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The Simpsons.

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Tonight, on
Guinness Book of World Records,

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a man who holds the current record

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- for least amount of faces, with none!
- Help me!

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You'll also see
the world's smelliest tumor.

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Ew... these records used to be real
accomplishments. Now they're just gross.

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Plus, you'll meet a dog
who can't predict anything.

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Then, three other things.

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When we come back we'll show you
the contents of a supermodel's stomach.

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What an age we live in.

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Oh, look at all that sweet 'n low.

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Hey, remember the '50s?

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Remember television,
Coca-Cola, and Dick Clark?

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I remember television!

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Come join me, Wolfguy Jack,
at Greaser's Cafe

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where it's 1955
every day of the year, baby.

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Actual year may vary.
Consult calendar for current year.

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A '50s-style restaurant.

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What a neat idea.

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Why don't we eat there tonight?

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Ah, we'll go next month.

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Dennis the Menace?

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Yes. I was America's bad boy.

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I once hid my dad's hat.

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And another time,

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I accidentally stepped
in Mr. Wilson's flower bed.

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That was a two-part episode.

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I have to go.

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California, here we come.

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It's not a real car, Grandpa.

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Allen Ginsburgers?

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Unamerican cheese sandwich? Polio dogs?

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It's clever how the names
remind you of the '50s,

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and at the same time,
tell you what there is to eat.

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Wow, look at this old-timey gizmo!

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I feel like I've gone back
in a time machine.

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Dad, they have those everywhere.

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What an age we live in.

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Oh, man.

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Oh, my throat doctor says

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I'm not supposed to do that anymore.

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OK, is everybody ready
for our nightly dance contest?

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Dancing?

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Oh, no, you're not getting me
on that dance floor.

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Don't try and make me.

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If I have to get a divorce I will.

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Our grand prize tonight is a vintage 1955
Harley-Davidson motorcycle.

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Oh! I need a dance partner!

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- What about you?
- OK, Daddy-O.

50
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Hey, hey, set your socks on hop
and your tutti to frutti.

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Here we go with "Mental House Rock"
by Johnny Bobby.

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Doctors threw a party at the loony bin.

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You got to be crazy
if you want to get in.

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Napoleon is playing his imaginary sax.

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The dance floor is filling up
with maniacs.

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Let's rock.

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Do the Mental House Rock...

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Let's rock.

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Do the Mental House Rock.

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Whoa!

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Wow... a '50s nostalgia cafe.

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If you won't dance with the doc.

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He'll give you electroshock
Zap, zap, zap!

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Well, well, well, I've never
seen such reckless disregard

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for a wife's well-being in my life.

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You just won yourselves a motorcycle.

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Whoo-hoo!

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It's mine.

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Finally, I've won the respect
of my fellow ma...

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Get away from it!

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OK, hep cats, let's twirl some
more platters at Greaser's Cafe

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where the '50s are never going away.

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Well, that dream is over.

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At least we still have
each other, right, honey?

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Honey?

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God.

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Man, you're bending the hell
out of that kickstand, Dad.

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Why don't you just take it for a ride?

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Promise you won't laugh?

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Yeah, I promise.

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I don't know how.

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You're kidding?

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You don't know how...

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Will you teach me?

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Of course.

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You showed me everything.

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Oh, you took me by the hand.

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Puppy dogs and Lincoln logs
and castles made of sand.

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You gave me the courage
to spread my newborn wings.

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Like mayonnaise and marmalade
and other spreadable things.

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So I guess you are my hero.

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And there's something you should know

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I want to make it clear
so I'm gonna sing it slow.

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If you weren't a man.

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And my father too

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I'd buy you a diamond ring.

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And then I'd marry you.

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All right, class, today,
we'll be sitting quietly in the dark

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because teacher has a hangover.

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Oh, it's like a chain saw in my head.

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- Later, Homer.
- Sweet hog, Mr. Simpson.

102
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Remember to rebel against authority, kids.

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Don't listen to him, children.

