1 00:00:02,060 --> 00:00:04,280 - Yo, Nicky, you ready? - 'Almost.' 2 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:06,209 Hurry up, man, we got to get on. 3 00:00:09,109 --> 00:00:10,179 Where's Nicky? 4 00:00:10,199 --> 00:00:12,250 Today is Children's Day at the Nixon Library. 5 00:00:13,250 --> 00:00:15,199 Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up, man. 6 00:00:15,220 --> 00:00:17,140 Nicky's going with me. 7 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:20,000 I'm taking him to the sorority beach volleyball tournament. 8 00:00:20,019 --> 00:00:23,079 Mm. Two hundred honeys bumping and spiking. 9 00:00:23,100 --> 00:00:24,199 You know what I mean? 10 00:00:24,219 --> 00:00:26,120 Heh. You know what I mean? 11 00:00:28,059 --> 00:00:31,260 Yeah, you don't know what I mean. 12 00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:34,210 Will, you're just Nicky's cousin, I'm his brother. 13 00:00:34,229 --> 00:00:36,229 I'm a big branch of his family tree. 14 00:00:36,250 --> 00:00:39,200 Mm. Then why are your limbs so short? 15 00:00:41,109 --> 00:00:43,109 Fine. But let's see what my father thinks about this. 16 00:00:43,130 --> 00:00:46,170 Alright, alright, you big baby. 17 00:00:47,159 --> 00:00:49,210 Fine, Nicky can go with you. 18 00:00:49,229 --> 00:00:51,289 Y'all just have fun. 19 00:00:52,009 --> 00:00:54,079 - Really? - Yeah, sure, man. 20 00:00:54,100 --> 00:00:55,240 Oh, don't forget your flag, though. 21 00:00:55,259 --> 00:00:57,000 I mean, what's a day at the Nixon Library 22 00:00:57,020 --> 00:00:58,009 without Old Glory, huh? 23 00:00:58,030 --> 00:01:00,200 - Oh, good call. - Alright. 24 00:01:00,219 --> 00:01:03,189 [Will laughing] 25 00:01:03,210 --> 00:01:04,260 (Carlton) 'Hey!' 26 00:01:06,010 --> 00:01:08,000 'Hey!' 27 00:01:08,019 --> 00:01:11,260 Everybody going to the beach say, "Kowabunga!" 28 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:14,250 - Kowabunga! - Ha-ha-ha. 29 00:01:14,269 --> 00:01:16,150 [theme song] 30 00:01:16,170 --> 00:01:18,060 ♪ Now this is a story ♪ 31 00:01:18,079 --> 00:01:21,120 ♪ All about how my life got flipped turned upside down ♪ 32 00:01:21,140 --> 00:01:23,210 ♪ And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there ♪ 33 00:01:23,230 --> 00:01:25,019 ♪ I'll tell you how I became the prince ♪ 34 00:01:25,039 --> 00:01:26,260 ♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪ 35 00:01:35,140 --> 00:01:38,049 ♪ In West Philadelphia born and raised ♪ 36 00:01:38,069 --> 00:01:40,219 ♪ On the playground is where I spent most of my days ♪ 37 00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:42,259 ♪ Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool ♪ 38 00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:45,109 ♪ And all shootin' some B-ball outside of the school ♪ 39 00:01:45,129 --> 00:01:47,219 ♪ When a couple of guys who were up to no good ♪ 40 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:50,000 ♪ Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood ♪ 41 00:01:50,020 --> 00:01:52,200 ♪ I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said ♪ 42 00:01:52,219 --> 00:01:55,020 ♪ You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air ♪ 43 00:01:55,039 --> 00:01:57,020 ♪ I whistled for a cab and when it came near ♪ 44 00:01:57,039 --> 00:01:59,170 ♪ The license plate said Fresh and it had dice in the mirror ♪ 45 00:01:59,189 --> 00:02:01,260 ♪ If anything I could say that this cab was rare ♪ 46 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:05,230 ♪ But I thought nah forget it yo homes to Bel-Air ♪ 47 00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:08,280 ♪ I pulled up to the house about seven or eight ♪ 48 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:11,219 ♪ And I yelled to the cabbie yo homes smell ya later ♪ 49 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:13,270 ♪ I looked at my kingdom I was finally there ♪ 50 00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,240 ♪ To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪ 51 00:02:29,229 --> 00:02:31,180 [instrumental music] 52 00:02:31,199 --> 00:02:34,079 Whoa, nice flowers. Another stalker? 53 00:02:34,099 --> 00:02:36,079 [scoffs] I wish. 54 00:02:36,099 --> 00:02:38,030 I had a problem at the studio today. 