1 00:00:01,060 --> 00:00:05,395 ("The Simpsons Theme" plays briefly) 2 00:00:05,489 --> 00:00:14,346 (menu selection sound popping) 3 00:00:14,998 --> 00:00:18,684 (dramatic music playing) 4 00:00:18,911 --> 00:00:22,095 GRUFF-VOICED MAN: A greedy man once yearned for more, 5 00:00:22,248 --> 00:00:24,839 so the fool began to borrow. 6 00:00:24,933 --> 00:00:27,342 He ate and drank and told the bank, 7 00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:29,844 "I'll pay the debt tomorrow." 8 00:00:29,864 --> 00:00:33,090 But as both dolt and purse grew fat, 9 00:00:33,183 --> 00:00:35,350 the calendar grew thinner. 10 00:00:35,444 --> 00:00:36,610 (glass shatters) 11 00:00:36,704 --> 00:00:38,945 The debt collector had enough 12 00:00:39,098 --> 00:00:41,932 and hungered for his dinner. 13 00:00:42,025 --> 00:00:43,767 -(grunts) -(gunshots) 14 00:00:43,860 --> 00:00:45,169 -(guns click empty) -(gasps) 15 00:00:48,365 --> 00:00:50,883 The coward ran, with coin in hand, 16 00:00:51,110 --> 00:00:54,344 but come dawn, lost his breath. 17 00:00:55,798 --> 00:00:57,614 The fool was caught, 18 00:00:57,633 --> 00:00:59,116 'twas all for naught, 19 00:00:59,134 --> 00:01:02,969 for the collector's name was Death. 20 00:01:03,122 --> 00:01:06,231 (chuckles) Heck of a poem there, fella. 21 00:01:06,383 --> 00:01:08,125 I just caught the tail end. 22 00:01:08,127 --> 00:01:11,144 You got any more chilling verses in that book of yours? 23 00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:14,147 Oh, this isn't a poetry book, cowboy-man. 24 00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:16,057 This is a ledger of debts. 25 00:01:16,151 --> 00:01:19,970 Debts to be paid in money or blood, 26 00:01:20,063 --> 00:01:21,747 and lately, Venmo. 27 00:01:21,824 --> 00:01:24,899 I've been sent to collect in blood. 28 00:01:24,993 --> 00:01:25,900 (guns cock) 29 00:01:25,994 --> 00:01:26,993 Don't do this! 30 00:01:27,162 --> 00:01:29,904 I have a wife and two young mistresses, 31 00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:31,739 also a secret other wife. 32 00:01:31,834 --> 00:01:34,318 Please, I'm a good man. 33 00:01:34,411 --> 00:01:35,652 A good man! 34 00:01:35,671 --> 00:01:37,137 (pen clicks) 35 00:01:39,491 --> 00:01:42,309 In my experience, Mr. Texan... 36 00:01:44,105 --> 00:01:46,663 ...there's no such thing as a good man. 37 00:01:46,756 --> 00:01:49,191 ("The Ninety and Nine" by Burl Ives playing) 38 00:01:50,853 --> 00:01:55,672 ♪ There were ninety and nine that safely lay ♪ 39 00:01:55,765 --> 00:01:58,508 ♪ In the shelter of the fold ♪ 40 00:01:58,527 --> 00:01:59,767 ♪ Of the fold ♪ 41 00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:04,014 ♪ But one was out on the hills away ♪ 42 00:02:04,032 --> 00:02:06,683 ♪ Far off from the gates of gold ♪ 43 00:02:06,685 --> 00:02:08,109 ♪ Gates of gold ♪ 44 00:02:08,203 --> 00:02:12,205 ♪ Away on the mountain wild and bare ♪ 45 00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:15,876 ♪ Away from the tender shepherd's care. ♪ 46 00:02:15,970 --> 00:02:17,970 Mm, as pristine as the Garden of Eden 47 00:02:18,121 --> 00:02:19,696 before Eve came along. 48 00:02:19,789 --> 00:02:21,047 Homer Simpson? 49 00:02:21,291 --> 00:02:23,458 I didn't know you were a fellow volunteer Litter Gitter? 50 00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:25,035 No, I'm doing community service 51 00:02:25,053 --> 00:02:28,372 'cause of where I told the judge to shove some parking tickets. 52 00:02:28,390 --> 00:02:29,982 Well, sir, I guess your punishment 53 00:02:30,209 --> 00:02:32,634 is my predilection to do good. 54 00:02:32,728 --> 00:02:35,912 Oh, Flanders, you do so much for the town, 55 00:02:35,972 --> 00:02:38,215 yet no one ever appreciates you for it. 56 00:02:38,233 --> 00:02:39,307 Why, thank you, Homer. 57 00:02:39,326 --> 00:02:42,244 Not a compliment. Saying you're dumb. 58 00:02:45,724 --> 00:02:47,499 (shouts) 59 00:02:47,726 --> 00:02:48,725 Shucks! (grunting) 60 00:02:48,744 --> 00:02:50,485 Gosh! Ah! 61 00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:52,212 Honey, ooh, mustard! 