1 00:00:01,199 --> 00:00:03,089 [instrumental music] 2 00:00:06,049 --> 00:00:09,019 You know, I used to think the only reason to kill a man 3 00:00:09,039 --> 00:00:11,240 was self-defense, but I just spent 45 minutes 4 00:00:11,259 --> 00:00:14,089 in the Volvo with another reason. 5 00:00:28,070 --> 00:00:30,070 [sighs] What's wrong with him? 6 00:00:30,089 --> 00:00:32,200 This idiot is taking a mime class. 7 00:00:40,060 --> 00:00:41,250 Carlton, get away.. 8 00:00:41,270 --> 00:00:43,289 I swear to God, Carlton, get away from me with it. 9 00:00:44,009 --> 00:00:45,259 Stop. Stop playing, Car.. 10 00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:48,210 Carlton, stop, or I'll hang you with that rope! 11 00:00:56,119 --> 00:00:58,200 Alright, that's it! That's it! 12 00:01:08,090 --> 00:01:10,019 I was going to throw him out on the freeway 13 00:01:10,039 --> 00:01:12,250 but you know the old saying.. 14 00:01:12,269 --> 00:01:15,289 "A mime is a terrible thing to waste." 15 00:01:17,230 --> 00:01:19,109 [theme song] 16 00:01:19,129 --> 00:01:22,159 ♪ Now this is a story all about how my life ♪ 17 00:01:22,180 --> 00:01:24,260 ♪ Got flipped turned upside down and I'd like to ♪ 18 00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:26,289 ♪ Take a minute just sit right there I'll tell you ♪ 19 00:01:27,010 --> 00:01:29,239 ♪ How I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air ♪ 20 00:01:38,140 --> 00:01:40,270 ♪ In West Philadelphia born and raised ♪ 21 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:43,180 ♪ On the playground is where I spent most of my days ♪ 22 00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:45,180 ♪ Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool ♪ 23 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:48,060 ♪ And all shootin' some b-ball outside of the school ♪ 24 00:01:48,079 --> 00:01:50,229 ♪ When a couple of guys who were up to no good ♪ 25 00:01:50,250 --> 00:01:52,219 ♪ Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood ♪ 26 00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:55,129 ♪ I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said ♪ 27 00:01:55,150 --> 00:01:57,240 ♪ You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air ♪ 28 00:01:57,259 --> 00:01:59,270 ♪ I whistled for a cab and when it came near ♪ 29 00:01:59,289 --> 00:02:02,159 ♪ The license plate said Fresh and it had dice in the mirror ♪ 30 00:02:02,180 --> 00:02:04,230 ♪ If anything I could say that this cab was rare ♪ 31 00:02:04,250 --> 00:02:08,180 ♪ But I thought nah forget it yo holmes to Bel-Air ♪ 32 00:02:08,199 --> 00:02:11,219 ♪ I pulled up to a house about seven or eight ♪ 33 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:14,139 ♪ And I yelled to the cabbie yo holmes smell ya later ♪ 34 00:02:14,159 --> 00:02:16,170 ♪ Looked at my kingdom I was finally there ♪ 35 00:02:16,189 --> 00:02:19,210 ♪ To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel-Air ♪♪ 36 00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:28,079 [instrumental music] 37 00:02:32,039 --> 00:02:35,020 Now we are entering the kitchen. 38 00:02:35,039 --> 00:02:36,150 This is where we eat.. 39 00:02:39,210 --> 00:02:43,120 ...some of us more than others. 40 00:02:43,139 --> 00:02:44,189 And this is your mom here. 41 00:02:44,210 --> 00:02:46,139 She look like she eating for a couple 42 00:02:46,159 --> 00:02:48,050 brothers herself. 43 00:02:48,069 --> 00:02:50,219 Will, what are you doing with that microphone? 44 00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:53,170 Um, making a tape for the, uh, coming attraction. 45 00:02:53,189 --> 00:02:55,099 You know, I was going to knit some booties or somethin' 46 00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:59,020 but, you know, I had to get yarn and, and needles and.. 47 00:02:59,039 --> 00:03:01,189 Oh, I'd have had to learn how to knit. 48 00:03:01,210 --> 00:03:05,080 See, now, Uncle Phil, the concept is to aesthetically 49 00:03:05,099 --> 00:03:08,169 capture for posterity, the sounds 50 00:03:08,189 --> 00:03:10,240 that are familiar to this house. 