Nothing like reading a well plotted mystery on the beach.
It's amazing how they always solve the crime
just before they run out of pages.
Marge.
James Patterson!
Come with me, Marge.
Help me think of new nursery rhyme-themed titles for my thrillers.
Ooh, how about "Little Bo Peep"?
That's great.
A clue could be her sheep.
Marge, the real mystery is why we're just talking
when I could be kissing your...
I overslept!
The family can't start the day without me.
Relax, baby.
While you were dreaming of me and calling me James,
I took care of everything.
Oh, Homie, you woke up early?
Eh, stumbled home at dawn, same diff.
Now, don't worry.
I packed everyone's lunches and sent
them off into the world.
What kind of lunch is this?
A drawing of a sandwich.
I've got Grampa's medication.
Abe, pull over!
You're not the driver!
Shut up, pizzas!
I've gotta deliver you!
Oh... no lunch for me.
Unless I "scare" one up.
Hey, guys, remember to stick together.
Today is the anniversary
of the Dark Stanley murders.
Tell us all you know.
All right,
imagine I'm holding a flashlight
under my face.
Years ago, Stanley DeGroot
was a cook here at the school.
All the kids made fun of him
because he never graduated
from college.
Stanley, Stanley, no degree.
Two credits short at MIT.
One day,
Stanley picked up a cleaver
and put a new entrée on the menu.
A delectable little dish
called kids' head soup.
Needs more girl.
What happened to Dark Stanley?
They hanged him for murder and
buried him in an unmarked grave.
When they came back the next day,
the whole cemetery was missing!
Try not to think about it.
They say Dark Stanley makes
your skull into a toilet
and wee-wees into it.
And just when you think he's done,
Dark Stanley takes your skin
and makes footy pajamas.
Nobody pajamanates my skin.
This is the very spot
where Dark Stanley comes
to harvest heads for his soup of sorrow.
Why aren't you a-scareded?
Oh, Dark Stanley would never dare attack
a crowded, well-lit...
Dark Stanley's here.
Whoa!
Murther!
Well, Seymour, I certainly
appreciate you letting me
store my collection of antique
cologne bottles in your office
while they recarpet my condo.
It's quite a collection
and, I assume, irreplaceable.
You assume correctly.
Seymour,
Gary.
Simpson, I know you're behind this.
Well, you are going to get some counseling
from our school psychologist.
Dark Stanley's going to eat my brains!
Or from a qualified professional.
But first... Willie, get those kids back!
I'll bring those wee ones back dead or alive.
Not dead.
Ah, ya never let Willie be Willie.
...Zimmerman, Zorx, and...
Zzyzwiski.
Now back to class, all of you.
All right, you heard him.
Back to class.
But we don't go to school.
But you do live in the district.
That's right.
We home-school 'em.
I teach the big ones and the
big ones teach the little ones,
but no one ever taught me,
which makes the whole thing
just an exercise in futility.
Uh-huh.
Skinner, what is going on here?
Sir, if we let these hill folk
into our school, our test scores
would drop so low, we'd lose all federal funding.
I see...
and we've already lost state,
county, and local funding.
Plus our last bake sale was a disaster.
People took bites without buying the cookies.
Yes, we're not very good at anything.
Excuse me.
Lisa Simpson, with the school paper.
Am I to understand you're
purposely denying education
to these children?
That's a total mis...
Well, I wouldn't, uh...
I mean, that is to say, uh...
Uh, you know...
You see, the thing is...
I warn you, young lady, we can fumfur all day.
We, um, it's not that we, um...
You see, what, uh...
I just, we don't, um... ...you're not,
uh, grasping...
We're not really, um...
...the, the, the, the...
You haven't heard the last of this.
Well, I think we've heard the last of this.
No, you haven't.
We're going to have to give this some thought.
Let's sing while we think.
It'll make it more fun for everyone.
How do we gag a blabbermouth like Lisa?
How do we crush her First Amendment rights?
How do we stop her writing up what she saw?
Would she shut her trap
For a gift card from the Gap?
She might
Oh, how do we stop a royal pain like Lisa?
How do we make Miss Righteous
Less uptight?
You have a lovely voice, sir.
Why do you have to make everything weird?
MANQUE QUELQUE CHOSE asked to see me?
Lisa, would you consider tutoring Cletus' children?
You'll be happy,
they'll be happy,
and I can go home and
enjoy some delicious fondue.
Made with the fondue set
I bought you for Christmas?
No. So what do you say, Lisa?
Me? A tutor?
The hillbilly tykes
Will become by tutees.
