1 00:00:05,965 --> 00:00:09,341 (homer humming a tune) 2 00:00:09,427 --> 00:00:12,720 ♪ 2:00 a.M. Ham, 2:00 a.M. Ham ♪ 3 00:00:12,805 --> 00:00:16,682 ♪ everything rhymes with "2:00 a.M. Ham." ♪ 4 00:00:16,767 --> 00:00:17,683 mmm. Mm? 5 00:00:17,810 --> 00:00:19,601 So many lies. 6 00:00:19,729 --> 00:00:21,562 What else was he hiding from the world? 7 00:00:21,647 --> 00:00:23,355 How could the deception go so deep? 8 00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:25,816 Can we ever trust anyone? (gasps) 9 00:00:26,986 --> 00:00:28,485 -(door slams) -my daughter's roaming 10 00:00:28,571 --> 00:00:31,071 the house in the middle of the night looking terrified. 11 00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:32,656 I should probably go talk to-- 12 00:00:32,825 --> 00:00:34,575 ♪ 2:00 a.M. Ham. ♪ 13 00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:36,410 (birds chirping) 14 00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:38,537 (snoring) 15 00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,208 (marge humming a tune) 16 00:00:43,335 --> 00:00:45,419 you look like you didn't sleep a wink. 17 00:00:45,504 --> 00:00:48,297 Looks can be deceiving. Nothing is as it seems. 18 00:00:48,424 --> 00:00:50,215 The world is a dark place. 19 00:00:50,342 --> 00:00:51,675 (groans worriedly) 20 00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:54,178 (muffled murmur) 21 00:00:56,348 --> 00:00:58,682 oh, lisa seems really frazzled. 22 00:00:58,809 --> 00:01:00,768 Did the climate change again? 23 00:01:00,895 --> 00:01:02,102 I don't know. Probably. 24 00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:04,104 (wind whistles) 25 00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:05,898 marge: Oh. 26 00:01:05,983 --> 00:01:07,232 (owl hoots) 27 00:01:08,194 --> 00:01:10,986 she's been like that for hours. 28 00:01:11,113 --> 00:01:12,780 What is she doing under there? 29 00:01:12,907 --> 00:01:17,201 Hmm. Something so troubling she doesn't want us to find out. 30 00:01:17,328 --> 00:01:20,037 As her friends, we should respect that. 31 00:01:21,332 --> 00:01:24,500 (gasps) the confession was coerced. 32 00:01:24,627 --> 00:01:26,418 Honey, what are you listening to? 33 00:01:26,504 --> 00:01:29,338 Uh, you know, just some gentle asmr noises 34 00:01:29,465 --> 00:01:31,590 to soothe me to sleep. (chuckles) 35 00:01:31,759 --> 00:01:34,218 you know, like... (exhales softly) 36 00:01:34,345 --> 00:01:35,928 -and... -(taps softly) 37 00:01:36,055 --> 00:01:37,679 -and... -(paper crinkles) 38 00:01:37,807 --> 00:01:39,681 oh, that stuff doesn't work-- 39 00:01:39,809 --> 00:01:41,850 (snoring) 40 00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:45,020 -good night. -(ominous music playing) 41 00:01:45,189 --> 00:01:47,564 music in a minor key? 42 00:01:47,650 --> 00:01:50,642 You've been listening to true crime podcasts? 43 00:01:50,736 --> 00:01:54,780 Hoda kotb said on the today show those are really disturbing. 44 00:01:54,907 --> 00:01:56,573 -Hoda. -Mom, I can handle it. 45 00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:59,118 There's no swear words, just killing. 46 00:01:59,203 --> 00:02:01,203 How many of these have you listened to? 47 00:02:01,330 --> 00:02:03,747 I don't know. Just two or three a day. 48 00:02:03,833 --> 00:02:05,707 And then maybe a couple more to take the edge off. 49 00:02:05,835 --> 00:02:09,086 And then one in the morning just to get normal. 50 00:02:09,213 --> 00:02:11,713 Wha-- I'm not addicted, I swear. 51 00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:14,883 I just need to know who killed everybody! 52 00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:16,218 -(crying) -oh. 53 00:02:16,345 --> 00:02:18,762 I just need to know. I just... 54 00:02:18,889 --> 00:02:20,472 (moans) 55 00:02:20,599 --> 00:02:23,934 -aw, she's all murdered out. -(snoring) 56 00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:25,561 these titles. 57 00:02:25,688 --> 00:02:28,689 It's like they're trying to intrigue people. 58 00:02:28,858 --> 00:02:31,441 (grunts, scoffs) oh. 59 00:02:31,610 --> 00:02:35,070 I better listen to one and make sure lisa's not too traumatized. 60 00:02:35,197 --> 00:02:36,822 Whatever. I'm hitting the hay. 61 00:02:36,991 --> 00:02:37,906 (paper crinkles) 62 00:02:38,033 --> 00:02:40,033 (snoring) 63 00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:45,122 (birds chirping) 64 00:02:45,958 --> 00:02:48,167 (yawns) 65 00:02:50,421 --> 00:02:52,212 -(shouts) -okay, I'm on episode eight 66 00:02:52,298 --> 00:02:53,755 of killing her softly. 