51 00:03:10,259 --> 00:03:12,120 Will, I'm eating. 52 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:15,240 You'll hear a lot of that. 53 00:03:15,259 --> 00:03:18,090 You're grounded. 54 00:03:18,110 --> 00:03:21,090 Okay, that about sums up Uncle Phil. 55 00:03:21,110 --> 00:03:23,150 Yo, G, what sound do you think 56 00:03:23,170 --> 00:03:26,079 accurately depicts your position in the family? 57 00:03:27,069 --> 00:03:29,259 [machine whirrs] 58 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:31,090 [stops] 59 00:03:31,110 --> 00:03:33,170 You're sick, man. See a therapist, okay? 60 00:03:35,020 --> 00:03:38,009 Hey, Ashley, say something to the baby. 61 00:03:38,030 --> 00:03:39,159 [blubbering lips] 62 00:03:41,060 --> 00:03:43,250 - Care to elaborate? - A lot. 63 00:03:45,030 --> 00:03:46,150 Uh, don't feel bad, she just mad 64 00:03:46,170 --> 00:03:48,229 'cause she found out she ain't adopted. 65 00:03:48,250 --> 00:03:50,250 So mom's having a baby. Big deal. 66 00:03:50,270 --> 00:03:52,229 I bet you didn't go through all this for me. 67 00:03:52,250 --> 00:03:55,099 You probably smoked cigarettes and rode horseback 68 00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:56,240 until the day I was born. 69 00:03:56,259 --> 00:03:59,259 Ashley, honey, come one, we prepared for you 70 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,180 and took the same precautions as we did 71 00:04:01,199 --> 00:04:03,159 for Hilary and Carlton. 72 00:04:03,180 --> 00:04:06,069 Ah...bungee jumping. 73 00:04:06,090 --> 00:04:08,219 Philip, the baby's moving. Feel my stomach. 74 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:12,090 Hey, I move all the time. Let's have a party. 75 00:04:12,110 --> 00:04:14,060 All you guys do is talk about the baby. 76 00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:17,259 The baby's clothes, the baby's room, the baby, baby, baby. 77 00:04:17,279 --> 00:04:21,199 You'll forget about me after you have it, mommy. 78 00:04:21,220 --> 00:04:23,259 I can see it coming. 79 00:04:25,029 --> 00:04:27,079 (Carlton) 'How's my little baby sister?' 80 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:28,139 Good morning, Geoffrey. 81 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:29,220 Good morning, everybody. 82 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:31,220 [baby babbling] 83 00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:33,069 Geoffrey, my place isn't set 84 00:04:33,090 --> 00:04:35,110 and where's my food? 85 00:04:36,220 --> 00:04:38,180 Oh, hey, let me feed my favorite little cousin. 86 00:04:38,199 --> 00:04:40,009 - Oh, no, come on.. - Oh, I thought it was my turn. 87 00:04:40,029 --> 00:04:41,079 Ah, ah, my turn. 88 00:04:41,100 --> 00:04:42,220 I thought I was your favorite cousin. 89 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:45,180 What do I have to do, spit up on your shirt? 90 00:04:45,199 --> 00:04:49,069 Shh. Shh. Y'all hear somethin'? 91 00:04:49,090 --> 00:04:52,170 Yeah, how about me screaming at the top of my lungs? 92 00:04:52,189 --> 00:04:54,120 Aah! 93 00:04:56,170 --> 00:04:59,120 Mm. Guess not. I be tripping, boy. 94 00:04:59,139 --> 00:05:01,089 Tripping. 95 00:05:02,209 --> 00:05:03,220 Daddy. 96 00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:06,050 There's my favorite little girl. 97 00:05:09,019 --> 00:05:10,230 Daddy, don't you remember me? 98 00:05:10,250 --> 00:05:12,120 - 'Ooh..' - It's me Ashley. 99 00:05:12,139 --> 00:05:14,120 Coochie-coochie-coo. 100 00:05:14,139 --> 00:05:16,160 Oh, she's so precious. 101 00:05:16,180 --> 00:05:18,089 You know, she reminds me of someone. 102 00:05:18,110 --> 00:05:20,240 That little girl that used to hang out around here? 103 00:05:20,259 --> 00:05:22,220 Pretty little thing. Black hair. 104 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:25,060 - Amanda. - Ashley. 