1 00:00:06,882 --> 00:00:08,090 (marching band playing) 2 00:00:09,385 --> 00:00:11,068 Happy Parade Day! 3 00:00:11,128 --> 00:00:14,238 It's the Parade Day Parade! 4 00:00:14,298 --> 00:00:15,589 (horns honking) 5 00:00:15,725 --> 00:00:17,499 Clear the roadway! 6 00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:20,519 Your antics inconvenience hundreds! 7 00:00:21,731 --> 00:00:23,355 Hooray for parades! 8 00:00:23,548 --> 00:00:25,858 Your antics delight one and all! 9 00:00:26,977 --> 00:00:30,029 Follow me, Little Lord Ralph! 10 00:00:31,982 --> 00:00:34,349 What's hiding behind the Great Green Wall? 11 00:00:34,452 --> 00:00:35,850 A choo choo? Some buttons? 12 00:00:35,953 --> 00:00:37,852 A dog ten feet tall? 13 00:00:37,955 --> 00:00:40,539 ♪ ♪ 14 00:00:41,584 --> 00:00:42,624 Hmm-hmm. 15 00:00:45,695 --> 00:00:49,531 (gasps) My eyes told me a secret! 16 00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:50,716 (school bell rings) 17 00:00:50,885 --> 00:00:53,260 Aw, last day of school. 18 00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:56,221 Lot of fond memories in here. 19 00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,540 -Furnace. -On it. 20 00:00:58,559 --> 00:00:59,874 I know what's behind the Big Hedge, 21 00:00:59,935 --> 00:01:01,209 because I went behind the Big Hedge 22 00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:02,710 and I saw what's behind the Big Hedge 23 00:01:02,772 --> 00:01:04,955 and now I'm gonna tell you. Yay! 24 00:01:05,015 --> 00:01:07,232 The Big Hedge? As in the Big Hedge? 25 00:01:07,425 --> 00:01:09,717 No one knows what's behind that thing. 26 00:01:09,779 --> 00:01:12,071 Although, a seventh grader once told me 27 00:01:12,264 --> 00:01:14,464 it was naked ladies setting off fireworks. 28 00:01:14,483 --> 00:01:17,801 I heard it's where divorced parents go to get back together. 29 00:01:17,903 --> 00:01:21,896 No, sir! It's where they hold the Independent Spirit Awards! 30 00:01:21,957 --> 00:01:24,583 If you call that independent. 31 00:01:24,776 --> 00:01:28,087 No, it's the best playground ever! 32 00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:31,757 There's Easter eggs and baby cars that anyone can drive. 33 00:01:31,950 --> 00:01:34,426 And this many clowns in clown pants! 34 00:01:34,619 --> 00:01:37,805 (chuckles) Dang, that's hella clowns. 35 00:01:39,341 --> 00:01:40,933 -(raccoon chitters) -How the crotch 36 00:01:41,126 --> 00:01:42,917 do we get through that thing? 37 00:01:42,937 --> 00:01:44,686 I've seen my dad do this. 38 00:01:50,394 --> 00:01:52,336 (birds chirping) 39 00:01:52,396 --> 00:01:54,279 -Wow! -OTHERS: Whoa! 40 00:01:55,950 --> 00:01:59,618 See? Easter eggs, clown pants and baby cars. 41 00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:02,179 I love you, clowns! 42 00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:06,041 There's a golf course in the middle of Springfield? 43 00:02:07,044 --> 00:02:08,518 NELSON: What's golf? 44 00:02:08,579 --> 00:02:10,871 I've never seen a golf course anywhere, 45 00:02:10,965 --> 00:02:12,856 except those commercials for pills 46 00:02:12,916 --> 00:02:14,949 that give old people their life back. 47 00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:16,376 -Duckies! -(ducks quacking) 48 00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:18,879 I'm gonna go steal their wet bread. 49 00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:22,790 Whoa, I've never seen Jimbo looking so sharp. 50 00:02:22,852 --> 00:02:24,792 Is he bullying rich guys now? 51 00:02:24,854 --> 00:02:27,128 Fine round today, sir. 52 00:02:27,189 --> 00:02:29,723 You know, I hope to be a doctor myself. 53 00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:32,484 It's always been my dream to work around blood. 54 00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:34,319 (laughs) 55 00:02:34,512 --> 00:02:36,947 Well, maybe this will help with medical school. 56 00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:41,643 Whoa! 20 bucks! 57 00:02:41,704 --> 00:02:43,495 (Jimbo chuckles) 58 00:02:43,688 --> 00:02:45,389 What the hell, Jimbo? You just suck up to that guy 59 00:02:45,490 --> 00:02:46,648 and he gives you money? 60 00:02:46,709 --> 00:02:48,149 It's not sucking up. 61 00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:50,818 Rich guys love hearing how great they are, 62 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:52,654 and they're willing to pay for it. 63 00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:54,656 Money pay. 64 00:02:54,717 --> 00:02:56,324 Mwah. 65 00:02:56,385 --> 00:02:58,427 Look away, pervs! 66 00:03:00,130 --> 00:03:01,996 We'd like jobs, please. 