1 00:00:02,100 --> 00:00:04,190 - Good morning, daddy. - Ah, morning, sweetheart. 2 00:00:04,209 --> 00:00:07,070 Look, I was thinking, you know, this week, maybe we could, uh 3 00:00:07,089 --> 00:00:10,189 get in a game of tennis at the club and maybe do lunch? 4 00:00:10,210 --> 00:00:12,189 - You and me? - Yeah. 5 00:00:12,210 --> 00:00:14,259 Oh, good one, daddy. 6 00:00:18,070 --> 00:00:20,030 Hi, kids. 7 00:00:20,050 --> 00:00:21,250 Uh-oh. Needy father alert. 8 00:00:21,269 --> 00:00:24,140 Hey-hey. Hold it. Hold it. Now, what is that supposed to mean? 9 00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:26,149 Come on, dad, every time mom goes away 10 00:00:26,170 --> 00:00:28,190 you start wanting to do things with us. 11 00:00:28,210 --> 00:00:30,129 It's not fair! 12 00:00:30,149 --> 00:00:32,020 So, what are you kids saying? 13 00:00:32,039 --> 00:00:35,049 What we're saying is, here's $10. 14 00:00:35,070 --> 00:00:36,200 Go to the movies. Run! 15 00:00:36,219 --> 00:00:40,049 Hey! Hey! Come on now! You Mr. Smarty.. 16 00:00:41,210 --> 00:00:43,049 Hi, Will, you want to go to a movie? 17 00:00:43,070 --> 00:00:45,170 Sure would, Uncle Phil. Thanks a lot. I appreciate that. 18 00:00:47,219 --> 00:00:49,100 [theme song] 19 00:00:49,119 --> 00:00:51,270 ♪ Now this is a story all about how ♪ 20 00:00:51,289 --> 00:00:54,100 ♪ My life got flipped turned upside down ♪ 21 00:00:54,119 --> 00:00:56,159 ♪ And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there ♪ 22 00:00:56,179 --> 00:00:57,289 ♪ I'll tell you how I became the prince ♪ 23 00:00:58,009 --> 00:00:59,149 ♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪ 24 00:00:59,170 --> 00:01:02,049 [music continues] 25 00:01:08,039 --> 00:01:11,000 ♪ In West Philadelphia born and raised ♪ 26 00:01:11,019 --> 00:01:13,219 ♪ On the playground was where I spent most of my days ♪ 27 00:01:13,239 --> 00:01:15,250 ♪ Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool ♪ 28 00:01:15,269 --> 00:01:18,049 ♪ And all shootin' some B-ball outside of the school ♪ 29 00:01:18,069 --> 00:01:20,269 ♪ When a couple of guys who were up to no good ♪ 30 00:01:20,289 --> 00:01:22,260 ♪ Started making trouble in my neighborhood ♪ 31 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:25,060 ♪ I got in one little fight and my mom got scared ♪ 32 00:01:25,079 --> 00:01:26,159 ♪ She said you're movin' with your auntie ♪ 33 00:01:26,180 --> 00:01:27,289 ♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪ 34 00:01:28,010 --> 00:01:29,260 ♪ I whistled for a cab and when it came near ♪ 35 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:32,159 ♪ The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror ♪ 36 00:01:32,180 --> 00:01:34,270 ♪ If anything I could say that this cab was rare ♪ 37 00:01:34,289 --> 00:01:36,049 ♪ But I thought nah forget it ♪ 38 00:01:36,069 --> 00:01:38,189 ♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪ 39 00:01:38,210 --> 00:01:42,009 ♪ I pulled up to a house about seven or eight ♪ 40 00:01:42,030 --> 00:01:43,079 ♪ And I yelled to the cabbie ♪ 41 00:01:43,099 --> 00:01:44,229 ♪ Yo homes smell ya later ♪ 42 00:01:44,250 --> 00:01:46,270 ♪ I looked at my kingdom I was finally there ♪ 43 00:01:46,289 --> 00:01:49,250 ♪ To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪ 44 00:01:59,289 --> 00:02:02,159 [dramatic music] 45 00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:18,030 Dad? 46 00:02:18,050 --> 00:02:20,120 Hello? 47 00:02:20,139 --> 00:02:22,129 I think we lost him. 48 00:02:22,150 --> 00:02:25,219 Dad's pretty quick for a big guy. 49 00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:28,219 I mean, he kept up with the car for a whole block. 50 00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:32,000 He couldn't help it. He got his coat stuck in the door. 51 00:02:34,289 --> 00:02:36,180 Wow, Will, clean clothes. 52 00:02:36,199 --> 00:02:40,020 What, is your probation officer stopping by? 53 00:02:40,039 --> 00:02:41,170 [screams] 54 00:02:43,259 --> 00:02:45,259 No, my buddy, Keith, is coming out from Philly. 55 00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:47,030 I'm going to show him around. 56 00:02:47,050 --> 00:02:50,030 Great, he can hang out with dad. 57 00:02:50,050 --> 00:02:51,090 Well, actually, you know, Keith is a comic. 