1
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The Simpsons.

2
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Open wide for some soccer!

3
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The Continental Soccer
Association...

4
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is coming to Springfield!

5
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It's all here, fast kicking, low scoring.

6
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And ties? You bet!

7
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Hey, Dad, how come you've never
taken us to see a soccer game?

8
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I don't know.

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You'll see all your favorite
soccer stars...

10
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like Ariaga, Ariaga II...

11
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Bariaga, Aruglia, and Pizzoza!

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Oh, I never heard of those people.

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- And they'll all be signing autographs!
- Whoo-hoo!

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This match will determine
once and for all,

15
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which nation is the greatest on Earth,
Mexico or Portugal!

16
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Can we go, Dad?
Please, Dad? Please, Dad? Can we go?

17
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- Huh? Huh? Please?
- Yes! Yes! Oh, God, yes!

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Oh, I'll kill myself
if Portugal doesn't win.

19
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It's hard to believe this used
to be an internment camp.

20
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Yo, paella man, wing one up here!

21
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Hey, look, it's Pelé!

22
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Pelé is king of the soccer field.

23
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To be king of your kitchen,
use Crestfield Wax Paper.

24
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Kick it over here!

25
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Boring!

26
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Come on, you schnorrers! Do something!

27
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Halfback passes to the center.

28
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Back to the wing.

29
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Back to the center.

30
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Center holds it.

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Holds it.

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Holds it.

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Halfback passes to center! Back to wing!

34
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Back to center! Center holds it!
Holds it! Holds it!

35
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I can't bear this any longer. I'm leaving!

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Yeah, not before me you ain't.

37
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Now, now, there's plenty
of exits for everyone.

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Oh, that's it. You're dead, pal!

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- Hey, now, that's uncalled for.
- Shut your hole, Skinner!

40
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You call this a soccer riot?

41
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- Come on, boys. Let's take 'em to school!
- Oi! Oi! Oi!

42
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Homer, we've got to get out of here!

43
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Oh! But I wanna do some rioting.

44
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- Jobbers cobknots, ya mucker!
- All done.

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What began as a traditional soccer riot...

46
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has escalated into a citywide
orgy of destruction.

47
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Reacting swiftly, Mayor Quimby
has declared mob rule.

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So for the next several years,
it's every family for itself!

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Ex-Ex-Excuse me, sir.

50
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I think you've got my TV. Sir?

51
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Somebody's gotta stop them!

52
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Let's wait until
they burn the school down.

53
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Oh, my God!
Homer, they're right next door.

54
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Relax, Marge.

55
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If someone tries to get in here,

56
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my burglar alarm will let us know.

57
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Watch the fish, Marge.

58
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Looks like you called me just in time.

59
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- This home isn't secure at all.
- What did I tell you, Marge?

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Intruders could come in down the chimney,
through the mail slot...

61
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even hidden in your groceries.

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Did you change the locks
when you moved in? I thought not.

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All the previous owners of this house
could still be in here somewhere.

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What do you recommend?

65
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Well, a lot of companies would
put in a pretty system that looks good...

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but doesn't provide any real protection.

67
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Oh, let's get that!

68
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But if you really wanna sleep
easy at night,

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I recommend sealing off every door
and window with bulletproof Lucite.

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Wouldn't we all suffocate?

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- Well, I should hope not.
- Let's get that, the suffocation thing.

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And you can have it all for just $500.

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$500? Aw, forget it.

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But surely you can't put
a price on your family's lives.

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I wouldn't have thought so
either, but here we are.

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Homer, we need something
to protect this family.

77
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I couldn't agree more, Marjorie.

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You deserve peace of mind...

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and peace of mind is what you shall have.

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I'd like to buy
your deadliest gun, please.

81
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Aisle 6, next to the sympathy cards.

82
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Whoa!

83
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- Careful there, Annie Oakley.
- I don't have to be careful. I got a gun.

84
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Well, you'll probably want
the accessory kit.

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- Holster.
- Oh, yeah.