62 00:02:54,066 --> 00:02:55,465 (groaning) 63 00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:02,723 Hey, that's a strange place to check your bag-a-rino. 64 00:03:05,761 --> 00:03:07,260 Dear Lord. 65 00:03:07,413 --> 00:03:09,003 HOMER: Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, 66 00:03:09,023 --> 00:03:10,856 crap! Oof! 67 00:03:11,083 --> 00:03:13,192 (groans) I saw you fell, 68 00:03:13,343 --> 00:03:15,861 so I rushed over to laugh at you, then... 69 00:03:16,012 --> 00:03:17,696 ♪ ♪ 70 00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:25,019 Aw, it's always been my dream to find a bag of money. 71 00:03:25,039 --> 00:03:26,279 You stole my dream. 72 00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:28,540 You know, I'd say it's all a part of God's plan, 73 00:03:28,767 --> 00:03:31,435 but usually that only applies to horrible tragedies. 74 00:03:31,437 --> 00:03:34,362 Aw, a do-gooder like you finding this money 75 00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:37,382 is proof that karma is real, which sucks 76 00:03:37,534 --> 00:03:39,867 'cause now I can't club you over the head and take it. 77 00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:42,054 Aw, thanks, neighbor. 78 00:03:43,373 --> 00:03:47,617 $173,296. 79 00:03:47,711 --> 00:03:52,122 We should get a huge terrarium with like a million turtles. 80 00:03:52,140 --> 00:03:55,642 No, we should get a speedboat with bunk beds on it. 81 00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:56,902 -Turtles. -Bunk-boat. 82 00:03:57,053 --> 00:03:58,737 -Turtles! -Bunk-boat! 83 00:03:58,888 --> 00:04:00,405 (sighs) I wish your great-grandfather, 84 00:04:00,632 --> 00:04:02,816 Paw Paw Flanders, was still here to guide us. 85 00:04:02,968 --> 00:04:05,410 He was the finest man I ever knew. 86 00:04:08,064 --> 00:04:10,307 Pouch of chewing tobacco for myself 87 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:12,751 and a pouch of candy tobacco for my grandson. 88 00:04:12,902 --> 00:04:14,461 ♪ ♪ 89 00:04:16,164 --> 00:04:18,482 Paw Paw, that man stole a loaf of bread. 90 00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:20,817 It's under his T-shirt that says... (shivers) 91 00:04:20,986 --> 00:04:22,986 Linda Ronstadt. 92 00:04:23,079 --> 00:04:24,596 Stay here, Neddy. 93 00:04:27,826 --> 00:04:29,417 Afternoon, mop top. 94 00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:30,918 Yeah? 95 00:04:31,013 --> 00:04:32,604 ♪ ♪ 96 00:04:34,924 --> 00:04:37,000 Here's some "bread" for your bread, 97 00:04:37,019 --> 00:04:39,019 my countercultural friend. 98 00:04:40,022 --> 00:04:43,615 -Have a good one. -Death to pigs, except you, man. 99 00:04:43,842 --> 00:04:46,343 Gee, Paw Paw, why didn't you arrest him? 100 00:04:46,361 --> 00:04:49,012 Neddy, when I was growing up at the orphanage, 101 00:04:49,105 --> 00:04:51,123 the nuns taught us one thing: 102 00:04:51,274 --> 00:04:53,709 the harder the good, the better the man. 103 00:04:55,704 --> 00:04:58,297 Boys, I know just what to do. 104 00:04:59,875 --> 00:05:00,999 (overlapping excited chatter) 105 00:05:01,226 --> 00:05:03,117 BARB: Oh, my gosh. 106 00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:05,804 In all my years of orphanagereal management, 107 00:05:05,955 --> 00:05:09,141 I've never seen a donation this generous. 108 00:05:09,292 --> 00:05:11,493 The town's gonna go ape over bananas 109 00:05:11,553 --> 00:05:14,128 when it hears all about your generosity. 110 00:05:14,148 --> 00:05:15,814 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 111 00:05:16,041 --> 00:05:17,816 I always donate anonymously. 112 00:05:17,967 --> 00:05:20,468 "When thou doest thine alms..." 113 00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:23,730 "Do not sound a trumpet before thee." 114 00:05:23,807 --> 00:05:25,382 BOTH: Matthew 6:2. 