1
00:00:02,728 --> 00:00:04,420
♪ ♪
2
00:00:07,341 --> 00:00:09,842
We sure lucked out
with this new gig.
3
00:00:10,011 --> 00:00:12,177
Half day on Christmas,
unpaid polio leave,
4
00:00:12,404 --> 00:00:14,471
and all the bread crumbs
you can sweep.
5
00:00:17,852 --> 00:00:20,077
Mac, we just
got our first paychecks.
6
00:00:20,095 --> 00:00:22,563
Take this money
and turn it into giggle water.
7
00:00:23,599 --> 00:00:25,432
(stammers) FICA?!
8
00:00:25,584 --> 00:00:26,583
What the hell is that?
9
00:00:26,602 --> 00:00:28,727
Eh, that's your
Social Security tax.
10
00:00:28,879 --> 00:00:30,587
Government takes our money,
11
00:00:30,606 --> 00:00:33,866
then gives it back
when you retire in 50 years.
12
00:00:34,093 --> 00:00:36,610
What? Stupid government
thinks it's smarter than me.
13
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I can handle my money.
14
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Put five bucks
on any two animals fighting.
15
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And I'll eat the loser.
16
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We're not gonna
need Social Security.
17
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We're gonna be rich.
18
00:00:46,530 --> 00:00:49,106
Yeah, we'll never
need government help.
19
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Help me, government!
20
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We need our
Social Security checks.
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Make rain a modest,
fixed amount.
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00:00:56,799 --> 00:00:58,891
♪ Here comes the money ♪
23
00:00:59,042 --> 00:01:00,951
-♪ Here we go ♪
-♪ Money talks ♪
24
00:01:00,969 --> 00:01:02,636
♪ Here comes the money ♪
25
00:01:02,788 --> 00:01:04,563
♪ Money, money, money,
money, money, money, money ♪
26
00:01:04,790 --> 00:01:07,066
♪ Money, money ♪
-♪ Dolla, dolla ♪
27
00:01:07,217 --> 00:01:08,734
-♪ Dolla, dolla ♪
-♪ Ching, ching ♪
28
00:01:08,961 --> 00:01:10,069
♪ Bling, bling,
cut the chatter ♪
29
00:01:10,220 --> 00:01:11,236
♪ You ain't talking money ♪
30
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♪ Then your talking
don't matter ♪
31
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♪ Ching, ching, bling, bling,
pattin' pockets ♪
32
00:01:15,651 --> 00:01:18,468
♪ You make the dolla dolla,
can't a damn soul stop it ♪
33
00:01:18,487 --> 00:01:19,970
-♪ Shock it ♪
-♪ Here comes ♪
34
00:01:19,988 --> 00:01:21,471
♪ The new kid on the block ♪
35
00:01:21,490 --> 00:01:23,974
♪ Hold all your bets
here's where. ♪
36
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GRAMPA: Hmm.
37
00:01:25,311 --> 00:01:26,159
Hmm.
38
00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:28,495
Now, this is what
I call cribbage.
39
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Abe wins again!
40
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(sighs)
41
00:01:31,483 --> 00:01:33,425
Another great day in the books.
42
00:01:33,652 --> 00:01:36,261
Now to cap it all off
with a medicated foot bath
43
00:01:36,488 --> 00:01:39,765
and a nice, deep-ear Q-tipping.
44
00:01:39,916 --> 00:01:41,308
(snoring)
45
00:01:43,829 --> 00:01:44,937
(phone rings)
46
00:01:45,164 --> 00:01:47,564
(exclaiming)
47
00:01:49,001 --> 00:01:50,334
Hello?
48
00:01:50,352 --> 00:01:52,669
BOY:
Grandfather!
You've got to help me!
49
00:01:52,688 --> 00:01:55,005
What?
Is that you, Bart?
50
00:01:55,023 --> 00:01:57,432
That's right.
It's me, Bart.
51
00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,767
I'm so scared.
I'm in jail!
52
00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:02,028
-Jail?
-Please don't
tell my dad or mom.
53
00:02:02,197 --> 00:02:04,698
They'll be so mad. The policeman
needs to talk to you.
54
00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:07,126
MAN:
Sir, your grandson
is in big trouble.
55
00:02:07,277 --> 00:02:09,853
No, not Bart.
My little angel.
56
00:02:09,872 --> 00:02:12,873
Well, he was arrested for
vandalism and shoplifting, sir.
57
00:02:13,041 --> 00:02:15,617
Yeah, that sounds like Bart,
that little devil.
58
00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,861
If you don't send his bail money
in the next 90 minutes,
59
00:02:18,030 --> 00:02:19,363
he's going straight
to the downtown
60
00:02:19,365 --> 00:02:20,881
juvenile detention center.
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00:02:21,033 --> 00:02:23,458
BOY:
Grandfather! Help me! Please!
