1 00:00:02,895 --> 00:00:04,486 ♪ ♪ 2 00:00:04,580 --> 00:00:06,296 (oinks) 3 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:10,492 D'oh! 4 00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:11,844 (grunts) 5 00:00:12,071 --> 00:00:13,828 (humming) 6 00:00:13,848 --> 00:00:15,405 (laughing) 7 00:00:15,499 --> 00:00:16,757 Hmm? 8 00:00:16,851 --> 00:00:17,850 Mmm. 9 00:00:18,077 --> 00:00:20,185 ♪ ♪ 10 00:00:26,027 --> 00:00:27,342 (tires screech) 11 00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:29,936 ♪ ♪ 12 00:00:30,089 --> 00:00:31,530 (bells jingle) 13 00:00:41,691 --> 00:00:43,784 Welcome. Good to see you. 14 00:00:43,936 --> 00:00:45,786 If you're here to use the bathroom, 15 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,121 try the Burger King next door. 16 00:00:48,274 --> 00:00:50,215 Actually, we'd like to buy something. 17 00:00:50,367 --> 00:00:52,867 Wunderbar. I offer many things. 18 00:00:52,887 --> 00:00:54,278 Astounding tricks, 19 00:00:54,296 --> 00:00:56,388 confounding illusions. 20 00:00:56,540 --> 00:00:58,782 I also fix iPhones. 21 00:00:58,875 --> 00:01:01,042 You've heard of Steve Jobs? 22 00:01:01,136 --> 00:01:03,787 This is my kid, "No Jobs." 23 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:05,880 -Dad! -He's been angry 24 00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:07,974 since I made his mother disappear 25 00:01:08,069 --> 00:01:11,236 with my cold attitude and the philandering. 26 00:01:11,463 --> 00:01:12,629 Achtung, Gramps. 27 00:01:12,722 --> 00:01:15,056 I want to buy a magic set for my sister's birthday 28 00:01:15,150 --> 00:01:16,967 'cause that's the kind of lame-o thing she'd like. 29 00:01:17,060 --> 00:01:18,893 Magic is not "lame-o." 30 00:01:18,987 --> 00:01:22,397 Let me show you a trick that made Angela Merkel say, 31 00:01:22,491 --> 00:01:25,250 "You are the worst Uber driver ever." 32 00:01:25,402 --> 00:01:26,326 (giggles) 33 00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:28,253 This underwear was once worn 34 00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:31,256 by Babar, King of the Elephants. 35 00:01:31,483 --> 00:01:33,667 Elephant underwear is tighty-whities on Homer. 36 00:01:33,819 --> 00:01:36,428 Why, you little...! (grunts) 37 00:01:37,823 --> 00:01:39,673 What the...? The more I pull, 38 00:01:39,825 --> 00:01:41,007 the tighter it gets. 39 00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:43,660 The only solution? Pull more. 40 00:01:43,753 --> 00:01:45,662 (grunting) 41 00:01:45,755 --> 00:01:47,731 (gasping) 42 00:01:49,017 --> 00:01:50,776 Nyeah, nyeah, nyeah-nyeah-nyeah! 43 00:01:51,003 --> 00:01:52,611 Will you two ever stop? 44 00:01:52,762 --> 00:01:53,779 Ever? 45 00:01:53,930 --> 00:01:56,115 Ah! Is it the future you seek? 46 00:01:56,266 --> 00:01:58,525 Well, then, move through this beaded curtain 47 00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:03,347 and past the Keurig coffee maker I bought but never use. 48 00:02:03,365 --> 00:02:05,499 (mystical theremin music plays) 49 00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:07,626 (music stops) 50 00:02:07,853 --> 00:02:11,021 Let us see what the tarot cards have to say. 51 00:02:11,156 --> 00:02:13,114 Eh. Tarot cards don't work. 52 00:02:13,134 --> 00:02:16,468 Don't they, Madam President? 53 00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:18,971 (gasps) 54 00:02:19,122 --> 00:02:22,199 Now let us see what happens to Homer and Bart. 55 00:02:22,217 --> 00:02:23,976 How does he know our names? 56 00:02:24,203 --> 00:02:26,553 They are on your Starbucks coffee cups. 57 00:02:26,705 --> 00:02:28,981 -Whoa. -Whoa. 58 00:02:30,133 --> 00:02:31,633 PROPRIETOR: Good news, Homer. 59 00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:32,634 In the future, 60 00:02:32,728 --> 00:02:34,711 -you stop drinking. -Oh... 61 00:02:34,730 --> 00:02:37,639 PROPRIETOR: And the boy becomes a fine person. 62 00:02:37,733 --> 00:02:38,824 What? No! 63 00:02:39,051 --> 00:02:40,808 Reversum predictum! 64 00:02:40,828 --> 00:02:42,977 It's licorice. Have some. 65 00:02:42,997 --> 00:02:44,163 Mmm... 66 00:02:44,314 --> 00:02:46,981 Now I turn more cards and... 67 00:02:47,001 --> 00:02:49,668 Oh, dear. This is rough. Very bad. 68 00:02:49,819 --> 00:02:51,061 What? What? 69 00:02:51,154 --> 00:02:52,671 There will be years of trouble 70 00:02:52,898 --> 00:02:55,090 between Marge and Lisa. 71 00:03:01,182 --> 00:03:02,848 The trouble begins when you decide 72 00:03:03,075 --> 00:03:05,409 where you will go to college. 