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♪♪
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*THE SIMPSONS*
Season 29 Episode 08
Title: "Mr. Lisa's Opus"
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D'oh!
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- Here's your raise.
- D'oh!
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♪♪
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Light! Light! Light...!
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Light!
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- It's your turn to get up.
- Light.
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Oh. I'll never understand
how something
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that came from inside of you
became my responsibility.
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- Mm.
- Out!
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Light!
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Daddy. Breakfast.
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Geez, this kid's kind of smart.
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Tuesday.
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Au-Autumn.
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- She's a genius.
- Foliage.
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Like the guy who invented
shoes with lights in them.
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Cornucopia?
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Aw, sweetie, it's no surprise
you're awesome.
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We didn't have to pull you out
by the elbow, like the boy.
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Mwah.
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D'oh!
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Harvard College, admissions essay.
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Lisa M. Simpson.
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I was born with one
great advantage in life...
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A voice that would make a rhino
stick its horn up its butt?
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Rhinos are extinct, nimrod.
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Not hippos. I just saw one
in smelly, blue pants.
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Why you little...
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I'm not little.
I'm 20, and I live at home.
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- Oh, man.
- Why you disappointing...
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You know you're choking
someone who can vote.
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- But did you vote?
- No.
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- Why you little...
- Oh, come on,
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- man.
- not voting fascist- nabling...
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Must stop
President Kid Rock.
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I was born
with one great advantage,
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a family that never made
anything easy.
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Never more than on my
seventh birthday.
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It's my birthday!
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Seven years old!
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I'll wear my favorite blue dress.
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I'll wear red, just for today.
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It's my birthday.
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I want bacon!
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Shh!
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I can't get Maggie to sleep.
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I guess I'll just have
to start using these.
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_
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Whoa, okay, okay.
That's enough for now.
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Geez, come on.
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Don't make me put you
under warm water.
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I give up.
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Anyone have anything
to say to me?
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Well, of course, honey.
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Get ready for school or
you'll be late.
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Oy, this baby.
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Lisa, sweetie, I know
why you're excited.
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This is a very big day.
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Happy...
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hour at Moe's was
extended by an hour.
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- Wh-What?
- Mwah.
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♪ Happy hour at Moe's ♪
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♪ Now he'll never close. ♪
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Class, today is a very
special day.
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It's someone's birthday.
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Someone whose parents
pretended to forget.
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Yes.
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And that someone is...
Hubert Wong.
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Happy birthday, superstar.
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Lisa, please don't ruin
Hubert's birthday.
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You wouldn't like it
if someone ruined yours.
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I am sorry, but if you
can't control yourself,
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I'll have to send you to the office.
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But you saying that makes me
wants to cry more.
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Mmm!
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No, Hubert. No cupcake for her.
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Lisa, school is a place
for sitting quietly.
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What about learning?
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No longer part of our mandate.
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Did your mom ever
disappoint you?
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This isn't about mother,
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so don't say a mother
word about her.
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Don't you dare, Mother,
don't you dare.
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Ah. It's just me, a student.
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I can't hear you, Mother.
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She's everywhere and everyone.
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I'm everywhere because you're nothing.
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Thanks for getting me
out of work, sweetie.
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- Want the rest of my donut?
- No, sir.
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What?
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Aw, please tell me what's wrong.
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I can't tell you. You just have to know.
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- Would tickling help matters?
- No.
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Well, that's really
all I have in my toolbox.
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Okay, let me think.
What's today? Tuesday?
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- Yes.
- That would make you
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six years
and 365 days old.
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Yes.
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It's your birthday!
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And you forgot it, Lisa.
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But because it's your birthday,
I forgive you.
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And you're gonna have the best day ever.
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Optimism, you're back.
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Attention, world.
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It's little Lisa's birthday,
and you all forgot.
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Not me.
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Now I suppose I got to get
your kid something.
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Just remember them
in your prayers.
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Both of them?
Fine.
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♪ Happy birthday, dear Lisa ♪
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♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
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♪ We all forgot. ♪
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And all was well, until the next year,
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when they forgot again.
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I mean, really, two in a row?