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- Bandolier.
- Baby.

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Silencer.

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Loudener.

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- Speed-cocker.
- Ooh! I like the sound of that.

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And this is for shooting down
police helicopters.

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Oh, I don't need
anything like that... yet.

92
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- Just give me my gun.
- Sorry. The law requires

93
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a five-day waiting period.

94
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We've got to run a background check.

95
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Five days? But I'm mad now!

96
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I'd kill you if I had my gun!

97
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Yeah, well, you don't.

98
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Lousy big shot. Thinks he's so big 'cause
he's got a lot of guns.

99
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If he didn't have any guns,
I'd show him a thing or two.

100
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What happens when he walks into my store?

101
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Then we'll see who's worried
about five-day waiting periods.

102
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Dad, it's 3:00 a.m.!

103
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Can't you mutter in your room?

104
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Marge kicked me out.

105
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All right. Go ahead.

106
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Pushy kids think they can tell
me what to do in my house.

107
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I tell you, parents these days,
they don't know how to rear children.

108
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Oh! How am I supposed to last five days
without shooting something?

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The waiting is the hardest part.

110
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Every day you get one more yard.

111
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You take it on faith,
you take it to the heart.

112
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The waiting is the hardest part.

113
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The waiting is the hardest.

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Part.

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Come on! Come on!

116
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Open up!

117
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Ah, that's the stuff.

118
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Now, I believe you have
some sort of firearm for me.

119
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Well, let's see here.

120
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According to your background check,
you've been in a mental institution.

121
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- Yeah.
- Frequent problems with alcohol.

122
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- Yeah.
- You beat up President Bush.

123
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Former president.

124
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- "Potentially dangerous"?
- Relax.

125
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That just limits you to three
handguns or less.

126
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Whoo-hoo!

127
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Close your eyes, Marge.

128
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I've got a surprise for you.

129
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OK, open your eyes.

130
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It's a handgun. Isn't it great?

131
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This is the trigger,

132
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and this is the thing you point
at whatever you want to die.

133
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Homer, I don't want guns in my house!

134
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Don't you remember
when Maggie shot Mr. Burns?

135
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I thought Smithers did it.

136
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That would have made a lot more sense.

137
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Hey, Dad, can I borrow the gun tomorrow?

138
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I wanna scare that old
security guard at the bank.

139
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Only if you clean your room.

140
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No! No one's using this gun.

141
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The TV said you're 58% more likely

142
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to shoot a family member
than an intruder.

143
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TV said that?

144
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But I have to have a gun.
It's in the Constitution.

145
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Dad, the Second Amendment
is just a remnant from revolutionary days.

146
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It has no meaning today.

147
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You couldn't be more wrong, Lisa.

148
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If I didn't have this gun,
the King of England...

149
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could just walk in here anytime
he wants and start shoving you around.

150
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Do you want that? Huh?

151
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- Do you?
- No.

152
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- All right, then.
- I'm sorry, Homer. No weapons.

153
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A gun is not a weapon, Marge!

154
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It's a tool, like a butcher knife
or a harpoon...

155
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or, uh, an alligator.

156
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You just need more
education on the subject.

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Tell you what. You come with me to
an N.R.A. meeting,

158
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and if you still don't think
guns are great, we'll argue some more.

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Assault weapons have gotten
a lot of bad press lately...

160
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but they're manufactured for a reason...

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To take out today's
modern super animals...

162
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such as the flying squirrel
and the electric eel.

163
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Learning something, Marge?

164
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Uh, hi. I'm Moe S.

165
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Hi, Moe!

166
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Yeah, so last night,
I was closing up the bar

167
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when some young punk comes in
and tries to stick me up.

168
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Whatever did you do, Moe?

169
00:10:39,096 --> 00:10:41,307
Well, it could've been
a real ugly situation...

170
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but I managed to shoot him in the spine.

171
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Yeah, I guess the next place
he robs better have a ramp.

172
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Hi. I'm Homer S.

173
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- Hi, Homer!
- Hi.