62
00:02:23,552 --> 00:02:24,643
Don't worry, Bart.
63
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Just tell me what you need
and I'll do it.
64
00:02:26,889 --> 00:02:29,189
Your Grampa loves you.
65
00:02:31,543 --> 00:02:33,894
I need to wire some money
to an overseas account
66
00:02:33,970 --> 00:02:36,880
to bail my grandson
out of an unnamed jail.
67
00:02:36,899 --> 00:02:38,548
Fill out this form.
68
00:02:38,642 --> 00:02:41,309
I didn't know my little Emma
was in Colombia,
69
00:02:41,328 --> 00:02:44,571
let alone
working as a drug mule.
70
00:02:44,723 --> 00:02:46,890
I'm just thankful
the Russian secret police
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00:02:46,909 --> 00:02:49,501
will accept the title
to my Lexus.
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00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,398
MAN:
Mr. Simpson, we've
confirmed receipt.
73
00:02:54,491 --> 00:02:56,416
Your grandson
will be released...
74
00:02:56,568 --> 00:02:57,825
Oh, thank God.
75
00:02:57,994 --> 00:02:59,344
...once you pay
his processing fees,
76
00:02:59,496 --> 00:03:02,239
holding cell costs
and handcuff tax.
77
00:03:02,257 --> 00:03:05,075
It's on its way,
plus a little extra
78
00:03:05,093 --> 00:03:07,594
for you being so helpful.
79
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:10,171
Did he reach out to his father?
His mother?
80
00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:11,932
His dead grandmother?
81
00:03:12,084 --> 00:03:13,692
No.
He came to me.
82
00:03:13,919 --> 00:03:16,344
Because Bart knew that
he could count on his Grampa
83
00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:19,198
to get him
out of any kind of jam.
84
00:03:20,275 --> 00:03:21,775
Mm.
85
00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:24,703
Oh, thank goodness
you're out!
86
00:03:27,433 --> 00:03:29,541
Okay, okay,
enough with the smooches.
87
00:03:29,693 --> 00:03:31,952
I don't care what you've done.
All that matters
88
00:03:32,046 --> 00:03:34,713
is that no grandson of mine's
gonna go to jail.
89
00:03:34,864 --> 00:03:37,457
Jail?
Are you off your meds
90
00:03:37,609 --> 00:03:38,533
or on new meds?
91
00:03:38,627 --> 00:03:40,552
Bart, don't you remember?
92
00:03:40,779 --> 00:03:43,780
I just wired all that money
to pay your bail.
93
00:03:43,799 --> 00:03:46,558
Whoa, Grampa,
I think you were...
94
00:03:46,785 --> 00:03:47,801
scammed.
95
00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:50,562
Me, scammed?
(laughs)
96
00:03:50,714 --> 00:03:51,955
That's impossible.
97
00:03:51,957 --> 00:03:54,624
No one hornswoggles Abraham J...
98
00:03:54,718 --> 00:03:55,976
S-I-M-P-S-O-N.
99
00:03:56,128 --> 00:03:59,813
Social Security number:
327-00-3658.
100
00:03:59,965 --> 00:04:01,965
First pet's name: Homer.
101
00:04:01,984 --> 00:04:03,149
(gasps)
102
00:04:03,302 --> 00:04:05,786
I've been hornswoggled.
103
00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:09,581
ANNOUNCER:
You're watching
the Punt Zone channel.
104
00:04:09,808 --> 00:04:11,250
It's nothing but punts.
105
00:04:11,401 --> 00:04:13,252
Never miss another
exciting fair catch
106
00:04:13,479 --> 00:04:16,904
or thrilling second
of hang time.
107
00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:19,091
It's fourth and long,
here's the snap.
108
00:04:19,242 --> 00:04:22,052
It's a fake punt!
Cut away! Cut away!
109
00:04:23,155 --> 00:04:25,413
Guys, something happened
to Grampa.
110
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:27,507
I got bamboozled out of my money
111
00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:30,010
by a flimflam artist.
112
00:04:30,162 --> 00:04:32,587
It's not his fault.
Some scammer
113
00:04:32,681 --> 00:04:34,088
convinced him I was in jail.
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I'm so sorry, Grampa.
115
00:04:36,460 --> 00:04:39,836
Um, uh, let me
go microwave your slippers.
116
00:04:39,929 --> 00:04:42,263
I don't deserve warm toes.
117
00:04:42,357 --> 00:04:46,176
I'm nothing but a feeble,
useless, old idjit.
118
00:04:46,194 --> 00:04:49,437
No. You were just trying
to be a good grandparent.
119
00:04:49,515 --> 00:04:52,198
And one bad apple
took advantage of you.
120
00:04:52,293 --> 00:04:54,534
You got nothing
to feel bad about. (laughs)
121
00:04:54,686 --> 00:04:58,946
Bart in jail? I would have
fallen for that, too.
