupert Murdoch just couldn't
face coming to a court case so he has paid up something
like $670 million, something like that.
$787.5 million. The .5 is important.
If I understood maths, it would be a big figure.
It's not just a big figure.
It's a record deformation payout ever for anything.
Is it?
There's another election machine and they are going to try
and sue him for 2.7 billion.
I'm not following it very closely...
What Fox News did, basically, he was lying to the American people,
saying that Trump is right, the election has been
stolen, and now they've admitted this isn't true.
So, I would say, that it's treason.
And that some 92-year-olds could go to jail.
What, for life, or six weeks?
Whichever comes sooner.
The figures are just staggering.
I mean, I sound very excited.
There was a time when I had the record libel payout...
It was reported by CNN that the settlement amount
of $787.5 million that Dominion accepted was nearly ten times
the valuation of their company.
Hard not to settle.
What are they going to do with all that money?
Will they input those voting machines?
They could make them like simulators where you walk in and you're
on a roller-coaster, you know, you go in and vote
and then you come out and your hair has been done.
Will they just share it amongst them or just use
it for the machines?
It's a good question cos it's a lot of money.
How have the other US news channels reacted to this?
CNN, I would imagine, would be quite happy.
Let's see what CNN had to say.
Fox issued a statement saying,
"We are pleased to have reached a settlement of our dispute...
Dispute!
"..with Dominion Voting Systems.
"We acknowledge the court's rulings, finding certain claims
about Dominion to be false.
"The settlement reflects..."
I'm sorry, this is going to be difficult to say
with a straight face.
"This settlement reflects Fox's continued commitment to the highest
journalistic standards.
"We hope..."
Sorry!
The lawsuit between Dominion and Fox is part of an ongoing
battle over free speech and media accountability.
In the US it's led to accusations of election rigging,
incitement to violence, a riot at the seat of government,
and several deaths.
And in the UK, Match of the Day only showed the goals one week.
LAUGHTER
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
Here we go again!
What's this all about?
BELL
Ian.
It's called a cassette tape.
It's a sort of modern thing that you put music in...
Yes. ..and it plays.
You can put a pencil in it, as well, and...
I've got one here.
Who remembers that?
APPLAUSE
Why are they in the news?
Ah...
Ian thought this round was called Guess The Object!
They're not making a comeback, are they?
Yes, they're making a comeback.
There are lots of songs from my youth that,
when they get to a certain part, I expect them to stop,
because it was at the end of the side of a tape,
so when they carry on, I'm like, "Oh, there's another half, is there?
"Who knew Matt Bianco wrote another half to that song?"
After a resurgence in vinyl, it's now emerged that sales
of the cassette tape are at a 20-year high.
Yes, but they haven't sold any in 20 years!
Ian, have you returned to the wax cylinder yet?
Where are you up to?
No, I can stream.
Well, you have got to expect it at your age, haven't you?
APPLAUSE
Very different from your age, of course.
Indeed. Very different indeed.
In other news, a T Rex has been sold at auction.
Here it is.
The skull came from Montana, the body was dug up in Wyoming,
and they went all the way to Switzerland to get that lady
in the cardigan stuck to that pole.
How much do you think it is worth?
1.7 million.
A bit more than that.
Wasn't Leonardo DiCaprio bidding for it?
Oh, was he?
It must be too old for him.
APPLAUSE
The skeleton sold for £5 million.
Wow.
Time now for the Odd One Out round.
Just one between you this week.
The four are Bolton Wanders, Brecon Beacons National Park,
BBC News, and Toblerone.
BUZZ
Yes, Paul.
Yes, well, the Brecon Beacons this week announced
they are going to change the name from Brecon Beacons to a Welsh name.
Toblerone can no longer feature a mountain on their packaging
because I don't think they are being made in Switzerland
any more, is that right?
Yes, I think Slovenia or something like that.
So, basically, Toblerone is the odd one out because all the other three
have changed their names recently but Toblerone has had to change
the design of their packaging.
I'm going to have to tell you, they have all had a rebrand,
apart from Bolton Wanderers, who have had a change
of stadium sponsor.
Oh!
The League One team recently revealed that they've struck
a new stadium sponsor deal with a local building products
company called Toughsheet.
LAUGHTER
Hmm.
Which means that, for the next five years, they'll be playing
in the Toughsheet Community Stadium.
It could be worse, though.
What did National League team Southend United accidentally name
one of their stands last year?