67 00:03:02,057 --> 00:03:05,350 Well, you seem a little young, but I do need the help. 68 00:03:05,502 --> 00:03:07,352 I'm out several of my best caddies 69 00:03:07,545 --> 00:03:09,746 due to an elaborate virginity-losing wager. 70 00:03:09,806 --> 00:03:11,839 Here are your first assignments. 71 00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:15,936 You know, I've never really sucked up to anyone before. 72 00:03:16,030 --> 00:03:18,255 Sure, I've lied, scammed, grifted, 73 00:03:18,315 --> 00:03:20,181 but this feels different. 74 00:03:20,242 --> 00:03:21,366 Special. 75 00:03:21,518 --> 00:03:23,518 Well, I'm a Van Houten. 76 00:03:23,579 --> 00:03:26,112 Watch and learn. 77 00:03:26,265 --> 00:03:29,541 Dang! Looks like I got the handsomest golfer 78 00:03:29,693 --> 00:03:31,451 in the whole damn club! 79 00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:33,620 -(shudders) -(groans) 80 00:03:33,756 --> 00:03:36,289 You fine, boy! 81 00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:38,366 Hmm, you're new. 82 00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:41,327 Uh, that's why they assigned me to you. 83 00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:43,222 The best way to learn the course 84 00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:45,057 is by watching a master carve it up 85 00:03:45,250 --> 00:03:47,017 like a Thanksgiving turkey. 86 00:03:48,253 --> 00:03:49,427 Hmm. 87 00:03:49,621 --> 00:03:50,787 Hmm. That does sound 88 00:03:50,806 --> 00:03:51,972 like something they would say. 89 00:03:52,066 --> 00:03:54,399 (chuckles) Let's play some golf. 90 00:03:54,592 --> 00:03:56,068 (exhales): Whew. 91 00:03:56,261 --> 00:03:57,719 (grunting) 92 00:03:57,780 --> 00:03:59,145 Wait till my friends hear I caddied 93 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:01,815 for Kent "The Straight Dope" Brockman. 94 00:04:01,967 --> 00:04:03,742 We watch you every night. 95 00:04:03,935 --> 00:04:07,079 Really? I thought youngsters got their news from the Internet. 96 00:04:07,230 --> 00:04:10,898 Pfft. No way. My boys think broadcast news is the swagness. 97 00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:13,085 And the girls call you "a snack." 98 00:04:13,278 --> 00:04:15,420 Hope it's okay for me to use the current lingo. 99 00:04:15,613 --> 00:04:17,422 The snack will allow it. 100 00:04:17,615 --> 00:04:20,241 Stacy and I, well, it's, uh... 101 00:04:20,302 --> 00:04:21,318 it's complicated. 102 00:04:21,420 --> 00:04:23,077 Isn't it always? 103 00:04:23,097 --> 00:04:25,597 She's a terrific person and a top-notch meteorologist. 104 00:04:25,790 --> 00:04:28,658 But if I'm dodging her calls after three months... 105 00:04:28,719 --> 00:04:31,085 I think you've already made up your mind. 106 00:04:31,105 --> 00:04:33,997 You just don't want to admit it, 'cause you're a kind person. 107 00:04:34,057 --> 00:04:36,191 Mm. Guilty as charged. 108 00:04:38,279 --> 00:04:39,503 You da man! 109 00:04:39,563 --> 00:04:42,506 Muzzle your nonsense, imbecile! 110 00:04:42,566 --> 00:04:44,024 Said da man! 111 00:04:44,118 --> 00:04:45,617 This is "The Straight Dope," 112 00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:48,011 thanking you for a wonderful round. 113 00:04:48,030 --> 00:04:49,679 BART: This is it. The moment of trut. 114 00:04:49,740 --> 00:04:51,272 Did I kiss enough butt? 115 00:04:51,292 --> 00:04:53,517 Only money will tell. 116 00:04:53,577 --> 00:04:55,185 (shudders) 117 00:04:55,245 --> 00:04:57,037 I thought all money was the same. 118 00:04:57,131 --> 00:04:59,631 But the best money is peeled off a wad. 119 00:04:59,783 --> 00:05:01,800 ♪ Cash rules everything around me ♪ 120 00:05:01,951 --> 00:05:03,135 ♪ C.R.E.A.M., get the money ♪ 121 00:05:03,286 --> 00:05:05,211 ♪ Dollar dollar bill, y'all ♪ 122 00:05:05,306 --> 00:05:07,197 ♪ Cash rules everything around me ♪ 123 00:05:07,257 --> 00:05:08,456 ♪ C.R.E.A.M., get the money ♪ 124 00:05:08,559 --> 00:05:10,550 ♪ Dollar dollar bill, y'all ♪ 125 00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,460 ♪ Cash rules everything around me ♪ 126 00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:13,812 ♪ C.R.E.A.M., get the money ♪ 127 00:05:14,005 --> 00:05:15,722 ♪ Dollar dollar bill, y'all ♪ 128 00:05:15,874 --> 00:05:17,482 ♪ Cash rules everything around me ♪ 129 00:05:17,675 --> 00:05:19,967 ♪ C.R.E.A.M., get the money. ♪ 130 00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:22,470 There's my number one son. 131 00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:25,807 Come sit next to your proud papa, workin' man. 132 00:05:25,868 --> 00:05:27,475 We're all proud of you. 133 00:05:27,536 --> 00:05:29,052 I'm sure Bart will learn a lot 134 00:05:29,112 --> 00:05:31,888 carrying a bag of sticks from place to place. 