1 00:00:03,139 --> 00:00:04,475 (bird caws) 2 00:00:06,479 --> 00:00:11,189 SEVERAL MEN: ♪ Happy birthday, dear Carl ♪ 3 00:00:11,256 --> 00:00:15,097 ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ 4 00:00:15,163 --> 00:00:18,370 LENNY: ♪ And Lenny More... ♪ 5 00:00:18,436 --> 00:00:21,610 Carl, for your birthday, I oiled your barstool. 6 00:00:21,677 --> 00:00:23,280 (groans) 7 00:00:23,346 --> 00:00:24,424 - (Carl retches) - (phone vibrates) 8 00:00:24,448 --> 00:00:26,620 - Y'ello. - It's me, Homer. 9 00:00:26,687 --> 00:00:29,560 Marge, I'm so sorry I'm still here. 10 00:00:29,626 --> 00:00:32,398 It's just, it's Carl's birthday. 11 00:00:32,464 --> 00:00:34,068 Right. It's Carl's birthday. 12 00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:36,072 Then it's Lenny's half birthday. 13 00:00:36,139 --> 00:00:38,076 Then it's Canadian Thanksgiving. 14 00:00:38,143 --> 00:00:41,082 Don't forget Tu BiShvat, the Jewish Arbor Day. 15 00:00:41,149 --> 00:00:44,188 (groans) Just don't drive home drunk, Homer. 16 00:00:44,255 --> 00:00:45,658 I'm serious. 17 00:00:45,725 --> 00:00:47,094 (groaning) 18 00:00:47,161 --> 00:00:49,332 Sometimes there's advantages to living and dying alone. 19 00:00:49,398 --> 00:00:52,505 I could drive off a cliff, free as a bird. 20 00:00:52,572 --> 00:00:55,010 I'm heading home now. 21 00:00:55,077 --> 00:00:57,181 - Moe, take my keys. - Yeah, you got it, pal. 22 00:00:57,247 --> 00:00:59,418 I'll keep 'em safe till you're sober. 23 00:00:59,485 --> 00:01:00,989 Make me two sets of these 24 00:01:01,055 --> 00:01:02,626 and get 'em to me by closing time. 25 00:01:02,692 --> 00:01:04,295 (chuckles slyly) 26 00:01:04,362 --> 00:01:05,999 (grunting drunkenly) 27 00:01:06,065 --> 00:01:09,138 Homer, Homer, let‐let me call you an Uber. 28 00:01:10,642 --> 00:01:12,411 Are you, uh... 29 00:01:12,478 --> 00:01:13,681 Homer? 30 00:01:13,748 --> 00:01:16,152 Geez, you're better off walking. 31 00:01:18,958 --> 00:01:20,427 Take me to Moe's. 32 00:01:20,494 --> 00:01:21,830 Hey. We're here. 33 00:01:21,897 --> 00:01:24,068 You're good. Five stars. 34 00:01:25,070 --> 00:01:28,343 ♪ There's liquor on my brain ♪ 35 00:01:28,410 --> 00:01:32,051 ♪ I'm peeing in the drain ♪ 36 00:01:32,117 --> 00:01:35,290 ♪ What a glorious feeling ♪ 37 00:01:35,357 --> 00:01:39,031 ♪ I'm blotto again ♪ 38 00:01:39,098 --> 00:01:42,438 ♪ I'm talking too loud ♪ 39 00:01:42,505 --> 00:01:45,712 - ♪ Being friendly with Kirk ♪ - (yells) 40 00:01:45,778 --> 00:01:48,818 ♪ There's no way in hell ♪ 41 00:01:48,884 --> 00:01:52,224 ♪ I'll be ready for work. ♪ 42 00:01:53,561 --> 00:01:55,732 We have other cops in this town? 43 00:01:58,303 --> 00:02:01,409 Marge, um, you see, there's a little hitch. 44 00:02:01,476 --> 00:02:03,213 I'm in jail... 45 00:02:03,279 --> 00:02:05,383 I knew it. I knew you'd screw up. 46 00:02:05,450 --> 00:02:07,889 I wasn't driving. I was walking. 47 00:02:07,956 --> 00:02:11,229 I wasn't a danger, just a disgrace. 48 00:02:11,295 --> 00:02:12,899 Don't come home tonight. 49 00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:14,603 - But... - Just don't. 50 00:02:15,972 --> 00:02:17,441 (groans) 51 00:02:18,443 --> 00:02:20,748 (sobbing) 52 00:02:20,815 --> 00:02:24,121 I always thought that rock bottom would feel more fun. 53 00:02:24,188 --> 00:02:26,960 Well, sometimes when you're at rock bottom, 54 00:02:27,027 --> 00:02:30,167 anywhere you look, you can see the stars. 55 00:02:30,233 --> 00:02:32,304 - Cletus! - Hiya, friend. 56 00:02:32,371 --> 00:02:35,076 What you said is very wise. 57 00:02:35,143 --> 00:02:37,181 Well, I went to M. I. T. T. 58 00:02:37,247 --> 00:02:40,120 The Mississippi Institute of Trailer Trash. 59 00:02:40,187 --> 00:02:41,523 Go, Book Burners. 60 00:02:41,590 --> 00:02:43,527 - (chuckles) - What are you in for? 61 00:02:43,594 --> 00:02:45,965 Oh, cops don't respect us hill folk. 62 00:02:46,032 --> 00:02:48,504 Every three months, they shut down my still 63 00:02:48,571 --> 00:02:50,340 and take the hooch. 64 00:02:51,342 --> 00:02:54,014 Hey, this moonshine made me go blind! 65 00:02:54,081 --> 00:02:56,452 Oh, wait, my hat's just over my eyes. 66 00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:57,956 (chuckles) 67 00:02:58,022 --> 00:02:59,793 Oh, wait. I am blind. 