1 00:00:07,700 --> 00:00:09,272 D'oh! 2 00:00:14,701 --> 00:00:18,618 Mmm. Paper jam. 3 00:00:18,642 --> 00:00:22,642 ♪ The Simpsons 26x15 ♪ The Princess Guide Original Air Date on March 1, 2015 4 00:00:22,666 --> 00:00:29,166 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 5 00:00:29,216 --> 00:00:32,216 Okay, Dad, I'm ready for Take Your Daughter to Work Day. 6 00:00:32,250 --> 00:00:34,719 How come there's never a Take Your Son to Work Day? 7 00:00:34,753 --> 00:00:38,524 'Cause boys are already on track to get all the good jobs. 8 00:00:38,566 --> 00:00:40,303 The Dirty Dozen? All guys. 9 00:00:40,337 --> 00:00:42,273 Twelve Angry Men? Uh, men! 10 00:00:42,307 --> 00:00:44,211 The X-Men? Mostly men. 11 00:00:45,646 --> 00:00:47,414 Good one, Dad. Yeah. 12 00:00:47,448 --> 00:00:51,089 Well, despite all that, today's going to be fun, Dad! 13 00:00:51,123 --> 00:00:52,923 Will there be lots of other girls there? 14 00:00:52,957 --> 00:00:54,997 Just a few. For some reason, there's been a lot 15 00:00:55,031 --> 00:00:57,433 of infertility at the nuclear plant. 16 00:01:04,191 --> 00:01:07,626 After we show you the wealth of jobs in the steno pool, 17 00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:10,806 a hearty luncheon of bison with lake beaver will be served. 18 00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:11,872 Ew! 19 00:01:11,906 --> 00:01:13,377 And upon leaving, 20 00:01:13,411 --> 00:01:14,977 you will each receive a piece of orangewood 21 00:01:15,011 --> 00:01:16,680 to bite down on during childbirth. 22 00:01:16,714 --> 00:01:18,817 Excellent. 23 00:01:19,852 --> 00:01:20,956 It's getting harder and harder 24 00:01:20,990 --> 00:01:23,285 to maintain my sunny disposition, Smithers. 25 00:01:23,327 --> 00:01:24,726 Oh, you're always my ray of... 26 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:26,159 Shut up. 27 00:01:26,193 --> 00:01:27,800 Dad, what does that do? 28 00:01:27,834 --> 00:01:29,467 I don't know. Who's that guy? 29 00:01:29,501 --> 00:01:31,205 I don't know. Where do those pipes lead? 30 00:01:31,239 --> 00:01:32,709 Not sure. 31 00:01:32,743 --> 00:01:34,310 Is it called the cooling tower because there's... 32 00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:36,375 Not my department. How many kilowatts are...? 33 00:01:36,417 --> 00:01:37,912 Look, sweetie, would you like to go 34 00:01:37,954 --> 00:01:39,849 to the cafeteria and get some ice cream? 35 00:01:39,883 --> 00:01:41,859 How many kinds are there? 12. 36 00:01:41,893 --> 00:01:43,526 Curse that Elon Musk! 37 00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:45,430 Thanks to that Earth-smooching buttinski, 38 00:01:45,464 --> 00:01:46,895 I'm on the verge of bankruptcy. 39 00:01:46,928 --> 00:01:48,736 All I have left are the clothes on my back 40 00:01:48,770 --> 00:01:50,436 and the clones in my freezer. 41 00:01:50,477 --> 00:01:53,445 43 is missing again. 42 00:01:53,479 --> 00:01:57,015 I had to replace my beloved hounds with teacup poodles. 43 00:01:57,049 --> 00:01:58,720 It's pathetic. Watch. 44 00:01:58,754 --> 00:02:00,353 Release the hounds. 45 00:02:01,427 --> 00:02:02,753 Aw. 46 00:02:04,395 --> 00:02:06,595 No. Help. Oh, stop. 47 00:02:06,629 --> 00:02:08,268 Oh, spare me. 48 00:02:08,302 --> 00:02:11,136 And all I got from Mr. Musk was an electric car, 49 00:02:11,178 --> 00:02:14,148 which I charge by stealing power from my nosy neighbor. 50 00:02:20,464 --> 00:02:22,468 Hey, dippily-do, neighbor-oni! 51 00:02:22,502 --> 00:02:24,776 Stupid Branson. 52 00:02:24,810 --> 00:02:26,516 But I have a new scheme 53 00:02:26,550 --> 00:02:29,792 that will undo the terrible damage done by my other schemes. 