135 00:05:31,990 --> 00:05:34,816 They're called golf bats, Lis. 136 00:05:34,877 --> 00:05:36,984 Nice starter wad. 137 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,320 You want to see what I'm rolling with? 138 00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:42,448 Whoa! That rubber band is just straining! 139 00:05:42,551 --> 00:05:43,567 Can I hold it? 140 00:05:43,627 --> 00:05:44,918 Hey, be careful with that! 141 00:05:45,054 --> 00:05:46,053 -Whoa! -(Homer moans) 142 00:05:47,056 --> 00:05:49,573 No-static dryer sheets? 143 00:05:49,633 --> 00:05:51,758 You pad your wad? 144 00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:53,334 (gasping) 145 00:05:53,354 --> 00:05:55,261 I'm not the father you thought you married! 146 00:05:55,356 --> 00:05:57,171 (crying) 147 00:05:57,191 --> 00:05:58,607 -(sprinklers running) -(golf club strikes ball) 148 00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:00,675 Look, Maggie. 149 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,769 Your brother is doing a job. 150 00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:04,345 Aren't you proud of him? 151 00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:06,013 Aren't you? (chuckles) 152 00:06:06,075 --> 00:06:07,324 Want to sneak a peek? 153 00:06:08,911 --> 00:06:12,946 ...and in the end, everyone lost money but me. 154 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,356 Wow. I've learned so much today, 155 00:06:15,417 --> 00:06:18,952 about golf, life and oil leases. 156 00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:22,530 I wish I had tribal land for you to build a pipeline on. 157 00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:25,884 I'd be honored if you'd frack under my house someday, sir. 158 00:06:28,764 --> 00:06:32,432 Ugh. I've never seen my son... suck up before. 159 00:06:33,802 --> 00:06:35,452 Easy money. Mwah. 160 00:06:35,470 --> 00:06:38,788 You don't kiss all the golfers' butts like that, do you? 161 00:06:38,807 --> 00:06:41,900 Oh, Mom. These rich guys expect a little... (smooching) 162 00:06:42,051 --> 00:06:44,628 in exchange for some... ah. 163 00:06:44,646 --> 00:06:46,053 It's no big deal. 164 00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:48,907 On one hand, I'm glad you're being polite. 165 00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:50,316 On the other hand... 166 00:06:50,452 --> 00:06:52,411 (shudders loudly) 167 00:06:52,604 --> 00:06:55,580 Wow, I never thought of it that way, Mom. 168 00:06:55,773 --> 00:06:58,417 No one looks out for me the way you do. 169 00:06:58,610 --> 00:07:00,401 You are the shining star 170 00:07:00,462 --> 00:07:02,921 that guides this family through the darkness. 171 00:07:03,114 --> 00:07:05,406 Oh, aren't you sweet. 172 00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:08,242 Why don't we stop by the skateboard store on the way home 173 00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:09,486 and I'll buy you... (gasps) 174 00:07:09,588 --> 00:07:10,595 (grumbles) 175 00:07:10,788 --> 00:07:11,746 Suck-up. 176 00:07:11,807 --> 00:07:13,223 (cackling) 177 00:07:17,995 --> 00:07:20,013 So, there we are on the 18th green. 178 00:07:20,165 --> 00:07:21,831 The course has been a bear all morning. 179 00:07:21,892 --> 00:07:24,017 I tell Judge Snyder to shut that all out 180 00:07:24,169 --> 00:07:25,426 and just be in the moment. 181 00:07:25,487 --> 00:07:27,612 -He nods, plants his feet. -(gasps) Mm-hmm? 182 00:07:27,764 --> 00:07:29,839 -And, in one smooth motion... -Mm? 183 00:07:29,900 --> 00:07:32,701 -...tips me 50 bucks! -(gasps) 184 00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:35,862 Wow. Just... wow. 185 00:07:36,014 --> 00:07:38,698 Why do I suddenly want to bring Bart's car around? 186 00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,500 (Bart humming) 187 00:07:42,004 --> 00:07:44,296 Here you go. Buy yourself a bigger tip jar. 188 00:07:44,489 --> 00:07:45,705 (bell dings) 189 00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:47,524 (plays note on harmonica) 190 00:07:47,584 --> 00:07:49,526 ♪ Tip's in the jar, grateful we are ♪ 191 00:07:49,544 --> 00:07:51,544 ♪ Praised be your name, you've raised the game ♪ 192 00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,454 ♪ Some give us zip, it's such a rip ♪ 193 00:07:53,474 --> 00:07:55,381 ♪ Shame them with song, they're in the wrong ♪ 194 00:07:55,476 --> 00:07:56,808 ♪ All of the grown-ups in here just... ♪ 195 00:07:57,001 --> 00:07:58,218 Doesn't it bother you 196 00:07:58,312 --> 00:07:59,886 that Bart made that money... 