115 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:27,217 (both laugh) 116 00:05:27,310 --> 00:05:29,402 Aw, but wouldn't you like some accolades 117 00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:32,556 and attaboys for being such an upstanding fella? 118 00:05:32,574 --> 00:05:34,482 Oh, I don't do good deeds for recognition. 119 00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:36,317 That's why no one ever gives it to me. 120 00:05:36,411 --> 00:05:37,911 (gasps) Hold on. 121 00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:42,341 What if you donated that money in the name of someone special? 122 00:05:42,568 --> 00:05:46,069 (gasps) I could honor my Paw Paw. 123 00:05:46,088 --> 00:05:49,239 Oh, see? Nothing prideful about that. 124 00:05:49,332 --> 00:05:51,575 Now, what's the name of the saintly fella 125 00:05:51,593 --> 00:05:53,852 you'd like to give all the credit to? 126 00:05:54,003 --> 00:05:55,520 Ned Flanders. 127 00:05:55,672 --> 00:05:57,004 Uh, the First. 128 00:05:57,099 --> 00:05:58,840 ORPHANS (chanting): Ned's number one! 129 00:05:58,917 --> 00:06:00,525 Ned's number one! 130 00:06:00,677 --> 00:06:02,844 Paw Paw was technically Ned number one, 131 00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:04,512 so that chant's okay with me. 132 00:06:04,590 --> 00:06:08,592 So, how does it feel to be the most beloved man in Springfield? 133 00:06:08,610 --> 00:06:10,535 You mean, the grandson of? 134 00:06:11,763 --> 00:06:14,447 It feels darn-diddly good. 135 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:16,541 ♪ ♪ 136 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,053 (sighs) 137 00:06:28,204 --> 00:06:29,871 I love a pomegranate. 138 00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:33,892 Its juices remind me of the bloody profession I've chosen. 139 00:06:34,043 --> 00:06:36,469 No, I agree, it's not subtle. 140 00:06:36,622 --> 00:06:39,731 Anyhoo, the Rich Texan account has been balanced, 141 00:06:39,883 --> 00:06:41,975 and I'll be bringing you the proof. 142 00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:44,403 No, not the whole head. 143 00:06:44,554 --> 00:06:47,464 They only let you have one bag on United. 144 00:06:47,466 --> 00:06:50,817 An anonymous do-gooder donated a fortune to a local orphanage, 145 00:06:50,969 --> 00:06:53,561 money found in an old Pan Am bag. 146 00:06:53,655 --> 00:06:58,232 A grand total of $173,296. 147 00:06:58,252 --> 00:07:00,735 I'm staying in Springfield. 148 00:07:00,829 --> 00:07:05,406 I have a very old, very personal debt to collect. 149 00:07:05,426 --> 00:07:08,760 I spoke to the generous donor, who insisted on anonymity. 150 00:07:08,837 --> 00:07:11,430 (deep, distorted voice): It feels darn-diddly good. 151 00:07:19,347 --> 00:07:21,440 (Irish accent): Good day to you, shopkeep. 152 00:07:21,667 --> 00:07:23,683 Quite the collection of funny books you have here. 153 00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:25,018 Wonder if you could help us. 154 00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:28,429 Looking for a local fella, name of Flanders. 155 00:07:28,449 --> 00:07:31,783 Do I look like the town's information kiosk to you? 156 00:07:31,893 --> 00:07:33,285 It is much smaller than I. 157 00:07:33,361 --> 00:07:35,269 Hit the bricks, Lucky Charms. 158 00:07:35,347 --> 00:07:38,014 (laughs) I like a good joke. 159 00:07:38,033 --> 00:07:38,957 But my partner? 160 00:07:39,184 --> 00:07:41,184 She's not quite as jovial. 161 00:07:41,203 --> 00:07:44,111 -Now, where's this Flanders chap? -(lock clicks) 162 00:07:44,206 --> 00:07:47,615 Ooh, locking the door as a means of intimidation. 163 00:07:47,709 --> 00:07:49,134 How original. 164 00:07:49,361 --> 00:07:52,212 (groans) The silent but violent accomplice, 165 00:07:52,380 --> 00:07:54,547 another overworked cliché. 166 00:07:54,700 --> 00:07:55,548 (grunts) 167 00:07:55,701 --> 00:07:58,125 (speaking French) 168 00:07:58,294 --> 00:07:59,978 Correction, French accomplice. 169 00:08:00,129 --> 00:08:02,797 An unexpected yet still underwhelming twist. 