1 00:00:08,901 --> 00:00:10,509 (shuts off engine) 2 00:00:13,180 --> 00:00:15,764 Welcome back, sir. 3 00:00:16,925 --> 00:00:19,059 (indistinct chatter) 4 00:00:24,007 --> 00:00:25,357 Oh, Artemis, 5 00:00:25,509 --> 00:00:27,192 you wouldn't believe what my customers 6 00:00:27,344 --> 00:00:28,676 unloaded on me tonight. 7 00:00:28,729 --> 00:00:31,104 Crappy marriages, crappy jobs, 8 00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:33,681 crappy sports teams. (groans) 9 00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:35,425 My ears are killin' me. 10 00:00:35,519 --> 00:00:37,611 That's why the Confidential is here, 11 00:00:37,763 --> 00:00:38,945 to share your burden. 12 00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:40,447 Just give me the usual, huh? 13 00:00:40,599 --> 00:00:43,667 (chuckles) As if we served anything else. 14 00:00:46,881 --> 00:00:48,455 (sipping) 15 00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:49,773 (sighing) 16 00:00:49,792 --> 00:00:51,108 To the Confidential, 17 00:00:51,126 --> 00:00:54,136 the one bar where they listen to the listeners. 18 00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,949 Come on. We got to get a seat in the front row. 19 00:00:58,967 --> 00:01:02,210 If anything flies off the stage, I want to be in the Stain Zone. 20 00:01:03,138 --> 00:01:04,805 I'm sorry, Krusty, but there's no way 21 00:01:04,899 --> 00:01:07,882 we can seat this audience until we round up all the escaped, 22 00:01:07,976 --> 00:01:09,985 uh, you-know-whats. 23 00:01:10,813 --> 00:01:13,313 -(hissing) -(yelling) 24 00:01:13,465 --> 00:01:15,649 Tough luck, kids. The show's canceled. 25 00:01:15,801 --> 00:01:19,661 I'm going down to the deli to drown my sorrows in tongue. 26 00:01:20,989 --> 00:01:22,306 (Milhouse groans) 27 00:01:23,309 --> 00:01:25,659 What about this upside-down exclamation mark show? 28 00:01:25,811 --> 00:01:28,087 Upside down is funny. 29 00:01:29,815 --> 00:01:32,165 -(playing "Flight of the Bumblebee") -Desde Downtown Springfield, 30 00:01:32,318 --> 00:01:35,168 es ¡Noches con Abejorrito! 31 00:01:35,321 --> 00:01:37,745 ¡Y ahora El Hombre Abejorro! 32 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:40,490 (cheering) 33 00:01:40,509 --> 00:01:43,936 ¡No se duerman, o les voy a picar! 34 00:01:44,163 --> 00:01:45,437 (laughing) 35 00:01:45,589 --> 00:01:47,922 Milhouse, you know Spanish. What did he say? 36 00:01:47,942 --> 00:01:50,091 Oh, it's a cultural thing. 37 00:01:50,111 --> 00:01:53,353 You wouldn't get it. Estúpido. 38 00:01:53,505 --> 00:01:57,007 ...y luego, había un escorpión en mis pantalones. 39 00:01:57,100 --> 00:01:59,601 (laughs) Pantalones. 40 00:01:59,695 --> 00:02:01,787 (siren wailing) 41 00:02:02,014 --> 00:02:03,956 ¡Una visita de mi primito! 42 00:02:04,107 --> 00:02:07,367 Eso significa que es tiempo de jugar... 43 00:02:07,519 --> 00:02:10,871 ¡No... Te... 'splotes! 44 00:02:10,965 --> 00:02:13,190 Presentado por la Monja Humilde, 45 00:02:13,283 --> 00:02:15,208 la horchata más divina. 46 00:02:15,361 --> 00:02:18,554 Hermanas, traigame unos concursantes. 47 00:02:21,533 --> 00:02:23,225 ¡Ay, caramba! 48 00:02:25,053 --> 00:02:28,038 It's a game. They fill your mouth with horchata, 49 00:02:28,131 --> 00:02:30,482 and if you don't laugh, you win a prize! 50 00:02:33,136 --> 00:02:36,155 ¡O, Bebito Abuelito! 51 00:02:36,306 --> 00:02:37,680 (cheering, laughing) 52 00:02:38,717 --> 00:02:43,220 ¿Cuáles son las vacas más perezosas? 53 00:02:43,238 --> 00:02:45,906 ¡Las vacaciones! 54 00:02:46,058 --> 00:02:46,981 (spitting) 55 00:02:47,075 --> 00:02:48,892 (laughing) 56 00:02:48,911 --> 00:02:51,486 ¡Nuestro ganador! 57 00:02:51,580 --> 00:02:52,754 (cheering) 58 00:02:55,009 --> 00:02:56,592 Pick your prize! 59 00:02:57,845 --> 00:03:00,345 (audience booing) 60 00:03:01,256 --> 00:03:04,016 ♪ ♪ 61 00:03:07,579 --> 00:03:11,915 Grandpa Baby, this is the easiest choice I've ever made. 62 00:03:12,008 --> 00:03:14,751 Look what I won on Spanish Krusty! 