197 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:02,630 (quietly): sucking up to those golfers? 198 00:08:02,691 --> 00:08:04,966 Marge, sucking up is the American way. 199 00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,634 In this country, everybody got together 200 00:08:06,695 --> 00:08:08,895 and decided that all the money should belong 201 00:08:09,047 --> 00:08:11,881 to a few dozen families and their favorite suck-ups. 202 00:08:11,942 --> 00:08:15,309 Don't you remember when we all decided that? 203 00:08:15,370 --> 00:08:17,478 -(groans) -And of all the things 204 00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:19,164 that Bart might do for money, 205 00:08:19,357 --> 00:08:21,407 this is by far the most legal. 206 00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:23,335 Other people are paying our son. 207 00:08:23,486 --> 00:08:24,853 And in cash! 208 00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:27,822 It's both aboveboard and under the table. 209 00:08:27,883 --> 00:08:29,916 That's the dream! 210 00:08:30,052 --> 00:08:32,252 Homie, I know it's not logical, 211 00:08:32,387 --> 00:08:34,420 but when I saw Bart at that golf course, 212 00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:37,590 my mothering spirit just wanted to hurl. 213 00:08:37,743 --> 00:08:39,592 Back me up on this one. 214 00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:42,078 Tell our son he has to quit. 215 00:08:42,138 --> 00:08:44,264 Quit being a caddy? No way! 216 00:08:44,358 --> 00:08:46,266 How much did Mom give you to tell me that? 217 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:48,601 Uh... n-nothing. 218 00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:50,028 Well, I can do better than that. 219 00:08:50,221 --> 00:08:52,272 Will 20 bucks make this go away? 220 00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:54,941 Well, I guess I can tell her I did my best. 221 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:58,278 Tell her you did your... very best. 222 00:08:58,372 --> 00:08:59,687 Mm-hmm. 223 00:08:59,790 --> 00:09:02,098 Now that you got your own pool, 224 00:09:02,117 --> 00:09:04,117 what are you gonna buy next? 225 00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:05,526 I'm thinking of getting one of those booths 226 00:09:05,629 --> 00:09:07,120 that blows money around. 227 00:09:07,272 --> 00:09:09,122 It pays for itself the first time you get in it. 228 00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:10,607 Bart, no! 229 00:09:10,667 --> 00:09:12,551 That wad is your future. 230 00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:15,554 What you need is a good investment vehicle. 231 00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:16,888 Hmm. 232 00:09:17,933 --> 00:09:19,449 (all exclaiming) 233 00:09:19,509 --> 00:09:23,210 "Patented Ultra-Freedom BadAss Technology 234 00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:26,106 stops the engine if the driver puts on a helmet." 235 00:09:26,215 --> 00:09:27,381 -Yes! -Yeah! 236 00:09:27,401 --> 00:09:29,568 After you buy it, can we have rides? 237 00:09:29,761 --> 00:09:32,237 Guys, guys, if I shared my death-mobile, 238 00:09:32,430 --> 00:09:35,073 then you wouldn't be motivated to earn wads of your own. 239 00:09:35,266 --> 00:09:36,908 I'm doing this for you. 240 00:09:37,101 --> 00:09:40,153 Yeah, well, you're acting like a butt wad. 241 00:09:40,289 --> 00:09:41,988 (chuckles): Oh, Nelson. 242 00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:44,641 Saying what you really think will get you nowhere. 243 00:09:44,659 --> 00:09:46,251 -Lousy rich kids. -(grumbling, muttering) 244 00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:47,752 -MARTIN: If I had a quad, I'd share my quad. -Lame. 245 00:09:47,945 --> 00:09:49,879 (huffing angrily) 246 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,257 Mm! 247 00:09:52,426 --> 00:09:55,743 (grumbling loudly) 248 00:09:55,762 --> 00:09:57,987 Okay, okay, I'll tell you what's bothering me. 249 00:09:58,089 --> 00:09:59,656 It's Bart's caddy job. 250 00:09:59,758 --> 00:10:00,932 It's gross, right? 251 00:10:01,125 --> 00:10:02,434 You can tell me it's gross. 252 00:10:02,627 --> 00:10:03,918 You think it's gross? 253 00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:06,754 Well, private golf clubs are pretty evil. 254 00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:08,348 Right. They are. 255 00:10:08,442 --> 00:10:09,774 How so? 256 00:10:11,445 --> 00:10:13,169 Wow, look at all these. 257 00:10:13,229 --> 00:10:15,171 Waste of water resources, 258 00:10:15,231 --> 00:10:16,356 pesticide use, 259 00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:18,450 history of sexism and racism... 