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The Simpsons S19E05
- Treehouse of Horror XVIII -
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Hello.
Remember Halloween?
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It was last week.
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But here at the Simpson house,
we're still celebrating.
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Tonight, we have
three terrifying tales of the...
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Excuse me.
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Now, our first gory story is...
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Oh, for crying out loud!
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No fair.
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Can't anyone just watch the
show they're watching?
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Dinner is served.
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Mmm. Developed by.
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Crème brulée!
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Crème brulée!
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Or, in English:
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Burnt cream!
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Burnt cream!
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Hold on.
19
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I still have to caramelize.
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Bart, go out to the shed
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and get some more butane!
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...butane this.
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What's that unearthly glow?
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The only sensible thing to do
is explore it on my own.
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Huh?
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Oh, my God.
27
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An alien...
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in our butane storage shed.
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00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:03,591
Is that your space name?
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No, you hit me in
my 700 testicles.
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Why did you come
to our world?
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My friends and I came in peace
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to find your vulnerabilities
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and, um,
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shore them up
with more peace.
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Yes.
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Then I was accidentally
left behind...
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in a spirit of peace.
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Is that a ray gun?
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No, it's a...
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deodorant applicator.
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I'll just...
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Smells like a
summer breeze.
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So, this is my Krusty
dolll0o, Linguo,
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Iraq War Sergeant Activity
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with insufficient armor,
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Phonic Frog, cat skull,
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Jim Halterman bobblehead doll.
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He's a local car dealer.
50
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Hmm...
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do all humans
have such weak necks
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or just the one you call
"Jim Halterman"?
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Oh, my God, an alien.
54
00:02:59,297 --> 00:03:02,302
I'm going to blow Rachel
Goodman away at show-and-tell.
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No. If the government
finds out he's here,
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they'll dissect him.
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I only hope those scientists
leave me my mouth,
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so I may spread my message
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of peace through song.
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Peace...
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Peace, peace, peace
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From space.
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As this month's
rotating president
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of the Springfield
Future Scientists Club,
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may I say I'm sorry
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and is there anything
we can do to help?
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Well, I would
like to phone home
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to tell my family I'm okay.
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To do so, I would need
the following items.
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Get them now.
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Fiber-optic cable,
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uranium 235,
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two tickets to Avenue Q,
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seven billion body bags...
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Can I hammer that?
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No.
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Can I weld that?
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No!
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Can I tighten the...
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I said no!
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I thought we were supposed
to do this together.
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Actually, I do have an
important job for you.
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You can go get the
wrench I dropped.
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I'm helping! I'm helping!
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Way to getrid of Bart.
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He can be such a pest.
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You are very observant, Lisa.
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That's why I have
a special job for you.
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Go find out the
secret locations
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of your country'smissile
defense facilities.
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They were in yesterday's
New York Times.
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We'll be killing every human in two days
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We'll be killing every human in two days
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We will cook them, we will eat them
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'Cause that's the way to treat them...
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Oh, Ma-arge.
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Want some company?
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As always, silence means yes.
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How about a little
neck rub, baby?
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Now, how about the
neck of my butt?
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Oh-ho-ho!
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Someone's taking the highway
to the danger zone.
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Oh, Marge,your tentacles feel so good.
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Wait a minute.
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Why am I getting
words in edgewise?
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We can't have a space creature
living in our house.
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Go ahead. Say it.
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It's because I'm Jewish.
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No, no, no, some of
my best friends are...
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Fine, you can stay.
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Look!
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They're coming to get...
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what's your name?
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Kodos the Destroyer.
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Huh?
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Don't worry, son.
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I got a planto save your space doggy.
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Who is it?
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Ma'am, we have reason to believe
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that you're harboring an alien.
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Open this doorat once.
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Oh, I'm not decent.
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Let me throw something on.
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Can I help you, gentlemen?
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Uh, we know it'syou, Mr. Simpson.
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Now where is the alien?
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Wow, you guys are good.
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The alien's right here
in the living room.
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Ha! You missed 'em.
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Bart and our alien friend are
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hundreds of miles away by now.
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What do you weigh?
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Like a million pounds?
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More of meto love.
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After them!
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The South shall rise again.
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We can fly over them with
the power of love, right?
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Hmm... we could, or...
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You killed them.
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Well done, Columbo.