104
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But we already did,

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now I can't get it out of my head!

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Thank you, Nelson.

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The sermon today is on John 4:13.

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I think it was Jesus...

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...who said, "blessed are those..."

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Oh, the heck with it!

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Church dismissed.

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Will you turn that engine off?

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Quiet, Marge.
The motorcycle and I are trying to sleep.

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I know, I know, just tune her out.

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And now, back to your
Tuesday morning movie.

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Oh, I don't know what's come over Jimmy.

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He won't do his homework,
he only salutes the flag with one finger,

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and he comes home every night
with other people's blood on his shirt.

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He's a rebel, I tell you.

120
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A rebel without a cause.

121
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Just like that boy
in that popular movie we saw.

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Yeah, that's the life for me, Marge...

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cruising and hassling shopkeepers.

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When will you teens learn to be
uncool like everyone else?

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- Never, pops.
- That's right, never!

126
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Yeah, you can arrest me,
but you'll never defeat the Cobras.

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Nothing can defeat a motorcycle gang.

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A gang.

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- That's the answer.
- Answer to what?

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Hey, don't make me hassle you, Lisa.

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You know, if you want to be in the gang,

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eventually you're gonna
have to get motorcycles.

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Yeah, we know.

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Hey, Homer, can I join?

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This gang's for rebels, Flanders,

136
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- not conformos.
- Yeah.

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- That's right.
- Buzz off.

138
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Well, if I were a member,

139
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we could use my rumpus room as our lair.

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That guy just don't get it, do he?

141
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My rumpus room
with the new bumper pool table?

142
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- Bumper pool!
- You're kidding me.

143
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The first meeting of Hell's Satans

144
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is called to order.

145
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I move we reconsider our club name.

146
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Make it something
a little less blasphemous.

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After all...
we don't want to go to hell.

148
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How about the Devil's Pals?

149
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- No.
- Or the Christ Punchers?

150
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The Christ...
I don't think you understand my objection.

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I'm the president
and the decision is mine.

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We're Hell's Satans.

153
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Besides, I already made our club jackets.

154
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Oh, machine wash warm.

155
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Tumble dry... ooh la la.

156
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Wait up, guys.

157
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I got to empty my grass bag.

158
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Hell's Satans, huh?

159
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I'm watching you punks.

160
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Can't hassle us, pig.

161
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We're going the speed limit.

162
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Oink, oink, oink.

163
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You'll make a mistake some day,

164
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and then you're going straight to juvie.

165
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You can lock us away,

166
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but you'll never defeat the Cobras.

167
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- The Cobras?
- I thought you were the Hell's Satans.

168
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Well, uh... Oink, oink, oink.

169
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Oh, how can I be down a thousand bucks?

170
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Get away from my store,
you young hoodlums.

171
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And what if we don't, pops?

172
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- He's got a broom.
- Let's get out of here.

173
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Forget the pennies. Go, go!

174
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You promised me, no more brooms.

175
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I know this is not your way,
but we're in America now.

176
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They printed my photo of our gang.

177
00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:06,165
Oh, looks great.

178
00:11:06,248 --> 00:11:07,917
Can't take a bad picture of that guy.

179
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:11,921
You took a picture of me
when I was asleep?

180
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If you'd been awake,
you would have said no.

181
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You can see the bind I was in.

182
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"Her turn-ons include thievery and liquor.

183
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Her turn-offs include

184
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underpants, pedestrians, and justice." Oh!

185
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What in the world?

186
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We're the Hell's Satans
out of Bakersfield.

187
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You're the Hell's Satans?

188
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What a fun coincidence.

189
00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:50,084
My gang's name is also the...

190
00:11:50,584 --> 00:11:51,919
Shut up!

191
00:11:52,002 --> 00:11:54,338
You stole our club name.

192
00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:57,174
According to our bylaws,
we got to stomp you.

193
00:11:58,342 --> 00:12:00,636
- Take off that jacket, man.
- OK.

194
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Now, eat it.