170 00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:04,040 Two stars. 171 00:08:04,133 --> 00:08:06,209 Just point us towards Ned Flanders, 172 00:08:06,228 --> 00:08:07,877 and Colette won't have to spoil 173 00:08:07,896 --> 00:08:10,638 this lovely morning we're having. 174 00:08:10,716 --> 00:08:12,473 (screams) 175 00:08:12,493 --> 00:08:13,575 (pained groan) 176 00:08:14,903 --> 00:08:16,069 Mando! (gasps) 177 00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:18,330 Stop, stop! I don't know where Flanders lives, 178 00:08:18,557 --> 00:08:21,908 but you can always find him at the First Church of Springfield. 179 00:08:22,060 --> 00:08:24,744 Now, that wasn't so hard, was it? 180 00:08:24,896 --> 00:08:27,731 I'll let you get back to your Heathcliffs and your Garfields. 181 00:08:27,749 --> 00:08:29,566 I only like the cat ones. 182 00:08:29,584 --> 00:08:31,843 -(shoes squeaking) -(door opens, closes) 183 00:08:31,995 --> 00:08:35,997 Um, two thugs just manhandled me in the collectibles. 184 00:08:36,091 --> 00:08:39,500 (over phone): Why the hell am I paying you for protection? 185 00:08:39,594 --> 00:08:42,187 If another outfit is moving in on my town, 186 00:08:42,338 --> 00:08:45,982 then appropriate violence will be taken. 187 00:08:47,510 --> 00:08:49,361 (bell tolling) 188 00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:52,255 Bye, now. 189 00:08:52,274 --> 00:08:54,199 Mr. Flanders, it's an honor 190 00:08:54,350 --> 00:08:57,035 to live next door to such a generous man. 191 00:08:57,186 --> 00:08:58,261 Baller move, Ned. 192 00:08:58,354 --> 00:09:00,205 You splashed the cash on some no-dads, 193 00:09:00,356 --> 00:09:03,099 and now you're the top God-wad. Respect. 194 00:09:03,118 --> 00:09:05,359 Well, I can't accept your praise, 195 00:09:05,528 --> 00:09:07,212 as that donation wasn't in my name. 196 00:09:07,363 --> 00:09:10,698 Oh, you heard him, kids. Take back your praise. 197 00:09:10,717 --> 00:09:12,442 Anonymous Boy Scout Superman 198 00:09:12,535 --> 00:09:14,702 doesn't want any hugs or handshakes 199 00:09:14,796 --> 00:09:16,871 or little pats on the head. 200 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:19,558 (chuckles) Well, I wasn't trying to-- 201 00:09:19,785 --> 00:09:20,725 Um, oops. 202 00:09:20,877 --> 00:09:23,544 I forgot my Bible inside. Bye. 203 00:09:23,564 --> 00:09:25,063 ♪ ♪ 204 00:09:25,882 --> 00:09:27,214 Uh, pardon me, sir. 205 00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:29,642 I believe that's my good book you're giving a look. 206 00:09:29,795 --> 00:09:31,311 "Ned Flanders." 207 00:09:31,387 --> 00:09:32,979 Used to be a man had to die 208 00:09:33,148 --> 00:09:35,315 to get his name printed in his Bible. 209 00:09:35,467 --> 00:09:37,483 Eh, guess I saved someone the trouble. 210 00:09:37,636 --> 00:09:39,560 Hey, haven't seen you in our church before. 211 00:09:39,580 --> 00:09:41,062 Are you new to the pew? 212 00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:42,747 I am a debt collector by trade, 213 00:09:42,899 --> 00:09:45,992 and this ledger is my "good book." 214 00:09:46,144 --> 00:09:49,329 I only have one unbalanced debt, my very first. 215 00:09:49,481 --> 00:09:52,165 It's like having a tickle in my nose for 50 years 216 00:09:52,317 --> 00:09:55,552 but never getting to sneeze. 217 00:09:57,489 --> 00:09:59,598 That's the same amount I-- (gasps) 218 00:09:59,749 --> 00:10:02,601 This is now your debt to me. 219 00:10:02,752 --> 00:10:03,676 (whimpers) 220 00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:05,995 ORPHANS: Uncle Neddy! 221 00:10:06,164 --> 00:10:08,348 Barb, am I glad to see you. 222 00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:10,016 You know, I was just talking to... 223 00:10:10,168 --> 00:10:11,759 He's gone. 224 00:10:11,853 --> 00:10:13,302 No, I'm not. 225 00:10:13,304 --> 00:10:16,522 I started to hide, but I couldn't find any good places. 226 00:10:16,675 --> 00:10:19,951 I'll see you later. 