122
00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,132
I mean, how much money
could they have taken
123
00:05:00,283 --> 00:05:02,192
from a retired,
old meatball man--
124
00:05:02,210 --> 00:05:05,211
50 bucks plus a pocketful
of hard candies?
125
00:05:05,364 --> 00:05:08,140
Here you go, Dad. I'll cover it.
What's the damage?
126
00:05:08,291 --> 00:05:11,034
Ten thousand dollars!
127
00:05:11,053 --> 00:05:12,385
(all gasp)
128
00:05:12,538 --> 00:05:14,220
Where the hell
did you get that kind of money,
129
00:05:14,315 --> 00:05:16,540
you broken-down
old meatball man?
130
00:05:16,633 --> 00:05:19,133
It's 20 years
of my cribbage winnings,
131
00:05:19,153 --> 00:05:21,545
saved up in a cigar box.
132
00:05:21,563 --> 00:05:25,490
I was gonna leave it to you,
and now it's all gone.
133
00:05:25,717 --> 00:05:26,575
(gasps)
134
00:05:27,644 --> 00:05:30,070
No. No.
135
00:05:30,238 --> 00:05:31,496
No!
136
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,575
I had an inheritance
and you gave it away?
137
00:05:35,727 --> 00:05:37,985
I'm so mad I could kill you,
138
00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:39,913
but now I'd get nothing.
139
00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:42,090
I hope you live forever!
140
00:05:48,164 --> 00:05:49,923
Now to read Abraham J. Simpson's
141
00:05:50,075 --> 00:05:52,184
final will and testament.
142
00:05:52,335 --> 00:05:54,168
To my surviving Homers,
143
00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:56,413
I leave you $10,000
144
00:05:56,431 --> 00:05:59,082
-that I never told you about...
-(giggles)
145
00:05:59,101 --> 00:06:00,767
-Oh!
-Huh?
-Yeah?
146
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:03,177
...but then I lost it all
to a scam.
147
00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:04,771
So, because I'm a moron,
148
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,681
I leave you nothing.
149
00:06:06,775 --> 00:06:08,700
ALL:
D'oh!
150
00:06:08,852 --> 00:06:10,443
Ten thousand dollars!
151
00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:12,537
(exhales)
That dream again?
152
00:06:12,689 --> 00:06:15,207
The money's gone, gone.
153
00:06:15,358 --> 00:06:18,860
But how can you miss money
you never knew you had?
154
00:06:18,954 --> 00:06:21,380
That's the worst part:
to find out got money,
155
00:06:21,531 --> 00:06:23,790
but you lost money,
so you have it,
156
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,108
but you don't have it.
157
00:06:25,201 --> 00:06:27,386
Oh, it's giving me whipcash.
158
00:06:27,537 --> 00:06:29,779
(whimpers, grunts)
159
00:06:31,116 --> 00:06:33,950
Just think of all the ways
my life could have been better
160
00:06:33,952 --> 00:06:36,395
with that ten grand.
161
00:06:43,812 --> 00:06:45,362
(moans): Oh.
162
00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:50,817
So, uh, we're asking each family
to chip in $50
163
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:53,136
for a new
fundraising thermometer.
164
00:06:53,229 --> 00:06:56,415
Oh, yeah, 50 bucks--
I would totally donate that
165
00:06:56,566 --> 00:06:57,732
if my father hadn't
166
00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,977
given away $10,000!
167
00:07:00,996 --> 00:07:03,588
Um, it's just
a suggested amount.
168
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:07,317
Sure, ten grand might not
sound like much to you teachers,
169
00:07:07,410 --> 00:07:09,911
but I choose inheriting $10,000
170
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:12,989
over earning a million.
171
00:07:12,991 --> 00:07:14,582
And all of you
would do the same!
172
00:07:14,676 --> 00:07:16,342
Homer, not here.
173
00:07:16,437 --> 00:07:18,845
Because generational wealth
is the purest,
174
00:07:18,997 --> 00:07:21,014
most sacred kind of money
there is.
175
00:07:21,166 --> 00:07:23,942
But my father fell for
some super-obvious scam
176
00:07:24,169 --> 00:07:26,186
because his brain is made of
177
00:07:26,338 --> 00:07:28,763
powdered mashed potatoes.
178
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:32,659
So, no, I will not be donating.
179
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:34,953
(huffs)
180
00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:38,348
-Oh...
-Marge, if I may, I-I dealt with
a similar situation
181
00:07:38,366 --> 00:07:40,274
with my mother.
She got a phone call
182
00:07:40,352 --> 00:07:42,352
claiming punk rockers were
threatening to cut my hair
183
00:07:42,370 --> 00:07:45,038
into a Mohawk, which is
a distinctive hairstyle...
184
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:46,356
I know what it is.
185
00:07:46,449 --> 00:07:48,525
This place got us through it.