67 00:02:53,883 --> 00:02:55,632 We need to talk about angela's landlord. 68 00:02:55,759 --> 00:02:59,052 Why did he allow her to pay for a year up front? 69 00:02:59,180 --> 00:03:01,305 What did sergei know? 70 00:03:01,432 --> 00:03:04,099 (chuckles) we have much to discuss. 71 00:03:04,226 --> 00:03:05,893 Okay, pause. 72 00:03:06,020 --> 00:03:07,895 It's like the police intentionally 73 00:03:08,022 --> 00:03:10,063 screwed up the investigation. 74 00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:12,316 Right? Drops of blood you can explain, 75 00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:15,444 -but drops of brain? -I know. 76 00:03:15,571 --> 00:03:17,362 Okay, play. 77 00:03:17,448 --> 00:03:20,490 Okay, pause. They totally ignored the text messages 78 00:03:20,618 --> 00:03:24,119 -from the coroner's mistress. -Okay, play. Play. 79 00:03:24,246 --> 00:03:26,371 -Mm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. -Oh. Oh. 80 00:03:26,498 --> 00:03:29,041 -Mm-mm. Oh, yeah. -Hmm. Hmm. 81 00:03:30,294 --> 00:03:34,713 How could a woman with four phds be so dumb? 82 00:03:34,798 --> 00:03:36,381 Both: So dumb. 83 00:03:36,508 --> 00:03:39,092 I've never seen two people agree with each other so much. 84 00:03:39,220 --> 00:03:40,928 I disagree. Come on, you two. 85 00:03:41,055 --> 00:03:42,638 We're supposed to visit grampa today. 86 00:03:42,765 --> 00:03:45,098 -Homie, we can't go. -Our favorite podcast 87 00:03:45,226 --> 00:03:48,227 is recording a live episode, and we have tickets. 88 00:03:48,354 --> 00:03:51,063 If we gasp loud enough, we might hear ourselves. 89 00:03:51,190 --> 00:03:53,065 -(gasps loudly) -(laughs) 90 00:03:53,192 --> 00:03:55,567 save it for the show, mom. 91 00:03:56,820 --> 00:03:58,195 Now, remember, bart, 92 00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:00,864 grampa's life is very lonely and boring. 93 00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:04,201 So make sure to look at your watch every few seconds 94 00:04:04,328 --> 00:04:05,994 so he knows you want to leave. 95 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:07,663 Here, take some of these. 96 00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:12,960 Why is my dad's weird old tie hanging on his doorknob? 97 00:04:14,088 --> 00:04:16,171 -(homer gasps) -(both moaning) 98 00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:20,550 -oh! Oh! Ooh, ooh! -Ugh! (groaning) 99 00:04:20,678 --> 00:04:21,843 (stammers) 100 00:04:21,971 --> 00:04:23,887 you idiots! Don't you know the code? 101 00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:26,848 If the bolo's a-hanging, the dentures be clanging. 102 00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:30,018 This is my new girlfriend, vivienne saint charmaine. 103 00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:34,648 Abe-y, you didn't tell me your brothers were coming to visit. 104 00:04:34,733 --> 00:04:37,734 -(laughs): Oh, well. Oh, my. -Aw, shucks. 105 00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:41,196 Say, you look familiar. Did you used to be younger? 106 00:04:41,323 --> 00:04:44,074 Vivienne was a big-time tv star. 107 00:04:44,159 --> 00:04:47,786 She was on all the hit shows, and I was a huge fan. 108 00:04:47,871 --> 00:04:49,621 Homer: A little magazine. 109 00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:52,624 But you probably know me best as the scheming yet conniving 110 00:04:52,751 --> 00:04:57,087 olympic diver darcy covington on falcon landing. 111 00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:59,080 Ma'am, if you're a big shot has-been, 112 00:04:59,174 --> 00:05:01,508 why are you dating a small-town never-was? 113 00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:03,927 All my life, I dated unwrinkled men 114 00:05:04,054 --> 00:05:05,721 who told short, concise stories. 115 00:05:05,848 --> 00:05:08,849 But abe here showed me what I've been missing. 116 00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:11,343 -He's so sweet he should come with an insulin pump. -(chuckles) 117 00:05:11,437 --> 00:05:14,855 well, thanks for stopping by, but we've got two bingo games, 118 00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:17,649 a couple's colonoscopy... 119 00:05:19,778 --> 00:05:23,488 ...And then we're off to a romantic dinner cruise. 