68 00:02:59,860 --> 00:03:01,630 At least your wife's not mad at you. 69 00:03:01,697 --> 00:03:02,966 Aw, well. 70 00:03:03,032 --> 00:03:06,506 Hey, Officer! This prison got itself a guitar? 71 00:03:06,573 --> 00:03:07,842 Of course. 72 00:03:07,909 --> 00:03:10,213 Yeah, I prefer acoustic. 73 00:03:12,217 --> 00:03:15,791 Well, since neither of us can be home tonight, 74 00:03:15,858 --> 00:03:18,029 let me bring home to us. 75 00:03:18,096 --> 00:03:23,507 ♪ I had all the wealth that a man could want ♪ 76 00:03:23,574 --> 00:03:25,110 ♪ A wife and some kids ♪ 77 00:03:25,176 --> 00:03:28,684 ♪ Who love me ♪ 78 00:03:28,751 --> 00:03:30,453 ♪ Apple blossoms ♪ 79 00:03:30,521 --> 00:03:32,959 ♪ And tasty possums ♪ 80 00:03:33,026 --> 00:03:35,463 ♪ And the good Lord ♪ 81 00:03:35,531 --> 00:03:37,467 ♪ Up above me ♪ 82 00:03:37,535 --> 00:03:38,537 (sobbing) 83 00:03:38,604 --> 00:03:42,144 ♪ Fort Knox don't compare ♪ 84 00:03:42,210 --> 00:03:44,415 ♪ To what we got there ♪ 85 00:03:44,481 --> 00:03:48,156 ♪ 'Cause our home is where ♪ 86 00:03:48,222 --> 00:03:52,999 ♪ My gold is. ♪ 87 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:54,836 Yes, it is. 88 00:03:54,903 --> 00:03:59,178 Officer Lou, does this jail have a self‐reflection mirror? 89 00:03:59,244 --> 00:04:01,115 Here you go. 90 00:04:01,182 --> 00:04:02,685 I got to be a better man. 91 00:04:02,752 --> 00:04:04,956 For Marge and the kids and Grampa 92 00:04:05,023 --> 00:04:06,392 and the dog. 93 00:04:06,459 --> 00:04:07,895 Don't you have a cat? 94 00:04:07,962 --> 00:04:09,465 Screw the cat. 95 00:04:12,204 --> 00:04:13,874 Kids? 96 00:04:13,941 --> 00:04:15,377 Wake up. 97 00:04:16,613 --> 00:04:19,051 I've got something important to say. 98 00:04:19,118 --> 00:04:21,255 Now, I've got a confession to make. 99 00:04:21,322 --> 00:04:25,430 Your father spent last night in the drunk tank. 100 00:04:25,497 --> 00:04:28,771 - Pay up, Lis. - Oh, why do I keep betting on 101 00:04:28,837 --> 00:04:31,442 "working late to pay for my college"? 102 00:04:31,510 --> 00:04:33,413 Well, from now on, put your money on 103 00:04:33,479 --> 00:04:36,185 "comes home and sets a perfect example." 104 00:04:36,252 --> 00:04:37,855 Good morning, Homer. 105 00:04:37,922 --> 00:04:40,427 Young man, stand up when a lady enters the room. 106 00:04:40,493 --> 00:04:42,431 Especially a fine woman like your ma. 107 00:04:42,497 --> 00:04:43,867 You still pickled? 108 00:04:43,934 --> 00:04:45,604 On your feet, boy! 109 00:04:46,606 --> 00:04:48,476 Gee, thank you, Homie. 110 00:04:48,544 --> 00:04:50,313 I'm a changed man, Marge. 111 00:04:50,380 --> 00:04:52,384 Now, let us join hands in prayer. 112 00:04:52,451 --> 00:04:54,388 Are we gonna get food after? 113 00:04:54,455 --> 00:04:56,392 - No. - Did somebody croak? 114 00:04:56,459 --> 00:04:58,396 - No. - Did you buy a Powerball ticket? 115 00:04:58,463 --> 00:05:01,503 I just want to say a lousy prayer, okay?! 116 00:05:02,572 --> 00:05:05,076 Lord, we humbly ask you to bless this family 117 00:05:05,143 --> 00:05:07,280 and keep us mindful to care one for the other. 118 00:05:07,347 --> 00:05:08,517 Amen. 119 00:05:08,584 --> 00:05:10,053 OTHERS: Amen. 120 00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:12,224 Sweetie, what's gotten into you? 121 00:05:12,290 --> 00:05:14,929 I'm a new, better man, thanks to Cletus. 122 00:05:14,996 --> 00:05:16,633 Huh. You know what? 123 00:05:16,700 --> 00:05:18,302 I believe you. 124 00:05:18,369 --> 00:05:20,741 HOMER: And that was that. 125 00:05:20,808 --> 00:05:23,279 ♪ ♪ 126 00:05:23,346 --> 00:05:25,283 Whoa, whoa, whoa. We ain't done. 127 00:05:25,350 --> 00:05:27,053 We got two more acts. 128 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:29,124 And a "whittled by" credit. 129 00:05:29,191 --> 00:05:31,228 (upbeat, melodic whistling) 130 00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:39,144 Hi, Homie. Remember anything from last night? 131 00:05:39,211 --> 00:05:41,282 I remember I'm a better man. 132 00:05:41,348 --> 00:05:43,119 (gasps) It stuck! 133 00:05:43,186 --> 00:05:46,158 I don't forget important things. 