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Even Luigi remembers it.
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Well, we have-a the
same-a birthday.
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Makes it easy. You, me, and Hubert Wong.
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That's a-right, Hubert. Cupcake for her.
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As I got older
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I realized, as all must,
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that my parents were not demigods.
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You are going to die soon.
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Shut up.
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You are going to die soon.
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Shut up.
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Blood pressure spiking.
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Shut up!
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Calling your doctor.
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Hello?
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Shut up!
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No, they are a man and a woman
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trapped in a fragile marriage
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that nearly fell apart
when I turned 14.
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Happy birthday! Happy birthday!
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I remembered! Don't tell your therapist.
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♪ Lisa, it's your birthday ♪
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♪ Here's five brand-new verses ♪
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♪ Soon you'll be a woman ♪
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♪ Soon you'll be in love ♪
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♪ Who'd be better to take advice from ♪
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♪ Than a man who wears one glove? ♪
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Hee-hee!
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♪ Lisa, it's your birthday ♪
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♪ Happy birthday, Lisa ♪
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♪ Lisa, it's your birthday ♪
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♪ Happy birthday, Lisa. ♪
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- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
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Thank you. It's a wonderful cake, Dad,
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but I'm 14.
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D'oh!
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Happy birthday, Lisa.
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We miss you in second grade.
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Oh, someday you'll
get out of there, Ralph.
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I don't want to.
I'm bigger than teacher.
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I broke my desk. Teacher cry.
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I'm growing a mustache
under my long nose.
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Better use Mom's closet.
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Oof. It's full?
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Read me. Read me.
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Come on, help a letter out.
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"Dear Homer,
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By the time you read this..."
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I will be gone.
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Since we married, you've changed.
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Not once for the better.
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What's it say? I can't read.
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So I'm taking
the kids and opening
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a bed-and-breakfast.
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Speaking German...
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Bitterly, Marge.
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Is Mom really leaving Dad?
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So, you finally left him.
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Well, good for me and good for you.
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I finally learned how
to unhook a bra with one hand.
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Lisa, I know what you're doing.
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You're hiding when you're
supposed to help me
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give the dog a bath.
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Mom, Mom!
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Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I'm not going anywhere.
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Oh, God bless you, inertia.
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Not until I wash this dog.
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Bart, Mom's leaving Dad.
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Oh, the poor guy.
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Please let me tell him, please.
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Pass the gravy.
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We used to call it "grave,"
but that was too scary.
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So we modified it to "gravy,"
unless it had meat chunks.
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In which case, it was "gravier,"
but the war changed everything.
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Ugh.
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I wish you wouldn't drink
so much in front of the kids.
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Marge, I tried to drink in
the pantry,
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but you claim that's antisocial.
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Ugh. Why don't you just
go to Moe's?
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You want me to go to a bar
on my daughter's birthday?
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That is so messed up.
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I'm going, of course,
but it is so messed up.
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Happy birthday.
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Harvard will save me.
Harvard will save me.
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Kiss me, Lisa, in front of
the hall my grandfather endowed.
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He made his money in opium,
but we said it was molasses.
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First, I have to save
my parents' marriage.
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Wait here in this fantasy?
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00:10:16,774 --> 00:10:19,810
Yeah, can we, um, you know,
see other people?
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Sure.
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00:10:37,897 --> 00:10:40,272
Man, Moe, you sure are spry.
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The job keeps me young, eh.
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00:10:47,884 --> 00:10:50,257
Dad! Mom is gonna leave you.
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00:10:50,335 --> 00:10:52,913
Sweetie, marriages
are like water heaters...
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00:10:52,971 --> 00:10:54,843
they sit peacefully for years
213
00:10:54,901 --> 00:10:58,764
until they explode in a fireball
ruining everything you own.
214
00:10:58,822 --> 00:11:00,288
Mom packed her bags.
215
00:11:00,425 --> 00:11:03,135
Which suitcase?
The one with the broken wheel?
216
00:11:03,193 --> 00:11:05,577
Because she won't get more than
a block away with that.
217
00:11:05,635 --> 00:11:07,100
She fixed the wheel.