54 00:02:29,826 --> 00:02:31,761 I have an appointment with a Nigerian King 55 00:02:31,795 --> 00:02:34,962 to negotiate a uranium deal that will put me right back on top. 56 00:02:34,996 --> 00:02:36,963 Huh. Nothing can stop you, sir. 57 00:02:37,005 --> 00:02:40,972 But, uh, not that you're not at the top of your game. 58 00:02:41,007 --> 00:02:43,006 Uh, what if you don't get the deal? 59 00:02:43,048 --> 00:02:44,446 I'll just have to sell everything 60 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:46,110 and move to the South Pacific with you. 61 00:02:46,144 --> 00:02:47,582 What a grim fate that would be. 62 00:02:48,849 --> 00:02:50,455 And with your omelet, 63 00:02:50,489 --> 00:02:52,887 would you like the fried potatoes or the mixed berries? 64 00:02:52,921 --> 00:02:57,294 I'll have the berries. 65 00:02:57,328 --> 00:02:58,527 Ah. 66 00:02:58,561 --> 00:03:01,359 A terrible fate indeed, sir. 67 00:03:04,737 --> 00:03:08,471 Oh, no. My almond milk leaked all over everything. 68 00:03:08,505 --> 00:03:11,040 Dad, do you have anything I can eat? 69 00:03:11,074 --> 00:03:14,311 Hmm? 70 00:03:14,345 --> 00:03:18,077 Oh, uh, I will turn this corn chip into a wonderful meal, 71 00:03:18,111 --> 00:03:21,045 using my greatest skill-- lunchroom trading! 72 00:03:21,079 --> 00:03:22,549 Shut your eyes. 73 00:03:33,061 --> 00:03:35,561 Pretty impressive, Homer. 74 00:03:35,595 --> 00:03:37,362 But what about the presentation? 75 00:03:37,396 --> 00:03:40,532 The eyes taste first, then lips, then palette. 76 00:03:40,566 --> 00:03:43,500 Then the body's harshest critic-- the colon. 77 00:03:54,310 --> 00:03:58,341 Okay, sweetie, open those baby blacks. 78 00:03:58,375 --> 00:04:00,549 Wow, Dad. 79 00:04:02,044 --> 00:04:03,513 Thank you. Ooh. 80 00:04:03,547 --> 00:04:06,046 Welcome, Your Majesty. 81 00:04:12,250 --> 00:04:14,782 Mr. Burns, I don't know what you have heard, 82 00:04:14,816 --> 00:04:17,442 but I do not eat monkey brains from a skull. 83 00:04:17,476 --> 00:04:20,377 Oh, this is for me. 84 00:04:21,882 --> 00:04:24,785 Before we begin, I have a favor to ask. 85 00:04:26,987 --> 00:04:28,721 My daughter is traveling with me. 86 00:04:28,755 --> 00:04:30,121 Hello. 87 00:04:30,155 --> 00:04:31,922 She is my true treasure. 88 00:04:31,964 --> 00:04:34,260 During our complicated negotiations, 89 00:04:34,302 --> 00:04:36,363 I need someone to look after her, 90 00:04:36,397 --> 00:04:37,795 keep her out of trouble. 91 00:04:39,236 --> 00:04:41,401 Hmm. 92 00:04:47,079 --> 00:04:48,982 That man is the perfect choice. 93 00:04:49,017 --> 00:04:50,953 What?! Sir, that's Homer Simpson. 94 00:04:50,987 --> 00:04:53,459 You forgot that he's the most incompetent... 95 00:04:58,459 --> 00:05:01,862 Homer Simpson would be perfect. 96 00:05:04,329 --> 00:05:07,566 Simpson, all you have to do is babysit the princess-- 97 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,966 keeping her in this hotel room during the negotiations. 98 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:11,501 Babysitting, eh? 99 00:05:11,535 --> 00:05:13,406 What do I know about kids? 100 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:17,240 Homer Simpson, I give you Princess Kemi of Nigeria! 101 00:05:17,282 --> 00:05:19,480 Watch that girl like a hawk. 102 00:05:23,819 --> 00:05:25,819 Princess, why'd you put on that coat? 103 00:05:25,861 --> 00:05:27,996 You're obviously cold. 104 00:05:28,031 --> 00:05:30,125 May I escort you to the radiator? 105 00:05:30,167 --> 00:05:31,966 No. I want to go out. 106 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,629 I'm 25 years old. 107 00:05:35,199 --> 00:05:36,604 Uh, just a second. 108 00:05:36,638 --> 00:05:38,435 Hey, Marge. Yeah, I'm working late. 109 00:05:38,469 --> 00:05:40,001 Yup, special project. 