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That's right. We watch Columbo.
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It's on during rain-outs
of gleep-glop games.
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I'm just gonna take off now.
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I'm sure you have a lot
of calls to make.
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Foolish biped.
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It's not a phone.
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It's a space portal.
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Our shock troops will teleportin
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and eat everyone's heads,
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all thanks to you.
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What did I miss?
152
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Hop in, Bart.
153
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They're gonna let us kill one!
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Bart... friend?
155
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Homer... bored!
156
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I can't believe that
an alien who looked
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so evil turned out to be bad.
158
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Hmm. I guess you should
judge a book by its cover.
159
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Definitely, especially if you count
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the inside flap as part of the cover.
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It usually gives you a great idea
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of what the book's about.
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Quiet.
164
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We're missing the dissection!
165
00:08:01,095 --> 00:08:03,351
Actually, I'm still alive,
166
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so technically, it's vivisection.
167
00:08:05,426 --> 00:08:07,183
No one likes a know-it-all.
168
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You see, the problem
is we've grown apart.
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The problem is
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you don't share my interest
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in not being with you.
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Another thing:
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I don't knowwhere you go at night.
174
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Greetings, 241.
175
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Why does he always bring up my weight?
176
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I want you to eliminate this reporter,
177
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Kent Brockman.
178
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He found the gully where I dump
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electricity every summer
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00:09:09,865 --> 00:09:11,053
to jack up prices.
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Don't worry, sir.
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I'll handle this cleanly,
183
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quietly and... Bart!
184
00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:15,832
What?
185
00:09:16,796 --> 00:09:18,803
Marge, I'm gonna behome late tonight.
186
00:09:18,807 --> 00:09:20,133
I'm going to, uh...
187
00:09:20,136 --> 00:09:23,782
Midnight Monkey
Madness at the zoo.
188
00:09:23,788 --> 00:09:25,252
Well, I won'tbe home, either.
189
00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:26,422
I'm, um...
190
00:09:26,435 --> 00:09:29,423
flipping overwheelbarrows in case it rains.
191
00:09:29,428 --> 00:09:31,623
Have funat your crazy-sounding thing.
192
00:09:31,625 --> 00:09:33,920
And you have fun at
your preposterous event.
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- Love ya.
- Love ya.
194
00:09:36,558 --> 00:09:37,902
And that was my drink.
195
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Ninth floor.
196
00:09:43,057 --> 00:09:44,283
Assassin's perch.
197
00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:01,111
Now all I have to do is think of a
198
00:10:01,116 --> 00:10:03,573
clever line before I pull the trigger.
199
00:10:04,327 --> 00:10:06,493
Oh, that's a perfect one.
200
00:10:06,495 --> 00:10:09,102
But I don't need to say it
out loud 'cause I'm by myself.
201
00:10:13,667 --> 00:10:16,491
Out of my way, mystery skank!
202
00:10:19,417 --> 00:10:21,772
Hey! Now I don't get paid!
203
00:10:23,848 --> 00:10:25,740
Hey, baby, hello.
204
00:10:35,366 --> 00:10:37,130
Now I'm mad!
205
00:10:38,368 --> 00:10:40,103
Now I'm...
206
00:10:50,197 --> 00:10:52,441
Marge is a professional assassin!
207
00:10:59,128 --> 00:11:01,831
You just can't get
Russian gangster blood out.
208
00:11:02,077 --> 00:11:03,112
Must be something they eat.
209
00:11:08,115 --> 00:11:09,331
Hey, what's that?
210
00:11:10,207 --> 00:11:11,600
A blender cozy.
211
00:11:13,875 --> 00:11:16,642
How was your Midnight
Monkey Madness?
212
00:11:17,038 --> 00:11:17,982
Great, great.
213
00:11:18,257 --> 00:11:21,101
I turned over so many wheelbarrows...
214
00:11:21,518 --> 00:11:22,540
Wait. That was your thing.
215
00:11:27,405 --> 00:11:28,100
Homie,
216
00:11:28,258 --> 00:11:30,772
I made you my killer lasagna.
217
00:11:31,338 --> 00:11:32,342
It's poison!
218
00:11:32,616 --> 00:11:34,401
Whatever you do, don't eat it.
219
00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:38,650
Okay, you' already eating it,
but don't finish it.