120 00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:26,908 -Dude. -Bro. 121 00:05:27,036 --> 00:05:29,786 -Seriously. -I know. 122 00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:32,664 (melancholy music playing) 123 00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:38,962 from this american crime and kbbl springfield, 124 00:05:39,089 --> 00:05:41,340 it's interminable, 125 00:05:41,467 --> 00:05:46,386 one grisly story told week after week after week 126 00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:48,055 after week. 127 00:05:48,182 --> 00:05:50,807 Hello. I'm tabitha shingle. 128 00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:52,267 (cheering) 129 00:05:52,353 --> 00:05:54,853 she's even more dry in person. 130 00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:56,605 Some people look at a neck and think, 131 00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:58,565 "what a great place for a scarf," 132 00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:01,777 and others think, "I'd like to choke that." 133 00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:05,530 for jackson reeb of lansing, michigan, it was the latter. 134 00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:07,657 (cheering) 135 00:06:11,246 --> 00:06:12,537 (tires screech) 136 00:06:14,333 --> 00:06:16,500 hey, hey, hey. Easy on the hurricane hold. 137 00:06:16,627 --> 00:06:19,586 We're just doing a story on the podcast craze. 138 00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:21,171 Podcast? (scoffs) 139 00:06:21,256 --> 00:06:22,964 flash-in-the-pan wannabe journalism. 140 00:06:23,092 --> 00:06:25,092 Mark my words, jerry, nobody cares. 141 00:06:25,219 --> 00:06:27,427 Now to open this door. 142 00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:30,305 (crowd cheering) 143 00:06:30,391 --> 00:06:34,309 our podcast has gotten over 20 million downloads 144 00:06:34,395 --> 00:06:37,687 and is being adapted into a streaming series 145 00:06:37,773 --> 00:06:42,818 starring alexander skarsgard on amazon prime. 146 00:06:42,945 --> 00:06:44,569 (cheering) 147 00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:46,196 (groans) 148 00:06:46,281 --> 00:06:48,824 ugh. Stupid podcasts. 149 00:06:48,951 --> 00:06:50,534 Thank god I have my family. 150 00:06:50,661 --> 00:06:53,120 Now to open this door. 151 00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:58,792 (kent scoffs, groans) 152 00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,419 (groans): Oh. 153 00:07:01,422 --> 00:07:02,754 (sighs) 154 00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:06,633 this is kent brockman, yesterday's news. 155 00:07:08,470 --> 00:07:11,096 And in the end, the donkey turned out to be a horse. 156 00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:12,848 (sighs) you're only watching this 157 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:15,434 because somebody left the tv on in a doctor's waiting room. 158 00:07:15,519 --> 00:07:17,769 W-wait, w-wait a second. We have breaking news! 159 00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:19,771 There's been a murder on the high seas. 160 00:07:19,857 --> 00:07:21,356 A local woman is presumed dead 161 00:07:21,483 --> 00:07:23,442 after going overboard on a cruise ship. 162 00:07:23,569 --> 00:07:26,027 A woman disappears from a cruise. 163 00:07:26,155 --> 00:07:27,696 I wonder who did it. 164 00:07:27,823 --> 00:07:29,573 Could it be... 165 00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:32,617 Both: The husband or boyfriend? Mm-hmm. 166 00:07:32,744 --> 00:07:34,995 That's the lady grampa was kissing. 167 00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:38,915 Grampa's the husband or boyfriend? 168 00:07:39,001 --> 00:07:41,334 Authorities say the missing woman is retired starlet 169 00:07:41,462 --> 00:07:43,253 vivienne saint charmaine. 170 00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:45,505 Her boyfriend or husband, abraham simpson, 171 00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:47,549 has been detained for questioning. 172 00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:48,967 Grampa? A killer? 173 00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:50,594 He doesn't have that kind of follow-through. 174 00:07:50,721 --> 00:07:54,222 Did abe simpson do it? No one can say for sure. 175 00:07:54,349 --> 00:07:58,477 But this story has the makings of a hit crime podcast. 176 00:07:58,604 --> 00:08:04,024 Join me as I take a fair and unbiased look on guilty grampa. 177 00:08:04,193 --> 00:08:05,108 (all gasp) 178 00:08:05,235 --> 00:08:06,818 this has been kent brockman, 179 00:08:06,945 --> 00:08:09,154 bailing on tv news forever. 