63 00:03:14,770 --> 00:03:16,436 (spits) 64 00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:17,754 Oh, my God. 65 00:03:17,847 --> 00:03:19,773 That is not just any crystal skull. 66 00:03:19,925 --> 00:03:21,425 It's Calavera Gritando! 67 00:03:21,443 --> 00:03:23,184 That tequila's so authentic 68 00:03:23,204 --> 00:03:24,870 that it inspired George Clooney 69 00:03:25,097 --> 00:03:27,855 to make his own semi-authentic tequila. 70 00:03:27,950 --> 00:03:29,708 Wait, my skull is full of booze? 71 00:03:29,859 --> 00:03:31,877 That's why it has a screw cap. 72 00:03:32,028 --> 00:03:33,286 Bart, you've got to give it to me. 73 00:03:33,439 --> 00:03:35,363 I've always wanted to drink something fancy enough 74 00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:37,883 to come in a bottle that doesn't look like a bottle. 75 00:03:38,034 --> 00:03:40,034 Nah. I think I'm gonna save it. 76 00:03:40,128 --> 00:03:41,202 For high school. 77 00:03:41,255 --> 00:03:42,279 Come on. Gimme that! 78 00:03:42,372 --> 00:03:44,130 Bart won that skull full of tequila. 79 00:03:44,225 --> 00:03:46,708 He can do whatever he wants with it, 80 00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:48,301 except drink the tequila. 81 00:03:48,454 --> 00:03:50,545 Sorry, Homer. Game, set, skull. 82 00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:52,806 (cackling) 83 00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:53,957 (yelps) 84 00:03:54,050 --> 00:03:56,735 (audience cheering on TV) 85 00:03:56,886 --> 00:03:59,029 (Homer grunting) 86 00:04:02,134 --> 00:04:03,742 Huh? (moans) 87 00:04:03,893 --> 00:04:06,636 ANNOUNCER: Coming up now, we got a special dedication 88 00:04:06,730 --> 00:04:09,139 to Homer S. from his son Bart. 89 00:04:09,232 --> 00:04:11,491 ("Tequila" playing) 90 00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,994 I like how there are no lyrics to upset me. 91 00:04:14,088 --> 00:04:16,296 (singing along) 92 00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:20,575 ♪ Tequila. ♪ 93 00:04:20,669 --> 00:04:22,577 D'oh! 94 00:04:22,671 --> 00:04:24,012 (tires screech) 95 00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:27,266 Isn't that your dad? 96 00:04:27,417 --> 00:04:29,059 No. 97 00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:35,148 (speaking Spanish) 98 00:04:36,168 --> 00:04:36,683 (snickers) 99 00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,184 I may not speak Spanish, 100 00:04:38,279 --> 00:04:42,030 but I know when an imaginary talking skull is mocking me. 101 00:04:56,188 --> 00:04:58,463 (cackling quietly) 102 00:04:59,525 --> 00:05:00,281 Gentlemen, 103 00:05:00,301 --> 00:05:03,951 I give you Calavera Gritando! 104 00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,712 (all gasping) 105 00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,531 Whoa, a crystal skull. 106 00:05:07,624 --> 00:05:10,033 Like from my least favorite Indiana Jones movie 107 00:05:10,126 --> 00:05:12,644 and most favorite Shia LaBeouf movie. 108 00:05:12,796 --> 00:05:14,646 Okay, this booze is so classy, 109 00:05:14,798 --> 00:05:16,222 I'm finally breaking out 110 00:05:16,375 --> 00:05:18,892 my commemorative Iran hostage crisis shot glasses. 111 00:05:19,044 --> 00:05:19,985 (blows) 112 00:05:20,136 --> 00:05:21,711 Look at these guys. 113 00:05:21,730 --> 00:05:23,405 Now, those were hostages. 114 00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:29,811 Hey, Moe, why don't you pour yourself one for a change? 115 00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,997 Me? Nah, nah, that's okay. 116 00:05:32,224 --> 00:05:34,982 The pouring is enough of a thrill. 