73 00:03:05,427 --> 00:03:07,686 What? Why are you saying that? What's wrong? 74 00:03:07,837 --> 00:03:09,913 Do I get wait-listed? Gap year? 75 00:03:09,932 --> 00:03:11,915 (gasps) Cornell?! 76 00:03:11,934 --> 00:03:13,692 Let's just say things have changed 77 00:03:13,919 --> 00:03:15,602 when you are 17. 78 00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:17,696 ♪ ♪ 79 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,113 Rise and shine! 80 00:03:27,266 --> 00:03:29,691 Ugh, Mom, please. 81 00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,376 I was asleep. 82 00:03:31,528 --> 00:03:33,119 Today's the day you're gonna find out 83 00:03:33,272 --> 00:03:35,214 what colleges you get into. 84 00:03:35,365 --> 00:03:37,699 Who cares? They all lost their glitter 85 00:03:37,793 --> 00:03:39,443 when Netflix bought Yale. 86 00:03:39,536 --> 00:03:41,220 Well, you will be the first Simpson 87 00:03:41,329 --> 00:03:44,723 to ever finish college now that Bart's given up. 88 00:03:44,950 --> 00:03:46,783 Why should I go to college? 89 00:03:46,876 --> 00:03:48,301 I've become a master 90 00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:50,878 of Fruit Ninja. 91 00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:52,456 ♪ ♪ 92 00:03:52,474 --> 00:03:54,566 (Bart grunting) 93 00:03:54,718 --> 00:03:56,793 -MAN: Salad complete. -(bell rings) 94 00:03:56,886 --> 00:03:58,311 Booyah. 95 00:03:58,464 --> 00:03:59,613 (humming) 96 00:04:01,650 --> 00:04:03,391 There she is. 97 00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:06,745 Our family's last and only remaining hope. 98 00:04:06,972 --> 00:04:08,730 Putting on a little pressure there, Grampa? 99 00:04:08,824 --> 00:04:11,566 It's just that you're the only worthwhile Simpson 100 00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:12,809 since... ever. 101 00:04:12,902 --> 00:04:14,478 I'm counting on you to find the cure 102 00:04:14,496 --> 00:04:15,754 for everything that's gonna kill me. 103 00:04:15,905 --> 00:04:17,422 -No pressure. -(sighs) 104 00:04:17,574 --> 00:04:20,650 Wait a minute. This is on the wrong eye. 105 00:04:20,744 --> 00:04:23,011 Ooh, much better. 106 00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:26,765 (tires screech) 107 00:04:26,916 --> 00:04:28,934 Lisa, I have a question. 108 00:04:29,161 --> 00:04:32,496 Please, don't mention the word "college." 109 00:04:32,514 --> 00:04:34,014 College? No way. 110 00:04:34,108 --> 00:04:36,333 This is a surprise promposal. 111 00:04:36,426 --> 00:04:38,777 Guess who I hired to ask you on my behalf. 112 00:04:39,004 --> 00:04:40,170 My dad. 113 00:04:40,263 --> 00:04:43,765 Imitating Seth MacFarlane imitating Frank Sinatra. 114 00:04:43,859 --> 00:04:46,176 ♪ Take him to the prom ♪ 115 00:04:46,194 --> 00:04:50,605 ♪ And let him dance forevermore ♪ 116 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:53,274 ♪ If you turn him down ♪ 117 00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:56,962 ♪ He will curl up on the floor ♪ 118 00:04:57,189 --> 00:04:58,946 ♪ In other words ♪ 119 00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:01,541 ♪ We're desperate ♪ 120 00:05:01,693 --> 00:05:03,026 We really are. 121 00:05:03,119 --> 00:05:06,196 ♪ A pity "yes" will do. ♪ 122 00:05:06,289 --> 00:05:10,124 And you'll have to drive 'cause he can't. Ha! 123 00:05:10,144 --> 00:05:11,626 I can see you're tempted, Lis. 124 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:14,146 There's nothing cooler than a guy who's graduated 125 00:05:14,297 --> 00:05:17,390 coming back for a younger kid's prom. (chuckles) 126 00:05:18,393 --> 00:05:22,470 Get out of here before I accidentally say "okay." 127 00:05:22,564 --> 00:05:23,971 Did I hear an "okay"? 128 00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:26,049 (tires screeching) 129 00:05:26,068 --> 00:05:28,452 (Lisa crying) 130 00:05:29,721 --> 00:05:31,404 Aw, hey, kid. What's the matter? 131 00:05:31,557 --> 00:05:34,224 Your whole life, for reasons I'll never understand, 132 00:05:34,317 --> 00:05:36,335 you've been looking forward to college. 133 00:05:36,486 --> 00:05:37,561 Today, you get in. 134 00:05:37,579 --> 00:05:39,579 Things have changed since I was a kid. 135 00:05:39,731 --> 00:05:43,066 College costs a fortune, and does it really do any good? 136 00:05:43,159 --> 00:05:45,902 All you get is a piece of paper with your name on it. 137 00:05:45,995 --> 00:05:47,237 And it's written in Latin, 138 00:05:47,330 --> 00:05:49,422 so the only people who can actually read it 139 00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:51,741 are dead Romans and Catholic priests. 