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The Simpsons 20x01
Sex, Pies and Idiot Scrapes
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Timing/Texts
NnS08
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Whoo-hoo. St. Patrick's Day.
I love how they made the river green.
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Actually my nuclear plant did that.
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And now, that you know,
your life is in danger.
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Greetings fellow Irishman,
and lady Irishman.
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I, Joseph Fitzgerald, O'Malley
Fitzpatrick O'Donald The Edge Quimby.
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Welcome you to Springfield's first
booze-free St. Patrick's Day.
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Come on people.
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Your drunken Shenanigans
destroy the town every year.
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And Ireland is so much more
than the imbibing of spirits -
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The Irish gave the world
the paddywagon, the shamrock shake,
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And folk dancing, where
you don't move your arms.
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Where is the IRA,
when you need them?
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We renounced the ways
of the gun and the bomb.
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In the old days we
would've been all over that.
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Oh no. The Northern Irish
are also having a parade.
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Two kinds of Irish people?
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What are they fighting over?
Who gets to sleep in the bathtub?
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Actually those prots and caths these
have hated each others for centuries.
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It always comes down to transubstantiation
versus consubstantiation.
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Stop it! Both of you!
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You have a common land, a literature,
and the sweetest songs on earth.
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* Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ra, too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral *
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* hush my little baby, hush now, don't you cry! *
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Oh no! Without the booze
these guys all remember
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how much they hate each other.
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This was such a pleasent St. Patrick's Day
till the Irish people showed up.
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They took my cupcakes.
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All right you unwanted miracles.
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Give back the ladies cupcakes,
you don't have the teeth for it.
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Oy, but we could gum the frosting.
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Well if it's good gummin' you're after,
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why don't you rather
have this lovely cabbage?
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Here you go, ma'am.
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Thank you so much, mister...
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Patrick Fairley, at your service.
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Marge Simpson. Well, Mr. Fairley,
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the least I could do is
offer you a cupcake.
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Light, moist, and such a marvelous shape retention.
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Marge, I own a small bakery.
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Will you bake for me?
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Me? A professional baker's employee?
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Imagine how different my life would be!
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Here we are at school, kids.
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Hey what are those boxes in the back?
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- Cakes.
- See you.
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- I'll do it.
- Bless your heart you won't regret it.
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I already don't. Homer!
I've got great news.
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I'll use my one phone call
to find out all about it.
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Mulk requests change of venue.
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Green monster cannot get fair trial
in downtown Springfield.
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Granted.
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Homer Simpson. You're a repeat offender.
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Threepeat.
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Bail is set at 25.000 dollars.
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I make that in a year.
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I suggest you see a bail bondsman.
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Ok, Simpson. All your information checks out.
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I called your boss to verify your employment
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and he says you're fired for getting arrested.
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You'd be amazed, how offen that happens.
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We'll put up your bail money
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just pay us 10% and show up
for your court date.
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And if I don't show up?
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Then you gotta deal with me.
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The name's Wolf and I'm a bounty hunter.
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If someone skips bail, I track
'em down, and bring 'em back.
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I also take a tooth, make a plastic cast,
put it on this necklace
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then replace the tooth at my expense.
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Well, time to go back to my world of
sleezy bars, tattoo parlors and greasy spoons.
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What a great job!
And I could use a job right now.
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Whoa. Not just anyone can be a bounty hunter!
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You have to pass an online exam.
No wait, I got rid of that.
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There is a 10 dollars filing fee,
but you can get around it.
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Congratulations, you're now a bounty hunter.
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Ok, I've set my trap.
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Now to scatter my cheese cubes,
and the rats will come.
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Condos! Affordable condos!
Bailjumpers welcome!
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Bailjumpers welcome?
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That's refreshing after the cold shoulder
we got at the townhomes at sterling point.
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Let's not get too excited till we find out
if it's in a good school district.
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So wait, are we telling people now?
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Stop! In the name of a private citizen
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with no connection to the law!
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Now, are you gonna come quietly,
or do I have to...
