[instrumental music]
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
Ooh, a little lower, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey?
- Oh, hi, honey. It's you! - Uh-huh.
[chuckles]
The kids aren't back from the airport with Will yet.
Wow, in that case I have an idea.
Ooh! Take no prisoners, daddy.
[laughs]
Speaking of prisoners, let's talk about Will.
You know, maybe Bel-Air Prep
isn't the right place for the boy.
Maybe he could get more from a different environment.
Mm. So could we.
Come on, I'll race you to the Jacuzzi.
No, no. Wait a minute, now.
I found a school that's a little further away
than we're used to.
How much further?
Switzerland.
Now that's settled, I'll go fire up the Jacuzzi.
Back it up.
Philip, how could you even suggest
shipping Will off to some boarding school?
Okay, okay, I'm sorry, you're absolutely right.
Will's a great kid, I've even grown to sort of..
Anyway, I'm sorry I even mentioned Switzerland.
- Okay. - Okay? Yes.
- You're forgiven. - Thank you.
Would you consider Great Britain?
Well, a man can dream, can't he?
Vivian, I'm sorry, it's just that it's been so peaceful here
since Will's been in Philly.
And boarding school's not so bad, is it, Geoffrey?
Geoffrey went to boarding school. Tell her, Geoffrey.
Madam, I went to boarding school.
And then I went to therapy.
Who asked you? Get my lunch.
Right away, sir.
The man has a tapeworm.
Philip, when Will gets here, please be nice.
Otherwise, you're going to be bunking with Mr. Couch.
[scoffs]
[laughs]
Woman, please..
...do you think that you can manipulate me with sex?
Ha-ha-ha.
Does James Brown have a perm?
[upbeat music]
Oh, Lord, I don't know whether to dive
under the table or do the running man.
♪ So back up bucko or I'll pulverize McGruff ♪
♪ 'Cause this little piggy gets busy and stuff ♪
♪Arrivederciheavens to mercy honky tonk I get swift ♪
♪ I caught a Snuffleupagus and smoked a boogaloo spliff ♪
♪ I got the nooks the crannies the nitty gritty 40 doe ♪
♪ O-o-h ♪ ♪ Where's my boogaloo? ♪
♪ I'm steamin'.. ♪♪
- G! - Master Will!
Uncle Fink.
Will, it's so nice to have you home.
[theme song]
♪ Now this is a story ♪
♪ All about how my life got flipped turned upside down ♪
♪ And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there ♪
♪ I'll tell you how I became the prince ♪
♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪
♪ In West Philadelphia born and raised ♪
♪ On the playground was where I spent most of my days ♪
♪ Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool ♪
♪ And all shootin' some B-ball outside of the school ♪
♪ When a couple of guys who were up to no good ♪
♪ Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood ♪
♪ I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said ♪
♪ You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air ♪
♪ I whistled for a cab and when it came near ♪
♪ The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror ♪
♪ If anything I can say that this cab was rare ♪
♪ But I thought nah forget it yo homes to Bel-Air ♪
♪ I pulled up to a house about seven or eight ♪
♪ And I yelled to the cabbie yo homes smell you later ♪
♪ I looked at my kingdom I was finally there ♪
♪ To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air ♪
Hey, Uncle Phil, you look great, man.
Hey, you look like you lost some...hair.
Looks like the whole Jackson family
could live in those pants.
Daddy, that's how all the brothers are dressing in Philly.
[scoffs] No wonder Willy Williams moved to LA.
Carlton, honey, what happened?
Will told everyone at the airport I was Bryant Gumbel.
I mean, I-I thought I'd get my luggage faster.
Oh, you poor baby, what did they do? Mob you for autographs?
No, five old ladies attacked me for being mean to Willard.
Hey, it was worth it. We got the luggage.
My sister.
Daddy, I need $500.
- Will! - Hil!
Daddy, I need $500.
Hil, you should really consider expanding
your vocabulary a little.
Hilary, honey, if it's for the barbecue
we're catering this afternoon, we have already paid you.
Oh, it's not for the barbecue. I just want $500.
Oh, come on, Hil, please, at least kiss him first.
