1 00:00:09,243 --> 00:00:11,078 ("Bolero" by Pink Martini playing) 2 00:00:41,074 --> 00:00:43,110 ♪ 3 00:00:56,957 --> 00:00:58,959 ("O Christmas Tree" playing) 4 00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:08,468 No, sweetie. That's a deadly glass ball 5 00:01:08,535 --> 00:01:10,671 that we hang where babies can get it. 6 00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:13,740 See? Deadly glass ball? 7 00:01:17,711 --> 00:01:20,080 (coughs) 8 00:01:20,147 --> 00:01:21,515 - BART: Oh! - LISA: Oh! 9 00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:23,584 (yowls) 10 00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:29,156 Huh? Todd Flanders? How'd that get on our tree? 11 00:01:29,222 --> 00:01:32,125 Christmas is no time to think about your neighbors. 12 00:01:32,192 --> 00:01:33,860 It's a very interesting story. 13 00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:37,164 A Christmas story of failing and redemption. 14 00:01:37,230 --> 00:01:39,633 Isn't that every Christmas story? 15 00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:43,136 A Christmas story of your father's failing and redemption. 16 00:01:43,203 --> 00:01:44,805 Isn't that every Homer story? 17 00:01:44,871 --> 00:01:46,807 This one also has a secret room, 18 00:01:46,873 --> 00:01:49,176 and it's set six years in the past. 19 00:01:49,242 --> 00:01:52,379 Oh, thank God it's not the horrible present. 20 00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:53,847 What year did it happen? 21 00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:55,515 Oh, you know the year. 22 00:01:55,582 --> 00:01:58,452 The Oscar went to an overrated movie that nobody remembers, 23 00:01:58,518 --> 00:02:00,253 Tom Brady won the Super Bowl 24 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:02,122 and a public figure had to apologize 25 00:02:02,189 --> 00:02:04,124 for saying something stupid. 26 00:02:04,191 --> 00:02:05,926 - Oh, that one. - That year. 27 00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:07,995 Oh, yeah. Mm‐hmm. Remember it well. 28 00:02:08,061 --> 00:02:09,796 Okay. So, Homer and I 29 00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:12,666 were going to the office Christmas party. 30 00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:15,636 GRAMPA: I had just lost my last adult tooth, 31 00:02:15,702 --> 00:02:18,605 - which they say is worth thousands. - MARGE: Grampa. 32 00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:21,008 - This is my story. - Fine. 33 00:02:21,074 --> 00:02:22,442 We were getting ready... 34 00:02:22,509 --> 00:02:25,312 Listen, before we go, I want to ask you a favor. 35 00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:27,981 Don't drink at the office party. 36 00:02:28,048 --> 00:02:30,450 But then it just becomes a meeting. 37 00:02:30,517 --> 00:02:33,687 I'm serious. I don't want you embarrassing yourself at work. 38 00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:36,289 All right. I'll just drink soda. 39 00:02:36,356 --> 00:02:39,259 - Water is healthier. - Not in this town. 40 00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:43,830 Woo‐hoo! Kids, get the hot dogs! 41 00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:46,299 Homer, that's not safe. 42 00:02:46,366 --> 00:02:48,869 (chuckles): Marge, it's natural gas. 43 00:02:52,539 --> 00:02:54,574 - ♪ - (indistinct chatter) 44 00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:03,650 Marge. Marge, Marge, Marge, Marge. 45 00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:06,486 - When will you ever settle down? - What the...? 46 00:03:06,553 --> 00:03:10,157 Hey, Marge, want to rub shoulders? 47 00:03:10,223 --> 00:03:13,093 Cover yourself up and quit hitting on my wife. 48 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:15,328 Oh, so now she's your wife. 49 00:03:15,395 --> 00:03:17,731 I've never been at a party where I'm sober 50 00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:20,233 and everyone else is drunk. This is a nightmare. 51 00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:21,601 I know how you feel, pal. 52 00:03:21,668 --> 00:03:23,503 I haven't had a drink in four years. 