105 00:05:25,079 --> 00:05:27,019 Or was it Anna? 106 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:28,120 No, Ashley. 107 00:05:28,139 --> 00:05:30,259 I'm pretty sure it was Apollonia. 108 00:05:30,279 --> 00:05:33,209 No, it was Ashley! 109 00:05:33,230 --> 00:05:36,069 Well, hold up. Was it, um, Ashley? 110 00:05:36,090 --> 00:05:38,050 Yes! Yeah. 111 00:05:38,069 --> 00:05:40,069 - Nah. - No. 112 00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:41,290 That's a stupid name anyway.. 113 00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:45,170 Ashley, honey, your father and I have always been here 114 00:05:45,189 --> 00:05:48,090 and we will always make time for you. 115 00:05:48,110 --> 00:05:50,019 Hilary, why not? I mean, it will help your ratings. 116 00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:52,079 I don't want to hear about it anymore. Okay? 117 00:05:52,100 --> 00:05:55,189 Now, here come your two elder siblings, Dopey and Greedy. 118 00:05:55,209 --> 00:05:58,220 No, Carlton, I will not plug your stupid school play 119 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:01,189 on my weather spot today, tomorrow, or ever. 120 00:06:01,209 --> 00:06:02,269 Oh, for your information 121 00:06:02,290 --> 00:06:05,230 "Brigadoon"is a classic musical comedy. 122 00:06:05,250 --> 00:06:06,269 No, man, for my money 123 00:06:06,290 --> 00:06:10,100 classic musical comedy? Milli Vanilli. 124 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:11,209 Think about it. 125 00:06:11,230 --> 00:06:13,279 Hilary's special because she's the oldest. 126 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,230 Carlton's the only boy. 127 00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:18,160 I was the baby, but who am I now? 128 00:06:18,180 --> 00:06:20,250 The whiner. 129 00:06:20,269 --> 00:06:22,209 Look, lighten up, Ashley. 130 00:06:22,230 --> 00:06:24,199 I mean, we all have our burdens to bear. 131 00:06:24,220 --> 00:06:26,000 When the new Banks arrives 132 00:06:26,019 --> 00:06:27,189 dad's going to have to update his will. 133 00:06:27,209 --> 00:06:28,279 Which means there'll be another 134 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:30,189 slice of the pie I won't be getting. 135 00:06:30,209 --> 00:06:33,180 I mean, what about my needs? What about me? What about-- 136 00:06:33,199 --> 00:06:35,240 Shut up, Carlton. 137 00:06:35,259 --> 00:06:37,180 Good call. 138 00:06:37,199 --> 00:06:40,019 [instrumental music] 139 00:06:42,180 --> 00:06:44,199 I can't wait till the new baby is born. 140 00:06:44,220 --> 00:06:48,000 Then I can do all those special things that big sisters do. 141 00:06:48,019 --> 00:06:50,060 Like when you took up to the attic window 142 00:06:50,079 --> 00:06:51,250 and told me I could fly? 143 00:06:51,269 --> 00:06:53,259 Or when you told me it was okay to roller-skate 144 00:06:53,279 --> 00:06:56,110 down the steps? 145 00:06:56,129 --> 00:06:59,000 Judging by your lovely brothers and sisters, you're gonna need 146 00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:02,079 an insurance policy before you're potty trained. 147 00:07:02,100 --> 00:07:03,110 Look, I'll have you guys know that 148 00:07:03,129 --> 00:07:04,269 I had a hand in raising you. 149 00:07:04,290 --> 00:07:07,089 I'll be a positive influence on the new baby. 150 00:07:07,110 --> 00:07:09,170 You just wait and see. 151 00:07:12,029 --> 00:07:15,029 Hilary, baby, you're 30 years old. 152 00:07:15,050 --> 00:07:17,250 Don't you think it's about time you moved out on your own? 153 00:07:17,269 --> 00:07:19,189 [sighs] That is so unfair. 154 00:07:19,209 --> 00:07:24,110 Mom's 50 years old, and you haven't pushed her out the door. 155 00:07:24,129 --> 00:07:26,069 Why do I even bother? 156 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,069 Cindy! 157 00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:35,290 Aren't you forgetting something, baby sister? 