1
00:00:10,494 --> 00:00:12,162
Ah!
2
00:00:46,726 --> 00:00:47,726
D'oh!
3
00:00:50,996 --> 00:00:53,031
Hello, boy.
Why, you...!
4
00:00:56,301 --> 00:01:00,603
♪ The Simpsons 21x23 ♪
Judge Me Tender
Original Air Date on May 23, 2010
5
00:01:00,673 --> 00:01:04,675
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --
6
00:01:07,078 --> 00:01:08,945
That is disgusting!
7
00:01:09,013 --> 00:01:11,514
Hang on. Here's a spot
that still looks good.
8
00:01:12,783 --> 00:01:15,418
So, do we have a winner?
9
00:01:15,486 --> 00:01:17,354
Hmm...
10
00:01:17,422 --> 00:01:19,156
Not ugly enough.
11
00:01:19,224 --> 00:01:21,193
I want something
that looks like this...
12
00:01:21,260 --> 00:01:22,428
Ay, caramba!
13
00:01:22,496 --> 00:01:24,097
...had a baby with this,
14
00:01:24,165 --> 00:01:26,435
and it got sat on by this.
15
00:01:26,503 --> 00:01:29,439
I think I've come up
with the answer.
16
00:01:29,507 --> 00:01:33,274
Oh... my... God!
17
00:01:33,339 --> 00:01:36,603
You never fail
to nauseate me, boy.
18
00:01:36,671 --> 00:01:39,773
Just call me "Barf Simpson."
19
00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:41,407
I wanted to,
20
00:01:41,475 --> 00:01:43,209
but your mother said
kids might tease you.
21
00:01:50,918 --> 00:01:52,853
Half an hour to showtime,
your ugliness.
22
00:01:52,921 --> 00:01:54,088
Dad, do you realize
23
00:01:54,155 --> 00:01:55,756
we've put more time
into this
24
00:01:55,824 --> 00:01:57,825
than all my schoolwork
combined?
25
00:01:57,892 --> 00:02:00,661
But if we win this,
we get a gift certificate.
26
00:02:00,728 --> 00:02:01,895
For what?
27
00:02:01,963 --> 00:02:04,097
It doesn't matter.
28
00:02:16,144 --> 00:02:17,144
How ya doin'?
29
00:02:17,212 --> 00:02:18,746
I need a diaper
for my chimp
30
00:02:18,813 --> 00:02:20,013
that won't upset
my tiger's stomach
31
00:02:20,081 --> 00:02:21,847
if he eats the chimp.
32
00:02:21,915 --> 00:02:24,516
Fear not.
Our chimp diapers have
33
00:02:24,584 --> 00:02:27,919
that nutty cinnamon taste
tigers love.
34
00:02:30,121 --> 00:02:33,657
Mmm!
It's a great time to be a tiger.
35
00:02:35,260 --> 00:02:37,661
Mr. Flanders,
how did you make
36
00:02:37,729 --> 00:02:38,996
these amazing fish?
37
00:02:39,063 --> 00:02:40,931
Actually,
God made some fish
38
00:02:40,998 --> 00:02:42,832
that were pretty
close to these,
39
00:02:42,900 --> 00:02:45,568
so naturally we selected those
for further breeding.
40
00:02:45,636 --> 00:02:49,838
So that natural selection was
the origin of this species?
41
00:02:49,906 --> 00:02:50,873
Yup, that's exactly...
42
00:02:50,940 --> 00:02:52,441
Whoa-oa-oa!
43
00:02:52,508 --> 00:02:54,542
You almost got me.
44
00:02:57,413 --> 00:02:59,847
Not on my watch!
45
00:03:11,094 --> 00:03:12,294
This seat taken?
46
00:03:12,361 --> 00:03:14,095
Uh, yes,
I'm saving it for...
47
00:03:14,163 --> 00:03:15,863
this soy sauce packet.
48
00:03:15,931 --> 00:03:17,565
Aw, man, you know
you're a loser
49
00:03:17,633 --> 00:03:20,167
when they don't even work hard
on the excus
50
00:03:20,235 --> 00:03:22,002
I'll just sit here, then.
51
00:03:24,706 --> 00:03:26,707
Thanks a lot, everyone.
52
00:03:26,808 --> 00:03:28,909
Choke on yourselves.
53
00:03:28,977 --> 00:03:30,978
Ah, here we go.
54
00:03:31,045 --> 00:03:32,879
Oh, no, you don't.
55
00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:43,555
Whoa, that one's so ugly,
56
00:03:43,623 --> 00:03:46,825
it reminds me
of my ex-wife! Hah!