140 00:05:51,793 --> 00:05:55,428 And last I checked, none of them are handing out jobs. 141 00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:59,766 Then why did you study so hard and miss all the fun? 142 00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:00,917 ♪ ♪ 143 00:06:01,010 --> 00:06:04,112 ♪ Old days ♪ 144 00:06:05,348 --> 00:06:08,867 ♪ Good times I remember ♪ 145 00:06:09,018 --> 00:06:11,328 ♪ Fun days ♪ 146 00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:15,374 ♪ Filled with simple pleasure. ♪ 147 00:06:15,525 --> 00:06:17,934 I don't know now. I think of all those years 148 00:06:18,027 --> 00:06:19,619 where instead of being behind a book, 149 00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:21,438 I could've played kickball. 150 00:06:21,531 --> 00:06:23,548 So many jump ropes un-jumped. 151 00:06:23,775 --> 00:06:25,884 Do you ever feel regret, Bart? 152 00:06:26,035 --> 00:06:28,202 I regret starting this conversation. 153 00:06:28,296 --> 00:06:31,281 Every one. I got into every one. 154 00:06:31,299 --> 00:06:33,783 Why does this moment feel so empty? 155 00:06:33,877 --> 00:06:35,227 (conch shell blows) 156 00:06:35,454 --> 00:06:38,880 Come one, come all. Don't miss it. 157 00:06:38,974 --> 00:06:40,306 Lisa, I told everyone 158 00:06:40,401 --> 00:06:42,142 you're going to make your pick today. 159 00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:44,736 This is the greatest moment of my life. 160 00:06:44,963 --> 00:06:47,072 Drumroll! 161 00:06:48,133 --> 00:06:49,908 (tinny drumroll) 162 00:06:50,135 --> 00:06:51,893 ♪ A Simpson got into college ♪ 163 00:06:51,987 --> 00:06:53,970 ♪ A Simpson got into college ♪ 164 00:06:54,063 --> 00:06:57,082 ♪ A Simpson got into college ♪ 165 00:06:57,309 --> 00:07:00,210 ♪ And I just never applied. ♪ 166 00:07:01,422 --> 00:07:04,256 Everyone, shh! It's the moment of truth. 167 00:07:04,407 --> 00:07:05,815 (all cheer) 168 00:07:05,834 --> 00:07:08,668 Congratulations, Lisa. Which one are you gonna choose? 169 00:07:08,820 --> 00:07:11,221 Bob Jones. Bob Jones. Bob Jones. 170 00:07:13,008 --> 00:07:14,824 I, uh... 171 00:07:14,918 --> 00:07:17,310 I'm not going to college. 172 00:07:18,163 --> 00:07:19,663 What?! Quit joking. 173 00:07:19,681 --> 00:07:22,441 Marge, nobody knows comedy like I don't. 174 00:07:22,668 --> 00:07:24,167 She's not joking. 175 00:07:24,186 --> 00:07:26,611 Lisa, you can't do this. We're counting on you. 176 00:07:26,763 --> 00:07:29,005 Well, you know, Marge, I didn't go to college, 177 00:07:29,024 --> 00:07:31,633 and I'm wealthy in the most important way: 178 00:07:31,693 --> 00:07:33,267 lack of student loans. 179 00:07:33,287 --> 00:07:35,345 Do not encourage her. 180 00:07:35,438 --> 00:07:37,514 Marge, her not going to college 181 00:07:37,532 --> 00:07:40,792 is the most money I'll ever earn. 182 00:07:40,944 --> 00:07:42,852 Lisa, please. I'm giving you 183 00:07:42,913 --> 00:07:45,705 one last chance to salvage this day. 184 00:07:45,857 --> 00:07:47,132 I've lived for this moment. 185 00:07:47,283 --> 00:07:48,967 And all I've ever asked from you 186 00:07:49,194 --> 00:07:51,528 is that everything that never happened to me 187 00:07:51,621 --> 00:07:52,637 happens to you. 188 00:07:52,789 --> 00:07:55,122 And that justifies my existence on Earth 189 00:07:55,291 --> 00:07:58,292 for the hours I spent holding you, cleaning you, 190 00:07:58,312 --> 00:08:00,720 cooking your supper, drying your tears, 191 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,055 catching your colds 192 00:08:02,207 --> 00:08:05,058 and burying every personal need I had 193 00:08:05,210 --> 00:08:07,152 just so I could have the brief joy 194 00:08:07,303 --> 00:08:08,987 of setting up your dorm room 195 00:08:09,214 --> 00:08:11,381 with the roommate from the fancy family 196 00:08:11,399 --> 00:08:15,235 who you'll spend the holidays with on their ranch in Colorado 197 00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:18,054 instead of coming home to me. 198 00:08:18,073 --> 00:08:20,406 Once and for all, 199 00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,834 which college are you going to? 200 00:08:22,986 --> 00:08:24,419 None. 201 00:08:29,826 --> 00:08:34,763 ♪ ♪ 202 00:08:35,832 --> 00:08:37,924 I just wanted to say one thing. 203 00:08:38,167 --> 00:08:40,167 -What's that? -Ingrate! 