117 00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:37,577 Come on. You're always on that side of the bar. 118 00:05:37,729 --> 00:05:40,263 At least come over here and take a load off. 119 00:05:40,323 --> 00:05:43,216 Well, maybe it wouldn't hurt none. 120 00:05:44,069 --> 00:05:45,010 (shudders) 121 00:05:45,161 --> 00:05:46,586 So this is sittin'. 122 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:48,680 You know, Moe, all these years, 123 00:05:48,907 --> 00:05:49,923 we've never seen you drink. 124 00:05:50,075 --> 00:05:51,257 Well, you know, a bartender 125 00:05:51,352 --> 00:05:53,000 ain't supposed to drink with his regulars. 126 00:05:53,095 --> 00:05:54,335 It's frowned upon. 127 00:05:54,429 --> 00:05:55,187 By whom? 128 00:05:55,338 --> 00:05:57,097 Not some secret society 129 00:05:57,249 --> 00:05:58,932 that I go to every night after closing time, 130 00:05:59,084 --> 00:06:00,417 if that's what you're thinking. 131 00:06:00,435 --> 00:06:03,010 Look, I'm just the schlub that pours the booze. 132 00:06:03,105 --> 00:06:04,178 That's all. 133 00:06:04,198 --> 00:06:06,848 Moe, you're not just our bartender. 134 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:09,183 You're our friend. 135 00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:11,018 Friend? You mean that? 136 00:06:11,113 --> 00:06:14,373 Well, maybe it's just my relaxed butt cheeks talking, 137 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:16,190 but, uh, down the hatch! 138 00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:18,043 Woof. (chuckles) 139 00:06:18,270 --> 00:06:20,712 I haven't had anything this expensive in my mouth 140 00:06:20,864 --> 00:06:22,606 since my dad's gun. 141 00:06:22,699 --> 00:06:23,790 (laughs) 142 00:06:23,942 --> 00:06:25,700 -(laughing) -Yeah. Go, Moe. 143 00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:26,943 -Go, Moe. -Now you got it. 144 00:06:26,962 --> 00:06:28,762 (cackling) 145 00:06:37,422 --> 00:06:40,732 I think you're pretty cool, too, skull. 146 00:06:40,884 --> 00:06:43,026 ♪ ♪ 147 00:06:47,966 --> 00:06:49,149 (groans) Oh, my head. 148 00:06:49,301 --> 00:06:51,368 Oh, what a hangover. 149 00:06:52,471 --> 00:06:54,246 (grunting) 150 00:06:54,397 --> 00:06:56,665 Ah, that's actually a little better. 151 00:06:57,918 --> 00:06:59,233 Hmm. 152 00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:00,477 Oh, no. 153 00:07:00,495 --> 00:07:03,997 Oh, no! Last night's all coming back to me. 154 00:07:04,149 --> 00:07:06,258 ("Tequila" playing) 155 00:07:06,485 --> 00:07:08,510 (shouting) 156 00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:13,414 -Whoa! Yeah! -Yay! 157 00:07:13,434 --> 00:07:15,434 ♪ ♪ 158 00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:22,441 Let's go show the world how much fun it is 159 00:07:22,668 --> 00:07:25,502 when drunk guys do stuff in public! 160 00:07:25,595 --> 00:07:27,187 Baba-boo! 161 00:07:27,339 --> 00:07:30,115 ♪ ♪ 162 00:07:34,696 --> 00:07:36,663 ♪ ♪ 163 00:07:38,850 --> 00:07:40,942 (groaning, barking) 164 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,519 (snorting) 165 00:07:42,612 --> 00:07:45,505 (barking, snorting) 166 00:07:47,693 --> 00:07:49,468 Excuse me, could you move? 167 00:07:49,695 --> 00:07:52,028 My husband and I would like to sit on this bench 168 00:07:52,047 --> 00:07:55,532 and comment on how the elephant seals are "living the life." 169 00:07:55,550 --> 00:07:58,034 It's the only joke in our entire marriage. 170 00:07:58,127 --> 00:08:00,553 Oh, that's not what I hear. 171 00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:02,372 The real joke is that you two 172 00:08:02,390 --> 00:08:04,874 haven't pushed the ole twin beds together 173 00:08:04,968 --> 00:08:06,651 since before the election. 174 00:08:06,878 --> 00:08:08,302 Of Obama. 175 00:08:08,396 --> 00:08:09,488 To the Senate! 176 00:08:09,639 --> 00:08:11,064 (laughing) 177 00:08:11,216 --> 00:08:13,383 How'd you know about their sexless marriage? 