174
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It seems to me if a gun can
protect something as important as a bar...

175
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it's good enough to protect my family.

176
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So if you'll have me,
I would like to become...

177
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a lifetime member
of your wonderful organization.

178
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Homer, you can't join up
with these gun nuts.

179
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Oh, come on. Be fair, Marge.

180
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For once in your life, be fair!

181
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- Sorry!
- My fault.

182
00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:52,461
Don't shoot. Just take the money
and get out.

183
00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:55,423
What? Oh, Apu, I would never...

184
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Or would I?

185
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I've already gone this far.

186
00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:03,723
I wonder what my life would be like if
I robbed the Kwik-E-Mart.

187
00:12:11,897 --> 00:12:15,401
I'll do it. I'll rob the Kwik-E-Mart.

188
00:12:15,484 --> 00:12:17,445
All right, put your... D'oh!

189
00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:19,864
Oh, well, I'll rob it next time.

190
00:12:24,201 --> 00:12:26,579
Can you help me get my ball
down from the roof, Dad?

191
00:12:26,662 --> 00:12:28,497
Sure thing, honey.

192
00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:36,464
- You want me to get the cat down?
- No, thanks.

193
00:12:36,547 --> 00:12:37,548
Pull!

194
00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:42,178
Missed one, Dad.

195
00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:48,768
See you in Hell, dinner plate.

196
00:12:54,565 --> 00:12:57,109
Does anyone know where
all my dinner plates went?

197
00:12:57,193 --> 00:12:59,820
You probably left 'em at work.

198
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:01,197
On another topic,

199
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:04,909
guess who was picked to host
the next N.R.A. get-together?

200
00:13:06,035 --> 00:13:09,413
Homer, I told you this morning,
no guns at the dinner table.

201
00:13:09,497 --> 00:13:11,040
You said the breakfast table.

202
00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:13,334
It's the same table!

203
00:13:13,417 --> 00:13:15,795
Listen, if it'll make you feel any better,

204
00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:18,130
I'll put the safety on.

205
00:13:19,924 --> 00:13:21,884
Whoops! Guess it was already on.

206
00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:28,891
Uh, I'd better just put it down.

207
00:13:32,561 --> 00:13:34,688
No offense, Mom, but that was pretty cool.

208
00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:40,486
Homer, I think you'd agree that
I've put up with a lot in this marriage.

209
00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:48,828
But this is the first time
since we've been married

210
00:13:48,911 --> 00:13:52,122
that I've actually feared for our lives.

211
00:13:52,206 --> 00:13:57,545
So I'm asking you, if you really care
about me and the children...

212
00:13:57,628 --> 00:14:00,714
please, please get rid of the gun.

213
00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:11,350
All right, Marge. I'll do it for you.

214
00:14:13,769 --> 00:14:15,688
I'm a lucky woman.

215
00:14:15,771 --> 00:14:18,566
And I'm a wonderful man.

216
00:14:18,649 --> 00:14:22,736
Aw! I don't feel them.

217
00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:26,740
You said there'd be "Fudgeicles," Bart.
Where's the "Fudgeicles"?

218
00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:29,243
First, it's Fudgsicle.

219
00:14:29,326 --> 00:14:32,121
And I know they're up here.
I just need a better foothold.

220
00:14:33,622 --> 00:14:35,749
Hello!

221
00:14:35,833 --> 00:14:39,879
And the next marksman is
William Tell, Jr.!

222
00:14:39,962 --> 00:14:41,005
Jinx!

223
00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:44,508
Bart!

224
00:14:45,384 --> 00:14:47,636
Oh, I see Bart gets to have a gun.

225
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,638
You lied to me!

226
00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:52,391
You promised to get rid of this gun.

227
00:14:52,474 --> 00:14:54,518
I put it in a safe place, Marge.

228
00:14:54,602 --> 00:14:58,522
I mean, what are the odds the boy
would look in the vegetable crisper?

229
00:14:58,606 --> 00:15:00,774
How could you?