110 00:05:40,035 --> 00:05:42,367 Lenny said you were babysitting, 111 00:05:42,401 --> 00:05:44,104 and if you are babysitting, 112 00:05:44,138 --> 00:05:45,536 why can't you do some at home? 113 00:05:45,578 --> 00:05:47,176 I could use a night out. 114 00:05:47,210 --> 00:05:49,774 Sorry, Marge, but I am the royal babysitter. 115 00:05:49,808 --> 00:05:51,612 If I start watching commoners, 116 00:05:51,646 --> 00:05:54,275 the tongues of the court will be awag. 117 00:05:54,309 --> 00:05:56,610 Really? Awag? Really? 118 00:05:56,644 --> 00:05:58,209 Well, if you think that... 119 00:05:58,251 --> 00:06:00,313 I want to go out 120 00:06:00,347 --> 00:06:02,649 and see the America whose greatest cities 121 00:06:02,683 --> 00:06:04,984 I've only seen destroyed in movies. 122 00:06:05,018 --> 00:06:06,816 I see. You want excitement. 123 00:06:06,857 --> 00:06:11,619 Princess, have you ever heard of Studio 54, CBGBs, the Roxbury? 124 00:06:11,653 --> 00:06:13,119 Yes! I've dreamed of... 125 00:06:13,153 --> 00:06:14,686 All gone. 126 00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:17,715 But in their place, we have 500 channels of television. 127 00:06:17,749 --> 00:06:19,185 All awesome. 128 00:06:19,219 --> 00:06:20,846 Sit down, and I'll show you. 129 00:06:24,016 --> 00:06:28,977 So, all these concubines belong to this one tyrant? 130 00:06:29,011 --> 00:06:30,449 He's called "The Bachelor." 131 00:06:30,483 --> 00:06:32,281 Please let me go out. 132 00:06:32,315 --> 00:06:34,280 All right, Princess. 133 00:06:34,314 --> 00:06:38,285 I'll take you to a place that's fun with a capital "F." 134 00:06:40,918 --> 00:06:42,885 Moe, this is Kemi. 135 00:06:42,926 --> 00:06:45,327 She's an honest-to-God princess. 136 00:06:45,361 --> 00:06:46,695 Ah, really? 137 00:06:46,729 --> 00:06:48,127 Hey, tell me something. 138 00:06:48,161 --> 00:06:49,631 I heard that Queen Elizabeth 139 00:06:49,664 --> 00:06:51,230 in person is actually not that funny. 140 00:06:51,264 --> 00:06:52,702 I am from Africa. 141 00:06:52,736 --> 00:06:54,334 Wow, Africa. 142 00:06:54,368 --> 00:06:56,237 I had a good friend who really wanted to go there. 143 00:06:56,271 --> 00:06:58,332 So, uh, you speak English there? 144 00:06:58,374 --> 00:07:00,171 I speak five languages. 145 00:07:00,205 --> 00:07:01,507 Nobody does. 146 00:07:09,609 --> 00:07:11,207 Uh, which means what? 147 00:07:11,248 --> 00:07:13,678 "I don't wish to show off." 148 00:07:13,711 --> 00:07:15,382 Yeah, that's pretty good there, 149 00:07:15,416 --> 00:07:17,517 uh, but don't expect me to bow and scrape. 150 00:07:17,551 --> 00:07:19,317 Uh, well, I'll give you one scrape. 151 00:07:19,351 --> 00:07:21,589 Yeah, that's it, Majesty. 152 00:07:21,624 --> 00:07:23,254 Notice I didn't say "Your." 153 00:07:24,856 --> 00:07:26,892 Oh, they don't make them like you in Nigeria. 154 00:07:26,926 --> 00:07:28,522 Nigeria? 155 00:07:28,556 --> 00:07:30,688 Homer, can I speak to you in private? 156 00:07:34,227 --> 00:07:35,664 Can I try it? 157 00:07:35,698 --> 00:07:37,198 Ah, you got to be mad at something. 158 00:07:37,232 --> 00:07:38,925 Well, I'm mad I'm not doing it. 159 00:07:40,199 --> 00:07:42,365 Okay, I'll tell you why I'm mad. 160 00:07:42,399 --> 00:07:44,933 A few months back, I got an unsolicited e-mail 161 00:07:44,967 --> 00:07:48,038 from an actual Nigerian prince. 162 00:07:48,072 --> 00:07:50,174 ♪ ♪ 163 00:07:50,208 --> 00:07:53,342 The prince needed to transfer $40 million out of the country. 164 00:07:53,376 --> 00:07:55,046 He offered to split that with me 165 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:57,446 if I paid the five grand for the transfer fees. 166 00:07:57,480 --> 00:07:58,886 And you gave it to him? 167 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:00,351 Yeah, I did. 168 00:08:00,385 --> 00:08:02,257 I was sure the guy was on the level 169 00:08:02,291 --> 00:08:04,730 because of his bad spelling and grammar. 