55 00:02:38,050 --> 00:02:39,139 What happened? 56 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:41,129 Well, I was late for my talk-show taping 57 00:02:41,150 --> 00:02:43,280 so I parked in the first space I could find. 58 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:46,079 I found out later it was Leeza Gibbons' spot 59 00:02:46,099 --> 00:02:48,129 and she had my car towed. 60 00:02:48,150 --> 00:02:49,250 [sighs] I was so upset 61 00:02:49,270 --> 00:02:52,020 I sent these flowers to cheer myself up. 62 00:02:55,020 --> 00:02:57,090 Man, now who does a thing like that? 63 00:02:57,110 --> 00:02:59,129 I know, can you believe her? 64 00:03:02,110 --> 00:03:03,280 I don't care how high her ratings are 65 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:07,240 nobody treats Hilary Banks like this. I'll get her. 66 00:03:07,259 --> 00:03:09,289 And her little car too. 67 00:03:11,090 --> 00:03:13,250 You're not taking them diet pills again, are you? 68 00:03:13,270 --> 00:03:16,079 Will, you have to help me think of a way to get even with her. 69 00:03:16,099 --> 00:03:17,229 Forgive me for asking 70 00:03:17,250 --> 00:03:20,099 but why are you involving Master William in this? 71 00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:23,039 Well, Will's come a long way from Philly, but let's face it 72 00:03:23,060 --> 00:03:24,129 he's still a common street hood 73 00:03:24,150 --> 00:03:26,250 from the wrong side of the tracks. 74 00:03:26,270 --> 00:03:28,009 So will you help me? 75 00:03:29,129 --> 00:03:32,210 Oh, gee, you know, when you put it that way, no. 76 00:03:34,060 --> 00:03:35,240 Will, I'm begging you. 77 00:03:35,259 --> 00:03:37,289 Look, come on, girl, that's vandalism you're talking about. 78 00:03:38,009 --> 00:03:39,090 No. 79 00:03:39,110 --> 00:03:41,280 Oh, I do remember this one time, though 80 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:44,000 me and my homies was trying to get even with this gym teacher 81 00:03:44,020 --> 00:03:45,050 that was gettin' on our nerves 82 00:03:45,069 --> 00:03:46,189 my man Chill took a key 83 00:03:46,210 --> 00:03:48,050 scratched all up the side of the paint. 84 00:03:48,069 --> 00:03:50,189 I took a potato, right, rammed it up in the tailpipe. 85 00:03:50,210 --> 00:03:54,219 Dude came out, started that joint, it was like "Kaboom!" 86 00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:56,259 Boom! 87 00:03:58,060 --> 00:04:01,000 What a wonderful lesson for Master Nicky. 88 00:04:01,020 --> 00:04:03,259 Perhaps now you could teach him to run with scissors. 89 00:04:06,020 --> 00:04:09,099 Come on, G, Nicky knows that vandalism ain't cool, right? 90 00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:11,069 - Right. - Alright, come on, let's go. 91 00:04:11,090 --> 00:04:12,259 [grunts] Get down to this beach. 92 00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:14,280 Get with these honeys, you know what I mean? 93 00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:19,279 Geoffrey, if I were a potato, where would I be? 94 00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:27,269 - Where're you two going? - Oh, to the beach. 95 00:04:27,290 --> 00:04:32,050 Yeah, me and Will are going trolling for slimmies. 96 00:04:35,139 --> 00:04:36,110 He be tripping. 97 00:04:36,129 --> 00:04:38,009 [chuckles] 98 00:04:38,029 --> 00:04:41,159 No, he, he-he mean, we gonna play in the sand. 99 00:04:41,180 --> 00:04:44,240 Look, Ashley, it's daddy's mad face. 100 00:04:48,029 --> 00:04:49,129 Come on, Nicky, let's go upstairs 101 00:04:49,149 --> 00:04:51,220 before daddy's head explodes. 102 00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:54,050 Will, at this age, Nicky is like a sponge. 103 00:04:54,069 --> 00:04:56,209 If he hears something he likes, he's gonna imitate it. 104 00:04:56,230 --> 00:04:58,250 Oh, kind of like Michael Bolton. 105 00:05:00,170 --> 00:05:02,240 Look, maybe you've been spending too much time with Nicky. 106 00:05:02,259 --> 00:05:05,170 In fact, doesn't Carlton have some plans for this afternoon? 107 00:05:05,189 --> 00:05:07,029 Oh, yeah, and where is he? 108 00:05:07,050 --> 00:05:09,060 I know he better have a daggone good excuse 109 00:05:09,079 --> 00:05:11,009 for standing Nicky up. 110 00:05:11,029 --> 00:05:13,060 Will locked me in the closet. 