58 00:02:51,110 --> 00:02:52,280 He going to be large, too. 59 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:55,090 He's coming out here, there's a big showcase at a standup club. 60 00:02:55,110 --> 00:02:59,090 Yeah, well, I think I speak for all of us when I say, "So what?" 61 00:03:02,050 --> 00:03:03,189 And I think I speak for myself 62 00:03:03,210 --> 00:03:06,210 when I say, "Uncle Phil, they in here!" 63 00:03:10,270 --> 00:03:12,250 Alright, who pushed me? 64 00:03:13,250 --> 00:03:15,210 - It was Ashley. - No, it wasn't. 65 00:03:15,229 --> 00:03:17,079 Well, now, you look. 66 00:03:17,099 --> 00:03:20,250 Now, all I want to do is spend some quality time with my family 67 00:03:20,270 --> 00:03:24,050 and running alongside a car is not what I had in mind. 68 00:03:25,079 --> 00:03:26,250 - Uncle Phil-- - What? 69 00:03:26,270 --> 00:03:28,060 Well, see, I was wondering 70 00:03:28,079 --> 00:03:30,129 since I'm not part of the immediate family 71 00:03:30,150 --> 00:03:31,229 I was wondering if I was immune-- 72 00:03:31,250 --> 00:03:33,060 Sit down, Will. 73 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,139 I'm gonna sit down right here 74 00:03:36,159 --> 00:03:40,159 in the non-immediate family section of the living room. 75 00:03:40,180 --> 00:03:42,210 And I'm gonna shut up on my way down. Watch. 76 00:03:45,170 --> 00:03:48,180 Now, you listen, and you listen good. 77 00:03:48,199 --> 00:03:49,259 We are a family. 78 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:52,240 I know this because I pay the bills. 79 00:03:52,259 --> 00:03:55,210 So, we are going to start spending time together. 80 00:03:55,229 --> 00:03:57,210 Lots of time. 81 00:03:57,229 --> 00:03:59,050 Lucky us. 82 00:03:59,069 --> 00:04:02,259 We are going to start acting more like a family. 83 00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:04,250 Do I make myself clear? 84 00:04:04,270 --> 00:04:06,229 Jawohl, Mein Fuhrer! 85 00:04:09,129 --> 00:04:12,060 From now on, we're going to start eating together 86 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:15,080 and, and laughing together, and, and.. 87 00:04:15,099 --> 00:04:16,259 And I'll think of a few more things 88 00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:19,240 as soon as I finish watching those "Cosby" reruns. 89 00:04:23,269 --> 00:04:25,079 Master William 90 00:04:25,100 --> 00:04:27,050 there's a young gentleman at the door 91 00:04:27,069 --> 00:04:30,060 who thought you might find this funny. 92 00:04:30,079 --> 00:04:31,279 [laughing] 93 00:04:33,180 --> 00:04:35,120 I love my work. 94 00:04:35,139 --> 00:04:38,040 Excuse me, I need to call my therapist. 95 00:04:40,079 --> 00:04:42,019 [laughing] 96 00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:44,220 [both cheering] 97 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:47,170 How are you doing, man? You ain't got to hit me like that. 98 00:04:47,189 --> 00:04:48,279 Will, Will, Will, aren't you going 99 00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:50,100 to introduce us to your company? 100 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:51,180 Oh, yeah, Uncle Phil. 101 00:04:51,199 --> 00:04:53,019 This is my buddy Keith from Philly 102 00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:54,159 and this is my Uncle Phil. 103 00:04:54,180 --> 00:04:56,170 How are you doing, Mr. Banks? Nice to meet you. 104 00:04:56,189 --> 00:04:57,220 This is my cousin Ashley 105 00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:58,279 that's Hilary and that's Carlton. 106 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:00,019 How you guys doing? 107 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:01,180 Hey, Mr. Banks, I want to tell you 108 00:05:01,199 --> 00:05:03,129 I appreciate you letting me stay here for the weekend. 109 00:05:03,149 --> 00:05:05,079 - That was really great of you. - Excuse me? 110 00:05:05,100 --> 00:05:08,019 Whoa, whoa, Uncle Phil. 111 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:10,230 I ain't had an opportunity to, uh, to enlighten you 112 00:05:10,250 --> 00:05:13,069 on what's going on here, but.. 113 00:05:13,089 --> 00:05:15,180 Look, Uncle Phil, please, if you let Keith stay here 114 00:05:15,199 --> 00:05:18,040 I-I promise I'll stop making them 976 calls 115 00:05:18,060 --> 00:05:19,199 on your car phone. 116 00:05:21,149 --> 00:05:23,180 Okay, um, if you let him stay 117 00:05:23,199 --> 00:05:25,209 I'll take you to Chuck E. Cheese and I'll tell the head rat 118 00:05:25,230 --> 00:05:27,110 it's your birthday. 119 00:05:31,079 --> 00:05:32,279 I'll go to an out-of-state college. 120 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,110 Keith, my boy, welcome. 121 00:05:37,110 --> 00:05:38,149 Here, check it out, man. 122 00:05:38,170 --> 00:05:40,139 I got the new hip joint for you to see. 123 00:05:40,159 --> 00:05:41,189 Damn, man, what is this? 124 00:05:41,209 --> 00:05:44,029 Uh, it's the interactive network TV. 125 00:05:44,050 --> 00:05:46,069 [chuckles] Sound like what black people buy 126 00:05:46,090 --> 00:05:49,050 when they got too much time on their hands. 127 00:05:49,069 --> 00:05:52,050 - Here, come on, push a player. - Alright. 