178 00:08:13,401 --> 00:08:16,720 Oh, Mrs. Lovejoy blabbed about it to her bartender, 179 00:08:16,813 --> 00:08:17,979 who then told me. 180 00:08:18,073 --> 00:08:20,223 Hey, wait, you bartenders tell each other 181 00:08:20,316 --> 00:08:23,059 the stuff we say in drunken confidence? 182 00:08:23,078 --> 00:08:24,577 Oh, we sure do. 183 00:08:24,730 --> 00:08:26,004 Look what else I know. 184 00:08:26,231 --> 00:08:30,157 You file your taxes as one person. 185 00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:33,828 You sell all your pets each time you go on vacation. 186 00:08:33,922 --> 00:08:35,572 Hey, you're two-timing us 187 00:08:35,590 --> 00:08:38,183 by also being the mayor of another town. 188 00:08:38,334 --> 00:08:41,261 I swear, Greenview means nothing to me. 189 00:08:41,413 --> 00:08:43,413 Hey, I love hot goss as much as the next guy, 190 00:08:43,431 --> 00:08:45,248 but maybe you shouldn't be spilling 191 00:08:45,267 --> 00:08:47,359 -people's secrets. -Secrets. 192 00:08:47,510 --> 00:08:50,603 You mean like you not asking anyone out on a date in years 193 00:08:50,756 --> 00:08:54,032 because you're ashamed of your wet spaghetti arms? 194 00:08:54,183 --> 00:08:56,442 What woman could feel held by these? 195 00:08:56,537 --> 00:09:00,855 Or how you keep yammering about your million-dollar invention? 196 00:09:00,949 --> 00:09:03,024 File the patent already, you coward. 197 00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:04,859 Or how 'bout Barney over here? 198 00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:08,362 Always going on about how much you love your mother, 199 00:09:08,531 --> 00:09:10,865 but you haven't visited her in years. 200 00:09:10,959 --> 00:09:13,109 She still thinks I work at Autozone. 201 00:09:13,128 --> 00:09:18,056 I can't tell her they fired me for huffing floormat cleaner! 202 00:09:19,709 --> 00:09:24,211 Moe, you've officially gone from fun drunk to mean drunk. 203 00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:25,880 You judging me? 204 00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,791 You're the one who said you're so scared 205 00:09:27,809 --> 00:09:29,809 of being a lousy father and husband 206 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,311 that you hide out at the bar 207 00:09:31,405 --> 00:09:34,239 instead of going home and actually tryin'. 208 00:09:34,466 --> 00:09:35,991 (gasps) 209 00:09:38,227 --> 00:09:40,136 You're worse than a mean drunk. 210 00:09:40,155 --> 00:09:42,229 You're an honest drunk! 211 00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,565 No! You guys are the drunks. 212 00:09:44,659 --> 00:09:47,477 I am just wasted. 213 00:09:47,570 --> 00:09:49,337 Baba-boo. 214 00:09:51,149 --> 00:09:52,424 Okay, Moe. 215 00:09:52,575 --> 00:09:55,318 You did what no bartender ever should've done. 216 00:09:55,337 --> 00:09:58,579 But maybe, just maybe, they won't find out. 217 00:09:58,673 --> 00:09:59,639 (squeaking) 218 00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:03,084 (gasps) The Confidential. 219 00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:04,177 They found out. 220 00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:06,087 All right there, Kristof. 221 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,514 Time for me to answer for my sins. 222 00:10:08,609 --> 00:10:10,834 Lead the way. 223 00:10:10,927 --> 00:10:13,445 Frickin' Kristof. 224 00:10:14,689 --> 00:10:16,948 Yeah, so, I, uh... I got your rat. 225 00:10:17,100 --> 00:10:19,659 Look, I know I screwed up, but that... 226 00:10:22,230 --> 00:10:23,529 ARTEMIS: Since time immemorial, 227 00:10:23,698 --> 00:10:26,349 bartenders have been the cornerstone of civilization, 228 00:10:26,368 --> 00:10:28,776 an eternal guild of listeners. 229 00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:30,478 And so a paradox: 230 00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:33,447 for to whom could bartenders confide their secrets? 