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Welcome to the 38th annual
Springfield Showbiz Awards.
2
00:00:36,283 --> 00:00:38,012
There are more stars
here tonight
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00:00:38,085 --> 00:00:40,315
than you can see in the sky,
thanks to light pollution.
4
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Here comes the magnificently
mammaried,
5
00:00:42,456 --> 00:00:45,357
mistress of midnight
movie mayhem, Booberella.
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The twins look happy
tonight.
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And what have we here?
8
00:00:49,196 --> 00:00:52,791
It's ventriloquist Arthur Crandall
and his walnut wingman, Gabbo.
9
00:00:52,866 --> 00:00:54,334
Gabbo! Gabbo, over here!
10
00:00:54,968 --> 00:00:56,663
Get a job, parasites.
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00:00:59,506 --> 00:01:01,235
We now come to
our final award,
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Entertainer of the Year.
13
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An award so prestigious,
that it recently won
14
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the Award of the Year award
at the 2007 Awardy Awards.
15
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This year's nominees
are an eclectic group.
16
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This distinguished-looking
gentleman
17
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is a highly-respected actor.
18
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It's not important what he says,
or who he's a parody of.
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Only one person here
really matters.
20
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The recipient of this award.
21
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No, it is not me.
22
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I am but your humble narrator
23
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in this tale of fame, betrayal
and coin collecting.
24
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But more about that later.
25
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Nor is it him.
26
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Nor him.
27
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Nor ham.
28
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No, tonight is about her.
29
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This year's award goes to
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Lisa Simpson.
31
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Surprised?
32
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Let me start at the beginning,
33
00:01:49,055 --> 00:01:52,218
and tell you
a little bit about Lisa.
34
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In fact, all about Lisa.
35
00:01:58,331 --> 00:02:01,357
And now, in honor of
Krusty's 4,000th episode,
36
00:02:01,435 --> 00:02:03,836
put your hands together
for Drew Carey.
37
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Thank you. Thank you.
38
00:02:07,073 --> 00:02:10,338
Wow, 4,000 episodes.
39
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It seems like just yesterday
Krusty stole his first joke from me.
40
00:02:14,581 --> 00:02:16,481
Seriously, though, I remember
watching him as a kid,
41
00:02:16,550 --> 00:02:18,644
and I thought, I could do that,
and I'm a kid.
42
00:02:18,885 --> 00:02:22,651
What I love about Krusty is,
he's always on.
43
00:02:22,923 --> 00:02:25,449
But to find out what,
you've gotta test his pee.
44
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Pee!
45
00:02:27,894 --> 00:02:29,453
Seriously, test his pee.
46
00:02:29,663 --> 00:02:31,097
He's a danger
to the community.
47
00:02:31,498 --> 00:02:34,900
And now I give you a man
whose act will never grow old,
48
00:02:35,001 --> 00:02:36,833
because it started out
that way...
49
00:02:39,039 --> 00:02:40,268
Krusty the Clown.
50
00:02:42,642 --> 00:02:46,442
Thank you. I never thought
I'd make it past 400 episodes,
51
00:02:46,580 --> 00:02:48,139
what with the drinking
and the smoking
52
00:02:48,215 --> 00:02:50,115
and the fact that
I'm just not that good.
53
00:02:50,250 --> 00:02:53,481
It seems like just yesterday
that we started the show,
54
00:02:53,587 --> 00:02:55,919
with the original Krusketeers.
55
00:02:58,058 --> 00:03:01,756
Who's our favorite TV clown
who likes to clown around?
56
00:03:01,828 --> 00:03:03,762
K-R-U-S-T-Y
57
00:03:03,830 --> 00:03:07,323
Hey! Quit steppin' on my solo,
ya creepy little show monkeys!
58
00:03:11,938 --> 00:03:14,032
And here they are today!
59
00:03:14,207 --> 00:03:16,039
Come on out, Krusketeers.
60
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I'm Jesse.
61
00:03:22,616 --> 00:03:23,913
C.J.
62
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You owe me money, Krusty.
63
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I did time for you, clown.
64
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Hard time.
65
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Isn't that great?
66
00:03:34,895 --> 00:03:37,159
They all came back
to see me.