57
00:03:50,265 --> 00:03:51,999
That one reminds me
of her lawyer.
58
00:03:53,399 --> 00:03:54,266
Congress...
59
00:03:54,332 --> 00:03:55,900
elderly drivers...
60
00:03:55,968 --> 00:03:57,335
commercials...
61
00:03:57,403 --> 00:03:59,137
Bella Abzug...
62
00:03:59,204 --> 00:04:01,839
Hey, clown, we've heard
your stand-up!
63
00:04:01,907 --> 00:04:03,540
Now how about
some shut-up!
64
00:04:05,175 --> 00:04:07,309
Everybody's a comedian.
65
00:04:07,377 --> 00:04:08,177
Except you!
66
00:04:10,012 --> 00:04:12,947
Well, why don't you come up here
and try to entertain 'em?
67
00:04:13,015 --> 00:04:14,314
Do it, Moe!
Come on, Moe!
68
00:04:14,382 --> 00:04:15,715
Entertain us!
69
00:04:15,783 --> 00:04:17,350
Well, I guess
I could. Uh...
70
00:04:17,418 --> 00:04:18,852
At least
I'd get a chair.
71
00:04:24,157 --> 00:04:25,256
Check it out.
72
00:04:25,323 --> 00:04:26,257
Two train wrecks
connected
73
00:04:26,323 --> 00:04:27,724
by a strip of leather.
74
00:04:29,393 --> 00:04:31,961
I don't wanna say it's ugly,
75
00:04:32,029 --> 00:04:34,698
but PETA called and said
we should kill this one.
76
00:04:36,701 --> 00:04:38,934
And now, owned by one
of the ugliest families
77
00:04:39,002 --> 00:04:40,235
in Springfield...
78
00:04:40,302 --> 00:04:42,570
Satan's Little Helper!
79
00:04:45,577 --> 00:04:47,211
Oh! Whoa!
80
00:04:47,278 --> 00:04:49,112
Even the Koreans
wouldn't touch this dog!
81
00:04:52,717 --> 00:04:54,984
We have a winner!
82
00:04:59,890 --> 00:05:01,825
Oh...
83
00:05:01,892 --> 00:05:04,861
Ooh, everyone's coming over
to congratulate us!
84
00:05:04,928 --> 00:05:06,695
Humble faces, kids!
85
00:05:06,763 --> 00:05:07,796
Humbler!
86
00:05:07,864 --> 00:05:10,065
Lisa, too humble.
87
00:05:12,635 --> 00:05:13,935
Hmm?!
88
00:05:14,002 --> 00:05:15,069
You're hilarious!
89
00:05:15,136 --> 00:05:16,303
Judge my baby!
90
00:05:16,370 --> 00:05:17,771
Say something cruel
about me!
91
00:05:17,839 --> 00:05:19,805
Would you do
my kid's birthday party?
92
00:05:19,873 --> 00:05:22,006
ALL
Moe! Moe! Moe!
93
00:05:22,074 --> 00:05:24,041
Wow, they love me for my bile.
94
00:05:24,108 --> 00:05:25,808
And I got a spleenful!
95
00:05:25,876 --> 00:05:27,810
Hel-lo!
96
00:05:30,714 --> 00:05:33,351
No, no, no, I don't need your
fair-weather friendship...
97
00:05:35,054 --> 00:05:37,588
...is what I'll say
tomorrow morning!
98
00:05:39,708 --> 00:05:41,376
Man, you sure saved
that dog show.
99
00:05:41,444 --> 00:05:43,311
Moe, you were hilarious.
100
00:05:43,379 --> 00:05:45,312
Ah, I was just doin'
what comes naturally to me;
101
00:05:45,380 --> 00:05:46,780
being mean to animals.
102
00:05:46,848 --> 00:05:50,415
Uh, excuse me, sir.
103
00:05:50,483 --> 00:05:52,284
I was wondering
if you would judge
104
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:55,388
an outrageous beard contest
I'm in tonight.
105
00:05:55,455 --> 00:05:57,223
Well, uh, anyone can get
a laugh
106
00:05:57,291 --> 00:05:58,725
at the expense
of an ugly dog.
107
00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:00,093
But crazy beards?
108
00:06:00,161 --> 00:06:01,795
That's where
the big boys play.
109
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,429
You got
the gift, baby!
Come on, Moe.
110
00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:05,531
Can you make it sound
like girls askin' me?
111
00:06:05,599 --> 00:06:08,433
Oh, Moe,
please do it! Oh!
Please? Moe, please?
