1
00:00:02,120 --> 00:00:04,269
Jazz, I got ten bucks that says
you bluffing worse than Haiti.

2
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:08,289
Let's see you beat three kings.

3
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:10,240
- Two pair.
- Yes!

4
00:00:10,259 --> 00:00:12,070
[chuckles]

5
00:00:12,089 --> 00:00:14,029
A pair of red fives

6
00:00:14,050 --> 00:00:16,039
and a pair of black fives.

7
00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:20,120
That is eight pots in a row.

8
00:00:20,140 --> 00:00:23,030
Couldn't nobody be that lucky

9
00:00:23,050 --> 00:00:24,199
unless they were cheating.

10
00:00:24,219 --> 00:00:27,019
It ain't cheating, Will.
It's focus.

11
00:00:27,039 --> 00:00:28,190
The fact is,
the only time I ever concentrate

12
00:00:28,210 --> 00:00:32,049
is when I'm playing poker.
It's a gift.

13
00:00:32,070 --> 00:00:33,189
Well, according
to my calculations

14
00:00:33,210 --> 00:00:35,250
over the last three years
Jazz has beaten us

15
00:00:35,270 --> 00:00:39,159
for approximately $13,000.

16
00:00:39,179 --> 00:00:42,009
It would've been 14 if you
hadn't gone back to Philly.

17
00:00:42,030 --> 00:00:44,100
My wallet sure missed you,
homey.

18
00:00:48,159 --> 00:00:52,259
Well, I wasn't in Philly
the whole time, Jazz.

19
00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:55,020
No? Where were you, Kalamazoo?

20
00:00:56,270 --> 00:00:58,090
Alabama.

21
00:01:01,170 --> 00:01:03,250
And what were you doing
in Alabama?

22
00:01:03,270 --> 00:01:06,079
I witnessed a murder.

23
00:01:06,099 --> 00:01:08,060
[theme song]

24
00:01:08,079 --> 00:01:10,189
♪ Now this is a story
all about how ♪

25
00:01:10,210 --> 00:01:12,260
♪ My life got flipped
turned upside-down

26
00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:15,069
♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

27
00:01:15,090 --> 00:01:16,200
♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

28
00:01:16,219 --> 00:01:18,219
♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

29
00:01:27,030 --> 00:01:29,200
♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

30
00:01:29,219 --> 00:01:32,060
♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

31
00:01:32,079 --> 00:01:34,049
♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxing all cool ♪

32
00:01:34,069 --> 00:01:36,250
♪ And all shootin' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪

33
00:01:36,270 --> 00:01:39,120
♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

34
00:01:39,140 --> 00:01:41,140
♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

35
00:01:41,159 --> 00:01:44,049
♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪

36
00:01:44,069 --> 00:01:46,120
♪ You're moving with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

37
00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:48,170
♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

38
00:01:48,189 --> 00:01:51,079
♪ The license plate said Fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

39
00:01:51,099 --> 00:01:53,079
♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

40
00:01:53,099 --> 00:01:57,099
♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

41
00:01:57,120 --> 00:02:00,170
♪ I pulled up to a house
about 7:00 or 8:00 ♪

42
00:02:00,189 --> 00:02:03,049
♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell you later ♪

43
00:02:03,069 --> 00:02:05,129
♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

44
00:02:05,150 --> 00:02:08,169
♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

45
00:02:21,170 --> 00:02:23,180
Oh, you ain't witnessed
no murder.

46
00:02:23,199 --> 00:02:25,009
Did he, Carlton?

47
00:02:25,030 --> 00:02:26,229
I'm not at liberty
to discuss this.

48
00:02:26,250 --> 00:02:28,189
And you shouldn't, either.

49
00:02:28,210 --> 00:02:30,039
Oh, shut up, Carlton.

50
00:02:30,060 --> 00:02:31,079
Ain't nothing that me and Will

51
00:02:31,099 --> 00:02:32,180
don't know about each other.

52
00:02:32,199 --> 00:02:34,180
Except this.

53
00:02:34,199 --> 00:02:37,050
For real? Tell me.

54
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:38,280
He can't!

55
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:41,139
Uh, Agent Moore
swore us to secrecy.

56
00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:44,079
Look, Carlton is right, Jazz.

57
00:02:44,099 --> 00:02:46,079
I'm sorry I brought it up, man.
Let's just play.

58
00:02:46,099 --> 00:02:48,189
Will, if you don't tell me
what went down

59
00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:50,240
our friendship is over.

60
00:02:52,289 --> 00:02:55,170
It all started on a hot
August day back in Philly.