231 00:10:33,467 --> 00:10:36,283 Thus was born the Confidential, 232 00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:40,180 a hidden society of those who listen to the listeners. 233 00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:44,033 But this institution will crumble to dust 234 00:10:44,127 --> 00:10:46,311 if we do not obey its first and only law-- 235 00:10:46,462 --> 00:10:49,314 "A bartender keeps his secrets!" 236 00:10:50,651 --> 00:10:52,876 Look, Artemis, I know I shouldn't have got wasted 237 00:10:52,894 --> 00:10:54,635 and blabbed the unblabbable. 238 00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:58,715 It's just, for once, I wanted to have a drink with my friends. 239 00:10:58,733 --> 00:11:00,717 A bartender has no friends! 240 00:11:00,735 --> 00:11:03,887 Mr. Szyslak, your tab is closed. 241 00:11:03,980 --> 00:11:05,312 Surrender your key, sir. 242 00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:07,499 Well, them's the rules, I guess. 243 00:11:07,650 --> 00:11:09,316 It was nice being part of a place 244 00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:12,245 that was bigger than me and also super weird. 245 00:11:12,397 --> 00:11:13,838 Uh-- What the... 246 00:11:13,990 --> 00:11:17,175 The penalty for your offense is far greater than mere expulsion. 247 00:11:17,402 --> 00:11:20,586 Your friends, your regulars are to be... 248 00:11:20,739 --> 00:11:22,013 cut off. 249 00:11:22,165 --> 00:11:24,182 (glass breaking) 250 00:11:24,409 --> 00:11:26,075 Cut off?! No. No, that's too horrible. 251 00:11:26,094 --> 00:11:28,002 You can't do that to them! 252 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:30,246 You did this to them. 253 00:11:30,339 --> 00:11:32,582 They have until the clock strikes... 254 00:11:32,675 --> 00:11:35,101 happy hour. 255 00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:38,512 Tick, tock, Mr. Szyslak. Tick, tock. 256 00:11:38,532 --> 00:11:40,699 Guys, you're all in danger! You... 257 00:11:40,850 --> 00:11:43,760 Oh, sorry. I've never been in your office before. 258 00:11:43,853 --> 00:11:45,186 Any office, for that matter. 259 00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:47,780 Yeesh. Now I get why you all drink so much. 260 00:11:47,933 --> 00:11:49,356 You've got a lot of nerve coming here, 261 00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:51,543 after what you said last night. 262 00:11:51,694 --> 00:11:53,712 I know, I know, but this is serious, okay? 263 00:11:53,863 --> 00:11:55,714 Some very scary people are mad 264 00:11:55,865 --> 00:11:57,790 for all that drunken blabbing I did, 265 00:11:57,943 --> 00:12:00,109 so you're being... cut off! 266 00:12:00,128 --> 00:12:03,370 So what? You already lost us as customers. 267 00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,706 No, no, you don't get it. Cut off. 268 00:12:05,726 --> 00:12:07,058 Aah. There isn't much time, 269 00:12:07,285 --> 00:12:09,285 but I'm gonna keep being cagey about it. 270 00:12:09,378 --> 00:12:11,045 Oh, wait a minute. Where's Barney? 271 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,713 Barney doesn't work here. 272 00:12:12,766 --> 00:12:14,399 Really? Seems like he would. 273 00:12:14,550 --> 00:12:16,851 Yeah, that would lead to some good stories, all right. 274 00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:18,903 Hurry, call him. Call him! 275 00:12:19,055 --> 00:12:21,147 Mm. Fine. 276 00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:25,635 Well, if it isn't the meanest drunk in town. 277 00:12:25,728 --> 00:12:27,579 Barn, it's happy hour. 278 00:12:27,806 --> 00:12:30,231 You got to lock your doors and windows right away! 279 00:12:30,325 --> 00:12:33,251 During the best time of day for ocean breezes? 