180 00:08:09,323 --> 00:08:11,448 This is horrible. What are we gonna do? 181 00:08:11,617 --> 00:08:14,701 -I've already subscribed. -(gasps) 182 00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:22,334 a romantic sunset cruise, the perfect setting 183 00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:24,336 for new love between a fading hollywood actress 184 00:08:24,463 --> 00:08:26,588 and a fully faded old man. 185 00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:30,717 But only one of them would return to port alive. 186 00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:32,928 -(theme music playing) -I'm kent brockman, 187 00:08:33,055 --> 00:08:35,180 and this is guilty grampa. 188 00:08:35,307 --> 00:08:37,182 Guilty grampa is sponsored 189 00:08:37,309 --> 00:08:39,893 by shampoo shuttle, seasonal-flavored shampoos 190 00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:42,229 drone-delivered direct to your shower. 191 00:08:42,314 --> 00:08:44,231 Showbiz princess vivienne saint charmaine 192 00:08:44,358 --> 00:08:46,316 had finally met her prince, 193 00:08:46,401 --> 00:08:48,485 local census resistor abe simpson. 194 00:08:48,612 --> 00:08:50,820 Together they boarded a romantic seniors cruise 195 00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:52,572 across springfield harbor. 196 00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:54,407 It was 2:33 p.M., 197 00:08:54,493 --> 00:08:56,117 and the passengers were finishing dinner. 198 00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:58,119 Suddenly, there were the sounds of a commotion, 199 00:08:58,247 --> 00:09:01,039 a scream and then a splash. 200 00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:02,707 Vivienne was gone, 201 00:09:02,793 --> 00:09:05,377 but did the truth go overboard with her? 202 00:09:05,504 --> 00:09:07,420 I have with me a woman who was on that fatal cruise, 203 00:09:07,589 --> 00:09:09,673 disgraced docent agnes skinner. 204 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:11,675 Uh, tell me about that night. 205 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:15,804 I was at the buffet when I heard a woman scream, "abe, don't!" 206 00:09:15,931 --> 00:09:17,681 then a splash. 207 00:09:17,808 --> 00:09:19,307 What did you do next? 208 00:09:19,393 --> 00:09:20,850 I saw they were refilling the shrimp tower, 209 00:09:20,936 --> 00:09:23,061 so I had to get over there and touch them all. 210 00:09:23,188 --> 00:09:24,563 "abe, don't." 211 00:09:24,690 --> 00:09:27,857 whatever could vivienne have meant by that? 212 00:09:27,943 --> 00:09:30,068 Naturally, the police questioned abe simpson. 213 00:09:30,195 --> 00:09:33,613 His only defense? "I don't remember." 214 00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:37,200 the old man would not confess. Rude. 215 00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:38,702 So we swabbed his hands 216 00:09:38,829 --> 00:09:41,454 to see if they tested positive for pushing. 217 00:09:41,582 --> 00:09:44,833 It came back as "no such test." 218 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:47,586 the only thing we could do was let him go. 219 00:09:47,671 --> 00:09:49,379 (guilty grampa theme music playing) 220 00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:51,756 kent: So maybe the old saying is tru. 221 00:09:51,842 --> 00:09:54,801 To catch a murderer, you have to set them free 222 00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,469 to murder again. 223 00:09:56,597 --> 00:09:58,805 This has been guilty grampa. 224 00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,807 Ah, that podcast sucks butts. 225 00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,684 Grampa's not some monster. 226 00:10:02,811 --> 00:10:05,186 (grampa wailing) 227 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:06,980 (thunder crashes) 228 00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,106 (all scream) 229 00:10:08,191 --> 00:10:10,483 am I inside? 230 00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:14,070 Vivienne and I went on the cruise, had dinner, 231 00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:17,073 drinks, dancing, drinks. 232 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,326 The rest is kind of a blur. 233 00:10:19,453 --> 00:10:21,578 And the next thing I know, the cops are telling me 234 00:10:21,705 --> 00:10:24,914 -I'm a person of interest. -That's ridiculous. 235 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:28,835 You've never been a person of interest-- not for one second. 