1
00:00:30,817 --> 00:00:35,047
Nothing like reading a well
plotted mystery on the beach.

2
00:00:35,048 --> 00:00:37,162
It's amazing
how they always solve the crime

3
00:00:37,163 --> 00:00:38,989
just before they run out
of pages.

4
00:00:38,990 --> 00:00:39,851
Marge.

5
00:00:42,018 --> 00:00:44,405
James Patterson!

6
00:00:44,406 --> 00:00:45,706
Come with me, Marge.

7
00:00:45,707 --> 00:00:49,146
Help me think of new
nursery rhyme-themed titles
for my thrillers.

8
00:00:51,386 --> 00:00:54,210
Ooh, how about
"Little Bo Peep"?

9
00:00:54,445 --> 00:00:55,340
That's great.

10
00:00:55,344 --> 00:00:57,221
A clue could
be her sheep.

11
00:00:57,323 --> 00:01:00,568
Marge, the real mystery is
why we're just talking

12
00:01:00,571 --> 00:01:02,929
when I could be kissing your...

13
00:01:05,059 --> 00:01:06,560
I overslept!

14
00:01:06,568 --> 00:01:09,112
The family can't start the day
without me.

15
00:01:09,117 --> 00:01:10,990
Relax, baby.

16
00:01:10,996 --> 00:01:14,281
While you were dreaming of me
and calling me James,

17
00:01:14,288 --> 00:01:16,173
I took care of everything.

18
00:01:16,178 --> 00:01:19,201
Oh, Homie, you woke up early?

19
00:01:19,206 --> 00:01:21,603
Eh, stumbled home at dawn,
same diff.

20
00:01:21,607 --> 00:01:22,571
Now, don't worry.

21
00:01:22,576 --> 00:01:24,652
I packed everyone's
lunches and sent

22
00:01:24,655 --> 00:01:26,481
them off into the world.

23
00:01:26,696 --> 00:01:28,703
What kind of
lunch is this?

24
00:01:28,708 --> 00:01:31,072
A drawing of a sandwich.

25
00:01:31,078 --> 00:01:33,130
I've got Grampa's medication.

26
00:01:34,895 --> 00:01:36,372
Abe, pull over!

27
00:01:36,377 --> 00:01:37,740
You're not the driver!

28
00:01:37,747 --> 00:01:39,242
Shut up, pizzas!

29
00:01:39,245 --> 00:01:40,700
I've gotta deliver you!

30
00:01:43,077 --> 00:01:45,162
Oh... no lunch for me.

31
00:01:49,997 --> 00:01:52,300
Unless I "scare" one up.

32
00:01:52,847 --> 00:01:55,080
Hey, guys, remember
to stick together.

33
00:01:55,086 --> 00:01:57,293
Today is the anniversary

34
00:01:57,298 --> 00:02:00,020
of the Dark Stanley murders.

35
00:02:00,025 --> 00:02:01,262
Tell us all you know.

36
00:02:01,267 --> 00:02:02,013
All right,

37
00:02:02,016 --> 00:02:03,731
imagine I'm holding a flashlight

38
00:02:03,738 --> 00:02:04,950
under my face.

39
00:02:05,336 --> 00:02:07,311
Years ago, Stanley DeGroot

40
00:02:07,318 --> 00:02:09,541
was a cook here at the school.

41
00:02:09,846 --> 00:02:11,490
All the kids made fun of him

42
00:02:11,498 --> 00:02:13,303
because he never graduated

43
00:02:13,308 --> 00:02:14,990
from college.

44
00:02:15,216 --> 00:02:17,853
Stanley, Stanley,
no degree.

45
00:02:17,856 --> 00:02:20,763
Two credits short at MIT.

46
00:02:25,477 --> 00:02:26,430
One day,

47
00:02:26,438 --> 00:02:28,141
Stanley picked up a cleaver

48
00:02:28,146 --> 00:02:30,803
and put a new entrée
on the menu.

49
00:02:40,987 --> 00:02:43,223
A delectable little dish

50
00:02:43,227 --> 00:02:46,620
called kids' head soup.

51
00:02:52,256 --> 00:02:54,441
Needs more girl.

52
00:02:59,275 --> 00:03:02,030
What happened to Dark Stanley?

53
00:03:02,047 --> 00:03:03,533
They hanged him for murder and

54
00:03:03,538 --> 00:03:05,333
buried him in an unmarked grave.

55
00:03:05,336 --> 00:03:06,872
When they came back
the next day,

56
00:03:06,878 --> 00:03:09,283
the whole cemetery was missing!