158 00:07:36,009 --> 00:07:38,149 You're prettier than I'll ever be? 159 00:07:38,170 --> 00:07:41,110 [chuckles] Something else. 160 00:07:41,129 --> 00:07:43,159 Ah! Good. 161 00:07:43,180 --> 00:07:46,040 Now, I'm feeling a little warm. 162 00:07:51,209 --> 00:07:56,019 [sighing] So, tell me about your day at school 163 00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:57,279 and move a little to the left. 164 00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:01,079 Well, Miss Randolph gave a pop quiz, and I-- 165 00:08:01,100 --> 00:08:05,259 - Do you like my outfit? - It's real pretty. 166 00:08:05,279 --> 00:08:09,120 Hilary, my arm is starting to hurt. 167 00:08:09,139 --> 00:08:11,089 Oh, you poor baby. 168 00:08:11,110 --> 00:08:13,139 Use the other arm. 169 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:16,089 Maybe you should start lifting weights. 170 00:08:16,110 --> 00:08:18,120 Anyway, go on with your story. 171 00:08:18,139 --> 00:08:21,000 Well, Myra Walker brought a hamster 172 00:08:21,019 --> 00:08:22,199 to class for show and tell-- 173 00:08:22,220 --> 00:08:24,180 Should I color my hair? 174 00:08:24,199 --> 00:08:26,139 No. It's beautiful. 175 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:30,079 [chuckles] It is, isn't it? 176 00:08:30,100 --> 00:08:33,100 Oh! Guess what? 177 00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:36,139 I have a little surprise for you. 178 00:08:38,259 --> 00:08:41,169 - Ta-da! - Oh, goody! 179 00:08:41,190 --> 00:08:44,220 - A shoeshine kit! - Oh.. 180 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:48,039 I know I spoil you, but I just couldn't resist. 181 00:08:50,049 --> 00:08:52,179 Do you like my shoes? 182 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:54,039 They're great. 183 00:08:54,059 --> 00:08:55,129 Well, you know 184 00:08:55,149 --> 00:08:59,059 they'd be even better if they were shiny. 185 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:02,009 Can't I put the fan down first? 186 00:09:02,029 --> 00:09:05,169 Mm. This time. It is your birthday. 187 00:09:05,190 --> 00:09:07,179 But don't make a habit of it. 188 00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:16,230 A spit polish. 189 00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:20,049 I meant on the shoes. 190 00:09:25,190 --> 00:09:29,080 Maybe I'd just be better off being invisible. 191 00:09:29,100 --> 00:09:31,129 Oh, I'm sorry, what'd you say, Ash? 192 00:09:34,029 --> 00:09:35,100 Oh, h-hold there, home fry. 193 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:37,269 Say a little something to spud. 194 00:09:37,289 --> 00:09:39,230 Hey, little bro, piece of advice 195 00:09:39,250 --> 00:09:42,100 don't lend Will a penny, even if he begs 196 00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:44,039 and he will. 197 00:09:47,179 --> 00:09:50,070 That's your brother Carlton. You'll recognize him. 198 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:52,210 He's the one at eye level. 199 00:09:52,230 --> 00:09:54,259 [telephone rings] 200 00:09:57,289 --> 00:10:00,000 Hello. Oh, hello, Dr. Graham. 201 00:10:00,019 --> 00:10:01,279 Yes, this is Philip Banks. 202 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:04,100 Oh, fine, fine. Thank you, and how are you? 203 00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:09,090 Uh, unusual? 204 00:10:11,250 --> 00:10:13,279 I see. Uh, I-I see. 205 00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:17,039 Are you sure? 206 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:22,070 Okay, I'll-I'll, I'll tell her right away. 207 00:10:22,090 --> 00:10:24,289 Thank you. Thank you, doctor. 208 00:10:27,090 --> 00:10:30,220 Vivian, y-you better sit down. 209 00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:32,179 I am sitting down. 210 00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:34,179 Philip, is there something wrong with the baby? 211 00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,039 No. T-that was the doctor. 212 00:10:36,059 --> 00:10:39,080 He just said that he thinks that we're having twins. 