112
00:06:08,500 --> 00:06:11,167
Okay, you crazy
dames, I'll do it!
113
00:06:12,769 --> 00:06:15,503
Which means this joint is closed
for the night.
114
00:06:15,571 --> 00:06:17,071
Don't be that way!
You kidding me?
115
00:06:17,139 --> 00:06:18,405
You can't close!
116
00:06:18,473 --> 00:06:20,507
I'll have to go home
and drink better beer
117
00:06:20,575 --> 00:06:23,676
at half the price
in natural lighting!
118
00:06:23,744 --> 00:06:26,178
I didn't want
to have to do this.
119
00:06:30,016 --> 00:06:32,151
Yeah, that's right!
Scatter, ya cockroaches!
120
00:06:32,218 --> 00:06:35,521
Mr. Szyslak, would you like
to buy some band candy?
121
00:06:35,589 --> 00:06:37,356
That doesn't work
on me.
122
00:06:37,424 --> 00:06:38,657
Oh, yeah?
123
00:06:38,725 --> 00:06:41,692
How 'bout this
scary face?!
124
00:06:41,759 --> 00:06:45,360
I can see that down deep is
a decent man.
125
00:06:45,428 --> 00:06:47,262
Fine.
126
00:06:53,436 --> 00:06:54,436
You're home early!
127
00:06:54,504 --> 00:06:56,271
Oh, can't a guy rush home
from work
128
00:06:56,339 --> 00:06:57,405
to see his beautiful...
129
00:06:57,473 --> 00:06:58,840
Moe's is closed, huh?
130
00:06:58,908 --> 00:06:59,874
Yeah.
131
00:06:59,942 --> 00:07:02,009
Now what
am I supposed to do?
132
00:07:02,077 --> 00:07:03,643
We can enjoy each
others' company.
133
00:07:03,711 --> 00:07:04,644
Okay.
134
00:07:06,648 --> 00:07:08,948
Still wanna be
at Moe's?
135
00:07:09,016 --> 00:07:11,784
She's right, Homer.
You're happier there.
136
00:07:11,852 --> 00:07:14,553
Mr. Szyslak, you want
to buy some band candy?
137
00:07:14,621 --> 00:07:17,724
Even in the thought bubble,
I gotta buy band candy?
138
00:07:19,426 --> 00:07:20,960
Looks like you ate
139
00:07:21,028 --> 00:07:23,459
a Rastafarian, and he's
comin' back up on ya!
140
00:07:25,494 --> 00:07:26,460
Now looky here.
141
00:07:26,528 --> 00:07:28,728
I'm no judge of talent,
142
00:07:28,796 --> 00:07:30,496
but I am a judge
of judging.
143
00:07:30,564 --> 00:07:31,863
And in my judge
judgment,
144
00:07:31,931 --> 00:07:33,765
you have a talent
fojudging talent.
145
00:07:33,832 --> 00:07:36,000
You talk like my ass plays
harmonica.
146
00:07:36,067 --> 00:07:38,535
You should share
147
00:07:38,603 --> 00:07:41,300
your hilarious hate
with everyone!
148
00:07:41,368 --> 00:07:43,904
♪ Why can't you be nicer
to me? ♪
149
00:07:49,509 --> 00:07:52,445
♪ My pride is dying ♪
150
00:07:52,512 --> 00:07:55,113
♪ I think I'm all done
lying, oh... ♪
151
00:08:05,988 --> 00:08:07,656
I didn't see you come in.
152
00:08:07,723 --> 00:08:08,923
Well, since Moe's is
closed again,
153
00:08:08,991 --> 00:08:10,725
I thought I'd help
you cook dinner.
154
00:08:10,793 --> 00:08:12,560
Well, I don't need
much help,
155
00:08:12,627 --> 00:08:15,329
but you can keep me company.
156
00:08:18,509 --> 00:08:19,610
You know what?
157
00:08:19,677 --> 00:08:21,612
I'll just cook this later.
158
00:08:24,950 --> 00:08:26,550
What are we watching?
159
00:08:26,618 --> 00:08:28,185
Uh, I'm gonna go
read a book.
160
00:08:31,623 --> 00:08:33,358
Huh?
161
00:08:33,426 --> 00:08:36,029
After the title page,
it's Bob Dole's memoirs.
162
00:08:37,531 --> 00:08:39,032
This is terrible!
163
00:08:39,099 --> 00:08:41,735
I've seen better stitching on
a baseball glove!
164
00:08:41,803 --> 00:08:43,403
Can I have another corpse?
165
00:08:43,471 --> 00:08:45,305
They weren't corpses.
