1 00:00:02,728 --> 00:00:04,420 ♪ ♪ 2 00:00:07,341 --> 00:00:09,842 We sure lucked out with this new gig. 3 00:00:10,011 --> 00:00:12,177 Half day on Christmas, unpaid polio leave, 4 00:00:12,404 --> 00:00:14,471 and all the bread crumbs you can sweep. 5 00:00:17,852 --> 00:00:20,077 Mac, we just got our first paychecks. 6 00:00:20,095 --> 00:00:22,563 Take this money and turn it into giggle water. 7 00:00:23,599 --> 00:00:25,432 (stammers) FICA?! 8 00:00:25,584 --> 00:00:26,583 What the hell is that? 9 00:00:26,602 --> 00:00:28,727 Eh, that's your Social Security tax. 10 00:00:28,879 --> 00:00:30,587 Government takes our money, 11 00:00:30,606 --> 00:00:33,866 then gives it back when you retire in 50 years. 12 00:00:34,093 --> 00:00:36,610 What? Stupid government thinks it's smarter than me. 13 00:00:36,762 --> 00:00:38,095 I can handle my money. 14 00:00:38,188 --> 00:00:40,998 Put five bucks on any two animals fighting. 15 00:00:41,934 --> 00:00:43,100 And I'll eat the loser. 16 00:00:43,227 --> 00:00:45,210 We're not gonna need Social Security. 17 00:00:45,362 --> 00:00:46,378 We're gonna be rich. 18 00:00:46,530 --> 00:00:49,106 Yeah, we'll never need government help. 19 00:00:49,124 --> 00:00:50,883 Help me, government! 20 00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:53,535 We need our Social Security checks. 21 00:00:53,629 --> 00:00:56,780 Make rain a modest, fixed amount. 22 00:00:56,799 --> 00:00:58,891 ♪ Here comes the money ♪ 23 00:00:59,042 --> 00:01:00,951 -♪ Here we go ♪ -♪ Money talks ♪ 24 00:01:00,969 --> 00:01:02,636 ♪ Here comes the money ♪ 25 00:01:02,788 --> 00:01:04,563 ♪ Money, money, money, money, money, money, money ♪ 26 00:01:04,790 --> 00:01:07,066 ♪ Money, money ♪ -♪ Dolla, dolla ♪ 27 00:01:07,217 --> 00:01:08,734 -♪ Dolla, dolla ♪ -♪ Ching, ching ♪ 28 00:01:08,961 --> 00:01:10,069 ♪ Bling, bling, cut the chatter ♪ 29 00:01:10,220 --> 00:01:11,236 ♪ You ain't talking money ♪ 30 00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:13,072 ♪ Then your talking don't matter ♪ 31 00:01:13,223 --> 00:01:15,632 ♪ Ching, ching, bling, bling, pattin' pockets ♪ 32 00:01:15,651 --> 00:01:18,468 ♪ You make the dolla dolla, can't a damn soul stop it ♪ 33 00:01:18,487 --> 00:01:19,970 -♪ Shock it ♪ -♪ Here comes ♪ 34 00:01:19,988 --> 00:01:21,471 ♪ The new kid on the block ♪ 35 00:01:21,490 --> 00:01:23,974 ♪ Hold all your bets here's where. ♪ 36 00:01:23,992 --> 00:01:25,158 GRAMPA: Hmm. 37 00:01:25,311 --> 00:01:26,159 Hmm. 38 00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:28,495 Now, this is what I call cribbage. 39 00:01:28,647 --> 00:01:29,904 Abe wins again! 40 00:01:29,998 --> 00:01:31,331 (sighs) 41 00:01:31,483 --> 00:01:33,425 Another great day in the books. 42 00:01:33,652 --> 00:01:36,261 Now to cap it all off with a medicated foot bath 43 00:01:36,488 --> 00:01:39,765 and a nice, deep-ear Q-tipping. 44 00:01:39,916 --> 00:01:41,308 (snoring) 45 00:01:43,829 --> 00:01:44,937 (phone rings) 46 00:01:45,164 --> 00:01:47,564 (exclaiming) 47 00:01:49,001 --> 00:01:50,334 Hello? 48 00:01:50,352 --> 00:01:52,669 BOY: Grandfather! You've got to help me! 49 00:01:52,688 --> 00:01:55,005 What? Is that you, Bart? 50 00:01:55,023 --> 00:01:57,432 That's right. It's me, Bart. 51 00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,767 I'm so scared. I'm in jail! 52 00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:02,028 -Jail? -Please don't tell my dad or mom. 53 00:02:02,197 --> 00:02:04,698 They'll be so mad. The policeman needs to talk to you. 54 00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:07,126 MAN: Sir, your grandson is in big trouble. 55 00:02:07,277 --> 00:02:09,853 No, not Bart. My little angel. 56 00:02:09,872 --> 00:02:12,873 Well, he was arrested for vandalism and shoplifting, sir. 57 00:02:13,041 --> 00:02:15,617 Yeah, that sounds like Bart, that little devil. 58 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,861 If you don't send his bail money in the next 90 minutes, 59 00:02:18,030 --> 00:02:19,363 he's going straight to the downtown 60 00:02:19,365 --> 00:02:20,881 juvenile detention center. 61 00:02:21,033 --> 00:02:23,458 BOY: Grandfather! Help me! Please! 