53 00:03:23,570 --> 00:03:25,806 You're so boring. 54 00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:28,341 He's right. I am boring. 55 00:03:30,510 --> 00:03:32,446 We should give Homer a little help 56 00:03:32,512 --> 00:03:34,548 - enjoying the party. - Mm‐hmm. 57 00:03:38,251 --> 00:03:41,421 So, if you're all partying, who's running the plant? 58 00:03:41,488 --> 00:03:44,691 We got a dog that barks when a light goes red. 59 00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:46,526 (beeping) 60 00:03:48,528 --> 00:03:51,231 (yawns) 61 00:04:03,176 --> 00:04:06,179 Ah, it's nice to get close to the workers once a year. 62 00:04:07,781 --> 00:04:10,317 - Are you enjoying your holiday? - I was just watching 63 00:04:10,383 --> 00:04:12,786 this fantastic movie, It's a Wonderful Life. 64 00:04:12,853 --> 00:04:14,554 A tribute to my favorite character: 65 00:04:14,621 --> 00:04:17,657 the conniving, evil banker who ruins Christmas Eve. 66 00:04:17,724 --> 00:04:20,761 I presume it ends with Jimmy Stewart's suicide. 67 00:04:20,827 --> 00:04:22,496 Attention! Attention! 68 00:04:22,562 --> 00:04:25,766 I've arranged for some of the latest hip music to be sung. 69 00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:29,603 ♪ Hark, the herald angels sing ♪ 70 00:04:29,669 --> 00:04:33,473 ♪ Good old Monty is our king ♪ 71 00:04:33,540 --> 00:04:36,943 ♪ He's a mean old crocodile ♪ 72 00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:41,181 ♪ Worse than jock itch by a mile ♪ 73 00:04:41,248 --> 00:04:44,684 ♪ I can't wait till Burnsy dies ♪ 74 00:04:44,751 --> 00:04:49,022 ♪ Watching vultures eat his eyes. ♪ 75 00:04:49,089 --> 00:04:51,825 Not so fast. Release the hounds! 76 00:04:51,892 --> 00:04:55,362 On, Slasher! On, Gasher! On, Mangey and Nips 'Em! 77 00:04:55,428 --> 00:04:58,999 On, Stalker! On, Vicious! On, Rabid and Rips 'Em! 78 00:04:59,065 --> 00:05:00,834 (hounds growl) 79 00:05:07,340 --> 00:05:09,843 Good night, Mr. Burns. 80 00:05:14,281 --> 00:05:17,083 Die! Die! Die! 81 00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:19,619 And cool me whiskey. 82 00:05:19,686 --> 00:05:21,054 (people screaming) 83 00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:24,558 ♪ Good King Wenceslas looked out. ♪ 84 00:05:24,624 --> 00:05:26,827 (harmonized scream) 85 00:05:26,893 --> 00:05:28,795 Homer, we've got to go. 86 00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:31,731 Come on, can't I finish filling my pants with shrimp? 87 00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:33,333 Mm. 88 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:35,502 Ooh. 89 00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:37,537 (siren wailing) 90 00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:40,841 I don't know what happened. 91 00:05:40,907 --> 00:05:43,109 What happened is what happens every time. 92 00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:46,246 You got drunk, and you made a fool of yourself. 93 00:05:47,547 --> 00:05:48,915 (sobs softly) 94 00:05:48,982 --> 00:05:51,084 I don't want you coming home 95 00:05:51,151 --> 00:05:53,587 until I know you've changed. 96 00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:56,923 Good night. 97 00:05:56,990 --> 00:05:59,359 Uh, aren't you gonna get out? 98 00:05:59,426 --> 00:06:02,529 No, just drive me around in circles, please. 99 00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:06,633 Oh, sorry. You have to order an Uber Sad for that. 100 00:06:10,470 --> 00:06:13,573 There, there. Prices are always surging at Christmas. 101 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:16,643 Where do I go? Where do I go? 102 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:19,813 Hey. You got to bowl or go home. 103 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,148 ♪ ♪ 104 00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:23,717 Skate or go home. 105 00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:28,288 Go home or go home. 106 00:06:28,355 --> 00:06:30,757 Isn't a church supposed to offer sanctuary? 