67
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That's right.
All except the successful ones.
68
00:03:40,133 --> 00:03:41,726
Now guess what, kids?
69
00:03:41,935 --> 00:03:45,462
The Krusty Show is searching
for a new Krusketeer.
70
00:03:45,605 --> 00:03:48,006
It could be any of you.
71
00:03:48,408 --> 00:03:49,534
As long
as you're willing to sign
72
00:03:49,609 --> 00:03:51,509
a 20-year personal
services contract
73
00:03:51,578 --> 00:03:53,740
where I get 99% of all
your earnings.
74
00:03:54,814 --> 00:03:56,475
I am so gonna try out for that.
75
00:03:56,550 --> 00:03:58,780
Me too.
But I hope you get it.
76
00:03:58,885 --> 00:04:00,410
No, I hope you get it.
77
00:04:00,487 --> 00:04:02,478
Well, I really hope you get it.
78
00:04:02,589 --> 00:04:04,580
Yeah, I hope I get it too.
Later.
79
00:04:04,691 --> 00:04:08,150
For a second there,
he hoped I got it.
80
00:04:19,105 --> 00:04:21,164
A great man once observed...
81
00:04:21,274 --> 00:04:24,710
90% of success is
showing up on time.
82
00:04:24,911 --> 00:04:26,208
Sorry I'm four hours late.
83
00:04:26,379 --> 00:04:28,939
Now let's pick a Krusketeer!
84
00:04:44,197 --> 00:04:45,824
For my first impression...
85
00:04:47,434 --> 00:04:48,924
I'm a lantern fish.
86
00:04:55,208 --> 00:04:57,267
Now I'm a jack-o'-lantern.
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E.T.
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B.E.T.
89
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Yay, Bart!
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My son's a good-for-something!
91
00:05:06,119 --> 00:05:07,780
Yeah, okay.
92
00:05:08,121 --> 00:05:09,816
You kids were all terrific.
93
00:05:09,889 --> 00:05:12,881
I wish I could make
each of you a Krusketeer,
94
00:05:13,059 --> 00:05:15,255
but we only have
enough money for one.
95
00:05:15,395 --> 00:05:16,863
Plus,
I don't really want to.
96
00:05:16,930 --> 00:05:19,865
So, after much consideration
of all your talents,
97
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:22,526
my new Krusketeer is...
98
00:05:22,736 --> 00:05:23,897
What's your kid's name again?
99
00:05:24,037 --> 00:05:25,368
Nelson Muntz.
100
00:05:25,805 --> 00:05:27,603
Wilbur Mudd.
101
00:05:27,707 --> 00:05:29,971
That's me.
Here's Mudd in your eye.
102
00:05:32,712 --> 00:05:35,044
I can't believe I lost.
103
00:05:37,417 --> 00:05:39,909
That's not fair.
Bart was great.
104
00:05:40,954 --> 00:05:43,423
Hey, Krusty,
you're making a huge mistake
105
00:05:43,490 --> 00:05:44,753
not hiring my brother.
106
00:05:44,891 --> 00:05:46,222
Why don't you
hire them both?
107
00:05:46,292 --> 00:05:47,418
It won't cost you anything.
108
00:05:47,527 --> 00:05:48,892
You could call Bart
an intern.
109
00:05:49,029 --> 00:05:50,588
In fact, the intern thing
110
00:05:50,664 --> 00:05:53,725
could open up a whole new world
of free labor for you.
111
00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:55,165
Did you know
the Discovery Channel
112
00:05:55,235 --> 00:05:57,329
doesn't have
a single paid employee?
113
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Okay, kid,
you've convinced me.
114
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To make Bart a Krusketeer?
115
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Hell, no.
To make you my new intern.
116
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You're a real go-getter.
117
00:06:06,112 --> 00:06:07,511
Now go get me
my dry-cleaning,
118
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which is my code word
for scotch.
119
00:06:09,382 --> 00:06:10,577
And get me a scotch,
120
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which is my code word
for my bookie.
121
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Also, go get my dry-cleaning.
122
00:06:14,554 --> 00:06:16,955
- Wha... But...