186
00:07:48,543 --> 00:07:50,193
Hmm.
187
00:07:50,212 --> 00:07:52,362
This could be just what we need.
188
00:07:52,380 --> 00:07:54,214
Oh, uh, sorry,
that's not for you to keep.
189
00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:56,683
I don't get
many business cards.
190
00:07:58,479 --> 00:08:01,646
Group therapy? In my day,
we dealt with horrible shame
191
00:08:01,798 --> 00:08:04,708
by getting blind drunk,
stumbling into a hobo camp
192
00:08:04,801 --> 00:08:06,209
and fighting their king.
193
00:08:06,228 --> 00:08:08,636
Sometimes it worked,
sometimes it didn't.
194
00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:09,988
Just give it a try, Abe.
195
00:08:10,139 --> 00:08:13,033
It'll help to know
that you're not alone.
196
00:08:14,386 --> 00:08:16,236
(chuckles)
Nice, Marge.
197
00:08:16,388 --> 00:08:18,663
Making Dad sit through
a pathetic sob-fest
198
00:08:18,815 --> 00:08:22,149
with his fellow losers
is the perfect punishment.
199
00:08:22,227 --> 00:08:24,461
There's a group for you, too.
200
00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:29,824
I... (grunts) wish I never voted
to build this community center.
201
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:31,009
(Marge grunts)
202
00:08:31,236 --> 00:08:33,903
(sighs) I should have known
mortgage lenders
203
00:08:33,922 --> 00:08:35,905
don't take
Applebee's gift cards.
204
00:08:35,924 --> 00:08:38,258
He said if I didn't wire
the money to the power company,
205
00:08:38,410 --> 00:08:40,668
they'd shut off my electricity.
206
00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:43,004
I am the power company.
207
00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:44,247
Catfished.
Ooh!
208
00:08:44,266 --> 00:08:46,358
Now it seems so obvious
209
00:08:46,509 --> 00:08:49,176
that I would never meet
the real Melissa Joan Hart
210
00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:51,421
in a online billiards forum.
211
00:08:51,439 --> 00:08:54,424
These criminals
target the good in all of us,
212
00:08:54,442 --> 00:08:56,609
so the first step
is to take a deep breath
213
00:08:56,762 --> 00:08:58,928
and forgive ourselves.
214
00:08:58,947 --> 00:09:02,615
(all inhale, exhale)
215
00:09:02,768 --> 00:09:06,378
My mother paid hackers to return
her stolen computer photos.
216
00:09:06,605 --> 00:09:08,713
(groans) They weren't gone.
They were backed up
217
00:09:08,865 --> 00:09:11,608
to the cloud, Dropbox,
Time Machine--
218
00:09:11,701 --> 00:09:13,610
things of that nature.
219
00:09:13,628 --> 00:09:16,871
Now, these are the things you
should never say to a victim.
220
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,965
"I would never
have fallen for that,"
221
00:09:19,117 --> 00:09:21,618
"Everyone knows
about that scam,"
222
00:09:21,711 --> 00:09:23,803
and "What were you thinking?"
223
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,880
I would have never
fallen for that!
224
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,732
Everyone knows about that scam!
225
00:09:27,959 --> 00:09:29,809
What were you thinking?!
226
00:09:29,961 --> 00:09:31,311
No, it wasn't my fault.
227
00:09:31,463 --> 00:09:34,055
This group taught me
not to feel shame.
228
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:37,150
I'm on a path of healing
and self-empowerment.
229
00:09:37,302 --> 00:09:39,135
You better not be.
230
00:09:39,228 --> 00:09:42,247
Now, what do we say
to shamers like him?
231
00:09:42,398 --> 00:09:44,565
ALL:
Shaming is blaming.
232
00:09:44,659 --> 00:09:47,419
Yes, 100% agree!
233
00:09:49,648 --> 00:09:51,256
(grunts)
234
00:09:51,483 --> 00:09:53,499
How could you treat
Grampa like that?
235
00:09:53,594 --> 00:09:55,927
You think you're so smart.
Do you really think
236
00:09:56,154 --> 00:09:58,579
the same thing
wouldn't have happened to you?
237
00:09:58,673 --> 00:10:00,006
Me? Impossible.
238
00:10:00,158 --> 00:10:02,008
I'm too savvy.
239
00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:04,769
This savvy!
See?
240
00:10:04,996 --> 00:10:08,014
Dad, anyone can get scammed.
Even me.
241
00:10:08,166 --> 00:10:10,108
I paid the bullies
for wedgie insurance.
242
00:10:10,259 --> 00:10:12,335
But the minute
I got a wedgie, bam!
243
00:10:12,428 --> 00:10:14,687
I got hit with a deductible--
another wedgie!
244
00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:16,281
And my rates went up.
245
00:10:16,432 --> 00:10:19,433
That's why I never get
any insurance.