260 00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:20,510 And Bart's a suck-up! 261 00:10:20,528 --> 00:10:22,178 Not to mention that private clubs 262 00:10:22,238 --> 00:10:25,181 get huge breaks on their property taxes, 263 00:10:25,241 --> 00:10:26,866 which is completely unfair. 264 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,185 Why shouldn't rich people pay their share? 265 00:10:29,245 --> 00:10:31,612 Lisa, we've got to shut down that club. 266 00:10:31,748 --> 00:10:33,965 We're going to city hall! 267 00:10:34,158 --> 00:10:35,884 ♪ ♪ 268 00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:38,219 (golf ball clacks) 269 00:10:39,831 --> 00:10:41,723 (both grumbling) 270 00:10:46,188 --> 00:10:48,521 -(snarling) -Oh! 271 00:10:51,676 --> 00:10:53,985 Club President Bildorf. 272 00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:55,803 Plays every single day 273 00:10:55,864 --> 00:10:58,305 and never tips less than 100 bucks. 274 00:10:58,367 --> 00:11:01,642 (whistles) Looks like I picked the right summer job. 275 00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:04,329 Mark my words-- his bag will be on my shoulder 276 00:11:04,522 --> 00:11:06,313 before this year's Father-Son 277 00:11:06,375 --> 00:11:09,726 Bingo-Bango-Bongo Best-Ball Scramble. 278 00:11:09,744 --> 00:11:10,985 You know, since school's not in session, 279 00:11:11,046 --> 00:11:13,079 I can finally tell you... 280 00:11:13,231 --> 00:11:14,673 you're awesome. 281 00:11:15,700 --> 00:11:17,417 -Mm... -Hmm? Hmm? 282 00:11:17,552 --> 00:11:19,219 I'll take Simpson. 283 00:11:22,373 --> 00:11:23,256 (chuckles) 284 00:11:23,392 --> 00:11:25,166 Eh, I just won't play. 285 00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:25,850 Mm. 286 00:11:26,002 --> 00:11:27,427 ♪ ♪ 287 00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:30,021 Okay, Mom. You got to get your voice out there. 288 00:11:30,173 --> 00:11:31,856 Take the cause directly to the people 289 00:11:32,049 --> 00:11:34,192 with an online petition. 290 00:11:35,854 --> 00:11:37,320 I got this! 291 00:11:38,189 --> 00:11:39,923 There. 292 00:11:40,024 --> 00:11:42,183 Now all I need is a catchy title. 293 00:11:42,244 --> 00:11:43,259 (gasps) I got it. 294 00:11:43,319 --> 00:11:44,928 "Stop Coddling 295 00:11:44,988 --> 00:11:47,447 the Springfield Junipers Wealthy." 296 00:11:47,541 --> 00:11:49,115 Whoops, too long. Hmm. 297 00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:51,601 How about "Stop Coddling 298 00:11:51,661 --> 00:11:53,119 the S.J.W.s." 299 00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,862 And post. 300 00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:57,440 I wonder if that headline will get any attention. 301 00:11:57,500 --> 00:12:00,719 An online petition attacking our local private golf club 302 00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:03,613 has garnered over one million signatures. 303 00:12:03,673 --> 00:12:05,724 -(both gasp) -One million? 304 00:12:05,917 --> 00:12:07,392 (gasps) Mom, 305 00:12:07,585 --> 00:12:10,377 you used the term "S.J.W." 306 00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:11,712 Yes, I know. 307 00:12:11,732 --> 00:12:13,456 The "Springfield Junipers Wealthy." 308 00:12:13,516 --> 00:12:17,736 No! "S.J.W." stands for "social justice warriors." 309 00:12:17,929 --> 00:12:20,221 That's what right-wing trolls call anyone who cares 310 00:12:20,282 --> 00:12:22,056 about positive social change. 311 00:12:22,117 --> 00:12:24,150 Look at the other online petitions 312 00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:26,411 your "supporters" have backed. 313 00:12:26,604 --> 00:12:28,913 MARGE: Oh, boy. 314 00:12:29,106 --> 00:12:32,233 Um, a signature's a signature? 315 00:12:32,294 --> 00:12:33,585 Thanks to the cranky clicks collected 316 00:12:33,778 --> 00:12:35,661 by local complainer Marge Simpson, 317 00:12:35,814 --> 00:12:37,238 Springfield's golf club will have to pay 318 00:12:37,299 --> 00:12:39,148 a huge property tax increase, 319 00:12:39,167 --> 00:12:41,317 threatening the club's very existence. 320 00:12:41,419 --> 00:12:43,669 In one reporter's unbiased opinion, 321 00:12:43,822 --> 00:12:47,657 closing this par-72 landmark would be a travesty. 322 00:12:47,675 --> 00:12:48,933 One and all would mourn the loss 323 00:12:49,085 --> 00:12:51,102 of this exclusive private green space 324 00:12:51,254 --> 00:12:53,438 and Ramon's famous Bloody Marys. 325 00:12:53,631 --> 00:12:56,065 He uses a golf tee as an olive skewer. 326 00:12:57,060 --> 00:12:58,668 I think it's Ramon. 