[instrumental music]
You know, I used to think the only reason to kill a man
was self-defense, but I just spent 45 minutes
in the Volvo with another reason.
[sighs] What's wrong with him?
This idiot is taking a mime class.
Carlton, get away..
I swear to God, Carlton, get away from me with it.
Stop. Stop playing, Car..
Carlton, stop, or I'll hang you with that rope!
Alright, that's it! That's it!
I was going to throw him out on the freeway
but you know the old saying..
"A mime is a terrible thing to waste."
[theme song]
♪ Now this is a story all about how my life ♪
♪ Got flipped turned upside down and I'd like to ♪
♪ Take a minute just sit right there I'll tell you ♪
♪ How I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air ♪
♪ In West Philadelphia born and raised ♪
♪ On the playground is where I spent most of my days ♪
♪ Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool ♪
♪ And all shootin' some b-ball outside of the school ♪
♪ When a couple of guys who were up to no good ♪
♪ Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood ♪
♪ I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said ♪
♪ You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air ♪
♪ I whistled for a cab and when it came near ♪
♪ The license plate said Fresh and it had dice in the mirror ♪
♪ If anything I could say that this cab was rare ♪
♪ But I thought nah forget it yo holmes to Bel-Air ♪
♪ I pulled up to a house about seven or eight ♪
♪ And I yelled to the cabbie yo holmes smell ya later ♪
♪ Looked at my kingdom I was finally there ♪
♪ To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel-Air ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Now we are entering the kitchen.
This is where we eat..
...some of us more than others.
And this is your mom here.
She look like she eating for a couple
brothers herself.
Will, what are you doing with that microphone?
Um, making a tape for the, uh, coming attraction.
You know, I was going to knit some booties or somethin'
but, you know, I had to get yarn and, and needles and..
Oh, I'd have had to learn how to knit.
See, now, Uncle Phil, the concept is to aesthetically
capture for posterity, the sounds
that are familiar to this house.
Will, I'm eating.
You'll hear a lot of that.
You're grounded.
Okay, that about sums up Uncle Phil.
Yo, G, what sound do you think
accurately depicts your position in the family?
[machine whirrs]
[stops]
You're sick, man. See a therapist, okay?
Hey, Ashley, say something to the baby.
[blubbering lips]
- Care to elaborate? - A lot.
Uh, don't feel bad, she just mad
'cause she found out she ain't adopted.
So mom's having a baby. Big deal.
I bet you didn't go through all this for me.
You probably smoked cigarettes and rode horseback
until the day I was born.
Ashley, honey, come one, we prepared for you
and took the same precautions as we did
for Hilary and Carlton.
Ah...bungee jumping.
Philip, the baby's moving. Feel my stomach.
Hey, I move all the time. Let's have a party.
All you guys do is talk about the baby.
The baby's clothes, the baby's room, the baby, baby, baby.
You'll forget about me after you have it, mommy.
I can see it coming.
(Carlton) 'How's my little baby sister?'
Good morning, Geoffrey.
Good morning, everybody.
[baby babbling]
Geoffrey, my place isn't set
and where's my food?
Oh, hey, let me feed my favorite little cousin.
- Oh, no, come on.. - Oh, I thought it was my turn.
Ah, ah, my turn.
I thought I was your favorite cousin.
What do I have to do, spit up on your shirt?
Shh. Shh. Y'all hear somethin'?
Yeah, how about me screaming at the top of my lungs?
Aah!
Mm. Guess not. I be tripping, boy.
Tripping.
Daddy.
There's my favorite little girl.
Daddy, don't you remember me?
- 'Ooh..' - It's me Ashley.
Coochie-coochie-coo.
Oh, she's so precious.
You know, she reminds me of someone.
That little girl that used to hang out around here?
Pretty little thing. Black hair.
- Amanda. - Ashley.
Or was it Anna?
No, Ashley.
I'm pretty sure it was Apollonia.
No, it was Ashley!
Well, hold up. Was it, um, Ashley?
Yes! Yeah.
- Nah. - No.
That's a stupid name anyway..
Ashley, honey, your father and I have always been here
and we will always make time for you.
Hilary, why not? I mean, it will help your ratings.
I don't want to hear about it anymore. Okay?
Now, here come your two elder siblings, Dopey and Greedy.
No, Carlton, I will not plug your stupid school play
on my weather spot today, tomorrow, or ever.
Oh, for your information
"Brigadoon"is a classic musical comedy.
No, man, for my money
classic musical comedy? Milli Vanilli.
Think about it.
Hilary's special because she's the oldest.
Carlton's the only boy.
I was the baby, but who am I now?
The whiner.
Look, lighten up, Ashley.
I mean, we all have our burdens to bear.
When the new Banks arrives
dad's going to have to update his will.
Which means there'll be another
slice of the pie I won't be getting.
I mean, what about my needs? What about me? What about--
Shut up, Carlton.
Good call.
[instrumental music]
I can't wait till the new baby is born.
Then I can do all those special things that big sisters do.