166
00:08:45,373 --> 00:08:46,639
Uh-oh.
167
00:08:49,543 --> 00:08:51,177
Moe Szyslak?
168
00:08:51,244 --> 00:08:53,245
I'm from U.C.A.A.,
the Uncreative Artists Agency.
169
00:08:53,312 --> 00:08:55,546
We represent some
of the biggest stars on TV.
170
00:08:55,614 --> 00:08:57,281
TV, huh?
That crap still on?
171
00:08:57,348 --> 00:08:59,282
Yes, sir. Never been crappier.
172
00:08:59,350 --> 00:09:01,250
Listen, Moe,
reality shows are
looking for judges,
173
00:09:01,318 --> 00:09:02,452
and you're that
mythical creature
174
00:09:02,519 --> 00:09:04,153
we thought we would
never find:
175
00:09:04,221 --> 00:09:06,288
you're mean, you're funny
and you're not British!
176
00:09:06,355 --> 00:09:07,689
I am so not British.
177
00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:10,424
Don't let this pasty face
and bad teeth fool ya.
178
00:09:10,492 --> 00:09:11,325
Perfect!
179
00:09:11,392 --> 00:09:12,926
So, what kind of reality shows
180
00:09:12,993 --> 00:09:14,127
are we talkin' about here?
181
00:09:14,194 --> 00:09:15,627
Well, to name
just a few:
182
00:09:15,695 --> 00:09:17,695
America's Ripest Bananas,
So You Think You Can Judge,
183
00:09:17,763 --> 00:09:19,999
Who Wants to be a Welder?
Poodle Versus Elephant...
184
00:09:20,067 --> 00:09:22,602
Leg Swap, Old People Try
to Figure Out Computers,
185
00:09:22,670 --> 00:09:24,804
American Idol,
Dancing With Cars of the Stars,
186
00:09:24,872 --> 00:09:27,207
America's Drunkest Nobody,
Let's Make a Veal...
187
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:28,041
Love that show.
188
00:09:28,109 --> 00:09:29,642
Somali Pirate Apprentice.
189
00:09:29,710 --> 00:09:30,810
Right, yeah,
with those guys.
190
00:09:30,878 --> 00:09:31,811
Fix Andy Dick.
191
00:09:31,879 --> 00:09:33,045
It's about time.
192
00:09:33,113 --> 00:09:34,848
Bottom Chef,
My Life On Kathy Griffin,
193
00:09:34,915 --> 00:09:37,184
Pimp My Crypt, Are You Fatter
Than a Fifth Grader?
194
00:09:37,252 --> 00:09:39,019
and Grave Robbers
of Orange County.
195
00:09:39,086 --> 00:09:40,654
Geez, that's, uh,
quite a list.
196
00:09:40,721 --> 00:09:42,222
Hang on.
I'm getting a text.
197
00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:43,524
Ooh, those were all
just canceled,
198
00:09:43,591 --> 00:09:44,792
except for American Idol.
199
00:09:44,859 --> 00:09:45,993
Did you just say
"Armenian Idol"?
200
00:09:46,061 --> 00:09:47,160
'Cause that's my favorite show!
201
00:09:47,226 --> 00:09:48,893
No, no, no, no, no,
American Idol.
202
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:49,993
Oh, yeah.
203
00:09:50,060 --> 00:09:51,392
Who's their Egor Glumov?
204
00:09:51,460 --> 00:09:52,459
Randy Jackson.
205
00:09:52,527 --> 00:09:53,827
Ah, good enough.
206
00:10:01,347 --> 00:10:03,248
Uh, hey, driver,
could you put on a song
207
00:10:03,315 --> 00:10:05,183
about California
or Los Angeles?
208
00:10:05,251 --> 00:10:06,451
Ah, they all suck.
209
00:10:06,519 --> 00:10:08,888
But here's a great one
about Alabama!
210
00:10:08,956 --> 00:10:14,128
♪ Sweet home Alabama ♪
211
00:10:14,196 --> 00:10:18,564
♪ Where the skies are so blue ♪
212
00:10:18,631 --> 00:10:23,333
♪ Sweet home Alabama ♪
213
00:10:23,401 --> 00:10:26,605
♪ Lord, I'm coming home
to you. ♪
214
00:10:33,812 --> 00:10:35,446
Now that I have
all this free time,
215
00:10:35,514 --> 00:10:37,515
I thought I would do you
a huge favor.
216
00:10:37,582 --> 00:10:38,649
That's nice.
217
00:10:38,717 --> 00:10:39,884
What kind of favor?