128 00:05:55,159 --> 00:05:57,230 - Uh-oh. Look what's happening. - Come on, man. 129 00:05:57,250 --> 00:05:59,159 - Aikman hands off to Emmitt. - Man, come on. 130 00:05:59,180 --> 00:06:00,290 - Look! - You can do better than that. 131 00:06:01,009 --> 00:06:03,240 Touchdown! Ah! Who's the man? Who's the man? 132 00:06:03,259 --> 00:06:05,149 Man, come on, the game ain't even over yet. 133 00:06:05,170 --> 00:06:07,040 Oh, please, you never could take it 134 00:06:07,060 --> 00:06:08,250 when I bust your butt at something. 135 00:06:08,269 --> 00:06:10,230 'Cause you never beat me. 136 00:06:10,250 --> 00:06:13,180 Oh, you must be getting old, baby, your mind going. 137 00:06:15,019 --> 00:06:16,139 Let me refresh your memory. 138 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,100 From the time we was in kindergarten, every thing we did 139 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:20,129 I always beat you like you stole something. 140 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:23,259 Kind of like you just beat me now, huh? 141 00:06:23,279 --> 00:06:25,180 Oh, man, I don't care about this game. 142 00:06:25,199 --> 00:06:27,290 I'm going up to my room, get ready for my big act tomorrow. 143 00:06:28,009 --> 00:06:29,240 Oh. All you got to do is stand up there 144 00:06:29,259 --> 00:06:31,129 and tell a couple jokes. 145 00:06:31,149 --> 00:06:33,189 Telling jokes, see, that's what your drunk Uncle Lou 146 00:06:33,209 --> 00:06:35,050 do at weddings. 147 00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:37,189 Me, I'm a professional. 148 00:06:37,209 --> 00:06:40,009 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up, hold up. 149 00:06:40,029 --> 00:06:43,120 First of all, Uncle Lou is not a drunk, okay? 150 00:06:43,139 --> 00:06:45,129 He has an inner ear problem. 151 00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:51,149 That's why he always be sliding out of his chair. 152 00:06:51,170 --> 00:06:54,139 And, second of all, anybody can get up on a stage 153 00:06:54,159 --> 00:06:56,240 and tell a couple jokes. 154 00:06:56,259 --> 00:06:58,209 Why you go and say something silly like that? 155 00:06:58,230 --> 00:07:01,060 There's a craft to this, man. I take this real seriously. 156 00:07:01,079 --> 00:07:05,019 Oh, please. Look, I been funny all my life. 157 00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:07,120 All your life you just been funny-looking. 158 00:07:08,199 --> 00:07:10,100 I mean, look at them big old ears. 159 00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:12,160 Lean over that way and tell me what's going on in Somalia. 160 00:07:16,279 --> 00:07:19,019 Well, uh, if I couldn't find my way to Somalia 161 00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:21,089 I could follow that big map on your head. 162 00:07:24,069 --> 00:07:25,279 Look at them big teeth, all big and spaced out. 163 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:27,290 What you floss with, a jump rope? 164 00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:33,100 Wait a minute, was that a professional joke? 165 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,290 - You're damn right. - Yes, it was. 166 00:07:35,009 --> 00:07:38,019 I think you going to have to pay me to laugh at that one, bro. 167 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:39,120 You think you can do better than that? 168 00:07:39,139 --> 00:07:41,199 - Well, show me, do something. - Alright. 169 00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:45,199 Hey, G, G, check it out. Can we talk to you for a second? 170 00:07:45,220 --> 00:07:49,159 I'm off duty. You can talk, but I don't have to listen. 171 00:07:51,250 --> 00:07:54,159 Alright, check it out, check it out. Is this funny or not? 172 00:07:54,180 --> 00:07:56,139 Two gorillas go into a bar, right? 173 00:07:56,159 --> 00:07:57,240 Not. 174 00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:09,029 Alright. Hey, Will, thanks for the ride. 175 00:08:09,050 --> 00:08:10,139 You don't have to hang around, though. 176 00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:12,040 Oh, no, I'm cool, man. 177 00:08:15,129 --> 00:08:17,069 Mm. Mm-mm. 178 00:08:17,089 --> 00:08:20,089 Well, you go be funny, I'm gonna go nab me a honey. 179 00:08:26,149 --> 00:08:28,170 Keith, glad you could make the audition. 180 00:08:28,189 --> 00:08:30,019 Thank you, I appreciate that. 181 00:08:33,159 --> 00:08:35,220 Hey, girl, you look so good 182 00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:38,120 I'd marry your brother just to get in your family. 183 00:08:48,269 --> 00:08:50,049 Yo, man, you see that? 184 00:08:50,070 --> 00:08:52,279 That's called the l-want-Will walk. 185 00:08:55,019 --> 00:08:57,029 Yo, yo, Keith, come here, man. Come here. 186 00:08:57,049 --> 00:08:58,210 - Do the chivalry joint. - Man, come on. 187 00:08:58,230 --> 00:09:00,039 You know I'm trying to concentrate. 