220
00:11:39,898 --> 00:11:41,793
Okay, you finished it,
but don't ask for...
221
00:11:41,886 --> 00:11:42,683
Seconds, please.
222
00:11:43,096 --> 00:11:44,311
You moron!
Just kill her!
223
00:11:44,605 --> 00:11:46,501
I'll kill her after dessert!
224
00:11:50,187 --> 00:11:52,053
You're a killer for hire!
225
00:11:52,185 --> 00:11:53,462
You ruined that pie!
226
00:11:55,508 --> 00:11:57,360
How could you not tell me
you were an assassin?
227
00:11:59,116 --> 00:12:00,290
How could you not tell me?
228
00:12:01,515 --> 00:12:03,041
I told you 20 times!
229
00:12:03,288 --> 00:12:04,172
You never listen!
230
00:12:04,756 --> 00:12:06,712
Well, they're not
as pretty as you, Marge.
231
00:12:26,717 --> 00:12:28,342
Listen, I...
Oh!
232
00:12:30,927 --> 00:12:31,813
Okay, here's the deal.
233
00:12:31,925 --> 00:12:33,413
I'll do the killing for hire,
234
00:12:33,578 --> 00:12:34,892
and you stay home with the kids.
235
00:12:36,718 --> 00:12:38,422
I get $50,000 a hit.
236
00:12:38,595 --> 00:12:39,643
How much do you make?
237
00:12:39,867 --> 00:12:41,872
I just get to keep
whatever's in the guy's wallet.
238
00:12:45,626 --> 00:12:47,660
All those nights I thought
you were out getting drunk,
239
00:12:47,917 --> 00:12:49,712
you were out killing people?!
240
00:12:50,046 --> 00:12:52,323
I was out getting drunk,
then killing people!
241
00:13:12,587 --> 00:13:13,412
Stop it!
242
00:13:13,556 --> 00:13:14,883
That's my favorite couch!
243
00:13:15,167 --> 00:13:16,732
Why do you think I'm kicking it?
244
00:13:20,745 --> 00:13:22,563
Are you guys fighting over us?
245
00:13:22,745 --> 00:13:24,232
Whatever we did, we're sorry.
246
00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:27,493
Sweeties...
247
00:13:28,398 --> 00:13:29,563
We weren't fighting.
248
00:13:29,766 --> 00:13:30,842
It sounded like you were.
249
00:13:30,998 --> 00:13:32,980
Who wants ice cream in bed?
250
00:13:33,097 --> 00:13:34,583
Ice cream! Ice cream!
251
00:13:34,748 --> 00:13:35,681
Dad's the best!
252
00:13:35,946 --> 00:13:38,531
Great! Now they're going to have
tummy aches tomorrow.
253
00:13:38,698 --> 00:13:40,842
And where will
"Super Dad" be then?
254
00:13:41,048 --> 00:13:42,391
At your funeral.
255
00:13:47,038 --> 00:13:50,001
We got a complaint from
an anonymous "neighborino"
256
00:13:50,166 --> 00:13:53,812
about an elaborately choreographed,
high-octane, ultra-fight.
257
00:13:55,087 --> 00:13:57,020
I would have taken a bribe.
258
00:13:58,628 --> 00:14:00,233
Oh, that was so hot!
259
00:14:00,486 --> 00:14:03,031
I love watching you do other guys!
260
00:14:03,278 --> 00:14:06,373
Mmm, I'd like to see you
do a guy sometime.
261
00:14:06,788 --> 00:14:08,282
That can be arranged.
262
00:14:18,695 --> 00:14:21,170
Oh, what a wonderful night.
263
00:14:23,918 --> 00:14:27,463
...so, killing people together
has really spiced things up
264
00:14:27,625 --> 00:14:28,643
in the bedroom.
265
00:14:28,876 --> 00:14:30,720
That's terrific,
but I called you here to discuss
266
00:14:30,878 --> 00:14:32,852
your son's misbehavior
on the school bus.
267
00:14:36,558 --> 00:14:37,872
Think of me on Pizza Fridays.
268
00:14:52,096 --> 00:14:53,351
Trick or treat!
269
00:14:53,695 --> 00:14:56,673
Beat it, weirdoes!
I don't do Halloween!
270
00:14:56,928 --> 00:14:59,152
You're supposed
to give us candy.