170 00:08:09,671 --> 00:08:12,468 Now, guess how much of the $20 million I saw? 171 00:08:12,502 --> 00:08:14,771 $8 million? Ze-ro. 172 00:08:14,805 --> 00:08:16,076 Get out of here! 173 00:08:16,110 --> 00:08:18,444 If Kemi there is a Nigerian princess, 174 00:08:18,478 --> 00:08:21,043 her brother just might be the Nigerian prince 175 00:08:21,077 --> 00:08:22,882 that took my money! 176 00:08:22,916 --> 00:08:26,711 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Listen, Moe, I'm Kemi's guardian. 177 00:08:26,745 --> 00:08:30,276 She and I are going back to the hotel now! 178 00:08:30,318 --> 00:08:32,044 She's gone! 179 00:08:32,086 --> 00:08:33,582 And she trashed my bar! 180 00:08:33,623 --> 00:08:35,750 Oh, no, wait. She actually cleaned up a little bit. 181 00:08:35,792 --> 00:08:37,256 Yeah, good for her. 182 00:08:38,849 --> 00:08:40,518 Chief, thank God! 183 00:08:40,552 --> 00:08:44,053 I was drinking at Moe's, and I lost an African princess! 184 00:08:44,087 --> 00:08:46,387 Lost African princess, eh? 185 00:08:46,494 --> 00:08:48,324 Well, lucky for you, she just happens 186 00:08:48,366 --> 00:08:50,332 to be in the back of my cruiser. 187 00:08:50,366 --> 00:08:52,964 Yes! The prayer I forgot to say has been answered. 188 00:08:54,965 --> 00:08:56,636 What the...? 189 00:08:56,670 --> 00:08:59,269 You're going straight to the drunk tank, rummy. 190 00:08:59,311 --> 00:09:01,509 "African princess." 191 00:09:03,142 --> 00:09:06,316 Chief, I just saw someone robbin' the Kwik-E-Mart! 192 00:09:06,350 --> 00:09:10,052 Oh, now African princesses are robbing the Kwik-E-Mart, huh? 193 00:09:10,086 --> 00:09:12,283 Get in the car, booze bag. 194 00:09:12,317 --> 00:09:14,451 Chief, I have been shot in the shoulder! 195 00:09:14,485 --> 00:09:15,986 In the car! 196 00:09:16,020 --> 00:09:18,185 What is this, St. Patrick's Day? 197 00:09:18,227 --> 00:09:19,856 Why, this is terrible. 198 00:09:19,890 --> 00:09:22,359 Can't even think of anything to mumble to myself. 199 00:09:22,393 --> 00:09:24,391 That's how upset I am here. 200 00:09:24,425 --> 00:09:27,495 Hello. First of all, I wanted to pay. 201 00:09:27,529 --> 00:09:31,365 Also... maybe... I wanted to talk more to you? 202 00:09:31,399 --> 00:09:33,028 Really? 203 00:09:33,070 --> 00:09:36,297 Okay there, Moe, you got to get to the brother, 204 00:09:36,331 --> 00:09:38,967 because he knows what my PIN number is, and I forgot. 205 00:09:39,001 --> 00:09:40,462 Yeah, duly noted. 206 00:09:40,502 --> 00:09:44,002 Uh, so, Your Tootsieness, tell me about your family. 207 00:09:44,036 --> 00:09:46,199 Got any aunts, uncles, cousins, sisters... 208 00:09:46,233 --> 00:09:47,701 brothers? 209 00:09:47,735 --> 00:09:49,531 I have a brother. Yes. One. 210 00:09:49,565 --> 00:09:51,130 I see. 211 00:09:51,164 --> 00:09:53,201 Now, Moe, don't jump to conclusions. 212 00:09:53,235 --> 00:09:55,001 A lot of people have brothers. 213 00:09:55,035 --> 00:09:56,632 Does he have a computer? Yes. 214 00:09:56,674 --> 00:09:58,238 It's him! 215 00:09:58,272 --> 00:09:59,565 Guys, 216 00:09:59,607 --> 00:10:01,173 thanks for bailing me out, 217 00:10:01,207 --> 00:10:02,870 but I still have a huge problem. 218 00:10:02,912 --> 00:10:04,343 Well, till we find her, 219 00:10:04,377 --> 00:10:07,249 maybe we could get somebody to pretend to be her. 220 00:10:07,283 --> 00:10:10,047 You know, get a nice wig and a dress. 221 00:10:10,081 --> 00:10:13,714 Oh, no, I am not dressing up like an African princess. 222 00:10:13,748 --> 00:10:16,816 I am not! I am not! I am not! 223 00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:19,416 Thank you for listening to my objections. 224 00:10:19,450 --> 00:10:21,013 Well, you were really vehement. 