62 00:02:23,552 --> 00:02:24,643 Don't worry, Bart. 63 00:02:24,794 --> 00:02:26,870 Just tell me what you need and I'll do it. 64 00:02:26,889 --> 00:02:29,189 Your Grampa loves you. 65 00:02:31,543 --> 00:02:33,894 I need to wire some money to an overseas account 66 00:02:33,970 --> 00:02:36,880 to bail my grandson out of an unnamed jail. 67 00:02:36,899 --> 00:02:38,548 Fill out this form. 68 00:02:38,642 --> 00:02:41,309 I didn't know my little Emma was in Colombia, 69 00:02:41,328 --> 00:02:44,571 let alone working as a drug mule. 70 00:02:44,723 --> 00:02:46,890 I'm just thankful the Russian secret police 71 00:02:46,909 --> 00:02:49,501 will accept the title to my Lexus. 72 00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,398 MAN: Mr. Simpson, we've confirmed receipt. 73 00:02:54,491 --> 00:02:56,416 Your grandson will be released... 74 00:02:56,568 --> 00:02:57,825 Oh, thank God. 75 00:02:57,994 --> 00:02:59,344 ...once you pay his processing fees, 76 00:02:59,496 --> 00:03:02,239 holding cell costs and handcuff tax. 77 00:03:02,257 --> 00:03:05,075 It's on its way, plus a little extra 78 00:03:05,093 --> 00:03:07,594 for you being so helpful. 79 00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:10,171 Did he reach out to his father? His mother? 80 00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:11,932 His dead grandmother? 81 00:03:12,084 --> 00:03:13,692 No. He came to me. 82 00:03:13,919 --> 00:03:16,344 Because Bart knew that he could count on his Grampa 83 00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:19,198 to get him out of any kind of jam. 84 00:03:20,275 --> 00:03:21,775 Mm. 85 00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:24,703 Oh, thank goodness you're out! 86 00:03:27,433 --> 00:03:29,541 Okay, okay, enough with the smooches. 87 00:03:29,693 --> 00:03:31,952 I don't care what you've done. All that matters 88 00:03:32,046 --> 00:03:34,713 is that no grandson of mine's gonna go to jail. 89 00:03:34,864 --> 00:03:37,457 Jail? Are you off your meds 90 00:03:37,609 --> 00:03:38,533 or on new meds? 91 00:03:38,627 --> 00:03:40,552 Bart, don't you remember? 92 00:03:40,779 --> 00:03:43,780 I just wired all that money to pay your bail. 93 00:03:43,799 --> 00:03:46,558 Whoa, Grampa, I think you were... 94 00:03:46,785 --> 00:03:47,801 scammed. 95 00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:50,562 Me, scammed? (laughs) 96 00:03:50,714 --> 00:03:51,955 That's impossible. 97 00:03:51,957 --> 00:03:54,624 No one hornswoggles Abraham J... 98 00:03:54,718 --> 00:03:55,976 S-I-M-P-S-O-N. 99 00:03:56,128 --> 00:03:59,813 Social Security number: 327-00-3658. 100 00:03:59,965 --> 00:04:01,965 First pet's name: Homer. 101 00:04:01,984 --> 00:04:03,149 (gasps) 102 00:04:03,302 --> 00:04:05,786 I've been hornswoggled. 103 00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:09,581 ANNOUNCER: You're watching the Punt Zone channel. 104 00:04:09,808 --> 00:04:11,250 It's nothing but punts. 105 00:04:11,401 --> 00:04:13,252 Never miss another exciting fair catch 106 00:04:13,479 --> 00:04:16,904 or thrilling second of hang time. 107 00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:19,091 It's fourth and long, here's the snap. 108 00:04:19,242 --> 00:04:22,052 It's a fake punt! Cut away! Cut away! 109 00:04:23,155 --> 00:04:25,413 Guys, something happened to Grampa. 110 00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:27,507 I got bamboozled out of my money 111 00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:30,010 by a flimflam artist. 112 00:04:30,162 --> 00:04:32,587 It's not his fault. Some scammer 113 00:04:32,681 --> 00:04:34,088 convinced him I was in jail. 114 00:04:34,182 --> 00:04:36,308 I'm so sorry, Grampa. 115 00:04:36,460 --> 00:04:39,836 Um, uh, let me go microwave your slippers. 116 00:04:39,929 --> 00:04:42,263 I don't deserve warm toes. 117 00:04:42,357 --> 00:04:46,176 I'm nothing but a feeble, useless, old idjit. 118 00:04:46,194 --> 00:04:49,437 No. You were just trying to be a good grandparent. 119 00:04:49,515 --> 00:04:52,198 And one bad apple took advantage of you. 120 00:04:52,293 --> 00:04:54,534 You got nothing to feel bad about. (laughs) 121 00:04:54,686 --> 00:04:58,946 Bart in jail? I would have fallen for that, too. 122 00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,132 I mean, how much money could they have taken 123 00:05:00,283 --> 00:05:02,192 from a retired, old meatball man-- 124 00:05:02,210 --> 00:05:05,211 50 bucks plus a pocketful of hard candies? 125 00:05:05,364 --> 00:05:08,140 Here you go, Dad. I'll cover it. What's the damage? 126 00:05:08,291 --> 00:05:11,034 Ten thousand dollars! 