- Wha, but, wha, wha, wha, but.
123
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What are you
standing around for?
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I wish I was paying you,
so I could dock your salary.
125
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Lisa didn't know it then,
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but she had just dipped her toe
into the business of show.
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And it is a business, as you shall
find out in about three seconds.
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Two... One...
129
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Over the years,
show business has been home
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to scoundrels and saints,
thespians and harlequins,
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Abbotts and Costelli.
132
00:06:43,950 --> 00:06:46,282
And they all had
one thing in common.
133
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An underpaid assistant.
134
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Cancel my 1:00.
135
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Move my 2:00 to 1:00
and cancel that.
136
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Oh, and go to my joke file
and make all the Sophia Lorens
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into Lindsay Lohans.
138
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So do a global change?
139
00:06:58,331 --> 00:06:59,924
What am I, Al Gore?
Just do it.
140
00:07:05,939 --> 00:07:08,067
What are you lookin' at?
141
00:07:08,274 --> 00:07:10,538
I'm just trying to hit my marks.
142
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And I don't?
Is that what you're saying?
143
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No, no. I think
you're a consummate pro.
144
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Oh, so now you're judging me.
145
00:07:17,283 --> 00:07:19,513
Well, what do you think of this?
You're fired!
146
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Yeah, well, my mom says
you're a selfish lover.
147
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I know what I want
and I get it.
148
00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:29,026
I'll trash you in my memoirs!
149
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Pay attention.
You'll be writing my memoirs.
150
00:07:31,331 --> 00:07:33,060
I'll never last here.
151
00:07:33,166 --> 00:07:34,634
Chin up, little gofer.
152
00:07:34,768 --> 00:07:36,862
You can succeed with Krusty.
153
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A few hints. Always carry
a cigar in case he asks.
154
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Never meet his gaze.
155
00:07:41,674 --> 00:07:45,201
And if he mentions Mitzi Gaynor,
and he will,
156
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for God's sake act like
you know who she is.
157
00:07:48,915 --> 00:07:50,679
I got pastrami
stuck in my teeth,
158
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and that's
everybody's problem.
159
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Who's got floss?
160
00:08:00,193 --> 00:08:02,252
Here you go, Krusty.
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Nicely done, kid.
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You're the best thing that's
happened to this business since...
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- Mitzi Gaynor?
- I was gonna say
164
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cheap Korean animation,
but sure.
165
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I can't believe you're working
for Krusty and I'm not.
166
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I know everything
about that clown.
167
00:08:20,947 --> 00:08:22,506
Favorite blintz,
blueberry.
168
00:08:22,582 --> 00:08:25,381
Favorite horse in the 2004
Belmont, Smarty Jones.
169
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Krusty lost a bundle and had to
endorse baby wipes in Norway.
170
00:08:28,521 --> 00:08:29,716
Which I have a case of!
171
00:08:29,823 --> 00:08:31,416
Krusty Klovnen Baby Visker?
172
00:08:36,029 --> 00:08:38,726
Bart's having girl trouble.
You better go talk to him.
173
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It's clown trouble.
174
00:08:40,233 --> 00:08:41,894
That's your responsibility.
175
00:08:42,068 --> 00:08:45,060
I thought I was in charge of
bedtime stories and pets dying.
176
00:08:45,171 --> 00:08:46,764
Yeah, well,
we're adding clowns.
177
00:08:46,873 --> 00:08:48,363
Fine.
178
00:08:48,441 --> 00:08:50,432
But you just bought
yourself ear-piercing
179
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- and strange new feelings.
- Fine.
180
00:08:52,879 --> 00:08:55,610
Lisa's got school,
career, posture.
181
00:08:55,682 --> 00:08:57,548
Why'd she have to steal
Krusty from me?
182
00:08:57,617 --> 00:09:00,917
Son, the healthy thing is
to get rid of everything
183
00:09:00,987 --> 00:09:02,819
that reminds you of Krusty,
184
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which appears to be
everything.
185
00:09:05,058 --> 00:09:07,652
Hey, maybe we should
give Lisa this room.
186
00:09:07,794 --> 00:09:09,694
You know
she works for Krusty now?