225 00:10:22,548 --> 00:10:24,082 Uh, hello, Simpson. Just checking up. 226 00:10:24,116 --> 00:10:25,754 May I speak with the princess? 227 00:10:25,788 --> 00:10:27,524 Um, yeah, sure. Uh... 228 00:10:27,558 --> 00:10:29,356 Hello, this is the princess. 229 00:10:29,390 --> 00:10:33,762 I'm with Homer Simpson, and I do declare he's wonderful. 230 00:10:33,796 --> 00:10:36,258 Oh, that's right, I'm from South Africa. 231 00:10:36,300 --> 00:10:37,994 Fiddle-Dee-Dee. 232 00:10:38,028 --> 00:10:39,497 Well, sounds like 233 00:10:39,531 --> 00:10:41,096 everything's going just the way I want it. 234 00:10:41,130 --> 00:10:44,000 Yeah, so all my money's tied up in this "jernt." 235 00:10:44,034 --> 00:10:46,072 Can't even afford elocution lessons 236 00:10:46,106 --> 00:10:48,207 to teach me how to pronounce "joint." 237 00:10:48,241 --> 00:10:50,902 I guess I could do it online, but, uh, what's the "pernt"? 238 00:10:52,039 --> 00:10:53,404 What-What's so funny? 239 00:10:53,438 --> 00:10:55,409 I thought my English was perfect, 240 00:10:55,442 --> 00:10:58,240 but you make me feel even better about it. 241 00:10:58,274 --> 00:11:00,775 Eh, usually people that tease me 242 00:11:00,809 --> 00:11:02,375 get thrown out on their ass. 243 00:11:02,409 --> 00:11:04,414 But, uh, your sayin' it made me feel good. 244 00:11:04,448 --> 00:11:07,517 Geez, I sound like one of those guys in them Rom coms 245 00:11:07,551 --> 00:11:11,252 that play at the theaters next to the theater I'm in. Heh. 246 00:11:11,286 --> 00:11:15,185 So, uh, what's a "princessess" like you, uh, do all day, huh? 247 00:11:15,219 --> 00:11:18,719 A lot of spinning wheels and witches treating you like crap? 248 00:11:18,753 --> 00:11:20,789 I read. Are you familiar with the books 249 00:11:20,823 --> 00:11:22,790 by my countryman Chinua Achebe, 250 00:11:22,824 --> 00:11:25,420 Things Fall Apart and No Longer At Ease? 251 00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:28,255 Hey, you guys got real optimistic literature there. 252 00:11:28,289 --> 00:11:31,024 Fair comment. 253 00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:34,264 I haven't eaten all day. 254 00:11:34,298 --> 00:11:36,359 Well, don't eat those eggs! Uh, we don't know 255 00:11:36,401 --> 00:11:38,095 what kind of bird they turn into. 256 00:11:38,129 --> 00:11:39,933 But there's a string cheese or something 257 00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:42,791 in the fridge in the back. Uh, help yourself. 258 00:11:42,833 --> 00:11:45,693 All right, after she eats, I'd better close up. 259 00:11:45,727 --> 00:11:48,428 Oh. Come on, pal. 260 00:11:51,565 --> 00:11:53,531 Come on. 261 00:11:53,573 --> 00:11:56,603 That's really stuck there good. 262 00:12:00,308 --> 00:12:03,577 Ah, I can't be mad at her no more. 263 00:12:14,017 --> 00:12:15,318 Good night, moon. 264 00:12:15,352 --> 00:12:17,591 Good night, broom. 265 00:12:17,625 --> 00:12:20,486 Good night, jukebox that won't play a tune. 266 00:12:20,528 --> 00:12:21,821 Good night, eggs. 267 00:12:21,855 --> 00:12:23,323 Good night, dregs. 268 00:12:23,357 --> 00:12:26,089 Good night, bugs crawlin' up my legs. 269 00:12:26,123 --> 00:12:28,652 Good night, beer. Good night, mice. 270 00:12:28,686 --> 00:12:31,888 Good night, princess who treats me nice. 271 00:12:31,922 --> 00:12:33,287 Yeah. 272 00:12:40,694 --> 00:12:44,595 So my offer for one ton of your uranium is a goat. 273 00:12:44,629 --> 00:12:46,594 Will you stop offering me that? 274 00:12:46,628 --> 00:12:49,064 I come from a modern nation of 90 million people. 275 00:12:49,098 --> 00:12:51,936 Two goats. You are starting to insult me. 276 00:12:51,970 --> 00:12:53,599 All right, let's cut to the chase. 277 00:12:53,633 --> 00:12:57,163 My board has given me permission to go up to 12 goats. 