236 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:30,045 I don't remember nothing. 237 00:10:30,172 --> 00:10:31,838 But I would never hurt vivienne. 238 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:36,593 She was my last chance at love, and now she's gone forever. 239 00:10:36,678 --> 00:10:38,053 (crying) 240 00:10:39,056 --> 00:10:40,764 whoop. Got to take a zizz. 241 00:10:41,725 --> 00:10:43,099 Okay, quick, he's in the bathroom, 242 00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:45,185 so we only have an hour to talk. 243 00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:46,519 Now, on the count of three, 244 00:10:46,605 --> 00:10:48,980 say if you think he's guilty or not. 245 00:10:49,066 --> 00:10:50,857 One, two, three. 246 00:10:50,942 --> 00:10:52,734 -Not guilty! -If I'm being honest, I think he's capable 247 00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:55,111 of anything, up to and including murder. 248 00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:58,907 You're talking about your own father. 249 00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:01,284 (homer grunting) 250 00:11:02,663 --> 00:11:03,953 grampa's a good man, 251 00:11:04,081 --> 00:11:06,790 and everyone in this town knows that. 252 00:11:06,917 --> 00:11:07,916 (all shout) 253 00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:09,959 -(marge gasps) -(crowd murmuring) 254 00:11:10,087 --> 00:11:11,920 you're protecting a killer! 255 00:11:12,089 --> 00:11:14,339 (wails) murderer! 256 00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:15,840 -(shouts) -(cat yowls, glass shatters) 257 00:11:15,926 --> 00:11:18,385 grampa boat-pushed my favorite sexy tv lady. 258 00:11:18,470 --> 00:11:21,346 I had a poster where she was on top of a trans am 259 00:11:21,473 --> 00:11:23,515 and it said, "finely-tuned machine." 260 00:11:23,642 --> 00:11:26,267 it referred to both her and the car! 261 00:11:26,395 --> 00:11:28,061 (shouts) 262 00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:31,439 crime podcasts should be about exposing truth, 263 00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:34,818 -not irresponsible speculation. -(all gasp) 264 00:11:34,986 --> 00:11:37,362 if only kent knew grampa like we do, 265 00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:41,449 he would call that show not guilty grampa, 266 00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:44,536 which I bet would get even more listeners. 267 00:11:44,663 --> 00:11:45,995 (homer gasps) 268 00:11:46,123 --> 00:11:48,039 hey! We got an ender. 269 00:11:48,166 --> 00:11:49,290 Ender! 270 00:11:49,459 --> 00:11:51,251 -Moe: Ender! -(crowd cheering) 271 00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:59,050 homer, tell me about the abe simpson you knew and loved. 272 00:11:59,177 --> 00:12:00,635 I mean, I knew him. 273 00:12:00,762 --> 00:12:02,721 Was he abusive? 274 00:12:02,806 --> 00:12:04,222 (chuckles) oh, sure. 275 00:12:04,349 --> 00:12:06,057 I mean, he was a quiet loner, 276 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,893 but he could be abusive when he wanted to be. 277 00:12:08,979 --> 00:12:10,437 Really? 278 00:12:10,564 --> 00:12:12,981 And your mother-- how did she deal with all this? 279 00:12:13,108 --> 00:12:15,024 You know, I'm not really sure. 280 00:12:15,110 --> 00:12:17,068 She disappeared when I was quite young. 281 00:12:17,195 --> 00:12:20,155 Another woman in his life vanished. 282 00:12:20,323 --> 00:12:22,323 Stick some foghorns under that and put it up stat. 283 00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:24,784 Uh, wait, that may have sounded bad. 284 00:12:24,870 --> 00:12:26,828 You're not gonna podcast that, are you? 285 00:12:26,955 --> 00:12:28,663 Homer (over phone): You're not gonna podcast that, are you? 286 00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:30,498 -Uh-oh. -Uh-oh. 287 00:12:30,584 --> 00:12:31,791 (marge groans) 288 00:12:31,877 --> 00:12:33,334 imagine the worst person in the world. 289 00:12:33,462 --> 00:12:36,254 Now imagine his father. That's abe. 290 00:12:36,381 --> 00:12:38,590 His roommates kept turning up dead. 291 00:12:38,759 --> 00:12:42,635 90-year-old people don't just suddenly stop breathing. 292 00:12:42,763 --> 00:12:43,887 Come on. 293 00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:45,472 He murdered me once. 294 00:12:45,599 --> 00:12:48,558 That's why my family doesn't visit. 