188 00:09:00,059 --> 00:09:01,200 D-d-do the chivalry joint, man. 189 00:09:01,220 --> 00:09:04,059 - Man, come on! - Ah-do-do. 190 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:05,179 Alright. 191 00:09:08,210 --> 00:09:10,279 Hey, girl! 192 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:12,210 Why don't you stand up and wrap your arms 193 00:09:12,230 --> 00:09:14,179 around a real man? 194 00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:19,059 Okay, well, check it out, check it out, check it out. 195 00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:21,049 I got four words for you. 196 00:09:21,070 --> 00:09:23,250 Ho-li-day Inn. 197 00:09:25,100 --> 00:09:27,039 Come on, girl, you know you want to. 198 00:09:27,059 --> 00:09:28,120 Excuse me, miss 199 00:09:28,139 --> 00:09:30,279 is this abrasive Negro bothering you? 200 00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:35,000 Yes, as a matter of fact, he is. 201 00:09:35,019 --> 00:09:36,129 Allow me. 202 00:09:37,269 --> 00:09:39,059 Now, you look here, buddy. 203 00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:42,009 You have no business bothering this sweet young lady. 204 00:09:42,029 --> 00:09:44,210 Now you apologize, and don't make me take off my belt! 205 00:09:44,230 --> 00:09:47,200 Okay, not.. Not the belt, man. I'll be cool. 206 00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:50,049 Alright, look, I'm sorry, okay? 207 00:09:50,070 --> 00:09:53,110 Now, you get out of her face, now! 208 00:10:01,289 --> 00:10:05,120 Look, um, miss, I'd just like to apologize 209 00:10:05,139 --> 00:10:07,159 on behalf of my gender 210 00:10:07,179 --> 00:10:09,159 for his rude behavior. 211 00:10:09,179 --> 00:10:11,019 That's okay. 212 00:10:11,039 --> 00:10:14,259 No, it's not. He-he had no reason to act like that. 213 00:10:14,279 --> 00:10:16,129 I'm sorry. 214 00:10:17,289 --> 00:10:19,179 It's okay. 215 00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:22,220 Look, um, could I call you sometime? 216 00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:24,019 Yeah. 217 00:10:24,289 --> 00:10:27,029 - Call me. - Thank you. 218 00:10:36,139 --> 00:10:37,279 You. 219 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:39,279 - Me? - You a comic? 220 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:41,169 I don't know you. 221 00:10:41,190 --> 00:10:46,080 Oh, yeah, I'm known all over this town. I'm Shecky. 222 00:10:46,100 --> 00:10:48,009 Shecky Shabazz. 223 00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:50,259 You're funny, Shecky. 224 00:10:50,279 --> 00:10:53,159 Oh, no, I'm sorry, I'm not here for the audition. 225 00:10:53,179 --> 00:10:56,129 You don't have to. What I saw was good enough. 226 00:10:56,149 --> 00:10:59,000 You're in the showcase. You're on at 8:15. 227 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:04,019 Yabba dabba do, I'm in the showcase, too! 228 00:11:04,039 --> 00:11:05,289 [laughs] 229 00:11:11,059 --> 00:11:14,240 - Here you go, big guy. - Thank you, son. 230 00:11:21,059 --> 00:11:22,139 [sighs] 231 00:11:22,159 --> 00:11:27,080 Hilary, sweetheart. How was work today, darling? 232 00:11:27,100 --> 00:11:30,159 It was great, dad. Thanks for asking. 233 00:11:33,009 --> 00:11:36,179 [sighs] It's wonderful spending time with one's family. 234 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:39,000 - Daddy. - 'Yes, dearest?' 235 00:11:39,019 --> 00:11:40,240 I'm feeling nauseous. 236 00:11:42,129 --> 00:11:47,149 I am, too. Let's take a break, kids. 237 00:11:47,169 --> 00:11:49,240 I think we can forget about those Chinese checkers 238 00:11:49,259 --> 00:11:50,259 after the sing-along. 239 00:11:50,279 --> 00:11:52,019 (Ashley) 'Great.' 240 00:11:52,039 --> 00:11:54,179 But the sing-along's still on, right? 241 00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:57,279 Ow! You're hurting my arms! 242 00:11:59,220 --> 00:12:02,200 - 'Keith.' - Oh, hi, Mr. Banks. 243 00:12:02,220 --> 00:12:05,259 - Are you alright, son? - Oh, yeah, I-I'm fine. 244 00:12:05,279 --> 00:12:08,269 Look, I, uh, I just want to say that it's a pleasure 245 00:12:08,289 --> 00:12:10,179 to finally meet one of Will's friends 246 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,129 who has his head on straight. 