213 00:10:39,100 --> 00:10:40,240 - Twins! - Oh, my God! 214 00:10:40,259 --> 00:10:43,220 Oh, two buns! Two buns! 215 00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:45,110 [thudding] 216 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:49,200 [instrumental music] 217 00:10:54,090 --> 00:10:55,080 - Come on, daddy. - Daddy? 218 00:10:55,100 --> 00:10:57,009 - Philip, honey. - Oh, dad.. 219 00:10:57,029 --> 00:10:59,269 I got it, y'all. Look out, look out. 220 00:10:59,289 --> 00:11:01,139 [sniffing] 221 00:11:05,100 --> 00:11:06,129 - What happened? - Oh.. 222 00:11:06,149 --> 00:11:08,039 Come on, get him up. Get him up. 223 00:11:08,059 --> 00:11:11,190 I remember something about, about twins. 224 00:11:11,210 --> 00:11:14,139 Then I had this incredible urge for a sausage. 225 00:11:14,159 --> 00:11:16,149 Philip, the doctor called, but there must be some mistake. 226 00:11:16,169 --> 00:11:19,029 I couldn't possibly be having twins. 227 00:11:19,049 --> 00:11:21,190 Well, we'll have to split the inheritance four ways 228 00:11:21,210 --> 00:11:24,289 thanks to forget-the-pill, Phil. 229 00:11:25,009 --> 00:11:27,070 Is that all you think about? 230 00:11:28,149 --> 00:11:30,019 Pretty much. 231 00:11:32,100 --> 00:11:33,129 [scoffs] I don't know about y'all. 232 00:11:33,149 --> 00:11:35,059 I'm excited we having twins. 233 00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:37,220 I mean, now you can finally have the son you always wanted. 234 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:40,029 Well, they already have me. 235 00:11:40,049 --> 00:11:43,000 Now you can finally have the son you always wanted. 236 00:11:44,129 --> 00:11:45,279 [telephone ringing] 237 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:49,200 Hello. 238 00:11:49,220 --> 00:11:51,129 Oh, yes, doctor. 239 00:11:51,149 --> 00:11:53,049 Well, you know, I figured there must be some mistake. 240 00:11:53,070 --> 00:11:56,000 I knew I couldn't possibly be having twins. 241 00:11:56,019 --> 00:11:58,179 [chuckles] Triplets? 242 00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:02,059 That's right, Mrs. Banks. 243 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:04,200 You'll be having three little ones 244 00:12:04,220 --> 00:12:07,000 so I suggest a lot more help 245 00:12:07,019 --> 00:12:10,230 preferably a young nanny, amply endowed 246 00:12:10,250 --> 00:12:13,210 with no inhibitions. 247 00:12:13,230 --> 00:12:15,029 Ahem. 248 00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:18,100 Oh, hello. Ahem.. 249 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:20,009 Might I get you anything? 250 00:12:20,029 --> 00:12:21,259 An explanation. 251 00:12:21,279 --> 00:12:24,070 Mid-life crisis? 252 00:12:24,090 --> 00:12:26,000 Geoffrey, why did you do it? 253 00:12:26,019 --> 00:12:27,250 I'm terribly sorry, madam. 254 00:12:27,269 --> 00:12:29,269 It was just the thought of one more person 255 00:12:29,289 --> 00:12:32,139 to clean up after was more than I could bear. 256 00:12:32,159 --> 00:12:35,110 Geoffrey, this baby is all of our responsibility. 257 00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:38,169 And I promise you, we will not leave you with all the work. 258 00:12:44,029 --> 00:12:45,039 [baby crying] 259 00:12:45,059 --> 00:12:46,190 [indistinct chatter] 260 00:12:46,210 --> 00:12:48,049 [baby crying] 261 00:12:48,070 --> 00:12:51,159 Geoffrey, I told you I wanted tomatoes in my omelet. 262 00:12:51,179 --> 00:12:53,210 Geoffrey, I need some sliced cucumbers for my eyelids. 263 00:12:53,230 --> 00:12:56,009 [sighs] 264 00:12:56,029 --> 00:12:58,250 [telephone ringing] 265 00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:06,250 G, the phone's ringing. 266 00:13:06,269 --> 00:13:09,159 Geoffrey, you did my homework all wrong. 267 00:13:09,179 --> 00:13:11,000 Do it again. 268 00:13:12,230 --> 00:13:14,279 Master William, would you go change the baby? 269 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:17,120 I'm trying to do ten things at once. 270 00:13:17,139 --> 00:13:19,250 Uh, sorry, no can do, G. I'm about to go shoot some hoops. 