Whoa! Ah! Oh!
Hey, kids!
The plow done birthed a girl-critter!
Young'uns, this here girl
is come from fairyland to school y'all.
Now, if you need me,
I'll be on the porch
drinkin' Thomsen's Water Seal.
My name's Lisa.
What are your names?
Witney!
Jitney!
Dubya!
Incest!
Crystal Meth!
International Harvester!
Birthday!
Are we gonna do this much work every day?
Why do I have to go to a stupid psychiatrist?
I told a scary story.
Big deal.
Look, boy,
nobody knows better than me that you're a lost cause.
But the school's paying for
five sessions and there's a Chinese
restaurant next door where I can get drunk.
Get ready, Sheila.
This guy likes the act.
Mr. Simpson! You good man!
We happy see you!
You not come long time!
Come sit, drinky-drinky.
Where's Margie?
She super lady!
Bart, my name is Dr. Swanson.
Stop right there, Doc.
This school has sent me
to more therapists than you've had bad dates.
I've looked at the ink blots.
I've played with the puppets.
The whole racket's a hatful of crap.
I see.
Well... I get paid whether
you make progress or not.
Why don't we just kill the time playing videogames?
Yeah, right. I bet you've got a bunch of "learning" games.
Why don't you go online
and look for a boyfriend while I take a nap?
Actually, I just got "Death Kill City II:
Death Kill Stories."
Whoa! You've got "DKC2: DKS"?
That one's rated
"Bad for Everyone."
You have destroyed all human life on earth.
Level 1 complete.
Yes!
And that's how a presidential
veto gets overridden.
Any questions?
How is any of this gonna
put dog meat on my plate?
Hmm. Maybe the best way
to begin your education
is to get you some exposure to the wider world.
So, I'm gonna take you to downtown Springfield!
We gotta get permission from Daddy.
It's all right with me.
And, lastly...
I need a noun.
Booger.
Read it back!
"The county fair is
always sucky to visit
on a hot summer fart."
"You can eat delicious cotton hate,
and ride the Ferris burp
and the Merry-go- booger."
You can't make that stuff up.
What does this tell you, Bart?
That this is one terrible county fair.
And...?
And...
My dad never takes me
on the merry-go-booger.
He's always passed out
in the parking snot.
He's lying!
You drink too many scorpion bowl.
You go sleepy-sleepy now!
Did, uh, did you get his wallet?
Every president has a word balloon that says
"I am gay."
These colorful bums is funny!
And guess what?
Ben and Ken,
the Street Magic Men,
are only the beginning!
The city is a treasure trove of culture,
and multiculture!
Mistos and lattes and grandes and ventis
Browsing at bookstores with fat cognoscentis
Books about Dali,
Degas and Miro
Those are the folks that you yokels should know
Pretentious laughs at Bunuel retrospectives
Outsider art made by mental defectives
Enjoying opry that ain't grand or ole
Comparing Jim Carrey to Dario Fo!
Your minds are opening!
Take it home!
Eating tapas
Freestyle rap artists
Mrs. Skinner is Mame
We finally experienced cultural things
And now they don't seem...
...so lame.
What a number!
You kids got talent!
And I should know. I used to have it.
Hey! You're one of those funny people with a big crazy nose.
- A clown? - No, a...
Joker! That's right!
And I'm not a practicing joker, so I'm not that offended.
Well it's nice to see you again, Krusty,
but these kids have field trip journals to write.
Yeah, yeah, right. Who's your agent?
What's an agent?
Ka-ching!
Finally, I get a chance to use these gag contact lenses.
And then I had this dream that my whole family was just cartoon characters,
and that our success had led to some crazy
propaganda network called "Fox News."
Bart, I think you're making a lot of progress,
but our time is up.
- See ya next Wednesday. - Actually, this was our last session.
Huh?
But we were doing such good work.
Oh, Bart, I truly enjoyed our time together,
but the school only paid for five sessions.
I think I just got dumped.
He used to rob me two, three times a week.
Now, I'm lucky if I get it once a month.
He never initiates it. I have to do all the work.
He just stands there.
Now, now, don't talk through him; talk to him.
Apu, sometimes when I rob you, it's like you're not even there.
That is because you're robbing my brother Sanjay.
- Dude, I didn't know. - Oh, just shut up!
That's right.
I want to hire your entire Appalachian dumpling gang,
and I'll pay them the most anyone on TV is entitled to get: scale!
Now I don't sign nothin' without pretendin' to read it first.
Hamburger, hamburger,
hamburger, hamburger.
Looks good!
