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("The Simpsons Theme"
plays briefly)
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(menu selection sound popping)
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-(indistinct chatter)
-This just in...
4
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Chief, I think
that madman who shot up
5
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the Lard Lad
knows where Homer is.
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Look, he dropped this
on his way out.
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Have you been crying?
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It's just so horrible.
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Mr. Burns? The Disco Guy?
10
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Fat Tony?
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Look what they did
to my beautiful goombah.
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(crying)
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I can't ever eat a donut again.
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Chief, pull yourself together.
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My husband is still missing.
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And I hate to say it,
but I think Ned Flanders
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has something to do with this.
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Open your eyes, Marge.
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If Homer's mixed up in this,
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he's probably a cruller by now.
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Satan himself has come
to this town,
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and I'm not man enough
to take him on.
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If you see Lou,
tell him Eddie's chief now.
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(gasps)
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The killer's driving
the Rich Texan's car.
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Hmm...
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(typing on keyboard)
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BROCKMAN (over TV):
Police describe
the mysterious assailant
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as a grim metaphor
for a universe without justice.
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That's the may-diddly-aniac
who's got Homer.
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How am I gonna come up
with that ransom?
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I can't do a GoFundMe
for a kidnapping.
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There's too many
of those already.
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Oh, Granddad, I donated
that money to the orphans
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in honor of your decency, but...
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now I need it back.
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How'd all that cash
get in that tree anyway?
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I want my haircut to look
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just as square
as yours, Paw Paw.
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(jangles)
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Careful there, barber.
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I wouldn't want you
to nick the neck
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of the town's favorite sheriff.
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(all laugh)
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The Szyslak brothers.
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Hey, hey, we don't want
no trouble, fellas.
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Someone call the zoo,
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the ape house is missing
its ugliest baboons.
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You got no call
pointing out our ugliness.
50
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That's why it's time
you got what's coming to you.
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00:02:33,379 --> 00:02:35,988
Cy, take the boy outside.
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(lock clicks)
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You got something for me?
Let me have it.
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Ah, my favorite time of day,
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bribe o'clock.
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Ooh, and thicker than usual.
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That's what I came to tell you.
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00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:04,908
We made a deal
with the Capital City Mob.
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00:03:05,001 --> 00:03:07,244
We're slinging amphetamines now.
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00:03:07,262 --> 00:03:09,596
That's right, "Brain fizz."
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"Trucker's milk."
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"Texas Teeth looseners."
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Long as I get my cut,
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I don't care if you sell rat
crap and call them Milk Duds.
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Now, Slocum, I've got
a sterling reputation to uphold.
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You mind if I punch
one of your brothers
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through this plate glass window?
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Nah, take your pick.
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(screams, grunts)
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Paw Paw, you're the finest man
I'll ever know.
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Yes, I am, Neddy.
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♪ They call me
Good Time Charlie ♪
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♪ Playboy with
a whole lot of soul ♪
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♪ I said, they call me
Good Time Charlie ♪
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♪ Playboy with
a whole lot of soul ♪
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♪ I'm the last
of the big-time spenders ♪
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♪ I keep a pocket full of gold ♪
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♪ Whoa! Put on your
red dress, baby. ♪
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Enough sucking
on that toad, Sheriff.
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-Hmm?
-Time to earn your keep.
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00:04:19,075 --> 00:04:23,178
Gentlemen, your primo crank
is selling like meth on speed.
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Just give it to our numbers guy.
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One hundred seventy-three
thousand, two hundred and...
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(sniffs)
...ninety-six dollars.
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00:04:38,186 --> 00:04:41,280
Yeah, that's even more money
back now in the early '70s.
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Which made me wonder,
why should we share?
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-(snaps fingers)
-(weapons click)
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Uh... uh...
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(snaps fingers)
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(weapons clicking)
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Oh, God, all right, fellas,
why don't we all relax
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and put down our crazy
assortment of weapons?
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I'm talking to you,
Mr. Dynamite Nunchucks.
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The tiniest little thing
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could turn this standoff
into a bloodbath.
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Oh, shoot.
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(gunfire)
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(explosion)
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(whimpering)
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Dear Lord, you know me,
I'm a good time Charlie,
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but if you see fit
to save my hide,
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I promise to become the kind of
man my grandson can be proud of.
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-(gunfire ceases)
-Hmm?
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(angelic music plays)
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My whole family, they're dead.
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I don't got to share this
with no one.