271 00:13:19,269 --> 00:13:21,259 Hey, do me a favor. Spit shine my kicks for me, though. 272 00:13:21,279 --> 00:13:23,039 Thanks. 273 00:13:25,090 --> 00:13:27,210 [ringing continues] 274 00:13:27,230 --> 00:13:31,139 Oh, for heaven's sake! I'll get it! 275 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:37,009 [sighs] Hello. 276 00:13:37,029 --> 00:13:38,269 Oh, hi, daddy. 277 00:13:38,289 --> 00:13:41,100 Geoffrey is so lazy. 278 00:13:43,259 --> 00:13:45,230 So, how's Jamaica? 279 00:13:45,250 --> 00:13:48,169 What you buy me? Oh! Great, great! 280 00:13:48,190 --> 00:13:51,120 Okay. Well, we'll see you soon. Bye. 281 00:13:51,139 --> 00:13:53,129 Well, what did your father say? 282 00:13:53,149 --> 00:13:55,200 For God's sake, when are they coming back? 283 00:13:55,220 --> 00:13:57,269 They'll be home in time for graduation. 284 00:13:57,289 --> 00:13:59,149 [sighing] 285 00:13:59,169 --> 00:14:01,149 - Thank heavens. - The baby's. 286 00:14:01,169 --> 00:14:04,129 They figure you can handle things until then. 287 00:14:04,149 --> 00:14:05,279 Yo, G, check it out, I'm a peace-loving brother 288 00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:07,000 but if you don't hurry up with my kicks 289 00:14:07,019 --> 00:14:08,179 I'm going to split your wig, man. 290 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,120 I want a new omelet. 291 00:14:10,139 --> 00:14:12,090 - Homework. - Cucumbers. 292 00:14:12,110 --> 00:14:15,129 [overlapping chatter] 293 00:14:22,059 --> 00:14:25,039 Calgon, take me away! 294 00:14:27,250 --> 00:14:30,139 Geoffrey, you're exaggerating. 295 00:14:30,159 --> 00:14:33,149 And you're lying through your bonded teeth. 296 00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:38,259 Well, that's Geoffrey. 297 00:14:38,279 --> 00:14:40,159 He pretends he doesn't like the family 298 00:14:40,179 --> 00:14:43,200 but deep down inside, he really hates us. 299 00:14:43,220 --> 00:14:47,149 That's not true. I can tolerate Miss Ashley. 300 00:14:48,179 --> 00:14:50,289 Man, I can't wait to start my own family. 301 00:14:51,009 --> 00:14:55,080 Yo, I want to have a whole bunch of kids, like, six. 302 00:14:55,100 --> 00:14:57,129 I'll have them one right after another. 303 00:14:57,149 --> 00:15:01,279 Will, we're talking about kids, not malt liquor. 304 00:15:03,210 --> 00:15:05,100 Carlton, why don't you shut up before we send you back 305 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:06,210 to that white family that dropped you off 306 00:15:06,230 --> 00:15:08,240 on the doorstep? 307 00:15:10,139 --> 00:15:12,250 I don't know if I want to have kids. 308 00:15:12,269 --> 00:15:14,039 Why not? 309 00:15:14,059 --> 00:15:16,159 I told you, I don't know. 310 00:15:16,179 --> 00:15:18,240 Oh, Hilary, honey, you're going to change your mind. 311 00:15:18,259 --> 00:15:21,149 Having kids makes life worthwhile. 312 00:15:21,169 --> 00:15:22,230 Boy, I just can't wait. 313 00:15:22,250 --> 00:15:25,009 I mean, I'm gonna have the perfect life 314 00:15:25,029 --> 00:15:29,049 with the perfect wife and the perfect kids. 315 00:15:29,070 --> 00:15:30,190 Just perfect. 316 00:15:34,029 --> 00:15:35,019 [dramatic music] 317 00:15:35,039 --> 00:15:37,059 Honey, I'm home! 318 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:38,190 Hi, dear. 319 00:15:38,210 --> 00:15:39,230 Did you have a tough day 320 00:15:39,250 --> 00:15:41,220 shooting the naked centerfolds? 321 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:43,129 Ah, yeah, baby, it was hell. 322 00:15:43,149 --> 00:15:45,000 Today we shot La Toya Jackson. 323 00:15:45,019 --> 00:15:48,120 I had to keep turning the lights off 'cause she was melting. 