247 00:12:12,149 --> 00:12:15,049 You have been a very positive influence on him, son. 248 00:12:15,070 --> 00:12:16,159 Thank you, sir. 249 00:12:16,179 --> 00:12:19,110 You know, I used to think so, too. 250 00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:25,210 Hey, Uncle Phil 251 00:12:25,230 --> 00:12:27,019 you know how you've been staying on me 252 00:12:27,039 --> 00:12:28,110 to make some decisions in my life? 253 00:12:28,129 --> 00:12:29,259 Yeah. 254 00:12:29,279 --> 00:12:31,259 Well, hanging with Keith, I've decided what I want to do. 255 00:12:31,279 --> 00:12:33,110 Oh. Oh, great. What is it? 256 00:12:33,129 --> 00:12:35,230 Well, I want to do something that makes a difference 257 00:12:35,250 --> 00:12:37,049 and makes people feel good. 258 00:12:37,070 --> 00:12:39,110 That's wonderful. 259 00:12:39,129 --> 00:12:41,110 I want to be a comedian! 260 00:12:47,039 --> 00:12:48,289 Uncle Phil, I don't think "comedian" is a bad word. 261 00:12:49,009 --> 00:12:50,220 It is in this house. 262 00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,019 I just spent thousands of dollars 263 00:12:52,039 --> 00:12:53,220 sending you to a topnotch prep school. 264 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:56,080 Maybe I should have just sent you to Camp Funnypants. 265 00:12:58,049 --> 00:13:01,009 Look, I bet Sinbad's parents supported him 266 00:13:01,029 --> 00:13:03,070 when he wanted to be a comedian. 267 00:13:03,090 --> 00:13:05,179 They named him Sinbad! 268 00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:11,200 He had two options, pirate or comic! 269 00:13:11,220 --> 00:13:13,220 Look, Uncle Phil, I know it's a shock 270 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:15,049 but think of all the money you'll save 271 00:13:15,070 --> 00:13:16,230 by not sending me to college. 272 00:13:18,129 --> 00:13:20,210 There is no future in it, Will. 273 00:13:20,230 --> 00:13:22,129 Come on, Uncle Phil, can I help it 274 00:13:22,149 --> 00:13:24,240 that I'm this incredibly handsome 275 00:13:24,259 --> 00:13:29,080 incredibly talented guy with star quality? 276 00:13:29,100 --> 00:13:33,059 Uncle Phil, this thing is bigger than both of us. 277 00:13:35,110 --> 00:13:36,250 Sort of. 278 00:13:42,149 --> 00:13:44,240 I just want you to go to college, that's all. 279 00:13:44,259 --> 00:13:47,029 Uncle Phil, and I will if this doesn't work. 280 00:13:47,049 --> 00:13:50,080 But come on, you got to let me take my shots in life. 281 00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:52,269 You really want this badly, huh, son? 282 00:13:52,289 --> 00:13:54,139 Yes, I do. 283 00:13:54,159 --> 00:13:57,240 And you actually think you can make a success of it? 284 00:13:57,259 --> 00:13:59,240 Yes, sir, I do. 285 00:13:59,259 --> 00:14:03,039 Well...son, I.. 286 00:14:03,059 --> 00:14:05,289 ...guess there's only one thing for me to do. 287 00:14:06,009 --> 00:14:08,039 I'm going to nail your behind to the floor. 288 00:14:08,059 --> 00:14:10,139 And if I catch you anywhere near a comedy club 289 00:14:10,159 --> 00:14:12,149 I'm going to break every funny bone in your body! 290 00:14:12,169 --> 00:14:14,110 Do I make myself perfectly clear? 291 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:18,059 Perfectly. 292 00:14:20,210 --> 00:14:23,090 Yo, Keith, man, what's up? 293 00:14:23,110 --> 00:14:25,240 What's up? That's what I've been trying to figure out. 294 00:14:25,259 --> 00:14:28,039 I thought you was my boy. 295 00:14:28,059 --> 00:14:29,100 I am. What are you talking about? 296 00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:30,200 No, you're not. 297 00:14:30,220 --> 00:14:32,200 Not after what you pulled today at the audition. 298 00:14:32,220 --> 00:14:35,120 What, are you mad at me that I got in the showcase? 299 00:14:35,139 --> 00:14:37,190 Wha.. I mean, I just walked in and the lady gave it to me. 300 00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:39,000 I wasn't going for it. 301 00:14:39,019 --> 00:14:41,110 Yeah, but I was. 302 00:14:41,129 --> 00:14:43,149 And, you got it. So what's your beef? 303 00:14:43,169 --> 00:14:44,179 You don't get this, huh? 304 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,149 I worked my butt off to get here, man. 305 00:14:46,169 --> 00:14:48,110 You know how many clubs I got booed out of? 306 00:14:48,129 --> 00:14:50,080 How many dives I had to play till I got a routine 307 00:14:50,100 --> 00:14:51,240 that finally worked for me? 308 00:14:51,259 --> 00:14:53,049 This ain't nothing but a joke to you. 309 00:14:53,070 --> 00:14:55,240 To me, this is serious. 310 00:14:55,259 --> 00:14:57,230 So, what, you asking me to back out? 311 00:14:57,250 --> 00:15:01,120 No, I'm asking you to just show me some respect. 312 00:15:01,139 --> 00:15:02,250 Respect? 313 00:15:02,269 --> 00:15:05,070 I walk through the door and before my butt hit the chair 314 00:15:05,090 --> 00:15:06,110 the lady was giving me a job. 315 00:15:06,129 --> 00:15:08,080 You could learn something from me. 316 00:15:10,039 --> 00:15:11,200 Oh, really? 