[beeper beeping]
- What is that? - Oh, that would be Aisha.
Oh, no.
Oh, well, you're-you're right, Uncle Phil, wrong area code.
That would be...Stacy.
Vivian, tell me that's not a beeper.
Can I have one, daddy?
When Jesse Jackson gets a job.
Will, there'll be no beepers worn in this house.
Oh, yo, what's up, Uncle Phil? My mom let me wear it in Philly.
That's because she's your mother and she loves you.
I'm your uncle. I just try not to hurt you.
Come on, Uncle Phil, I need to keep in touch with my tasties.
I beg your pardon?
His tasties, daddy.
You know, his chubbies, his slimmies, his old ladies?
And who are you?
Queen Latifah?
See, look..
Just think of it as honeys on my hip, Uncle Phil, you know?
It's like, I need to keep in touch with my squaws, right?
See, otherwise, you know, they get all frazzled and frantic
and everything. You know how it is, right, Uncle Phil?
No, I do not.
Oh, that's because you only got one squaw
and you'll never go nowhere.
Well, this one squaw says take your behind upstairs
change, and no beeper.
And, Philip, how come we don't ever go nowhere?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold it, hold it, hold it.
What about my freedom to express myself?
Will, back off, the big, fat vein in daddy's head
is starting to throb.
Yeah, and he hasn't given me my money yet.
No, come on, Hil, we cool, you know, it ain't really serious
till his right eye start twitching.
Okay, posse up.
And may I say that if you go with our firm
it'll be the best decision you ever made.
Well, enough business talk, Mr. And Mrs. Cornfeld.
Please, enjoy the party.
- Oh, thank you. Call me Norma. - Norma.
And you can call me Whitey.
I think not.
Oh, everyone does, on account of my white hair.
- Oh, oh, the, the white hair. - Yeah.
[laughs]
Hello. Welcome to our home.
- I'm Vivian, Philip's wife. - Hello.
Vivian, say hi to Whitey.
Hello, Whitey.
Philip, why am I calling that man Whitey?
Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, mommy.
and daddy.
Oh, look, it's the entertainment.
Well, this, I think this is our, our youngest daughter, Ashley.
Uh, she just had a brain operation.
And her head's a little swollen, hence the hat.
- Huh? - Oh, very good, honey.
Ashley, what are you wearing?
Will got it for me in Philly. Ain't it fly?
- Switzerland, Vivian. - Not far enough, Philip.
Ashley, go upstairs and change right now.
But I like it.
And if I don't wear it, it'll hurt Will's feelings.
If you do wear it, you'll never see 18.
- I never liked Will, anyway. - Hmm.
- Will, you must change. - Carlton, you must grow.
Will, you better change before dad sees you.
What are you talking about, man? I'm making a statement.
What statement? "I'm out on parole?"
Will, get away from the buffet table.
Your jail suit is scaring the people away.
With all due respect, Hilary, it's not Will's fault, it's..
How shall I put this?
The food sucks.
Man, what are you talking about? It looks good to me.
Uh-oh! The pepper's moving.
That is the last time I buy sushi out of the trunk of a car.
Tuna roll?
Will, take off those clothes.
[chuckles] Well, I would, Aunt Viv, but I wouldn't want to
make all your guests jealous.
Will, please, these are very important clients.
At least take off that ridiculous hat.
Wonderful party, Banks.
You really know how to court a client.
Oh, thank you.
Um, this is my nephew, Will.
And, um, this is his hair.
It's a pleasure to meet you both.
How are you doing?
- Hello. - Call me Whitey.
Oh, no, no, no, I'm gonna call you that
then you gonna call me the other thing
and we're gonna be here fighting.
Will, Whitey is the president
of a very prestigious savings and loan.
Oh, really?
Guess a lot of your buddies wearing suits
like this now, huh?
Um, wh-why don't we just go over here, and..
Um, ju.. Move it over here, Whitey.
- You alright, Uncle Phil? - Will.
You just insulted a potential.. Will, put your hat on.
You just told me to take my hat off.
Put it on!
[beeper beeping]
Oh, that's me. Chill, fellas. I got that right here.
That's Stacy again, sweatin' me.