57
00:03:11,618 --> 00:03:13,351
Try not to think about it.

58
00:03:14,738 --> 00:03:16,882
They say Dark Stanley makes

59
00:03:16,887 --> 00:03:18,582
your skull into a toilet

60
00:03:18,585 --> 00:03:20,360
and wee-wees into it.

61
00:03:20,368 --> 00:03:22,003
And just when you think
he's done,

62
00:03:22,007 --> 00:03:23,533
Dark Stanley takes your skin

63
00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:25,670
and makes footy pajamas.

64
00:03:25,678 --> 00:03:28,261
Nobody pajamanates my skin.

65
00:03:28,367 --> 00:03:29,870
This is the very spot

66
00:03:29,878 --> 00:03:31,091
where Dark Stanley comes

67
00:03:31,098 --> 00:03:33,693
to harvest heads
for his soup of sorrow.

68
00:03:33,718 --> 00:03:35,463
Why aren't you a-scareded?

69
00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:37,490
Oh, Dark Stanley
would never dare attack

70
00:03:37,496 --> 00:03:39,060
a crowded, well-lit...

71
00:03:42,385 --> 00:03:44,312
Dark Stanley's here.

72
00:04:08,887 --> 00:04:09,940
Whoa!

73
00:04:10,387 --> 00:04:11,710
Murther!

74
00:04:11,715 --> 00:04:13,072
Well, Seymour, I certainly

75
00:04:13,078 --> 00:04:14,201
appreciate you letting me

76
00:04:14,205 --> 00:04:15,872
store my collection of antique

77
00:04:15,886 --> 00:04:17,372
cologne bottles in your office

78
00:04:17,375 --> 00:04:19,210
while they recarpet
my condo.

79
00:04:19,215 --> 00:04:20,401
It's quite a collection

80
00:04:20,408 --> 00:04:22,331
and, I assume, irreplaceable.

81
00:04:22,335 --> 00:04:23,661
You assume correctly.

82
00:04:28,705 --> 00:04:29,312
Seymour,

83
00:04:29,647 --> 00:04:30,193
Gary.

84
00:04:34,006 --> 00:04:35,893
Simpson, I know
you're behind this.

85
00:04:35,905 --> 00:04:37,931
Well, you are going
to get some counseling

86
00:04:37,935 --> 00:04:39,453
from our school
psychologist.

87
00:04:39,458 --> 00:04:42,380
Dark Stanley's going
to eat my brains!

88
00:04:42,387 --> 00:04:44,421
Or from a qualified
professional.

89
00:04:44,428 --> 00:04:47,593
But first... Willie,
get those kids back!

90
00:04:48,855 --> 00:04:51,920
I'll bring those wee ones back
dead or alive.

91
00:04:51,925 --> 00:04:53,021
Not dead.

92
00:04:53,156 --> 00:04:55,463
Ah, ya never let
Willie be Willie.

93
00:05:17,908 --> 00:05:20,073
...Zimmerman, Zorx, and...

94
00:05:20,075 --> 00:05:21,272
Zzyzwiski.

95
00:05:21,275 --> 00:05:23,140
Now back to class, all of you.

96
00:05:24,905 --> 00:05:25,821
All right,
you heard him.

97
00:05:25,828 --> 00:05:26,801
Back to class.

98
00:05:26,805 --> 00:05:28,833
But we don't go
to school.

99
00:05:28,835 --> 00:05:30,680
But you do live
in the district.

100
00:05:30,687 --> 00:05:31,500
That's right.

101
00:05:31,508 --> 00:05:32,980
We home-school 'em.

102
00:05:32,988 --> 00:05:34,771
I teach the big ones and the

103
00:05:34,775 --> 00:05:36,470
big ones teach the little ones,

104
00:05:36,476 --> 00:05:37,730
but no one ever taught me,

105
00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:39,440
which makes the whole thing

106
00:05:39,445 --> 00:05:41,683
just an exercise in futility.

107
00:05:41,687 --> 00:05:42,682
Uh-huh.

108
00:05:42,686 --> 00:05:44,300
Skinner, what is
going on here?

109
00:05:44,307 --> 00:05:46,163
Sir, if we let these hill folk

110
00:05:46,168 --> 00:05:47,582
into our school,
our test scores

111
00:05:47,587 --> 00:05:49,853
would drop so low,
we'd lose all federal funding.

112
00:05:49,857 --> 00:05:51,032
I see...

113
00:05:51,038 --> 00:05:52,493
and we've already lost state,

114
00:05:52,496 --> 00:05:53,992
county, and local funding.

115
00:05:53,997 --> 00:05:56,252
Plus our last bake sale
was a disaster.