218
00:10:39,951 --> 00:10:41,919
I organized
the kitchen.
219
00:10:41,986 --> 00:10:44,921
I labeled everything
with a labelmaker...
220
00:10:44,988 --> 00:10:49,657
and I mixed all the spices
together into one super spice!
221
00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:56,797
Oh-oh, what kind
of ventilating is that?
222
00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:58,165
Hyper!
223
00:11:05,537 --> 00:11:06,837
Wow, Marge,
224
00:11:06,904 --> 00:11:09,706
I can't believe you're
taking me to a sports bar.
225
00:11:09,773 --> 00:11:13,877
Well, it's been such a blessing
having you around the house.
226
00:11:13,944 --> 00:11:16,846
Making my life easier,
as you so put it.
227
00:11:16,914 --> 00:11:18,881
So I thought you
deserved a reward.
228
00:11:28,091 --> 00:11:29,691
Watching hockey.
229
00:11:29,759 --> 00:11:31,493
Watching them
pass that puck.
230
00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:32,694
Oh, yeah.
231
00:11:32,761 --> 00:11:34,695
Lacrosse, idiot.
232
00:11:34,763 --> 00:11:37,498
Hey, man, can you
settle a bet?
233
00:11:37,566 --> 00:11:39,700
What was the
greatest XFL team
234
00:11:39,768 --> 00:11:41,603
that never won
a championship?
235
00:11:41,670 --> 00:11:44,440
Uh, the Long Island
Iced Teas?
236
00:11:44,508 --> 00:11:46,643
I think you want the gay bar
across the street.
237
00:11:50,844 --> 00:11:54,245
As an eight-year-old girl
in 21st-century America,
238
00:11:54,313 --> 00:11:57,615
I know how it is to feel
insecure about your looks.
239
00:11:57,682 --> 00:11:59,917
But you've got so much
going for you.
240
00:11:59,985 --> 00:12:02,052
I'd kill for your
sense of smell.
241
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:03,921
You have a nice firm handshake.
242
00:12:03,988 --> 00:12:07,357
And when you wag your tail,
it really lights up a room.
243
00:12:07,424 --> 00:12:09,559
Now let's scoot together.
244
00:12:17,100 --> 00:12:18,900
Wow, I can't believe I'm here.
245
00:12:18,967 --> 00:12:21,335
The place where magic is made.
246
00:12:23,170 --> 00:12:25,838
I really appreciate you
showing me around, Simon.
247
00:12:25,905 --> 00:12:27,339
Always happy to
help the newbies.
248
00:12:27,406 --> 00:12:28,573
And how do you like L.A.?
249
00:12:28,641 --> 00:12:30,142
Oh, it's a helluva city.
250
00:12:30,210 --> 00:12:32,111
It's like somebody
stepped on New York
251
00:12:32,179 --> 00:12:33,746
and scraped it off
on the beach.
252
00:12:33,814 --> 00:12:34,814
Clever.
253
00:12:34,882 --> 00:12:35,848
Slightly nasty.
254
00:12:35,916 --> 00:12:37,416
Very impressive.
255
00:12:37,484 --> 00:12:39,218
You know, I don't say
this often, Moe,
256
00:12:39,285 --> 00:12:41,385
but I actually think you're
quite good at this.
257
00:12:42,754 --> 00:12:45,356
Oh, well... Oh, nuts.
258
00:12:45,423 --> 00:12:46,658
Here come the paparazzi.
259
00:12:57,968 --> 00:13:00,803
Homie, I thought you
were at that sports bar.
260
00:13:00,871 --> 00:13:03,772
Well, that place was for
die-hard sports fans.
261
00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:05,507
Not guys like me, who are
262
00:13:05,575 --> 00:13:07,876
only fans when their team
makes the playoffs.
263
00:13:07,944 --> 00:13:11,045
So I decided to take
apart the washing machine
264
00:13:11,113 --> 00:13:13,281
to see where that penny
I left in my pants went.
265
00:13:13,348 --> 00:13:16,451
Well, I am glad you're
spending more time with us,
266
00:13:16,518 --> 00:13:19,219
but maybe you should get a
plumber to help you with that.
267
00:13:19,287 --> 00:13:20,988
Oh, those guys
are all crooks.
268
00:13:21,055 --> 00:13:23,623
They charge you for
parts and labor?
269
00:13:23,691 --> 00:13:24,891
Pick one, buddy.
270
00:13:24,959 --> 00:13:27,293
I can do this
just fine by myself.
271
00:13:29,229 --> 00:13:30,763
Don't worry, I got it.