271
00:14:59,407 --> 00:15:01,401
I got your candy right here.
272
00:15:04,028 --> 00:15:04,893
Weirdoes!
273
00:15:05,105 --> 00:15:06,751
She empty-bagged us!
274
00:15:06,976 --> 00:15:07,920
What do we do now?
275
00:15:08,206 --> 00:15:08,950
Hear me out.
276
00:15:09,148 --> 00:15:11,943
It seems to me we gave her
a choice: trick or treat.
277
00:15:12,157 --> 00:15:14,073
She didn't give us a treat, so...
278
00:15:14,275 --> 00:15:16,022
Bart, where are
you heading with this?
279
00:15:16,256 --> 00:15:18,203
"Trick or Treat" isn't
just some phrase you chant
280
00:15:18,327 --> 00:15:20,202
mindlessly like The Lord's Prayer.
281
00:15:20,208 --> 00:15:21,693
It's an oral contract!
282
00:15:21,856 --> 00:15:23,872
You're right.
We've forgotten the old ways.
283
00:15:24,097 --> 00:15:26,572
The ways of rotten eggs
and soaped-up windows.
284
00:15:26,798 --> 00:15:28,320
I say we trick her!
285
00:15:28,545 --> 00:15:29,771
Trick her good!
286
00:15:30,177 --> 00:15:31,290
Yay!
287
00:15:39,058 --> 00:15:40,422
May I remind you that I'm
288
00:15:40,436 --> 00:15:41,800
your principal's mother?!
289
00:15:50,097 --> 00:15:52,560
I hope the next people
don't give us anything
290
00:15:52,738 --> 00:15:54,313
so we can trick them too!
291
00:15:54,548 --> 00:15:55,362
Why give 'em a choice?
292
00:15:55,547 --> 00:15:58,092
That trick was sweeter than any
treat we'll get tonight.
293
00:15:58,366 --> 00:16:00,630
I'm concerned we might be
heading down a slippery slope.
294
00:16:00,848 --> 00:16:02,160
What do you think, Nelson?
295
00:16:02,386 --> 00:16:04,243
Can't talk.
Lighting poo.
296
00:16:05,018 --> 00:16:07,241
Hey ho, let's go!
297
00:16:07,698 --> 00:16:10,060
Hey ho, let's go!
298
00:16:10,515 --> 00:16:12,711
Hey ho, let's go!
299
00:16:13,266 --> 00:16:15,510
Hey ho, let's go!
300
00:16:15,717 --> 00:16:17,392
They're forming in straight line
301
00:16:18,696 --> 00:16:20,160
They're going through a tight wind
302
00:16:21,337 --> 00:16:22,861
The kids are losing their minds
303
00:16:23,046 --> 00:16:24,643
The blitzkrieg bop
304
00:16:25,396 --> 00:16:27,682
Hey ho, let's go!
305
00:16:36,358 --> 00:16:38,521
Excuse me, but this is not good!
306
00:16:38,696 --> 00:16:40,340
Oh, lighten up.
It's Halloween.
307
00:16:40,526 --> 00:16:42,420
A night for mischief and merriment.
308
00:16:43,957 --> 00:16:45,351
Trick-or-treat!
Lick my feet!
309
00:16:45,427 --> 00:16:47,502
! taem ttub-gip ekilsllems daeh ruoY
310
00:16:48,755 --> 00:16:50,951
Those monsters must be stopped!
311
00:16:51,257 --> 00:16:52,921
Perhaps, I can be
of some assistance.
312
00:16:56,696 --> 00:17:00,050
I've got something that will scare the
H-E-double sippy straws out of them.
313
00:17:03,525 --> 00:17:04,643
Hold still!
314
00:17:10,008 --> 00:17:12,243
How is this a prank?
Give me back my TV!
315
00:17:12,528 --> 00:17:13,743
I fed your fish.
316
00:17:13,905 --> 00:17:14,953
You overfed them!
317
00:17:15,157 --> 00:17:16,422
You're the worst one of all!
318
00:17:23,978 --> 00:17:27,193
Whoa! They turned the church
into a haunted house!
319
00:17:27,706 --> 00:17:29,422
"Scaredy cats not wanted"?
320
00:17:29,898 --> 00:17:31,071
Then I am wanted!