116
00:05:56,257 --> 00:05:58,170
People took bites
without buying the cookies.

117
00:05:58,175 --> 00:06:00,220
Yes, we're not very
good at anything.

118
00:06:00,226 --> 00:06:01,480
Excuse me.

119
00:06:01,595 --> 00:06:03,482
Lisa Simpson, with the school paper.

120
00:06:03,496 --> 00:06:04,652
Am I to understand you're

121
00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:06,233
purposely denying education

122
00:06:06,235 --> 00:06:07,240
to these children?

123
00:06:07,245 --> 00:06:07,825
That's a total mis...

124
00:06:07,825 --> 00:06:09,235
Well, I wouldn't, uh...

125
00:06:09,235 --> 00:06:10,436
I mean, that is to say, uh...

126
00:06:10,436 --> 00:06:11,315
Uh, you know...

127
00:06:11,315 --> 00:06:12,402
You see, the thing is...

128
00:06:12,415 --> 00:06:15,163
I warn you, young lady,
we can fumfur all day.

129
00:06:15,165 --> 00:06:15,885
We, um, it's not
that we, um...

130
00:06:15,885 --> 00:06:16,766
You see, what, uh...

131
00:06:16,766 --> 00:06:17,815
I just, we don't, um...
...you're not,

132
00:06:17,815 --> 00:06:18,862
uh, grasping...

133
00:06:18,866 --> 00:06:19,375
We're not really, um...

134
00:06:19,375 --> 00:06:20,242
...the, the, the, the...

135
00:06:20,245 --> 00:06:22,430
You haven't heard the last
of this.

136
00:06:23,065 --> 00:06:25,310
Well, I think we've
heard the last of this.

137
00:06:25,315 --> 00:06:27,090
No, you haven't.

138
00:06:27,235 --> 00:06:28,920
We're going to have
to give this some thought.

139
00:06:28,928 --> 00:06:30,343
Let's sing
while we think.

140
00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:32,032
It'll make it more
fun for everyone.

141
00:06:35,577 --> 00:06:39,140
How do we gag
a blabbermouth like Lisa?

142
00:06:39,436 --> 00:06:43,200
How do we crush her
First Amendment rights?

143
00:06:43,304 --> 00:06:47,211
How do we stop her
writing up what she saw?

144
00:06:47,223 --> 00:06:48,791
Would she
shut her trap

145
00:06:48,791 --> 00:06:50,809
For a gift card
from the Gap?

146
00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:53,731
She might

147
00:06:54,567 --> 00:06:58,861
Oh, how do we stop
a royal pain like Lisa?

148
00:06:58,866 --> 00:07:02,832
How do we make
Miss Righteous

149
00:07:02,836 --> 00:07:07,201
Less uptight?

150
00:07:08,235 --> 00:07:09,853
You have a lovely voice,
sir.

151
00:07:10,415 --> 00:07:12,280
Why do you have to make
everything weird?

152
00:07:14,817 --> 00:07:16,131
MANQUE QUELQUE CHOSE
asked to see me?

153
00:07:16,135 --> 00:07:19,463
Lisa, would you consider
tutoring Cletus' children?

154
00:07:19,466 --> 00:07:20,302
You'll be happy,

155
00:07:20,307 --> 00:07:20,953
they'll be happy,

156
00:07:20,957 --> 00:07:22,250
and I can go home and

157
00:07:22,256 --> 00:07:23,923
enjoy some delicious fondue.

158
00:07:23,927 --> 00:07:25,203
Made with the fondue set

159
00:07:25,206 --> 00:07:26,420
I bought you for Christmas?

160
00:07:26,838 --> 00:07:28,582
No. So what do you say, Lisa?

161
00:07:29,107 --> 00:07:30,892
Me? A tutor?

162
00:07:36,316 --> 00:07:39,272
The hillbilly tykes

163
00:07:39,445 --> 00:07:43,630
Will become by tutees.

164
00:07:43,835 --> 00:07:46,290
Whoa! Ah! Oh!

165
00:07:48,286 --> 00:07:49,213
Hey, kids!

166
00:07:49,215 --> 00:07:52,201
The plow done birthed
a girl-critter!

167
00:07:52,456 --> 00:07:54,170
Young'uns, this here girl

168
00:07:54,178 --> 00:07:57,021
is come from fairyland
to school y'all.

169
00:07:57,026 --> 00:07:58,192
Now, if you need me,

170
00:07:58,196 --> 00:07:59,360
I'll be on the porch

171
00:07:59,367 --> 00:08:01,543
drinkin' Thomsen's Water Seal.