111 00:05:15,089 --> 00:05:17,110 [scoffs] That's so tired. 112 00:05:18,199 --> 00:05:19,269 (Will) 'Alright, alright, Uncle Phil.' 113 00:05:19,290 --> 00:05:21,079 I just wanted to take the kid to 114 00:05:21,100 --> 00:05:23,259 his first bikini volleyball tournament. 115 00:05:23,279 --> 00:05:26,230 I do not want my little boy exposed to that much sex. 116 00:05:26,250 --> 00:05:29,019 Uh, oh, don't worry, mom, it only happened once. 117 00:05:34,189 --> 00:05:36,100 Y-you meant Nicky, didn't you? 118 00:05:41,100 --> 00:05:43,090 I read that Dougie is gonna be appearing 119 00:05:43,110 --> 00:05:44,120 down at the mall today. 120 00:05:44,139 --> 00:05:45,230 Oh. Dougie? 121 00:05:45,250 --> 00:05:47,069 That big, dumb, orange whale 122 00:05:47,090 --> 00:05:49,040 that be singing them stupid songs? 123 00:05:49,060 --> 00:05:51,050 Hey, those songs are life-affirming little ditties 124 00:05:51,069 --> 00:05:53,250 that bring joy to the young and the young at heart. 125 00:05:53,269 --> 00:05:57,050 ♪ I love everything big and small ♪ 126 00:05:57,069 --> 00:06:01,279 ♪ Cute and ugly I love them all ♪♪ 127 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,089 Would you like to go see Dougie at the mall today? 128 00:06:04,110 --> 00:06:06,199 Dougie? Cool! 129 00:06:06,220 --> 00:06:08,000 Okay, whoa. Whoa. Wait a minute. 130 00:06:08,019 --> 00:06:09,139 Wait a minute. Come on, time out. 131 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:12,060 Now, can-can we think about this for a second, please? 132 00:06:12,079 --> 00:06:15,040 Now, Dougie loves everything. 133 00:06:15,060 --> 00:06:17,110 People, am I the only one that finds something 134 00:06:17,129 --> 00:06:19,100 terribly wrong with that? 135 00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:22,199 ♪ I love bugs and I love death ♪ 136 00:06:22,220 --> 00:06:26,079 ♪ I love oozing flesh wounds ♪ 137 00:06:26,100 --> 00:06:27,110 Mommy! Mommy! 138 00:06:27,129 --> 00:06:29,160 Will! Will! 139 00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:30,189 What the hell is wrong with you? 140 00:06:30,209 --> 00:06:31,250 Oh, I'm sorry, Uncle Phil. 141 00:06:31,269 --> 00:06:34,090 I didn't know he was gonna act like that. 142 00:06:34,110 --> 00:06:36,240 Alright, look, at least can I take him to the mall? 143 00:06:36,259 --> 00:06:40,050 - Are we gonna go see Dougie? - Yeah, that's right. 144 00:06:40,069 --> 00:06:42,000 Me and you. Oh. 145 00:06:42,019 --> 00:06:45,129 If we hurry out of there, we can make it to the victory swim. 146 00:06:45,149 --> 00:06:48,180 [instrumental music] 147 00:06:52,230 --> 00:06:54,259 Hey, unhand me. 148 00:06:56,060 --> 00:06:58,170 Sir, the floor seating is for children only. 149 00:06:58,189 --> 00:07:00,259 Now sit in the chair like a grown-up. 150 00:07:00,279 --> 00:07:04,199 - Where's Dougie? - Well, he is a whale. 151 00:07:04,220 --> 00:07:06,060 Maybe we should go look for him at the beach. 152 00:07:06,079 --> 00:07:07,089 - Okay. - Yes! 153 00:07:07,110 --> 00:07:08,100 [instrumental music] 154 00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:11,199 [cheering] 155 00:07:11,220 --> 00:07:13,189 It's Dougie! 156 00:07:13,209 --> 00:07:16,079 I love you, everybody. 157 00:07:16,100 --> 00:07:20,060 (all) We love you, Dougie! 158 00:07:20,079 --> 00:07:22,089 Let's all do the welcome song. 159 00:07:22,110 --> 00:07:24,149 Everyone sing and dance along. 160 00:07:24,170 --> 00:07:26,120 [music continues] 161 00:07:28,129 --> 00:07:30,129 ♪ It's nice to be here with you my friends ♪ 162 00:07:30,149 --> 00:07:32,180 ♪ My lovely friendly friendly friends ♪ 163 00:07:32,199 --> 00:07:34,199 ♪ I love you all so much my friends ♪ 164 00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:36,250 ♪ I like my big friends ♪ 165 00:07:36,269 --> 00:07:38,069 [microphone squealing] 166 00:07:38,090 --> 00:07:40,269 Hey, someone check the damn level. 