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-(gunshot)
-(body thuds)
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Sorry, God, but hey,
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you can only send me
to Hell once.
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-(sirens wailing)
-Hmm? Hmm.
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(grunting)
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Fellas, Sheriff Flanders here.
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(gasps)
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The money, where is it?
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Okay, hey, okay.
(laughs nervously)
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Easy, friend.
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It's all yours, I promise.
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Just don't-- (grunts)
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(stammering)
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(grunts) Ah...
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Oh, come on.
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So frustrating.
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Well, there goes my life.
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(sirens wailing)
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(tires screeching)
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Oh, Paw Paw,
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I've lived my whole life trying
to be as fine a man as you,
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but Homer Simpson's gonna die
unless I do the unthinkable:
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steal back the money
I gave to these orphans.
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-We love you, Mr. Flanders!
-(sighs)
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("Sabor A Mi"
by Los Panchos playing)
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Oh, Colette.
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There appears to be
a trail of rose petals
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leading to the master bath.
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I wonder who
could've left them there?
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(speaking French)
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Oh, come now.
You're still cross?
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For the last time,
we can't just turn down jobs
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because it's our anniversary.
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Wait, you international
psychos are married?
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That's none of your concern,
you shorn sheep.
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Huh?
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Tell him, how many year?
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How many year?
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Ten years of wedded bliss.
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Each year sweeter than the last.
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(speaking French)
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Not one vacation.
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00:08:05,393 --> 00:08:08,135
We don't get to take vacations
if we don't take jobs.
150
00:08:08,230 --> 00:08:10,063
It's called math, darling.
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00:08:11,216 --> 00:08:14,976
Hm, wow, if I said something
that sexist,
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my wife would be furious.
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00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:19,389
You see?
Even the dead man knows.
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Look, the best marriage advice
I ever got was,
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"If you're thinking it,
just say it."
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00:08:25,655 --> 00:08:28,489
Really? Then I should
tell her that every day
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she becomes more and more
like her mother. (grunts)
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My mother was twice the assassin
you will ever be.
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00:08:35,090 --> 00:08:39,518
What did Dr. Pam say
about acting on anger?
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00:08:42,764 --> 00:08:44,171
You tell her, Irish guy.
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00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:45,932
Go for the eyes, Frenchie.
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Whoever wins
was right all along.
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-(grunts)
-(glass shatters)
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-(grunts) Hey!
-(grunts) Oh!
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(whimpers)
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Uh, guys? There's a little fire
situation in the kitchen here.
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00:09:01,283 --> 00:09:04,951
Okay, you're communicating
honestly, which is great.
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00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,712
What say we focus on
achievable goals as a couple,
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like putting out this fire?
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Phew.
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00:09:11,793 --> 00:09:12,942
D'oh!
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00:09:12,961 --> 00:09:15,870
-Ah!
-Never go to bed angry?
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00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,389
Cuddling doesn't always
lead to sex?
174
00:09:17,540 --> 00:09:21,351
You're not just married killers,
you're homicidal best friends.
175
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Happy anniversary?
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00:09:27,383 --> 00:09:29,734
(sighs, speaks French)
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00:09:29,961 --> 00:09:33,738
Ah, you're a corker,
my violent femme.
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-(both moaning)
-♪ ♪
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Aw, I knew you crazy kids
could make it work.
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00:09:41,415 --> 00:09:43,957
Now, we should probably
get out of here before the--
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You guys okay?
182
00:09:51,833 --> 00:09:53,383
(grunts)
183
00:09:55,429 --> 00:09:59,556
(groans) The key to this safe
has to be here somewhere.
184
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:03,250
(gasps)
185
00:10:03,345 --> 00:10:06,271
What in the blue heck
are you doing here?
186
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Last I saw, you were judging
187
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my God-given right
to an open marriage.
188
00:10:11,519 --> 00:10:14,929
Uh, Barb, I'm in
serious trouble. (chuckles)
189
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,022
The thing is, uh...
190
00:10:16,174 --> 00:10:19,117
Fish or get off the hole,
Mr. Flanders.
191
00:10:23,515 --> 00:10:26,699
I haven't been able
to get that spiffy bod of yours
192
00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:30,111
out of my dang-diddly mind.
193
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:32,631
Jumpin' jiminy.
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00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:34,716
(both moaning)
195
00:10:38,213 --> 00:10:39,212
FLANDERS:
You can do this, Neddy.
196
00:10:39,364 --> 00:10:42,390
Just think about Homer Simpson.