218
00:11:07,158 --> 00:11:08,198
Oh, God!
219
00:11:10,577 --> 00:11:12,483
- Dad, you've got to shape up.
- Hmm?
220
00:11:12,541 --> 00:11:14,009
I'm 14-years-old.
221
00:11:14,420 --> 00:11:17,222
These next four years
are the last memories I'll have
222
00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:18,647
of all of us together.
223
00:11:18,705 --> 00:11:20,172
I'll do anything you say, sweetie.
224
00:11:20,230 --> 00:11:22,232
I want you to stop drinking.
225
00:11:22,306 --> 00:11:23,474
Stop drinking?
226
00:11:23,532 --> 00:11:26,368
But that's like asking a golfer
to stop drinking.
227
00:11:27,256 --> 00:11:28,632
I never thought I'd say this,
228
00:11:28,690 --> 00:11:30,850
but I'd better text my sponsor.
229
00:11:30,908 --> 00:11:32,275
Homer's got a sponsor?
230
00:11:32,333 --> 00:11:35,135
Uh, what idiot would lean
into that buzz saw?
231
00:11:35,193 --> 00:11:37,863
Hey, hey! I'm the man from A-diddly-A!
232
00:11:37,975 --> 00:11:40,733
Ned, I have to quit drinking. Now!
233
00:11:40,835 --> 00:11:43,691
All right, soberino,
it's just 12 simple steps.
234
00:11:43,749 --> 00:11:45,093
Oh, 12?
235
00:11:45,163 --> 00:11:46,585
Fine. Nine.
236
00:11:46,643 --> 00:11:47,686
Oh!
237
00:11:47,780 --> 00:11:50,077
Okay, step one:
Admit you're powerless.
238
00:11:50,178 --> 00:11:52,041
I'm powerless. Boom!
Done.
239
00:11:52,108 --> 00:11:55,405
Step two: Admit there is a power
greater than yourself.
240
00:11:55,525 --> 00:11:59,085
Um, if I'm powerless, isn't
every power greater than myself?
241
00:11:59,147 --> 00:12:01,389
This is the 12 steps,
not 20 questions.
242
00:12:01,499 --> 00:12:04,220
Now, make a decision
to turn your life to God.
243
00:12:04,615 --> 00:12:07,957
God. He's in every
deal, like undercoating. Fine.
244
00:12:08,093 --> 00:12:10,159
Make a searching
moral inventory of yourself.
245
00:12:10,226 --> 00:12:13,963
If I have one tiny flaw, it's
that I have many enormous flaws.
246
00:12:14,030 --> 00:12:15,497
Admit the nature of your wrongs.
247
00:12:15,564 --> 00:12:18,030
Well, I'm not the best parallel parker.
248
00:12:18,088 --> 00:12:21,492
Are you ready for God
to remove these defects?
249
00:12:21,550 --> 00:12:23,792
Dear Lord,
the Satan of Heaven,
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I order you to fix me.
251
00:12:25,463 --> 00:12:27,339
Okay, I'm just gonna
fast-forward through this.
252
00:12:27,397 --> 00:12:28,972
- Make amends.
- Here's your wallet.
253
00:12:29,030 --> 00:12:30,797
- Engage in prayer.
- I pray you're not mad.
254
00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:32,681
And have a spiritual awakening.
255
00:12:34,537 --> 00:12:36,891
Things that cost $9.99
256
00:12:37,023 --> 00:12:38,977
are really ten dollars!
257
00:12:39,035 --> 00:12:41,971
The Lord has spoken, and it is good!
258
00:12:42,132 --> 00:12:44,055
That's it. No more drinking.
259
00:12:44,406 --> 00:12:46,398
Look at those, guys.
260
00:12:46,563 --> 00:12:48,172
I used to be like them.
261
00:12:48,729 --> 00:12:50,471
Oh, I'm overjoyed for thee.
262
00:12:50,565 --> 00:12:53,289
Call me anytime you hear
the devil's seductive voice.
263
00:12:53,359 --> 00:12:54,423
Homer?
264
00:12:54,546 --> 00:12:55,947
Homer...