167 00:07:44,139 --> 00:07:45,180 [grunts] 168 00:07:45,199 --> 00:07:47,040 [instrumental music] 169 00:07:48,290 --> 00:07:51,069 ♪ It's nice to be here with you my friends ♪ 170 00:07:51,090 --> 00:07:53,120 ♪ My little friends my happy friends ♪ 171 00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:55,120 ♪ It's nice to be here with you my friends ♪ 172 00:07:55,139 --> 00:07:56,180 ♪ My cutie little friend.. ♪♪ 173 00:07:56,199 --> 00:07:57,209 [microphone squealing] 174 00:07:57,230 --> 00:07:58,290 That's it. 175 00:07:59,009 --> 00:08:00,170 You SOBs better pull your thumbs out 176 00:08:00,189 --> 00:08:02,240 and get your freaking acts together. 177 00:08:07,089 --> 00:08:09,240 What's wrong with Dougie? 178 00:08:09,259 --> 00:08:12,209 I think something must have crawled up his blowhole. 179 00:08:12,230 --> 00:08:14,079 (all) Dougie! Dougie! 180 00:08:14,100 --> 00:08:16,259 Dougie! Dougie! Dougie! 181 00:08:16,279 --> 00:08:18,040 Let's get out of here. 182 00:08:18,060 --> 00:08:19,230 The last time a Dougie concert was canceled 183 00:08:19,250 --> 00:08:22,110 the kids went crazy and trashed a babyGap. 184 00:08:23,019 --> 00:08:24,180 Shut up, Carlton. 185 00:08:24,199 --> 00:08:27,240 I'mma go back there, I'mma have a mammal-to-mammal with Dougie. 186 00:08:27,259 --> 00:08:30,029 Go get Nicky and calm this crowd down. 187 00:08:30,050 --> 00:08:31,069 Come on, Nicky. 188 00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:34,159 Sit right here. 189 00:08:35,149 --> 00:08:36,279 Maestro. 190 00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:40,019 [instrumental music] 191 00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:51,149 Excuse me. Mr. Dougie? How you doing? 192 00:08:52,259 --> 00:08:54,230 Um, I was wondering when you were coming back out there 193 00:08:54,250 --> 00:08:56,289 'cause, you know, we've been waiting for you all day. 194 00:08:57,009 --> 00:08:58,220 Aren't you a little old for this crap? 195 00:09:00,220 --> 00:09:02,259 Uh-huh. Yeah, but my cousin isn't. 196 00:09:02,279 --> 00:09:05,009 You know, he-he came here to see a show. 197 00:09:05,029 --> 00:09:07,179 Yeah? What'd he pay for the ticket? 198 00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:09,090 Nothin'. It was free. 199 00:09:09,110 --> 00:09:12,220 Then the little brat got his money's worth. Now beat it. 200 00:09:16,269 --> 00:09:17,279 [chuckles] 201 00:09:18,220 --> 00:09:20,210 Um, look here 202 00:09:20,230 --> 00:09:23,059 you big orange Moby Dick. 203 00:09:27,230 --> 00:09:30,200 Listen, hotshot, I know this isn't as glamorous 204 00:09:30,220 --> 00:09:33,059 as your job down at the mini-mart.. 205 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:34,250 ..but I make an honest day's work. 206 00:09:34,269 --> 00:09:37,200 And who the hell are you to look down on me, huh, punk? 207 00:09:37,220 --> 00:09:39,190 [chuckles] 208 00:09:39,210 --> 00:09:41,149 You pushed me, called me punk. That's funny. 209 00:09:41,169 --> 00:09:44,169 Listen, um, I'll tell you what. 210 00:09:44,190 --> 00:09:46,269 Why don't you just put your hat on.. 211 00:09:46,289 --> 00:09:48,019 [sighs] 212 00:09:51,279 --> 00:09:53,039 ...go head back out there 213 00:09:53,059 --> 00:09:54,210 do what you gotta do for the kids 214 00:09:54,230 --> 00:09:56,259 'cause, you know, they're really looking forward to it. Alright? 215 00:09:56,279 --> 00:10:00,009 Tough guy, huh? I'm so scared. 216 00:10:01,230 --> 00:10:04,059 I think you better keep your fins off me, alright? 217 00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:05,159 Why, what are you gonna do, huh? 218 00:10:05,179 --> 00:10:07,220 What are you gonna do, wise guy, huh? 219 00:10:09,149 --> 00:10:11,000 I think you better keep your fins off me. 220 00:10:11,019 --> 00:10:12,019 Oh, yeah? 221 00:10:12,039 --> 00:10:13,120 [Will groans] 222 00:10:13,139 --> 00:10:14,159 Oh, it's on now. 223 00:10:14,179 --> 00:10:15,210 [Will yells] 224 00:10:17,269 --> 00:10:19,169 Okay, time for another song. 225 00:10:19,190 --> 00:10:20,220 (all) Aww. 226 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,100 [Will yells] 227 00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:24,220 [children yelling] 228 00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:25,259 [Dougie groans] 229 00:10:25,279 --> 00:10:27,110 [Will yells] 230 00:10:27,129 --> 00:10:28,220 [Will grunts] 231 00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:30,279 What're you doing to Dougie? 232 00:10:33,090 --> 00:10:38,009 Oh. W-we was just. we was playing, y'all. 233 00:10:38,029 --> 00:10:40,070 Hey, sorry. 