230
00:15:00,858 --> 00:15:03,986
Of all the terrible things
you've ever done in your life,

231
00:15:04,069 --> 00:15:05,863
this is the worst...

232
00:15:05,946 --> 00:15:08,157
The most despicable!

233
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:11,827
But, Marge, I swear to you,
I never thought you'd find out!

234
00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:15,789
Until you decide what's more important,

235
00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:18,125
your gun or your family,

236
00:15:18,208 --> 00:15:20,002
we can't live in the same house.

237
00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:21,253
Come on, kids.

238
00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:26,216
So this is the thanks I get
for protecting my family?

239
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:30,220
Then go! I'll be just fine!

240
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,601
- Do you know how to cook dinner?
- Do I?

241
00:15:46,111 --> 00:15:48,530
- I've left Homer.
- Thank God.

242
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:50,699
So we need a place to spend the night.

243
00:15:52,076 --> 00:15:55,996
Try the Sleep-Eazy Motel.
I woke up there once. Seemed nice.

244
00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:57,331
Why can't we stay here?

245
00:15:57,414 --> 00:16:00,751
Uh, we have a gentleman caller.

246
00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:04,296
Hey, this TV's not broken.
It's just unplugged. What the-

247
00:16:07,841 --> 00:16:09,885
Ooh, the gun club's gonna be
here any minute.

248
00:16:10,928 --> 00:16:12,972
They're here! They're here!

249
00:16:14,723 --> 00:16:18,560
Hiya, Homer. I brung ya a big bag of
irregular Oreos.

250
00:16:21,021 --> 00:16:24,316
I don't see what's wrong
with this one. Oh.

251
00:16:36,370 --> 00:16:38,664
Looking for a good time, sailor?

252
00:16:38,747 --> 00:16:41,542
- I certainly am.
- No, you're not!

253
00:16:41,625 --> 00:16:43,419
He's really not.

254
00:16:43,502 --> 00:16:45,713
And that's how,
with a few minor adjustments,

255
00:16:45,796 --> 00:16:48,757
you can turn a regular gun into five guns.

256
00:16:53,512 --> 00:16:56,640
Here's some more
chocolate curls, gun buddies.

257
00:16:59,393 --> 00:17:01,437
Anyone else want a beer?

258
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,565
Homer, you use your gun
as a can opener?

259
00:17:04,648 --> 00:17:06,150
I use it for everything.

260
00:17:06,233 --> 00:17:08,694
Watch me turn on the TV.

261
00:17:13,157 --> 00:17:16,243
I've never seen such recklessness!

262
00:17:17,202 --> 00:17:21,081
- You might've hurt someone!
- Are you some kind of moron?

263
00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:24,626
-Yeah, but-
-Hey, yutz. Guns aren't toys.

264
00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:28,297
They're for family protection,
hunting dangerous or delicious animals...

265
00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:30,300
and keeping the king of England
out of your face.

266
00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:36,555
Your membership card please, Homer.

267
00:17:36,638 --> 00:17:39,141
I'll also need to remove your tattoo.

268
00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:41,143
- I didn't get one yet.
- Rats.

269
00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:43,687
Now, since you're no longer a member,

270
00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:45,814
please go outside
until the meeting is over.

271
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:54,865
- Hey, we got a pool!
- Can we go swimming, Mom?

272
00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:58,786
Mmm, not right now, dear.

273
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:02,247
Wow! The TV's coin-operated.

274
00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:03,832
And so is the Bible!

275
00:18:06,293 --> 00:18:07,933
I'd like to order a wake-up call, please.

276
00:18:08,545 --> 00:18:11,673
3:00 a.m. Uh, for every room
except this one.

277
00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:13,550
That's right. Good night.

278
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:17,429
Always love
trying out new material on the road.

279
00:18:17,513 --> 00:18:20,099
No way are you gonna
beat me this time, Lise.

280
00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:22,726
Yes, I am!

281
00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:26,980
- Come on, Spotty!
- Come on, Smelly!