197
00:10:50,542 --> 00:10:53,801
Oh, Homie.
I thought I'd lost you.
198
00:10:53,895 --> 00:10:55,879
(kisses)
199
00:10:55,897 --> 00:10:58,064
Oh, Marge, I'm so sorry.
200
00:10:58,216 --> 00:11:00,717
I'll never be selfish again.
201
00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:05,312
Whew! Wasn't that a brisk walk
around Lake How-do-ya-do?
202
00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:07,982
I'm gonna get a Faygo
from the mini fridge.
203
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,075
Do you want one?
204
00:11:09,227 --> 00:11:11,628
Uh, grape, if they have it.
205
00:11:19,421 --> 00:11:23,056
(gasps) That gosh darn thief.
206
00:11:24,910 --> 00:11:26,559
Uff-da!
207
00:11:27,503 --> 00:11:28,502
I got away with it.
208
00:11:28,596 --> 00:11:30,580
-I got away with...
-(glass shatters)
209
00:11:30,598 --> 00:11:31,581
(screams)
210
00:11:31,599 --> 00:11:32,932
(tires screeching)
211
00:11:33,084 --> 00:11:34,751
I'm sorry, God.
212
00:11:34,769 --> 00:11:38,113
I-I just want Homer Simpson
to be okay.
213
00:11:43,428 --> 00:11:45,495
-Oh, there he is.
-(cars crash)
214
00:11:49,434 --> 00:11:52,127
Ned. Buddy.
Let's get you out of there.
215
00:11:53,196 --> 00:11:56,131
(Fargo -style drums playing)
216
00:11:58,534 --> 00:12:01,428
Ow! (grunting)
217
00:12:05,708 --> 00:12:07,800
Oh, I saved you.
218
00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:10,453
You're finally mine.
219
00:12:10,546 --> 00:12:12,472
(kissing)
220
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:17,143
I'm married to the most
selfish man in the world.
221
00:12:17,295 --> 00:12:18,978
BARB:
Everybody, all around,
222
00:12:19,130 --> 00:12:22,315
-look at this man.
-(yelps)
223
00:12:22,467 --> 00:12:26,135
He saved the orphans' money
and the flag.
224
00:12:26,154 --> 00:12:28,413
Look at the burns
on his saintly arm.
225
00:12:28,564 --> 00:12:31,975
Oh, this husky gent
is an American hero.
226
00:12:31,993 --> 00:12:33,668
(crowd cheering)
227
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:38,423
Not like that snake,
Ned Flanders.
228
00:12:38,650 --> 00:12:42,168
Why, he stole this money
after trying to seduce me
229
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:45,838
out of my happily-closed
marriage to Sideshow Mel.
230
00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:47,673
-(crowd gasps)
-Oh, uh...
231
00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:49,083
That monster!
232
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:52,829
Where is he, so that
I might thrash him?
233
00:12:52,847 --> 00:12:55,348
He's right over... (gasps)
234
00:12:55,500 --> 00:12:57,609
(panting)
235
00:12:57,836 --> 00:12:59,527
(cell phone rings)
236
00:13:00,855 --> 00:13:03,006
COSTAS (over phone):
Hello, church chum.
237
00:13:03,024 --> 00:13:05,842
I, um...
I don't have your money.
238
00:13:05,935 --> 00:13:07,619
And I don't have your man.
239
00:13:07,770 --> 00:13:09,436
Funny how things work out.
240
00:13:09,531 --> 00:13:12,031
I committed every sin
in the book to get that money--
241
00:13:12,183 --> 00:13:14,942
except sloth, I guess--
and now it's gone.
242
00:13:15,036 --> 00:13:17,353
Money can be lost, Mr. Flanders,
243
00:13:17,372 --> 00:13:19,947
but a debt never goes away.
244
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:21,949
I am coming to collect.
245
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:25,194
When you least expect it,
expect it.
246
00:13:25,288 --> 00:13:27,547
-You mean now?
-No, not now.
247
00:13:27,699 --> 00:13:30,700
Well, you saying not now
makes me expect it more.
248
00:13:30,793 --> 00:13:33,553
Look, this is the one time
you shouldn't expect it,
249
00:13:33,705 --> 00:13:36,481
but every other time,
do expect it.
250
00:13:43,381 --> 00:13:45,715
NARRATOR:
Three years ago,
Homer Simpson risked his life
251
00:13:45,733 --> 00:13:46,974
to save an orphanage's future.