127 00:05:11,053 --> 00:05:12,385 (all gasp) 128 00:05:12,538 --> 00:05:14,220 Where the hell did you get that kind of money, 129 00:05:14,315 --> 00:05:16,540 you broken-down old meatball man? 130 00:05:16,633 --> 00:05:19,133 It's 20 years of my cribbage winnings, 131 00:05:19,153 --> 00:05:21,545 saved up in a cigar box. 132 00:05:21,563 --> 00:05:25,490 I was gonna leave it to you, and now it's all gone. 133 00:05:25,717 --> 00:05:26,575 (gasps) 134 00:05:27,644 --> 00:05:30,070 No. No. 135 00:05:30,238 --> 00:05:31,496 No! 136 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,575 I had an inheritance and you gave it away? 137 00:05:35,727 --> 00:05:37,985 I'm so mad I could kill you, 138 00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:39,913 but now I'd get nothing. 139 00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:42,090 I hope you live forever! 140 00:05:48,164 --> 00:05:49,923 Now to read Abraham J. Simpson's 141 00:05:50,075 --> 00:05:52,184 final will and testament. 142 00:05:52,335 --> 00:05:54,168 To my surviving Homers, 143 00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:56,413 I leave you $10,000 144 00:05:56,431 --> 00:05:59,082 -that I never told you about... -(giggles) 145 00:05:59,101 --> 00:06:00,767 -Oh! -Huh? -Yeah? 146 00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:03,177 ...but then I lost it all to a scam. 147 00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:04,771 So, because I'm a moron, 148 00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,681 I leave you nothing. 149 00:06:06,775 --> 00:06:08,700 ALL: D'oh! 150 00:06:08,852 --> 00:06:10,443 Ten thousand dollars! 151 00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:12,537 (exhales) That dream again? 152 00:06:12,689 --> 00:06:15,207 The money's gone, gone. 153 00:06:15,358 --> 00:06:18,860 But how can you miss money you never knew you had? 154 00:06:18,954 --> 00:06:21,380 That's the worst part: to find out got money, 155 00:06:21,531 --> 00:06:23,790 but you lost money, so you have it, 156 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,108 but you don't have it. 157 00:06:25,201 --> 00:06:27,386 Oh, it's giving me whipcash. 158 00:06:27,537 --> 00:06:29,779 (whimpers, grunts) 159 00:06:31,116 --> 00:06:33,950 Just think of all the ways my life could have been better 160 00:06:33,952 --> 00:06:36,395 with that ten grand. 161 00:06:43,812 --> 00:06:45,362 (moans): Oh. 162 00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:50,817 So, uh, we're asking each family to chip in $50 163 00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:53,136 for a new fundraising thermometer. 164 00:06:53,229 --> 00:06:56,415 Oh, yeah, 50 bucks-- I would totally donate that 165 00:06:56,566 --> 00:06:57,732 if my father hadn't 166 00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,977 given away $10,000! 167 00:07:00,996 --> 00:07:03,588 Um, it's just a suggested amount. 168 00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:07,317 Sure, ten grand might not sound like much to you teachers, 169 00:07:07,410 --> 00:07:09,911 but I choose inheriting $10,000 170 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:12,989 over earning a million. 171 00:07:12,991 --> 00:07:14,582 And all of you would do the same! 172 00:07:14,676 --> 00:07:16,342 Homer, not here. 173 00:07:16,437 --> 00:07:18,845 Because generational wealth is the purest, 174 00:07:18,997 --> 00:07:21,014 most sacred kind of money there is. 175 00:07:21,166 --> 00:07:23,942 But my father fell for some super-obvious scam 176 00:07:24,169 --> 00:07:26,186 because his brain is made of 177 00:07:26,338 --> 00:07:28,763 powdered mashed potatoes. 178 00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:32,659 So, no, I will not be donating. 179 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:34,953 (huffs) 180 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:38,348 -Oh... -Marge, if I may, I-I dealt with a similar situation 181 00:07:38,366 --> 00:07:40,274 with my mother. She got a phone call 182 00:07:40,352 --> 00:07:42,352 claiming punk rockers were threatening to cut my hair 183 00:07:42,370 --> 00:07:45,038 into a Mohawk, which is a distinctive hairstyle... 184 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:46,356 I know what it is. 185 00:07:46,449 --> 00:07:48,525 This place got us through it. 186 00:07:48,543 --> 00:07:50,193 Hmm. 187 00:07:50,212 --> 00:07:52,362 This could be just what we need. 188 00:07:52,380 --> 00:07:54,214 Oh, uh, sorry, that's not for you to keep. 189 00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:56,683 I don't get many business cards. 