324 00:15:51,129 --> 00:15:53,129 You poor baby. 325 00:15:56,090 --> 00:15:58,220 Why don't you glue yourself to the television set 326 00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:01,179 completely ignore me, and play Nintendo 327 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:05,120 until you're too tired to make love. 328 00:16:05,139 --> 00:16:06,179 I mean, you don't mind? 329 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:10,049 Have I ever? I'm perfect. 330 00:16:17,129 --> 00:16:19,049 - Hello, father. - Hello, father. 331 00:16:19,070 --> 00:16:23,039 Hey, Shaquille, Barkley, Jordan! 332 00:16:25,110 --> 00:16:26,269 Okay, forget about that. Check it out. 333 00:16:26,289 --> 00:16:29,279 Why don't we go outside, and, uh, shoot some hoops? 334 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:31,210 What are hoops? 335 00:16:31,230 --> 00:16:33,100 I think he's referring to that sport 336 00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:34,279 where a spherical object is thrown 337 00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:36,120 into a round receptacle 338 00:16:36,139 --> 00:16:38,279 at opposite ends of a court. 339 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,029 You watch your mouth, boy. 340 00:16:41,049 --> 00:16:42,100 Alright, look, forget basketball. Come here. 341 00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:44,039 Come here, come here. 342 00:16:44,059 --> 00:16:46,190 What do y'all say we sneak and get some candy before dinner? 343 00:16:46,210 --> 00:16:49,000 But that would spoil our appetite 344 00:16:49,019 --> 00:16:51,129 and tonight we're having liver. 345 00:16:51,149 --> 00:16:53,210 [cheering] 346 00:16:54,210 --> 00:16:57,100 Shantay! 347 00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:58,289 Don't do that! 348 00:16:59,009 --> 00:17:00,049 I'm sorry, dear. 349 00:17:00,070 --> 00:17:03,049 - Did you want something? - Yes. 350 00:17:03,070 --> 00:17:05,240 I'd like to know what pods these kids came from. 351 00:17:05,259 --> 00:17:08,069 Actually, father, we came from a zygote. 352 00:17:08,089 --> 00:17:10,089 You see, in human reproduction-- 353 00:17:10,109 --> 00:17:12,069 Aw, knock it off. 354 00:17:12,089 --> 00:17:13,279 Ever since you won that Nobel Prize 355 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,099 you think you're so doggone smart. 356 00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:18,089 Honey, you seem tense. 357 00:17:18,109 --> 00:17:20,039 I am tense. Everybody all perfect, baby. 358 00:17:20,059 --> 00:17:22,000 [mumbles] 359 00:17:22,019 --> 00:17:23,289 Why don't I send the children away 360 00:17:24,009 --> 00:17:25,259 and dress up in that French maid's uniform 361 00:17:25,279 --> 00:17:29,180 and give you a nice hot-oil massage? 362 00:17:31,269 --> 00:17:33,289 You, you, you! 363 00:17:34,009 --> 00:17:36,250 Why must everything always be about you? 364 00:17:36,269 --> 00:17:39,099 What about my needs? 365 00:17:39,119 --> 00:17:41,000 I'm sorry, honey. 366 00:17:41,019 --> 00:17:43,059 What do you want? 367 00:17:43,079 --> 00:17:46,079 I want a girl with extensions in her hair 368 00:17:46,099 --> 00:17:49,029 a-and bamboo earrings, at least two pair. 369 00:17:50,130 --> 00:17:53,000 I want kids that pick their noses sometimes 370 00:17:53,019 --> 00:17:55,119 and-and roll me when I'm drunk. 371 00:17:55,140 --> 00:17:58,140 I mean, I want a dirty house. 372 00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:02,089 No! I want a dirty house! 373 00:18:05,089 --> 00:18:06,269 I want to argue in public, you know? 374 00:18:06,289 --> 00:18:08,210 I want you to have a headache sometime. 375 00:18:08,230 --> 00:18:12,279 Uh, I want a regular life. I-I want a regular marriage! 376 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,250 Sweetheart, you seem upset. 