317 00:15:11,220 --> 00:15:15,009 Well, I'll be off-stage taking notes tomorrow night, okay? 318 00:15:15,029 --> 00:15:17,259 Yeah, you better bring a big pad. 319 00:15:23,019 --> 00:15:24,210 We'll be right back in five minutes 320 00:15:24,230 --> 00:15:27,019 with another hot comic. 321 00:15:27,039 --> 00:15:29,070 [applause] 322 00:15:29,090 --> 00:15:31,169 Oh, well, I guess I'm up next, guys. 323 00:15:31,190 --> 00:15:33,149 Oh, Will, I took the liberty 324 00:15:33,169 --> 00:15:35,159 of writing out a few humorous barbs 325 00:15:35,179 --> 00:15:37,120 that you might find useful. 326 00:15:37,139 --> 00:15:38,259 Listen and laugh. 327 00:15:38,279 --> 00:15:40,100 Did you hear what the snail said 328 00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:42,070 when he rode on the back of the turtle? 329 00:15:43,149 --> 00:15:44,210 No, Carlton, what? 330 00:15:44,230 --> 00:15:46,190 Whee! 331 00:15:48,090 --> 00:15:50,169 Now, you should use that one for your big finish. 332 00:15:50,190 --> 00:15:52,240 No, maybe you should try this one. 333 00:15:52,259 --> 00:15:55,009 Why did the turkey cross the road? 334 00:15:55,029 --> 00:15:57,149 I know I'm going to regret this, but why? 335 00:15:57,169 --> 00:15:59,129 Chicken's day off. 336 00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:03,169 Eat your heart out, Rodney Dangerfield. 337 00:16:04,230 --> 00:16:06,139 Hey, I'm giving you gold here. 338 00:16:07,279 --> 00:16:10,110 See, Carlton, this is why people trip you in the halls. 339 00:16:11,259 --> 00:16:15,129 Don't be proud, Will. Take it. You'll thank me later. 340 00:16:15,149 --> 00:16:17,080 Carlton, I'm going to be hilarious. 341 00:16:17,100 --> 00:16:19,129 And when I get done with Keith, the only job opportunity 342 00:16:19,149 --> 00:16:22,159 he's going to have is putting lids on Slurpees. 343 00:16:23,289 --> 00:16:25,129 Ladies and gentlemen 344 00:16:25,149 --> 00:16:27,210 please put your hands together for our next comedian 345 00:16:27,230 --> 00:16:29,029 from Philadelphia, PA 346 00:16:29,049 --> 00:16:30,289 give it up for Will Smith. 347 00:16:31,009 --> 00:16:33,179 [cheering] 348 00:16:37,139 --> 00:16:39,000 What's up? 349 00:16:40,039 --> 00:16:41,159 What's up? 350 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:44,220 Hey, how y'all doing out there? 351 00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:47,080 Hey, I'm, I'm a little tired, though, you know. 352 00:16:47,100 --> 00:16:49,090 I-I had a rough date last night. 353 00:16:49,110 --> 00:16:52,230 I went out with this girl who ain't have no arms. 354 00:16:52,250 --> 00:16:55,129 I took her to "The Arsenio Hall Show," and she was like 355 00:16:55,149 --> 00:16:58,070 "Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo." 356 00:17:01,169 --> 00:17:04,140 Well, that's cool. Check it out, check it out, check it out. 357 00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:06,220 I should be mad at my Cousin Carlton, though 358 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:08,079 'cause he set me up with her. 359 00:17:08,099 --> 00:17:10,059 But, uh, he ain't no prize hisself. 360 00:17:10,079 --> 00:17:15,049 He kind of look like a miniature Bryant Gumbel on a bad hair day. 361 00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:20,009 'That's cool, check it out. Um..' 362 00:17:20,029 --> 00:17:22,240 But actually, my-my Cousin Carlton 363 00:17:22,259 --> 00:17:24,289 he don't have no problem buying clothes 364 00:17:25,009 --> 00:17:26,140 'cause he-he's so short 365 00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:28,180 he just rips them off his G.I. Joe doll 366 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:30,240 and wears 'em right out of the box. 367 00:17:30,259 --> 00:17:32,250 [laughing] 368 00:17:38,259 --> 00:17:41,279 Will's really bombing up there. We should do something. 369 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:44,000 Good idea. 370 00:17:44,019 --> 00:17:46,079 Boo! Get off the stage! 371 00:17:46,099 --> 00:17:49,210 We want our money back! Go back where you came from! 372 00:17:49,230 --> 00:17:51,210 [audience booing] 373 00:17:51,230 --> 00:17:53,160 What's up? What's up? Whoa! 374 00:17:53,180 --> 00:17:56,009 Hey, guys, what's up? 375 00:17:56,029 --> 00:17:58,109 Give me that before you hurt yourself. 376 00:17:58,130 --> 00:18:00,259 Give Will Smith a big round of applause, ladies and gentlemen. 377 00:18:00,279 --> 00:18:02,069 Come on, y'all can do better than that. 378 00:18:02,089 --> 00:18:03,269 'Give him a big round of applause.' 