190 00:07:58,479 --> 00:08:01,646 Group therapy? In my day, we dealt with horrible shame 191 00:08:01,798 --> 00:08:04,708 by getting blind drunk, stumbling into a hobo camp 192 00:08:04,801 --> 00:08:06,209 and fighting their king. 193 00:08:06,228 --> 00:08:08,636 Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. 194 00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:09,988 Just give it a try, Abe. 195 00:08:10,139 --> 00:08:13,033 It'll help to know that you're not alone. 196 00:08:14,386 --> 00:08:16,236 (chuckles) Nice, Marge. 197 00:08:16,388 --> 00:08:18,663 Making Dad sit through a pathetic sob-fest 198 00:08:18,815 --> 00:08:22,149 with his fellow losers is the perfect punishment. 199 00:08:22,227 --> 00:08:24,461 There's a group for you, too. 200 00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:29,824 I... (grunts) wish I never voted to build this community center. 201 00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:31,009 (Marge grunts) 202 00:08:31,236 --> 00:08:33,903 (sighs) I should have known mortgage lenders 203 00:08:33,922 --> 00:08:35,905 don't take Applebee's gift cards. 204 00:08:35,924 --> 00:08:38,258 He said if I didn't wire the money to the power company, 205 00:08:38,410 --> 00:08:40,668 they'd shut off my electricity. 206 00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:43,004 I am the power company. 207 00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:44,247 Catfished. Ooh! 208 00:08:44,266 --> 00:08:46,358 Now it seems so obvious 209 00:08:46,509 --> 00:08:49,176 that I would never meet the real Melissa Joan Hart 210 00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:51,421 in a online billiards forum. 211 00:08:51,439 --> 00:08:54,424 These criminals target the good in all of us, 212 00:08:54,442 --> 00:08:56,609 so the first step is to take a deep breath 213 00:08:56,762 --> 00:08:58,928 and forgive ourselves. 214 00:08:58,947 --> 00:09:02,615 (all inhale, exhale) 215 00:09:02,768 --> 00:09:06,378 My mother paid hackers to return her stolen computer photos. 216 00:09:06,605 --> 00:09:08,713 (groans) They weren't gone. They were backed up 217 00:09:08,865 --> 00:09:11,608 to the cloud, Dropbox, Time Machine-- 218 00:09:11,701 --> 00:09:13,610 things of that nature. 219 00:09:13,628 --> 00:09:16,871 Now, these are the things you should never say to a victim. 220 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,965 "I would never have fallen for that," 221 00:09:19,117 --> 00:09:21,618 "Everyone knows about that scam," 222 00:09:21,711 --> 00:09:23,803 and "What were you thinking?" 223 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,880 I would have never fallen for that! 224 00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,732 Everyone knows about that scam! 225 00:09:27,959 --> 00:09:29,809 What were you thinking?! 226 00:09:29,961 --> 00:09:31,311 No, it wasn't my fault. 227 00:09:31,463 --> 00:09:34,055 This group taught me not to feel shame. 228 00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:37,150 I'm on a path of healing and self-empowerment. 229 00:09:37,302 --> 00:09:39,135 You better not be. 230 00:09:39,228 --> 00:09:42,247 Now, what do we say to shamers like him? 231 00:09:42,398 --> 00:09:44,565 ALL: Shaming is blaming. 232 00:09:44,659 --> 00:09:47,419 Yes, 100% agree! 233 00:09:49,648 --> 00:09:51,256 (grunts) 234 00:09:51,483 --> 00:09:53,499 How could you treat Grampa like that? 235 00:09:53,594 --> 00:09:55,927 You think you're so smart. Do you really think 236 00:09:56,154 --> 00:09:58,579 the same thing wouldn't have happened to you? 237 00:09:58,673 --> 00:10:00,006 Me? Impossible. 238 00:10:00,158 --> 00:10:02,008 I'm too savvy. 239 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:04,769 This savvy! See? 240 00:10:04,996 --> 00:10:08,014 Dad, anyone can get scammed. Even me. 241 00:10:08,166 --> 00:10:10,108 I paid the bullies for wedgie insurance. 242 00:10:10,259 --> 00:10:12,335 But the minute I got a wedgie, bam! 243 00:10:12,428 --> 00:10:14,687 I got hit with a deductible-- another wedgie! 244 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:16,281 And my rates went up. 245 00:10:16,432 --> 00:10:19,433 That's why I never get any insurance. 246 00:10:19,486 --> 00:10:21,119 I got an email saying I qualified 247 00:10:21,196 --> 00:10:23,179 for the Saxophone Junior Olympics, 248 00:10:23,198 --> 00:10:26,107 but when I clicked the link, they hacked my phone 249 00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:29,777 and stole my Audible listener credits. 