I think it was an estate agents or something called Rose...
Gilbert & Rose, yes.
..and it was the West Stand that became known as the Rose West Stand.
How are the Brecon Beacons National Park having a rebrand?
Who wants a go at pronouncing it?
IAN:Bannau Brycheiniog.
That sounds quite good.
Let's cross to our Welsh correspondent.
The correct pronunciation is Bannau Brycheiniog.
Bannau Brycheiniog.
Thanks, Michael.
APPLAUSE
He's very good, isn't he, Michael Sheen?
Don't you think?
He's all right. Oh, he's good.
You know what, anything he does, he carries.
Yes, he does.
He's got such charisma. He's the actor of his generation.
And I love his floor polish.
Do people in Scotland like you as much as people in Wales like him?
He's versatile, that's the thing.
He can do comedy and drama which a lot of actors can't...
No, they can't.
Doesn't rely on props.
Exactly that.
Doesn't rely on props.
Oh, he does.
You're not a prop.
Come on.
APPLAUSE
So what rebrand have Toblerone been forced to make?
Do they have to change the mountain?
Yes.
They have had to remove the Matterhorn from packaging.
Oh, I see.
A handful of people are said to be gutted but most of Switzerland
is pretty neutral on the matter.
Toblerone can no longer use the Matterhorn on their packaging.
Another protected name under threat is the Dundee fruitcake.
Or, as it's better known, the accountant for the SNP.
How was the BBC News Channel rebranded this month?
BBC News and BBC Worldwide have just become BBC.
Yes, meaning the two channels are now sharing content and they've
also told reporters on location that in order to gain the trust
of viewers they should dress down, try to look more "sweaty and dirty."
What?!
Yes, you should see what I'm wearing under here.
And why should Estonian politician Rain Epler consider a rebrand?
Does it mean something in Estonian, is it rude?
No, it's not that.
Epler has been labelled by The Independent as...
You're probably assuming he's some sort of lunatic, but here he is...
LAUGHTER
Wow.
Honestly, Michael Sheen can turn into anyone.
Time now for the Missing Words round which this week features
as its guest publication,
"The Handwritten Letter Appreciation Society."
If you really want to wind up the editor, drop her an e-mail.
We start with...
LUCY:Greta Thunberg.
RICHARD:Is it legroom?
Oh, wow.
It's the dream.
This is Paul Wilkinson who found himself as the only person
on a flight from Portugal to Belfast.
According to The Times...
The cabin crew threw eggs at him and said his wife
should never be Queen.
Next...
LUCY:Chip butty that you can live in.
PAUL:Combined bungee jump massage parlour?
No.
In and out in five minutes.
I think they've got one of them.
Is it Philip Larkin Centre?
No.
Oh, I should know, yeah.
Everyone's raving about it.
Yeah?
This is the news that a city centre bar in Hull is offering
an all-you-can-eat buffet of 30 different crisp varieties.
The organiser of the event said...
Cardiologists?
Next...
LUCY:The hunting down and ritual slaughter of Moonpig.
APPLAUSE
It was...
Oh, we would have got there in the end, wouldn't we?
Along with a post box crawl, the Handwritten Letter Appreciation
Society also had a cake.
Look at this.
Sweet.
Aww.
That's lovely.
In three weeks' time, someone will get that.
If you're a member of the Handwritten Letter
Appreciation Society, congratulations for
surviving the winter.
So, on that bombshell, the final scores are Ian
and Lucy have four points.
Paul and Richard have 14.
14 points.
Well done.
CHEERING
Before we go, there is just time for the Caption Competition.
LUCY:"Let it go, Harry, they're not going to invite you."
On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
Ian Hislop and Lucy Beaumont, Paul Merton and Richard Osman.
And I leave you with news that in Berkshire, there's a mix-up
in the Celebrity Bake Off tent when one of the contestants realises
they've accidentally iced a hat.
In Downing Street, after trying both wide-angle and zoom lenses,
photographers have to accept there's no way of taking a balanced picture.
And as King Charles promises to make his Coronation
environmentally friendly, Swedish Royals begin their low
carbon footprint journey to London.
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE
David,
David, you
David, you will
David, you will be
David, you will be very
David, you will be very good
tonight.
tonight. I
tonight. I can
tonight. I can only
tonight. I can only think
tonight. I can only think of
tonight. I can only think of one
tonight. I can only think of one man
who
who could
who could have
who could have done
who could have done it
who could have done it better!