172
00:08:01,605 --> 00:08:03,220
My name's Lisa.

173
00:08:03,225 --> 00:08:04,700
What are your names?

174
00:08:04,708 --> 00:08:05,512
Witney!

175
00:08:05,517 --> 00:08:06,482
Jitney!

176
00:08:06,485 --> 00:08:07,210
Dubya!

177
00:08:07,218 --> 00:08:08,271
Incest!

178
00:08:08,275 --> 00:08:09,602
Crystal Meth!

179
00:08:09,606 --> 00:08:11,223
International Harvester!

180
00:08:11,227 --> 00:08:12,563
Birthday!

181
00:08:12,977 --> 00:08:16,842
Are we gonna do
this much work every day?

182
00:08:18,605 --> 00:08:21,072
Why do I have to go
to a stupid psychiatrist?

183
00:08:21,078 --> 00:08:22,593
I told a scary story.

184
00:08:22,597 --> 00:08:23,312
Big deal.

185
00:08:23,318 --> 00:08:23,971
Look, boy,

186
00:08:23,976 --> 00:08:26,691
nobody knows better than me
that you're a lost cause.

187
00:08:26,817 --> 00:08:28,112
But the school's paying for

188
00:08:28,127 --> 00:08:30,073
five sessions
and there's a Chinese

189
00:08:30,076 --> 00:08:32,452
restaurant next door
where I can get drunk.

190
00:08:33,096 --> 00:08:34,271
Get ready, Sheila.

191
00:08:34,277 --> 00:08:35,661
This guy likes the act.

192
00:08:36,636 --> 00:08:38,970
Mr. Simpson! You good man!

193
00:08:38,978 --> 00:08:40,190
We happy see you!

194
00:08:40,196 --> 00:08:41,493
You not come long time!

195
00:08:41,496 --> 00:08:43,431
Come sit, drinky-drinky.

196
00:08:43,438 --> 00:08:44,271
Where's Margie?

197
00:08:44,277 --> 00:08:45,452
She super lady!

198
00:08:47,308 --> 00:08:49,361
Bart, my name
is Dr. Swanson.

199
00:08:49,366 --> 00:08:50,501
Stop right there, Doc.

200
00:08:50,648 --> 00:08:51,681
This school has sent me

201
00:08:51,685 --> 00:08:53,983
to more therapists
than you've had bad dates.

202
00:08:53,988 --> 00:08:55,380
I've looked at the ink blots.

203
00:08:55,387 --> 00:08:56,813
I've played with the puppets.

204
00:08:56,818 --> 00:08:58,752
The whole racket's
a hatful of crap.

205
00:08:59,405 --> 00:09:00,291
I see.

206
00:09:00,367 --> 00:09:01,910
Well... I get paid whether

207
00:09:01,916 --> 00:09:03,251
you make progress or not.

208
00:09:03,258 --> 00:09:05,490
Why don't we just kill the time
playing videogames?

209
00:09:05,496 --> 00:09:08,272
Yeah, right. I bet you've got
a bunch of "learning" games.

210
00:09:08,276 --> 00:09:09,351
Why don't you go online

211
00:09:09,365 --> 00:09:11,151
and look for a boyfriend
while I take a nap?

212
00:09:11,155 --> 00:09:13,780
Actually, I just got
"Death Kill City II:

213
00:09:13,798 --> 00:09:15,590
Death Kill Stories."

214
00:09:15,746 --> 00:09:18,640
Whoa! You've got "DKC2: DKS"?

215
00:09:18,647 --> 00:09:19,490
That one's rated

216
00:09:19,497 --> 00:09:21,152
"Bad for Everyone."

217
00:09:29,927 --> 00:09:32,243
You have destroyed
all human life on earth.

218
00:09:32,258 --> 00:09:33,702
Level 1 complete.

219
00:09:33,718 --> 00:09:34,490
Yes!

220
00:09:37,377 --> 00:09:38,922
And that's how a presidential

221
00:09:38,925 --> 00:09:40,680
veto gets overridden.

222
00:09:40,698 --> 00:09:41,662
Any questions?

223
00:09:41,666 --> 00:09:43,171
How is any of this gonna

224
00:09:43,175 --> 00:09:45,141
put dog meat on my plate?

225
00:09:45,448 --> 00:09:47,212
Hmm. Maybe the best way

226
00:09:47,215 --> 00:09:48,463
to begin your education

227
00:09:48,467 --> 00:09:50,770
is to get you some exposure
to the wider world.

228
00:09:50,775 --> 00:09:54,630
So, I'm gonna take you
to downtown Springfield!