204 00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:42,020 I'm sorry, but could you have decided 205 00:08:42,247 --> 00:08:44,748 you didn't want to go to college before ten years 206 00:08:44,766 --> 00:08:48,101 of me driving you to saxophone lessons, SAT prep, 207 00:08:48,253 --> 00:08:52,489 college tours of colleges you were never gonna go to?! 208 00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,075 (Marge groans) 209 00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:58,352 -(doors slamming) -Could it be 210 00:08:58,446 --> 00:09:00,280 that I'm finally the favorite parent? 211 00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:02,499 Maggie, whose side are you on? 212 00:09:05,361 --> 00:09:07,379 I don't like how digital she's getting. 213 00:09:08,364 --> 00:09:10,715 Aw, you know just what to say. 214 00:09:10,867 --> 00:09:11,941 (groans softly) 215 00:09:12,035 --> 00:09:13,200 MARGE: Honey, 216 00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:14,535 I baked you brownies to eat 217 00:09:14,555 --> 00:09:17,630 while you reconsider stuff you've done or said. 218 00:09:17,783 --> 00:09:19,299 Wait a minute. Do you actually think 219 00:09:19,451 --> 00:09:22,561 your brownies will affect my life decisions? 220 00:09:22,712 --> 00:09:24,137 They have walnuts in them. 221 00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:26,639 Mom, I never really liked your brownies, 222 00:09:26,792 --> 00:09:28,958 and I'm not going to college. 223 00:09:29,052 --> 00:09:31,144 Really? Who are you? 224 00:09:31,296 --> 00:09:32,962 All my life, I did what I thought 225 00:09:32,981 --> 00:09:34,480 other people wanted me to do. 226 00:09:34,575 --> 00:09:36,149 Now I'm doing what I want. 227 00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:39,485 Oh. Someday, you're gonna have a daughter of your own, 228 00:09:39,580 --> 00:09:41,154 and you'll see how I feel. 229 00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:43,064 Who says I'm gonna have kids? 230 00:09:43,158 --> 00:09:44,474 No college? No kids? 231 00:09:44,492 --> 00:09:47,068 How dare you lead the life I wish I'd led. 232 00:09:47,162 --> 00:09:49,813 I'm burned out. I'm so burned out. 233 00:09:49,831 --> 00:09:52,424 I just need some time to think. 234 00:09:52,575 --> 00:09:53,908 Okay. Just promise me 235 00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:56,152 that before you make any final decisions, 236 00:09:56,171 --> 00:09:59,656 -you'll talk to... -I know, I know. My father. 237 00:09:59,674 --> 00:10:00,915 I'm talking about the man 238 00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,842 who's been there for every birthday. 239 00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:07,013 The one man who took pride in your every achievement. 240 00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,514 I'd love to talk with you, Lisa, but first, 241 00:10:08,667 --> 00:10:11,109 boys, it's 6:00 p.m. Time for bed. 242 00:10:11,260 --> 00:10:12,944 BOTH (deep voice): Yay! 243 00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:16,281 College was my dream. Then I thought, 244 00:10:16,432 --> 00:10:19,676 "Is it really my dream or just everyone else's?" 245 00:10:19,694 --> 00:10:21,435 Lisa, use the gifts God gave you 246 00:10:21,529 --> 00:10:23,288 for whatever path He puts you on. 247 00:10:23,515 --> 00:10:24,939 Get a job. Learn the pride 248 00:10:25,033 --> 00:10:26,975 that comes with getting your own paycheck. 249 00:10:26,977 --> 00:10:30,036 Of course. The dignity of work. 250 00:10:30,188 --> 00:10:31,946 Thank you, Mr. Flanders. 251 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:34,448 ROD (deep voice): Daddy, can you come upstairs? 252 00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:35,875 We're scared. 253 00:10:36,027 --> 00:10:38,136 Daddy, bring the monster spray! 254 00:10:38,363 --> 00:10:41,431 I may have over-coddled them just a little bit. 255 00:10:42,534 --> 00:10:44,809 Now, I'm afraid the next kilometer 256 00:10:44,961 --> 00:10:47,887 on Lisa's autobahn of life would not be, 257 00:10:48,039 --> 00:10:50,482 as you say, easy peasy. 258 00:10:52,653 --> 00:10:54,152 ♪ ♪ 259 00:10:54,379 --> 00:10:55,987 Ooh, could I double down on those? 260 00:10:56,214 --> 00:10:57,822 This is not blackjack. 261 00:10:57,974 --> 00:10:59,807 I said hit me. 262 00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:01,067 Not blackjack. 263 00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:02,552 Come on, pal, hit me. 264 00:11:02,570 --> 00:11:03,553 Fine. 265 00:11:03,571 --> 00:11:04,812 You're busted. 266 00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:07,648 D'oh! Should've held on the hard Knave of Cups. 267 00:11:07,668 --> 00:11:09,559 I have no regrets. 