61
00:02:55,189 --> 00:02:58,099
Oh, you want to ante up?

62
00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:01,120
I had just arrived at Duke's
with my girl, Laqueesha.

63
00:03:01,139 --> 00:03:04,189
(Will)
The City of Brotherly Love's
finest sister.

64
00:03:04,210 --> 00:03:07,280
Oh, baby, thank you so much
for walking me to work.

65
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:09,189
And, uh, thank you
for breakfast, too.

66
00:03:09,210 --> 00:03:12,189
Oh, well, am I a better cook
than your mama?

67
00:03:12,210 --> 00:03:15,000
Tsk. See, you all kinda got
different styles.

68
00:03:15,020 --> 00:03:16,090
You know,
my mom usually like to cook

69
00:03:16,110 --> 00:03:18,090
with her clothes on.

70
00:03:18,110 --> 00:03:20,090
Well, I guess when
she comes home from her trip

71
00:03:20,110 --> 00:03:23,180
I'm gonna have to go back
to my own place, huh?

72
00:03:23,199 --> 00:03:27,039
Well, either that or
we have to be very, very quiet.

73
00:03:27,060 --> 00:03:31,050
See, my moms won the WDAS-FM
Back To Africa Contest.

74
00:03:31,069 --> 00:03:34,099
She spotted anything culturally
wrong in "The Lion King."

75
00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:38,199
(both)
Mm..

76
00:03:38,219 --> 00:03:41,199
I will see you later.

77
00:03:41,219 --> 00:03:43,009
Little did she know
that was the last time

78
00:03:43,030 --> 00:03:44,099
she'd ever see me.

79
00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:46,129
(Jazz)
Your woman was murdered?

80
00:03:46,150 --> 00:03:47,199
(Will)
Can I finish?

81
00:03:47,219 --> 00:03:49,250
(Jazz)
My fault. Go ahead.

82
00:03:49,270 --> 00:03:52,210
(Will)
All of a sudden this big dude
comes out the kitchen.

83
00:03:54,079 --> 00:03:55,250
Hey, yo, man,
what was you doing in there?

84
00:03:55,270 --> 00:03:58,079
I'm with the Health Department.

85
00:04:00,180 --> 00:04:02,289
- Hey, yo..
- Do you have any..

86
00:04:04,229 --> 00:04:06,169
[clattering]

87
00:04:06,189 --> 00:04:10,050
Oh, man. Duke, Duke. Duke.

88
00:04:10,069 --> 00:04:12,280
I feared the worst
when I got to Duke's office.

89
00:04:15,129 --> 00:04:17,019
And I was right.

90
00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:20,209
[sobbing]
Oh, mama, no!

91
00:04:20,230 --> 00:04:22,149
I'd never seen
a dead body before.

92
00:04:22,170 --> 00:04:24,189
Well, you know, of course,
Curtis sees them all the time.

93
00:04:24,209 --> 00:04:26,220
He works at the post office.

94
00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:31,069
It turns out, the mob
was trying to muscle in

95
00:04:31,089 --> 00:04:33,120
on the lucrative
Philly cheese-steak market.

96
00:04:33,139 --> 00:04:35,220
Duke told them,
"Over my dead body. "

97
00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:37,180
I sure do miss him.

98
00:04:39,009 --> 00:04:42,050
Man, it was up to me
to finger Duke's killer.

99
00:04:44,129 --> 00:04:46,250
That's him. That's him!
Number three, that's him!

100
00:04:46,269 --> 00:04:49,129
You're positive
it isn't one of the others?

101
00:04:51,230 --> 00:04:54,199
No, that's him. That's him, man.

102
00:04:54,220 --> 00:04:56,129
Send the first two out.

103
00:04:58,100 --> 00:05:02,089
The man we are looking at
is John "Fingers" O'Neill

104
00:05:02,110 --> 00:05:05,019
the number-one hit man
for the mob.

105
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:07,139
I'm going to start
on the paperwork.

106
00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:11,079
Um..

107
00:05:20,139 --> 00:05:21,290
[chuckles]

108
00:05:24,139 --> 00:05:27,089
[beatboxing]

109
00:05:27,110 --> 00:05:29,120
[laughs]

110
00:05:29,139 --> 00:05:32,040
Boy, your choking days is over.

111
00:05:34,019 --> 00:05:37,149
You're going to jail, fool.

112
00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:39,220
Lucky there's five inches
of glass between us.

113
00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,149
Boy, I might just tear off
into..