Mr. Spuckler, wait! Is this really good for your kids?
Teeny, get her out of here!
Okay kids, let's cut some promos for the affiliates.
You're watching Krusty the Clown on WPPZ in Vero Beach, Florida,
home of the AccuCurl Surf Report!
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!
Hey, hey, kids. Have I got a treat for you.
Put your hands together for the Sharecropper Showstoppers,
The Smashing Bumpkins, The Spuckler Family Singers!
I have eight teeth Going on seven teeth
I have a curvy spine
- We live on landfill - And feast on roadkill
While we all drink Moonshine.
You're better than us!
Look at those dumb hillbillies!
I'll bet they don't even know what...
something is.
Dad, those kids aren't dumb.
This show just perpetuates the stereotype that all yokels are hicks.
Look at those morons.
They sing because they're stupid.
Kids, it's finally happening. Your own prime-time special.
The songs will be written by Broadway's greatest composer:
this guy. What's your name again, fuzz-face?
Stephen Sondheim.
I know you hear this all the time, but I think you're great.
And I'm sure you hear this all the time:
you cost an arm and a leg, so let's get to work.
Here's the opening number.
Hmm, complex harmonies,
intricate lyrics,
pithy observations on modern life.
What is this junk?! Where's the zazz?
- Just do what you did in Cats! - I didn't write Cats.
You didn't?!
Oh, no!
All right, I'll try and save this.
Tell you what. Just give me a peppy vamp.
Okay. And I can counterpoint it with...
No counterpoint!
Vamp! Peppy!
Hey! This peppy stuff isn't bad.
Maybe I will right that jingle for Buzz Cola.
President or ayatollah Everyone loves new Buzz Cola
With lemon.
Krusty, the Spuckler kids missed their reading class today.
Yeah? Well, take it up with their manager.
Cletus, I think you're spending too much of the kids' earnings on yourself.
That's a lie!
I ain't spent their money on naught but necessities.
Sir, your solid gold hound dog is here.
Uh... how do we get the real dog out?
Do you think I'm telling people not to have a cow
because deep down I want them to have a cow?
I saw you yesterday in the dining room,
and I didn't know if I should say "hi" or not.
How can I help you?
Dr. Swanson, I'm Bart's mother.
I've been saving this money for my husband's breast reduction surgery,
but I think this is more important.
Would you please see Bart again?
Of course. Send him in.
Bart, honey,
this is all we can afford for now.
If it doesn't work,
maybe when you're an adult, you can pay some lady
to make you happy for an hour.
You know, I'm pretty sure I will.
And I wasn't planned, so when I came,
my parents had to get married.
And they were too young, and not ready for a kid to screw up their lives.
Maybe I act out because...
if my parents are mad at me,
they can't fight with each other.
And maybe that's why you do things like scare your classmates with Dark Stanley
Yeah.
That and Stanley was the brand of hammer my Dad used to hit me with.
Very Good.
Bart, we have 20 minutes left.
Is there anything else you want to talk about?
You know what?
I think I'm good.
Oh. Oh good. Good. Good. Will I see you again?
Anything can happen. One of these days, I might have a complete psychotic breakdown.
Ahh. I'd like that.
I just can't stop thinking about him.
Do you think Bart is replacing your son, who was killed by Dark Stanley?
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. I'm not ready to go there.
You kids finished signing those 8x10's.
I told 5 different dry-cleaners, they's the best.
Ain't that lying Mr. Krusty?
I-eh? Maybe. But I got some great news.
Take a look at your new home.
That's right. Your joining Krusty's No-Collar Comedy Tour.
There's butt-crack Barry, Merle Values, Reverend Racist, and Andy Dick.
I'm blue collar. I'm totally blue collar. My dad owns a shovel.
Now kids, don't be a freting and a fussing. I'll be on tour witch-ya.
In my brand new monster truck.
Stop the tour!
Cletus Delroy Spuckler, what have you done to our children?
Brandine...
You're supposed to be in Iraq stopping 9/11.
Did you get the body armor, I sent you?
Sold it for smokes.
Cletus, I had to stop you exploiting the children.
So I sent her an e-mail.
My babies ain't going on no bus tour.
It doesn't matter what you say.
I got a contract signed by the father of these children.
He's only the father of two of them.
The one that can't sing and the one that can't ad-lib.
Nooooo!
Ms. Lisa, we just want to thank you for introducing us to
then saving us from the big wide world around us.
Twern't nothing.
Cletus, we're going home. How much money do we have left?
Uhh. I owe Krusty $12,000
We can live on that.
Baby, you're the greatest.