You want to handle this one, big guy, or shall I?
- Shut up, Carlton. - Good call.
Will, I told you there will be no beepers worn in my house.
Oh, well, I-I didn't really disobey you, Uncle Phil
'cause, see technically we not in the house.
- Smog. - Get rid of that thing.
Oh, come on, Uncle Phil, what's wrong?
Do you think everybody's gonna think I'm a drug dealer?
I mean, why wouldn't they think I'm a doctor?
'Cause everyone knows Buckwheat never went to medical school.
Will, put your hat back on.
I'm so confused.
Well, let me, uh, clarify it for you, Will.
Get rid of the hair, get rid of the clothes
and give me the beeper.
I don't really think that Stacy's your type, Uncle Phil.
Do you think that just because there are a lot of people around
you can defy me openly and get away with it?
Well, I was kind of hoping, since--
Get upstairs!
Uncle Phil, man, why you making such a big deal about this?
Boy, as long as you live in my house, you will do what I say.
Maybe I won't be in your house, then.
Good.
- Well, alright. - Yeah.
- Well, I'm out of here, then. - Bye.
And what are you looking at, Whitey?
[instrumental music]
Oh, I-I'll help you with those, ma'am.
No, you won't, worm head.
And there's more where that come from, chump.
[knocking]
- Aah! - Aah!
What's up, man?
- What's up, J? - When did you get back?
I just got back this morning, man.
- Man, welcome home. Later. - Alright.
Jazz! Jazz!
- Weren't you just here? - I've been gone all summer.
Isn't there something else you'd like to say to me?
Now that you mention it, yeah.
You dating Whoopi Goldberg?
How about come in, man? I need a place to crash.
Whoa. You got a place to crash.
A mansion with a pool, a tennis court
and a toilet that flushes without using a coat hanger.
- Not no more, man. - Dang, your toilet broke, too?
No, Jazz, it's my uncle, man. He kicking me all this static.
I told him, "You can't accept me for me, I'm out of here."
I'm with you, my brother.
So, I can stay with you?
No. I already have company.
What company?
Company with breasts.
Look, Jazz, can you ask them
to come back another time, please?
(female #1) 'Jazz, I'm getting lonely.'
They're lonely.
Come on, Jazz, if you don't let me stay here
I'mma be out on the street, man.
(female #1) 'Jazz..'
Sorry, my brother..
...but those are the harsh realities
of the cruel world in which we habitate.
And now, booty awaits me.
Jazz, man, if our friendship means anything to you
you'll open this door right now.
I walked ten miles and took four buses
to get here, now open this door.
That's more like it.
[screaming]
Don't tell me I can't stay at your crib.
Well, we, we supposed to be boys.
You got some girl up in there, you won't..
Hey, what's up, man?
Dang, I thought I was having a bad hair day.
Hey, you know, you going bald, man.
You about to look like my uncle in a minute.
I never had a dog, man, so..
You know, we going to swing out for a little bit, alright?
You're the only friend I got, man.
Oh, man!
This is a black thing, right? You're going to pee on my foot.
Alright, you got that.
Damn!
[automated message] 'You are too close to the vehicle.'
Who said that?
[automated message] 'You are too close to the vehicle.'
I heard you the first time.
[automated message] 'You have ten seconds to move away'
'before the alarm activates.'
Oh, really now?
[humming]
Ten seconds, I knew you was full of it.
[horn honks and siren wails]
Shh! Chill, chill!
Who are you talking to, son?
Uh, well, ac-actually
I wa-I was talking to the car, officer.
Oh, the car talks?
Oh, no, it's kind of fly, actually. Check it out.
Check it out, check it out, Check it out.
- Uh-uh. - No, no, chill, no, watch.
[indistinct chatter]
No, no, wait, wait, hold it. Check it out, check it out.
The car, it say, "Move or I'll kill you"
or something like that.
Guess the cat's got its tongue.
Damn!
[automated message] 'You are too close to the vehicle.'
[instrumental music]
Philip, Will's been gone for seven hours now.
What if something's happened to him?
Don't try to cheer me up, Vivian.
Philip, I'm serious. Do something.