114
00:05:42,170 --> 00:05:45,189
[screaming]

115
00:05:46,090 --> 00:05:49,100
[choking]

116
00:05:52,069 --> 00:05:53,189
All I could think
at that moment was..

117
00:05:53,209 --> 00:05:55,209
(Will)
'Turn around!'

118
00:05:58,069 --> 00:06:00,000
[groans]

119
00:06:00,019 --> 00:06:03,050
[breathing heavily]

120
00:06:04,149 --> 00:06:07,129
- He saw you.
- You think?

121
00:06:07,149 --> 00:06:11,189
O'Neill escaped by bowling over
nine agents and a DEA dog.

122
00:06:11,209 --> 00:06:13,139
My life was in danger,
so they put me

123
00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:16,079
in a witness-protection program
in Deliverance, Alabama.

124
00:06:16,100 --> 00:06:19,000
They hooked me up
with a new life and a new name.

125
00:06:19,019 --> 00:06:20,170
"Floyd Palmer?"

126
00:06:21,199 --> 00:06:22,290
Hey, look, no. Uh-uh. Come
on.

127
00:06:23,009 --> 00:06:24,089
I'm-I'm more like a

128
00:06:24,110 --> 00:06:27,180
a-a Malcolm Akbar Mustafa.

129
00:06:28,100 --> 00:06:29,220
It's taken.

130
00:06:31,029 --> 00:06:33,159
Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, hold up.
Come on.

131
00:06:33,180 --> 00:06:35,290
It's I'm a city boy, you
know,
I-I got to get out to..

132
00:06:36,009 --> 00:06:38,279
Oh, and I gotta get out to the
club and get my little groove on

133
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:41,029
talk some jazz. You got me?

134
00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:45,000
Well, the nearest town
is Hatred, Mississippi.

135
00:06:45,019 --> 00:06:47,069
I can check if there's dancing.

136
00:06:50,060 --> 00:06:51,269
Wait, wait, wait.

137
00:06:54,019 --> 00:06:56,060
Ca-can I at least call my family
in Bel-Air?

138
00:06:56,079 --> 00:06:57,189
Absolutely not.

139
00:06:57,209 --> 00:06:59,259
Now, they've been informed
that you're in the program.

140
00:06:59,279 --> 00:07:01,139
They wish you luck.

141
00:07:04,029 --> 00:07:06,019
(Will)
I was scared

142
00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:09,000
and somewhat alone.

143
00:07:09,019 --> 00:07:12,019
So I did what I always do
when faced with adversity.

144
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:15,069
[snoring]

145
00:07:17,129 --> 00:07:19,160
[chuckles]

146
00:07:19,180 --> 00:07:22,139
Of course I love you, Laqueesha.

147
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:27,069
I don't think
your butt is too saggy.

148
00:07:28,230 --> 00:07:31,019
[creaking]

149
00:07:32,110 --> 00:07:35,110
Please, O'Neill, no.

150
00:07:35,129 --> 00:07:37,069
Oh, please don't kill me.

151
00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:40,120
[intense music]

152
00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:52,019
[gasps]

153
00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:54,009
I bet it was the killer, right?

154
00:07:54,029 --> 00:07:55,110
Are you in or out?

155
00:07:55,129 --> 00:07:57,129
- I'm out, I'm out.
- Tough break.

156
00:07:57,149 --> 00:07:59,279
Your full house would have
beaten my seven high.

157
00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:03,079
I bet it was the killer, right?

158
00:08:03,100 --> 00:08:04,290
Look, Jazz,
I just don't feel comfortable

159
00:08:05,009 --> 00:08:06,079
telling you anymore, man.

160
00:08:06,100 --> 00:08:07,069
Uh, uh, who knows?

161
00:08:07,089 --> 00:08:08,259
Your life could be in danger.

162
00:08:08,279 --> 00:08:11,220
What life? I'm a married man.

163
00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:13,069
By the way, if Jewel asks

164
00:08:13,089 --> 00:08:15,209
we were at our pottery class
tonight.

165
00:08:15,230 --> 00:08:18,170
So I bet it was the killer,
right?

166
00:08:18,189 --> 00:08:20,089
Alright, alright, alright,
I'll-I'll tell you

167
00:08:20,110 --> 00:08:22,000
but ante up first.

168
00:08:23,259 --> 00:08:27,170
Man, it was the most horrifying
thing I had ever seen.

169
00:08:27,189 --> 00:08:29,199
[screams]

170
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:32,080
Uncle Phil.

171
00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:34,149
Hey, man, what you doing here?