265
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:58,219
Homer...
266
00:12:58,277 --> 00:13:01,992
How's about a Flaming Moe?
267
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:05,290
Drink me!
268
00:13:05,414 --> 00:13:08,867
I'm the most overpriced thing
at Universal Studios!
269
00:13:09,009 --> 00:13:10,978
No! I won't do it!
270
00:13:15,110 --> 00:13:18,812
Lisa, sweetie,
let's celebrate your birthday!
271
00:13:18,894 --> 00:13:19,963
Yes!
272
00:13:20,198 --> 00:13:21,731
Ah, honey.
273
00:13:21,798 --> 00:13:23,094
I'm so sorry.
274
00:13:23,157 --> 00:13:24,813
I miss you so much.
275
00:13:26,500 --> 00:13:28,451
He did quit, for good,
276
00:13:28,605 --> 00:13:32,073
and it was the best
birthday present I ever got.
277
00:13:32,138 --> 00:13:34,641
Well, the essay is pretty trite.
278
00:13:34,793 --> 00:13:37,628
But her grades are perfect,
her extracurricular's stellar,
279
00:13:37,748 --> 00:13:40,175
and she'll be the first
from her state, ever.
280
00:13:40,272 --> 00:13:43,015
Admit! And now
for our instantaneous letter
281
00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:44,573
of acceptance.
282
00:13:48,667 --> 00:13:51,593
I'm in! And I accept!
283
00:13:51,737 --> 00:13:53,378
♪♪
284
00:14:07,644 --> 00:14:12,183
I'm here! And it's Ivy-er
than my Ivy-est dreams.
285
00:14:12,535 --> 00:14:14,737
- Lisa Simpson.
- Lisa Simpson?
286
00:14:14,839 --> 00:14:17,800
Hmm, I'm sorry,
but there must be some mistake.
287
00:14:17,858 --> 00:14:19,917
- Oh, no!
- Ha! Gotcha!
288
00:14:20,087 --> 00:14:22,022
My one moment of superiority
289
00:14:22,145 --> 00:14:24,573
before a lifetime
of begging you for money.
290
00:14:30,862 --> 00:14:33,855
Come on, sweetie, let me
carry you over the threshold.
291
00:14:33,913 --> 00:14:37,308
Dad!
That's for weddings.
292
00:14:37,366 --> 00:14:39,253
I think Dad's turning into Grampa.
293
00:14:39,388 --> 00:14:40,556
Hey, I don't need
294
00:14:40,663 --> 00:14:42,027
to listen to that hooey!
295
00:14:42,084 --> 00:14:45,133
Because I make tie clips
out of maple syrup,
296
00:14:45,191 --> 00:14:47,425
but only for Flag Day!
297
00:14:47,592 --> 00:14:49,534
♪ By the sea, by the sea ♪
298
00:14:49,592 --> 00:14:51,331
♪ By the beautiful sea... ♪
299
00:14:51,459 --> 00:14:54,433
This is great... we don't have
to visit Grampa anymore.
300
00:15:02,823 --> 00:15:05,054
Chug, chug, chug.
301
00:15:05,112 --> 00:15:07,447
Really, man, I've had enough.
302
00:15:07,605 --> 00:15:10,691
The hazing
ends when we say it ends.
303
00:15:10,788 --> 00:15:12,605
Do you need any help
unpacking?
304
00:15:12,796 --> 00:15:16,537
Mom, I need to learn
to do these things for myself.
305
00:15:22,616 --> 00:15:23,901
Sorry, friend,
306
00:15:23,959 --> 00:15:26,193
you can't pahk your cah in Hahvahd Yahd.
307
00:15:27,871 --> 00:15:30,107
I can't what my what in what what what?
308
00:15:30,165 --> 00:15:31,701
You can't pahk...
309
00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:33,883
- Yes...?
- In Hahvahd Yahd.
310
00:15:33,950 --> 00:15:36,652
- Are you on Novocain?
- Yes, but recreationally.
311
00:15:36,719 --> 00:15:38,482
Now, move your craptastic cah.
312
00:15:40,990 --> 00:15:42,424
Hi. I'm Caitlyn.
