Go and get the dogs.
Come on, then. Mews!
Come on, now. Open your mouth. Open your mouth, eh?
Learn to appreciate your food, eh?
Compared to what you serve up in that dirty little canteen of yours,
this is a three-star supper.
You must learn the rules.
I need to eat and drink the very best and that's expensive.
Have you ever heard of chicken à la reine Marie
or oyster sauce mornay
or frogs' legs Parisienne?
No. Course you haven't.
Take his pants down! Take his pants down.
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
Didn't your daddy teach you to wipe your bottom? Eh?
Albert! Leave him alone.
Come on, let's eat. Oh, let's eat.
Before we eat, Georgina, we must feed and water the animals.
Roy! This is my wife, Georgina Spica.
She's got a heart of gold and a body to match.
I am Albert Spica and I have a heart of gold and a great deal of money to match.
And you are Roy, who's got absolutely nothing, except what you owe me.
You are humiliated in front of a lady, you're humiliated in front of us.
Georgina, I'll be as quick as I possibly can.
Gah... You, go and get me some hot water, eh? And a towel and soap.
Now...
Yeah.
Now I've given you a good dinner and you can have a nice drink.
Now, you behave yourself in future and pay when I ask you.
No, no, no... Or next time I'll make you eat your own shit
after forcing it through your dick like toothpaste.
No, put that away, Spangler. Cor blimey, there's a lady present.
She doesn't want to see your shrivelled contributions.
Ah.
That's it. Thank you very much. Nice, clean...
Give me that towel!
Give me that. Yeah.
I never liked that Chinese food but looking at you now, I like it even less.
Righto, boys!
We must surprise Richard on our anniversary.
Bring the letters.
Georgie, you got ash on your tits. If you're gonna wear black, don't smoke.
You look like a tart in black. It's blue.
It's black, and don't smoke. It's sloppy in a woman.
No one who's going to eat smokes.
It ruins your taste buds, burns your tongue and makes your pee stink.
Rubbish. It's not bloody rubbish.
I've smelt the loo after you've been piddling in there.
When are you gonna learn, smartarse?
Have mercy upon me
Come on, hurry up, boys.
...upon me
Righto, lads, get them numbers up there - Spica & Boarst.
Blot out my transgressions
Purge me with hyssop
And I shall be clean
Wash me
And I shall be whiter than snow
Where's Richard?
He's plucking. He's plucking, eh? Richard!
Where are you? Stop that plucking. Where are you?
Now what's that? A-S-P...
That's nonsense. Spell it right, for Christ's sake.
Bloody hell. Richard! Rich... Ah!
There you are, Richard. Now...
Leave that out and come and see what I've got you, eh?
I've brought you a present. This is our anniversary.
Three months of mutual understanding, eh, Richard?
Three months since I first invited you to be my favourite restaurateur.
Mr Spica, this is a duck.
Ducks are born with the feathers on
but it's your dinner, Mr Spica.
If you want the feathers to remain, we could try the dish,
I suppose, by leaving the feathers as they are.
Canard en ses plumes torche.
Mitchel, you mule.
'Ere, Richard, come and see, come on.
Please, I beg you. Ha! Come on.
Georgina, how many times have I told you? No smoking in the kitchen.
Mitchel, get your arse down here quick. Come on.
Now, Richard, this is your...well, our new sign.
Da-da-da-da-da-da!
Wallop!
Oh, God!
Richard.
It's dark in the restaurant. Yes, Phillipe.
Thanks to Mr Spica's generosity, it is dark everywhere.
No power, no light.
Were you thinking of a cold buffet tonight? But I don't want a cold buffet.
Paté d'alouettes with a chicory sauce. Paté d'alouettes with a chicory sauce.
Terrine de caneton. Terrine de canton.
Cold turkey with lemon and basilica. Cold turkey with the lemon and basilica.
Anchovies in garlic vinegar.
It doesn't have to be cold, you've got gas, for God's sake!
Got an arse on her like two greased watermelons in a sack.