250 00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:31,020 (laughs) 251 00:10:31,039 --> 00:10:33,873 You clicked the link? (laughing) 252 00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:37,785 That's so... Who clicks the link? 253 00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,712 Even children are being scammed? 254 00:10:39,865 --> 00:10:42,548 Well, maybe there's a few more bad apples than I thought. 255 00:10:42,701 --> 00:10:47,128 But I still have to believe the barrel is mostly good. 256 00:10:47,222 --> 00:10:49,630 Oh, Marge, how I envy your sweet innocence. 257 00:10:49,724 --> 00:10:53,818 The world is a blender full of sharks set on extra teeth. 258 00:10:54,045 --> 00:10:56,713 So you got to be like me-- always on guard 259 00:10:56,806 --> 00:10:59,974 -so you're never a sucker. -(doorbell rings) 260 00:11:00,068 --> 00:11:02,309 Delivery for Homer Simpson. 261 00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:03,978 Why'd you buy all these knives? 262 00:11:04,072 --> 00:11:06,890 They're not knives. They're the future of cutlery. 263 00:11:06,983 --> 00:11:08,574 Put 'em in the garage with the others. 264 00:11:08,669 --> 00:11:09,542 Others? 265 00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:13,004 -(gasps) -Cutlife is a famous 266 00:11:13,156 --> 00:11:15,322 multi-level marketing company. 267 00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:18,510 Dad, you fell for a pyramid scheme. 268 00:11:18,737 --> 00:11:20,679 Scheme? No way. 269 00:11:20,906 --> 00:11:22,405 They didn't even want to let me join. 270 00:11:22,498 --> 00:11:25,425 But, luckily, at the last minute, a space opened up. 271 00:11:25,519 --> 00:11:27,668 How many knives have you even sold? 272 00:11:27,746 --> 00:11:30,021 (laughs) I don't sell them. 273 00:11:30,248 --> 00:11:31,764 I engage opportunity handlers 274 00:11:31,858 --> 00:11:33,933 to distributize them for me, 275 00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:36,177 the expandibution manager. 276 00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,512 It's all part of Charles E. Cutlife's 277 00:11:38,532 --> 00:11:41,199 three-dimensional triangle system. 278 00:11:41,350 --> 00:11:43,109 -Look! -BART: Why can't Dad 279 00:11:43,261 --> 00:11:45,036 ever get arrested in a suit? 280 00:11:45,263 --> 00:11:46,763 Face it, genius: 281 00:11:46,856 --> 00:11:50,357 you got scammed. 282 00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:53,211 (sobs) She's right. Everyone's right. 283 00:11:53,438 --> 00:11:56,214 Don't look at my gullible face! (sobs) 284 00:11:57,050 --> 00:12:00,034 And so I consign to the flames 285 00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:02,628 a monument to my own stupidity. 286 00:12:02,781 --> 00:12:03,680 -No! -(grunts) 287 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:09,561 Now, isn't there someone you need to apologize to? 288 00:12:09,712 --> 00:12:11,045 Maybe your father? 289 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,379 Yeah, you're right. 290 00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:15,475 I said such horrible things to him. 291 00:12:15,627 --> 00:12:16,693 (gasps) 292 00:12:17,979 --> 00:12:19,796 All that time I was yelling at you, 293 00:12:19,889 --> 00:12:21,740 it turns out I'm a sucker, too. 294 00:12:21,891 --> 00:12:23,299 Will you forgive me, Dad? 295 00:12:23,392 --> 00:12:25,301 Of course, son. Hopefully, we've all 296 00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:28,062 come out of this a little more savvy. 297 00:12:28,139 --> 00:12:29,748 (phone rings) 298 00:12:29,975 --> 00:12:32,417 Hello? Yes, this is a grandparent 299 00:12:32,644 --> 00:12:36,145 of a boy or girl. Sure, put him or her on the phone. 300 00:12:36,164 --> 00:12:38,648 No! Lisa's in jail! 301 00:12:38,783 --> 00:12:41,334 Grampa, they're trying to trick you again. 302 00:12:41,486 --> 00:12:43,336 (gasps) It's the same swindler. 303 00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:45,597 He must think I'm greedy for more. 304 00:12:45,673 --> 00:12:47,015 (gasps) I got an idea. 305 00:12:48,660 --> 00:12:51,511 Grampa, you got to keep talking so that guy stays on the phone. 306 00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:52,920 Keep talking? 307 00:12:53,014 --> 00:12:54,680 I've been preparing for this moment 308 00:12:54,833 --> 00:12:56,274 my entire life. 309 00:12:56,425 --> 00:12:58,092 MAN: Sir, look, if you don't 310 00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:00,094 put up that bail money, your granddaughter 311 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,021 will be spending the night in the cooler. 