227 00:10:20,178 --> 00:10:23,196 That was the most terrifying man I ever met. 228 00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:24,956 Yup, he's an odd duck, all right. 229 00:10:25,108 --> 00:10:26,850 Say, I'm glad I found you. 230 00:10:26,868 --> 00:10:29,735 The Springfield Winter Markets are opening tonight, 231 00:10:29,888 --> 00:10:33,447 and I was pondering if you wanted to come with. (chuckles) 232 00:10:33,616 --> 00:10:34,782 To chaperone the kids? 233 00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:36,860 To chaperone me. 234 00:10:36,862 --> 00:10:38,544 Like a date. 235 00:10:38,697 --> 00:10:41,181 ORPHANS: Ooh! 236 00:10:47,964 --> 00:10:51,224 Get out of town. You? A javelin thrower? 237 00:10:51,376 --> 00:10:53,226 Oh, yeah. I would've qualified 238 00:10:53,378 --> 00:10:55,153 for the Pine City Junior Throwlympics, but, 239 00:10:55,380 --> 00:10:56,637 you know, that was the year the good Lord 240 00:10:56,731 --> 00:10:59,399 thought to bless me with my top shelf here. 241 00:10:59,551 --> 00:11:01,551 I hated to hang up my javelin clogs, 242 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:04,496 but luckily I discovered my true passion: 243 00:11:04,647 --> 00:11:06,072 parentless children. 244 00:11:06,224 --> 00:11:09,058 Barb Belfry, at the risk of sounding crass, 245 00:11:09,077 --> 00:11:11,077 I... I think you're swell. 246 00:11:11,229 --> 00:11:12,987 Cute couple alert. 247 00:11:13,064 --> 00:11:15,322 (imitating a siren): So cute, so cute! 248 00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:17,917 Some arm candy for Flandy. 249 00:11:18,069 --> 00:11:19,511 Whoop-de-do. 250 00:11:19,738 --> 00:11:20,920 (blows raspberry) 251 00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,682 Uh, you've had a little too much eggnog. 252 00:11:23,833 --> 00:11:26,259 Nog just gives voice to truth. 253 00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:29,412 That's right, neighborino. 254 00:11:29,431 --> 00:11:30,504 I'm onto you. 255 00:11:30,598 --> 00:11:33,024 When you bought all the orphans in town, 256 00:11:33,176 --> 00:11:35,193 I thought you were a fool, 257 00:11:35,270 --> 00:11:38,271 but now I see what you really did with that money: 258 00:11:38,423 --> 00:11:42,516 buy the love and admiration of all these suckers. 259 00:11:42,536 --> 00:11:43,851 CROWD: Boo! 260 00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:46,946 All right, noggy, into the drunk rink with you. 261 00:11:47,098 --> 00:11:48,022 (Homer groans) 262 00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:49,690 Go slip it off. 263 00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:51,167 (grunting) 264 00:11:53,271 --> 00:11:55,046 (Barney groaning) 265 00:11:55,273 --> 00:11:58,699 I've never been so humiliated at a seasonal market. 266 00:11:58,719 --> 00:12:02,612 How can someone else's generosity make you angry? 267 00:12:02,630 --> 00:12:05,281 Mm, because that money should've been mine! 268 00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:07,450 I fall down inclines all the time, 269 00:12:07,452 --> 00:12:11,879 and all I ever get is concussionezzezzezzezzes... 270 00:12:11,973 --> 00:12:12,972 zzezzes. 271 00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:15,141 Wow. I can't believe I'm married 272 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,885 to the most selfish man in the world. 273 00:12:17,979 --> 00:12:21,388 ("No More Hot Dogs" by Hasil Adkins playing) 274 00:12:21,483 --> 00:12:23,742 -(tires squealing) -(man laughing rhythmically) 275 00:12:28,990 --> 00:12:30,974 (groans) How come every song you play 276 00:12:30,992 --> 00:12:33,476 has to be so kooky and obscure? 277 00:12:33,645 --> 00:12:35,754 Just for once, I wouldn't mind a little Taylor Swift 278 00:12:35,905 --> 00:12:37,404 before we commit an atrocity. 279 00:12:37,499 --> 00:12:39,332 -(music stops) -(speaks French) 280 00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:40,833 It's right here. 281 00:12:40,986 --> 00:12:42,218 -(wind whistling) -(gasps) 282 00:12:43,079 --> 00:12:44,912 Relax. I remember it. 283 00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:46,506 Evergreen Terrace. 