187
00:09:11,831 --> 00:09:13,060
Okay, here's my offer.
188
00:09:13,132 --> 00:09:15,191
All this primo
Krusty merchandise
189
00:09:15,301 --> 00:09:17,963
for that copy of Radioactive Man
vs. Muhammad Ali.
190
00:09:18,037 --> 00:09:19,027
My counteroffer.
191
00:09:19,105 --> 00:09:21,767
Radioactive Man
Meets the Kansas City Royals.
192
00:09:21,975 --> 00:09:25,570
How about Radioactive Man
vs. Restless Leg Syndrome?
193
00:09:25,912 --> 00:09:27,937
Let us try a different tack.
194
00:09:28,081 --> 00:09:29,845
Are you interested
in coin collecting?
195
00:09:29,983 --> 00:09:31,610
Am I? No.
196
00:09:34,654 --> 00:09:35,849
Wait, wait, wait.
197
00:09:35,989 --> 00:09:38,219
I will start you off
with this bicentennial quarter
198
00:09:38,324 --> 00:09:40,156
and I will throw in
my man scrunchie.
199
00:09:46,366 --> 00:09:49,028
We'll stick with the coins.
200
00:09:51,204 --> 00:09:52,933
Whoa, nice.
201
00:09:53,106 --> 00:09:54,870
Everything in its place,
202
00:09:54,974 --> 00:09:57,204
nothin' festering
inside of nothin'.
203
00:09:57,377 --> 00:10:00,711
You've alphabetized
my book collection.
204
00:10:00,980 --> 00:10:02,948
I've never had
such a great assistant.
205
00:10:03,950 --> 00:10:06,214
I'm gonna call you
The Goy Wonder.
206
00:10:06,386 --> 00:10:07,945
Because I don't remember
your name.
207
00:10:08,554 --> 00:10:11,182
All right, time to fill
these slots with coins.
208
00:10:11,791 --> 00:10:13,316
Specific coins?
209
00:10:13,459 --> 00:10:15,450
Oh, this hobby sucks.
210
00:10:15,628 --> 00:10:17,858
Son, all hobbies suck.
211
00:10:18,097 --> 00:10:20,623
But if you keep at it,
you might find at the end
212
00:10:20,700 --> 00:10:23,726
that you've managed to
kill some precious time.
213
00:10:24,003 --> 00:10:26,768
Wow, I never thought of it
like that.
214
00:10:26,873 --> 00:10:28,602
Do you want to collect coins
with your old man?
215
00:10:28,675 --> 00:10:30,040
You bet I do!
216
00:10:30,143 --> 00:10:31,304
To your mother's purse.
217
00:10:57,270 --> 00:10:59,170
What are you doing there?
This is me well!
218
00:10:59,272 --> 00:11:01,502
You catch me pennies
around my well...
219
00:11:01,574 --> 00:11:04,066
Oh, yeah? Well, what do you
think of them apples?
220
00:11:05,378 --> 00:11:07,005
I'll take all of ya on.
221
00:11:08,548 --> 00:11:10,038
No, don't put that over that!
222
00:11:10,116 --> 00:11:11,550
Oh, no, I'll never get out!
223
00:11:11,951 --> 00:11:15,387
Slide in the 1863
Confederate half dime
224
00:11:15,588 --> 00:11:17,955
and every slot is full.
225
00:11:18,257 --> 00:11:20,885
This is the first book
I've ever finished reading
226
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,450
or pushing things into.
227
00:11:22,595 --> 00:11:23,960
What the...
We missed one!
228
00:11:26,132 --> 00:11:28,100
The Inverted
Double-struck Penny,
229
00:11:28,167 --> 00:11:31,262
or Kissing Lincolns
was mistakenly minted
230
00:11:31,337 --> 00:11:33,203
in December of 1917,
231
00:11:33,272 --> 00:11:36,731
when a brief glimpse of a woman's
ankle caused three days of rioting
232
00:11:36,809 --> 00:11:38,106
at the Philadelphia Mint.
233
00:11:38,344 --> 00:11:39,812
The one on the left
looks into it,
234
00:11:39,879 --> 00:11:42,473
but the one on the right
is just experimenting.