295 00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:50,685 My grandfather is not only a great man, 296 00:12:50,854 --> 00:12:52,729 he's a world war two hero. 297 00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:54,481 They used to call him "johnny flamethrower." 298 00:12:54,608 --> 00:12:57,817 he said the fires would tell him who to burn. 299 00:12:57,944 --> 00:12:59,277 (lisa and marge groan) 300 00:13:01,198 --> 00:13:03,990 so I say to ira glass, "'npr'? What does that stand for? 301 00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:05,700 'no possible revenue'?" 302 00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:08,787 (laughter) 303 00:13:08,872 --> 00:13:10,872 (lisa's voice): Hey, kent. I'm yeardley smith. 304 00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:13,750 Your voice sounds familiar. Where do I know you from? 305 00:13:13,877 --> 00:13:16,628 From my true crime podcast small-town dicks, 306 00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:17,754 and nowhere else. 307 00:13:17,923 --> 00:13:19,464 Can I give you a word of advice? 308 00:13:19,591 --> 00:13:21,716 I'd be a fool not to say, "make it quick." 309 00:13:21,843 --> 00:13:24,844 as much as it's fun to report on murder and mayhem, 310 00:13:24,930 --> 00:13:28,681 these podcasts are accusing real people of serious crimes. 311 00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:31,976 Without solid proof, we can ruin lives. 312 00:13:32,103 --> 00:13:34,020 You're right. We do rule the universe. 313 00:13:34,189 --> 00:13:35,355 Can I ask you a question? 314 00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:37,649 -Of course. -Who's doing your merch? 315 00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:40,527 Because I'm only netting two dollars a hat and 50 cents a mug 316 00:13:40,695 --> 00:13:42,904 and I'm getting completely screwed on onesies. 317 00:13:43,031 --> 00:13:44,322 (groans) 318 00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:46,658 -(alarm blaring) -(rumbling) 319 00:13:48,119 --> 00:13:49,369 (phone chimes) 320 00:13:50,455 --> 00:13:52,455 -(ominous music playing) -(background sounds muted) 321 00:13:52,582 --> 00:13:55,124 kent: Today's podcast has a killer bombshell 322 00:13:55,252 --> 00:13:57,377 about the killer of the bombshell. 323 00:13:57,462 --> 00:14:00,588 Grampa's motive for murder? Money. 324 00:14:00,715 --> 00:14:02,423 You see, vivienne saint charmaine 325 00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:04,843 had a million-dollar life insurance policy. 326 00:14:04,970 --> 00:14:07,637 Ooh, and the beneficiary was her new boyfriend, 327 00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:09,639 abraham j. Simpson. 328 00:14:09,724 --> 00:14:11,224 -(all gasp) -the moment she drowned, 329 00:14:11,393 --> 00:14:14,060 guilty grampa was swimming in cash. 330 00:14:14,145 --> 00:14:16,145 Motive enough for you? 331 00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,983 Homer: He did it for money. 332 00:14:21,820 --> 00:14:23,444 No. No, no, no. 333 00:14:23,572 --> 00:14:26,739 I don't care what it looks like. I know abe. 334 00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:29,200 He would never do something so horrible. 335 00:14:29,327 --> 00:14:31,452 I did something so horrible. 336 00:14:31,621 --> 00:14:34,622 I finally listened to that dad-gum podcast... 337 00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:36,124 (crying) 338 00:14:36,251 --> 00:14:38,668 ...And it convinced me I'm a killer. 339 00:14:38,753 --> 00:14:40,086 Lock me up. 340 00:14:40,255 --> 00:14:42,964 You're under arrest for spoiling the ending! 341 00:14:43,091 --> 00:14:45,633 I was only on episode two. 342 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:48,303 (chuckles): Oh, and for murder. Yeah. 343 00:14:48,430 --> 00:14:49,554 (groans) 344 00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:55,643 abraham simpson, as you have pled guilty 345 00:14:55,770 --> 00:14:56,978 to the murder of vivienne saint charmaine, 346 00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:58,354 I'm giving you life in prison. 347 00:14:58,481 --> 00:15:00,607 And I'm giving your podcast five stars 348 00:15:00,692 --> 00:15:01,816 but no comment. 349 00:15:01,943 --> 00:15:03,651 -Who has the time? -(groans) 350 00:15:03,778 --> 00:15:05,695 ♪ ♪ 351 00:15:05,822 --> 00:15:07,322 (cell door slams) 352 00:15:08,325 --> 00:15:09,866 why did you confess, dad? 353 00:15:09,951 --> 00:15:11,993 A majority of the family believes you're innocent. 354 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:15,455 But what that kent brockman said about me was so darn convincing. 