172
00:08:34,169 --> 00:08:35,190
What am I doing here?

173
00:08:35,210 --> 00:08:38,129
[laughs]
What am I doing here?

174
00:08:38,149 --> 00:08:40,129
[chuckling]

175
00:08:40,149 --> 00:08:44,019
Well, son, I'll tell you
what I'm doing here.

176
00:08:44,039 --> 00:08:46,269
You see, years ago
I fell in love with

177
00:08:46,289 --> 00:08:49,179
and married a wonderful woman
named Vivian.

178
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:51,200
Vivian had a sister named Vy.

179
00:08:51,220 --> 00:08:55,000
Vy gave birth
to a child named Will

180
00:08:55,019 --> 00:08:56,190
whose sole purpose in life

181
00:08:56,210 --> 00:08:59,149
has been to make mine
a living hell!

182
00:08:59,169 --> 00:09:02,139
Now, you've done a lot to me
over the last four years

183
00:09:02,159 --> 00:09:05,190
but how you managed
to have me ripped out

184
00:09:05,210 --> 00:09:07,159
of my wonderful life in Bel-Air

185
00:09:07,179 --> 00:09:11,000
and relocated
to this, this landfill

186
00:09:11,019 --> 00:09:13,059
boggles my mind!

187
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:15,279
What do you have to say
for yourself?

188
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:17,149
Is that a toupee?

189
00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:21,029
Yes, it's a toupee.

190
00:09:21,049 --> 00:09:23,080
It's a part of my new identity.

191
00:09:24,220 --> 00:09:26,259
You see what you do to me?

192
00:09:26,279 --> 00:09:28,230
Well, where's the bathroom?

193
00:09:28,250 --> 00:09:33,000
It's, um, uh,
right through that door.

194
00:09:35,279 --> 00:09:38,059
- It leads outside.
- Oh, yeah, I know.

195
00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:39,259
Uh, you better take this
broomstick, there's
something

196
00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:41,110
living in there.

197
00:09:49,019 --> 00:09:51,100
Hey-hey, my family!

198
00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:54,200
Aunt Viv! Hey, what happened?

199
00:09:54,220 --> 00:09:56,149
The FBI heard that your hit man

200
00:09:56,169 --> 00:09:58,059
was gonna try to get to you
through us.

201
00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:02,059
So they put us in the
witness-protection program, too.

202
00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:05,159
See, mom, I always said Will
would be the ruin of this family

203
00:10:05,179 --> 00:10:08,169
but did you listen to me?
Does anyone ever listen to me?

204
00:10:08,190 --> 00:10:10,120
Listen, what are you
babbling about, Carlton?

205
00:10:10,139 --> 00:10:12,200
Carlton?
There's no Carlton here.

206
00:10:12,220 --> 00:10:15,080
Thanks to you,
Carlton Banks no longer exists!

207
00:10:15,100 --> 00:10:18,159
He's now Little Zeke
from Cabin Creek.

208
00:10:18,179 --> 00:10:20,110
I hate to say it, Carlton

209
00:10:20,129 --> 00:10:22,080
but you and your family
are spoiled.

210
00:10:22,100 --> 00:10:25,019
Sure, there was a homicidal
maniac looking for you all

211
00:10:25,039 --> 00:10:26,120
but you still got
a free vacation

212
00:10:26,139 --> 00:10:28,090
on the government's tip.

213
00:10:29,220 --> 00:10:31,139
Royal flush.

214
00:10:32,139 --> 00:10:34,240
Mm. You win again.

215
00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:38,019
Something must be affecting
my concentration.

216
00:10:38,039 --> 00:10:39,210
Go on, Will.

217
00:10:39,230 --> 00:10:41,110
Yeah, go on, Will.

218
00:10:41,129 --> 00:10:43,019
Jacks are better?

219
00:10:43,039 --> 00:10:44,289
Well, look, I knew if I could
get Uncle Phil on my side

220
00:10:45,009 --> 00:10:46,269
all the others
would come around.

221
00:10:46,289 --> 00:10:50,059
- Hey, Uncle Phil.
- Big Zeke to you.

222
00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:52,080
Hey, come on, Uncle Phil,
how you gonna be mad at me?

223
00:10:52,100 --> 00:10:54,169
You always telling me
to do the right thing.

224
00:10:54,190 --> 00:10:56,240
So? You never
listened to me before.

225
00:10:56,259 --> 00:10:59,179
Why did you have to do it now?

226
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:03,179
What was I supposed to do?
Just let Duke's killer get away?

227
00:11:10,110 --> 00:11:11,149
I know.