313
00:15:42,482 --> 00:15:44,201
Ha. My roommate.
314
00:15:44,282 --> 00:15:46,302
So, you play an instrument?
315
00:15:46,474 --> 00:15:47,584
Bari sax.
316
00:15:47,665 --> 00:15:50,400
- Are you good?
- I played at Kenny G's funeral.
317
00:15:50,603 --> 00:15:52,599
Ooh, she's pretty impressive.
318
00:15:52,748 --> 00:15:55,591
Uh... any childhood heartbreak?
319
00:15:55,656 --> 00:15:58,024
My parents forgot my birthday
three times.
320
00:15:58,162 --> 00:16:00,143
She beats me at everything!
321
00:16:00,201 --> 00:16:01,466
I don't belong here.
322
00:16:01,533 --> 00:16:04,068
While you were feeling inferior,
I took the top bunk.
323
00:16:06,904 --> 00:16:08,705
Stroke, stroke,
324
00:16:08,858 --> 00:16:10,646
stroke, stroke...
325
00:16:10,794 --> 00:16:12,477
I'm not even gonna make it
326
00:16:12,576 --> 00:16:13,794
through freshman week.
327
00:16:13,857 --> 00:16:15,584
- Hey, little sister.
- Well!
328
00:16:15,685 --> 00:16:17,755
At least you're having a good time.
329
00:16:17,813 --> 00:16:19,800
Yeah, these girls want me
to piss off their parents
330
00:16:19,857 --> 00:16:21,169
before they head home.
331
00:16:23,755 --> 00:16:25,224
Get away from him, Mandy!
332
00:16:25,341 --> 00:16:26,877
I'll pay! I'll pay!
333
00:16:26,935 --> 00:16:28,529
Tell him I have two kids.
334
00:16:28,646 --> 00:16:31,169
The beauty part is, it's not a lie.
335
00:16:32,404 --> 00:16:34,732
You always know what to say, Bart.
336
00:16:34,899 --> 00:16:37,541
Well, try this.
I've known you all your life,
337
00:16:37,599 --> 00:16:41,182
and if there's one thing I know,
it's that you belong here.
338
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:42,370
You're gonna study harder,
339
00:16:42,428 --> 00:16:44,005
you're gonna ask better questions,
340
00:16:44,069 --> 00:16:46,224
you're gonna get into
their brains like an earworm
341
00:16:46,282 --> 00:16:48,099
and chew, chew, chew!
342
00:16:49,282 --> 00:16:50,888
Now, make Mom and Dad proud.
343
00:16:50,946 --> 00:16:52,138
And then I'll make 'em proud.
344
00:16:52,196 --> 00:16:53,992
- But you first.
- Thank you.
345
00:17:02,758 --> 00:17:03,938
This is it.
346
00:17:03,996 --> 00:17:06,336
I'm on my own
for the rest of my life.
347
00:17:07,969 --> 00:17:10,189
Huh? Are you my roommate, too?
348
00:17:10,389 --> 00:17:13,500
For now.
Till they kick me out.
349
00:17:13,652 --> 00:17:15,887
Everyone thinks
they're not gonna make it.
350
00:17:16,070 --> 00:17:18,208
I already got kicked out
of a psycho single
351
00:17:18,266 --> 00:17:21,102
'cause my roommate didn't like me.
352
00:17:21,169 --> 00:17:23,774
She used all the "shampoo"!
353
00:17:24,709 --> 00:17:26,271
I just think you're funny.
354
00:17:27,232 --> 00:17:30,030
So I suppose
you want to tell me your SATs.
355
00:17:30,144 --> 00:17:31,880
Very much. But I won't.
356
00:17:31,947 --> 00:17:33,181
Tell me about you.
357
00:17:33,248 --> 00:17:34,539
I'm already homesick.
358
00:17:34,617 --> 00:17:36,392
I was always the kid that
didn't fit in.
359
00:17:36,451 --> 00:17:37,758
Middle child.
360
00:17:38,328 --> 00:17:40,078
Artsy. And I play
361
00:17:40,136 --> 00:17:42,766
the most unpopular
instrument there is:
362
00:17:42,844 --> 00:17:44,555
the jazz clarinet.