268 00:11:09,652 --> 00:11:11,318 I have no regrets. 269 00:11:11,413 --> 00:11:13,746 (sniffles) I have no regrets. 270 00:11:13,899 --> 00:11:17,008 (crying, mumbling) 271 00:11:17,235 --> 00:11:19,844 Simpson, the corn isn't sticking to the dogs. 272 00:11:20,071 --> 00:11:22,329 Why did I waste 30 minutes training you? 273 00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:24,832 Now the pulp is settling in the lemonade! 274 00:11:24,926 --> 00:11:26,351 Pump! Pump! 275 00:11:26,578 --> 00:11:28,019 Pump...! 276 00:11:28,246 --> 00:11:29,913 Why am I working here? 277 00:11:29,931 --> 00:11:31,189 Even I can't answer that, 278 00:11:31,340 --> 00:11:33,766 and I was a philosophy major at Brown. 279 00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:34,842 Brown! 280 00:11:34,861 --> 00:11:37,511 Brown...! 281 00:11:37,605 --> 00:11:39,105 God, that job sucks. 282 00:11:39,257 --> 00:11:41,090 Here's a little secret, honey. 283 00:11:41,184 --> 00:11:42,183 All jobs suck. 284 00:11:42,277 --> 00:11:44,110 That's why you get paid to do them. 285 00:11:44,262 --> 00:11:45,611 So you had your gap week. 286 00:11:45,706 --> 00:11:47,931 Now you're finally going to college, right? 287 00:11:47,949 --> 00:11:49,523 No. Not ever. 288 00:11:49,617 --> 00:11:52,101 Okay, I can't change this, and I can't accept this. 289 00:11:52,195 --> 00:11:55,630 What do I do? Go downstairs and yell into the dryer. 290 00:11:56,942 --> 00:11:58,383 (footsteps descending stairs) 291 00:11:58,610 --> 00:12:00,034 (echoing): Why is she doing this?! 292 00:12:00,128 --> 00:12:01,553 Why won't she go to college?! 293 00:12:01,780 --> 00:12:03,704 We've been planning this her whole life! 294 00:12:03,798 --> 00:12:05,039 Why?! 295 00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:07,166 I'll have that picture and that picture 296 00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,894 and a diet that picture, if'n you please. 297 00:12:10,121 --> 00:12:11,545 Can't you read the names? 298 00:12:11,565 --> 00:12:12,638 No, ma'am. 299 00:12:12,791 --> 00:12:14,307 You seem to read just fine, 300 00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:16,383 and you're stuck in this dump. 301 00:12:16,478 --> 00:12:17,585 Not anymore. 302 00:12:17,645 --> 00:12:19,220 I know what I'm gonna do. 303 00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:22,482 I hope it starts with pressin' the button what brings my food. 304 00:12:22,576 --> 00:12:24,576 Nope. I'm not gonna learn. 305 00:12:24,803 --> 00:12:25,744 I'm gonna teach! 306 00:12:25,971 --> 00:12:27,820 I'm gonna start an after-school program, 307 00:12:27,973 --> 00:12:30,564 individualized and accessible to children 308 00:12:30,658 --> 00:12:32,066 who fall through the cracks. 309 00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:34,143 What are you going to do for money? 310 00:12:34,237 --> 00:12:35,311 Workman's comp. 311 00:12:35,330 --> 00:12:37,964 I'd like to see you try. 312 00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:40,592 On my way! 313 00:12:40,819 --> 00:12:42,910 -Whoo-hoo! -(clattering) 314 00:12:43,004 --> 00:12:45,263 Welcome to the Boundless Horizons School, 315 00:12:45,490 --> 00:12:47,173 where I'm gonna change your lives 316 00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,342 and you're gonna write letters to me forever 317 00:12:49,494 --> 00:12:53,271 and you'll say I was your most influential person. 318 00:12:53,498 --> 00:12:56,332 Just exactly how are you gonna teach us? 319 00:12:56,351 --> 00:12:59,002 Well, I'm gonna use every trick there is. 320 00:12:59,020 --> 00:13:00,761 I'll put the desks in a circle. 321 00:13:00,781 --> 00:13:02,188 I'll take the toughest one of you 322 00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:05,174 and put him or her in charge of making everyone behave. 323 00:13:05,193 --> 00:13:09,178 And I'll teach Shakespeare using dances from TikTok. 324 00:13:09,197 --> 00:13:10,789 ♪ Out, out, damned spot ♪ 325 00:13:10,940 --> 00:13:13,683 ♪ This is the way that Shakespeare should be taught. ♪ 326 00:13:13,701 --> 00:13:16,127 (beatboxing) 327 00:13:16,279 --> 00:13:19,022 Her incredible lameness has me riveted. 328 00:13:19,115 --> 00:13:21,858 Finally, someone who gets me as a stereotype. 329 00:13:21,951 --> 00:13:23,802 Wait one minute, young lady. 330 00:13:24,029 --> 00:13:25,953 You cannot just open your own school 331 00:13:26,047 --> 00:13:28,473 and start to better random lives. 