284 00:12:46,658 --> 00:12:48,508 740... something. 285 00:12:48,660 --> 00:12:50,685 ♪ ♪ 286 00:12:55,500 --> 00:12:57,400 (snoring) 287 00:12:58,261 --> 00:13:00,779 -(growling) -Hmm? 288 00:13:00,930 --> 00:13:02,530 -(barking) -(whimpers) 289 00:13:04,100 --> 00:13:05,041 (whimpers) 290 00:13:05,043 --> 00:13:07,434 (barking) 291 00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,028 (chewing) 292 00:13:09,180 --> 00:13:10,437 What do you got there, boy? 293 00:13:10,532 --> 00:13:12,439 Drop it, boy. Drop it. 294 00:13:12,608 --> 00:13:13,850 (gasps) 295 00:13:13,943 --> 00:13:17,003 (distorted screaming) 296 00:13:18,373 --> 00:13:20,614 -Doggy man face. -(growling) 297 00:13:20,634 --> 00:13:22,175 (Homer mumbling groggily) 298 00:13:23,786 --> 00:13:25,545 (distorted screaming) 299 00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:27,263 Nighty night, Mr. Flanders. 300 00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:36,481 Well, as the picture frame said to the level, 301 00:13:36,708 --> 00:13:38,966 that was quite an even-ing. 302 00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:42,061 (laughs) 303 00:13:42,213 --> 00:13:44,489 Oh, this was the best night I've had 304 00:13:44,716 --> 00:13:46,232 in a month of Sundays. 305 00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,051 Barb, if I were to kiss you right now, 306 00:13:48,053 --> 00:13:50,069 would, uh, would that be all right? 307 00:13:50,221 --> 00:13:51,812 Golly, it sure would. 308 00:13:51,832 --> 00:13:53,981 Hot dog! 309 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,482 Well, bye. 310 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:59,579 Ned, would you like to come in and see my javelin medals? 311 00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:02,732 -Oh, yeah. Oh, you betcha. -(moaning) Diddly. 312 00:14:02,750 --> 00:14:04,250 -That's the business. -Doodly. 313 00:14:04,402 --> 00:14:06,660 -Oh, good golly, Miss Molly. -Great golly. 314 00:14:06,754 --> 00:14:09,764 -Right in the kisser. Oh, yeah. -(moans) 315 00:14:11,092 --> 00:14:13,834 Is that... is that Sideshow Mel? (chuckles) 316 00:14:13,928 --> 00:14:15,336 You must be a real fan. 317 00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:17,689 Well, I used to be. (chuckles) 318 00:14:23,938 --> 00:14:25,438 (gasps) He's your husband? 319 00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:28,274 Well, technically, but don't you worry, hon. 320 00:14:28,426 --> 00:14:30,593 We got an arrangement, me and Mel. 321 00:14:30,762 --> 00:14:31,761 What?! 322 00:14:31,854 --> 00:14:34,113 I get to have my extracurriculars 323 00:14:34,265 --> 00:14:35,615 and, uh, so does he. 324 00:14:35,767 --> 00:14:38,267 Well, he tries, anyway. Aw, bless his heart. 325 00:14:38,361 --> 00:14:40,953 Oh, Lordy, I'm an adulterer. 326 00:14:41,106 --> 00:14:44,607 Don't mind me. Just rebooting the Wi-Fi. 327 00:14:44,700 --> 00:14:46,050 Gah, the cuckold! 328 00:14:46,277 --> 00:14:49,112 Oh, come on, Mel. You knew I had the living room tonight. 329 00:14:49,130 --> 00:14:50,722 Check the darn schedule. 330 00:14:50,949 --> 00:14:52,115 Don't worry about him. 331 00:14:52,133 --> 00:14:53,966 He can turn his video game up real loud. 332 00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:56,377 Barb Belfry, this diddly-daliance 333 00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,545 is doodily-done. 334 00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:00,547 -(door slams) -(Sideshow Mel laughs) 335 00:15:00,642 --> 00:15:03,126 Another Craigslist winner? 336 00:15:03,144 --> 00:15:04,810 Oh, shut up, Mel. 337 00:15:04,905 --> 00:15:07,797 ♪ ♪ 338 00:15:07,815 --> 00:15:09,632 Your prized piggy, 339 00:15:09,725 --> 00:15:11,984 Mr. Ned Flanders. 340 00:15:12,137 --> 00:15:14,228 (groaning groggily) 341 00:15:14,397 --> 00:15:17,064 This is not Ned Flanders. 