379 00:18:05,019 --> 00:18:07,150 He'll be back, just not in here. 380 00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:09,160 [audience laughing] 381 00:18:09,180 --> 00:18:12,049 I hope you're funnier than the last guy. 382 00:18:12,069 --> 00:18:14,150 I know I ain't getting heckled by no Jheri curl. 383 00:18:14,170 --> 00:18:17,109 [laughing] 384 00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:18,230 And you got the nerve to be smoking, too? 385 00:18:18,250 --> 00:18:21,240 What you trying to do, kill us all? 386 00:18:21,259 --> 00:18:23,109 You know, I ain't going to bother no Jheri curl 387 00:18:23,130 --> 00:18:25,009 'cause I know that plastic bag 388 00:18:25,029 --> 00:18:27,259 makes so much noise at night, you're always irritable, huh? 389 00:18:27,279 --> 00:18:30,250 Crumple, crumple. "I cannot sleep!" 390 00:18:30,269 --> 00:18:32,119 Maybe I better speak to you in your language. 391 00:18:32,140 --> 00:18:34,109 Drip, drip, drip, drip. Drip, drip, drip.. 392 00:18:34,130 --> 00:18:36,019 [laughing] 393 00:18:36,039 --> 00:18:37,150 I'm new in L.A. 394 00:18:37,170 --> 00:18:39,130 I know there's things you can't do. You can't wear colors. 395 00:18:39,150 --> 00:18:40,279 Can't wear red. One gang will beat you up. 396 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,170 Can't wear blue. Other gang will beat you up. 397 00:18:42,190 --> 00:18:44,170 Last night, I thought I was slick and put on plaid. 398 00:18:44,190 --> 00:18:47,119 Two golfers beat the hell out of me, y'all. 399 00:18:47,140 --> 00:18:49,220 And everybody in L.A. got a car phone. 400 00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:51,250 Don't matter how messed up the car. 401 00:18:51,269 --> 00:18:54,059 Sometime the phone is the best thing on the car. 402 00:18:54,079 --> 00:18:55,230 You could tell the car raggedy. 403 00:18:55,250 --> 00:18:57,289 Every time the phone ring, the car just cut off. 404 00:18:58,009 --> 00:19:00,069 "Girl, I'm glad you called. I need a jump. 405 00:19:00,089 --> 00:19:02,279 "Stop calling me or I'll never get home." 406 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:04,140 But I do this 'cause I want to be rich. 407 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:05,269 I don't want to be rich for the petty reasons 408 00:19:05,289 --> 00:19:07,059 that many of you do. 409 00:19:07,079 --> 00:19:08,279 I want to be rich so I can sleep late. 410 00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,180 'Cause when you're broke, you know you got to get up at 6:00 411 00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:12,089 in the morning. 412 00:19:12,109 --> 00:19:13,289 Sometimes you accidentally wake up at 3:00. 413 00:19:14,009 --> 00:19:17,039 "Oh, oh, oh! Am I late?" 414 00:19:17,059 --> 00:19:19,119 And black people set their alarm clock 30 minutes early 415 00:19:19,140 --> 00:19:22,029 so they can hit that snooze button three times. 416 00:19:22,049 --> 00:19:25,079 Bump. "That was a drill. 417 00:19:25,099 --> 00:19:27,089 "I'm going to get it right next time." 418 00:19:27,109 --> 00:19:29,099 [laughing] 419 00:19:29,119 --> 00:19:30,279 And now they're saying there's a recession. 420 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:32,160 See, black folks, we didn't know there was a recession 421 00:19:32,180 --> 00:19:35,049 'cause we been broke since the day before forever. 422 00:19:35,069 --> 00:19:37,039 You know, black folks found a way to get around being broke 423 00:19:37,059 --> 00:19:39,180 'cause we'll put some stuff on layaway, won't we? 424 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:41,140 And leave it for a long time. 425 00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:45,039 I know brothers still got bell-bottoms on layaway. 426 00:19:45,059 --> 00:19:46,180 You ever left stuff on layaway so long 427 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:48,289 you don't even recognize it when you get back? 428 00:19:49,009 --> 00:19:52,000 "Damn, when did I get an eight-track tape player? 429 00:19:52,019 --> 00:19:53,250 "It's paid for now." 430 00:19:53,269 --> 00:19:55,089 We do, man. And white folks, you see them 431 00:19:55,109 --> 00:19:56,289 in the unemployment office all the time. 432 00:19:57,009 --> 00:19:59,170 "$210 a week? How the hell am I going to live on $210 a week?" 433 00:19:59,190 --> 00:20:03,000 A brother be right behind him. "$210 a week? For nothing? 434 00:20:03,019 --> 00:20:05,019 "Baby, get the kids. We done come up." 435 00:20:06,119 --> 00:20:07,230 It's basic differences. They just are. 436 00:20:07,250 --> 00:20:09,059 Like black parents are different than white parents. 437 00:20:09,079 --> 00:20:10,150 No better, no worse, just different. 438 00:20:10,170 --> 00:20:12,000 Saw a movie called "Poltergeist." 439 00:20:12,019 --> 00:20:13,190 In the movie, a little white child trapped in a TV set. 440 00:20:13,210 --> 00:20:16,259 Start crying, "Oh, my God! Carol Anne's in the TV. 441 00:20:16,279 --> 00:20:18,289 "What are we going to do?" 442 00:20:19,009 --> 00:20:20,049 You know, had that been a black mother 443 00:20:20,069 --> 00:20:21,150 she'd have been proud. 