272
00:13:42,076 --> 00:13:44,909
Sure is hell to have
your husband around all
the time, ain't it?
273
00:13:44,977 --> 00:13:47,708
At least in hell,
the heat still works.
274
00:13:47,776 --> 00:13:51,881
Well, I do know something
that could occupy his time.
275
00:13:51,949 --> 00:13:53,649
A lot of his time.
276
00:13:53,717 --> 00:13:56,451
Seen it work with plenty
of men my age.
277
00:13:56,519 --> 00:13:59,588
Only thing is,
you may not get him back.
278
00:13:59,655 --> 00:14:00,755
What is it?
279
00:14:00,823 --> 00:14:02,589
Golf.
280
00:14:04,925 --> 00:14:06,725
Hey there, neighbor.
281
00:14:06,793 --> 00:14:08,893
You look as puffed up
as a peacock in a...
282
00:14:14,165 --> 00:14:16,200
Golf it is.
283
00:14:16,268 --> 00:14:17,501
Golf what is?
284
00:14:19,571 --> 00:14:22,073
Uh, you wanted
to see me, Simon?
285
00:14:22,140 --> 00:14:23,707
Moe, as you know,
286
00:14:23,775 --> 00:14:26,177
over the past few days I've
grown rather fond of you.
287
00:14:26,244 --> 00:14:28,479
I can't believe you gave
me your home phone number.
288
00:14:28,547 --> 00:14:30,114
That's not my home number.
289
00:14:30,182 --> 00:14:32,283
That's my assistant's
work number.
290
00:14:32,351 --> 00:14:34,652
Now, Moe, I want to give you
a friendly warning--
291
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:36,755
don't do what I did.
292
00:14:36,822 --> 00:14:38,924
Don't become the mean judge.
293
00:14:38,991 --> 00:14:40,925
But it's brought you everything
a man could want.
294
00:14:40,993 --> 00:14:43,124
Uh, I bet you throw out
your paper plates
295
00:14:43,192 --> 00:14:45,190
instead of reusing them
till the food drops through.
296
00:14:45,258 --> 00:14:46,992
That's true. Everything
you said is true.
297
00:14:47,060 --> 00:14:48,126
But there's a cost.
298
00:14:48,194 --> 00:14:49,460
I'm lonely, Moe.
299
00:14:49,528 --> 00:14:51,195
No one dares to be my friend,
300
00:14:51,262 --> 00:14:52,762
for fear I'll say
something nasty.
301
00:14:52,830 --> 00:14:54,798
But what we do is just
kiddin' around, right?
302
00:14:54,865 --> 00:14:56,132
People know that.
303
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:57,734
Do they?
304
00:14:57,801 --> 00:14:59,168
They've been preparing
a bio of you,
305
00:14:59,236 --> 00:15:00,736
with interviews of
people you've judged.
306
00:15:00,804 --> 00:15:02,038
Let's have a look.
307
00:15:02,106 --> 00:15:03,906
He's the meanest
man in town.
308
00:15:03,974 --> 00:15:05,041
Nasty.
309
00:15:05,109 --> 00:15:06,575
Uncouth.
310
00:15:06,643 --> 00:15:08,077
We hate you.
311
00:15:08,144 --> 00:15:09,712
So does Stu.
312
00:15:09,780 --> 00:15:12,315
Edit that so it
rhymes with something.
313
00:15:12,382 --> 00:15:17,021
He's a...
314
00:15:17,088 --> 00:15:19,389
Wow, I can't believe
this, Simon.
315
00:15:19,457 --> 00:15:20,656
Simon?
316
00:15:20,724 --> 00:15:22,157
Huh.
317
00:15:22,225 --> 00:15:24,192
Was he really here, or was it
just my imagination?
318
00:15:24,260 --> 00:15:25,727
I'm here.
319
00:15:25,795 --> 00:15:27,862
My black tee shirt makes me
blend into the shadows.
320
00:15:27,930 --> 00:15:29,764
I'm here, I'm gone.
321
00:15:29,832 --> 00:15:32,867
I'm here, I'm gone.
I'm here, I'm gone.
322
00:15:32,935 --> 00:15:35,337
I'm here.
I get it. I get it.
That-That's your thing.
323
00:15:37,928 --> 00:15:44,333
♪ Happy birthday to... ♪
324
00:15:44,401 --> 00:15:46,401
♪ You! ♪
325
00:15:49,569 --> 00:15:51,169
This is it, Moe--
326
00:15:51,236 --> 00:15:54,671
America's going to learn
just what sort of man you are.
327
00:15:54,739 --> 00:15:57,506
Okay, Randy, what'd you
think of that performance?