229
00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,720
We gotta get permission
from Daddy.

230
00:09:57,225 --> 00:09:58,753
It's all right with me.

231
00:09:59,055 --> 00:10:00,311
And, lastly...

232
00:10:00,318 --> 00:10:01,193
I need a noun.

233
00:10:01,235 --> 00:10:01,972
Booger.

234
00:10:04,248 --> 00:10:04,800
Read it back!

235
00:10:04,806 --> 00:10:05,400
Read it back!

236
00:10:05,407 --> 00:10:06,690
"The county fair is

237
00:10:06,696 --> 00:10:08,831
always sucky to visit

238
00:10:08,837 --> 00:10:10,750
on a hot summer fart."

239
00:10:10,756 --> 00:10:13,611
"You can eat
delicious cotton hate,

240
00:10:13,615 --> 00:10:15,090
and ride the Ferris burp

241
00:10:15,105 --> 00:10:16,530
and the Merry-go- booger."

242
00:10:18,706 --> 00:10:20,233
You can't make
that stuff up.

243
00:10:20,297 --> 00:10:21,560
What does this tell you, Bart?

244
00:10:21,697 --> 00:10:24,232
That this is one terrible
county fair.

245
00:10:24,328 --> 00:10:25,060
And...?

246
00:10:25,417 --> 00:10:26,023
And...

247
00:10:26,176 --> 00:10:27,950
My dad never takes me

248
00:10:27,967 --> 00:10:29,820
on the merry-go-booger.

249
00:10:29,926 --> 00:10:31,302
He's always passed out

250
00:10:31,306 --> 00:10:32,351
in the parking snot.

251
00:10:32,398 --> 00:10:33,932
He's lying!

252
00:10:34,196 --> 00:10:36,142
You drink too many
scorpion bowl.

253
00:10:36,146 --> 00:10:37,542
You go sleepy-sleepy now!

254
00:10:40,436 --> 00:10:42,083
Did, uh, did you get his wallet?

255
00:10:42,166 --> 00:10:44,431
Every president has a
word balloon that says

256
00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:45,363
"I am gay."

257
00:10:51,307 --> 00:10:53,210
These colorful bums is funny!

258
00:10:53,216 --> 00:10:54,283
And guess what?

259
00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:55,050
Ben and Ken,

260
00:10:55,057 --> 00:10:56,162
the Street Magic Men,

261
00:10:56,166 --> 00:10:57,173
are only the beginning!

262
00:10:57,175 --> 00:10:59,351
The city is a treasure trove
of culture,

263
00:10:59,357 --> 00:11:01,332
and multiculture!

264
00:11:05,058 --> 00:11:08,370
Mistos and lattes
and grandes and ventis

265
00:11:08,375 --> 00:11:11,560
Browsing at bookstores
with fat cognoscentis

266
00:11:11,566 --> 00:11:13,011
Books about Dali,

267
00:11:13,017 --> 00:11:14,833
Degas and Miro

268
00:11:14,838 --> 00:11:18,212
Those are the folks
that you yokels should know

269
00:11:21,225 --> 00:11:24,552
Pretentious laughs
at Bunuel retrospectives

270
00:11:24,556 --> 00:11:27,692
Outsider art made
by mental defectives

271
00:11:27,695 --> 00:11:30,722
Enjoying opry
that ain't grand or ole

272
00:11:30,726 --> 00:11:34,222
Comparing Jim Carrey
to Dario Fo!

273
00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:36,131
Your minds are opening!

274
00:11:36,137 --> 00:11:37,511
Take it home!

275
00:11:37,657 --> 00:11:39,171
Eating tapas

276
00:11:39,215 --> 00:11:40,881
Freestyle rap artists

277
00:11:40,886 --> 00:11:43,750
Mrs. Skinner is Mame

278
00:11:45,258 --> 00:11:48,540
We finally experienced
cultural things

279
00:11:48,548 --> 00:11:51,172
And now they don't seem...

280
00:11:51,747 --> 00:11:55,433
...so lame.

281
00:11:58,625 --> 00:11:59,861
What a number!

282
00:12:00,018 --> 00:12:01,370
You kids got talent!

283
00:12:01,535 --> 00:12:03,162
And I should know.
I used to have it.

284
00:12:03,357 --> 00:12:07,241
Hey! You're one of those funny
people with a big crazy nose.

285
00:12:07,406 --> 00:12:08,622
- A clown?
- No, a...

286
00:12:08,778 --> 00:12:10,731
Joker! That's right!

287
00:12:10,926 --> 00:12:13,642
And I'm not a practicing joker,
so I'm not that offended.