280 00:12:33,402 --> 00:12:34,919 -No dice. -Look out for the dapper gentleman! 281 00:12:35,146 --> 00:12:37,905 Ow! Damn vampire bats! 282 00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:39,148 What the hell was that? 283 00:12:39,167 --> 00:12:41,242 He's been injected with Antibooze-- 284 00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:45,246 a drug that makes it so he can never drink again. 285 00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,432 Antibooze? That stuff isn't real. 286 00:12:47,583 --> 00:12:49,993 Oh, it's real, and the side effects are horrible, 287 00:12:50,011 --> 00:12:51,344 unthinkable! 288 00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:53,846 It starts with a skull-splitting headache. 289 00:12:53,999 --> 00:12:56,232 (yelling) 290 00:12:59,428 --> 00:13:02,030 Then you got your firehose sweating. 291 00:13:03,675 --> 00:13:05,450 Rhinoceros pox. 292 00:13:07,028 --> 00:13:09,512 And finally, hurricane vomiting. 293 00:13:09,531 --> 00:13:13,041 (liquid pouring and prolonged yelling on screen) 294 00:13:17,798 --> 00:13:19,798 (sighs) He's been cut off. 295 00:13:20,025 --> 00:13:21,782 And now they're coming for you. 296 00:13:21,802 --> 00:13:25,545 If they catch ya, you can never touch alcohol again. 297 00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:27,138 No! No! 298 00:13:27,290 --> 00:13:29,641 Wait. What about rum cakes and other boozy desserts? 299 00:13:29,792 --> 00:13:31,200 Never again. 300 00:13:31,294 --> 00:13:33,478 No! 301 00:13:39,727 --> 00:13:41,694 (buzzing) 302 00:13:50,572 --> 00:13:54,574 Run faster. Every bartender in town is coming after youse guys. 303 00:13:54,726 --> 00:13:58,086 All because I couldn't keep my drunken trap shut! 304 00:13:59,731 --> 00:14:02,415 Well, how many bartenders could there be in Springfield? 305 00:14:02,567 --> 00:14:06,419 How many people in this town are miserable at work and at home? 306 00:14:06,571 --> 00:14:08,263 Oh, my God. 307 00:14:28,017 --> 00:14:29,425 You guys, get out of here! 308 00:14:29,444 --> 00:14:31,995 I'll hold 'em off... with this. 309 00:14:33,631 --> 00:14:36,291 (grunting) 310 00:14:45,534 --> 00:14:48,277 Wow. He's like a ninja with that crotch rag. 311 00:14:48,296 --> 00:14:50,555 That disgusting towel is a blur! 312 00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:55,968 (panting) 313 00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:58,304 (Moe grunts, electrical buzzing) 314 00:14:58,456 --> 00:14:59,564 (electrical buzzing and snapping) 315 00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:01,958 (all panting) 316 00:15:01,976 --> 00:15:03,809 This is no way to live. 317 00:15:03,962 --> 00:15:05,886 Hunted. Hunted like dinosaurs. 318 00:15:05,980 --> 00:15:07,980 What are we supposed to do now? 319 00:15:08,133 --> 00:15:09,556 If you ever want to drink again, 320 00:15:09,651 --> 00:15:12,059 all you can do is get on the next bus out of town 321 00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:13,636 and never stop running. 322 00:15:13,655 --> 00:15:15,288 Sounds like a plan. 323 00:15:16,824 --> 00:15:17,916 (both grunt) 324 00:15:18,067 --> 00:15:20,067 (moaning) 325 00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:22,337 (speaking German) 326 00:15:25,316 --> 00:15:27,166 Those poor bastards. 327 00:15:27,318 --> 00:15:29,318 I must keen for them. 328 00:15:29,412 --> 00:15:31,679 (loud, sorrowful keening) 329 00:15:33,249 --> 00:15:34,840 Forget it, Homer. 330 00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:37,143 They're non-drinkers now. 331 00:15:38,496 --> 00:15:41,088 Marge, pack what you need and choose one kid. 332 00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:42,756 We're leaving Springfield forever. 333 00:15:42,850 --> 00:15:44,758 That's ridiculous, Homie. 334 00:15:44,852 --> 00:15:46,669 Look who dropped by for dinner. 335 00:15:46,762 --> 00:15:48,095 Hello, Homer. 