228
00:11:14,110 --> 00:11:16,159
I know you did
what you had to do.

229
00:11:18,159 --> 00:11:21,240
Man, I just hope the FBI catches
him before he gets to me.

230
00:11:23,210 --> 00:11:25,049
You scared, son?

231
00:11:26,190 --> 00:11:28,250
Not so much
now that you're here.

232
00:11:32,110 --> 00:11:35,059
Hey, man, look, um,
wanna try fishing tomorrow?

233
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:36,250
Oh, can't.

234
00:11:36,269 --> 00:11:39,240
Tomorrow I start my new job
at the manure plant.

235
00:11:39,259 --> 00:11:41,179
Sleep tight, Floyd.

236
00:11:44,149 --> 00:11:46,029
Goodnight, Big Zeke.

237
00:11:55,259 --> 00:11:58,070
I hear you'd like to go dancing.

238
00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:06,090
You know, there's one thing
I can't follow.

239
00:12:06,110 --> 00:12:08,269
- One thing?
- Yeah.

240
00:12:08,289 --> 00:12:12,049
While y'all were in Deliverance,
where was the hit man?

241
00:12:12,070 --> 00:12:14,190
Oh, man,
that's a good question, Jazz.

242
00:12:14,210 --> 00:12:16,120
Thank you.

243
00:12:16,139 --> 00:12:18,110
Uh, dude, why don't you
tell him, Carlton?

244
00:12:18,129 --> 00:12:21,210
Well, I would,
but I need a fresh deck.

245
00:12:21,230 --> 00:12:25,139
Um, the, uh,
the-the hit man was, uh..

246
00:12:28,139 --> 00:12:30,169
...here in Bel-Air.

247
00:12:38,129 --> 00:12:39,269
(Hilary)
Dear Neiman or Marcus

248
00:12:39,289 --> 00:12:43,240
whichever of you
gets this first.

249
00:12:43,259 --> 00:12:46,070
I'm being held hostage
by my own government.

250
00:12:46,090 --> 00:12:47,269
Please send
my fall-winter catalog

251
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:50,279
care of Betty Mae Swilly,
Deliverance, Alabama.

252
00:12:54,149 --> 00:12:56,149
[clattering]

253
00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:04,129
[ominous music]

254
00:13:09,159 --> 00:13:11,149
[telephone ringing]

255
00:13:11,169 --> 00:13:12,110
Yup?

256
00:13:12,129 --> 00:13:13,210
[inaudible chatter on telephone]

257
00:13:13,230 --> 00:13:15,110
Jewel?

258
00:13:15,129 --> 00:13:17,120
Uh, yeah, t-the pottery class.

259
00:13:17,139 --> 00:13:20,070
No, no, no, no,
we-we was at the pottery class.

260
00:13:20,090 --> 00:13:23,009
But, uh, the kiln blew up.

261
00:13:24,210 --> 00:13:26,220
Yeah, uh, uh, no,
Jazz, he-he-he busy

262
00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:29,070
picking vase particles
out of his butt.

263
00:13:29,090 --> 00:13:31,110
Ow! Ow!

264
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:34,009
Jewel, listen..

265
00:13:34,029 --> 00:13:36,190
[dial tone]

266
00:13:37,129 --> 00:13:38,289
I know that sound.

267
00:13:39,009 --> 00:13:41,110
- I better get home.
- W-wait a minute.

268
00:13:41,129 --> 00:13:43,049
You'll miss
the best part of the story

269
00:13:43,070 --> 00:13:44,279
where we meet the bear.

270
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,090
- The bear?
- The bear?

271
00:13:47,110 --> 00:13:51,009
Oh, pfft, the bear. Yeah.

272
00:13:51,029 --> 00:13:53,190
Uh, deuces are wild.

273
00:13:53,210 --> 00:13:56,019
Uh, well, you're
the animal lover, Carlton.

274
00:13:56,039 --> 00:13:57,279
Why don't you tell him
about the bear?

275
00:13:58,000 --> 00:13:59,039
Well, sure.

276
00:13:59,059 --> 00:14:00,250
See, i-in order to find food

277
00:14:00,269 --> 00:14:02,279
we had to hike
into the nearest town.

278
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:04,289
Whoo! I'm tired.

279
00:14:05,009 --> 00:14:06,289
- How long have we been walking?
- I don't know.

280
00:14:07,009 --> 00:14:09,029
About three, four minutes.

281
00:14:10,159 --> 00:14:11,259
[sighs]

282
00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:16,000
Oh! Mm..