321
00:17:35,748 --> 00:17:37,092
Welcome to Heck House!
322
00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:38,680
You're about to discover
323
00:17:38,697 --> 00:17:40,071
what a life of sin will get you!
324
00:17:40,358 --> 00:17:42,442
Sin gets us something?
Awesome!
325
00:17:42,607 --> 00:17:44,203
I was just in it for the sin.
326
00:17:44,447 --> 00:17:45,492
Just get in there!
327
00:17:47,926 --> 00:17:50,002
Welcome to eternal darnation!
328
00:17:51,357 --> 00:17:53,653
May I have a clean American
newspaper, please,
329
00:17:53,838 --> 00:17:55,020
no "Doonesbury"?
330
00:17:55,305 --> 00:17:58,581
Wouldn't you rather have
a bikini magazine?
331
00:17:58,868 --> 00:18:00,502
I guess a little peek won't hurt me.
332
00:18:01,267 --> 00:18:02,451
No!
333
00:18:03,506 --> 00:18:05,851
He died as he lived--like a dork.
334
00:18:07,548 --> 00:18:10,300
No! The lesson here is
he's being punished
335
00:18:10,456 --> 00:18:11,940
for thinking women are beautiful!
336
00:18:14,618 --> 00:18:16,393
Please, Lord, grant me the power
337
00:18:16,537 --> 00:18:18,932
to psychologically torture them
into loving you.
338
00:18:23,995 --> 00:18:26,403
Behold, the
las-diddily-ast room
339
00:18:26,408 --> 00:18:28,812
of Ned Flanders's Hell House!
340
00:18:33,377 --> 00:18:34,270
I warned ya.
341
00:18:34,546 --> 00:18:36,743
And yet my punishment
is no less severe.
342
00:18:37,026 --> 00:18:37,822
That's odd.
343
00:18:47,798 --> 00:18:50,550
Springfield is rife
with the seven deadly sins!
344
00:18:50,858 --> 00:18:52,571
Starting with... gluttony!
345
00:19:02,955 --> 00:19:03,930
More bread, please.
346
00:19:06,367 --> 00:19:07,643
Anger!
347
00:19:09,417 --> 00:19:12,333
Why won't you work,
you stupid piece of junk?!
348
00:19:18,065 --> 00:19:20,931
I said, why won't you work?!
349
00:19:24,105 --> 00:19:25,310
Pride!
350
00:19:28,185 --> 00:19:31,433
Oh, why did I take pride
in my child's accomplishments?
351
00:19:32,387 --> 00:19:33,630
Sloth!
352
00:19:35,635 --> 00:19:37,450
I thought I was killed
by that magic spaghetti!
353
00:19:41,188 --> 00:19:42,391
And the rest!
354
00:19:43,467 --> 00:19:44,462
Lust!
355
00:19:47,148 --> 00:19:48,180
Greed!
356
00:19:50,487 --> 00:19:52,063
And envy!
357
00:19:52,338 --> 00:19:53,981
Oh, how I envy the crotchless.
358
00:19:54,206 --> 00:19:57,263
And this is where sinners spend
all of eternity!
359
00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:04,161
This is what you get
for stealing jokes?!
360
00:20:04,455 --> 00:20:06,203
I keep telling you: I'm Hindu!
361
00:20:06,487 --> 00:20:08,033
I regret... nothing.
362
00:20:08,235 --> 00:20:10,731
- Stop licking my junk!
- It's my junk, too!
363
00:20:13,136 --> 00:20:14,583
We'll never do any of those sins...
364
00:20:14,807 --> 00:20:15,901
I promise!
365
00:20:16,386 --> 00:20:19,333
All we'll do from now on
is pray and fight in wars.
366
00:20:20,837 --> 00:20:22,061
Well, then, my work is done.
367
00:20:23,466 --> 00:20:25,450
That concludes our Halloween
show for this year.
368
00:20:25,617 --> 00:20:27,453
I just want to say
that for watching this network,
369
00:20:27,567 --> 00:20:28,813
you're all going to hell!
370
00:20:28,986 --> 00:20:31,012
And that includes FX, Fox Sports,
371
00:20:31,215 --> 00:20:34,001
and our newest Devil's portal,
The Wall Street Journal.
372
00:20:34,287 --> 00:20:35,281
Welcome to the club!