134 00:05:46,225 --> 00:05:47,662 Where the hell's my car? 135 00:05:47,728 --> 00:05:49,264 (chuckles) 136 00:05:49,331 --> 00:05:52,939 Just once, I wanted to feel like a man who owned a car. 137 00:05:53,005 --> 00:05:55,276 (laughs) 138 00:05:59,284 --> 00:06:03,292 Marge, kids, this is the man that turned me around. 139 00:06:03,359 --> 00:06:04,963 What, this goober? 140 00:06:05,029 --> 00:06:07,802 No, my wife's family is Goobers. 141 00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:10,774 I come from a long line of No‐Accounts. 142 00:06:10,841 --> 00:06:12,077 (Cletus chuckles) 143 00:06:12,143 --> 00:06:13,747 ♪ I woke from my dreamin' ♪ 144 00:06:13,814 --> 00:06:16,285 ♪ With my love, Brandine ♪ 145 00:06:16,352 --> 00:06:18,422 - (pig squeals) - ♪ The gal I got pregnant ♪ 146 00:06:18,489 --> 00:06:22,264 ♪ When we was 16. ♪ 147 00:06:22,330 --> 00:06:27,675 Aw. No one sweet‐talks me like you, goat lips. 148 00:06:27,742 --> 00:06:29,779 (loud smooching) 149 00:06:32,117 --> 00:06:34,656 Cletus, you changed my life. 150 00:06:34,722 --> 00:06:37,561 How would you like for me to change yours? 151 00:06:37,628 --> 00:06:40,400 You ain't pitchin' me on a pyramid scheme, is you? 152 00:06:40,466 --> 00:06:42,905 'Cause if so, I'm in. 153 00:06:42,972 --> 00:06:46,245 No, no, no. The world's got to hear what you've got to say. 154 00:06:47,247 --> 00:06:49,251 Well, I'll be daggadoobedubbit. 155 00:06:49,318 --> 00:06:51,322 Why'd you bring me to a parking lot? 156 00:06:51,388 --> 00:06:53,492 Hey, if it's to find baby names, 157 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:57,535 I already gots Camry, Festiva, Compact Only 158 00:06:57,601 --> 00:06:59,237 and Denver Boot. 159 00:06:59,304 --> 00:07:00,574 No, no, no. 160 00:07:00,641 --> 00:07:04,448 We're gonna start your singing career right here. 161 00:07:06,418 --> 00:07:08,456 (bellowing) 162 00:07:10,728 --> 00:07:12,698 S‐Singing career? 163 00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:15,537 If you can reach an audience the way you reached me... 164 00:07:15,604 --> 00:07:17,340 Did you ever see A Star Is Born 165 00:07:17,407 --> 00:07:19,344 with Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga? 166 00:07:19,411 --> 00:07:22,585 - No. - How about with Barbra Streisand and Kris Kristofferson? 167 00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:25,423 - No, sir. - James Mason and Judy Garland? 168 00:07:25,490 --> 00:07:28,530 Oh, no. Just What Price Hollywood? 169 00:07:28,597 --> 00:07:30,868 with Constance Bennett and Lowell Sherman, 170 00:07:30,934 --> 00:07:33,740 upon which A Star Is Born is based. 171 00:07:33,807 --> 00:07:36,946 Whatever. I can make you a star. 172 00:07:37,013 --> 00:07:38,583 My pappy's gon' manage you. 173 00:07:38,650 --> 00:07:40,119 Whoa diggity! 174 00:07:40,186 --> 00:07:43,292 Your future's brighter than a polecat in a henhouse. 175 00:07:43,359 --> 00:07:45,296 Hey, if you're gonna speak hillbilly, 176 00:07:45,363 --> 00:07:47,467 practice your enuncification. 177 00:07:47,535 --> 00:07:51,408 Use your adverbs proper‐like, dad gummitly. 178 00:07:51,475 --> 00:07:53,814 - Yes'm. - We's powerful sorry. 179 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:56,653 Well, I do need to find a way to make a living, 180 00:07:56,719 --> 00:07:58,489 since Wiggum shut me down. 181 00:07:58,557 --> 00:08:01,328 And I swore I would never go back to retail‐‐ 182 00:08:01,395 --> 00:08:03,934 which means putting tails back on animals. 183 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:06,104 You got any experience? 184 00:08:06,171 --> 00:08:08,543 (quietly): I once managed a beautiful woman 185 00:08:08,610 --> 00:08:10,547 who was not my wife. 186 00:08:10,614 --> 00:08:12,618 It ended the way you'd expect. 187 00:08:12,685 --> 00:08:14,354 12 gold records. 188 00:08:14,421 --> 00:08:15,858 (Marge groans) 189 00:08:15,924 --> 00:08:18,128 But I promise I'll always shoot straight with you, 190 00:08:18,195 --> 00:08:20,132 unless we're actually using real guns. 191 00:08:20,199 --> 00:08:22,605 In which case I always blast randomly in a circle. 192 00:08:22,671 --> 00:08:24,140 Do we have a deal? 193 00:08:24,207 --> 00:08:26,646 Whoa, not so fast there. 194 00:08:26,713 --> 00:08:29,084 Show business has screwed up a lot of country folk, 195 00:08:29,150 --> 00:08:30,787 from Elvis to Britney. 