195
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All right.

196
00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:15,401
Hey, hey, chew with your mouth closed,
please.

197
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Sorry.

198
00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:19,321
Done.

199
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:22,450
OK, Meathook,
I think he learned his lesson.

200
00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:23,993
Oh, man.

201
00:12:24,076 --> 00:12:27,079
Now you got to eat that, too.

202
00:12:27,163 --> 00:12:29,457
You got anything else with our logo on it?

203
00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:31,292
Caps and frisbees, sir.

204
00:12:31,375 --> 00:12:33,085
You've got to eat them, too.

205
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:34,545
And some pogs.

206
00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:54,982
You keep it.

207
00:13:04,366 --> 00:13:07,828
I think it's great
you've chosen to "crash" here,

208
00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:10,289
but do you have to be so messy?

209
00:13:10,372 --> 00:13:13,542
Yeah, it's part of being
a low-life.

210
00:13:18,339 --> 00:13:21,801
Hello, police, can you send a SWAT team

211
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:25,262
to 742 Evergreen Terr...

212
00:13:25,346 --> 00:13:29,391
Forget it, Simpson. Those pig noises
you made really hurt my feelings...

213
00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:31,352
looking like a pig as I do.

214
00:13:31,435 --> 00:13:33,646
But you have so much inner beauty.

215
00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:35,815
Well, uh, be that as it may...

216
00:13:35,898 --> 00:13:38,025
uh, the gang is wanted
in eight other states

217
00:13:38,108 --> 00:13:40,152
and we have a little saying around here,

218
00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:41,904
"Let Michigan handle it."

219
00:13:52,373 --> 00:13:54,375
Stop that!

220
00:13:54,458 --> 00:13:57,670
If you want some food
I'll be happy to make you some breakfast.

221
00:13:57,753 --> 00:13:59,046
I'd kill for some waffles.

222
00:13:59,129 --> 00:14:01,882
He has. Remember the IHOP in Oakland?

223
00:14:12,351 --> 00:14:14,270
Hey, this is a lot better
than that rancid filth

224
00:14:14,353 --> 00:14:15,688
we find in the dumpsters.

225
00:14:15,771 --> 00:14:17,314
Thank you, Ramrod.

226
00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:20,401
Marge, how did you get my jacket so clean?

227
00:14:20,484 --> 00:14:23,571
I've tried everything to get those blood
and puke stains out.

228
00:14:23,654 --> 00:14:25,990
I've tried hitting 'em,
I've tried yelling at 'em...

229
00:14:26,073 --> 00:14:29,326
All it takes is the right cleanser
and a little elbow grease.

230
00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:32,121
Do you have anything that will get
this emblem back on my jacket?

231
00:14:32,204 --> 00:14:33,831
I tried spitting at it, you know, but...

232
00:14:33,914 --> 00:14:35,875
Just put it on my sewing pile.

233
00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:39,628
OK, I'm doing another load of bandannas.

234
00:14:44,091 --> 00:14:46,343
Hey, hey, that's leave-in conditioner.

235
00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:48,345
You're done. Next.

236
00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:50,639
Dad, I'm tired of bathing in the yard,

237
00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:53,309
plus I think Rod and Todd are watching.

238
00:14:53,392 --> 00:14:55,060
No, we're not.

239
00:14:58,606 --> 00:15:02,192
OK, bikers, that's it.
Benjamin Franklin once said

240
00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:05,112
that house guests are like fish
that... that... huh?

241
00:15:05,195 --> 00:15:07,823
They're gone. Whoo-hoo!

242
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:11,160
And those bikers saw
that hard look in my eye...

243
00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:13,037
you know that hard look I get sometimes,

244
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:15,372
and they ran away like schoolgirls

245
00:15:15,456 --> 00:15:17,374
with their tails between their legs.

246
00:15:20,336 --> 00:15:21,211
Way to go, Dad.

247
00:15:21,295 --> 00:15:22,880
Hey, where's the food?