288
00:12:14,376 --> 00:12:16,832
Well it's nice to see
you again, Krusty,

289
00:12:16,988 --> 00:12:19,673
but these kids have
field trip journals to write.

290
00:12:19,828 --> 00:12:21,613
Yeah, yeah, right.
Who's your agent?

291
00:12:21,777 --> 00:12:22,973
What's an agent?

292
00:12:23,807 --> 00:12:24,842
Ka-ching!

293
00:12:26,727 --> 00:12:29,920
Finally, I get a chance
to use these gag contact lenses.

294
00:12:30,087 --> 00:12:33,910
And then I had this dream that my whole
family was just cartoon characters,

295
00:12:34,098 --> 00:12:35,970
and that our success had
led to some crazy

296
00:12:36,135 --> 00:12:38,142
propaganda network called "Fox News."

297
00:12:38,635 --> 00:12:41,090
Bart, I think you're making
a lot of progress,

298
00:12:41,285 --> 00:12:42,633
but our time is up.

299
00:12:42,916 --> 00:12:46,451
- See ya next Wednesday.
- Actually, this was our last session.

300
00:12:46,657 --> 00:12:47,352
Huh?

301
00:12:47,598 --> 00:12:49,110
But we were doing
such good work.

302
00:12:49,685 --> 00:12:52,402
Oh, Bart, I truly
enjoyed our time together,

303
00:12:52,557 --> 00:12:55,190
but the school only
paid for five sessions.

304
00:13:00,856 --> 00:13:02,092
I think I just got dumped.

305
00:13:03,045 --> 00:13:05,443
He used to rob me
two, three times a week.

306
00:13:05,607 --> 00:13:07,841
Now, I'm lucky
if I get it once a month.

307
00:13:08,048 --> 00:13:10,842
He never initiates it.
I have to do all the work.

308
00:13:11,027 --> 00:13:12,231
He just stands there.

309
00:13:12,398 --> 00:13:15,370
Now, now, don't talk
through him; talk to him.

310
00:13:16,257 --> 00:13:19,951
Apu, sometimes when I rob you,
it's like you're not even there.

311
00:13:20,195 --> 00:13:22,230
That is because you're
robbing my brother Sanjay.

312
00:13:22,388 --> 00:13:24,153
- Dude, I didn't know.
- Oh, just shut up!

313
00:13:24,696 --> 00:13:25,421
That's right.

314
00:13:25,617 --> 00:13:28,773
I want to hire your entire
Appalachian dumpling gang,

315
00:13:28,985 --> 00:13:33,772
and I'll pay them the most anyone
on TV is entitled to get: scale!

316
00:13:33,937 --> 00:13:37,652
Now I don't sign nothin' without
pretendin' to read it first.

317
00:13:38,278 --> 00:13:40,050
Hamburger, hamburger,

318
00:13:40,285 --> 00:13:41,982
hamburger, hamburger.

319
00:13:42,288 --> 00:13:42,982
Looks good!

320
00:13:43,276 --> 00:13:46,330
Mr. Spuckler, wait!
Is this really good for your kids?

321
00:13:46,517 --> 00:13:47,891
Teeny, get her out of here!

322
00:13:51,055 --> 00:13:54,111
Okay kids, let's cut some
promos for the affiliates.

323
00:13:54,408 --> 00:13:59,680
You're watching Krusty the Clown
on WPPZ in Vero Beach, Florida,

324
00:13:59,845 --> 00:14:02,372
home of the AccuCurl Surf Report!

325
00:14:02,547 --> 00:14:04,582
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

326
00:14:07,928 --> 00:14:10,680
Hey, hey, kids.
Have I got a treat for you.

327
00:14:10,877 --> 00:14:14,002
Put your hands together for the
Sharecropper Showstoppers,

328
00:14:14,167 --> 00:14:19,003
The Smashing Bumpkins,
The Spuckler Family Singers!

329
00:14:26,917 --> 00:14:30,761
I have eight teeth
Going on seven teeth

330
00:14:30,936 --> 00:14:34,540
I have a curvy spine

331
00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:38,731
- We live on landfill
- And feast on roadkill

332
00:14:38,887 --> 00:14:42,441
While we all drink Moonshine.

333
00:14:45,405 --> 00:14:47,302
You're better than us!

334
00:14:48,657 --> 00:14:50,390
Look at those dumb hillbillies!

335
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:52,252
I'll bet they don't even know what...

336
00:14:53,338 --> 00:14:54,403
something is.

337
00:14:54,718 --> 00:14:56,470
Dad, those kids aren't dumb.