107 00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:33,727 I'll tell you what. Quote one Bible verse, 108 00:06:33,793 --> 00:06:35,896 and I'll let you in. 109 00:06:35,962 --> 00:06:38,431 Um... "There once was a man from Judaea 110 00:06:38,498 --> 00:06:41,167 who said to my wife, 'If I pay ya...'" 111 00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:42,402 And no. 112 00:06:42,469 --> 00:06:44,771 Please. I have nowhere to go. 113 00:06:44,838 --> 00:06:47,574 Well, there is one person 114 00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:49,910 that takes the homeless, lost dogs, 115 00:06:49,976 --> 00:06:53,213 even grocery bags carried off by the wind. 116 00:06:54,214 --> 00:06:56,783 Oh. I don't know how to put this. 117 00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:59,219 Come on in, my brother. 118 00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:02,022 You, too. 119 00:07:04,791 --> 00:07:07,427 Look, Maude. God blessed us with another mouth 120 00:07:07,494 --> 00:07:09,863 - to feed. - (scoffs) 121 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,474 More like a sinkhole that likes french fries. 122 00:07:11,498 --> 00:07:13,800 Oh, now, Maude, Jesus said, "Love your neighbor" 123 00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:16,636 even though he never seemed to live next to anyone. 124 00:07:16,703 --> 00:07:19,439 Please, Ned. I'm due any day. 125 00:07:19,506 --> 00:07:22,475 Maude, when I look in that man's face, I see Jesus. 126 00:07:22,542 --> 00:07:25,011 When you look at everything, you see Jesus. 127 00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:28,148 I bet you're seeing Jesus right now. 128 00:07:28,214 --> 00:07:29,816 I love you so much. 129 00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:31,451 Put him in your man cave. 130 00:07:31,518 --> 00:07:32,786 Man cave? 131 00:07:32,852 --> 00:07:34,821 My Son of Man cave. 132 00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:37,791 The Wi‐Fi password is "sinners burn in hell." 133 00:07:37,857 --> 00:07:39,793 The second "S" is a dollar sign. 134 00:07:39,859 --> 00:07:42,629 The first "L" is a one. The "E" in "sinners" is a three, 135 00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:44,798 but the "E" in "hell" is an "E" for "eternity." 136 00:07:44,864 --> 00:07:48,335 (groans) I'll just use my data plan like an animal. 137 00:07:50,570 --> 00:07:52,639 (clattering) 138 00:07:52,706 --> 00:07:54,908 You ate the Christmas ham. 139 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,943 And it wasn't even cooked. 140 00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:58,578 Wait, wait. You were saving that? 141 00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,747 (exhales) It was still in the plastic. 142 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:03,249 That was plastic? Uh‐oh. 143 00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:05,585 I know it's tough, Marge, 144 00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:07,020 but you're doing the right thing. 145 00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:08,588 Just like I raised him. 146 00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:10,357 Punish, punish, punish. 147 00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:12,759 And after it's much too late, love. 148 00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,728 It's not just this one thing. 149 00:08:14,794 --> 00:08:17,630 It's a pattern of constant disappointment. 150 00:08:17,697 --> 00:08:21,101 You must see it. You live with us temporarily. 151 00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:23,303 What do you mean, "temporarily"? 152 00:08:23,370 --> 00:08:25,271 Nothing. Nothing, nothing. 153 00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,040 Have a good night. 154 00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:30,877 (quiet whimpers) 155 00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:36,149 Oh, I can't take this place. 