327 00:12:58,728 --> 00:13:00,670 I finally found something I'm good at, 328 00:13:00,730 --> 00:13:02,688 and you want to ruin it! 329 00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:05,341 You don't know what it's like to bring something into this world, 330 00:13:05,401 --> 00:13:08,678 watch it grow and worry about it day and night. 331 00:13:08,738 --> 00:13:10,363 I love you, Wad. 332 00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:12,624 We're going shopping for rubber bands. 333 00:13:12,817 --> 00:13:15,034 You deserve it! 334 00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:18,187 Simpson, report to the first tee. 335 00:13:18,248 --> 00:13:20,206 You're going to the show. 336 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:21,466 Yes! 337 00:13:22,886 --> 00:13:26,137 Digitaria sanguinalis. 338 00:13:26,330 --> 00:13:29,048 Tell Tetsuo he's fired. 339 00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:31,226 I think it's Tetsuo. 340 00:13:32,628 --> 00:13:34,628 Mr. Club President? 341 00:13:34,689 --> 00:13:36,463 I'm sorry, for a second there, 342 00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,817 I mistook you for a young Pierce Brosnan. 343 00:13:39,010 --> 00:13:39,967 Very young. 344 00:13:40,070 --> 00:13:41,227 Ha! 345 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,655 Spare me, kid. I've heard it all. 346 00:13:43,824 --> 00:13:48,142 Simpson, your mother's campaign is going to bankrupt this club. 347 00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:50,311 I need you to convince her to call it off. 348 00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,979 Oh, I am trying. 349 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:54,499 My mom never backs down, no matter how wrong she is. 350 00:13:54,692 --> 00:13:56,150 (gasps) 351 00:13:56,211 --> 00:13:58,670 That's why she's still married to my dad! 352 00:13:58,863 --> 00:14:02,156 (stammers) Why are charities and churches 353 00:14:02,217 --> 00:14:05,735 the only ones that don't have to pay taxes? 354 00:14:05,753 --> 00:14:07,828 (chuckles): It's preposterous. 355 00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:11,165 Yeah, man, this place is better than any church. 356 00:14:11,226 --> 00:14:13,242 Everyone wants to come here on Sunday, 357 00:14:13,261 --> 00:14:15,186 people are always shouting out the Lord's name 358 00:14:15,379 --> 00:14:16,913 and, instead of wafers and wine, 359 00:14:16,973 --> 00:14:20,433 you get club sandwiches and scotch in a plastic cup! 360 00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:21,934 Bart Simpson, 361 00:14:22,087 --> 00:14:24,253 you've just given me the greatest idea 362 00:14:24,314 --> 00:14:27,773 since little whales embroidered on khakis. 363 00:14:27,868 --> 00:14:29,659 (whales singing) 364 00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:33,279 As of today, the sport of golf 365 00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:35,431 is officially declared a religion. 366 00:14:35,491 --> 00:14:37,191 The Springfield Junipers Golf Club 367 00:14:37,252 --> 00:14:39,285 is now a house of worship. 368 00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:42,772 Like all religions, golf will be completely tax-exempt, 369 00:14:42,832 --> 00:14:44,716 adhering to the core American credo 370 00:14:44,885 --> 00:14:46,885 that churches rake it in but pay nothing. 371 00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:49,387 May Golf have mercy on us all. 372 00:14:50,432 --> 00:14:52,056 Mm. 373 00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,516 (groans) 374 00:14:56,512 --> 00:14:57,787 -(crowd oohing) -MAN: Get in the hole! 375 00:14:57,847 --> 00:14:59,622 (excited murmuring) 376 00:14:59,682 --> 00:15:01,691 (cheering) 377 00:15:08,407 --> 00:15:10,408 Thank you for coming, Your Holinesses. 378 00:15:10,601 --> 00:15:11,984 Once you see how these golfers 379 00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:14,820 are cheapening the whole idea of religion, 380 00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:17,306 you'll put an end to this sham. 381 00:15:17,325 --> 00:15:20,810 You want me to cast judgment on a faith other than my own? 382 00:15:20,828 --> 00:15:22,754 Well, twist my arm. 383 00:15:22,947 --> 00:15:24,330 (laughing) 384 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,740 ♪ I'm alright, Lordy, Lordy ♪ 385 00:15:26,801 --> 00:15:29,594 ♪ Don't nobody worry 'bout me, don't worry ♪ 386 00:15:29,745 --> 00:15:31,578 ♪ You got to gimme a fight ♪ 387 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,673 ♪ Why don't you just let me be? ♪ 388 00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:34,674 ♪ Hallelujah! ♪ 389 00:15:34,826 --> 00:15:35,992 Mm? 390 00:15:36,052 --> 00:15:38,494 Congregants, scripture, prayer-- 391 00:15:38,554 --> 00:15:41,105 looks like a house of worship to me. 392 00:15:41,257 --> 00:15:42,832 (Marge grumbles) 393 00:15:42,892 --> 00:15:44,667 These aren't commandments. 