312 00:13:02,173 --> 00:13:04,765 -(crack) -In my day, we didn't have fancy coolers, 313 00:13:04,785 --> 00:13:07,952 so everyone took turns blowing on the meat to keep it fresh, 314 00:13:08,179 --> 00:13:11,180 unless you hired a Dutch family to blow on your food for you. 315 00:13:11,199 --> 00:13:14,417 Breezies is what you'd call 'em. 316 00:13:15,796 --> 00:13:17,962 (snoring) 317 00:13:19,615 --> 00:13:21,040 (high-pitched gibberish plays, stops) 318 00:13:21,209 --> 00:13:22,708 MAN: Sir, if you could just 319 00:13:22,861 --> 00:13:24,969 give us your bank information... 320 00:13:25,121 --> 00:13:27,454 GRAMPA: It was quite the scandal when a breezy 321 00:13:27,532 --> 00:13:30,383 married a smusher-- those were the fellas you hired 322 00:13:30,535 --> 00:13:33,202 to flatten your sandwiches by sitting on 'em-- 323 00:13:33,296 --> 00:13:36,097 and the whole town came out to throw tar... 324 00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:38,966 Wow, that's some quality prattle. 325 00:13:39,060 --> 00:13:41,060 Okay, I've run all three hours of the call 326 00:13:41,212 --> 00:13:42,821 through open-source audio software, 327 00:13:42,972 --> 00:13:44,489 and the unique pattern of church bells 328 00:13:44,658 --> 00:13:48,493 and roller-coaster screams pins the location to... 329 00:13:49,737 --> 00:13:53,072 ...ladies and gentlemen, the address of the scammer. 330 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,150 Whoa, we could get the money back. 331 00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,077 It's not about the money. 332 00:13:58,229 --> 00:14:00,913 I want to show that bad guy the face of the old man 333 00:14:01,066 --> 00:14:04,067 whose love and decency he exploited. 334 00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:06,660 Oh, honey, you have a beautiful heart. 335 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:07,920 But make no mistake-- 336 00:14:08,089 --> 00:14:10,723 it is about the money! 337 00:14:22,587 --> 00:14:24,279 ♪ ♪ 338 00:14:29,761 --> 00:14:32,019 Kids, today you're gonna learn an important lesson: 339 00:14:32,113 --> 00:14:34,688 sometimes the sheep get back their wool. 340 00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:37,375 (scoffs) No, they don't. They just grow more wool. 341 00:14:37,602 --> 00:14:39,878 What are you, a shepherd? Come on, Dad. 342 00:14:40,105 --> 00:14:41,963 Let's go get my eventual money back. 343 00:14:43,532 --> 00:14:45,199 How are we gonna get past the guard? 344 00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:47,126 Aw, don't worry about that. 345 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:50,263 My friends can get us in. 346 00:14:52,450 --> 00:14:54,559 That's the surgical precision you only get 347 00:14:54,710 --> 00:14:56,728 from the finest Idaho steel. 348 00:14:56,955 --> 00:14:59,789 Amazing. I'll take the full set. 349 00:14:59,882 --> 00:15:01,641 Oh, you're not buying the knives. 350 00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:03,142 I could sell them? 351 00:15:03,294 --> 00:15:06,479 No, you can sell other people on selling them. 352 00:15:06,631 --> 00:15:10,224 These knives sell selling themselves themselves. 353 00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:12,969 This is the opportunity of a lifetime! 354 00:15:13,062 --> 00:15:16,456 I'm gonna go tell my pregnant wife about my new career. 355 00:15:17,733 --> 00:15:20,084 Okay, Grampa, we're gonna find that bad guy 356 00:15:20,311 --> 00:15:22,587 and get you some justice. 357 00:15:22,738 --> 00:15:25,757 (low overlapping chatter) 358 00:15:25,984 --> 00:15:27,592 Uh, which one's the scammer? 359 00:15:27,669 --> 00:15:29,819 They're all the scammer. 360 00:15:29,837 --> 00:15:31,912 The IRS tax police are on their way to your home, 361 00:15:31,932 --> 00:15:34,915 but we'll accept immediate payment in Fortnite V-bucks. 362 00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:37,435 Oh, your Airbnb is all ready to go, there. 363 00:15:37,662 --> 00:15:39,512 I'm fluffing the towels right now. 364 00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:41,105 Fluff, fluff. 365 00:15:41,257 --> 00:15:42,832 There's so many of them. 366 00:15:42,925 --> 00:15:43,924 (clears throat) 367 00:15:44,002 --> 00:15:46,852 You are all in an unethical industry 368 00:15:46,947 --> 00:15:49,322 and we have called the authorities. 