234 00:10:40,090 --> 00:10:42,279 (Dougie) I need a drink. 235 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:44,159 You hurt Dougie. 236 00:10:44,179 --> 00:10:47,029 I hate you, Will. 237 00:10:47,049 --> 00:10:48,230 Nicky. 238 00:10:48,250 --> 00:10:50,029 [sobbing] You see? 239 00:10:53,129 --> 00:10:54,179 - Get him! - No. 240 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:56,169 [children yelling] 241 00:10:56,190 --> 00:10:59,080 [instrumental music] 242 00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:05,179 Mom, presenting the all new and improved Nicholas Banks. 243 00:11:09,100 --> 00:11:11,169 Look at you. 244 00:11:11,190 --> 00:11:13,139 Nicky and I are gonna be spending a lot more time 245 00:11:13,159 --> 00:11:15,039 together, especially since he's.. 246 00:11:16,269 --> 00:11:19,250 ...M-A-D at W-I-L-L. 247 00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:23,100 How do you like your new clothes, baby? 248 00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:27,190 Mommy, I...H-A-T-E them. 249 00:11:29,210 --> 00:11:31,220 From now on, it's you and me, Nicky. 250 00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:34,000 The fabulous Banks boys. 251 00:11:34,019 --> 00:11:35,289 Great. 252 00:11:36,009 --> 00:11:37,159 Hey, what's up, everybody? 253 00:11:41,009 --> 00:11:42,090 Nicky. 254 00:11:42,110 --> 00:11:45,279 He's still mad at you, and so am I. 255 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:47,259 Oh, please leave me alone, Carlton. 256 00:11:47,279 --> 00:11:51,110 I already had to go through this for 40 hours with Uncle Phil. 257 00:11:51,129 --> 00:11:53,129 I made a mistake. 258 00:11:53,149 --> 00:11:55,179 That's why I bought this train set. 259 00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:57,200 Well, it's a start. 260 00:11:57,220 --> 00:11:58,230 Thanks. 261 00:12:01,259 --> 00:12:04,090 Will, when I was a little girl, I got so mad at your mother 262 00:12:04,110 --> 00:12:07,009 I stopped speaking to her for weeks. 263 00:12:07,029 --> 00:12:08,250 [scoffs] Really? 264 00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:12,080 It's hard to imagine you being quiet for that long, Aunt Viv. 265 00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:14,110 [laughing] 266 00:12:15,230 --> 00:12:16,240 Go on. 267 00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:21,100 She gave away one of my favorite toys. 268 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:23,009 It was a Raggedy Ann doll. 269 00:12:23,289 --> 00:12:25,200 But I got over it. 270 00:12:25,220 --> 00:12:27,269 Whoa, whoa, wait a minute, my mom told me about that. 271 00:12:27,289 --> 00:12:29,129 Didn't you chop the head off her teddy bear 272 00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:30,210 and flush it down the toilet? 273 00:12:32,070 --> 00:12:33,169 That's how I got over it. 274 00:12:40,169 --> 00:12:41,190 Look at this. 275 00:12:44,179 --> 00:12:47,070 "Powerful earthquake rattles Northern Coast." 276 00:12:47,090 --> 00:12:48,289 Oh, boo-hoo. 277 00:12:50,049 --> 00:12:51,080 This. 278 00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:55,110 "Television personality Leeza Gibbons 279 00:12:55,129 --> 00:12:57,070 "was shocked to learn that the woman attempting 280 00:12:57,090 --> 00:12:59,029 "to vandalize her car was none other than 281 00:12:59,049 --> 00:13:01,279 rival talk-show host Hilary Banks." 282 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,070 [grunts] 283 00:13:03,090 --> 00:13:06,120 "Banks, seen here wielding a potato.." 284 00:13:06,139 --> 00:13:09,129 Wielding? I was not wielding, I was rubbing. 285 00:13:09,149 --> 00:13:11,230 I rubbed that damn potato all over Leeza's car 286 00:13:11,250 --> 00:13:13,200 and it didn't make a scratch. 287 00:13:13,220 --> 00:13:15,230 [Hilary panting] 288 00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:19,100 At least they didn't catch me putting my keys 289 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:20,169 in her exhaust pipe. 290 00:13:21,250 --> 00:13:24,210 Hilary, you were suppo.. 291 00:13:24,230 --> 00:13:26,039 Never mind. 292 00:13:26,059 --> 00:13:27,090 [sighs] 293 00:13:28,110 --> 00:13:30,090 [sighs] 294 00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:33,250 Hey, Nicky. 