156 00:08:37,884 --> 00:08:38,818 Ooh! 157 00:08:38,885 --> 00:08:40,320 Aw. 158 00:08:40,387 --> 00:08:43,723 Even my peripheral vision is betraying me. 159 00:08:48,895 --> 00:08:52,098 (snarls) 160 00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:56,169 So, wife threw you out, eh? 161 00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:59,973 - Yeah. - We've got a nice, warm bed for you 162 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,509 in the lake of eternal flame! 163 00:09:02,575 --> 00:09:05,712 A house by the lake? I could get some writing done. 164 00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:07,580 In the lake. 165 00:09:07,647 --> 00:09:10,350 Oh, thank God. Any excuse not to write. 166 00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:12,786 (groans) Kill me. 167 00:09:14,521 --> 00:09:16,122 KRUSTY: Hey, hey, kids. 168 00:09:16,189 --> 00:09:17,424 Especially the little ones. 169 00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:19,459 Here's an all‐new Itchy & Scratchy. 170 00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:21,127 Parental discretion advised. 171 00:09:21,194 --> 00:09:23,797 But if they were around, you wouldn't be watching. 172 00:09:23,863 --> 00:09:25,698 (laughs) 173 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:27,800 Ah! 174 00:09:28,535 --> 00:09:30,036 Ah! 175 00:09:33,039 --> 00:09:34,140 (screams) 176 00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:35,775 (both scream) 177 00:09:35,842 --> 00:09:37,777 Where's Daddy? 178 00:09:37,844 --> 00:09:40,980 Um, he‐he won't be back for a while. 179 00:09:41,047 --> 00:09:43,149 It's okay. I love Bart. 180 00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:46,453 I love Bart. I love Bart. I love Bart. 181 00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:48,421 And I love Lisa. 182 00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:50,657 BOTH: I love you, I love you, I love you. 183 00:09:50,723 --> 00:09:52,258 Oh, that's wonderful. 184 00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:54,961 We can still have a nice Christmas, 185 00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:57,063 - even without your... - (chuckles) Daddy's back. 186 00:09:57,130 --> 00:09:58,331 Daddy's back. 187 00:09:58,398 --> 00:10:00,900 Look at that hat. He must be a millionaire. 188 00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:02,569 (both scream) 189 00:10:02,635 --> 00:10:04,270 Okay, it's time to go to bed. 190 00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:06,239 We'll have fun tomorrow. 191 00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:08,441 (both scream) 192 00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:10,443 ("Jingle Bells" playing) 193 00:10:10,510 --> 00:10:15,081 See? Even without Daddy, it's Christmas at the mall. 194 00:10:17,083 --> 00:10:19,018 Please give something. 195 00:10:19,085 --> 00:10:22,021 I'm about to be the first person ever dishonorably discharged 196 00:10:22,088 --> 00:10:24,157 by the Salvation Army. 197 00:10:27,527 --> 00:10:30,430 Aw, that was a real beard. 198 00:10:32,732 --> 00:10:34,801 Can I get these for me and Daddy? 199 00:10:34,868 --> 00:10:37,837 I'm not sure Daddy will be back by Christmas. 200 00:10:37,904 --> 00:10:41,474 Ooh, I smell marital problems. 201 00:10:41,541 --> 00:10:43,176 A salesman's dream. 202 00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:45,512 Little boy, if she doesn't buy it, 203 00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:47,380 she doesn't love you. 204 00:10:47,447 --> 00:10:50,483 Really? And do you have a happy homelife? 205 00:10:50,550 --> 00:10:52,952 Why, ye‐‐ No. 206 00:10:55,622 --> 00:10:57,891 Aw, poor fella. I know what'll cheer him up. 207 00:10:57,957 --> 00:11:00,026 Homer, would you like to say grace? 208 00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:01,995 I'd rather just eat. 209 00:11:02,061 --> 00:11:03,496 No grace? 210 00:11:03,563 --> 00:11:05,965 Then I'm gonna let my hair grow natural. 211 00:11:06,032 --> 00:11:07,032 (hair pops) 212 00:11:07,066 --> 00:11:08,334 Homer, please. 213 00:11:08,401 --> 00:11:10,436 Honor the Lord until we're all bored. 214 00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:11,738 (sighs) 215 00:11:11,804 --> 00:11:13,673 Dear God, how you doing? 