338
00:14:56,657 --> 00:15:00,202
This show just perpetuates the
stereotype that all yokels are hicks.

339
00:15:01,915 --> 00:15:03,173
Look at those morons.

340
00:15:03,365 --> 00:15:05,850
They sing because they're stupid.

341
00:15:32,497 --> 00:15:35,900
Kids, it's finally happening.
Your own prime-time special.

342
00:15:36,068 --> 00:15:39,530
The songs will be written
by Broadway's greatest composer:

343
00:15:39,806 --> 00:15:41,870
this guy. What's your
name again, fuzz-face?

344
00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:43,051
Stephen Sondheim.

345
00:15:43,288 --> 00:15:45,982
I know you hear this all the time,
but I think you're great.

346
00:15:46,147 --> 00:15:48,512
And I'm sure you
hear this all the time:

347
00:15:48,676 --> 00:15:51,083
you cost an arm and a leg,
so let's get to work.

348
00:15:51,257 --> 00:15:52,343
Here's the opening number.

349
00:15:54,147 --> 00:15:56,363
Hmm, complex harmonies,

350
00:15:56,585 --> 00:15:57,911
intricate lyrics,

351
00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:00,272
pithy observations on modern life.

352
00:16:00,497 --> 00:16:03,153
What is this junk?!
Where's the zazz?

353
00:16:03,338 --> 00:16:05,992
- Just do what you did in Cats!
- I didn't write Cats.

354
00:16:06,145 --> 00:16:07,141
You didn't?!

355
00:16:07,365 --> 00:16:08,762
Oh, no!

356
00:16:09,156 --> 00:16:10,870
All right, I'll try and save this.

357
00:16:12,408 --> 00:16:14,411
Tell you what.
Just give me a peppy vamp.

358
00:16:14,588 --> 00:16:16,342
Okay. And I can
counterpoint it with...

359
00:16:16,508 --> 00:16:17,543
No counterpoint!

360
00:16:17,728 --> 00:16:18,723
Vamp! Peppy!

361
00:16:23,567 --> 00:16:25,633
Hey! This peppy stuff isn't bad.

362
00:16:25,796 --> 00:16:27,703
Maybe I will right that
jingle for Buzz Cola.

363
00:16:29,848 --> 00:16:33,700
President or ayatollah
Everyone loves new Buzz Cola

364
00:16:34,276 --> 00:16:35,293
With lemon.

365
00:16:37,296 --> 00:16:41,110
Krusty, the Spuckler kids missed
their reading class today.

366
00:16:41,415 --> 00:16:43,593
Yeah? Well, take it up
with their manager.

367
00:16:45,757 --> 00:16:49,413
Cletus, I think you're spending too
much of the kids' earnings on yourself.

368
00:16:49,565 --> 00:16:50,361
That's a lie!

369
00:16:50,535 --> 00:16:53,623
I ain't spent their money
on naught but necessities.

370
00:16:53,825 --> 00:16:56,080
Sir, your solid gold
hound dog is here.

371
00:16:59,096 --> 00:17:01,191
Uh... how do we get
the real dog out?

372
00:17:03,288 --> 00:17:05,880
Do you think I'm telling
people not to have a cow

373
00:17:06,038 --> 00:17:08,851
because deep down
I want them to have a cow?

374
00:17:11,705 --> 00:17:13,662
I saw you yesterday
in the dining room,

375
00:17:13,835 --> 00:17:16,273
and I didn't know if I
should say "hi" or not.

376
00:17:22,787 --> 00:17:23,671
How can I help you?

377
00:17:23,958 --> 00:17:25,953
Dr. Swanson, I'm Bart's mother.

378
00:17:26,178 --> 00:17:29,731
I've been saving this money for my
husband's breast reduction surgery,

379
00:17:29,926 --> 00:17:31,621
but I think this is more important.

380
00:17:31,848 --> 00:17:34,051
Would you please see Bart again?

381
00:17:35,706 --> 00:17:37,290
Of course. Send him in.

382
00:17:39,837 --> 00:17:40,873
Bart, honey,

383
00:17:41,215 --> 00:17:43,672
this is all we can
afford for now.

384
00:17:43,907 --> 00:17:45,123
If it doesn't work,

385
00:17:45,285 --> 00:17:47,753
maybe when you're an adult,
you can pay some lady

386
00:17:47,916 --> 00:17:49,640
to make you happy for an hour.

387
00:17:49,838 --> 00:17:51,962
You know, I'm pretty sure I will.

388
00:17:54,696 --> 00:17:56,503
And I wasn't planned,
so when I came,

389
00:17:56,657 --> 00:17:58,062
my parents had to get married.