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Now let's take about this:
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If you shoot me I won't
be able to stop you
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and you'll be free to go.
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But someone may come after you.
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Probably not, given your reputation
for shooting people who come after you.
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What I'm trying to say is
not shooting me now
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would be the biggest mistake of your life.
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- Bulletproof glass.
- Flanders?
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Yep, I'm just replacing
the front window at my store,
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which was broken in the riot.
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Young man, what would your mother say,
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if she knew you are shooting
nice people in the brain?
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She'd say that year off from Princeton
was the worst decision, I've ever made.
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Well, son if you take
responsibility for you actions,
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this could be the start
of a better life for you.
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Maybe you're right.
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Maybe I should...
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This case is in the bag.
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- Homer you could've killed him.
- I sure could've, thanks to you.
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Now I can clearly see potential customers
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walk right past my store.
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Enjoy you shopping elsewhere!
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Hey Ned, I've brought you something.
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What the...?
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It's you share of the money
for bringing in that bailjumper.
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And I never thought I'd say this, but
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we make a great team.
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Us? A team?
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As the salad said to the soup:
I'm all mixed up.
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We should be bounty hunters together.
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You're kind and smart,
I'm cruel and strong.
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Together, we're nothing.
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But together we're the perfect bounty hunter.
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Well I could use money.
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You have to promise me something, Homer.
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Sure. What is it?
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We have to do everything by the book.
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And you have to promise
no didleys or doodleys.
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My friend, you have a deal-aroney.
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D'oh!
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Oh, Marge!
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Your talent with cakes is
a rare and precious thing.
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Well, thanks. But I've been wondering.
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Why do you only have me make
spheres, rods and half-moon shapes
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Well, Marge, I'll tell you...
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...right after I talked to these customers.
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We're going to a bachelorette party
for a really naughty girl.
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Yeah. We need something tasty and tasteless.
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I've got just the thing.
Courtesy of my newest baker.
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Freshly frosted ass-cake.
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Oh my god! This is an erotic bakery.
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Delicious.
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Now, what do you have
in the way of a suggestive cannoli?
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We have quite a selection.
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- Oh boy.
- I'll leave you with the book.
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How could you not tell me?
This is an erotic bakery?
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Marge, calm down!
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For as long as there's been baking,
there's been erotic baking.
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It fills a need, and harms no one.
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Harms no one? Explain that to...
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Well what about...
I think you forgot about...
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My Nr.1 customers are married couples.
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Your friends and neighbors.
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I just made a custom order for the Hibberts.
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It's an exact replica of the good doctors...
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- I don't wanna know!
- It's not what you think it is.
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Good.
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It's his penis.
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That's exactly what I was thinking.
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Marge, this is a valuable public service.
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Without your baking, people like me would be
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forced into backalleys repurposing ding dongs.
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You have a great gift.
Don't let it go to waste!
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Well, okay.
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This taser is awesome.
Finally a practical use for electricity.
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Dear Lord, thank you for creating
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so many evil criminals for us to bring in.
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And also thank you for my partner, Homer, who...
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Did you just taser my coffee?
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Just warming it up.
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Now I'll melt the cheese in this croissant.
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And get rid of a little extra earwax.
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And smoke a relaxing cigar.
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Homer, could we take it easy on the taser?
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No problem.
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- Our first bailjumper.
- Let's roll.
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Homer, take the taser out of your pants!
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No, it looks cool.
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- Who's there?
- Bible salesman.
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Daddy's home!
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I brought you kids some stuff from work!
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There you go, son. Shell casings!
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Wow! There's still bullets in some of these.
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Point them away from your sisters,
when you hammer them.
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Yes, sir!
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What'd you get for me?
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Something for the sweetest
little scientist in the world.
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A new chemistry set!
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- Dad, is this from a meth lab?
- The biggest one in town!
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- This is evidence.
- Evidence, that I love my little girl.
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Marge, I brought you some flowers.
A full dozen this time, no tricks.
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Oh, Homie. I got you something too.