216 00:11:13,740 --> 00:11:15,842 I know your son's birthday's coming up. 217 00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:18,444 Oh, with his mother, you say? 218 00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:20,480 Oh, that's too bad. 219 00:11:20,547 --> 00:11:23,616 Now, Homer, in this house, grace is personal, pious, 220 00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,185 and at least 500 words. 221 00:11:25,251 --> 00:11:26,619 Fine. 222 00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,755 Thank You, O Lord, for my wonderful home, 223 00:11:28,821 --> 00:11:30,023 which I'm not in. 224 00:11:30,089 --> 00:11:32,926 And my beautiful family, which I can't see. 225 00:11:32,992 --> 00:11:35,461 I mean, Flanders is great and all, 226 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:38,631 but even you must think he's kind of a jackass. 227 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,500 What's a jackass? 228 00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:42,302 It's a silly person, Roddy. 229 00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:44,304 Daddy, you're a jackass. 230 00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:46,539 Sheesh. The mouth on that kid. 231 00:11:46,606 --> 00:11:49,509 Ned, that man has got to go. 232 00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:51,878 Maude, you know we can't turn away someone in need 233 00:11:51,945 --> 00:11:53,479 right before Christmas. 234 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:55,648 You're right. I forgot my Christian values. 235 00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:58,618 Could you please get our guest some Christmas candy? 236 00:11:58,685 --> 00:12:00,720 Absotively. 237 00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:03,823 Get the hell out. 238 00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:05,225 (whimpers) 239 00:12:06,993 --> 00:12:08,228 Where'd he go? 240 00:12:08,294 --> 00:12:10,163 Can't be a rapture, I know that. 241 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,232 - HOMER: Yep. - Scram! 242 00:12:14,033 --> 00:12:15,902 I have no luck. 243 00:12:22,642 --> 00:12:24,244 Just keep bringing me drinks 244 00:12:24,310 --> 00:12:26,312 until I pass out under this table. 245 00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:29,315 Also, you have tables? 246 00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:34,020 Why aren't you home with Midge? 247 00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:37,523 I've been kicked out. I have no place to go. 248 00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:38,992 Oh, you poor guy. 249 00:12:39,058 --> 00:12:40,493 Let's take a walk. 250 00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:46,266 Finally. 251 00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:54,707 Aw... 252 00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:57,010 (groans) 253 00:12:57,076 --> 00:13:00,013 If only I could get back in there tonight. 254 00:13:00,079 --> 00:13:01,914 Well, uh, actually, there is a way. 255 00:13:01,981 --> 00:13:04,450 What are you talking about? 256 00:13:04,517 --> 00:13:07,220 There's a tiny little room above your garage 257 00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:08,621 that you've never noticed. 258 00:13:08,688 --> 00:13:11,457 Until Marge forgives you, you can hide out in there. 259 00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:13,926 Have you ever stayed up there? 260 00:13:13,993 --> 00:13:17,730 I haven't, but, uh, I did rent it out to a nice Irish family. 261 00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,832 (sad flute melody plays) 262 00:13:21,701 --> 00:13:24,804 Oh, Ma, this is the best place we've ever lived. 263 00:13:24,871 --> 00:13:27,674 We only have to clean Moe's bar for seven years, 264 00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:29,709 and then we get our passports back. 265 00:13:38,384 --> 00:13:40,687 ("Silent Night" playing) 266 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:50,029 ♪ 267 00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:56,302 LISA: God bless Bart. God bless Mommy. 