336 00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:50,097 Dad, Dr. Hibbert was just telling us 337 00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:52,508 how he worked his way through medical school. 338 00:15:52,527 --> 00:15:55,178 I think you'd be interested to hear how I did it. 339 00:15:55,271 --> 00:15:58,122 -I would? -Bartending. 340 00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:03,753 (screaming) 341 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:08,374 Who wants mushroom caps? 342 00:16:08,526 --> 00:16:10,026 (screams) 343 00:16:10,044 --> 00:16:11,544 I'm so sorry, Homer. 344 00:16:11,696 --> 00:16:14,380 And Midge, your husband can never drink again, 345 00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:16,599 and it's all because of me. (cries) 346 00:16:17,626 --> 00:16:20,353 (cheering) 347 00:16:22,056 --> 00:16:23,648 Good morning, family. 348 00:16:23,799 --> 00:16:25,632 Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. 349 00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:29,153 You sure I can't make you some oatmeal with blueberries? 350 00:16:29,305 --> 00:16:31,322 Not today, honey. I promised to pick up coffee 351 00:16:31,549 --> 00:16:34,400 for everyone on my team to celebrate our record numbers. 352 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:38,162 You are so much more of a go-getter since your promotion. 353 00:16:38,314 --> 00:16:40,981 I love this new, sober you. 354 00:16:41,001 --> 00:16:43,984 And I love any version of you. 355 00:16:44,078 --> 00:16:45,895 Mmm, mmm. 356 00:16:45,913 --> 00:16:47,563 -(coughing) -Get a room! 357 00:16:47,656 --> 00:16:50,491 Bart, I haven't forgotten about your skateboard competition. 358 00:16:50,585 --> 00:16:52,010 And don't worry, Lisa. 359 00:16:52,161 --> 00:16:53,827 It'll be over in plenty of time 360 00:16:53,847 --> 00:16:56,422 for me to be front and center at your recital. 361 00:16:56,574 --> 00:16:58,516 Ooh! (sputtering) 362 00:16:58,667 --> 00:17:01,260 (giggling) 363 00:17:01,412 --> 00:17:03,688 Well, off to the salt mines. 364 00:17:03,915 --> 00:17:05,273 (humming cheerily) 365 00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:10,102 Well, this is a coincidence. 366 00:17:10,196 --> 00:17:13,698 I haven't seen you guys since, uh, you know. 367 00:17:13,849 --> 00:17:16,759 Geez, it would've had to have been the syringings? 368 00:17:16,778 --> 00:17:20,187 Yeah, finally got in shape. Not drinking all day every day 369 00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:22,689 really freed up a lot of time for me to work out. 370 00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:26,602 And as soon as I filed my patent, my start-up got funded. 371 00:17:26,621 --> 00:17:29,955 Soon, everyone in America will have their own personal 372 00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:32,050 body-hair-shaving mini robot. 373 00:17:32,277 --> 00:17:33,793 That's you? (gasps) 374 00:17:33,945 --> 00:17:35,720 I love my Groomba! 375 00:17:35,871 --> 00:17:37,371 (buzzing) 376 00:17:37,465 --> 00:17:39,873 And I got my job back at Autozone, 377 00:17:39,967 --> 00:17:41,893 so I could finally face my ma. 378 00:17:42,044 --> 00:17:45,805 He holds the big arrow that says "Autozone." 379 00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:48,048 Yeah, I guess we're all doing pretty well. 380 00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:49,642 You know who I heard ain't? 381 00:17:49,794 --> 00:17:51,718 A certain bartender. 382 00:17:51,813 --> 00:17:53,738 You won't believe how low he's sunk. 383 00:17:53,889 --> 00:17:55,981 It would be nice to laugh at someone 384 00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:58,993 living their lowest moment. 385 00:18:02,565 --> 00:18:05,083 I asked for the ham in my omelet to be diced. 386 00:18:05,234 --> 00:18:07,343 This ham is clearly cubed. 