196 00:08:30,854 --> 00:08:32,156 And Mister Ed. 197 00:08:32,223 --> 00:08:35,162 Did you know that he was a heroin addict? 198 00:08:35,229 --> 00:08:36,833 A horse on horse? 199 00:08:36,900 --> 00:08:38,503 Of course, of course. 200 00:08:38,570 --> 00:08:40,507 Look, I'll do the dirty work. 201 00:08:40,574 --> 00:08:42,511 Now, here's the standard contract. 202 00:08:42,578 --> 00:08:44,515 CLETUS: Hmm. 203 00:08:44,582 --> 00:08:46,619 Well, let me just give this a quick gander. 204 00:08:46,686 --> 00:08:47,821 Come here, gander. 205 00:08:47,888 --> 00:08:49,324 ‐(honking) ‐(grunting) 206 00:08:49,391 --> 00:08:51,228 Okay, yeah, all right. We got a deal. 207 00:08:54,569 --> 00:08:56,004 (upbeat song playing) 208 00:08:56,071 --> 00:08:57,775 (song ends) 209 00:08:58,777 --> 00:09:00,547 HOMER: Mm‐hmm. 210 00:09:00,614 --> 00:09:02,651 Homie, should our kids be here this late? 211 00:09:02,718 --> 00:09:04,421 I'm a family man now. 212 00:09:04,487 --> 00:09:07,126 And a family man does things with his family. 213 00:09:07,193 --> 00:09:09,565 - I have math homework. - Do it at the bar. 214 00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:10,734 Okay, let's see. 215 00:09:10,801 --> 00:09:13,573 I've got to draw a perfect circle. 216 00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:14,742 MAN: There you go. 217 00:09:14,809 --> 00:09:16,278 Th‐Thank you. 218 00:09:16,345 --> 00:09:17,815 Uh, follow me, boys. 219 00:09:17,881 --> 00:09:19,084 A‐one and a‐two, 220 00:09:19,150 --> 00:09:21,488 - and a‐one and a‐two and a... - (whispers) 221 00:09:21,556 --> 00:09:24,996 Three? When did that happen? 222 00:09:25,062 --> 00:09:27,100 (playing up‐tempo beat) 223 00:09:28,937 --> 00:09:30,641 ♪ Out in the country ♪ 224 00:09:30,707 --> 00:09:32,511 ♪ They ain't no nine‐to‐five ♪ 225 00:09:32,578 --> 00:09:34,314 ♪ We don't get promoted ♪ 226 00:09:34,381 --> 00:09:36,151 ♪ It's a fight to stay alive ♪ 227 00:09:36,218 --> 00:09:38,723 ♪ We lean on our family ♪ 228 00:09:38,790 --> 00:09:40,794 ♪ When times is gettin' hard ♪ 229 00:09:40,861 --> 00:09:42,865 ♪ We're broke and we're dirty ♪ 230 00:09:42,931 --> 00:09:44,735 ♪ And we ain't too smart, mm ♪ 231 00:09:44,802 --> 00:09:46,739 ♪ But hey, hey ♪ 232 00:09:46,806 --> 00:09:48,910 ♪ Here's what I got to say ♪ 233 00:09:48,977 --> 00:09:50,881 ♪ You can keep your mansions ♪ 234 00:09:50,947 --> 00:09:52,918 ♪ And you can keep your yachts ♪ 235 00:09:52,985 --> 00:09:56,224 ♪ I ain't needin' nothin' 'cept for everything I gots ♪ 236 00:09:56,291 --> 00:09:57,761 ♪ And I thank the Lord for that ♪ 237 00:09:57,828 --> 00:09:59,264 That's me. 238 00:09:59,330 --> 00:10:01,769 ♪ When I count my blessings every night ♪ 239 00:10:01,836 --> 00:10:03,940 ♪ Got my wife and my kids and a belly full of ribs ♪ 240 00:10:04,007 --> 00:10:05,744 ♪ Lord up above and a whole lot of love ♪ 241 00:10:05,811 --> 00:10:08,082 ♪ Wife and my kids and a belly full of ribs ♪ 242 00:10:08,148 --> 00:10:10,086 ♪ And I thank the Lord above. ♪ 243 00:10:10,152 --> 00:10:11,622 ♪ RisingStar. 244 00:10:11,689 --> 00:10:13,192 ♪ FleetwoodHick. 245 00:10:13,258 --> 00:10:15,463 ♪ KanyeWestVirginia. 246 00:10:15,530 --> 00:10:17,200 ♪ YokelOno. 247 00:10:17,266 --> 00:10:19,204 ♪ OkefenokeeKaraoke. 248 00:10:19,270 --> 00:10:20,707 And send. 249 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:26,753 (humming a tune) 250 00:10:26,819 --> 00:10:29,491 Ah, Elin, I thought I'd find you dancing. 251 00:10:29,558 --> 00:10:31,996 Yes, I'm exactly as I seem. 252 00:10:32,063 --> 00:10:34,635 ‐Well, I‐‐ ‐Quiet! (sniffs) 253 00:10:34,702 --> 00:10:36,304 Someone's getting clicks. 254 00:10:36,371 --> 00:10:39,344 Our next guest is from America's heartland. 255 00:10:39,410 --> 00:10:41,014 Up‐bup‐bup! 256 00:10:41,081 --> 00:10:43,485 Not on my white furniture, please. 257 00:10:47,928 --> 00:10:49,932 (cheering, applause) 258 00:10:51,602 --> 00:10:52,671 (louder cheering) 259 00:10:52,738 --> 00:10:54,374 Not loud enough! Not loud enough! 260 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:55,844 Don't make me make you dance! 261 00:10:55,911 --> 00:10:58,048 (murmuring) 262 00:10:58,115 --> 00:11:00,052 Get me a new audience. 