248
00:15:22,963 --> 00:15:24,715
And why aren't I at school?

249
00:15:24,798 --> 00:15:27,468
Yeah, someone really
dropped the ball here.

250
00:15:27,551 --> 00:15:30,012
Marge? Marge?

251
00:15:30,095 --> 00:15:32,348
Dad, there's a note
on the back of your head.

252
00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:33,724
Really? Read it.

253
00:15:33,807 --> 00:15:37,227
Hmm. "Thanks for letting us
crash in your pad.

254
00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:38,687
We had a very nice time."

255
00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:39,939
Aw, that's sweet.

256
00:15:40,022 --> 00:15:41,398
"PS: We've taken your old lady."

257
00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:51,283
Could you at least tell me

258
00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:53,160
what you're planning to do with me?

259
00:15:53,243 --> 00:15:55,537
Oh, don't worry. You're completely safe.

260
00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:59,291
- None of us finds you sexually attractive.
- None of you?

261
00:15:59,375 --> 00:16:02,503
Really? I could have sworn that Ramrod...

262
00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:06,715
Mm. Well, did you see
that picture of me in...

263
00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:09,134
And you still don't...

264
00:16:09,218 --> 00:16:10,552
Sorry.

265
00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:13,347
Hmm. Well, good, I guess.

266
00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:18,185
Now don't worry, I'm gonna search
high and low for your mother,

267
00:16:18,268 --> 00:16:19,979
but just in case I don't find her...

268
00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:22,272
I want you to contact this agency.

269
00:16:22,356 --> 00:16:24,733
Korean love brides?

270
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:26,235
I just don't want to be alone.

271
00:16:39,540 --> 00:16:41,291
Well, look here, baby...

272
00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:43,502
Excuse me, has anyone seen
a woman wearing...

273
00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:50,092
That's more like it.

274
00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:51,635
I'm looking for...

275
00:16:58,767 --> 00:17:01,020
I'll show you.

276
00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:07,568
OK, we kind of got off
on the wrong foot there.

277
00:17:07,651 --> 00:17:10,946
Long story short, my "old lady" was...

278
00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:15,826
Uh? Whazza...

279
00:17:15,909 --> 00:17:18,120
Some people never learn.

280
00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:20,873
All right, Satans,

281
00:17:20,956 --> 00:17:23,625
- we roll out at dawn.
- Where are we going?

282
00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:27,379
To the bikers' jamboree
in South Dakota. You'll love it.

283
00:17:27,463 --> 00:17:29,548
Mickey Rourke's coming
and we're going to jump him.

284
00:17:29,631 --> 00:17:33,010
You know, there's more to life
than boozing and roughhousing.

285
00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:36,513
Haven't any of you ever had a dream?

286
00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:38,223
Yeah, I had a dream.

287
00:17:38,307 --> 00:17:40,392
I was in this beautiful garden

288
00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:43,020
pounding the crap out of
a shopkeeper and then...

289
00:17:43,103 --> 00:17:47,107
No, no, I mean the dream
of a good job, a loving family,

290
00:17:47,191 --> 00:17:50,360
- and a home in the suburbs.
- Oh, man.

291
00:17:50,444 --> 00:17:53,447
To get all that you'd have to
kill, like, 50 people.

292
00:17:53,530 --> 00:17:55,657
No, you don't have to kill anyone.

293
00:17:55,741 --> 00:18:00,704
Not if you have jobs. And the first step
is an eye-catching "resumay."

294
00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:03,290
No, I believe it's pronounced resume.

295
00:18:03,373 --> 00:18:04,833
Actually both are acceptable.

296
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:07,294
Yeah, I did see some bikers

297
00:18:07,377 --> 00:18:09,254
ride by here with a blue-haired woman

298
00:18:09,338 --> 00:18:12,174
about ten minutes ago.
Said they were gonna spend the night

299
00:18:12,257 --> 00:18:16,095
at Crystal Lake Campground,
section K, space 217.