278 00:13:02,103 --> 00:13:03,566 How about here, sir? 279 00:13:03,599 --> 00:13:05,069 Looks good to me. 280 00:13:05,103 --> 00:13:07,635 I'm so sorry I pretended not to be gay 281 00:13:07,669 --> 00:13:09,235 for all those years. 282 00:13:09,269 --> 00:13:12,439 Well, better an old queen than never a queen at all. 283 00:13:16,973 --> 00:13:18,739 Pay attention. My last offer: 284 00:13:18,773 --> 00:13:20,244 20 million goats. 285 00:13:20,278 --> 00:13:23,108 Okay, but no dogs disguised as goats. 286 00:13:23,149 --> 00:13:25,409 Oh, great, here comes the haggling. 287 00:13:25,443 --> 00:13:28,817 Well, well, look who's up. Heh. 288 00:13:28,851 --> 00:13:30,912 Uh, Princess, I'm gonna do something for you 289 00:13:30,954 --> 00:13:34,453 I've never done for anyone in this bar. Call you a cab. 290 00:13:34,487 --> 00:13:36,581 No. I want to spend time with you. 291 00:13:36,623 --> 00:13:38,652 I want to see this town. 292 00:13:38,686 --> 00:13:40,418 Do you mind ridin' a cute little scooter 293 00:13:40,452 --> 00:13:41,922 with your arms around my waist? 294 00:13:41,956 --> 00:13:43,419 I don't. 295 00:13:43,461 --> 00:13:45,027 To the scooter store. 296 00:13:45,061 --> 00:13:47,963 ♪ ♪ 297 00:14:03,384 --> 00:14:05,717 And after you eat the soup you can eat the bowl 298 00:14:05,751 --> 00:14:07,181 or you can put "kerns" in it. 299 00:14:07,215 --> 00:14:09,485 What, uh, whatever you like. 300 00:14:13,254 --> 00:14:15,051 I have a confession to make. 301 00:14:15,093 --> 00:14:16,859 This is my first montage. 302 00:14:16,893 --> 00:14:20,196 Just relax and enjoy the music. 303 00:14:21,662 --> 00:14:23,196 Moe Szyslak. 304 00:14:23,230 --> 00:14:25,163 This is the part of the fairy tale 305 00:14:25,197 --> 00:14:27,298 where the princess goes back to the hotel 306 00:14:27,332 --> 00:14:29,298 and watches TV. 307 00:14:29,340 --> 00:14:30,907 Come with me. 308 00:14:32,375 --> 00:14:33,846 So where are we headed, dude? 309 00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:35,649 Just go and go fast. 310 00:14:35,683 --> 00:14:39,388 Okay, um, usually I do kind of a funny take on an airline pilot 311 00:14:39,422 --> 00:14:42,261 greeting the passengers. You know, like, "Hey. Thank you 312 00:14:42,295 --> 00:14:44,892 "for flying Air Kevin. If you look out 313 00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:46,563 to the left of the pedicab, you..." 314 00:14:46,597 --> 00:14:47,827 Just move the pedals. 315 00:14:47,862 --> 00:14:49,868 Whoa, sounds like the tower 316 00:14:49,902 --> 00:14:52,571 has cleared us for takeoff. 317 00:14:52,605 --> 00:14:55,338 We're tryin' to escape that guy. 318 00:14:55,372 --> 00:14:58,073 Well, dude, as long as he can run, he can beat us. 319 00:14:58,107 --> 00:15:00,104 D'oh! 320 00:15:00,138 --> 00:15:04,279 So, anyways, the place that I really feel the pedaling? 321 00:15:04,313 --> 00:15:05,576 It's my legs. 322 00:15:05,610 --> 00:15:07,112 Okay, all right, we're safe. 323 00:15:07,146 --> 00:15:09,215 Actually, I wanted to go back with him. 324 00:15:09,249 --> 00:15:11,847 I don't want to get my father mad, O. 325 00:15:11,888 --> 00:15:13,855 Go back? But I didn't show you the place 326 00:15:13,889 --> 00:15:15,752 where Dave Grohl got mugged. 327 00:15:15,794 --> 00:15:19,591 I have to leave, but I still had a wonderful day. 328 00:15:19,625 --> 00:15:22,759 Thank God I shaved my forehead this morning. 329 00:15:22,793 --> 00:15:25,698 A paparazzo. Please don't send that. 330 00:15:25,732 --> 00:15:28,434 If my father sees it, it will ruin my life. 331 00:15:28,468 --> 00:15:31,001 Well, thanks for making it so easy. 332 00:15:41,821 --> 00:15:43,788 And you have the 20 million goats? 333 00:15:43,822 --> 00:15:45,052 Two, now. 334 00:15:45,094 --> 00:15:48,597 19,999,998 335 00:15:48,631 --> 00:15:50,093 on delivery. 