252
00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:49,661
And now, I'm here
to save your car's future.
253
00:13:49,888 --> 00:13:51,237
Oil changes, alignment,
254
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:53,814
and brake pads,
brake pads, brake pads.
255
00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:56,392
All at Heroic Lube and Tire.
256
00:13:56,452 --> 00:13:58,986
Where Route 4 meets
Disco Stu Memorial Drive.
257
00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:01,840
Just look for the inflatable me.
258
00:14:02,734 --> 00:14:04,734
Mr. Simpson, may I just say
259
00:14:04,827 --> 00:14:08,012
it is an honor to get
my washer fluid from you.
260
00:14:08,164 --> 00:14:11,432
Yo, can I get a selfie
with that gnarly arm?
261
00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:14,185
What's it like to be married
262
00:14:14,337 --> 00:14:16,579
to the most beloved man
in Springfield?
263
00:14:16,598 --> 00:14:19,248
Every day's
better than the last.
264
00:14:19,267 --> 00:14:20,507
Now come back soon
265
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:23,753
'cause you'll always get
a hero's welcome.
266
00:14:23,771 --> 00:14:25,012
(laughter)
267
00:14:25,106 --> 00:14:26,347
OTTO:
I get it.
268
00:14:26,366 --> 00:14:30,285
"Hero." The word makes me
sick to my stomach.
269
00:14:34,449 --> 00:14:36,857
I'll never forget
seeing you choose the money
270
00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:39,268
instead of saving Ned. Never.
271
00:14:39,362 --> 00:14:42,881
I wish I could explain,
but I can't.
272
00:14:43,032 --> 00:14:45,458
I would've left this
godforsaken marriage
273
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:47,868
years ago if it
wasn't for the kids--
274
00:14:47,962 --> 00:14:50,054
-My special little guy!
-There he is.
275
00:14:50,206 --> 00:14:51,114
Check it out.
276
00:14:51,132 --> 00:14:53,282
I got my
Online Citizenship badge
277
00:14:53,301 --> 00:14:55,542
for being so polite
on social media.
278
00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:58,730
You're going to be the youngest
Eagle Scout in town.
279
00:14:58,881 --> 00:15:00,398
Well, I am half hero.
280
00:15:01,976 --> 00:15:05,795
I got 100 RSVPs
to my birthday party.
281
00:15:05,888 --> 00:15:07,071
(laughs)
282
00:15:07,298 --> 00:15:10,408
They probably just want
to come to meet you.
283
00:15:11,302 --> 00:15:12,468
Got some mail, Dad.
284
00:15:12,561 --> 00:15:15,496
Why'd you get a blank postcard
from Wyoming?
285
00:15:16,808 --> 00:15:18,641
Hm, that's weird.
286
00:15:18,660 --> 00:15:20,543
Probably just junk.
287
00:15:22,163 --> 00:15:24,339
("Las Vegas Tango"
by Gary Burton playing)
288
00:15:45,428 --> 00:15:46,569
(groans)
289
00:16:11,879 --> 00:16:12,862
(gun cocks)
290
00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:14,788
Don't shoot, you little weirdos.
291
00:16:14,808 --> 00:16:17,033
Daddy, it's Mr. Simpson.
292
00:16:17,126 --> 00:16:20,019
Hiddly-ho, neighborino.
293
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:24,390
So, how are things
in good old Springfield?
294
00:16:24,542 --> 00:16:26,317
Uh... it's okay.
295
00:16:26,469 --> 00:16:28,544
Jailbird got super religious.
296
00:16:28,563 --> 00:16:31,547
(crying):
And Marge hates me.
297
00:16:31,566 --> 00:16:35,142
Our marriage is deader
than Disco Stu.
298
00:16:35,236 --> 00:16:38,145
All because I tried
to save that money's life
299
00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:39,813
and not yours.
300
00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:42,333
That money made sinners
of us all.
301
00:16:42,485 --> 00:16:44,168
Can I tell you something, Homer?
302
00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:46,671
I wanted people
to know I donated it.
303
00:16:46,898 --> 00:16:49,156
I wanted the attention.
304
00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:51,009
I brought all of this upon us.
305
00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:52,902
We both suck.
306
00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:54,846
(crying)
307
00:16:54,997 --> 00:16:57,598
Equally.
308
00:16:58,910 --> 00:17:00,243
(glass shatters)
309
00:17:00,261 --> 00:17:02,836
Oh, no. He's tracked you here.