332 00:13:28,700 --> 00:13:29,699 Um... 333 00:13:29,717 --> 00:13:30,958 You have to sign this form 334 00:13:31,052 --> 00:13:33,886 and pay a $25 city business tax. 335 00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:35,263 -(chuckles) -Okay. 336 00:13:35,373 --> 00:13:36,981 Just give me the change, please. 337 00:13:37,208 --> 00:13:38,650 Uh, this is embarrassing. 338 00:13:38,801 --> 00:13:40,801 Um, I'm not great at math. 339 00:13:40,821 --> 00:13:42,487 Leave that to me. 340 00:13:42,714 --> 00:13:44,614 ♪ ♪ 341 00:13:56,061 --> 00:13:58,911 ♪ ♪ 342 00:13:59,064 --> 00:14:00,746 Lisa Simpson's after-school program 343 00:14:00,899 --> 00:14:02,582 has been a tremendous success. 344 00:14:02,734 --> 00:14:04,400 Unlike the news business. 345 00:14:04,419 --> 00:14:07,679 Lisa now has over 100 franchises here in the Illiteracy Belt. 346 00:14:07,906 --> 00:14:11,015 And now, given her high profile and 80% approval rating, 347 00:14:11,242 --> 00:14:13,242 Lisa's running for state school superintendent 348 00:14:13,336 --> 00:14:15,761 against incumbent Gary Chalmers. 349 00:14:15,914 --> 00:14:17,580 Under my opponent, 350 00:14:17,673 --> 00:14:19,340 test scores have fallen. 351 00:14:19,434 --> 00:14:22,343 Graduation rates have fallen. 352 00:14:22,437 --> 00:14:26,364 I am not going to stand here and listen to some nasty woman... 353 00:14:26,591 --> 00:14:28,608 (booing, jeering) 354 00:14:28,702 --> 00:14:30,535 I-I'm just trying to make a point, all right? 355 00:14:30,762 --> 00:14:33,705 I'm not gonna let some stupid, nasty, homely woman... 356 00:14:33,932 --> 00:14:35,781 (shouting) 357 00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:37,524 Simpson! 358 00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:38,601 I concede. 359 00:14:38,694 --> 00:14:40,286 Uh, congratulations. 360 00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:41,546 (cheering, applause) 361 00:14:41,773 --> 00:14:43,623 Beloved superintendent of schools, Lisa Simpson, 362 00:14:43,775 --> 00:14:45,216 is now running for governor! 363 00:14:45,443 --> 00:14:47,034 Soon she'll move beyond the scope 364 00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:49,387 of a career-stuck local anchorman like me. 365 00:14:49,614 --> 00:14:51,114 (sped-up): This is Kent Brockman signing off. 366 00:14:51,207 --> 00:14:53,040 Lisa Simpson, governor of... (mumbles) 367 00:14:53,092 --> 00:14:54,133 is running for president. 368 00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:56,119 Not even her highly damaged relationship 369 00:14:56,212 --> 00:14:57,803 with her mother can stop her now. 370 00:14:57,898 --> 00:14:59,230 Nate Silver analyzes. 371 00:14:59,382 --> 00:15:00,899 Well, George, Lisa is doing great 372 00:15:01,126 --> 00:15:02,233 with disenchanted daughters. 373 00:15:02,385 --> 00:15:04,235 Also tiger moms, checked-out dads 374 00:15:04,387 --> 00:15:06,295 and grandparents who like everything, 375 00:15:06,389 --> 00:15:07,739 plus middle children, nerds of all ages 376 00:15:07,966 --> 00:15:09,632 and saxophonists above second chair. 377 00:15:09,725 --> 00:15:11,075 (saxophone plays) 378 00:15:11,227 --> 00:15:13,227 Now, it's a week before the election but-- 379 00:15:13,321 --> 00:15:15,079 what the hell-- I'm calling it for Lisa. 380 00:15:15,231 --> 00:15:16,656 My work here is done. 381 00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:18,041 Good luck, America. 382 00:15:20,979 --> 00:15:22,736 It's 5:38 somewhere. 383 00:15:23,815 --> 00:15:26,090 This just in. Lisa Simpson has been elected 384 00:15:26,317 --> 00:15:28,484 the eighth president who did not go to college, 385 00:15:28,503 --> 00:15:30,987 joining George Washington, Abraham Lincoln 386 00:15:31,005 --> 00:15:32,338 and Harry S. Truman. 387 00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:34,915 Think about that when you're paying your student loans. 388 00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:36,417 Stephanopoulos out. 389 00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:39,328 My daughter really becomes president? 390 00:15:39,347 --> 00:15:42,756 Yes. But you have to learn it on the streets. 391 00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:45,017 (drones whirring) 392 00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:47,670 Great news about your daughter, Marge. 393 00:15:47,763 --> 00:15:49,689 She's finally going to college? 394 00:15:49,841 --> 00:15:51,190 No. She's president. 395 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:52,951 You knew that, didn't you? 396 00:15:53,102 --> 00:15:56,079 Oh, crap. I really am out of the loop. 397 00:15:58,516 --> 00:16:01,017 Look, the heart of the story is Lisa and me. 398 00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:02,794 Do we finally get along? 