263 00:11:00,119 --> 00:11:01,522 (all screaming) 264 00:11:06,532 --> 00:11:07,968 Howdy do, Elin? 265 00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:10,574 You sure do look different in person than you do 266 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:12,744 in them Finding Nemo movies. 267 00:11:12,811 --> 00:11:14,982 (laughs) You know, Cletus, I've heard your fans 268 00:11:15,049 --> 00:11:16,986 will do anything you say. 269 00:11:17,053 --> 00:11:18,957 Oh, that can't be true. 270 00:11:19,023 --> 00:11:21,161 - Try it. - Nah, go on. 271 00:11:21,228 --> 00:11:23,098 It's my show. Do as I say. 272 00:11:23,165 --> 00:11:26,772 Well, Elin, we got ourselves a police chief 273 00:11:26,839 --> 00:11:28,943 in our town by the name of Wiggum. 274 00:11:29,010 --> 00:11:31,448 Now, I ain't got nothing agin him, mind you, 275 00:11:31,515 --> 00:11:35,389 but if you is my fans, here's what I want you to do to him. 276 00:11:37,126 --> 00:11:39,698 Something is going on here. 277 00:11:39,765 --> 00:11:41,468 Something weird. 278 00:11:41,535 --> 00:11:44,007 Okay, help. Police! 279 00:11:44,073 --> 00:11:46,979 (sighs) Never a cop around when you need one. 280 00:11:52,256 --> 00:11:54,093 Well, I want to thank you, my friend. 281 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:55,597 You changed my life. 282 00:11:55,664 --> 00:11:58,235 I was nothing but a zero when I met you, 283 00:11:58,302 --> 00:12:00,774 but now I'm ten times that. 284 00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:02,143 Come here, you. 285 00:12:02,209 --> 00:12:04,247 (grunting) 286 00:12:06,953 --> 00:12:08,957 Homer, stand up. 287 00:12:10,593 --> 00:12:13,031 I want you to know that I'm firing you 288 00:12:13,098 --> 00:12:15,469 and I'm replacing you with a professional. 289 00:12:15,537 --> 00:12:17,808 Aw, nothing ever good happens when you talk 290 00:12:17,874 --> 00:12:20,112 to the person sitting next to you on an airplane. 291 00:12:24,989 --> 00:12:26,759 Uh, Homer, this here is a feller 292 00:12:26,826 --> 00:12:29,330 what wants to be my new manager. 293 00:12:29,397 --> 00:12:31,736 - And you're letting him? - Yeah, I don't know why. 294 00:12:31,802 --> 00:12:34,407 There's just, there's something about him, you know? 295 00:12:34,474 --> 00:12:37,013 Cletus, Cletus. 296 00:12:37,079 --> 00:12:38,950 Listen to how I say this. 297 00:12:39,017 --> 00:12:41,922 It's something everyone says, but when I say it, 298 00:12:41,989 --> 00:12:46,297 you will never hear it like this as long as you live. 299 00:12:46,364 --> 00:12:48,301 I make it very special. 300 00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:49,404 How are you? 301 00:12:49,470 --> 00:12:51,809 Ooh, I just got goose bumps. 302 00:12:51,876 --> 00:12:53,245 Say it again. 303 00:12:53,311 --> 00:12:55,817 No. Listen to me. I love you. 304 00:12:55,884 --> 00:12:57,754 I am in love with you. This is real. 305 00:12:57,821 --> 00:13:00,225 Once you sign with me, you can call me up at 3:00 306 00:13:00,292 --> 00:13:02,063 in the morning‐‐ I won't be mad. 307 00:13:02,129 --> 00:13:04,768 I'll say, "What's wrong, boobie? I love you." 308 00:13:04,835 --> 00:13:07,908 - (whoops) - I can't believe you're thinking of signing with him. 309 00:13:07,974 --> 00:13:10,747 The way you changed my life when we were in jail? 310 00:13:10,814 --> 00:13:12,216 That means nothing to you? 311 00:13:12,283 --> 00:13:15,222 My friend, what happens in jail stays in jail. 312 00:13:15,289 --> 00:13:16,892 Unless it's breaking out of jail. 313 00:13:16,959 --> 00:13:19,197 Well, all I have to offer is my friendship 314 00:13:19,263 --> 00:13:21,802 and the fact that you wouldn't be here if not for me. 315 00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:24,207 That's your closer? That's pitiful. 316 00:13:24,273 --> 00:13:25,810 I don't love you. 317 00:13:25,877 --> 00:13:28,115 Here's my closer. Spuckman! 318 00:13:28,181 --> 00:13:29,317 Duffman? 319 00:13:29,383 --> 00:13:30,820 Now I'm Spuckman. 320 00:13:30,887 --> 00:13:34,093 Because Duff replaced me with a hard‐partying cat. 321 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:35,830 Me‐ow! 322 00:13:35,897 --> 00:13:38,168 Clifford, we're gonna market your dreck 323 00:13:38,235 --> 00:13:41,141 as "Spuckler Family Moonshine," internationally. 