310
00:17:02,930 --> 00:17:05,005
No way. I took
all the precautions,
311
00:17:05,099 --> 00:17:06,840
even the mariachi Ferris wheel.
312
00:17:06,934 --> 00:17:09,176
(banging on door)
313
00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:11,345
-(screams)
-What is it, Homer?
314
00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:13,514
A mistress?
A secret family?
315
00:17:13,608 --> 00:17:16,275
You'd better not be
a sports podcaster.
316
00:17:16,427 --> 00:17:18,519
(gasps) Ned?
317
00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,854
Don't be too sore
at this fella, Marge.
318
00:17:20,948 --> 00:17:22,448
Homer's been
our lifeline up here:
319
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:25,376
food, shelter,
books he thinks I'd like.
320
00:17:25,603 --> 00:17:27,528
They certainly were
a motley crew.
321
00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:31,290
This is the most selfless thing
you've ever done,
322
00:17:31,442 --> 00:17:33,125
and you didn't even tell anyone.
323
00:17:33,219 --> 00:17:35,720
I couldn't say anything,
or Ned would be in danger.
324
00:17:35,947 --> 00:17:38,798
There's this crazy psycho
who wants to kill him, and--
325
00:17:38,950 --> 00:17:40,299
Hey, you weren't
followed here, were you?
326
00:17:40,451 --> 00:17:41,300
(gunshots)
327
00:17:41,452 --> 00:17:43,061
(all scream)
328
00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:57,633
Great, more walking.
329
00:17:57,652 --> 00:18:00,152
Homie, if we don't make it,
330
00:18:00,305 --> 00:18:03,730
I need you to know
that you are a decent man,
331
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:05,975
and I love you.
332
00:18:05,993 --> 00:18:08,735
No. I won't put you two
in any more danger.
333
00:18:08,830 --> 00:18:10,546
I'm the one he wants.
334
00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:14,241
-Okay. Bye.
-Phew. Good luck.
335
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:16,094
(dramatic music playing)
336
00:18:36,507 --> 00:18:39,008
It's been a long time,
Mr. Flanders.
337
00:18:39,068 --> 00:18:41,101
Now, will you
be paying your debt
338
00:18:41,195 --> 00:18:43,696
in money or blood?
339
00:18:43,848 --> 00:18:45,030
(panting)
340
00:18:45,183 --> 00:18:47,250
Blood it is.
341
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:51,612
Ah, balance.
342
00:18:52,540 --> 00:18:55,115
Balance? Is that what
this blood-soaked rigmarole
343
00:18:55,209 --> 00:18:57,468
has been all about? Why?
344
00:18:57,620 --> 00:19:01,622
You ever hear the parable
of Lucifer and the millipede?
345
00:19:01,716 --> 00:19:03,516
One day, a tiny...
346
00:19:06,295 --> 00:19:07,478
The end.
347
00:19:07,630 --> 00:19:08,871
Oh, just kill me already.
348
00:19:08,964 --> 00:19:10,815
I deserve it for stealing,
349
00:19:10,966 --> 00:19:13,209
seducing, fibbing.
350
00:19:13,227 --> 00:19:15,987
I tarnished the good name
of my Paw Paw,
351
00:19:16,214 --> 00:19:18,322
Sherriff Ned Flanders.
352
00:19:18,474 --> 00:19:20,307
(laughs)
353
00:19:20,401 --> 00:19:23,494
Your grandfather was dirtier
than a hobo's handkerchief.
354
00:19:23,721 --> 00:19:27,890
Why, he even killed a man
in cold blood for that money.
355
00:19:27,909 --> 00:19:29,149
No!
356
00:19:29,169 --> 00:19:31,727
He was nothing
but a good time Charlie.
357
00:19:31,746 --> 00:19:33,713
I'll kill you!
358
00:19:41,330 --> 00:19:42,513
(gasps)
359
00:19:45,259 --> 00:19:47,743
(groans)
360
00:19:47,836 --> 00:19:49,520
(ice cracking)
361
00:20:09,209 --> 00:20:11,959
(water continues splashing)
362
00:20:19,277 --> 00:20:21,427
(dramatic music playing)
363
00:20:41,466 --> 00:20:43,482
♪ ♪
364
00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:46,727
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
365
00:20:46,821 --> 00:20:49,488
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
366
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:52,491
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
367
00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:55,962
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
368
00:21:39,281 --> 00:21:41,090
Shh!