399 00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:04,295 Also, in the future, 400 00:16:04,522 --> 00:16:06,464 how many more Ghostbusters do they make? 401 00:16:06,691 --> 00:16:10,042 Four. The gay Ghostbusters is fantastic. 402 00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:12,804 Can't we dwell on the fact that I was president? 403 00:16:12,955 --> 00:16:15,364 So concerned about your futures 404 00:16:15,458 --> 00:16:17,308 but no one cares about mine. 405 00:16:17,535 --> 00:16:18,868 I won't get into details, 406 00:16:18,961 --> 00:16:22,705 but my body winds up in the dumpster behind the store. 407 00:16:22,724 --> 00:16:24,798 Do any of you give a damn? 408 00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:26,484 (coughs) 409 00:16:26,711 --> 00:16:27,710 Very well. 410 00:16:27,803 --> 00:16:30,137 Now we have come to the final two cards. 411 00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:32,215 The future will be revealed. 412 00:16:32,308 --> 00:16:35,401 But first, I want to plug my gig this Saturday 413 00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:38,329 at the Comedy & Magic Club. 414 00:16:39,741 --> 00:16:42,834 I conjure the spirit of Rodney Dangerfield. 415 00:16:43,061 --> 00:16:45,077 Ich bekomme keinen Respekt. 416 00:16:45,230 --> 00:16:46,746 I'm telling you. 417 00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:48,748 Ah. Here we are. 418 00:16:48,900 --> 00:16:50,416 It's Inauguration Day, 419 00:16:50,568 --> 00:16:54,512 and Marge and Lisa are barely speaking. 420 00:16:56,574 --> 00:16:59,333 And I promise you that, as your president, 421 00:16:59,427 --> 00:17:01,668 I will obsess over your welfare, 422 00:17:01,763 --> 00:17:04,096 because I don't have a life! 423 00:17:04,249 --> 00:17:05,915 You're all I've got! 424 00:17:05,933 --> 00:17:08,601 And I will serve you. 425 00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:10,695 (cheering, whooping) 426 00:17:12,590 --> 00:17:13,531 (screeches) 427 00:17:13,682 --> 00:17:16,609 And we'll get right on that! 428 00:17:16,761 --> 00:17:18,094 Madam President, 429 00:17:18,187 --> 00:17:19,762 just after you were sworn in, 430 00:17:19,781 --> 00:17:21,597 your predecessor finally conceded. 431 00:17:21,616 --> 00:17:24,934 These transitional tantrums get longer and longer. 432 00:17:24,952 --> 00:17:26,193 (Wilhelm scream in distance) 433 00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:29,196 Okay, he promised he'd leave after he did that. 434 00:17:29,215 --> 00:17:31,365 But you're going to be a great president. 435 00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,200 Thank you. 436 00:17:33,294 --> 00:17:34,960 But maybe not a happy one. 437 00:17:35,113 --> 00:17:36,036 Bart! 438 00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:38,056 Oh, I almost hugged you. 439 00:17:38,207 --> 00:17:39,799 Well, I almost wish you had. 440 00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:41,375 Oh. I think I will. 441 00:17:41,469 --> 00:17:42,393 I hope you do. 442 00:17:42,545 --> 00:17:43,469 (grunts) 443 00:17:43,621 --> 00:17:44,804 I know what you need. 444 00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:47,899 Some President's Choice High Carumba. 445 00:17:48,126 --> 00:17:49,959 Why did you bring that here? 446 00:17:49,977 --> 00:17:51,069 A: it's legal. 447 00:17:51,220 --> 00:17:52,845 B: somehow still cool. 448 00:17:52,906 --> 00:17:55,364 And C: you really need to chill out. 449 00:17:56,725 --> 00:17:58,451 ♪ ♪ 450 00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:01,704 (guns cocking) 451 00:18:02,807 --> 00:18:05,458 He's with me! He's with me! 452 00:18:07,145 --> 00:18:08,753 Oh, I got to tell you something. 453 00:18:08,980 --> 00:18:11,405 Now that we're both grown and successful-- 454 00:18:11,499 --> 00:18:12,648 you, president, 455 00:18:12,667 --> 00:18:14,166 me, pot CEO 456 00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:16,928 and owner of three NBA teams-- 457 00:18:17,079 --> 00:18:18,487 I feel different. 458 00:18:18,581 --> 00:18:21,657 I really, really, really don't hate you. 459 00:18:21,676 --> 00:18:22,749 Aw. 460 00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:24,602 Got anything to say to me? 461 00:18:24,829 --> 00:18:26,846 Um... yes. 462 00:18:26,998 --> 00:18:28,013 All right. 