282
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,788
Oh! This gun cost me everything,

283
00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:44,498
my wife, my kids.

284
00:18:44,581 --> 00:18:48,085
Everything but my precious, precious gun.

285
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:54,591
This stinks. I want my family back.

286
00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:58,095
Hey, is that a camera in the ceiling?

287
00:18:58,178 --> 00:18:59,763
No. Go back to sleep.

288
00:18:59,847 --> 00:19:03,225
This bed is making me nauseous!

289
00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:05,477
Why won't it stop?

290
00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:08,897
Honey, it'll be morning soon.
Try to get some sleep.

291
00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:14,903
Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Are you planning to
stay the whole night?

292
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:16,780
- Yes!
- All right.

293
00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:19,241
Vote Quimby.

294
00:19:23,871 --> 00:19:24,997
Marge?

295
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:26,957
Sorry. Marge?

296
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,751
- Oh. Sorry. Marge?
- Vote Quimby.

297
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:32,004
- Sorry.
- Down here, Homer!

298
00:19:32,087 --> 00:19:35,966
Oh, Marge, there's so many
things I wanna yell to you!

299
00:19:36,049 --> 00:19:37,843
Come down here!

300
00:19:37,926 --> 00:19:39,845
OK!

301
00:19:39,928 --> 00:19:43,140
Oh, honey, please come home. I need you.

302
00:19:43,223 --> 00:19:45,559
It's dark in the house
and I'm hungry and lonesome...

303
00:19:45,642 --> 00:19:48,687
and there's no one there
to hear my various witty remarks.

304
00:19:48,770 --> 00:19:51,773
- What about the gun?
- It's gone for good, Marge.

305
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:55,527
I finally realized, what's the point
of having a gun for protection,

306
00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:57,863
if you've got no one to protect?

307
00:19:57,946 --> 00:20:00,073
Oh, Homie.

308
00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:05,245
Come on, kids. We're going home.

309
00:20:05,329 --> 00:20:07,331
Yea!

310
00:20:10,125 --> 00:20:12,044
Okeydoke. Here's your bill

311
00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:14,963
and your continental breakfast.

312
00:20:20,469 --> 00:20:22,471
All right, everybody, hands up!

313
00:20:22,554 --> 00:20:24,806
You, give me the cash drawer.

314
00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:27,392
Do what he says. I'm too rich to die.

315
00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:30,312
Freeze, bad guy!

316
00:20:32,439 --> 00:20:35,943
- Vote Quimby!
- OK, man. Don't shoot. Chill.

317
00:20:36,026 --> 00:20:41,198
Homer, you said you got rid of
the gun! You lied to me again!

318
00:20:41,281 --> 00:20:42,532
I know I said that,

319
00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:44,618
- but what I secretly meant was...
- Yoink!

320
00:20:46,870 --> 00:20:48,247
The joke's on you, buddy.

321
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:49,873
There's no bullets in that thing.

322
00:20:52,292 --> 00:20:54,253
Yo, give me the bullets.

323
00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:57,506
- OK. Don't shoot!
- Drop it!

324
00:21:00,550 --> 00:21:02,344
Bye!

325
00:21:02,427 --> 00:21:04,346
How did you know we were being robbed?

326
00:21:04,429 --> 00:21:06,431
The clerk here pressed
the silent alarm,

327
00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:08,183
and we picked it up on our scanner.

328
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:11,270
- Did anyone stop that robber?
- No, I don't think so.

329
00:21:14,481 --> 00:21:16,733
I'm sorry I lied to you, Marge...

330
00:21:16,817 --> 00:21:19,069
but this gun had a hold on me.

331
00:21:19,152 --> 00:21:21,613
I felt this incredible surge of power,

332
00:21:21,697 --> 00:21:24,199
like God must feel
when he's holding a gun.

333
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:26,243
So please, get rid of it,

334
00:21:26,326 --> 00:21:29,788
because I know I'll just lie
to you again and again.

335
00:22:44,196 --> 00:22:46,198
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