246
00:10:19,486 --> 00:10:21,119
I got an email
saying I qualified
247
00:10:21,196 --> 00:10:23,179
for the Saxophone
Junior Olympics,
248
00:10:23,198 --> 00:10:26,107
but when I clicked the link,
they hacked my phone
249
00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:29,777
and stole
my Audible listener credits.
250
00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:31,020
(laughs)
251
00:10:31,039 --> 00:10:33,873
You clicked the link?
(laughing)
252
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:37,785
That's so...
Who clicks the link?
253
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,712
Even children are being scammed?
254
00:10:39,865 --> 00:10:42,548
Well, maybe there's a few more
bad apples than I thought.
255
00:10:42,701 --> 00:10:47,128
But I still have to believe
the barrel is mostly good.
256
00:10:47,222 --> 00:10:49,630
Oh, Marge, how I envy
your sweet innocence.
257
00:10:49,724 --> 00:10:53,818
The world is a blender full
of sharks set on extra teeth.
258
00:10:54,045 --> 00:10:56,713
So you got to be like me--
always on guard
259
00:10:56,806 --> 00:10:59,974
-so you're never a sucker.
-(doorbell rings)
260
00:11:00,068 --> 00:11:02,309
Delivery for Homer Simpson.
261
00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:03,978
Why'd you buy all these knives?
262
00:11:04,072 --> 00:11:06,890
They're not knives.
They're the future of cutlery.
263
00:11:06,983 --> 00:11:08,574
Put 'em in the garage
with the others.
264
00:11:08,669 --> 00:11:09,542
Others?
265
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:13,004
-(gasps)
-Cutlife is a famous
266
00:11:13,156 --> 00:11:15,322
multi-level marketing company.
267
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:18,510
Dad, you fell
for a pyramid scheme.
268
00:11:18,737 --> 00:11:20,679
Scheme? No way.
269
00:11:20,906 --> 00:11:22,405
They didn't even
want to let me join.
270
00:11:22,498 --> 00:11:25,425
But, luckily, at the last
minute, a space opened up.
271
00:11:25,519 --> 00:11:27,668
How many knives
have you even sold?
272
00:11:27,746 --> 00:11:30,021
(laughs)
I don't sell them.
273
00:11:30,248 --> 00:11:31,764
I engage opportunity handlers
274
00:11:31,858 --> 00:11:33,933
to distributize them for me,
275
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:36,177
the expandibution manager.
276
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,512
It's all
part of Charles E. Cutlife's
277
00:11:38,532 --> 00:11:41,199
three-dimensional
triangle system.
278
00:11:41,350 --> 00:11:43,109
-Look!
-BART: Why can't Dad
279
00:11:43,261 --> 00:11:45,036
ever get arrested in a suit?
280
00:11:45,263 --> 00:11:46,763
Face it, genius:
281
00:11:46,856 --> 00:11:50,357
you got scammed.
282
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:53,211
(sobs)
She's right. Everyone's right.
283
00:11:53,438 --> 00:11:56,214
Don't look at my gullible face!
(sobs)
284
00:11:57,050 --> 00:12:00,034
And so I consign to the flames
285
00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:02,628
a monument to my own stupidity.
286
00:12:02,781 --> 00:12:03,680
-No!
-(grunts)
287
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:09,561
Now, isn't there someone
you need to apologize to?
288
00:12:09,712 --> 00:12:11,045
Maybe your father?
289
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,379
Yeah, you're right.
290
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:15,475
I said such horrible things
to him.
291
00:12:15,627 --> 00:12:16,693
(gasps)
292
00:12:17,979 --> 00:12:19,796
All that time
I was yelling at you,
293
00:12:19,889 --> 00:12:21,740
it turns out I'm a sucker, too.
294
00:12:21,891 --> 00:12:23,299
Will you forgive me, Dad?
295
00:12:23,392 --> 00:12:25,301
Of course, son.
Hopefully, we've all
296
00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:28,062
come out of this
a little more savvy.
297
00:12:28,139 --> 00:12:29,748
(phone rings)
298
00:12:29,975 --> 00:12:32,417
Hello?
Yes, this is a grandparent
299
00:12:32,644 --> 00:12:36,145
of a boy or girl. Sure,
put him or her on the phone.
300
00:12:36,164 --> 00:12:38,648
No!
Lisa's in jail!
301
00:12:38,783 --> 00:12:41,334
Grampa, they're trying
to trick you again.
302
00:12:41,486 --> 00:12:43,336
(gasps)
It's the same swindler.
303
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:45,597
He must think
I'm greedy for more.
304
00:12:45,673 --> 00:12:47,015
(gasps)
I got an idea.
305
00:12:48,660 --> 00:12:51,511
Grampa, you got to keep talking
so that guy stays on the phone.
306
00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:52,920
Keep talking?