336 00:15:50,127 --> 00:15:52,292 Very good. Um, shouldn't we 337 00:15:52,334 --> 00:15:53,795 see how the princess is doing 338 00:15:53,829 --> 00:15:55,131 before you sign, Your Majesty? 339 00:15:55,165 --> 00:15:56,394 What are you talking about, Smithers? 340 00:15:59,498 --> 00:16:01,464 I can't even trust you 341 00:16:01,505 --> 00:16:04,168 to watch an impetuous adult who does what she wants. 342 00:16:04,202 --> 00:16:06,578 The deal is off. 343 00:16:06,612 --> 00:16:08,746 Wow. After spending my life serving others, 344 00:16:08,780 --> 00:16:10,746 I'm finally gonna get what I want. 345 00:16:10,780 --> 00:16:12,747 Uh, uh, sir, there may be a bright side. 346 00:16:12,781 --> 00:16:14,585 There's never a bright side. 347 00:16:14,620 --> 00:16:17,015 He's almost mine. 348 00:16:19,901 --> 00:16:22,406 Yes, you've torn that up, all right. 349 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,239 Father, I want to explain. 350 00:16:24,273 --> 00:16:27,240 I was a young woman who wanted to see the world, 351 00:16:27,281 --> 00:16:29,648 and this kind man has shown it to me. 352 00:16:29,682 --> 00:16:31,482 And stolen your heart. 353 00:16:31,515 --> 00:16:33,785 Eh, well, that's what I do. Uh, sorry, 354 00:16:33,819 --> 00:16:35,815 but there ain't no off switch for this. 355 00:16:38,583 --> 00:16:41,556 He has not stolen my heart. 356 00:16:41,590 --> 00:16:43,555 Wha?! 357 00:16:43,589 --> 00:16:47,058 Why has he made the ancient tribal sound of confusion? 358 00:16:47,092 --> 00:16:49,762 I think he is a sweet, sweet man. 359 00:16:49,796 --> 00:16:51,497 But when I kissed him on the forehead, 360 00:16:51,531 --> 00:16:52,961 it was not romantic. 361 00:16:52,995 --> 00:16:55,129 More like when Snow White kissed Dopey. 362 00:16:55,163 --> 00:16:58,402 Oh, no, no, not this comparison again. 363 00:16:58,436 --> 00:17:00,905 I'm sorry, Moe. I don't love you. 364 00:17:00,939 --> 00:17:03,904 But I really like you. 365 00:17:03,938 --> 00:17:05,858 Well, daughter, even though you have done nothing 366 00:17:05,873 --> 00:17:08,575 seriously wrong, first I will tear this contract 367 00:17:08,609 --> 00:17:10,909 one more time. 368 00:17:10,943 --> 00:17:13,812 And as for you, your punishment will be... 369 00:17:13,846 --> 00:17:16,149 Uh, may I speak to you, Majesty, 370 00:17:16,183 --> 00:17:17,781 father to father? 371 00:17:17,815 --> 00:17:20,986 A woman has allowed you to sire her children? 372 00:17:21,020 --> 00:17:23,584 There was beer involved. I have two daughters. 373 00:17:23,618 --> 00:17:26,581 And I've learned you have to let them go their own way. 374 00:17:26,623 --> 00:17:28,621 Even the one-year-old. 375 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:31,960 Majesty. 376 00:17:31,994 --> 00:17:35,127 And the older one, I can't tell her what to do. 377 00:17:35,161 --> 00:17:37,167 And she's only 12. Eight. 378 00:17:37,201 --> 00:17:39,032 See what I mean? Always an argument. 379 00:17:41,570 --> 00:17:43,472 But the thing you have to remember is 380 00:17:43,506 --> 00:17:45,640 that you have to let them be who they are 381 00:17:45,674 --> 00:17:47,342 because you love them. 382 00:17:47,376 --> 00:17:48,709 I am not convinced. 383 00:17:48,743 --> 00:17:52,108 Uh, because you want them to grow. 384 00:17:52,142 --> 00:17:53,779 Still not convinced. 385 00:17:53,813 --> 00:17:56,879 And because you can't strangle a girl. 386 00:17:56,913 --> 00:17:58,608 That makes sense. 387 00:17:58,649 --> 00:18:00,713 Oh... Come here, daughter. 388 00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:02,386 Oh, father. 389 00:18:02,420 --> 00:18:04,522 Little girl, let me give you some advice. 390 00:18:04,556 --> 00:18:07,384 Never dream big, because it will blow up in your face. 391 00:18:07,426 --> 00:18:08,657 You're talking to the girl 392 00:18:08,691 --> 00:18:10,490 who wants a career in jazz. 393 00:18:10,524 --> 00:18:12,794 Oh, poor thing. 