387 00:18:07,345 --> 00:18:09,979 Yes, ma'am. Uh, right away, ma'am. 388 00:18:09,997 --> 00:18:11,981 You flipped my omelet too high in the air, 389 00:18:11,999 --> 00:18:13,925 and it got cold on the descent. 390 00:18:14,076 --> 00:18:17,011 My mistake, sir. I'm sorry, sir. 391 00:18:20,158 --> 00:18:23,601 I wanted to see him low, but not eggs-on-demand low. 392 00:18:23,752 --> 00:18:27,355 I bet he doesn't even have a shotgun under that bar. 393 00:18:28,666 --> 00:18:31,609 Get out of here. You can't see me like this. 394 00:18:31,836 --> 00:18:36,155 Slingin' eggs in a well-lit, non-dank environment. 395 00:18:41,863 --> 00:18:43,955 I can't believe I'm saying this. 396 00:18:44,182 --> 00:18:45,848 We're all saying it. 397 00:18:45,867 --> 00:18:48,017 Even though we can never drink again, 398 00:18:48,035 --> 00:18:50,962 we still want you as our bartender. 399 00:18:51,189 --> 00:18:53,038 You... you mean it? 400 00:18:53,191 --> 00:18:54,707 -Yeah. -We do. -Mm-hmm. 401 00:18:54,859 --> 00:18:59,637 From now on, you can spray your own pans, America! Ha. 402 00:19:02,367 --> 00:19:04,267 (cheering) 403 00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:09,063 There you go, fellas. Bottoms up. 404 00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:11,983 To Moe, our friend. 405 00:19:12,210 --> 00:19:14,560 Nah, nah, guys. I'm something better. 406 00:19:14,712 --> 00:19:16,245 Your bartender. 407 00:19:16,247 --> 00:19:18,156 Who knew you could drink water in a bar? 408 00:19:18,307 --> 00:19:20,232 It's, uh, still watered down. 409 00:19:20,385 --> 00:19:22,493 -(laughter) -Good one, Moe. 410 00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:25,738 (laughter continues) 411 00:19:25,890 --> 00:19:28,557 Well, I have never seen such a perfect distillation 412 00:19:28,651 --> 00:19:30,168 of the human spirit. 413 00:19:30,395 --> 00:19:33,579 A cocktail of humility and self-sacrifice 414 00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:35,898 with a dash of un-bitters. 415 00:19:35,991 --> 00:19:37,400 (chuckles) 416 00:19:37,418 --> 00:19:39,568 Whoa, Artemis. What are you doing here? 417 00:19:39,662 --> 00:19:42,905 Such loyalty to a bartender deserves a reward. 418 00:19:42,998 --> 00:19:45,499 The antidote to Antibooze. 419 00:19:45,593 --> 00:19:47,076 (all gasping) 420 00:19:47,094 --> 00:19:49,578 Now, think carefully, chaps. 421 00:19:49,672 --> 00:19:54,066 Once injected, you will lose all the benefits of sobriety. 422 00:19:59,924 --> 00:20:02,116 Go away, Ma. 423 00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:04,994 (gulping) 424 00:20:07,022 --> 00:20:09,540 I'm sorry. I can't go back. 425 00:20:09,692 --> 00:20:12,710 Sobriety has made me the man I never thought I'd be. 426 00:20:12,861 --> 00:20:15,338 Now I'm going home to my family. 427 00:20:23,965 --> 00:20:26,098 (whirring) 428 00:20:28,877 --> 00:20:29,835 Hmm? 429 00:20:29,987 --> 00:20:31,979 (whimpering) 430 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,192 (buzzing) 431 00:20:50,733 --> 00:20:52,992 Hey, Bart, isn't that your stupid crystal skull? 432 00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:55,294 Wasn't stupid. It was my best friend. 433 00:20:57,498 --> 00:20:59,148 ♪ ♪ 434 00:20:59,166 --> 00:21:01,484 (evil cackling) 435 00:21:01,502 --> 00:21:03,469 (speaking Spanish) 436 00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:10,726 (evil cackling) 437 00:21:13,998 --> 00:21:15,514 (panting) 438 00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:18,517 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 439 00:21:18,669 --> 00:21:20,169 FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 440 00:21:20,262 --> 00:21:22,187 And FORD. We go further, so you can. 441 00:21:22,282 --> 00:21:24,448 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 442 00:21:29,196 --> 00:21:31,330 Shh!