283
00:14:16,019 --> 00:14:18,120
[growling]

284
00:14:20,049 --> 00:14:24,190
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

285
00:14:24,210 --> 00:14:28,080
Ooh! Ooh-hoo-hoo!

286
00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:31,269
Ooh! Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

287
00:14:33,159 --> 00:14:34,190
(Will)
'Okay, okay.'

288
00:14:34,210 --> 00:14:36,110
[humming]

289
00:14:36,129 --> 00:14:38,029
Go on, Maynard, go home.

290
00:14:38,049 --> 00:14:40,100
Scoot. Come on, go.

291
00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:42,070
You git. You git.

292
00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:43,230
Ooh! Ooh..

293
00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:45,080
Good bear.

294
00:14:47,250 --> 00:14:50,000
[chuckles]

295
00:14:50,019 --> 00:14:52,070
Hey, thank you.
Oh, thank you so much.

296
00:14:52,090 --> 00:14:53,240
Hey, look, you saved my life.

297
00:14:53,259 --> 00:14:56,009
What's your name, baby butt?

298
00:14:56,029 --> 00:14:57,179
Hey, hey.

299
00:14:59,019 --> 00:15:01,070
Uh, Will. Floyd.

300
00:15:01,090 --> 00:15:05,059
Will Floyd,
you ever been with a big woman?

301
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:06,110
Uh..

302
00:15:06,129 --> 00:15:08,169
I was in the Statue of Liberty
once.

303
00:15:10,269 --> 00:15:13,159
Hey. Miss, miss. Ooh. Ooh.

304
00:15:13,179 --> 00:15:16,090
- What is that on your teeth?
- Pudding.

305
00:15:16,110 --> 00:15:18,009
[groaning]

306
00:15:18,029 --> 00:15:22,110
Thanks, Carlton, I had
almost forgotten about Bertha.

307
00:15:22,129 --> 00:15:24,269
How could you forget?
You almost married her.

308
00:15:25,279 --> 00:15:27,220
Man, this is getting
complicated.

309
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:29,159
Boy, tell me about it.

310
00:15:31,139 --> 00:15:33,169
(Will)
That night we were enjoying
a special dinner.

311
00:15:33,190 --> 00:15:35,080
Our neighbor, Sue Ellen,
was cooking up something

312
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:36,259
she had run over.

313
00:15:36,279 --> 00:15:39,000
Sorry I'm late,
but it was so beautiful

314
00:15:39,019 --> 00:15:42,070
I just couldn't leave
the marina.

315
00:15:42,090 --> 00:15:45,039
Chateaubriand? Mm!

316
00:15:47,149 --> 00:15:51,169
So, uh, so how was your day,
sweetheart?

317
00:15:51,190 --> 00:15:53,110
It was wonderful.

318
00:15:53,129 --> 00:15:55,190
Oh, look what one of the girls
taught me.

319
00:15:58,279 --> 00:16:01,080
Now, a lot of families
would just crumble

320
00:16:01,100 --> 00:16:02,259
under these circumstances.

321
00:16:02,279 --> 00:16:06,210
But once again
we are showing our true colors.

322
00:16:06,230 --> 00:16:08,190
To family!

323
00:16:08,210 --> 00:16:09,289
- To family!
- To family!

324
00:16:10,009 --> 00:16:12,070
- Come on, Carlton.
- There he is, daddy.

325
00:16:12,090 --> 00:16:14,240
There's the dirty varmint
who made me pregnant.

326
00:16:16,169 --> 00:16:18,159
Hey, hey, wait a minute.

327
00:16:18,179 --> 00:16:20,279
I ain't make nobody pregnant.

328
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:23,129
You calling my daughter a liar?

329
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:24,259
No, man, it just wasn't me.

330
00:16:24,279 --> 00:16:27,259
Of course it wasn't.
The boy just got to Deliverance.

331
00:16:27,279 --> 00:16:29,019
Oh, is that so? Well..

332
00:16:29,039 --> 00:16:30,019
A fella over at the college says

333
00:16:30,039 --> 00:16:31,070
he been going to school there

334
00:16:31,090 --> 00:16:32,190
for two years.

335
00:16:32,210 --> 00:16:35,210
[whispers]
Oh, damn
witness-protection program.

336
00:16:35,230 --> 00:16:38,039
Wedding's set for tomorrow
at noon.

337
00:16:38,059 --> 00:16:42,049
If you register at Tiffany's,
ask for Richard.

338
00:16:42,070 --> 00:16:44,289
Oh, w-wait, hold on. Now nobody
is registering for anything.