328
00:15:57,574 --> 00:15:59,041
A'ight, a'ight, you know what?
329
00:15:59,108 --> 00:16:00,542
I was feelin' that, dawg.
330
00:16:00,609 --> 00:16:01,843
"Happy" was very cool, right?
331
00:16:01,910 --> 00:16:03,711
But "birth" was definitely
a little pitchy.
332
00:16:03,779 --> 00:16:06,552
But I gotta tell you something,
you worked it out on "day," man.
333
00:16:06,619 --> 00:16:09,756
And then when you hit that "to
you", dude, that was the bomb.
334
00:16:09,824 --> 00:16:11,725
You blew out
all the candles, baby.
335
00:16:11,792 --> 00:16:14,393
If you think that
answer was a yes,
336
00:16:14,461 --> 00:16:16,361
text the number at
the bottom of the screen
337
00:16:16,428 --> 00:16:18,561
Giant secret charges
may apply. Kara?
338
00:16:18,629 --> 00:16:20,962
I have to admit, I dn't think
you could comeack
339
00:16:21,030 --> 00:16:22,963
from last week, when your
version of "Brown Sugar"
340
00:16:23,031 --> 00:16:25,032
made Mick Jagger
retire from singing rever.
341
00:16:25,099 --> 00:16:26,500
But you rocked it.
342
00:16:26,567 --> 00:16:28,601
Ellen, what's your
"ramble" on this?
343
00:16:28,669 --> 00:16:30,670
Ryan, I don't ramble anymore.
344
00:16:30,738 --> 00:16:33,204
Although Ive that
song "Ramblin' Man" by
The Allman Brothers.
345
00:16:33,272 --> 00:16:35,540
I used to think that they were
"The Almond Brothe,"
346
00:16:35,607 --> 00:16:37,007
which was ol,
because I love nuts.
347
00:16:37,075 --> 00:16:38,775
Except for filberts,
which is weird
348
00:16:38,843 --> 00:16:40,209
because I love Dilbert--
349
00:16:40,277 --> 00:16:41,911
'cause when you're stuck
workinin a cubicle,
350
00:16:41,978 --> 00:16:44,247
sometimes you just gotta dance.
351
00:16:44,315 --> 00:16:47,116
♪
352
00:16:53,422 --> 00:16:56,689
Now let's hear from
the new guy, Moe Szyslak.
353
00:16:59,325 --> 00:17:01,325
Uh... Well, let's
see here, um..
354
00:17:03,995 --> 00:17:06,996
Don't become the mean judge.
355
00:17:07,064 --> 00:17:09,298
Mr. Cowellwould you
likee band candy?
356
00:17:09,366 --> 00:17:10,467
Security.
357
00:17:13,909 --> 00:17:15,509
Uh, I'm afraid
358
00:17:15,577 --> 00:17:17,643
you're wasting your
time on this stage.
359
00:17:20,613 --> 00:17:22,882
...because you should be
on Broadway
360
00:17:22,950 --> 00:17:24,784
chargin' a hundred
bucks a ticket.
361
00:17:24,852 --> 00:17:26,052
You're a natural talent.
362
00:17:27,521 --> 00:17:29,055
I'm gettin' a
little emotional here,
363
00:17:29,122 --> 00:17:31,723
because your voice, it opened
up a little part of me
364
00:17:31,791 --> 00:17:34,693
that I thought was closed
to truth and beauty forever.
365
00:17:34,761 --> 00:17:36,995
If there's a God,
I just hope that right now
366
00:17:37,063 --> 00:17:39,998
he's votin' your name
on that 8-8-8 line.
367
00:17:40,066 --> 00:17:41,566
It was, it was really beautiful.
368
00:17:41,634 --> 00:17:42,634
Really. Thank you.
369
00:17:43,836 --> 00:17:46,604
Okay, that's four thumbs up.
370
00:17:46,672 --> 00:17:49,107
And finally, because this
show now has more judges
371
00:17:49,175 --> 00:17:51,842
than the Supreme Court...
Simon, what do you say?
372
00:17:51,910 --> 00:17:54,411
Well, that was a truly a
remarkable version of
"Happy Birthday."
373
00:17:54,479 --> 00:17:55,813
Because when it was done,
374
00:17:55,881 --> 00:17:58,649
I actually felt like I had
lost a year of my life.
375
00:18:00,886 --> 00:18:04,956
But even more objectionable
were Moe's insipid comments,
376
00:18:05,024 --> 00:18:07,225
a desperate plea
for affection,
377
00:18:07,293 --> 00:18:10,095
which fell as flat as
the hair on my head.