300
00:18:16,178 --> 00:18:18,347
I'm sorry I can't be of more help.

301
00:18:18,430 --> 00:18:20,099
I guess I'll never find her.

302
00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:24,478
And when you get a job interview

303
00:18:24,561 --> 00:18:27,606
try not to call your employer a punk...

304
00:18:27,689 --> 00:18:29,733
- or a skank.
- Makes sense.

305
00:18:29,817 --> 00:18:32,361
Oh, don't call them skanks.

306
00:18:32,444 --> 00:18:34,113
Uh, Miss Simpson,

307
00:18:34,196 --> 00:18:35,906
I killed my pencil.

308
00:18:35,989 --> 00:18:39,868
Broke. You broke your pencil.

309
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:42,121
I broke him.

310
00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:44,456
That's right,
and what else have we learned?

311
00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:48,460
That, uh, violence is wrong.

312
00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:50,420
Excellent, Ramrod.

313
00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:53,215
Civilized people solve
their disputes with words.

314
00:18:55,050 --> 00:18:57,845
Homer, stop! No, you don't understand!

315
00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:05,477
Marge... What do we do here, Marge?

316
00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:06,895
He's using violence.

317
00:19:07,896 --> 00:19:09,064
Talk to him.

318
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:10,774
Use your words.

319
00:19:10,858 --> 00:19:12,776
Homer, Homer, stop it.

320
00:19:12,860 --> 00:19:15,070
We've given up our violent ways.

321
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:17,156
We just wanna live peacefully...

322
00:19:17,239 --> 00:19:18,991
- with your wife.
- No!

323
00:19:19,074 --> 00:19:22,369
My wife is not a doobie
to be passed around.

324
00:19:22,452 --> 00:19:25,164
I took a sacred vow on my wedding day

325
00:19:25,247 --> 00:19:27,374
to bogart her forever.

326
00:19:27,457 --> 00:19:29,751
Oh, Homie.

327
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:32,171
There's only one reasonable way
to settle this...

328
00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:36,008
you and me, in the circle of death.

329
00:19:36,091 --> 00:19:38,635
Oh, I just swept the circle of death.

330
00:19:45,225 --> 00:19:47,352
Fight, fight, fight, fight.

331
00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:07,289
We both knew it'd come to this.

332
00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:09,625
You and me, chopper to chopper.

333
00:20:21,011 --> 00:20:23,847
You know what I'm gonna do
after I kill you?

334
00:20:23,931 --> 00:20:26,391
- Take your wallet.
- Never.

335
00:20:26,475 --> 00:20:28,310
It was a gift from Newsweek.

336
00:20:30,437 --> 00:20:31,813
Homer!

337
00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:42,324
Give me back my wife.

338
00:20:42,407 --> 00:20:44,201
OK, OK, you win.

339
00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:50,249
I don't blame you
for wanting her back so bad.

340
00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:51,917
A woman like that only comes along

341
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,378
every couple of miles.

342
00:20:54,461 --> 00:20:57,589
Hey, can we at least keep her
till the orgy in San Berdoo?

343
00:20:57,673 --> 00:20:59,466
- What do you say, honey?
- No!

344
00:20:59,549 --> 00:21:01,343
No dice.

345
00:21:03,845 --> 00:21:05,597
Good-bye, everybody.

346
00:21:05,681 --> 00:21:07,557
Bye, Mrs. Simpson.

347
00:21:07,641 --> 00:21:09,726
- Good-bye, Marge.
- Bye-bye, Mrs. S.

348
00:21:09,810 --> 00:21:12,980
We'll stop at the nearest town
and mail our "resumays."

349
00:21:13,063 --> 00:21:15,357
Resumays... it still sounds weird to me.

350
00:21:26,243 --> 00:21:28,036
Why are we stopping here?

351
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:31,456
Taking care of some unfinished business.

352
00:21:33,333 --> 00:21:35,836
- Hey...
- Go, go, go.

353
00:22:29,848 --> 00:22:31,850
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