324 00:13:41,207 --> 00:13:42,744 We'll say it's made by people 325 00:13:42,811 --> 00:13:46,351 who actually wash their hands voluntarily, 326 00:13:46,417 --> 00:13:48,188 not 'cause of some sign. 327 00:13:48,255 --> 00:13:51,294 Hey, man, mine's all brewed from pure mountain water 328 00:13:51,361 --> 00:13:53,699 from out behind the DuPont factory. 329 00:13:53,766 --> 00:13:55,603 I'm going to assume that's a joke. 330 00:13:55,670 --> 00:13:57,006 (laughs) 331 00:13:57,072 --> 00:13:58,709 But fun's for another time. 332 00:13:58,776 --> 00:14:01,347 We're gonna make you bigger than Campbell's Soup. 333 00:14:01,414 --> 00:14:04,287 Not tomato or chicken noodle. That would be impossible. 334 00:14:04,353 --> 00:14:06,592 But there's one of them where they put in potatoes. 335 00:14:06,659 --> 00:14:08,161 We'll make you bigger than that. 336 00:14:08,228 --> 00:14:10,633 Now, why don't you pick one of these Hollywood actresses 337 00:14:10,700 --> 00:14:12,469 to play your wife in the commercial? 338 00:14:12,537 --> 00:14:14,173 Anyone you want. Just pick. 339 00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:16,444 Oh, I like this one. 340 00:14:16,512 --> 00:14:18,148 Oh, she'll never work with you. 341 00:14:18,215 --> 00:14:19,283 Pick an ugly one. 342 00:14:19,350 --> 00:14:21,087 Well, what about Brandine? 343 00:14:21,154 --> 00:14:23,458 Aw, she'll always be my first love 344 00:14:23,526 --> 00:14:25,863 and second cousin. (exhales) 345 00:14:25,930 --> 00:14:28,034 Well, this was a very good meeting. 346 00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:30,038 And welcome to UPM. 347 00:14:30,105 --> 00:14:32,376 Here's a blank page‐‐ sign it. 348 00:14:32,443 --> 00:14:34,146 We'll fill in the rest. 349 00:14:34,213 --> 00:14:36,017 Give me a hug. 350 00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:37,887 No, that's not a hug. 351 00:14:37,954 --> 00:14:39,691 A Hollywood hug. 352 00:14:39,758 --> 00:14:42,530 - Get him off. Get him off! - (Cletus groans) 353 00:14:42,597 --> 00:14:46,972 And now your picture goes up on our wall of fame. 354 00:14:49,210 --> 00:14:51,247 Bert and Ernie? I don't even think they're living. 355 00:14:51,314 --> 00:14:53,719 Hey, IMDb Bert and Ernie, will you? 356 00:14:53,786 --> 00:14:55,322 Do puppets die? 357 00:14:55,389 --> 00:14:57,259 Hey, why does the Pope have no merchandise? 358 00:14:57,326 --> 00:14:59,898 Can't we come up with a little doohickey you put on your desk 359 00:14:59,965 --> 00:15:02,737 that blows a colored smoke when you're picked for something? 360 00:15:03,739 --> 00:15:05,977 Everything he taught me was a lie. 361 00:15:06,044 --> 00:15:08,683 Maybe, but think what you became. 362 00:15:08,749 --> 00:15:10,352 A better husband. 363 00:15:10,419 --> 00:15:11,855 A better father. 364 00:15:11,922 --> 00:15:13,659 You can still be one. 365 00:15:13,726 --> 00:15:14,828 Nah. 366 00:15:14,895 --> 00:15:17,834 Hmm. Why are my eyes burnin'? 367 00:15:17,901 --> 00:15:19,705 I'm just whippin' up another batch 368 00:15:19,771 --> 00:15:21,842 of my homemade family brew. 369 00:15:21,909 --> 00:15:25,817 Let my longtime corporate mascot tell you all about it. 370 00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:28,154 Spuckler Family Moonshine. 371 00:15:28,221 --> 00:15:30,927 Lovingly distilled in the heart of America. 372 00:15:30,993 --> 00:15:33,365 ANNOUNCER: Spuckler Family Moonshine is distilled in Finland. 373 00:15:33,431 --> 00:15:35,670 Not a single American was employed in its manufacture. 374 00:15:35,737 --> 00:15:37,039 (TV clicks off) 375 00:15:37,106 --> 00:15:38,843 (groans) 376 00:15:41,247 --> 00:15:43,552 You have to help him get back to his family. 377 00:15:43,619 --> 00:15:46,892 Forget it. I'm through with those slack‐jawed, no‐account... 378 00:15:46,959 --> 00:15:51,401 examples of America at its finest. 379 00:15:51,467 --> 00:15:53,471 He was a great man until you ruint him. 380 00:15:53,539 --> 00:15:55,710 With your promises of short underwear 381 00:15:55,777 --> 00:15:57,413 and professional haircuts. 382 00:15:57,479 --> 00:15:59,551 You think you can play God, 383 00:15:59,618 --> 00:16:01,889 wreck my life, and then just walk away? 384 00:16:01,955 --> 00:16:04,661 First of all, I wasn't playing God. 385 00:16:04,728 --> 00:16:06,732 I was doing an original character. 