369 00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:52,358 (panting) Oh, man. 370 00:15:52,510 --> 00:15:55,194 Another boiler room of phone hucksters. 371 00:15:55,363 --> 00:15:57,530 All right, scambags, you know the drill: 372 00:15:57,682 --> 00:16:01,584 you don't got to go home, but you can't grift here. 373 00:16:04,038 --> 00:16:06,631 -Come on. -What? -Really? 374 00:16:08,284 --> 00:16:10,526 Aren't you going to arrest them? 375 00:16:10,619 --> 00:16:12,303 Marge, you shut down one of these, 376 00:16:12,455 --> 00:16:14,621 five more pop up in its place. 377 00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,975 Phone fraud and Halloween costumes for pets 378 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:19,702 are America's only growth industries. 379 00:16:19,795 --> 00:16:22,963 So they're just employees doing this for a paycheck? 380 00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:25,057 I wish we got paid in money. 381 00:16:25,134 --> 00:16:27,727 All we get is minimum wage and gift cards. 382 00:16:27,821 --> 00:16:29,895 -Do you have my dad's money? -No. 383 00:16:30,048 --> 00:16:31,881 -Do you have my money? -Nope. 384 00:16:31,899 --> 00:16:33,474 Can I have $10,000? 385 00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,142 BART'S VOICE: Not gonna happen, dude. 386 00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:37,069 Hey, you sound familiar. 387 00:16:37,163 --> 00:16:38,997 Don't have a cow, man. 388 00:16:40,058 --> 00:16:42,649 Is this what we wanted to happen? 389 00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:46,762 Okay, I know this seems bad, but... but, uh... 390 00:16:46,781 --> 00:16:50,399 Oh, come on, Mom, you always see the good in everything. 391 00:16:50,401 --> 00:16:53,085 Well, on the bright side, 392 00:16:53,238 --> 00:16:55,829 if you look at it a certain way... 393 00:16:55,998 --> 00:16:57,423 there is no bright side! 394 00:16:57,575 --> 00:17:00,259 The whole world is one big criminal organization! 395 00:17:00,411 --> 00:17:04,004 From hedge funds to payday loans to the NCAA, 396 00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:05,915 it's not just a few bad apples-- 397 00:17:05,933 --> 00:17:08,434 it's the whole orchard that's rotten! 398 00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:09,861 (grunts) 399 00:17:10,012 --> 00:17:11,678 Whoa, gift cards! 400 00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:12,938 Justice wasn't served, 401 00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:15,575 but dinner is. 402 00:17:17,019 --> 00:17:19,186 (groans) I can't believe we ate 403 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:21,931 $500 worth of appetizers. 404 00:17:21,949 --> 00:17:25,284 Revenge sliders dipped in payback sauce. 405 00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:26,544 Mmm. 406 00:17:26,695 --> 00:17:28,713 Honey, you're not sweating from overeating. 407 00:17:28,864 --> 00:17:30,531 What's wrong? 408 00:17:30,625 --> 00:17:34,443 These gift cards were obtained by scamming innocent people. 409 00:17:34,462 --> 00:17:36,203 So no, thank you. 410 00:17:36,297 --> 00:17:37,630 You said it yourself-- 411 00:17:37,782 --> 00:17:40,374 everyone in the world is ripping off everyone else. 412 00:17:40,468 --> 00:17:42,894 Why shouldn't we wet our beaks? 413 00:17:43,045 --> 00:17:45,879 Oh, you got to try these fried beaks. 414 00:17:45,973 --> 00:17:48,457 Dip the beak! Dip the beak! 415 00:17:48,476 --> 00:17:50,810 Well, it seems like no one else has a problem 416 00:17:50,904 --> 00:17:53,696 gorging on ill-gotten appetizers. 417 00:17:54,908 --> 00:17:56,991 Beak me. 418 00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:04,999 (munching) 419 00:18:05,827 --> 00:18:08,144 With that deep-fried morsel, 420 00:18:08,162 --> 00:18:11,163 my victory is complete. 421 00:18:11,316 --> 00:18:13,149 Uh, we're all seeing 422 00:18:13,167 --> 00:18:15,927 the freak in the sandals, right? (burps) 423 00:18:16,078 --> 00:18:18,745 Yes, but this can't be real. 424 00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:22,675 We probably just ate too many wasabi mac and cheese balls. 425 00:18:22,844 --> 00:18:24,660 Silence, you mewling wretches, 426 00:18:24,753 --> 00:18:28,164 for I am Loki, god of mischief. 427 00:18:28,257 --> 00:18:30,666 But I am known by many names 428 00:18:30,759 --> 00:18:32,693 and take many forms. 429 00:18:35,006 --> 00:18:37,189 Buy crypto, suckers! 