Cold chicken, paté d'alouettes,
salade de langoustine, gâteau de carottes et Gruyére...
You. You put them electrics right, Mitchel. Put them electrics right or...
You don't eat.
I told you not to smoke.
I should stand still, Mr Spica. Or who knows?
You might spoil something, put your foot in something.
So, a hot meal for tonight. Something special, please. How about some...
some, er, les oh d'oeuvres, er, gâteau au poivres,
er, terrine et fillet lamb et poison au er, poi, poi...
It's "poisson". What did you say, Georgie?
What did you say? What did you say?
Poisson.
Well, Mr Spica, I hope you are hungry. Always. Get in there, boys.
Go on, Georgie, go in there, raise your skirts and warm my seat.
Eh, what do you think then, eh? What do you...?
If you spent as much money on the meal, Mr Spica,
as you waste on the decor,
your taste in good food must surely improve.
You'll cheek me once too often, Boarst. You rely on me, don't forget.
Without me, you, a foreigner, you wouldn't last long around here.
Look out there, see what I've brought you.
Two vans full of good stuff, just right for your kitchen.
I would not touch it. Why on earth not?
I insist on buying my own food, Mr Spica.
Then I can be sure of its quality.
I represent quality round here, my name is known for it.
I offer quality and protection.
Protection against what, I wonder, Mr Spica? And whom?
Protection, Boarst, against the rash temper of my men.
Against a sudden arrival of food poisoning.
Against rats. Against the public health inspector.
If you are hungry tonight, you are going to have to wait.
Do up the third button of your expensive jacket, Mr Spica.
You'll feel less empty inside, Mr Spica.
You can't make me wait.
Deliver me
From blood-guiltiness
O God
My tongue shall sing aloud
Of Thy righteousness
Have mercy upon me
Blot out my transgressions
O Lord, open Thou my lips
And my mouth
Shall show forth Thy praise
And my mouth
Shall show forth Thy praise
And my mouth
Shall show forth Thy praise
And my mouth
Shall show forth Thy praise
No, you don't eat it like that! Let me show you.
Oh. lmagine you are sucking the little fingers of a lady or...
No, you'd never get that close to a lady. Who'd wanna get that close to you?
I wouldn't be interested in her fingers. I'd expect you to say that.
You'd just whip it in, whip it out and wipe it on yourjacket.
Look at yourjacket, it's like a pig field.
And your nails could do with a clean. Show me.
Gawd. Why can't I have some bloody quality in my associates?
From now on, anyone not properly dressed for dinner will pay for it.
I'll write lessons down for you. Georgina can type them out.
"Notes For Gourmets". That's French for a good eater, isn't it, Boarst?
Gourmets don't belch. On the contrary, on the contrary. They do.
It shows that you are enjoying a meal.
Not with your fingers, Spangler! That's all you understand -
things you eat with your hands whilst walking down the street.
You told Mews to eat the celery with his fingers.
That's different, you dope. And it's asparagus, not celery.
What's the point of sinking thousands into a restaurant if you refuse to eat properly?
Tell him, Georgina. Tell him what?
Just copy Georgina. She knows how to do it. Cory, get Richard in here.
I want my sign fixed up and put on that wall over the kitchen door.
If Richard was more interested in slogans, he'd make more money, eh?
This place is too dark.
Could do with a respray. Gold, it needs more gold.
How about gold and blue?
What do you think, Henry? 10,000 should do it two months' takings.
You should get in there. Boarst's prices are all over the place.
His head's in the clouds. Good cook. Brilliant cook!
Except he puts mushrooms on everything. Henry, put that cigarette out.
Do you mind if I eat whilst you smoke?
Gordon choked on a cigarette whilst eating - burnt his epiglottis.
Mitchel, you've got one. And you don't keep it in your trousers.
You don't put orange rind on the edge of your plate, it goes there, you dolt!
What you've got to realise is that a clever cook puts unlikely things together
like duck and orange, like pineapple and ham.
It's called artistry.
I'm an artist, the way I combine my business and my pleasure.