268 00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:58,838 God bless Santa. Santa bless God. 269 00:13:58,905 --> 00:14:02,108 And especially God bless Daddy. 270 00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:04,243 BART: God, I don't know if you could do this, 271 00:14:04,310 --> 00:14:06,646 but I want a different father. 272 00:14:06,713 --> 00:14:09,182 (sobs) I'm home. 273 00:14:15,822 --> 00:14:17,557 ("Carol of the Bells" playing) 274 00:14:34,907 --> 00:14:36,342 (music fades) 275 00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:39,345 So cozy. Ooh, cheese! 276 00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:40,847 Rat trap! Ow! 277 00:14:40,913 --> 00:14:42,348 Ooh, more cheese. 278 00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:44,350 Rat trap! Ow! 279 00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:45,852 Ooh, rat trap! 280 00:14:45,918 --> 00:14:48,121 Cheese! Ow! 281 00:14:48,187 --> 00:14:51,090 At least I haven't seen any spiders. 282 00:14:51,157 --> 00:14:55,595 Cool. Now that I'm a bachelor again, my hair is coming back. 283 00:14:55,661 --> 00:14:57,430 Aah! 284 00:15:00,366 --> 00:15:01,534 (phone rings) 285 00:15:04,170 --> 00:15:05,271 Hey, Lenny. 286 00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:07,140 Yeah, I'm doing okay. 287 00:15:07,206 --> 00:15:09,308 You're living the life you always dreamed of: 288 00:15:09,375 --> 00:15:11,077 not being able to stand. 289 00:15:11,144 --> 00:15:14,280 I'm so lonely I made a Marge from insulation. 290 00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:15,415 LISA: Mommy? 291 00:15:15,481 --> 00:15:17,283 Bart and I decided we'll give up 292 00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:20,119 all our toys for Christmas if Daddy can come back. 293 00:15:20,186 --> 00:15:21,654 But I'll need double on my birthday. 294 00:15:21,721 --> 00:15:23,122 Take it or leave it. 295 00:15:23,189 --> 00:15:25,158 What's happened to you? 296 00:15:25,224 --> 00:15:27,560 BART: I'm becoming a jerk because I have no dad. 297 00:15:27,627 --> 00:15:30,296 MARGE: So you'll be better if he comes back? 298 00:15:30,363 --> 00:15:33,166 BART: Maybe not, but you won't get all the blame. 299 00:15:33,232 --> 00:15:35,301 ♪ ♪ 300 00:15:41,707 --> 00:15:43,609 Well, I want him back, too. 301 00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:45,011 BOTH: Yay! 302 00:15:45,077 --> 00:15:47,580 MARGE: I want him back, but I need your father 303 00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:49,449 to do one great thing. 304 00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:50,850 One thing to show 305 00:15:50,917 --> 00:15:53,286 that all the nonsense I put up with has a point. 306 00:15:53,352 --> 00:15:55,121 Now, we're going to go to midnight mass 307 00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:56,956 without your father. 308 00:15:57,023 --> 00:15:59,258 Aw, missing church. 309 00:15:59,325 --> 00:16:02,028 This is the saddest I've ever been happy. 310 00:16:02,094 --> 00:16:03,729 (car departing) 311 00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:05,832 ("O Holy Night" playing) 312 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:15,107 One thing. One gesture. 313 00:16:15,174 --> 00:16:16,642 (gasps) I know! 314 00:16:16,709 --> 00:16:20,446 I'll do the thing that Christmas is really all about! 315 00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:22,782 Make cookies. 316 00:16:24,016 --> 00:16:25,785 Dad made cookies! 317 00:16:25,852 --> 00:16:26,786 Yay! 318 00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:28,120 How many did you eat? 319 00:16:28,187 --> 00:16:30,723 Most but not all. 320 00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:33,326 (gasps) Oh, that's wonderful! 321 00:16:33,392 --> 00:16:34,894 Mwah. 322 00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:37,830 (gasping, shouting) 323 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,503 (groans) No forgiveness, no cookies, 324 00:16:43,569 --> 00:16:44,937 and I burned the good drapes 325 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,473 so we'll have to get corncob curtains. 