355 00:15:15,624 --> 00:15:18,833 I began to suspect myself around episode four. 356 00:15:18,919 --> 00:15:20,460 Then by episode six, 357 00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:23,087 it seemed like it was that hot-tempered deckhand. 358 00:15:23,214 --> 00:15:26,507 But by episode nine, I knew I'd done it, 359 00:15:26,635 --> 00:15:31,721 just as sure as shampoo shuttle is the future of hair care. 360 00:15:35,852 --> 00:15:37,226 We can't give up hope. 361 00:15:37,354 --> 00:15:39,562 I know grampa's situation looks bad, 362 00:15:39,689 --> 00:15:43,191 with the insurance money, what mrs. Skinner heard, but... 363 00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:46,527 And the confession didn't help, either, but-but... 364 00:15:46,655 --> 00:15:47,654 Take it, mom. 365 00:15:47,822 --> 00:15:49,197 But-but-but... 366 00:15:49,366 --> 00:15:52,325 Oh, my god. I'm not sure I have a "but." 367 00:15:52,494 --> 00:15:55,036 I'm not sure I have a "but," either. 368 00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:57,372 -(homer and bart snickering) -I think grampa might have done it. 369 00:15:57,499 --> 00:16:00,917 He might have. He totally might have. 370 00:16:01,086 --> 00:16:03,461 -(both crying) -oh, no. 371 00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:05,338 With all our true crime training, 372 00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,423 how could we have missed this? 373 00:16:07,592 --> 00:16:09,592 We've become the people that we hate most: 374 00:16:09,719 --> 00:16:14,097 The family members too deluded to see the obvious truth. 375 00:16:14,224 --> 00:16:15,848 Uh, for the record, I was willing to believe 376 00:16:15,976 --> 00:16:18,726 he was the murderer back when there was no evidence. 377 00:16:18,812 --> 00:16:20,687 -Just saying. -(knocking, door opens) 378 00:16:20,772 --> 00:16:22,063 come back later. 379 00:16:22,190 --> 00:16:24,190 Were in the middle of a terrible reckoning. 380 00:16:24,359 --> 00:16:26,267 I have shocking medical news 381 00:16:26,361 --> 00:16:28,695 that will blow your father's case wide open. 382 00:16:28,822 --> 00:16:31,114 Is there somewhere public we can talk? 383 00:16:31,199 --> 00:16:32,407 Homer (mumbles): I don't know. 384 00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,575 (guilty grampa theme music playing) 385 00:16:37,914 --> 00:16:41,249 welcome, listeners around the world and our proud astronauts 386 00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:43,835 downloading in the darkness of space. 387 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:48,172 Tonight we both wrap up and drag out the story of guilty grampa. 388 00:16:48,299 --> 00:16:50,675 You'll get a chance to hear from the hottest stars 389 00:16:50,802 --> 00:16:52,218 of this heinous crime. 390 00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:54,962 We love you, someone else's tragedy! 391 00:16:55,056 --> 00:16:57,056 And I'm thrilled to announce the guilty grampa 392 00:16:57,225 --> 00:16:59,976 streaming series, starring the skarsgard 393 00:17:00,061 --> 00:17:03,646 -that started it all, stellan. -(crowd cheering) 394 00:17:03,732 --> 00:17:05,481 I only have a deal memo. 395 00:17:05,608 --> 00:17:07,734 I haven't signed the final paperwork. 396 00:17:07,819 --> 00:17:10,319 Kent, there's something you've got to know. 397 00:17:10,447 --> 00:17:12,613 Something everyone's got to know. 398 00:17:12,741 --> 00:17:14,574 On the day of vivienne's disappearance, 399 00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:17,326 she and abe went in for a couple's colonoscopy. 400 00:17:17,454 --> 00:17:20,204 -They each swallowed a tiny intestopod, -(beeping) 401 00:17:20,290 --> 00:17:22,081 which records internal data 402 00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:25,293 and broadcasts a precise gps signal for 24 hours. 403 00:17:25,420 --> 00:17:27,336 -You can see here. -(beeping) 404 00:17:27,464 --> 00:17:31,716 once vivienne fell off the boat, she moved directly to shore. 405 00:17:32,844 --> 00:17:35,219 She didn't sink. She swam. 406 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,221 Vivienne's signal then traveled south 407 00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:40,266 to a resort in zihuatanejo, mexico, 408 00:17:40,351 --> 00:17:43,478 where the guacamole is made table-side. 409 00:17:43,605 --> 00:17:46,355 Vivienne is alive. She faked her death. 410 00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:49,317 Which means grampa didn't kill anyone. 