363
00:17:44,623 --> 00:17:45,961
Hmm!
364
00:17:47,091 --> 00:17:50,203
♪♪ Playing lively jazz...
365
00:17:50,353 --> 00:17:53,977
♪♪
366
00:17:55,727 --> 00:17:58,016
You know your way
around a licorice stick, kid.
367
00:17:58,099 --> 00:18:01,172
You blow a mean fish hook
yourself, sister!
368
00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:03,696
- Let's talk normal now.
- Thank you.
369
00:18:03,776 --> 00:18:06,216
You know, today
I was hoping I would meet...
370
00:18:06,336 --> 00:18:08,137
- A lifelong friend?
- Yes!
371
00:18:08,236 --> 00:18:09,844
Here I am.
372
00:18:09,992 --> 00:18:11,319
♪♪
373
00:18:11,386 --> 00:18:13,354
730 verbal, 790 math,
374
00:18:13,412 --> 00:18:14,813
800 telekinesis.
375
00:18:17,159 --> 00:18:19,313
740 verbal, 780 math,
376
00:18:19,375 --> 00:18:21,061
and I speak fluent cat!
377
00:18:23,176 --> 00:18:24,710
I have a friend!
378
00:18:25,362 --> 00:18:27,731
Oh. Maybe more than
a friend.
379
00:18:27,947 --> 00:18:30,008
After that day, I never looked back...
380
00:18:30,156 --> 00:18:32,920
except for all the time
I just spent looking back.
381
00:18:33,616 --> 00:18:34,953
But I never doubted
382
00:18:35,011 --> 00:18:36,961
that who I am was good enough.
383
00:18:37,066 --> 00:18:39,821
♪♪ Upbeat smooth jazz playing...
384
00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:44,305
♪♪
385
00:18:45,276 --> 00:18:49,086
♪♪
386
00:18:59,983 --> 00:19:02,230
Light! Light...!
387
00:19:02,383 --> 00:19:04,000
Sweetie, you're one year old,
388
00:19:04,058 --> 00:19:07,164
and you're already the most
amazing thing I ever did.
389
00:19:07,222 --> 00:19:08,823
Daddy happy.
390
00:19:09,105 --> 00:19:11,072
Daddy very happy.
391
00:19:11,258 --> 00:19:14,188
Daddy euphoric!
392
00:19:14,297 --> 00:19:17,115
Aw. She's making up words.
393
00:19:18,906 --> 00:19:22,086
♪ Boy, the way Nirvana played ♪
394
00:19:22,242 --> 00:19:25,492
♪ Steroids caused a hit parade ♪
395
00:19:25,641 --> 00:19:28,997
♪ Beanie Babies had it made ♪
396
00:19:29,055 --> 00:19:32,192
♪ Those were the days ♪
397
00:19:32,250 --> 00:19:35,856
♪ And we had real heroes then ♪
398
00:19:35,914 --> 00:19:40,110
♪ Like Jar Jar Binks ♪
♪ and Qui-Gon Jinn ♪
399
00:19:40,211 --> 00:19:43,122
♪ Mister, we could use a man ♪
400
00:19:43,180 --> 00:19:46,888
♪ Like Richard Simmons again ♪
401
00:19:46,946 --> 00:19:49,969
♪ Watching films like Gilbert Grape ♪
402
00:19:50,039 --> 00:19:53,223
♪ Then rewinding all the tape ♪
403
00:19:53,281 --> 00:19:57,903
♪ Gee, our modem dialed up great ♪
404
00:20:01,024 --> 00:20:07,114
♪ Those were the days... ♪
405
00:20:07,172 --> 00:20:09,617
Very nice. See you in court.
406
00:20:10,038 --> 00:20:13,211
Light! Light! Light...!
407
00:20:13,358 --> 00:20:15,092
Au-Autumn.
408
00:20:15,392 --> 00:20:19,055
♪♪
409
00:20:19,549 --> 00:20:23,203
♪♪
410
00:21:00,287 --> 00:21:03,895
♪♪