Money's my business, eating's my pleasure.
And Georgie's my pleasure too, though in a more private kind of way
than stuffing the mouth and feeding the sewers.
Though the pleasures are related,
because the naughty bits and the dirty bits are so close together
that itjust goes to show how eating and sex are related.
Georgie's naughty bits are nicely related, aren't they?
Especially when she's paying me attention. Georgie.
Get Phillipe! In future, I want my napkins folded at home, Georgina. Get Adele to teach you.
Spangler, get up and get Phillipe.
Bring Richard here, I've got to make him a proposition.
Get Adele to get that water with the angostura bitters in it
and some lemon in the water and a bowl of ice water for me fingers...
Henry! Give me those glasses off that table. And the flowers.
This should look the most important table here.
I like a load of glasses around, it highers the tone.
What's that? For Madame Spica, compliments of the house.
She's no Madame. Why haven't I got one?
I doubt, Mr Spica, if you'll like it. Try me.
We have grown accustomed to you being a conservative eater.
That's not true. I'm as adventurous as the next.
Your wife has an excellent palate, Mr Spica.
It is always a pleasure for us to serve her.
I want one of those hot, damp towels, Richard, served to me with tongs.
Adele is no good with cash and figures. She's just decorative, all lips and tits.
We'll replace her. Can I do the replacing?
Stuff your mouth, Mitchel. Every time you open it, you just show how vulgar you can be.
Georgina! Welcome back.
Did you wipe the seat before you parked your bum?
You never know what you can catch these days. Every toilet seat is a minefield.
That's for you. Richard thought I might like to taste it, personal compliments of the chef.
Eat it. I didn't fancy it, it smelt off.
lris got a canker on her bum from sitting on a loo seat.
The mechanic across the road poured battery acid down the WC to clear it.
Some of it splashed on the seat. lris ran screaming into the street,
her backside hissing.
She hasn't been the same since.
She strips the same but never with her back to the audience.
She had to change her act. Now it's more full-frontal.
Where are you going? I left my lighter in the toilet.
Gawd's sake. You don't need it. I need it.
Richard, I'm going to ban smoking in here. Tomorrow, the signs are going up.
You want to thicken your French accent up a bit, mate,
like you've just come over from Paris.
Give them a bit of that ooh-la-la stuff. Bit more of that "parlez-vous français?"
Then you would not understand me, Mr Spica.
I don't know. I've always been able to understand French letters.
Georgina!
What the hell are you doing in here?
Georgina?
You've been in here for ages. What are you doing, having a baby?
I'm, er, I'm just...
I'm just having a quiet smoke. Smoke?
You know how you hate me smoking at the table.
Gawd's sake, Georgina.
Why tell me lies about a lost lighter?
I didn't, I left it here on the ledge in front of the mirror.
I'll be out in a few moments.
Don't hang around the ladies, you'll embarrass the customers.
Show me the lighter.
There.
Do you want a cigarette as well?
Don't be so bloody stupid.
What are you doing in there, Georgina, eh?
You playing with yourself?
That's not allowed, that's my property. You're not allowed to fiddle with it.
Shut up, Albert. Let me in, I'll show you how to wipe yourself.
Go away. I'll be out in a minute.
Well, don't be long.
I'll order you some gâteau aux poivres.
Some profiteroles.
And wash your hands.
You don't know the women who use this place.
You took your time.
I thought you'd like me to wait for you.
You smell nice and sweaty.
Wash your hands, I'll give you a kiss.
You know what they say about men who hang around ladies' lavatories?
What do they say about men who hang around ladies' lavatories?
They're asking to have their illusions shattered. Yeah.
You hold no illusions for me, Georgie, eh?
No stone's been left unturned.
Look, just go order my profiteroles, will you?
Come on.
I think these Ethiopians like starving.
It keeps them slim and graceful, with those big heads and dreamy eyes. You know those kids.
You're sick. I might well be if you're being so priggish.
What do you know, Georgina, about the starving? You can have anything you want.