235
00:11:42,749 --> 00:11:44,808
Son, we are getting
that coin.
236
00:11:47,186 --> 00:11:48,984
Here I am,
walking the plank.
237
00:11:49,188 --> 00:11:52,214
I wish this mean pirate wasn't
poking me with his sword!
238
00:11:52,392 --> 00:11:54,827
- Where's the chimp?
- Mr. Teeny's not here.
239
00:11:54,894 --> 00:11:56,225
He's stuck in traffic.
240
00:11:56,329 --> 00:11:59,264
Oh, what do I do?
I can't ad lib to save my life.
241
00:12:00,700 --> 00:12:02,134
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
242
00:12:02,201 --> 00:12:04,829
Yo-ho-ho
and a bottle of fun
243
00:12:04,937 --> 00:12:06,905
- What are you doing, kid?
- My job.
244
00:12:06,973 --> 00:12:08,839
- Making you look good.
- Oh, yeah, right.
245
00:12:09,142 --> 00:12:12,168
So, what be your name, matey?
246
00:12:12,245 --> 00:12:14,942
Long John Seltzer!
247
00:12:25,658 --> 00:12:28,093
The laughter
swept over her like a wave,
248
00:12:28,161 --> 00:12:31,426
enveloping her
in its intoxicating embrace.
249
00:12:31,664 --> 00:12:34,827
The next week, Krusty went
to his Lake Tahoe retreat
250
00:12:34,901 --> 00:12:37,097
for some R&R.
251
00:12:37,203 --> 00:12:39,763
But he was about to get
an unexpected visit
252
00:12:39,906 --> 00:12:41,806
from a third and fourth R,
253
00:12:41,874 --> 00:12:44,002
Ron Rabinowitz.
254
00:12:44,510 --> 00:12:46,774
Krusty, I've been your agent
for 45 years.
255
00:12:46,846 --> 00:12:49,838
I am telling you, watch out
for this Lisa Simpson character.
256
00:12:49,982 --> 00:12:51,711
She has got a taste
for Lady Laughter,
257
00:12:51,784 --> 00:12:54,253
and she will step right over
a certain clown to get it.
258
00:12:54,353 --> 00:12:56,788
Which clown? Chuckles?
Professor Nitwit?
259
00:12:56,923 --> 00:12:58,254
No, you!
260
00:12:58,357 --> 00:13:01,054
No Yu, the Chinese Clown?
261
00:13:03,196 --> 00:13:05,096
Oh, great one, Krusty.
262
00:13:05,765 --> 00:13:07,597
But seriously,
you're in real trouble here.
263
00:13:08,801 --> 00:13:11,361
Yeah? What do you mean?
264
00:13:11,437 --> 00:13:13,769
If there was a rehearsal
for the network,
265
00:13:14,073 --> 00:13:15,939
I would've been told by my...
266
00:13:16,409 --> 00:13:18,741
Assistant!
267
00:13:19,078 --> 00:13:20,341
Well, where is he?
268
00:13:20,446 --> 00:13:22,175
I don't know, I guess he forgot.
269
00:13:22,548 --> 00:13:24,516
But people seemed
to like me last week.
270
00:13:24,917 --> 00:13:26,510
You stood in for Mr. Teeny.
271
00:13:26,586 --> 00:13:28,213
How'd you like to stand in
for Krusty?
272
00:13:28,321 --> 00:13:31,655
Oh, well, it's one thing
to fill in for a monkey.
273
00:13:31,991 --> 00:13:33,459
But a comedy legend?
274
00:13:33,559 --> 00:13:34,856
I wouldn't dream of it.
275
00:13:35,027 --> 00:13:36,893
I respect that.
Cancel the run-through.
276
00:13:36,996 --> 00:13:38,191
Okay, I'll do the monologue.
277
00:13:40,433 --> 00:13:42,299
Evening, Mr. Krusty.
Great show last...
278
00:13:42,368 --> 00:13:44,393
Sorry, I can't act
like you matter!
279
00:13:50,643 --> 00:13:52,668
Have no fear,
the star is here!
280
00:13:52,745 --> 00:13:53,974
We're working!