430 00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:39,358 And my handiwork of deception 431 00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:42,528 is woven into the fabric of the universe. 432 00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:44,847 From the Ticketmaster convenience fee 433 00:18:44,940 --> 00:18:47,291 to the NCAA. 434 00:18:47,443 --> 00:18:50,611 Oh, lord of appetizers, I kneel before you. 435 00:18:50,705 --> 00:18:54,357 Who shall I smother with ranch in your name? 436 00:18:54,450 --> 00:18:58,194 Well, Loki, you've already taken an old man's life savings. 437 00:18:58,212 --> 00:18:59,862 What more do you want? 438 00:18:59,881 --> 00:19:02,140 I have come here to... 439 00:19:02,367 --> 00:19:03,457 'Zerz... 440 00:19:03,551 --> 00:19:05,125 to take my prize: 441 00:19:05,219 --> 00:19:08,371 an honest woman's belief in the good of mankind. 442 00:19:08,389 --> 00:19:11,390 And now, as the old laws demand, 443 00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:14,877 I must bestow upon the vanquished a kiss. 444 00:19:14,896 --> 00:19:16,154 Mwah. 445 00:19:16,381 --> 00:19:18,731 Ha-ha! There are no old laws. 446 00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:20,974 God of mischief does it again! 447 00:19:20,994 --> 00:19:23,219 Now, off to add more blackout dates 448 00:19:23,237 --> 00:19:25,830 to Disneyland annual passes. 449 00:19:25,981 --> 00:19:29,408 (giggles) 450 00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:31,294 Suckers. 451 00:19:32,154 --> 00:19:33,838 Whoa, that was weird. 452 00:19:34,065 --> 00:19:35,965 Should we get the rest to go? 453 00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:39,826 Excuse me, I'm out of gas 454 00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:41,495 and left my wallet at home. 455 00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:42,996 Would you lend me $20? 456 00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:44,998 I'll mail it back to you, I promise. 457 00:19:45,092 --> 00:19:47,834 Uh, I'm sorry, but that is an obvious scam. 458 00:19:47,929 --> 00:19:49,503 Uh, go find another sucker. 459 00:19:49,597 --> 00:19:52,081 Is this it-- from now on, I live in a world 460 00:19:52,099 --> 00:19:55,084 where nobody trusts anybody? 461 00:19:55,102 --> 00:19:56,843 No, not me. 462 00:19:56,938 --> 00:19:59,513 Here's $20 and my address. 463 00:19:59,607 --> 00:20:02,533 I trust that you'll mail me the money. 464 00:20:10,451 --> 00:20:12,001 (sighs) 465 00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:17,030 (gasps) I knew it! 466 00:20:17,124 --> 00:20:18,290 Maybe you're right, baby. 467 00:20:18,443 --> 00:20:21,110 There still are some good people out there. 468 00:20:21,128 --> 00:20:24,347 In your face, god of scams! 469 00:20:27,952 --> 00:20:29,285 (whistles tune) 470 00:20:29,378 --> 00:20:32,063 Well, I'm out another 20 bucks, 471 00:20:32,214 --> 00:20:35,048 but I gave them something to believe in. 472 00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:37,810 (laughs) Suckers. 473 00:20:37,962 --> 00:20:39,979 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 474 00:20:40,131 --> 00:20:41,981 FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 475 00:20:42,133 --> 00:20:43,816 And FORD. We go further, so you can. 476 00:20:43,968 --> 00:20:46,285 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 477 00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:53,142 Your Social Security number has been compromised. 478 00:20:53,235 --> 00:20:53,918 Please give us your Social Security number 479 00:20:54,069 --> 00:20:56,069 so we can keep it safe. 480 00:20:57,072 --> 00:20:59,924 I met my billionaire boyfriend on Billionaire Match. 481 00:21:00,075 --> 00:21:01,575 Match with billions of billionaires 482 00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:04,011 for only $4.95 a month. 483 00:21:05,581 --> 00:21:08,549 If you or your family have used toilet paper in the last year, 484 00:21:08,659 --> 00:21:12,019 you can join us in a class action lawsuit. 485 00:21:13,255 --> 00:21:15,514 We have found nude photos of you. 486 00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:17,758 If you want these removed and/or touched up, 487 00:21:17,852 --> 00:21:19,852 please press 1 now. 488 00:21:21,022 --> 00:21:23,856 This is Jerry down at whatever bank you use. 489 00:21:24,008 --> 00:21:25,616 We lost your PIN number. 490 00:21:25,768 --> 00:21:27,743 Can you send it to us? 491 00:21:29,514 --> 00:21:30,997 Shh!