444 00:20:21,170 --> 00:20:22,200 Pick up the phone, call her best friend 445 00:20:22,220 --> 00:20:24,289 "Girl, turn to Channel 2. 446 00:20:25,009 --> 00:20:27,170 [applause] 447 00:20:30,069 --> 00:20:32,079 "My baby's on TV!" 448 00:20:33,259 --> 00:20:35,069 'But white people, I love you guys.' 449 00:20:35,089 --> 00:20:37,009 Y'all get to do stuff we don't get to do. 450 00:20:37,029 --> 00:20:38,269 White people get to die and come back. 451 00:20:38,289 --> 00:20:41,160 Elvis been dead 15 years. People still seeing this brother. 452 00:20:41,180 --> 00:20:43,180 When a black man is gone, he's just gone. 453 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:44,240 You don't see brothers talking about 454 00:20:44,259 --> 00:20:47,240 "Man, I just saw Marvin Gaye! 455 00:20:47,259 --> 00:20:49,089 "He was at the mall!" 456 00:20:49,109 --> 00:20:52,150 "How do you know?" "I heard it through the grapevine." 457 00:20:52,170 --> 00:20:54,150 You guys have been great. Thank you very much. 458 00:20:54,170 --> 00:20:57,039 [applause] 459 00:20:58,220 --> 00:21:01,170 Give it up for Keith Campbell. 460 00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:17,019 [sighs] 461 00:21:17,039 --> 00:21:19,019 - Hey. Good morning, Uncle Phil. - Morning, Will. 462 00:21:19,039 --> 00:21:21,150 I hear your friend Keith really blew them away last night 463 00:21:21,170 --> 00:21:22,279 at the standup club. 464 00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:26,009 Oh, man, you should have seen how he handled them hecklers. 465 00:21:26,029 --> 00:21:30,029 Oh, I mean, I mean, um, how I heard somewhere 466 00:21:30,049 --> 00:21:32,009 that he handled the-the hecklers. 467 00:21:32,029 --> 00:21:33,279 [chuckling] Don't worry, Will. 468 00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:35,269 I know you were there and I'm not going to kill you. 469 00:21:35,289 --> 00:21:38,190 Because I heard you already died a pretty horrible death. 470 00:21:41,069 --> 00:21:43,119 Yo, it was nasty, Uncle Phil. 471 00:21:43,140 --> 00:21:46,130 [chuckles] I guess I ain't as funny as I thought. 472 00:21:46,150 --> 00:21:47,190 I could have told you that. 473 00:21:47,210 --> 00:21:49,210 Ain't nothing you do funny to me. 474 00:21:50,259 --> 00:21:52,130 Oh, that's pretty cold, Uncle Phil. 475 00:21:52,150 --> 00:21:53,220 Yeah, well, so is the world 476 00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:56,079 if you don't have an education and a good job. 477 00:21:56,099 --> 00:21:59,190 Alright, I mean, I learned my lesson, Uncle Phil, but come on. 478 00:21:59,210 --> 00:22:01,230 L-look, I'm funny. Alright, here. 479 00:22:01,250 --> 00:22:03,160 Check it out, check it out, check it out. 480 00:22:03,180 --> 00:22:05,220 Knock, knock. 481 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:08,069 - Who's there? - Amy Fisher. 482 00:22:08,089 --> 00:22:09,289 - Amy-- - Bang! 483 00:22:17,059 --> 00:22:18,150 Yo, yo, yo. 484 00:22:18,170 --> 00:22:20,009 Hey, I'm on my way to the airport 485 00:22:20,029 --> 00:22:22,039 but thank you guys for all your hospitality. 486 00:22:22,059 --> 00:22:23,210 I appreciate that. 487 00:22:23,230 --> 00:22:26,079 Everybody, except for you, Geoffrey. 488 00:22:26,099 --> 00:22:28,069 You don't think I'm funny, do you? 489 00:22:28,089 --> 00:22:29,150 For a tip I might. 490 00:22:29,170 --> 00:22:32,180 Okay, well, I got a tip for you. Tails is out. 491 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:34,279 [laughs] 492 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:38,019 So are you. There's the door. 493 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:42,089 [cackling] 494 00:22:42,109 --> 00:22:43,269 Now, that's funny! 495 00:22:50,029 --> 00:22:51,150 And everybody in L.A. is a vegetarian. What is this? 496 00:22:51,170 --> 00:22:53,000 "I don't eat red meat. I don't eat pork." 497 00:22:53,019 --> 00:22:54,109 You know, it's cool to have a baked potato 498 00:22:54,130 --> 00:22:56,109 or a salad every once in a while 499 00:22:56,130 --> 00:22:57,230 but at a certain level of hungry 500 00:22:57,250 --> 00:22:59,079 'I need something dead on my plate' 501 00:22:59,099 --> 00:23:01,049 something that used to have horns and hoofs. 502 00:23:01,069 --> 00:23:02,289 And they put parsley on black people's plates. Oh. 503 00:23:03,009 --> 00:23:04,059 I asked the waiter, said, "Man 504 00:23:04,079 --> 00:23:05,240 "why you putting parsley on my plate?" Oh. 505 00:23:05,259 --> 00:23:07,079 He said, "It's a decoration, it make your plate look pretty." 506 00:23:07,099 --> 00:23:09,140 I'm like, "Yo, man, wouldn't an extra shrimp 507 00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:11,079 "make my plate look even better?"