Like when you took up to the attic window
and told me I could fly?
Or when you told me it was okay to roller-skate
down the steps?
Judging by your lovely brothers and sisters, you're gonna need
an insurance policy before you're potty trained.
Look, I'll have you guys know that
I had a hand in raising you.
I'll be a positive influence on the new baby.
You just wait and see.
Hilary, baby, you're 30 years old.
Don't you think it's about time you moved out on your own?
[sighs] That is so unfair.
Mom's 50 years old, and you haven't pushed her out the door.
Why do I even bother?
Cindy!
Aren't you forgetting something, baby sister?
You're prettier than I'll ever be?
[chuckles] Something else.
Ah! Good.
Now, I'm feeling a little warm.
[sighing] So, tell me about your day at school
and move a little to the left.
Well, Miss Randolph gave a pop quiz, and I--
- Do you like my outfit? - It's real pretty.
Hilary, my arm is starting to hurt.
Oh, you poor baby.
Use the other arm.
Maybe you should start lifting weights.
Anyway, go on with your story.
Well, Myra Walker brought a hamster
to class for show and tell--
Should I color my hair?
No. It's beautiful.
[chuckles] It is, isn't it?
Oh! Guess what?
I have a little surprise for you.
- Ta-da! - Oh, goody!
- A shoeshine kit! - Oh..
I know I spoil you, but I just couldn't resist.
Do you like my shoes?
They're great.
Well, you know
they'd be even better if they were shiny.
Can't I put the fan down first?
Mm. This time. It is your birthday.
But don't make a habit of it.
A spit polish.
I meant on the shoes.
Maybe I'd just be better off being invisible.
Oh, I'm sorry, what'd you say, Ash?
Oh, h-hold there, home fry.
Say a little something to spud.
Hey, little bro, piece of advice
don't lend Will a penny, even if he begs
and he will.
That's your brother Carlton. You'll recognize him.
He's the one at eye level.
[telephone rings]
Hello. Oh, hello, Dr. Graham.
Yes, this is Philip Banks.
Oh, fine, fine. Thank you, and how are you?
Uh, unusual?
I see. Uh, I-I see.
Are you sure?
Okay, I'll-I'll, I'll tell her right away.
Thank you. Thank you, doctor.
Vivian, y-you better sit down.
I am sitting down.
Philip, is there something wrong with the baby?
No. T-that was the doctor.
He just said that he thinks that we're having twins.
- Twins! - Oh, my God!
Oh, two buns! Two buns!
[thudding]
[instrumental music]
- Come on, daddy. - Daddy?
- Philip, honey. - Oh, dad..
I got it, y'all. Look out, look out.
[sniffing]
- What happened? - Oh..
Come on, get him up. Get him up.
I remember something about, about twins.
Then I had this incredible urge for a sausage.
Philip, the doctor called, but there must be some mistake.
I couldn't possibly be having twins.
Well, we'll have to split the inheritance four ways
thanks to forget-the-pill, Phil.
Is that all you think about?
Pretty much.
[scoffs] I don't know about y'all.
I'm excited we having twins.
I mean, now you can finally have the son you always wanted.
Well, they already have me.
Now you can finally have the son you always wanted.
[telephone ringing]
Hello.
Oh, yes, doctor.
Well, you know, I figured there must be some mistake.
I knew I couldn't possibly be having twins.
[chuckles] Triplets?
That's right, Mrs. Banks.
You'll be having three little ones
so I suggest a lot more help
preferably a young nanny, amply endowed
with no inhibitions.
Ahem.
Oh, hello. Ahem..
Might I get you anything?
An explanation.
Mid-life crisis?
Geoffrey, why did you do it?
I'm terribly sorry, madam.
It was just the thought of one more person
to clean up after was more than I could bear.
Geoffrey, this baby is all of our responsibility.
And I promise you, we will not leave you with all the work.
[baby crying]
[indistinct chatter]
[baby crying]
Geoffrey, I told you I wanted tomatoes in my omelet.
Geoffrey, I need some sliced cucumbers for my eyelids.
[sighs]
[telephone ringing]
G, the phone's ringing.
Geoffrey, you did my homework all wrong.
Do it again.
Master William, would you go change the baby?
I'm trying to do ten things at once.
Uh, sorry, no can do, G. I'm about to go shoot some hoops.
Hey, do me a favor. Spit shine my kicks for me, though.
Thanks.
[ringing continues]
Oh, for heaven's sake! I'll get it!
[sighs] Hello.
Oh, hi, daddy.
Geoffrey is so lazy.
So, how's Jamaica?
What you buy me? Oh! Great, great!
Okay. Well, we'll see you soon. Bye.
Well, what did your father say?
For God's sake, when are they coming back?
They'll be home in time for graduation.
[sighing]
- Thank heavens. - The baby's.
They figure you can handle things until then.
Yo, G, check it out, I'm a peace-loving brother
but if you don't hurry up with my kicks
I'm going to split your wig, man.
I want a new omelet.
- Homework. - Cucumbers.
[overlapping chatter]
Calgon, take me away!