Where you been? You're late. It's Friday night. There's a lot of money about.
A decent man needs gloves to touch this stuff. Let's have a look.
That's just what this restaurant needs.
Start laying them out.
What's the matter, Mitchel? Don't you like mussels?
You got to learn to like them if you're going to eat with me.
Don't you dare throw up in here!
Or I'll get Spangler to stuff 'em back down your throat.
From the Malay restaurant. The food poisoning scared them, they're paying up.
I'm sure they don't need our assistance with that.
That stuff they eat, they'd poison themselves with it.
Some of them Indians are well known for drinking their own pee.
The same water would go round and round.
Of course, you're bound to lose some through evaporation.
Then you'd have to top it up. Whose pee would you drink first?
Erm... Me, I'd have a ready supply, wouldn't I?
Georgie and I have our little sessions when we...
Good God, what have you got there?
Even you are getting compliments from the chef, are you?
Being a guinea pig for a Boarst experiment, are we?
Good God, looks like, er, food for constipated French rabbits.
Albert, why don't you order me some chianti? You know I like chianti.
In the bottle with the wrapping around it.
Then I can take it home and hang it on the wall.
Grace, haven't you got enough of them already? No.
Where the hell are you going?
To the toilet. You haven't had anything to drink yet.
She's got a bladder like a leaky marrow. Don't be long!
You've upset her. Rubbish.
Don't be long! You're so talkative tonight, we couldn't stand the silence without you.
Wash your hands!
Questo, questo. Cazzo.
Dove hai imparato a cucinare? É velenoso.
Vieni qua.
That's off!
Uh.
This custard's salty. It is sauce Hollandaise.
Can I help you, Mr Spica?
I've come about those special complimentary dishes.
In future, all the guests at my table shall receive them.
Why is my fish taking so long?
You can carry it in yourself, if you like, Mr Spica.
What are you looking for? Nothing. You bring it.
You would not be looking for your wife? No, of course not.
Mr Spica, I have something to show you.
What is this? New cutlery. Give your restaurant some style.
I brought in 300 sets. My men are just re-laying the tables.
Not very good quality, Mr Spica.
You could use them at home, Mr Spica.
All 300 of them.
Where have you been? Wiping your bum?
Did you use your left hand like I showed you?
Where'd you get this stuff, Mews? It's rubbish, falling apart.
Take 'em back. Get a 150 percent refund. God.
What are you eating, Georgie? Not much.
Ha! I see others here get the same special attentions.
What is it? Looks like some sort of...watery salade.
That's not up to much.
Expensive, no doubt, but not fattening.
You've got to keep your strength up, you're looking peaky.
Kidneys, liver, iron, that's what you need.
Do you know a cow drinks its own weight in water twice a week?
For milk, you see, because a cow's got great big tits.
Just like you, eh, Georgie?
You gentlemen will have to take it for granted because
for some reason best known to herself,
she's left her bra off.
Have you, Cory, ever tasted human milk?
I mean recently. All them years ago don't count.
You couldn't really appreciate what you were enjoying then, could you?
I bet human milk's a great delicacy in some countries. It ought to be here.
Do you know, Cory, who could supply us with some human milk?
Warm, straight from the receptacle, so to speak?
Don'tjoke! It's a precious commodity, not a joking matter!
Georgie wouldn'tjoke about it, would you?
Would you, Georgie?
Ah. You're a credit to women. You could show these young women a thing or two.
You could teach these young men a thing or two. Take Mitchel.
On second thoughts, don't, cos he's a crude little bugger.
Then how come you haven't got any kids? Kids?
Who needs kids? Who wants kids?
I want kids.
We'll have kids one day, won't we, eh?
When you're bloody old and grey, most like!
Yeah. Your trouble is you don't eat properly.
You should drink more water and eat more kidneys
and then you might bloody well have a bloody baby someday.
Georgie doesn't like babies, do you?
You know, sometimes, Georgie, I think you behave like a bloke.
What days are those, then, Albert?
What's it like? You what?