281
00:13:55,615 --> 00:13:58,141
So the centipede says,
I'm goin'! I'm goin'!
282
00:13:58,217 --> 00:14:00,208
I'm just putting on my shoes!
283
00:14:02,488 --> 00:14:04,855
Now, that's
well-performed comedy!
284
00:14:05,024 --> 00:14:06,890
Oh, my God.
285
00:14:06,993 --> 00:14:09,223
Everything you said
came true, Ron.
286
00:14:09,428 --> 00:14:10,452
Ron?
287
00:14:10,563 --> 00:14:12,088
So you'll come to
the agency tomorrow
288
00:14:12,198 --> 00:14:14,132
and I'll introduce you
to the whole team, okay?
289
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:15,463
You like egg white omelets?
290
00:14:15,535 --> 00:14:17,299
I'll be waiting.
You're a good girl.
291
00:14:18,804 --> 00:14:21,569
I've been replaced
by an eight-year-old.
292
00:14:21,674 --> 00:14:22,869
I can be eight!
293
00:14:23,609 --> 00:14:25,077
La, la, la, la
294
00:14:25,144 --> 00:14:26,543
I'm eight years old.
295
00:14:33,719 --> 00:14:37,417
Krusty, you've learned
that fame, that fickle beauty,
296
00:14:37,523 --> 00:14:39,389
can leave you
when you need it most.
297
00:14:39,492 --> 00:14:42,223
And Lisa had a lesson
to learn as well.
298
00:14:42,328 --> 00:14:44,228
A lesson about...
You, there!
299
00:14:44,330 --> 00:14:46,424
- Cut that out!
- Sorry, sorry.
300
00:14:50,670 --> 00:14:53,503
Thank you, folks.
You've been a great audience.
301
00:14:55,775 --> 00:14:57,641
I'm gonna keep this forever!
302
00:14:58,177 --> 00:15:01,704
All of Springfield
fell head over heels for Lisa.
303
00:15:02,181 --> 00:15:03,546
Here she comes. Quick.
304
00:15:03,716 --> 00:15:06,208
Switch from internal monologue
to external dialogue!
305
00:15:06,385 --> 00:15:09,252
Shall we visit the commissary
to toast your success?
306
00:15:09,388 --> 00:15:12,050
Yeah, sure, Mel. Let me just wave
one more good-bye to my fans.
307
00:15:30,009 --> 00:15:32,376
While applause
rained down on Lisa,
308
00:15:32,445 --> 00:15:34,880
poor Krusty
found himself parched.
309
00:15:34,947 --> 00:15:37,006
It's 3:32 a.m.
310
00:15:37,149 --> 00:15:38,913
which means it's time for
311
00:15:39,118 --> 00:15:42,110
Last Gasp
with Krusty the Clown!
312
00:15:43,522 --> 00:15:45,991
Brought to you
by Nappien, Nok-em-Out
313
00:15:46,058 --> 00:15:47,890
and Nok-em-Out Jr. for kids.
314
00:15:48,027 --> 00:15:51,622
Tonight's guest is local bully,
Jimbo Jones?
315
00:15:55,368 --> 00:15:57,803
This is the lowest
I've ever sunk,
316
00:15:57,937 --> 00:16:00,338
and I once made out
with a blow-up doll.
317
00:16:08,281 --> 00:16:11,182
Sorry you broke up
with me now, Cindy?
318
00:16:11,450 --> 00:16:14,249
One of these has got to be
that smooching Lincoln penny.
319
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:16,379
Nope. Nope. Dime. Button.
320
00:16:16,455 --> 00:16:17,786
- Pepperoni slice.
- Wait!
321
00:16:17,890 --> 00:16:21,326
This is a classic
1978 Pizza Hut!
322
00:16:22,928 --> 00:16:25,795
Terrible.
323
00:16:25,998 --> 00:16:27,898
Nope. Nope. Nope.
324
00:16:27,967 --> 00:16:31,028
Son, coin collecting's
a lot like life.
325
00:16:31,103 --> 00:16:34,266
It stopped being fun
a long time ago.
326
00:16:34,373 --> 00:16:37,308
But unlike life,
I have a solution for this.