463 00:18:28,166 --> 00:18:29,256 I'll admit it. 464 00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:32,276 I've always been kind of a pain in the butt. 465 00:18:32,428 --> 00:18:33,111 Wow. 466 00:18:33,338 --> 00:18:34,837 If you had said that earlier, 467 00:18:34,856 --> 00:18:37,097 even I would have voted for you. 468 00:18:37,191 --> 00:18:39,325 -(drones whirring) -(applause) 469 00:18:41,028 --> 00:18:42,620 Wow, that's pretty cool 470 00:18:42,771 --> 00:18:45,848 for someone who was always unpopular. (chuckles) 471 00:18:45,941 --> 00:18:47,350 But, but wait! 472 00:18:47,368 --> 00:18:48,200 Not my fault. 473 00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:50,369 Because, I don't know if you know, 474 00:18:50,521 --> 00:18:54,298 but I did not come from a family that made things easy. 475 00:18:54,450 --> 00:18:57,543 Well, maybe you didn't make things easier for them either. 476 00:18:57,695 --> 00:18:59,695 Maybe Mom was the one who was helping you 477 00:18:59,788 --> 00:19:01,788 in ways you don't even remember. 478 00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:02,882 ♪ ♪ 479 00:19:03,034 --> 00:19:05,351 ♪ Old days ♪ 480 00:19:07,147 --> 00:19:09,872 ♪ Good times I remember ♪ 481 00:19:09,965 --> 00:19:11,390 ♪ Fun days... ♪ 482 00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:14,068 Oh, wow. 483 00:19:17,048 --> 00:19:18,406 ♪ ♪ 484 00:19:20,476 --> 00:19:21,642 Mom? 485 00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:22,994 She's clean. Checked her hair. 486 00:19:23,145 --> 00:19:24,403 Took 45 minutes. 487 00:19:24,555 --> 00:19:26,831 I'm here to see if you'll finally admit 488 00:19:27,024 --> 00:19:29,408 you'd be better off if you'd gone to college. 489 00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:30,576 Are you crazy? 490 00:19:30,728 --> 00:19:32,728 You still can't admit you were wrong. 491 00:19:32,821 --> 00:19:34,397 Let me tell you something, lady. 492 00:19:34,490 --> 00:19:37,008 Wait a minute. Just-just wait a minute. 493 00:19:37,159 --> 00:19:38,567 I'm president now. 494 00:19:38,661 --> 00:19:40,569 I have a lot of resources. 495 00:19:40,663 --> 00:19:43,163 Where's my mom translator? 496 00:19:44,166 --> 00:19:46,075 Maybe I started off on the wrong foot. 497 00:19:46,093 --> 00:19:48,411 "You constantly let me down." 498 00:19:48,429 --> 00:19:51,430 Of course, I appreciate everything you're saying. 499 00:19:51,557 --> 00:19:53,582 "You were never really in my corner." 500 00:19:53,601 --> 00:19:56,694 I may have said a lot of things in anger. 501 00:19:56,845 --> 00:19:59,588 "I meant what I said and I will stick to it. 502 00:19:59,682 --> 00:20:03,759 But no matter what, I was always proud of you." 503 00:20:03,819 --> 00:20:05,594 You made me mad, too. 504 00:20:05,613 --> 00:20:07,780 "I was hurt because I care so much. 505 00:20:07,949 --> 00:20:11,767 All the respect and love I have for people came from you." 506 00:20:11,786 --> 00:20:13,193 That's nice to hear. 507 00:20:13,287 --> 00:20:14,695 (choked up): "I love you so much." 508 00:20:14,789 --> 00:20:15,696 (sobbing softly) 509 00:20:15,790 --> 00:20:17,698 "I love you, too." 510 00:20:17,792 --> 00:20:20,943 -(crying) -Oh, oh. 511 00:20:20,962 --> 00:20:22,795 (sniffles) Okay, you can go now. 512 00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:25,038 "This translator is fantastic. 513 00:20:25,058 --> 00:20:26,540 Give her a raise." 514 00:20:26,634 --> 00:20:28,951 (fireworks popping) 515 00:20:28,970 --> 00:20:30,210 (squealing) 516 00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:32,480 ("Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" plays) 517 00:20:41,632 --> 00:20:44,149 Okay. I enjoyed that story, but I got to know, 518 00:20:44,302 --> 00:20:45,801 how much is really true? 519 00:20:46,061 --> 00:20:48,637 Let me consult the oracle. 520 00:20:48,731 --> 00:20:51,140 Okay, Lisa, I'll give it to you straight. 521 00:20:51,233 --> 00:20:53,751 You've got a 98% chance of going to college, 522 00:20:53,978 --> 00:20:55,235 83% Ivy League, 523 00:20:55,329 --> 00:20:56,812 47% chance of a boyfriend, 524 00:20:56,905 --> 00:20:58,814 72% chance of a girlfriend. 525 00:20:58,907 --> 00:20:59,832 Oh! 526 00:20:59,984 --> 00:21:02,242 (chuckles): I like those odds! 527 00:21:02,336 --> 00:21:04,003 Hey, can I get the game on this? 528 00:21:04,097 --> 00:21:06,171 It's not a TV. 529 00:21:06,266 --> 00:21:08,915 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 530 00:21:08,935 --> 00:21:12,495 FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 531 00:21:12,513 --> 00:21:15,180 And FORD. We go further, so you can. 532 00:21:15,275 --> 00:21:19,193 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 533 00:21:29,622 --> 00:21:31,539 Shh!