378
00:18:13,966 --> 00:18:15,032
Why are you raggin' on me?
379
00:18:15,100 --> 00:18:16,966
I'm just doin'
what you said.
380
00:18:17,034 --> 00:18:18,499
Hmm. Let me think.
381
00:18:18,567 --> 00:18:20,930
Why would I try to
sabotage a new judge
382
00:18:20,998 --> 00:18:23,630
who just might do what I
do for $48 million less?
383
00:18:23,698 --> 00:18:24,763
Hey, hey, hey.
384
00:18:24,831 --> 00:18:26,363
I've been double-crossed here.
385
00:18:26,430 --> 00:18:28,062
You're pretty smart huh, Simon?
386
00:18:28,130 --> 00:18:31,062
Let's see how smart you are with
your voice box hangin' out.
387
00:18:32,198 --> 00:18:33,831
Label to camera.
Label to camera.
388
00:18:33,899 --> 00:18:35,867
What? Oh. Sorry. Sorry.
389
00:18:35,934 --> 00:18:37,835
Die, ya bastard.
390
00:18:39,471 --> 00:18:41,838
Tees, scorecard,
stubby little pencil.
391
00:18:41,906 --> 00:18:42,973
You're all set.
392
00:18:43,041 --> 00:18:44,807
Have fun, Homie.
393
00:18:44,873 --> 00:18:45,973
Looks like Jimmy's
394
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,108
starting him off
with a three iron.
395
00:18:48,175 --> 00:18:50,376
My first shot was
with a three iron.
396
00:18:50,444 --> 00:18:52,011
One shot, and I was
hooked for life.
397
00:18:52,079 --> 00:18:54,680
Barely saw my family again.
398
00:18:54,748 --> 00:18:57,581
Birthdays, anniversaries,
I missed 'em all.
399
00:19:00,084 --> 00:19:02,685
I'm missing my daughr's
wedding right now.
400
00:19:02,753 --> 00:19:05,121
Sweet guy, I'm told.
401
00:19:05,189 --> 00:19:06,656
One shot.
402
00:19:06,724 --> 00:19:08,592
Hooked for life.
403
00:19:12,531 --> 00:19:13,831
Huh?!
404
00:19:13,899 --> 00:19:16,402
Marge, you ruined my shot.
405
00:19:16,469 --> 00:19:19,570
You can take another,
in 40 years.
406
00:19:23,208 --> 00:19:25,007
That was awesome.
407
00:19:25,075 --> 00:19:27,877
I feel like the
Tiger Woods of sex.
408
00:19:27,944 --> 00:19:30,179
In the mood for
another round?
409
00:19:34,984 --> 00:19:36,451
I didn't rip out
his voice box,
410
00:19:36,518 --> 00:19:38,352
but I did stretch out
his tee shirt.
411
00:19:38,420 --> 00:19:41,288
Then they said I ain't allowed
back in California no more
412
00:19:41,356 --> 00:19:43,824
and I can no longer make
judgments about nothin'.
413
00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:46,994
Hey, Moe, am I
okay to drive?
414
00:19:47,062 --> 00:19:48,697
Legally, I can't say.
415
00:19:48,764 --> 00:19:50,933
To a drunk man,
that's a yes.
416
00:19:57,408 --> 00:19:58,675
Beep, beep.
417
00:19:58,743 --> 00:19:59,843
He seems fine.
418
00:19:59,910 --> 00:20:01,311
There is one bright side:
419
00:20:01,379 --> 00:20:03,780
I'm also forbidden
from ever watching Fox.
420
00:20:03,848 --> 00:20:05,915
You can't even show it
in the bar?
421
00:20:05,983 --> 00:20:08,751
That's right, and business
has never been better.
422
00:20:12,552 --> 00:20:15,922
Oh, hey, how's it
goin' there, Mr. Murdoch?
423
00:20:15,990 --> 00:20:18,959
Never mind me-- put on
The Jay Leno Show.
424
00:20:19,026 --> 00:20:20,694
Have you seen this?
425
00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:23,063
The president says
Iran has gotten ahold
426
00:20:23,130 --> 00:20:24,897
of the most dangerous weapon
known to man:
427
00:20:24,965 --> 00:20:26,499
The BP oil rig.
428
00:20:26,566 --> 00:20:27,733
That's right,
ladies and gentlemen.
429
00:20:27,801 --> 00:20:29,435
But I know how to make
that leak disappear:
430
00:20:29,502 --> 00:20:30,569
put it on NBC.
431
00:20:34,373 --> 00:20:38,476
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --