The Simpsons.
Tonight, on Guinness Book of World Records,
a man who holds the current record
- for least amount of faces, with none! - Help me!
You'll also see the world's smelliest tumor.
Ew... these records used to be real accomplishments. Now they're just gross.
Plus, you'll meet a dog who can't predict anything.
Then, three other things.
When we come back we'll show you the contents of a supermodel's stomach.
What an age we live in.
Oh, look at all that sweet 'n low.
Hey, remember the '50s?
Remember television, Coca-Cola, and Dick Clark?
I remember television!
Come join me, Wolfguy Jack, at Greaser's Cafe
where it's 1955 every day of the year, baby.
Actual year may vary. Consult calendar for current year.
A '50s-style restaurant.
What a neat idea.
Why don't we eat there tonight?
Ah, we'll go next month.
Dennis the Menace?
Yes. I was America's bad boy.
I once hid my dad's hat.
And another time,
I accidentally stepped in Mr. Wilson's flower bed.
That was a two-part episode.
I have to go.
California, here we come.
It's not a real car, Grandpa.
Allen Ginsburgers?
Unamerican cheese sandwich? Polio dogs?
It's clever how the names remind you of the '50s,
and at the same time, tell you what there is to eat.
Wow, look at this old-timey gizmo!
I feel like I've gone back in a time machine.
Dad, they have those everywhere.
What an age we live in.
Oh, man.
Oh, my throat doctor says
I'm not supposed to do that anymore.
OK, is everybody ready for our nightly dance contest?
Dancing?
Oh, no, you're not getting me on that dance floor.
Don't try and make me.
If I have to get a divorce I will.
Our grand prize tonight is a vintage 1955 Harley-Davidson motorcycle.
Oh! I need a dance partner!
- What about you? - OK, Daddy-O.
Hey, hey, set your socks on hop and your tutti to frutti.
Here we go with "Mental House Rock" by Johnny Bobby.
Doctors threw a party at the loony bin.
You got to be crazy if you want to get in.
Napoleon is playing his imaginary sax.
The dance floor is filling up with maniacs.
Let's rock.
Do the Mental House Rock...
Let's rock.
Do the Mental House Rock.
Whoa!
Wow... a '50s nostalgia cafe.
If you won't dance with the doc.
He'll give you electroshock Zap, zap, zap!
Well, well, well, I've never seen such reckless disregard
for a wife's well-being in my life.
You just won yourselves a motorcycle.
Whoo-hoo!
It's mine.
Finally, I've won the respect of my fellow ma...
Get away from it!
OK, hep cats, let's twirl some more platters at Greaser's Cafe
where the '50s are never going away.
Well, that dream is over.
At least we still have each other, right, honey?
Honey?
God.
Man, you're bending the hell out of that kickstand, Dad.
Why don't you just take it for a ride?
Promise you won't laugh?
Yeah, I promise.
I don't know how.
You're kidding?
You don't know how...
Will you teach me?
Of course.
You showed me everything.
Oh, you took me by the hand.
Puppy dogs and Lincoln logs and castles made of sand.
You gave me the courage to spread my newborn wings.
Like mayonnaise and marmalade and other spreadable things.
So I guess you are my hero.
And there's something you should know
I want to make it clear so I'm gonna sing it slow.
If you weren't a man.
And my father too
I'd buy you a diamond ring.
And then I'd marry you.
All right, class, today, we'll be sitting quietly in the dark
because teacher has a hangover.
Oh, it's like a chain saw in my head.
- Later, Homer. - Sweet hog, Mr. Simpson.
Remember to rebel against authority, kids.
Don't listen to him, children.
But we already did,
now I can't get it out of my head!
Thank you, Nelson.
The sermon today is on John 4:13.
I think it was Jesus...
...who said, "blessed are those..."
Oh, the heck with it!
Church dismissed.
Will you turn that engine off?
Quiet, Marge. The motorcycle and I are trying to sleep.
I know, I know, just tune her out.
And now, back to your Tuesday morning movie.
Oh, I don't know what's come over Jimmy.
He won't do his homework, he only salutes the flag with one finger,
and he comes home every night with other people's blood on his shirt.
He's a rebel, I tell you.
A rebel without a cause.
Just like that boy in that popular movie we saw.
Yeah, that's the life for me, Marge...
cruising and hassling shopkeepers.
When will you teens learn to be uncool like everyone else?
- Never, pops. - That's right, never!
Yeah, you can arrest me, but you'll never defeat the Cobras.
Nothing can defeat a motorcycle gang.
A gang.
- That's the answer. - Answer to what?
Hey, don't make me hassle you, Lisa.
You know, if you want to be in the gang,
eventually you're gonna have to get motorcycles.
Yeah, we know.
Hey, Homer, can I join?
This gang's for rebels, Flanders,
- not conformos. - Yeah.
- That's right. - Buzz off.
Well, if I were a member,
we could use my rumpus room as our lair.
That guy just don't get it, do he?
My rumpus room with the new bumper pool table?
- Bumper pool! - You're kidding me.
The first meeting of Hell's Satans
is called to order.
I move we reconsider our club name.
Make it something a little less blasphemous.
After all... we don't want to go to hell.
How about the Devil's Pals?
- No. - Or the Christ Punchers?
The Christ... I don't think you understand my objection.
I'm the president and the decision is mine.
We're Hell's Satans.
Besides, I already made our club jackets.
Oh, machine wash warm.
Tumble dry... ooh la la.
Wait up, guys.
I got to empty my grass bag.
Hell's Satans, huh?
I'm watching you punks.
Can't hassle us, pig.
We're going the speed limit.
Oink, oink, oink.
You'll make a mistake some day,
and then you're going straight to juvie.
You can lock us away,
but you'll never defeat the Cobras.
- The Cobras? - I thought you were the Hell's Satans.
Well, uh... Oink, oink, oink.
Oh, how can I be down a thousand bucks?
Get away from my store, you young hoodlums.
And what if we don't, pops?
- He's got a broom. - Let's get out of here.
Forget the pennies. Go, go!
You promised me, no more brooms.
I know this is not your way, but we're in America now.
They printed my photo of our gang.
Oh, looks great.
Can't take a bad picture of that guy.
You took a picture of me when I was asleep?
If you'd been awake, you would have said no.
You can see the bind I was in.
"Her turn-ons include thievery and liquor.
Her turn-offs include
underpants, pedestrians, and justice." Oh!
What in the world?
We're the Hell's Satans out of Bakersfield.
You're the Hell's Satans?
What a fun coincidence.
My gang's name is also the...
Shut up!
You stole our club name.
According to our bylaws, we got to stomp you.
- Take off that jacket, man. - OK.
Now, eat it.
All right.
Hey, hey, chew with your mouth closed, please.
Sorry.
Done.
OK, Meathook, I think he learned his lesson.
Oh, man.
Now you got to eat that, too.
You got anything else with our logo on it?
Caps and frisbees, sir.
You've got to eat them, too.
And some pogs.
You keep it.
I think it's great you've chosen to "crash" here,
but do you have to be so messy?
Yeah, it's part of being a low-life.
Hello, police, can you send a SWAT team
to 742 Evergreen Terr...
Forget it, Simpson. Those pig noises you made really hurt my feelings...
looking like a pig as I do.
But you have so much inner beauty.
Well, uh, be that as it may...
uh, the gang is wanted in eight other states
and we have a little saying around here,
"Let Michigan handle it."
Stop that!
If you want some food I'll be happy to make you some breakfast.
I'd kill for some waffles.
He has. Remember the IHOP in Oakland?
Hey, this is a lot better than that rancid filth
we find in the dumpsters.
Thank you, Ramrod.
Marge, how did you get my jacket so clean?
I've tried everything to get those blood and puke stains out.
I've tried hitting 'em, I've tried yelling at 'em...
All it takes is the right cleanser and a little elbow grease.
Do you have anything that will get this emblem back on my jacket?
I tried spitting at it, you know, but...
Just put it on my sewing pile.
OK, I'm doing another load of bandannas.