295 00:13:35,090 --> 00:13:36,279 What's all this? 296 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,269 His Dougie toys, he's giving them all away. 297 00:13:39,289 --> 00:13:43,159 I'm not worthy, thanks to you. 298 00:13:43,179 --> 00:13:45,279 Nicky, Nicky, come here, come here. Listen. 299 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,139 You don't understand, man. 300 00:13:47,159 --> 00:13:50,080 Listen, I-I wasn't rumbling with Dougie. 301 00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:53,080 I was rumbling with the guy inside Dougie. 302 00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:56,049 Oh, right, the guy inside Dougie. 303 00:13:57,259 --> 00:13:58,269 [sighs] 304 00:14:00,110 --> 00:14:03,049 Th-that damn whale got him brainwashed. 305 00:14:03,070 --> 00:14:05,080 Will, Nicky believes in Dougie the same way 306 00:14:05,100 --> 00:14:06,179 he believes in Santa Claus. 307 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:08,289 - So? - Well, Dougie's his hero. 308 00:14:09,009 --> 00:14:11,129 Didn't you have any heroes when you were a little kid? 309 00:14:11,149 --> 00:14:13,169 Yeah, Shaft. 310 00:14:15,039 --> 00:14:16,149 And how did you feel when you found out 311 00:14:16,169 --> 00:14:18,179 that Shaft wasn't real? 312 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:21,080 What're you talking about? 313 00:14:21,100 --> 00:14:23,159 No, I'm saying, he-he was based on an actual guy. 314 00:14:24,110 --> 00:14:25,120 No, he wasn't. 315 00:14:26,049 --> 00:14:28,039 He was too, Ashley. 316 00:14:28,059 --> 00:14:30,279 Shaft is fictional, Will. 317 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,059 I'm saying, he went to Africa and everything. 318 00:14:34,279 --> 00:14:37,110 Will, you can't tell Nicky that Dougie isn't real. 319 00:14:37,129 --> 00:14:39,039 Why don't you take him down to the mall 320 00:14:39,059 --> 00:14:41,289 and let him see you apologize to Dougie? 321 00:14:42,009 --> 00:14:44,200 I thought of that, just he ain't there no more. 322 00:14:44,220 --> 00:14:47,019 - Well, where is he? - In rehab. 323 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:52,169 Well, Will, you have to do something. 324 00:14:53,269 --> 00:14:55,179 [Ashley sighs] 325 00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:57,259 It's like he lost his best friend. 326 00:14:59,029 --> 00:15:01,070 Yep, I know the feeling. 327 00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:05,240 [music continues] 328 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:13,129 Geoffrey. 329 00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:15,139 Geoffrey! 330 00:15:16,019 --> 00:15:17,120 Geoffrey! 331 00:15:19,279 --> 00:15:21,250 Yes, Ms. Hilary? 332 00:15:21,269 --> 00:15:25,009 I have been calling you for 15 minutes. Didn't you hear me? 333 00:15:25,029 --> 00:15:29,080 Yes, but I so rarely have a woman scream my name.. 334 00:15:31,039 --> 00:15:32,279 I was rather enjoying it. 335 00:15:35,129 --> 00:15:37,120 I need to tape Leeza Gibbons' show. 336 00:15:37,139 --> 00:15:39,179 I'm gonna record every nasty thing she says about me 337 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:42,279 and then I'm gonna sue her for definition of character. 338 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:43,259 [sighs] 339 00:15:43,279 --> 00:15:45,049 Now, how do you turn this on? 340 00:15:46,090 --> 00:15:48,120 Why don't you just use the VCR? 341 00:15:49,169 --> 00:15:53,019 Geoffrey, if I knew how to use the VCR 342 00:15:53,039 --> 00:15:54,210 would I need this camera? 343 00:15:54,230 --> 00:15:56,269 No, I would not. 344 00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:59,100 Oh, it's already started. It's already started. Turn it on. 345 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:00,250 (Gibbons) 'So that's all coming up today.' 346 00:16:00,269 --> 00:16:03,159 But we'll get to that in a moment. 347 00:16:03,179 --> 00:16:07,120 First, I wanna talk about this so-called feud 348 00:16:07,139 --> 00:16:09,159 going on between Hilary Banks and me. 349 00:16:09,179 --> 00:16:11,220 Now, Hilary, you and I 350 00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:13,269 we're part of a very special sorority. 