326 00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:49,775 (sighs) I need a miracle, 327 00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:52,011 but those never happen at Christmas. 328 00:16:52,078 --> 00:16:53,846 (Maude groaning) 329 00:16:53,913 --> 00:16:55,481 MAUDE: Contraction! 330 00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:58,684 Oh, if only that pregnant woman would stop that racket 331 00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:00,019 so I could think. 332 00:17:00,086 --> 00:17:01,721 You could deliver the baby. 333 00:17:01,787 --> 00:17:02,722 Wait, who are you? 334 00:17:02,788 --> 00:17:03,956 I'm your brain. 335 00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:05,400 How come I haven't heard from you before? 336 00:17:05,424 --> 00:17:07,426 Your stomach gets all the bloo. 337 00:17:07,493 --> 00:17:08,761 You shut up about that! 338 00:17:08,828 --> 00:17:10,229 I know where you live. 339 00:17:10,296 --> 00:17:12,064 Oh, the baby's coming. 340 00:17:12,131 --> 00:17:14,400 Oh, wh‐where's your father? 341 00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:17,603 He's delivering Christmas turkeys to the poor. 342 00:17:17,670 --> 00:17:19,105 That selfish jerk. 343 00:17:19,171 --> 00:17:22,041 Did somebody order an unlikely hero? 344 00:17:22,108 --> 00:17:24,544 Maude, let's get you to the hospital. 345 00:17:24,610 --> 00:17:25,778 (moans) No. 346 00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:27,113 It's too late. 347 00:17:27,179 --> 00:17:30,149 Then I'll deliver this baby myself. 348 00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:32,318 How are you gonna do that? 349 00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:33,753 The same way I learned 350 00:17:33,819 --> 00:17:36,556 what the top ten bass solos through history are‐‐ 351 00:17:36,622 --> 00:17:38,424 through YouTube. 352 00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:41,794 ("My Generation" bass solo playing) 353 00:17:41,861 --> 00:17:44,597 Oh, there's always a commercial. 354 00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:47,300 There will be a time, mark my words, 355 00:17:47,366 --> 00:17:51,070 where the monkey attempts to eat your face. 356 00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:56,842 If you've done everything correctly, 357 00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:59,679 your mother‐to‐be is calm and peaceful. 358 00:17:59,745 --> 00:18:01,113 (groans) Shut up. 359 00:18:01,180 --> 00:18:02,715 You know nothing. 360 00:18:02,782 --> 00:18:05,051 I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get angry. 361 00:18:05,117 --> 00:18:06,118 That's okay. 362 00:18:06,185 --> 00:18:07,553 Of course it's okay! 363 00:18:07,620 --> 00:18:08,554 (moans) 364 00:18:08,621 --> 00:18:09,956 Could you do me a favor? 365 00:18:10,022 --> 00:18:10,957 (grunts) 366 00:18:11,023 --> 00:18:11,958 Anything. 367 00:18:12,024 --> 00:18:13,059 Pretend to be Ned. 368 00:18:13,125 --> 00:18:14,727 (huffing) 369 00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:16,062 Okay. 370 00:18:16,128 --> 00:18:17,463 (stammering) 371 00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:18,598 Oodily doodily. 372 00:18:18,664 --> 00:18:21,033 Uh, no clownin', that baby's crownin'. 373 00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,302 You're almost out of labor, neighbor. 374 00:18:23,369 --> 00:18:25,805 No, no. The real Ned. 375 00:18:25,871 --> 00:18:28,240 Um, uh, uh, I'm a left‐handed weirdo 376 00:18:28,307 --> 00:18:29,976 with a cop mustache. 377 00:18:30,042 --> 00:18:31,744 No. No, no, no. (moans) 378 00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:35,748 I mean the quiet, wonderful man I married. 379 00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:36,815 All right. 380 00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:38,150 To help you deliver this baby, 381 00:18:38,217 --> 00:18:40,086 I'll make the ultimate sacrifice. 382 00:18:40,152 --> 00:18:42,555 I'll act like a weenie. 