394 00:15:44,727 --> 00:15:46,335 They're jokes I don't get. 395 00:15:46,396 --> 00:15:49,072 Well, there's plenty of saints. 396 00:15:50,266 --> 00:15:51,674 (Italian accent): Blessed Shark, 397 00:15:51,734 --> 00:15:54,360 deliver my son's golf ball safely 398 00:15:54,512 --> 00:15:57,472 onto the green of Pebble Beach's notorious 399 00:15:57,474 --> 00:16:00,750 and evil 17th hole. 400 00:16:02,870 --> 00:16:05,705 Look at this! It's like the high holidays every day. 401 00:16:05,857 --> 00:16:07,023 I should be so lucky. 402 00:16:07,041 --> 00:16:08,541 Marge, I'm sorry, 403 00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:11,285 but I think this religion checks all the boxes. 404 00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:13,721 We're calling it. It's a faith. 405 00:16:17,519 --> 00:16:20,478 I just can't take seeing him like this. 406 00:16:20,671 --> 00:16:22,647 Honey, over the years I've learned 407 00:16:22,798 --> 00:16:25,149 that you just want me to listen to your problems 408 00:16:25,342 --> 00:16:26,818 and not always try to solve them. 409 00:16:27,011 --> 00:16:28,736 So... good luck. 410 00:16:33,184 --> 00:16:35,051 It's Sunday. Shouldn't you be in church? 411 00:16:35,069 --> 00:16:36,402 I mean, your church. 412 00:16:36,554 --> 00:16:39,238 (sighs) I've said a lot to you about this job, 413 00:16:39,390 --> 00:16:40,981 except what's deepest in my heart. 414 00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:44,151 Honey, the thing I've always admired most about you 415 00:16:44,212 --> 00:16:47,488 is that you've never needed anyone else's approval. 416 00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:49,398 And I'm worried you're gonna lose that. 417 00:16:49,459 --> 00:16:51,325 I'm not gonna suck up forever. 418 00:16:51,386 --> 00:16:52,918 Just until I'm rich. 419 00:16:53,054 --> 00:16:55,847 Then other people will suck up to me. 420 00:16:55,998 --> 00:16:58,424 Promise me these golf people won't take away 421 00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:00,167 my special little guy, 422 00:17:00,228 --> 00:17:03,246 because they seem to get everything else they want. 423 00:17:03,264 --> 00:17:04,439 Mwah. 424 00:17:11,388 --> 00:17:13,105 Ready to play, sir? 425 00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:14,681 I see you've got a new diamond earring. 426 00:17:14,743 --> 00:17:16,200 Very age-appropriate. 427 00:17:16,352 --> 00:17:19,111 Bart, you'll never caddy for me again. 428 00:17:19,247 --> 00:17:21,447 Now that your mother's no longer a threat, 429 00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:23,933 I can go back to Chadlington here. 430 00:17:23,951 --> 00:17:27,361 Him?! But my religion idea saved the club! 431 00:17:27,497 --> 00:17:28,938 I should be your caddy. 432 00:17:28,998 --> 00:17:30,030 I earned it! 433 00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:31,365 Earned? 434 00:17:31,468 --> 00:17:34,385 Earning things is so... 435 00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:35,386 tennis. 436 00:17:35,597 --> 00:17:38,056 Golf is about privilege. 437 00:17:38,224 --> 00:17:40,800 Fine. But someday I'm gonna be a member here, 438 00:17:40,952 --> 00:17:43,210 and I'm gonna be cool to the caddies. 439 00:17:43,271 --> 00:17:45,121 Uh, you, a member? 440 00:17:45,181 --> 00:17:47,047 (laughing): Oh, look, 441 00:17:47,108 --> 00:17:48,900 you made Chadlington laugh. 442 00:17:49,093 --> 00:17:50,902 (high-pitched chuckling) 443 00:17:51,095 --> 00:17:54,388 Look, there's no path from where you are to where I am. 444 00:17:54,491 --> 00:17:57,366 Once a suck-up, always a suck-up. 445 00:17:58,453 --> 00:18:00,136 (grunts) 446 00:18:00,238 --> 00:18:01,621 -♪ -(panting) 447 00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:05,208 Mm? 448 00:18:06,735 --> 00:18:08,086 Well, I earned this. 449 00:18:08,279 --> 00:18:11,714 Sorry, buddy, but it's time to say goodbye. 450 00:18:12,783 --> 00:18:13,740 (golf club strikes ball) 451 00:18:13,802 --> 00:18:14,984 -Ah! -LOVEJOY: Fore! 452 00:18:15,086 --> 00:18:16,260 You joined? 453 00:18:16,453 --> 00:18:17,837 They gave us a group deal. 454 00:18:17,989 --> 00:18:19,655 And they lifted their restrictions. 455 00:18:19,757 --> 00:18:20,765 What's not to like? 456 00:18:20,916 --> 00:18:22,491 Everything's not to like! 457 00:18:22,552 --> 00:18:24,084 These people are horrible. 