339
00:16:45,009 --> 00:16:47,220
- Mister, uh, uh..
- McCoy. Hatfield McCoy.

340
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:52,169
Now, now, Mr. McCoy, now
your daughter is a very, uh..

341
00:16:52,190 --> 00:16:55,049
...uh, lovely woman

342
00:16:55,070 --> 00:16:58,240
and any man would be proud
to be the father of her child.

343
00:16:58,259 --> 00:17:01,279
But you cannot go around
falsely accusing people.

344
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:05,160
Twelve o'clock. You bring the
groom, I'll bring the shotgun.

345
00:17:05,180 --> 00:17:07,059
Bring it, Bertha.

346
00:17:08,039 --> 00:17:09,140
Wait-wait, wait, hold on.

347
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:13,230
Oh, say, hey, hey, Mr. McCoy,
uh, listen.

348
00:17:13,250 --> 00:17:18,089
Now, I would love to marry
your daughter, you know, but..

349
00:17:18,109 --> 00:17:19,200
I mean, who wouldn't?

350
00:17:19,220 --> 00:17:21,009
Me.

351
00:17:22,180 --> 00:17:24,029
Well, you see, it's my moms.

352
00:17:24,049 --> 00:17:25,190
You know, see, she's in Africa

353
00:17:25,210 --> 00:17:27,240
and-and I'm her only child.

354
00:17:27,259 --> 00:17:29,259
And-and it would just crush her

355
00:17:29,279 --> 00:17:33,259
to not be here
to share in my happiness.

356
00:17:33,279 --> 00:17:35,089
Well, we're real big on
family

357
00:17:35,109 --> 00:17:36,240
so, uh, the wedding
will take place

358
00:17:36,259 --> 00:17:38,200
just as soon as she gets
back.

359
00:17:38,220 --> 00:17:41,210
But the engagement party
is tonight.

360
00:17:41,230 --> 00:17:43,079
[gunshots]

361
00:17:43,099 --> 00:17:45,029
cheering]

362
00:17:45,049 --> 00:17:46,240
And at least
I have this picture of you

363
00:17:46,259 --> 00:17:49,049
to keep in my drawers.

364
00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:51,160
Whoa.

365
00:17:51,180 --> 00:17:54,210
- Where did you get this?
- Oh, uh, the general store.

366
00:17:54,230 --> 00:17:57,150
Vern said some big fella's
been asking about you.

367
00:17:57,170 --> 00:17:59,220
He left it. Come on, boys.

368
00:18:01,210 --> 00:18:03,009
Oh, my God!

369
00:18:03,029 --> 00:18:04,160
That means you-know-who

370
00:18:04,180 --> 00:18:06,099
is coming you-know-where!

371
00:18:06,119 --> 00:18:08,210
[cheering]

372
00:18:08,230 --> 00:18:11,259
[country music]

373
00:18:24,019 --> 00:18:26,269
(Will)
I knew it was just a matter
of time before O'Neill found me

374
00:18:26,289 --> 00:18:29,130
so I decided to fight fire
with fire.

375
00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:31,200
I enlisted the aid
of my future father-in-law

376
00:18:31,220 --> 00:18:34,019
and his trigger-happy kin.

377
00:18:34,039 --> 00:18:35,150
Alright, listen.

378
00:18:35,170 --> 00:18:39,019
Now, when you hear me
say the word "family"

379
00:18:39,039 --> 00:18:41,230
that's when y'all come
running out, alright? Alright.

380
00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:45,019
Y'all heard
my future son-in-law, now
git!

381
00:18:45,039 --> 00:18:47,000
As they ran off
to take their positions

382
00:18:47,019 --> 00:18:49,049
I realized one thing.

383
00:18:49,069 --> 00:18:51,170
Hatfield didn't use deodorant.

384
00:18:53,150 --> 00:18:56,160
I had to kill time before
the killer came to kill me.

385
00:18:56,180 --> 00:18:58,079
I thought about
all those showdowns

386
00:18:58,099 --> 00:19:00,210
I'd seen in all those Westerns.

387
00:19:00,230 --> 00:19:02,119
The good guys usually won.

388
00:19:02,140 --> 00:19:03,289
Well, except
for "The Unforgiven"

389
00:19:04,009 --> 00:19:05,170
where everybody got killed.

390
00:19:05,190 --> 00:19:07,069
And then there was "Posse"
which got killed

391
00:19:07,089 --> 00:19:09,000
at the box office.

392
00:19:21,130 --> 00:19:24,279
If I were you, I would run.