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A sterling silver picture frame
with pictures of our kids in it.
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Yes, for now.
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I guess things are working out
pretty good at your bakery job.
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Maybe with could order one of your
cakes for Lisa's birthday.
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How dare you!
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What'd you do that for?
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Sorry, sorry! Muscle spasm.
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I'm not convinced.
Still on the fence.
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Now, I believe you.
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He'll be here sooner or later.
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00:13:02,074 --> 00:13:03,917
So how about a little stakeout music?
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Homer, I don't think we have the same musical tastes.
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- Well, I like ACDC.
- I like the christian cover band ADBC.
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* Kindly deeds done for free. *
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- I've never seen anyone eat pizza like that.
- You gotta try it.
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This way the pepperoni stay intact
till they reach you stomach.
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And, bam!
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Man, that's harder to swallow than evolution.
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You've gotta roll it from the point.
Here, let me show you.
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- Not bad.
- Let it unfurl in your stomach.
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There he is!
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Oh, kitten whiskers!
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There's one thing he didn't count on.
My reckless indifference to human life.
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Lord in your mercy, could you
give my friend a stroke?
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00:14:26,447 --> 00:14:29,150
Seimour, those string beans
were cooked to perfection.
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After twenty years, I'm finally
starting to like you.
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Just wait for desert Sir,
I made it with you on mind.
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00:14:35,186 --> 00:14:39,936
Outstanding. I'll just shut my eyes,
and let you place it before me.
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00:14:42,097 --> 00:14:45,590
Seimour, what's going on?
I'm coming down there!
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Quick, we'll have to eat from each end.
219
00:14:47,466 --> 00:14:50,059
We'll know we're safe, when
our lips meet in the middle.
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00:14:55,805 --> 00:14:59,930
Homer, you can't drive a car onto a subway,
you need a special sticker just to bring a bike.
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- Have you no respect for the law?
- Hey it worked, didn't it?
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Ok, smart guy, you're going in the bag.
223
00:15:08,105 --> 00:15:09,712
Wait, I left a sandwich in there.
224
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Homer, no! You promised, everything
was supposed to be by the book.
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You know what your problem is?
You haven't become as bad as the people we chase.
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- This partnership is over!
- I'll tell you, what's over!
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This partnership!
228
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You know, if you take your foot
off the accelerator going downhill
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you wouldn't use so much gas.
230
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I can't take another word out of you.
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00:15:38,145 --> 00:15:40,517
I can't believe Flanders dumped me.
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00:15:41,531 --> 00:15:44,244
Marge do we have any more
of your extra long twinkies?
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00:15:44,407 --> 00:15:49,330
Oh no! Those were for Mr. Smithers'
commitment ceremony.
234
00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:50,941
Marge, what's going on?
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Homie, I've got a confession to make.
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I'm an erotic baker.
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I hid it all in the one place, you'd never look.
238
00:16:02,255 --> 00:16:05,726
Marge I could see you withholding sex
or withholding cake.
239
00:16:05,761 --> 00:16:08,150
But withholding sexy cake?
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I know, we have to move past this,
but I don't see how.
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00:16:13,322 --> 00:16:15,612
Homie, what do you say, we go to bad?
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00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:18,828
You, me, and the cake.
243
00:16:19,276 --> 00:16:22,915
First, why don't you and I and
the cake, take a shower?
244
00:16:33,022 --> 00:16:35,478
I'm out of the bounty hunting business.
245
00:16:35,679 --> 00:16:37,153
Not so fast, Ned.
246
00:16:37,210 --> 00:16:39,977
I've got one more bailjumper
for you to pick up.
247
00:16:40,105 --> 00:16:44,386
Forget it! I'm turning in my...
Well, I don't have anything to turn in, so...
248
00:16:44,387 --> 00:16:46,962
That's that.
I suggest you call Homer Simpson.
249
00:16:47,097 --> 00:16:49,772
This is one jumper, that Homer can't catch.
250
00:16:53,503 --> 00:16:53,911
Homer?