327
00:16:38,844 --> 00:16:40,676
Going once, going twice,
328
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:42,507
sold to Mr. Burns!
329
00:16:42,682 --> 00:16:44,150
I've won every coin.
330
00:16:44,216 --> 00:16:46,617
But I feel strangely empty.
331
00:16:46,686 --> 00:16:48,654
There's another coin.
That should do it.
332
00:16:48,754 --> 00:16:50,916
Our last item up for bid
is a mint condition
333
00:16:50,990 --> 00:16:53,459
1917 Kissing Lincoln penny.
334
00:16:53,559 --> 00:16:55,926
Okay, boy, this is it, $5!
335
00:16:55,995 --> 00:16:59,659
- $500.
- $5 cash!
336
00:16:59,765 --> 00:17:02,962
Sir, the promise of cash
is not an enticement.
337
00:17:03,069 --> 00:17:04,901
The current bid is $500.
338
00:17:04,970 --> 00:17:06,961
Do I hear a counter bid?
Going once...
339
00:17:07,106 --> 00:17:08,540
- Going twice...
- Dad?
340
00:17:08,607 --> 00:17:10,575
- $501!
- $10 million.
341
00:17:10,676 --> 00:17:11,666
Objection, Your Honor.
342
00:17:11,777 --> 00:17:14,337
Sir, I am not a judge.
But overruled.
343
00:17:14,413 --> 00:17:16,814
Sold to Mr. Burns
for $10 million!
344
00:17:21,287 --> 00:17:23,984
I paid a pretty penny
for this pretty penny,
345
00:17:24,056 --> 00:17:25,888
but it was worth it.
346
00:17:27,393 --> 00:17:30,192
Mr. Burns, my son and I have
been collecting coins.
347
00:17:30,396 --> 00:17:32,922
It's really brought us
closer together.
348
00:17:33,099 --> 00:17:36,626
That penny you bought tonight
would mean the world to him.
349
00:17:36,869 --> 00:17:38,337
Yes, but the problem is,
350
00:17:38,437 --> 00:17:40,838
if you had it, I wouldn't.
351
00:17:41,040 --> 00:17:42,166
You see the difficulty.
352
00:17:42,341 --> 00:17:44,332
Yeah.
353
00:17:44,510 --> 00:17:47,810
I'll tell you what, at least
help me buy the boy a gumball.
354
00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:49,541
Do you have change
for a nickel?
355
00:17:49,615 --> 00:17:50,639
Oh, of course.
356
00:17:51,650 --> 00:17:53,175
Smithers, step on it!
357
00:17:53,319 --> 00:17:56,289
I only gave him four cents
for that nickel.
358
00:17:56,355 --> 00:17:59,052
Monty Burns wins a...
359
00:17:59,358 --> 00:18:02,020
And done.
360
00:18:02,194 --> 00:18:05,494
Now, let's put it on a shelf
and never look at it again.
361
00:18:05,631 --> 00:18:07,497
You got it, boy.
362
00:18:09,402 --> 00:18:11,928
And so,
bonded by love and larceny,
363
00:18:12,071 --> 00:18:14,267
father and son got dressed,
364
00:18:14,707 --> 00:18:16,368
had a minor disagreement...
365
00:18:16,442 --> 00:18:18,069
You little...
366
00:18:18,844 --> 00:18:19,970
Patched things up...
367
00:18:21,747 --> 00:18:23,579
I'm sorry, Dad.
368
00:18:23,682 --> 00:18:25,150
And went downtown,
369
00:18:25,317 --> 00:18:30,118
where they watched proudly,
as Lisa accepted her award.
370
00:18:35,661 --> 00:18:37,686
Lisa, before you walk away
371
00:18:37,763 --> 00:18:39,060
from this venerable hall
372
00:18:39,131 --> 00:18:41,532
and into the arms
of your adoring fans,
373
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:43,034
may I have a moment?
374
00:18:43,135 --> 00:18:46,127
Well, I do owe you everything.
Make it quick.
375
00:18:46,305 --> 00:18:50,435
Behold your fellow winners of
the Entertainer of the Year Award.
376
00:18:50,543 --> 00:18:52,568
I don't recognize any of them.