Get away from this table, you mucky little wimp!
Go and eat your vegetable soup in the kitchen, you dirty little pervert!
Go on, get on with your eating, eh?
It's only Mitchel making a fool of himself.
Now, stand in the corner. Cory, make him a paper hat.
Stand in the corner like a naughty little boy.
Stand there. Take your knife and fork with you.
Don't be stupid. Do you want to join him?
Leave him alone. He's only copying you like he always does. You behave, he'll behave.
I'm leaving. Yes, we are leaving.
Gracie, here. Pay the bill and take a taxi.
Yeah. Georgie and I might go for a little drive.
It's our wedding anniversary tomorrow.
Might drive down to the sea,
have some fun under the pier like we used to.
Oops. I am sorry.
Still, this isn't a library, it's a restaurant.
They got people for that.
Richard.
This needs cooking. Grill it with some mashed peas.
Wash me thoroughly
From my iniquity
And cleanse me....
What's a young lad like you doing washing dishes?
That's woman's work, ain't you got what it takes? Hey!
My God, armour plating. You protect yourself, son, you need it.
Innocence. That's what I had before I met Georgie.
That's just what they want. Albert. Come on, you're drunk.
Come on! Shall I sing for you?
What? Albert, come on, he's only a child.
Sing for me, yes. Yes, you can sing for me.
Get up there. You sing, yeah.
I was a good singer when I was a little boy, wasn't I, Georgie?
Come on, now. You sing to me. Eh?
Come on. Sing, damn you!
Wash me thoroughly
From my iniquity
And cleanse.... You can't keep it up, can you? No.
I was a choirboy once.
Yes. Women like choirboys.
I was almost a choirboy when I met Georgie.
But you spoilt all that, didn't you?
Georgie was a very good education, she could teach a young man anything.
Come on, Georgie, show the young boy what you showed me.
Albert. Go on, show the little boy...
Albert! You do what I tell you, will you?
You come out in that car park with me, both of you. Come on.
Out in the car park. Come on.
I'll give you the best education, show you what a great teacher Georgie can be.
Don't touch him!
Leave him alone. I'll show you what a great teacher...
Oh, I see. So I'm not supposed to do that? I'll give you an education.
Albert, please leave him alone. Oh, no.
Stand there and don't you move.
Just leave him be. Watch this.
No. Wait till we get home, Albert. Georgie. Georgie, come here.
Right. What's all this? You're not wearing any bloody knickers.
You've been sitting in that restaurant with no knickers on?
With Cory and Mitchel and all those people? What's this mean?
Where are they? Give them to me at once.
Go on. Look at this. Get in that car, you dirty whore.
Why don't you take everything off?
Get in there. Go on! Get in that car!
Now you! You get in there as well. No!
Go on. Get in there. Get in. No! Please!
No! No! No! Get in there! Get in.
Aah! Ah!
Right...
No!
Wash me thoroughly
From my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sins
Have mercy upon me....
I have two minutes.
Purge me with hyssop
And I shall be
Clean
Wash me
And I shall be whiter than snow
Make me to hear
Thy joy and gladness
That the bones
That Thou hast broken may rejoice
Do you know, Mitchel, what prairie oysters are?
Fish.
So if someone feeds you a prairie oyster, what would you be eating?
Fish. Like from the lakes and that. They're the...
The clams with the little pearls in.
Prairie oysters would be very precious to their owners. No.
No, look. lmagine...
Just imagine that this is a prairie oyster.
Now, go on. Eat that. Go on. Put it in your mouth. Go on. Go on.
Now, what's it taste like?
Wet bread. No.
It's all squishy with gritty bits in it.
That's the sand.
That's the sand. You're a comic.
No, you mule. It's got a skin round it.
Do you spit the skin out? No.
Pick it out of your teeth afterwards, chump it up.
Now, swallow that, go on, swallow it. Swallow it.
Go on, that's right.
Now, Mitchel, you have just eaten a sheep's bollock.