386 00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:09,036 Don't worry, we'll fix this. 387 00:16:09,103 --> 00:16:11,174 I don't know how, but we will. 388 00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:14,413 Unless Homer decides to disregard my wishes completely. 389 00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:16,017 Hmm. 390 00:16:16,083 --> 00:16:17,520 Don't take time! 391 00:16:17,587 --> 00:16:19,423 All right. 392 00:16:23,298 --> 00:16:25,001 (doorbell rings) 393 00:16:25,970 --> 00:16:29,076 What the‐‐? Aw, I thought we was quits. 394 00:16:29,143 --> 00:16:31,280 Listen, pal, you've ruined your life. 395 00:16:31,347 --> 00:16:34,086 You haven't just watched A Star Is Born, you're living it. 396 00:16:34,153 --> 00:16:36,592 No, man. A Star Is Born is about 397 00:16:36,658 --> 00:16:39,129 a star who fades and then kills hisself. 398 00:16:39,196 --> 00:16:41,467 This here is much more like 399 00:16:41,535 --> 00:16:44,273 a nice guy who's seduced by power, 400 00:16:44,340 --> 00:16:47,412 as in Elia Kazan's A Face in the Crowd. 401 00:16:47,479 --> 00:16:49,149 Dang, that's a good'un. 402 00:16:49,216 --> 00:16:51,487 How do you know so much about movies? 403 00:16:51,555 --> 00:16:53,959 Oh, well, Brandine and I once squatted 404 00:16:54,026 --> 00:16:56,330 inside an abandoned Blockbuster. 405 00:16:56,397 --> 00:17:00,673 That's where we conceived our twins: Be Kind and Rewind. 406 00:17:01,675 --> 00:17:04,446 Forget that. You got to go back home where you belong. 407 00:17:04,514 --> 00:17:06,785 Also, you owe me $27,000. 408 00:17:06,852 --> 00:17:10,125 Yeah, I'm afraid I donated that to a children's hospital. 409 00:17:10,191 --> 00:17:11,795 You monster! 410 00:17:11,862 --> 00:17:14,066 Look, Cletus, this isn't you. 411 00:17:14,133 --> 00:17:15,803 What about your family? 412 00:17:15,870 --> 00:17:18,174 Well, my family now is Carrie Underwood, 413 00:17:18,241 --> 00:17:21,080 Taylor Swift and all of them Mumfords. 414 00:17:21,147 --> 00:17:24,788 And everyone in BTS, except for Jungkook. 415 00:17:24,854 --> 00:17:27,994 (chuckles) He's too pretty for my tastes. 416 00:17:28,061 --> 00:17:30,098 Cletus, just answer me one thing: 417 00:17:30,165 --> 00:17:33,606 after a long day of yokeling, don't you miss coming home 418 00:17:33,672 --> 00:17:36,979 to a woman who thinks you're the most important thing on... 419 00:17:37,045 --> 00:17:38,782 God's green Earth? 420 00:17:39,884 --> 00:17:42,590 Well, uh, now that you mention it. 421 00:17:48,201 --> 00:17:52,009 ♪ Then sit by my side ♪ 422 00:17:52,075 --> 00:17:54,480 ♪ If you love me... ♪ 423 00:17:54,547 --> 00:17:57,754 No, no, no, no, no more singin'! 424 00:17:57,820 --> 00:17:59,824 Not even talk singin'! 425 00:17:59,891 --> 00:18:01,828 Which is hardly singin' at all, 426 00:18:01,895 --> 00:18:05,001 Mr. Lin‐Manuel Miranda. 427 00:18:05,068 --> 00:18:07,840 Oh, Gummy Sue... 428 00:18:07,907 --> 00:18:11,480 Jitney, Uber Black, Normal Head Joe, 429 00:18:11,548 --> 00:18:13,986 Disney Plus, oh, HBO Max, 430 00:18:14,053 --> 00:18:16,057 CBS All Access! 431 00:18:16,123 --> 00:18:20,198 Oh, man, they's all so beautiful. 432 00:18:20,265 --> 00:18:23,404 (sniffles) I'm goin' back to my family! 433 00:18:23,471 --> 00:18:25,576 Cancel my tour dates! 434 00:18:25,643 --> 00:18:27,379 Burn my masters! 435 00:18:27,446 --> 00:18:29,517 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, let's not get crazy. 436 00:18:29,584 --> 00:18:31,253 You saved my life, Homer. 437 00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:34,661 And then you ruined it, and then you saved it again. 438 00:18:34,728 --> 00:18:37,934 And for that, I am forever neutral. 439 00:18:39,771 --> 00:18:41,541 AGENT: Listen to how I say this. 440 00:18:41,608 --> 00:18:43,612 It's something everybody says, 441 00:18:43,679 --> 00:18:45,950 but I say it better than anybody else. 442 00:18:46,016 --> 00:18:47,452 How are you? 443 00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:49,423 ‐Well, I don't‐‐ ‐(shushes) 444 00:18:49,490 --> 00:18:51,060 Don't talk. Just listen. 445 00:18:51,127 --> 00:18:53,632 You're gonna be a brand. 446 00:18:53,699 --> 00:18:56,303 I want to tell your stories. Tell me your story. 