Hey, hey, that's leave-in conditioner.
You're done. Next.
Dad, I'm tired of bathing in the yard,
plus I think Rod and Todd are watching.
No, we're not.
OK, bikers, that's it. Benjamin Franklin once said
that house guests are like fish that... that... huh?
They're gone. Whoo-hoo!
And those bikers saw that hard look in my eye...
you know that hard look I get sometimes,
and they ran away like schoolgirls
with their tails between their legs.
Way to go, Dad.
Hey, where's the food?
And why aren't I at school?
Yeah, someone really dropped the ball here.
Marge? Marge?
Dad, there's a note on the back of your head.
Really? Read it.
Hmm. "Thanks for letting us crash in your pad.
We had a very nice time."
Aw, that's sweet.
"PS: We've taken your old lady."
Could you at least tell me
what you're planning to do with me?
Oh, don't worry. You're completely safe.
- None of us finds you sexually attractive. - None of you?
Really? I could have sworn that Ramrod...
Mm. Well, did you see that picture of me in...
And you still don't...
Sorry.
Hmm. Well, good, I guess.
Now don't worry, I'm gonna search high and low for your mother,
but just in case I don't find her...
I want you to contact this agency.
Korean love brides?
I just don't want to be alone.
Well, look here, baby...
Excuse me, has anyone seen a woman wearing...
That's more like it.
I'm looking for...
I'll show you.
OK, we kind of got off on the wrong foot there.
Long story short, my "old lady" was...
Uh? Whazza...
Some people never learn.
All right, Satans,
- we roll out at dawn. - Where are we going?
To the bikers' jamboree in South Dakota. You'll love it.
Mickey Rourke's coming and we're going to jump him.
You know, there's more to life than boozing and roughhousing.
Haven't any of you ever had a dream?
Yeah, I had a dream.
I was in this beautiful garden
pounding the crap out of a shopkeeper and then...
No, no, I mean the dream of a good job, a loving family,
- and a home in the suburbs. - Oh, man.
To get all that you'd have to kill, like, 50 people.
No, you don't have to kill anyone.
Not if you have jobs. And the first step is an eye-catching "resumay."
No, I believe it's pronounced resume.
Actually both are acceptable.
Yeah, I did see some bikers
ride by here with a blue-haired woman
about ten minutes ago. Said they were gonna spend the night
at Crystal Lake Campground, section K, space 217.
I'm sorry I can't be of more help.
I guess I'll never find her.
And when you get a job interview
try not to call your employer a punk...
- or a skank. - Makes sense.
Oh, don't call them skanks.
Uh, Miss Simpson,
I killed my pencil.
Broke. You broke your pencil.
I broke him.
That's right, and what else have we learned?
That, uh, violence is wrong.
Excellent, Ramrod.
Civilized people solve their disputes with words.
Homer, stop! No, you don't understand!
Marge... What do we do here, Marge?
He's using violence.
Talk to him.
Use your words.
Homer, Homer, stop it.
We've given up our violent ways.
We just wanna live peacefully...
- with your wife. - No!
My wife is not a doobie to be passed around.
I took a sacred vow on my wedding day
to bogart her forever.
Oh, Homie.
There's only one reasonable way to settle this...
you and me, in the circle of death.
Oh, I just swept the circle of death.
Fight, fight, fight, fight.
We both knew it'd come to this.
You and me, chopper to chopper.
You know what I'm gonna do after I kill you?
- Take your wallet. - Never.
It was a gift from Newsweek.
Homer!
Give me back my wife.
OK, OK, you win.
I don't blame you for wanting her back so bad.
A woman like that only comes along
every couple of miles.
Hey, can we at least keep her till the orgy in San Berdoo?
- What do you say, honey? - No!
No dice.
Good-bye, everybody.
Bye, Mrs. Simpson.
- Good-bye, Marge. - Bye-bye, Mrs. S.
We'll stop at the nearest town and mail our "resumays."
Resumays... it still sounds weird to me.
Why are we stopping here?
Taking care of some unfinished business.
- Hey... - Go, go, go.
Captioned by Visual Data Media Services