307
00:12:53,014 --> 00:12:54,680
I've been preparing
for this moment
308
00:12:54,833 --> 00:12:56,274
my entire life.
309
00:12:56,425 --> 00:12:58,092
MAN:
Sir, look, if you don't
310
00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:00,094
put up that bail money,
your granddaughter
311
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,021
will be spending the night
in the cooler.
312
00:13:02,173 --> 00:13:04,765
-(crack)
-In my day, we didn't have
fancy coolers,
313
00:13:04,785 --> 00:13:07,952
so everyone took turns blowing
on the meat to keep it fresh,
314
00:13:08,179 --> 00:13:11,180
unless you hired a Dutch family
to blow on your food for you.
315
00:13:11,199 --> 00:13:14,417
Breezies is what you'd call 'em.
316
00:13:15,796 --> 00:13:17,962
(snoring)
317
00:13:19,615 --> 00:13:21,040
(high-pitched gibberish plays,
stops)
318
00:13:21,209 --> 00:13:22,708
MAN:
Sir, if you could just
319
00:13:22,861 --> 00:13:24,969
give us your bank information...
320
00:13:25,121 --> 00:13:27,454
GRAMPA:
It was quite the scandal
when a breezy
321
00:13:27,532 --> 00:13:30,383
married a smusher--
those were the fellas you hired
322
00:13:30,535 --> 00:13:33,202
to flatten your sandwiches
by sitting on 'em--
323
00:13:33,296 --> 00:13:36,097
and the whole town came out
to throw tar...
324
00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:38,966
Wow, that's some
quality prattle.
325
00:13:39,060 --> 00:13:41,060
Okay, I've run all three hours
of the call
326
00:13:41,212 --> 00:13:42,821
through open-source
audio software,
327
00:13:42,972 --> 00:13:44,489
and the unique pattern
of church bells
328
00:13:44,658 --> 00:13:48,493
and roller-coaster screams
pins the location to...
329
00:13:49,737 --> 00:13:53,072
...ladies and gentlemen,
the address of the scammer.
330
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,150
Whoa, we could
get the money back.
331
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,077
It's not about the money.
332
00:13:58,229 --> 00:14:00,913
I want to show that bad guy
the face of the old man
333
00:14:01,066 --> 00:14:04,067
whose love and decency
he exploited.
334
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:06,660
Oh, honey, you have
a beautiful heart.
335
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:07,920
But make no mistake--
336
00:14:08,089 --> 00:14:10,723
it is about the money!
337
00:14:22,587 --> 00:14:24,279
♪ ♪
338
00:14:29,761 --> 00:14:32,019
Kids, today you're gonna
learn an important lesson:
339
00:14:32,113 --> 00:14:34,688
sometimes the sheep
get back their wool.
340
00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:37,375
(scoffs) No, they don't.
They just grow more wool.
341
00:14:37,602 --> 00:14:39,878
What are you, a shepherd?
Come on, Dad.
342
00:14:40,105 --> 00:14:41,963
Let's go get
my eventual money back.
343
00:14:43,532 --> 00:14:45,199
How are we gonna
get past the guard?
344
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:47,126
Aw, don't worry about that.
345
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:50,263
My friends can get us in.
346
00:14:52,450 --> 00:14:54,559
That's the surgical precision
you only get
347
00:14:54,710 --> 00:14:56,728
from the finest Idaho steel.
348
00:14:56,955 --> 00:14:59,789
Amazing.
I'll take the full set.
349
00:14:59,882 --> 00:15:01,641
Oh, you're not
buying the knives.
350
00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:03,142
I could sell them?
351
00:15:03,294 --> 00:15:06,479
No, you can sell other people
on selling them.
352
00:15:06,631 --> 00:15:10,224
These knives sell
selling themselves themselves.
353
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:12,969
This is the opportunity
of a lifetime!
354
00:15:13,062 --> 00:15:16,456
I'm gonna go tell my pregnant
wife about my new career.
355
00:15:17,733 --> 00:15:20,084
Okay, Grampa,
we're gonna find that bad guy
356
00:15:20,311 --> 00:15:22,587
and get you some justice.
357
00:15:22,738 --> 00:15:25,757
(low overlapping chatter)
358
00:15:25,984 --> 00:15:27,592
Uh, which one's the scammer?
359
00:15:27,669 --> 00:15:29,819
They're all the scammer.
360
00:15:29,837 --> 00:15:31,912
The IRS tax police
are on their way to your home,
361
00:15:31,932 --> 00:15:34,915
but we'll accept immediate
payment in Fortnite V-bucks.
362
00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:37,435
Oh, your Airbnb
is all ready to go, there.
363
00:15:37,662 --> 00:15:39,512
I'm fluffing the towels
right now.
364
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:41,105
Fluff, fluff.
365
00:15:41,257 --> 00:15:42,832
There's so many of them.