394 00:18:12,828 --> 00:18:14,823 So the good king's cheap uranium will 395 00:18:14,864 --> 00:18:16,956 allow me to sell you expensive nuclear power. 396 00:18:16,998 --> 00:18:18,660 Everyone wins. 397 00:18:18,694 --> 00:18:20,026 Yes, yes. Princess. 398 00:18:20,060 --> 00:18:22,794 Can you tell us about the man you kissed? 399 00:18:22,835 --> 00:18:24,498 Uh, yeah, I'll field that. 400 00:18:24,532 --> 00:18:26,666 Uh, yesterday, a local man 401 00:18:26,700 --> 00:18:29,371 "may or may not" have given a tour 402 00:18:29,405 --> 00:18:32,339 to a certain princess, who, uh, one assumes, 403 00:18:32,373 --> 00:18:34,339 turned all his thoughts of revenge 404 00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:36,747 to love and then love to respect. 405 00:18:36,781 --> 00:18:38,811 And yesterday, a certain princess 406 00:18:38,852 --> 00:18:41,418 may or may not have seen much of your world 407 00:18:41,452 --> 00:18:42,985 with a certain man, 408 00:18:43,019 --> 00:18:46,088 and she certainly might be eternally grateful. 409 00:18:46,122 --> 00:18:49,591 Oh, this is vague stuff. Vague stuff! 410 00:18:52,224 --> 00:18:54,722 I did not think this through. 411 00:18:55,953 --> 00:18:57,687 Moe, before I left, 412 00:18:57,721 --> 00:18:59,687 I just wanted to give you these examples 413 00:18:59,729 --> 00:19:03,763 of our most beloved, albeit depressing, literature. 414 00:19:03,797 --> 00:19:06,065 Ah, some nice bedtime readin'. 415 00:19:06,099 --> 00:19:07,600 Fun premise. 416 00:19:07,634 --> 00:19:10,029 I'm laughing already. 417 00:19:10,071 --> 00:19:12,165 Really not cheerin' me up here, 418 00:19:12,199 --> 00:19:14,269 but, uh, let me offer you the only literature 419 00:19:14,303 --> 00:19:16,773 in this bar-- sure works for me, though. 420 00:19:16,807 --> 00:19:18,540 This coaster. 421 00:19:18,574 --> 00:19:20,573 I will treasure it. 422 00:19:26,380 --> 00:19:28,280 Well, I guess you'll pine forever 423 00:19:28,314 --> 00:19:29,880 for a man who doesn't care, 424 00:19:29,914 --> 00:19:32,552 while I just grow old here in this bar. 425 00:19:32,586 --> 00:19:35,057 Yeah. Here's to suffering in silence. 426 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:40,823 Oh. 427 00:19:42,993 --> 00:19:46,558 Mm. Can't wait to see those numbers hanging from my rafters. 428 00:19:48,601 --> 00:19:51,198 I can't believe it's been 429 00:19:51,232 --> 00:19:53,036 three years since Smithers left. 430 00:19:53,071 --> 00:19:55,035 Man, have I been aging badly. 431 00:19:55,069 --> 00:19:58,536 But I guess I can finally wash this forehead. 432 00:19:58,570 --> 00:20:00,901 Oh, divine. 433 00:20:06,083 --> 00:20:07,946 Oh, God, what do you want? 434 00:20:07,988 --> 00:20:09,954 Well, neighbor, now that your streak of rum luck 435 00:20:09,988 --> 00:20:12,617 is at its end, I have a favor to ask. 436 00:20:12,659 --> 00:20:14,025 It involves charity. 437 00:20:15,921 --> 00:20:18,293 I've set up the Virgin Earth Challenge, 438 00:20:18,327 --> 00:20:19,957 a $25 million prize 439 00:20:19,991 --> 00:20:21,588 to eliminate greenhouse gases, 440 00:20:21,630 --> 00:20:24,228 that I was hoping you would add to. 441 00:20:24,262 --> 00:20:26,166 Where are the hounds when I need them? 442 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,629 They're on a free Virgin Galactic flight 443 00:20:28,671 --> 00:20:31,405 around the world. Can you go five blasted minutes 444 00:20:31,439 --> 00:20:34,266 without saying the word "virgin"? That's another Virgin Challenge. 445 00:20:34,266 --> 00:20:36,234 That I will not be Virgin taking. Virgin. 446 00:20:36,992 --> 00:20:38,960 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 447 00:21:25,976 --> 00:21:27,974 Shh!