447 00:18:56,370 --> 00:18:58,274 Not the person they see on the court. 448 00:18:58,341 --> 00:19:01,313 Well, my family didn't have much money, and Daddy used to... 449 00:19:01,380 --> 00:19:03,317 That is so relatable. 450 00:19:03,384 --> 00:19:04,854 Not to me. I'm rich. 451 00:19:04,921 --> 00:19:07,492 But, God, I always wanted to live in poverty. 452 00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:10,666 Now, all I ask is 15% of your earnings for life. 453 00:19:10,733 --> 00:19:13,004 Not your whole life. After 80, it's all yours. 454 00:19:13,070 --> 00:19:16,243 And when you retire, you're gonna get a Netflix special. 455 00:19:16,310 --> 00:19:18,582 Actually, everybody gets a Netflix special. 456 00:19:18,649 --> 00:19:20,018 Why do they even call them that? 457 00:19:20,084 --> 00:19:22,189 They should call them Netflix normals. 458 00:19:22,255 --> 00:19:24,694 You want a Netflix normal? We'll get it for you. 459 00:19:24,761 --> 00:19:27,567 You want the Obamas to produce? You got it. 460 00:19:27,633 --> 00:19:29,871 Not Barack or Michelle‐‐ that's impossible. 461 00:19:29,938 --> 00:19:32,409 Check on Malia, please! 462 00:19:32,475 --> 00:19:34,213 Malia. 463 00:19:34,279 --> 00:19:35,916 No, it's not a country! 464 00:19:35,983 --> 00:19:39,156 - Can I just say...? - (shushing) 465 00:19:39,223 --> 00:19:40,826 You don't have to talk. 466 00:19:40,893 --> 00:19:43,999 Not unless you're getting paid a million dollars a word. 467 00:19:44,066 --> 00:19:46,671 And some of those words can be "a" or "the." 468 00:19:46,738 --> 00:19:49,109 Listen, never say "won't" again. 469 00:19:49,176 --> 00:19:52,182 Say "will not." 'Cause that's $2 million. 470 00:19:52,249 --> 00:19:54,152 That's a Bentley. 471 00:19:54,219 --> 00:19:56,357 Have you ever been interested in a roofing company? 472 00:19:56,423 --> 00:19:57,860 You're very tall. 473 00:19:57,927 --> 00:19:59,864 You're much closer to roofs than most people. 474 00:19:59,931 --> 00:20:01,534 (gasps) How about this? 475 00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:03,872 I can book you as a freak in a monster movie. 476 00:20:03,939 --> 00:20:07,245 Or a dinosaur. You're as big as a small dinosaur. 477 00:20:08,281 --> 00:20:10,719 We're trying to develop an animated musical 478 00:20:10,786 --> 00:20:13,792 about the dinosaurs that survived the comet. 479 00:20:13,859 --> 00:20:15,629 You could play a small dinosaur. 480 00:20:15,696 --> 00:20:17,232 You jump out from a tree. 481 00:20:17,299 --> 00:20:18,802 You sing a song. 482 00:20:18,869 --> 00:20:20,204 We've already got one written. 483 00:20:20,271 --> 00:20:22,042 It's called "I'm Still Here." 484 00:20:22,108 --> 00:20:24,046 Am I, am I reaching you? 485 00:20:24,112 --> 00:20:25,281 Just sign already. 486 00:20:33,097 --> 00:20:35,335 Okay. Looking for the next musical superstar here. 487 00:20:35,669 --> 00:20:36,771 Uh, Barney, 488 00:20:37,172 --> 00:20:40,278 see what you can do with this piccolo. 489 00:20:40,345 --> 00:20:41,715 (groans) 490 00:20:41,781 --> 00:20:44,887 Lady, you look like a cellist to me. 491 00:20:44,954 --> 00:20:46,925 (grunting, muttering) 492 00:20:46,992 --> 00:20:48,461 - Forget that. - (cello crashes) 493 00:20:48,528 --> 00:20:49,964 Jailbird, what about you? 494 00:20:50,031 --> 00:20:52,937 Um, I play the hacksaw. 495 00:20:53,004 --> 00:20:54,707 Hacksaw. Hacksaw. 496 00:20:54,774 --> 00:20:57,813 - Ah, here you go. - All right! 497 00:20:57,880 --> 00:21:02,222 Uh, my first number is "We've Gotta Get Out of This Place." 498 00:21:02,288 --> 00:21:05,495 I love it! Let me hear that sweet, sweet sound. 499 00:21:05,562 --> 00:21:07,499 (hacksaw sawing) 500 00:21:07,566 --> 00:21:11,273 Ah, that is some beautiful hacksawing. 501 00:21:11,340 --> 00:21:13,277 Ah, yeah. 502 00:21:13,344 --> 00:21:15,248 Soothing. Ooh! 503 00:21:15,314 --> 00:21:18,120 Soon, I'm gonna be doing some sawing myself. 504 00:21:18,187 --> 00:21:20,124 Ah, yeah. (chuckles) 505 00:21:20,191 --> 00:21:22,028 Oh, yeah. 506 00:21:29,176 --> 00:21:30,612 Shh! 507 00:21:30,679 --> 00:21:31,857 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 508 00:21:31,881 --> 00:21:33,117 FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 509 00:21:33,184 --> 00:21:34,720 And FORD. We go further, so you can.