411 00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:52,737 But your podcast convinced him that he did. 412 00:17:52,822 --> 00:17:54,280 I wanted to say that part. 413 00:17:54,365 --> 00:17:56,824 Well, that's, uh, that's all very interesting, 414 00:17:56,910 --> 00:18:00,036 but it doesn't really fit with the title of my podcast, 415 00:18:00,163 --> 00:18:01,746 to say nothing of the merch. 416 00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:06,709 (chanting): Guilty grampa! Guilty grampa! 417 00:18:08,171 --> 00:18:10,922 You sent me to jail. 418 00:18:11,049 --> 00:18:12,882 You're no journalist. 419 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:17,804 (baby talking): You made us a murderer. Wah! 420 00:18:17,889 --> 00:18:20,306 (sighs) I have a confession to make. 421 00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:23,226 Guilty grampa is not guilty. 422 00:18:23,353 --> 00:18:25,228 -(crowd gasps) -(exclaims) 423 00:18:25,355 --> 00:18:26,896 oh, we all wish he did it. 424 00:18:27,023 --> 00:18:29,190 Everyone here loves dna swabs, 425 00:18:29,359 --> 00:18:32,193 cell phone pings and spatter analysis, 426 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,612 that fantasy that the bad guys will be caught 427 00:18:34,739 --> 00:18:36,906 and the police will save the day. 428 00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:39,826 Geez. That's a lot to put on a guy. 429 00:18:39,953 --> 00:18:42,954 From now on, I will report with judicious restraint, 430 00:18:43,123 --> 00:18:45,331 leaving behind sensational revelations 431 00:18:45,500 --> 00:18:49,168 in favor of painstakingly accumulated uncertainties. 432 00:18:50,547 --> 00:18:52,630 And I know you will all come along with me 433 00:18:52,757 --> 00:18:54,799 on this slow, measured ride. 434 00:18:56,719 --> 00:18:59,470 Tabitha: And with that out-of-touch statement, 435 00:18:59,597 --> 00:19:02,890 kent brockman bid a big fat farewell 436 00:19:03,059 --> 00:19:06,102 to his relevancy. 437 00:19:08,189 --> 00:19:09,522 (grampa groans) 438 00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:12,650 come on, dad, cheer up. You're an innocent man. 439 00:19:12,777 --> 00:19:15,736 Or so you'd have us believe. 440 00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:19,115 I thought vivienne loved me, but she played me for a sap. 441 00:19:20,118 --> 00:19:22,285 Why'd you set me up, baby? 442 00:19:22,403 --> 00:19:23,828 Well, if it makes you feel any better, 443 00:19:23,955 --> 00:19:27,290 I never believed she liked you for one second. 444 00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:28,958 Well, I did. 445 00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:32,253 I thought she was gonna be the last love of my life. 446 00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:33,921 (groans) 447 00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:37,008 ♪ ♪ 448 00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:40,178 (groans) 449 00:19:42,974 --> 00:19:44,056 hi, abe. 450 00:19:44,225 --> 00:19:46,100 What the-- (stammers) 451 00:19:46,227 --> 00:19:49,061 vivienne. Why'd you set me up? 452 00:19:49,814 --> 00:19:51,147 We set you up. 453 00:19:51,232 --> 00:19:52,523 You weren't supposed to confess. 454 00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:54,901 You were supposed to meet me in mexico 455 00:19:55,028 --> 00:19:56,235 with the insurance money. 456 00:19:56,362 --> 00:19:58,821 -That was the plan. -What plan? 457 00:19:58,990 --> 00:20:00,489 The plan where I faked my death 458 00:20:00,617 --> 00:20:03,201 and waited for you to meet me in mexico 459 00:20:03,328 --> 00:20:04,785 with the insurance money. 460 00:20:04,913 --> 00:20:08,164 That's why I yelled, "abe, don't... Forget the plan," 461 00:20:08,249 --> 00:20:10,958 -as I was diving off the boat. -What boat? 462 00:20:11,085 --> 00:20:14,253 I love you, you senile old sex machine. 463 00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:16,923 Oh, what do we do now that we're on the run? 464 00:20:17,050 --> 00:20:18,966 We live out the rest of our days 465 00:20:19,093 --> 00:20:21,802 in a place where no one will ever notice us. 466 00:20:21,930 --> 00:20:24,180 -(snoring) -(gentle music playing) 467 00:20:31,481 --> 00:20:34,774 grampa: I'm putting the space heater on ten. 468 00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:36,734 Vivienne: Ooh, abe. 469 00:20:36,819 --> 00:20:38,986 Oh, you naughty boy. 470 00:20:56,422 --> 00:21:00,716 Captioned by media access group at wgbh 471 00:21:22,573 --> 00:21:24,156 shh!