The next time I ask you to work for me, Mitchel,
I'll be expecting you to chew someone's bollocks off on demand.
Oh, you're back.
What do you find in that toilet that's so fascinating? I'll go and have a pee and a look.
What have they got since I was last in there? Velvet seats, dirty pictures? Hah.
Free perfume? A private drinks bar?
Cor, what a disgusting smell in here!
Must be the pigs using it, eh? How disgusting it is.
Ha! Urgh, how horrible. Disgusting.
Revolting place, needs airing out. What's this?
Gaw, phwoar, phwoar...
Look. "There was a young man from Uckinham who got caught while he was..."
That is disgusting! People ought to be locked up for that.
Absolutely appalling. Not what I'm used to at all.
It's disgraceful. Don't you reckon, don't you think?
Yes. God.
'Ere, what are you looking at? What are you talking about?
Don't pretend. You're waiting for my young associates, aren't you?
A man ought to be able to piss without harassment.
How dare you? I'm getting the manager. I am the manager.
And you are out on the street. Caught loitering in a toilet.
Ow! Yeah.
That's what these people need. Short, sharp, shock treatment.
Hello. What are you doing? Reading again?
This is not a library. The only thing you're allowed to read in here is the menu.
You are insulting the chef.
Reading gives you indigestion, didn't you know that?
Don't read at the table.
I've just been reading stuff to make your hair curl.
Out there, in the toilet.
That's the sort of stuff people read, not this.
Don't you feel out of touch?
Does this stuff make money?
You know, I bet you're the only man who's read this book.
But I bet you every man here has read that stuff out there.
It makes you think, doesn't it?
You know, I reckon you read because you got nobody to talk to.
I tell you what. So you shouldn't eat alone, why don't you come and join us?
Come and meet my wife.
She's seen you. I know she's sorry for you sitting here all alone.
She likes to read too. She spends hours sitting on the bed reading.
She even reads on the john.
This is Cory.
This is Mitchel. He can't read, can you, Mitchel?
Yes, I can. Yeah. Comics and dirty magazines.
And this is Georgina. She is my wife.
What's your name?
Michael. Well, Michael. Is that a Jewish name, Michael?
Do you eat kosher food, Michael? Sit down, Michael, and tell us all about kosher food, Michael.
I'm sorry but I'm not Jewish. Why hide it?
60 percent of the people in this restaurant are a touch Jewish, Michael.
Richard, set another place for Michael.
He is Jewish, so maybe you could find him some spare ribs. No pork.
He won't need those. We're going to hold a conversation, aren't we?
You can start, Georgie. Tell Michael all about yourself.
I'm sure your wife would rather eat in peace. No. Talk, Georgina.
Here's your chance to improve your table conversation.
Tell Michael you live in a big house
and you spend £400 a week on clothes.
I spend £400 a week on clothes.
You have a petrol allowance of £40 a week.
I have a petrol allowance of £40 a week, which I never use.
You wear beautiful things. I wear beautiful things.
You eat in the best restaurants. I eat in the best restaurants.
Georgina, try a little harder, please.
I go to a good hairdresser. Yes, the best there is.
I go to a good dentist. Yes, yeah, oh, yeah. He's Jewish.
I go to a good gynaecologist. You what?
Who says it's unlikely I'll ever have a baby. Michael doesn't want to know that.
That the three miscarriages have ruined my insides.
That isn't true, Michael doesn't need to know that.
Now, drink up, Michael, let's talk about you. What do you do?
I'm a gynaecologist.
You're a what? You could always come and see me.
We don't need to discuss that subject.
Being infertile makes me a safe bet for a good screw.
Shut up, Georgie!
I must apologise for my wife, Michael.
If you don't get back to your table, you're in danger of losing it.
The place gets very full about now.
Mitchel, take Michael back to his table. Tell him about horses.
Oh, it's all right, Mr Spica, thank you.
I prefer to read my book.
Besides, I've finished. Thank you.
Thank you for introducing me to your wife.
I like your name.
Sub By 'Partha Pratim Das'(INDIA)