What do you want me to do? I've got Geoffrey out
scouring the city.
I'm terribly sorry, sir, I've looked everywhere.
There isn't an ice cream sandwich left in this town.
Vivian. Viv..
Ashley, what are you doing out of bed?
I'm worried about Will.
Why did you throw him out into the street, daddy?
I did not throw him into the street.
Quite right, sir. You threw him on the lawn.
He rolled into the street.
Daddy, we couldn't find Will anywhere.
And sorry, no ice cream sandwiches.
Shh!
Well, looks like you really blew it this time, huh, big guy?
I just hope the Willster's still breathing.
Will! Oh, honey, thank God you're safe.
- Hi, Aunt Viv. - Oh, you stink.
Boy, it's good to be home.
- Is there a problem, officer? - Oh, oh, right, right.
Just 'cause I come in the crib in the middle of the night
escorted by a police officer, you think something's wrong.
See how he be trying to play me, Fred?
Thank you so much for bringing him home, officer.
Well, Will, I guess I better beat it.
Whoa!
- Goodnight, folks. - 'Goodnight.'
What, I got a boogie?
Will, I am very disappointed in you.
I can't believe the trouble you've caused this family.
Your aunt's right. You've been back from Philly one day.
You insult a client and you storm out of this house
like a crazy man and worry this family half to death.
And I don't appreciate the influence
you're having on your cousin Ashley.
He's not a bad influence on me, daddy.
I have a mind of my own.
If that's okay with you.
See, see, look at that. It's like you got her brainwashed.
That's right, and it took me 13 years to do it.
- Dad, can I say something? - What is it, Carlton?
You forgot the part about Will getting arrested.
Come on, man.
Oh, y'all trying to play me like that, right?
Oh, wh-what if he told you that you couldn't wear plaid anymore?
Don't joke about that, Will.
Hey, and what if he told you that
you couldn't entertain men in the Jacuzzi anymore?
When did you have a man in the Jacuzzi?
This isn't about me. It's about Will.
Come on y'all. It's about all of us.
I mean, look, we-we're young adults here.
I mean, we have a right to our own opinions.
Yeah!
Look, today it's my beeper
I mean, tomorrow it's going to be who you can date
or-or how to vote, or what college to go to.
That's such bulldoody.
Dad knows I'm going to Yale.
You're going to Princeton.
I don't want to go to Princeton.
Hold on a minute.
I want to know when you had a man in the Jacuzzi.
Look, that's my private life.
That's between me, that man, and his video camera.
Vivian..
Look, Uncle Phil, I-I'm saying, wh-what's the difference
between me wearing this and you in the '60s?
You wore a dashiki and an Afro.
But I was making a cultural statement.
You're just drawing attention to yourself.
But now correct me if I'm wrong..
But you don't think a six foot three, 250-pound black dude
in a dashiki and an Afro the size of West Philly
is drawing attention to himself?
Will, I am just trying to save you
from going through the same hassles
that I went through.
But I'm saying, why would you want to?
I mean, look how good you turned out.
Yeah, daddy.
He's got you there, big guy.
I'm with Will, dad.
Oh.
[chuckles]
Good.
Well, Will..
...I hate to admit it, but I guess you have a point.
I do?
Just because you live in my house
doesn't mean I can control you.
It don't?
So, you can express yourself any way you want to.
Keep the clothes, keep the hair and the beeper.
Knock yourself out.
Alright.
But you know, now, I've been thinking.
You know, I have a, a need to express myself, too.
Well, I don't know, Uncle Phil, you-you might be able to
get one little twist right here in the back..
[laughs]
No, no, no, that's not quite what I had in mind.
You see, I can't force you to do anything you don't want to do.
But these...are my kids.
So, as long as you keep the hair, the clothes and the beeper
you're all grounded.
Goodnight.
Nice try.
Alright, look y'all, this is a classic case
of divide and conquer.
Look, Malcolm warned us about this.
Get him!
[instrumental music]
Hey, so you know, we're gonna
swing out for a little while, alright?
'Cause you're the only friend I've got right now, alright?
(female #2) 'Lift! Lift!'
'Lift!'
'Lift! Lift!'