383 00:18:43,656 --> 00:18:45,324 Maude, I know I'll love heaven 384 00:18:45,391 --> 00:18:47,426 because you've made one for me on Earth. 385 00:18:47,493 --> 00:18:50,830 Let's bring another angel into this world. 386 00:18:53,165 --> 00:18:54,767 Perfectly normal. 387 00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:57,803 Eight fingers and eight toes. 388 00:18:57,870 --> 00:18:59,171 Aw. 389 00:18:59,238 --> 00:19:00,439 How long have you been here? 390 00:19:00,506 --> 00:19:03,075 Long enough to see the man I married 391 00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:05,411 is heroic and wise 392 00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:08,047 and capable and brave 393 00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:09,582 - and... - Give me my baby! 394 00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,417 I guess it is mostly yours. 395 00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:12,418 Here. 396 00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:14,954 Homie, you did great. 397 00:19:15,021 --> 00:19:17,156 Mmm! 398 00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:19,392 Oh, Maude. 399 00:19:19,458 --> 00:19:20,593 I'm so sorry. 400 00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:21,694 It's okay, Neddy. 401 00:19:21,761 --> 00:19:23,462 I was in good hands. 402 00:19:23,529 --> 00:19:26,098 I redeemed myself at Christmas, 403 00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,299 like the Grinch, 404 00:19:27,366 --> 00:19:28,734 the Die Hard guy 405 00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:30,369 and Scrooged. 406 00:19:31,437 --> 00:19:32,738 In honor of today, 407 00:19:32,805 --> 00:19:35,207 we're gonna name our son Homer. 408 00:19:35,274 --> 00:19:36,275 ‐(grunts) ‐Uh... 409 00:19:36,342 --> 00:19:37,810 Todd Homer Flanders. 410 00:19:37,877 --> 00:19:40,146 Todd's middle name is Homer? 411 00:19:40,212 --> 00:19:41,814 Yep. And for similar reasons, 412 00:19:41,881 --> 00:19:44,450 Maggie's middle name is Lenny. 413 00:19:45,551 --> 00:19:49,321 But that's a story for the next Arbor Day. 414 00:19:49,388 --> 00:19:50,990 Well, I want to see your secret room. 415 00:19:51,057 --> 00:19:52,892 Oh‐oh‐oh, not so fast, boy. 416 00:19:52,958 --> 00:19:55,494 First you have to tell me one of your secrets. 417 00:19:55,561 --> 00:19:56,996 Okay. Not saying why, 418 00:19:57,063 --> 00:19:59,331 but you might want to get a new toothbrush. 419 00:19:59,398 --> 00:20:01,067 (chuckles) 420 00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:02,468 You, too, son. 421 00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:03,569 You, too. 422 00:20:08,407 --> 00:20:11,177 And I found out something else about the day you were born. 423 00:20:11,243 --> 00:20:12,611 What? 424 00:20:12,678 --> 00:20:14,780 You were born with a full set of teeth. 425 00:20:14,847 --> 00:20:16,282 And here they are! 426 00:20:16,348 --> 00:20:18,417 (shrieking) 427 00:20:18,484 --> 00:20:20,019 GRAMPA: Where are my dentures?! 428 00:20:20,086 --> 00:20:21,353 I got a hot date tonight, 429 00:20:21,420 --> 00:20:23,556 and I want to show off by eatin' chicken. 430 00:20:25,091 --> 00:20:27,093 What am I doin' up there? 431 00:20:32,431 --> 00:20:33,999 (chuckling) 432 00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,102 (moaning) 433 00:20:38,771 --> 00:20:40,372 (chuckles) 434 00:20:40,439 --> 00:20:41,807 You think the kids can hear? 435 00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:44,443 No, no, everything up here is totally soundproof. 436 00:20:44,510 --> 00:20:46,445 Well, don't let me stop youse. 437 00:20:46,512 --> 00:20:48,481 What? What are you lookin' at? 438 00:20:48,547 --> 00:20:50,525 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 439 00:20:50,549 --> 00:20:52,485 FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 440 00:20:52,551 --> 00:20:54,487 And FORD. We go further, so you can. 441 00:20:54,553 --> 00:20:56,565 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 442 00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:58,624 ("Carol of the Bells" playing) 443 00:21:28,521 --> 00:21:29,522 Shh!