251
00:16:54,290 --> 00:16:57,826
Seems he never showed up in court
in the St. Patrick' Day arrest.
252
00:16:57,861 --> 00:16:59,063
Not interested.
253
00:16:59,091 --> 00:17:03,944
All right, if you don't want the job,
I'll just give it to one of these guys.
254
00:17:10,043 --> 00:17:12,301
I'm sure they're all
competent professionals, but...
255
00:17:12,336 --> 00:17:13,958
...you best leave it to me.
256
00:17:19,922 --> 00:17:22,426
Hello, hello, anybody home?
257
00:17:25,239 --> 00:17:26,740
You jumped bail, Homer.
258
00:17:26,775 --> 00:17:28,029
I've gotta bring you in.
259
00:17:28,073 --> 00:17:29,243
What have you done to my family?
260
00:17:29,324 --> 00:17:32,881
I figured a good time to pick you up was
when they are at Lisa's recital.
261
00:17:32,982 --> 00:17:34,901
And how did you know I wouldn't be there?
262
00:17:34,936 --> 00:17:36,322
Lucky guess.
263
00:17:36,357 --> 00:17:38,140
Well, you'll never take me alive!
264
00:17:40,795 --> 00:17:42,063
Forgot my keys.
265
00:19:00,877 --> 00:19:02,468
I loved you, man.
266
00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:04,607
For the last few weeks,
but most of the time
267
00:19:04,608 --> 00:19:06,174
I've known you,
you've treated me like dirt.
268
00:19:06,475 --> 00:19:09,083
You hang on to recentment
like a good federate widow.
269
00:19:09,118 --> 00:19:11,367
I forgave you for accidentally killing my wife.
270
00:19:11,402 --> 00:19:13,705
Yeah, but you hold on to the big things.
271
00:19:13,940 --> 00:19:17,117
The point is, the more I got to know you,
the more I got to like you.
272
00:19:17,354 --> 00:19:21,391
I like you too. But you broke the law.
So I gotta bring you in.
273
00:19:21,381 --> 00:19:23,453
So it's gonna be like that, eh?
274
00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:47,778
I've got you my friend!
275
00:19:47,813 --> 00:19:49,763
Thanks, but what are you holding onto?
276
00:19:49,998 --> 00:19:50,506
I...
277
00:19:56,356 --> 00:19:59,224
Now all we have to do is get up,
before the concrete hardens.
278
00:20:02,679 --> 00:20:03,974
Oh, damn it!
279
00:20:05,874 --> 00:20:09,517
"Lest I come and smite the earth with a curse."
280
00:20:09,618 --> 00:20:11,111
Thus ends the book of Malachi.
281
00:20:12,033 --> 00:20:14,204
I guess I did know the whole
Old Testament by heart.
282
00:20:14,305 --> 00:20:15,955
Out with the old, in with the new!
283
00:20:15,990 --> 00:20:17,083
Testament that is.
284
00:20:17,178 --> 00:20:20,169
Matthew 1, The book of the
genealogy of Jesus Christ,
285
00:20:20,170 --> 00:20:24,789
the son of David, the son of Abraham.
Abraham became the father of Isaac.
286
00:20:24,824 --> 00:20:29,822
Isaac became the father of Jacob.
Jacob became the father of Judah and his brothers.
287
00:20:29,911 --> 00:20:34,052
Judah became the father of
Perez and Zerah by Tamar,...
288
00:20:34,153 --> 00:20:37,512
Simpson, we're gonna put you away
for a long long time.
289
00:20:37,647 --> 00:20:39,459
Make it life and you've got a deal.
290
00:20:41,190 --> 00:20:43,927
Don't feel too bad, Homie.
You'll be free tomorrow.
291
00:20:44,274 --> 00:20:51,807
And I used all my new baking skills to
make a special cake to remind you of me.
292
00:20:55,808 --> 00:20:57,166
Oh, baby.
293
00:21:00,973 --> 00:21:02,692
Thanks, Marge.
294
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:04,103
Timing/Texts
NnS08