351 00:16:13,289 --> 00:16:16,129 A sort of sisterhood of talk-show hosts. 352 00:16:16,149 --> 00:16:19,179 I love your show and I wish you lots of success. 353 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:22,169 So, what do you say? Let's bury the hatchet. 354 00:16:22,190 --> 00:16:25,169 Ooh, that witch! 355 00:16:27,110 --> 00:16:29,070 So you see it too. 356 00:16:29,090 --> 00:16:30,259 All I see is a beautiful woman 357 00:16:30,279 --> 00:16:33,120 perched atop two of the most finely sculpted legs 358 00:16:33,139 --> 00:16:34,179 I've ever seen. 359 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,059 Oh, like those are real. 360 00:16:39,179 --> 00:16:42,190 [music continues] 361 00:16:44,049 --> 00:16:45,289 Whoa. 362 00:16:46,009 --> 00:16:49,059 Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, the pogmeister's in the house. 363 00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:51,090 - Who wants some? - Well, looks like I'm out. 364 00:16:51,110 --> 00:16:52,149 You know, here's Will. Maybe he can give you 365 00:16:52,169 --> 00:16:54,000 some competition, huh, Nicky? 366 00:16:54,019 --> 00:16:56,049 I'm not in the mood. 367 00:17:00,009 --> 00:17:01,190 Gets that from his mother. 368 00:17:02,279 --> 00:17:04,200 You know what that kid's problem is, Uncle Phil? 369 00:17:04,220 --> 00:17:06,140 His values is all messed up, man. 370 00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:09,059 Any other normal kid, you could just buy their love back. 371 00:17:11,069 --> 00:17:12,240 This has really upset you, hasn't it? 372 00:17:12,259 --> 00:17:14,079 [sighs] 373 00:17:14,099 --> 00:17:16,250 You was right, man, I'm a terrible role model. 374 00:17:16,269 --> 00:17:18,039 Oh! 375 00:17:18,059 --> 00:17:19,250 I ain't never having no kids. 376 00:17:19,269 --> 00:17:22,140 Well, now, Will, as much as the idea of your reproducing 377 00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:24,289 scares the hell out of me 378 00:17:25,009 --> 00:17:26,250 I think you'll make a great father. 379 00:17:26,269 --> 00:17:28,160 I mean, everybody makes mistakes with their kids. 380 00:17:28,180 --> 00:17:30,039 The important thing is to admit 381 00:17:30,059 --> 00:17:32,240 when you're wrong and to apologize. 382 00:17:32,259 --> 00:17:34,259 How come you don't ever do that? 383 00:17:34,279 --> 00:17:36,019 Don't question me. 384 00:17:46,130 --> 00:17:48,230 Hey, Nicky. 385 00:17:52,140 --> 00:17:53,180 Mind if I join you? 386 00:18:04,009 --> 00:18:07,170 Wow. I didn't know you could read the paper. 387 00:18:07,190 --> 00:18:09,190 I can't. 388 00:18:11,190 --> 00:18:13,049 Nicky, listen.. 389 00:18:13,069 --> 00:18:15,170 Now, there's something I need to tell you about Dougie. 390 00:18:15,190 --> 00:18:17,210 And not just him neither, it's-it's the Easter Bunny 391 00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:19,109 and the Tooth Fairy. All of 'em. 392 00:18:19,130 --> 00:18:21,049 What about them? 393 00:18:21,069 --> 00:18:23,029 Well, you're getting to be a big boy now. 394 00:18:23,049 --> 00:18:25,000 Sooner or later you're gonna find out that none of them.. 395 00:18:25,019 --> 00:18:26,039 [knocking] 396 00:18:28,259 --> 00:18:32,079 - None of them are what? - Uh.. 397 00:18:33,250 --> 00:18:35,140 Here, r-read the personals, Nicky. 398 00:18:38,119 --> 00:18:39,220 Yo, hottie. 399 00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:40,250 Yo. 400 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:01,079 What's up, baby? 401 00:19:01,099 --> 00:19:02,180 Freeze, munchkins! 402 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,039 [Santa laughs] 403 00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:07,029 They're not munchkins, son, they're elves. 404 00:19:10,059 --> 00:19:11,089 Oh, yeah? 405 00:19:12,099 --> 00:19:13,130 Who are you, Keebler? 406 00:19:13,150 --> 00:19:14,220 [Santa laughs] 407 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:17,230 Oh, boy, you're not even close. 408 00:19:17,250 --> 00:19:19,230 Alright, look here, dude. Check it out. Um.. 409 00:19:19,250 --> 00:19:21,130 I'm about to give a little ring-a-ding-ding 410 00:19:21,150 --> 00:19:22,259 to Bel-Air Security, right? 