342 00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:18,750 W-Well, sure it is. 343 00:15:18,977 --> 00:15:20,567 Why, look at his credit cards, 344 00:15:20,662 --> 00:15:22,161 his medic alert bracelet, 345 00:15:22,313 --> 00:15:24,814 the tag on his suspiciously tight undershirt. 346 00:15:24,832 --> 00:15:27,166 (chuckling): They-they all say Ned Flanders. 347 00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:30,428 Stupid Flanders, getting me kidnapped. 348 00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:36,434 You've brought me the wrong man! 349 00:15:36,585 --> 00:15:39,228 Okay, okay, I'll just get rid of him. 350 00:15:40,589 --> 00:15:42,256 Don't kill him. 351 00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:43,166 Yet. 352 00:15:43,184 --> 00:15:44,684 It's your lucky day, big boy. 353 00:15:44,852 --> 00:15:46,945 I hope you like HGTV. 354 00:15:47,096 --> 00:15:49,839 This one loves the Property Brothers. 355 00:15:49,857 --> 00:15:52,599 -Giant charmless goons. -(whimpers) 356 00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:55,620 Oh, Lord, seems like everything's gone screwy 357 00:15:55,697 --> 00:15:57,938 ever since I donated that money in my name-- 358 00:15:58,032 --> 00:16:01,442 (stammers) I mean, in, uh, Paw Paw's name. 359 00:16:01,536 --> 00:16:05,021 Oh, are you punishing me for one small, 360 00:16:05,039 --> 00:16:07,039 possibly prideful moment? 361 00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:08,541 (phone rings) 362 00:16:08,693 --> 00:16:10,635 (gasps) God? 363 00:16:10,862 --> 00:16:12,971 Not quite, church chum, 364 00:16:13,122 --> 00:16:15,956 but another friend of yours is on the line. 365 00:16:15,976 --> 00:16:17,216 Flanders, you got to save me. 366 00:16:17,368 --> 00:16:19,293 This guy's way too weird not to be dangerous. 367 00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:21,721 He doesn't even look at his phone when he's bored. 368 00:16:21,873 --> 00:16:22,888 He's not human, I tell you. 369 00:16:23,041 --> 00:16:25,632 You've got 24 hours to get me my money, 370 00:16:25,727 --> 00:16:28,894 or I'll take out his tonsils with a power drill. 371 00:16:29,047 --> 00:16:29,988 No cops. 372 00:16:30,215 --> 00:16:31,614 (doorbell rings) 373 00:16:32,717 --> 00:16:34,383 Ned, Homer's missing. 374 00:16:34,402 --> 00:16:37,161 I just found the back door open, his car's in the garage, 375 00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:40,740 and the dog looks really queasy for some reason. 376 00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:41,741 (groans) 377 00:16:41,835 --> 00:16:43,576 (burps) 378 00:16:43,728 --> 00:16:45,319 The last thing I said to Homer 379 00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:48,172 was that he was the most selfish man in the world. 380 00:16:48,399 --> 00:16:49,990 Do you think I should call the police? 381 00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:52,401 FLANDERS: Oh, no. If she calls the police, Homer's dead. 382 00:16:52,495 --> 00:16:55,921 If I want to save his life, I have to... tell a lie. 383 00:16:56,016 --> 00:16:59,183 Uh, H-Homer, uh, uh, stopped by here last night 384 00:16:59,335 --> 00:17:01,853 (stammers) and apologized for being a jerk to me, 385 00:17:02,004 --> 00:17:04,096 and-and, uh, you know, then he hopped on a bus 386 00:17:04,249 --> 00:17:06,432 to Shelbyville for a-a-a three-day 387 00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:08,675 anger management course at the Airport, uh, (stammers) 388 00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:10,086 Hyatt-Hyatt Express. 389 00:17:10,179 --> 00:17:12,088 That doesn't sound like Homer. 390 00:17:12,106 --> 00:17:13,422 Are you calling me a liar?! 391 00:17:13,516 --> 00:17:16,942 No, but if anyone other than you told me that story, 392 00:17:17,095 --> 00:17:19,203 I'd be a little suspicious. 393 00:17:19,430 --> 00:17:21,539 Oh, you got to believe old Honest Ned. 394 00:17:21,766 --> 00:17:24,876 Anyway, I'm, uh, late for my, uh... hormone therapy. 