377 00:18:15,269 --> 00:18:18,089 Let's all give daddy a great big hug. 378 00:18:18,109 --> 00:18:20,069 - No! No! - Yay! 379 00:18:20,089 --> 00:18:23,190 No-o-o! 380 00:18:26,059 --> 00:18:28,109 See, Will, I told you this baby thing 381 00:18:28,130 --> 00:18:29,269 was a lousy idea. 382 00:18:29,289 --> 00:18:32,000 Kids aren't all they're cracked up to be. 383 00:18:32,019 --> 00:18:34,170 And I know. I used to be one. 384 00:18:34,190 --> 00:18:36,039 Now, stop it, all of you. 385 00:18:36,059 --> 00:18:37,220 Now I cannot wait for this baby to get here. 386 00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:39,119 And that's not just because I'm retaining 387 00:18:39,140 --> 00:18:42,119 more water than the Hoover Dam. 388 00:18:42,140 --> 00:18:45,150 Ashley, honey, we're not gonna forget you when the baby comes. 389 00:18:45,170 --> 00:18:49,059 You'll see this will bring us all closer together. 390 00:18:49,079 --> 00:18:51,259 That's true, Ash. I mean look at us now. 391 00:18:51,279 --> 00:18:53,119 The last time we sat around like this 392 00:18:53,140 --> 00:18:55,279 was when they reran"Roots." 393 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,140 Maybe you guys are right. 394 00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:59,130 We shouldn't be so selfish and think about ourselves 395 00:18:59,150 --> 00:19:02,099 all the time. Geoffrey. 396 00:19:03,150 --> 00:19:04,220 Well, I guess I don't mind 397 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:07,190 sharing my inheritance with the baby. 398 00:19:07,210 --> 00:19:09,160 We're not dead yet, Carlton. 399 00:19:09,180 --> 00:19:11,009 Hey, it's a cruel world, big guy. 400 00:19:11,029 --> 00:19:13,089 And you're not gonna be in it forever. 401 00:19:13,109 --> 00:19:16,240 Come on, now, now. Come on, let's not spoil the mood. 402 00:19:16,259 --> 00:19:18,079 Come on, let's go to dinner, huh? 403 00:19:18,099 --> 00:19:19,160 - Yeah. - Okay. 404 00:19:19,180 --> 00:19:21,140 Come on, you too, Geoffrey. 405 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,279 Zippity! 406 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:26,049 And might I add do-dah? 407 00:19:26,069 --> 00:19:27,210 Maybe this will be a good idea. 408 00:19:27,230 --> 00:19:29,259 - I'm gonna go grab my sweater. - Okay. 409 00:19:29,279 --> 00:19:32,089 - Mm, I don't feel good. - Forget it, Hilary. 410 00:19:32,109 --> 00:19:34,119 - You're coming. - Okay. 411 00:19:34,140 --> 00:19:36,240 But I'm not sitting between you and the dessert cart. 412 00:19:36,259 --> 00:19:39,019 Last time, I almost lost an eye. 413 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:42,240 Okay, so where we going? 414 00:19:42,259 --> 00:19:45,069 Uh, I say Snuffy's Catfish and Biscuits. 415 00:19:45,089 --> 00:19:49,200 Ugh! Why don't we just go eat out of a dumpster? 416 00:19:49,220 --> 00:19:50,289 Come on. Let's decide in the car. 417 00:19:51,009 --> 00:19:52,079 - Alright. - How about Haitian? 418 00:19:52,099 --> 00:19:56,029 Let's get some Haitian food. French? 419 00:19:56,049 --> 00:19:59,069 I'm ready! Hey, you know, I'm feeling really silly 420 00:19:59,089 --> 00:20:01,049 about that invisible stuff. 421 00:20:03,109 --> 00:20:04,250 Where'd everybody go? 422 00:20:04,269 --> 00:20:05,259 [car door shuts] 423 00:20:05,279 --> 00:20:07,009 [car starts] 424 00:20:07,029 --> 00:20:09,109 Hey! No! Hey, wait for me! 425 00:20:09,130 --> 00:20:11,019 Oh, God! 426 00:20:18,059 --> 00:20:19,200 And all those big nasty women you be bringing up in here, too 427 00:20:19,220 --> 00:20:20,259 you think Uncle Phil don't know. He knows. 428 00:20:20,279 --> 00:20:22,200 He knows what you do, Geoffrey. Okay? 429 00:20:22,220 --> 00:20:25,059 Now I'm asking you to just do my sneaks. 430 00:20:25,079 --> 00:20:26,250 I wanna go. I wanna run some balls. 431 00:20:26,269 --> 00:20:28,200 There's gonna be some girls there. I gotta look cute. 432 00:20:28,220 --> 00:20:30,250 If I have dirty sneaks, other guys are gonna get the girls. 433 00:20:30,269 --> 00:20:32,250 All I'm asking is to have some clean sneaks 434 00:20:32,269 --> 00:20:34,150 when I go dunk on some people. Alright? 435 00:20:34,170 --> 00:20:35,269 So, Geoffrey, straighten your act up.. 436 00:20:35,289 --> 00:20:37,150 Okay, look, g-get the cucumbers. 437 00:20:37,170 --> 00:20:41,180 (Geoffrey) Calgon, take me away!