411 00:19:22,279 --> 00:19:26,180 So if you and any of your little friends took anything 412 00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:27,230 you better put it back. 413 00:19:27,250 --> 00:19:29,089 Now you hold on there, young man. 414 00:19:29,109 --> 00:19:31,160 Nobody talks to Santa Claus like that. 415 00:19:32,099 --> 00:19:33,220 Oh, I'm sorry. 416 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:36,000 Santa Claus. Right on, yeah. 417 00:19:36,019 --> 00:19:38,190 Everybody knows Santa Claus is a Clippers fan. 418 00:19:38,210 --> 00:19:40,079 I am not. 419 00:19:40,099 --> 00:19:42,269 I just can't move these things. 420 00:19:42,289 --> 00:19:44,170 Now, you listen to me, sonny. 421 00:19:44,190 --> 00:19:46,089 I don't usually make off-season visits 422 00:19:46,109 --> 00:19:48,029 but you were about to do something terrible 423 00:19:48,049 --> 00:19:49,099 to your cousin Nicky. 424 00:19:50,259 --> 00:19:54,089 You don't have any idea what I'm talking about, do you? 425 00:19:54,109 --> 00:19:55,279 - No. - No, of course you don't. 426 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,059 Maybe this year I'll put a brain in your stocking. 427 00:20:01,250 --> 00:20:06,089 Why do these make-believe guys keep pushing me? 428 00:20:06,109 --> 00:20:08,160 Come on over here. Sit down, right here. 429 00:20:10,069 --> 00:20:11,079 Unh-unh. 430 00:20:12,259 --> 00:20:13,279 [chuckles] 431 00:20:16,019 --> 00:20:17,210 Now, what are you talking about with Nicky? 432 00:20:19,119 --> 00:20:20,130 Will.. 433 00:20:23,039 --> 00:20:24,289 ...being a child today is tougher 434 00:20:25,009 --> 00:20:27,240 than any time that I can remember. 435 00:20:27,259 --> 00:20:29,119 But Nicky.. 436 00:20:29,140 --> 00:20:32,150 Nicky is blessed with a very precious gift. 437 00:20:32,170 --> 00:20:34,000 Innocence. 438 00:20:34,019 --> 00:20:36,079 And you were about to take that away from him. 439 00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:39,019 No, I-I didn't wanna do that. 440 00:20:39,039 --> 00:20:40,289 I'm.. I just don't want him to be mad at me forever. 441 00:20:41,009 --> 00:20:43,289 Aw, Will, nothing is forever with children. 442 00:20:44,009 --> 00:20:46,240 They grow up and they forget. 443 00:20:47,289 --> 00:20:49,059 Hey, remember something.. 444 00:20:50,259 --> 00:20:53,140 You used to believe in me once. 445 00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:55,230 Maybe you ought to try believing in me again. 446 00:20:56,140 --> 00:20:57,170 [chuckles] 447 00:20:59,019 --> 00:21:01,140 Oh, here, here. 448 00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:02,190 You be a good boy. 449 00:21:04,289 --> 00:21:07,000 And tell Carlton to stop faxing me. 450 00:21:07,019 --> 00:21:09,049 I cannot get him into Princeton. 451 00:21:13,190 --> 00:21:16,170 [bells jingling] 452 00:21:18,039 --> 00:21:20,079 (Nicky) 'Will! Will!' 453 00:21:20,099 --> 00:21:22,109 Nicky! 454 00:21:22,130 --> 00:21:23,170 Nicky. 455 00:21:23,190 --> 00:21:25,119 Hey. 456 00:21:25,140 --> 00:21:26,269 Santa was here. 457 00:21:26,289 --> 00:21:28,079 Did you see him? 458 00:21:28,099 --> 00:21:30,069 Uh, yeah, we was kicking it in the pool house. 459 00:21:30,089 --> 00:21:33,069 - You know Santa? - Know him? 460 00:21:33,089 --> 00:21:36,220 Who do you think gave him the idea for that mistletoe thing? 461 00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:38,109 - You? - Oh, yeah. 462 00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:40,250 See, we was chilling at the crib back in Philly one night, right. 463 00:21:40,269 --> 00:21:44,019 It was me, Santa, the Tooth Fairy and Shaft, right? 464 00:21:44,039 --> 00:21:45,180 Who's Shaft? 465 00:21:46,140 --> 00:21:48,059 Who's Shaft? 466 00:21:48,079 --> 00:21:53,130 Oh, Nicky, there's so much I got to teach you. 467 00:21:53,150 --> 00:21:55,269 See, Shaft was a complicated man. 468 00:21:57,039 --> 00:22:00,059 [instrumental music] 469 00:22:03,089 --> 00:22:05,059 [theme music] 470 00:22:05,250 --> 00:22:07,150 ♪ Yeah ♪ 471 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:12,140 ♪ Yeah ♪ 472 00:22:15,009 --> 00:22:17,000 ♪ Yeah ♪ 473 00:22:19,259 --> 00:22:21,119 ♪ Yeah ♪ 474 00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,210 ♪ Yeah ♪ 475 00:22:29,009 --> 00:22:31,009 ♪ Yeah ♪♪