377
00:18:52,678 --> 00:18:54,339
And why should you?
378
00:18:54,580 --> 00:18:57,106
He appears nightly on Broadway,
379
00:18:57,183 --> 00:18:59,675
selling combs and mints
in the men's room.
380
00:18:59,785 --> 00:19:02,516
She was fired
after a bad rehearsal
381
00:19:02,588 --> 00:19:04,818
from Homeboys In Outer Space.
382
00:19:04,957 --> 00:19:07,187
And perhaps the saddest
one of all,
383
00:19:07,259 --> 00:19:10,559
he graced stages from
London to Los Angeles.
384
00:19:10,763 --> 00:19:13,255
When he played Biff
in Death Of A Salesman,
385
00:19:13,332 --> 00:19:15,300
every woman in the audience
386
00:19:15,367 --> 00:19:16,926
wished they were Hap.
387
00:19:17,002 --> 00:19:21,371
But that was before
he took the bone.
388
00:19:22,575 --> 00:19:24,976
Melvin Van Horne.
389
00:19:26,412 --> 00:19:29,177
Sideshow Mel? It's you!
390
00:19:29,248 --> 00:19:31,114
How could this
happen to you,
391
00:19:31,183 --> 00:19:33,083
to all these wonderful
performers?
392
00:19:33,185 --> 00:19:35,483
Applause is an addiction,
393
00:19:35,588 --> 00:19:38,717
like heroin or
checking your e-mail.
394
00:19:38,891 --> 00:19:40,154
Once you have a taste,
395
00:19:40,226 --> 00:19:42,388
you'll do anything
to get more.
396
00:19:42,495 --> 00:19:44,520
Don't end up like
these people.
397
00:19:44,663 --> 00:19:46,495
Don't end up like...
398
00:19:47,500 --> 00:19:48,763
Me.
399
00:19:50,803 --> 00:19:52,897
I need to get out
while I still can.
400
00:19:52,972 --> 00:19:54,133
Thank you, Mel.
401
00:19:55,407 --> 00:19:56,431
Everyone, wait!
402
00:19:56,542 --> 00:19:58,806
There's someone
I forgot to thank,
403
00:19:58,878 --> 00:20:00,141
and he's here tonight.
404
00:20:00,212 --> 00:20:02,442
Krusty, will you
come up on stage, please?
405
00:20:02,615 --> 00:20:03,639
What do you want?
406
00:20:03,716 --> 00:20:06,117
You've already taken
everything I care about.
407
00:20:06,452 --> 00:20:08,978
Really?
So what else is in the news?
408
00:20:09,121 --> 00:20:11,783
This just in,
I don't give a crap.
409
00:20:11,857 --> 00:20:13,689
I'm trying
to set you up for laughs.
410
00:20:13,759 --> 00:20:16,251
Trying to set me up
with a giraffe?
411
00:20:17,630 --> 00:20:19,894
Oh, right.
You guys know about giraffes.
412
00:20:19,965 --> 00:20:22,696
- Long legs, big neck.
- Here comes the zinger.
413
00:20:22,801 --> 00:20:26,795
Speaking of necks, my girlfriend
is a real pain in mine.
414
00:20:26,872 --> 00:20:28,931
She crashed her car
into mine and said...
415
00:20:29,008 --> 00:20:31,067
Look, honey,
we have a hybrid.
416
00:20:33,345 --> 00:20:34,335
Timely.
417
00:20:36,348 --> 00:20:38,248
By giving everything away,
418
00:20:38,317 --> 00:20:41,446
she was able to keep
the only thing that mattered,
419
00:20:41,587 --> 00:20:42,850
her dignity.
420
00:20:44,623 --> 00:20:46,955
God, how I envy her.
421
00:20:48,661 --> 00:20:51,153
I think I'm in love!
422
00:20:51,230 --> 00:20:52,391
Krusty, please.
423
00:20:52,464 --> 00:20:54,899
My wife is giving birth
as we speak!
424
00:20:54,967 --> 00:20:56,799
Just four more takes.
Come on.
425
00:20:58,804 --> 00:21:01,432
No!
Oh, Krusty, have a heart.