366
00:15:42,925 --> 00:15:43,924
(clears throat)
367
00:15:44,002 --> 00:15:46,852
You are all
in an unethical industry
368
00:15:46,947 --> 00:15:49,322
and we have called
the authorities.
369
00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:52,358
(panting)
Oh, man.
370
00:15:52,510 --> 00:15:55,194
Another boiler room
of phone hucksters.
371
00:15:55,363 --> 00:15:57,530
All right, scambags,
you know the drill:
372
00:15:57,682 --> 00:16:01,584
you don't got to go home,
but you can't grift here.
373
00:16:04,038 --> 00:16:06,631
-Come on.
-What?
-Really?
374
00:16:08,284 --> 00:16:10,526
Aren't you going to arrest them?
375
00:16:10,619 --> 00:16:12,303
Marge, you shut down
one of these,
376
00:16:12,455 --> 00:16:14,621
five more
pop up in its place.
377
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,975
Phone fraud and
Halloween costumes for pets
378
00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:19,702
are America's
only growth industries.
379
00:16:19,795 --> 00:16:22,963
So they're just employees
doing this for a paycheck?
380
00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:25,057
I wish we got paid in money.
381
00:16:25,134 --> 00:16:27,727
All we get is minimum wage
and gift cards.
382
00:16:27,821 --> 00:16:29,895
-Do you have my dad's money?
-No.
383
00:16:30,048 --> 00:16:31,881
-Do you have my money?
-Nope.
384
00:16:31,899 --> 00:16:33,474
Can I have $10,000?
385
00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,142
BART'S VOICE:
Not gonna happen, dude.
386
00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:37,069
Hey, you sound familiar.
387
00:16:37,163 --> 00:16:38,997
Don't have a cow, man.
388
00:16:40,058 --> 00:16:42,649
Is this what
we wanted to happen?
389
00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:46,762
Okay, I know this seems bad,
but... but, uh...
390
00:16:46,781 --> 00:16:50,399
Oh, come on, Mom, you always
see the good in everything.
391
00:16:50,401 --> 00:16:53,085
Well, on the bright side,
392
00:16:53,238 --> 00:16:55,829
if you look at it
a certain way...
393
00:16:55,998 --> 00:16:57,423
there is no bright side!
394
00:16:57,575 --> 00:17:00,259
The whole world is one big
criminal organization!
395
00:17:00,411 --> 00:17:04,004
From hedge funds to payday loans
to the NCAA,
396
00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:05,915
it's not just a few bad apples--
397
00:17:05,933 --> 00:17:08,434
it's the whole orchard
that's rotten!
398
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:09,861
(grunts)
399
00:17:10,012 --> 00:17:11,678
Whoa, gift cards!
400
00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:12,938
Justice wasn't served,
401
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:15,575
but dinner is.
402
00:17:17,019 --> 00:17:19,186
(groans)
I can't believe we ate
403
00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:21,931
$500 worth of appetizers.
404
00:17:21,949 --> 00:17:25,284
Revenge sliders
dipped in payback sauce.
405
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:26,544
Mmm.
406
00:17:26,695 --> 00:17:28,713
Honey, you're not
sweating from overeating.
407
00:17:28,864 --> 00:17:30,531
What's wrong?
408
00:17:30,625 --> 00:17:34,443
These gift cards were obtained
by scamming innocent people.
409
00:17:34,462 --> 00:17:36,203
So no, thank you.
410
00:17:36,297 --> 00:17:37,630
You said it yourself--
411
00:17:37,782 --> 00:17:40,374
everyone in the world
is ripping off everyone else.
412
00:17:40,468 --> 00:17:42,894
Why shouldn't we wet our beaks?
413
00:17:43,045 --> 00:17:45,879
Oh, you got to try
these fried beaks.
414
00:17:45,973 --> 00:17:48,457
Dip the beak!
Dip the beak!
415
00:17:48,476 --> 00:17:50,810
Well, it seems like
no one else has a problem
416
00:17:50,904 --> 00:17:53,696
gorging on
ill-gotten appetizers.
417
00:17:54,908 --> 00:17:56,991
Beak me.
418
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:04,999
(munching)
419
00:18:05,827 --> 00:18:08,144
With that deep-fried morsel,
420
00:18:08,162 --> 00:18:11,163
my victory is complete.
421
00:18:11,316 --> 00:18:13,149
Uh, we're all seeing
422
00:18:13,167 --> 00:18:15,927
the freak in the sandals, right?
(burps)
423
00:18:16,078 --> 00:18:18,745
Yes, but this can't be real.
424
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:22,675
We probably just ate too many
wasabi mac and cheese balls.
425
00:18:22,844 --> 00:18:24,660
Silence, you mewling wretches,
426
00:18:24,753 --> 00:18:28,164
for I am Loki, god of mischief.