390
00:17:58,238 --> 00:18:01,472
And they were too young, and not ready
for a kid to screw up their lives.

391
00:18:01,928 --> 00:18:04,721
Maybe I act out because...

392
00:18:04,938 --> 00:18:06,722
if my parents are mad at me,

393
00:18:06,926 --> 00:18:08,741
they can't fight with each other.

394
00:18:10,386 --> 00:18:14,905
And maybe that's why you do things like
scare your classmates with Dark Stanley

395
00:18:15,152 --> 00:18:16,152
Yeah.

396
00:18:16,391 --> 00:18:20,312
That and Stanley was the brand of
hammer my Dad used to hit me with.

397
00:18:20,412 --> 00:18:21,412
Very Good.

398
00:18:21,608 --> 00:18:23,608
Bart, we have 20 minutes left.

399
00:18:23,717 --> 00:18:25,857
Is there anything else
you want to talk about?

400
00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:26,769
You know what?

401
00:18:27,504 --> 00:18:28,637
I think I'm good.

402
00:18:30,152 --> 00:18:35,183
Oh. Oh good. Good. Good.
Will I see you again?

403
00:18:35,243 --> 00:18:39,167
Anything can happen. One of these days, I
might have a complete psychotic breakdown.

404
00:18:39,475 --> 00:18:41,346
Ahh. I'd like that.

405
00:18:42,411 --> 00:18:44,403
I just can't stop thinking about him.

406
00:18:44,484 --> 00:18:49,075
Do you think Bart is replacing your
son, who was killed by Dark Stanley?

407
00:18:49,099 --> 00:18:51,833
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. I'm not ready to go there.

408
00:19:04,505 --> 00:19:07,023
You kids finished signing those 8x10's.

409
00:19:07,054 --> 00:19:10,421
I told 5 different dry-cleaners, they's the best.

410
00:19:10,465 --> 00:19:12,332
Ain't that lying Mr. Krusty?

411
00:19:12,431 --> 00:19:15,357
I-eh? Maybe. But I got some great news.

412
00:19:15,416 --> 00:19:17,350
Take a look at your new home.

413
00:19:17,631 --> 00:19:21,743
That's right. Your joining
Krusty's No-Collar Comedy Tour.

414
00:19:21,841 --> 00:19:27,563
There's butt-crack Barry, Merle Values,
Reverend Racist, and Andy Dick.

415
00:19:27,661 --> 00:19:31,861
I'm blue collar. I'm totally blue collar.
My dad owns a shovel.

416
00:19:33,252 --> 00:19:37,632
Now kids, don't be a freting and a fussing.
I'll be on tour witch-ya.

417
00:19:37,671 --> 00:19:40,087
In my brand new monster truck.

418
00:19:47,699 --> 00:19:49,613
Stop the tour!

419
00:19:49,943 --> 00:19:53,382
Cletus Delroy Spuckler, what
have you done to our children?

420
00:19:53,525 --> 00:19:54,749
Brandine...

421
00:19:54,784 --> 00:19:57,853
You're supposed to be in Iraq stopping 9/11.

422
00:19:58,431 --> 00:20:00,545
Did you get the body armor, I sent you?

423
00:20:00,566 --> 00:20:02,034
Sold it for smokes.

424
00:20:02,088 --> 00:20:04,928
Cletus, I had to stop you
exploiting the children.

425
00:20:04,980 --> 00:20:06,326
So I sent her an e-mail.

426
00:20:06,361 --> 00:20:09,003
My babies ain't going on no bus tour.

427
00:20:09,065 --> 00:20:10,703
It doesn't matter what you say.

428
00:20:10,735 --> 00:20:14,044
I got a contract signed by the father
of these children.

429
00:20:14,060 --> 00:20:15,838
He's only the father of two of them.

430
00:20:15,871 --> 00:20:18,722
The one that can't sing and
the one that can't ad-lib.

431
00:20:18,746 --> 00:20:20,076
Nooooo!

432
00:20:20,296 --> 00:20:24,423
Ms. Lisa, we just want to thank
you for introducing us to

433
00:20:24,455 --> 00:20:28,070
then saving us from the
big wide world around us.

434
00:20:28,374 --> 00:20:29,402
Twern't nothing.

435
00:20:33,824 --> 00:20:37,097
Cletus, we're going home. How
much money do we have left?

436
00:20:37,184 --> 00:20:40,449
Uhh. I owe Krusty $12,000

437
00:20:40,512 --> 00:20:41,733
We can live on that.

438
00:20:41,821 --> 00:20:43,876
Baby, you're the greatest.