393
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:27,140
If you were me,
you would be good-looking.

394
00:19:31,039 --> 00:19:35,089
You know, usually I try
to detach myself from my
work

395
00:19:35,109 --> 00:19:38,180
but I'm gonna enjoy
squeezing the life out of
you.

396
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:42,000
[imitating O'Neill]
I'm really gonna enjoy
squeezing the life out of you.

397
00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:46,279
You know why
I'm not scared of you?

398
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:50,000
'Cause I got something
that you don't have.

399
00:19:51,109 --> 00:19:52,279
Family.

400
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:55,259
What are you talking about?
I got a sister in New Jersey.

401
00:19:57,019 --> 00:19:59,130
I'm talking about family!

402
00:20:02,279 --> 00:20:04,150
Family!

403
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:10,130
I-I mean, fa-family.

404
00:20:11,099 --> 00:20:12,210
[clattering]

405
00:20:12,230 --> 00:20:14,140
It was obvious
the McCoys didn't know

406
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,069
when to say when.

407
00:20:17,220 --> 00:20:18,289
Say, my man,
you mind if I run inside

408
00:20:19,009 --> 00:20:21,039
and put on a big pot of coffee?

409
00:20:21,059 --> 00:20:23,009
How did you get away?

410
00:20:23,029 --> 00:20:25,150
Uh, ante up and I'll tell you.

411
00:20:25,170 --> 00:20:26,240
I'm out of money.

412
00:20:26,259 --> 00:20:29,029
Then I'm out of story.

413
00:20:30,170 --> 00:20:31,289
Wait a second.

414
00:20:32,009 --> 00:20:35,000
That part about the bear
wasn't true, was it?

415
00:20:35,019 --> 00:20:36,160
None of it was true.

416
00:20:36,180 --> 00:20:39,089
Mister,
consider yourself hustled.

417
00:20:39,109 --> 00:20:41,119
[laughing]

418
00:20:42,259 --> 00:20:44,069
Hey, listen, why don't you
come over for some

419
00:20:44,089 --> 00:20:45,160
poker tomorrow night,
we'll tell you

420
00:20:45,180 --> 00:20:46,220
about Carlton and the alien.

421
00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:49,069
[Carlton laughing]

422
00:20:50,170 --> 00:20:52,049
You know, you guys are
nothing

423
00:20:52,069 --> 00:20:54,160
but a bunch of stinking,
thieving liars.

424
00:20:54,180 --> 00:20:56,190
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go sit on a vase

425
00:20:56,210 --> 00:20:58,230
and get home to my wife.

426
00:20:59,269 --> 00:21:01,170
[laughing]

427
00:21:01,190 --> 00:21:03,150
Wow, hook, line and sinker.

428
00:21:03,170 --> 00:21:06,269
Oh, yes, sir, I am the true
fisherman, you know, you
know?

429
00:21:06,289 --> 00:21:10,069
And when it comes to deception,
you are the prince.

430
00:21:10,089 --> 00:21:12,279
Ooh, nine o'clock.
I-I, I gotta get to bed.

431
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:15,130
Hey, goodnight, Little Zeke.

432
00:21:15,150 --> 00:21:16,259
[in southern accent]
Goodnight, Will Floyd.

433
00:21:16,279 --> 00:21:19,029
[laughing]

434
00:21:19,049 --> 00:21:21,109
Whoo-hoo-hoo. Oh..

435
00:21:21,130 --> 00:21:24,150
[instrumental music]

436
00:21:25,190 --> 00:21:27,200
[banging on door]

437
00:21:29,140 --> 00:21:31,170
[banging on door]

438
00:21:31,190 --> 00:21:32,279
Hm..

439
00:21:34,289 --> 00:21:36,009
[banging on door]

440
00:21:36,029 --> 00:21:38,049
Alright, alright, alright.

441
00:21:43,289 --> 00:21:46,190
[screaming]

442
00:21:50,289 --> 00:21:53,160
[screaming]

443
00:21:55,089 --> 00:21:57,089
That will teach him
to play with me.

444
00:21:57,109 --> 00:21:58,250
[laughs]

445
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,119
[theme music]

446
00:22:06,140 --> 00:22:08,049
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

447
00:22:11,039 --> 00:22:12,210
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

448
00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:17,069
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

449
00:22:20,150 --> 00:22:22,019
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

450
00:22:25,009 --> 00:22:26,210
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

451
00:22:29,170 --> 00:22:31,069
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

452
00:22:33,150 --> 00:22:36,039
[instrumental music]