427
00:18:28,257 --> 00:18:30,666
But I am known by many names
428
00:18:30,759 --> 00:18:32,693
and take many forms.
429
00:18:35,006 --> 00:18:37,189
Buy crypto, suckers!
430
00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:39,358
And my handiwork of deception
431
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:42,528
is woven into the fabric
of the universe.
432
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:44,847
From the Ticketmaster
convenience fee
433
00:18:44,940 --> 00:18:47,291
to the NCAA.
434
00:18:47,443 --> 00:18:50,611
Oh, lord of appetizers,
I kneel before you.
435
00:18:50,705 --> 00:18:54,357
Who shall I smother with ranch
in your name?
436
00:18:54,450 --> 00:18:58,194
Well, Loki, you've already
taken an old man's life savings.
437
00:18:58,212 --> 00:18:59,862
What more do you want?
438
00:18:59,881 --> 00:19:02,140
I have come here to...
439
00:19:02,367 --> 00:19:03,457
'Zerz...
440
00:19:03,551 --> 00:19:05,125
to take my prize:
441
00:19:05,219 --> 00:19:08,371
an honest woman's belief
in the good of mankind.
442
00:19:08,389 --> 00:19:11,390
And now, as the old laws demand,
443
00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:14,877
I must bestow
upon the vanquished a kiss.
444
00:19:14,896 --> 00:19:16,154
Mwah.
445
00:19:16,381 --> 00:19:18,731
Ha-ha!
There are no old laws.
446
00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:20,974
God of mischief does it again!
447
00:19:20,994 --> 00:19:23,219
Now, off to add
more blackout dates
448
00:19:23,237 --> 00:19:25,830
to Disneyland annual passes.
449
00:19:25,981 --> 00:19:29,408
(giggles)
450
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:31,294
Suckers.
451
00:19:32,154 --> 00:19:33,838
Whoa, that was weird.
452
00:19:34,065 --> 00:19:35,965
Should we get the rest to go?
453
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:39,826
Excuse me, I'm out of gas
454
00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:41,495
and left my wallet at home.
455
00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:42,996
Would you lend me $20?
456
00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:44,998
I'll mail it back to you,
I promise.
457
00:19:45,092 --> 00:19:47,834
Uh, I'm sorry,
but that is an obvious scam.
458
00:19:47,929 --> 00:19:49,503
Uh, go find another sucker.
459
00:19:49,597 --> 00:19:52,081
Is this it-- from now on,
I live in a world
460
00:19:52,099 --> 00:19:55,084
where nobody trusts anybody?
461
00:19:55,102 --> 00:19:56,843
No, not me.
462
00:19:56,938 --> 00:19:59,513
Here's $20 and my address.
463
00:19:59,607 --> 00:20:02,533
I trust that
you'll mail me the money.
464
00:20:10,451 --> 00:20:12,001
(sighs)
465
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:17,030
(gasps)
I knew it!
466
00:20:17,124 --> 00:20:18,290
Maybe you're right, baby.
467
00:20:18,443 --> 00:20:21,110
There still are some
good people out there.
468
00:20:21,128 --> 00:20:24,347
In your face, god of scams!
469
00:20:27,952 --> 00:20:29,285
(whistles tune)
470
00:20:29,378 --> 00:20:32,063
Well, I'm out another 20 bucks,
471
00:20:32,214 --> 00:20:35,048
but I gave them
something to believe in.
472
00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:37,810
(laughs)
Suckers.
473
00:20:37,962 --> 00:20:39,979
Captioning sponsored by
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474
00:20:40,131 --> 00:20:41,981
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
475
00:20:42,133 --> 00:20:43,816
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
476
00:20:43,968 --> 00:20:46,285
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
477
00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:53,142
Your Social Security number
has been compromised.
478
00:20:53,235 --> 00:20:53,918
Please give us
your Social Security number
479
00:20:54,069 --> 00:20:56,069
so we can keep it safe.
480
00:20:57,072 --> 00:20:59,924
I met my billionaire boyfriend
on Billionaire Match.
481
00:21:00,075 --> 00:21:01,575
Match with billions
of billionaires
482
00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:04,011
for only $4.95 a month.
483
00:21:05,581 --> 00:21:08,549
If you or your family have used
toilet paper in the last year,
484
00:21:08,659 --> 00:21:12,019
you can join us
in a class action lawsuit.
485
00:21:13,255 --> 00:21:15,514
We have found
nude photos of you.
486
00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:17,758
If you want these removed
and/or touched up,
487
00:21:17,852 --> 00:21:19,852
please press 1 now.
488
00:21:21,022 --> 00:21:23,856
This is Jerry
down at whatever bank you use.
489
00:21:24,008 --> 00:21:25,616
We lost your PIN number.
490
00:21:25,768 --> 00:21:27,743
Can you send it to us?
491
00:21:29,514 --> 00:21:30,997
Shh!