Geoffrey, you're exaggerating.
And you're lying through your bonded teeth.
Well, that's Geoffrey.
He pretends he doesn't like the family
but deep down inside, he really hates us.
That's not true. I can tolerate Miss Ashley.
Man, I can't wait to start my own family.
Yo, I want to have a whole bunch of kids, like, six.
I'll have them one right after another.
Will, we're talking about kids, not malt liquor.
Carlton, why don't you shut up before we send you back
to that white family that dropped you off
on the doorstep?
I don't know if I want to have kids.
Why not?
I told you, I don't know.
Oh, Hilary, honey, you're going to change your mind.
Having kids makes life worthwhile.
Boy, I just can't wait.
I mean, I'm gonna have the perfect life
with the perfect wife and the perfect kids.
Just perfect.
[dramatic music]
Honey, I'm home!
Hi, dear.
Did you have a tough day
shooting the naked centerfolds?
Ah, yeah, baby, it was hell.
Today we shot La Toya Jackson.
I had to keep turning the lights off 'cause she was melting.
You poor baby.
Why don't you glue yourself to the television set
completely ignore me, and play Nintendo
until you're too tired to make love.
I mean, you don't mind?
Have I ever? I'm perfect.
- Hello, father. - Hello, father.
Hey, Shaquille, Barkley, Jordan!
Okay, forget about that. Check it out.
Why don't we go outside, and, uh, shoot some hoops?
What are hoops?
I think he's referring to that sport
where a spherical object is thrown
into a round receptacle
at opposite ends of a court.
You watch your mouth, boy.
Alright, look, forget basketball. Come here.
Come here, come here.
What do y'all say we sneak and get some candy before dinner?
But that would spoil our appetite
and tonight we're having liver.
[cheering]
Shantay!
Don't do that!
I'm sorry, dear.
- Did you want something? - Yes.
I'd like to know what pods these kids came from.
Actually, father, we came from a zygote.
You see, in human reproduction--
Aw, knock it off.
Ever since you won that Nobel Prize
you think you're so doggone smart.
Honey, you seem tense.
I am tense. Everybody all perfect, baby.
[mumbles]
Why don't I send the children away
and dress up in that French maid's uniform
and give you a nice hot-oil massage?
You, you, you!
Why must everything always be about you?
What about my needs?
I'm sorry, honey.
What do you want?
I want a girl with extensions in her hair
a-and bamboo earrings, at least two pair.
I want kids that pick their noses sometimes
and-and roll me when I'm drunk.
I mean, I want a dirty house.
No! I want a dirty house!
I want to argue in public, you know?
I want you to have a headache sometime.
Uh, I want a regular life. I-I want a regular marriage!
Sweetheart, you seem upset.
Let's all give daddy a great big hug.
- No! No! - Yay!
No-o-o!
See, Will, I told you this baby thing
was a lousy idea.
Kids aren't all they're cracked up to be.
And I know. I used to be one.
Now, stop it, all of you.
Now I cannot wait for this baby to get here.
And that's not just because I'm retaining
more water than the Hoover Dam.
Ashley, honey, we're not gonna forget you when the baby comes.
You'll see this will bring us all closer together.
That's true, Ash. I mean look at us now.
The last time we sat around like this
was when they reran"Roots."
Maybe you guys are right.
We shouldn't be so selfish and think about ourselves
all the time. Geoffrey.
Well, I guess I don't mind
sharing my inheritance with the baby.
We're not dead yet, Carlton.
Hey, it's a cruel world, big guy.
And you're not gonna be in it forever.
Come on, now, now. Come on, let's not spoil the mood.
Come on, let's go to dinner, huh?
- Yeah. - Okay.
Come on, you too, Geoffrey.
Zippity!
And might I add do-dah?
Maybe this will be a good idea.
- I'm gonna go grab my sweater. - Okay.
- Mm, I don't feel good. - Forget it, Hilary.
- You're coming. - Okay.
But I'm not sitting between you and the dessert cart.
Last time, I almost lost an eye.
Okay, so where we going?
Uh, I say Snuffy's Catfish and Biscuits.
Ugh! Why don't we just go eat out of a dumpster?
Come on. Let's decide in the car.
- Alright. - How about Haitian?
Let's get some Haitian food. French?
I'm ready! Hey, you know, I'm feeling really silly
about that invisible stuff.
Where'd everybody go?
[car door shuts]
[car starts]
Hey! No! Hey, wait for me!
Oh, God!
And all those big nasty women you be bringing up in here, too
you think Uncle Phil don't know. He knows.
He knows what you do, Geoffrey. Okay?
Now I'm asking you to just do my sneaks.
I wanna go. I wanna run some balls.
There's gonna be some girls there. I gotta look cute.
If I have dirty sneaks, other guys are gonna get the girls.
All I'm asking is to have some clean sneaks
when I go dunk on some people. Alright?
So, Geoffrey, straighten your act up..
Okay, look, g-get the cucumbers.
(Geoffrey) Calgon, take me away!