458 00:18:24,145 --> 00:18:26,679 Their stupid shoes clack-clack-clack everywhere. 459 00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:30,015 The snack shop buffalo wings are microwaved and... 460 00:18:30,151 --> 00:18:32,944 -(engine revving) -What the...? 461 00:18:33,095 --> 00:18:35,863 ♪ ♪ 462 00:18:40,903 --> 00:18:42,203 (quacking) 463 00:18:46,242 --> 00:18:48,534 You made one mistake, Bildorf! 464 00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:51,129 You forgot about the wad. 465 00:18:51,322 --> 00:18:53,189 It can buy a pretty nice ATV 466 00:18:53,249 --> 00:18:56,134 or rent a whole bunch of them! 467 00:18:56,327 --> 00:18:57,543 ♪ ♪ 468 00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:59,303 -(shouting) -(engines revving) 469 00:18:59,496 --> 00:19:00,454 Booyah! 470 00:19:00,557 --> 00:19:01,806 Oh, no. 471 00:19:01,957 --> 00:19:04,791 (high-pitched whimpering) 472 00:19:04,853 --> 00:19:06,369 Kid power! 473 00:19:06,387 --> 00:19:08,521 (engines revving) 474 00:19:10,024 --> 00:19:10,964 (exclaims) 475 00:19:11,025 --> 00:19:12,299 Look at me! 476 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,635 I'm playing golf! 477 00:19:14,696 --> 00:19:16,379 (laughing) 478 00:19:16,439 --> 00:19:19,991 Rum-Ta-Tum, your time has come! 479 00:19:20,184 --> 00:19:21,534 RALPH: Whee! 480 00:19:22,704 --> 00:19:24,495 (laughing) 481 00:19:24,688 --> 00:19:26,956 Class warfare! (giggling) 482 00:19:31,487 --> 00:19:32,895 Bart Simpson, 483 00:19:32,914 --> 00:19:34,380 the next time you want to make a point... 484 00:19:34,531 --> 00:19:38,567 (chuckles) I would prefer you use your words. 485 00:19:38,628 --> 00:19:42,847 Did you honestly think a little vandalism would shut us down? 486 00:19:42,998 --> 00:19:45,074 (chuckles) Greens can be reseeded, 487 00:19:45,134 --> 00:19:48,427 traps re-sanded, roughs unsmoothed. 488 00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:49,854 The club will go on. 489 00:19:50,005 --> 00:19:51,505 (siren wailing) 490 00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:55,151 Ah, and here are the police to take you to jail. 491 00:19:56,687 --> 00:19:59,422 This is a raid! We're closing the club down! 492 00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:01,273 Bildorf, you're under arrest. 493 00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:03,201 (scoffs) Me? 494 00:20:03,352 --> 00:20:05,928 But they are the ne'er-do-wells. 495 00:20:05,988 --> 00:20:09,098 I am the head of a legitimate religion. 496 00:20:09,116 --> 00:20:10,449 You sure are. 497 00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:13,118 And like every new religion, sooner or later, 498 00:20:13,213 --> 00:20:15,588 it turns into a sex cult. 499 00:20:21,504 --> 00:20:26,557 In your case, it was really... sooner. 500 00:20:27,584 --> 00:20:29,560 ♪ 501 00:20:31,940 --> 00:20:34,548 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 502 00:20:34,609 --> 00:20:37,217 FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 503 00:20:37,278 --> 00:20:39,403 And FORD. We go further, so you can. 504 00:20:39,596 --> 00:20:41,530 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 505 00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:48,320 -♪ I'm alright ♪ -♪ I'm alright ♪ 506 00:20:48,473 --> 00:20:49,972 ♪ Nobody worry 'bout me ♪ 507 00:20:49,991 --> 00:20:52,491 ♪ Why you got to gimme a fight? ♪ 508 00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:55,753 ♪ Can't you just let it be? ♪ 509 00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:59,072 -♪ I'm alright ♪ -♪ I'm alright ♪ 510 00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:01,241 ♪ Don't nobody worry 'bout me ♪ 511 00:21:01,302 --> 00:21:04,503 -♪ Nobody worry 'bout ♪ -♪ You got to gimme a fight ♪ 512 00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:07,172 ♪ Why don't you just let me be? ♪ 513 00:21:07,267 --> 00:21:10,083 -♪ Let me ♪ -♪ I'm alright ♪ 514 00:21:10,103 --> 00:21:13,662 -♪ I'm alright ♪ -♪ Nobody worry 'bout me ♪ 515 00:21:13,723 --> 00:21:16,165 ♪ Why you got to gimme a fight? ♪ 516 00:21:16,225 --> 00:21:19,685 ♪ Can't you just let it be? ♪ 517 00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:21,779 ♪ I'm alright ♪ 518 00:21:21,948 --> 00:21:25,524 -♪ I'm alright ♪ -♪ I'm alright ♪ 519 00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:27,510 ♪ I'm alright... ♪ 520 00:21:27,570 --> 00:21:29,287 Shh! 521 00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:31,347 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 522 00:21:31,407 --> 00:21:33,349 FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 523 00:21:33,409 --> 00:21:35,200 And FORD. We go further, so you can. 524 00:21:35,295 --> 00:21:36,794 Shh!