395 00:17:25,103 --> 00:17:27,211 Bye, now. No cops. 396 00:17:27,363 --> 00:17:30,715 Something about this just doesn't feel right. 397 00:17:30,866 --> 00:17:34,135 ♪ ♪ 398 00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:53,479 FAT TONY: Ah, donut and a fried egg. 399 00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:57,158 You, stranger, are a man of circular tastes. 400 00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:02,413 On the subject of circles, some associates of yours 401 00:18:02,565 --> 00:18:06,642 roughed up a rotund gentleman under my protection, 402 00:18:06,661 --> 00:18:09,087 and now I am irate. 403 00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:10,980 Hmm. 404 00:18:10,998 --> 00:18:15,318 Did you ever hear the parable of Lucifer and the millipede? 405 00:18:15,336 --> 00:18:17,244 One day, a tiny millipede... 406 00:18:17,322 --> 00:18:20,431 Get the hell out of my town, or else! 407 00:18:27,999 --> 00:18:29,014 (bell jingles) 408 00:18:29,091 --> 00:18:31,609 Excuse me. Have you seen this man? 409 00:18:31,836 --> 00:18:33,277 Sure, that's the hobo 410 00:18:33,504 --> 00:18:35,354 that eats the day-olds out of our dumpster. 411 00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:38,157 -Haven't seen him today, though. -(groans) 412 00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:43,079 You just ate your last cigar, old man. 413 00:18:44,532 --> 00:18:45,939 Ah, coffee. 414 00:18:46,033 --> 00:18:47,941 Exactly how I like it, 415 00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:49,627 scalding hot! 416 00:18:49,854 --> 00:18:51,778 Ah! But you said hot. 417 00:18:51,873 --> 00:18:53,205 Hot! 418 00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:56,092 -(gasps) -(groans) 419 00:18:58,120 --> 00:18:59,695 (gasps) Gun! 420 00:18:59,788 --> 00:19:01,180 What the... 421 00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:05,810 (to tune of "Stayin' Alive"): Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! 422 00:19:05,961 --> 00:19:08,871 Stayin'-- (screams) 423 00:19:08,964 --> 00:19:10,815 (screams) 424 00:19:10,966 --> 00:19:13,568 You should've let me finish my parable! 425 00:19:14,395 --> 00:19:16,404 -(bell jingles) -Ahoy-hoy. 426 00:19:19,233 --> 00:19:20,241 (gasps) 427 00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:29,041 -(gun clicks empty) -Huh? 428 00:19:29,836 --> 00:19:30,835 Uh... 429 00:19:31,004 --> 00:19:32,912 (whimpering) 430 00:19:34,248 --> 00:19:36,174 FAT TONY: Why are you dipping my face in dough? 431 00:19:36,325 --> 00:19:39,084 Why are you kneading my face into an "O" shape? 432 00:19:39,237 --> 00:19:42,180 Why are you pushing my face toward the deep fryer? (sobs) 433 00:19:42,256 --> 00:19:44,924 Oh, I see. Clever. 434 00:19:45,018 --> 00:19:47,560 -(Fat Tony screams) -(grease sizzling, bubbling) 435 00:19:49,838 --> 00:19:52,231 Madam. 436 00:19:55,586 --> 00:19:57,195 (bell jingles) 437 00:19:58,089 --> 00:19:59,864 (gasps) Homer. 438 00:20:00,091 --> 00:20:01,848 -Oh, no. -(bell jingles) 439 00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:04,944 Hands up. This is totally... 440 00:20:05,096 --> 00:20:06,871 Oh, God! My God! 441 00:20:07,098 --> 00:20:08,355 What the hell happened?! 442 00:20:08,374 --> 00:20:11,375 Oh, Mafia guys! Headless dude! 443 00:20:11,527 --> 00:20:13,527 Oh, Disco Man! 444 00:20:13,621 --> 00:20:15,213 I need some water. 445 00:20:15,364 --> 00:20:18,532 Oh! His face is a donut! 446 00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:20,793 That is so messed-up. 447 00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:23,095 ♪ ♪ 448 00:20:32,065 --> 00:20:33,806 (sinister laughing) 449 00:20:33,958 --> 00:20:36,976 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 450 00:20:37,128 --> 00:20:40,145 FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 451 00:20:40,298 --> 00:20:42,815 And FORD. We go further, so you can. 452 00:20:42,967 --> 00:20:45,534 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 453 00:21:29,514 --> 00:21:31,038 Shh!